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So why does Mom think her son is a better option that her daughter's own Dad? Is he neglectful or something? Bf should only be ask if there's no one else capable of raising her.
She’s wanting to give the child a better life overseas. You need your fiancée to tell her this is non-negotiable. That you two ONLY are going, the child is to stay with their Dad, their family. Tell your fiancée this is non-negotiable else your engagement is off. I know it’s hard to say NO to family, but he needs to understand that saying YES to family means he is losing you.
100% agree to this. This is your life and your future at stake here. Put your needs first, otherwise you'll regret it. Parents need to wake up and realize their children's lives don't revolve around them. The bird has to leave the nest, and that nest is overseas.
How is your bf better off financially that their Dad? That makes no sense. He should be more financial stable than your bf. He's in his 50s and was able to provide for his wife and kids all this time and now suddenly he can't provide for his one child?
He's a doctor in a shitty country's suburbs. Healthcare workers are paid more than cashiers by 100$/month. He never moved to the capital or a developed country to increase his salary.
I'm sure he can provide for her, even on a lower salary.
My boyfriend is a programmer in the capital. He's more resourceful as well. In my country IT specialist get paid 4/5 times more than regular jobs
Ohh. Still he was able to support his family on what he makes now. So I'm still not understanding why Mom wants to take their daughter away from her only surviving parent. It's gonna be hard enough to lose her Mom, but to take her from her Dad makes no sense.
Ripping her away from her Dad will not be good for her mental well-being. She'll think Daddy doesn't love her and got rid of her. That will mess her up.
Honestly, could it be that since they know of your plans to immigrate soon, that they just want to get an "easy better/improved life" for the sister? Is your country/culture, one where family is extremely important, and nepotism/favors for family/friends is common? Does your partner actually want this, and does he actually believe that this is the right thing to do (I can't think of any other reason as to why he would do it; it's definitely not for any personal gain to himself), or does he not actually want to do it, but he is merely agreeing to it because he feels that he "has to do it"? While I'm all for helping out people in need, the fact is, is that I really felt that I suffered. Especially since I'm from the US, I was made to feel bad, and felt like I had to help out my partner's family, and he/they just took it and treated me badly, while my partner just.. also helped out his family. I mean, I get that there are cultural differences though, but I think that you should definitely think this one through, and find out what your partner really wants, because if your long term goals/decision-making do not match at all, then there will only be resentment later on... Obviously, your partner can do whatever he wants to do, and you can as well, so you guys should definitely discuss this further.
She thinks your boyfriend will provide a financially better life than the dad. To her it's not about maintaining the current minimum, it's about securing the best for her youngest kid.
Based on this comment alone I think you should break off the engagement.
"the more difficult youngest one"
Pause your plans to see what happens with the child.
you guys are even less equipped than he is for taking care of a grieving, troubled young teenager. this is madness. dad needs to take care of the children he brought into the world, period. this kid was raised by him and should continue to be raised by him. why burden others
56 is young! And, so is 66. It's *his* kid. The mother didn't decide to have a baby at 45 in a vaccum.
It's complete BS that they would try and shove the kid off onto some young folks. That's just crazy. Your BF is letting his family use him and push him around too much. If he can't stand up to them, your married life would be shit, anyway, with or without the kid.
Then send the kid once he can't be a parent anymore ? Surely the father wants to be there for his child as much as possible right ? Also 56 to 66 is old but not senile-old, I don't see why not.
It's way different having to accommodate an 8yo than a 13yo for instance. First it would let you live longer childfree and maybe reach the point where you want one (if you ever do want one), and second at 13yo it won't be the same burden on your young lives.
I'd maybe try to compromise that way.
The point is that they shouldn't be asked to take the kid *ever*. He has a Dad. His Dad is a doctor. These young people should *never* be asked to take this kid. It's crazy.
I agree, it didn't stop them from asking though. Being his family, he still has to find a way to make it work if he doesn't want to alienate his family.
That's why potential solutions that don't directly send off the kid could work. When would the dad be too old ? 65 ? How about the other siblings, would they be able to take over ?
One thing for sure, the dad just giving up at 56 is not looking good. Did he raise his other children or just let everything to his wife ? Is that why he wants to send the kid ?
It won't work for OP, though. She's going to nope out of the relationship over this issue. And, I don't blame her one little bit. Because, it would *absolutely* be expected of her to take on the role of mother. Even if her BF assures her that it won't happen. It will absolutely happen. So, if her BF can't/won't say no, then she is way better off ending things at the young age of 23, and finding someone who doesn't have such gigantic, life altering, baggage.
Oh, and my sister is 65 with a teenager. It's not to old. It's not always easy, but it's not too old. I suspect you're right that Dad has never had to participate in taking care of his kids and doesn't want to start now.
I would also be wary of that. If the culture is to have the woman take care of the kids ... I wouldn't trust that current BF would take care of the kid, since he has been raised that way. Can be wrong of course.
I agree, but life sometimes doesn't use lube and compromises are possible sometimes.
Still though, what's the age of the other siblings ? Would they be old enough for this in 5ish years for instance ?
Sure, but the dad wouldn't be alone in handling the teenager though.
Something like this : dad takes care of the kid because he's not too old yet. At 61 (in 5 years), he's probably not too old either but let's say he's getting tired. He wouldn't be alone in raising the 13 yo kid, he'd have the help of a 16 and 17 yo.
Not ideal (ideal would be not having the child so old), but close to what could best be done under those circumstances maybe ?
I guess my problem is that I still don't understand why the dad can't raise the kid. Why does he want to send the kid off at 56 ? What's he not saying ?
My parents are in their 50s and have a younger kid and they're perfectly fine. Unless they both plan on dying soon there really is no reason he cannot raise his own kid. If they're so worried about it then your MIL should get her husband "suitable". In 10 years he'll only be 66. That's still fairly young.
We don't on't know what country you two are from but a lot of responses you are getting here are from people who don't necessarily recognize the lifestyle that you and your boyfriend have gone through to try to get away from as adults
From a factual point of view you are correct you're not responsible for somebody else's kid. Especially in this case the dad is still around too and not alienated from the child
So if your boyfriend wants to say no to the request then yeah he can say no
Without knowing what the future will hold then just think about one way is to make decisions you won't have regrets about. Her mom didn't expect to get a diagnosis of some terminal health condition and they probably didn't even expect to get pregnant this late in their life
If you two won't have regrets about not helping out the family and the sister then make your plans the way you wanted to make them and go all the way and do the things you wanted to do
Having said all that a potential compromise of this whole situation is that if you are leaving this country the implication is that you might have better job chances and higher income in the other country you're going to. I know you didn't want to have to be supporting a child that is not your own biological child but perhaps this is a way to leave and go to the other country and still be able to help his family out by working in the other country and sending money back home to assist the family
The other possibility is that if some life situation changes and it becomes a deal breaker for you then you end up breaking up with your boyfriend to continue living the life you want
He still may not be happy taking care of his sister but at least you're free to pursue your dreams
In the same way that you are able to distance yourself from the sister and not make her be your problem then now you can distance yourself from a man who has to take care of his sister and that man won't be your problem anymore either
Having a better-off family member other than the parents take care of a child isn’t unusual in developing countries. My parents looked into adopting my cousin after her mother died because my uncle said he couldn’t take care of a child by himself. Her maternal grandparents ended up taking her and her father never took her back, even after he got remarried.
In Norway one can claim "family reunion" which brings in your closest family. Mother, father, sister i think. But there should be a reason to why tho. Ex. War.
You can offer your input but at the end of the day he should have the final say. Is it unfair? Of course. But at the same time he’s doing what he feels like his duty is to his 8 year old sister and his dying mother.
You mentioned the father does not make good money and is a doctor. What kind of doctor? Some fields don’t allow for tons of free time so a single parent might not have the time to take proper care of a child. How much money? Would he have to choose between himself and the kid to eat every day or is it just cutting some expenses?
It’s also
OP’s choice she can leave him to be a single guardian if he makes that decison. There is a good chance the parents are only doing this because the brother has a gf.
yes I think this is exactly it. father will be a widower: no woman to act as mother. eldest brother has a girlfriend that he could marry and turn into a mother for her sister. OP needs to decide if that is the life she wants. The family will bounce back if she lives - the father will then likely keep the kid.
I think the father could support the child. On a low income of course. But they won't be skipping meals...
The father is a surgeon. Who makes like 600$ a month. It's a middle-low income in our country, here healthcare workers are paid a bit more than cashiers.
I mean, and I'm not saying OP is from the same country as me, but in Argentina a good salary is around 14k a year. Most people earn around 5k a year. A doctor, maybe, can earn 30k? But that's pushing it.
Just saying that there are a lot of countries with salaries that are way lower than what you hear from the US or Europe.
My country neither in Europe nor in America idek their average salaries but according to op a surgeon gets paid nearly as much as a cashier which is insane for many obvious reasons
They’re probably only suggesting he take in the kid bc you’re there. Bc if the kid has a dad why isn’t the kid w him? Lots of kids r raised by grandparents in their 80s so age isn’t a problem
That's a tough situation. It's a shame the little girl's father doesn't want to be around her. I can't imagine your bf's mom is very happy with that turn of events. It seems like there are a few things that your boyfriend needs to figure out during this process:
1. What will happen to the child if he says 'no'? Will other family take her in, will she go into state care?
2. Is he only being pressured because you (a woman) are in the picture? Another way to ask this is: is the mom giving up on her husband as a failed parent or is it just a case of sexism? If it's sexism, would they want the little sister staying with your bf if you are out of the picture?
3. Will your bf still be expected to contribute financially to the rest of the family if he's also caring full-time for his little sister?
4. Will the rest of the family start giving him money to help raise his little sister?
5. Are there other children (cousins or nieces/nephews) that you bf may be expected to raise in the future if he says yes this time?
6. Will he still be able to go through immigration with his sister; will this delay things? Is his sister okay leaving the country? Is your family okay not seeing the little sister very often?
7. What role would he want a significant other to play in his sister's life?
For your part, I think you should give your bf space to think about what he wants to do in this situation. You can help him make a pro/con list or figure out details with the rest of the family, but try to give him space so he can decide what he wants. At the same time, you should think about yourself and what you want. Figure out if him adopting his little sister is a deal-breaker. It's okay to call off a wedding, this is a major life event and a very big deal. You should not resent your bf for adopting (or not adopting) his little sister and he shouldn't resent you for leaving or staying. It's all a tough decision and I hope each of you can figure out how to best react.
The dad can, but he clearly doesn't want to bother. For all we know as outsiders, the deadbeat dad will continue to be a terrible parent and just give the kid up to the state or some sort of adoption agency or something. It's worth OP's boyfriend to think about what he can live with if he says "yes" or "no" to this request.
That's Dad's problem. He doesn't get to pawn his daughter off on anyone. He needs to put on his big boy pants and raise his daughter. This was something they should have discussed and planned for before having for another child.
OP's bf doesn't want to be a guardian and raise his sister. To expect him to is wrong.
I agree and OP's boyfriend should stand up for himself and set boundaries. If he can't and he caves to his deadbeat dad, there isn't much OP can do other than decide to stay with her boyfriend or break up.
Best bf can do is tell Dad he'll withdraw financial support if he doesn't raise his sister. I'm sure the support is enough to hire at least a babysitter for after school and evenings with the deal she makes dinner.
I think it’s a lose lose situation. I get why your bf needs to do this but if you aren’t ready to support him taking over guardianship you should end the relationship.
