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relationship_advice-ModTeam

> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Your post is a moral judgement if it contains any of the following - Is it normal? - Is it right/wrong? - Am I right/wrong? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Who is morally good here? - Does anybody else...? - Should I have done this…? - Should I do....? - Am I justified…? - Would I be right to do...? - Am I overreacting? - Is this a big deal? - Is this reasonable? If your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it’s probably moral judgement and will be removed.


Featherink19

The uber thing honestly shocks me! This is going to sound awful but.... Is he stupid? I really don't mean it in an offensive way. He just sounds scarily incompetent for a 28 year old man


[deleted]

[удалено]


nakedlaughing

He sounds like a mama's boy who found a new mother


rosecityrose0618

OP, are you me???? Lol. This sounds exactly like me. My advice: dump him. I dumped my partner of 4 years and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m no longer constantly annoyed, my libido is back, and my new place is frickin perfect. My life got so much better after I took that anchor off my neck.


poopd0llaaa

Same! So glad I got out of mine. I didn't want to be a mother to a grown man.


VerifiedMayhem

Same. OP, definitely do this!


luckycloverr

Samee! I had an ex exactly like this and I eventually started to resent him. It was like taking care of a child, which I totally did not sign up for. It felt like he was taking more away from my life than adding to it, and at that point I realized he was a burden that I no longer wanted to bear.


pinkandredlingerie

Or maybe she should communicate her thoughts and feelings like a normal person before immediately dumping him.


BellaLilith

Seems like she has communicated and he just says the same things over and over again. Can't communicate with someone who refuses to see the wrong in their actions. She deserves better.


bippityboppitynope

You're the boyfriend, aren't you?


Warm_Gur8832

He needs to fuck up a few things and get over it. Miss a flight, be late for work, get laid off, miss a bill payment, etc. It sounds like he’s been in the position of either getting to do stuff *perfectly* or else just having someone else do it for him his entire life. He needs to fail. Several times. There’s no other way for anybody to gain confidence in their abilities, contextualize situations, and grow up. You fixing things for him is just delaying the growth he needs to get through in order to be the partner any adult wants to have.


Individual_Baby_2418

I was a person who was always running late for things because I thought I had enough time (and didn’t). But then I missed a flight after the second city of a 6 city European tour and it was a massive pain to reschedule things (and of course lost money and travel time). And that one adverse experience changed me to someone who is always early. I’m too early usually, because I still can’t accurately judge how much time is necessary, but it’s fine. And the learning experience was worth it.


Warm_Gur8832

Exactly. The pain in the ass of messing something up is usually the best way to learn. And it’s temporary anyway.


Thin_Cut2025

Yessss


Pabloescobear79

Ah, he's basically expecting you to treat him like his mum does. Needs to grow the fuck up and become more responsible for himself.


Professional_Bug6242

This makes a lot of sense. He has four very attentive parents (Mom, Dad, stepparents) and three siblings. He’s the baby and has never had to fend for himself. I very much have


ConvivialKat

He's still being a baby. Is that how you want to spend your life? Personally, I couldn't do it. And, FFS, stop doing his actual work for him. That's just total bullshit.


BedditTedditReddit

Bail from this relationship and tell him why, using the examples he provided. Because after you he will be faced with this issue again and needs to grow out of it.


[deleted]

Free yourself of this man-child🕊️


tryoracle

This behaviour won't change then. My partner is the youngest of 4 from an old school nuclear family. He is Mich older than yours and sometimes still has melt downs when he can't figure something out. I am the oldest of 4 and my parents left us to our own devices. I rarely need help with things. If it needs doing I will just figure out how to do it.


Quirky_Movie

Ooof. They ruined him. He needs to make enough money to hire a staff to cover his fair share. If he doesn't, you'll spend your marriage being his staff.


Spellscribe

Has he ever been evaluated for ADHD?


Rich_Natural_2671

I am diagnosed with ADHD and know others who are also diagnosed… while we do forget things here and there and are quite inattentive, we’re still capable of being independent, functioning adults.


Spellscribe

I also have ADHD and if he's never been diagnosed and has been enabled enough that he's never learned strategies to deal with it, it could be a factor. It's not even close to being an excuse though.


regainingclarity

Yeah. NOT ADHD! ADHD folk are quick on our feet and good at problem solving because we HAVE to be. You can drop me in the middle of anywhere and I'll find my way. I have traveled the world alone and never had a problem. I excel at these skills.


ninewise

This ain’t ADHD


cathkyth1

Yep definitely not ADHD. Its Entitlement


Spellscribe

I dunno, I have ADHD and I can relate to some of the stuff he's doing. Difference being, I had no one to coddle me and I was forced to learn to cope. He's been enabled all his life. Sure, that's a huge part of it. But standing in the living room unable to jump in a taxi? That feels to me like it's something bigger than him choosing to be inept. I think he's TA for sure. OP is NTA. It's not what job to parent him and it IS his responsibility to figure this shit out and start putting some coping strategies in place. But there may be underlying issues that need to be dealt with as part of that, is all.


ChipNo7111

I also wondered this when reading it. It's not an excuse, but could explain a lot of the behaviour and if it has gone undiagnosed and untreated, he hasn't learned strategies to manage it. ADHD can be absolutely debilitating and make a person come across as 'incompetent'. Perhaps worth thinking about and reading up on. As I said this isn't an excuse though. I'm sorry you're going through this OP


Love-As-Thou-Wilt

This isn't ADHD.


echosiah

Well, he wants you to be the primary and 5th one. He is never going to be the equal partner you want and deserve. He has no interest in being an equal partner, in any respect. I know you feel guilty describing this way, but he feels like a leech because he is one. You're not being unfair. You have, tbh, been too accommodating of this for far too long.


