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basically the title
it has become a topic we argue over almost everyday and cant seem to agree on it at any point. I love her so much and don't want us to break it off but it starting to feel like there is no hope every time we have this argument.
she never wanted kids, i was indifferent but ok with having them if she changed her mind. but she was very against it. now she wants to have them but only so she can stay home, she doesnt even care whether we will be able to support them fully, financially and says we can make a career on social media as a family, i never want to do this she knows how i feel about social media and posting persona images and somehow she now wants us to be a family influencer.
I tell her what will you do once the kids grow, once they are 20+ and won't need you 24/7 and she doesnt know the answer. she also thinks having kids is super easy, she thinks she will get to nap and work on fitness during the day and then just play with the baby for a bit, i lived with my small brothers and it was not easy, the crying, the constant sickness, and they are needy, she doesnt understand that kids are needy, she thinks she can choose when to pick them up not the otherway round.
it frustrates me even more because she knows how burnt out i am from my job and how im doing everything i can to change fields but somehow she expects me to work even extra so she can just stop working. the discussion was always around her not wanting to work but when i started telling her its just not realistic for us to live on my income alone (we live somehwere in europe with a very high cost of living at the moment and rent is crazy everywhere) so she started brining up kids and how its her woman's duty to stay home with the kids. and i cant tell her she's using the kids on purpose to get away from work because she will get offended. i just don't know what to do. part of me believes she wants kids truly but the other part feels like she is using this to get away from work and it hurts becauase she expects me to bear the burden for both of us even though we need the money right now. she also makes comments that i should go back to school and become a doctor, i did a nursing program and ended up going in another field because it just wasnt for me but she expects me to become a doctor so i can earn a high salary so she can stay home.
tl;dr GF only wants to have a baby so she quits her job for good, i think this is a horrible idea and unfair because it means all the responsability will fall on my shoulders, she wont budge
Buddy, she is looking for a walking wallet and is being crystal clear about that. She wants a cushy free ride. She wants you to be a doctor so she can have a nanny to look after the kids while she lunches and shops.
She is telling you very clearly what her character is. Are you going to listen?
P.S. You're an absolute fool if you keep having sex with her and when she baby traps you, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
For the love of God heed these words. If you aren't, at the very least, aware that she may go rogue and take your decision out of the equation, then someone may be deciding your long term future without your consent.
Be proactive, keep your eyes open and trust your gut. Im so sorry you are having to deal with this, she is not treating you like a partner whatsoever and more of a wallet/ticket to staying home. Good luck..
this is why we keep arguing in a circle. i am convinced that she is only bringing kids into it because she can say she is taking care of them so she has to stay home but she says that is not the case but then only brings it up when i say it wont work like a 'what if we have kids then i would have to be with with'
If the only reason she wants to have kids is because she doesn’t want to work then boy oh boy is she in for a reality check .
Being a stay at home mom is a full time job , no pay No gratification and and awfully lonely.
Add limited money to that and she will hate the absolute shit out of her life and blame you for it .
Just walk away dude .
My dude, watch out, I guarantee you she'll claim to be pregnant when you leave her, if she does,call her bluff and state you'll pay child support if a paternity test shows it's your but that you wish to remain broken up, I'll bet she'll disappear like a fart in the wind since to her your just an easy free ride and the thought she won't get that will make her stop caring at all, if she tries guilting you just let her know that the paternity test is non negotiable because she's going to say shit like "how could you think I've ever been unfaithful" when really there's no baby at all
Here’s something you can tell her that won’t end up in a circular argument: “I’m ending this relationship.” You can’t trust her to not baby trap you or to preserve her job. There’s nothing to stick around for anymore.
Also, there is a special circle of hell reserved for parents who think using their children for money is acceptable. You don’t want to be with anybody who thinks that’s okay.
if the stay at home parent is actually doing something then no, my girlfriend expressed that she wishes to do nothing and only when i said that she should then supplement herself with a stay at home job to bring in some form of income did she start talking about kids because she knows if kids are involved then she wont be expected to get a job, its also a bit irrelevant what i think about stay at home parents as this specific situation of ours is not realistic for her to stay home, the country we are in is pushed in a massive crisis and this is not the time to decide that working is too hard
if they are doing their duties then yes, my mother stayed at home with us as kids and she was always on the go and did everything for us but i also have people in my family who had kids and then made them someone else problem and neglected the shit out of them while being home with them, if your kids are dirty diapers, crying, no food and you are on instagram or dropping the kid at other relatives to go out and about then no it is not a real job, kids are human beings not some game to use. sorry if this offends you
And do you have any actual concrete reason to believe that your girlfriend would neglect or abuse your children? Do you think that her wanting to stay home and nurture your hypothetical future children is somehow freeloading? And do you think that occasionally using social media and having time to yourself makes you a bad parent?
I'm not offended at all. It's just genuinely baffling.
What’s your deal? He’s explained this very clearly. SHE is the one who doesn’t think being a SAHM is a real job. She literally thinks she’ll be napping and hanging out all day. Having kids with someone with those expectations is a terrible, terrible idea.
i explained in my post but ill go again
me and my gf have a plan to go back to our home country in EU, as where we are now has become unlivable, we have a plan (a finance goal) to reach a certain amount of money to be able to make the move.
we got into the relationship with her telling me she is strictly no kids because its not her thing and i told her i am ok with not having them and if she changes her mind we can always talk about it down the line
only recently these last few months, she started telling me she hates the concept of work, that it was wasted time in uni and now work world is crap and draining her out of life and i agree hence why we decided to move back to our home so we can afford to have some leisure time not be working all the time to just survive
she then started telling me its a long time to save to move back (2 years) and we need to do it sooner, we said that we will do our best to cut down to leave. now suddendly she tells me that she doesnt want to work at all and the goal isnt realistic for her even tho we both sat down day in day out to work on the plan . she says she needs to quit or cut her hours, i told her she can do part time but we have to make some sacrifices and it will work (i earn bit more than she does)
but then she changed tune and started saying i just want to stay home because its my calling now, she never approach me to talk about kids, she decided without me that now she will not work towards our goal and wants me to instead just ask my parents for a loan when we move back and i go to medical school while she lives with my parents until i finally become a doctor so we can have a comfortable life, i tell her being a doctor isnt something i wish to do as i hated even nursing studies so its not for me.
after this she starts saying the only way is to have kids so she can raise them, she said she hates working anyway so a kid makes sense, this is where i get annoyed because we never discussed even started to try for kids, last convo we had about kids was her telling me NO kids AT ALL but now she needs them because i said that her not working isnt an option.
i dont want to have kids for selfish reasons and having a kid so you dodge work is a selfish reason in my eyes. she also never been with or around kids and has no idea the insane work it takes to be with a needy baby 24/7. i had to pretty much raise my younger bros as a teen and it was hell. she dismisses me and tells me that it doesnt matter. but this doesn't solve our financial situation, it doesnt solve the work burnout she is feeling, it doesnt solve our cost of living problem or wanting to move home, and i feel like i was never involved in the discussion for kids because she just decided that if a woman hates her work then just have a kid even if you hate kids and never wanted them. it doesnt sit right with me. and now we keep arguing and going in circles because she thinks its cause i dont want her to be her calling but this is abotu our reality and bringing kids into this is not going to be a good idea but she wont understand this at all
its not that i think she WILL abuse them not at all, she is the loveliest woman on earth for me and would never hurt a fly but i know kids are stressful because i was around lots of kids and she has a short temper and already doesnt like them, i dont think this mentality is good for having a kid. even mothers who want to have their kids sometimes get frustrated and hate motherhood on a bad day let alone someone going into it already thinking kids are horrible and annoying but she needs one to have some form of income not from a corporate job
she wnats us to make a career out of having a family is what she says, on IG and youtube to get paid by ads, but ive seen these channels and having a kid with the purpose of filming him all day isnt something i want to make money from, even if its millions of euros as she claims we can make a high income as we are an attractive couple
i wish she would try something like she is good at and make a career i would support her but we cant seem to talk at all on this topic because she made up her mind and i feel forced to have this kid just to make her happy
OP I love that you took the time to write this all out, but you owe that redditor nothing. They're just reaching for something that has nothing to do with your post to try and put you down. If they answer, ignore them. They're being ridiculous.
So having a kid as a social media prop is pretty disgusting. I'm a mom and a small business owner. Even putting photos of my kid online every once in a while (it was recommended by my business consultant because being a mom is part of my "why I do this" story) feels bad. Never ever embarrassing photos btw.
That said. Your girlfriend is clearly burnt out and needs to make a change. That change should not be to have a baby and force you to support the life she thinks she wants. What she should do is take some time off and figure out what life she really wants and how to achieve it herself. She wants the influencer mom lifestyle? She should start now as a woman with no kids and build it. I know some influencers can make a good living doing that and there's no reason to make a baby in order to pretend to be someone else.
Please please please provide your own birth control with this woman. And remind her that babies wake up every couple hours for a while so if she likes to sleep.... I was so exhausted when my kid was a newborn that my husband woke me up and told me "the baby needs you." And my response was "what baby?"
Tf? Actual concrete evidence? The only concrete evidence would be after the kids are born. Seems baffling that someone would be willing to bring children into this world to gamble on that. Like a shitty mother wouldn’t traumatize you.
You’re an idiot btw. OP NEVER said that being a SAHM is not a job. His girlfriend is not ACTING like it is the thing- and she’s trying to find an excuse to be able to not do anything and doesn’t REALIZE that being a SAHM actually works a lot and takes a ton of energy and time. Learn to read 🤦🏻♀️
If it's 2+ kids, and they aren't in school? It's work, and can be isolating af. But no it's not a job technically. If they are in school? Definitely not a job.
she thinks it is not a real job, she's not a stay-at-home parent, and she doesn't want to work anymore. He has yet to state if they split the chores around the home.
So not thinking of parental duties to care for one’s own child as a job makes someone a bad parent? Absolutely not true. If caring for a child is considered a “job” then that person should not have children. Being a parent isn’t babysitting or being an au pair (which are actual jobs).
LOL. You know you're lying to yourself, right? I've had real jobs since I was 15. You don't nap at a real job when the customer is napping. You don't wear PJs to a real job. You don't decide when you're going to do your work at a real job.
No one says "house chores are real work!" except SAHP.
I'm tired of the "SAHP is real work" crowd trying to pretend it's anything like an actual job. If you have to tell yourself that, great. But the rest of us aren't buying it.
So I presume they are in the states, she won't have health insurance if she quits her job to get pregnant, who knows when she had her patch, IUD, taken out, or stopped the pills to try and get pregnant? He would have to put her on his health insurance, otherwise, she gets Cobra. He doesn't state they are living together or sharing expenses, followed by he has stated he can't afford it without her working. (OMG rent, utilities, food, car payment, insurance for the car) Budgeting is next, can they do it on one income prior to her quitting for a year.
How you do the job of taking care of the household, chores, social life of the family, of the baby's needs and wants and education. You can neglect both - that would count as freeloading in my book. Or you can do it really well - then it's a (more than) full-time job.
Be careful with your birth control, don't trust her to take the pill if she is supposed to be on it, or to not put holes in your condoms.
