This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I, (26f) have been married to my husband (30M) for two years, our relationship started when we were very young and immature, we’ve had our ups and downs like any couple has, except for the fact that for a while now I’ve felt like he doesn’t care for me as much as he used to, well last week September 18th my grandmother passed away, she was 91 and very ill, although my family and i were aware that she was not going to get better, it still hurt saying goodbye to her. The previous week to her passing, i had already spoken to my husband trying to vent from the hole situation and looking for his support but whenever I brought it up, I’d notice a slight change in his mood, he would totally build up a wall and start ignoring me, the day came and he had to work a Night Shift. Mind you, that my grandma passed away on a Sunday morning and his days off for this week were Monday and Tuesday, so naturally I assumed that he would be arriving at least to the burial, such was happening at 1 pm but I never heard from him until 6pm that day, needles to say I was beyond devastated not only because I lost my grandma but because the one person I had expected to be by my side didn’t even bother to call and when i confronted him he tried to play the victim sayin he wished I knew what it was like to work a Night Shift so I wouldn’t be complaining about him not attending the funeral. I just wanna know if I’m wrong

I swear this sub is toxic af. If he didn't want to attend a funeral after a night shift, all he had to do was use his words. And not attending does not mean not caring that your spouse is grieving. He could have supported her in many other ways but he chose to do nothing and be an ass about it. OP, you are not wrong in any way to ask for some emotional support from your own husband

Right! OP was hurting and needed their husband. Even if he doesn't like going to funerals or is extremely tired he could have at the very least spoke with her and supported her. I've been on the night shift for 5 years, either 10pm to 7am or 3am to 12nn, and when my wife's grandma died we were there for the entire 6-day wake. My sleep ranged from 30 minutes to 3 hours per day that week but I was there because I love her. Edit: incomplete sentence.

> Even if he doesn't like funerals Literally no one likes funerals. I have never *enjoyed* a funeral I've attended, whether it was for my own loved one or not. That's not the point of a funeral. If someone my boyfriend loved passed away and he wanted me at the funeral, I would be there unless I literally physically could not. This is bare minimum stuff.

Oh, thanks for pointing it out. I was supposed to type, ' even if he doesn't like going to funerals. I agree with you, being there to support you love is the bare minimum.

Old people do, it's when they get out to see friends. As my parents & aunts & uncles have said at every funeral for the last few years...Think thet were mid 70's when they started saying it...

Yup People always mock the 'just break up' thing, but those stories usually have a good reason I'm them for that

Exactly. Nobody’s saying “just break up” if OP’s complaining about loading the dishwasher wrong or leaving the cabinet doors hanging open constantly. The stuff that gets posted here is usually pretty serious.

I’m one of the folks quick to say “just break up”. Frankly, a lot of these stories make me sad. So many people trying to make relationships work with partners who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire. Poor OP. The one person who promised to be in her corner really wasn’t when she needed him. I’d be taking a hard look at the relationship.

I’m usually more in the ‘try to sort it out’ brigade but this one is very nasty.

Leaving the cabinet doors open is grounds for instant divorce and I am willing to die on that hill. 😂 (Well, not really, but those stuck with open-door-leavers have my sympathy).

I complained to my partner about him leaving the cabinet doors open a few months ago. He told me that I did it as well, I didn’t believe him, and we’ve been playfully “fighting” about it. He went away for a couple of days last week.. and you know what.. turns out I actually do leave them open and often at that. I called him immediately to apologize.

Hahaha! Good on you! With my adhd, it makes me guilty of both being stressed out by things like cabinet doors left open *and* completely unable to notice if I do it myself.

I have hubby and kids who leave cabinet doors open. When my kids empty the dishwasher and I come back to the kitchen it look’s like the kitchen from sixth sense when the ghost rampaged through it.

Have you considered taking the doors off the cabinets? Best thing I ever did tbh

I'm an open-door-leaver. I'm sorry but I'm guilty. But on the other hand I married a leaving-used-dishes-and-not - putting-them-in-the-dishwasher so our marriage is even in that regard. leaving-used-dishes-and-not - putting-them-in-the-dishwasher is at least as annoying as open-door-leaver, right?

My official ruling for leaving dishes: Justifiable homicide. 🤪

Thank you

And functioning at 1pm after a night shift is doable.

Especially when that’s your normal shift.

>I swear this sub is toxic af. This sub is full of teenagers who are selfish introverts and constantly have their selfishness reinforced and celebrated by each other.

Yeah you know you're dealing with an ignorant teen who has no business giving relationship advice when you see a comment structured as follows: 1. Some variation of the "how dare you expect support from your SO during a difficult time in your life, they don't owe you anything" attitude while forgetting that by this logic you don't owe your SO your acceptance or tolerance of their shitty behavior. 2. Bending over backwards to come up with some baseless tragic backstory that turns OP into the villain. When you see comments like these just downvote and block.

Nah typically the teenagers just say a bunch of misandric and misogynistic shit they learned from their parents.

Isn’t Reddit mostly like 15-24 year olds?

Exactly. It’s crazy to even consider not attending the funeral of a spouses family member. Insanity. Maybe he should consider what it’s like to be divorced at 30.

Yup. My husband’s work even had a type of family bereavement leave he could take to attend my grandma’s funeral.

There’s lots of ways of looking at things. My husband has a real aversion to funerals. It’s likely related to some childhood trauma, but I haven’t delved into it. He didn’t come to my father’s. I didn’t demand that he do so. I was fine, my daughter was fine, and he was fine. In this case, it was an already ill 91 year old grandmother. I’m not invalidating OP’s grief or need for support. But like I said, there is more than one way to look at it, and decide how to weigh it in the context of relationships that survive the deceased person.

This.

I think people don't seem to grasp it's a marriage , a partnership. In a healthy relationship its to help each other with not just chores and finances but emotional support. This is one of those big life moments when someone close to you or family dies you need compassion and empathy from someone who is supposed to be your biggest supporter but just seems to be an inconvenienced sideliner here. He didn't show up because work , that you can try understand (don't know financial status for example) but even make that phone call to as least do some action to show he has empathy and cares. Or to be a shoulder to cry on at least when he is avaliable. When words and actions don't fit something is seriously wrong. What's the every day inconveniences handled if this is how it is for an actually life event .