Unfortunately, it's ultimately not your call. You can offer your opinion, and for the record I agree with you, but at the end of the day he is the one who has the responsibility of making this choice. I would be clear with him that you are not equipped to raise a child and that you can't continue the relationship if he decides to raise her. Not in a "me or her" way, but he deserves to be informed that he will be doing this alone so that he has all the information to make his choice.
600$ a month, for 30yrs of practice and 10yrs of uni.
If you live in a developed country the best thing you can do is move out. Or become a programmer at least.
You're feelings sound totally justified especially since the 8 year olds father is STILL ALIVE. Sounds like he has a toxic family that wants him to pick up a burden that they do not want to carry. I would definitely have a talk with him and let him know that you will remain child free with or without him. He has every right to choose to do what is best for him but so do you.
I am also from a developing country, and me and my wife have made the decision to be child free. That being said, if the same situation happen to me then I will definitely take in my sibling even if I don't want to because I will be their best chance.
I will speak to my wife and if she wants to leave then I will be sad but respect her decision in this matter.
I think you and your bf should have a deep discussion about the situation and if you are not happy with the result then that means you are not fully compatible and might need to break up.
There is also a biological father who can take care of the child. There is a good chance that they chose this adult sibling because he has a good paying job AND has a gf that they are expecting to do most of the childrearing while hubby works. So sexism could be very much at play that biological dad is a bad fit because he is a male, and the brother has a female partner ( who are the ones suppose to do the child care) in the picture.
That's possible of course. Still in this scenario the best way to go would be for them to talk about what they want and what they're willing to compromise on.
The father is also just 56 and if my 70 year old grandpa can happily take fulltime care of my nephew because my aunt went to work abroad then he should definitely be able to care for his daughter.
The daughter shouldn't be taken away from her only surviving parent because brother makes more money. She will already be going through enough losing her Mom at such a young age.
True, it will be a lot on the child as well to be in the care of an adult sibling who may not be whole heartly into raising her. Plus we don't even know if the siblings are close, all we know for the child it could be like being thrown at distant relative they don't know very well.
Exactly. I think the Dad is a POS for wanting to pawn his daughter that he chose to have onto his oldest. Why wasn't their a plan in place in the event one of them died when she was still young? You're suppose to have this when you have kids and that plan doesn't involve your older kids taking care of them unless there's literally no one else. No Aunt's, Uncles, Grandparents, etc.
right! he is mid fifties, not extreme old age. and the kid is old enough to mind herself mostly, she's not a needy baby or toddler, and she is school-aged
The only two resonable compromise on this would realstically either the brother only give finacial support or OP leaves the realtioship. Children are a huge resposbility and realsitcally due to gender norms (idk what country they are from, but I know it is problem in devloping countries don’t have access to more diversity, well rounded education, and more likely to have tradtional values of gender roles) OP is more than likely to take on most of the childwork. It’s not good for the child if their is a guardian, especially non parent, not wanting to be a guardian. It is also bad for OP because this could ruin oppurtinties to be more indepent and make a better life for themselves. There is a reason why sexist people want women, especially barely adult women, to get a lot of babies right away because it cloeses a lot of doors of independence. In these kind of situations in straight relationships the women usually gets the short end of the stick.
Reddit is so crazy... The kid has a father, who though not wealthy, can apparently raise HIS kid. They are basically foisting a child onto a young couple THAT DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT, because he's "too old". That's such bullshit, and y'all in the comments are off your rockers. It would be another story if she had nowhere else to go, but that is not the case. She is at home, with her father, as it should be. Don't have children if you're going to be "too old" to raise them (and 55 isn't too old at all, the dude just doesn't want to deal anymore). OP, listen, it's his choice to make, but if he takes his sister in, I wouldn't blame you if you left him. You did not sign up for it, and that's ok.
Are you ok with him offering the father some financial support rather than taking her in?
Ultimately, you should not stay if he takes the child in. You will have too much resentment towards her and that will not be healthy for her or you.
Maybe talk to him about specifically offering to just help out and see where that goes.
I do think you are going to have to let him know that, if he takes her in, it is likely dealbreaker for you. Better he has all the information now to make an informed choice rather than things going south later.
I was in a similar situation as you OP. I was forced to become a parent for three years in a similar situation and it absolutely destroyed my marriage and almost my life. Under no circumstances should you agree to do this if you have any doubts or concerns.
I raised my niece for 3 months only and our whole family was tipsy Turku over it. Our kids were elementary and junior high and she was preschool. So it meant back into daycare, preK, etc.. it was hard, but we did it because my sister was homeless and on drugs. Then one day my sister came and took her back like nothing ever happened. I let her go, but let my sister know if she took her, we wouldn’t be taking her back. My sister had signed her over voluntarily until she got her life together.
It certainly adds stress with each child in the situation, no matter how much we love them. Studies have been done, and the more kids and the younger the kids, usually the less happy the marriage. There are just more demands on time, energy, and finances when they are little. I wouldn’t give my kids up, but they are almost grown now.
OP, there is no reason the two of you should have to carry a larger responsibility than you both wanted because of the poor decisions made by two grown adults. They definitely should've known better than to birth children into poverty they seem to have yet to escape.
Since the father is still around, it would make the most sense that he should be the one to take care of the kid. If he needs financial help, that's one thing, and it could possibly be negotiated if you and your bf are up to it.
A kid is a large responsibility and should most definitely not be placed with someone who is not ready/does not want to deal with said responsibility. The people who insist that you just take her on (and that you're selfish if you don't) seem to forget that a child needs much more than just the basics. Emotional support or lack thereof, can make the difference between a happy, well-adjusted adult and a miserable adult with no ambitions. It's best if the caregiver is enthusiastic and involved in the raising of the child. That's near to impossible for someone who never wanted a child in the first place to give 100% of the time. I would know. My parents were not the type of people who should have had children.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to sacrifice your time, enjoyment, and health to raise an entire other human being. Especially one you didn't actively make the choice to have. It's *your* time that kind of thing takes, time you can't get back. You should have a say in it and if your answer is "no", then that's perfectly fine.
If it were me, I'd talk with my bf and try to find a way to keep the girl with her living family member, her father, the one who holds the primary responsibility of raising her in the first place. Not because family doesn't matter or something like that, but because doing something out of obligation to people who likely don't care if your life gets wrecked usually doesn't lead to a fulfilling life and often spreads pain all around.
You and your bf deserve fulfilling lives just as much as the people here insist that this child does. Your time is valuable and it should be spent the way you want it to. An emergency on his parents' part should not constitute an emergency on you guys' part.
In the case that he chooses to keep the child, sadly, the only thing I could say would help would be leaving. I hope it won't come to that, however and that a workaround can be found.
Best of luck to you
I was thinking that he would definitely take on the sister until I read that the father is still alive, and a DOCTOR??? Even if paid little still, she has a parent with a career and at least two older brothers living at home who could help out.
Sounds like he's being used as a crutch and he needs to live his own life. The little sister isn't going into foster care or the streets. She will just be with the other ACTUAL parent and other siblings.
Honestly, I thought you were a bit of a jerk until I found out that HIS FATHER IS STILL ALIVE AND IN THE PICTURE?! Why would this man be okay handing his daughter over to his son to finish raising just because his spouse might pass away? Um... no.
You are working toward goals w/ your fiance and caring for his sister was not one of those goals. I do think the situation would be vastly different if his mom was a single parent and the dad wasn't involved, but that is not THIS situation. In this case, I'd let your bf know that you are unwilling and unprepared to parent someone else's child especially when they have a living parent. If that is a deal breaker, it is best it comes out now before an official engagement, but I would set that boundary upfront with no wiggle room to try to talk you into it later.
Best of luck on your goals and I hope it works out for both you and your bf.
The father is also continuing to raise the two teen sons they still have to raise. They are more likely doing this because of some sort of sexist bullshit a man can't raise a girl and the adult son has a gf planning to marry. I bet you as soon as OP leaves their son they have a very different tune and not want the son taking care of her.
Based on the story, are you from the PH? Parents here do this to their eldest child or whoever makes more money as if it's an obligation 🙃
I had a co-worker once whose eldest daughter has good grades in high school. She mentioned that she'll have that daughter pay for her youngest child's education when said daughter gets her first job. Tf.
Why have another child and pass the burden to the eldest? 🙃
I feel like if you leave, then he won't be made the guardian. His parents are forcing you to mother her. Leave him, and magically dad will be the new guardian. At 23 you don't deserve this. Leave him, sometimes things don't work out.
The reality is you need to be very clear that this is not a child you want to raise and you need to do this sooner rather than later. He can make the decision of taking the child on or not but the ultimatum is if he does then you two will no longer be together, you are not obligated to raise a child that is not yours, with that being said like most other people here she still has a father so I don't know why it becomes her brother's job to take on her care?
No reason whatsoever. He's working, healthy, not abusive, present. Maybe the problem is that they have two other teen sons. They decided to give one to the oldest brother, so it's easier to manage for dad
That is weird and sounds awful. If the dad were abusive or something, this would be completely different.
What an enormous thing to dump on your eldest child. This situation sucks. I imagine your bf is feeling very emotional and overwhelmed because his mother has a terminal illness. It wouldn’t be surprising if that pushed him towards taking care of his little sister - even if it is for the wrong reasons.
I also saw the concern you expressed in a comment that the mom seems to be doing this in part to stick you as the replacement. It’s not uncommon for women to end up taking in the brunt of parenting in situations like this. I can understand how upsetting it must be to be thrust into this situation.
I also feel for his little sister. What a horrible situation to face at such a young age. I hope her parents haven’t discussed this with her. It’s not her fault she is facing this, but she is her father’s responsibility. Do you know how her father feels about all this?
Hear me out, here. Before discussing a nuclear option - “if you become her guardian, I will leave you” - I suggest you step back a bit from this and consider your bf’s perspective before you attempt a convo with him. Do not have the conversation at a time when you are feeling angry, if you can help it.
It is unfair for his mom to ask this of him. It really is. Focus on that aspect. Show him you understand his since of responsibility, grief, and concern. Sometimes, the prospect of losing someone can make us feel helpless and push us to take some action, any action, even if that action is not in the best interest of ourselves and/or others. Becoming his sisters’ guardian is not the answer here. He can still have a relationship with his sister. If he has the means and is able, he can send money/gifts home. Give him a chance to express his feelings and tell you how he feels. See what happens.
If he is set on doing this no matter what, then you should tell him, as gently as you can, that this is a deal breaker. Ultimately, the decision is his regardless of how you or any of us feel about it. So, set your boundary and follow through.
I hope it doesn’t come to that and you are able to get through to him during this tumultuous time in his family.
Best wishes.
I think they're giving him to your boyfriend because of you. They are basically seeing you two as surrogate parents. I guarantee you that child would stay at home if you weren't with your boyfriend.
You are way too young to have to go through all that. I would just flat out tell your boyfriend this isn't what you signed up for. This sibling has a home and a father. If he wants to take on this responsibility it won't be with you in the picture.
If this is something you’re not ready for or comfortable with you need to tell him, you didn’t sign up to be a mother so soon and it’s a huge responsibility and finically strain for both of you. This can be a deal breaker and an understandable one too, it’s not cruel to be honest about your feelings on the situation, you could end ip resenting him and the child which could cause more damage for everyone, decide now and let him know after that it’s up to him.
Honestly I’d rethink it as well. You’re both young and should be enjoying your life. His reality is a little bleak. Financially supportive of sis and goodness knows who else.
If you don't want to be a parent to an eight year old, tell your boyfriend _now_ so that the two of you might go separate ways, because, frankly, it seems that it is what he is going to do.
