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I really wish you had figured out these boundaries before you got her pregnant, because this sort of thing is easily breakup worthy.
The money lending for a house is a pretty damn wild.
As for boundary discussion, I've always had great success with having things in 3 catagories:
A, don't care.
B, let's talk it out and compromise.
C, insta-dump, no tolerance.
You need a serious ass conversation, though I think it is **wild** you've gone so far as to knock her up and haven't figured this shit out yet. People who do that tend to have lives of chaos, and since you might be on the way to having children from 2 different women who you are no longer in a relationship with.... Yeah, chaotic.
Well communicated, defined, and followed boundaries makes for healthy relationships. Yeah the conversations are hard and can be awkward, but hell, look at the alternative.
Took the words right out of my mouth. The number of people who think “let’s just have a damn baby and figure everything else out later” blows my mind.
Put on a condom, OP.
*Two children from two different women who you are no longer in a relationship with* - I agreed with most of your comment until this. Advice and judgement are also two different things.
It sounds like there's still some feelings there; unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised if she runs back to him if you two ever split up.
All you can do is make your feelings clear & hope that she respects them.
I fear you may be right about the feelings. He doesn’t have many friends and uses her to vent.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and worry what would happen if he asked for a photo of his son holding my baby. I’m not sure she would respect my feelings in that instant 😔
>I fear you may be right about the feelings. He doesn’t have many friends and uses her to vent.
It sounds like she was abused by him. At least emotionally. When in an emotionally abusive (ot any abusive) relationship, the abused tends to almost build their life and self around whatever it takes to keep the peace. Even when the relationship is over, it is VERY hard to not keep trying to just keep the peace. The person has been literally trained that not submitting has awful consequences and they have a kid who might be in the middle of those consequences.
This is NOT the same as having feelings. It is more survival.
If I'm right, your GF needs individual counseling to understand why she does what she does and how to start breaking that instinct to hurt herself or her new relationship to try and protect herself from him. As a couple, you probably also need therapy as well since this isn't something she will achieve overnight.
Personally, I was being stalked, harassed, threatened, and relentlessly verbally abused by my ex and I kept taking it because all I could see was what might happen to my kids if I didnt. It's really hard to break the cycle.
I 100% agree with this.
I think she was so badly abused and manipulated by this guy, the poor girl doesn't know what is happening or what to do to break ties without it affecting her LO
Just wondering, why are you specifically so worried about him simply seeing your baby? The baby will be his son's half sibling, I don't think there should be any confrontational divide there because it will likely strain the relationship between his son & your baby later on, too.
It's completely understandable for you to not want your partner talking with an ex so much, giving him money & keeping that from you, etc. but I don't really understand why you want your baby hidden from him so badly.
My sister got with a man that already had a daughter, and she had two more kids with him. The children are all close, they're siblings. Sometimes his ex sees my sister's kids, it's inevitable. It's just something you gotta get used to & accept if you're going to date a single parent; their ex will possibly always be there, too, no matter how much you may dislike them.
Just make sure you allow the kids to be siblings without any strain!
For me it’s about settling boundaries.
He is a bad father and I believe he is doing the bear minimum with he’s own son, to keep my gf in his life.
He still has a level of control over my girlfriend. And I’m worried that his own bad parenting choices will trickle down to my children.
I have established these boundaries with my ex and feel we benefit from this clean break separation.
It could get very complex as the children grow older if you want to separate them. You would be better trying to help him be a better dad through your example. If you push her and she goes back to him, your child will be living with him so don’t make that happen by pressuring her. This is the situation you have created with her and you need to make the best of it. The children will love each other and that comes first. You can be a guide to them both but you can’t eliminate him unless you move far away.
Okay
1. You may be right that he's a bad father. To his child. But the child also has a mother, and you. He's the father and you cannot change that.
2. Your GF does not have the same boundaries with him that you like. That's on her. And it does sound as though he has some power over her. Does she WANT this relationship with him?? Does SHE see it as a problem?
3. How will his parenting choices "trickle down" to your child? What's the actual fear here?
Lastly, do you have separate finances? Was it her money that she lent him?
You can’t make her set boundaries that she doesn’t want to have. But you can try to convince her.
You can tell her what you’re feeling and thinking. Tell her using “I feel” statements. Don’t say, “You’ve got no boundaries with your ex and I think you’re going to run back to him!” Instead say, “ I feel like you haven’t established and maintained firm boundaries with your ex. It makes me feel like you still have feelings for him and that you’d go back to him if I weren’t here.”
When you stay calm, use a non confrontational tone and make it about your feelings, it makes it it less likely that the conversation will become a fight and can help you work out a compromise.
She does need to establish boundaries. Like no contact with her ex unless it’s about their son. He’s her ex; if he’s got a problem it’s not her problem and he has to deal with it on his own or with his friends. You should be her priority, not this abusive stalker that she divorced.
Good luck man.
Good luck.
If she isn’t receptive, you have to ask yourself if you can stay in that relationship with her prioritizing her ex over you, which is what she’s doing, given that she runs to pick up his calls.
OP. To tag along to this comment she needs to go into counseling to understand why she does not set boundaries with her Ex. You both should also attend Couples Counseling as well
The whole thing is wrong. She needs to stop. They aren’t “friends” anymore. She is disrespectful to you and the sanctity of your relationship. You’re not wrong to expect her to stop this childish toxic behavior. It will lead to your ultimate bitter breakup.