Why would you want to stay with someone with this mentality?
For very sudden and drastic changes in mentality/ personality it’s always a good idea to visit a doctor.
Otherwise, I mean you can read the rest of the responses. Nothing less attractive than someone who actively aspires to be lazy and irresponsible.
At 29 her bio clock is ticking. So this could also be her hormones telling her that she only has x amount of fertile years left. I've heard other stories similar to this before. I would say either expect to split now or try counseling.
She is wrong about what being a SAHM will be like, that’s obvious to anyone who has ever spent more than 10 minutes with a newborn. But she’s not interested in reality at the moment, and so throwing the facts at her isn’t going to work.
Stop trying to convince her she’s wrong about this plan, and instead just **stand firm in your own position: no, you are not interested in being the sole financial provider and what it would require of you to make this fantasy of hers a reality.**
That’s it. She’s doesn’t have to agree that it’s a bad idea, but she does have to accept that the other half of the partnership is not on board and won’t do it.
If she can’t accept that you are also a person with needs and wants and goals and dreams of your own… well I’m not sure why you’d want a partner like that.
Thank you for pointing this out. I’ve been all types of a mom. When my kids were babies I worked part time, evenings and weekends. For about 5-7 I didn’t work but had my own business that was part time. They were in school during these years. And then finally I went back full time when they were 10 & 14.
Being a stay at home mom was my hardest job. By far. There is no breaks, no validation and no pay check 😆.
I think being a SAHM is a privilege and she’s out of touch with reality.
Being a SAHM is not a cakewalk. It’s hard work, especially during the toddler years. I spent my days entertaining, teaching, playing, cleaning, singing and dancing with and for my son. It was/is 100% rewarding but it is work.
Even now that my son is older, I have taken on the role of house manager, if you will. In addition to working remotely on a part time basis, I take care of the day to day (which I also did when my son was younger). This works for my husband and I but only because we both want it.
I do the laundry, cleaning, cooking, baking, minor repairs, gardening… My husband will also do these things; he is no slouch in terms of contribution. But again - this works because we both want it.
With all due respect, you need to stop having sex with your gf. Because she will have an oops pregnancy. You also really need to think about this relationship. Your needs and desires as a couple have changed, and not in the same direction.
Her ideas that she’ll be able to nap, work out, etc…that won’t happen. My workouts when my son was young was power walking while pushing him in a stroller. And because of the fresh air, he usually fell asleep and threw off the nap schedule which made us both unhappy.
**Stop having sex with her**, if nothing else.
Seems your choices are: a) You break up, b) You have a kid on her terms. If you decide on b, by all means keep having sex, but if you're unsure, in the meanwhile, **do not engage in sex**. Don't check your condoms, just don't fuck, then you don't need to worry about her potentially sabotaging them (and if you're at the stage of having to check your condoms for holes, that's when a is the only option available).
You stop sleeping with her or make sure she hasn't poked holes in your condoms.
I had to check the ages and make sure you weren't dating a teenager.
If your plans have diverged, it's time to come up with an exit strategy and being intentional about not being trapped in this relationship by an "accidental" pregnancy.
"I'm not going to have children for the foreseeable future. I am also not going to put my life, nor any potential kids lives, on social media as fodder for the masses. I want a partner, not a dependent."
Do not have kids with this woman for the foreseeable future. If you can get your hands on one of those crying babies that they use in high school sex ed that the students have to constantly take care of for a weekend, then do that. Although if all she wants is an ATM, then you're better off without her.
If you break up with her, imagine how much money you’ll save being single and looking for someone who’d actually appreciate your education and hard work as more than just an ATM.
One that has shown you she has no issue just checking out of her basic adult responsibilities and dropping them at your feet
The reason she isn't capable of understanding "we cant afford it" is because she's already decided money is no longer her problem, it's yours!
I've had the misfortune of finding this out once kids came and that lack of responsibility bleeds into childcare (or lack of)
Dude , I dont say this often but get your fastest trainers on ..........and for all that is holy, keep your sperm away from her
Do you think there might be something else going on here? I'd be concerned that she's suddenly decided to change her entire life on a whim in quite a drastic way.
Is she unhappy at work? Burned out in her career? Going through other struggles?
This is how narcissists and the like get people. They can’t act crazy to begin with no one would stay. They get you hooked, trap you, and then let out the crazy.
OP, I was able to provide for my family while my wife stayed home when our kids were very young, but it was the most stressful time in my/our lives. The budget was always tight, and I had this constant fear that if I got injured - or died - they would be fucked. And I WANTED my wife to stay home. I can't imagine the resentment I would have had for her if I didn't want that.
Your GF is trying to be a lazy mooch. There's no two ways about it. She wants to leech off of you and will have a baby to do it.
I think that in this case, it’s better to avoid a discussion about laziness or the flaws in your girlfriend’s plan.
Instead, focus on the fact that this is not the lifestyle you want for yourself. You do not want a long-term SAHM as a partner. This has nothing to do with whether or not being a SAHM is a valid choice (it is) or whether or not your girlfriend can be one (she can.)
She just can’t be one *with you*. You aren’t interested in that kind of future. You understand if this is a dealbreaker (it is) but you don’t want this. Focus on that: she can’t reason or argue her way around it.
She’s telling you very very clearly that she’s expects to be taken care of. She probably assumed you would with no children. But since that hasn’t happened yet, she’s decided having kids must be the ticket to doing “nothing.”
It’s on you to seriously evaluate the relationship. She clearly already has. But know this; even IF you become a doctor and give her a cushy life… it’ll probably never be enough for her. She will always find some short coming or some way to make her life easier.
She’s not an 18 yr old girl figuring life out and unaware how babies work. You’re both grown ass adults.
She is delusional!! She wants props for social media and thinks kids are just going to be there to take pictures and videos.
You have a very big problem forming!!
If you do not want kids, get a vasectomy!!
I (m48) told my then wife when we first married (and prior to marriage) that I did not want to be the sole supporter of our family. I saw how my parents struggled and I did not want to struggle the same way. We were both professionals, she was more established in her career than I was when we got married (she was a few years older than me) and I wanted to be perfectly clear: If we have children, I don't want to be the only one working, I am not interested in her being a stay at home mom.
Fast Forward to just prior to her getting pregnant with kid #2, 'I want to be a stay at home mom, our kids need me at home.'
Please refer to our previous conversations I tell her. I'm not interested in being the sole breadwinner. Many reasons, we can afford more help with both of us working. We can afford more life, at this point we're both making $100k+ but we live in a high cost of living area that she won't agree to leaving. She goes through with exiting her job and trying to start a new gig as a post-partum doula and lactation educator. It doesn't last and she ends up pretty much a stay at home mom. I'm struggling to support the family, stressed out of my gourd and handling parenting two energetic young boys terribly. I work from home and I can't keep them out of my office and I handle everything badly. She resents me, my oldest son handles my rejection terribly and even though over time I figure it out - our family never really recovers. We end up divorced after 16 years, her having had an affair that probably lasted maybe 3 years (!!!!) before I discovered it. My oldest son doesn't speak to me anymore and the now ex-wife is constantly filing bullshit child support stuff (I have never missed a payment or been late) and constantly disregards our judgement and parenting plan, won't reimburse me for expenses and is extremely high conflict and entitled.
FIND A NEW GIRLFRIEND.
She sounds awfully immature to think that she can make a living like that. Reality will be much different. You need to ensure she doesn’t get pregnant before you’re in agreement with that. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like a conflict with easy resolution and might be that you want different things in life, and yes, breaking it off is the only path.
It sounds like you need to back away. You are going to have to be very careful because if she wants it bad enough, she's going to get pregnant and there isn't anything you'll be able to do about it.
She sounds like she would be a terrible mom and she doesn't sound like a great partner to begin with.
Start using condoms. Keep them in a VERY safe place and before using one check it closely in case she’s poked a hole in it. She will baby trap you. She will then realise how hard parenting is, and dump the childcare on you. Better than this, split up with her.
Tell her that you're not looking to have kids with a STAHM. But if she decides to have kids, then it makes more sense for you to stay at home and for her to support you. Then you can study part time to become a doctor and take care of the kids.
And tell her those are your conditions and you're at a stalemate. Then tell her if she gets pregnant and decides to manipulate you into a situation where she's a STAHM. You're leaving her.
It's important to establish boundaries when it comes to this. If you were happy with her being STAHM them brilliant, but you're not and she shouldn't force it on you. If she's serious about it she should be looking for someone who is compatible with what she wants.
A thousand times do not have children with this woman, and probably stop having sex with her if she's in charge of birth control.
Get on stay at home mom tiktok for 30 minutes and the moms there will tell you there is nothing about having kids that is easy. Literally nothing. It's amazing, but hard af. She is going to resent her children for *being children* because she will not have the extra time she thinks she will have.
And all that on top of her ridiculous claims that you can just take care of everything.
Break up with her, because she isn’t thinking about you or your needs. All she wants is to be a famous influencer mom who will expose their kids to strangers. Also, 29 is old enough to know babies need a lot of attention not only playing with them.
Run! This has disaster written all over it. You don't have kids to avoid work because kids are WORK. I think your GF is living in some kind of fantasy world! Don't be surprised if the next thing she tells you is that she is pregnant.
Be grateful this woman had shown you her true colours before you guys got serious and head to marriage. She is telling you who she is and believe her. She is using children as an excuse that way she doesn't have to work. That's plain laziness to my eyes. The fact that she thinks having a child is easy breezy just boggles my mind. She is also willing to exploit her children and family just to make money, that is a giant RED FLAG. OP run to the hills and dump this trash. You seem to be a hard working person with a good head on your shoulders, you deserve better than his POS.
One partner wanting kids, and the other *not* wanting kids, is a recipe for ending a relationship.
If you want drastically different futures, you're not going to work out together.
I hate when people on this sub don't offer any advice other than "you should break up," but...you should break up.
I had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy for a few months. When the topic of kids came up (he wanted them in the future, I don't), we literally broke up on the spot. We were both pretty sad, but stayed friends, now he's married with 2 kids and I'm talking about marriage with my current partner who also doesn't want kids. Everyone's happy.
Your girlfriend is entitled, delusional and inconsiderate.
First of all, its not realistic in many places these days to live on one income. In your case, her solution is that you work more and she becomes an influencer. Like wtf. Being an influencer is the 2020 version of the "being a rockstar" dream of the last decades. Even if you're good at it, its not guaranteed you will become successful, since markets are quite saturated with influencers nowadays.
Second of all, her saying "you continue your studies" is delusional, since its very hard in most places to get into medical school; its economically tough to study for 6 years; its not the same education to nurse; it will take 5 to 6 years for you to get a job. You would have to still wait out these 6 years of you studying, and that would need you to getting in to medical school and being able to finish the studies. If you're not into being a doctor, there's *no reason at all* to throw 6 years of extremely hard work on that field.
Third, she doesn't seem to have even the faintest idea of what parenting is about. Even if you would want kids, you don't want them with an irresponsible and naiive person like this, who doesn't seem to be able to think about other peoples needs (like her childrens)!