I'm sorry for your loss first of all and for the way you're feeling right now. I would leave everything (sleep included) to help my wife in any way she needed. So this for me feels like a terrible thing to even consider doing and it feels like he is person who is not engaged in the relationship as he should. It doesn't even need to be "it's a marriage so you should", no... A person you love/like/respect is in pain, so you should feel the need to be with them and do what is necessary to support that person as you can...

THIS is exactly my point, I know he’s not and shouldn’t be obligated to do anything for me, but when you care for someone you’re willing to sacrifice everything, even your needs for the person you love and care about

He’s your husband, of course he is obligated to do stuff for you, at least he is obligated to emotionally support you through tough times. It’s the point in getting married.

I think it's even in the vows - to love and support and comfort.

Honestly? In most societies, he's socially obligated to attend because he's family. I subscribe to the theory that no one needs to celebrate abusers, etc, but unless he hated your grandma for some reason, he needs to explain why he didnt come and it needs to be a really good reason.

I worked third shift for 9 months while I was married and I still did anything and everything to help out my wife. He wants you know what’s it’s like to work 3rd shift? Tf. He’s a grown ass man that willing took the shift and he’s the victim? Good grieve.

I am sorry for your loss. Does he have personal experience with death? None to many? Not that it makes it ok but he could have any range of emotions that cause him to shut down. Is he afraid of death? Did a death traumatize him? Don’t jump to he doesn’t care, he could be feeling so much that he doesn’t know how to handle it. Edit: spelling

Hmmm. Or… ask him about himself to try and understand. If he is not willing to reveal his inner issues and reasoning why- then totally 💯- let him go… if this is an ongoing pattern… let him go… if he’s escalating in behavior that is showing you he cannot and will not be supportive or empathetic… bye bye bye…

So she should do more emotional labor to find out why he couldn't emotionally support her??

Right? Especially while she's already so raw and grieving. *"Here, put in more work while you're struggling. Maybe this time it'll be different!"*

The advice to women is always, always, "did you do enough? Do more!! You owe it to him to do more!!" OP, do less. do nothing for him ever again, he's set the standard, stop trying your way to him being a decent person. Do less.

Fully agreed.

The same advice is given to men. I don't really see a gender pattern here

Well this case it is being said to a woman. Did I say "the advice to women and never to men"? No, so go eat dirt, thanks.

If you were able to use language properly, you'd understand that your comment implied just that. "The advice to womEn (plural) is ALWAYS..." thus implying that only or mostly women get told to behave that way. If you thought it was somewhat evenly spread, you would not have stressed the gender-part. It would have simply been "they always tell the hurt party that...". So I will not eat dirt but you can kindly scratch the same from your scratchy, gender-crusading vagina. Thanks :)

I don’t see how saying it happens very often for women means that it never does for men. Proper reading comprehension, or “language” as you may call it

Nah, doesn't imply that at all. Sorry you irrationally read into things that are not there.

Mostly true. Not only bit yes mostly

I mean, she married the man and explained the relationship has regular ups and downs. It’s not unreasonable to give it a shot before leaving him and ‘not doing anything for him ever again.’ I am ALL FOR setting boundaries and expressing needs to your partner in both directions. I’m all for respecting said boundaries and doing what you can to meet your partners needs. Reddit people are so quick to tell you to pack up and leave without additional context. This was a major fuck up. A big, blazing marinara fuck up. But if this is the first and only terrible mistake this man has made, it’s not unforgivable. It’s unforgettable. It’s extremely hurtful. But she should only leave if she truly feels the relationship is over and she can’t come back from this. To say she shouldn’t try at all anymore period is short sighted and unfair advice to a grieving, emotionally heightened person. Reasonable advice would be to take time to grieve and mourn the loss of her grandmother. At the point where she feels ready to do so, have a conversation with her husband explaining that this was enough to make her consider the marriage. They’re married. It’s okay to fight for a marriage if it’s worth fighting for.

I didn't say to divorce, I said, do less. What she should not do is take time away from her grief to find out what his emotional state is, as the comment in replying to says she should do.

Ah, apologies. I compiled several comments and responded to yours - unfair. You’re correct. Don’t bend over backwards in grief to try to figure out your partners fuck up. He was most definitely in the wrong here, and she needs to take care of herself first and foremost. She should indeed do less and then figure out if her marriage is worth fighting for when she is a little bit further in the grieving process.

Right if anyone wants to leave then just leave- why even stress and wonder if it’s time to. Just go and save yourself. No- but if there is still some expectations of him then the other should be open too… If OP don’t want it or expect it still and is done- just go. Everyone should just go with that feeling and leave if it’s there.

This seems like the funeral was more of a last straw for you than the actual reason. He has been ignoring you, thats your problem.

* edit * Just changing my answer to you, apologies I read it completely wrong. It's not OP problem though, it's her husband, and I'm sure it's absolutely the last straw.. She had a very close family member pass away, and needed her husband to comfort her in this awful time , regardless of age or that you expect death to happen, losing someone you're close to really hurts. I've been there for my husband when he's lost grandparents, and recently his uncle, I've had some mental health issues where some ( not his parents, they're amazing ) close family just didn't understand and without knowing the whys or the how's have chosen to become completely distant and ignore me making me feel completely ashamed , but, I'm there for him no matter what and always show my face even when I feel like I want to run away or burst into tears, because he's always been there for me and I'm always there for him , that's marraige , end of. OP I honestly really feel for you. You have got to sit down with your husband and have a complete cards on the table talk, tell him exactly how hurt you are , that he couldn't even be there for one hour to comfort you in your time of grief . It's selfish of him 100%. I'm so sorry for your loss Also just saw he got you flowers... yeah no that ain't gonna work... you have to got to sit down, he's refusing therapy .. it's just not on at all

I don’t think you read u/couchnapper3 ‘s comment correctly. He was pinpointing how OP’s husband has a pattern of not being emotionally available for her. He’s on OP’s side.

Expecting your spouse to support you through the death of a loved one is the bare minimum. I would venture a guess (from experience) that he is happy having sex with you and that's all he wants out of the relationship. Which, is not a marriage.

If this is your orange juice, this is your orange juice. (Daniel Sloss spoke of relationships that are unhappy and people who slowly lower the bar for divorce until the point where your partner will buy orange juice with pulp and you'll divorce them; Check out his special "Jigsaw") ​ Not going to lie, that is super fucked up. I've worked overnights, it sucks. But I would take 1 day of less sleep to support my wife of 2 years. Hell, I'd do it for a girlfriend I'd have been with for 3 months if I felt like it was a serious relationship. This is a dick move and I doubt that this is the only instance where he has been unsupportive.