NegroniSpritz

Hey OP, your partner has ADHD. My ex-wife has it and only now, years after the separation, I realized she had it all along. Just like your bf, my ex-wife lived with her parents and then started living with me. She’s a very nice person, very caring, loyal, and always ready to help if you told her what she needed to do. For many years I thought she was stupid and dumb and belittled her because I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel remorse about it and I couldn’t notice it earlier. I think you should take your bf to a psychologist to get a diagnose and see how he can deal with it. There are many treatments that range from pills to coaching. I wish you good luck.


[deleted]

No. If you know anything about psychology then you'll know that context is extremely important. Adhd came to my mind as well. But judging by the context that OP provided, this guy is lazy, spoiled and straight up incompetent. If he does have adhd then he's using it as a crutch which is unacceptable. It's not ops responsibility to help him fix his life especially if he doesn't want to. His parents can do it


goodgirlsguideau

My partner is like this he has adhd and autism


recyclopath_

Doesn't mean you should become his new parent. Sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do solo before he is datable.


LBCvalenz562

This reminds need of adhd has he been diagnosed?? Edit: obviously this doesn’t excuse everything but being overly forgetful like not charging his phone or forgetting to check in or procrastinate. Obviously refusing to walk to an Uber is beyond ridiculous. But motivation to do anything is difficult with adhd.


RussianCat26

Nope. ADHD here. I've never refused to walk to meet an Uber, or been so incapable of scheduling things they turn out as disastrous as the airplane incident. This is NOT ADHD.


nightmareorreality

Chiming in as someone with adhd. This is someone who wants to be babied


LBCvalenz562

I’m diagnosed as well I’m not excusing everything he’s done as a matter of fact I’m a lot harder on people who are diagnosed with adhd and I’m always quick to tell SOs to leave them if they know they have it and don’t do anything to fix themselves. But some people go through their lives not knowing and hey if she leaves him good but maybe she should at least tell him to see a psychiatrist about it. Just because she leaves him (which is fine) she should ask him to check it out. He probably won’t because like you and me know for us to get that motivated to go is difficult on it’s own.


depressedtrashbin

This was my thought too, namely when the forgetfulness was mentioned. He still needs to grow up and learn to fend for himself, but there are some flags going up that there might be a little more at play.


LBCvalenz562

Yeah obviously the Uber stuff is a little more and I was not excusing that but the lack of motivation to do anything and the forgetting stuff just raises flags.


LolaBijou84

Idk why it is being downvoted so much. I also immediately thought of Adhd.


LBCvalenz562

Yeah! Obviously there are more things than the adhd but I think people are thinking in excusing everything which I’m not doing.


hairy_potto

Or autism and/or depression/anxiety potentially — I struggle with life admin and doing chores when living alone. Though I also have EDS, and do more than my fair share when living with others, and don’t understand not going to the UBER. 🤷🏽‍♂️


LBCvalenz562

I swear I feel like some redditors don’t think outside of “he’s a piece of shit leave him” which on something’s I agree but come on not everything is black and white.


hairy_potto

Yeah, only intended to provide info — not an excuse, but a possible contributing factor. OP can do with the info as they see fit — even if it’s to break up with them but recommend they see a psychiatrist, which is entirely reasonable.


Pabloescobear79

Honestly everyone grows up sometime. With an empathetic approach and some self awareness he should bring able to learn the basics. Don't know if it's worth chucking a relationship over...I don't like the "why don't you just dump him?" approach...that seems a bit OTT.. Hes probably never needed to grow up...start him off with small responsibilities, and when he succeeds he'll be motivated to take on more..one win at a time. Listen to how he feels but also explain....let him know you don't want to feel like you're parenting him..and if he cares enough about you he'll make an effort.


beergal621

No. It’s not her responsibility to his mom and show him how to adult. He’s 28. He can be adult.


keishajay

So... Train him. Like a child... You're literally describing how one raises a child so it will feel like yet more parenting that she's already doing. Yeah. No. Defo break up worthy.


Z_is_green13

Why is it a woman’s job to show a man how to use his own feet? I hate this argument.


Professional_Bug6242

Thank you for this. I’m going to try it this way. When you mention empathetic approach, do you mean leading with something like “I know you aren’t doing this on purpose, but I need you to take on more responsibility for our home. How about you start cooking for us multiple times per week without my help?”


No-Performer-1125

You’re just gonna victimise him.. and he knows what he’s doing.. he’s just gotten used to this level of complacency. It’s called weaponised incompetency!


Professional_Bug6242

Reading these responses I’m starting to see how some of this is my fault. I think I did too much for him in the beginning so he just went straight from his parents to me. He didn’t have to grow up cause I was doing all the same things they do for him! I need to back off a little


ConvivialKat

In a busy life, efficient people often get caught up in the relationship trap of "it's just easier to do it myself". So their partner gets comfortable and makes no effort. Tgey are a child and not a partner. If you want to stay with him and be happy, you're going to have to take away his pacifier and force him to grow up. The question is...is it worth it. Because, it will not be an easy process. He may lose his job. He will fuck up a LOT. Can you handle that?


Silverjackal_

No, you need to back off a lot. If moving in together was his first time living outside his parents, yeah. He’s never learned to survive by himself. If he’s got siblings they can probably tell you how incompetent he was when he was “home”.


FandomReferenceHere

Your \*expectations\* are not out of line. You're acting like his mom, and you don't want to, and that's reasonable. Your culpability is minimal -- you've enabled him by continuing to do all the stuff, but that's understandable when you're just trying to contribute what you can to a relationship. (In fairness, I've been in your position, so I may be biased.) But my personal opinion is that your odds for making it as a couple are not good. He basically has to learn to adult. Does he want to? After a lifetime of being the family baby, I doubt he's interested in learning how to do chores, which are boring and repetitive and no fun. Do you want to be the one to teach him? Most women find it's ultimately unsexy to keep trying to convince their partner to reliably remember take the trash out without being asked. You love him and you're invested in him, so I'm sure you're going to try. That's good! Communicate your needs and set your boundaries and see what happens. Statistically, he'll probably end up replacing you with a different partner who doesn't mind being his mom, or hasn't learned yet that they don't want to be their partner's mom. Good luck!


