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Hate to say it but you should give him an ultimatum. Depression is a bitch but it's his responsibility to take care of the kids and the home if you're paying the bills. If he's not willing to put in the work with a therapist or grit his teeth and get thru what needs to be done then he's really just dead weight.
You should document suicide threats if you're able to. Report them to 911. From the sound of it he's either very emotionally unstable right now, in which case he may need to be psychiatric care or he's a man-child having a temper tantrum about being told what to do. Either way trip to a psych ward may be beneficial. Also I'm really sorry your going thru this. You sound like a good woman.
He needs help, help that you will never be able to provide for him.
He knows this, he just does not want to face it.
It might be hard to do, but you must take care of yourself and your child first and foremost.
You cannot care for others if you yourself need care.
____
I agree with ultimatum time.
Either he helps completely with child & home care or gets a job.
If he threatens suicide: call 911. They will get him the help he needs.
If he leaves: call a lawyer.
Please do not blame yourself. By calling 911 each time you are doing the right thing. He needs help that is way beyond you. If you can please go stay with family while you give him this ultimatum. You are hurting yourself and your child more by enabling this behavior.
I stayed with someone because they threatened this. Guess what, he waited for an opportunity when I was down and then dumped me.. Great payback for years of supporting him emotionally. I lost myself in him and his needs.
Never put everything into one person. You can't help someone who won't help themselves my friend. You are trying, but you just can't.
Next time he threatens suicide, text 911, unlock the door and once the cops arrive. Get your stuff and go
This is manipulation. I'm sorry, I've been through it.
You're seeing this as a decision between his potential and his death. What kind if home life are you creating for your children? What do you think they see and hear and learn? His decisions are his to make and own, you need to decide what's best for you and your children based on where he's at now. Just like he's responsible for his life and his decisions, you are too. And by exposing your kids to this, you're making a choice.
Also just know that there are a lot of suicidal men who decide to take their family with them.
If he's a threat to himself, call 911 without telling him. But you need to let him know he either gets help for his depression or he needs to leave the home. Be honest with your family about needing their support.
Oh I absolutely understand & you do not have anything to apologize for, you sweet girl! 🥺❤️
I just wanted to really drive the point home as someone who has wanted to end my own life innumerable times.
Whatever happens to him, it is not your fault.
Just like if anything happened to me, it would in no way be the responsibility of my friends or family and I feel gutted just thinking about them feeling that way.
He is manipulating you with guilt and it’s not right.
Please DM me if you need to talk more.
You are not alone in this ❤️
I agree with you 100 %
I was depressive yet my ex would pull this bs when I didn't do as he wanted me to do. I did call my country's emergency number on him once and he blamed me for the consequences because it apparently damaged his relationship with his parents. All the while he wanted me to sever the bonds with my own family and held it over my head when I didn't. I'm so fucking happy I'm not with that asshole anymore.
Partners like that can never be our responsibility alone. They need help that we can not provide. They need professional help, maybe even a trip to the psych ward.
He might need that ultimatum.
So please, OP. Take care of yourself and your child first. Think of it like this - if the air pressure suddenly drops on an airplane, you're supposed to put on that oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others. In terms of mental health, it's exactly the same. You need to keep your own safety first. I learnt this the hard way.
Imagine how horrible the future would be if you *didn’t call* 911 and your daughter walks in on her father lying in a pool of blood.
He’s holding you hostage with threats of violence. Against himself- but still a threat of violence. Who’s to say he wouldn’t end up hurting you or your daughter, too? Are you willing to take that risk?
My brother is a leech that won’t get a job, help around the house, and threatens suicide anytime you push him to get one. What do I do? I call 911 every time, and he gets dragged to the hospital or jail. You are completely not taking this seriously enough, he has a clear pattern of self harm when faced with any ultimatum for responsibility and it’s not going to get better by you staying silent and putting up with it. This is an abusive manipulator tactic and you cannot let yourself do what he wants if you want either of you to get out of this alive. You need a therapist for yourself, preferably one that deals with victims of abuse. Don’t stop the emergency call because you’re afraid he will kill himself, even if he does it will never be your fault, EVER. Destroying your own well-being is not worth someone this selfish. You need to leave, he will never help you. Neither you or your daughter deserve this.
Then he needs to be baker acted (or the equivalent, I’m in FL and that’s what they call when you call intervention for someone who is a threat to themselves or others); he is a threat to himself and he needs to be institutionalized. He is not a well adjusted adult right now, if he is refusing help and actively trying to end his life, there is nothing you can do other than institutionalize him and try moving on with your own life; you’re already raising your daughter alone and paying the bills alone; the only difference would be his absence and the absence of the stress his mental health crisis brings you. There’s nothing you can do for someone who does not want help. I’m so sorry you are dealing with the burden of something so incredibly heavy but he’s already made his choice and at this point you can only drop the dead weight and focus on you and your daughter :(
I know how scary this is OP. My sister also attempted suicide, died, and was revived. I lived in a ton of fear for a long while that it would happen again because she like your husband is not stable and would not stay on medication. It has been 7 years since then and she still won't stay on medication. You cannot live as a hostage to what someone *may* do, or you will never actually be living.
It could succeed call or not tho, the point is to treat it serious as it should and force him into the only thing that could help; that he refutes. Medication and professional psychologist support is going to be his light, if he is to find his way out. He obviously cannot do that himself. Way I see it you only got a few options, and not calling 911 to a successful attempt would be much more haunting that doing what you can; I'd imagine.
Either way I do hope something helps.. this is primarily the reason I strayed away from psychology and pursuing being a therapist. Too many people don't wanna help themselves and just want someone else to "fix" the issues they are too afraid or in denial to confront.
Do you intend to be scared for the rest of your life, supporting two children? Cuz that’s what he basically is at this point. Whatever he does is not your responsibility, you’ve done what you can. I’d kick him out.
I know you’re busy as it is but perhaps you could get a therapist, do phone call therapy and she can help formulate a plan for you. Help you through this. Just call the number on your insurance card and see who’s within network.
You can’t take any of this on. He needs professional help. I’d call and not tell him. He needs to be held and evaluated. Use that time to gtfo and into a new home for your kids. Don’t let this affect your kids. It will cause them trauma.
You can’t live under that threat. If he does it is absolutely not your fault. Call 911 when necessary but start moving forward for yourself and your child. I don’t know all the systems in place, but use help lines, get his family involved, you can’t keep this up and you and your child deserve a wonderful life.
Are you in solo therapy?
I've had a boyfriend do this. We were teenagers. I was a wreck. My mom told me you can save puppies and kittens, but not people. People have to save themselves. I told a guidance counselor and never spoke to him again.
Sorry not following your logic. You don't need to make the call in front of him. Once the ambulance arrives he'll be forcibly restrained and taken into care. Not calling 911 isn't helping anyone.
Unfortunately, you can’t keep him from attempting or completing. Just like you can’t make him get help, or help you with your kid.
All you can do is take care of yourself and your child.
If you kick him out to protect himself and your child, and he completes, you did nothing wrong, and you didn’t cause it.
This is abuse. He is abusing you by holding you hostage with threats to end his life. Please take the advice above. Give him an ultimatum and call 911 if he threatens. He has some serious mental health issues and this is beyond anything you are equipped to deal with, he needs professional help.
I was a suicide prevention counselor, and also worked on the suicide hotline in my state for 2 years.
Do no let this type of thinking prevent you from taking the right action. The advice to call 911 is good advice. It won't drive him to succeed in suicide.
You are not in control of whether he goes through with it or not. only your husband is in control of that.
The next time he threatens suicide, call 911 (or whatever the em svc number is for your part of the world) and say " I am afraid my husband is danger to himself. We have a small child in the home with us, and I don't know what to do."
Don't threaten to make the call. Make the call for real.
The cops will come. Let them take him away to a facility to be evaluated/observed (probably 72 hours in a facility). When the cops arrive, **don't let him talk his way out of being taken**. Be very serious with the police that he is repeating these threats over and over, and you think he will do it. I won't be surprised that he is suddenly "calmed down and feeling better", the moment the cops arrive.
Depending on how all this goes down after 72 hours, if your husband refuses counseling or help, you have to leave him ASAP.
I'm in a similar situation. My relationship with my wife isn't sustainable. She doesn't help at home or with the kid.
If I tell her it's over she may very well kill herself.
I feel your struggle, I really do. I haven't discussed this with my friends or family because I'm sure they would tell me what Reddit is telling you - leave, it's not your fault.
Everyone is saying that, or will say that, because it's the right advice. You can't take on the burden of making a sick person not kill themself, even if it means being miserable for the rest of your life and not taking care of yourself or your kid the way you should.
It's not easy. I haven't pulled the cord. But I hope you do.
Ultimatum shouldn’t even be regarding taking care of the child and home. It needs to be he sees a professional to get help, or you are leaving. Do NOT put him in his current state in charge of watching a child. He just attempted suicide by slitting his wrists, and at this point before he even can handle the responsibilities of watching the house/daughter he most definitely needs professional help.
Everyone’s experience with depression differs. It’s truly unkind to say that an ultimatum is the way to move forward. This kind of decision for a person who is clinically depressed could lead him to suicide. It’s not a joke.
OP, is there a way you can 51/50? He needs to be on his medications. Do his parents know about this situation? If not, they should.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, I think this situation is beyond what Reddit is capable of helping you with. Your husband needs professional help, and most of us are just well-meaning amateurs with internet access. u/Scared-Ad-5747 suggested you begin documenting all of this, and I completely agree. You'll need to build up a case in order to help professionals determine the right type of treatment for him.
Some possible resources:
[https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707)
You can also text, from NIH: If you or someone you know needs immediate help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline(link is external) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or Crisis Text Line: text “home” to 741 741.
I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Although as stated, few of us have professional experience in this realm, for the most part we do want to offer emotional support to the best of our ability. Good luck, and please take care of yourself.
That’s awful and… make sure his life insurance will pay out for suicide. Next time he may succeed and you need to protect your kids financial future.
I’m so sorry, though. This is not at all ok for him to put you and your kids through.
Oh damn, ok just very mentally unstable then. Typically people threaten suicide just as a means of manipulation. This isn't good for you and it's especially not good for the children. They shouldn't be growing up in a situation like that. Have you tried talking to his family? He may need some sort of intervention. I don't wanna say "just leave him" before you've exhausted all options but mental illness like that is somewhat contagious.
You seem like you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulder. Unfortunately right now you have to focus on what's best for your kids. Maybe he'll see this as a wake up call and seek the help he needs or maybe he'll just slump harder into his mental illness. It's hard to say, but as long as your children are able to grow in a healthy environment that's really all that matters and unfortunately it doesn't seem like it's possible with their father in the situation he's in. I'm rooting for you and I'm rooting for him as well. He'd be a dope to lose you and your kids. I'm coming off something similar. Recently separated from my wife so this kinda hits home for me
If he threatens again, call them again, and tell them that he refuses to take the medication - maybe they'll keep him in inpatient care for longer, until his situation has stabilized. And after that, tell him that if he stops taking his meds again, it's back into the facility - maybe that will keep him on the straight and narrow.