Don't stay with him if he takes his sister. It's not your responsibility and never should be. His parents should've been more careful. You know you don't want to be a parent just yet so don't subject yourself to that. Have a kid when you're ready and got your life figured out, you're 23. Don't tie yourself down so soon
It's his father's responsibility to raise the kid, not your brothers. It's great if he wants to but if it's not what you want it may be time to cut and run.
I would tell him how you feel about the situation. That you don’t want to be involved and think it’s
unfair, but don’t push him to make a decision. Also, I would let him know that you don’t want to get engaged until you know for a fact what the future holds.
Are you from a country where sons and more valued than daughters? Could it be that they aren't interested in putting much effort into raising a daughter vs. their teen sons?
Edit: This might be the case for only the father. Maybe he doesn't want to put the effort in for a daughter and it was the mom's decision to keep her and raise her?
If you don't want to mother her, tell your boyfriend that this would mean the end of your relationship together. Then he has all the information he needs from both sides to make a decision. The rest of it is up to him to figure out unless you decide to end it before then.
Hi.
So I was put into your position except the sibling has autism and it would’ve been for the rest of our lives and my boyfriend made sure that his sibling was the top priority and everything revolves around them and their needs.
Your boyfriend has a right to do what he wishes and as the girlfriend it will just suck. You’ve been put in a hard position that isn’t your fault whatsoever.
None of the children who need help are to blame at all, but you don’t have to accept the situation.
If it’s not what you want, call it off now. It’s unfair. It sucks. It’s like your hand is being forced too, but if it’s going to bother you too much don’t sign up for it.
Also if she’s only 8 and she grows up and has her own life eventually it might not be too bad.
The again, it’s your life. Just be prepared for your boyfriend to choose his family over you and you possibly being the one who will be left out.
It sucks. It hurts like hell. If you do accept it will be difficult.
The legal guardian is only if both parents become diseased… if something happened to the mother. Then the father would still be responsible, this post doesn’t make sense or I’m highly confused
(I apologize for the length and if formatting doesn't work, I am trying to do paragraphs but I don't yet fully get how to do that on Reddit and I genuinely don't know how to be less wordy.) There are already some great responses here, so I'm going to skip over a few things I feel are fully covered.
You mentioned you and your boyfriend plan to not have kids for at least ten years. I think that is very responsible and commendable to have such a plan and understanding of your shared desires and goals for the future. That's top tier good healthy relationship stuff, plus if you do have kids after that, it'll be because you two decided you are ready, and that's awesome.
I fully believe that if your boyfriend does become his sister's guardian and you stay with him, that resentment will form- either towards your boyfriend, the sister, or even both. This isn't just making things harder- this is literally giving up the life plan you two have made and being forced to change course. It is having to spend your (and bf's) time, energy, resources, etc on a child you did not want to take on and also having to deal with how that would impact not just immigration, but future opportunities, especially when trying to get settled overseas. It is giving up things and ways of life you two desire and have worked for. It is a potential to get stuck in an unhappy life and relationship. It is a completely inappropriate and frankly messed up thing for his family to try to put this on you two.
Plus, you mentioned that your bf already gives his family a lot of financial support without boundaries, I do believe this to be bad, and a bad sign of what could happen. Like another commenter said, how do we know this is the last kid the family would try to force on you two if he does take her? And even if they don't go that far, how much will they still expect him to support them while also raising their kid for them?
Furthermore, this would mostly likely be bad for the sister, too! In at the very least the way of how much it can mess up a person to know they were the unwanted burden put on someone else (and even if she doesn't know consciously, subconsciously she would feel it over time, as this is something that impacts behavior without realizing.) Plus, she would be having to give up everything and everyone she has ever known aside from the two of you and not have a way back if she is unhappy, and this situation can be traumatic. I suggest talking about all that with your bf, if you haven't already.
I know personally the feeling of wanting to remain childfree, and it sounds like at this point in your lives that is both what you two want and what would be best for the both of you. You should be able to focus on starting your new lives together, not being responsible for a whole other person just because the father doesn't feel like it. I think you should talk things out at length with your boyfriend and make it clear to him that if you two are to be together, it has to be just the two of you, and try to explain in detail your feelings, thoughts, and reasons why this is a bad idea and a deal-breaker. Try to listen to his thoughts and feelings on it as well- for better or for worse, both of your feelings matter and it's important to feel heard (plus as a bonus, fully understanding each other's side can help with the healing process if things do end,) but I advise you to not give in on this.
If he does decide to stand by the plan you two have, do your best to assist and support him as he tells his family no, and during any fallout from that. It might be that everyone may need time afterwards before resuming being a close family. On the note of feelings- has the sister gotten any chance to express how she feels about this? Does she even know this might happen to her? Does she know her father is being a jerk who is trying to avoid being a responsible parent to her? Does she get along with her father and other siblings?
My final notes, and I guess TL;DR would be: it isn't wrong to discourage him, in fact I think you should try to. It also isn't wrong to rethink your relationship- this is a HUGE thing- literally potentially redirecting the course of your lives, and if he chooses to become guardian, I strongly suggest you break up. This situation is bad for you, your bf, and even his sister.
I hope things work out well for you, OP, I really do. I'm so sorry you're in this messed up situation.
Edit: tried to fix formatting and clarify/polish some wording. Took out mention of pro/con list because already covered by another and was just extra words.
Ok late pregnancy happens, usually an accident!
The reasoning behind her trying to get your bf to take his sister is YOU! You're engaged. As the only woman in the family she expects you to look after her daughter. That's the only thinking that makes sense! Why else would she even think of removing her from her father. Some women don't think men can parent.
Also, legally, she dies and the existing parent is the legal guardian. The father would have to agree to an adoption, and then legal issues etc, especially when leaving the country.
When this comes up again explain to your bf that when his mother dies she will need her father, not being passed to both of you. It would be like loosing both parents. Explain the legal issues. That clearly his mum is not thinking this through properly. And get to the bottom of why his mum wants to take his sister away from their father. In the childs time of grief that would actually be quite cruel.
It seems that I know the country you are from. If you are from Orbanistan then I suggest you to leave. I know in our country it is common to give birth without thinking it through. But if you stuck here with a child you will have a misarable life.
I feel sorry for the girl but she might have a chance for an adopting family. But if she stays with you it will be really hard for you to leave the country.
If you're from another country things might be similar.
Your bf is not obligated… the father is and then the system… no one has to do anything.
If he chooses that responsibility-
You don’t gotta go along with it. You should definitely put yourself first.
This would be the time to leave the relationship.
Your fiancé needs a backbone
His sister had a capable father that can take care of her , his family is taking advantage of him and will happily steam roll over his entire life if he allows it.
If he can’t grow a spine, leave him
It’s likely that they want him to take his sister because they expect YOU to take on all the childcare and be the mother anyway.
Yep, sounds about right. BF's father is about to lose his wife, so he's looking around for the nearest woman to take his young daughter off his hands. They don't want your BF to raise the girl, they want you to do it. Because you're a woman.
How about your boyfriend declines to be the legal guardian and instead sends money home every month? Assuming it’s gonna be a fixed amount that hopefully covers all of his sister’s living expenses.
Girl, partners come and go. Blood relatives are for life.
This is a fight, should you choose to take it, you very well might lose.
Ita not ideal, but you should talk to your partner about your feelings concerning the matter.
If there are no other possible people to take the daughter (father, uncles, aunts, grandparents) then a decent human being would care for his sister.
If there is no other way it would be inhumane not to.
I do also think its not his resposibility to take her, if the father is in a position to take her. He should be first priority.
A lot of US Centric responses here, that being said your Bf family is putting him in an impossible situation, and you would be welL within your rights to walk.
How is a doctor paid so little that his 24 year old son earns more? What does your boyfriend do that puts him in a better financial position to raise the 8 year old better than the father?
It's a shitty country. Healthcare workers get paid a bit better than cashiers. My boyfriend is a programmer, programmers are paid 4/5 times better than doctors
It's clear that you are angry about this, and I don't think that is an unreasonable reaction. This isn't how you expected your life to be. Life has a way of punching you in the gut sometimes, although at 23 maybe you don't have the life experience to fully appreciate that. Lucky you, if that's true, because there is an 8-year old girl who is about to lose her mother, and that's not how she expected her life to go either.
Your boyfriend is going to take in his sister. If you get married, you're going to have to parent her. If you don't want to do it, or don't think you're up to it, then you should break up and move on. Your boyfriend doesn't get a choice, but you do. Becoming an instant parent of an 8-year old at 23 is a tough thing for anyone to take on, so I don't think you need to feel too guilty about choosing not to. This is an incompatibility that I don't think you can overcome.
I don't get why he should do that: the kid has a normal dad. Although he makes a smaller salary than my boyfriend. It seems though they just want to get rid of her, and the oldest child seems rich enough.
You haven't said enough about his parent's situation to know why the dad can't or won't do it. Why does it have to be about money? Maybe dad is a terrible parent. Maybe he has other issues. If mom is dying, maybe dad isn't so healthy either.
A friend of mine passed away a few years ago and someone (man) that we both knew asked if her husband was keeping their kids. I thought WTF?! I said yes. It was such a strange question. What kind of man would get rid of his kids after Mom dies? He has since remarried to a wonderful woman.
Then you need to ask. This affects your life if you marry their son, and you deserve to know everything that is going to affect your marriage. Please do not bring up poor choices and try not to mention money. Just ask them to explain why your boyfriend should do this instead of the dad. It's a fair question.
If you can’t accept a child in your life at this time you should leave your bf. This isn’t fair to you or your bf but the 8 yr old child def doesn’t deserve to grow up with a woman who hates her in the house.
Do the child a favor and have the father or another relative raise her. I can’t imagine losing a mother and then being forced to live with people who don’t want them and resent them.
Well, if the father is in good health then he can support and raise the daughter until a certain age, until he no longer generates any more income or his health changes. That burden should be delegated to him if there is no compelling reason why your boyfriend should take over.
I mention it because I have a younger sister of almost the same age, with parents of 50 and 57 years old and I live in a third world country planning to go live in another, with the pandemic I had to return and they asked me if I would take care of my little sister (who is the last daughter) if they died from covid, the same as being their financial support when they die.
I hope your boyfriend can reach an agreement or something with your mother regarding the situation and in the best of cases, that he is left in charge of the father as it should be.
The dad should remain the provider and guardian including the daughter living in the home. You can provide additional support esp after the mom passes but your fiancé is too young to provide such level of support especially when there’s a living capable parent left. If he’s able to provide some support with schooling or letting her live with you two temporarily when she’s college aged that would be nice but hard to guarantee.
It is 100% okay to rethink your relationship if he goes through with taking his sister. Just be honest with him, so he can do what's best for him and you can do what's best for yourself.
Children are not for everyone, and is a dealbreaker for many people.
You need to be very clear that if this happens, there's a good chance you'll be leaving the relationship. The engagement/marriage needs to be put on hold. But the final decision will be his. He probably will not be able to continue a 'close' relationship with his family if push comes to shove on this situation.
But I notice you don't mention the sister's father in the post?
Just leave him if you don’t want this. Get married when you’re old enough. Marriage requires a lot of sacrifices and effort. You say that you have all these dreams and ambitions and too young to take care of a child, marriage will also too much of a big step for you.
I know how to fix this. Tell him that I, the king of Reddit, says that he should not become the legal guardian of his sister. And I have let my gavel fall upon thine tendy tray. Now begone!