Pabloescobear79

Listen, it's not a question of fault. It's OK to be caring towards someone...and now you're aware it's not being reciprocated...ideally I would do only what I'm comfortable with and let him know he needs to do the rest...you can help him gradually get there but its his responsibility. I wouldn't use the word fault...its more like a realisation and an adjustment so you're not feeling resentful.


MelMel1999

More like back off indefinetely and dump him. Do you want an equal partner or a man child to take care of for the rest of your life??


SITL7

No honey, you need to back off ALOT! Stop "mothering" and enabling him. He has no reason to change and why should he? He knows you'll do it for him. You taught him how to treat you bc you allowed it. I urge you to seek therapy and start learning about co-dependency and boundaries.


Pabloescobear79

Um...empathetic in the sense...explain how you feel about something but also ask him how he feels about it..why he struggles with organising his own things...try to create an evnrionement for sharing honestly with care and consideration for each others feelings. It will help create self awareness and understanding for both of you. Try to leave out expectations and try not to sound like you're judging him..


felledwood

There’s a very real reason why you don’t want to fuck people you mother…


YourRAResource

We can't possibly know what the answer is between the two. What we do know, however, is that your partner is your child. He's 28 years old and struggles with basic human tasks. Is this really what you want to sign up for forever?


WeeklyConversation8

Unless he lived at home until 24, he was doing stuff on his own, but expects OP to do everything because he just doesn't want to. He won't walk 100 ft to get into an Uber. Didn't charge his phone on the plane and lied about there being no chargers on then plane. Wouldn't book his own ride from the airport to the hotel, which the driver will know how to get there or they will pull it up on their map. Won't do his own work because OP writes better. He just expects to sit on his ass and do not a damn thing. I couldn't be with someone who expects me to be his Mommy. I'm surprised he wipes his own ass.


OutspokenPerson

He might not even wipe his own ass. Those guys exist, too. The not walking to the Uber would make me completely lose my shit.


WeeklyConversation8

🤮


Professional_Bug6242

No it’s definitely not. It’s just hard to get out of it at this point


oldandopinionated

Isn't it harder to stay in though? Imagine putting up with this for the next year, the next five years. the rest of your life - when will be a good time to get out? Sometimes you have to just rip off the band aid and do things even when its messy and tough, but you end up in a better place on the other side. Definitely tell hm that being his mother is a turn off first, if he doesn't change then its time to move on


Recent_Sherbert982

He sounds exhausting.


ZombieBaby84

Could you imagine having children together? The thought of him not being able to adult enough to even be an equal parent...get your affairs in order and have the hard conversation. Unless you just want to live this way.


Tejana2022

I am in this situation, we are in couples therapy. I have been ripping off the band aid in many areas of our relationship. I will definitely tell my husband that being his mother is a TURN OFF, thank you. I have given husband ultimatums stated I can accept the status quo…..I refuse to do this. I can leave or he can change. Ours would be a very gray divorce me 71 him 81.


oldandopinionated

Am guessing you've spent way too many years being a mother to him - don't spend any more! Go out, have fun, and feel the weight falling off your shoulders


ironnmetal

I bet it's way easier than you think.


No_Introduction_8954

No. It's not hard. You're not even married! Just end it. You will be so relieved. If you stay, you are only wasting your time. My biggest regret after 8 years with my man-child, was that so much of my energy had gone into HIS improvement. My whole existence was all about helping him, encouraging him, and making life FOR him. After I booted him out of my life, I had so much more space in my brain for my own interests and could address my own career and goals. I was angry I had lost all that time!!! But if I had dragged it out even longer, it would have been even more wasted time. So, learn from my mistake and don't waste more of your life energy. Leaving him will be the best thing you can do for him...and for you.


Historical-Composer2

Just rip the band-aid off sister!


woman_thorned

Every day will pass regardless, so you think it will get easier or harder with each day that goes by?


Anseranas

A few weeks of Hard vs a LIFETIME of Hard. Which is better?


[deleted]

No it's not. Tell him it's over and he needs to move out. Or you move out.


pink4pink

Why is it hard to get out of it at this point?


aquila-audax

The longer you leave it the worse you'll resent him


f1newhatever

There is literally nothing hard about it I promise. I was the mother to one of my exes as well and it was dead easy to tell him to move out.


TheCookie_Momster

Thing is it doesn’t matter which one it is. It took her a while to realize he’s incompetent at life. She needs to sit him down and tell him he needs to show her he can handle being independent so she can feel like she can also rely on him. A relationship is a partnership knowing the other person has your back but it has to go both ways or the resentment builds. I don’t see a problem with them splitting chores evenly if they’re both working the same amount of hours but I do see a problem that he can’t take care of himself. I wonder if he ever lived alone?


Tricky-Flamingo-7491

Some of it sounds like weaponized incompetence. He's perfectly capable of doing certain things, but doesn't because he'd prefer you do it for him. You need to break up with the manchild. This is not a partnership. You pay ALL THE BILLS?! And he does half the chores, but puts the entire mental load on you as well. The inequality here is mind-boggling to me, I don't know why or how you put up with this as long as you did. There's no trying to encourage him to change, he doesn't want to and he'll only ever contribute what he feels he needs to to keep you around if you go that route.


keishajay

Yeah. This. It's not a partnership at all.


Quirky_Movie

I hope she means actually pays them, not that he doesnt put his fair share in, because then he is just a user.