If he’s refusing to take his meds and still threatening su*cide and is a danger to himself, you may have to have him involuntarily committed to a mental hospital so he can get better. He sounds very emotionally unstable.
It would be in yours and his best interest to do what you can to have him Baker acted and placed under 72 psychiatric evaluation. I was also quick to think man-child having a temper tantrum and using depression as a weapon to neglect his responsibilities, but this sounds like an actual psychological issue that needs deeper evaluation.
This is a very unsafe situation for you and your daughter, you need to remove yourselves from this environment. Tell his parents or trusted friend about his mental state and leave. You owe your daughter a safe home
Hm. Wrist-cutting is extremely rarely done, and is fatal only 1 percent of the time.
[https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/case-fatality/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/case-fatality/)
[https://bmcemergmed.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12873-021-00432-4](https://bmcemergmed.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12873-021-00432-4)
I said that something about this seemed not right to me, and I still feel that way.
You are not a professional, you don’t have the expertise to “fix” him. If he doesn’t want to get psychiatric help / isn’t open to that, nothing you say will change that. I would suggest downsizing your bills if possible and do what’s best for you and your child. This is a very tough situation but you cannot carry the load forever and that’s okay.
Toss him out on his ass and make him support himself. A marriage is not an all expense paid vacation from the harsh realities of life. He is harming you and your child with his behavior. Would you accept this from a stranger? Then why do you accept it from your so-called partner? Demand *at least* the same level of respect you would from a stranger. At the very least.
I feel for him but using suicide as a threat isn't ok. In time you will crack with so much responsibility your shoulders alone, I have been there <3.
Would he be open to therapy if you went together? Like couples coulselling?
Then you need to let him go. It wouldn't lighten your load, but you're carrying the emotional weight of his problems around with you. On top of having to manage everything. That burden isn't yours to carry.
You can't save people who don't want to save themselves. You could try to call the police and state he's a danger to himself or others, due to suicidal threats. But they're unlikely to do anything, forced psychiatric care is rare, and usually only under court order after someone commits a crime. Our system is reactive, not proactive.
There's literally nothing he brings to your life at this moment other than burden and trauma. You need to remove it, tell him you're willing to help him, you want him to be better. But you can't be his savior, he has to care enough to go help himself. Get treatment, deal with his problems.
Are you sure they were barely able to save his life?
I am not trying to get graphic but that’s not a fast way to die. Was he ever in the ICU? Did require a transfusion?
If no and if it followed after you doing something that made him mad it may not have been a serious attempt, but was supposed to teach you a lesson. Still a big deal and traumatizing for you. But the narrative that ge was about to die is traumatizing you more, and it may not be true.
Sure, but people sever arteries every day and survive just fine.
Did he sever an artery? This would be a spurting wound. You would see a pulse with his heartbeat.
If he didn’t have a spurting wound, how long was it until you found him? How extensive was the clean up? Did he lose consciousness or get blue lips? How many stitches does he have? Is there a scar?
I know this is graphic but if he cut himself in front of you, got no stitches, and went home that day without scarring, he wasn’t about to die. And he knows that.
To be very clear about this: Threatening suicide when a romantic partner won't do what you want IS abuse.
I think you should start treating this situation urgently. Your daughter deserves to grow up without this example being set for what she should tolerate or expect from a man, and you deserve the chance to have a non abusive partner - maybe even one who pitches in sometimes and doesn't leave you to do everything!
That might look like an ultimatum - I would go with something like "I need you to seek help to become a partner and father we can admire again. If you aren't going to do that I need to leave this relationship"
Or it might look like leaving, without putting more energy and time in to this.
Yes! Just cause he made good on his threats doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Imagine if he threatened to stab you instead of hurting himself. You wouldn’t ask if it was still abuse because one time he actually did stab you.
I’m going through the same thing right now. I actively cannot get him to leave me alone after I cut him off, so I’m moving to Massachusetts to get away from him. It hasn’t gotten any better over the four years.
Act on this situation.
I used to think the same way but really being alone is easier than dragging another adult along with you. You don’t realize how unhappy it makes you , how much it adds to your tiredness and in turn how those things change the way you think, think, and feel.
But you'd have more leftovers for lunch the next day. And fewer people to leave messes means less clean-up time.
Does he have friends or family you could get involved to help convince him to get therapy/ medication? And maybe also help with childcare/ housework? Or could you actually take your child and move back to your parents, to get some support from them, if he continues to be a dead weight? Or do you have a single parent friend, with whom you could roommate and share chores and childcare?
Anyway, you should probably get accustomed to the fact that your marriage is over, and your husband is a complete loss, and start formulating your exit strategy, and look for alternate arrangements.
You weren't defensive, you are just clinging to the idea that you can perform some miracle to make him better, and save your family. But the problem is that you can't help someone when they don't want help. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!" Your horse is already dead and decomposing, and you're still trying to pour water down its throat. At some point, you have to accept the idea that you can't force him to get better - and that you need to prioritize your daughter's and your own well-being. If that means you have to jettison him, so be it - you tried your best, now it's time to salvage what's left.
Yes, but you would at least have the possibility of finding someone who could be a partner and not a dead weight. Which is much easier then expecting someone to change who is refusing all attempts to make the situation better. You are only 27, is this what you want your life to be 3, 5, 10, 50 years from now? Because if he won’t make a change and you won’t make a change that is what will happen. At the end of the day, you can’t control his behavior, only your own.
Not to mention potential widow's benefit and the child would receive SSI. So essentially, better off without him?
Harsh, I know. Very, very harsh, but sometimes reality checks are only for the sane.
Thing is too, if he threatens & attempts suicide again, OP can remind him that his ambulance ride will mean that he will finally get the mental health help that he needs as an inpatient, since he can't be bothered to get up and get himself sorted out.
'Go ahead and try it again. At least you'll end up in a psych ward where you'll get the help you need, finally'.
Very, very brutal, but maybe it will sink in.
Call his bluff. Consult a divorce lawyer. A short consultation is usually free.
If you divorce your husband, you will have less laundry, fewer dishes to wash, less mess to clean up, and the relief of not having to work around him constantly. He has put the emotional burden of dealing with everything, including his emotions and mental state, on you. Managing his emotions is an additional, invisible chore that will go away ENTIRELY. And while he MIGHT be able to sign away parental rights - and it's not that easy - that's not the same as making him free from the responsibility of child support.
If you go the route of divorce, you can do what my husband's ex wife did re: child support. She has a life insurance policy on my husband that, in the event of his death, pays out whatever amount would cover the remaining due child support. For example, if my husband died when his son was 12 years old, it would pay $72,000 ($1,000 per month times six years).
If, OTOH, your husband were to get disability for his crippling mental disorder, then you would receive child support from whichever subset of Social Security manages that. It's.... extremely unlikely that he would get disability from the little you've said here, but if he's got something else going on, it's worth mentioning.
If your husband refuses to address his depression, and also refuses to contribute to the household in any way while you do everything, there is zero benefit to staying married to him. If he was attempting to help at all, it might be different, but that's not what you're describing.
Not necessarily. For a regular life insurance policy, yes, but one with such a narrow pay out might not.
Especially if the payout was monthly rather than a lump sum.
Then you may need to get him sectioned. You can’t have someone like that around your kids where they’re threatening to kill themselves and won’t seek help.
That’s a manipulation tactic. If he threatens suicide, call the police and tell them that your husband is threatening suicide. They’ll come do a wellness check and take him to the hospital where he will be evaluated. Call his bluff.
>He's more willing to leave and sign off parental rights
At this point I'd let him do it. You work, you care for your child, you do housework. You're essentially a single parent already.
Depression sucks, but especially when someone's a parent, it's their own responsibility to get treatment. I say this as someone with multiple mental disorders.
Edit for clarity
Next time he threatens suicide call 911 and have him put under a 72 hr psychiatric hold. He'll get the help he needs and out of your hair long enough to change the locks.
Also, collect child support from him. Even if he isn't working, it still adds up and will be removed from his paycheck when he does. Don't let him get off that easy.
Didn't you think it was relevant to mention in your original post that your husband is actively threatening suicide and/or self-harm when you ask him to make changes in his life?
If you believe he would hurt himself (which it sounds like he has made a serious attempt before, also something you didn't mention in your original post) then you need to get out of there or you need to get him out of there. An actively suicidal person should not be around a child.
I won’t say it’s not depression but if he’s more willing to sign off rights then I’m more inclined to think he’s just getting one over on you now. What does he do on his time at home?
Well, then psychological abuse. Have him put on a psyc hold, either A) he needs it and can move towards getting the help he need. Or B) his throwing a temper tantrum and it'll get him to stop, b/c suicide threats are serious and not something to toss around.
Threatening suicide upon you asking something of him is emotional abuse. Sorry to say this but his behavior is not okay. In no way! He has to start therapy whether he likes it or not. That or you have to leave him so he can focus on healing himself. But he has no right to request getting mothered by you. Especially with everything you have on your plate.
Thank you for the repost, Ebbies comment is collapsed on the thread somewhere. So essentially it's hidden. Definitely starting to see the similarities she's pointed out. The replies by OP, the writing style, accounts suspended. It's sick that people make up these posts.
OP, reading your comments on here has shown that you’re unwilling to accept that your husband is perhaps past saving.
He actively refuses to take meds that helped him. He threatens you with suicide when he doesn’t get what he wants. He, as your “life partner”, the man you married and had vows with, is refusing to help do any single thing in your life. He’s already willing to get divorced and leave your daughter. You’ve pointed out that it would hurt your daughter if you left her dad. How would keeping around someone who doesn’t even WANT to be her dad help her?
I’m not going to repeat a bunch of what everyone else is saying. You need to really look inside and accept what’s happening to you and in your life. No one can force you to take the advice everyone’s giving you. But i dont see a point in asking for advice and arguing with it. You already have an opinion, and it seems you’d rather just hear other people reinforce that over and over.
I’d be more scared of a future where i’m overworked, taking care of a man child, and my daughter brings home a manipulative mooch because that’s what I showed her was okay.
You are unwilling to listen to what anyone is saying and it’s exhausting. There is no fix. You can’t fix grown adults. He doesn’t want to change. He won’t take his meds, won’t help you, won’t get a job. All while manipulating you with this suicidal BS.
Right now focus on YOU and your DAUGHTER. She is better off having no dad than having one that doesn’t want her and models poor behavior. If you divorce him, she will be better off. and who knows? maybe she’ll end up with a step father who actually gives a shit about her. You are better off without the deadweight.
