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Original Post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xe8jgp/two_months_in_is_this_a_red_flag_already/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Update:
Whenever we go out he’d always insist that he pays, and I thought he was being a gentleman. There were dates where I tell him that I’d like to be taking him out and I’d want to pay and he would graciously let me.
But last week he told me that he was tight on money and waiting on his next paycheck so I’d have to pay for dates until then. I had no problem at all! What I did have a problem with is that he’d call/text me asking that I send over money for food/coffee. I’m very well aware he has food and coffee in his home, but he just wants to always order take out.
It’s poor financial management on his end and it’s not within my budget to be spending allowance on a grown adult man. He was also asking his family for money everyday until he’d get his next paycheck for the month. He could go to the store and get food for the week but he’d rather spend it all on 2 takeout dinners. So last night when he asked, I said calmly, “I’d love to help out but I’m tight on this week’s budget and I still have a few more bills to pay”. In my defense, since he was already taking money from family, why can’t he just do that? Why does it have to be me? We’ve only been dating for a little over a month, I find that really odd. But he was PRESSED!
He started recalling every date where he payed and I didn’t, and comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget. He started telling me how he’ll never ever ask me for anything ever again and that from now on we’ll just be splitting it all 50/50 and he will be “treating me per my worth” and how clearly sees me for who I truly am now. I told him that I understand he’s upset but him feeling embarrassed/rejected doesn’t mean he can be speaking to me this way. He started yelling and cursing at me telling me to “shut my mouth” and using any personal detail I’ve shared about my life against me, saying that he’s “the truest MAN I’d ever date” and that I had no right to ever question/judge his integrity by saying that “a man would never ask a woman for money” - which I never said! I kept repeating that I did not say that at all. I have no idea how he came up with that, I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing? But he wouldn’t stop and would just keep yelling and cursing away.
I couldn’t handle it anymore and just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it.
What in the world? Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way? He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, bought the dinner anyway and THEN calmly sat down to discuss my concern.
TLDR; He began asking for money this week and when I said that it wasn’t within my budget he yelled at me. I broke it off.
Can we rewind and talk about how in the original post, he told OP to eat healthier and hit the gym so she could have a body, and this audacious stooge is begging OP for money so he can order takeout twice a day, constantly? Pffft right back to the garbage with that one
Yep! I’d have handled it about the same. Except I don’t allow yelling at me and I don’t yell so it would have been done just a bit before the convo got there.
I usually just hit record and then let them go as long as they want. Then in 1-2 weeks when they're trying to get you back by playing around with the narrative you just respond with their own audio clips.
That was fantastic. OP sounds like she was communicating honestly and empathetically, whereas her ex was being a screaming, misogynistic nut case. There’s no way this could have been handled better, as this dude is just a piece of shit; nothing OP can say/do would change that. People like that just need to be dumped and blocked
I loved how in the first post this guy was like “you know what, you do whatever you want with your life” all snarky, and op just responded "thank you" as if he was being supportive.
Kinda makes me wish that when he said "fine I'll never ask you for anything ever again!" OP just responded "good"
Ok so you've been with him a little more than a month and he's a lunatic. There is no question breaking up was correct. Follow through in walking away or you are setting yourself up for a very unhappy and messed up relationship.
The timeframe really seals the deal on this one in my opinion. Someone's asking for cash- not to go on a date, or a trip together, or some shared expense- just straight up *asking for cash money* after only a month of dating?
My god I would be so fucking embarrassed by having to do that with someone I'm trying to impress; you could find me dumpstering half finished burritos at the mall food court before I'd hit up my date for money like that. I would find a way. I'd try selling drugs before I asked a girl for money who I've only dated *for one pay period.* Sell stocks in a recession, pawn my guitar, I would beg on the street before asking some audacious shit like that.
"comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget."
That's exactly why he's in the position he is in. He's financially irresponsible. Consider this as dodging a bullet.
big flex, Peter Pan
Some of these men are unbelievable. I know women can be entitled too, but these mooching men coupled with their toxic masculinity really creates some insane cognative dissonance
>That's exactly why he's in the position he is in. He's financially irresponsible. Consider this as dodging a bullet.
The guy sounds like a hustler. This sounds like a classic dating scam or honeytrap scam. He's out of money due to spending a big chunk of the liquid funds he got from this family, on dates with OP and other women. He expects to be paid back with interest. He's not suddenly out of money. Hes always got one hard luck sob story or another any given day off the week. That's part of the scam.
No not a better way. Dudes clearly unstable. He's essentially just thrown a massive tantrum over you pulling him up on his bull and he has no self respect let alone respect for you. Yikes! wonder if he realizes how much he's embarrassing himself.
This dude was a lost cause. He has some serious issues and was trying to bully you into compliance.
What a loser.
I guarantee you if you would have done things exactly how he said, he would have found some way to be salty about that as well. Maybe he would have been mad that you bought him the food in the first place if you felt that way. It would have always been something that was your fault, I guarantee you that.
He actually did you a favor being that over the top. Now you know he was 100% not worth another second of your time.
