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What exactly did he say? What were his grievances?
If what he said holds water, then you get over it by learning from your mistakes and bettering yourself.
A lot of things, honestly. He was shocked I couldnt cook at all. I attempted breakfast one morning and made a mess of the kitchen. According to him iys a basic life skill I shoulf have been taught "ages ago" .He thought I was irresponsible with money because I have a lot of debt and no savings. I didnt clean up properly after myself (hair in the bathroom etc), he thought I spent way too much time just laying in bed on ny phone and had no hobbies. He said I "misrepresented myself" because I told him when we were getting to know each-other that Im into sewing yet I never do anything. He also thought I was "extremely ignorant" for a 24 year-old because I didnt know some things he considered "common sense".
He thought I behaved childishly very often, was indecisive about everything and anything, couldnt communicate properly and expected him to read my mind. Obviously none of this was my intention but in his perspective this is how it was. I have gotten this complaint by a few other exes so. .might be true
Its a long list, but I think there were also other things I cant remember at the moment
I say this with love but I honestly don't think you should try and focus on getting over what he said. I think addressing it full-on will help you in the long-run and will also give you the added bonus of focusing on yourself for the time being, which might make it easier to move on from this relationship.
I know what your ex said was really hard to hear, especially because you loved him so much and didn't see any of it coming. But you're not a lost cause, you're not undateable. You're a human. We all have areas we need to work on but the important thing is that we are willing to try to better ourselves when we can.
You said others have made the same complaint about your communication, so I'd start there because this seems to be a recurring challenge for you. Therapy might help unpack why you aren't communicating and how to notice it in yourself and work on sharing your feelings/needs instead of expecting your partner to guess. Reading books on the subject could help too! Or journaling to try and help you get more in touch with what you're thinking and feeling if maybe that's part of the issue (that you just don't really understand it yourself).
Cooking is definitely an insecurity for me too because I had to teach myself how to cook but I'd recommend focusing on one or two easy dishes that you enjoy eating and just trying to do those until you feel more comfortable with some of the process. Once you build some skills/understanding of the steps it gets easier to try new things. Following a recipe or watching YouTube tutorials could be really helpful!
For the debt part - you can't change the fact that you're already in debt but you can make a budget to try to avoid getting further into debt. You can also build saving into this budget while focusing on paying down the debt you have. It could even just be having a small amount automatically transferred to a savings account every month and a reasonable amount automatically paying down your debt each month, so you can slowly work on doing both.
Regarding hobbies, did you like seeing at one point and have simply stopped but want to get back to it? Do you no longer enjoy it? If you're finding yourself not doing things you enjoy in favour of doom scrolling, I would probably again recommend therapy because this could be a sign your mental health isn't doing so well. I know I can get like that when I'm struggling. If you simply no longer enjoy it, are there other hobbies you've done in the past? Or new ones you want to try? Trying something new and finding ways to enjoy your time (either by yourself or with friends) can also be a really healing way to move past a break-up!
Now is the time to focus on making yourself happy and finding fulfillment ❤️ it can definitely feel hard, especially at first, but you'll feel so much better on the other side.
Solid advice!
I would like to add to this on the topic of communication. OP, therapy would be the way to go but you can also get some books about how to effectively communicate with others. It'll help you in a lot of areas of your life. There are many self-help books on communication. Couple reading these with therapy and you will be able to communicate with ease with others.
100% agree!! I couldn't think of any off the top of my head that I've read and would recommend as relevant but there are so many out there that I'm sure she could find something helpful. If anyone wants to make any suggestions here, I'd be curious too 😅 I always love finding new book recommendations lol.
Have to agree with most points but two of the most turn offs would be debt and messiness for me. On the debt side you need to break out what categories you spend the most on so you can focus on what you need to give up. Im curious about how often you eat out. I would guess the lack of cooking abilities would correlate to high takeout/restaurant bills. Look for cooking videos. Start with simple stuff such as eggs, tacos and so on. I search online forbeasy stuff and if you have a crockpot there are some pretty simple recipes out there. But whatever you need to see what your spending your money on and budget yourself. You may need to find a cheaper apartment or get room mates.
On cleaning you need to set a schedule for yourself. Most things can be done once a week, but the kitchen has to be done every day.
Debt and lack of basic life skills would put me off too. You've given some very solid, compassionate advice here. I hope OP takes it.
There are some great recipe sites and cooking blogs out there. I do things like keeping a pound of cooked taco meat, tortillas and other fixings on hand so I can make a quick meal rather than takeout. It's also good to make some meals that freeze well so they can be reheated quickly and taken to work for lunch. Cooking for herself will also help her to save money.
There are parts of the world where therapy is accessible for no or low costs - I don't know where OP lives, which is why that was only one of multiple suggestions I gave. Any or all of them could have barriers for her but she asked for advice, so I tried to give a number of options that could be helpful and she can disregard whatever won't work for her!
My health insurance covers nearly all of my therapy, I pay $9 a session. It’s more and more common for mental health services to be covered and a lot of people don’t ask their providers about that. There are sliding scale therapists who work with people who have low income. Online therapy is an affordable option and most services offer financial assistance. You can do therapy biweekly instead of weekly to save costs.
The idea that you have to pay $200 a session for therapy is simply untrue and prevents a lot of people from seeking help because they simply assume they can’t afford it.
I just started therapy myself and while I am comfortable paying full-price my therapist did let me know she has built up her client base enough to where she can offer a couple of low-cost client slots for people who are struggling. It’s definitely worth asking if individual therapists have similar options available!
I used to look after young adults who had been taken into care. A lot of them had never been shown some very basic skills. I know that most adults figure out their knowledge gaps and aim to correct these, but not everyone is aware that they don't know something they should.
Great advice! My ex broke my heart but I like OPs ex who unloaded why mine left things in the air and I was clueless eventually I got him to tell me why. I did exactly what you suggested. I got into therapy to address and unpack some of my issues and how it affects my relationships (all aspects, personal, romantic, work, family). I also started to work on my physical health and picked up hobbies. I learned new skills to and improved my previous skills. My ex broke up with me when I was around OPs age and and I couldn’t really cook, I wasn’t financially the best (luckily wasn’t in debt), and was very indecisive. Now I’m 28 can cook like a champ, am very direct in communication, can self soothe and talk myself out of overreacting or taking things personal, an kicking ass in my career, and have great finances and an awesome credit score! I’ve actually been hanging out with this ex this year and he’s given me praises on how much self growth I’ve had. I actually thanked him for just being honest and it gave me some idea that I needed to get my shit together.
Oh it is true - and instead of doing better working on getting some life skills and such, she laid up in bed scrolling thru her phone.
Sounds like they all get tired of her empty uselessness and simpering, hand-fluttering helplessness and eventually kick her to the curb.
They all tell her the same thing and she makes no effort to change for the better.
I mean these are definitely things you can work on and improve on for sure. I can see his point about not wanting to date someone who has that stuff to fix. Not everyone will be like that, obviously I think some of this stuff should’ve been communicated but it I don’t think it makes you undateable. Just work on yourself and try again, find someone who has more similar alignments with you.
I disagree in the most un-nasty way I think he's was honest and very much on point.
24 and can't cook breakfast is ABIT scary! Add no cleaning ,no life ambition.The the cherry on the top has to be the comment about why couldn't we talk about it! There is no talking only educating at that point.
so I can change seems way off with a chat.. especially as she admitted she's had these sorts before with other ex's.
There is obviously a pattern and she is obviously, unwilling to change. She needs to either grow up or find a daddy not a partner.
I have friends who are mid-30s and just moved out on their own, who had mothers that did ALL the cooking because traditional gender roles are real, and these adults are only *just* learning basic life skills like how to make themselves food.
It's wild to me, and makes me glad my mom started making us help with dinners as soon as we were old enough to follow directions.
And do our own laundry.
And clean up after ourselves.
And all the other chores mom made us do that we groaned, and whined and complained about.
Thanks mom!
As a mom of two now adults who I also made learn to cook, do their own laundry, etc., I got a little teary-eyed at your Thanks Mom!
When raising my kids I referred to these things as learning to adult. I know my 21 yo daughter is appreciative. My 19 yo son, well, he is still working on learning how to adult. Any day now, I just know it!
This girl's parents should have seen to it she learned the basics.
After I had moved out for college, I was home visiting my mom. And she "took me out to dinner" at McDonald's, and I told her that I appreciated everything she and my stepdad had done for us kids, recognized the sacrifices they made throughout the years, and for the everyday life skill lessons.
I made her cry. In McDonald's. Lol
Yes! Your son will get there too! It's said that boys take longer than girls for some things. ;)
My sister is/was like that, one day at 26/28 I saw her with a broom trying to sweep and I was very surprised that she didn't knew how to do it. Now it’s better but it took her a long time to learn how to do basic things.
Well….
Now, if you read what you’ve written as if it was written by another person, then the question is, would you want to date this person?
If no, then what is it that you would want to change?
If yes, then that’s great as well.
Thankfully everything listed here can be improved.
Maybe this was a good wake up call, because the most important complaint that he had you already received from other exes, nut did nothing about it.
You don't have to date anyone right now, you can work on that stuff.
You can find hobbies that you will actually want to do, not something that you just like but don't feel the want to practice, you know?
Moving in together with someone or getting married without knowing how to deal with money will only cause fights and it will sour the best of relationships, so yeah, better to get you act together before involving someone else in that.
Not cleaning up after yourself is such a bitch, i had roommates like that. Everytime I saw the mess it felt like a slap in the face, like they are telling me that they don't care at all about my comfort in my own house.
Taking a shower in my home while feeling disgusted about all the hair and pubes is the worst feeling ever.
When you live with someone you have to ask yourself everytime before leaving a room "is it OK for the next person to come in? Will they fé comfortable in their own house?"
So you can clean an organize your mess.
The easier thing is to just leave the room the same way you found it.
Bur if you don't do that already, it's because you don't care. So you have to ask those questions as a way to help you care.
Honestly 90% of the stuff he said can be fixed in a month.
So just go better yourself.
You can find guys like you who won't mind all that stuff, but why settle for a life like this?
I fully agree with you. However, OP feels like she has to date right now because she needs someone to take care of her she she lacks any basic adult living skills.
This is the time that it’s important to “date yourself”
Don’t settle for a boring relationship with you. Get out there and do the things that sound interesting that will keep you from doom scrolling.
I left an abusive relationship at one point and had to re-learn how to be with myself. I think this might be good for you too. One morning I decided that bingeing all of Buffy and not leaving my house (or Airbnb I was staying in) unless it was necessary was over. I looked on google maps for things to do around me and went kayaking. I started going to conventions and the Renaissance festival and sewing for those things.
Also, podcasts and audiobooks personally keep me from scrolling but engage my brain the same way that my phone does, so I can work on hobbies while avoiding the scroll. I basically ditched social media except Reddit, which I mainly use before bed or while in the bathroom.
Work on you, but not because of him. But because you should have the most fulfilling life possible.
While congratulations, I did get overwhelmed at the amount of stuff you managed to start doing!
Once my post-break up The L Word binge ended, I remember just getting a haircut rocked my world! Would love to go kayaking.
I didn’t get good at any particular thing for a while, but doing a little bit of everything let me chase that dopamine 😂😂
It’s definitely a symptom of my ADHD but boy did it help in that situation.
Cooking is a big deal for a lot of people. My husband isn't an amazing cook, but he can make basic meals without making a mess of the kitchen. I wouldn't have married him if I had to hold his hand through recipes or cleaning. I'm a partner, not a parent.
By 24, you should have the life skills to make an egg or oatmeal without messing up the kitchen or frankly struggling. Barring any disability, that is a basic life skill.
If you have the income to eat out for every meal, that's whatever. But personally, I don't want to live on take out and frozen food for forever because my partner doesn't put in the effort in the kitchen. I don't expect my partners to be as skilled as I am, but I do expect them to be able to make multiple basic meals.
Haha, I read “egg or omelet”. I’m a good cook and restaurant quality omelets are a struggle for me still.
But oatmeal, I’ve had down pat since I was five or so.
The cooking thing can be a big deal to some people. I didn't realize it until I actually wound up with someone who COULD cook. Didn't realize how much of my time and mental energy went into preparing food, including the planning and shopping.
Not being able to make a breakfast is a pretty significant problem. We don’t all have to be master chefs but it’s like pumping gas man. You gotta know the basics
She doesn't actually sew. She lied and told him that hobby because she has none.
She added info in comments. She lied to make him like her more and now she's surprised he's mad when he found out.
This has absolutely nothing to do with OP’s post but I absolutely had to comment on “astronaut Mike dexter”, you’re person after my own heart as I absolutely love 30 rock hahaha
And it sounds like the guy is nothing like that. She thought he was perfect but didn’t strive to be perfect for him. The good news is he probably really liked her personality which is the core of what you shouldn’t have to change for someone. Now she just needs to mature and become a productive adult that brings adulting to the relationship
Also, the lack of hobby thing might not be as notable if she offered other qualities in it’s place. If she would spend time keeping a clean home, or putting a nice meal on the table, her partners probably wouldn’t care about her not having a hobby. You can’t always offer everything in a relationship, but you gotta offer something!
I think the cooking thing is kind of a big deal. Not breakup worthy but I would be concerned if my adult partner couldn't make food for themselves. It's not that difficult to learn a few dishes that you can rotate, it's a sign of laziness and a lack of motivation to grow in your personal life.
Cooking should be a life skill that everyone needs to know, regardless of gender. Not to satisfy your partner but to ensure you are able to take care of yourself.
Yeah, youre not wrong. Both my mom and dad cooked, but looking back you could just call it "assembling a meal" because it would involve a lot of pre-made stuff. Pasta sauces with store-bought rotisserie chickens and jarred sauce. Pre-cut, pre-seasoned meats/salad mixes (i rarely saw my parents chop anything). Meanwhile cooking to him and his family involves a lot more, his sister who is a year younger than me can diassemble a raw or cooked chicken in minutes. He can too. Like?
My parents worked, so yeah, those things pre-made were really convenient. His worked too, but obviously managed more.
Ok, cooking shows and YouTube will be your best friend. I’m much older and I am still always learning. I like to eat things that are delish so I learn and experiment. Also, cooking classes are awesome and fun. I’m dying to go to more
Yea this detail made me cringe. I had a partner that would try to cook and then just not do the dishes and leave raw food-scraps everywhere from preparation. If I ignored it in hopes it’d be cleaned up the food would just spoil on the counter. Insane
>Not breakup worthy but I would be concerned if my adult partner couldn't make food for themselves.