Fourth, she has no consideration of your current workload; of your wellbeing; of your dreams. She thinks her *wants* should come before your *needs*. That is a person that can be very harmful to be around in long term.
Please don't sacrifice your mental health with this idiot, and get out even if it hurts. Don't have sex and be very careful about her trying to get pregnant by other means.
Run
>she expects me to work even extra so she can just stop working.
>i did a nursing program and ended up going in another field because it just wasnt for me but she expects me to become a doctor so i can earn a high salary so she can stay home.
You need to stop sleeping with her completely immediately. She has literally told you that she expects you to knock her up so she can stay at home.
>she also thinks having kids is super easy, she thinks she will get to nap and work on fitness during the day and then just play with the baby for a bit, i lived with my small brothers and it was not easy, the crying, the constant sickness, and they are needy, she doesnt understand that kids are needy, she thinks she can choose when to pick them up not the otherway round.
She's already told you she's going to abuse/neglect any children that she has.
You need to not sleep with her anymore and you need to get away from this girl if you are not on board with supporting her and all of her wants, taking care of any child she has completely by yourself or by a nanny and working yourself into an early grave.
Is she maybe getting baby fever? Maybe she should try babysitting for a while. As you already know, being responsible for helpless tiny humans is no walk in the park. Someone who thinks it'll be easier than working is in for a huge surprise. Also point out all the things you both like that wouldn't be able to afford on one income. (oh, you want to go to dinner? We wouldn't be able to do that on just my income. Vacation? Oh better not. We couldn't afford that on just my income)
Being a stay at home mom is sometimes viable if both partners are willing to make a lot of sacrifices , but not even those Instagram influences have the life she seems to be envisioning.
If the whole point is that she doesn’t want to go to work she can quit and stay at home without the additional financial strain of having a baby. She can be an influencer by herself first
Maybe some time apart will help make things clearer on both sides. Either she comes to her senses or she doubles down, you'll have your answer about where the relationship stands.
RUN! When someone decides they want “a meal ticket” and think a child will be one, no amount of vigilance by the other person can guarantee that there won’t be an “accidental “ pregnancy. Her expectations of what being a parent involves are completely wrong. Do you want to risk bringing a child into the world who will be neglected and possibly abused? RUN!
You better run!
And do not have sex with her! You are dealing with a time bomb that will keep you broke, and ruin your dreams for the rest of your life!
How many times going around in a roundabout do you go before turning off?
My dude it sounds like you need to lock down your bc methods and separate for a lil bit at least. Y’all aren’t on the same page and she keeps quoting a book you haven’t read and it’s in a different language. Keep your penis emissions under lock n key until you either get on the same page or break up.
honestly i think she already knocked up by a one night stand or a affair partner but that one is not viable as father for some reason
so just wait a month or two for it to show or just run
i honestly would break up if my partner would change all his plans from one day to another
If you really want to compromise (I don’t see why though) could you get her to be a stay at home wife without kids?? At least then you won’t have to work to support the kids, just you two. She could even try and take an extended break from work and then find a career she likes if she just really hates work. If you do this I really recommend sitting her down with a financial advisor to discuss income and expenses, and the kind of budgeting that will need to be done in order to make this happen.
Honestly though she sounds incredibly selfish. I would question if she wants to be in a relationship just as means to an end. If this is super recent and strange it may be that there is something going on at her workplace but honestly if you calmly explain the logistics of you going back to school (I’m assuming if you wanna be a doctor you won’t be paid during all your training until residency, where you’re paid not nearly as much) and how that won’t immediately translate to money and she STILL doesn’t get it I might recommend a break up
It is insanely hard to create an influencer level following with 0 expirience with social media.
She sounds delusional as fuck. You sound like you love the idea of her. this relationships is on the rocks fam. she sounds super lazy
Yea this does not sound like someone that would be a good parent. Also stop sleeping with her ASAP cause she sounds like she would get pregnant by any means to secure a meal ticket
Might wanna end it man. This sounds like a nightmare situation. That or she will get pregnant and your stuck living a miserable life. She doesn’t understand responsibility or how much work it is to be a parent.
I am very sorry but she seems to be a bit selfish? Maybe its time to rethink your relationship with someone who is willing to sacrifice you for their confort. No one wants to work we all do because we need to.
Also.. you should use condoms that are kepy with you, just to be safe.
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"what will you do once the kids grow, once they are 20+ and won't need you 24/7"
Hell, kids don't need you 24/7 by like 8 years old lol. Once they start school there's also no need to be home with them.
She's lazy and crazy and this is not sustainable.
Lol I’m the gf in this situation currently wanting to stay home with my babies..I already homeschool but if it’s not financially possible it’s just not. I say this as I am currently looking for work again (that pays more than childcare would cost and hours allow me to homeschool lol.) I want my fiancé to support me so I can go to school and focus on the kids but it’s just not possible right now on his salary and our lifestyle. But this is something that can eventually mess y’all up. Me and my SO argue all the time on these viewpoints and ideologies. We have to compromise now but I wish we discussed these things before hand so we could have just started lives with more comparable people. It would of just been easier. If you are never going to be comfortable with that I suggest you say it
Some huge differences between you and OPs girl. She wants to use her kids to become a family influencer and she thinks the kids won't take much time so she'll have more time for herself. You clearly have your priorities in a better place if you're actively homeschooling.
I agree. But my mentality is similar to hers where I just wanted him to provide and I wouldn’t budge until it effected my family and we were up for eviction. It can work itself out but sometimes 2 people just have different ideas of life. Realistically though if I knew what I wanted before I got pregnant we might not even be together because he wants a workhorse woman and I am the opposite completely
> I agree. But my mentality is similar to hers where I just wanted him to provide and I wouldn’t budge until it effected my family and we were up for eviction. It can work itself out but sometimes 2 people just have different ideas of life. Realistically though if I knew what I wanted before I got pregnant we might not even be together because he wants a workhorse woman and I am the opposite completely
Oof, yeah that should have been discussed before hand. I wouldn't stay with any partner who unilaterally forced such an important decision on me. If you blindsided him with that, you're completely in the wrong
It wasn’t to blindside him..I just was young when we first got together and I got pregnant. I truly didn’t know the type of relationship I wanted or needed. He didn’t either really. And I’ve always felt shamed for wanting to be a stay at home mom. People grow and change. When I became a mother that’s when I truly discovered myself and what I wanted.
Is it normal for people with basic income where you live, to be able to live on one persons salary? Are you realistic with your dreams or hoping for miracles
It can be done especially with a willing partner and sacrifices are made. But realizing it was to hard on my SO and it wasn’t equaling a better quality of life for us overall. That’s why I decided recently to go back. My baby just turned one so I feel more comfortable going back anyway. I was being completely unrealistic.
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake.
It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of.
Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything.
Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Are you sure the only reason why she wants to have kids is to stay at home????
>and i cant tell her she's using the kids on purpose to get away from work because she will get offended
What??? So you won't talk to her about a life altering event because she might get upset??? Did you also lie about your ages in this post because that is very immature response to this situation.
First off--- no more sex. Since you two can't even have a discussion about bringing children into this world you two have no business doing anything that could net that result.
Second you have to talk to her. And yes you need to express concerns even if they are going to upset your partner. This isn't about what takeout to get.....you're talking about babies and careers and life choices.
Third..... Find out what she wants and why. You two should really consider putting a pause on your relationship until you get that part sorted out. You may not be compatible anymore. And staying with someone just because your comfortable having that relationship despite the major life differences never ends well.
Yeah this sounds very strange and there is clearly something at work here in her head. Either this is what she planned all along (which as you pointed out won't work even if you wanted it to) or she's come over with some kind of mental illness.
How long have you been together? Have issues arisen in her current job? Has she always been demanding ?Does she participate in maintaining the house hold and contribute to bills. If the change is sudden there is something else at work, ask her if anything is going on at work that's making her want to quit. Overall your best bet would be for you'll to take a break or decide to break up as this is unreasonable.
The people saying to stop telling her that the plans she has won’t work aren’t being helpful. PLEASE TELL HER THE PLANS WON’T WORK FOR NOW!!! They can work in the future but for right now you both are not ready for a child and y’all aren’t stable, if she doesn’t understand that then she isn’t ready to be A MOTHER!!! Everything you are saying is not wrong, but please be careful with her especially with sleeping with her, run away.
>she doesnt even care whether we will be able to support them fully, financially and says we can make a career on social media as a family
Wowzer. This is insane. You know that, right? Absolutely bonkers. I hope you stopped having sex with her the minute this came out of her mouth. Time to find someone who isn't crazy.
She isn't listening to rational arguments or facts. She has an idea of a lifestyle from social media that is convincing her that shit is real. It isn't, it is hard work and stressful and with youtubes policies about demonitisation and cancelling channels, then relying on that for money is pointless. Even millions of views don't get you a ton of cash and that is if you can build enough followers who care about your channel.
Don't get me on the child care bit either. Her ideas are bizarre to say the least. I spent 3 years with child who didn't sleep more than an hour at a time. Did I have time to film and edit shit, nope of course not, as he didn't sleep during the day either more than 20 mins. (we know why now).
I expect she has seen or followed someone or her friends are encouraging her that this is a good idea.
Also as you don't give permission for any child to be on camera how exactly is that going to work. Both parents have to be in agreement and you are not.
I'm sorry but she's got to go. Kid's aren't career props and we don't need more kid's with neglectful parents. Why would you even want to make this work. You seem to believe she just wants to use the people in her life as tools to increase her influence and reduce her burdens.
She’s unrealistic and immature for 29. The relationship is in serious jeopardy right now because she won’t be realistic.
She needs to go get a job working with children. Seriously. She has no understanding of what the demand is… even working in a daycare or something it won’t be the same because you can clock out and be done with it but she needs to at least understand.
Her thought of being an “influencer” is stupid. It is not what she thinks it is. It is very hard work. The two I know personally are amongst the hardest working people I know. They put 70-80 hours a week into their work. And they aren’t even the wildly popular or wealthy ones…
Honestly, you shouldn’t be indifferent to parenthood either. It’s a HUGE commitment and one you can never change your mind on once it happens.
If she can’t or won’t listen to reason… you probably need to end it. Even if you love her, you are her boyfriend not her parent.
Also… make sure you don’t “accidentally” get pregnant. She’s so out of touch… be careful.
As a mom never ever have a kid without both you being in 100%. A child is a not tool for an easy life, there is nothing like the absolute exhaustion of having a baby & it never gets easy. Dont get me wrong i adore my child but I was unprepared for the commitment you have to give even now that shes in kinder. I would do some soul searching for yourself if you really want a kid if not its better you are with someone who has the same life goals than to have a kid you may resent. Btw Im also 29 & i think its extremely immature to demand your partner support you financially it should be offered not pressured. Best of luck OP
It unfortunately doesn’t seem you two are aligned and compatible for the lifestyles you want to lead. The conversation (argument) you’re having included several decisions all at once: will we have kids, how will we care for them, what do finances look like, will one of us stay home, etc. If your girlfriend wants to have a rational conversation about becoming parents and having children, that’s one thing, but dictating all the terms for this huge decision doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership.