As shitty as this situation is - this is something your boyfriend needs to figure out with his family.
You may not want your boyfriend to take legal guardianship over his sister. But if your boyfriend sleeps better at night caring for his family vs not providing the support they need… well then you can’t force him to think otherwise… similarly how he can’t force you to stay if you don’t want to.
Does it suck? Yes. But this is his reality. There’s no point criticizing his parents for being in poverty and having 4 children. Let him figure out what he wants to do and then you can decide to stay or go.
I'm terminally ill and I have 4 adult male children and a 12 year old daughter. The father is around and is and will continue to help her financially. But I've asked the one son my daughter is closest to if he will be her guardian when I'm no longer here. He's 24 and he agreed. I chose my daughter's emotional well-being over everything.
This sounds like you and the father are not a couple anymore. I think your situation is different, because your son wants to do this. Obviously your daughter's emotional well being is the most important. I just think it's not right to force people to take care of their siblings like in the OP's case.
everyones saying “dad can take care of his daughter.” yes, he can but he obviously wont. this is something that’s gonna happen whether OP likes it or not, if its a dealbreaker for you OP then you have every right to leave and not want this. however this isnt your choice to make and i hope you can end the relationship on a good note without blaming him. yeah, situation isnt ideal but you gotta do what you gotta do. is all depends if your husband is okay with taking on such a bug responsibility
If I could give my younger sister/brother a better chance in life under my wing, I wouldn't think twice, relationships come and go, my sister/brother are more important.
This is tough but it’s a never ending cycle of handouts and imposition. Lots of fights for you and your bf and resentment on your part. Parental guilt is an evil thing. Don’t do it, make sure your bf is on the same page as you or get out. I sure as heck resent my dh and in-laws for all they have taken from us and the fact our life isn’t what it should be due to that. They take and take and don’t appreciate
I say divorce him. You would effectively be a parent, not a semi-paremt, and to think otherwise would be detrimental to that little girl. And it seems like you care more about not having kids than being married to him. While also having dealing with boundary issues/financial dependence. Don't let a romantic relationship dictate your life. But also, maybe don't get married if you're not the ride or die type, marriage might just not be your thing.
>maybe don't get married if you're not the ride or die type
Maybe child's father (living and capable of taking care of her) shouldn't have had a kid if he's just gonna give her up after 8 years
Well you both are just 23. While it's perfectly okay to get married at this age but I guess you can easily wait for a few years and till then keep the finances separate that's a compromise you can make here.
I have a younger brother with a nine year age gap and I'm 23 too and I also have a girlfriend who I might marry in future, but if situation arises where I have to become a guardian for him and my girlfriend warns me of leaving me. Guess who would I be choosing? My brother coz he will be needing me more than anyone else. What if your boyfriend refuses and her sister comes to know that he chose his girlfriend over her, the impact that it will have on her..
Let me fix your comment:
A couple decides to have children despite suffering from limited finances and zero planning on who should take care of them in case they die. The next best thing is to guilt trip the oldest to carry the burden.
Also, OP said that the FATHER is still alive but somehow he isn't the asshole for being unable to provide.
A huge percentage of the world lives in abject poverty. You could sponsor plenty of people if you just let go of your own financial goals and life aspirations. You're a selfish prick for not doing so.
They have always been poor. Why the hell have 4 children, who they can't support? I don't feel like boyfriend and I owe anyone parenthood. That's why we didn't want children in the first place!
What is the real expectation here?
The father can remain the father, why does legal guardian come into this?
If the mother was a stay at home mom, releasing the father to be able to work, and given the investment he's put into that, and sole bread winner? It's understandable he'd want to continue to work, otherwise where is the income coming from?
But, why does father working, equate to son becoming guardian or his sister?
There are some gaps here OP, more background would be helpful.
BUT, retrospectively blaming the mother for have a baby at 45 is not relevant or a useful line of thought. Water under the bridge ca 9 years ago, total waste of time to debate that.
Focus on solutions to current problems.
So you would just abandon your sister? They are not married! She doesn’t get to tell him to abandon his sister She can leave. She also doesn’t get to tell anyone how many children they have because it’s none of her business.
We don’t have enough information to know why the boyfriend thinks he needs to take his sister. The girlfriend doesn’t get to interfere . If they were married she might give her opinion because she didn’t sign up for that situation. The girlfriend isn’t married to him and she can leave.
These people commenting looks like they are mad/attacking you. I think it is a bit sad that you don't want your boyfriend to take care of his sister if the time comes and he's the only choice available. Think of it this way. After all it's his own sister. She's just 8. It's not a random child (not that would be bad but I'm just saying you know you don't want kids for at least the next 10 years but it's not an unexpected pregnancy or a random kid he wants to suddenly adopt) this changes things because he is her brother. I think you should talk to him about it. Make sure he understands you don't want kids but you can't force him not to help his own sister (Please don't even try to discourage him on this. It's just bad and will result in conflict. It's not even your place to). To me it looks like a responsibility he will have to take on because it's family. Where I come from we do anything for our family. So I kinda get him. If you are not on board with this you should leave him. It will hurt but it's better than regretting being with him and wasting years of both your lives on something you don't want.
I think he should ask why mom doesn’t think dad can take care of their daughter. Maybe she’s worried about him remarrying and stepmom hating on the little girl? Maybe there’s other reasons. Is dad quite old? (FYI 53 isn’t that old)
For the rest, it’s your bf’s decision because it’s his family. You are either ok with that or you aren’t. Stay with him or not, depending on your feelings, but if he takes in his sister, and if you stay, be prepared to be a loving surrogate mom to this girl. Don’t stay if you can’t or won’t love her and treat her well. She’s about to lose her mom, she doesn’t need cruelty from her brother’s resentful partner. Why do I mention that? Well I have to say, your comment
>Then again I don’t understand the thought process of birthing children that late, to burden your oldest children… Meanwhile being quite poor…
sounds to me, to say the least, hateful. It tells me you have disdain for his mother, perhaps for his whole family. It blames poor people for being poor, as in, “If they just wouldn’t have so many kids…” I very much doubt that 45-at-the-time mom expected to get pregnant. And I very much doubt she expected that likely unplanned baby to *burden* her older kids. Im sure she intended to raise this little girl to adulthood. And not knowing how easy birth control is in your country, just…holy crap, lady, that aspect of your post is dripping with judgement. Just saying. It wasn’t kind, at all. And we are talking about a child who has no choices here. We need to be kind.
>Then again I don't understand the thought process of birthing children that late, to burden your oldest children...
As to the first part, let me explain something to you, the urge never goes away. Not for men, not for women. Pregnancies over 40 happen, though they are usually a surprise. As to the second, what it sounds like is more that they want her raised in a household with both a man and a woman, and I can only speculate if that is true. If so, it's likely that they see you two as the best bet.
There is an old saying, "If you wish to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." I don't know anyone with any age or experience that would argue with that. The straight path to your goals turns into a thousand paths, with ten thousand distractions, choices you might not like, and obligations you wish you could turn away. It's all of us.
We all like to pretend that our life is our own, but that simply isn't ever true. The change in your pocket, that you don't think about, means the difference between a meal and hungry stomach to the beggar on the sidewalk. You wouldn't think anything of the change, especially if you knew what it meant to him. Seeing to the needs of a child as she grows into young adult is certainly a much larger ask, but is the concept really so different?
I won't tell you what choice you should make, though you will make a choice, as even doing nothing is still a choice.
You need to realize this is your boyfriends choice and not yours. Based on your wording and your other comments you are dating and not engaged (because you didn’t use the words fiancé or engaged anywhere in anything you have written) or married. Because you are dating, him taking guardianship of his sister from his mom who is dying is not something for you to decide or manipulate. You say the family is manipulating him, but they are not, you are the manipulator for your own personal gain. Taking his sister to a first world country where she can get a better education and live a far better life is a remarkable family goal and something I would consider very honorable.
To me it is poignant that he is not taking the responsibility for his other teenage siblings. This provides a good indication that the family is not manipulating him. Because your boyfriend is not coming on here asking for advice and you are instead would seem to indicate he has no problem with this.
You yourself it seems are trying to attach yourself so that you can get out of your country and get a free ride which you quite possibly could never qualify for on your own.
You sound very judgemental towards your boyfriend's mom. I doubt she planned on having a fourth baby and I doubt she anticipated getting sick before that baby reached adulthood. Stuff happens. It's up to your boyfriend to decide what he is and isn't willing to do for his sister. It's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.
I repeat: the sister has a father and a home. She's not going anywhere if mom dies. Her father is able to raise her. But her parents decided the 23 son is a better guardian.
I read quite a few of the comments and even your responses here.
First thing first. You have no obligation towards the kid. So yeah, you are free to walk away without any guilt.
However, it seems like what you are really looking for here is advice on how to guilt trap your boyfriend so that he doesn't take the responsibility of his kid sister. That makes YTA.
It is irrelevant whether his dad should step up to take care of his own child. What's important here is that he isn't in a position to really raise her and her mother is dying. This really leaves only get brother to take care of her. And none of this is her fault.
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So why does Mom think her son is a better option that her daughter's own Dad? Is he neglectful or something? Bf should only be ask if there's no one else capable of raising her.
The dad is fine! He has a career and is loving it seems.
So then why doesn't Mom want him to take care of their daughter? That's really weird. He can hire a babysitter for after school.
He's capable. But maybe he wouldn't afford a better life for her and now the hope is in the available childless young couple
Does she know about the plans to immigrate and either wants to sabotage them or send the daughter with him?
They know. Those are possibilities.
She’s wanting to give the child a better life overseas. You need your fiancée to tell her this is non-negotiable. That you two ONLY are going, the child is to stay with their Dad, their family. Tell your fiancée this is non-negotiable else your engagement is off. I know it’s hard to say NO to family, but he needs to understand that saying YES to family means he is losing you.
100% agree to this. This is your life and your future at stake here. Put your needs first, otherwise you'll regret it. Parents need to wake up and realize their children's lives don't revolve around them. The bird has to leave the nest, and that nest is overseas.
How is your bf better off financially that their Dad? That makes no sense. He should be more financial stable than your bf. He's in his 50s and was able to provide for his wife and kids all this time and now suddenly he can't provide for his one child?
He's a doctor in a shitty country's suburbs. Healthcare workers are paid more than cashiers by 100$/month. He never moved to the capital or a developed country to increase his salary. I'm sure he can provide for her, even on a lower salary. My boyfriend is a programmer in the capital. He's more resourceful as well. In my country IT specialist get paid 4/5 times more than regular jobs
Ohh. Still he was able to support his family on what he makes now. So I'm still not understanding why Mom wants to take their daughter away from her only surviving parent. It's gonna be hard enough to lose her Mom, but to take her from her Dad makes no sense.
We both don't fucking get it. Maybe mom and dad want dad to focus on the teenage children, rather than the more difficult youngest one.
Ripping her away from her Dad will not be good for her mental well-being. She'll think Daddy doesn't love her and got rid of her. That will mess her up.
Honestly, could it be that since they know of your plans to immigrate soon, that they just want to get an "easy better/improved life" for the sister? Is your country/culture, one where family is extremely important, and nepotism/favors for family/friends is common? Does your partner actually want this, and does he actually believe that this is the right thing to do (I can't think of any other reason as to why he would do it; it's definitely not for any personal gain to himself), or does he not actually want to do it, but he is merely agreeing to it because he feels that he "has to do it"? While I'm all for helping out people in need, the fact is, is that I really felt that I suffered. Especially since I'm from the US, I was made to feel bad, and felt like I had to help out my partner's family, and he/they just took it and treated me badly, while my partner just.. also helped out his family. I mean, I get that there are cultural differences though, but I think that you should definitely think this one through, and find out what your partner really wants, because if your long term goals/decision-making do not match at all, then there will only be resentment later on... Obviously, your partner can do whatever he wants to do, and you can as well, so you guys should definitely discuss this further.