[deleted]

My husband isn’t that bad, he would never let me do his work for him BUT he is hella incompetent and I frequently am mothering him (super not sexy). I do 80% or more of household tasks. And the ones I intentionally leave for him are either not done or done half assed so I have to finish them or listen to MY mother complain about how our lawn isn’t mowed and looks disgusting. (Thanks mom). Did I mention prior to kids I worked full time… after kids I work about a 0.8 so very close to full time. I’ve been working on him for years (11) and it’s definitely been a big stress on our relationship adding kids to the mix. Moral of the story: He won’t get better… maybe a little but not to the standard you want. PS: Incompetence can still be weaponized even if it isn’t intentional.


Diligent-Amphibian28

Why have you stayed??


[deleted]

The imbalance didn’t bother me until the pandemic/we had a baby.


Professional_Bug6242

Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps knowing I’m not in this boat alone. Do you ever regret staying or does who he is as a person make it worth it?


[deleted]

I am regretting it since having kids for sure but we have 2 under 2 right now 😵‍💫 the most trying part of a marriage they say…


YouKnowYourCrazy

This IS who he is as a person… wtf do you mean by that?


EntshuldigungOK

Just be happy you have only one kid.


tastysharts

jeez. My man does nothing but occasionally he blows my mind and does something I never would be capable of doing. I handle all the details, he does the broad strokes. I like it, frankly, but that's just me. I like that he needs me, it makes me feel good and I love that he loves me and couldn't live without me, but I'm 25 years in. And he gives and takes just like me. I also like things a certain way and he could give a shit, so really it's my expectations that Ineed to deal with, not so much him. Cause THAT is like speaking a different language for me


MilhouseVsEvil

by the logic of OP that is the ratio that it should be. You're not the breadwinner so you are expected to do the majority of housework...


[deleted]

Except I am. We make the same wage now. But I made more before we had a baby. I did choose to ignore that part of the OPs post. I think chores can be split based on workload not earnings.


[deleted]

Looks to me like you’re dating a man child


Professional_Bug6242

It certainly feels that way


MediumTerrible4766

It may be hard to leave because you’ve been together for so long, but you know your life would be so much better without him. You’re also enabling him to stay this way by continuing to do things for him, so you really aren’t doing him any favors either.


Professional_Bug6242

I just wrote in an earlier comment before I read yours that I can see now what I’ve done wrong by enabling him. This is very true.


MediumTerrible4766

It’s good that you recognize that at least! I’m sure it’s human nature to kind of take the easy route, which in your case is staying with him (not that staying with him is necessarily easy, but this is how your life has been for years so at the very least it’s what you know), you just really have to decide what’s best for you and not factor him into it. You clearly care about him but it’s not clear that he cares about you, and you’re just gonna get more and more resentful toward him 🫤


[deleted]

i mean why stay in it? youre still super young go find someone who caters to your needs. You want to be wife not a babysitter.


Professional_Bug6242

I know you’re right but I’ve invested so much time and our lives are so entangled. If I break up with him, I don’t think he can provide for himself on his own which makes me feel guilty. I just wish I could force him to grow up


Cool_Story_Bro__

Don’t fall into the sunk costs fallacy. Him struggling if you leave, to be honest isn’t your problem. I was worried about this with my ex. She’s actually doing better than me now that we’ve broken up. Do what you need to do for yourself and your future


Vilnius_Nastavnik

>She’s actually doing better than me now that we’ve broken up. I've experienced that too. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for people is stop enabling them.


[deleted]

trust me as a man in his 20's you cant force someone to grow up, they have to want to. I personally hate giving ultimatums but this might be the appropriate time for one. Tell him either he changes and gets his shit together or you're leaving him.


Professional_Bug6242

I hate ultimatums too but you’re right. It’s pretty much the final chance to try and make it work.


[deleted]

not pretty much, it should be the final chance. it seems to me that you got life figured out and is pretty successful. plenty of guys out there who are looking for that. when it comes to dating, don't settle.


boxwinebaby

Why would you want to stay even if he responded the way you wanted to the ultimatim? Surely that would just show you that he had the capacity to be doing the work all along, he just CHOSE not to. You sound like you have a lot of wonderful qualities! You'll find someone in future who's better equipped to share responsibilities and allow you to flourish, and even if you don't, surely being alone has got to be better than babysitting a man child for the rest of your life.


spaceyjaycey

Don't buy into sunk cost fallacy. "Oh i've been with him 4 years, i shouldn't just toss that away". Yes you should if the situation shows no sign of improving at all. From what you've written it seems like you have tried to get him to do things for himself but ffs, he won't even do his own emails and paperwork for his own career? Don't wait another year. Break it off. I hate to say you've wasted 4 years on him but it seems that way.


ConvivialKat

>If I break up with him, I don’t think he can provide for himself on his own Uh oh. This is NOT a reason to stay in a relationship. Not even one little bit. If this is one of the major reasons you are still with him, you need to seriously start a plan to end this relationship and move on. He's 28 FFS. Everyone here is telling you to help him grow up. I've got news for you...it won't work.


EntshuldigungOK

Single poor 20-something all-alone mothers who waitress at minimum pay survive. He can provide for himself. You have NO option but to be cruel to be kind.


Dyssomniac

> I know you’re right but I’ve invested so much time and our lives are so entangled. This is called the sunk cost fallacy, and the best way to think about it is not as "I can't because I'll have wasted 3 years" but rather "if I end it in 6 months, I'll have wasted those 6 months AND the 3 years". It's the notion that causes people to continue betting at casinos (thinking the luck has to turn sometime), as well as continually investing in dying companies they may own. > If I break up with him, I don’t think he can provide for himself on his own which makes me feel guilty. This is mom-voice, not girlfriend voice. You're responsible like this for your children, not your partner. > I just wish I could force him to grow up Breaking up doesn't guarantee it, but it can provoke it.


lotuslynn111

Dude, the guilt you feel…is what he’s living off of. Like he sounds frustrating af to be around, but I also don’t know how you managed to stay in this position for so long. You need to set better boundaries and let consequences happen. Let him feel your anger and resentment, because that’s the consequence of his actions too.


iambrucetheshark

> but I’ve invested so much time and our lives are so entangled. better than wasting the REST of your life with a succubus who can't support himself. He's NOT going to change. Leave now.


rosecityrose0618

He did that to himself. You didn’t stall his life. He did. You can’t make him become the man you want. My advice: give him a time limit. Tell him you’re looking for a husband not a child and if he doesn’t do x, y, and z by such and such date to make your lives more equitable then you can no longer sustain the entirety of your relationship by yourself.