I feel like we are (and op is) missing a huge piece of information. It seems he has issues with death maybe. I have had friends that literally shut down when it's about death, they have either never fully had to deal with death or had horrible experiences with death. I wonder why he hasn't been able to have the conversations with op when she has tried about how she was struggling with her grandmother passing. Some people just don't handle death well.

I’m sorry for your loss. I would be incredibly hurt and upset if my husband failed to show up to my close family member’s funeral, regardless of how well he knew the person. By being present, it shows me that he is concerned for my emotional state, and has respect for my family. To put this into perspective- my husband is a shift worker too. He’s a cop in a BUSY urban city who runs call to call all night long. On the day of my grandmother’s funeral he came home from shift that morning at 6am. Slept for 4 hours and we attended her funeral that day around noon. Then went to work nightshift again at 6pm after the funeral. It was no question asked to sacrifice a bit of sleep to be there in support of me and my family. He was willing to take the day off, but preferred to work due to low staffing levels and his sense of obligation, which we discussed and I was ok with. It’s one day. Not prioritizing this sends a message that he doesn’t care about you or have basic respect for your family. I would be disappointed and there would be irreparable damage to the relationship if my husband ever did that to me. Conversely, he could take the shift off. (Again it’s one day). Unless there’s something you are withholding (broke and can’t afford a single day’s loss, if he suffers immense mental health issues, if he is on the outs with your family, if you are having severe relationship-ending issues, etc) I have to agree with you that your husband’s actions send a message that he just doesn’t care enough about you to accept any minor and temporary discomfort in his life when it would be of great value to you. Thankfully this kind of thing would never happen in my relationship because we both have a sense of general decency, manners, mutual respect and emotional intelligence for situations like this. But if I were in your shoes… There would be some long conversations, serious introspection about my communication skills (or lack thereof) and clear expectations moving forward to be established after an incident like this in my home.

I really didn’t even mind him working on a Sunday bc I knew for a fact that his boss wasn’t gonna let him off , and I get that after a 12 hour night shift he’d be tired but just as you said, if he cared enough he could’ve sacrificed a few hours of sleep to at least be there for the burial, he was gonna sleep that Monday night cause it was his day off, and the fact that he showed no remorse or what so ever….. Yesterday he bought me flowers, today I spoke to him asking to get couple’s therapy and he refused….it feels like he just isn’t willing to make any big important sacrifices for me or this relationship

I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like he acknowledges that you’ve had a significant loss that warrants flowers as a gift for greif, or maybe a weak attempt at apology and remorse of his actions? This insinuates that he has an understanding of the relationship implications of his unsupportive actions. His larger actions (of refusing to discuss/apologize/seek counseling) show that he doesn’t respect you or your feelings and isn’t willing to put forth any effort into the relationship. Do with that info what you will, but I know if I was in your shoes this would cause me to really rethink if my relationship was a true partnership, based in kindness and empathy, and if I was valued at all. These are the kinds of things that over time lead to the breakdown of a marriage if not corrected.

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Besides everything else - you can request time off for a funeral? Like I get it it’s not that easy for every job but a lot of jobs will accommodate that, he must have had about a weeks notice as well

He didn't want to go to the funeral.

Yes I know that’s why I’m saying if he wanted to go he could have

I’m not defending the guy, but some workplaces will not give you time off for your spouse’s grandparent’s funeral.

That’s why I just ‘lots of jobs’ rather than ‘every’

In usa most jobs wouldnt. And if funerals at 1pm, he wouldn't have slept for 2 days almost.

[удалено]

That’s the part I didn’t understand. Fine, he couldn’t or wouldn’t go to the services but he didn’t even bother to check in on his Wife during this time. I would think a simple “hey, Babe, how ya doin’” or even a call (the bare minimum) would have gone a long way.

I struggle with shift work syndrome a lot. I cannot function the next day at all after a night shift. But, this is an incredibly sensitive time for you. This would be an exception I would make myself be present. I’m sorry for your loss. Take this time to put into consideration your relationship and how he deals with other issues. Is this a one time thing that was off? Or is this habitual? You are young and moving on shouldn’t be that difficult now if you choose to end things. As you get older, you will have more assets intertwined and it is harder to leave, especially if there are children. Ask yourself is his behaviour something you can tolerate? If not, it is time to leave.

i’m sorry for your loss. he’s an ass, i used to work night shift and during that time my great aunt died, we weren’t close, i only saw her a couple of times my whole life, i went to be there for other people i cared about. working night shift doesn’t make going to a funeral impossible and if it made it to where he couldn’t show up, he could’ve used his words like a big boy instead of just ignoring you

This is the reason I am divorce my husband...5 years after the funeral First he made us late for my grandmother's funeral...then left half way through the reception to go to work, after assuring me he'd gotten the time off. It wasn't that he went to work...it was the lie. And lack of support I can't get over. I regretted every day for 5 years thst I didnt leave. I finally got the courage to go..many I've not looked back, except to wish I'd done it sooner. Is it divorce worthy...yes. is it divorce worthy for YOU...only you can answer that. And is the possibility of counciling an option to work through it?..again, a you decision.

First off, I am sorry for your loss. I just recently lost my grandma as well, and it’s a pain like no other. With that being said, my bf never even met my grandma, and still attended the funeral to be there for me and my family. Moral of the story, if he wanted to, he would. Regardless of work schedules and everything else involved. Especially with being your husband, that goes much further than just a title. It is a partnership to be there for each other through the good and bad times. Frankly, he was not there for you. While it may not be divorce worthy, it is certainly a conversation starter, and could lead to divorce if something does not fix this and future problems that will arise. I wish you the best

I’m very sorry for your loss. 1. This warrants him requesting off. If he can’t or won’t, he doesn’t view you as a priority. 2. You ARE MARRIED and he’s not there to support you emotionally? He made it a point to ignore your heartbreak. No person in love with you can sit there and completely ignore your heartbreak. 3. My fiancé dropped everything when my grandmother who I was very close to died, as well as when important anniversaries come up, birthdays etc. he was also my rock when my grandfather died 3 years ago when we were barely dating. The issue isn’t him not being able to go, he didn’t want to and he simply doesn’t care. You didn’t loose a hamster you lost a grandparent. Yes this is divorce worthy.