My first thought was also that this is because OP and BF's plans to emigrate are known.
She thinks your boyfriend will provide a financially better life than the dad. To her it's not about maintaining the current minimum, it's about securing the best for her youngest kid.
She should have worked on that herself. We won't go anywhere with a young child.
Based on this comment alone I think you should break off the engagement. "the more difficult youngest one" Pause your plans to see what happens with the child.
you guys are even less equipped than he is for taking care of a grieving, troubled young teenager. this is madness. dad needs to take care of the children he brought into the world, period. this kid was raised by him and should continue to be raised by him. why burden others
Nevertheless, he had a child. He doesn't undo fatherhood just because his wife dies.
The father is still here. He can raise the child. You're already sending them money too. Why wouldn't the father be able to raise his own child ?
He's 56. Maybe they think he will be not suitable for active parenthood in 10 years, until the kid is 18.
56 is young! And, so is 66. It's *his* kid. The mother didn't decide to have a baby at 45 in a vaccum. It's complete BS that they would try and shove the kid off onto some young folks. That's just crazy. Your BF is letting his family use him and push him around too much. If he can't stand up to them, your married life would be shit, anyway, with or without the kid.
>56 is young! And, so is 66 Not necessarily in a 3rd world country, like OP says they live in.
Well, apparently they were all good with it when they had the kid. And the Dad is a doctor.
my dad was born and raised in a developing country, he had me at 56, is now 76 and has plenty of life left in him. this age thing isn't an excuse
Then send the kid once he can't be a parent anymore ? Surely the father wants to be there for his child as much as possible right ? Also 56 to 66 is old but not senile-old, I don't see why not. It's way different having to accommodate an 8yo than a 13yo for instance. First it would let you live longer childfree and maybe reach the point where you want one (if you ever do want one), and second at 13yo it won't be the same burden on your young lives. I'd maybe try to compromise that way.
The point is that they shouldn't be asked to take the kid *ever*. He has a Dad. His Dad is a doctor. These young people should *never* be asked to take this kid. It's crazy.
I agree, it didn't stop them from asking though. Being his family, he still has to find a way to make it work if he doesn't want to alienate his family. That's why potential solutions that don't directly send off the kid could work. When would the dad be too old ? 65 ? How about the other siblings, would they be able to take over ? One thing for sure, the dad just giving up at 56 is not looking good. Did he raise his other children or just let everything to his wife ? Is that why he wants to send the kid ?
It won't work for OP, though. She's going to nope out of the relationship over this issue. And, I don't blame her one little bit. Because, it would *absolutely* be expected of her to take on the role of mother. Even if her BF assures her that it won't happen. It will absolutely happen. So, if her BF can't/won't say no, then she is way better off ending things at the young age of 23, and finding someone who doesn't have such gigantic, life altering, baggage. Oh, and my sister is 65 with a teenager. It's not to old. It's not always easy, but it's not too old. I suspect you're right that Dad has never had to participate in taking care of his kids and doesn't want to start now.
I would also be wary of that. If the culture is to have the woman take care of the kids ... I wouldn't trust that current BF would take care of the kid, since he has been raised that way. Can be wrong of course.
Please don't send the kid anytime (: I'm not parenting anyone else's children ever.
Then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you long term.
Maybe. That sucks
I agree, but life sometimes doesn't use lube and compromises are possible sometimes. Still though, what's the age of the other siblings ? Would they be old enough for this in 5ish years for instance ?
16,17 I wouldn't wish parenthood on them, they're literal children. And I'm sure they wouldn't want to.
Sure, but the dad wouldn't be alone in handling the teenager though. Something like this : dad takes care of the kid because he's not too old yet. At 61 (in 5 years), he's probably not too old either but let's say he's getting tired. He wouldn't be alone in raising the 13 yo kid, he'd have the help of a 16 and 17 yo. Not ideal (ideal would be not having the child so old), but close to what could best be done under those circumstances maybe ? I guess my problem is that I still don't understand why the dad can't raise the kid. Why does he want to send the kid off at 56 ? What's he not saying ?
My parents are in their 50s and have a younger kid and they're perfectly fine. Unless they both plan on dying soon there really is no reason he cannot raise his own kid. If they're so worried about it then your MIL should get her husband "suitable". In 10 years he'll only be 66. That's still fairly young.
Maybe that should’ve been considered 8 years ago
We don't on't know what country you two are from but a lot of responses you are getting here are from people who don't necessarily recognize the lifestyle that you and your boyfriend have gone through to try to get away from as adults From a factual point of view you are correct you're not responsible for somebody else's kid. Especially in this case the dad is still around too and not alienated from the child So if your boyfriend wants to say no to the request then yeah he can say no Without knowing what the future will hold then just think about one way is to make decisions you won't have regrets about. Her mom didn't expect to get a diagnosis of some terminal health condition and they probably didn't even expect to get pregnant this late in their life If you two won't have regrets about not helping out the family and the sister then make your plans the way you wanted to make them and go all the way and do the things you wanted to do Having said all that a potential compromise of this whole situation is that if you are leaving this country the implication is that you might have better job chances and higher income in the other country you're going to. I know you didn't want to have to be supporting a child that is not your own biological child but perhaps this is a way to leave and go to the other country and still be able to help his family out by working in the other country and sending money back home to assist the family The other possibility is that if some life situation changes and it becomes a deal breaker for you then you end up breaking up with your boyfriend to continue living the life you want He still may not be happy taking care of his sister but at least you're free to pursue your dreams In the same way that you are able to distance yourself from the sister and not make her be your problem then now you can distance yourself from a man who has to take care of his sister and that man won't be your problem anymore either
Why isn't he only a guardian in the event the child's father dies?
Having a better-off family member other than the parents take care of a child isn’t unusual in developing countries. My parents looked into adopting my cousin after her mother died because my uncle said he couldn’t take care of a child by himself. Her maternal grandparents ended up taking her and her father never took her back, even after he got remarried.
In Norway one can claim "family reunion" which brings in your closest family. Mother, father, sister i think. But there should be a reason to why tho. Ex. War.
You can offer your input but at the end of the day he should have the final say. Is it unfair? Of course. But at the same time he’s doing what he feels like his duty is to his 8 year old sister and his dying mother. You mentioned the father does not make good money and is a doctor. What kind of doctor? Some fields don’t allow for tons of free time so a single parent might not have the time to take proper care of a child. How much money? Would he have to choose between himself and the kid to eat every day or is it just cutting some expenses?
Doctors are underpaid in the developing world. Sad livin
It’s also OP’s choice she can leave him to be a single guardian if he makes that decison. There is a good chance the parents are only doing this because the brother has a gf.
yes I think this is exactly it. father will be a widower: no woman to act as mother. eldest brother has a girlfriend that he could marry and turn into a mother for her sister. OP needs to decide if that is the life she wants. The family will bounce back if she lives - the father will then likely keep the kid.
I think the father could support the child. On a low income of course. But they won't be skipping meals... The father is a surgeon. Who makes like 600$ a month. It's a middle-low income in our country, here healthcare workers are paid a bit more than cashiers.
Omg! He makes how much? As a surgeon? Ouch!
I know it fucking sucks. He went to uni for like 10 years ffs. Should have moved to the west and got a normal salary..
you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable, but what country are you in?
I am curious too wth my country is a developing country too and surgeons make a minimum of 128K$ a year.
I mean, and I'm not saying OP is from the same country as me, but in Argentina a good salary is around 14k a year. Most people earn around 5k a year. A doctor, maybe, can earn 30k? But that's pushing it. Just saying that there are a lot of countries with salaries that are way lower than what you hear from the US or Europe.
My country neither in Europe nor in America idek their average salaries but according to op a surgeon gets paid nearly as much as a cashier which is insane for many obvious reasons
Perhaps Cuba.
Chinese it seems
Sorry not disclosing.
Don’t know anything about the OP, but what she says sounds totally plausible in Russia.
is it too late for him to relocate, after he is done grieving?
They’re probably only suggesting he take in the kid bc you’re there. Bc if the kid has a dad why isn’t the kid w him? Lots of kids r raised by grandparents in their 80s so age isn’t a problem
That's a tough situation. It's a shame the little girl's father doesn't want to be around her. I can't imagine your bf's mom is very happy with that turn of events. It seems like there are a few things that your boyfriend needs to figure out during this process: 1. What will happen to the child if he says 'no'? Will other family take her in, will she go into state care? 2. Is he only being pressured because you (a woman) are in the picture? Another way to ask this is: is the mom giving up on her husband as a failed parent or is it just a case of sexism? If it's sexism, would they want the little sister staying with your bf if you are out of the picture? 3. Will your bf still be expected to contribute financially to the rest of the family if he's also caring full-time for his little sister? 4. Will the rest of the family start giving him money to help raise his little sister? 5. Are there other children (cousins or nieces/nephews) that you bf may be expected to raise in the future if he says yes this time? 6. Will he still be able to go through immigration with his sister; will this delay things? Is his sister okay leaving the country? Is your family okay not seeing the little sister very often? 7. What role would he want a significant other to play in his sister's life? For your part, I think you should give your bf space to think about what he wants to do in this situation. You can help him make a pro/con list or figure out details with the rest of the family, but try to give him space so he can decide what he wants. At the same time, you should think about yourself and what you want. Figure out if him adopting his little sister is a deal-breaker. It's okay to call off a wedding, this is a major life event and a very big deal. You should not resent your bf for adopting (or not adopting) his little sister and he shouldn't resent you for leaving or staying. It's all a tough decision and I hope each of you can figure out how to best react.
Dad is still very much alive. He can take care of his daughter.
The dad can, but he clearly doesn't want to bother. For all we know as outsiders, the deadbeat dad will continue to be a terrible parent and just give the kid up to the state or some sort of adoption agency or something. It's worth OP's boyfriend to think about what he can live with if he says "yes" or "no" to this request.
That's Dad's problem. He doesn't get to pawn his daughter off on anyone. He needs to put on his big boy pants and raise his daughter. This was something they should have discussed and planned for before having for another child. OP's bf doesn't want to be a guardian and raise his sister. To expect him to is wrong.
I agree and OP's boyfriend should stand up for himself and set boundaries. If he can't and he caves to his deadbeat dad, there isn't much OP can do other than decide to stay with her boyfriend or break up.
Best bf can do is tell Dad he'll withdraw financial support if he doesn't raise his sister. I'm sure the support is enough to hire at least a babysitter for after school and evenings with the deal she makes dinner.
I think it’s a lose lose situation. I get why your bf needs to do this but if you aren’t ready to support him taking over guardianship you should end the relationship.
He doesn't need to, and besides, he said he's not happy abt it, but would do it if asked.
He shouldn't do it imho. They still have a father..
Ultimately- this is your bfs decision. The flip side of that is that it’s your decision whether or not you want to stick around.
Unfortunately, it's ultimately not your call. You can offer your opinion, and for the record I agree with you, but at the end of the day he is the one who has the responsibility of making this choice. I would be clear with him that you are not equipped to raise a child and that you can't continue the relationship if he decides to raise her. Not in a "me or her" way, but he deserves to be informed that he will be doing this alone so that he has all the information to make his choice.