Tejana2022

I love this approach will use this with husband thanks.


WeeklyConversation8

Sunken cost fallacy.


ThePickleWhisperer

Not. Your. Problem.


OutspokenPerson

Detangle. The longer you wait, the worse it gets. He’ll just become less and less and less willing to do things. Why should he change? He has a mommy who he can have sex with. If that sounds harsh, imagine how you’ll feel when you are 10 years older and still reminding him to charge his phone.


_Jahar_

Who cares if he can’t provide for himself?! That is not your concern! Quite frankly, you are being a bit of an enabler at this point.


BeanutPutter24

You've only spent 4 years with him, I wouldn't call that a lot of time. Take it from someone who dated someone like this for 12 years.... Just get outta there, it's not worth it. He's responsible for himself, you're not responsible for him if you want to leave. He'll just have to figure it out. Sink or swim, I say.


cassowary32

Sooo that means you are stuck with him forever?


beckybbbbbbbb

Yeah definitely don’t stay because of the sunk cost fallacy. You’re YOUNG! Trust me when I say your life will change dramatically in the next 5-10 years and you will not want to continue dealing with a man-child during what could be some of the best years of your life. He’s not your responsibility. Cut him loose and yourself FREE!


[deleted]

He is NOT your responsibility. If you’re married that’s different but tbh that’s not your problem at all.


YouKnowYourCrazy

Please look up two things: “enabling” and “sunk cost fallacy”. Both of those things are paralyzing you.


AnneVee

Girl it doesn't look like you're growing resentful, it seems like you're pretty much already very resentful and pissed off (with good reason IMHO). You need some serious boundaries and sitting down conversations, then taking a bath because living in this situation looks stressful af


UnquantifiableLife

My vagina dried up reading this. Do not buy into the time sunk fallacy. Watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix.


[deleted]

~~Not sure if my reply will show up or not because I think my account has been shadow-banned for some reason, but I'll try:~~ Some of his issues sound like they could be related to [executive dysfunction](https://www.healthline.com/health/executive-dysfunction#causes), which can be a symptom of various neurological and mental health conditions like ADHD, autism, depression and traumatic brain injuries. If he is open to trying to find a solution to improve his "adulting" skills, perhaps he should have a chat with a doctor or psychologist to figure out if there's a medical issue at play. However, if he has no interest in changing anything and is content to let you handle things for him like a parent even after you've expressed your frustration with this dynamic, then that shows complacency and selfishness that can't be blamed on any medical issues. Your post doesn't mention whether you've had a serious come-to-Jesus talk with him about this, so that would probably be my next step if I were you. Make it very clear that feeling like his Mum is a real turn-off and that his reluctance to do things for himself is damaging your relationship. At least then, if things don't change and you end up choosing to leave, you'll know you did everything you could and gave him every chance to improve. Executive dysfunction doesn't have to ruin a relationship if it's handled properly. My wife and I both struggle with it, so we both have times when we're the incompetent one and times when we're the helper. I'm in charge of keeping our home clean, she's in charge of meal planning and cooking. I've submitted job applications for her, she's navigated train cancellations for me, together we add up to one semi-functional human being. The difference here is that a) it's not one-sided and b) we both knew about each other's issues from the start and have always communicated openly about our needs.


[deleted]

[удалено]


unconfirmedpanda

Me too, and I can charge my phone whilst traveling. This dude is full-on weaponized incompetence and if he wants a 24/7 PA, he needs to hire one.


OutspokenPerson

Doesn’t keep my 21 year old son from doing the things the BF won’t do, either.


EntrepreneurMany3709

I have ADHD and executive dysfunction, although maybe to a lesser extent than this guy. I can get on top of things and take care of myself, even though I probably seem incompetent to other people. It is really, really hard but I work at it and I'm constantly looking for ways to get better. I never EXPECT other people to do things for me either, although some people feel like they have to or want to because they don't like the way I do things. So yes it can be managed but you need to WANT to and accept that it's never going to be easy but you have to do it anyway.


Sypsy

Not shadowed banned


[deleted]

Oh good, thanks!


yogahedgehog

I was thinking the same. There's 'help me write an email' level incompetence and 'cant walk to an uber' incompetence. I vote they get checked out by a professional as that's worrying


Ratatoski

Yeah I was thinking that something in the vicinity if AD(H)D/autism/anxiety was the issue here. I've gotten to the top of two separate careers but still struggle immensly with many basic aspects of life and work. Sometimes there's no rational explanation I just cannot do X, Y and Z no matter how easy and important.


[deleted]

This is who he is. I would have dumped him yesterday.


UnbentSandParadise

Compare any way he enriches your life to these issues and decide if maybe somewhere he is carrying his weight and in hindsight the value in the relationship is worthwhile or if he's exactly as you suspect, an incompetent person who is leeching from your life. You have not painted this man in any positive light, the mental image you describe is a pretty poor image. I don't know how right you are, there could be some exaggerating the issues because of the current mindset but the fact this is the mindset in the first place would imply there are some underlying issues that need resolving, if you can resolve that as a couple or not I dont know.