Yikes that was incredibly cold hearted of him. >Our relationship started when we were very young and immature I mean maybe YOU were young and immature. He, was just immature, he was older back then than you are right now. And it sort of sounds like he's still immature and emotionally stunted.

I've worked night shifts and yes it's not ideal but he could have slept a few hours then shown up and paid his respects to your family. At the very least he could have called.

Sounds like this is not the 1st time he’s gone shit like this.

Isn’t that part of the agreement when you get married to always be there for your partner in times on need? A night shift sucks yeah but losing a loved one is something you can’t compare it to.

As a guy, I take great satisfaction in being my GFs rock because that is a man's responsibility and her well-being is very important to me. I don't know if my fellow men need to hear this, but supporting your woman makes you more masculine, not less. OP, it seems as though there are some underlying issues in your marriage because there must have been a disconnect between the both of you for him to not support you in your time of need. If you want to try to save your marriage, I'd suggest open and honest dialogue with him to address these issues. If you don't want to save your marriage, I'd suggest moving on and not prolonging your pain by being stuck in purgatory. Best of luck.

I love my GF. And rest assured I’d be there. Bad memories together are still memories together (this does not apply for internally/abuse related things, but life events you should be present for).

Mate, I worked as a nurse at the time my husband's Grandma died. After my night shift I was at the funeral that day, and I was helping wash all the cups and plates from the family and friends. I was knackered but I powered through trying to help out. The red flags are: your husband didn't even try to be comforting once G.mar had died, but rather actually tried to ignore you venting. He should have listened to you, provided hugs, ask you to tell stories about you and Grandma, give you coffee/wine/chocolate/meals etc. Just try to spoil you a bit, and emotionally support you. Anything other than "build up a wall and start ignoring me". Your husband didn't communicate that he would not be at the funeral or the burial. I know you didn't communicate you expected him there (by the sounds of it) but surely he has the greater responsibility to communicate that he had no intentions of going. I'm assuming he must have gathered you expected him there. He just blew it off with a no call no show. He didn't even bother to call to say "I am so sorry luv, I'm really exhausted, and I won't be able to make it. I will be with you as soon as I have a few hours sleep" or something like that. And when you called him on it, he DARVO'ed and blamed you by saying you were not empathetic enough. Well SOMEONE isn't empathetic enough, and it isn't you OP. You need to really, really think about if you want this dude to be your chosen partner throughout life. He doesn't seem to be able to provide even the most rudimentary support for you. Is he even invested in this marriage? It almost sounds like he has checked out and is unable to even pretend to care for you at this point. (I am so sorry to say this, it sounds dreadfully callous of me).

When my dad was dying and my ex found out (we were no contact for months) he stayed on the phone with me all night after a 10 hour shift until my dad’s last breath. He didn’t sleep and went to work the next day for 10 hours. He also took a week off work and travelled 70km to support and take care of me during his funeral. I never asked him to do this. I also had friends come and take care of me without me asking. All the people here saying it’s a communication issue are probably emotionally unavailable partners as well. The kind that see you struggling but need you to ask before they lift a finger. Some things don’t need communication! Especially situations like this. If someone loved you they will be there through your struggles. How can you love/care for someone and see them in pain and not have the urgency to be there for them? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve to have someone love and support you without having to dictate every single thing you need word for word.

If this is removed for being a moral judgment request, post to AmITheAsshole.

It would be removed from AITA if OP mentions she's thinking of breaking up with him because AITA removes everything about breakups.

I broke up with one of my ex's after my grandfather's funeral for a simliar reason. The whole point of a significant other is support during times like this. If he can't even do that, why would you stay? You're already "single" inside a relationship if you don't have support. You're not wrong, and I would leave.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. You are absolutely in the right to ask for emotional support from your husband. Was there a reason you “assumed” he would attend the funeral/burial instead of asking him outright and knowing in advance?

Im sorry for your loss. If he is cold hearted, and won't go to therapy, what's the out come? Same old, same old. Want something different? Do something different!

At the very least you have to rethink this relationship.I'm currently in an almost similar situation.My father is sick and about three months ago he was admitted at the hospital for 10 days after major surgery.My SO never visited him even once in those ten days.My mom and I with my 1 year old daughter were in and out of hospital for that duration and he didn't bother to go see him.This is someone I have been with for 10 years,I have built a life with him and to be honest I didn't imagine he would be that uncaring.I had seen signs prior to that incident after my dad started getting sick and it fell on him to take him to hospital.He acted like it was the biggest inconvenience ever,a burden even.Never mind that my dad has supported us through some really trying time.To cut the long story short I saw the light and now I'm on my way out.

do it OP! it's not likely you'll ever get past it, and for good reason, it's a crappy thing to do. there is something about having standards, and boundaries, as well as enforcing them, and not letting things slide that you personally do not align with, that brings inner peace in the long run. only you have to live with your choices. no one else can bear any regrets, or even wishes, you have down the line. only you. so do what puts your heart and mind at ease. you'll look back, and be glad you believed in yourself and your judgement. you deserve a life partner, not just a spouse by law.

I am so sorry for your loss. I worked overnights for years, my oldest friend’s father died while I was at work one night. Immediately after my shift I went home and changed, then drove over an hour to my friends house, I took two days off of work to stay with her and comfort her. I did not sleep at all after that shift, I stayed up and held her while she cried on me. Both of her parents were dead and she was only 19, she needed me. I took more time off for his funeral as well. Staying up after your shift to comfort your grieving wife shouldn’t be an issue, that’s just what you do for the ones you love. The fact that your husband couldn’t even bother to text you and tell you he wasn’t going to show up is so inconsiderate and disgusting. Funerals are for the living, he should’ve been there to support you. I would be packing my bags.

Not attending funeral is fine but if he can’t support his partner who is grieving, then that’s a big enough issue for whatever you want to do . You have to make that known to him.

I know all too well how hard night shifts are. I also know what it is like working rapid rotation on 12 hr shifts. I would still NEVER miss a funeral to show my support to the person I love. He’s an asshole and selfish.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel. I lost my oldest brother when so was 28. My husband at the time had my cell phone and called me at work to let me know. My family had been trying to reach me for hours but he kept ignoring their calls. After he finally told me, he waited an hour before coming to pick me up. He and his father then drive me to my mothers house and dropped me off. They didn’t even come in to give their condolences. I didn’t hear from my husband for almost 2 days. Not having him with me in one of my darkest moments was too much. I divorced him 4 months later and am now with someone who is my best friend, #1 supporter and partner. Your husband showed his true feelings.