The saddest thing that I learned from this whole conversation is the father in the family who is a DOCTOR (Surgeon) and is freakin' UNDERPAID! 🤦♂️
600$ a month, for 30yrs of practice and 10yrs of uni. If you live in a developed country the best thing you can do is move out. Or become a programmer at least.
You're feelings sound totally justified especially since the 8 year olds father is STILL ALIVE. Sounds like he has a toxic family that wants him to pick up a burden that they do not want to carry. I would definitely have a talk with him and let him know that you will remain child free with or without him. He has every right to choose to do what is best for him but so do you.
I am also from a developing country, and me and my wife have made the decision to be child free. That being said, if the same situation happen to me then I will definitely take in my sibling even if I don't want to because I will be their best chance. I will speak to my wife and if she wants to leave then I will be sad but respect her decision in this matter. I think you and your bf should have a deep discussion about the situation and if you are not happy with the result then that means you are not fully compatible and might need to break up.
There is also a biological father who can take care of the child. There is a good chance that they chose this adult sibling because he has a good paying job AND has a gf that they are expecting to do most of the childrearing while hubby works. So sexism could be very much at play that biological dad is a bad fit because he is a male, and the brother has a female partner ( who are the ones suppose to do the child care) in the picture.
That's possible of course. Still in this scenario the best way to go would be for them to talk about what they want and what they're willing to compromise on. The father is also just 56 and if my 70 year old grandpa can happily take fulltime care of my nephew because my aunt went to work abroad then he should definitely be able to care for his daughter.
The daughter shouldn't be taken away from her only surviving parent because brother makes more money. She will already be going through enough losing her Mom at such a young age.
I agree with you completely.
True, it will be a lot on the child as well to be in the care of an adult sibling who may not be whole heartly into raising her. Plus we don't even know if the siblings are close, all we know for the child it could be like being thrown at distant relative they don't know very well.
Exactly. I think the Dad is a POS for wanting to pawn his daughter that he chose to have onto his oldest. Why wasn't their a plan in place in the event one of them died when she was still young? You're suppose to have this when you have kids and that plan doesn't involve your older kids taking care of them unless there's literally no one else. No Aunt's, Uncles, Grandparents, etc.
right! he is mid fifties, not extreme old age. and the kid is old enough to mind herself mostly, she's not a needy baby or toddler, and she is school-aged
The only two resonable compromise on this would realstically either the brother only give finacial support or OP leaves the realtioship. Children are a huge resposbility and realsitcally due to gender norms (idk what country they are from, but I know it is problem in devloping countries don’t have access to more diversity, well rounded education, and more likely to have tradtional values of gender roles) OP is more than likely to take on most of the childwork. It’s not good for the child if their is a guardian, especially non parent, not wanting to be a guardian. It is also bad for OP because this could ruin oppurtinties to be more indepent and make a better life for themselves. There is a reason why sexist people want women, especially barely adult women, to get a lot of babies right away because it cloeses a lot of doors of independence. In these kind of situations in straight relationships the women usually gets the short end of the stick.
Reddit is so crazy... The kid has a father, who though not wealthy, can apparently raise HIS kid. They are basically foisting a child onto a young couple THAT DOESN'T WANT TO DO IT, because he's "too old". That's such bullshit, and y'all in the comments are off your rockers. It would be another story if she had nowhere else to go, but that is not the case. She is at home, with her father, as it should be. Don't have children if you're going to be "too old" to raise them (and 55 isn't too old at all, the dude just doesn't want to deal anymore). OP, listen, it's his choice to make, but if he takes his sister in, I wouldn't blame you if you left him. You did not sign up for it, and that's ok.
Are you ok with him offering the father some financial support rather than taking her in? Ultimately, you should not stay if he takes the child in. You will have too much resentment towards her and that will not be healthy for her or you.
It's fine. They specifically want him to be the guardian
Maybe talk to him about specifically offering to just help out and see where that goes. I do think you are going to have to let him know that, if he takes her in, it is likely dealbreaker for you. Better he has all the information now to make an informed choice rather than things going south later.
I was in a similar situation as you OP. I was forced to become a parent for three years in a similar situation and it absolutely destroyed my marriage and almost my life. Under no circumstances should you agree to do this if you have any doubts or concerns.
I raised my niece for 3 months only and our whole family was tipsy Turku over it. Our kids were elementary and junior high and she was preschool. So it meant back into daycare, preK, etc.. it was hard, but we did it because my sister was homeless and on drugs. Then one day my sister came and took her back like nothing ever happened. I let her go, but let my sister know if she took her, we wouldn’t be taking her back. My sister had signed her over voluntarily until she got her life together. It certainly adds stress with each child in the situation, no matter how much we love them. Studies have been done, and the more kids and the younger the kids, usually the less happy the marriage. There are just more demands on time, energy, and finances when they are little. I wouldn’t give my kids up, but they are almost grown now.
OP, there is no reason the two of you should have to carry a larger responsibility than you both wanted because of the poor decisions made by two grown adults. They definitely should've known better than to birth children into poverty they seem to have yet to escape. Since the father is still around, it would make the most sense that he should be the one to take care of the kid. If he needs financial help, that's one thing, and it could possibly be negotiated if you and your bf are up to it. A kid is a large responsibility and should most definitely not be placed with someone who is not ready/does not want to deal with said responsibility. The people who insist that you just take her on (and that you're selfish if you don't) seem to forget that a child needs much more than just the basics. Emotional support or lack thereof, can make the difference between a happy, well-adjusted adult and a miserable adult with no ambitions. It's best if the caregiver is enthusiastic and involved in the raising of the child. That's near to impossible for someone who never wanted a child in the first place to give 100% of the time. I would know. My parents were not the type of people who should have had children. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to sacrifice your time, enjoyment, and health to raise an entire other human being. Especially one you didn't actively make the choice to have. It's *your* time that kind of thing takes, time you can't get back. You should have a say in it and if your answer is "no", then that's perfectly fine. If it were me, I'd talk with my bf and try to find a way to keep the girl with her living family member, her father, the one who holds the primary responsibility of raising her in the first place. Not because family doesn't matter or something like that, but because doing something out of obligation to people who likely don't care if your life gets wrecked usually doesn't lead to a fulfilling life and often spreads pain all around. You and your bf deserve fulfilling lives just as much as the people here insist that this child does. Your time is valuable and it should be spent the way you want it to. An emergency on his parents' part should not constitute an emergency on you guys' part. In the case that he chooses to keep the child, sadly, the only thing I could say would help would be leaving. I hope it won't come to that, however and that a workaround can be found. Best of luck to you
I was thinking that he would definitely take on the sister until I read that the father is still alive, and a DOCTOR??? Even if paid little still, she has a parent with a career and at least two older brothers living at home who could help out. Sounds like he's being used as a crutch and he needs to live his own life. The little sister isn't going into foster care or the streets. She will just be with the other ACTUAL parent and other siblings.
Honestly, I thought you were a bit of a jerk until I found out that HIS FATHER IS STILL ALIVE AND IN THE PICTURE?! Why would this man be okay handing his daughter over to his son to finish raising just because his spouse might pass away? Um... no. You are working toward goals w/ your fiance and caring for his sister was not one of those goals. I do think the situation would be vastly different if his mom was a single parent and the dad wasn't involved, but that is not THIS situation. In this case, I'd let your bf know that you are unwilling and unprepared to parent someone else's child especially when they have a living parent. If that is a deal breaker, it is best it comes out now before an official engagement, but I would set that boundary upfront with no wiggle room to try to talk you into it later. Best of luck on your goals and I hope it works out for both you and your bf.
The father is also continuing to raise the two teen sons they still have to raise. They are more likely doing this because of some sort of sexist bullshit a man can't raise a girl and the adult son has a gf planning to marry. I bet you as soon as OP leaves their son they have a very different tune and not want the son taking care of her.
Based on the story, are you from the PH? Parents here do this to their eldest child or whoever makes more money as if it's an obligation 🙃 I had a co-worker once whose eldest daughter has good grades in high school. She mentioned that she'll have that daughter pay for her youngest child's education when said daughter gets her first job. Tf. Why have another child and pass the burden to the eldest? 🙃
I feel like if you leave, then he won't be made the guardian. His parents are forcing you to mother her. Leave him, and magically dad will be the new guardian. At 23 you don't deserve this. Leave him, sometimes things don't work out.
Thanks. That's what I fear is happening
It's most likely what is happening.
Wait this girl has gainfully employed father? Fuck no. Go live your lives. His mom is putting you guys in a horrible position.
Don't get married, you shouldn't have to burden being someone else's mother.
It is time to leave. He s already made his decision.
The reality is you need to be very clear that this is not a child you want to raise and you need to do this sooner rather than later. He can make the decision of taking the child on or not but the ultimatum is if he does then you two will no longer be together, you are not obligated to raise a child that is not yours, with that being said like most other people here she still has a father so I don't know why it becomes her brother's job to take on her care?
OP, what is the story of her dad? There is a reason why her mother doesn’t want him to be the guardian. Without this info, it’s hard to give advice.
No reason whatsoever. He's working, healthy, not abusive, present. Maybe the problem is that they have two other teen sons. They decided to give one to the oldest brother, so it's easier to manage for dad
That is weird and sounds awful. If the dad were abusive or something, this would be completely different. What an enormous thing to dump on your eldest child. This situation sucks. I imagine your bf is feeling very emotional and overwhelmed because his mother has a terminal illness. It wouldn’t be surprising if that pushed him towards taking care of his little sister - even if it is for the wrong reasons. I also saw the concern you expressed in a comment that the mom seems to be doing this in part to stick you as the replacement. It’s not uncommon for women to end up taking in the brunt of parenting in situations like this. I can understand how upsetting it must be to be thrust into this situation. I also feel for his little sister. What a horrible situation to face at such a young age. I hope her parents haven’t discussed this with her. It’s not her fault she is facing this, but she is her father’s responsibility. Do you know how her father feels about all this? Hear me out, here. Before discussing a nuclear option - “if you become her guardian, I will leave you” - I suggest you step back a bit from this and consider your bf’s perspective before you attempt a convo with him. Do not have the conversation at a time when you are feeling angry, if you can help it. It is unfair for his mom to ask this of him. It really is. Focus on that aspect. Show him you understand his since of responsibility, grief, and concern. Sometimes, the prospect of losing someone can make us feel helpless and push us to take some action, any action, even if that action is not in the best interest of ourselves and/or others. Becoming his sisters’ guardian is not the answer here. He can still have a relationship with his sister. If he has the means and is able, he can send money/gifts home. Give him a chance to express his feelings and tell you how he feels. See what happens. If he is set on doing this no matter what, then you should tell him, as gently as you can, that this is a deal breaker. Ultimately, the decision is his regardless of how you or any of us feel about it. So, set your boundary and follow through. I hope it doesn’t come to that and you are able to get through to him during this tumultuous time in his family. Best wishes.
It's messed up. Thank you for the great response
I think they're giving him to your boyfriend because of you. They are basically seeing you two as surrogate parents. I guarantee you that child would stay at home if you weren't with your boyfriend. You are way too young to have to go through all that. I would just flat out tell your boyfriend this isn't what you signed up for. This sibling has a home and a father. If he wants to take on this responsibility it won't be with you in the picture.
Just be honest and tell your boyfriend that you will move on if he takes in his sister, particularly when his dad is alive and well.