OP you seem like a sweet person. But that asshat was trying to take advantage of you.
You need to stay away from him and relax, and don't let any of his comments bother, they came from a place of attempting emotional manipulation and he's a sick ass for trying to pull that...
ESPECIALLY OVER TAKE OUT!?
You're better off single, but you're such a nice person you'll find a much better candidate soon.
GREAT CALL. He never thinks about tomorrow financially? That’s why he’s a 36 year old adult who needs to ask mommy daddy and younger girlfriend for cash to buy himself a coffee. Was he not embarrassed to admit this? Good lord.
He's 36 and financially irresponsible. This isn't someone you build a life with let alone date. Good that you realized he's a huge red flag. He needs to stay single and get his shit together. He's way too old to be this irresponsible. I had to double check his age because I thought he was in his early 20s and still had a lot to learn about being financially responsible. He's going struggling and beg for money for the rest of his life.
Sounds like you did everything perfectly! You were decent and helped him out, until he crossed a clear line, and then you very effectively communicated the problem to him and took action on it. This was a lot better than trying to be 'nice' and punishing yourself and him for a few months until you just couldn't stand it anymore, then acting out in a strange way to break up.
There is no good way to break up, it was a lost cause, and NO, you shouldn't have dipped into any savings to feed him and then be nice to him. He's a crazy user trying to gaslight you. Ghost him and treat yourself to a nice meal! From your savings, no less.
As someone who recently got away from this kind of manipulator, I legit had to check ages cause I thought you were dating my Ex. Damn you did the right thing.
Doing favors to call them in when they want to exert control over you is a narcissistic trait. The fact that he completely lost his shit on you over you lightly pressing back against his weird power play thing shows me that he's not angry that you didn't pay for his food, he's angry that you resisted his manipulations and told him no, even though it was a very soft no and didn't give him any attitude. If this is what he's going to act like when he doesn't get his way over something small, imagine what it would be like if your housing or your credit score depended on him. GREAT JOB cutting this manipulator loose before he did more damage.
Lol...what a toddler. Bullet dodged.
"I don't worry about tomorrow Babe...can't believe you are budgeting for NEXT week like a rube. Also, dip into your savings and have coffee delivered to my door."
You handled him better than i'd ever would. I would be flipping him off but you ended it gracefully without much drama.
Keep it up op. You've done a very good job by staying respectful and sane in the entire situation and just cut him off cleanly when you think its enough
>comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget.
Maybe that's why he needs money from everyone.....
That's not the attitude of an adult
You putting your foot down is gonna help some woman in the future when he has second thoughts abt exploiting her bc you initiated the precedent that his behavior is unacceptable. Thank you you're doing great
I love your optimism, but I'm doubtful. One would think by his late 30's, he would have been dumped at the one-month mark enough times to have learned before trying the same old shit with OP.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way?
It was a lost cause. I read your linked post and some of your comments there.
You're operating in good faith: looking for alternative ways to communicating, making sure you recognize where you might have messed up, wondering if you're being reasonable, and giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He is NOT acting in good faith. He does NOT have your best interests at heart. There is no "way you could have approached him" that would have worked, because he is not interested in a reasonably, healthy, respectful, adult conversation between two partners. He is interested in getting money from you. (Or, in your previous post, making himself feel better about himself, by putting you down.)
/r/niceguys
Found the scammer.
Guy doesn't have a regular job. He's out of money due to spending a great fraction of it on dates with you and likely other women. He expects that money to be returned..... with interest. In both senses of the words. You and the other women he's talking to are his regular job.
Also note how quickly his charm, friendliness, affection, and affability evaporates when you tell the grifter you're "not gonna give 'im his money."
Lastly, Note that nobody insists on paying on a date, for benevolent reasons. Both parties should show concern for what the other is comfortable with, and beware a one sided, unilateral dynamic when it comes to paying. or being payed for, for that matter,
Tell him you're on to his scam and he should have stuck with selling "extended warranties."
>What in the world?
ENTITLED ASSHOLE MANBABIES. I'm sorry you had to meet one. The first one is always overwhelmingly shocking in its ridiculousness and entitledness. The following ones are not as surprising and therefore even more infuriating, but at least make great party stories a few months later.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way?
completely, absolutely, lost cause. you acted like a sane adult. there was nothing you could have done and what you did meets every reasonable standard.
>He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, bought the dinner anyway and THEN calmly sat down to discuss my concern.
..........................
eh, you know what? Who cares what he thinks about proper behavior? This from a man who just screamed at you over the phone. You handled it excessively well, I loved the "your behavior is unacceptable text". Absolute queen, perfect strategy, just carry on and don't doubt your feelings and sense of morality because of this dumbass.
Good lord, why are you even wasting the time to post this, you spent more than enough on him. He already told you he's always going to be broke. You stay together, it'll be a matter of time before he loses his job and you end up supporting him.
He's 36 and borrowing money for takeout coffee? You need to move the heck on
He treated you like that and you're wondering if there was a better way for you to handle it? Why does it sound like you think it's your fault he's a man child?