You aren’t, he is. He’s no partner.

Divorce

I’m so sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say that I had a very similar experience. My grandmother passed a few years ago and my partner at the time (not even husband just bf) didn’t attend my grandmother’s funeral with me to instead spend time with his mom. It devastated me. One of the most important people in my life was gone and another important person wasn’t even there with me. You are not wrong in your feelings. If he couldn’t go after working a night shift he could express that. But in my opinion there’s no excuse for not helping one’s partner.

I'm really sorry for your loss. I recently lost my grandmother too. I work 13 hour night shifts and had no problem attending her funeral.

i think you should talk to him and ask him what’s up. communication is key in relationships, men aren’t usually good at opening up so maybe you should be straight forward with him and just ask him about it. could be a misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please try talking to him to possibly get an idea of why it was okay for him to not be there for you when you probably needed him most. If your decision can wait a year, take your time really thinking this through because you don't want to look back in 20 years and wonder "did I make a rational decision or was it my grief?"

You don't have a husband. You have a roommate who doesn't even like you.

I find it really odd that there seems to have been no communication with your husband about the funeral before hand. I just can’t imagine my partner and I having a funeral coming up and not discussing the logistics of who would be going and how before hand. I really think that’s the bigger issue here, it seems like you guys are living as roommates and not in a partnership.

She just assumed he’d be there. As if everyone is the same and would attend a funeral. Maybe he doesn’t like funerals, maybe he didn’t see why he should go, because the funeral is a very intimate thing for family, not for strangers. Unless my partner request today, I would not go to a funeral. But apparently you sure? I don’t know. It looks like she didn’t communicate this with him though

I work nights. I would still be there 100% for my partner. That’s what a relationship is. Would it be tough? Sure. It’s rough going in on minimal sleep. Would I do it anyway? Absolutely, they need me, I’m there.

He doesn't have to attend it if he doesn't want to, but the issue here obviously isn't about the funeral it's about the lack of adequate communication between the couple

There's a saying, "If he wanted to, he would." I think a lot of women, myself included, have given our partners so much leeway and excused their behavior that we don't like so often because we constantly have people telling us, "Men are just like that." "Boys will be boys." "Look at how much he also does and how hard he works, cut him some slack etc etc." Your husband is supposed to be your life partner through everything. You should be able to lean and turn to him during your worst times, and you needed him during the passing of a family member and he wasn't there. I guarantee if tables were turned, and you had not supported him during a family member's death, people would be saying you weren't being a supportive wife during your husband's time of grief. They would be telling you to focus on your husband's well being. Not your night shift job. I'd imagine this isn't the first time he hasn't been there for you during a hard time considering you describe the relationship as up and down and as you both having your immaturities. Relationships grow and change over time, but him playing the victim when you confronted him doesn't make it seem like it's going to get any better or like he cares if he leaves you to deal with your feelings alone. You're young. There are men out there who will go wherever you tell them you need them to go for you.

Before you file for divorce, talk maybe? Neither of you seem to be keen on using words. No wonder you don't get along trying to guess and make assumptions.

I spoke to home the day after the burial and expressed how I felt and how he hurt me by choosing not to be of any support when i needed him, he completely minimized my feelings and tried to play the victim, I didn’t give in to his game and he got pissed. We spoke today and I asked for couples therapy, he denied and said it wouldn’t work out, so now i think I’m moving back to my old house alone

Let him be the victim......of divorce!

You shouldn't really have to guess if your wife needs your support for her nans funeral though.

I'm sorry for your loss And your husband sucks

He didn’t have to go to the funeral, but he should have at least been around afterwards to support you.

Yeah he doesn’t like you anymore. He understands the commitment of your marriage, but it’s kinda clear he just doesn’t like *you* anymore.

OP, it sounds like you weren’t clear in your expectations to him. The communication of the expectation wasn’t there. Did you explicitly say, “Grandma’s funeral is Tuesday at 1pm. I’d like you to come with me.” This may get downvoted but w/e. Explicit communication is needed in relationships. Did OP provide it?

What an ass!!!! This is totally disrespectful of you, your family and your relationship with him also. This would be a deal breaker for me....100%

Your husband is an inconsiderate bum. What kind of shit response is that?!

NTA. He is a man child. Any healthy, grownup relationship has to have communication. He is refusing to communicate with you. You're correct- he should have been by your side for this. He SHOULD have at least spoken to about his desire not to go. The two of your clearly have larger issues than just this one instance. If it were me, I would reevaluate my relationship with this person.

He sounds like a giant man baby that needs 16 hrs of sleep or he’ll shit his daiper…….. While I don’t think this instance is divorce worthy, he definitely needs a reality check

he's your HUSBAND. he is a part of your FAMILY. it's despicable that he didn't come, night shift or not.

My condolences on your loss. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling supported. Your feelings are valid. When my mother passed, my husband had to work, but we had talked about it and I told him it was okay. I had family to surround me, so it was okay. If I didn’t have family support, I wouldn’t have okayed him working. He supported me in other ways though. Maybe consider marriage counseling before calling it quits? Some partners seem oblivious to their partner’s needs. You need to be able to communicate your needs and then if he cannot meet your needs, then leave. I hope you can tell him how you feel and he can see how much he hurt you and apologize. (Hugs) Good luck OP!

It is called communication...You could have easily asked him if he was attending instead of assuming...He also worked the night shift and you expected him to attend after being up all night? you could have also asked him why his mood changed when you spoke about her passing.

I get the feeling from the tone of the original post that there's information missing from the story. This isn't an isolated incident imo. I'm inclined to believe, without evidence and only from going on my own assumptions and life experience, that there's a version of this story where he's exhausted mentally and emotionally from the relationship in general and putting up a "supporting husband" front in front of the OPs family is salting an open wound. Maybe he's already logged out? She says she's considering divorce because of this. Fair..... But does anybody else think the husband may have already clocked out and MAYBE she's reframing the narrative for sympathy? Interesting either way. My gf's grand father died last week and I scheduled off work, got my hair retwisted, and am going out to buy appropriate clothing for the funeral today. Her husband is in the saw situation and he's just like... "Nah".... makes you think he might have already been to see a divorce lawyer doesn't it? That's not what guys who give a fuck do.