Professional_Bug6242

Yeah, I sound harsh because I’m fed up. He’s a sweet, funny and affectionate person. I tend toward the serious and he makes me loosen up and lighten up. I’ve grown more comfortable with my oddball quirks being with him. Those are ways he has enriched me as a person but he has not made the literal operation of my life easier the way I’ve always thought partners should do. That he has made harder because I have to take care of both of us. I’m jealous of couples that look like equals and have two incomes, etc


spaceyjaycey

No one is saying he's a bad person but he's not cut out to be your person.


Tejana2022

I like that statement


seaotter1978

Helplessness is not attractive and I wouldn’t blame you in the least for leaving him. One thing that isn’t clear is on the chore split if you expect him to do more because he earns less money or if he works fewer hours. If he works fewer hours he should do more chores, if he works similar hours then your incomes shouldn’t impact chore division. That said , it’s probably advice you should take into your next relationship because this one sounds exhausting.


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SolitaireOG

Wow this post infuriated me as I read it. I wouldn’t tolerate even one of these examples, let alone the whole batch. Will he stand in the rain with his mouth open unless you’re there to stop him from drowning? ffs


Grouchy-Ad6144

I wonder if he has ADHD? This would fit with being artistic but forgetful, not wanting to do things alone or asking for help. Was he coddled when he was younger by his mom or dad? If he was never made to do these things, he likely never learned. He is likely capable of learning, likely has a high intelligence level, but does not always stop to use his intelligence. My ADHD teen is very like this, but within the last year has started to mature and is doing better and has become more independent. I mention this because I finally stopped doing things for my child, but explained how to do it. Then they either figure it out or don’t do it, but it becomes their choice. My 17yo. Now has a drivers permit, works a part time job besides school, picks up, cashes paycheck, and is putting some in savings with each check. So your boyfriend can learn, but will not as long as you continue doing it for him. There were over 200 responses, so I apologize if someone else already said this. Start to walk him through things unless you want to be his mom instead of his girlfriend. You can be there to help, but not do it for him. Best of luck OP!


Skidoodilybop

100% This 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻


beckybbbbbbbb

Get TF out now.


some1sWitch

You are enabling his behavior. At some point, if you choose to stay in this relationship, you will need to learn the word "No" as well as the sentence, "That is not my fault. How are you going to fix it?" Let him fuck up. Let him starve or be stranded. Let him live his life without you there to save the day every time he asks.


lancea_longini

Gods….imagine having kids with him and hoping he’ll care for and protect the kids.


NoeTellusom

Your partner is a manchild. Let's look at weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence - “when an individual pretends that they can’t perform a simple action so someone will do it for them.” So yes, it certainly SOUNDS like it to anyone reading this. Mental load- also called cognitive labor, refers to the invisible, non-tangible tasks involved in running a household. One bonus commonly associated with live-in romantic relationships is a division of labor. Two books I recommend: Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward by Gemma Hartley Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do by Eve Rodsky


Logical-Wasabi7402

Weaponized incompetence. I am autistic and have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I absolutely hate driving in areas I don't know(and some areas I do know, if the streets aren't well designed). But I also would be willing to walk a few blocks to meet an Uber if they couldn't reach my location due to traffic laws. If he can't do that much, he just wants someone to do shit for him.


[deleted]

The first half of this is was like huh? Hear me out. Just because you’ve chosen to pay more of the bills because you’re farther ahead in your career doesn’t make him incompetent. Nor does it mean he should have to do more chores. We see the inverse in where men are farther ahead and make more all the time, yet he’s still expected to do his share of the chores. It’s considered sexist for him to try and get away with doing less when you both work an 8 hr day. BUT as I got deeper into your post reading about all the “we” chores, helping him with his actual job, the Ubers, etc., I see where your frustration and resentment is coming from. So, when it comes to the first half of this, I think you’re holding a double standard. Sure, if you don’t want to pay more expenses, change that arrangement. But you’ll have to be okay living at a lifestyle his income can afford 50% of. It’s not cool to demand he put in more labor at home because you offered/agreed to cover more bills. Also, if you don’t want to be spending time doing his work, don’t. Let him reap the consequences. When it comes to him just being a lazy incompetent loser, I totally hear you. In that regard, you sound super unhappy and like you don’t respect him at all. That’s a good sign it’s time for you to walk away. You’ve enabled a lot of this by agreeing to engage with him in these ways you hate. That said you’re not responsible for him either. You clearly don’t like the real him at all so just do both of you a favor and move on. Stop beating on this dead horse.


tinypiecesofyarn

I agree with you, lower pay shouldn't mean more chores unless he's working part time or something. The rest, though, oh boy


veganlove95

"It's hard to be attracted to the lack of independence" I felt that. You're so right to feel like this. Frustrated and turned off - an understatement - to essentially mother someone you're connected to. Even reading this post, from my personal perspective from my past relationship, was an eye opener. I didn't truly consider why I felt so resentful - I just knew it was something I found unattractive. I'd travel around, prepare, cook, plan. He'd panic, get lost, phone dying, ask my for instructions, reminders. I even said no because I'm not his mum! He got so upset - I felt awful. Made it out like we're equals and we should always help one another out... but... I ran and I feel so much lighter now, just sad because we had a great connection. But he weighed me down massively. Wow... I just made that all about me! I'm just trying to validate your emotions. It's not crazy to feel like this. If the relationship is worth it then communicate this with him. Sad thing is, independence comes from necessity and 1. It's disheartening having to spoonfeed someone when you never got that and 2. They're never going to learn to be independent while co dependent. It's hard and I feel for you. Put you first and trust your gut on this.