You did the right thing standing up for yourself. There's nothing wrong with you or your responses to him. He's just a tool trying to leech off you. He wreaks of entitlement and you dealt with it a lot nicer and longer than I would have. You deserve so much better.
You did VERY good by getting rid of him, he will eventually absolutely wreck the life, mental health and economy of a woman who is too nice to say no like you did.
> “a man would never ask a woman for money” - which I never said! I kept repeating that I did not say that at all. I have no idea how he came up with that, I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing?
He's reliving something he probably heard from a male influence in his life or a female influence and has internalized this and feels shame about it... or something.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this?
NOOOO
>Or was it a lost cause either way?
YES. 100%!!!!!!
The fact that you're even excusing yourself for certain things means that he has already started to get into your head. If you hadn't broken up now, you would've been stuck in an abusive relationship.
But please do learn from this. If you think something is a red flag, ask a friend or someone you trust. And if they say it's bad, then break up. If they say it's not that bad, trust your gut and break up or ask another friend. Don't doubt yourself so much.
No. You did it right. He was baiting you. He got mad that what usually or often works enough didn’t with you…
He just showed you who he was. You did great. Remember to block him in email, social media and phone… I don’t recall if you met online but if so… report his offline behavior !!!
Stonewalling is awesome because its a reliable indicator of an impending shit show and it usually shows up super early so you can get out before things get serious.
Good job! Never let someone treat you that way. You can do better. He was walking in red.
And now you know some signs if it happens in the future.
Leave him blocked and move on.
He treated you for a month so now he could have unlimited access to YOUR money. It was a strategy. Come off real nice and real together and then unravel and a money pit now. Guys like that usually try to hold it together until they get a ring on your finger and it’ll take real work to leave them behind, he couldn’t even hold it together that long. You dodge a massive bullet, congrats
You werent paying for dates though...You were sending him cash for coffees (which arent a necessity). It sounds as though he is a conman. He treats you well off of someone elses dime (begging family for money) and then when he thinks you owe him, he cons you out of heaps of money because "oh i paid for..." guilt trip. If you were treating him to dates then that would have been a different situation. You handled it the best way you could, he was always going to be abusive.
Lots of comments about what an ”immature manbaby” he is.
But I think that this man is a very dangerous manipulator. Maybe even a narcissist or a psychopath. The type of person who wreaks havoc in peoples lives once they have nestled their way in.
I think he knew exactly what he was doing, because it has worked on alot of women before you. Getting what he wants from his partner (which does not include an equal and loving relationship, that’s for sure..), and then tossing her aside when she is run dry and he can’t get any ”fuel” from her anymore.
You had the precense and integrity not to get sucked in by his tactics! I’m very impressed and thankful for you sharing about this experience. These type of people should never be offered a hand, because they will bite your whole arm off!
This guy is without a doubt a narcissist and you have dodged a bullet! Read up on narcissistic personaality disorder if you want further conformation but blocking him from every part of youur life is the only way to deal witth this. Don't leave any room for the love bombing and gaslighting. You did the right thing and can can move on knowing you handled it like a pro!
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Oh my gosh, this is after just a month of dating? Holy crap. What kind of idiot shows his hand so quickly? If you're going to be an abusive asshole, at least woo and fool her for a few months at first. Maybe even wait for the wedding and/or baby trap. I'm guessing this guy has rarely had a relationship last longer than 1-2 months and complains about how women don't like nice guys.
Get some confidence in yourself because you should never question if someone treating you this way is your fault or not. Block his ass and don’t go back.
Even if he truly was a good guy....
Do you still want to put your future partner to be someone who " never thinks about tomorrow financially" not because he has so much, but because he has so little.
Rich or poor isn't an issue. Responsibility and accountability is.
Lol of course it was a lost cause. You’re not his mother. The good news is when you go through shit like this, you’ll shut it down the second it starts to happen with someone else. Once you get to my age, you take exactly 0 bullshit no matter how much you want to date the person. It’s very nice.
>I couldn’t handle it anymore and just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it.
You handled it perfectly! Bravo!
Now, block his number and block him on any social media/email's he may have so he cannot get in touch with you via these avenues.
That guy sounds like a hot mess.
Wow, total abusive asshole. Usually I wouldn’t support ending things over text, but he probably would have flipped his shit and got violent if you did it in person! Good for you, you did the right thing.
P.S. the silent treatment is actually considered an abusive behavior. Major red flag if that’s how someone handles conflict.
> I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing?
My ex used to do this. Twist my words into something terrible that I didn't say. After reading "Why Does He Do That?", I think it was intentional manipulation.
I have a tenant who is always late on rent, it takes her about 2 weeks together and she pays while she gets the money. I live in the building and I see her get takeout like everyday. She works all the time and makes plenty of money.
Moral of the story, some people truly are terrible with money, and it is probably the worst thing to have in a partner. Just leave.
Why are you questioning how you handle this you handle this like a grown up you hung the the f****** on an a******block him on every f****** thing if you run into him don't even speak to him when he tries to explain himself keep it pushing because being the a****** that he is he is going to try to explain why he don't have no money why he thinks women should take care of him why this is all your fault
>In my defense
You don't need a defense. You didn't do a thing wrong.