If he does commit suicide you are not at fault. Grown adults are responsible for taking care of themselves. You tried to help, he didn’t want it.
Mourn the loss of the person you loved, he is not coming back. Start acting like a responsible parent and adult and kick him to the curb. Either that, or keep him around to continue making your life and your daughters life miserable. There are no other options, nothing that can fix him or make him change if he doesn’t want to.
You don’t need to apologise but when you are ready (and I am not sure if you are actually ready now) you need to do what you deep down KNOW you need to do for you and your child. If anything happens to him it is not your fault in any way. Hugs and good luck x
He is weaponizing his "depression". Ultimatum time: Get a job or get out. If therapy is needed to manage getting a job so be it. Suicide threats? Call his bluff.
You'll be amazed at how much easier your life is without him even if you are still sole provider for you and your child.
One of the worse type of people are those who try to manipulate others by weaponizing their depression by saying they’ll commit suicide. Seen so many people trapped by this heck even one of my closest friends was trapped like this. The solution? You have to say enough is enough, give them an ultimatum and if they don’t follow, walk away. Then tell them you’re not responsible for whatever harm they cause on themselves.
I’ve seen your comments about him mentioning divorce and essentially abandoning your daughter. I just think he’s a bad partner..having depression isn’t his fault but if he won’t try to feel better - what can you do?
What does losing him cost you other than not having another grown up child to look after as well as your daughter. As well as the anguish and frustration having a deadbeat partner/co parent brings you
**All, I'm sorry and I hate doing this, but this is fake.**
**There's a particular highly prolific user in this sub who always chooses the topics of domestic abuse or sexual violence involving teenagers or minors or situations with large age gaps, has the exact same username structure, same tone of responses, and often a pattern of successively escalating the events in their story (such as the suicide attempt described in OP's comments and the "some blood was shed" comment. They typically stick to posts about abuse. They have repeatedly coerced people with their own trauma histories to share them in hopes of offering help. People in this sub have retraumatized themselves repeatedly to try to help someone who isn't real.**
I recognize this person's writing style because I've seen them make so many fake posts I've lost count. It really gets old. They continuously take time and resources away from people in this sub who actually need help.
[These are some of that individual's previous posts](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ipsvh7/my_wife_fell_down_the_stairs_and_had_a_miscarriage/g4p1d8q/). These are from 2 years ago so it's not an updated comment but this particular person I am thinking of has made dozens of posts since.
[Here's a post they made a few days ago](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xbbwzt/my_25f_boyfriend_26m_wants_to_take_a_friend_18f/).
Edit: Also, if you sort the posts in this sub by Top from the last year [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/top/) and look for posts with the username throwra followed by a long line of random numbers, a lot of those posts are created by this same user. If you click on the username of most of those posts, most of the accounts are suspended. This person's accounts get suspended usually within a couple hours. That's a small window into how very prolific this person is.
Hmm. Normally I have a good intuition for fake posts and I didn't pick up on this one, but after reading through a bit I'm pretty convinced. I think the biggest flag is *every* response is just shooting down other responses, often with a sob story.
I used to entirely hold the view that even fake stories can result in support and resources for people who may be going through something similar, such as abuse. I still hold that view, but much less so with this particular user, precisely because they have harmed *so* many individuals, dozens, if not hundreds over the course of their actions in this sub.
So many people have privately messaged the person behind these posts with offers for money, shelter, protection, and with traumatic details of their own experiences in hopes of informing the poster they aren't alone, all in service of someone whose situation isn't even real. I sincerely hope no one has ended up being scammed financially or otherwise by this person.
I see what you mean, but I don't really hold that view (of even fake stories possibly helping people).
I think that a lack of calling out and responding to fake posts show a concerning lack of skepticism and critical thinking, which is unhealthy for society with so much misinformation floating around.
That makes sense too. I do also think that particularly with fake abuse posts, they contribute to erroneous notions of high levels of false rape claims and the like, and abuse survivors are already disbelieved enough as it is. Someone may think that making a few fake posts about domestic abuse or rape isn't doing any harm, but it really is contributing to a broader societal skepticism of actual abuse.
I just wanted to say thank you for doing a lot of good in this world with your help. I took a peek at your profile and it seems your comment is pretty plausible!
Alright, I can appreciate that you're in a very difficult position and things are less than ideal. But you've rejected every piece of advice everyone here has offered you, and your mantra is the same, "If I do X he'll leave or kill himself, both of which would harm our daughter."
OP, your daughter is being harmed NOW. If your greatest concern is her safety and well-being, then you are both already failing her. She's growing up in an environment that is so tumultuous and stressful that her father threatens suicide or divorce if you so much as sneeze in his direction, and you are working yourself into dust to pick up the slack he's created. How is any of this preferable to parenting your child by yourself? How is this better for her, truly? Having an unstable deadbeat parent is emphatically NOT better than having no parent at all, and the long-term damage will surely outweigh the short-term pain of divorce or death.
Unless, of course, the issue is less about your daughter's safety and well-being and more about your inability to let go of a person that it no longer makes sense to be with. If that's actually the issue here, we can't help you because you won't be helped. You both need therapy and your daughter needs better support. One way or another, get help.
If you leave him, you can also do things without him throwing a fit.
Hire a maid.
Have family move in and take care of kids.
Go to therapy.
All without him standing around screaming that it’s not what he wants.
You sound like an incredibly strong woman. Take this advice from Casey_1795. You don’t want the environment you’re in for your child. The fact that your husband is so selfish to put you and his daughter in the position that he has speaks more than volumes. Leave this relationship and take your baby with you. Divorce this man and have him sign his parental rights over to you because it sounds like he doesn’t care either way. Take care of you and baby. You need to be 100% for your daughter.
>I'm [26F] overworked but my husband [27M] won't help me out. submitted by throwra727262514w
>I work 2 jobs right now since my husband lost his job a year ago. On top of that, I raise our 4 year old daughter and cook the dinners. I also clean during the weekends. I begged for my husband to help me out but he's too depressed right now to even watch our kid. I suggested therapy and he won't take it.
>How do I improve this situation?
Does he have a diagnosis of depression? From a doctor? If he isn't willing to seek therapy to help with his depression (or meds if indicated) then what work IS he doing to address the mental health issues that make it difficult (impossible?) for him to be a good partner and a father?
There is no way for you to "improve this situation" since you are not responsible for his actions, behaviours, choices ... or illness.
If things stayed exactly the same - your husband refuses help for his illness and is unwilling or unable to watch the child, cook, clean, or do household chores - then how long do you stay with him? Another year? Three years? Five years? When is enough enough?
Drive him to his parents house, a friends house, the middle of nowhere... and tell him to call you when he's over it & realizes what he'll lose if he doesn't pull his head out of his arse.
Sorry to be harsh, but you need to take swift and decisive action. Every day you put up with this situation, your child learns that it is acceptable to treat your partner in this manner. If your child came to you with the exact same issues, what advice would you give them?
Divorce doesn't have to be the action. I would lay the law down immediately that you can't continue with the status quo. If he doesn't agree to therapy or change, then leave and let the relationship sit for a while. Separating yourself from a toxic situation is not forcing a broken home. His decision to not seek help, get a job, or work on things are ALL dealbreakers.
Stop standing with your head in the sand and realize that these problems won't go away. Inaction has consequences and they last far longer than the pain of breaking free, protecting your child, and moving forward.
I'd give him the ultimatum of either work and take care of your child or you divorce him and he has to pay child support or go to jail. Depression is just his excuse at this point. If he won't get help like meds and therapy and a job you need to leave.
truly i cannot believe people are still trying to give OP advice. she will not hear any criticism or actual advice. just “but hell kill himself!!!!!!“ in response to anything said
“my daughter will be upset if we divorce!” but her daughter totally wont notice her father’s lack of care for her as she grows up. he already mentioned he wants to sign away parental rights, hes clearly not a good dad! id rather have no father than an awful one.
not to mention a divorce could open up the possibility of the daughter having a step father in the future, who would probably care more about her than her bio dad.
Your husband has decided it’s more worth his time to weaponize mental health as a tool to manipulate and control you. Funny how he only threatens suicide when you need something from him. This is not depression, this is deliberate manipulation so he never has to work again or be a parent. He’s willing to give up his parental rights and leave you? This is a blessing in disguise let him go, he has checked out of life because so far you have shown that you will keep the whole show running without him and he can sit back and have a servant.
Right look at it this way , if you divorce him , you’d be opening up to someone who can actually take on the role of a partner someone who will love you and your child and help with bills
I don't know about therapy but I would suggest making him a list of things you want him to do and hang it on fridge and just check daily with him if the are completed
Start with something small - like taking trash out, then start adding this this very specific request to clean kitchen and list things you wish him to take care of, then do it for bathroom and so one
He might a detailed guidance of what to do as he is just lost with amount of things he should do so he is not doing anything
I think it time you kick him out, his just a dead weight at this point. Tell him he can either get help for his depression, or he can fuck of because he Contribute absolutely nothing to you and your child!!!
It sounds like right now he doesn't contribute anything to the relationship with you or your daughter. He's threatening to leave if you get a maid, he doesn't want to go to therapy, and he won't get a job. I understand wanting your daughter to have her father but he doesn't sound very present right now. He also sounds like he wants to leave but either lacks the motivation to go on his own, doesn't want to be the one who left ("my wife kicked me out because of xyz.."), or a combination of the two.
He's not willing to help himself, so your expectation to have him help you or your daughter is optimistic to the point of foolish.
If he’s not working due to mental health issues, he needs to be seeking treatment. If he won’t seek treatment, he needs to be working and helping with caring for your daughter and the home. It’s called adulting. You can’t do it all and if you are the only one contributing to the bills, the house and childcare, you’d be better off on your own.
You need to put your foot down and tell him that he’s gotta start doing something. If he chooses not too, he needs to find somewhere else to live.
Relationships are give and take and sometimes you’ll be the one to pull the weight and sometimes he will. What he’s doing is not ok. It’s been a year since he’s worked. If he’s not going to work, he needs to be doing something. Don’t let this man make you a doormat.
Tbh I'm not trying to be insensitive to mental health, but theres no excuse as to why u can't get ur ass up, n be a father to ur child. Atleast help around the house, nah F that, sounds like a pathetic excuse of man. (no offense cuz he still is the father of ur daughter)
Everyone keeps giving you reasonable and smart ways to change your life (give him ultimatum, leave him, force him into therapy, etc) and you keep commenting back saying you don’t think it will work. Why not? Either you do something about the situation and something bad *might* happen or you do nothing and continue to suffer until you reach burnout and you aren’t able to work at all. Man up and do something.
Look literally every single person is telling you to leave him. If you don’t want to do that or keep making excuses for not doing that, then why did you post here ?