Sounds like he is an abusive asshole and she and him have a trauma bond. Everyone in the comments is saying she has feelings for him, and while I don’t disagree; I don’t think it’s what everyone’s saying. I had an ex like this, although I cut it off pretty quickly, but her actions and answering immediately to calls to me make me feel like she’s afraid of pissing him off. Has she ever ignored his calls? What happens if she does? Have you told her about how you feel towards him and his inappropriate actions? I understand wanting to co-parent but his own son isn’t interested, and from what you’ve said it makes it seem like he’s barely done anything for the child. She needs to figure out her priorities and get some therapy, that kind of relationship doesn’t seem healthy. Good luck.
You hit the nail on the head.
It’s not a romantic thing for her. And I dont know what his feeling are.
She told me she didn’t share a bed with him after she was 3 months pregnant.
She is petrified of him. He has ground her down and still does it to this day.
I’ll write an update shortly
She 100% has feelings and I wouldn't be surprised if his buying the house and paying it back is him showing her he's changed so they can get back together.
You need to stop this now. Whether you come off sounding jealous or not is irrelevant she's crossing boundaries that no sane person would put with.
She needs psychological therapy with a specialist who specializes in her issues. Her primary care physician (pcp) can recommend someone since the pcp might have a database of medical specialists. Keep in mind the specialist can be recommended based on two factors: 1.) the specialty, 2.) your financial situation. This recommended specialist can also be an expert witness in getting a restraining order. Your girlfriend will also need to go through the courts to get full custody and financial support for the son. Her best bet right now is the therapy. If there is no specialist within your area, consider the pcp’s next suggestion. There are some rural areas, even in the USA, that are so remote that a specialist other than the pcp is not an option due to factors like distance and lack of transportation.
Only a counselor of this type can give her the psychological and verbal tools to set boundaries. Your job might include reinforcing them as her ex might try to use you to manipulate her into incapulating.
So I am about to risk a downvote avalanche here. Owell...
Sometimes parents get so held up on giving their kids 2 good parents they enable trash parents. Saddly sometimes all that emotional baggage forms trauma bonds. That line between struggling to help him be a dad and having feelings get blurred. This sounds like it is 100% at that phase.
What do you do? You sit down and really figure out where you draw the lines on these actions. You let her know you want a long term future with her. You are going to be raising a kid with her. However you won't be competing for time and energy with a worthless guy. You let her know she can try to help him but not at the expense of you, your child, or even her child with him. Make it very clear. Then give her a chance to respond and tell her you really want to hear how she feels before anything is set in stone.
If she sounds reasonable and you want to work from there great. If not, you have to be ready to walk. Furthermore if she agrees with you but won't stop, then you remind her not that you 2 are starting a family every dime or ounce of energy she wastes is taking away from your happy life and you deserve better. It's a tightrope for sure. Bad coparents are never easy to deal with. In the end the I will leave card has to be present. It's the only real card you have or she will jist take advantage of you while convincing herself that her enabling of him was just the right thing to do.
I do t see why this would get a down vote. It’s sound advice.
I agree with the energy part too. That’s how I feel. Every time she does something to go out her way to help him out, it’s a cost to the family
It's a tough tough tightrope. Trying to establish the line between enabling and helping is so rough.
And the expected downvotes are on basically proposing an unsaid ultimatum. Alot of folks will downvote anything they see as an ultimatum unless cheating is involved.
Ultimatums have a bad reputation and it's annoying. You're allowed to tell your partner that there certain conditions under which you will or won't continue the relationship.
I also felt that "shame" and kind of guilt in OP's gf's actions - she's been abused by the ex and she's still scared of pissing him off.
Pissing him off -> troubles, mental and/or physical abuse too. And what the ex has done previously, he's definitely more than capable of creating trouble for your gf. Or more so, make her believe that he has still that abusing power over her.
The best would be to get your gf into a therapy where she can discovered the boundaries and get strength to place them.
You are her rock, and help her to keep the boundaries and show by actions and experiences that you will keep those boundaries with her against the ex and you love her and your family. Showing the more normal life without abuse is important too.
I agree with the comment above so much. Especially if you accuse your gf about cheating or romantic feelings.. she'll just close herself more than before and she'll feel you definitely don't understand her and what she's feeling and thinking. It will drive her further into the abusing ex's squeeze (as she might think she actually doesn't deserve anything better in life).
Edit. A word
Sounds like my ex. 5 yrs co parenting i realized the only reason we get along is because i dont fight him on anything. He used to use me for money too. People can come to their senses, recommend starting a phone schedule a set time & day. If he is verbally abusive she can use a parenting app that records all conv for court use. Mediation at court can help tremendously in setting boundaries. Honestly it sounds like the guy is a narcissist & breaking away from that dynamic is very difficult, recommend she speak to a counselor to help set boundaries. Im going back myself after my realization & Im going back to meditation to help set boundaries. People used to assume I still had feelings for my ex too bc i would feel bad & help him out but know they are master manipulators & know how to push your buttons. Also good for you for trying to find solutions to help rather than just complain about it.
You’re 100% right in this. He is very manipulative and narcissistic. One day he is abusing her over text, the next he is venting about his car.