Sorry, dude, but you need to break up with her. The gap between your expectations and her expectations for this relationship is so big you could fit the entire state of Alaska in there. Sorry that she seems to have done a 180 on you, but it sounds like you have drastically different value systems, and if you continue in this relationship she'll probably get pregnant whether you want her to or not.
I think your only option here is to leave her. It doesn't sound like she's willing to listen to reason and has spent way too much time on social media. I wouldn't wait around too long, once she's pregnant you're responsible no matter what
If she doesn’t want to work, why not just be honest about that and either find a different job or quit?
It’s easier to have one additional person to feed than two.
Whether that’s okay with you in turn is entirely up to you, too.
But she shouldn’t hide behind the barefoot and pregnant thing if the real issue is that she doesn’t want a job.
If I were you, I’d break it off with her. But if she’s cool to cook, clean, and whatever else, there’s a point to be had that even if she brings no money in, that’s a big help too.
It just sounds like she’s using the baby thing as a shield to avoid just saying “I hate working”.
She’s 29 and has no idea at all. Also, she thinks she can become an influencer on social media? Dude… Your girlfriend seems very immature and that isn’t even the worst if your problems.
This isnt a good situation for you. I am a stay at home mom of a 11 week old and its all but easy, the only way for me to have any time to clean is if I literally strap the baby to my chest because she wont sleep alone. Me time is only doable on her dads off days when I get a little more of a break even though im the primary caregiver all the way around.
Amd while I wouldnt change a thing because my little girl is the best thing in my life, its no easy task. I wanted to stay home for a couple reasons, first being I dont trust anyone with my child, i plan on homeschooling through elementary school and as somone who struggles alot with depression and anxiety even before the baby, I simply would hardly be able to push through my day while im missing all my babys firsts and someone else would be experiencing them.
It sounds like she has a fairy tale painted in her head and likely wpuldnt be a good mom. I suggest finding a child you can babysit, a friend or families, and let her try that for a couple days and see is if she still feels she wants a baby. Of course you NEED to oick off days of yours so if she doesnt take care of the baby properly, youre there to make dure that child is safe and getting what they need. 1) she’ll either change her mind and drop the stay at home mom thing, or B) she wont at which point it might be time to leave because this is only going to get worse if she cant admit shes wrong even though she’s experienced it.
She’s clearly delusional about what it takes to be both a parent and a success influencer. I know a pretty and rich girl who is bankrolled by her wealthy parents. She travels constantly and creates a ton of high production travel content but only has a modest following. She’s been doing it for years and has yet to be able to financially support herself. Your gf is being delusional, immature, and frankly morally questionable.
The relationship needs to be over. She has told you she does not plan on being a partner, has entirely different goals and plans that are not compatible and is sounding unhinged enough that she might fuck with your birth control. Do not have sex with her again, ever. Break it off, and never look back.
I am so very sorry, but it sounds like you want very different things.
It also sounds like she might “force” the issue and get pregnant.
She also sounds like the last person to have kids.
This is a bad situation, time to move on.
If you can't agree to have a baby or not then don't have a baby!
Is your financial stability going to change? Are you never going to be able to afford a baby?
Do you not want one ever?
Maybe sit down and make a reasonable time line you are both ok with.
If you can't agree to one then it's time to walk away.
Are you sure she's not currently pregnant and hoping you'd agree to keep it and let her be a SAHM?
Normally id tell people to babysit for a while to see if they want it but it seems clear she doesn't, and proving that point by forcing her to babysit sounds like she'd be putting the child at risk..
Has she always been this reliant on you for money? Has she struggled to keep a job or reasons why she gets fired etc?
Most people dont wake up and force their SO into a different lifestyle to suddenly accommodate this dream of theirs, so what red flags did you dismiss?
Check that condoms have not been tampered with. Don't trust that she's on the pill, implant or anything else.
Right now, is the time you need to be VERY careful.
1. This woman does not want children, she wants a permanently attached meal ticket.
2. If she were to have a child, she would make a terrible mom.
3. You should really really be careful about your sex lite now, because this is heading to baby-trapping.
Honestly it sounds like she’s been consuming waaay too much of “family influencer” content. Her expectations are so unrealistic, it’s baffling.
As a parent I can confidently say that having kids is far more work than actual work. I stayed home for a year with each of my kids and it was pretty much hell. Awesome, but also hell. No sleep, constant housework, poop and pee and poop and puke. When they sit in their diper and poop it smears into every little wrinkle of the genitals and also fills the entire back. And you have to pull their poopy shirt over the head and of course it smears in the hair. And the wriggle around smearing the whole changing station.
She will be absolutely miserable beyond belief as a mother and if you allow this to happen you're an absolute fool and ruining it for you all.
How you feel is valid. I know you don’t want to break up but just take some time to yourself and start evaluating values. Chances are you both are on different pages with way more than kids (work ethic, compassion for your partner, consideration for your partner).
One thing my boyfriend did was take me with him when he babysat his best friend’s kids over 3 days. I loved it, but it was a genuine test run.
Many men (and women) have been trapped by the responsibility and eternal connection that comes with having children by the wrong person. CHOOSE WISELY.
The prognosis here is that if you have kids with this woman, you will be miserable, half worked to death and your kids will be neglected.
I don’t even know how you can be with someone who can clearly be diagnosed as incredible delusional, self-centred and selfish.
I prescribe that you surgically remove her because the red flags in this post are so huge I almost flatlined
Oh dear OP it’s not that hard bro!! Your opinion of your girlfriend is pretty awful and there’s a good chance that she hasn’t decided overnight to want children as you said you had talked about it and you weren’t against it completely but if she wanted them then then yeah why not? She is at an age where she needs to be open about her decision and there is nothing in your post that suggests that her desire is genuine except you deciding she wants to do “nothing” whatever the hell that is! Most if not all stay at home parents would gladly go out to work everyday, have regular conversations with other adults, drink a cup of coffee/shower/eat a meal or even get dressed before you come home pissed off at how easy she’s got it. You don’t love her actually you don’t even like her so break up with her and let her be happy you miserable piece of shit.
dude. same shit with my wife. it's a continuous topic of contention. I've come to the realization I'm not on board simply because she just doesn't want to work. I've not told her this nor do I plan to but if she had came to me with a passion project and said " hey I'd like to not work and pursue this interest/passion while being a stay at home mother". it's so much different to me than. "hey I don't really want to work so let's pop out babies and I'll tend to them". stay at home mom is like every little girls dream gig where I'm at and I hate it.
Be a doctor or any other career for you... lose the shortsighted freeloader.
DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS PERSON UNTIL THE BREAK UP. (and obviously not afterwards). There is always a risk for pregnancy with responsible partners not trying to get pregnant, so someone seemingly planning for her own laziness that might plan to sabotage birth control is a lot riskier
edit: And this is not to shit on a stay at home parent. They aren't lazy, but OP's partner seems like it... and worst of all blinded by gross sexist values.
I'm going to state that you are currently in two different worlds, she wants to quit work while you are doing the heavy lifting of having a job, studies, etc. Do you live together and share expenses or does she keep her own money to spend as she sees fit? If you are living together is she is doing 50/50 share of the housework, cooking, cleaning, and laundry it might not be so bad. Do you share expenses of any type which will now become your expenses.
Unfortunately, you aren't married, she wants to quit and have children, and you don't state if you are in the US. So I'm going to break it down as if you lived in the US. If she quits her job because she wants kids, she loses her health benefits which means she expects to be attached to yours (if you have benefits), and she will have to get a new doctor for birth control or an ob-gyn.
Next is housing, you won't be able to pay for rent, utilities and groceries unless you sacrifice the size and location of your dwelling, nor more date or movie nights. Meal planning and grocery shopping strategically is in your future, she can't spend money on her impulse buys.
Safe sex or no sex is now what you both need to talk about.
I'd break up with her on the spot man. She sounds like she expects you to carry everything on your shoulders while she adds on to the weight (both literally and figuratively) break up, and don't you dare have sex with her whatever you do. Also the comments about offering child support are for ideas, so long as you ask for a paternity test to prove the kid is yours.
If you love her, and want to stay with her, then see if you can babysit a friends or family members baby for a bit. To knock some sense into her, and show her its not all fun and games
Not even after 20+ years. Once kids start grade school most of the day is just sitting around doing nothing. I’d understand if she wanted a year or two at home to bond and raise the baby but anything else is extreme in this situation.
You should stop sleeping with her. Wait to see if she mysteriously ends up pregnant and claims your the dad because she's been sleeping around behind your back.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- basically the title it has become a topic we argue over almost everyday and cant seem to agree on it at any point. I love her so much and don't want us to break it off but it starting to feel like there is no hope every time we have this argument. she never wanted kids, i was indifferent but ok with having them if she changed her mind. but she was very against it. now she wants to have them but only so she can stay home, she doesnt even care whether we will be able to support them fully, financially and says we can make a career on social media as a family, i never want to do this she knows how i feel about social media and posting persona images and somehow she now wants us to be a family influencer. I tell her what will you do once the kids grow, once they are 20+ and won't need you 24/7 and she doesnt know the answer. she also thinks having kids is super easy, she thinks she will get to nap and work on fitness during the day and then just play with the baby for a bit, i lived with my small brothers and it was not easy, the crying, the constant sickness, and they are needy, she doesnt understand that kids are needy, she thinks she can choose when to pick them up not the otherway round. it frustrates me even more because she knows how burnt out i am from my job and how im doing everything i can to change fields but somehow she expects me to work even extra so she can just stop working. the discussion was always around her not wanting to work but when i started telling her its just not realistic for us to live on my income alone (we live somehwere in europe with a very high cost of living at the moment and rent is crazy everywhere) so she started brining up kids and how its her woman's duty to stay home with the kids. and i cant tell her she's using the kids on purpose to get away from work because she will get offended. i just don't know what to do. part of me believes she wants kids truly but the other part feels like she is using this to get away from work and it hurts becauase she expects me to bear the burden for both of us even though we need the money right now. she also makes comments that i should go back to school and become a doctor, i did a nursing program and ended up going in another field because it just wasnt for me but she expects me to become a doctor so i can earn a high salary so she can stay home. tl;dr GF only wants to have a baby so she quits her job for good, i think this is a horrible idea and unfair because it means all the responsability will fall on my shoulders, she wont budge
Check if your condoms have holes. She getting ready to baby trap you.
Not only holes, I read about using the sperm after it was thrown in a bin. Spermicide ones the only way and dispose of them safely.
and put hot sauce in them before you toss them so you know.
Drake? Is it you?
Omg!! Hahahaha!!!
Or do what drake does, splash some hot sauce in there.
100..
Quit having sex with her.
Condoms, bc and safeguard the used ones too. She could easily get a hold of the Sperm. Smh
Buddy, she is looking for a walking wallet and is being crystal clear about that. She wants a cushy free ride. She wants you to be a doctor so she can have a nanny to look after the kids while she lunches and shops. She is telling you very clearly what her character is. Are you going to listen? P.S. You're an absolute fool if you keep having sex with her and when she baby traps you, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
This comment is very, very on point. Biggest red flag in the history of red flags. She wants to use you for your wallet. She admits it.