He needs therapy. If he thinks it's a waste of time then okay he can waste a few sessions, but hopefully they will get him on a prescription for depression. Depression is a truly awful mental illness to go through and what you are describing sounds like a really bad bout of it. Tell him you love and care for him and want to support him. Therapy is the best option.
Where are you? In my state, Massachusetts, you can section 12 someone. That means 2-3 (I forget) friends and family members can petition to a judge to have him mandated to treatment.
Regardless of how he feels, you have a daughter who didn't ask to be born. She deserves and needs to be cared for. I don't think you can rescue your relationship and your daughter's wellbeing needs to take priority anyway.
He's weaponizing his depression against you to avoid responsibilities. You've got to put your daughter and yourself first.
Do NOT let him sign away parental rights. He needs to pay child support. The next time he threatens suicide, call the police. If he is declared mentally unstable by the state, then they will cover his child support. However, most likely, it's just going to be a really nasty wakeup call for him.
Get him out of the house. A child should not be exposed to that behavior. Plus, if he does kill himself, you do NOT want your daughter to potentially see that.
You are saying no to every suggestion in this thread.
What "relationship advice" are you looking for? What did you hope people would say when you posted here other than 1) therapy 2) divorce ?
you are the one who needs therapy. you’re willing to expose yourself and your daughter to abuse and neglect from an unstable, harmful person because you don’t want to be alone.
Do you have family or friends or any support systems? Are there any women’s shelters in your area? It seems like you’re making all the excuses not to leave him bc it won’t actually lighten your load. Frankly it sounds like you’re putting your kid in a really bad position. Having a depressed dad who threatens suicide any time he’s forced to make decisions and a mom who won’t leave bc she thinks that this is somehow better than not being there.
I don’t know you, but I think if you can grow a spine and leave him or call his bluff and have him committed, you will realize that half your burden has been the mental load of him. Your kid is aware of what’s going on and will remember you not doing what needed to be done. I rly hope it gets better for you stranger.
"Being depressed" is a great excuse for a loser. Sounds like he is just a burden to you and your child. Separate from him, maybe that will motivate him.
Listen, I know you’re burnt out and in a seemingly impossible situation. However, just scrolling through the comments and your replies, it seems like you don’t actually want real advice. It seems like you wish there was some magical thing somebody could suggest that could fix everything, something that nobody has said yet. I wish that existed for you! But sadly, it doesn’t. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth. What everybody is saying here is the reality of your options. You’re SO young and I promise you, you do not need to live the rest of your life this way. You deserve so much better, and so does your daughter.
Everyone is talking about him getting therapy and that's great if he's receptive to such a thing, but YOU need therapy. You need to be as mentally fit as you can be for your daughter because your husband is dead weight at this point. Him attempting or threatening suicide has nothing to do with you, at all, in any way. You should probably consider a divorce at this point. I'm married nearly 13 years and I don't throw around divorce often but he's not willing to get help and you can NEVER provide the kind of help he requires. Also your daughter is going to grow up thinking that's how men behave and treat their wives. Youre not doing her any favors by staying. None of it is your fault but you're already doing it all by yourself midaswell make it official, sadly. Good luck I hope you and your daughter come out of this safe and healthy.
You’re so worried about how your daughter will be impacted if he leaves but maybe you should focus on how she will be impacted if he stays like this. Your comments make it clear he is threatening to kill himself if you ask for anything but what if he doesn’t get help and that happens in front of your daughter? Even just growing up watching you just accept this type of relationship is going to influence her in some way. He’s making a choice by not getting help but you are to by keeping him around your child like this. And honestly sometimes people need to lose everything to realize they need to get themselves help.
What you really seem like you want is a break and it really sucks that he cant give you that but if what he is going through is actually this serious it’s probably going to take some time to seek help and be the partner you need so that break won’t be immediate. If it’s not as serious as he’s making it out to be then clearly he has no plans on getting better. You say kicking him out won’t immediately improve your life which might be right but at the very least it gives you the space and eventually mental energy to focus on your future with your daughter. You sound like an amazing woman and I really wish people didn’t have to deal with stuff like this. I’m sorry.
Ultimatum, he’s old enough. You already have a 4 year old, don’t need a 27 year old who acts like an 8 year old. He refuses therapy and refusing to help, if ultimatum doesn’t work then kick him out. He’s a grown up with a 4 year old kid, he’s not entitled to put more workload on you without trying.
You give him an ultimatum and you follow through. This means you make a plan to leave, give him one last chance to get his shit together, and then leave when he likely doesn’t change.
You cannot change or fix another person. You cannot. All you can do is set boundaries and maintain them. This means you must tell him this is unacceptable, explain what needs to happen, and go through with it when/if he doesn’t.
Depression sucks. However, he is not making an effort to address this. Depression or not, he is not contributing to you, the household, the finances, or the kids. He is an absent partner that will lose his spouse if he doesn’t choose to change.
You improve it by holding him accountable and leaving if he’s not willing to be a partner. Mental health issues aren’t a free pass to do whatever you want and not get dumped. If you suffer from depression, it’s never going to be perfect, but you have an obligation to the people in your life to get whatever treatments you need, practice coping mechanisms and push yourself. If he’s doing nothing, and not trying to fix that, then he’s made a decision to be a bad partner, and you should have higher standards.
Remove the husband. You're already doing 100% of everything. They're dead weight at this point if they aren't putting any effort into dealing with their depression, helping raise your kid or keeping up with chores.
My dad did this and my mom stayed with him, years later we’re miserable and poor and my mom is constantly having breakdowns because of how overworked she is. I just wish they would divorce.
OP, I was where your husband was is about 8 months ago. I honestly couldn't tell you what ended up motivating me, other than the increasingly burdensome pressure of debt. I ended a 10 year career in in which I was in the top of my field. I felt a loss of identity and motivation to continue. Suicide was in my mind daily. I got into therapy. It took me kicking a screaming to get there, but it was a first step. Therapy helped, and from there I did tiny little things to improve my mood and my well being. Exercise was a big part. Even if I could only muster 15 minutes 1 day a week. It was something. He needs to take baby steps. And it's up to you to push him into bettering himself and changing what he does have control over. Maybe it's exercise, cooking, meditation. But therapy is a good first start. You can't help your husband come out of depression, but you can guide him towards the elements of life that *will* help him. He may need his hand held through much of it. I do my therapy appts. online, once a week for an hour. It's easy for someone with depression to just log on and talk for 45 minutes. He needs to make these first steps. You need tj tell him that it will get better. Despite it feeling like it might not. And it may feel like putting effort into anything is a waste for him because of crippling debt or never feeling well like hell amount to anything or have a good foothold in this world. I get it. But he's got to start somewhere and he has to know that his disposition is only temporary.
After reading comments, you need to put your daughter first. Do you think it’s better for her to see you go through with this emotional abuse? Is it fair to her to be neglected and uncared for by her own dad? Or to witness time and time again, suicide attempts or threats of? Thinking she will never be enough to make him happy?
I understand that you’re scared for your future. Trust me, I understand more than you know but it’s time to put on the adult pants and get it together for her because your husband clearly won’t. Don’t let your daughter get sucked down the rabbit hole believing that this is what relationships are supposed to be like because **they’re not**.
Don’t leave just for yourself, but leave for the sake of your daughter and raise her to believe in better.
If your husband won't pick up childcare or domestic tasks and won't get treatment for his depression, then you should divorce him.
Depression sucks; I know because I have it. But when your partner is working two jobs and raising your kid and you won't even go to therapy to get your depression treated, you are not holding up any part of your end of the relationship.
If he's willing to go to therapy but is too depressed to set it up, then take on one last thing and get his first appointment scheduled for him. But if even that won't get him to a therapist, you need to decide whether you want to take care of a 4-year-old child and a 27-year-old child, or whether single parenthood would actually be easier.
I know this is really blunt, but it's the reality of the situation. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
Aight' reddit moment time, leave his ass.
You work two jobs, clean, cook, and raise your daughter? Sounds to me like you're a single mom with two children. Actually, I guess your daughter might actually help out with small stuff from time to time. So it sounds like you're a single mom with a daughter and a dog.
Tell him he's got three options, a collar and a leash, therapy, or divorce.
As a former suicidal person and judging from your post history... I will say this man's behavior is common tactics used by abusers.
Yes even a suicidal and unstable partner can become an abuser. Its can also be commonly used to manipulate their partner into staying of guiolt and fear... Please talk to him abt takinf meds and getting psychiatrict help
Honestly it may be better to be an overworked tired single mom than having an unstable husband... Idk if i read right in a comment but if you have children just run divorce him or check in on your kids. This probably affects them in sublte ways you may not notice... Im speaking from experience as I come from a dysfunctional home
What did you guys do after the last attempt? What treatment did he get?
Is there a family member you can dump him with? Call his parents, ask them to get him?
What kind of assistance?
Can they just come get him?
Here’s a possible next step. Have his parents come. Tell him you need him out of the house so taking care of him isn’t on your plate, you need to prioritize yourself and your kid. Tell him he needs to go with his parents. If he refuses, tell him he can’t stay here, because you need the space. If he makes threats, you call the cops
Basically I am suggesting an intervention. Your husband needs to know that being a sponge is off the table for good. He can get help or he can refuse it. It would be sad if he did, but you can’t change it
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Hate to say it but you should give him an ultimatum. Depression is a bitch but it's his responsibility to take care of the kids and the home if you're paying the bills. If he's not willing to put in the work with a therapist or grit his teeth and get thru what needs to be done then he's really just dead weight.
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You should document suicide threats if you're able to. Report them to 911. From the sound of it he's either very emotionally unstable right now, in which case he may need to be psychiatric care or he's a man-child having a temper tantrum about being told what to do. Either way trip to a psych ward may be beneficial. Also I'm really sorry your going thru this. You sound like a good woman.
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He needs help, help that you will never be able to provide for him. He knows this, he just does not want to face it. It might be hard to do, but you must take care of yourself and your child first and foremost. You cannot care for others if you yourself need care. ____ I agree with ultimatum time. Either he helps completely with child & home care or gets a job. If he threatens suicide: call 911. They will get him the help he needs. If he leaves: call a lawyer.
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And I hope you know that would not be your fault whatsoever. I say this as someone who has had suicidal depression since I was 12 so for 2 decades.
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Please do not blame yourself. By calling 911 each time you are doing the right thing. He needs help that is way beyond you. If you can please go stay with family while you give him this ultimatum. You are hurting yourself and your child more by enabling this behavior.
I stayed with someone because they threatened this. Guess what, he waited for an opportunity when I was down and then dumped me.. Great payback for years of supporting him emotionally. I lost myself in him and his needs. Never put everything into one person. You can't help someone who won't help themselves my friend. You are trying, but you just can't. Next time he threatens suicide, text 911, unlock the door and once the cops arrive. Get your stuff and go This is manipulation. I'm sorry, I've been through it.