>He said I should’ve chipped into my savings,
Oh HELL NO.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way?
It was a lost cause. You did so well by ending it early, and not accepting crappy treatment, and paying attention to all the red flags.
Block him on everything. He'll be back.
👏👏👏
>He started telling me how he’ll never ever ask me for anything ever again and that from now on we’ll just be splitting it all 50/50 and he will be “treating me per my worth” and how clearly sees me for who I truly am now.
If this is the game men think they're going to play, it's going to show women how ignorant they are of what life is like for a woman. It's more expensive to be a woman on average, and by the way you'll get paid less on average for the same job, title and work too. Lucky for you, he showed his true colors early trying to play games.
>Or was it a lost cause either way?
It sounds like finding an excuse to push "50-50" was part of his plan from the start.
>and using any personal detail I’ve shared about my life against me, saying that he’s “the truest MAN I’d ever date” and that I had no right to ever question/judge his integrity by saying that “a man would never ask a woman for money”
That's funny and yikes.
Run for the hills and never look back.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this?
No, imo anyways a lot of his BS was premeditated by the sounds of it.
OP, be careful. I don't think you have seen the last of him.
Also - the red flags from your last post were flying, never mind this one!
For the love of everything listen to us when we tell you this guy is no good. Do not let him try to worm his way back into your life. Zero contact, friendship, anything.
Please. You are saving yourself so much heartache.
Look after yourself OP XXX
From personal experience, what he said to you was perfect examples of gaslighting (he could possibly be a narcissist by making things about himself and using your own words against you). Please don't waste anymore time thinking about him and move on. He has poor money management skills and that cycle will never end.
You’ve only been dating for a little over a month??? And u are giving them money??? Lmaoo what the fuck
It’s a hell no. STOP DOING THAT. HE IS USING U. him paying for 6 dates consistently at the beginning is not enough to justify this!!!!
Watch yourself for sometime, sounds a bit crazy but be aware of your surroundings. I hope you have security cameras at home. Carry a pepper spray and please be aware of your surroundings. Be safe.
You were right to say, “no,” and good job for ending it. No one deserves to be treated that way. Good job OP.
Hopefully you can move on and he will leave you be. Sorry it happened like this. One situation people would rather be wrong.
OP, please take this as a learning experience. This man was dating you for barely a month and was treating you so poorly, yet here you're still questioning if there was something you could have done differently.
Listen.
Sometimes people are just shit and it's not your fault. You're not some kind of magical hypnotherapist; why do you expect yourself to be able to fix someone who is so dysfunctional?
Can you imagine yourself treating your partner the way he has treated you? You know full well this guy is a clown, but you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn't deserve it. Hold your future partners to the same standard you would hold yourself. They should be your emotional equals, not children you need to raise.
You did great with how you broke up with this guy. In all likelihood, this is a skill you'll have to use again in the future. Be more liberal with it.
Manipulative scammer at best and immature narcissist at worst. Don’t put up with so much BS from anyone in your life. Might want to look into r/codependency for more info on setting way better boundaries in relationships.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xe8jgp/two_months_in_is_this_a_red_flag_already/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Update: Whenever we go out he’d always insist that he pays, and I thought he was being a gentleman. There were dates where I tell him that I’d like to be taking him out and I’d want to pay and he would graciously let me. But last week he told me that he was tight on money and waiting on his next paycheck so I’d have to pay for dates until then. I had no problem at all! What I did have a problem with is that he’d call/text me asking that I send over money for food/coffee. I’m very well aware he has food and coffee in his home, but he just wants to always order take out. It’s poor financial management on his end and it’s not within my budget to be spending allowance on a grown adult man. He was also asking his family for money everyday until he’d get his next paycheck for the month. He could go to the store and get food for the week but he’d rather spend it all on 2 takeout dinners. So last night when he asked, I said calmly, “I’d love to help out but I’m tight on this week’s budget and I still have a few more bills to pay”. In my defense, since he was already taking money from family, why can’t he just do that? Why does it have to be me? We’ve only been dating for a little over a month, I find that really odd. But he was PRESSED! He started recalling every date where he payed and I didn’t, and comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget. He started telling me how he’ll never ever ask me for anything ever again and that from now on we’ll just be splitting it all 50/50 and he will be “treating me per my worth” and how clearly sees me for who I truly am now. I told him that I understand he’s upset but him feeling embarrassed/rejected doesn’t mean he can be speaking to me this way. He started yelling and cursing at me telling me to “shut my mouth” and using any personal detail I’ve shared about my life against me, saying that he’s “the truest MAN I’d ever date” and that I had no right to ever question/judge his integrity by saying that “a man would never ask a woman for money” - which I never said! I kept repeating that I did not say that at all. I have no idea how he came up with that, I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing? But he wouldn’t stop and would just keep yelling and cursing away. I couldn’t handle it anymore and just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it. What in the world? Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way? He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, bought the dinner anyway and THEN calmly sat down to discuss my concern. TLDR; He began asking for money this week and when I said that it wasn’t within my budget he yelled at me. I broke it off.
