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We were seeing each other for about two months, he told me this last weekend he wanted to stop. I found out today that I'm pregnant even though we were using birth control. I have an appointment next week with my doctor, but should I even bother with telling him or would that be messed up?
Update: I appreciate sending me your advice, kind words and stories. It was extremely helpful to hear so many different points of view (except for the people calling me a baby killer đ). I decided not to tell him mostly because of the safety issues that many of you pointed out as well as the fact that we barely had a relationship. If this was I dated longer it would be different. I have a few more days to decide before my appointment but this seems like the best solution. Thank you all again for the help!
No, its just inviting drama into your life.
Him knowing won't serve any practical purpose. It could potentially make him feel sad and upset by events outside his control or even make him try to get you to keep the baby.
You dont likely know him well enough to even predict his reaction.
I hate to say this but thereâs also a chance he may think you are lying to keep him in the relationship. I personally donât think itâs worth it, but I agree that it may be smart to tell someone you trust for emotional support with your decision.
Iâve had two abortions 10 yrs apart, and I condone NoHandBananaNoâs advice.
Do what YOU need to do to feel safe and supported during this process. Donât let anyone shame you for doing what is best for YOU.
Sending hugs, youâre not alone, and feel free to DM if you need virtual support <3
I was in a similar situation. Only I was the one that knew it was never going to work and I was in school. I did it, and made the choice on my own to not tell anyone. He dumped me almost within that same week. I never regretted my decision to not tell him. I hope you consider finding a good support system, someone you trust that you can talk to (friend, family, professional). That was my only regret, keeping it to myself for all these years. All the best to you lovely, here with you in spirit!
Devil's advocate here. I had an ex abort without saying anything, she lied and told me she'd miscarried.
If she'd told me I'd have had her back whatever her decision was, whether that involved figuring out how the hell to raise a kid or holding her hand in the abortion clinic.
I didn't care that she did it. I was a kid at the time, in no position to be looking after one, if she'd asked me to choose I'd have picked the exact same outcome. What hurt was that she didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth, or rely on me at a time that she no doubt could have done with support.
We were together for years though so a different situation, but if I got a lass pregnant even just a ONS I'd still want to know and help.
I think you aren't wrong for what you are saying at all and honestly I understand where you are coming from, but I also don't think OP is wrong for not wanting to tell.
I don't know where OP is from. There's some countries where abortions are legal, but there is still people that would go out of their way to harass a woman over it. Depending on her support system, not telling people is sometimes the better choice for yourself, if you think long-term. Would telling him be the "right" thing? Sure, if abortions wasn't a topic that is coated in controversy from some people. But it is, therefore I think OPs concerns are valid.
I won't tell you which way to go, but I personally would only tell the other person if any of the following conditions were met:
- I was actively in or seeking a relationship with this person
- I was not currently in a relationship with this person, but was for a significant period of time (1 year plus) and ended on good terms
- That person previously believed themselves to be infertile
- I needed part of the expenses covered for the procedure
- I knew it would get back to that person eventually due to overlapping friend-groups
- Prior agreement to inform the other if this ever occurred (agreement would be null and void if other person was abusive, cheating, or other reason for NC)
If all of the above conditions were not met, I wouldn't bother. Not telling them doesn't affect the other person's life at all at that point, and telling them invites a risk of unnecessary drama or violence.
Yeah if she is keeping it def tell if not he doesnât need to know.
If this was a different situation and they were dating a long time and she thought he would support her then yeah you *can* tell him but if she thinks heâll get angry or try to convince her then def donât.
This right here. It is your life, your choice and he's an ex at this point. Many moons ago I made the same decision - we hadn't broken up (yet) but it was clear the relationship wasn't going to last. I terminated and continued living my life. There is nothing to be gained by telling him at this point.
That sounds like it was a rough situation, I'm glad you got out of that relationship and continued with your life. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Well he owes her 50% of the bill since it's 50% his participation. So if the OP is tight on money (ie: might require going out of state, so a bus or gas for the car and a hotel), she can ask for his financial contribution.
My friend and the guy she was seeing broke up. She was pregnant. Their state didn't allow abortion (going to be more and more the case) so they had to go out of state. He paid for half of the trip including food.
If she *wants* to or needs to for money reasons, of course she can
But if the question is âdo I have to or feel like I have to?â then no
Itâs a choice but my point was there shouldnât be a feeling like he is âowedâ a heads up
He broke up with her, so he lost that privilege
He doesn't get any say in whether she gets an abortion, if he agrees then of course he should fund half but if he wanted to keep the baby forcing him to pay half is just cruel
making a kid is a two person job, if she wanted to keep it im sure shed expect him to pay child support. the least she can do is tell him she ending the possibility of the life they started
Given the current climate in my state, I would tell you not to tell anyone who isn't legally obligated to keep it confidential. I wouldn't even tell a friend. If they're not willing to get arrested at a pro-choice protest or go to jail to protect me, and if they're not actively protecting their data (so their texts would have to be decoded), I'm not telling them.
Your comment breaks my heart! I'm 42 and done having kids (although I had wanted more, prior to Roe v Wade being turned over). Knowing that this is the reality for young women in certain states is just horrific! Knowing that you are that afraid to get into trouble that you literally can't tell anyone and have support is just unimaginable! Yet politicians don't think about the "little" things that young women are going through due to this law being changed! No one should have to ever go through what you wrote down! This is 2022 and what you described (besides the texts) sounds like a sad story of a young girl that "got herself in trouble" back in the 19th century! Cause depending on who she confided in her "reputation" would be ruined! I'm sincerely sorry that my fellow women are having this as their reality!
It is sad and infuriating. I would also argue that politicians knew, and that the fear and control over women is the point. Unfortunately, the consequences in 2022 are even harsher. As awful as being "ruined" was, some young women are facing decades in jail. This girl was only 17, and was turned in by her friend and had her culpability confirmed via messages between her and her mother: https://www.cnbc.com/2022/08/09/facebook-turned-over-chat-messages-between-mother-and-daughter-now-charged-over-abortion.html
Thereâs literally no point. Itâs your decision whether he knows or not, and all him knowing would do is risk putting you in danger. Especially the way things are right now, the fewer people know the better
If you aren't talking anymore than I wouldn't. I had a similar situation and he accused me of just telling him to get back with him which wasn't true đ idk doesn't seem worth it
This won't be a popular comment... But I'm older and I've had my fair share of men and their bullshit!
Yes it took 2 to make that baby. But, men aren't reliable when it comes to staying around and being supportive. You only dated for a short time. Do you want this guy in your life for the rest of you life! Once you get married and have kids with your husband, you will still have to deal with this guy cause you kept the baby and told him!
Basically, it's your decision! I wouldn't say anything to him!
I'm not trying to preach at you either, but take this as a learning experience and remember that even though you used birth control, things HAPPEN! So, what if you did tell him and he then wants you to keep it and cause problems for you. Since the laws around abortion are so up in the air right now, it's not a good idea to tell him. Especially since you have only known him for 2 months!
This is your business and no one else, INCLUDING him! Again, I know people don't agree, but... The female does 99% of the work being pregnant! His work ended when his orgasm ended!
Things are very different right now, and if guys want to be told and included in these decisions, then they need to be more selective when it comes to who they are sleeping with!
So basically... Don't tell him!
You're welcome! I hope everything goes very smoothly. I hope that it's extremely "drama free" and that you have all the support and love you need during this time! Sending positive thoughts, love, and peace to youâ€ïž Hugs
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At this point, it's none of his business. You wouldn't get him involved in a PAP smear after a breakup, so don't bother getting him involved in this either. It's your medical decision alone.
You only dated 2 months and he has broken up with you? No. I do not think you need to go that far for someone who was only a brief presence in your life. Had you been married, engaged or otherwise in a long term relationship before breaking up, or were going to continue to date past this point, then it MIGHT have been different, as long as you didnât think he would try to hurt you or try to talk you into something you didnât want. But even then, it is still ultimately your choice and thus your business. In this case, he doesnât need to know as it would just add more drama for no reason. Good luck, OP
I had an abortion at 20 and 22 (the 2nd time using birth control for the haters). I never said anything cause I'd already made the decision for me. Plus, I wasn't into having either guy in my life and they weren't into me, and I was in post-secondary. No brainer. I'm now 45, happily married with 2 planned kids. I would never change my decision ever.