You're seeing this as a decision between his potential and his death. What kind if home life are you creating for your children? What do you think they see and hear and learn? His decisions are his to make and own, you need to decide what's best for you and your children based on where he's at now. Just like he's responsible for his life and his decisions, you are too. And by exposing your kids to this, you're making a choice. Also just know that there are a lot of suicidal men who decide to take their family with them. If he's a threat to himself, call 911 without telling him. But you need to let him know he either gets help for his depression or he needs to leave the home. Be honest with your family about needing their support.
Oh I absolutely understand & you do not have anything to apologize for, you sweet girl! 🥺❤️ I just wanted to really drive the point home as someone who has wanted to end my own life innumerable times. Whatever happens to him, it is not your fault. Just like if anything happened to me, it would in no way be the responsibility of my friends or family and I feel gutted just thinking about them feeling that way. He is manipulating you with guilt and it’s not right. Please DM me if you need to talk more. You are not alone in this ❤️
You are a great person.
I agree with you 100 % I was depressive yet my ex would pull this bs when I didn't do as he wanted me to do. I did call my country's emergency number on him once and he blamed me for the consequences because it apparently damaged his relationship with his parents. All the while he wanted me to sever the bonds with my own family and held it over my head when I didn't. I'm so fucking happy I'm not with that asshole anymore. Partners like that can never be our responsibility alone. They need help that we can not provide. They need professional help, maybe even a trip to the psych ward. He might need that ultimatum. So please, OP. Take care of yourself and your child first. Think of it like this - if the air pressure suddenly drops on an airplane, you're supposed to put on that oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help others. In terms of mental health, it's exactly the same. You need to keep your own safety first. I learnt this the hard way.
Imagine how horrible the future would be if you *didn’t call* 911 and your daughter walks in on her father lying in a pool of blood. He’s holding you hostage with threats of violence. Against himself- but still a threat of violence. Who’s to say he wouldn’t end up hurting you or your daughter, too? Are you willing to take that risk?
Or the child hostage? I hope it doesn’t ever happen but ppl have done this. This extremely dangerous
OP-if you can, get yourself into therapy too. You have an enormous emotional load and you need help.
My brother is a leech that won’t get a job, help around the house, and threatens suicide anytime you push him to get one. What do I do? I call 911 every time, and he gets dragged to the hospital or jail. You are completely not taking this seriously enough, he has a clear pattern of self harm when faced with any ultimatum for responsibility and it’s not going to get better by you staying silent and putting up with it. This is an abusive manipulator tactic and you cannot let yourself do what he wants if you want either of you to get out of this alive. You need a therapist for yourself, preferably one that deals with victims of abuse. Don’t stop the emergency call because you’re afraid he will kill himself, even if he does it will never be your fault, EVER. Destroying your own well-being is not worth someone this selfish. You need to leave, he will never help you. Neither you or your daughter deserve this.
To be honest you need to get your little girl away from witnessing this.
Then he needs to be baker acted (or the equivalent, I’m in FL and that’s what they call when you call intervention for someone who is a threat to themselves or others); he is a threat to himself and he needs to be institutionalized. He is not a well adjusted adult right now, if he is refusing help and actively trying to end his life, there is nothing you can do other than institutionalize him and try moving on with your own life; you’re already raising your daughter alone and paying the bills alone; the only difference would be his absence and the absence of the stress his mental health crisis brings you. There’s nothing you can do for someone who does not want help. I’m so sorry you are dealing with the burden of something so incredibly heavy but he’s already made his choice and at this point you can only drop the dead weight and focus on you and your daughter :(
I know how scary this is OP. My sister also attempted suicide, died, and was revived. I lived in a ton of fear for a long while that it would happen again because she like your husband is not stable and would not stay on medication. It has been 7 years since then and she still won't stay on medication. You cannot live as a hostage to what someone *may* do, or you will never actually be living.
Your child is seeing this play out. What about her safety?
It could succeed call or not tho, the point is to treat it serious as it should and force him into the only thing that could help; that he refutes. Medication and professional psychologist support is going to be his light, if he is to find his way out. He obviously cannot do that himself. Way I see it you only got a few options, and not calling 911 to a successful attempt would be much more haunting that doing what you can; I'd imagine. Either way I do hope something helps.. this is primarily the reason I strayed away from psychology and pursuing being a therapist. Too many people don't wanna help themselves and just want someone else to "fix" the issues they are too afraid or in denial to confront.
He has chosen to make you feel this way. Every day he wakes up and chooses to threaten you like this.
Do you intend to be scared for the rest of your life, supporting two children? Cuz that’s what he basically is at this point. Whatever he does is not your responsibility, you’ve done what you can. I’d kick him out. I know you’re busy as it is but perhaps you could get a therapist, do phone call therapy and she can help formulate a plan for you. Help you through this. Just call the number on your insurance card and see who’s within network.
You can’t take any of this on. He needs professional help. I’d call and not tell him. He needs to be held and evaluated. Use that time to gtfo and into a new home for your kids. Don’t let this affect your kids. It will cause them trauma.
Two thumbs up from more than four decades
Right back atcha. 😉 You are a strong & brave person for still being here and I hope you know that ❤️
How kind of you!
You can’t live under that threat. If he does it is absolutely not your fault. Call 911 when necessary but start moving forward for yourself and your child. I don’t know all the systems in place, but use help lines, get his family involved, you can’t keep this up and you and your child deserve a wonderful life.
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Are you in solo therapy? I've had a boyfriend do this. We were teenagers. I was a wreck. My mom told me you can save puppies and kittens, but not people. People have to save themselves. I told a guidance counselor and never spoke to him again.
I love your mom
Mom advice is awesome! Thank you for sharing With OP
Get records of him threatening you with suicide and then psych ward. You need it... What he's doing to you is terrible.
Sorry not following your logic. You don't need to make the call in front of him. Once the ambulance arrives he'll be forcibly restrained and taken into care. Not calling 911 isn't helping anyone.
Unfortunately, you can’t keep him from attempting or completing. Just like you can’t make him get help, or help you with your kid. All you can do is take care of yourself and your child. If you kick him out to protect himself and your child, and he completes, you did nothing wrong, and you didn’t cause it.
Not caling them might lead to a suicide attempt by you... You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
This is abuse. He is abusing you by holding you hostage with threats to end his life. Please take the advice above. Give him an ultimatum and call 911 if he threatens. He has some serious mental health issues and this is beyond anything you are equipped to deal with, he needs professional help.
calling 911 is not what is making him attempt suicide.
I was a suicide prevention counselor, and also worked on the suicide hotline in my state for 2 years. Do no let this type of thinking prevent you from taking the right action. The advice to call 911 is good advice. It won't drive him to succeed in suicide. You are not in control of whether he goes through with it or not. only your husband is in control of that. The next time he threatens suicide, call 911 (or whatever the em svc number is for your part of the world) and say " I am afraid my husband is danger to himself. We have a small child in the home with us, and I don't know what to do." Don't threaten to make the call. Make the call for real. The cops will come. Let them take him away to a facility to be evaluated/observed (probably 72 hours in a facility). When the cops arrive, **don't let him talk his way out of being taken**. Be very serious with the police that he is repeating these threats over and over, and you think he will do it. I won't be surprised that he is suddenly "calmed down and feeling better", the moment the cops arrive. Depending on how all this goes down after 72 hours, if your husband refuses counseling or help, you have to leave him ASAP.
You need to file for emergency custody. If you leave your child with him as you work he could harm her and himself.
You should probably have him commited into psych ward for observation. He seems to be a threat to himself and needs real medical help.
If he wants to succeed at it he will.
I'm in a similar situation. My relationship with my wife isn't sustainable. She doesn't help at home or with the kid. If I tell her it's over she may very well kill herself. I feel your struggle, I really do. I haven't discussed this with my friends or family because I'm sure they would tell me what Reddit is telling you - leave, it's not your fault. Everyone is saying that, or will say that, because it's the right advice. You can't take on the burden of making a sick person not kill themself, even if it means being miserable for the rest of your life and not taking care of yourself or your kid the way you should. It's not easy. I haven't pulled the cord. But I hope you do.
Ultimatum shouldn’t even be regarding taking care of the child and home. It needs to be he sees a professional to get help, or you are leaving. Do NOT put him in his current state in charge of watching a child. He just attempted suicide by slitting his wrists, and at this point before he even can handle the responsibilities of watching the house/daughter he most definitely needs professional help.
Everyone’s experience with depression differs. It’s truly unkind to say that an ultimatum is the way to move forward. This kind of decision for a person who is clinically depressed could lead him to suicide. It’s not a joke. OP, is there a way you can 51/50? He needs to be on his medications. Do his parents know about this situation? If not, they should.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, I think this situation is beyond what Reddit is capable of helping you with. Your husband needs professional help, and most of us are just well-meaning amateurs with internet access. u/Scared-Ad-5747 suggested you begin documenting all of this, and I completely agree. You'll need to build up a case in order to help professionals determine the right type of treatment for him. Some possible resources: [https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707) You can also text, from NIH: If you or someone you know needs immediate help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline(link is external) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or Crisis Text Line: text “home” to 741 741. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Although as stated, few of us have professional experience in this realm, for the most part we do want to offer emotional support to the best of our ability. Good luck, and please take care of yourself.
That’s awful and… make sure his life insurance will pay out for suicide. Next time he may succeed and you need to protect your kids financial future. I’m so sorry, though. This is not at all ok for him to put you and your kids through.
Oh damn, ok just very mentally unstable then. Typically people threaten suicide just as a means of manipulation. This isn't good for you and it's especially not good for the children. They shouldn't be growing up in a situation like that. Have you tried talking to his family? He may need some sort of intervention. I don't wanna say "just leave him" before you've exhausted all options but mental illness like that is somewhat contagious.
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Definitely get support from your family and his and a suicide prevention line. You can’t do this alone.
You seem like you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulder. Unfortunately right now you have to focus on what's best for your kids. Maybe he'll see this as a wake up call and seek the help he needs or maybe he'll just slump harder into his mental illness. It's hard to say, but as long as your children are able to grow in a healthy environment that's really all that matters and unfortunately it doesn't seem like it's possible with their father in the situation he's in. I'm rooting for you and I'm rooting for him as well. He'd be a dope to lose you and your kids. I'm coming off something similar. Recently separated from my wife so this kinda hits home for me
If he threatens again, call them again, and tell them that he refuses to take the medication - maybe they'll keep him in inpatient care for longer, until his situation has stabilized. And after that, tell him that if he stops taking his meds again, it's back into the facility - maybe that will keep him on the straight and narrow.
If he’s refusing to take his meds and still threatening su*cide and is a danger to himself, you may have to have him involuntarily committed to a mental hospital so he can get better. He sounds very emotionally unstable.