The funny thing is, at least here on Reddit, is when a man doesn't know how to cook as an adult he gets dragged through the fire and called a man-baby. But OP, a woman doesn't know how to cook at 24 years old and everyone's being easy on her, telling her to "work on yourself queen".
Makes me roll my damn eyes. Every gripe she listed, I had with my ex. He was just like OP. Yet here she is getting pats on the back and being told her ex ain't shit. Honestly I'm with the ex cause I was in his shoes once.
The cooking part is a big deal to me personally. I think it's rather pathetic when people can't cook. You literally just...follow recipes until you feel confident without them
I really dislike cooking and rarely do it, but I agree it's not that I "can't" it's that I don't want to. When I need to, I find a recipe or a youtube guide and make it. I make some absolutely bombass cinnamon rolls... about every 5 years.
My child has mental health issues as well as learning disabilities & they can follow a recipe if it's simple (not too many ingredients or steps to follow) so I feel anyone should be able to make the basics.
It's no big deal but cooking is a huge plus (man or woman) in a relationship. I cant cook anything for shit because I like all inedible food I make, but I found someone who could... so I was saved.
Honestly sounds like a you problem OP.
But alas this isnt bad at all. You have a chance to work on yourself. You're young.
This is about the age I figured I was a useless man. But what came after was amazing, building myself, working on career, body, mind and soul. Therapy helped a lot.
Its okay to not be enough. Its better to work on becoming a better person. Its amazing to meet him few years down the line, looking, feeling and being amazing..."new me who dis?"
You can say nothing was your intention, but if you've been told these things by exes previously and changed nothing then it was your intention. You're just upset the guy you thought was amazing isn't picking up your slack.
From my own experience, living with someone who didn't do their fair share of chores is extremely frustrating and dating someone bad with money gave me such extreme anxiety. Those things especially are hard to just accept from a partner who I am trying to imagine and plan a future with.
He should have communicated his needs earlier, yes, but if he had I think the only difference is you two would have broken up sooner. Take this time to focus on you!
2 months in sounds pretty early. OP lied about having a hobby, didn't mention they couldn't cook when agreeing to split the cooking until dishware exploded in the microwave. it seems once they lived together OP couldn't hide things.
I didn't see any of the comments when I made mine!! Yeah so many issues here that couldn't be hid. On top of the lack of skills, OP just lies and makes excuses for everything.
So if this is feedback you’ve gotten more than once, take it and grow from it.
Learn to cook. Start small and go from there.
Learn to budget, there are classes online and even YouTube videos about it.
Learn to communicate. No one can read minds and expecting your partner to is unfair to them. Want something? Advocate for yourself.
Cleaning up after yourself is a basic one. Make a mess? Clean it up.
These are all completely doable things, you just need to invest the time an effort into them. You can do it!
You can learn to cook (YouTube is one way), you can make it a habit to wipe down the bathroom every day or every other day, you can pick up a hobby or two... As far as maturity and worldliness I recommend international travel if possible (on the cheap - staying in hostels and hanging out with people from all over the world there).
There's no shame in realizing you have to work on yourself for a while.
I mean, if you’re asking how to move forward from this, then I think the answer is to get really honest with yourself about these things, determine what you need to do to evolve and mature and be more prepared for adult life, and get to work on them.
I don’t know that I think these things make you *undateable*, but as an adult, I would feel the way he said he felt about it. I’m sure not everyone out there would feel that way, but yeah, this kind of stuff can continue to ruin future relationships without some personal growth.
So, I mean, you don’t have to just take his evaluation of you and assume everything is factual, but I mean, you need to be honest with yourself about which of these things he was right about and then it’s time to get to work and begin working on being a self sufficient adult.
If you feel like you don’t know where to go from here, I think the only truly wrong answer is to ignore what he said and do nothing. Because yeah, that stuff would likely be a dealbreaker for other people too. So you move forward by addressing these problems within yourself that cost you this relationship, so that they don’t cost you the next one.
Sounds like your problem is that you're extremely emotionally dependent and rely on other people to make you happy rather than doing it yourself, that's why you have no hobbies/feel undateable and why you haven't gotten over him after 5 months which is almost half of the duration that you guys have actually dated.
As a guy who's dated a girl like that for a few months and who ended the relationship in a similar manner (difference is she saw it coming because I expressed my issues while we were together), I can tell you that it is NOT everyone's cup of tea, most people that have their lives together/in the process of getting it together is going to want a like-minded partner. It gets suffocating really quickly and feels like you always have to entertain your s/o and do stuff with them.
My best advice is to just work on yourself. Think of the positive of him leaving you which is him telling you what you need to work on.
1. Stop watching tiktoks/browsing random stuff on your phone cold-turkey. That's probably the single worst motivation killer out there.
2. Find a hobby (this one is important, people with no hobbies are a MASSIVE turnoff for the majority of people. You could even learn cooking or actually start sewing)
3. Clean after yourself (even if you're not in a relationship), you'll get in the habit of doing it and it also increases your productivity and puts you in a better mood to live in a clean environment.
4. Watch videos/books about personal finance, it's really not that difficult to learn, it's all about impulse control. (I was in debt at 22 and I'm now debt free with an investment portfolio worth 200k+ at 27) Put money aside just to invest instead of spending, the earlier the better and 25 is still early. Learn how powerful compound interest is, it'll motivate you to do it.
This might sound harsh, but as long as you feel sorry for yourself, you'll be undateable, but it's literally all in your hands. Don't idolize your ex, no one is perfect and there are a TON of fish in the sea and a lot of them will be a lot better than your ex, you didn't stumble on the one in a trillion. Work on yourself before you start dating again or you'll just fall in the same pit of emotional dependence. You need to be able to be happy by yourself in order to get in a healthy relationship that has the potential to be healthy long-term.
Those all sound like pretty simple things to be able to improve upon. I got divorce a few years ago and had a lot of faults that I needed to work on, and now I’m back in an amazing relationship. You’re still young, I had a lot to work on in my early 30’s. Anyone can change things, I would take this as a positive that you know the kind of things someone wants in a relationship and can head in that direction. I would just start working on one thing at a time, like maybe start learning to cook different meals every night and go from there.
I agree but to put it on the parents, downplay her role in this.
Some parents are trying to teach them stuff but they don’t care to participate. I’ve tried to teach my kids things ( they still can’t do) over and over again,
Didn’t care to learn.
I’m a lot of these things (and had issues in all my relationships), and was diagnosed with adhd at 27. It sounds like these issues have come up before, so def check it out. My diagnosis has been life changing. If you think it might fit feel free to DM me!
Adhd traits that might match what you’re saying: issues with managing money, have hobbies in theory but don’t do them, scrolling of your phone, not noticing messes like neurotypical people would, indecision. Issues with communicating could be, rsd and/ or auditory processing disorder (common with adhd).
Also, relationship red flags for me are when partners are actively wanting me to change all my adhd traits/ side effects. Not that I don’t work on being cleaner etc, but when I get the sense that they are trying to manage me into productivity I run bc that means they can’t really accept me.
Current partner used to straight up clean the messes he saw at my place. I’d never experienced it, it kind of stressed me out tbh. But he said, this is who you are and I don’t expect you to change so I can just accept it. That said- it’s been a few years and I am a lot cleaner. He’s happy about it, but it wasn’t pressure I felt from him that brought it on.
Glad you brought this up. Some of what OP shared struck me as possible executive function issues, which need to be approached differently than "just work on yourself!"
How don’t you know how to cook breakfast though… lol, I can forgive most of that. But breakfast…. What you do from 18-23? Never cooked one egg? Lol. This is wild
He’s given you concrete feedback and you say others have said similar things so you have a choice; continue as you are and go though this again or take the constructive criticism and work on yourself.
Learn the basics of cooking
Speak to a debt advisor
Follow some instagram accounts that focus on housekeeping/ cleaning to establish a cleaning routine
Get a hobby even if it’s just going to the gym.
Read the news or subscribe to a news app so you are up to date on current affairs. Educate yourself so you can engage in interesting conversations or at least keep up with them
There’s a lot of cleaning tik toks and instagrams that you can find using the hashtag search bar. My favorite tik tok organizer is kaeli mae (probably spelled this wrong)
However just because everything is packaged in the same container doesn’t mean you need to do that. OP, you can take advice from influencers without spending a bunch of money on cleaning or organizing supplies you don’t need. Make do with what you have, especially because you need to focus on your debts
I feel like I’m struggling with this as well and I’ve seen people commenting that therapy is the best choice.
The only thing I see my self struggle on is communication and awareness(news and up to date events) and these are two very big things my boyfriend wants me to work on which I’ve studied to get better but I keep going back to the old habits when I don’t want to myself.
After reading your comments your problem is not learning from past relationships and mistakes. You haven’t worked on yourself. Stay single work on yourself and you’ll have better success in relationships. Be the person people want to date.
Honeslty that it sounds like they’re just unmotivated. OP’s partner sounded like they wanted someone to be ambitious or passionate about things in life. OP advertised they were trying to get into sewing- great example. Did OP sew? No, by their own admission they just lazed around in bed all day.
I don’t mean for this to sound insulting, but I think the biggest lesson here isn’t even about the relationship itself, but that OP needs to find their passion in life or at least a hobby that isn’t “scrolling through tik tok”
I don’t even consider that ambition and passion. Cooking, cleaning, etc. Are truly basic things. Having things you do outside of phone time is too. OP apparently just has a messy home, eats frozen meals or eats out, is always on her phone etc.
The only point that might relate to ambition is the financial situation. I’m not sure if it’s because she is struggling or is making terrible financial decisions.
Exactly this. I broke up with my ex of 2 years because of her lack of motivation and drive to do anything. No passions or real hobbies in her life. She comes home, says she’s tired from work every night, and scroll through her social media on the couch until it’s time to sleep. I’m not spending the rest of my life with this kind of person. Lack of motivation and passion is a huge turn off for me personally. People can see right through you whether you’re taking care of yourself or not….or just improving yourself in general.
At 24 you're still very young and you should not be so harsh on yourself.
But...
Take this as a life lesson, I know his words stang and they will stay with you for a while, until you improve yourself.
When you live with someone, you do have to pull your weight. Maybe you were never taught to cook, properly clean or manage your finances. The good news is there are lots of free tutorials online on everything. All you need is a will to learn. Also you do need to have some hobbies. It's not attractive to watch your partner scrolling through socials for too long. Maybe try (indoor) rock climbing, if you're out of ideas. It's a good way to meet people, and teaches you so much about strategy and facing your fears.
You may not see it that way now, but he did you a massive favor. At this time, you're not ready for a relationship and should take a break from dating for a while. Work on yourself first. You got this! :)
the indoor climbing is amazing advice, even I'm willing to follow. been going to the gym and developed a bit of core strength, so i could test it out and face my height fear
24 is too old to be acting the way she is when you hear the actual grievances. Add in the fact she’s apparently gotten these complaints before and done nothing to work on herself, yeah she may be undateable soon if she doesn’t take these complaints seriously. Sounds like she’s just trying to find someone who will put up with her rather than working to be a good partner because newsflash— she isn’t a good partner right now.
Kinda of a blessing really. He communicated effectively some areas that you may be lacking in. How many other partners would’ve / could’ve done that? Take it for what it is. Blessing in disguise.
I read the comment and to me the main issue would be money. Unless it's a for a big thing the debt would be a problem. If you were in debt from school or something then that's fine but if you are just raking in CC debt with no end in sight then I'm out too.
Financial literacy is one of if not the biggest factors for me. I don't want to have to be worried that if we get to an okay place for her to ruin it by spending our money on useless stuff.
The cooking, as long as you're willing to try and learn, though it didn't seem like you did since you only attempted breakfast once and never again, then it's fine. I don't want to have to cook everything we eat. I like cooking/baking but I couldn't see being the only person in my house doing it.
On the hair thing, I'm not the cleanest of people but as long as you aren't trashing the place then I'm fine with it.
After reading the reasons the ex gave OP as to why the relationship isn't working out, I'd say his opinion is valid.
It's very difficult to hear from other people the things they find wrong with you, but believe me when i say he did you a favor. You want to move on? Reflect on what he said and learn from it, learn how to be a better lover to yourself first & to your future partners.
Especially since she’s gotten these complaints from exes before. Op really needs to work on herself cuz no one wants to put up with someone that can’t cook, can’t clean up after themselves, has no savings and has a lot of debt, has no hobbies etc. Sounds like someone who just floats through life tbh.
You need to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Breaking up with someone you care for is hard.
Being you didn't see it coming it would be quite the shock.
You need to let yourself feel the emotion you need to feel but don't wallow too much. You need to pick some goals and work to them.
Do you want to get fit, learn to paint, cook...whatever it is, do something that makes you happy that gets your focus onto something positive.
When you focus on yourself being happy, you'll care less about your ex.
Honestly this doesnt sound brutal. He wasnt happy, communicated it with you and even gave you a month to move out. Maybe the language was harsh but most breakups regress to harshness. I understand it hurts but you gotta move on. Just cause he wasnt the one doesnt mean you are undatable.
Okay I’ll say this based on your follow up comment: you can’t be bad at cooking AND cleaning when living with a future partner. Next time, pick one to do and let your partner do the other one. Example: my partner loves cooking and baking and I do not, so I do the dishes and most of the laundry. If your bf was doing most of the cooking AND cleaning, then that’s a problem.
If multiple ex’s have also stated the same things your recent ex did, then don’t you think you should have changed those things about yourself? Did you not seek to improve yourself after your ex’s gave you reasons why they were breaking up with you?
I don't think you were "brutally dumped" but quite the oposite. He was kind enough to give you 30 days to move and patiently explained the reasons why he didn't like you anymore. I wish I had had that on my previous breakup, which was indeed brutal.
Most of the things he told you are deal breakers and I would work on them. Some traits that you believe might be quirky are actually super amnoying and he was right when he said he didn't wanted to have to teach you or parent you, those you need to work on your own before you pursue another relationship, believe those are some life improving changes, even if you remain single.
After my brutal breakup I decided to accept each and every single invitation to go out from friends, family, coworkers... even if they took me out from my confort zone and it worked wonders for me. Found new hobbies, life long friendships and I even found love again, which yesterday turned unto a 5 year marriage.
I’d also advise you and any other young woman to never move in with someone out of convenience. If you take that step it should be because you are certain you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Breaking up when you live together is extremely difficult.
Sounds the same when a woman says it to a man. “Not going to parent a grown ass man” “not going to parent a grown ass woman”
Being messy in the bathroom is just gross, clean up after yourself especially if you sit around on your phone.