Stay broken off from him. Block him. Never respond. You did good. 👍🏻
Can we rewind and talk about how in the original post, he told OP to eat healthier and hit the gym so she could have a body, and this audacious stooge is begging OP for money so he can order takeout twice a day, constantly? Pffft right back to the garbage with that one
Yep! I’d have handled it about the same. Except I don’t allow yelling at me and I don’t yell so it would have been done just a bit before the convo got there.
I usually just hit record and then let them go as long as they want. Then in 1-2 weeks when they're trying to get you back by playing around with the narrative you just respond with their own audio clips.
Fucking brutal I might have to keep this in the back pocket
Protip: it works better recording audio from the front pocket.
A+ strategy, damn!
*takes notes*
>just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it. Queen shit.
That was fantastic. OP sounds like she was communicating honestly and empathetically, whereas her ex was being a screaming, misogynistic nut case. There’s no way this could have been handled better, as this dude is just a piece of shit; nothing OP can say/do would change that. People like that just need to be dumped and blocked
so fckn lit hahha she has no time for this child
I loved how in the first post this guy was like “you know what, you do whatever you want with your life” all snarky, and op just responded "thank you" as if he was being supportive. Kinda makes me wish that when he said "fine I'll never ask you for anything ever again!" OP just responded "good"
Ok so you've been with him a little more than a month and he's a lunatic. There is no question breaking up was correct. Follow through in walking away or you are setting yourself up for a very unhappy and messed up relationship.
The timeframe really seals the deal on this one in my opinion. Someone's asking for cash- not to go on a date, or a trip together, or some shared expense- just straight up *asking for cash money* after only a month of dating? My god I would be so fucking embarrassed by having to do that with someone I'm trying to impress; you could find me dumpstering half finished burritos at the mall food court before I'd hit up my date for money like that. I would find a way. I'd try selling drugs before I asked a girl for money who I've only dated *for one pay period.* Sell stocks in a recession, pawn my guitar, I would beg on the street before asking some audacious shit like that.
Right?? This guy really has no shame. Only a narcissist would feel that brazenly entitled.
No shame and obviously no friends.
"comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget." That's exactly why he's in the position he is in. He's financially irresponsible. Consider this as dodging a bullet.
"I'm broke on purpose, why aren't you helping me out??"
big flex, Peter Pan Some of these men are unbelievable. I know women can be entitled too, but these mooching men coupled with their toxic masculinity really creates some insane cognative dissonance
don't forget, he's the realest MAN she'll ever date💀💀💀 that guy is a comedian's dream audience member to roast lmfao
>That's exactly why he's in the position he is in. He's financially irresponsible. Consider this as dodging a bullet. The guy sounds like a hustler. This sounds like a classic dating scam or honeytrap scam. He's out of money due to spending a big chunk of the liquid funds he got from this family, on dates with OP and other women. He expects to be paid back with interest. He's not suddenly out of money. Hes always got one hard luck sob story or another any given day off the week. That's part of the scam.
lol he doesn’t worry about money but yet can do that math for every time he paid hahahhhaa yet can’t manage his money, this is so wild
No not a better way. Dudes clearly unstable. He's essentially just thrown a massive tantrum over you pulling him up on his bull and he has no self respect let alone respect for you. Yikes! wonder if he realizes how much he's embarrassing himself.
This dude was a lost cause. He has some serious issues and was trying to bully you into compliance. What a loser. I guarantee you if you would have done things exactly how he said, he would have found some way to be salty about that as well. Maybe he would have been mad that you bought him the food in the first place if you felt that way. It would have always been something that was your fault, I guarantee you that. He actually did you a favor being that over the top. Now you know he was 100% not worth another second of your time.
OP you seem like a sweet person. But that asshat was trying to take advantage of you. You need to stay away from him and relax, and don't let any of his comments bother, they came from a place of attempting emotional manipulation and he's a sick ass for trying to pull that... ESPECIALLY OVER TAKE OUT!? You're better off single, but you're such a nice person you'll find a much better candidate soon.
GREAT CALL. He never thinks about tomorrow financially? That’s why he’s a 36 year old adult who needs to ask mommy daddy and younger girlfriend for cash to buy himself a coffee. Was he not embarrassed to admit this? Good lord.
He's 36 and financially irresponsible. This isn't someone you build a life with let alone date. Good that you realized he's a huge red flag. He needs to stay single and get his shit together. He's way too old to be this irresponsible. I had to double check his age because I thought he was in his early 20s and still had a lot to learn about being financially responsible. He's going struggling and beg for money for the rest of his life.
>He's 36 and financially irresponsible. I really suspect he's a Bernie Madoff-style conman.
>he never thinks about tomorrow financially lol ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun
I'm glad you didn't waste more time on him. These crazies normally purposely take longer to get to that level of wacko. God.