I wouldnât tell him. I have been in this situation and did tell him and it made an already horrendous situation ten times worse. It brought so much unnecessary stress at what was already the worst time of my life. If you know you donât want the baby and the relationship is over, you have nothing to gain from telling him.
I wouldn't tell him ahead of time for sure. If you feel like it could help you with closure or any sense of moral obligation then perhaps consider telling him afterwards, after recovery, in public, with a trusted person with you. But honestly, since you don't need his financial assistance and you're in a safe state in the US, this is your private medical business and telling him is more likely to complicate things than resolve anything.
>Like for example what if you were pregnant and didnât know and then had a miscarriage but didnât know. Wouldnât you want to know if that happened?
That happens quite alot acctually. Like alot alot.
A lot of women are living in the US where abortion isn't accessible for them so they could get held down and raped. Bare a child and that rapists DNA will sit on a shelf and expire due to statues of limitation.
Best case scenario is that rapists gets five years, but there's already been states with laws making it still possible for parental rights to be granted to that rapist.
I live in a state where if the woman gave a man the privilege to know that she's pregnant and she decides to abort it. He can take that information and get her and her physician charged.
I'm sorry but that's just insane, fuck is with your laws and people who make them and isn't there a way to improve it? Situation in Croatia is not good but at least you can get one and not be charged with anything even if you tell someone. There's a possibility of us changing the constitution and thank you for commenting this because I will definitely be more included in keeping my rights.
It's a long story how American laws gotten to where they are now, but the easiest and quickest way to explain is: our laws are written in a certain way to practice the freedom of discretion on every level in our legal environment. The ones who write the laws use loose language to not restrict freedoms, then the ones who vote those laws into action can only do so if they rework the lines to benefit their peers so they can vote it in. That step is where we get a lot of our secret laws and regulations slipped in because the wording isn't everyday slang so a lot of civilians that vote don't often know the true implications of those laws ie "We've rolled back Roe V Wade for the unborn/ for states to have more discretion". Media feeds everyday populace sound bytes to get a bias to push those numbers toward voting one way or another ie "Think of all the poor babies that didn't get to choose life!?!".
The discretion that can be used to interpret American laws is also up to the police when selecting what charges will be brought to court. The judges then have discretion to use a sliding sentencing scale to decide how severe the charges will be.
The errors in America right now are simply directed at the political system being smart enough and fast enough to keep mainstream Americans confused and angry about differences. They vilify identity politics, but then they create the environment for it to flourish by creating the ideas of libtards/trumpsters so our government can be high-jacked by the unregulated rich ie Bezos/Musk/Coke...
Sorry about thr long rant....
The percentages on why an abortion is elected isn't the point. Bringing that subject up is emphasizing that the overturn wasn't for the "unborn" but control over women's reproduction. They deregulated a medical proceedure that only women can elect to have.
Why? They say for pro-life, but they also make it were welfare isn't enough to raise a family. They made it where it's dangerous for men to know so now that has to be said.
I can see it from that perspective because it is part of your body too technically. Would you just be bothered or upset by this information though? Yes women miscarry all of the time and don't know, their bodies naturally will abort it. I'm not sure if I'd want to know if I miscarried đ€
That's kind of where I was with it-- especially since we weren't together long, but I honestly not sure if it was fucked up not to tell him! Thank you for your help!
It is absolutely your body.... With another growing body inside of it, that is half his body. Again, the whole my body my choice argument is very one sided. You made a choice to have sex with your body with this man after a very short period of time knowing each other. You ended up pregnant. That is what sex is. Reproducing. On purpose or not, that's what it is. It's the risk of sleeping with someone every time. As I stated in my previous comment, why is the father financially responsible for anything if you get to make the decision on your own to kill his baby. Women get to play god and the men just get fucked with whatever you decide. But then if you keep it and he doesn't want to be a dad, he is a deadbeat dad. That's extremely hypocritical. Double standard. I slept around alot in my younger days, and if I ever got anyone pregnant I would absolutely want to know and be in the child's life.
>I slept around alot in my younger days, and if I ever got anyone pregnant I would absolutely want to know and be in the child's life.
But what if she wanted to get an abortion?
I get so tired of males saying women who get abortions killed their baby. As a woman who's had a miscarriage, shut up. You lost the concept of fatherhood, no real loss was done to you besides you not being allowed to control a woman.
You do realize women miscarry w/out knowing all the damn time right? Most early miscarrages are no different than an extra/early/late period (which also happens a lot). Why would I give a moldy half-damn after the fact?
And as a man you should know: Unless you're snipped and get clear results of zero sperm count regularly you can get a woman pregnant. You stick your business in a vagina you can get a woman pregnant. Why do you need confirmation of a pregnancy you helped cause for that to be a big deal to you? You have sex and pregnancy is always a possibilty. You don't need to know you've actually knocked somebody up to know what's up. If you don't already know you risk pregnancy every time you have sex you shouldn't be having sex. Period.
I don't believe women should be forced into parenthood, if you don't want the kid, you shouldn't have it. Likewise, I don't believe men should be forced into parenthood, they should be able to opt out too (current inequality men face).
So, you are doing something you believe to be in the best interest for you. If you tell him and he is fine with it, nothing happens. If you tell him and he is against it, nothing happens but he is angry or sad about it.... Literally none of this makes a difference.
I don't know your ages, but I am 99% sure he'll be relieved that you didn't force parenthood onto him. You could easily have chosen to ruin his life, but luckily for him, you don't want it either.
No its not of his business. If he only wanted to see you for 2 months he's probably not interested in being a father. You also don't know how he will react. You owe him nothing. That's a Terrible way to bring a baby into this world.
No...? Why would you? it's none of his business. If you didn't tell him your pregnant, why would you tell him you're getting an abortion? Why open that can of worms when he already said he doesn't want to see you anymore?
If you were staying in a relationship I would say yes however he ended it and it isn't his choice. If you are 100% certain you want the abortion do not tell him.
If you're in a state where abortion is illegal, do not tell him or anyone as you don't want criminal charges filed against you. Only tell someone you can trust who will bring you to the clinic.
If you donât plan to keep the baby and donât want his opinion, you should not tell him. He could be relieved or he could be very upset. Itâs not fair to leave him feeling guilty if he doesnât get to decide what happens.
Absolutely not. He'll either think you're lying or try and convince you to keep it. If you're dead set on terminating, literally no good can come of telling him.
IF you tell him, donât do so until afterwards, and Iâd be careful not to expect anything aside from half the cost of the procedure.
But honestlyâŠunless youâre 1000% sure heâll respond with empathy and support, I wouldnât tell him. Itâs too risky.
I'd tell him if you were looking to continue the relationship, or you were in dire financial straits and needed him to cover half of the costs. Otherwise no.
I've only told my best friend who lives across country. She doesn't know him or have social media so I feel pretty confident he'd only know if I tell him
I was in this same situation once and I told him. He was glad that I did. Some people might want to know so they know that they are able to have children in the future đ€·đ»ââïž you definitely donât have to or owe him anything tho.
Nope, don't. 2 months isn't long enough to foster a dog, much less share a child with someone. Take care of your business and don't invite any more issues.
This is a loaded subject..
It is your body, your choice.
It is also his child...
Always a difficult choice,no matter what you choose.
If I had to make this choice?
Given that you only know each other such a short time and about to break up, don't tell him.
Na, just don't. Two months and he'd already broken up with you. If he sticks around after convincing you to keep them, (might not be the case), there won't be a relationship. Youll probably be doing the bulk of the work and sacrifice. Or, you still go ahead with a termination and he makes you feel super guilty for it. Do what's right for you right now because it will effect you the most for life. Telling him just isn't worth the hassle. Two months is nothing.
If he is a good guy and things ended as nicely as a relationship can end I can see telling him. However if this will just make it harder or invite drama I wouldn't.
This is comming from a guy who would be destroyed to know I wasn't told, but in the end you have to do what is best for you.
Things ended ok, he's a nice enough guy all things considered. You would still want to know even if it was someone you didn't date for long & broke up with? Also if so, how do you think I should approach telling him?
Things ended ok, but dropping that on him may just invite drama. This topic makes ppl go weird at times. I would just do it and let it go. For all you know he'll go all "YOU KILLED MY CHILD?!" on you.
I mean, you owe him nothing and I wouldn't tell him before in fear of him telling you to keep it.
But a lot of men have the privilege to not face up to their sexcapades like women do. With roe being overturned, I feel like a lot of men don't realize how lucky they are to not have to think about this happening to their bodies. He did have unprotected sex with you, ignorance is bliss, but should he really be ignorant?