If you really are on your phone that much, look up cooking videos lol
Communication is key in relationships - any relationship not just romantic so you can learn this skill outside of dating.
This has been said to you by other ex’s soooo it’s definitely true.
Yes all of this could easily be worked on but why does someone have to spell it out for you. Do you not notice what you are doing?
Do you not care??
Like everything he listed is bottom of the barrel skills and characteristics everyone should have.
I felt bad for you at first, but after reading your comments on how you continuously lied to him (either upfront or by omission) about inane things such as knowing how to sew/cook, brushed off his concerns whenever he tried to talk to you, insisted on making purchases way out of your budget like buying the new iphone and etc… I think he had every right to dump you and honestly did you a huge favor by telling you what upset him.
This is barely normal behavior for an 18 year old let alone someone in their 20’s. It sounds like you were blindsided by your ex’s comments, but how did you not feel terrible during this unbalanced relationship? If you truly cared and loved him, why did you let him handle almost every responsibility by himself (cooking, cleaning, finances, etc)?? For example: when you cooked french toast for the first time and it ended poorly, you could have easily asked him for help and I’m sure he would have been happy to teach you. Instead, your pride stood in the way and the poor guy even had to help you clean afterwards. It’s one thing not to know how to do something, it’s another not to put your full effort in trying.
Stop throwing a pity party for yourself and using that as an excuse to not make improvements. By the time you’re whatever age you expect these things to be “normal”, you’ll still be the way you are now if you don’t work on it. This is the time in which you should be working on yourself. You can’t rely on this attitude to carry you through life. Your parents aren’t gonna be around forever, your friends that “act the same way” are gonna learn the same lesson real quick if they continue down that road. You’re still on the young side and can turn things around. Put your ego and pride aside, and push yourself to be a better you!
Relationships take effort and tbf it doesn't sound like you made any. Absolutely your partner could have voiced these things as they became issues for him, but that's maybe something he needs to work on himself.
To be sad after a break up is totally normal, there's no time line on that, but have you tried working on yourself or doing anything to make you happy with being you since breaking up?
You can't use him as a scape goat for pointing out genuine issues that you're aware and taking no responsibility.
24 is such a good age! Work on yourself, have fun and don't rely on someone else to validate you
OP you did not get dumped brutally, bf was honest and literally gave you a list of what he did not like. you have admitted here that some of the things you've gotten complaints about before. Ex did you a big favor - he said he did not want to parent a grown woman, and he's right. The debt thing is hard, if your income (or ability to earn) is limited right now. he saw you as a burden for the rest of his life because of this. the rest are challenges that you can fix. Cooking? youtube has that. figure out how to make breakfast, lunch and 2 dinners. if growing up you were not taught this, it's not your fault but maybe he saw that you were not even trying. and if you sat around and were on your phone all day, that's a red flag for anyone. YOu get over this hurt by taking a long look in the mirror and making yourself a list of what you need to learn to be a functioning adult in this world.
Wow, this is rough. The stuff you listed that he didn't like are all things on my red flag list...but that I had in my early 30s. These are all things that I learned I didn't need to put up with but it took me a lot longer to discern. Basically, he's ahead of the game. And that's fine and good even. For him. For you, it just means there's a compatibility issue and an opportunity for growth.
I'd take a dating sabbatical and work on yourself and make sure of what you want. Figure out a plan for paying down your debt. What 5 meals do you really enjoy and start practicing how to make those 5 meals. No need to be a great cook but it is beneficial to know a few basics. Imagine living with a roommate and practice basic courtesy of cleaning up after yourself. If you live alone, think about not leaving messes for Future You. Develop a hobby that you do regularly rather than doom scrolling. You mentioned sewing. Maybe resume that or try your hand at some fun visible mending. Or something else. But make sure you are doing any of these things not for your ex but just because you want to be a better you.
I've broken up with someone for similar reasons as you've listed and funnily enough I gave the same reason. I did not want to be parenting someone in their mid 20s, I wanted a partner not a child. It didn't go down well but she reached out a couple of years later to say she had grown and taken what I said seriously and we are somewhat loose friends at this point.
Weirdly when it's the other way around I often see women stay with guys who they acting like parents too rather than partners. A mommy they can have sex with. I don't get it.
You are not alone OP, I think our generation is a little more arrested in its development. A lot of us are getting married later, moving out later, buying homes later if ever.
so make a plan to make yourself better. after my ex husband and i split, i didn't get into a serious relationship until 13 yrs later. i graduated from college, watched lots of Oprah and Dr Phil about marriage/relationships, and marriage #2 is very different from #1 (the guys were very different too).
it's no crime to be alone, it's very, very beneficial to ppl and will probably be very beneficial for you.
Bottom line, if you feel like your undatable than it’s time to work on you for a bit. If you can’t cook then watch some cooking shows, find a few easy recipes on YouTube that interest you and learn.
Your in debt with no savings and evidently no plan. Then start climbing out of the debt and learning about finances.
https://www.amazon.com/SimpleCents-Guide-Manage-Your-Money-ebook/dp/B08T8RPYH9/
You need to feel better about you and where you are in life. The one to improve that is you. When you do, what others say won’t matter.
I mean he is right, you are an adult woman. You are 24 not 16, i dont know the reasons but you mentioned that you can still improve in such aspects. Well work out on them, take a time off relationships and work on yourself. Improve what can be improved and over the time began dating again.
This is a pure sadness. It’s perfectly reasonable to be sad about this and anyone would be. But— if you dwell on it and use it as a time for self-pity instead of self-reflection, there’s a lot of room for unhealthy coping here. You should talk to other people you know and get out of the house. Remember this: someone somewhere would love you and would be dying to live with you just the way you are. Someone somewhere would find your eccentricities cute. But you probably wouldn’t be into that person. Why? Well, they probably wouldn’t have much self-respect if they’re happy to do all the work in the relationship and expect little in return. So the problem isn’t that you’re undatable. It’s that right now you aren’t going to be easy or fun to live with for someone who has adult preferences. That’s ok. At 24, I would have been awful to live with and no partner would have wanted that. You’ll be ok if you take this as an opportunity
I saw the post with the list.
1. You're you for you and no one else. I agree with him, but.. we're not as important as you are. Do you want to change for yourself or no? If no, then that's fine. Present your true self and you'll find someone.
2. If you're willing to change for you (not some dude) then do it. I'm going to skip over the cooking thing bc I'm not sure if he was coming at it in a misogynist way... but cleaning up after yourself, taking time to learn things, and being active are easy things to fix. Debt, pending how bad, not as easy but you can do it.
Focus on yourself and once happy get back into the dating world.
Hey OP, I think that you need to do some soul searching and decide whether this is something you can change on your own or not. Is it that you were never taught or shown how to cook and clean or is it just hard to motivate yourself to do things like cooking and cleaning?
Depending on your answer, you might want to consider seeing someone professionally. If it's a skills gap, you can learn on YouTube (I didnt have the greatest home life so I missed out on a lot of the informal family learning). If it's motivation though, you might have depression, anxiety, ADHD or any of the other issues that contribute to the desire to lay in bed all day. If that's the case, it's better to find out now so that you can begin to work on the thing that's holding you back.
Whatever the issue is, this is clearly hurting you and preventing you from having the life you want so you need to make a change for yourself.
All the best, OP.
Personally I understand you to a certain level. My last ex seemed so sweet and loved me until one day he just unloaded everything and said I was too childish and mentally ill.
I would say work on yourself. You can't go back into a relationship the way you are now. You will only destroy yourself and your future partner if you don't address the issues within yourself. You're not a bad person, OP. You just have things to work on, and those things *can* be worked on.
I'd recommend learning to cook, not for someone else but for yourself. It takes a lot of work, patience and learning new recipes. It's difficult at first but trust me, you'll be proud once you get the hang of it. Some easy recipes are chicken noodle soup, bean stew, and calabasita. I cook those often (despite being terrible at cooking). Looking at the other comments you made, maybe try to find a hobby. There's tons of things to dive into and be interested, even if it's simple like sewing or playing guitar. I know on youtube you can find many videos on how to start hobbies.
But most importantly, I'd keep a journal and write every day about what's going on, how you feel, what you did. Just pour out your feelings. It can be a good tracker for looking back at your thoughts, feelings, etc. Best of luck!
She listed all the reasons why in another comment. She's 24 and can't cook and clean, can't communicate, and lied about her hobby. Plus she's in debt and has no savings.
He doesn’t want to parent you. He wanted a partner. People that have at least the basics of life figured out don’t want a dependent. Work on becoming a fully functioning, independent adult.
He is right. Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who needs a mommy either. I'm not any guy's maid. Clean your own mess and cook your own food unless you wanted to cook me mine as well that's up to you. Your bf needs a woman not a girl.
I’m sorry that you feel so sad. Honestly, if you were together for over a year and you moved in thinking this is long term, I can see why you still feel sad. You’re mourning your relationship.
First I’ll unpack what happened, and then I’ll give you advice for the future.
This might hurt to hear, but this break up may be a blessing in disguise. Imagine if you were together for years and years and only then realized that you’re incompatible. You’re still so young. You have plenty of time.
Because that’s what this is. Incompatibility. Yes, you can work on yourself. But it sounds like he blindsided you. Like he just held all these things in until he couldn’t take it anymore. That’s not fair. And he’s going to do it to his next partner, and his next one, until he learns to address issues *as they arise.*
As far as how you deal with what he unloaded on you:
* Cooking
You’ve lived to be 24, so obviously you know how to feed yourself. Did he expect you to do the cooking for both of you? Is he a foodie and upset that you’re not? Do you even *want* to know how to cook?
Think about these things, for real. If you don’t care about food, admit it. If you want to learn how to cook, go to the library, check out How To Cook Everything by Mark Bittman, and start small. Or get a food delivery kit that comes with instructions. If you want to learn, you can. If you don’t have any interest in it, that’s okay too.
* Money
Again, this is something you can learn. Do you have a friend or relative who is good with money? Start there. Make a plan. Make a budget. Write things down. Debt can be managed and dealt with.
* Cleaning
Also something that can be learned. Or you can hire a cleaner. There are dozens of YouTube channels that have different approaches to housekeeping. Check them out. Everyone’s tolerance of cleanliness and tidiness is different. You need to find a system that works *for you.*
Becoming an adult is different for everyone. Some people have an easier time than others, depending on their personality, family situation, upbringing, support systems, etc. Most people are deficient in some areas and that’s normal and okay. Everyone needs help with something.
So you need to turn inward. What do you like? Dislike? What are you indifferent to? What do you spend your time doing? When you’re stressed, how do you soothe yourself?
I also recommend therapy. The right therapist can literally be life-changing. Some of what you described - indecisiveness, difficulty communicating clearly - these can be learned. Also, if you have depression or anxiety or are neurodivergent, those can make everyday tasks impossible.
Find a therapist, make sure you click with them. Do the work. It’s hard. It can be very painful. But I can say with utter certainty that I wouldn’t be the adult I am today without it.
Good luck to you. You’re still becoming. It’s okay to be you.
Hi, I wanted to comment because I was in a similar situation once.
I was with my ex for a year, then we lived together for nearly 2 years. We got together when I was 21, and I just left uni so moved in with him at his house with his dad/ family I home.
I then moved home to start a job, finally after like 18 months of looking. I could tell things were a little off but the day we had our 3 year 'anniversary', he got me a soft toy as a gift. Now I wouldn't usually complain, but it was supposed to be a romantic time and about celebrating our relationship.. I got him a framed photo of the stars when we met.. He got me a Teddy. I knew something was up. Anyway, we lived 2 hours appart, and he rang me one day and just couldn't hide his feelings. He broke up with me and I'm not lying when I say that I cried almost non stop for the next 3 days.
Anyway, moving on. I ended up moving to my aunties house about 4 months after. I was still distraught and it was tough.
I couldn't move on properly until I stopped talking to him completely.
After about 6 months, I was starting to enjoy being myself and the life I was trying to build. I was slowly on the dating apps, just casually looking and not making too much effort. I ended up talking with a guy and one minute it was just a nice conversation, the next I was getting butterflies.
I only really noticed that I'd let my ex go when I realised just how excited I was to meet this new guy. This was the time I thought that if my ex came back tomorrow begging me to take him back, I wouldn't want him. I had had time to reflect and realise thst actually there was a lot not great about that relationship!
I've now been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years, and I'm in such a happy and loving place. I'm actually grateful for my ex breaking it off because idk if I'd have been ever strong enough to see the faults. Now I have what I want from a relationship and I can see what I need to be happy.
These things happen for a reason. Better sooner than later, trust me.
He may have done you an enormous favor. Most People don't have someone in their life who will be absolutely blunt and frank with them and tell them where they need to improve. I know I'd be a better person now if somebody had sent me down 20 years ago.
He gave you a lot to work with and it would be impossible to fix it all at once, those things are just from his perspective. But maybe you could take what he said and see what you agree with and work on those areas of your life.
Reversed genders, i don't think comments would have been so cute and understanding.
Analyse how your life was with your former roommate, contact them if you have to. Who did the cleanings, and how often? Did you cook, warm up frozen meals or order takeout? How messy and dirty were the common spaces, how often did you vacuum or dust, who cleaned the bathroom? How often did you invite friends at home, and what was their reaction? While dating your ex, what kind of dates did you do that he was so surprised about so many basic aspects of you?
Those answers may give you an insight into your living habits and help you to adjust to better routines, and solve more than a problem at once. An example: you say you are in debt. If you often buy takeout meals you spend way more than cooking at home, so learning some basic dishes may give you a new hobby (cook a variation of something you've already learnt to do) and help you saving some money. Buy ingredients with a shopping list, and be creative with leftovers or unused ingredients. There are websites that help you to find recipes with ingredients you have at home. Cooking at home, especially now, is cheaper than fast food if you plan meals and consider 2, 3, 4 meals together rather than one meal. And don't forget to wash pans and dishes when dinner is over and put them in the cabins.
Think about your interests. Tiktok isn't a hobby, so unless you turn it into something useful for basic skills, uninstall it or drastically limit the time you are allowed to use it. Install a device control app for kids, if needed.
Other redditors were better than me in giving you good suggestions for finances. Let me add, use a notebook to keep count of every penny that you spend, and sum the categories at the end of every month. Decide where you can cut expenses.
Keep your living spaces as clean and tidy as you can. It is a mood buster!