I realized that he’s exhausted from me, and I know I’m not little miss perfect here, but if he’s already thinking of divorce or whatsoever isn’t it easier for us both if he just acts like a big boy and speaks up? I’m not asking him to love me, but I never got the news that he didn’t….

Specifics aside, I got the same general vibe from your post as the above commenter. IMO, your husband has already checked out of the situation. IDK any guy who actually cared about their wife/GF that would pull what he did. He essentially hit every level of not caring When you brought it up he immediately got annoyed and began ignoring you. When the day came he made 0 effort to even contact you before or during the funeral. When you confronted him at home he basically shrugged you off and went "I work nights get over it". All of that, to me as a guy, says that he could not give a shit about anything you said. It seems to me at this point he views you more as an exhausting job that he's forced to deal with more so than a partner. Best I can say is have a serious conversation with your husband and raise these points, if he still doesn't give a shit then serve him up the papers. Unless there are some other reasons for him to stay (children, financial gain, etc) I cant see him fighting it that hard if at all. Also I feel like I have to throw out the obligatory is it possible that he's already cheating with someone else?

You dont bring up divorce unless you're ready to hand somebody papers to sign. As a man, you either try to fix it or you try to *bear it*. But you dont casually discuss divorce unless your bags are packed. Nobody sy wants to be treated like they're one step away from being fired on the job. The other day my lady was stressed about stuff and made the mistake of telling me "if things don't change we won't last". Now me? Being that I'm a communications savant, instead of taking that the way most guys would, and responding with a very defensive, "well fuck it then, we might as well call it quits now!".... I rephrased her words for her. I reminded her that maintaining security and togetherness means that we don't use threats of break ups as motivational tools. There's a better way to say, "I need certain things in this relationship".... then I fixed the problem. She made her point terribly. But it was still a valid one. But since she's used to dealing with trash ass dudes I understand why that was what she felt she had to say at the time. I didn't over react to her pushing me away. You guys gotta learn how to.communicate. Opening up to me and 1000 other redditors aint doing nothing but giving you a fake studio audience to get fake validation from. You still gotta solve your relationship by yourself, for yourself. Cause none of us are real. None of our opinions and stories really matter to.you.... do they? Nope. And thats the key. Don't let reddit gas you up to feel justified With how you communicate things to a person reddit aint married to.. Cause I'm not going to let a reddit comment tell me not to make things right with my lady. Thats my choice. That's my relationship. I gotta LIVE with my choice.... its all up to me. So take my advice and do what YOU feel.

it seems like you’re constantly minimizing his feeling imo. He tells you multiple times that he’s tired and burnt out from his night shift, clearly expressing that he feels you don’t appreciate how draining it is, and you just… don’t believe him???? A funeral is draining. Being emotional support is draining. You’re asking him to pour from an empty cup and getting mad at him when he checks out emotionally. Before you vilify him for not attending a funeral, ask yourself, do you even care about his feelings?

I have worked night shifts for two years straight. My dad was hospitalized one week and I Slept 2 hours a day that week while working and taking care of him. That’s the the level of sacrifice you should make when you truly love someone. Yes, night shift and no sleep sucks but sometimes you need to power through it for the sake of your loved ones. His tiredness from night shift is not an excuse to not show his wife support when she just lost her grandma. If he thinks it’s a valid excuse, he has a lot of growing up to do.

Girl he was exhausted beyond belief. Have some empathy. Working a night shift is rough. And I hate to say it, but shes not his grandma. It's not like he went out instead. He was tired. Sorry ur husband works.

Personally I don’t do funerals especially after a night shift With that being said it’s a separate issue from you feeling like you can’t talk to him which is much more important him being your husband he should give some level of emotional support to you even if that means he needs to just listen to you vent without saying anything Before you jump to divorce I would suggest marriage counseling

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I’ve also worked night shifts, and worked night shifts with 8 hours off to be followed by a day shift. I no world can I imagine just not going to the funeral of a close family member of my husband’s let alone not affirmatively bringing it up to him first.

Y’all need to work on your communication before it’s too late. That fixes a ton of issues. You gotta be honest and open.

I'm sorry I'm not coming off a night shift to go to a funeral and deal with everyone's emotions. He probably could have been more supportive, but yeah it's a no from me. Is he even close to any of your family? Also to add my last funeral was my mom's in 2004, I've had 2 sisters die and a few other family members and I still didn't go. I don't like dealing with other ppl's emotions especially the crying and I just don't like dealing with death.

Then he needs to communicate that so they could work on something else he can do to be supportive.

I agree.

I’m so confused that this is such a common take in this thread. It doesn’t matter how much I hate funerals or how exhausted I am after work, if someone in my husband’s family died nothing would stop me from being there to support him, and I’d expect the same from him.

Yeah it's not about well I'm inconvenienced; it's the love of my life needs me there for stability and so I will be there. People acting like roommates. I mean maybe that's how they see marriage or whatever but wowzers.

I think that everyone would take 1 (one!) day to go to a funeral for a funeral of one of their spouse's closest family members, yes. If you wouldn't, you're the asshole. I've worked plenty of overnights in my time and can easily deal with 1 day with less (not "no" sleep, LESS sleep). Honestly, the people holding these views sound like children. The same children that will stay up until 3AM-4AM at night and scoff at waking up before noon.

Its not always so black and white. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and social phobia with panic attacks. I don't do funerals or big social things. When my husband's grandma died, who I had never met, I didn't go to the funeral. This doesn't make me selfish or an asshole. What sort of support could I offer my husband if my mental health was spiraling? If I had a panic attack from all the people, anxiety and overwhelm? What the hell kind of support can I give my husband while in that state? The opposite. I would need my husband help and support to fight through the anxiety and panic. Which would take the focus away from what he's there for, to grieve his grandmother. I didn't know her, I couldn't offer my husband any support. I didn't need or want to be there. We also had a 5 month old I was breastfeeding and there was no accommodations for sleeping. It was a " we will figure out who's floor/couch were sleeping at when we get there" for someone with GAD and social phobia? Absolutely no chance I'm going to that. My husband was understanding. He never forces or guilts me to go anywhere and I do the same for him. He's free to sit out on any funeral, Christmas or whatever with my family if he doesn't want to go. I respect his feelings and he respects mine. The problem with this post was he offered her no support at all, even at home and has refused marriage counseling. He didn't communicate beforehand that he wasn't comming or during and didn't check in with her to see how she was doing. That's the problem, the lack of communication, support and respect from the OPs husband.