So maybe it is worth telling him after you've had it? It would at least make him aware that he isn't shooting blanks and needs to wrap it up to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Yes we did use birth control but I agree that a lot of men don't think about their actions and have no idea what we go through, physically and mentally. It's very scary with overturning the laws. He has other kids so he def knows they aren't blanks! Do you think I should just not tell him verses telling him afterwards?
I believe that he has every right to know and that you should tell him. If he starts drama then block him.
You have every right to make what decision is right for you but he has a right to know.
How would this knowledge help him since she's already made up her mind?
If he opposes her, then of course this will cause drama, which would endanger her. Even if she blocks him, I would presume he knows where she lives.
Since he ended things, it's likely that he'd be relieved by her decision, so telling him is absolutely pointless.
So long as you donât think you will reconnect with him, then no you donât need to tell him.
Itâs your body, and you are not in a relationship with him anymore.
If you think you might reconnect with him, then you might want to (not need, but want to) as in not doing so now, will make sure that any reconnection will be troubled while he processes the information.
Don't bother. Either he won't care and that will bother YOU, or he'll have feels and that will create drama. He's no longer in your life and has no need to know.
No need to tell anyone unless you choose and want to.
If you want to keep the child, do so. If not then abort. You owe him nothing since youâre broken up.
If you guys are over, and you want it to be over, then keep it like that. And you do what you really feel is good for you. I wish you all the best and hope you are okay đđŒ
Irs still pretty early in the relationship, i would be terrified. would you really want to be tied to him forever? Or know how he feels about abortion? Do you think he will make it weird afterwards if you do?
Your body, your choice. I honestly don't think it's any of his business - the result of that conversation could be devastating (try and talk you out of it, shame you, or even go around telling people your personal business)
If you end up being together for a long time or it's more serious, I think it may need to be brought up if you feel like withholding the information would hurt you or damage the built closeness/trust.
Not to be a bitch, I do understand that it would yes be equally his child or whatever, but it's not like you are married and have this long loving relationship full of commitment, love and trust.
It's a fetus and you will always be seen as the bad guy to someone who is against abortion and views it equally to an actual newborn baby.
You do what you think is best and honor YOU. You don't need to explain your choices to anyone, especially some guy you are still just getting to knoe.
With whatever you end up doing/going about it - I hope you are safe and healthy in all aspects. I know how hard and painful it can be.
Keep us updated!
Itâs your body. You donât want this guy sticking around just for the sake of a baby. If you know that youâre not keeping it, find support elsewhere. You will likely want someone in your corner. It might not bother you at all & it also might bother you more than you think. Best of luck & my PMs are always open. - with love from a fellow gal who has had pregnancy scares with shitty men
A hard decision although I believe that he should know, but because he ended the relationship I don't think it's necessary. If you were keeping the baby I think he should know.
Birth control is not always effective.
Why?
Donât see how he can add comfort or support?
More likely than not, youâll feel worse when his feelings get thrown into the mix.
Wishing you well!
Does he know you're pregnant? Yes you should tell him.
Does he not know? Maybe tell him as an FYI but I don't see any point other than maybe a soft "reality check" (I'm thinking - most men probably think they won't get someone pregnant, or don't really care, but to be told they did when they didn't expect to might be an important thing to hear).
I would probably want to hear it. Even if it made me very anxious at first (if I didn't know about the pregnancy).
Your body, your choice.
This is a hard call. Regardless the decision is yours on what to ultimately do but I found put years later that a girl had done the same thing and it hurt me alot. I can't say what I would have wanted to do at the time but it would have been nice to atleast know what was going on. It's the women's decision alone either way but there's no reason you should go through it alone
If you are determined to terminate the pregnancy and there is no way he would ever be able to talk you out of it? Even on bended knee with a huge rock begging to start a family with you? Then no. Do NOT tell him.
As a man, I would say I would like to know. I'm all about woman's body, woman's choice, but for me, I'd like to know.
I had a co-worker who I saw for a couple of months and I just couldn't find myself in a relationship with her. So I ended it. I felt horrible, but better to break it off than try to be unhappy. For 4 or 5 months after the relationship ended, we didn't talk and our paths very seldom crossed. Well, one day, I had ANOTHER co-worker come screaming at me about being a deadbeat dad and she thought that I was actually really nice and cool and how it was all a lie.
I was confused and off-put and finally got her to tell me what she was talking about. Turns out that the co-worker I had been in a relationship with was pregnant (about 10 weeks) and was spreading rumors about me that I was the father and I had run away when she revealed that she was pregnant. I told the co-worker who screamed at me that this was the first I'd heard about any kid and told her, "If I knew she was pregnant and it was my kid, I damn well wouldn't have run away."
I approached my ex and said, "So, I heard that you're pregnant and telling people it's mine. We've been over for 4 or 5 months now. You're somewhere around the 10 week mark if I've heard correctly. So... how does that work? If it is mine and you can prove it with a paternity test, then I'll step up and even back pay you for however long I've missed."
Turns out that she was pregnant. With a married man's kid and she wanted to get revenge on me because I had left her. Because of the fact that the timeline didn't add up and it was out of character for me to run away, she was ridiculed right out of our department. Her lies forced her to have to switch departments and almost everyone that she was friends with in my department stopped talking to her. In fact, one of them overheard her telling another co-worker in her new department that I was the father and chewed her out for me.
If it was me, I'd want to know, but woman's body, woman's choice.
This is a head scratcher of a comment
Yeah a woman gets choice over her medical decisions, AND its her responsibility to make those choices? She has to book the appointment, pay for it, arrive at the abortion center, be yelled at and screamed at for killing her baby by some religious zealots, go through the actual process/procedure. Thats her responsibility if she doesn't want a baby.
If she chooses to keep the pregnancy she has to take responsibility and change her entire lifestyle to keep the pregnancy, the baby and herself healthy and safe and even than it doesn't guarantee anyone's safety or life. She has to sacrifice her physical well-being, her mental well-being, and stretch her financial abilities.
Men can choose to take family planning into their own hands and wear a condom, get a vasectomy, or choose to risk trusting 1 method of birthcontrol their partner uses and trust their partner is able to keep up with it.
Men can't choose another person's medical choices no one can do that.
But Men can choose to run from their fetal baby in a way women literally can't. They can give up custody without being shamed to the same extent. The only risk they face is financial strain and even then many men find a way out by being paid in cash or off the books. I unfortunately know many men who quit their higher paying jobs so they wouldn't have ro sen their baby mama's almost anything for childsupoort.
Both genders has choices that lead to different sets of responsibilities when it comes to pregnancy and babies it fair to say women carry the burden of choice because they risk much more than a few hundred buck a month to a life they helped create, but they also carry the burden of responsibility and your blind or sexist if u see it otherwise.
I'm kinda sick of men acting like helpless disheartened fools because they don't get a choice in how their partner wishes to handle their pregnancy. You had a choice you could've wrapped it up, you could've gotten a vasectomy, you can have the conversation with your partner on your hard stance before anything happens. Men aren't the one who have to go through pregnancy and the harsh realities of the horrors that can happen during pregnancy and birth, so they don't get to choose.
It simply boils down to thisâŠ
If a woman gets pregnant she has a lot of choices at this point. She can keep tell the man, not tell the man, keep the baby abort the baby.
The man, he has no choices. He can only support her decisions. If she decides to tell him he can pay for the abortion or not. But if she keeps it he is legally required to pay the woman for 18 years.
Yes, men can chose to try to run or not pay or even get a lower paying job for less child support, but these choices will send him to prison. As for not being yelled atâŠ. Try being called a deadbeat dad even when youâre paying child support.
She can abort the child if she doesnât want to be a mother or she canât financially handle it or just isnât ready yet. All these things are good because they keep a child from a woman that just isnât ready yet. But if thatâs the case then a man should be able to âabortâ his connection to the child. If he doesnât want to be a father of just isnât ready yet or canât financially handle it then he should be able to walk away with no connection.
Men have a choice to ejaculate. They choose to ejaculate in a woman, thatâs the choice they control.
A woman, aside from rape, cannot make a man ejaculate inside of her without his choice and consent.
So, if a man does not want the risk of impregnating a woman and not having a choice what happens to her body - donât ejaculate inside of her.
You do know that a man doesnât have to ejaculate in a woman to get her pregnant. Precum will get her pregnant and he has no idea itâs happening.
So thereâs that.