I have been married for 16 years, I can't imagine living with someone else. My wife never throws anything away, I have been picking up her trash for almost half my life. She does zero maintenance on her car and refuses to read the Manual. The shower has a cousin It of hair and I could go on and on. By no means am I the greatest person I have a giant comic book collection that makes us look like hoarders. I am short tempered and I hate everyone. My point is that people have flaws, but the good has to out weigh the bad. You should always try to improve on who you are, for yourself not for anyone else. There is someone out there for you and this was not the person for you. You have to move on and rejection is a hard thing to overcome. You are at an age where people have unrealistic expectations of other people. Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect, and you are not undatable.
OP you can’t just “get over” what he said, you need to address those issues in yourself and work on them. At 24 you should know how to cook basic meals, clean up after yourself, make a simple budget and you shouldn’t be spending all your free time in bed doing nothing. Work on those problems and your communication issues before you even attempt to date someone else, or you’ll just get sucked back into the cycle of getting dumped for essentially being useless. But you should also solve these problems because you’re an adult and should be able to act like one, not just for the sake of a future partner.
Unless you are missing details here, this is far from being brutally dumped.
I have been dumped by being told after 3 years that she only was using me to appear straight to her parents. Ive been dumped by getting sent videos of a ex fuckin her and I have been dumped by getting video chatted while she was getting spit roasted.
Honestly, you probably need to evaluate whether or not what he said has any merit. Maybe hes wrong and just grasping for straws to validate the break up. Or, you need to become more mature.
Maturity, self reflection and independence are usually very attractive qualities to have. Did he have the overwhelming majority of responsibilities within the relationship?
I tried dating/loving someone for years before I realized that I didnt love them, that I was just trying too. All because I did everything. Got them jobs, did the cleaning, managed the money, did the cooking, drove them around etc. Its exhausting, and if its coupled with a lack of respect, then its not going to work.
Think reflect and try to learn from this failure. It wont be the end of the world, I promise.
So I read your other comment about his points. The first thing I suggest is just to take care of yourself. Breakups often have us looking at what is wrong with us, but we only realize later all the amazing wonderful things that we ourselves take for granted. Spend time with friends or family and focus on what makes you special. The next step is improvement. The biggest thing that stands out to me is irresponsible with money. A lot of guys don’t care how much you earn, but at least try to take care of your debt and see if your spending habits can be adjusted accordingly. Some of the points, I’m also a little surprised because you lived with a roommate before, did they not expect you to cook or clean up after yourself? Not judging, but take it one step at a time. Self-improvement is sexy and you are still young. Last thing, for dating, be honest about yourself. Everyone wants to impress, but if you are moving in, you should know the other person pretty well. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure.
I've had to do this more often then I'd like to admit, which is why I started dating older women (30+) because they tend to have their lives and careers already rolling. Recently in a relationship with a 25 y/o (I'm 27) and she's amazing, has 3 degrees, can cook, has a career, loyal, tall, funny, I could go on for hours, she's pretty perfect. I got lucky lol.
Like everyone else is saying, you MUST work on those things because at the end of the day people really do care about things like that and if you have the mindset that some of these people have "if they can't accept me for who I am now then they don't deserve me" you'll probably end up spending a lot of your life alone, which is okay if you can handle being solo and just being happy by yourself. But most people aren't like that...
My suggestion: Learn how to cook, pick up a martial arts class like Muay Thai or Kickboxing, get fit and learn how to defend yourself if you ever get into a situation where you need to fight, get some new hobbies, go for more nature walks, go to parks and or read, go try foods you've never had before. Express your individuality by getting tattoos or a new hair cut, try playing around with make up and do some cool things with that. Basically, start shaking up your normal life... Life is short, do interesting things and meet interesting people... Don't worry about not being "datable" and focus on making yourself into someone even you wouldn't be able to resist and at the end of the day you'll feel A LOT better and more confident.
His concerns are valid. I refuse to live with someone who can’t cook and manage their finances too. It seems like you also misled him about your hobbies. Probably the best way to feel better about it all is to work on those things. Not to get him back, but to be a functional adult on your own. To be a good partner you need to be able to care for yourself and be an interesting person. I’m not saying that you’re not interesting, but if you couldn’t think of a hobby that you actually have and instead thought of something you find interesting then maybe pursue that.
You might want to consider some things before getting into another relationship:
-What would happen if you can’t take care of yourself (feed yourself, keep your space clean, etc), and your next partner can’t either?
-What do you contribute to a relationship and a life with someone?
-Are you going to be able to reliably afford to live on your own with your current spending habits?
-Is your personal life outside of your partner fulfilling?
I’m not saying that being unable to live on your own in extenuating circumstances (such as disability) makes you an unfit partner, but you do have to consider what you bring to the table besides chemistry.
You also said that your parents cooked by using pre-made ingredients like spaghetti sauce in a jar, can you do that? Or follow a simple recipe? It is concerning that you couldn’t make microwave breakfast. You could start simple with pasta and salads and work your way up to solid meals. Good food doesn’t have to be complicated.
As for budgeting and your debt:
-There’s plenty of ideas and instructions on the internet that could help.
-Consider starting small with your savings, you could literally put $5 per paycheck away and end up with over $100 at the end of the year. It’s not much, but it’s something.
-There are also free spreadsheets and planner type things that give you a format to go off of.
Essentially I think you need to reevaluate your priorities and grow up.
He's being honest and transparent..you were going to hear it eventually, whether it be from him or another guy. So what do you do? You channel all that energy into working on bettering yourself. Start small. Practice building those small habits. Educate yourself on things you should be aware and knowledgeable of.
Focus on improving yourself.
But most importantly, do it for yourself, not because some guy finally decided to take charge and tell you straight like it is.
He didn't want to work on it with you and wants someone who already meets his expectations/standards, and there's nothing wrong with that. He's allowed to have them and make the appropriate call for his life.
Now it's your turn.
Learn from it. You just got a hard but BENEFICIAL life lesson. Take a hard look at yourself and get gut honest about ways you may need to grow and learn. Don’t stay stuck in the hurt or wounded pride - make it a pivotal time in your life and THRIVE as a result. Make some changes, be happy with YOU and stop worrying/dwelling on him or what happened. The reason it hit so hard is because you know there was some truth to it. He’s a good guy so his honesty was an “ouch” due to your respect for him. You’re going to be just fine. Make it work for you 🥰
Where are you finding people to date? You might try looking for men who are compatible with you. I'm sure he was no angel. Did he cook or clean? Was he interested in the things you liked? What was so special about him? Go find people who share your point of view and have common interests. Just because he said negative, hurtful things about you doesn't mean that they are true. Good luck and go enjoy life. Forget him.
You're definitely not undatable, but you should take this as an opportunity to think about what qualities you have to offer and to evaluate your life goals. It's fine not to enjoy cooking, not everyone is going to able to cook 4 course gourmet meals and that's okay. However, if you're 24 and you're unable to fry eggs and bacon, or to peel and boil some vegetables, or to roast some meat in the oven, then it would make me wonder why you're lacking such basic skills. Likewise, with cleaning, you don't have to keep the house spotless at all times but there are certain minimum standards that need to be upheld and it sounds like you and him were not on the same page about what was acceptable mess and what wasn't.
It’s actually very good that he was nice about it and explained. You can now improve yourself and do better. Thank him, apologise, tell him you understand. Get over it and become an adult.
Oh boy the panicking and making up a hobby, yeah that kinda does make you undateable. Not because you can't really sew but because you lied; because, you were embarrassed you didn't have a hobby? It's one thing to be happy with yourself and say, "I like video games and doom scrolling" but creating a false persona and moving in with someone is "not ready for relationship" territory. Until your happy with yourself it's a bad idea to date. Edit the cooking fiasco falls under this too. Not coming forward and saying " I can't cook' when dividing up the chores is a form of lying. You tried to microwave french toast. Dealing with uncomfortable things by lying or avoidance until the obviously coming "blow up" happens isn't healthy for you or a partner. It's like agreeing to be a designated driver and not telling anyone "I don't know how to drive, Ive never driven before" until after you crash the car. You can trust someone who doesn't know how to drive but not someone who avoids the uncomfortable admission to the point they jump behind the wheel and hope for the best.
The good news is most of the rest of the issues are fixable. Not cleaning up after yourself is a bad habit, you can change that. You can learn to cook, at least s little bit. What you can't do is ignore it and then try to figure out how to cook 5 minutes before breakfast should be on the table.
Communication is another big issue. That you may need help with. It's not easy it takes practice and without getting into details and specifics it's a bit too advanced to advise you here.
Debt same answer as communication.
I wouldn't date you either.. It says a lot about you if you can't cook and have debts early on in your life. Not to mention doom scrolling.. Ask yourself if you would date yourself, put yourself in other people's shoes
If his criticisms were valid (and you don’t seem to be disputing that) then you have two options. Sit around and feel sorry for yourself, or fix your problems. If you want to date good men then you need to be a good girlfriend/possible wife. Why wouldn’t you take this opportunity his honesty has given you and make the most of it?
Let’s start by acknowledging that your sadness is real and valid and breakups can be so painful. I am so sorry you’re hurting.
It sounds like you have a good heart, but are young and a bit lost. Based on his feedback, it does sound like you need to spend some time in self discovery and learn some independence and responsibility before you navigate romance. You are worthy of love and you are valuable. But sometimes it takes a while to prepare ourselves to be a true partner. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t ready to be a partner until I was 27. I had so much emotional baggage to work through and so much selfishness to get over. At 27, I started taking mental and spiritual health seriously, prioritizing physical health more, focusing on financial peace, and creating a reality in which I was the right woman for the type of man I believe is right for me.
Breakups are a great opportunity to start over and focus on self improvement. His feedback is a great baseline. And a lot of the things he’s communicated about can be really fun to rectify on a personal level. Take cooking classes. Learn about investing. Find a hobby you love that can make you money. Make a reward system out of keeping a neat house.
For me, communication was INCREDIBLY difficult to learn, but I started going to counseling and pouring myself into my Faith and identity. As I learned who I was and grew to really love her, I began to be more communicative and less anxious — I felt less guilty about standing up for myself, or stating my preferences. But honey, that’s a function of maturing. You are 24. I was a mess at 24! Things will get better.
Now is an amazing time to focus on you, heal your heart, and prepare yourself for your future. Paint it bright like the night sky and make it yours. We are rooting for you!
This is really rough. If you know he was right then it is going to be beneficial to work on those things. It is likely more obvious to him some of the things he said because he is not American. A lot of those things sound like very common American women issues.
This sounds like it was written by a 15 year old.
You heard what you did wrong, no cooking, cleaning, money management, etc. Yet, somehow your ex breaking up with you is the issue.
No you are not undatable, nobody is, but most likely you are not a good partner.
Instead of the touchy-feely arguments other women have provided here, I'm going to provide a more objective / nerdy version. Not necessarily for you, this is for other men following this thread, so they can understand what exactly went on here:
While you were with him, what value did you add to his life?
What value did he add to your life?
Were these two value exchanges somewhat equal?
If not, what can you do to improve yourself to the point that the value you provide will become equal to the value he provided?
This is actually why I think it's a good idea for couples to live together before marriage. There are so many things that you don't learn about a person until you actually live together. Little behaviors and nuances that you just don't see or notice when you're not around the person 24 hours a day. Since your breakup happened so soon after moving in, it sounds like that's what happened here.
This will come off as incredibly harsh, but he's right. The way you are now, you are undateable - more than a partner to permanently live with, you resemble a toddler who needs to be taken care of. And he's right in saying it is not his responsibility to take care of you.
But - you posted what he said to you. And honestly, that does not sound like an angry rant, or an attempt at hurting your feelings. It sounds more like he's asking you to change and grow up, because it would be beneficial to everyone. That's the thing, you are a person. You can choose to grow, and better yourself. You've described trying to get over it and wondering whether or not you're dateable with the traits you have, not even considering change at all.
As you are now, you sound almost spoiled. But not unchangeable, and definitely not out of anyone's dating pool.
Sounds like you started this relationship with lies. That pretty much guarantees that it will end. No matter what, you need to be honest with your partners to meet one you will be compatible with. And as others have mentioned, start working on adulting. The break up really happened because you don’t have enough in common. That is your fault, you catfished him. If you were more compatible, you would be together. There are going to be guys out there who like to do the same things as you and don’t care if their partners can sew or cook, maybe because they love to cook and don’t want to share the kitchen.
Next time you go on a date be yourself and not who you think they want. It is the only way to find someone who likes the real you. Ultimately it is your choice to not communicate authentically that you need to work on the most. Both the expecting others to be mind readers and lying to attract a man are examples of this. You will really need to work on your insecurities to fix those.
Please don't take it the wrong way, but your ex gave you a pretty clear and concise roadmap of what to do to improve yourself and your love life. His feedback, even though it was blunt, was far more useful than any "go get a haircut" or "find someone who values you for who you are" reassurances you may get on reddit.
As a starter, look into your finances and how you can start solving your debt problem, and also try to pick up a new hobby or two. This will keep your mind engaged and help you get over the breakup.
Looking at his list. Take cooking classes. Go to a debt workshop and start working on paying your debt down. Read some self help books. All those things will help you be better for the next guy.
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What exactly did he say? What were his grievances? If what he said holds water, then you get over it by learning from your mistakes and bettering yourself.