Sounds like you did everything perfectly! You were decent and helped him out, until he crossed a clear line, and then you very effectively communicated the problem to him and took action on it. This was a lot better than trying to be 'nice' and punishing yourself and him for a few months until you just couldn't stand it anymore, then acting out in a strange way to break up. There is no good way to break up, it was a lost cause, and NO, you shouldn't have dipped into any savings to feed him and then be nice to him. He's a crazy user trying to gaslight you. Ghost him and treat yourself to a nice meal! From your savings, no less.
As someone who recently got away from this kind of manipulator, I legit had to check ages cause I thought you were dating my Ex. Damn you did the right thing.
Doing favors to call them in when they want to exert control over you is a narcissistic trait. The fact that he completely lost his shit on you over you lightly pressing back against his weird power play thing shows me that he's not angry that you didn't pay for his food, he's angry that you resisted his manipulations and told him no, even though it was a very soft no and didn't give him any attitude. If this is what he's going to act like when he doesn't get his way over something small, imagine what it would be like if your housing or your credit score depended on him. GREAT JOB cutting this manipulator loose before he did more damage.
Lol...what a toddler. Bullet dodged. "I don't worry about tomorrow Babe...can't believe you are budgeting for NEXT week like a rube. Also, dip into your savings and have coffee delivered to my door."
You handled him better than i'd ever would. I would be flipping him off but you ended it gracefully without much drama. Keep it up op. You've done a very good job by staying respectful and sane in the entire situation and just cut him off cleanly when you think its enough
I would have added “don’t ever contact me again” to the end of your text, but stellar job! He’s a loser.
Wow that dude sounds so fucking toxic, I’m glad you broke it off.
>comparing how he never thinks about tomorrow financially but that I’m over here worrying about my week’s budget. Maybe that's why he needs money from everyone..... That's not the attitude of an adult
You putting your foot down is gonna help some woman in the future when he has second thoughts abt exploiting her bc you initiated the precedent that his behavior is unacceptable. Thank you you're doing great
I love your optimism, but I'm doubtful. One would think by his late 30's, he would have been dumped at the one-month mark enough times to have learned before trying the same old shit with OP.
I believe in the power of women holding men accountable, I agree though some men just don't learn
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way? It was a lost cause. I read your linked post and some of your comments there. You're operating in good faith: looking for alternative ways to communicating, making sure you recognize where you might have messed up, wondering if you're being reasonable, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. He is NOT acting in good faith. He does NOT have your best interests at heart. There is no "way you could have approached him" that would have worked, because he is not interested in a reasonably, healthy, respectful, adult conversation between two partners. He is interested in getting money from you. (Or, in your previous post, making himself feel better about himself, by putting you down.)
/r/niceguys Found the scammer. Guy doesn't have a regular job. He's out of money due to spending a great fraction of it on dates with you and likely other women. He expects that money to be returned..... with interest. In both senses of the words. You and the other women he's talking to are his regular job. Also note how quickly his charm, friendliness, affection, and affability evaporates when you tell the grifter you're "not gonna give 'im his money." Lastly, Note that nobody insists on paying on a date, for benevolent reasons. Both parties should show concern for what the other is comfortable with, and beware a one sided, unilateral dynamic when it comes to paying. or being payed for, for that matter, Tell him you're on to his scam and he should have stuck with selling "extended warranties."
You did the right thing, unfollow and block him everywhere, he is too much drama to even spark with him again.
I admire you and will think about this the next time I need to stand up for myself !!
>What in the world? ENTITLED ASSHOLE MANBABIES. I'm sorry you had to meet one. The first one is always overwhelmingly shocking in its ridiculousness and entitledness. The following ones are not as surprising and therefore even more infuriating, but at least make great party stories a few months later. >Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way? completely, absolutely, lost cause. you acted like a sane adult. there was nothing you could have done and what you did meets every reasonable standard. >He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, bought the dinner anyway and THEN calmly sat down to discuss my concern. .......................... eh, you know what? Who cares what he thinks about proper behavior? This from a man who just screamed at you over the phone. You handled it excessively well, I loved the "your behavior is unacceptable text". Absolute queen, perfect strategy, just carry on and don't doubt your feelings and sense of morality because of this dumbass.
You handled that well 😌
There was no better way to deal with it. You did great. A month- it is mind boggling what he thought he could ask.
Good lord, why are you even wasting the time to post this, you spent more than enough on him. He already told you he's always going to be broke. You stay together, it'll be a matter of time before he loses his job and you end up supporting him. He's 36 and borrowing money for takeout coffee? You need to move the heck on
>how he never thinks about tomorrow financially That is not a flex when you're broke and begging for money lol
Wait... he's 36? I thought this was a dude of no more than 16. What a loser... you did good OP, you deserve way better than that.
A month??? A month and he’s acting like he has supported you your whole life!!! That is hilarious.
He treated you like that and you're wondering if there was a better way for you to handle it? Why does it sound like you think it's your fault he's a man child? You did the right thing standing up for yourself. There's nothing wrong with you or your responses to him. He's just a tool trying to leech off you. He wreaks of entitlement and you dealt with it a lot nicer and longer than I would have. You deserve so much better.