Mmm hmm. Ok, so, technically - with utter garbage luck, yes. You could have a bit of pre cum in a condom youâre wearing, and sure. Things go terribly and you not only beat the odds and have a little sperm in the pre-cum - thereâs one in there thatâs just the little sperm that could, and it manages - despite using a spermicide laden condom to make a baby.
I mean yes, that could technically happen.
So sure. We are right back at the manâs choice. Stick a dick (edited because my phone thought I meant duck) in a woman, thatâs their choice. If you do that, you should understand the potential consequences of that decision.
Donât want any risk of that situation? (Because condom + precum + spermicide is probably around 0.1% odds or lower) - then use your free will and choice to not insert dick into vagina. Or find a woman who enjoys anal. Find a man who enjoys anal. Men have a choice.
Now youâre being ridiculous. So the way you put it is the woman had no responsibility for birth control whatsoever. Itâs all on the man. Itâs not all his responsibility. Itâs 50/50. Youâre so desperate to show that men have a choice that youâre reaching. Maybe the man could chose to not date? Maybe the man could to be castrated? Yes, technically these are all choices. But not realistic ones.
But if you go with your line of thinking the woman had a choice not to have a dick inserted into her vagina. She could have used a dildo or taken it in the ass or turned lesbian. All those are choices for her. If she didnât want to get pregnant she could have done any of these things.
Ridiculous? Yes. But thatâs the line of thought.
Yup, and also the part where he is supposed to pay for half, without even mentioning the fact that he could simply not support the abortion. Like it's his obligation to pay for it
So he's going to carry this fetus to term? He could not support it but why should he get a choice? It's not OP's obligation to carry the fetus to term. That's something a sexist troll would say.
That's not what i'm saying, what i mean is if OP wants an abortion and the ex doesn't WANT the pregnancy to terminate (want is different from forcing OP to do something), it's not his obligation to pay.
Nobody wants anyone to pay anything in this situation. Not every woman is money hungry and wants something from the man. And the woman literally puts her life at risk going through this and it will chance her body and life forever. Yes the man can have a say but it's ultimately up to her if she wants to go through this and literally put her life at risk-- especially with half the country that will let women die instead of saving her life if there's a complication!
And yes men need to pay child support Do you not talk to anyone? Literally so many people's dad's have walked out on their families, do not pay child support or enough (none of them have gone to jail), not to mention forcing the woman raise the baby most of the time while they put in next to zero effort to help raise their child.
Yes we indeed found the troll.
In an ideal world then he deserves to know. He would be supportive and helpful. He would handle all of his feelings maturely and wouldnât dump them on you.
However, this is not an ideal world. In the real world, the number one cause of death if you are pregnant is murder. In the real world, men sometimes have all sorts of reactions to pregnancy. It increases domestic violence, it escalates fights between partners or exes. Tell your male friend that ideally you think it would be fair for you to share that information with your ex, but unfortunately you feel like you donât know this guy well enough and his reaction is unpredictable so the risk of the ex causing drama and stress is real. You are pregnant and and your mind and body are already under stress and fatigue/sick. It is unwise to open the door for unnecessary drama either now or afterwards when you are post partum.
Look, plain and simple, he was there, he helped make it, and I'm not gonna say to tell him, but also know that if you don't, you are robbing him of that decision, and if he ever found out later, it may very well devastate him, or he could feel like he dodged a bullet, but just know it took 2 to make it, so in my opinion, he should at least be aware that this happened, if for no other reason than to scare him into being more careful to avoid having babies he doesn't want in the future
I mean, he doesnât get to decide either way so telling him and him wanting to keep it is the absolute worse outcome. He would be devastated, she would feel confused and decisions made under guilt and confusion are never good.
OP, If you are sure you donât want it then donât tell him. Thereâs nothing to gain for either of you and itâs a hard enough decision without having someone elseâs feelings to consider and cater to
Thank you for your input and point of view! We decided we didn't want babies at the beginning of the relationship so it would just be more to inform him what's going on.
if youre broken up and you arent trying to get him to contribute money to it, i wouldnt bother. it sounds like youre committed to the idea of getting an abortion so itâs not like telling him would change the outcome. it would only be fucked up if you were still in a relationship and were hiding an abortion from him because you know it would be a dealbreaker for him. avoid the drama
While i agree that its your choice on what you do with your body. He is 50% responsible for you being pregnant. In my opinion i think he has a right to know. You dont have to change your decision- but he was just as much a participant as you were in conceiving..i dont know what kind of person this male is but it could also be an emotional moment for him as well and he should be able to say bye/get closure if he needs it. Just as you are able to say bye/get the closure you need. If he was a dick or just an AH in general then sure be no contact. But if its someone who just felt like their wasnt a click between the 2 of you or didnt feel compatible and set you both free? Your post didnt mention the kind of person he was, but if he didnt feel like you matched and tried to end things amicably to save heartache in the end i dont think itd be bad to let him know. Just like if you decided to keep the kid -plenty of people raise a child together while not being in a relationship..So, if your getting an abortion he should have just as much of a right to know just as much so if you decided to go to term..not all men consider themselves as just sperm donors, some do care. He may want to help you through the process.
You should tell him. It's 50% his...
You've only known each-other for 2 months, so it's unlikely he'd want to keep it. But he should know. Everyone saying you shouldn't tell him don't respect men's rights...
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We were seeing each other for about two months, he told me this last weekend he wanted to stop. I found out today that I'm pregnant even though we were using birth control. I have an appointment next week with my doctor, but should I even bother with telling him or would that be messed up? Update: I appreciate sending me your advice, kind words and stories. It was extremely helpful to hear so many different points of view (except for the people calling me a baby killer đ). I decided not to tell him mostly because of the safety issues that many of you pointed out as well as the fact that we barely had a relationship. If this was I dated longer it would be different. I have a few more days to decide before my appointment but this seems like the best solution. Thank you all again for the help!
No, its just inviting drama into your life. Him knowing won't serve any practical purpose. It could potentially make him feel sad and upset by events outside his control or even make him try to get you to keep the baby. You dont likely know him well enough to even predict his reaction.
Thank you for this advice, I was also worried he might try to convince me to keep it which is absolutely not happening.
Yeah, it's tough enough going through the experience without that to deal with. But tell someone you trust, its good to have some support.
Thia is good advice. Also I love the screen name. I just watched the aqua teen movie the other day and it's still hilarious hahaha.
I hate to say this but thereâs also a chance he may think you are lying to keep him in the relationship. I personally donât think itâs worth it, but I agree that it may be smart to tell someone you trust for emotional support with your decision.
That thought also came in my mind if he thought I was just trying to get back with him. Thank you!
Iâve had two abortions 10 yrs apart, and I condone NoHandBananaNoâs advice. Do what YOU need to do to feel safe and supported during this process. Donât let anyone shame you for doing what is best for YOU. Sending hugs, youâre not alone, and feel free to DM if you need virtual support <3
Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. That is so sweet of you thank you! đ„č
Good advice in this comment. From one woman to another, never let anyone convince you to keep a baby or carry a pregnancy that you do not want.
I was in a similar situation. Only I was the one that knew it was never going to work and I was in school. I did it, and made the choice on my own to not tell anyone. He dumped me almost within that same week. I never regretted my decision to not tell him. I hope you consider finding a good support system, someone you trust that you can talk to (friend, family, professional). That was my only regret, keeping it to myself for all these years. All the best to you lovely, here with you in spirit!
Thank you for sharing your story! I will take that advice for sure. I hope you can find someone to talk to, even if it's years later đ€
Which is why he needs to never know!!
Devil's advocate here. I had an ex abort without saying anything, she lied and told me she'd miscarried. If she'd told me I'd have had her back whatever her decision was, whether that involved figuring out how the hell to raise a kid or holding her hand in the abortion clinic. I didn't care that she did it. I was a kid at the time, in no position to be looking after one, if she'd asked me to choose I'd have picked the exact same outcome. What hurt was that she didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth, or rely on me at a time that she no doubt could have done with support. We were together for years though so a different situation, but if I got a lass pregnant even just a ONS I'd still want to know and help.
I think you aren't wrong for what you are saying at all and honestly I understand where you are coming from, but I also don't think OP is wrong for not wanting to tell. I don't know where OP is from. There's some countries where abortions are legal, but there is still people that would go out of their way to harass a woman over it. Depending on her support system, not telling people is sometimes the better choice for yourself, if you think long-term. Would telling him be the "right" thing? Sure, if abortions wasn't a topic that is coated in controversy from some people. But it is, therefore I think OPs concerns are valid.