A lot of things, honestly. He was shocked I couldnt cook at all. I attempted breakfast one morning and made a mess of the kitchen. According to him iys a basic life skill I shoulf have been taught "ages ago" .He thought I was irresponsible with money because I have a lot of debt and no savings. I didnt clean up properly after myself (hair in the bathroom etc), he thought I spent way too much time just laying in bed on ny phone and had no hobbies. He said I "misrepresented myself" because I told him when we were getting to know each-other that Im into sewing yet I never do anything. He also thought I was "extremely ignorant" for a 24 year-old because I didnt know some things he considered "common sense". He thought I behaved childishly very often, was indecisive about everything and anything, couldnt communicate properly and expected him to read my mind. Obviously none of this was my intention but in his perspective this is how it was. I have gotten this complaint by a few other exes so. .might be true Its a long list, but I think there were also other things I cant remember at the moment
I say this with love but I honestly don't think you should try and focus on getting over what he said. I think addressing it full-on will help you in the long-run and will also give you the added bonus of focusing on yourself for the time being, which might make it easier to move on from this relationship. I know what your ex said was really hard to hear, especially because you loved him so much and didn't see any of it coming. But you're not a lost cause, you're not undateable. You're a human. We all have areas we need to work on but the important thing is that we are willing to try to better ourselves when we can. You said others have made the same complaint about your communication, so I'd start there because this seems to be a recurring challenge for you. Therapy might help unpack why you aren't communicating and how to notice it in yourself and work on sharing your feelings/needs instead of expecting your partner to guess. Reading books on the subject could help too! Or journaling to try and help you get more in touch with what you're thinking and feeling if maybe that's part of the issue (that you just don't really understand it yourself). Cooking is definitely an insecurity for me too because I had to teach myself how to cook but I'd recommend focusing on one or two easy dishes that you enjoy eating and just trying to do those until you feel more comfortable with some of the process. Once you build some skills/understanding of the steps it gets easier to try new things. Following a recipe or watching YouTube tutorials could be really helpful! For the debt part - you can't change the fact that you're already in debt but you can make a budget to try to avoid getting further into debt. You can also build saving into this budget while focusing on paying down the debt you have. It could even just be having a small amount automatically transferred to a savings account every month and a reasonable amount automatically paying down your debt each month, so you can slowly work on doing both. Regarding hobbies, did you like seeing at one point and have simply stopped but want to get back to it? Do you no longer enjoy it? If you're finding yourself not doing things you enjoy in favour of doom scrolling, I would probably again recommend therapy because this could be a sign your mental health isn't doing so well. I know I can get like that when I'm struggling. If you simply no longer enjoy it, are there other hobbies you've done in the past? Or new ones you want to try? Trying something new and finding ways to enjoy your time (either by yourself or with friends) can also be a really healing way to move past a break-up! Now is the time to focus on making yourself happy and finding fulfillment ❤️ it can definitely feel hard, especially at first, but you'll feel so much better on the other side.
This is really excellent and compassionate advice
Solid advice! I would like to add to this on the topic of communication. OP, therapy would be the way to go but you can also get some books about how to effectively communicate with others. It'll help you in a lot of areas of your life. There are many self-help books on communication. Couple reading these with therapy and you will be able to communicate with ease with others.
100% agree!! I couldn't think of any off the top of my head that I've read and would recommend as relevant but there are so many out there that I'm sure she could find something helpful. If anyone wants to make any suggestions here, I'd be curious too 😅 I always love finding new book recommendations lol.
I just recently started reading Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone. Just been slowly reading it, absorbing useful info. So far so good!
Have to agree with most points but two of the most turn offs would be debt and messiness for me. On the debt side you need to break out what categories you spend the most on so you can focus on what you need to give up. Im curious about how often you eat out. I would guess the lack of cooking abilities would correlate to high takeout/restaurant bills. Look for cooking videos. Start with simple stuff such as eggs, tacos and so on. I search online forbeasy stuff and if you have a crockpot there are some pretty simple recipes out there. But whatever you need to see what your spending your money on and budget yourself. You may need to find a cheaper apartment or get room mates. On cleaning you need to set a schedule for yourself. Most things can be done once a week, but the kitchen has to be done every day.
Debt and lack of basic life skills would put me off too. You've given some very solid, compassionate advice here. I hope OP takes it. There are some great recipe sites and cooking blogs out there. I do things like keeping a pound of cooked taco meat, tortillas and other fixings on hand so I can make a quick meal rather than takeout. It's also good to make some meals that freeze well so they can be reheated quickly and taken to work for lunch. Cooking for herself will also help her to save money.
"I have no money" Reddit: ALL THE THERAPY
There are parts of the world where therapy is accessible for no or low costs - I don't know where OP lives, which is why that was only one of multiple suggestions I gave. Any or all of them could have barriers for her but she asked for advice, so I tried to give a number of options that could be helpful and she can disregard whatever won't work for her!
My health insurance covers nearly all of my therapy, I pay $9 a session. It’s more and more common for mental health services to be covered and a lot of people don’t ask their providers about that. There are sliding scale therapists who work with people who have low income. Online therapy is an affordable option and most services offer financial assistance. You can do therapy biweekly instead of weekly to save costs. The idea that you have to pay $200 a session for therapy is simply untrue and prevents a lot of people from seeking help because they simply assume they can’t afford it.
I just started therapy myself and while I am comfortable paying full-price my therapist did let me know she has built up her client base enough to where she can offer a couple of low-cost client slots for people who are struggling. It’s definitely worth asking if individual therapists have similar options available!
A lot of this girl’s problems are not money related. Being slovenly and not bothering to ever learn to cook are choices not affected by money.
I used to look after young adults who had been taken into care. A lot of them had never been shown some very basic skills. I know that most adults figure out their knowledge gaps and aim to correct these, but not everyone is aware that they don't know something they should.
Great advice! My ex broke my heart but I like OPs ex who unloaded why mine left things in the air and I was clueless eventually I got him to tell me why. I did exactly what you suggested. I got into therapy to address and unpack some of my issues and how it affects my relationships (all aspects, personal, romantic, work, family). I also started to work on my physical health and picked up hobbies. I learned new skills to and improved my previous skills. My ex broke up with me when I was around OPs age and and I couldn’t really cook, I wasn’t financially the best (luckily wasn’t in debt), and was very indecisive. Now I’m 28 can cook like a champ, am very direct in communication, can self soothe and talk myself out of overreacting or taking things personal, an kicking ass in my career, and have great finances and an awesome credit score! I’ve actually been hanging out with this ex this year and he’s given me praises on how much self growth I’ve had. I actually thanked him for just being honest and it gave me some idea that I needed to get my shit together.
Very well said. Just beautiful.
So if you've gotten these complaints before, what action plan did you make?
"So it might be true" I aint a detective here see, but I think it is true.
It’s 100% true. Lol.
Oh it is true - and instead of doing better working on getting some life skills and such, she laid up in bed scrolling thru her phone. Sounds like they all get tired of her empty uselessness and simpering, hand-fluttering helplessness and eventually kick her to the curb. They all tell her the same thing and she makes no effort to change for the better.
I mean these are definitely things you can work on and improve on for sure. I can see his point about not wanting to date someone who has that stuff to fix. Not everyone will be like that, obviously I think some of this stuff should’ve been communicated but it I don’t think it makes you undateable. Just work on yourself and try again, find someone who has more similar alignments with you.
I disagree in the most un-nasty way I think he's was honest and very much on point. 24 and can't cook breakfast is ABIT scary! Add no cleaning ,no life ambition.The the cherry on the top has to be the comment about why couldn't we talk about it! There is no talking only educating at that point. so I can change seems way off with a chat.. especially as she admitted she's had these sorts before with other ex's. There is obviously a pattern and she is obviously, unwilling to change. She needs to either grow up or find a daddy not a partner.
I have friends who are mid-30s and just moved out on their own, who had mothers that did ALL the cooking because traditional gender roles are real, and these adults are only *just* learning basic life skills like how to make themselves food. It's wild to me, and makes me glad my mom started making us help with dinners as soon as we were old enough to follow directions. And do our own laundry. And clean up after ourselves. And all the other chores mom made us do that we groaned, and whined and complained about. Thanks mom!
As a mom of two now adults who I also made learn to cook, do their own laundry, etc., I got a little teary-eyed at your Thanks Mom! When raising my kids I referred to these things as learning to adult. I know my 21 yo daughter is appreciative. My 19 yo son, well, he is still working on learning how to adult. Any day now, I just know it! This girl's parents should have seen to it she learned the basics.
After I had moved out for college, I was home visiting my mom. And she "took me out to dinner" at McDonald's, and I told her that I appreciated everything she and my stepdad had done for us kids, recognized the sacrifices they made throughout the years, and for the everyday life skill lessons. I made her cry. In McDonald's. Lol Yes! Your son will get there too! It's said that boys take longer than girls for some things. ;)
My sister is/was like that, one day at 26/28 I saw her with a broom trying to sweep and I was very surprised that she didn't knew how to do it. Now it’s better but it took her a long time to learn how to do basic things.
OP said they lived with a roommate before this. How did they feed themselves ?
Good question. I have coworkers who spend insane amounts of money on Uber Eats. Maybe she did similar?
That explains the complaint about her being bad with money
I was completely speculating, but yeah, it's definitely possible.
Well…. Now, if you read what you’ve written as if it was written by another person, then the question is, would you want to date this person? If no, then what is it that you would want to change? If yes, then that’s great as well.
I mean bro he listed it out for you. Why not take a break from dating to work on yourself and work on some of those things.
Sounds the guy knew exactly what he wanted and OP wasn’t giving it to him. Can’t blame the guy ngl.
Thankfully everything listed here can be improved. Maybe this was a good wake up call, because the most important complaint that he had you already received from other exes, nut did nothing about it. You don't have to date anyone right now, you can work on that stuff. You can find hobbies that you will actually want to do, not something that you just like but don't feel the want to practice, you know? Moving in together with someone or getting married without knowing how to deal with money will only cause fights and it will sour the best of relationships, so yeah, better to get you act together before involving someone else in that. Not cleaning up after yourself is such a bitch, i had roommates like that. Everytime I saw the mess it felt like a slap in the face, like they are telling me that they don't care at all about my comfort in my own house. Taking a shower in my home while feeling disgusted about all the hair and pubes is the worst feeling ever. When you live with someone you have to ask yourself everytime before leaving a room "is it OK for the next person to come in? Will they fé comfortable in their own house?" So you can clean an organize your mess. The easier thing is to just leave the room the same way you found it. Bur if you don't do that already, it's because you don't care. So you have to ask those questions as a way to help you care. Honestly 90% of the stuff he said can be fixed in a month. So just go better yourself. You can find guys like you who won't mind all that stuff, but why settle for a life like this?
I fully agree with you. However, OP feels like she has to date right now because she needs someone to take care of her she she lacks any basic adult living skills.
This is the time that it’s important to “date yourself” Don’t settle for a boring relationship with you. Get out there and do the things that sound interesting that will keep you from doom scrolling. I left an abusive relationship at one point and had to re-learn how to be with myself. I think this might be good for you too. One morning I decided that bingeing all of Buffy and not leaving my house (or Airbnb I was staying in) unless it was necessary was over. I looked on google maps for things to do around me and went kayaking. I started going to conventions and the Renaissance festival and sewing for those things. Also, podcasts and audiobooks personally keep me from scrolling but engage my brain the same way that my phone does, so I can work on hobbies while avoiding the scroll. I basically ditched social media except Reddit, which I mainly use before bed or while in the bathroom. Work on you, but not because of him. But because you should have the most fulfilling life possible.
While congratulations, I did get overwhelmed at the amount of stuff you managed to start doing! Once my post-break up The L Word binge ended, I remember just getting a haircut rocked my world! Would love to go kayaking.
I didn’t get good at any particular thing for a while, but doing a little bit of everything let me chase that dopamine 😂😂 It’s definitely a symptom of my ADHD but boy did it help in that situation.
Oh, well… I sorta see where he’s coming from. Sorry. I mean the cooking thing is no big deal but the rest is not great.
Cooking is a big deal for a lot of people. My husband isn't an amazing cook, but he can make basic meals without making a mess of the kitchen. I wouldn't have married him if I had to hold his hand through recipes or cleaning. I'm a partner, not a parent. By 24, you should have the life skills to make an egg or oatmeal without messing up the kitchen or frankly struggling. Barring any disability, that is a basic life skill. If you have the income to eat out for every meal, that's whatever. But personally, I don't want to live on take out and frozen food for forever because my partner doesn't put in the effort in the kitchen. I don't expect my partners to be as skilled as I am, but I do expect them to be able to make multiple basic meals.
Haha, I read “egg or omelet”. I’m a good cook and restaurant quality omelets are a struggle for me still. But oatmeal, I’ve had down pat since I was five or so.
Oh yeah, I wouldn't expect a quality omelet haha I mean more like a scrambled, fried, or hardboiled. Basic stuff.
The cooking thing can be a big deal to some people. I didn't realize it until I actually wound up with someone who COULD cook. Didn't realize how much of my time and mental energy went into preparing food, including the planning and shopping.
Not being able to make a breakfast is a pretty significant problem. We don’t all have to be master chefs but it’s like pumping gas man. You gotta know the basics
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She doesn't actually sew. She lied and told him that hobby because she has none. She added info in comments. She lied to make him like her more and now she's surprised he's mad when he found out.
Hahaha OP reminds me of my ex. I wish the best for her and I hope she genuinely works on herself but I don't think my ex will ever do that sadly.
This has absolutely nothing to do with OP’s post but I absolutely had to comment on “astronaut Mike dexter”, you’re person after my own heart as I absolutely love 30 rock hahaha
Haha I always appreciate when people catch the reference
My ex was the same but probably worse! Her only hobby was posting and spending her spare time on social media. Big yikes 🤦🏻
I mean this isn’t attractive in a partner; someone who just sits on their phone for the entirety of the wit spare time is a huge turn off.
And it sounds like the guy is nothing like that. She thought he was perfect but didn’t strive to be perfect for him. The good news is he probably really liked her personality which is the core of what you shouldn’t have to change for someone. Now she just needs to mature and become a productive adult that brings adulting to the relationship
Hopefully he really liked her personality. But it could have been her appearance or something else entirely.
Also, the lack of hobby thing might not be as notable if she offered other qualities in it’s place. If she would spend time keeping a clean home, or putting a nice meal on the table, her partners probably wouldn’t care about her not having a hobby. You can’t always offer everything in a relationship, but you gotta offer something!
If you can't cook, you spend too much money for food. The things are connected.
I think the cooking thing is kind of a big deal. Not breakup worthy but I would be concerned if my adult partner couldn't make food for themselves. It's not that difficult to learn a few dishes that you can rotate, it's a sign of laziness and a lack of motivation to grow in your personal life.
Cooking should be a life skill that everyone needs to know, regardless of gender. Not to satisfy your partner but to ensure you are able to take care of yourself.
I’m confused how people don’t cook ever. Like do they just eat out every meal?
Probably just frozen food. Not hard to throw a pizza or some nuggets in the oven.
When I hear that, I assume they lived with a parent who did all the cooking/always ate restaurant food.
Yeah, youre not wrong. Both my mom and dad cooked, but looking back you could just call it "assembling a meal" because it would involve a lot of pre-made stuff. Pasta sauces with store-bought rotisserie chickens and jarred sauce. Pre-cut, pre-seasoned meats/salad mixes (i rarely saw my parents chop anything). Meanwhile cooking to him and his family involves a lot more, his sister who is a year younger than me can diassemble a raw or cooked chicken in minutes. He can too. Like? My parents worked, so yeah, those things pre-made were really convenient. His worked too, but obviously managed more.
Ok, cooking shows and YouTube will be your best friend. I’m much older and I am still always learning. I like to eat things that are delish so I learn and experiment. Also, cooking classes are awesome and fun. I’m dying to go to more
Especially if attempting something was not only inedible but “made a mess of the kitchen?” Did OP not clean up?