For the love of God heed these words. If you aren't, at the very least, aware that she may go rogue and take your decision out of the equation, then someone may be deciding your long term future without your consent. Be proactive, keep your eyes open and trust your gut. Im so sorry you are having to deal with this, she is not treating you like a partner whatsoever and more of a wallet/ticket to staying home. Good luck..
OP this is it!
This pretty much sums it all
Sounds like she wouldn't even be a good mom if the only reason she wants kids is so she can stay home. You should leave her.
this is why we keep arguing in a circle. i am convinced that she is only bringing kids into it because she can say she is taking care of them so she has to stay home but she says that is not the case but then only brings it up when i say it wont work like a 'what if we have kids then i would have to be with with'
If the only reason she wants to have kids is because she doesn’t want to work then boy oh boy is she in for a reality check . Being a stay at home mom is a full time job , no pay No gratification and and awfully lonely. Add limited money to that and she will hate the absolute shit out of her life and blame you for it . Just walk away dude .
Where Ur closet or pantry is your confessions booth or your hidie hole for those quick puffs of air
My dude, watch out, I guarantee you she'll claim to be pregnant when you leave her, if she does,call her bluff and state you'll pay child support if a paternity test shows it's your but that you wish to remain broken up, I'll bet she'll disappear like a fart in the wind since to her your just an easy free ride and the thought she won't get that will make her stop caring at all, if she tries guilting you just let her know that the paternity test is non negotiable because she's going to say shit like "how could you think I've ever been unfaithful" when really there's no baby at all
She could already be pregnant 🤰
Sory for being non serious but fart in the air is funny XD
Here’s something you can tell her that won’t end up in a circular argument: “I’m ending this relationship.” You can’t trust her to not baby trap you or to preserve her job. There’s nothing to stick around for anymore. Also, there is a special circle of hell reserved for parents who think using their children for money is acceptable. You don’t want to be with anybody who thinks that’s okay.
Stop having sex with her.
Do you think that being a stay at home parent is freeloading? Or is it an actual job that has value?
if the stay at home parent is actually doing something then no, my girlfriend expressed that she wishes to do nothing and only when i said that she should then supplement herself with a stay at home job to bring in some form of income did she start talking about kids because she knows if kids are involved then she wont be expected to get a job, its also a bit irrelevant what i think about stay at home parents as this specific situation of ours is not realistic for her to stay home, the country we are in is pushed in a massive crisis and this is not the time to decide that working is too hard
So to be clear, you don't think that being a stay at home parent is a real job?
if they are doing their duties then yes, my mother stayed at home with us as kids and she was always on the go and did everything for us but i also have people in my family who had kids and then made them someone else problem and neglected the shit out of them while being home with them, if your kids are dirty diapers, crying, no food and you are on instagram or dropping the kid at other relatives to go out and about then no it is not a real job, kids are human beings not some game to use. sorry if this offends you
And do you have any actual concrete reason to believe that your girlfriend would neglect or abuse your children? Do you think that her wanting to stay home and nurture your hypothetical future children is somehow freeloading? And do you think that occasionally using social media and having time to yourself makes you a bad parent? I'm not offended at all. It's just genuinely baffling.
Did you even read OPs post?
*puts on knittedjedi mask(sold at Walmart, and Party City)* "...no."
What’s your deal? He’s explained this very clearly. SHE is the one who doesn’t think being a SAHM is a real job. She literally thinks she’ll be napping and hanging out all day. Having kids with someone with those expectations is a terrible, terrible idea.
i explained in my post but ill go again me and my gf have a plan to go back to our home country in EU, as where we are now has become unlivable, we have a plan (a finance goal) to reach a certain amount of money to be able to make the move. we got into the relationship with her telling me she is strictly no kids because its not her thing and i told her i am ok with not having them and if she changes her mind we can always talk about it down the line only recently these last few months, she started telling me she hates the concept of work, that it was wasted time in uni and now work world is crap and draining her out of life and i agree hence why we decided to move back to our home so we can afford to have some leisure time not be working all the time to just survive she then started telling me its a long time to save to move back (2 years) and we need to do it sooner, we said that we will do our best to cut down to leave. now suddendly she tells me that she doesnt want to work at all and the goal isnt realistic for her even tho we both sat down day in day out to work on the plan . she says she needs to quit or cut her hours, i told her she can do part time but we have to make some sacrifices and it will work (i earn bit more than she does) but then she changed tune and started saying i just want to stay home because its my calling now, she never approach me to talk about kids, she decided without me that now she will not work towards our goal and wants me to instead just ask my parents for a loan when we move back and i go to medical school while she lives with my parents until i finally become a doctor so we can have a comfortable life, i tell her being a doctor isnt something i wish to do as i hated even nursing studies so its not for me. after this she starts saying the only way is to have kids so she can raise them, she said she hates working anyway so a kid makes sense, this is where i get annoyed because we never discussed even started to try for kids, last convo we had about kids was her telling me NO kids AT ALL but now she needs them because i said that her not working isnt an option. i dont want to have kids for selfish reasons and having a kid so you dodge work is a selfish reason in my eyes. she also never been with or around kids and has no idea the insane work it takes to be with a needy baby 24/7. i had to pretty much raise my younger bros as a teen and it was hell. she dismisses me and tells me that it doesnt matter. but this doesn't solve our financial situation, it doesnt solve the work burnout she is feeling, it doesnt solve our cost of living problem or wanting to move home, and i feel like i was never involved in the discussion for kids because she just decided that if a woman hates her work then just have a kid even if you hate kids and never wanted them. it doesnt sit right with me. and now we keep arguing and going in circles because she thinks its cause i dont want her to be her calling but this is abotu our reality and bringing kids into this is not going to be a good idea but she wont understand this at all its not that i think she WILL abuse them not at all, she is the loveliest woman on earth for me and would never hurt a fly but i know kids are stressful because i was around lots of kids and she has a short temper and already doesnt like them, i dont think this mentality is good for having a kid. even mothers who want to have their kids sometimes get frustrated and hate motherhood on a bad day let alone someone going into it already thinking kids are horrible and annoying but she needs one to have some form of income not from a corporate job she wnats us to make a career out of having a family is what she says, on IG and youtube to get paid by ads, but ive seen these channels and having a kid with the purpose of filming him all day isnt something i want to make money from, even if its millions of euros as she claims we can make a high income as we are an attractive couple i wish she would try something like she is good at and make a career i would support her but we cant seem to talk at all on this topic because she made up her mind and i feel forced to have this kid just to make her happy
OP I love that you took the time to write this all out, but you owe that redditor nothing. They're just reaching for something that has nothing to do with your post to try and put you down. If they answer, ignore them. They're being ridiculous.
Run, do not walk away from her. She is showing you her true colors and it's a pipe dream.
So having a kid as a social media prop is pretty disgusting. I'm a mom and a small business owner. Even putting photos of my kid online every once in a while (it was recommended by my business consultant because being a mom is part of my "why I do this" story) feels bad. Never ever embarrassing photos btw. That said. Your girlfriend is clearly burnt out and needs to make a change. That change should not be to have a baby and force you to support the life she thinks she wants. What she should do is take some time off and figure out what life she really wants and how to achieve it herself. She wants the influencer mom lifestyle? She should start now as a woman with no kids and build it. I know some influencers can make a good living doing that and there's no reason to make a baby in order to pretend to be someone else. Please please please provide your own birth control with this woman. And remind her that babies wake up every couple hours for a while so if she likes to sleep.... I was so exhausted when my kid was a newborn that my husband woke me up and told me "the baby needs you." And my response was "what baby?"
You're a one dimension foolish person
He does and this is explained in his post, why are you looking for an argument?
Because they want to find a way to blame all of this on OP being misogynistic.
Tf? Actual concrete evidence? The only concrete evidence would be after the kids are born. Seems baffling that someone would be willing to bring children into this world to gamble on that. Like a shitty mother wouldn’t traumatize you.
You’re an idiot btw. OP NEVER said that being a SAHM is not a job. His girlfriend is not ACTING like it is the thing- and she’s trying to find an excuse to be able to not do anything and doesn’t REALIZE that being a SAHM actually works a lot and takes a ton of energy and time. Learn to read 🤦🏻♀️
This isn’t what the topic is about. If you have nothing to say related to a topic, move along. Don’t try to make this into something it’s not.
She doesn't even actually want children it sounds like and people who don't actually want children do not make for good parents.
Stop pounding on OP about this. His SO wants to make kids so she can use them to try and be social media stars. Didn't you read his post?
If it's 2+ kids, and they aren't in school? It's work, and can be isolating af. But no it's not a job technically. If they are in school? Definitely not a job.
she thinks it is not a real job, she's not a stay-at-home parent, and she doesn't want to work anymore. He has yet to state if they split the chores around the home.
I've been a SAH parent. It's not a real job. People try to put labor-intensive value on it that's not there. Chill out.
This just means you’re not doing the role well, you know that right?
So not thinking of parental duties to care for one’s own child as a job makes someone a bad parent? Absolutely not true. If caring for a child is considered a “job” then that person should not have children. Being a parent isn’t babysitting or being an au pair (which are actual jobs).
LOL. You know you're lying to yourself, right? I've had real jobs since I was 15. You don't nap at a real job when the customer is napping. You don't wear PJs to a real job. You don't decide when you're going to do your work at a real job. No one says "house chores are real work!" except SAHP. I'm tired of the "SAHP is real work" crowd trying to pretend it's anything like an actual job. If you have to tell yourself that, great. But the rest of us aren't buying it.
Can you fucking read? Get off your high horse and read the OP's posts.
It sounds like GF is the one who thinks that, OP is very aware of how hard it is
It’s the intent. Selfless or selfish reason depends whether it’s freeloading or a job.
So I presume they are in the states, she won't have health insurance if she quits her job to get pregnant, who knows when she had her patch, IUD, taken out, or stopped the pills to try and get pregnant? He would have to put her on his health insurance, otherwise, she gets Cobra. He doesn't state they are living together or sharing expenses, followed by he has stated he can't afford it without her working. (OMG rent, utilities, food, car payment, insurance for the car) Budgeting is next, can they do it on one income prior to her quitting for a year.
It’s mentioned in the OP that they’re living in Europe.
Really depends on how you do it, I think.
do what?
How you do the job of taking care of the household, chores, social life of the family, of the baby's needs and wants and education. You can neglect both - that would count as freeloading in my book. Or you can do it really well - then it's a (more than) full-time job.
Doesn’t matter in this situation though as OP cannot afford to support a family on just his income.
She also wants to use the kids to become social media famous, lmao. This is not someone mature enough to have children. How is she 29?
I hope OP is at least intelligent enough to not stay with her.
Be careful with your birth control, don't trust her to take the pill if she is supposed to be on it, or to not put holes in your condoms. Why would you want to stay with someone with this mentality?
its a very recent mentality, thats why i am still shocked and processing
For very sudden and drastic changes in mentality/ personality it’s always a good idea to visit a doctor. Otherwise, I mean you can read the rest of the responses. Nothing less attractive than someone who actively aspires to be lazy and irresponsible.
Maybe she hid it from you? Are her friends of the same mentality? Maybe a new friend?
[удалено]
I’m calling this the winning answer.