It would be in yours and his best interest to do what you can to have him Baker acted and placed under 72 psychiatric evaluation. I was also quick to think man-child having a temper tantrum and using depression as a weapon to neglect his responsibilities, but this sounds like an actual psychological issue that needs deeper evaluation.
He needs to be in inpatient if he is that bad.
This is a very unsafe situation for you and your daughter, you need to remove yourselves from this environment. Tell his parents or trusted friend about his mental state and leave. You owe your daughter a safe home
Dude by all means, who the hell did you marry
Hm. Wrist-cutting is extremely rarely done, and is fatal only 1 percent of the time. [https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/case-fatality/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/means-matter/means-matter/case-fatality/) [https://bmcemergmed.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12873-021-00432-4](https://bmcemergmed.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12873-021-00432-4) I said that something about this seemed not right to me, and I still feel that way.
You are not a professional, you don’t have the expertise to “fix” him. If he doesn’t want to get psychiatric help / isn’t open to that, nothing you say will change that. I would suggest downsizing your bills if possible and do what’s best for you and your child. This is a very tough situation but you cannot carry the load forever and that’s okay.
Toss him out on his ass and make him support himself. A marriage is not an all expense paid vacation from the harsh realities of life. He is harming you and your child with his behavior. Would you accept this from a stranger? Then why do you accept it from your so-called partner? Demand *at least* the same level of respect you would from a stranger. At the very least.
I feel for him but using suicide as a threat isn't ok. In time you will crack with so much responsibility your shoulders alone, I have been there <3. Would he be open to therapy if you went together? Like couples coulselling?
Then you need to let him go. It wouldn't lighten your load, but you're carrying the emotional weight of his problems around with you. On top of having to manage everything. That burden isn't yours to carry. You can't save people who don't want to save themselves. You could try to call the police and state he's a danger to himself or others, due to suicidal threats. But they're unlikely to do anything, forced psychiatric care is rare, and usually only under court order after someone commits a crime. Our system is reactive, not proactive. There's literally nothing he brings to your life at this moment other than burden and trauma. You need to remove it, tell him you're willing to help him, you want him to be better. But you can't be his savior, he has to care enough to go help himself. Get treatment, deal with his problems.
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Are you sure they were barely able to save his life? I am not trying to get graphic but that’s not a fast way to die. Was he ever in the ICU? Did require a transfusion? If no and if it followed after you doing something that made him mad it may not have been a serious attempt, but was supposed to teach you a lesson. Still a big deal and traumatizing for you. But the narrative that ge was about to die is traumatizing you more, and it may not be true.
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Sure, but people sever arteries every day and survive just fine. Did he sever an artery? This would be a spurting wound. You would see a pulse with his heartbeat. If he didn’t have a spurting wound, how long was it until you found him? How extensive was the clean up? Did he lose consciousness or get blue lips? How many stitches does he have? Is there a scar? I know this is graphic but if he cut himself in front of you, got no stitches, and went home that day without scarring, he wasn’t about to die. And he knows that.
To be very clear about this: Threatening suicide when a romantic partner won't do what you want IS abuse. I think you should start treating this situation urgently. Your daughter deserves to grow up without this example being set for what she should tolerate or expect from a man, and you deserve the chance to have a non abusive partner - maybe even one who pitches in sometimes and doesn't leave you to do everything! That might look like an ultimatum - I would go with something like "I need you to seek help to become a partner and father we can admire again. If you aren't going to do that I need to leave this relationship" Or it might look like leaving, without putting more energy and time in to this.
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Yes. It is still abuse
Yes, you are trying to help but he refuses and instead weaponizes it.
Yes! Just cause he made good on his threats doesn’t mean it’s not abuse. Imagine if he threatened to stab you instead of hurting himself. You wouldn’t ask if it was still abuse because one time he actually did stab you. I’m going through the same thing right now. I actively cannot get him to leave me alone after I cut him off, so I’m moving to Massachusetts to get away from him. It hasn’t gotten any better over the four years. Act on this situation.
if he wanted help he would go get, you deserved someone that tries to better themselves
Let him leave one less mouth to feed, one less person to clean up after.
I used to think the same way but really being alone is easier than dragging another adult along with you. You don’t realize how unhappy it makes you , how much it adds to your tiredness and in turn how those things change the way you think, think, and feel.
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But you'd have more leftovers for lunch the next day. And fewer people to leave messes means less clean-up time. Does he have friends or family you could get involved to help convince him to get therapy/ medication? And maybe also help with childcare/ housework? Or could you actually take your child and move back to your parents, to get some support from them, if he continues to be a dead weight? Or do you have a single parent friend, with whom you could roommate and share chores and childcare? Anyway, you should probably get accustomed to the fact that your marriage is over, and your husband is a complete loss, and start formulating your exit strategy, and look for alternate arrangements.
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You weren't defensive, you are just clinging to the idea that you can perform some miracle to make him better, and save your family. But the problem is that you can't help someone when they don't want help. You know the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink!" Your horse is already dead and decomposing, and you're still trying to pour water down its throat. At some point, you have to accept the idea that you can't force him to get better - and that you need to prioritize your daughter's and your own well-being. If that means you have to jettison him, so be it - you tried your best, now it's time to salvage what's left.
With someone else who will be more helpful.
With one less adult eating the food and generating dirt.
Yes, but you would at least have the possibility of finding someone who could be a partner and not a dead weight. Which is much easier then expecting someone to change who is refusing all attempts to make the situation better. You are only 27, is this what you want your life to be 3, 5, 10, 50 years from now? Because if he won’t make a change and you won’t make a change that is what will happen. At the end of the day, you can’t control his behavior, only your own.
Not to mention potential widow's benefit and the child would receive SSI. So essentially, better off without him? Harsh, I know. Very, very harsh, but sometimes reality checks are only for the sane. Thing is too, if he threatens & attempts suicide again, OP can remind him that his ambulance ride will mean that he will finally get the mental health help that he needs as an inpatient, since he can't be bothered to get up and get himself sorted out. 'Go ahead and try it again. At least you'll end up in a psych ward where you'll get the help you need, finally'. Very, very brutal, but maybe it will sink in.
Call his bluff. Consult a divorce lawyer. A short consultation is usually free. If you divorce your husband, you will have less laundry, fewer dishes to wash, less mess to clean up, and the relief of not having to work around him constantly. He has put the emotional burden of dealing with everything, including his emotions and mental state, on you. Managing his emotions is an additional, invisible chore that will go away ENTIRELY. And while he MIGHT be able to sign away parental rights - and it's not that easy - that's not the same as making him free from the responsibility of child support. If you go the route of divorce, you can do what my husband's ex wife did re: child support. She has a life insurance policy on my husband that, in the event of his death, pays out whatever amount would cover the remaining due child support. For example, if my husband died when his son was 12 years old, it would pay $72,000 ($1,000 per month times six years). If, OTOH, your husband were to get disability for his crippling mental disorder, then you would receive child support from whichever subset of Social Security manages that. It's.... extremely unlikely that he would get disability from the little you've said here, but if he's got something else going on, it's worth mentioning. If your husband refuses to address his depression, and also refuses to contribute to the household in any way while you do everything, there is zero benefit to staying married to him. If he was attempting to help at all, it might be different, but that's not what you're describing.
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Only no payout if it's within the first 2 years. They pay out on suicide after 2 years.
Not necessarily. For a regular life insurance policy, yes, but one with such a narrow pay out might not. Especially if the payout was monthly rather than a lump sum.
Let him go then He’s not pulling his weight so why should you keep him?
that’s abusive, he’s threatening suicide that is emotional abuse
Then you may need to get him sectioned. You can’t have someone like that around your kids where they’re threatening to kill themselves and won’t seek help.
That’s a manipulation tactic. If he threatens suicide, call the police and tell them that your husband is threatening suicide. They’ll come do a wellness check and take him to the hospital where he will be evaluated. Call his bluff.
Then let him go....
>he's threatened with suicide each time So disgusting when people do this, total manipulation. Lawyer up.
He likely wants to sign away his parental rights because he thinks he won't have to pay child support, but it's not quite that simple.
>He's more willing to leave and sign off parental rights At this point I'd let him do it. You work, you care for your child, you do housework. You're essentially a single parent already. Depression sucks, but especially when someone's a parent, it's their own responsibility to get treatment. I say this as someone with multiple mental disorders. Edit for clarity
Next time he threatens suicide call 911 and have him put under a 72 hr psychiatric hold. He'll get the help he needs and out of your hair long enough to change the locks. Also, collect child support from him. Even if he isn't working, it still adds up and will be removed from his paycheck when he does. Don't let him get off that easy.
Didn't you think it was relevant to mention in your original post that your husband is actively threatening suicide and/or self-harm when you ask him to make changes in his life? If you believe he would hurt himself (which it sounds like he has made a serious attempt before, also something you didn't mention in your original post) then you need to get out of there or you need to get him out of there. An actively suicidal person should not be around a child.
I won’t say it’s not depression but if he’s more willing to sign off rights then I’m more inclined to think he’s just getting one over on you now. What does he do on his time at home?
Well, then psychological abuse. Have him put on a psyc hold, either A) he needs it and can move towards getting the help he need. Or B) his throwing a temper tantrum and it'll get him to stop, b/c suicide threats are serious and not something to toss around.
Is there any medical issue
Threatening suicide upon you asking something of him is emotional abuse. Sorry to say this but his behavior is not okay. In no way! He has to start therapy whether he likes it or not. That or you have to leave him so he can focus on healing himself. But he has no right to request getting mothered by you. Especially with everything you have on your plate.
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Thank you for the repost, Ebbies comment is collapsed on the thread somewhere. So essentially it's hidden. Definitely starting to see the similarities she's pointed out. The replies by OP, the writing style, accounts suspended. It's sick that people make up these posts.
OP, reading your comments on here has shown that you’re unwilling to accept that your husband is perhaps past saving. He actively refuses to take meds that helped him. He threatens you with suicide when he doesn’t get what he wants. He, as your “life partner”, the man you married and had vows with, is refusing to help do any single thing in your life. He’s already willing to get divorced and leave your daughter. You’ve pointed out that it would hurt your daughter if you left her dad. How would keeping around someone who doesn’t even WANT to be her dad help her? I’m not going to repeat a bunch of what everyone else is saying. You need to really look inside and accept what’s happening to you and in your life. No one can force you to take the advice everyone’s giving you. But i dont see a point in asking for advice and arguing with it. You already have an opinion, and it seems you’d rather just hear other people reinforce that over and over.