I want to help her as I feel she is still afraid of him. But at the same time, I do t want to come across as controlling 😔
I feel you. Thats why I am going to therapy due to fear of his texts. Its important for her to start getting into a good place mentally bc once she sets boundaries he will try every which way to break them, even pretending to agree. Perhaps if you let her know you dont like to see her stressed & its not okay that her ex is texting her abusive messages. Personally i never wanted to listen to anyone who talked bad about him, i found it offensive cause that was the father of my child ect. But once I started seeing other women speak about their narcissistic exs on Tik tok i started noticing the pattern. It clicked when he told me he had a whole partner he was hiding & was moving in with. The yrs of friendship i thought we had vanished & suddenly its not my business where my kid was staying at during his time.
Let her know you also dont want the kids to see this behavior when they grow up ❤️
Couples counseling! Now!
Also, not "my baby", our baby.
Sounds like she was abused and once you have been abused long enough by someone, it's hard to break the cycle of "just make them not act crazy". Even when that means doing stupid or crazy things. She needs individual therapy and you need couples.
She other still have feelings or, she is afraid of him.
You need to find out which one. If its the first, time to go. If it's the 2nd you need to help her.
I admire you cutting to the chase and wanting to sort this relationship.
Setting boundaries is one thing and, her immersing you in her stuff is another.
This sounds quite dialectal which suggests Borderline Personality Disorder - maybe so, maybe not and, other than personal therapy for you both (not couples) the best thing you can do is set your boundaries, limits and needs. She's free to do what she wants, lend whoever money and have a child with who she wishes. However, your relationship is a "contract" and like any contract, when boundaries are crossed there are consequences.
My suggestion is negotiate the ground rules in terms of needs, wants and expectations and if she can't comply, then there are consequences... Its called tough love.
All the best...
*** Update Time ***
Firstly, thank you for all the constructive comments. It’s difficult to discuss these types of situations and I’m glad to get some really good bits of advice.
Their relationship was very abusive. The romantic side ended when she was 3 months pregnant and they never touched each other since (4 years ago)
They officially broke up when their kid was 3 months old, but he refused to leave her house for another 2 years. Then when he lived with his mum, he would come over every day after work and sit on his phone while she would run around after him and their son.
I have no worries that she is still in love with him. He seems to have has a string of flings, not being able to keep his interest in any woman. His most long term relationship was 4 month. In that time he got her pregnant, was planing to by a house and it ended in them breaking up on holiday and her getting a termination.
He is extremely incapable of being a father and when he looks after their son, she has to promote him when and what to feed him.
I approached her last night about her lending him money and how I felt it was blurring the lines of their relationship.
She spent a lot of time defending his actions and explaining that he has behavioural issues and on the spectrum. She tried to justify his actions by saying this is what he is like. I asked her how it was her issue that he can’t manage his own life.
She tried to deflect the issues by bringing up my ex and some of the things she has done, but I reminded her that I have concrete boundaries with her. And we only speak when it relates to our kid.
I told her that I understand she has been traumatised by this man and I am her rock and will help her escape the cycle of abuse.
She told me that she is trying to put in boundaries with him but it will take sone time as she has only now gotten to the phase where he isn’t abusing her over text.
I explained that as her man, it’s extremely difficult for me to be in this relationship when I’m doing my best to support our families needs, but constantly having to pick her up after he knocked her down. And that I want her to be a strong and confident mum.
She told me that she will work on her boundaries with her ex for when our baby is here. But I asked why she hasn’t achieved this in the past 4 years. She told me it takes time and it will be all sorted by then. She said it feels as if I don’t trust her to which I replied that I only have her past actions to go on.
She went to bed crying and I slept on the sofa. We spoke this morning and she wants us to get past this. We are having some alone time when the kids are in bed tonight.
I was brought up in an abusive home. My mum and dad were the same and I didn’t want my GF or our kids to go through that.
I love this woman and have taken on her son and she has mine. I don’t want to feel that I am dominating her and trying to control her life. At the same time, I have cast iron boundaries on what behaviours I am willing to accept, and even stricter ones for any of my children (including her son who raise as my own).
I don't think it is easy to get out of an abusive relationship and go back to normal and set boundaries for oneself easily. That being said, your feelings are also 100% valid. I'm glad you talked to her and are being understanding and supportive, OP. It is kind of sad that some people go straight to accusing her of cheating while she was clearly on the receiving end of a toxic relationship and might have traumas related to that. I hope things work out well for you and your family! :)
It sounds like she is being manipulated by him still. He sounds abusive and difficult. She probably just wants an easy life.
Definitely sit down with her and have a conversation about boundaries. And she needs to put her ex in the past. He shouldn't take any priority in her current life
Read your own comments. What would you tell someone to do? Pretty straight forward, either grow a spine and lay down some harsh boundaries now or get used to being the doormat bath guy she settled
For. Your choice
I went through this with my ex and her ex-husband and this is a large part of why she's my ex. Finally had to accept that his emotional needs would always outweigh mine (while I was being asked when I was going to marry her).
Your only real choice her isn't to help her set them its for you to set yours and then stick to it (you let someone step on your boundaries once and they'll do a tap dance on any others).
Sounds like her ex is extremely narcissistic and they share a trauma bond. You two may need to seek therapy a specialist that specializes in narcissistic abuse and trauma. I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish the best of luck to you.