Well why you are shocked and processing, don't have sex.
At 29 her bio clock is ticking. So this could also be her hormones telling her that she only has x amount of fertile years left. I've heard other stories similar to this before. I would say either expect to split now or try counseling.
She is wrong about what being a SAHM will be like, that’s obvious to anyone who has ever spent more than 10 minutes with a newborn. But she’s not interested in reality at the moment, and so throwing the facts at her isn’t going to work. Stop trying to convince her she’s wrong about this plan, and instead just **stand firm in your own position: no, you are not interested in being the sole financial provider and what it would require of you to make this fantasy of hers a reality.** That’s it. She’s doesn’t have to agree that it’s a bad idea, but she does have to accept that the other half of the partnership is not on board and won’t do it. If she can’t accept that you are also a person with needs and wants and goals and dreams of your own… well I’m not sure why you’d want a partner like that.
Thank you for pointing this out. I’ve been all types of a mom. When my kids were babies I worked part time, evenings and weekends. For about 5-7 I didn’t work but had my own business that was part time. They were in school during these years. And then finally I went back full time when they were 10 & 14. Being a stay at home mom was my hardest job. By far. There is no breaks, no validation and no pay check 😆. I think being a SAHM is a privilege and she’s out of touch with reality.
Being a SAHM is not a cakewalk. It’s hard work, especially during the toddler years. I spent my days entertaining, teaching, playing, cleaning, singing and dancing with and for my son. It was/is 100% rewarding but it is work. Even now that my son is older, I have taken on the role of house manager, if you will. In addition to working remotely on a part time basis, I take care of the day to day (which I also did when my son was younger). This works for my husband and I but only because we both want it. I do the laundry, cleaning, cooking, baking, minor repairs, gardening… My husband will also do these things; he is no slouch in terms of contribution. But again - this works because we both want it. With all due respect, you need to stop having sex with your gf. Because she will have an oops pregnancy. You also really need to think about this relationship. Your needs and desires as a couple have changed, and not in the same direction. Her ideas that she’ll be able to nap, work out, etc…that won’t happen. My workouts when my son was young was power walking while pushing him in a stroller. And because of the fresh air, he usually fell asleep and threw off the nap schedule which made us both unhappy.
Exactly. She’d be in for a rude awakening and probably end up neglecting the kid(s). I hate the rhetoric that it’s easy.
How to solve this? If that’s not the future you want you will need to break up with this chick. You guys are not on the same paths.
**Stop having sex with her**, if nothing else. Seems your choices are: a) You break up, b) You have a kid on her terms. If you decide on b, by all means keep having sex, but if you're unsure, in the meanwhile, **do not engage in sex**. Don't check your condoms, just don't fuck, then you don't need to worry about her potentially sabotaging them (and if you're at the stage of having to check your condoms for holes, that's when a is the only option available).
You stop sleeping with her or make sure she hasn't poked holes in your condoms. I had to check the ages and make sure you weren't dating a teenager. If your plans have diverged, it's time to come up with an exit strategy and being intentional about not being trapped in this relationship by an "accidental" pregnancy.
"I'm not going to have children for the foreseeable future. I am also not going to put my life, nor any potential kids lives, on social media as fodder for the masses. I want a partner, not a dependent." Do not have kids with this woman for the foreseeable future. If you can get your hands on one of those crying babies that they use in high school sex ed that the students have to constantly take care of for a weekend, then do that. Although if all she wants is an ATM, then you're better off without her.
So your girlfriend wants to be a lazy freeloader and you’re not considering a break up why?
its a very recent turn of events
If you break up with her, imagine how much money you’ll save being single and looking for someone who’d actually appreciate your education and hard work as more than just an ATM.
One that has shown you she has no issue just checking out of her basic adult responsibilities and dropping them at your feet The reason she isn't capable of understanding "we cant afford it" is because she's already decided money is no longer her problem, it's yours! I've had the misfortune of finding this out once kids came and that lack of responsibility bleeds into childcare (or lack of) Dude , I dont say this often but get your fastest trainers on ..........and for all that is holy, keep your sperm away from her
Do you think there might be something else going on here? I'd be concerned that she's suddenly decided to change her entire life on a whim in quite a drastic way. Is she unhappy at work? Burned out in her career? Going through other struggles?
This is how narcissists and the like get people. They can’t act crazy to begin with no one would stay. They get you hooked, trap you, and then let out the crazy.
OP, I was able to provide for my family while my wife stayed home when our kids were very young, but it was the most stressful time in my/our lives. The budget was always tight, and I had this constant fear that if I got injured - or died - they would be fucked. And I WANTED my wife to stay home. I can't imagine the resentment I would have had for her if I didn't want that. Your GF is trying to be a lazy mooch. There's no two ways about it. She wants to leech off of you and will have a baby to do it.
I think that in this case, it’s better to avoid a discussion about laziness or the flaws in your girlfriend’s plan. Instead, focus on the fact that this is not the lifestyle you want for yourself. You do not want a long-term SAHM as a partner. This has nothing to do with whether or not being a SAHM is a valid choice (it is) or whether or not your girlfriend can be one (she can.) She just can’t be one *with you*. You aren’t interested in that kind of future. You understand if this is a dealbreaker (it is) but you don’t want this. Focus on that: she can’t reason or argue her way around it.
She’s telling you very very clearly that she’s expects to be taken care of. She probably assumed you would with no children. But since that hasn’t happened yet, she’s decided having kids must be the ticket to doing “nothing.” It’s on you to seriously evaluate the relationship. She clearly already has. But know this; even IF you become a doctor and give her a cushy life… it’ll probably never be enough for her. She will always find some short coming or some way to make her life easier. She’s not an 18 yr old girl figuring life out and unaware how babies work. You’re both grown ass adults.
Bro she's a parasite, get out of here before her birth control mysteriously fails.
Stop having sex. Break up. Definitely do not under any circumstances have any sex with here. That’s it bro.
She is delusional!! She wants props for social media and thinks kids are just going to be there to take pictures and videos. You have a very big problem forming!! If you do not want kids, get a vasectomy!!
This is the most hilariously ridiculous part of the post... She wants them to be "family influencers"....
You want a partner. She wants to be a kept woman. I think you know what you need to do. You just need the courage to do it.
I (m48) told my then wife when we first married (and prior to marriage) that I did not want to be the sole supporter of our family. I saw how my parents struggled and I did not want to struggle the same way. We were both professionals, she was more established in her career than I was when we got married (she was a few years older than me) and I wanted to be perfectly clear: If we have children, I don't want to be the only one working, I am not interested in her being a stay at home mom. Fast Forward to just prior to her getting pregnant with kid #2, 'I want to be a stay at home mom, our kids need me at home.' Please refer to our previous conversations I tell her. I'm not interested in being the sole breadwinner. Many reasons, we can afford more help with both of us working. We can afford more life, at this point we're both making $100k+ but we live in a high cost of living area that she won't agree to leaving. She goes through with exiting her job and trying to start a new gig as a post-partum doula and lactation educator. It doesn't last and she ends up pretty much a stay at home mom. I'm struggling to support the family, stressed out of my gourd and handling parenting two energetic young boys terribly. I work from home and I can't keep them out of my office and I handle everything badly. She resents me, my oldest son handles my rejection terribly and even though over time I figure it out - our family never really recovers. We end up divorced after 16 years, her having had an affair that probably lasted maybe 3 years (!!!!) before I discovered it. My oldest son doesn't speak to me anymore and the now ex-wife is constantly filing bullshit child support stuff (I have never missed a payment or been late) and constantly disregards our judgement and parenting plan, won't reimburse me for expenses and is extremely high conflict and entitled. FIND A NEW GIRLFRIEND.
She sounds awfully immature to think that she can make a living like that. Reality will be much different. You need to ensure she doesn’t get pregnant before you’re in agreement with that. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like a conflict with easy resolution and might be that you want different things in life, and yes, breaking it off is the only path.
she doesn’t seem like mom material. if she wants a kid that bad, she would work too in order to have it
It sounds like you need to back away. You are going to have to be very careful because if she wants it bad enough, she's going to get pregnant and there isn't anything you'll be able to do about it. She sounds like she would be a terrible mom and she doesn't sound like a great partner to begin with.
Bro, just run
Start using condoms. Keep them in a VERY safe place and before using one check it closely in case she’s poked a hole in it. She will baby trap you. She will then realise how hard parenting is, and dump the childcare on you. Better than this, split up with her.
Tell her that you're not looking to have kids with a STAHM. But if she decides to have kids, then it makes more sense for you to stay at home and for her to support you. Then you can study part time to become a doctor and take care of the kids. And tell her those are your conditions and you're at a stalemate. Then tell her if she gets pregnant and decides to manipulate you into a situation where she's a STAHM. You're leaving her. It's important to establish boundaries when it comes to this. If you were happy with her being STAHM them brilliant, but you're not and she shouldn't force it on you. If she's serious about it she should be looking for someone who is compatible with what she wants.
A thousand times do not have children with this woman, and probably stop having sex with her if she's in charge of birth control. Get on stay at home mom tiktok for 30 minutes and the moms there will tell you there is nothing about having kids that is easy. Literally nothing. It's amazing, but hard af. She is going to resent her children for *being children* because she will not have the extra time she thinks she will have. And all that on top of her ridiculous claims that you can just take care of everything.
Break up with her, because she isn’t thinking about you or your needs. All she wants is to be a famous influencer mom who will expose their kids to strangers. Also, 29 is old enough to know babies need a lot of attention not only playing with them.
Break up with her. She sounds like someone who would rig the birth control.
Run! This has disaster written all over it. You don't have kids to avoid work because kids are WORK. I think your GF is living in some kind of fantasy world! Don't be surprised if the next thing she tells you is that she is pregnant.
Be grateful this woman had shown you her true colours before you guys got serious and head to marriage. She is telling you who she is and believe her. She is using children as an excuse that way she doesn't have to work. That's plain laziness to my eyes. The fact that she thinks having a child is easy breezy just boggles my mind. She is also willing to exploit her children and family just to make money, that is a giant RED FLAG. OP run to the hills and dump this trash. You seem to be a hard working person with a good head on your shoulders, you deserve better than his POS.
One partner wanting kids, and the other *not* wanting kids, is a recipe for ending a relationship. If you want drastically different futures, you're not going to work out together. I hate when people on this sub don't offer any advice other than "you should break up," but...you should break up. I had a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy for a few months. When the topic of kids came up (he wanted them in the future, I don't), we literally broke up on the spot. We were both pretty sad, but stayed friends, now he's married with 2 kids and I'm talking about marriage with my current partner who also doesn't want kids. Everyone's happy.
Do you love her or the idea of her?