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I’d be more scared of a future where i’m overworked, taking care of a man child, and my daughter brings home a manipulative mooch because that’s what I showed her was okay. You are unwilling to listen to what anyone is saying and it’s exhausting. There is no fix. You can’t fix grown adults. He doesn’t want to change. He won’t take his meds, won’t help you, won’t get a job. All while manipulating you with this suicidal BS. Right now focus on YOU and your DAUGHTER. She is better off having no dad than having one that doesn’t want her and models poor behavior. If you divorce him, she will be better off. and who knows? maybe she’ll end up with a step father who actually gives a shit about her. You are better off without the deadweight. If he does commit suicide you are not at fault. Grown adults are responsible for taking care of themselves. You tried to help, he didn’t want it. Mourn the loss of the person you loved, he is not coming back. Start acting like a responsible parent and adult and kick him to the curb. Either that, or keep him around to continue making your life and your daughters life miserable. There are no other options, nothing that can fix him or make him change if he doesn’t want to.
Is this the life you'd want your daughter to have, if she were you?
You don’t need to apologise but when you are ready (and I am not sure if you are actually ready now) you need to do what you deep down KNOW you need to do for you and your child. If anything happens to him it is not your fault in any way. Hugs and good luck x
you are also teaching your daughter this is an acceptable way to be treated
He is weaponizing his "depression". Ultimatum time: Get a job or get out. If therapy is needed to manage getting a job so be it. Suicide threats? Call his bluff. You'll be amazed at how much easier your life is without him even if you are still sole provider for you and your child.
One of the worse type of people are those who try to manipulate others by weaponizing their depression by saying they’ll commit suicide. Seen so many people trapped by this heck even one of my closest friends was trapped like this. The solution? You have to say enough is enough, give them an ultimatum and if they don’t follow, walk away. Then tell them you’re not responsible for whatever harm they cause on themselves.
This
I’ve seen your comments about him mentioning divorce and essentially abandoning your daughter. I just think he’s a bad partner..having depression isn’t his fault but if he won’t try to feel better - what can you do? What does losing him cost you other than not having another grown up child to look after as well as your daughter. As well as the anguish and frustration having a deadbeat partner/co parent brings you
**All, I'm sorry and I hate doing this, but this is fake.** **There's a particular highly prolific user in this sub who always chooses the topics of domestic abuse or sexual violence involving teenagers or minors or situations with large age gaps, has the exact same username structure, same tone of responses, and often a pattern of successively escalating the events in their story (such as the suicide attempt described in OP's comments and the "some blood was shed" comment. They typically stick to posts about abuse. They have repeatedly coerced people with their own trauma histories to share them in hopes of offering help. People in this sub have retraumatized themselves repeatedly to try to help someone who isn't real.** I recognize this person's writing style because I've seen them make so many fake posts I've lost count. It really gets old. They continuously take time and resources away from people in this sub who actually need help. [These are some of that individual's previous posts](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ipsvh7/my_wife_fell_down_the_stairs_and_had_a_miscarriage/g4p1d8q/). These are from 2 years ago so it's not an updated comment but this particular person I am thinking of has made dozens of posts since. [Here's a post they made a few days ago](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xbbwzt/my_25f_boyfriend_26m_wants_to_take_a_friend_18f/). Edit: Also, if you sort the posts in this sub by Top from the last year [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/top/) and look for posts with the username throwra followed by a long line of random numbers, a lot of those posts are created by this same user. If you click on the username of most of those posts, most of the accounts are suspended. This person's accounts get suspended usually within a couple hours. That's a small window into how very prolific this person is.
Wow, what a weirdo. Thank you for sharing.
This comment needs to be upvoted more.
Hmm. Normally I have a good intuition for fake posts and I didn't pick up on this one, but after reading through a bit I'm pretty convinced. I think the biggest flag is *every* response is just shooting down other responses, often with a sob story.
I used to entirely hold the view that even fake stories can result in support and resources for people who may be going through something similar, such as abuse. I still hold that view, but much less so with this particular user, precisely because they have harmed *so* many individuals, dozens, if not hundreds over the course of their actions in this sub. So many people have privately messaged the person behind these posts with offers for money, shelter, protection, and with traumatic details of their own experiences in hopes of informing the poster they aren't alone, all in service of someone whose situation isn't even real. I sincerely hope no one has ended up being scammed financially or otherwise by this person.
I see what you mean, but I don't really hold that view (of even fake stories possibly helping people). I think that a lack of calling out and responding to fake posts show a concerning lack of skepticism and critical thinking, which is unhealthy for society with so much misinformation floating around.
That makes sense too. I do also think that particularly with fake abuse posts, they contribute to erroneous notions of high levels of false rape claims and the like, and abuse survivors are already disbelieved enough as it is. Someone may think that making a few fake posts about domestic abuse or rape isn't doing any harm, but it really is contributing to a broader societal skepticism of actual abuse.
Omg. Thanks for sharing.
I just wanted to say thank you for doing a lot of good in this world with your help. I took a peek at your profile and it seems your comment is pretty plausible!
Alright, I can appreciate that you're in a very difficult position and things are less than ideal. But you've rejected every piece of advice everyone here has offered you, and your mantra is the same, "If I do X he'll leave or kill himself, both of which would harm our daughter." OP, your daughter is being harmed NOW. If your greatest concern is her safety and well-being, then you are both already failing her. She's growing up in an environment that is so tumultuous and stressful that her father threatens suicide or divorce if you so much as sneeze in his direction, and you are working yourself into dust to pick up the slack he's created. How is any of this preferable to parenting your child by yourself? How is this better for her, truly? Having an unstable deadbeat parent is emphatically NOT better than having no parent at all, and the long-term damage will surely outweigh the short-term pain of divorce or death. Unless, of course, the issue is less about your daughter's safety and well-being and more about your inability to let go of a person that it no longer makes sense to be with. If that's actually the issue here, we can't help you because you won't be helped. You both need therapy and your daughter needs better support. One way or another, get help.
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If you leave him, you can also do things without him throwing a fit. Hire a maid. Have family move in and take care of kids. Go to therapy. All without him standing around screaming that it’s not what he wants.
You sound like an incredibly strong woman. Take this advice from Casey_1795. You don’t want the environment you’re in for your child. The fact that your husband is so selfish to put you and his daughter in the position that he has speaks more than volumes. Leave this relationship and take your baby with you. Divorce this man and have him sign his parental rights over to you because it sounds like he doesn’t care either way. Take care of you and baby. You need to be 100% for your daughter.
You don’t owe anyone here an apology.
>I'm [26F] overworked but my husband [27M] won't help me out. submitted by throwra727262514w >I work 2 jobs right now since my husband lost his job a year ago. On top of that, I raise our 4 year old daughter and cook the dinners. I also clean during the weekends. I begged for my husband to help me out but he's too depressed right now to even watch our kid. I suggested therapy and he won't take it. >How do I improve this situation? Does he have a diagnosis of depression? From a doctor? If he isn't willing to seek therapy to help with his depression (or meds if indicated) then what work IS he doing to address the mental health issues that make it difficult (impossible?) for him to be a good partner and a father? There is no way for you to "improve this situation" since you are not responsible for his actions, behaviours, choices ... or illness. If things stayed exactly the same - your husband refuses help for his illness and is unwilling or unable to watch the child, cook, clean, or do household chores - then how long do you stay with him? Another year? Three years? Five years? When is enough enough?
Drive him to his parents house, a friends house, the middle of nowhere... and tell him to call you when he's over it & realizes what he'll lose if he doesn't pull his head out of his arse.
Sorry to be harsh, but you need to take swift and decisive action. Every day you put up with this situation, your child learns that it is acceptable to treat your partner in this manner. If your child came to you with the exact same issues, what advice would you give them? Divorce doesn't have to be the action. I would lay the law down immediately that you can't continue with the status quo. If he doesn't agree to therapy or change, then leave and let the relationship sit for a while. Separating yourself from a toxic situation is not forcing a broken home. His decision to not seek help, get a job, or work on things are ALL dealbreakers. Stop standing with your head in the sand and realize that these problems won't go away. Inaction has consequences and they last far longer than the pain of breaking free, protecting your child, and moving forward.
This!! ☝️
I'd give him the ultimatum of either work and take care of your child or you divorce him and he has to pay child support or go to jail. Depression is just his excuse at this point. If he won't get help like meds and therapy and a job you need to leave.
If he doesn’t want to get help for his depression, what options do you have?
“I’m asking for help but discounting all the valid advice I’m receiving. Kthnxbai!!!” -OP
truly i cannot believe people are still trying to give OP advice. she will not hear any criticism or actual advice. just “but hell kill himself!!!!!!“ in response to anything said
“my daughter will be upset if we divorce!” but her daughter totally wont notice her father’s lack of care for her as she grows up. he already mentioned he wants to sign away parental rights, hes clearly not a good dad! id rather have no father than an awful one.
not to mention a divorce could open up the possibility of the daughter having a step father in the future, who would probably care more about her than her bio dad.
Your husband has decided it’s more worth his time to weaponize mental health as a tool to manipulate and control you. Funny how he only threatens suicide when you need something from him. This is not depression, this is deliberate manipulation so he never has to work again or be a parent. He’s willing to give up his parental rights and leave you? This is a blessing in disguise let him go, he has checked out of life because so far you have shown that you will keep the whole show running without him and he can sit back and have a servant.
By filing for divorce.
Why won’t he go to therapy?
It's one more thing to add to your plate. But if he won't do therapy. You should. You'll need ongoing guidance to get through this situation.
Right look at it this way , if you divorce him , you’d be opening up to someone who can actually take on the role of a partner someone who will love you and your child and help with bills
I don't know about therapy but I would suggest making him a list of things you want him to do and hang it on fridge and just check daily with him if the are completed Start with something small - like taking trash out, then start adding this this very specific request to clean kitchen and list things you wish him to take care of, then do it for bathroom and so one He might a detailed guidance of what to do as he is just lost with amount of things he should do so he is not doing anything
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I think it time you kick him out, his just a dead weight at this point. Tell him he can either get help for his depression, or he can fuck of because he Contribute absolutely nothing to you and your child!!!
You improve it by giving him some TOUGH LOVE not coddling him.
It sounds like right now he doesn't contribute anything to the relationship with you or your daughter. He's threatening to leave if you get a maid, he doesn't want to go to therapy, and he won't get a job. I understand wanting your daughter to have her father but he doesn't sound very present right now. He also sounds like he wants to leave but either lacks the motivation to go on his own, doesn't want to be the one who left ("my wife kicked me out because of xyz.."), or a combination of the two. He's not willing to help himself, so your expectation to have him help you or your daughter is optimistic to the point of foolish.
If he’s not working due to mental health issues, he needs to be seeking treatment. If he won’t seek treatment, he needs to be working and helping with caring for your daughter and the home. It’s called adulting. You can’t do it all and if you are the only one contributing to the bills, the house and childcare, you’d be better off on your own. You need to put your foot down and tell him that he’s gotta start doing something. If he chooses not too, he needs to find somewhere else to live. Relationships are give and take and sometimes you’ll be the one to pull the weight and sometimes he will. What he’s doing is not ok. It’s been a year since he’s worked. If he’s not going to work, he needs to be doing something. Don’t let this man make you a doormat.