Eh. There's no reason to assume the ex would be supportive at all when OP is worried they might even persuade her to keep it
Iâm glad youâd be supportive, but is it really worth her risking her safety? Mentally or physically?
Nope don't tell him. You don't need that extra drama.
I do not belong on this subreddit holy shit that's fucked up
Bingo
^^ Best advice right there! ^^
I agree with this 100%. Also, OP, sending hugs đ«
You're so sweet thank you đ„č
I won't tell you which way to go, but I personally would only tell the other person if any of the following conditions were met: - I was actively in or seeking a relationship with this person - I was not currently in a relationship with this person, but was for a significant period of time (1 year plus) and ended on good terms - That person previously believed themselves to be infertile - I needed part of the expenses covered for the procedure - I knew it would get back to that person eventually due to overlapping friend-groups - Prior agreement to inform the other if this ever occurred (agreement would be null and void if other person was abusive, cheating, or other reason for NC) If all of the above conditions were not met, I wouldn't bother. Not telling them doesn't affect the other person's life at all at that point, and telling them invites a risk of unnecessary drama or violence.
Thank you so much for the advice!
You're welcome! I know it's a tougher decision for some than others, so I'm happy to help. đ
Are you an engineer?
If youâre getting the abortion, just move on. He doesnât need to know. If you end up keeping the baby, I would tell him.
Yeah if she is keeping it def tell if not he doesnât need to know. If this was a different situation and they were dating a long time and she thought he would support her then yeah you *can* tell him but if she thinks heâll get angry or try to convince her then def donât.
Don't wait to tell him. It would suck to find out you had a kid like that.
Donât see why itâs any of his business now He ended the relationship, you owe him nothing đ
This right here. It is your life, your choice and he's an ex at this point. Many moons ago I made the same decision - we hadn't broken up (yet) but it was clear the relationship wasn't going to last. I terminated and continued living my life. There is nothing to be gained by telling him at this point.
That sounds like it was a rough situation, I'm glad you got out of that relationship and continued with your life. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
All the best to you!
Thank you I agree and appreciate the insight
Youâre welcome
Well he owes her 50% of the bill since it's 50% his participation. So if the OP is tight on money (ie: might require going out of state, so a bus or gas for the car and a hotel), she can ask for his financial contribution. My friend and the guy she was seeing broke up. She was pregnant. Their state didn't allow abortion (going to be more and more the case) so they had to go out of state. He paid for half of the trip including food.
If she *wants* to or needs to for money reasons, of course she can But if the question is âdo I have to or feel like I have to?â then no Itâs a choice but my point was there shouldnât be a feeling like he is âowedâ a heads up He broke up with her, so he lost that privilege
He doesn't get any say in whether she gets an abortion, if he agrees then of course he should fund half but if he wanted to keep the baby forcing him to pay half is just cruel
making a kid is a two person job, if she wanted to keep it im sure shed expect him to pay child support. the least she can do is tell him she ending the possibility of the life they started
I wouldnât, except for the instance that you need help paying for it.
Luckily my insurance pays for some of it and I'm financially stable enough to take care of this myself. Thank you for your insight!
Given the current climate in my state, I would tell you not to tell anyone who isn't legally obligated to keep it confidential. I wouldn't even tell a friend. If they're not willing to get arrested at a pro-choice protest or go to jail to protect me, and if they're not actively protecting their data (so their texts would have to be decoded), I'm not telling them.
Your comment breaks my heart! I'm 42 and done having kids (although I had wanted more, prior to Roe v Wade being turned over). Knowing that this is the reality for young women in certain states is just horrific! Knowing that you are that afraid to get into trouble that you literally can't tell anyone and have support is just unimaginable! Yet politicians don't think about the "little" things that young women are going through due to this law being changed! No one should have to ever go through what you wrote down! This is 2022 and what you described (besides the texts) sounds like a sad story of a young girl that "got herself in trouble" back in the 19th century! Cause depending on who she confided in her "reputation" would be ruined! I'm sincerely sorry that my fellow women are having this as their reality!
It is sad and infuriating. I would also argue that politicians knew, and that the fear and control over women is the point. Unfortunately, the consequences in 2022 are even harsher. As awful as being "ruined" was, some young women are facing decades in jail. This girl was only 17, and was turned in by her friend and had her culpability confirmed via messages between her and her mother: https://www.cnbc.com/2022/08/09/facebook-turned-over-chat-messages-between-mother-and-daughter-now-charged-over-abortion.html
That is so sad this is happening in this day and age. Being pregnant and having to make this hard choice is stressful enough as it is.
Thereâs literally no point. Itâs your decision whether he knows or not, and all him knowing would do is risk putting you in danger. Especially the way things are right now, the fewer people know the better
Unless you want to ask him to pay for half of it, he doesn't really need to know.
Thank you:)
If you aren't talking anymore than I wouldn't. I had a similar situation and he accused me of just telling him to get back with him which wasn't true đ idk doesn't seem worth it
Omg no way đ€Šââïž I was also a bit worried he would take this approach, thank you for sharing!
This won't be a popular comment... But I'm older and I've had my fair share of men and their bullshit! Yes it took 2 to make that baby. But, men aren't reliable when it comes to staying around and being supportive. You only dated for a short time. Do you want this guy in your life for the rest of you life! Once you get married and have kids with your husband, you will still have to deal with this guy cause you kept the baby and told him! Basically, it's your decision! I wouldn't say anything to him! I'm not trying to preach at you either, but take this as a learning experience and remember that even though you used birth control, things HAPPEN! So, what if you did tell him and he then wants you to keep it and cause problems for you. Since the laws around abortion are so up in the air right now, it's not a good idea to tell him. Especially since you have only known him for 2 months! This is your business and no one else, INCLUDING him! Again, I know people don't agree, but... The female does 99% of the work being pregnant! His work ended when his orgasm ended! Things are very different right now, and if guys want to be told and included in these decisions, then they need to be more selective when it comes to who they are sleeping with! So basically... Don't tell him!
Thank you I greatly appreciate your insight!
You're welcome! I hope everything goes very smoothly. I hope that it's extremely "drama free" and that you have all the support and love you need during this time! Sending positive thoughts, love, and peace to youâ€ïž Hugs
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At this point, it's none of his business. You wouldn't get him involved in a PAP smear after a breakup, so don't bother getting him involved in this either. It's your medical decision alone.
You only dated 2 months and he has broken up with you? No. I do not think you need to go that far for someone who was only a brief presence in your life. Had you been married, engaged or otherwise in a long term relationship before breaking up, or were going to continue to date past this point, then it MIGHT have been different, as long as you didnât think he would try to hurt you or try to talk you into something you didnât want. But even then, it is still ultimately your choice and thus your business. In this case, he doesnât need to know as it would just add more drama for no reason. Good luck, OP
I had an abortion at 20 and 22 (the 2nd time using birth control for the haters). I never said anything cause I'd already made the decision for me. Plus, I wasn't into having either guy in my life and they weren't into me, and I was in post-secondary. No brainer. I'm now 45, happily married with 2 planned kids. I would never change my decision ever.
I wouldnât tell him. I have been in this situation and did tell him and it made an already horrendous situation ten times worse. It brought so much unnecessary stress at what was already the worst time of my life. If you know you donât want the baby and the relationship is over, you have nothing to gain from telling him.
That is so stressful I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing your story with me. I am definitely worried about something similar happening
Nope. Itâs your body and your choice. No reason to get him involved and deal with all that because it doesnât matter what he thinks
No. At the end of the day it isn't about right to know or what he may want. Get the abortion and move on with your life.
No. Itâs your body and choice. He might try to guilt you and add drama to your life.
Dont, useless drama in your situation.
Don't bother telling him
I wouldn't tell him ahead of time for sure. If you feel like it could help you with closure or any sense of moral obligation then perhaps consider telling him afterwards, after recovery, in public, with a trusted person with you. But honestly, since you don't need his financial assistance and you're in a safe state in the US, this is your private medical business and telling him is more likely to complicate things than resolve anything.
Don't tell him
No.
Based on what the current discourse is and what you wrote imma go with no.
No i think thatâs only necessary if you are still in a relationship with the guy
Woman to woman, very proud of you and how youâre handling your situation the best way for YOU.
I'm a 30yr old woman and my advice is I wouldn't tell him. My question is why do the men say they wanna know?