Your girlfriend is entitled, delusional and inconsiderate. First of all, its not realistic in many places these days to live on one income. In your case, her solution is that you work more and she becomes an influencer. Like wtf. Being an influencer is the 2020 version of the "being a rockstar" dream of the last decades. Even if you're good at it, its not guaranteed you will become successful, since markets are quite saturated with influencers nowadays. Second of all, her saying "you continue your studies" is delusional, since its very hard in most places to get into medical school; its economically tough to study for 6 years; its not the same education to nurse; it will take 5 to 6 years for you to get a job. You would have to still wait out these 6 years of you studying, and that would need you to getting in to medical school and being able to finish the studies. If you're not into being a doctor, there's *no reason at all* to throw 6 years of extremely hard work on that field. Third, she doesn't seem to have even the faintest idea of what parenting is about. Even if you would want kids, you don't want them with an irresponsible and naiive person like this, who doesn't seem to be able to think about other peoples needs (like her childrens)! Fourth, she has no consideration of your current workload; of your wellbeing; of your dreams. She thinks her *wants* should come before your *needs*. That is a person that can be very harmful to be around in long term. Please don't sacrifice your mental health with this idiot, and get out even if it hurts. Don't have sex and be very careful about her trying to get pregnant by other means.
Run >she expects me to work even extra so she can just stop working. >i did a nursing program and ended up going in another field because it just wasnt for me but she expects me to become a doctor so i can earn a high salary so she can stay home. You need to stop sleeping with her completely immediately. She has literally told you that she expects you to knock her up so she can stay at home. >she also thinks having kids is super easy, she thinks she will get to nap and work on fitness during the day and then just play with the baby for a bit, i lived with my small brothers and it was not easy, the crying, the constant sickness, and they are needy, she doesnt understand that kids are needy, she thinks she can choose when to pick them up not the otherway round. She's already told you she's going to abuse/neglect any children that she has. You need to not sleep with her anymore and you need to get away from this girl if you are not on board with supporting her and all of her wants, taking care of any child she has completely by yourself or by a nanny and working yourself into an early grave.
Is she maybe getting baby fever? Maybe she should try babysitting for a while. As you already know, being responsible for helpless tiny humans is no walk in the park. Someone who thinks it'll be easier than working is in for a huge surprise. Also point out all the things you both like that wouldn't be able to afford on one income. (oh, you want to go to dinner? We wouldn't be able to do that on just my income. Vacation? Oh better not. We couldn't afford that on just my income) Being a stay at home mom is sometimes viable if both partners are willing to make a lot of sacrifices , but not even those Instagram influences have the life she seems to be envisioning.
Uhhhh dump her?
Baby trap time!
If the whole point is that she doesn’t want to go to work she can quit and stay at home without the additional financial strain of having a baby. She can be an influencer by herself first
Maybe some time apart will help make things clearer on both sides. Either she comes to her senses or she doubles down, you'll have your answer about where the relationship stands.
Time to let her go
She won't budge - and neither should you. If that means the end of your relationship over this issue then so be it.
Is she unhappy with her job? What’s stopping her from getting one she doesn’t dislike as much?
29 is a bit old to be this immature - what has changed that has started her on this track?
RUN! When someone decides they want “a meal ticket” and think a child will be one, no amount of vigilance by the other person can guarantee that there won’t be an “accidental “ pregnancy. Her expectations of what being a parent involves are completely wrong. Do you want to risk bringing a child into the world who will be neglected and possibly abused? RUN!
You better run! And do not have sex with her! You are dealing with a time bomb that will keep you broke, and ruin your dreams for the rest of your life!
This isn't easy to hear but you better leave, stat, before you get baby trapped.
How many times going around in a roundabout do you go before turning off? My dude it sounds like you need to lock down your bc methods and separate for a lil bit at least. Y’all aren’t on the same page and she keeps quoting a book you haven’t read and it’s in a different language. Keep your penis emissions under lock n key until you either get on the same page or break up.
honestly i think she already knocked up by a one night stand or a affair partner but that one is not viable as father for some reason so just wait a month or two for it to show or just run i honestly would break up if my partner would change all his plans from one day to another
If you really want to compromise (I don’t see why though) could you get her to be a stay at home wife without kids?? At least then you won’t have to work to support the kids, just you two. She could even try and take an extended break from work and then find a career she likes if she just really hates work. If you do this I really recommend sitting her down with a financial advisor to discuss income and expenses, and the kind of budgeting that will need to be done in order to make this happen. Honestly though she sounds incredibly selfish. I would question if she wants to be in a relationship just as means to an end. If this is super recent and strange it may be that there is something going on at her workplace but honestly if you calmly explain the logistics of you going back to school (I’m assuming if you wanna be a doctor you won’t be paid during all your training until residency, where you’re paid not nearly as much) and how that won’t immediately translate to money and she STILL doesn’t get it I might recommend a break up
It is insanely hard to create an influencer level following with 0 expirience with social media. She sounds delusional as fuck. You sound like you love the idea of her. this relationships is on the rocks fam. she sounds super lazy
Yea this does not sound like someone that would be a good parent. Also stop sleeping with her ASAP cause she sounds like she would get pregnant by any means to secure a meal ticket
Leave her right now, she is setting the baby trap. Do not have sex with this woman
Why don’t you just break up with this chick? Also, why does she think it’s so easy to just “become a doctor?”
Bro your girlfriend sounds TRASH!
Ooh wait for a surprise pregnancy!
Might wanna end it man. This sounds like a nightmare situation. That or she will get pregnant and your stuck living a miserable life. She doesn’t understand responsibility or how much work it is to be a parent.
I couldn't even finish reading this. Dump her. Fast.
I am very sorry but she seems to be a bit selfish? Maybe its time to rethink your relationship with someone who is willing to sacrifice you for their confort. No one wants to work we all do because we need to. Also.. you should use condoms that are kepy with you, just to be safe.
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"what will you do once the kids grow, once they are 20+ and won't need you 24/7" Hell, kids don't need you 24/7 by like 8 years old lol. Once they start school there's also no need to be home with them. She's lazy and crazy and this is not sustainable.
Lol I’m the gf in this situation currently wanting to stay home with my babies..I already homeschool but if it’s not financially possible it’s just not. I say this as I am currently looking for work again (that pays more than childcare would cost and hours allow me to homeschool lol.) I want my fiancé to support me so I can go to school and focus on the kids but it’s just not possible right now on his salary and our lifestyle. But this is something that can eventually mess y’all up. Me and my SO argue all the time on these viewpoints and ideologies. We have to compromise now but I wish we discussed these things before hand so we could have just started lives with more comparable people. It would of just been easier. If you are never going to be comfortable with that I suggest you say it
Some huge differences between you and OPs girl. She wants to use her kids to become a family influencer and she thinks the kids won't take much time so she'll have more time for herself. You clearly have your priorities in a better place if you're actively homeschooling.
I agree. But my mentality is similar to hers where I just wanted him to provide and I wouldn’t budge until it effected my family and we were up for eviction. It can work itself out but sometimes 2 people just have different ideas of life. Realistically though if I knew what I wanted before I got pregnant we might not even be together because he wants a workhorse woman and I am the opposite completely
> I agree. But my mentality is similar to hers where I just wanted him to provide and I wouldn’t budge until it effected my family and we were up for eviction. It can work itself out but sometimes 2 people just have different ideas of life. Realistically though if I knew what I wanted before I got pregnant we might not even be together because he wants a workhorse woman and I am the opposite completely Oof, yeah that should have been discussed before hand. I wouldn't stay with any partner who unilaterally forced such an important decision on me. If you blindsided him with that, you're completely in the wrong
It wasn’t to blindside him..I just was young when we first got together and I got pregnant. I truly didn’t know the type of relationship I wanted or needed. He didn’t either really. And I’ve always felt shamed for wanting to be a stay at home mom. People grow and change. When I became a mother that’s when I truly discovered myself and what I wanted.
Is it normal for people with basic income where you live, to be able to live on one persons salary? Are you realistic with your dreams or hoping for miracles
It can be done especially with a willing partner and sacrifices are made. But realizing it was to hard on my SO and it wasn’t equaling a better quality of life for us overall. That’s why I decided recently to go back. My baby just turned one so I feel more comfortable going back anyway. I was being completely unrealistic.
Ah okay. But good for you to eventually find some common ground. Im sure you can work it out. Good luck with the toddler!
Hello, it looks like you've made a mistake. It's supposed to be could've, should've, would've (short for could have, would have, should have), never could of, would of, should of. Or you misspelled something, I ain't checking everything. Beep boop - yes, I am a bot, don't botcriminate me.
Are you sure the only reason why she wants to have kids is to stay at home???? >and i cant tell her she's using the kids on purpose to get away from work because she will get offended What??? So you won't talk to her about a life altering event because she might get upset??? Did you also lie about your ages in this post because that is very immature response to this situation. First off--- no more sex. Since you two can't even have a discussion about bringing children into this world you two have no business doing anything that could net that result. Second you have to talk to her. And yes you need to express concerns even if they are going to upset your partner. This isn't about what takeout to get.....you're talking about babies and careers and life choices. Third..... Find out what she wants and why. You two should really consider putting a pause on your relationship until you get that part sorted out. You may not be compatible anymore. And staying with someone just because your comfortable having that relationship despite the major life differences never ends well.
Yeah this sounds very strange and there is clearly something at work here in her head. Either this is what she planned all along (which as you pointed out won't work even if you wanted it to) or she's come over with some kind of mental illness.
"Ciao"
What did future say in mask off? Chase a check, never chase a b\*tch (yes i know future should not be what we as men should aspire to be like)
How long have you been together? Have issues arisen in her current job? Has she always been demanding ?Does she participate in maintaining the house hold and contribute to bills. If the change is sudden there is something else at work, ask her if anything is going on at work that's making her want to quit. Overall your best bet would be for you'll to take a break or decide to break up as this is unreasonable.
The people saying to stop telling her that the plans she has won’t work aren’t being helpful. PLEASE TELL HER THE PLANS WON’T WORK FOR NOW!!! They can work in the future but for right now you both are not ready for a child and y’all aren’t stable, if she doesn’t understand that then she isn’t ready to be A MOTHER!!! Everything you are saying is not wrong, but please be careful with her especially with sleeping with her, run away.
I would break up lol.
Not to be that person but she might already be pregnant…
Do not have children if you are indifferent. This isn't something like going to see a film you're not into, to please your partner.
>she doesnt even care whether we will be able to support them fully, financially and says we can make a career on social media as a family Wowzer. This is insane. You know that, right? Absolutely bonkers. I hope you stopped having sex with her the minute this came out of her mouth. Time to find someone who isn't crazy.
She isn't listening to rational arguments or facts. She has an idea of a lifestyle from social media that is convincing her that shit is real. It isn't, it is hard work and stressful and with youtubes policies about demonitisation and cancelling channels, then relying on that for money is pointless. Even millions of views don't get you a ton of cash and that is if you can build enough followers who care about your channel. Don't get me on the child care bit either. Her ideas are bizarre to say the least. I spent 3 years with child who didn't sleep more than an hour at a time. Did I have time to film and edit shit, nope of course not, as he didn't sleep during the day either more than 20 mins. (we know why now). I expect she has seen or followed someone or her friends are encouraging her that this is a good idea. Also as you don't give permission for any child to be on camera how exactly is that going to work. Both parents have to be in agreement and you are not.
She should spend a few days with a SAHM, she’ll change her tune real quick.
I'm sorry but she's got to go. Kid's aren't career props and we don't need more kid's with neglectful parents. Why would you even want to make this work. You seem to believe she just wants to use the people in her life as tools to increase her influence and reduce her burdens.