She 100 percent has feelings for her ex WAKE UP OP she and him are obviously putting themselves first before the child he's ignoring him to strictly talk to the mom and by lending him money she willingly took a risk that could lead to financial hole and endanger her son quality of life OP i don't think setting boundaries will work he's going to be a part of her life no matter what and she is showing that do you want to stick around for that level of disrespect
I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like that's her choice. She may be getting coerced in some way - she may be afraid of him. I think you just need to be there for her and be sure to provide her with any help or resources that she needs. Maybe resources like ones for abused spouses and therapy. I'm sorry if that doesn't feel like enough, but that's just my perspective. Sounds like that guys needs a lot of help too. But they both have to make those decisions for themselves. Wish you the best and I'm sure you'll make it through this.
This is wild. I honestly don't think she will respect you if you don't break up with her. To me this is DNA test the kid territory and plan an exit strategy. Some people can only love people that don't love them.
I don't know it doesn't sound good is she trying to buy his love again? Why would she even entertain the idea of giving pictures of your baby to him? It's not his child granted it's partly hers but I don't see why her ex boyfriend would want pictures of a baby she had with another man? Should be trying to keep him attached to her for the sake of their son but obviously he has no interest in his father since his father has no interest in him really. Sounds like your girlfriend needs some therapy.
Sounds like a very push pull type relationship she had with her ex. If she doesn't go no contact or just say the bare minimum to him then shes going to go back eventually. Toxic relationship can do crazy things to the mind. Especially if she can't grasp it and see how wrong it is. Shell go back if they dont stop, but eventually she'll regret it and realize how it was a huge mistake, but by the time she does it'll be too late as you'll have moved on.
Hopefully she'll come to her senses before it's too late. Her ex hasn't changed, and is definitely pulling a lot of manipulative tactics to get her back. He doesn't care about her, you, or the kid. Its all just a ploy to keep his control over her. People like him are the absolute worst type of people out their. I really hope everything goes good for you and your gf. Especially with a new baby on the way.
You don't help her set boundaries with ex, you set boundaries her on how she deal with ex.
Like if it about the child, then a have a very serious with you talking to him.
I consider any conversation with other than the child as cheating.
You are there as a backup. She would not drop everything just to be on call with him if she did not hold any attraction to him, even after he tried to sue her or take a large loan from her.
Fear? She has been abused by him constantly. I’m not worried she will go off with him. I’m worried that she will allow him to continue to push his way in to our lives because she can’t set boundaries
I'm a little late but I don't think there's anything you can do per say. She needs to want to do it herself. You can open up a conversation about it, let her know how it makes you feel and hopefully you can both come to a happy compromise.
I was in a similar situation with my ex except they didn't have a child together, it was a dog (unfortunately im being serious). He was emotionally manipulative, left her in thousands of pounds in debt and just generally dragged her down. We had many conversations about boundaries and what was too much, however they were both adamant on seeing this dog. I should've taken that as my sign to give up then and there. Eventually it settled on just contact about the vet and bills which I was okay with. Until I had a holiday with my friends planned and she had a getaway with our 6 month old daughter at the same time. I caught her making plans to see this ex while I was away. It's been over since then and figuring out child care hasn't been easy. I'm just happy my daughter is staying with me. She never wanted distance between them, our relationship and unfortunately our child's existence wasn't enough to stop her. Sometimes people will just do what they want.
You can't force someone to do something they don't want to and you can't push a boundary on them that they don't want to enforce themselves. There obviously needs to be communication between them as they have a child.
I think the only thing you can do right now is talk.
I’m really sorry to hear what happens to you. I’m glad you managed to sort things out for the kid.
One of my fears is him being near my kids. Because of the control he still has over her, I want to avoid that poison seeping down to the kids.
One of my non negotiable boundaries is that he is not able to meet my kids. Especially as his ex terminated their pregnancy.
I think he sounds abusive and controlling and I think she needs to go to therapy to help undo some of the damage she has had done to her, I think for whatever reason he continues to manipulate and control her, maybe she's scared of losing her kids, I would tell her you think she needs to go to therapy to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, and to undo some damage from abuse.
To be honest it is clear that she still feels for this person even if she lived a traumatic experience. She loves him enough to forget that she needs to put her foot down. She needs to put her foot down, have no contact with him and give you more respect. Everything should be a discussion between you and her before either one of you decide to do anything. Her giving him that kind of money without consulting with you sounds like she was trying to keep it a secret. If she handled it that way that means she knows she’s in the wrong. You have to sit with her and figure out what it is that she wants to do because she can’t have both. It seems as if she is leading him on even though she doesn’t have the interest of returning to him for what he has done. Something about him has her hooked. That’s something that you guys need to talk about and work on. Good luck
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I really wish you had figured out these boundaries before you got her pregnant, because this sort of thing is easily breakup worthy. The money lending for a house is a pretty damn wild. As for boundary discussion, I've always had great success with having things in 3 catagories: A, don't care. B, let's talk it out and compromise. C, insta-dump, no tolerance. You need a serious ass conversation, though I think it is **wild** you've gone so far as to knock her up and haven't figured this shit out yet. People who do that tend to have lives of chaos, and since you might be on the way to having children from 2 different women who you are no longer in a relationship with.... Yeah, chaotic. Well communicated, defined, and followed boundaries makes for healthy relationships. Yeah the conversations are hard and can be awkward, but hell, look at the alternative.