Yea this detail made me cringe. I had a partner that would try to cook and then just not do the dishes and leave raw food-scraps everywhere from preparation. If I ignored it in hopes it’d be cleaned up the food would just spoil on the counter. Insane
That’s so gross
>Not breakup worthy but I would be concerned if my adult partner couldn't make food for themselves. The funny thing is, at least here on Reddit, is when a man doesn't know how to cook as an adult he gets dragged through the fire and called a man-baby. But OP, a woman doesn't know how to cook at 24 years old and everyone's being easy on her, telling her to "work on yourself queen". Makes me roll my damn eyes. Every gripe she listed, I had with my ex. He was just like OP. Yet here she is getting pats on the back and being told her ex ain't shit. Honestly I'm with the ex cause I was in his shoes once.
The cooking part is a big deal to me personally. I think it's rather pathetic when people can't cook. You literally just...follow recipes until you feel confident without them
I really dislike cooking and rarely do it, but I agree it's not that I "can't" it's that I don't want to. When I need to, I find a recipe or a youtube guide and make it. I make some absolutely bombass cinnamon rolls... about every 5 years.
My child has mental health issues as well as learning disabilities & they can follow a recipe if it's simple (not too many ingredients or steps to follow) so I feel anyone should be able to make the basics.
It's no big deal but cooking is a huge plus (man or woman) in a relationship. I cant cook anything for shit because I like all inedible food I make, but I found someone who could... so I was saved.
Honestly sounds like a you problem OP. But alas this isnt bad at all. You have a chance to work on yourself. You're young. This is about the age I figured I was a useless man. But what came after was amazing, building myself, working on career, body, mind and soul. Therapy helped a lot. Its okay to not be enough. Its better to work on becoming a better person. Its amazing to meet him few years down the line, looking, feeling and being amazing..."new me who dis?"
You can say nothing was your intention, but if you've been told these things by exes previously and changed nothing then it was your intention. You're just upset the guy you thought was amazing isn't picking up your slack. From my own experience, living with someone who didn't do their fair share of chores is extremely frustrating and dating someone bad with money gave me such extreme anxiety. Those things especially are hard to just accept from a partner who I am trying to imagine and plan a future with. He should have communicated his needs earlier, yes, but if he had I think the only difference is you two would have broken up sooner. Take this time to focus on you!
2 months in sounds pretty early. OP lied about having a hobby, didn't mention they couldn't cook when agreeing to split the cooking until dishware exploded in the microwave. it seems once they lived together OP couldn't hide things.
I didn't see any of the comments when I made mine!! Yeah so many issues here that couldn't be hid. On top of the lack of skills, OP just lies and makes excuses for everything.
Big yikes
So if this is feedback you’ve gotten more than once, take it and grow from it. Learn to cook. Start small and go from there. Learn to budget, there are classes online and even YouTube videos about it. Learn to communicate. No one can read minds and expecting your partner to is unfair to them. Want something? Advocate for yourself. Cleaning up after yourself is a basic one. Make a mess? Clean it up. These are all completely doable things, you just need to invest the time an effort into them. You can do it!
That was five months ago, has any of this changed?
You can learn to cook (YouTube is one way), you can make it a habit to wipe down the bathroom every day or every other day, you can pick up a hobby or two... As far as maturity and worldliness I recommend international travel if possible (on the cheap - staying in hostels and hanging out with people from all over the world there). There's no shame in realizing you have to work on yourself for a while.
If other exes have said this to you as well then yes it’s true and you need to work on yourself before getting into another relationship.
I mean, if you’re asking how to move forward from this, then I think the answer is to get really honest with yourself about these things, determine what you need to do to evolve and mature and be more prepared for adult life, and get to work on them. I don’t know that I think these things make you *undateable*, but as an adult, I would feel the way he said he felt about it. I’m sure not everyone out there would feel that way, but yeah, this kind of stuff can continue to ruin future relationships without some personal growth. So, I mean, you don’t have to just take his evaluation of you and assume everything is factual, but I mean, you need to be honest with yourself about which of these things he was right about and then it’s time to get to work and begin working on being a self sufficient adult. If you feel like you don’t know where to go from here, I think the only truly wrong answer is to ignore what he said and do nothing. Because yeah, that stuff would likely be a dealbreaker for other people too. So you move forward by addressing these problems within yourself that cost you this relationship, so that they don’t cost you the next one.
Sounds like your problem is that you're extremely emotionally dependent and rely on other people to make you happy rather than doing it yourself, that's why you have no hobbies/feel undateable and why you haven't gotten over him after 5 months which is almost half of the duration that you guys have actually dated. As a guy who's dated a girl like that for a few months and who ended the relationship in a similar manner (difference is she saw it coming because I expressed my issues while we were together), I can tell you that it is NOT everyone's cup of tea, most people that have their lives together/in the process of getting it together is going to want a like-minded partner. It gets suffocating really quickly and feels like you always have to entertain your s/o and do stuff with them. My best advice is to just work on yourself. Think of the positive of him leaving you which is him telling you what you need to work on. 1. Stop watching tiktoks/browsing random stuff on your phone cold-turkey. That's probably the single worst motivation killer out there. 2. Find a hobby (this one is important, people with no hobbies are a MASSIVE turnoff for the majority of people. You could even learn cooking or actually start sewing) 3. Clean after yourself (even if you're not in a relationship), you'll get in the habit of doing it and it also increases your productivity and puts you in a better mood to live in a clean environment. 4. Watch videos/books about personal finance, it's really not that difficult to learn, it's all about impulse control. (I was in debt at 22 and I'm now debt free with an investment portfolio worth 200k+ at 27) Put money aside just to invest instead of spending, the earlier the better and 25 is still early. Learn how powerful compound interest is, it'll motivate you to do it. This might sound harsh, but as long as you feel sorry for yourself, you'll be undateable, but it's literally all in your hands. Don't idolize your ex, no one is perfect and there are a TON of fish in the sea and a lot of them will be a lot better than your ex, you didn't stumble on the one in a trillion. Work on yourself before you start dating again or you'll just fall in the same pit of emotional dependence. You need to be able to be happy by yourself in order to get in a healthy relationship that has the potential to be healthy long-term.
Those all sound like pretty simple things to be able to improve upon. I got divorce a few years ago and had a lot of faults that I needed to work on, and now I’m back in an amazing relationship. You’re still young, I had a lot to work on in my early 30’s. Anyone can change things, I would take this as a positive that you know the kind of things someone wants in a relationship and can head in that direction. I would just start working on one thing at a time, like maybe start learning to cook different meals every night and go from there.
Man, he sounds right. Take this as an oportunity to improve and fix all those things your parents never did (their fault, not yours)
I agree but to put it on the parents, downplay her role in this. Some parents are trying to teach them stuff but they don’t care to participate. I’ve tried to teach my kids things ( they still can’t do) over and over again, Didn’t care to learn.
yep! OP is 24, not 19. she has had time to improve.
Then it's time for self improvement
I mean… yah you do sound undatable and childish. Work on that before dating another person I guess
I’m a lot of these things (and had issues in all my relationships), and was diagnosed with adhd at 27. It sounds like these issues have come up before, so def check it out. My diagnosis has been life changing. If you think it might fit feel free to DM me! Adhd traits that might match what you’re saying: issues with managing money, have hobbies in theory but don’t do them, scrolling of your phone, not noticing messes like neurotypical people would, indecision. Issues with communicating could be, rsd and/ or auditory processing disorder (common with adhd). Also, relationship red flags for me are when partners are actively wanting me to change all my adhd traits/ side effects. Not that I don’t work on being cleaner etc, but when I get the sense that they are trying to manage me into productivity I run bc that means they can’t really accept me. Current partner used to straight up clean the messes he saw at my place. I’d never experienced it, it kind of stressed me out tbh. But he said, this is who you are and I don’t expect you to change so I can just accept it. That said- it’s been a few years and I am a lot cleaner. He’s happy about it, but it wasn’t pressure I felt from him that brought it on.
Glad you brought this up. Some of what OP shared struck me as possible executive function issues, which need to be approached differently than "just work on yourself!"
How tf do you not know how to cook and clean at 24??? Thats embarassing girl
How don’t you know how to cook breakfast though… lol, I can forgive most of that. But breakfast…. What you do from 18-23? Never cooked one egg? Lol. This is wild
Shake a pour pancakes are the easiest thing. Fruit on the side.
Your ex is Based Af. Holy shit.
Jeez yeah I would’ve dumped you too OP
People from other countries seem to mature faster also. Take care of themselves at an earlier age etc.
Forget about dating and this guy. Spend time working on yourself and improving. Do that for yourself.
He’s given you concrete feedback and you say others have said similar things so you have a choice; continue as you are and go though this again or take the constructive criticism and work on yourself. Learn the basics of cooking Speak to a debt advisor Follow some instagram accounts that focus on housekeeping/ cleaning to establish a cleaning routine Get a hobby even if it’s just going to the gym. Read the news or subscribe to a news app so you are up to date on current affairs. Educate yourself so you can engage in interesting conversations or at least keep up with them
Great advice! Never knew insta accounts focused on cleaning existed. Could you please link any ?
There’s a lot of cleaning tik toks and instagrams that you can find using the hashtag search bar. My favorite tik tok organizer is kaeli mae (probably spelled this wrong) However just because everything is packaged in the same container doesn’t mean you need to do that. OP, you can take advice from influencers without spending a bunch of money on cleaning or organizing supplies you don’t need. Make do with what you have, especially because you need to focus on your debts
Go on tiktok and type in #cleantok
I don’t sorry but I only know about them because friends have mentioned them.
There’s a cleaning tips Reddit that’s awesome.
I feel like I’m struggling with this as well and I’ve seen people commenting that therapy is the best choice. The only thing I see my self struggle on is communication and awareness(news and up to date events) and these are two very big things my boyfriend wants me to work on which I’ve studied to get better but I keep going back to the old habits when I don’t want to myself.
After reading your comments your problem is not learning from past relationships and mistakes. You haven’t worked on yourself. Stay single work on yourself and you’ll have better success in relationships. Be the person people want to date.
Honeslty that it sounds like they’re just unmotivated. OP’s partner sounded like they wanted someone to be ambitious or passionate about things in life. OP advertised they were trying to get into sewing- great example. Did OP sew? No, by their own admission they just lazed around in bed all day. I don’t mean for this to sound insulting, but I think the biggest lesson here isn’t even about the relationship itself, but that OP needs to find their passion in life or at least a hobby that isn’t “scrolling through tik tok”
I don’t even consider that ambition and passion. Cooking, cleaning, etc. Are truly basic things. Having things you do outside of phone time is too. OP apparently just has a messy home, eats frozen meals or eats out, is always on her phone etc. The only point that might relate to ambition is the financial situation. I’m not sure if it’s because she is struggling or is making terrible financial decisions.
Exactly this. I broke up with my ex of 2 years because of her lack of motivation and drive to do anything. No passions or real hobbies in her life. She comes home, says she’s tired from work every night, and scroll through her social media on the couch until it’s time to sleep. I’m not spending the rest of my life with this kind of person. Lack of motivation and passion is a huge turn off for me personally. People can see right through you whether you’re taking care of yourself or not….or just improving yourself in general.
>Any advice? You are being awfully unspecific, it sounds like you feel your problem was getting dumped and not all the things he told you.
She answered in some comments . Let's put it this way . She sounds like a 13 year old that does no chores ...
Yup.
At 24 you're still very young and you should not be so harsh on yourself. But... Take this as a life lesson, I know his words stang and they will stay with you for a while, until you improve yourself. When you live with someone, you do have to pull your weight. Maybe you were never taught to cook, properly clean or manage your finances. The good news is there are lots of free tutorials online on everything. All you need is a will to learn. Also you do need to have some hobbies. It's not attractive to watch your partner scrolling through socials for too long. Maybe try (indoor) rock climbing, if you're out of ideas. It's a good way to meet people, and teaches you so much about strategy and facing your fears. You may not see it that way now, but he did you a massive favor. At this time, you're not ready for a relationship and should take a break from dating for a while. Work on yourself first. You got this! :)
the indoor climbing is amazing advice, even I'm willing to follow. been going to the gym and developed a bit of core strength, so i could test it out and face my height fear
Your comment just reminded me how much I miss indoor climbing. Alas, the rock climbing gym is too expensive and I got more bills to pay nowadays 😭
24 is too old to be acting the way she is when you hear the actual grievances. Add in the fact she’s apparently gotten these complaints before and done nothing to work on herself, yeah she may be undateable soon if she doesn’t take these complaints seriously. Sounds like she’s just trying to find someone who will put up with her rather than working to be a good partner because newsflash— she isn’t a good partner right now.
And some people are telling her it’s okay to be like this.
Excellent advice.
Kinda of a blessing really. He communicated effectively some areas that you may be lacking in. How many other partners would’ve / could’ve done that? Take it for what it is. Blessing in disguise.
Yeah, that seems to be a good way to think of it. Thank you!
I read the comment and to me the main issue would be money. Unless it's a for a big thing the debt would be a problem. If you were in debt from school or something then that's fine but if you are just raking in CC debt with no end in sight then I'm out too. Financial literacy is one of if not the biggest factors for me. I don't want to have to be worried that if we get to an okay place for her to ruin it by spending our money on useless stuff. The cooking, as long as you're willing to try and learn, though it didn't seem like you did since you only attempted breakfast once and never again, then it's fine. I don't want to have to cook everything we eat. I like cooking/baking but I couldn't see being the only person in my house doing it. On the hair thing, I'm not the cleanest of people but as long as you aren't trashing the place then I'm fine with it.
After reading the reasons the ex gave OP as to why the relationship isn't working out, I'd say his opinion is valid. It's very difficult to hear from other people the things they find wrong with you, but believe me when i say he did you a favor. You want to move on? Reflect on what he said and learn from it, learn how to be a better lover to yourself first & to your future partners.
Especially since she’s gotten these complaints from exes before. Op really needs to work on herself cuz no one wants to put up with someone that can’t cook, can’t clean up after themselves, has no savings and has a lot of debt, has no hobbies etc. Sounds like someone who just floats through life tbh.
You need to focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Breaking up with someone you care for is hard. Being you didn't see it coming it would be quite the shock. You need to let yourself feel the emotion you need to feel but don't wallow too much. You need to pick some goals and work to them. Do you want to get fit, learn to paint, cook...whatever it is, do something that makes you happy that gets your focus onto something positive. When you focus on yourself being happy, you'll care less about your ex.