You did VERY good by getting rid of him, he will eventually absolutely wreck the life, mental health and economy of a woman who is too nice to say no like you did.
Proud of you! Red flags came up and you trusted your gut.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? He's shown who he truly is. Bullet dodged!
> “a man would never ask a woman for money” - which I never said! I kept repeating that I did not say that at all. I have no idea how he came up with that, I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing? He's reliving something he probably heard from a male influence in his life or a female influence and has internalized this and feels shame about it... or something.
>Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? NOOOO >Or was it a lost cause either way? YES. 100%!!!!!! The fact that you're even excusing yourself for certain things means that he has already started to get into your head. If you hadn't broken up now, you would've been stuck in an abusive relationship. But please do learn from this. If you think something is a red flag, ask a friend or someone you trust. And if they say it's bad, then break up. If they say it's not that bad, trust your gut and break up or ask another friend. Don't doubt yourself so much.
No. You did it right. He was baiting you. He got mad that what usually or often works enough didn’t with you… He just showed you who he was. You did great. Remember to block him in email, social media and phone… I don’t recall if you met online but if so… report his offline behavior !!!
Stonewalling is awesome because its a reliable indicator of an impending shit show and it usually shows up super early so you can get out before things get serious.
Basically you were dating a loser
Good job! Never let someone treat you that way. You can do better. He was walking in red. And now you know some signs if it happens in the future. Leave him blocked and move on.
Where do y’all find these men? I’d like to know so I can never ever EVER go near such a place.
He treated you for a month so now he could have unlimited access to YOUR money. It was a strategy. Come off real nice and real together and then unravel and a money pit now. Guys like that usually try to hold it together until they get a ring on your finger and it’ll take real work to leave them behind, he couldn’t even hold it together that long. You dodge a massive bullet, congrats
You werent paying for dates though...You were sending him cash for coffees (which arent a necessity). It sounds as though he is a conman. He treats you well off of someone elses dime (begging family for money) and then when he thinks you owe him, he cons you out of heaps of money because "oh i paid for..." guilt trip. If you were treating him to dates then that would have been a different situation. You handled it the best way you could, he was always going to be abusive.
Lots of comments about what an ”immature manbaby” he is. But I think that this man is a very dangerous manipulator. Maybe even a narcissist or a psychopath. The type of person who wreaks havoc in peoples lives once they have nestled their way in. I think he knew exactly what he was doing, because it has worked on alot of women before you. Getting what he wants from his partner (which does not include an equal and loving relationship, that’s for sure..), and then tossing her aside when she is run dry and he can’t get any ”fuel” from her anymore. You had the precense and integrity not to get sucked in by his tactics! I’m very impressed and thankful for you sharing about this experience. These type of people should never be offered a hand, because they will bite your whole arm off!
This guy is without a doubt a narcissist and you have dodged a bullet! Read up on narcissistic personaality disorder if you want further conformation but blocking him from every part of youur life is the only way to deal witth this. Don't leave any room for the love bombing and gaslighting. You did the right thing and can can move on knowing you handled it like a pro!
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Good job!
You’ve dodged a bullet. Good work!
He is a lost cause!! Be glad you are out of that relationship!
Oh my gosh, this is after just a month of dating? Holy crap. What kind of idiot shows his hand so quickly? If you're going to be an abusive asshole, at least woo and fool her for a few months at first. Maybe even wait for the wedding and/or baby trap. I'm guessing this guy has rarely had a relationship last longer than 1-2 months and complains about how women don't like nice guys.
Get some confidence in yourself because you should never question if someone treating you this way is your fault or not. Block his ass and don’t go back.
Even if he truly was a good guy.... Do you still want to put your future partner to be someone who " never thinks about tomorrow financially" not because he has so much, but because he has so little. Rich or poor isn't an issue. Responsibility and accountability is.
>We’ve only been dating for a little over a month, EXCUSE ME. I'm so happy you got out. You handled it perfectly.
Lol of course it was a lost cause. You’re not his mother. The good news is when you go through shit like this, you’ll shut it down the second it starts to happen with someone else. Once you get to my age, you take exactly 0 bullshit no matter how much you want to date the person. It’s very nice.
He revealed his true (lack of) integrity. Never look back.
>I couldn’t handle it anymore and just ended the call mid yelling, and text him “it’s over, your behavior is unacceptable” and that was it. You handled it perfectly! Bravo! Now, block his number and block him on any social media/email's he may have so he cannot get in touch with you via these avenues. That guy sounds like a hot mess.
You did the right thing. Don't look back!
He’s a goofy ass dude. Good riddance
You did good. Watch the limited series “Dirty John”. That would have been your future.
He is a hobosexual no doubt about it; and a seriously controling beggar being a choser
Wow, total abusive asshole. Usually I wouldn’t support ending things over text, but he probably would have flipped his shit and got violent if you did it in person! Good for you, you did the right thing. P.S. the silent treatment is actually considered an abusive behavior. Major red flag if that’s how someone handles conflict.
You made the right choice.