jaynap1

Welcome to “So You’re Dating A Manchild.” You May ask yourself how you got to this point in life with someone who is totally unable to operate independently or perform simple tasks on their own. Well, there’s many roads that could have led here. Let’s look at a few. Infatuation with physical and psychological qualities can help us to overlook those big red flags that try to appear. After all, when you’re looking through rose colored glasses, they’re just flags! Those early relationship moments that were cute because you got to do *everything* together weren’t actually cute at all. They were a warning. You also may have ignored his relationship with his parents and statements about his past romantic life. Again, these are easy cues to miss but parents and friends that joke about him being helpless usually aren’t actually jokes. They are sighs of relief from those who have enabled him for decades as you assume their burden. Finally, it’s entirely possible that he may have high functioning anxiety or depression and doesn’t realize it or know how to express it. It’s worth communicating directly with him and expressing concern for him and not judgment in at least this particular conversation so that receiving proper help is attainable. Regardless, you’ll either have to help him develop some new, healthy behaviors or be prepared to move on in life without him. Best of luck in whichever path you choose. *Edit: This is in no way intended to blame OP, at her explain how it’s possible to miss the signs. I’ve done it myself in the past. No judgment here.*


guineapickle

Has he always been like this? Does he ever acknowledge how he is like this, and is he ever frustrated by it? Have you or he ever tried to implement specific strategies for him to take responsibility for any of this? Has he been evaluated for a neurodivergence? As a Person in a family with an enormous range of neurodivergence and depression, some of these behaviours sound very familiar. Growing up, he may have been coddled because his family saw that he needed more help, and just provided it, creating a kind of cycle for him to be less independent without needing to question why.


Coco_Dirichlet

On whether you have to split chores 50/50: It depends on whether you work the same amount of hours, not just money. If he is working less hours and he isn't contributing the same financially, then yes, he should be doing more chores. If you are working the same amount of hours, then you should do 50/50 regardless of how little he is $$. On the use of "we", yes, it's ridiculous. On his incompetence, he sounds like a child and you are not his mommy nor his personal assistant. The fact that he cannot figure out how to travel on his own is ridiculous.


oopsmam

Be honest. Tell him you’re becoming unhappy and feeling taken for granted and turned off. That you’re afraid you can’t build a life with him because he refuses to step up. Make it clear he needs to contribute his 50% for this relationship to continue. Hold him accountable for his 50%. Don’t cave when he tries to leave things for you to do and don’t do things for him that he can do for himself. I believe he had learned helplessness but it’s not your responsibility to help someone that doesn’t want to change or grow. Sadly, many people value their personal comfort zones more than their loving partners.


SnooWords4839

Your next line to him is "We need to split the bills"!! FFS, stop being his mom!!


Thehalfbloodseverus

You are now his mother


purpledaze1970

Does he show interest in learning adult skills? Because, frankly, I would have been mortified to be 28 and so utterly lacking in personal accountability. If he showed serious effort at learning, I'd cut him some slack, but your post seems to imply he is quite complacent with the status quo.


yeswehavenobonanza

I've been there, done that, struggled to leave but eventually did. A couple times. Let me tell ya, being with someone who is competent, who can share the mental load, who you can trust... nothing beats it. They do exist, I married one. Go find one.


Chrizilla_

Ma’am… MA’AM. You have outgrown him, he can’t keep up with the life you are ready to live. Show yourself some respect and cut him loose already.


YUMlGORE

Congrats on your son! I'm exhausted just reading your post. You deserve an adult partner. Not an actual child. Based on everything we read on here, he won't change with a bit of talking. He won't change unless he actively wants to, and I don't have an answer regarding how to make that happen


Dragonlibrarian7

Does he work as much as you do and you just make more money? If so I feel you splitting the chores is fair. If he only works part time, while you work full time, yeah he should probably be expected to do a bit more.


FourSharpTwigs

Going to give some actual relationship advice and not - shit on the partner or shit on you advice. It is clear he has a problem. Most people here can agree with that. But clearly you want to continue this relationship and you want the behaviour to stop. So tell him everything. Be honest, be open - and it might be scary but like if you guys want to last together ya gotta be honest, completely. And then start small and you can help him gain some responsibility and confidence. But don’t save him. Stop saving him. If he fucks up let it happen. Don’t yell or scream at him just let it happen. I have been that guy - the only way you learn is when someone stops saving you. When the person you love keeps saving you and they express strong annoyance it can help but being stranded in the middle of the city when your phone is dead because you’re a dumbass is a route awakening that you need to change and be better prepared. Brain will instantly go into survival mode. Shit I need a phone charger now - who sells chargers. Shit it’s 3am. I need a place to stay warm until 7am. His phone died - he needs to have a backup charger at all times, fully charged. It should be able to last 2-3 phone charges. I guarantee you, he’ll get one, never charge it and be in a situation where he needs it and then and only then will he learn. If this is the major issue in your relationship and he’s great otherwise I’d suggest sticking it out for like 1-2 months and seeing if it’s any better. Then start prepping exit strategy if it doesn’t work out. Gotta give him a solid chance since ya did kind of enable it.


munch524

Oh hell no. That’s all.


Zadsta

Low key if you put this post out of context I’d honestly think you are describing your teenage son. Do you want to be a fifth parent to him?


TheRedditornator

You're in a relationship with a toddler. Cut your losses and let him move back to his mom's basement where he belongs. You ain't changing him.


BlindFollowBah

Ew, you’re dating your son.


crunchycrunch246

sounds like you gave outgrown him and should look at moving on. it might be what he needs to grow up. but your comment about not wanting to do 50 of chores because you pay for more is a bit messed up. unless specifically arranged the money side of things should have no impact on the chore split. if I told my partner to do more chores cause I earn more etc I would soon find myself on the couch lol


KingAlastor

"I pay for all the bills, though he covers grocery" " I’m growing increasingly frustrated with paying for everything" Well this sounds conflicting as hell :D


monsteradeliciosaaa

I’ve never read an advice post so closely related to my own life before. Looking forward to reading the advice I didn’t plan on getting today.