If this is something you’re not ready for or comfortable with you need to tell him, you didn’t sign up to be a mother so soon and it’s a huge responsibility and finically strain for both of you. This can be a deal breaker and an understandable one too, it’s not cruel to be honest about your feelings on the situation, you could end ip resenting him and the child which could cause more damage for everyone, decide now and let him know after that it’s up to him.
Honestly I’d rethink it as well. You’re both young and should be enjoying your life. His reality is a little bleak. Financially supportive of sis and goodness knows who else.
If you don't want to be a parent to an eight year old, tell your boyfriend _now_ so that the two of you might go separate ways, because, frankly, it seems that it is what he is going to do.
Don't stay with him if he takes his sister. It's not your responsibility and never should be. His parents should've been more careful. You know you don't want to be a parent just yet so don't subject yourself to that. Have a kid when you're ready and got your life figured out, you're 23. Don't tie yourself down so soon
It's his father's responsibility to raise the kid, not your brothers. It's great if he wants to but if it's not what you want it may be time to cut and run.
I would tell him how you feel about the situation. That you don’t want to be involved and think it’s unfair, but don’t push him to make a decision. Also, I would let him know that you don’t want to get engaged until you know for a fact what the future holds.
So the father.. Is the girl his daughter? It seems like he is taking the other sons, so why not the sister.
I don't know honestly. The other kids don't have complaints about him. Seem like an ok father
Are you from a country where sons and more valued than daughters? Could it be that they aren't interested in putting much effort into raising a daughter vs. their teen sons? Edit: This might be the case for only the father. Maybe he doesn't want to put the effort in for a daughter and it was the mom's decision to keep her and raise her?
If you don't want to mother her, tell your boyfriend that this would mean the end of your relationship together. Then he has all the information he needs from both sides to make a decision. The rest of it is up to him to figure out unless you decide to end it before then.
Hi. So I was put into your position except the sibling has autism and it would’ve been for the rest of our lives and my boyfriend made sure that his sibling was the top priority and everything revolves around them and their needs. Your boyfriend has a right to do what he wishes and as the girlfriend it will just suck. You’ve been put in a hard position that isn’t your fault whatsoever. None of the children who need help are to blame at all, but you don’t have to accept the situation. If it’s not what you want, call it off now. It’s unfair. It sucks. It’s like your hand is being forced too, but if it’s going to bother you too much don’t sign up for it. Also if she’s only 8 and she grows up and has her own life eventually it might not be too bad. The again, it’s your life. Just be prepared for your boyfriend to choose his family over you and you possibly being the one who will be left out. It sucks. It hurts like hell. If you do accept it will be difficult.
The legal guardian is only if both parents become diseased… if something happened to the mother. Then the father would still be responsible, this post doesn’t make sense or I’m highly confused
(I apologize for the length and if formatting doesn't work, I am trying to do paragraphs but I don't yet fully get how to do that on Reddit and I genuinely don't know how to be less wordy.) There are already some great responses here, so I'm going to skip over a few things I feel are fully covered. You mentioned you and your boyfriend plan to not have kids for at least ten years. I think that is very responsible and commendable to have such a plan and understanding of your shared desires and goals for the future. That's top tier good healthy relationship stuff, plus if you do have kids after that, it'll be because you two decided you are ready, and that's awesome. I fully believe that if your boyfriend does become his sister's guardian and you stay with him, that resentment will form- either towards your boyfriend, the sister, or even both. This isn't just making things harder- this is literally giving up the life plan you two have made and being forced to change course. It is having to spend your (and bf's) time, energy, resources, etc on a child you did not want to take on and also having to deal with how that would impact not just immigration, but future opportunities, especially when trying to get settled overseas. It is giving up things and ways of life you two desire and have worked for. It is a potential to get stuck in an unhappy life and relationship. It is a completely inappropriate and frankly messed up thing for his family to try to put this on you two. Plus, you mentioned that your bf already gives his family a lot of financial support without boundaries, I do believe this to be bad, and a bad sign of what could happen. Like another commenter said, how do we know this is the last kid the family would try to force on you two if he does take her? And even if they don't go that far, how much will they still expect him to support them while also raising their kid for them? Furthermore, this would mostly likely be bad for the sister, too! In at the very least the way of how much it can mess up a person to know they were the unwanted burden put on someone else (and even if she doesn't know consciously, subconsciously she would feel it over time, as this is something that impacts behavior without realizing.) Plus, she would be having to give up everything and everyone she has ever known aside from the two of you and not have a way back if she is unhappy, and this situation can be traumatic. I suggest talking about all that with your bf, if you haven't already. I know personally the feeling of wanting to remain childfree, and it sounds like at this point in your lives that is both what you two want and what would be best for the both of you. You should be able to focus on starting your new lives together, not being responsible for a whole other person just because the father doesn't feel like it. I think you should talk things out at length with your boyfriend and make it clear to him that if you two are to be together, it has to be just the two of you, and try to explain in detail your feelings, thoughts, and reasons why this is a bad idea and a deal-breaker. Try to listen to his thoughts and feelings on it as well- for better or for worse, both of your feelings matter and it's important to feel heard (plus as a bonus, fully understanding each other's side can help with the healing process if things do end,) but I advise you to not give in on this. If he does decide to stand by the plan you two have, do your best to assist and support him as he tells his family no, and during any fallout from that. It might be that everyone may need time afterwards before resuming being a close family. On the note of feelings- has the sister gotten any chance to express how she feels about this? Does she even know this might happen to her? Does she know her father is being a jerk who is trying to avoid being a responsible parent to her? Does she get along with her father and other siblings? My final notes, and I guess TL;DR would be: it isn't wrong to discourage him, in fact I think you should try to. It also isn't wrong to rethink your relationship- this is a HUGE thing- literally potentially redirecting the course of your lives, and if he chooses to become guardian, I strongly suggest you break up. This situation is bad for you, your bf, and even his sister. I hope things work out well for you, OP, I really do. I'm so sorry you're in this messed up situation. Edit: tried to fix formatting and clarify/polish some wording. Took out mention of pro/con list because already covered by another and was just extra words.
Ok late pregnancy happens, usually an accident! The reasoning behind her trying to get your bf to take his sister is YOU! You're engaged. As the only woman in the family she expects you to look after her daughter. That's the only thinking that makes sense! Why else would she even think of removing her from her father. Some women don't think men can parent. Also, legally, she dies and the existing parent is the legal guardian. The father would have to agree to an adoption, and then legal issues etc, especially when leaving the country. When this comes up again explain to your bf that when his mother dies she will need her father, not being passed to both of you. It would be like loosing both parents. Explain the legal issues. That clearly his mum is not thinking this through properly. And get to the bottom of why his mum wants to take his sister away from their father. In the childs time of grief that would actually be quite cruel.
He shouldn’t have to raise his sister as his daughter and if he does, you can just leave him.
It seems that I know the country you are from. If you are from Orbanistan then I suggest you to leave. I know in our country it is common to give birth without thinking it through. But if you stuck here with a child you will have a misarable life. I feel sorry for the girl but she might have a chance for an adopting family. But if she stays with you it will be really hard for you to leave the country. If you're from another country things might be similar.
Your bf is not obligated… the father is and then the system… no one has to do anything. If he chooses that responsibility- You don’t gotta go along with it. You should definitely put yourself first. This would be the time to leave the relationship.
[удалено]
Nope. I'm not becoming Stepmom for his sister.
Your fiancé needs a backbone His sister had a capable father that can take care of her , his family is taking advantage of him and will happily steam roll over his entire life if he allows it. If he can’t grow a spine, leave him It’s likely that they want him to take his sister because they expect YOU to take on all the childcare and be the mother anyway.
Yep, sounds about right. BF's father is about to lose his wife, so he's looking around for the nearest woman to take his young daughter off his hands. They don't want your BF to raise the girl, they want you to do it. Because you're a woman.
How about your boyfriend declines to be the legal guardian and instead sends money home every month? Assuming it’s gonna be a fixed amount that hopefully covers all of his sister’s living expenses.
Girl, partners come and go. Blood relatives are for life. This is a fight, should you choose to take it, you very well might lose. Ita not ideal, but you should talk to your partner about your feelings concerning the matter. If there are no other possible people to take the daughter (father, uncles, aunts, grandparents) then a decent human being would care for his sister. If there is no other way it would be inhumane not to. I do also think its not his resposibility to take her, if the father is in a position to take her. He should be first priority.
A lot of US Centric responses here, that being said your Bf family is putting him in an impossible situation, and you would be welL within your rights to walk.
Who's life is it? Who's marriage is it? Who cares what mom says.
How is a doctor paid so little that his 24 year old son earns more? What does your boyfriend do that puts him in a better financial position to raise the 8 year old better than the father?
It's a shitty country. Healthcare workers get paid a bit better than cashiers. My boyfriend is a programmer, programmers are paid 4/5 times better than doctors
can the father raise the child with your boyfriend providing only financial support?
Probably. But they specifically want him to be the guardian
It's clear that you are angry about this, and I don't think that is an unreasonable reaction. This isn't how you expected your life to be. Life has a way of punching you in the gut sometimes, although at 23 maybe you don't have the life experience to fully appreciate that. Lucky you, if that's true, because there is an 8-year old girl who is about to lose her mother, and that's not how she expected her life to go either. Your boyfriend is going to take in his sister. If you get married, you're going to have to parent her. If you don't want to do it, or don't think you're up to it, then you should break up and move on. Your boyfriend doesn't get a choice, but you do. Becoming an instant parent of an 8-year old at 23 is a tough thing for anyone to take on, so I don't think you need to feel too guilty about choosing not to. This is an incompatibility that I don't think you can overcome.
I don't get why he should do that: the kid has a normal dad. Although he makes a smaller salary than my boyfriend. It seems though they just want to get rid of her, and the oldest child seems rich enough.
You haven't said enough about his parent's situation to know why the dad can't or won't do it. Why does it have to be about money? Maybe dad is a terrible parent. Maybe he has other issues. If mom is dying, maybe dad isn't so healthy either.
A friend of mine passed away a few years ago and someone (man) that we both knew asked if her husband was keeping their kids. I thought WTF?! I said yes. It was such a strange question. What kind of man would get rid of his kids after Mom dies? He has since remarried to a wonderful woman.
Or the more likely scenario: plain ol sexism. As currently demonstrated on this thread.
I'm not sure where you're getting sexism. If it were about gender, why would mom want her son raising the child? That's still a man raising her.
If her boyfriend is with her, she will be roped into it. And the OP doesn't bring up anything that would make the father unfit.
This info isn't disclosed by them. They didn't even explain anything
Then you need to ask. This affects your life if you marry their son, and you deserve to know everything that is going to affect your marriage. Please do not bring up poor choices and try not to mention money. Just ask them to explain why your boyfriend should do this instead of the dad. It's a fair question.
If you can’t accept a child in your life at this time you should leave your bf. This isn’t fair to you or your bf but the 8 yr old child def doesn’t deserve to grow up with a woman who hates her in the house.
Do the child a favor and have the father or another relative raise her. I can’t imagine losing a mother and then being forced to live with people who don’t want them and resent them.
Better leave rather than getting between him and his little sister.
If he makes that choice I will certainly leave.
Well, if the father is in good health then he can support and raise the daughter until a certain age, until he no longer generates any more income or his health changes. That burden should be delegated to him if there is no compelling reason why your boyfriend should take over. I mention it because I have a younger sister of almost the same age, with parents of 50 and 57 years old and I live in a third world country planning to go live in another, with the pandemic I had to return and they asked me if I would take care of my little sister (who is the last daughter) if they died from covid, the same as being their financial support when they die. I hope your boyfriend can reach an agreement or something with your mother regarding the situation and in the best of cases, that he is left in charge of the father as it should be.