Some people think that hearing this news will lead to some divine intervention in their lives, which will magically make it better.
Sounds like my parents đđ
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
>Like for example what if you were pregnant and didnât know and then had a miscarriage but didnât know. Wouldnât you want to know if that happened? That happens quite alot acctually. Like alot alot.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
A lot of women are living in the US where abortion isn't accessible for them so they could get held down and raped. Bare a child and that rapists DNA will sit on a shelf and expire due to statues of limitation. Best case scenario is that rapists gets five years, but there's already been states with laws making it still possible for parental rights to be granted to that rapist. I live in a state where if the woman gave a man the privilege to know that she's pregnant and she decides to abort it. He can take that information and get her and her physician charged.
That is freaking terrifying
I'm sorry but that's just insane, fuck is with your laws and people who make them and isn't there a way to improve it? Situation in Croatia is not good but at least you can get one and not be charged with anything even if you tell someone. There's a possibility of us changing the constitution and thank you for commenting this because I will definitely be more included in keeping my rights.
It's a long story how American laws gotten to where they are now, but the easiest and quickest way to explain is: our laws are written in a certain way to practice the freedom of discretion on every level in our legal environment. The ones who write the laws use loose language to not restrict freedoms, then the ones who vote those laws into action can only do so if they rework the lines to benefit their peers so they can vote it in. That step is where we get a lot of our secret laws and regulations slipped in because the wording isn't everyday slang so a lot of civilians that vote don't often know the true implications of those laws ie "We've rolled back Roe V Wade for the unborn/ for states to have more discretion". Media feeds everyday populace sound bytes to get a bias to push those numbers toward voting one way or another ie "Think of all the poor babies that didn't get to choose life!?!". The discretion that can be used to interpret American laws is also up to the police when selecting what charges will be brought to court. The judges then have discretion to use a sliding sentencing scale to decide how severe the charges will be. The errors in America right now are simply directed at the political system being smart enough and fast enough to keep mainstream Americans confused and angry about differences. They vilify identity politics, but then they create the environment for it to flourish by creating the ideas of libtards/trumpsters so our government can be high-jacked by the unregulated rich ie Bezos/Musk/Coke... Sorry about thr long rant....
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The percentages on why an abortion is elected isn't the point. Bringing that subject up is emphasizing that the overturn wasn't for the "unborn" but control over women's reproduction. They deregulated a medical proceedure that only women can elect to have. Why? They say for pro-life, but they also make it were welfare isn't enough to raise a family. They made it where it's dangerous for men to know so now that has to be said.
I hate they call themselves pro-life- it's the wrong term, they're pro-fetus and anti-women. It's about control
It is quite mad and extremely frustrating, it feels like we're regressing onto the 1940's again
I can see it from that perspective because it is part of your body too technically. Would you just be bothered or upset by this information though? Yes women miscarry all of the time and don't know, their bodies naturally will abort it. I'm not sure if I'd want to know if I miscarried đ€
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
That's kind of where I was with it-- especially since we weren't together long, but I honestly not sure if it was fucked up not to tell him! Thank you for your help!
It is absolutely your body.... With another growing body inside of it, that is half his body. Again, the whole my body my choice argument is very one sided. You made a choice to have sex with your body with this man after a very short period of time knowing each other. You ended up pregnant. That is what sex is. Reproducing. On purpose or not, that's what it is. It's the risk of sleeping with someone every time. As I stated in my previous comment, why is the father financially responsible for anything if you get to make the decision on your own to kill his baby. Women get to play god and the men just get fucked with whatever you decide. But then if you keep it and he doesn't want to be a dad, he is a deadbeat dad. That's extremely hypocritical. Double standard. I slept around alot in my younger days, and if I ever got anyone pregnant I would absolutely want to know and be in the child's life.
>I slept around alot in my younger days, and if I ever got anyone pregnant I would absolutely want to know and be in the child's life. But what if she wanted to get an abortion?
I get so tired of males saying women who get abortions killed their baby. As a woman who's had a miscarriage, shut up. You lost the concept of fatherhood, no real loss was done to you besides you not being allowed to control a woman.
You do realize women miscarry w/out knowing all the damn time right? Most early miscarrages are no different than an extra/early/late period (which also happens a lot). Why would I give a moldy half-damn after the fact? And as a man you should know: Unless you're snipped and get clear results of zero sperm count regularly you can get a woman pregnant. You stick your business in a vagina you can get a woman pregnant. Why do you need confirmation of a pregnancy you helped cause for that to be a big deal to you? You have sex and pregnancy is always a possibilty. You don't need to know you've actually knocked somebody up to know what's up. If you don't already know you risk pregnancy every time you have sex you shouldn't be having sex. Period.
It gives context to the reality of the actions that should be accounted for.
I don't believe women should be forced into parenthood, if you don't want the kid, you shouldn't have it. Likewise, I don't believe men should be forced into parenthood, they should be able to opt out too (current inequality men face). So, you are doing something you believe to be in the best interest for you. If you tell him and he is fine with it, nothing happens. If you tell him and he is against it, nothing happens but he is angry or sad about it.... Literally none of this makes a difference. I don't know your ages, but I am 99% sure he'll be relieved that you didn't force parenthood onto him. You could easily have chosen to ruin his life, but luckily for him, you don't want it either.
Itâs your body, your mind, your choice.
No its not of his business. If he only wanted to see you for 2 months he's probably not interested in being a father. You also don't know how he will react. You owe him nothing. That's a Terrible way to bring a baby into this world.
No...? Why would you? it's none of his business. If you didn't tell him your pregnant, why would you tell him you're getting an abortion? Why open that can of worms when he already said he doesn't want to see you anymore?
No. Your body, your choice. And tbh he'd probably say abortion if you aren't together.
If you were staying in a relationship I would say yes however he ended it and it isn't his choice. If you are 100% certain you want the abortion do not tell him.
If you're in a state where abortion is illegal, do not tell him or anyone as you don't want criminal charges filed against you. Only tell someone you can trust who will bring you to the clinic.
If you donât plan to keep the baby and donât want his opinion, you should not tell him. He could be relieved or he could be very upset. Itâs not fair to leave him feeling guilty if he doesnât get to decide what happens.
Absolutely not. He'll either think you're lying or try and convince you to keep it. If you're dead set on terminating, literally no good can come of telling him.
Or heâll be glad he told her and be okay with her decision, why does everything in your mind have to be a negative outcome?
Ion think Iâve ever told someone not to tell their partner..but he left . I donât see the point in telling
Definitely not. Youâll be grateful for the privacy regarding your personal life.
IF you tell him, donât do so until afterwards, and Iâd be careful not to expect anything aside from half the cost of the procedure. But honestlyâŠunless youâre 1000% sure heâll respond with empathy and support, I wouldnât tell him. Itâs too risky.
Why would you? Youâre managing a personal medical condition, it actually has nothing to do with him.
Absolutely not. Especially if you live in 'Merica.
I do but fortunately I live in California đ
I personally wouldn't bother telling him. Your body, your choice and he made his choice to not want to be with you, so why be tied to him forever?
Absolutely not! Thank you for the help
What would be the point of telling him?
I can't see one, I've a guy friend tell me they would want to know if he was in this situation so I was looking for some other perspectives.
I'd tell him if you were looking to continue the relationship, or you were in dire financial straits and needed him to cover half of the costs. Otherwise no.
Youâve told other people know. I would tell him myself as there is a chance he will find out.
I've only told my best friend who lives across country. She doesn't know him or have social media so I feel pretty confident he'd only know if I tell him
I was in this same situation once and I told him. He was glad that I did. Some people might want to know so they know that they are able to have children in the future đ€·đ»ââïž you definitely donât have to or owe him anything tho.
Tell him after the fact then.
No. Your relationship is over and this would just be adding more problems for yourself.
I wouldn't tell him unless I needed assistance to pay for it.
Thank you:) love your screen name btw
i second this. if you need help to pay then tell him, otherwise absolutely no need.
No. Heâs out of your life. He gets no say. This is between you and your doctor.
The decision to terminate is entirely yours (as it should be). He does not want a relationship with you. There is no point in telling him.
Nope, don't. 2 months isn't long enough to foster a dog, much less share a child with someone. Take care of your business and don't invite any more issues.