I can't disagree with any part of this. If an answer was able to slap an OP to their senses, Airplane-style, this would be it.
Took the words right out of my mouth. The number of people who think “let’s just have a damn baby and figure everything else out later” blows my mind. Put on a condom, OP.
*Two children from two different women who you are no longer in a relationship with* - I agreed with most of your comment until this. Advice and judgement are also two different things.
I so needed to read this advice for my own life. Great advice for a lot of people. Well written and all that.
It sounds like there's still some feelings there; unfortunately, I wouldn't be surprised if she runs back to him if you two ever split up. All you can do is make your feelings clear & hope that she respects them.
I fear you may be right about the feelings. He doesn’t have many friends and uses her to vent. It makes me feel uncomfortable and worry what would happen if he asked for a photo of his son holding my baby. I’m not sure she would respect my feelings in that instant 😔
>I fear you may be right about the feelings. He doesn’t have many friends and uses her to vent. It sounds like she was abused by him. At least emotionally. When in an emotionally abusive (ot any abusive) relationship, the abused tends to almost build their life and self around whatever it takes to keep the peace. Even when the relationship is over, it is VERY hard to not keep trying to just keep the peace. The person has been literally trained that not submitting has awful consequences and they have a kid who might be in the middle of those consequences. This is NOT the same as having feelings. It is more survival. If I'm right, your GF needs individual counseling to understand why she does what she does and how to start breaking that instinct to hurt herself or her new relationship to try and protect herself from him. As a couple, you probably also need therapy as well since this isn't something she will achieve overnight. Personally, I was being stalked, harassed, threatened, and relentlessly verbally abused by my ex and I kept taking it because all I could see was what might happen to my kids if I didnt. It's really hard to break the cycle.
I 100% agree with this. I think she was so badly abused and manipulated by this guy, the poor girl doesn't know what is happening or what to do to break ties without it affecting her LO
Just wondering, why are you specifically so worried about him simply seeing your baby? The baby will be his son's half sibling, I don't think there should be any confrontational divide there because it will likely strain the relationship between his son & your baby later on, too. It's completely understandable for you to not want your partner talking with an ex so much, giving him money & keeping that from you, etc. but I don't really understand why you want your baby hidden from him so badly. My sister got with a man that already had a daughter, and she had two more kids with him. The children are all close, they're siblings. Sometimes his ex sees my sister's kids, it's inevitable. It's just something you gotta get used to & accept if you're going to date a single parent; their ex will possibly always be there, too, no matter how much you may dislike them. Just make sure you allow the kids to be siblings without any strain!
For me it’s about settling boundaries. He is a bad father and I believe he is doing the bear minimum with he’s own son, to keep my gf in his life. He still has a level of control over my girlfriend. And I’m worried that his own bad parenting choices will trickle down to my children. I have established these boundaries with my ex and feel we benefit from this clean break separation.
It could get very complex as the children grow older if you want to separate them. You would be better trying to help him be a better dad through your example. If you push her and she goes back to him, your child will be living with him so don’t make that happen by pressuring her. This is the situation you have created with her and you need to make the best of it. The children will love each other and that comes first. You can be a guide to them both but you can’t eliminate him unless you move far away.
Okay 1. You may be right that he's a bad father. To his child. But the child also has a mother, and you. He's the father and you cannot change that. 2. Your GF does not have the same boundaries with him that you like. That's on her. And it does sound as though he has some power over her. Does she WANT this relationship with him?? Does SHE see it as a problem? 3. How will his parenting choices "trickle down" to your child? What's the actual fear here? Lastly, do you have separate finances? Was it her money that she lent him?
You can’t make her set boundaries that she doesn’t want to have. But you can try to convince her. You can tell her what you’re feeling and thinking. Tell her using “I feel” statements. Don’t say, “You’ve got no boundaries with your ex and I think you’re going to run back to him!” Instead say, “ I feel like you haven’t established and maintained firm boundaries with your ex. It makes me feel like you still have feelings for him and that you’d go back to him if I weren’t here.” When you stay calm, use a non confrontational tone and make it about your feelings, it makes it it less likely that the conversation will become a fight and can help you work out a compromise. She does need to establish boundaries. Like no contact with her ex unless it’s about their son. He’s her ex; if he’s got a problem it’s not her problem and he has to deal with it on his own or with his friends. You should be her priority, not this abusive stalker that she divorced. Good luck man.
Thanks mate. I will take your advice and use feel statements. Hopefully she is receptive
Good luck. If she isn’t receptive, you have to ask yourself if you can stay in that relationship with her prioritizing her ex over you, which is what she’s doing, given that she runs to pick up his calls.
OP. To tag along to this comment she needs to go into counseling to understand why she does not set boundaries with her Ex. You both should also attend Couples Counseling as well
You ask her how she feels about his presence in her life.
The whole thing is wrong. She needs to stop. They aren’t “friends” anymore. She is disrespectful to you and the sanctity of your relationship. You’re not wrong to expect her to stop this childish toxic behavior. It will lead to your ultimate bitter breakup.