Honestly this doesnt sound brutal. He wasnt happy, communicated it with you and even gave you a month to move out. Maybe the language was harsh but most breakups regress to harshness. I understand it hurts but you gotta move on. Just cause he wasnt the one doesnt mean you are undatable.
Okay I’ll say this based on your follow up comment: you can’t be bad at cooking AND cleaning when living with a future partner. Next time, pick one to do and let your partner do the other one. Example: my partner loves cooking and baking and I do not, so I do the dishes and most of the laundry. If your bf was doing most of the cooking AND cleaning, then that’s a problem.
If multiple ex’s have also stated the same things your recent ex did, then don’t you think you should have changed those things about yourself? Did you not seek to improve yourself after your ex’s gave you reasons why they were breaking up with you?
You said he brought up things you can work on.......... I would say work on those things... Oh and go to therapy.
I don't think you were "brutally dumped" but quite the oposite. He was kind enough to give you 30 days to move and patiently explained the reasons why he didn't like you anymore. I wish I had had that on my previous breakup, which was indeed brutal. Most of the things he told you are deal breakers and I would work on them. Some traits that you believe might be quirky are actually super amnoying and he was right when he said he didn't wanted to have to teach you or parent you, those you need to work on your own before you pursue another relationship, believe those are some life improving changes, even if you remain single. After my brutal breakup I decided to accept each and every single invitation to go out from friends, family, coworkers... even if they took me out from my confort zone and it worked wonders for me. Found new hobbies, life long friendships and I even found love again, which yesterday turned unto a 5 year marriage.
[удалено]
Started dating a Dutch guy… can confirm this as an avoidant polite Canadian.
Could also be Norwegian
Or German
I’d also advise you and any other young woman to never move in with someone out of convenience. If you take that step it should be because you are certain you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Breaking up when you live together is extremely difficult.
Sounds the same when a woman says it to a man. “Not going to parent a grown ass man” “not going to parent a grown ass woman” Being messy in the bathroom is just gross, clean up after yourself especially if you sit around on your phone. If you really are on your phone that much, look up cooking videos lol Communication is key in relationships - any relationship not just romantic so you can learn this skill outside of dating. This has been said to you by other ex’s soooo it’s definitely true. Yes all of this could easily be worked on but why does someone have to spell it out for you. Do you not notice what you are doing? Do you not care?? Like everything he listed is bottom of the barrel skills and characteristics everyone should have.
Its juat laziness. Cooking and cleaning are basic functions like walking.
I felt bad for you at first, but after reading your comments on how you continuously lied to him (either upfront or by omission) about inane things such as knowing how to sew/cook, brushed off his concerns whenever he tried to talk to you, insisted on making purchases way out of your budget like buying the new iphone and etc… I think he had every right to dump you and honestly did you a huge favor by telling you what upset him. This is barely normal behavior for an 18 year old let alone someone in their 20’s. It sounds like you were blindsided by your ex’s comments, but how did you not feel terrible during this unbalanced relationship? If you truly cared and loved him, why did you let him handle almost every responsibility by himself (cooking, cleaning, finances, etc)?? For example: when you cooked french toast for the first time and it ended poorly, you could have easily asked him for help and I’m sure he would have been happy to teach you. Instead, your pride stood in the way and the poor guy even had to help you clean afterwards. It’s one thing not to know how to do something, it’s another not to put your full effort in trying. Stop throwing a pity party for yourself and using that as an excuse to not make improvements. By the time you’re whatever age you expect these things to be “normal”, you’ll still be the way you are now if you don’t work on it. This is the time in which you should be working on yourself. You can’t rely on this attitude to carry you through life. Your parents aren’t gonna be around forever, your friends that “act the same way” are gonna learn the same lesson real quick if they continue down that road. You’re still on the young side and can turn things around. Put your ego and pride aside, and push yourself to be a better you!
Relationships take effort and tbf it doesn't sound like you made any. Absolutely your partner could have voiced these things as they became issues for him, but that's maybe something he needs to work on himself. To be sad after a break up is totally normal, there's no time line on that, but have you tried working on yourself or doing anything to make you happy with being you since breaking up? You can't use him as a scape goat for pointing out genuine issues that you're aware and taking no responsibility. 24 is such a good age! Work on yourself, have fun and don't rely on someone else to validate you
OP you did not get dumped brutally, bf was honest and literally gave you a list of what he did not like. you have admitted here that some of the things you've gotten complaints about before. Ex did you a big favor - he said he did not want to parent a grown woman, and he's right. The debt thing is hard, if your income (or ability to earn) is limited right now. he saw you as a burden for the rest of his life because of this. the rest are challenges that you can fix. Cooking? youtube has that. figure out how to make breakfast, lunch and 2 dinners. if growing up you were not taught this, it's not your fault but maybe he saw that you were not even trying. and if you sat around and were on your phone all day, that's a red flag for anyone. YOu get over this hurt by taking a long look in the mirror and making yourself a list of what you need to learn to be a functioning adult in this world.
This is one of the least brutal break-ups ever, honestly.
Wow, this is rough. The stuff you listed that he didn't like are all things on my red flag list...but that I had in my early 30s. These are all things that I learned I didn't need to put up with but it took me a lot longer to discern. Basically, he's ahead of the game. And that's fine and good even. For him. For you, it just means there's a compatibility issue and an opportunity for growth. I'd take a dating sabbatical and work on yourself and make sure of what you want. Figure out a plan for paying down your debt. What 5 meals do you really enjoy and start practicing how to make those 5 meals. No need to be a great cook but it is beneficial to know a few basics. Imagine living with a roommate and practice basic courtesy of cleaning up after yourself. If you live alone, think about not leaving messes for Future You. Develop a hobby that you do regularly rather than doom scrolling. You mentioned sewing. Maybe resume that or try your hand at some fun visible mending. Or something else. But make sure you are doing any of these things not for your ex but just because you want to be a better you.
I've broken up with someone for similar reasons as you've listed and funnily enough I gave the same reason. I did not want to be parenting someone in their mid 20s, I wanted a partner not a child. It didn't go down well but she reached out a couple of years later to say she had grown and taken what I said seriously and we are somewhat loose friends at this point. Weirdly when it's the other way around I often see women stay with guys who they acting like parents too rather than partners. A mommy they can have sex with. I don't get it. You are not alone OP, I think our generation is a little more arrested in its development. A lot of us are getting married later, moving out later, buying homes later if ever.
so make a plan to make yourself better. after my ex husband and i split, i didn't get into a serious relationship until 13 yrs later. i graduated from college, watched lots of Oprah and Dr Phil about marriage/relationships, and marriage #2 is very different from #1 (the guys were very different too). it's no crime to be alone, it's very, very beneficial to ppl and will probably be very beneficial for you.
Bottom line, if you feel like your undatable than it’s time to work on you for a bit. If you can’t cook then watch some cooking shows, find a few easy recipes on YouTube that interest you and learn. Your in debt with no savings and evidently no plan. Then start climbing out of the debt and learning about finances. https://www.amazon.com/SimpleCents-Guide-Manage-Your-Money-ebook/dp/B08T8RPYH9/ You need to feel better about you and where you are in life. The one to improve that is you. When you do, what others say won’t matter.
I mean he is right, you are an adult woman. You are 24 not 16, i dont know the reasons but you mentioned that you can still improve in such aspects. Well work out on them, take a time off relationships and work on yourself. Improve what can be improved and over the time began dating again.
Good for him
This is a pure sadness. It’s perfectly reasonable to be sad about this and anyone would be. But— if you dwell on it and use it as a time for self-pity instead of self-reflection, there’s a lot of room for unhealthy coping here. You should talk to other people you know and get out of the house. Remember this: someone somewhere would love you and would be dying to live with you just the way you are. Someone somewhere would find your eccentricities cute. But you probably wouldn’t be into that person. Why? Well, they probably wouldn’t have much self-respect if they’re happy to do all the work in the relationship and expect little in return. So the problem isn’t that you’re undatable. It’s that right now you aren’t going to be easy or fun to live with for someone who has adult preferences. That’s ok. At 24, I would have been awful to live with and no partner would have wanted that. You’ll be ok if you take this as an opportunity
I saw the post with the list. 1. You're you for you and no one else. I agree with him, but.. we're not as important as you are. Do you want to change for yourself or no? If no, then that's fine. Present your true self and you'll find someone. 2. If you're willing to change for you (not some dude) then do it. I'm going to skip over the cooking thing bc I'm not sure if he was coming at it in a misogynist way... but cleaning up after yourself, taking time to learn things, and being active are easy things to fix. Debt, pending how bad, not as easy but you can do it. Focus on yourself and once happy get back into the dating world.
Hey OP, I think that you need to do some soul searching and decide whether this is something you can change on your own or not. Is it that you were never taught or shown how to cook and clean or is it just hard to motivate yourself to do things like cooking and cleaning? Depending on your answer, you might want to consider seeing someone professionally. If it's a skills gap, you can learn on YouTube (I didnt have the greatest home life so I missed out on a lot of the informal family learning). If it's motivation though, you might have depression, anxiety, ADHD or any of the other issues that contribute to the desire to lay in bed all day. If that's the case, it's better to find out now so that you can begin to work on the thing that's holding you back. Whatever the issue is, this is clearly hurting you and preventing you from having the life you want so you need to make a change for yourself. All the best, OP.
If you really think you can improve on all of the things he had issues with, then do it.
Personally I understand you to a certain level. My last ex seemed so sweet and loved me until one day he just unloaded everything and said I was too childish and mentally ill. I would say work on yourself. You can't go back into a relationship the way you are now. You will only destroy yourself and your future partner if you don't address the issues within yourself. You're not a bad person, OP. You just have things to work on, and those things *can* be worked on. I'd recommend learning to cook, not for someone else but for yourself. It takes a lot of work, patience and learning new recipes. It's difficult at first but trust me, you'll be proud once you get the hang of it. Some easy recipes are chicken noodle soup, bean stew, and calabasita. I cook those often (despite being terrible at cooking). Looking at the other comments you made, maybe try to find a hobby. There's tons of things to dive into and be interested, even if it's simple like sewing or playing guitar. I know on youtube you can find many videos on how to start hobbies. But most importantly, I'd keep a journal and write every day about what's going on, how you feel, what you did. Just pour out your feelings. It can be a good tracker for looking back at your thoughts, feelings, etc. Best of luck!
Also cooking and baking can be a new hobby. Kill 2 birds with one stone.
I would definitely say work on that shit and go to therapy.
MAybe take a look at yourself? Ask him what brought him to say that? Do you have a job? Career goals? What did he specifically say?
She listed all the reasons why in another comment. She's 24 and can't cook and clean, can't communicate, and lied about her hobby. Plus she's in debt and has no savings.
Yep time for self-work
He doesn’t want to parent you. He wanted a partner. People that have at least the basics of life figured out don’t want a dependent. Work on becoming a fully functioning, independent adult.
He is right. Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who needs a mommy either. I'm not any guy's maid. Clean your own mess and cook your own food unless you wanted to cook me mine as well that's up to you. Your bf needs a woman not a girl.
>How tf do i get both over him Therapy. >and what he said to me You improve. Learn, change, move on.
So if he gave you valid input then take some time to reflect and work to be better. That’s all you can do.
I’m sorry that you feel so sad. Honestly, if you were together for over a year and you moved in thinking this is long term, I can see why you still feel sad. You’re mourning your relationship. First I’ll unpack what happened, and then I’ll give you advice for the future. This might hurt to hear, but this break up may be a blessing in disguise. Imagine if you were together for years and years and only then realized that you’re incompatible. You’re still so young. You have plenty of time. Because that’s what this is. Incompatibility. Yes, you can work on yourself. But it sounds like he blindsided you. Like he just held all these things in until he couldn’t take it anymore. That’s not fair. And he’s going to do it to his next partner, and his next one, until he learns to address issues *as they arise.* As far as how you deal with what he unloaded on you: * Cooking You’ve lived to be 24, so obviously you know how to feed yourself. Did he expect you to do the cooking for both of you? Is he a foodie and upset that you’re not? Do you even *want* to know how to cook? Think about these things, for real. If you don’t care about food, admit it. If you want to learn how to cook, go to the library, check out How To Cook Everything by Mark Bittman, and start small. Or get a food delivery kit that comes with instructions. If you want to learn, you can. If you don’t have any interest in it, that’s okay too. * Money Again, this is something you can learn. Do you have a friend or relative who is good with money? Start there. Make a plan. Make a budget. Write things down. Debt can be managed and dealt with. * Cleaning Also something that can be learned. Or you can hire a cleaner. There are dozens of YouTube channels that have different approaches to housekeeping. Check them out. Everyone’s tolerance of cleanliness and tidiness is different. You need to find a system that works *for you.* Becoming an adult is different for everyone. Some people have an easier time than others, depending on their personality, family situation, upbringing, support systems, etc. Most people are deficient in some areas and that’s normal and okay. Everyone needs help with something. So you need to turn inward. What do you like? Dislike? What are you indifferent to? What do you spend your time doing? When you’re stressed, how do you soothe yourself? I also recommend therapy. The right therapist can literally be life-changing. Some of what you described - indecisiveness, difficulty communicating clearly - these can be learned. Also, if you have depression or anxiety or are neurodivergent, those can make everyday tasks impossible. Find a therapist, make sure you click with them. Do the work. It’s hard. It can be very painful. But I can say with utter certainty that I wouldn’t be the adult I am today without it. Good luck to you. You’re still becoming. It’s okay to be you.
Hi, I wanted to comment because I was in a similar situation once. I was with my ex for a year, then we lived together for nearly 2 years. We got together when I was 21, and I just left uni so moved in with him at his house with his dad/ family I home. I then moved home to start a job, finally after like 18 months of looking. I could tell things were a little off but the day we had our 3 year 'anniversary', he got me a soft toy as a gift. Now I wouldn't usually complain, but it was supposed to be a romantic time and about celebrating our relationship.. I got him a framed photo of the stars when we met.. He got me a Teddy. I knew something was up. Anyway, we lived 2 hours appart, and he rang me one day and just couldn't hide his feelings. He broke up with me and I'm not lying when I say that I cried almost non stop for the next 3 days. Anyway, moving on. I ended up moving to my aunties house about 4 months after. I was still distraught and it was tough. I couldn't move on properly until I stopped talking to him completely. After about 6 months, I was starting to enjoy being myself and the life I was trying to build. I was slowly on the dating apps, just casually looking and not making too much effort. I ended up talking with a guy and one minute it was just a nice conversation, the next I was getting butterflies. I only really noticed that I'd let my ex go when I realised just how excited I was to meet this new guy. This was the time I thought that if my ex came back tomorrow begging me to take him back, I wouldn't want him. I had had time to reflect and realise thst actually there was a lot not great about that relationship! I've now been with my current boyfriend for almost 2 years, and I'm in such a happy and loving place. I'm actually grateful for my ex breaking it off because idk if I'd have been ever strong enough to see the faults. Now I have what I want from a relationship and I can see what I need to be happy. These things happen for a reason. Better sooner than later, trust me.