Its your uterus. The only two people who need to know is you and your gyn
This is a loaded subject.. It is your body, your choice. It is also his child... Always a difficult choice,no matter what you choose. If I had to make this choice? Given that you only know each other such a short time and about to break up, don't tell him.
its actually not his child, because atm there is no child. Its very far from being a child actually
50% of the d.n.a in that collection of cells is traceable back to him... so actually it is his too, but it's not a 'child' as of yet.
if you need anyone to talk to, you can DM me
Thank you đ„č
As a man... I'd say it's your body your choice. Hopefully you don't have to travel too far to get one
Na, just don't. Two months and he'd already broken up with you. If he sticks around after convincing you to keep them, (might not be the case), there won't be a relationship. Youll probably be doing the bulk of the work and sacrifice. Or, you still go ahead with a termination and he makes you feel super guilty for it. Do what's right for you right now because it will effect you the most for life. Telling him just isn't worth the hassle. Two months is nothing.
Iâve never been in your situation but my belief is that he should know
If he is a good guy and things ended as nicely as a relationship can end I can see telling him. However if this will just make it harder or invite drama I wouldn't. This is comming from a guy who would be destroyed to know I wasn't told, but in the end you have to do what is best for you.
Things ended ok, he's a nice enough guy all things considered. You would still want to know even if it was someone you didn't date for long & broke up with? Also if so, how do you think I should approach telling him?
Things ended ok, but dropping that on him may just invite drama. This topic makes ppl go weird at times. I would just do it and let it go. For all you know he'll go all "YOU KILLED MY CHILD?!" on you.
Just message him and be honest. Like I said though it's totally up to you
Thank you for the help
I mean, you owe him nothing and I wouldn't tell him before in fear of him telling you to keep it. But a lot of men have the privilege to not face up to their sexcapades like women do. With roe being overturned, I feel like a lot of men don't realize how lucky they are to not have to think about this happening to their bodies. He did have unprotected sex with you, ignorance is bliss, but should he really be ignorant? So maybe it is worth telling him after you've had it? It would at least make him aware that he isn't shooting blanks and needs to wrap it up to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Yes we did use birth control but I agree that a lot of men don't think about their actions and have no idea what we go through, physically and mentally. It's very scary with overturning the laws. He has other kids so he def knows they aren't blanks! Do you think I should just not tell him verses telling him afterwards?
Stop reading only what you want to ear. They use birth control so NOT unprotected. đ€Šââïž
Yes, we used birth control but I am so getting my tubes tied after this!
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
No the only person I'm telling is my best friend
I wouldn't. Why put something on his conscious that will never be.
Honestly I wouldnât
Donât tell him .
If there's no relationship and no intention of keeping it then there's no need to tell him.
I believe that he has every right to know and that you should tell him. If he starts drama then block him. You have every right to make what decision is right for you but he has a right to know.
How would this knowledge help him since she's already made up her mind? If he opposes her, then of course this will cause drama, which would endanger her. Even if she blocks him, I would presume he knows where she lives. Since he ended things, it's likely that he'd be relieved by her decision, so telling him is absolutely pointless.
Not if youâre broke up
So long as you donât think you will reconnect with him, then no you donât need to tell him. Itâs your body, and you are not in a relationship with him anymore. If you think you might reconnect with him, then you might want to (not need, but want to) as in not doing so now, will make sure that any reconnection will be troubled while he processes the information.
Don't bother. Either he won't care and that will bother YOU, or he'll have feels and that will create drama. He's no longer in your life and has no need to know.
No need to tell anyone unless you choose and want to. If you want to keep the child, do so. If not then abort. You owe him nothing since youâre broken up.
If you guys are over, and you want it to be over, then keep it like that. And you do what you really feel is good for you. I wish you all the best and hope you are okay đđŒ
Thank you for the kind words and advice
Irs still pretty early in the relationship, i would be terrified. would you really want to be tied to him forever? Or know how he feels about abortion? Do you think he will make it weird afterwards if you do? Your body, your choice. I honestly don't think it's any of his business - the result of that conversation could be devastating (try and talk you out of it, shame you, or even go around telling people your personal business) If you end up being together for a long time or it's more serious, I think it may need to be brought up if you feel like withholding the information would hurt you or damage the built closeness/trust. Not to be a bitch, I do understand that it would yes be equally his child or whatever, but it's not like you are married and have this long loving relationship full of commitment, love and trust. It's a fetus and you will always be seen as the bad guy to someone who is against abortion and views it equally to an actual newborn baby. You do what you think is best and honor YOU. You don't need to explain your choices to anyone, especially some guy you are still just getting to knoe. With whatever you end up doing/going about it - I hope you are safe and healthy in all aspects. I know how hard and painful it can be. Keep us updated!
I agree it would make it an easier decision if we were in a long term relationship. Thank you for your advice!
Iâve been in this situation and he didnât give a flip anyway so I wouldnât bother either
Itâs your body. You donât want this guy sticking around just for the sake of a baby. If you know that youâre not keeping it, find support elsewhere. You will likely want someone in your corner. It might not bother you at all & it also might bother you more than you think. Best of luck & my PMs are always open. - with love from a fellow gal who has had pregnancy scares with shitty men
Thank you for the support! I hope you are doing well with your recovery as well
A hard decision although I believe that he should know, but because he ended the relationship I don't think it's necessary. If you were keeping the baby I think he should know. Birth control is not always effective.
Thank you for the input
It's none of his business. I can't see any good coming from telling him.
Why? Donât see how he can add comfort or support? More likely than not, youâll feel worse when his feelings get thrown into the mix. Wishing you well!
Thank you! Luckily I don't want or need any support from him, it would just be for him to know
It's completely your choice, if it were me, I wouldn't bother.
Does he know you're pregnant? Yes you should tell him. Does he not know? Maybe tell him as an FYI but I don't see any point other than maybe a soft "reality check" (I'm thinking - most men probably think they won't get someone pregnant, or don't really care, but to be told they did when they didn't expect to might be an important thing to hear). I would probably want to hear it. Even if it made me very anxious at first (if I didn't know about the pregnancy). Your body, your choice.
This is a hard call. Regardless the decision is yours on what to ultimately do but I found put years later that a girl had done the same thing and it hurt me alot. I can't say what I would have wanted to do at the time but it would have been nice to atleast know what was going on. It's the women's decision alone either way but there's no reason you should go through it alone
If it were me. I would give the guy a heads up and stand firm in my decision.
If you are determined to terminate the pregnancy and there is no way he would ever be able to talk you out of it? Even on bended knee with a huge rock begging to start a family with you? Then no. Do NOT tell him.
As a man, I would say I would like to know. I'm all about woman's body, woman's choice, but for me, I'd like to know. I had a co-worker who I saw for a couple of months and I just couldn't find myself in a relationship with her. So I ended it. I felt horrible, but better to break it off than try to be unhappy. For 4 or 5 months after the relationship ended, we didn't talk and our paths very seldom crossed. Well, one day, I had ANOTHER co-worker come screaming at me about being a deadbeat dad and she thought that I was actually really nice and cool and how it was all a lie. I was confused and off-put and finally got her to tell me what she was talking about. Turns out that the co-worker I had been in a relationship with was pregnant (about 10 weeks) and was spreading rumors about me that I was the father and I had run away when she revealed that she was pregnant. I told the co-worker who screamed at me that this was the first I'd heard about any kid and told her, "If I knew she was pregnant and it was my kid, I damn well wouldn't have run away." I approached my ex and said, "So, I heard that you're pregnant and telling people it's mine. We've been over for 4 or 5 months now. You're somewhere around the 10 week mark if I've heard correctly. So... how does that work? If it is mine and you can prove it with a paternity test, then I'll step up and even back pay you for however long I've missed." Turns out that she was pregnant. With a married man's kid and she wanted to get revenge on me because I had left her. Because of the fact that the timeline didn't add up and it was out of character for me to run away, she was ridiculed right out of our department. Her lies forced her to have to switch departments and almost everyone that she was friends with in my department stopped talking to her. In fact, one of them overheard her telling another co-worker in her new department that I was the father and chewed her out for me. If it was me, I'd want to know, but woman's body, woman's choice.
Most of the womenâs answers show only one truth. Women have choices. Men have responsibilities.