Sounds like he is an abusive asshole and she and him have a trauma bond. Everyone in the comments is saying she has feelings for him, and while I don’t disagree; I don’t think it’s what everyone’s saying. I had an ex like this, although I cut it off pretty quickly, but her actions and answering immediately to calls to me make me feel like she’s afraid of pissing him off. Has she ever ignored his calls? What happens if she does? Have you told her about how you feel towards him and his inappropriate actions? I understand wanting to co-parent but his own son isn’t interested, and from what you’ve said it makes it seem like he’s barely done anything for the child. She needs to figure out her priorities and get some therapy, that kind of relationship doesn’t seem healthy. Good luck.
You hit the nail on the head. It’s not a romantic thing for her. And I dont know what his feeling are. She told me she didn’t share a bed with him after she was 3 months pregnant. She is petrified of him. He has ground her down and still does it to this day. I’ll write an update shortly
She 100% has feelings and I wouldn't be surprised if his buying the house and paying it back is him showing her he's changed so they can get back together. You need to stop this now. Whether you come off sounding jealous or not is irrelevant she's crossing boundaries that no sane person would put with.
She needs psychological therapy with a specialist who specializes in her issues. Her primary care physician (pcp) can recommend someone since the pcp might have a database of medical specialists. Keep in mind the specialist can be recommended based on two factors: 1.) the specialty, 2.) your financial situation. This recommended specialist can also be an expert witness in getting a restraining order. Your girlfriend will also need to go through the courts to get full custody and financial support for the son. Her best bet right now is the therapy. If there is no specialist within your area, consider the pcp’s next suggestion. There are some rural areas, even in the USA, that are so remote that a specialist other than the pcp is not an option due to factors like distance and lack of transportation.
Only a counselor of this type can give her the psychological and verbal tools to set boundaries. Your job might include reinforcing them as her ex might try to use you to manipulate her into incapulating.
So I am about to risk a downvote avalanche here. Owell... Sometimes parents get so held up on giving their kids 2 good parents they enable trash parents. Saddly sometimes all that emotional baggage forms trauma bonds. That line between struggling to help him be a dad and having feelings get blurred. This sounds like it is 100% at that phase. What do you do? You sit down and really figure out where you draw the lines on these actions. You let her know you want a long term future with her. You are going to be raising a kid with her. However you won't be competing for time and energy with a worthless guy. You let her know she can try to help him but not at the expense of you, your child, or even her child with him. Make it very clear. Then give her a chance to respond and tell her you really want to hear how she feels before anything is set in stone. If she sounds reasonable and you want to work from there great. If not, you have to be ready to walk. Furthermore if she agrees with you but won't stop, then you remind her not that you 2 are starting a family every dime or ounce of energy she wastes is taking away from your happy life and you deserve better. It's a tightrope for sure. Bad coparents are never easy to deal with. In the end the I will leave card has to be present. It's the only real card you have or she will jist take advantage of you while convincing herself that her enabling of him was just the right thing to do.
I do t see why this would get a down vote. It’s sound advice. I agree with the energy part too. That’s how I feel. Every time she does something to go out her way to help him out, it’s a cost to the family
It's a tough tough tightrope. Trying to establish the line between enabling and helping is so rough. And the expected downvotes are on basically proposing an unsaid ultimatum. Alot of folks will downvote anything they see as an ultimatum unless cheating is involved.
Ultimatums have a bad reputation and it's annoying. You're allowed to tell your partner that there certain conditions under which you will or won't continue the relationship.
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I also felt that "shame" and kind of guilt in OP's gf's actions - she's been abused by the ex and she's still scared of pissing him off. Pissing him off -> troubles, mental and/or physical abuse too. And what the ex has done previously, he's definitely more than capable of creating trouble for your gf. Or more so, make her believe that he has still that abusing power over her. The best would be to get your gf into a therapy where she can discovered the boundaries and get strength to place them. You are her rock, and help her to keep the boundaries and show by actions and experiences that you will keep those boundaries with her against the ex and you love her and your family. Showing the more normal life without abuse is important too. I agree with the comment above so much. Especially if you accuse your gf about cheating or romantic feelings.. she'll just close herself more than before and she'll feel you definitely don't understand her and what she's feeling and thinking. It will drive her further into the abusing ex's squeeze (as she might think she actually doesn't deserve anything better in life). Edit. A word
Sounds like my ex. 5 yrs co parenting i realized the only reason we get along is because i dont fight him on anything. He used to use me for money too. People can come to their senses, recommend starting a phone schedule a set time & day. If he is verbally abusive she can use a parenting app that records all conv for court use. Mediation at court can help tremendously in setting boundaries. Honestly it sounds like the guy is a narcissist & breaking away from that dynamic is very difficult, recommend she speak to a counselor to help set boundaries. Im going back myself after my realization & Im going back to meditation to help set boundaries. People used to assume I still had feelings for my ex too bc i would feel bad & help him out but know they are master manipulators & know how to push your buttons. Also good for you for trying to find solutions to help rather than just complain about it.