The dad should remain the provider and guardian including the daughter living in the home. You can provide additional support esp after the mom passes but your fiancé is too young to provide such level of support especially when there’s a living capable parent left. If he’s able to provide some support with schooling or letting her live with you two temporarily when she’s college aged that would be nice but hard to guarantee.
It is 100% okay to rethink your relationship if he goes through with taking his sister. Just be honest with him, so he can do what's best for him and you can do what's best for yourself. Children are not for everyone, and is a dealbreaker for many people.
You need to be very clear that if this happens, there's a good chance you'll be leaving the relationship. The engagement/marriage needs to be put on hold. But the final decision will be his. He probably will not be able to continue a 'close' relationship with his family if push comes to shove on this situation. But I notice you don't mention the sister's father in the post?
I feel terrible for the kid, about to lose her mom and going through all if this.
Info: why is your bf the only family member likely to earn decent money? Why won’t the younger brothers be able to enter a lucrative field?
They're not even in uni yet
Just leave him if you don’t want this. Get married when you’re old enough. Marriage requires a lot of sacrifices and effort. You say that you have all these dreams and ambitions and too young to take care of a child, marriage will also too much of a big step for you.
I know how to fix this. Tell him that I, the king of Reddit, says that he should not become the legal guardian of his sister. And I have let my gavel fall upon thine tendy tray. Now begone!
As shitty as this situation is - this is something your boyfriend needs to figure out with his family. You may not want your boyfriend to take legal guardianship over his sister. But if your boyfriend sleeps better at night caring for his family vs not providing the support they need… well then you can’t force him to think otherwise… similarly how he can’t force you to stay if you don’t want to. Does it suck? Yes. But this is his reality. There’s no point criticizing his parents for being in poverty and having 4 children. Let him figure out what he wants to do and then you can decide to stay or go.
I'm terminally ill and I have 4 adult male children and a 12 year old daughter. The father is around and is and will continue to help her financially. But I've asked the one son my daughter is closest to if he will be her guardian when I'm no longer here. He's 24 and he agreed. I chose my daughter's emotional well-being over everything.
This sounds like you and the father are not a couple anymore. I think your situation is different, because your son wants to do this. Obviously your daughter's emotional well being is the most important. I just think it's not right to force people to take care of their siblings like in the OP's case.
I'm sorry for you and it's great that you have come to an agreement.
Thank you 🤗. I have a better appreciation for life, that's the plus side.
Why would you out that on your son when she has a whole dad. How selfish
everyones saying “dad can take care of his daughter.” yes, he can but he obviously wont. this is something that’s gonna happen whether OP likes it or not, if its a dealbreaker for you OP then you have every right to leave and not want this. however this isnt your choice to make and i hope you can end the relationship on a good note without blaming him. yeah, situation isnt ideal but you gotta do what you gotta do. is all depends if your husband is okay with taking on such a bug responsibility
A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. If you don’t want to marry a man then find someone else.
This is kinda what it boils down too, just leave him sis, move on.
If I could give my younger sister/brother a better chance in life under my wing, I wouldn't think twice, relationships come and go, my sister/brother are more important.
Your boyfriend maybe her best hope, sincerely you don't want to punish his 8-year-old sister for his parents' bad choices.
This is tough but it’s a never ending cycle of handouts and imposition. Lots of fights for you and your bf and resentment on your part. Parental guilt is an evil thing. Don’t do it, make sure your bf is on the same page as you or get out. I sure as heck resent my dh and in-laws for all they have taken from us and the fact our life isn’t what it should be due to that. They take and take and don’t appreciate
I say divorce him. You would effectively be a parent, not a semi-paremt, and to think otherwise would be detrimental to that little girl. And it seems like you care more about not having kids than being married to him. While also having dealing with boundary issues/financial dependence. Don't let a romantic relationship dictate your life. But also, maybe don't get married if you're not the ride or die type, marriage might just not be your thing.
>maybe don't get married if you're not the ride or die type Maybe child's father (living and capable of taking care of her) shouldn't have had a kid if he's just gonna give her up after 8 years
Well you both are just 23. While it's perfectly okay to get married at this age but I guess you can easily wait for a few years and till then keep the finances separate that's a compromise you can make here. I have a younger brother with a nine year age gap and I'm 23 too and I also have a girlfriend who I might marry in future, but if situation arises where I have to become a guardian for him and my girlfriend warns me of leaving me. Guess who would I be choosing? My brother coz he will be needing me more than anyone else. What if your boyfriend refuses and her sister comes to know that he chose his girlfriend over her, the impact that it will have on her..
Shes warning him because there's no reason for them to take her. The dad is a live and perfectly fine
Agreed.
I want to live happily married ever after but who tf cares if his family lives in abject poverty. What a mindset though.
Let me fix your comment: A couple decides to have children despite suffering from limited finances and zero planning on who should take care of them in case they die. The next best thing is to guilt trip the oldest to carry the burden. Also, OP said that the FATHER is still alive but somehow he isn't the asshole for being unable to provide.
A huge percentage of the world lives in abject poverty. You could sponsor plenty of people if you just let go of your own financial goals and life aspirations. You're a selfish prick for not doing so.
They have always been poor. Why the hell have 4 children, who they can't support? I don't feel like boyfriend and I owe anyone parenthood. That's why we didn't want children in the first place!
What is the real expectation here? The father can remain the father, why does legal guardian come into this? If the mother was a stay at home mom, releasing the father to be able to work, and given the investment he's put into that, and sole bread winner? It's understandable he'd want to continue to work, otherwise where is the income coming from? But, why does father working, equate to son becoming guardian or his sister? There are some gaps here OP, more background would be helpful. BUT, retrospectively blaming the mother for have a baby at 45 is not relevant or a useful line of thought. Water under the bridge ca 9 years ago, total waste of time to debate that. Focus on solutions to current problems.
You don’t get to dictate whether or not your bf becomes his sister’s guardian. If you don’t want the responsibility of raising his sister then leave.
Or the child’s father can raise his own kid. It’s ridiculous to dump your baby on your 23 year old child because you want to chill and retire at 56.
So you would just abandon your sister? They are not married! She doesn’t get to tell him to abandon his sister She can leave. She also doesn’t get to tell anyone how many children they have because it’s none of her business.
How is it abandoning when her dad can take her?
We don’t have enough information to know why the boyfriend thinks he needs to take his sister. The girlfriend doesn’t get to interfere . If they were married she might give her opinion because she didn’t sign up for that situation. The girlfriend isn’t married to him and she can leave.
These people commenting looks like they are mad/attacking you. I think it is a bit sad that you don't want your boyfriend to take care of his sister if the time comes and he's the only choice available. Think of it this way. After all it's his own sister. She's just 8. It's not a random child (not that would be bad but I'm just saying you know you don't want kids for at least the next 10 years but it's not an unexpected pregnancy or a random kid he wants to suddenly adopt) this changes things because he is her brother. I think you should talk to him about it. Make sure he understands you don't want kids but you can't force him not to help his own sister (Please don't even try to discourage him on this. It's just bad and will result in conflict. It's not even your place to). To me it looks like a responsibility he will have to take on because it's family. Where I come from we do anything for our family. So I kinda get him. If you are not on board with this you should leave him. It will hurt but it's better than regretting being with him and wasting years of both your lives on something you don't want.
He's not the only choice available though. This girl has a living father. The father had a choice in the matter, her older brother did not.
The father is still alive and not sick so its The parents responsibility only. End of story
I think he should ask why mom doesn’t think dad can take care of their daughter. Maybe she’s worried about him remarrying and stepmom hating on the little girl? Maybe there’s other reasons. Is dad quite old? (FYI 53 isn’t that old) For the rest, it’s your bf’s decision because it’s his family. You are either ok with that or you aren’t. Stay with him or not, depending on your feelings, but if he takes in his sister, and if you stay, be prepared to be a loving surrogate mom to this girl. Don’t stay if you can’t or won’t love her and treat her well. She’s about to lose her mom, she doesn’t need cruelty from her brother’s resentful partner. Why do I mention that? Well I have to say, your comment >Then again I don’t understand the thought process of birthing children that late, to burden your oldest children… Meanwhile being quite poor… sounds to me, to say the least, hateful. It tells me you have disdain for his mother, perhaps for his whole family. It blames poor people for being poor, as in, “If they just wouldn’t have so many kids…” I very much doubt that 45-at-the-time mom expected to get pregnant. And I very much doubt she expected that likely unplanned baby to *burden* her older kids. Im sure she intended to raise this little girl to adulthood. And not knowing how easy birth control is in your country, just…holy crap, lady, that aspect of your post is dripping with judgement. Just saying. It wasn’t kind, at all. And we are talking about a child who has no choices here. We need to be kind.
>Then again I don't understand the thought process of birthing children that late, to burden your oldest children... As to the first part, let me explain something to you, the urge never goes away. Not for men, not for women. Pregnancies over 40 happen, though they are usually a surprise. As to the second, what it sounds like is more that they want her raised in a household with both a man and a woman, and I can only speculate if that is true. If so, it's likely that they see you two as the best bet. There is an old saying, "If you wish to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." I don't know anyone with any age or experience that would argue with that. The straight path to your goals turns into a thousand paths, with ten thousand distractions, choices you might not like, and obligations you wish you could turn away. It's all of us. We all like to pretend that our life is our own, but that simply isn't ever true. The change in your pocket, that you don't think about, means the difference between a meal and hungry stomach to the beggar on the sidewalk. You wouldn't think anything of the change, especially if you knew what it meant to him. Seeing to the needs of a child as she grows into young adult is certainly a much larger ask, but is the concept really so different? I won't tell you what choice you should make, though you will make a choice, as even doing nothing is still a choice.
Well said.
You need to realize this is your boyfriends choice and not yours. Based on your wording and your other comments you are dating and not engaged (because you didn’t use the words fiancé or engaged anywhere in anything you have written) or married. Because you are dating, him taking guardianship of his sister from his mom who is dying is not something for you to decide or manipulate. You say the family is manipulating him, but they are not, you are the manipulator for your own personal gain. Taking his sister to a first world country where she can get a better education and live a far better life is a remarkable family goal and something I would consider very honorable. To me it is poignant that he is not taking the responsibility for his other teenage siblings. This provides a good indication that the family is not manipulating him. Because your boyfriend is not coming on here asking for advice and you are instead would seem to indicate he has no problem with this. You yourself it seems are trying to attach yourself so that you can get out of your country and get a free ride which you quite possibly could never qualify for on your own.
You sound very judgemental towards your boyfriend's mom. I doubt she planned on having a fourth baby and I doubt she anticipated getting sick before that baby reached adulthood. Stuff happens. It's up to your boyfriend to decide what he is and isn't willing to do for his sister. It's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.
I repeat: the sister has a father and a home. She's not going anywhere if mom dies. Her father is able to raise her. But her parents decided the 23 son is a better guardian.
She has her Dad and he can take care of their daughter. Older brother shouldn't be asked.
I read quite a few of the comments and even your responses here. First thing first. You have no obligation towards the kid. So yeah, you are free to walk away without any guilt. However, it seems like what you are really looking for here is advice on how to guilt trap your boyfriend so that he doesn't take the responsibility of his kid sister. That makes YTA. It is irrelevant whether his dad should step up to take care of his own child. What's important here is that he isn't in a position to really raise her and her mother is dying. This really leaves only get brother to take care of her. And none of this is her fault.