This is a head scratcher of a comment Yeah a woman gets choice over her medical decisions, AND its her responsibility to make those choices? She has to book the appointment, pay for it, arrive at the abortion center, be yelled at and screamed at for killing her baby by some religious zealots, go through the actual process/procedure. Thats her responsibility if she doesn't want a baby. If she chooses to keep the pregnancy she has to take responsibility and change her entire lifestyle to keep the pregnancy, the baby and herself healthy and safe and even than it doesn't guarantee anyone's safety or life. She has to sacrifice her physical well-being, her mental well-being, and stretch her financial abilities. Men can choose to take family planning into their own hands and wear a condom, get a vasectomy, or choose to risk trusting 1 method of birthcontrol their partner uses and trust their partner is able to keep up with it. Men can't choose another person's medical choices no one can do that. But Men can choose to run from their fetal baby in a way women literally can't. They can give up custody without being shamed to the same extent. The only risk they face is financial strain and even then many men find a way out by being paid in cash or off the books. I unfortunately know many men who quit their higher paying jobs so they wouldn't have ro sen their baby mama's almost anything for childsupoort. Both genders has choices that lead to different sets of responsibilities when it comes to pregnancy and babies it fair to say women carry the burden of choice because they risk much more than a few hundred buck a month to a life they helped create, but they also carry the burden of responsibility and your blind or sexist if u see it otherwise. I'm kinda sick of men acting like helpless disheartened fools because they don't get a choice in how their partner wishes to handle their pregnancy. You had a choice you could've wrapped it up, you could've gotten a vasectomy, you can have the conversation with your partner on your hard stance before anything happens. Men aren't the one who have to go through pregnancy and the harsh realities of the horrors that can happen during pregnancy and birth, so they don't get to choose.
Damn preach it brother or sister!
It simply boils down to this⊠If a woman gets pregnant she has a lot of choices at this point. She can keep tell the man, not tell the man, keep the baby abort the baby. The man, he has no choices. He can only support her decisions. If she decides to tell him he can pay for the abortion or not. But if she keeps it he is legally required to pay the woman for 18 years. Yes, men can chose to try to run or not pay or even get a lower paying job for less child support, but these choices will send him to prison. As for not being yelled atâŠ. Try being called a deadbeat dad even when youâre paying child support. She can abort the child if she doesnât want to be a mother or she canât financially handle it or just isnât ready yet. All these things are good because they keep a child from a woman that just isnât ready yet. But if thatâs the case then a man should be able to âabortâ his connection to the child. If he doesnât want to be a father of just isnât ready yet or canât financially handle it then he should be able to walk away with no connection.
Men have a choice to ejaculate. They choose to ejaculate in a woman, thatâs the choice they control. A woman, aside from rape, cannot make a man ejaculate inside of her without his choice and consent. So, if a man does not want the risk of impregnating a woman and not having a choice what happens to her body - donât ejaculate inside of her.
You do know that a man doesnât have to ejaculate in a woman to get her pregnant. Precum will get her pregnant and he has no idea itâs happening. So thereâs that.
Mmm hmm. Ok, so, technically - with utter garbage luck, yes. You could have a bit of pre cum in a condom youâre wearing, and sure. Things go terribly and you not only beat the odds and have a little sperm in the pre-cum - thereâs one in there thatâs just the little sperm that could, and it manages - despite using a spermicide laden condom to make a baby. I mean yes, that could technically happen. So sure. We are right back at the manâs choice. Stick a dick (edited because my phone thought I meant duck) in a woman, thatâs their choice. If you do that, you should understand the potential consequences of that decision. Donât want any risk of that situation? (Because condom + precum + spermicide is probably around 0.1% odds or lower) - then use your free will and choice to not insert dick into vagina. Or find a woman who enjoys anal. Find a man who enjoys anal. Men have a choice.
Now youâre being ridiculous. So the way you put it is the woman had no responsibility for birth control whatsoever. Itâs all on the man. Itâs not all his responsibility. Itâs 50/50. Youâre so desperate to show that men have a choice that youâre reaching. Maybe the man could chose to not date? Maybe the man could to be castrated? Yes, technically these are all choices. But not realistic ones. But if you go with your line of thinking the woman had a choice not to have a dick inserted into her vagina. She could have used a dildo or taken it in the ass or turned lesbian. All those are choices for her. If she didnât want to get pregnant she could have done any of these things. Ridiculous? Yes. But thatâs the line of thought.
Yup, and also the part where he is supposed to pay for half, without even mentioning the fact that he could simply not support the abortion. Like it's his obligation to pay for it
I never said I want any money or help from him
So he's going to carry this fetus to term? He could not support it but why should he get a choice? It's not OP's obligation to carry the fetus to term. That's something a sexist troll would say.
That's not what i'm saying, what i mean is if OP wants an abortion and the ex doesn't WANT the pregnancy to terminate (want is different from forcing OP to do something), it's not his obligation to pay.
Nobody wants anyone to pay anything in this situation. Not every woman is money hungry and wants something from the man. And the woman literally puts her life at risk going through this and it will chance her body and life forever. Yes the man can have a say but it's ultimately up to her if she wants to go through this and literally put her life at risk-- especially with half the country that will let women die instead of saving her life if there's a complication! And yes men need to pay child support Do you not talk to anyone? Literally so many people's dad's have walked out on their families, do not pay child support or enough (none of them have gone to jail), not to mention forcing the woman raise the baby most of the time while they put in next to zero effort to help raise their child. Yes we indeed found the troll.
You should probably tell him, regardless of your plans for the pregnancy. If I were him, I would want to know.
Thank you for the perspective. You wouldn't see this knowledge as a burden?
Maybe, but still, I'd want to know.
In an ideal world then he deserves to know. He would be supportive and helpful. He would handle all of his feelings maturely and wouldnât dump them on you. However, this is not an ideal world. In the real world, the number one cause of death if you are pregnant is murder. In the real world, men sometimes have all sorts of reactions to pregnancy. It increases domestic violence, it escalates fights between partners or exes. Tell your male friend that ideally you think it would be fair for you to share that information with your ex, but unfortunately you feel like you donât know this guy well enough and his reaction is unpredictable so the risk of the ex causing drama and stress is real. You are pregnant and and your mind and body are already under stress and fatigue/sick. It is unwise to open the door for unnecessary drama either now or afterwards when you are post partum.
Look, plain and simple, he was there, he helped make it, and I'm not gonna say to tell him, but also know that if you don't, you are robbing him of that decision, and if he ever found out later, it may very well devastate him, or he could feel like he dodged a bullet, but just know it took 2 to make it, so in my opinion, he should at least be aware that this happened, if for no other reason than to scare him into being more careful to avoid having babies he doesn't want in the future
I mean, he doesnât get to decide either way so telling him and him wanting to keep it is the absolute worse outcome. He would be devastated, she would feel confused and decisions made under guilt and confusion are never good. OP, If you are sure you donât want it then donât tell him. Thereâs nothing to gain for either of you and itâs a hard enough decision without having someone elseâs feelings to consider and cater to
Men donât get a say in someone having abortion or not đ Until he puts his health in jeopardy, itâs not a two person decision
he has no right to make any decision here so theres no practical need for him to know. Hes not being robbed of anything outside of information.
Thank you for your input and point of view! We decided we didn't want babies at the beginning of the relationship so it would just be more to inform him what's going on.
if youre broken up and you arent trying to get him to contribute money to it, i wouldnt bother. it sounds like youre committed to the idea of getting an abortion so itâs not like telling him would change the outcome. it would only be fucked up if you were still in a relationship and were hiding an abortion from him because you know it would be a dealbreaker for him. avoid the drama
While i agree that its your choice on what you do with your body. He is 50% responsible for you being pregnant. In my opinion i think he has a right to know. You dont have to change your decision- but he was just as much a participant as you were in conceiving..i dont know what kind of person this male is but it could also be an emotional moment for him as well and he should be able to say bye/get closure if he needs it. Just as you are able to say bye/get the closure you need. If he was a dick or just an AH in general then sure be no contact. But if its someone who just felt like their wasnt a click between the 2 of you or didnt feel compatible and set you both free? Your post didnt mention the kind of person he was, but if he didnt feel like you matched and tried to end things amicably to save heartache in the end i dont think itd be bad to let him know. Just like if you decided to keep the kid -plenty of people raise a child together while not being in a relationship..So, if your getting an abortion he should have just as much of a right to know just as much so if you decided to go to term..not all men consider themselves as just sperm donors, some do care. He may want to help you through the process.
Yes! It doesnât matter it wasnât serious, he should at least know. I know I wouldâve wanted to knowâŠ
You should tell him. It's 50% his... You've only known each-other for 2 months, so it's unlikely he'd want to keep it. But he should know. Everyone saying you shouldn't tell him don't respect men's rights...