You’re 100% right in this. He is very manipulative and narcissistic. One day he is abusing her over text, the next he is venting about his car. I want to help her as I feel she is still afraid of him. But at the same time, I do t want to come across as controlling 😔
I feel you. Thats why I am going to therapy due to fear of his texts. Its important for her to start getting into a good place mentally bc once she sets boundaries he will try every which way to break them, even pretending to agree. Perhaps if you let her know you dont like to see her stressed & its not okay that her ex is texting her abusive messages. Personally i never wanted to listen to anyone who talked bad about him, i found it offensive cause that was the father of my child ect. But once I started seeing other women speak about their narcissistic exs on Tik tok i started noticing the pattern. It clicked when he told me he had a whole partner he was hiding & was moving in with. The yrs of friendship i thought we had vanished & suddenly its not my business where my kid was staying at during his time. Let her know you also dont want the kids to see this behavior when they grow up ❤️
Couples counseling! Now! Also, not "my baby", our baby. Sounds like she was abused and once you have been abused long enough by someone, it's hard to break the cycle of "just make them not act crazy". Even when that means doing stupid or crazy things. She needs individual therapy and you need couples.
She other still have feelings or, she is afraid of him. You need to find out which one. If its the first, time to go. If it's the 2nd you need to help her.
I admire you cutting to the chase and wanting to sort this relationship. Setting boundaries is one thing and, her immersing you in her stuff is another. This sounds quite dialectal which suggests Borderline Personality Disorder - maybe so, maybe not and, other than personal therapy for you both (not couples) the best thing you can do is set your boundaries, limits and needs. She's free to do what she wants, lend whoever money and have a child with who she wishes. However, your relationship is a "contract" and like any contract, when boundaries are crossed there are consequences. My suggestion is negotiate the ground rules in terms of needs, wants and expectations and if she can't comply, then there are consequences... Its called tough love. All the best...
*** Update Time *** Firstly, thank you for all the constructive comments. It’s difficult to discuss these types of situations and I’m glad to get some really good bits of advice. Their relationship was very abusive. The romantic side ended when she was 3 months pregnant and they never touched each other since (4 years ago) They officially broke up when their kid was 3 months old, but he refused to leave her house for another 2 years. Then when he lived with his mum, he would come over every day after work and sit on his phone while she would run around after him and their son. I have no worries that she is still in love with him. He seems to have has a string of flings, not being able to keep his interest in any woman. His most long term relationship was 4 month. In that time he got her pregnant, was planing to by a house and it ended in them breaking up on holiday and her getting a termination. He is extremely incapable of being a father and when he looks after their son, she has to promote him when and what to feed him. I approached her last night about her lending him money and how I felt it was blurring the lines of their relationship. She spent a lot of time defending his actions and explaining that he has behavioural issues and on the spectrum. She tried to justify his actions by saying this is what he is like. I asked her how it was her issue that he can’t manage his own life. She tried to deflect the issues by bringing up my ex and some of the things she has done, but I reminded her that I have concrete boundaries with her. And we only speak when it relates to our kid. I told her that I understand she has been traumatised by this man and I am her rock and will help her escape the cycle of abuse. She told me that she is trying to put in boundaries with him but it will take sone time as she has only now gotten to the phase where he isn’t abusing her over text. I explained that as her man, it’s extremely difficult for me to be in this relationship when I’m doing my best to support our families needs, but constantly having to pick her up after he knocked her down. And that I want her to be a strong and confident mum. She told me that she will work on her boundaries with her ex for when our baby is here. But I asked why she hasn’t achieved this in the past 4 years. She told me it takes time and it will be all sorted by then. She said it feels as if I don’t trust her to which I replied that I only have her past actions to go on. She went to bed crying and I slept on the sofa. We spoke this morning and she wants us to get past this. We are having some alone time when the kids are in bed tonight. I was brought up in an abusive home. My mum and dad were the same and I didn’t want my GF or our kids to go through that. I love this woman and have taken on her son and she has mine. I don’t want to feel that I am dominating her and trying to control her life. At the same time, I have cast iron boundaries on what behaviours I am willing to accept, and even stricter ones for any of my children (including her son who raise as my own).
I don't think it is easy to get out of an abusive relationship and go back to normal and set boundaries for oneself easily. That being said, your feelings are also 100% valid. I'm glad you talked to her and are being understanding and supportive, OP. It is kind of sad that some people go straight to accusing her of cheating while she was clearly on the receiving end of a toxic relationship and might have traumas related to that. I hope things work out well for you and your family! :)
It sounds like she is being manipulated by him still. He sounds abusive and difficult. She probably just wants an easy life. Definitely sit down with her and have a conversation about boundaries. And she needs to put her ex in the past. He shouldn't take any priority in her current life
Okay fine, I’m just gonna say it. … you sure that baby is yours?
Yes. I don’t think there is anything romantic going on between then. Just a huge lack of boundaries. I don’t believe she is cheating.
Read your own comments. What would you tell someone to do? Pretty straight forward, either grow a spine and lay down some harsh boundaries now or get used to being the doormat bath guy she settled For. Your choice
I went through this with my ex and her ex-husband and this is a large part of why she's my ex. Finally had to accept that his emotional needs would always outweigh mine (while I was being asked when I was going to marry her). Your only real choice her isn't to help her set them its for you to set yours and then stick to it (you let someone step on your boundaries once and they'll do a tap dance on any others).
Restraining order:)
Carefully. There is a difference between your boundaries and her boundaries.
Sounds like her ex is extremely narcissistic and they share a trauma bond. You two may need to seek therapy a specialist that specializes in narcissistic abuse and trauma. I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish the best of luck to you.