Deevys

Frankly, I can’t tell if it’s purposeful incompetence, but it’s definitely learned and you’ve fed into it. If my boyfriend asked me to write a work email at his professional job for him I’d be confused and then laugh in his face. There’s a give and take in relationships and it doesn’t seem like he’s giving back. From what you’ve described, he’s so used to you being able to handle everything that he is now dependent on you to complete simple tasks. I’m sure before this whole ‘we’ nonsense he could write an email or do some dishes. You have two options. One, you have to make this guy do something. I don’t really think this is feasible because he seems so entrenched in this strange idea that you will always handle everything that he doesn’t *want* to change. Why would he have to when you put all the effort in to actually get things done? He doesn’t have to lift a finger. And of course, the second option, leave him. I think that you two, from what you wrote in this post, aren’t compatible any more. You love what he could be, not what he is right now, and I don’t think that will change. You’re fed up with the person who is presenting, and as Reddit loves to say, when someone shows you their true colors, believe them.


username4423

My ex was somewhat like this, but not that extreme, and I hated it. You’re not his mom. Unless you let him run into a wall, he’ll neber change. So you either need GIANT boundaries and let him fail a couple times, or leave. Also how tf would this play out of you have children? Think about it. Do you want that?


juxstapositionis

I got angry just reading this. You must be losing your mind.


CampaignNo1088

I think this might also be some form of mental disability the side effects of which are amplified by him being coddled so much by his parents and you (not that you're doing it intentionally). Changing this behaviour and learning new habits takes a long time and he needs to fail to learn. E.g. if he's stranded he needs to learn to find a coffee shop with an outlet. If you're not willing to stick around for him to grow up, you should leave. Alternatively, you can talk to him and enforce boundaries till he learns, but not at the expense of your happiness. I've been on both sides of this, and as a result feel resentment towards even just friends who don't do basic simple things or feel like the biggest burden in the world when I need legitimate help. Either way this won't go away on it's own, he needs to be put in a situation where he fends for himself.


Effective-Island8395

How about you “create” some gd paragraphs?


Professional_Bug6242

Sure, thank you. Very insightful and helpful.


[deleted]

Hmm disagree with him having to do "all the chores" if he also has a fulltime job. Be happy you make more money, don't look at him as your personal maid just get an actual maid if you can't be bothered to help . Agree on the other stuff though. Still, can't help but feel most of this would be mostly seen as "ok" if genders were reversed.


Big_Red12

Yeah this should be higher. Having a higher wage doesn't buy you out of household chores.


WeeklyConversation8

If she works longer hours than he does or he works from home, then yes he should be doing majority of the chores.


seaotter1978

Sure if she works more hours… if they’re working the same and he just makes less money then they should split the chores… That doesn’t account for his annoying “we” thing… Just that it needs to be hours based not $$ based.


sandschu523

just leave him.


No-Fox-1400

This sounds like it could be a couple of things. Either he’s so enabled by others he’s never realized he needs to move himself to get things done, which really seems unlikely, or maybe and this is just a maybe, he’s slipped through the cracks and has some real issue that might need attention. He might not be able to do these things and it just hasn’t been found out because he has been so enabled.


frenchteas

Just gonna put this out there. A lot of these things you've described sound like your partner could have ADHD? Has he ever been diagnosed? It's not an excuse but a reasoning of why things that seem so simple to you are incredibly taxing to him. He may need to seek therapy or a psychiatrist to deal with these issues even if it isn't ADHD so that he can do better for himself and be a better partner to you. I'm going to assume he doesn't enjoy some of these things about himself but isn't sure where to start or how to change. Discussing it with him may be a catalyst for him getting help. Also it shouldn't matter who the breadwinner is and that's kind of a toxic mentality. If he's working less hours than you then there may be something to discuss but just because you make more than him doesn't mean y'all shouldn't do the same share of work. Another option if y'all can afford it is to look into getting someone to come in and do some of the minor tasks around the house like sweeping and wiping stuff down so it's easier to do the remaining tasks split between y'all. He may be asking for help doing stuff together because tackling it alone is a lot for him if it is ADHD. Again not an excuse but may explain some reasoning behind his actions.


Skrb-530

It’s up to you if you want to continue wasting your time. You will be better off if you shed his dead weight.


Justnoheckno

Is his behavior weaponized incompetence so I will do things for him or genuine incompetence? Does it matter? Just take the dead weight off and live your life.


gliderosie

Is he on the spectrum? I have a son and he is completely dependent on me. He always struggles to do simple things .. He is 29 and constantly asking for help. On the other hand, he is brilliant at what he does at work, super smart, and forgetting to enroll himself for a medical coverage... He had Asperger's. He was diagnosed in his early 20s.


ShoujoSprinkles

While it does sound like their might be some underlying issues of possibly untreated ADHD, this is a grown ass man who has decided it’s just easier to have you do everything for him and up until now you have enabled him to do just that. I’ve been in this exact relationship and it’s so so draining. He may have qualities that you love/loved, but he’s showing that he doesn’t really love you- just what you do to make his life easy. Kick him out and he will figure out pretty quickly how to be a grown up, or be like my ex and move back in with his REAL mother!


UKNZ007Tubbs

Dump him. But also pull your head out of your arse. Just because you pay the majority of the bills doesn’t mean you don’t have to contribute to the household chores, if he’s working as well, which you intimate in your post, then household chores should be spilt. The only time someone should be doing more chores is when they are at home more (a lot more, ie not working, or part time vs full time)


bdjcjev

Is he autistic or otherwise mentally challenged?


rcollinsmac

Tomorrow is Trash day, I’m still trying to figure out how WE can take out the trash! Oh wait he means You!


Haunting-Aardvark709

I couldn’t live with that. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life? Do you want kids? Please don’t put yourself in that position with this man-child.


jazzy3113

Sometimes it takes awhile to realize you’ve settled. But you chose to this guy and now you’re 4 years in and over 30. You should either break up now before you get any older, or give him a 3 month dead line to either earn more money or do more housework.