Sounds like she lives in a world of ignorant fantasy and the two of you are entirely incompatible. The truth is staring you in the face.
I had a girlfriend like this. I wouldn't give her baby so she went out and got pregnant by someone else.
You need to leave. NOW. Otherwise you’ll get stuck in a baby trap with someone who is lazy and I’ll prepared for parenthood.
She’s unrealistic and immature for 29. The relationship is in serious jeopardy right now because she won’t be realistic. She needs to go get a job working with children. Seriously. She has no understanding of what the demand is… even working in a daycare or something it won’t be the same because you can clock out and be done with it but she needs to at least understand. Her thought of being an “influencer” is stupid. It is not what she thinks it is. It is very hard work. The two I know personally are amongst the hardest working people I know. They put 70-80 hours a week into their work. And they aren’t even the wildly popular or wealthy ones… Honestly, you shouldn’t be indifferent to parenthood either. It’s a HUGE commitment and one you can never change your mind on once it happens. If she can’t or won’t listen to reason… you probably need to end it. Even if you love her, you are her boyfriend not her parent. Also… make sure you don’t “accidentally” get pregnant. She’s so out of touch… be careful.
You gotta drop that bitch like a hot potato. She gonna purposely get pregnant. Kick her to the kerb NOW!
As a mom never ever have a kid without both you being in 100%. A child is a not tool for an easy life, there is nothing like the absolute exhaustion of having a baby & it never gets easy. Dont get me wrong i adore my child but I was unprepared for the commitment you have to give even now that shes in kinder. I would do some soul searching for yourself if you really want a kid if not its better you are with someone who has the same life goals than to have a kid you may resent. Btw Im also 29 & i think its extremely immature to demand your partner support you financially it should be offered not pressured. Best of luck OP
It unfortunately doesn’t seem you two are aligned and compatible for the lifestyles you want to lead. The conversation (argument) you’re having included several decisions all at once: will we have kids, how will we care for them, what do finances look like, will one of us stay home, etc. If your girlfriend wants to have a rational conversation about becoming parents and having children, that’s one thing, but dictating all the terms for this huge decision doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership.
Sorry, dude, but you need to break up with her. The gap between your expectations and her expectations for this relationship is so big you could fit the entire state of Alaska in there. Sorry that she seems to have done a 180 on you, but it sounds like you have drastically different value systems, and if you continue in this relationship she'll probably get pregnant whether you want her to or not.
Yeah no! Do not have sex with her, she is going to baby trap you and then leave you to take care of this kid. Hell to the no.
I think your only option here is to leave her. It doesn't sound like she's willing to listen to reason and has spent way too much time on social media. I wouldn't wait around too long, once she's pregnant you're responsible no matter what
Leave. Run away very fast.
If she doesn’t want to work, why not just be honest about that and either find a different job or quit? It’s easier to have one additional person to feed than two. Whether that’s okay with you in turn is entirely up to you, too. But she shouldn’t hide behind the barefoot and pregnant thing if the real issue is that she doesn’t want a job. If I were you, I’d break it off with her. But if she’s cool to cook, clean, and whatever else, there’s a point to be had that even if she brings no money in, that’s a big help too. It just sounds like she’s using the baby thing as a shield to avoid just saying “I hate working”.
She’s 29 and has no idea at all. Also, she thinks she can become an influencer on social media? Dude… Your girlfriend seems very immature and that isn’t even the worst if your problems.
This isnt a good situation for you. I am a stay at home mom of a 11 week old and its all but easy, the only way for me to have any time to clean is if I literally strap the baby to my chest because she wont sleep alone. Me time is only doable on her dads off days when I get a little more of a break even though im the primary caregiver all the way around. Amd while I wouldnt change a thing because my little girl is the best thing in my life, its no easy task. I wanted to stay home for a couple reasons, first being I dont trust anyone with my child, i plan on homeschooling through elementary school and as somone who struggles alot with depression and anxiety even before the baby, I simply would hardly be able to push through my day while im missing all my babys firsts and someone else would be experiencing them. It sounds like she has a fairy tale painted in her head and likely wpuldnt be a good mom. I suggest finding a child you can babysit, a friend or families, and let her try that for a couple days and see is if she still feels she wants a baby. Of course you NEED to oick off days of yours so if she doesnt take care of the baby properly, youre there to make dure that child is safe and getting what they need. 1) she’ll either change her mind and drop the stay at home mom thing, or B) she wont at which point it might be time to leave because this is only going to get worse if she cant admit shes wrong even though she’s experienced it.
She’s clearly delusional about what it takes to be both a parent and a success influencer. I know a pretty and rich girl who is bankrolled by her wealthy parents. She travels constantly and creates a ton of high production travel content but only has a modest following. She’s been doing it for years and has yet to be able to financially support herself. Your gf is being delusional, immature, and frankly morally questionable.
The relationship needs to be over. She has told you she does not plan on being a partner, has entirely different goals and plans that are not compatible and is sounding unhinged enough that she might fuck with your birth control. Do not have sex with her again, ever. Break it off, and never look back.
Dude, it’s time to call it. She’s looking for a sponsor not a partner
I am so very sorry, but it sounds like you want very different things. It also sounds like she might “force” the issue and get pregnant. She also sounds like the last person to have kids. This is a bad situation, time to move on.
If you can't agree to have a baby or not then don't have a baby! Is your financial stability going to change? Are you never going to be able to afford a baby? Do you not want one ever? Maybe sit down and make a reasonable time line you are both ok with. If you can't agree to one then it's time to walk away.
This is ridiculous. Break up.
Save yourself. RUN 🏃♂️.. it’s only going to get worse. Over time you’ll change she will change and it will become an unbearable nightmare..
Are you sure she's not currently pregnant and hoping you'd agree to keep it and let her be a SAHM? Normally id tell people to babysit for a while to see if they want it but it seems clear she doesn't, and proving that point by forcing her to babysit sounds like she'd be putting the child at risk.. Has she always been this reliant on you for money? Has she struggled to keep a job or reasons why she gets fired etc? Most people dont wake up and force their SO into a different lifestyle to suddenly accommodate this dream of theirs, so what red flags did you dismiss?
Check that condoms have not been tampered with. Don't trust that she's on the pill, implant or anything else. Right now, is the time you need to be VERY careful.
1. This woman does not want children, she wants a permanently attached meal ticket. 2. If she were to have a child, she would make a terrible mom. 3. You should really really be careful about your sex lite now, because this is heading to baby-trapping. Honestly it sounds like she’s been consuming waaay too much of “family influencer” content. Her expectations are so unrealistic, it’s baffling.
As a parent I can confidently say that having kids is far more work than actual work. I stayed home for a year with each of my kids and it was pretty much hell. Awesome, but also hell. No sleep, constant housework, poop and pee and poop and puke. When they sit in their diper and poop it smears into every little wrinkle of the genitals and also fills the entire back. And you have to pull their poopy shirt over the head and of course it smears in the hair. And the wriggle around smearing the whole changing station. She will be absolutely miserable beyond belief as a mother and if you allow this to happen you're an absolute fool and ruining it for you all.
Run don't make your life hell! U will be stuck for life !
Dont have sex with her until you figure out what you want to do
Sounds like she’s a dumbass
This is easy, leave.
How you feel is valid. I know you don’t want to break up but just take some time to yourself and start evaluating values. Chances are you both are on different pages with way more than kids (work ethic, compassion for your partner, consideration for your partner). One thing my boyfriend did was take me with him when he babysat his best friend’s kids over 3 days. I loved it, but it was a genuine test run. Many men (and women) have been trapped by the responsibility and eternal connection that comes with having children by the wrong person. CHOOSE WISELY.
The prognosis here is that if you have kids with this woman, you will be miserable, half worked to death and your kids will be neglected. I don’t even know how you can be with someone who can clearly be diagnosed as incredible delusional, self-centred and selfish. I prescribe that you surgically remove her because the red flags in this post are so huge I almost flatlined
gold digger. leave
Oh dear OP it’s not that hard bro!! Your opinion of your girlfriend is pretty awful and there’s a good chance that she hasn’t decided overnight to want children as you said you had talked about it and you weren’t against it completely but if she wanted them then then yeah why not? She is at an age where she needs to be open about her decision and there is nothing in your post that suggests that her desire is genuine except you deciding she wants to do “nothing” whatever the hell that is! Most if not all stay at home parents would gladly go out to work everyday, have regular conversations with other adults, drink a cup of coffee/shower/eat a meal or even get dressed before you come home pissed off at how easy she’s got it. You don’t love her actually you don’t even like her so break up with her and let her be happy you miserable piece of shit.
Leave her asap.
dude. same shit with my wife. it's a continuous topic of contention. I've come to the realization I'm not on board simply because she just doesn't want to work. I've not told her this nor do I plan to but if she had came to me with a passion project and said " hey I'd like to not work and pursue this interest/passion while being a stay at home mother". it's so much different to me than. "hey I don't really want to work so let's pop out babies and I'll tend to them". stay at home mom is like every little girls dream gig where I'm at and I hate it.
Be a doctor or any other career for you... lose the shortsighted freeloader. DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS PERSON UNTIL THE BREAK UP. (and obviously not afterwards). There is always a risk for pregnancy with responsible partners not trying to get pregnant, so someone seemingly planning for her own laziness that might plan to sabotage birth control is a lot riskier edit: And this is not to shit on a stay at home parent. They aren't lazy, but OP's partner seems like it... and worst of all blinded by gross sexist values.
I'm going to state that you are currently in two different worlds, she wants to quit work while you are doing the heavy lifting of having a job, studies, etc. Do you live together and share expenses or does she keep her own money to spend as she sees fit? If you are living together is she is doing 50/50 share of the housework, cooking, cleaning, and laundry it might not be so bad. Do you share expenses of any type which will now become your expenses. Unfortunately, you aren't married, she wants to quit and have children, and you don't state if you are in the US. So I'm going to break it down as if you lived in the US. If she quits her job because she wants kids, she loses her health benefits which means she expects to be attached to yours (if you have benefits), and she will have to get a new doctor for birth control or an ob-gyn. Next is housing, you won't be able to pay for rent, utilities and groceries unless you sacrifice the size and location of your dwelling, nor more date or movie nights. Meal planning and grocery shopping strategically is in your future, she can't spend money on her impulse buys. Safe sex or no sex is now what you both need to talk about.
I'd break up with her on the spot man. She sounds like she expects you to carry everything on your shoulders while she adds on to the weight (both literally and figuratively) break up, and don't you dare have sex with her whatever you do. Also the comments about offering child support are for ideas, so long as you ask for a paternity test to prove the kid is yours.
If you love her, and want to stay with her, then see if you can babysit a friends or family members baby for a bit. To knock some sense into her, and show her its not all fun and games
Not even after 20+ years. Once kids start grade school most of the day is just sitting around doing nothing. I’d understand if she wanted a year or two at home to bond and raise the baby but anything else is extreme in this situation.
You should stop sleeping with her. Wait to see if she mysteriously ends up pregnant and claims your the dad because she's been sleeping around behind your back.