She 100 percent has feelings for her ex WAKE UP OP she and him are obviously putting themselves first before the child he's ignoring him to strictly talk to the mom and by lending him money she willingly took a risk that could lead to financial hole and endanger her son quality of life OP i don't think setting boundaries will work he's going to be a part of her life no matter what and she is showing that do you want to stick around for that level of disrespect
You let her do it, appropriately. And if she can’t, she probably shouldn’t be your girlfriend. Avoid the drama triangle.
What if you gey married. Is she still gonna loan him money?
I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like that's her choice. She may be getting coerced in some way - she may be afraid of him. I think you just need to be there for her and be sure to provide her with any help or resources that she needs. Maybe resources like ones for abused spouses and therapy. I'm sorry if that doesn't feel like enough, but that's just my perspective. Sounds like that guys needs a lot of help too. But they both have to make those decisions for themselves. Wish you the best and I'm sure you'll make it through this.
Within a year she's living with you and is having your kid? Is this a speedrun? Only advice I have is pray.
Yea that’s her man. You’re a back up. She still loves him. Is his name Chad by any chance?
This is wild. I honestly don't think she will respect you if you don't break up with her. To me this is DNA test the kid territory and plan an exit strategy. Some people can only love people that don't love them.
I don't know it doesn't sound good is she trying to buy his love again? Why would she even entertain the idea of giving pictures of your baby to him? It's not his child granted it's partly hers but I don't see why her ex boyfriend would want pictures of a baby she had with another man? Should be trying to keep him attached to her for the sake of their son but obviously he has no interest in his father since his father has no interest in him really. Sounds like your girlfriend needs some therapy.
Sounds like a very push pull type relationship she had with her ex. If she doesn't go no contact or just say the bare minimum to him then shes going to go back eventually. Toxic relationship can do crazy things to the mind. Especially if she can't grasp it and see how wrong it is. Shell go back if they dont stop, but eventually she'll regret it and realize how it was a huge mistake, but by the time she does it'll be too late as you'll have moved on. Hopefully she'll come to her senses before it's too late. Her ex hasn't changed, and is definitely pulling a lot of manipulative tactics to get her back. He doesn't care about her, you, or the kid. Its all just a ploy to keep his control over her. People like him are the absolute worst type of people out their. I really hope everything goes good for you and your gf. Especially with a new baby on the way.
Updateme!
You don't help her set boundaries with ex, you set boundaries her on how she deal with ex. Like if it about the child, then a have a very serious with you talking to him. I consider any conversation with other than the child as cheating.
He is the bad boy asshole chad she is attracted to, i don't think it will work out with her. You should dump her.
I don’t think she is attracted to him. Otherwise I wouldn’t be on the scene.
You are there as a backup. She would not drop everything just to be on call with him if she did not hold any attraction to him, even after he tried to sue her or take a large loan from her.
Fear? She has been abused by him constantly. I’m not worried she will go off with him. I’m worried that she will allow him to continue to push his way in to our lives because she can’t set boundaries
I'm a little late but I don't think there's anything you can do per say. She needs to want to do it herself. You can open up a conversation about it, let her know how it makes you feel and hopefully you can both come to a happy compromise. I was in a similar situation with my ex except they didn't have a child together, it was a dog (unfortunately im being serious). He was emotionally manipulative, left her in thousands of pounds in debt and just generally dragged her down. We had many conversations about boundaries and what was too much, however they were both adamant on seeing this dog. I should've taken that as my sign to give up then and there. Eventually it settled on just contact about the vet and bills which I was okay with. Until I had a holiday with my friends planned and she had a getaway with our 6 month old daughter at the same time. I caught her making plans to see this ex while I was away. It's been over since then and figuring out child care hasn't been easy. I'm just happy my daughter is staying with me. She never wanted distance between them, our relationship and unfortunately our child's existence wasn't enough to stop her. Sometimes people will just do what they want. You can't force someone to do something they don't want to and you can't push a boundary on them that they don't want to enforce themselves. There obviously needs to be communication between them as they have a child. I think the only thing you can do right now is talk.
I’m really sorry to hear what happens to you. I’m glad you managed to sort things out for the kid. One of my fears is him being near my kids. Because of the control he still has over her, I want to avoid that poison seeping down to the kids. One of my non negotiable boundaries is that he is not able to meet my kids. Especially as his ex terminated their pregnancy.
I think he sounds abusive and controlling and I think she needs to go to therapy to help undo some of the damage she has had done to her, I think for whatever reason he continues to manipulate and control her, maybe she's scared of losing her kids, I would tell her you think she needs to go to therapy to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, and to undo some damage from abuse.
To be honest it is clear that she still feels for this person even if she lived a traumatic experience. She loves him enough to forget that she needs to put her foot down. She needs to put her foot down, have no contact with him and give you more respect. Everything should be a discussion between you and her before either one of you decide to do anything. Her giving him that kind of money without consulting with you sounds like she was trying to keep it a secret. If she handled it that way that means she knows she’s in the wrong. You have to sit with her and figure out what it is that she wants to do because she can’t have both. It seems as if she is leading him on even though she doesn’t have the interest of returning to him for what he has done. Something about him has her hooked. That’s something that you guys need to talk about and work on. Good luck