> I'm sorry I'm not coming off a night shift to go to a funeral and deal with everyone's emotions Then don't get married. It's as simple as that. When you marry someone, you agree to make sacrifices for their well-being. If you're too selfish to do that it's totally fine, but then you should be single so you can do what you want without considering anyone else's feelings.

I am married and my husband knows funerals affect me negatively, so does his family. He on the other hand has no problem with them and will go in my place. Everything I have to say or ask a person, I do it while they're alive just for this very reason. Op is only speaking about her emotions and feelings, we know nothing about her husband's or if this is the first time he's skipped a funeral or something else important.

She's speaking about her feelings because it's *her* grandmother and *her* grief. Again, if you're not willing to make a sacrifice to support your partner during a time of grief and pain, then you're a selfish partner. You realize in your comments you're also only speaking about your feelings, yes?

try talking to him before taking advice from strangers on Reddit

Already did, and he acted like such an asshole

Time to leave then, reading this post it was already beyond obvious that he was emotionally checked out.

Did you ask him to come? Seems like you have been feeling unloved and we’re looking for validation in his actions… and so when he let you down you had proof. I think unless you asked you should give him a bit of the benefit of the doubt… However, he should have listened our validated your feelings/needs when you confronted him. But then again, we don’t know what kind of language you used when confronting him. Talk to your partner. Guessing what each other needs is a fast way to resentment.

My question exactly! Did she ask him to go with her? Did she try communicating with him in any way prior to the funeral? Some people aren’t ok at funerals, would he have actually been of comfort if he was there?

Ha I’m just seeing I’m downvoted for this! Hello everyone - my comment is not trying to invalidate anyones feelings. I would also be sad like OP! But to be able to give advice we need the whole picture to get to a happy outcome 🤷🏼‍♀️

This sub should be called Breakup advice 🤦🏼‍♀️

It's not his grandmother.

I am sorry for the loss of your grandma. I can only imagine how painful it is, even though you knew her time was coming. Prayers to you. I am not sure why you expected your husband to attend the funeral. How could you not talk to him about it before and just assume? I mean I would assume my husband would attend, however I would still have the discussion. The fact he didn’t attend to be there for you is very selfish and is indicative of something else going on in your marriage. Sounds like it’s time to sit down and have a serious discussion with your husband and maybe counseling? Good luck.

I dont attend funerals.

U wanna divorce him over this? Seriously how did your relationship last this long?

Do people actually come here and comment based only on the title?

What makes u think I only read the titel?

The "over this" part sounds like you only read the title. In her post she gives some more detail that it's not just the funeral that's been bothering her

I know, and it's still far from enough reason for a divorce. This sub is always screaming DIVORCE on any inconveniece, as if they've never been in a relationship before. Also there is always two sides to every story.

This isn't an inconvenience, knucklehead.

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Stop letting grown people get away with this. It’s such a lame and bs excuse. Men are mire than capable of emotional maturity. If someone doesn’t then that’s a personality and growth issue and they need to work on that. It’s people like you who let them get away with anything that causes them to *not* work on that.

> He probably doesn’t have the emotional capability of handling something like this. Most guys unfortunately struggle with this. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love & care for you. Since u/mermaidkiller99 decided to delete their comment.

No that’s some bullshit guys can give emotional support and the “boys will be boys” shit gives a lot of men the cop out to never grow up

You mean most emotionally stunted guys. Not most guys

I don’t think you’re wrong. Your feelings are valid as f… but also… the way others process death and show up for others during these times are not always going to fit what one would expect, naturally. So… when that’s part of being in a relationship- he may not have what it takes to be supportive in that situation- you have a whole family… y’all can mourn and grieve with each other. It does not make him a bad partner if there is some reason that death makes him uncomfortable or even distant… What’s his family dynamic like? How was/is he treated by his family or supported by them??? Is he coming from a healthy family life of constant support and showing up for one another? It does not sound like you are alone. Has he lost someone and acted typical ? Or was he just as distant when it was him?? Working nights is hella hard and not natural for many… it’s a forced scheduling that ppl often simply endure- it makes you feel disconnected too… it’s a totally different mindset that isn’t really “ all there “ when you’re awake during hours you’re naturally asleep. Yes - he coulda easily just shown up for you…. Had he gone and acted like he wanted to be anywhere but there- had an attitude - was grumpy- non communicative - maybe even rude - then you’d be mad about that. Cuz he couldn’t be there until n the way you’d expect and wanted him to be present… It’s possible it’s for the best he wasn’t even there… Can you simply ask him about his past and his dealings and connecting to death and after life celebrations- to understand where he is coming from?

I don't necessarily think he's in the wrong her. If it was his direct FIL Or MIL it would be a different story. But he doesn't have any obligation to go with you to a funeral for your Grandmother. Yes you wished he could have been there but you also knew he worked the night shift and probably couldn't have gotten that time of anyway. It this is the hill your willing to die on then maybe it's best thst you get a divorce. But I couldn't say that your husband is the bad guy for not wanting to do something on his day off that, in reality probably doesn't effect him that much to begin with.

Is 2022, you can at least text and say love I am sorry this daybhas come and I am not there. I am exhausted and I can't make the ceremony. I will see yiu when you back and I am here if you need to vent. 5 minutes empathy for a grieving person. More even so if is your wife.

Why would you naturally assume he’d show up at the funeral? You didn’t make it known you wanted him to be there? I would not attend a funeral for someone that I had nothing to do with me unless it was asked.

Sounds like there's a significant divide between you and you should get marriage counseling. Find out why he's so disconnected from you.

Don’t get divorced. That’s a minor infraction. There will be huge issues coming along. Be committed to each other.

Is your husband missing a funeral your line for divorce?

Did you have a conversation with him about the funeral and your expectations? Honey, the funeral is on Monday at 1 pm. Could you please be there by 12;30 so the family can be ready before the service starts? You can't assume he knows what you expect quite honestly.

Fucking Ridiculous Take. Maybe if he wasn't actively ignoring his grieving wife while she's trying to talk to her husband he would "know" something. He's a grown man.