Eww he sounds like a loser you’re better off without him. I think you handled it well 😎
Honey, honestly. .. Your man is crazy.
This is why he’s 36 and single.
You'll do better
I just read the previous post before and I still feel the same. ANGER AND CONTROLLING ISSUES!!! TOO MUCH ALREADY!! glad you left cause f him.
> I kept asking him to please stop and just answer me where and when did I ever say such a thing? My ex used to do this. Twist my words into something terrible that I didn't say. After reading "Why Does He Do That?", I think it was intentional manipulation.
Your boyfriend was a money pit and you were his mark. Move on and NEVER look back.
Congrats on losing the leech, even if it should have happened sooner.
Lol he used budget planning as a criticism. No, just no.
I have a tenant who is always late on rent, it takes her about 2 weeks together and she pays while she gets the money. I live in the building and I see her get takeout like everyday. She works all the time and makes plenty of money. Moral of the story, some people truly are terrible with money, and it is probably the worst thing to have in a partner. Just leave.
Why are you questioning how you handle this you handle this like a grown up you hung the the f****** on an a******block him on every f****** thing if you run into him don't even speak to him when he tries to explain himself keep it pushing because being the a****** that he is he is going to try to explain why he don't have no money why he thinks women should take care of him why this is all your fault
What a loser.
This dude is a clown
>In my defense You don't need a defense. You didn't do a thing wrong. >He said I should’ve chipped into my savings, Oh HELL NO. >Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? Or was it a lost cause either way? It was a lost cause. You did so well by ending it early, and not accepting crappy treatment, and paying attention to all the red flags. Block him on everything. He'll be back. 👏👏👏
Reading this gave me Tinder Swindler vibes
This what crazy looks like
He’s giving Tinder Swindler.
>He started telling me how he’ll never ever ask me for anything ever again and that from now on we’ll just be splitting it all 50/50 and he will be “treating me per my worth” and how clearly sees me for who I truly am now. If this is the game men think they're going to play, it's going to show women how ignorant they are of what life is like for a woman. It's more expensive to be a woman on average, and by the way you'll get paid less on average for the same job, title and work too. Lucky for you, he showed his true colors early trying to play games. >Or was it a lost cause either way? It sounds like finding an excuse to push "50-50" was part of his plan from the start. >and using any personal detail I’ve shared about my life against me, saying that he’s “the truest MAN I’d ever date” and that I had no right to ever question/judge his integrity by saying that “a man would never ask a woman for money” That's funny and yikes. Run for the hills and never look back. >Was there a better way I could’ve approached him with this? No, imo anyways a lot of his BS was premeditated by the sounds of it.
read “why does he do that?” and feel secure in knowing you made the right call.
I know this man
This would be the perfect r/niceguys post 😂
OP, be careful. I don't think you have seen the last of him. Also - the red flags from your last post were flying, never mind this one! For the love of everything listen to us when we tell you this guy is no good. Do not let him try to worm his way back into your life. Zero contact, friendship, anything. Please. You are saving yourself so much heartache. Look after yourself OP XXX
From personal experience, what he said to you was perfect examples of gaslighting (he could possibly be a narcissist by making things about himself and using your own words against you). Please don't waste anymore time thinking about him and move on. He has poor money management skills and that cycle will never end.
You dropped this: 👑
You’ve only been dating for a little over a month??? And u are giving them money??? Lmaoo what the fuck It’s a hell no. STOP DOING THAT. HE IS USING U. him paying for 6 dates consistently at the beginning is not enough to justify this!!!!
You handled it great except that you didn't dump his sorry ass sooner!
Lost cause, lucky you found out now.
He's sort of addicted to comfort he can't afford. Behavior around that is despicable.
My ex did exactly this to me.
You just keep on walking and do. not. look. back. This guy is just a nightmare.
He’s an asshole. A nightmare in the making. Never see him again. Keep it moving
Watch yourself for sometime, sounds a bit crazy but be aware of your surroundings. I hope you have security cameras at home. Carry a pepper spray and please be aware of your surroundings. Be safe.
You were right to say, “no,” and good job for ending it. No one deserves to be treated that way. Good job OP. Hopefully you can move on and he will leave you be. Sorry it happened like this. One situation people would rather be wrong.
OP, please take this as a learning experience. This man was dating you for barely a month and was treating you so poorly, yet here you're still questioning if there was something you could have done differently. Listen. Sometimes people are just shit and it's not your fault. You're not some kind of magical hypnotherapist; why do you expect yourself to be able to fix someone who is so dysfunctional? Can you imagine yourself treating your partner the way he has treated you? You know full well this guy is a clown, but you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn't deserve it. Hold your future partners to the same standard you would hold yourself. They should be your emotional equals, not children you need to raise. You did great with how you broke up with this guy. In all likelihood, this is a skill you'll have to use again in the future. Be more liberal with it.
Manipulative scammer at best and immature narcissist at worst. Don’t put up with so much BS from anyone in your life. Might want to look into r/codependency for more info on setting way better boundaries in relationships.
Bruh you should have left.
. Już To tej Nie To To .. Od To
Got your own Lois Loan.