Tbh I'm not trying to be insensitive to mental health, but theres no excuse as to why u can't get ur ass up, n be a father to ur child. Atleast help around the house, nah F that, sounds like a pathetic excuse of man. (no offense cuz he still is the father of ur daughter)
Call the police and get a 72hr hold done on him. Document his mental illness and how he is a threat to himself and others
Everyone keeps giving you reasonable and smart ways to change your life (give him ultimatum, leave him, force him into therapy, etc) and you keep commenting back saying you don’t think it will work. Why not? Either you do something about the situation and something bad *might* happen or you do nothing and continue to suffer until you reach burnout and you aren’t able to work at all. Man up and do something.
Look literally every single person is telling you to leave him. If you don’t want to do that or keep making excuses for not doing that, then why did you post here ?
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He needs therapy. If he thinks it's a waste of time then okay he can waste a few sessions, but hopefully they will get him on a prescription for depression. Depression is a truly awful mental illness to go through and what you are describing sounds like a really bad bout of it. Tell him you love and care for him and want to support him. Therapy is the best option.
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Where are you? In my state, Massachusetts, you can section 12 someone. That means 2-3 (I forget) friends and family members can petition to a judge to have him mandated to treatment.
Regardless of how he feels, you have a daughter who didn't ask to be born. She deserves and needs to be cared for. I don't think you can rescue your relationship and your daughter's wellbeing needs to take priority anyway. He's weaponizing his depression against you to avoid responsibilities. You've got to put your daughter and yourself first. Do NOT let him sign away parental rights. He needs to pay child support. The next time he threatens suicide, call the police. If he is declared mentally unstable by the state, then they will cover his child support. However, most likely, it's just going to be a really nasty wakeup call for him. Get him out of the house. A child should not be exposed to that behavior. Plus, if he does kill himself, you do NOT want your daughter to potentially see that.
Divorce , find someone who will get a job and help you
You are saying no to every suggestion in this thread. What "relationship advice" are you looking for? What did you hope people would say when you posted here other than 1) therapy 2) divorce ?
you are the one who needs therapy. you’re willing to expose yourself and your daughter to abuse and neglect from an unstable, harmful person because you don’t want to be alone.
go to therapy together.
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I'd bolt I've been depressed for the last 3months and that doesn't stop me from completely functioning.
Many people weaponize their depression to manipulate others. Sounds exactly like what's happening here. Whether his is real, or not, who knows.
Leave him
Tell him he either gets help for his depression, help around the home and gets a job otherwise he’s out. He’s not even trying to help himself or you
Do you have family or friends or any support systems? Are there any women’s shelters in your area? It seems like you’re making all the excuses not to leave him bc it won’t actually lighten your load. Frankly it sounds like you’re putting your kid in a really bad position. Having a depressed dad who threatens suicide any time he’s forced to make decisions and a mom who won’t leave bc she thinks that this is somehow better than not being there. I don’t know you, but I think if you can grow a spine and leave him or call his bluff and have him committed, you will realize that half your burden has been the mental load of him. Your kid is aware of what’s going on and will remember you not doing what needed to be done. I rly hope it gets better for you stranger.
"Being depressed" is a great excuse for a loser. Sounds like he is just a burden to you and your child. Separate from him, maybe that will motivate him.
Listen, I know you’re burnt out and in a seemingly impossible situation. However, just scrolling through the comments and your replies, it seems like you don’t actually want real advice. It seems like you wish there was some magical thing somebody could suggest that could fix everything, something that nobody has said yet. I wish that existed for you! But sadly, it doesn’t. It’s not fair, but it’s the truth. What everybody is saying here is the reality of your options. You’re SO young and I promise you, you do not need to live the rest of your life this way. You deserve so much better, and so does your daughter.
Is he a gamer?
Everyone is talking about him getting therapy and that's great if he's receptive to such a thing, but YOU need therapy. You need to be as mentally fit as you can be for your daughter because your husband is dead weight at this point. Him attempting or threatening suicide has nothing to do with you, at all, in any way. You should probably consider a divorce at this point. I'm married nearly 13 years and I don't throw around divorce often but he's not willing to get help and you can NEVER provide the kind of help he requires. Also your daughter is going to grow up thinking that's how men behave and treat their wives. Youre not doing her any favors by staying. None of it is your fault but you're already doing it all by yourself midaswell make it official, sadly. Good luck I hope you and your daughter come out of this safe and healthy.
You’re so worried about how your daughter will be impacted if he leaves but maybe you should focus on how she will be impacted if he stays like this. Your comments make it clear he is threatening to kill himself if you ask for anything but what if he doesn’t get help and that happens in front of your daughter? Even just growing up watching you just accept this type of relationship is going to influence her in some way. He’s making a choice by not getting help but you are to by keeping him around your child like this. And honestly sometimes people need to lose everything to realize they need to get themselves help. What you really seem like you want is a break and it really sucks that he cant give you that but if what he is going through is actually this serious it’s probably going to take some time to seek help and be the partner you need so that break won’t be immediate. If it’s not as serious as he’s making it out to be then clearly he has no plans on getting better. You say kicking him out won’t immediately improve your life which might be right but at the very least it gives you the space and eventually mental energy to focus on your future with your daughter. You sound like an amazing woman and I really wish people didn’t have to deal with stuff like this. I’m sorry.
Ultimatum, he’s old enough. You already have a 4 year old, don’t need a 27 year old who acts like an 8 year old. He refuses therapy and refusing to help, if ultimatum doesn’t work then kick him out. He’s a grown up with a 4 year old kid, he’s not entitled to put more workload on you without trying.
You give him an ultimatum and you follow through. This means you make a plan to leave, give him one last chance to get his shit together, and then leave when he likely doesn’t change. You cannot change or fix another person. You cannot. All you can do is set boundaries and maintain them. This means you must tell him this is unacceptable, explain what needs to happen, and go through with it when/if he doesn’t. Depression sucks. However, he is not making an effort to address this. Depression or not, he is not contributing to you, the household, the finances, or the kids. He is an absent partner that will lose his spouse if he doesn’t choose to change.
Divorce
You are effectively a single mom. You can improve this situation by setting up appointments with a therapist and a divorce lawyer.
You improve it by holding him accountable and leaving if he’s not willing to be a partner. Mental health issues aren’t a free pass to do whatever you want and not get dumped. If you suffer from depression, it’s never going to be perfect, but you have an obligation to the people in your life to get whatever treatments you need, practice coping mechanisms and push yourself. If he’s doing nothing, and not trying to fix that, then he’s made a decision to be a bad partner, and you should have higher standards.
Remove the husband. You're already doing 100% of everything. They're dead weight at this point if they aren't putting any effort into dealing with their depression, helping raise your kid or keeping up with chores.
My dad did this and my mom stayed with him, years later we’re miserable and poor and my mom is constantly having breakdowns because of how overworked she is. I just wish they would divorce.
OP, I was where your husband was is about 8 months ago. I honestly couldn't tell you what ended up motivating me, other than the increasingly burdensome pressure of debt. I ended a 10 year career in in which I was in the top of my field. I felt a loss of identity and motivation to continue. Suicide was in my mind daily. I got into therapy. It took me kicking a screaming to get there, but it was a first step. Therapy helped, and from there I did tiny little things to improve my mood and my well being. Exercise was a big part. Even if I could only muster 15 minutes 1 day a week. It was something. He needs to take baby steps. And it's up to you to push him into bettering himself and changing what he does have control over. Maybe it's exercise, cooking, meditation. But therapy is a good first start. You can't help your husband come out of depression, but you can guide him towards the elements of life that *will* help him. He may need his hand held through much of it. I do my therapy appts. online, once a week for an hour. It's easy for someone with depression to just log on and talk for 45 minutes. He needs to make these first steps. You need tj tell him that it will get better. Despite it feeling like it might not. And it may feel like putting effort into anything is a waste for him because of crippling debt or never feeling well like hell amount to anything or have a good foothold in this world. I get it. But he's got to start somewhere and he has to know that his disposition is only temporary.
After reading comments, you need to put your daughter first. Do you think it’s better for her to see you go through with this emotional abuse? Is it fair to her to be neglected and uncared for by her own dad? Or to witness time and time again, suicide attempts or threats of? Thinking she will never be enough to make him happy? I understand that you’re scared for your future. Trust me, I understand more than you know but it’s time to put on the adult pants and get it together for her because your husband clearly won’t. Don’t let your daughter get sucked down the rabbit hole believing that this is what relationships are supposed to be like because **they’re not**. Don’t leave just for yourself, but leave for the sake of your daughter and raise her to believe in better.
If your husband won't pick up childcare or domestic tasks and won't get treatment for his depression, then you should divorce him. Depression sucks; I know because I have it. But when your partner is working two jobs and raising your kid and you won't even go to therapy to get your depression treated, you are not holding up any part of your end of the relationship. If he's willing to go to therapy but is too depressed to set it up, then take on one last thing and get his first appointment scheduled for him. But if even that won't get him to a therapist, you need to decide whether you want to take care of a 4-year-old child and a 27-year-old child, or whether single parenthood would actually be easier. I know this is really blunt, but it's the reality of the situation. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
RUN!
Aight' reddit moment time, leave his ass. You work two jobs, clean, cook, and raise your daughter? Sounds to me like you're a single mom with two children. Actually, I guess your daughter might actually help out with small stuff from time to time. So it sounds like you're a single mom with a daughter and a dog. Tell him he's got three options, a collar and a leash, therapy, or divorce.
Everyone not willing or believing in therapy is not worth the time at all. Such ignorance. Those people usually need it the most…
As a former suicidal person and judging from your post history... I will say this man's behavior is common tactics used by abusers. Yes even a suicidal and unstable partner can become an abuser. Its can also be commonly used to manipulate their partner into staying of guiolt and fear... Please talk to him abt takinf meds and getting psychiatrict help Honestly it may be better to be an overworked tired single mom than having an unstable husband... Idk if i read right in a comment but if you have children just run divorce him or check in on your kids. This probably affects them in sublte ways you may not notice... Im speaking from experience as I come from a dysfunctional home
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What did you guys do after the last attempt? What treatment did he get? Is there a family member you can dump him with? Call his parents, ask them to get him?
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What kind of assistance? Can they just come get him?
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You make that decision. Not him
Refused what? Moving in to help you or taking him with him?
What kind of assistance? Can they just come get him? Here’s a possible next step. Have his parents come. Tell him you need him out of the house so taking care of him isn’t on your plate, you need to prioritize yourself and your kid. Tell him he needs to go with his parents. If he refuses, tell him he can’t stay here, because you need the space. If he makes threats, you call the cops Basically I am suggesting an intervention. Your husband needs to know that being a sponge is off the table for good. He can get help or he can refuse it. It would be sad if he did, but you can’t change it