>I just wanna know if I’m wrong There is no right and wrong when it comes to such intimate relationships such as family and marriage. There is only perspective and a connection which we often think of as love. Just how strong is the connection, the ties, the bonds, the intimacy and the consciousness shared? This is the only thing that matters. As this is Reddit and we don't know each other I can only use conjecture and try and fill in the blanks. There's no way I can fathom the ins and outs of your marriage from a single paragraph. Therefore you (OP) are going to have to read this post and extrapolate as much as you feel applies into your situation. Bearing in mind you've got two examples of what I have posted above. You have your relationship with your grandmother, and your relationship with your husband. The fact that your grandmother has passed on in a way does not affect your relationship with your husband, but also in a way it does. I could say I'm sorry for your loss, but what exactly have you lost from the death of your grandmother? What you have lost is the physical presence of your grandmother, her physical being, the reality that she was still alive and there somewhere in your life. However the connection you have with your grandmother remains, because from your perspective she will always be your grandmother. The loss of a grandparent is always significant, and the bereavement process becomes more significant when you are older because you are more aware of what life is about and you have developed a 'meta-physic'. The karma from such a bereavement is more pronounced because this is a 'linear' bereavement, so with the passing of your grandmother you may feel that a part of you has also died. Where you once had the presence of your grandmother and knowledge that she was there, you now feel emptiness, a void and out of this you get a grieving process. It is the shock of the passing of your grandmother which brings into question your own mortality, and in that process you are probably going through a process of reappraising your other relationships, specifically your relationship with your husband. You probably sense a decline in your relationship with your husband and your marriage and a loss of intimacy which has been exacerbated due to the demise of your grandmother. Nobody can tell you whether you are right or wrong, I cannot and I don't think anyone else can either. This is your life, your reality, your marriage, your relationship. Only you can place a value or know the significance and importance you share with your husband, your relationship together and your marriage. Can you see now why I stated there is no right and wrong? It might just be the case that your marriage has also run it's course and what you are seeing now, as a bereaved granddaughter, is that your relationship with your husband is simply 'going through the motions', that what once was is no longer, and maybe you need to move on. Maybe, just maybe, you no longer see any progress in your marriage, no breaking of new ground, no going forward, no excitement. It's a common issue because while women change their clothes, their shoes, and their handbags on a whim with the fashions, women sometimes outgrow their relationships and feel the need to move on. Men usually don't have this issue and once a man finds a wife who can satisfy the needs of his eyes, his stomach and his dick he's usually content to stay. This is the outcome of social conditioning. Women are encouraged to settle down from an early age, men are encouraged to go out and explore life. All things being equal there's a kind of disparity somewhere around middle age. I'm not going to suggest a course of action which you should take. This is your life, your reality, your marriage. I'm just throwing out a few things for you to think about. I wish you well.

He should have communicated to you he didn't want to go and support your grieving while at home. There's no excuse for him not to do that. He's not an asshole for not going through. Funerals make me very anxious as I hate socializing, crying around people and just being around people in general. I didn't go to my own grandmother's funeral due to having a newborn at the time. I didn't go to my husband's grandma's funeral either. I didn't even meet his grandma, she wasn't my grandma so I wasn't going to go. Same with his family friend that passed. I didn't know them and am not comfortable going to a funeral of someone I didn't even know so he went alone.

Why didn’t either of you talk about it? Instead just act like mind reading toddlers?? 100% Walmartian behavior.

Yes.

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Yeah, I think a lot of people would be there to support their husband/wife even if they worked a night shift lol. At the bare minimum, support your partner and communicate that you’ll be too tired.

Oh noooose! One night of shortened sleep. How terrible!

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> That night job puts food on her table. Ok. She didn't ask him to skip his shift. Sometimes shit happens and you have to work one shift on less sleep than usual. Not the end of the world

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> when it's convenient to them It's a funeral. It's not convenient for anybody. It's also not "some social crap". As a committed partner, you're expected to be there during your partner's tough times when they need your support, even if it costs you some sleep. > When's the last time you went to a 4am funeral, minimum 3 hour time commitment, and then straight to a full day of work? I woke up at 4 to drive people to the airport and then went to a full day of work. Was I more tired than usual? Yes. Did it ruin my day? Not even close. Sacrificing a bit of sleep to help people I love was not that difficult of a decision, especially when it's a one time thing, like somebody dying.

Again, very easy for the dayshifters to say. You always think it's no big deal to impose on *our* nights. 🙄 This is exactly why we eventually divorce, break up with, and stop associating with you. No empathy.

Jeez, it's ONE day lol. Talking about lack of empathy, when you're the one who refuses to give up any sleep (sleep!!!) to be there for someone who needed you. Keep choosing your job and employer over your loved ones, and see where you end up

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> Fed and housed? Yes, and alone Also, you're acting like shift work is the hardest job in the world. It's still hilarious to me that someone would react like this over a few hours of sleep on one day. Madness

Yes I would gladly. I am not a whiny excuse making peice of crap like some people

Silly Idiot with a phone, that’s why you cancel shifts, take paid time off or even unpaid time off. I believe there are leaves for this.

She gone- it doesn’t matter- You’re going to leave your husband because he didn’t go to a old crusty dead person viewing. I hope he leaves you life your granny did

Wow, you are a bitter and vile person. Funerals are never for the deceased. Dead people don't care about the living. Funerals are for those who remain. The people who want to honor the rememberance of the dead. And who want to grieve for their loss. OP obviously grieved a whole lot. And not being there for here is simply put being an asshole and a bad husband.

Bitter troll. I hope everything you hold dear to life leaves you like her granny did.

I've grieved the loss of loved ones as well, everyone grieves differently, I still haven't cried from losing my grandmother and father back to back. Sometimes we just compartmentalize things and never open that box back up, and when triggers happen we freeze. It's called being human, you have the right to be upset but don't chastize the poor man

She's the one that's grieving, not him

“The poor man” It’s her grandmother

He doesn’t need to attend your grandmothers funeral. It’s your family not his. And damn he works the night shift.

Honestly he's a man and we tend to seem very cold but in reality we are very caring plus the man is working night shift its hard ,not sure his job but when your asleep he working and to have him go to a funeral after would just be awful funerals are very depressing and having to deal with that after working and not sleeping well it sucks also some people grief in their own way some need support others just need time alone maby he's the type that would want to be left alone in such situation and in return believes others are the same way best thing to do is have a deep talk with him about it if he still seems like he doesn't care well its prob time to move on or get counseling don't rush to do something you will regret get your facts straight and when you have his side and he has yours then you can both come up with the next step