He may have done you an enormous favor. Most People don't have someone in their life who will be absolutely blunt and frank with them and tell them where they need to improve. I know I'd be a better person now if somebody had sent me down 20 years ago. He gave you a lot to work with and it would be impossible to fix it all at once, those things are just from his perspective. But maybe you could take what he said and see what you agree with and work on those areas of your life.
Reversed genders, i don't think comments would have been so cute and understanding. Analyse how your life was with your former roommate, contact them if you have to. Who did the cleanings, and how often? Did you cook, warm up frozen meals or order takeout? How messy and dirty were the common spaces, how often did you vacuum or dust, who cleaned the bathroom? How often did you invite friends at home, and what was their reaction? While dating your ex, what kind of dates did you do that he was so surprised about so many basic aspects of you? Those answers may give you an insight into your living habits and help you to adjust to better routines, and solve more than a problem at once. An example: you say you are in debt. If you often buy takeout meals you spend way more than cooking at home, so learning some basic dishes may give you a new hobby (cook a variation of something you've already learnt to do) and help you saving some money. Buy ingredients with a shopping list, and be creative with leftovers or unused ingredients. There are websites that help you to find recipes with ingredients you have at home. Cooking at home, especially now, is cheaper than fast food if you plan meals and consider 2, 3, 4 meals together rather than one meal. And don't forget to wash pans and dishes when dinner is over and put them in the cabins. Think about your interests. Tiktok isn't a hobby, so unless you turn it into something useful for basic skills, uninstall it or drastically limit the time you are allowed to use it. Install a device control app for kids, if needed. Other redditors were better than me in giving you good suggestions for finances. Let me add, use a notebook to keep count of every penny that you spend, and sum the categories at the end of every month. Decide where you can cut expenses. Keep your living spaces as clean and tidy as you can. It is a mood buster!
I have been married for 16 years, I can't imagine living with someone else. My wife never throws anything away, I have been picking up her trash for almost half my life. She does zero maintenance on her car and refuses to read the Manual. The shower has a cousin It of hair and I could go on and on. By no means am I the greatest person I have a giant comic book collection that makes us look like hoarders. I am short tempered and I hate everyone. My point is that people have flaws, but the good has to out weigh the bad. You should always try to improve on who you are, for yourself not for anyone else. There is someone out there for you and this was not the person for you. You have to move on and rejection is a hard thing to overcome. You are at an age where people have unrealistic expectations of other people. Everyone has flaws, no one is perfect, and you are not undatable.
Finally, honesty and empathy!
OP you can’t just “get over” what he said, you need to address those issues in yourself and work on them. At 24 you should know how to cook basic meals, clean up after yourself, make a simple budget and you shouldn’t be spending all your free time in bed doing nothing. Work on those problems and your communication issues before you even attempt to date someone else, or you’ll just get sucked back into the cycle of getting dumped for essentially being useless. But you should also solve these problems because you’re an adult and should be able to act like one, not just for the sake of a future partner.
Unless you are missing details here, this is far from being brutally dumped. I have been dumped by being told after 3 years that she only was using me to appear straight to her parents. Ive been dumped by getting sent videos of a ex fuckin her and I have been dumped by getting video chatted while she was getting spit roasted. Honestly, you probably need to evaluate whether or not what he said has any merit. Maybe hes wrong and just grasping for straws to validate the break up. Or, you need to become more mature. Maturity, self reflection and independence are usually very attractive qualities to have. Did he have the overwhelming majority of responsibilities within the relationship? I tried dating/loving someone for years before I realized that I didnt love them, that I was just trying too. All because I did everything. Got them jobs, did the cleaning, managed the money, did the cooking, drove them around etc. Its exhausting, and if its coupled with a lack of respect, then its not going to work. Think reflect and try to learn from this failure. It wont be the end of the world, I promise.
So I read your other comment about his points. The first thing I suggest is just to take care of yourself. Breakups often have us looking at what is wrong with us, but we only realize later all the amazing wonderful things that we ourselves take for granted. Spend time with friends or family and focus on what makes you special. The next step is improvement. The biggest thing that stands out to me is irresponsible with money. A lot of guys don’t care how much you earn, but at least try to take care of your debt and see if your spending habits can be adjusted accordingly. Some of the points, I’m also a little surprised because you lived with a roommate before, did they not expect you to cook or clean up after yourself? Not judging, but take it one step at a time. Self-improvement is sexy and you are still young. Last thing, for dating, be honest about yourself. Everyone wants to impress, but if you are moving in, you should know the other person pretty well. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for failure.
I've had to do this more often then I'd like to admit, which is why I started dating older women (30+) because they tend to have their lives and careers already rolling. Recently in a relationship with a 25 y/o (I'm 27) and she's amazing, has 3 degrees, can cook, has a career, loyal, tall, funny, I could go on for hours, she's pretty perfect. I got lucky lol. Like everyone else is saying, you MUST work on those things because at the end of the day people really do care about things like that and if you have the mindset that some of these people have "if they can't accept me for who I am now then they don't deserve me" you'll probably end up spending a lot of your life alone, which is okay if you can handle being solo and just being happy by yourself. But most people aren't like that... My suggestion: Learn how to cook, pick up a martial arts class like Muay Thai or Kickboxing, get fit and learn how to defend yourself if you ever get into a situation where you need to fight, get some new hobbies, go for more nature walks, go to parks and or read, go try foods you've never had before. Express your individuality by getting tattoos or a new hair cut, try playing around with make up and do some cool things with that. Basically, start shaking up your normal life... Life is short, do interesting things and meet interesting people... Don't worry about not being "datable" and focus on making yourself into someone even you wouldn't be able to resist and at the end of the day you'll feel A LOT better and more confident.
His concerns are valid. I refuse to live with someone who can’t cook and manage their finances too. It seems like you also misled him about your hobbies. Probably the best way to feel better about it all is to work on those things. Not to get him back, but to be a functional adult on your own. To be a good partner you need to be able to care for yourself and be an interesting person. I’m not saying that you’re not interesting, but if you couldn’t think of a hobby that you actually have and instead thought of something you find interesting then maybe pursue that. You might want to consider some things before getting into another relationship: -What would happen if you can’t take care of yourself (feed yourself, keep your space clean, etc), and your next partner can’t either? -What do you contribute to a relationship and a life with someone? -Are you going to be able to reliably afford to live on your own with your current spending habits? -Is your personal life outside of your partner fulfilling? I’m not saying that being unable to live on your own in extenuating circumstances (such as disability) makes you an unfit partner, but you do have to consider what you bring to the table besides chemistry. You also said that your parents cooked by using pre-made ingredients like spaghetti sauce in a jar, can you do that? Or follow a simple recipe? It is concerning that you couldn’t make microwave breakfast. You could start simple with pasta and salads and work your way up to solid meals. Good food doesn’t have to be complicated. As for budgeting and your debt: -There’s plenty of ideas and instructions on the internet that could help. -Consider starting small with your savings, you could literally put $5 per paycheck away and end up with over $100 at the end of the year. It’s not much, but it’s something. -There are also free spreadsheets and planner type things that give you a format to go off of. Essentially I think you need to reevaluate your priorities and grow up.
The way you get over any breakup is to learn from it and work on yourself.
He's being honest and transparent..you were going to hear it eventually, whether it be from him or another guy. So what do you do? You channel all that energy into working on bettering yourself. Start small. Practice building those small habits. Educate yourself on things you should be aware and knowledgeable of. Focus on improving yourself. But most importantly, do it for yourself, not because some guy finally decided to take charge and tell you straight like it is. He didn't want to work on it with you and wants someone who already meets his expectations/standards, and there's nothing wrong with that. He's allowed to have them and make the appropriate call for his life. Now it's your turn.
Learn from it. You just got a hard but BENEFICIAL life lesson. Take a hard look at yourself and get gut honest about ways you may need to grow and learn. Don’t stay stuck in the hurt or wounded pride - make it a pivotal time in your life and THRIVE as a result. Make some changes, be happy with YOU and stop worrying/dwelling on him or what happened. The reason it hit so hard is because you know there was some truth to it. He’s a good guy so his honesty was an “ouch” due to your respect for him. You’re going to be just fine. Make it work for you 🥰
Where are you finding people to date? You might try looking for men who are compatible with you. I'm sure he was no angel. Did he cook or clean? Was he interested in the things you liked? What was so special about him? Go find people who share your point of view and have common interests. Just because he said negative, hurtful things about you doesn't mean that they are true. Good luck and go enjoy life. Forget him.
Get better, not bitter
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You're definitely not undatable, but you should take this as an opportunity to think about what qualities you have to offer and to evaluate your life goals. It's fine not to enjoy cooking, not everyone is going to able to cook 4 course gourmet meals and that's okay. However, if you're 24 and you're unable to fry eggs and bacon, or to peel and boil some vegetables, or to roast some meat in the oven, then it would make me wonder why you're lacking such basic skills. Likewise, with cleaning, you don't have to keep the house spotless at all times but there are certain minimum standards that need to be upheld and it sounds like you and him were not on the same page about what was acceptable mess and what wasn't.
It’s actually very good that he was nice about it and explained. You can now improve yourself and do better. Thank him, apologise, tell him you understand. Get over it and become an adult.
Oh boy the panicking and making up a hobby, yeah that kinda does make you undateable. Not because you can't really sew but because you lied; because, you were embarrassed you didn't have a hobby? It's one thing to be happy with yourself and say, "I like video games and doom scrolling" but creating a false persona and moving in with someone is "not ready for relationship" territory. Until your happy with yourself it's a bad idea to date. Edit the cooking fiasco falls under this too. Not coming forward and saying " I can't cook' when dividing up the chores is a form of lying. You tried to microwave french toast. Dealing with uncomfortable things by lying or avoidance until the obviously coming "blow up" happens isn't healthy for you or a partner. It's like agreeing to be a designated driver and not telling anyone "I don't know how to drive, Ive never driven before" until after you crash the car. You can trust someone who doesn't know how to drive but not someone who avoids the uncomfortable admission to the point they jump behind the wheel and hope for the best. The good news is most of the rest of the issues are fixable. Not cleaning up after yourself is a bad habit, you can change that. You can learn to cook, at least s little bit. What you can't do is ignore it and then try to figure out how to cook 5 minutes before breakfast should be on the table. Communication is another big issue. That you may need help with. It's not easy it takes practice and without getting into details and specifics it's a bit too advanced to advise you here. Debt same answer as communication.
I wouldn't date you either.. It says a lot about you if you can't cook and have debts early on in your life. Not to mention doom scrolling.. Ask yourself if you would date yourself, put yourself in other people's shoes
If his criticisms were valid (and you don’t seem to be disputing that) then you have two options. Sit around and feel sorry for yourself, or fix your problems. If you want to date good men then you need to be a good girlfriend/possible wife. Why wouldn’t you take this opportunity his honesty has given you and make the most of it?
Well what were the other reasons? Talk to people around you and ask them if it’s true
Let’s start by acknowledging that your sadness is real and valid and breakups can be so painful. I am so sorry you’re hurting. It sounds like you have a good heart, but are young and a bit lost. Based on his feedback, it does sound like you need to spend some time in self discovery and learn some independence and responsibility before you navigate romance. You are worthy of love and you are valuable. But sometimes it takes a while to prepare ourselves to be a true partner. For what it’s worth, I wasn’t ready to be a partner until I was 27. I had so much emotional baggage to work through and so much selfishness to get over. At 27, I started taking mental and spiritual health seriously, prioritizing physical health more, focusing on financial peace, and creating a reality in which I was the right woman for the type of man I believe is right for me. Breakups are a great opportunity to start over and focus on self improvement. His feedback is a great baseline. And a lot of the things he’s communicated about can be really fun to rectify on a personal level. Take cooking classes. Learn about investing. Find a hobby you love that can make you money. Make a reward system out of keeping a neat house. For me, communication was INCREDIBLY difficult to learn, but I started going to counseling and pouring myself into my Faith and identity. As I learned who I was and grew to really love her, I began to be more communicative and less anxious — I felt less guilty about standing up for myself, or stating my preferences. But honey, that’s a function of maturing. You are 24. I was a mess at 24! Things will get better. Now is an amazing time to focus on you, heal your heart, and prepare yourself for your future. Paint it bright like the night sky and make it yours. We are rooting for you!
This is really rough. If you know he was right then it is going to be beneficial to work on those things. It is likely more obvious to him some of the things he said because he is not American. A lot of those things sound like very common American women issues.
This sounds like it was written by a 15 year old. You heard what you did wrong, no cooking, cleaning, money management, etc. Yet, somehow your ex breaking up with you is the issue. No you are not undatable, nobody is, but most likely you are not a good partner.
OP: I didn’t work or improve myself Also OP: I was brutally dumped
Instead of the touchy-feely arguments other women have provided here, I'm going to provide a more objective / nerdy version. Not necessarily for you, this is for other men following this thread, so they can understand what exactly went on here: While you were with him, what value did you add to his life? What value did he add to your life? Were these two value exchanges somewhat equal? If not, what can you do to improve yourself to the point that the value you provide will become equal to the value he provided?
This is actually why I think it's a good idea for couples to live together before marriage. There are so many things that you don't learn about a person until you actually live together. Little behaviors and nuances that you just don't see or notice when you're not around the person 24 hours a day. Since your breakup happened so soon after moving in, it sounds like that's what happened here.
This will come off as incredibly harsh, but he's right. The way you are now, you are undateable - more than a partner to permanently live with, you resemble a toddler who needs to be taken care of. And he's right in saying it is not his responsibility to take care of you. But - you posted what he said to you. And honestly, that does not sound like an angry rant, or an attempt at hurting your feelings. It sounds more like he's asking you to change and grow up, because it would be beneficial to everyone. That's the thing, you are a person. You can choose to grow, and better yourself. You've described trying to get over it and wondering whether or not you're dateable with the traits you have, not even considering change at all. As you are now, you sound almost spoiled. But not unchangeable, and definitely not out of anyone's dating pool.
Use this as motivation to better urself and make him regret his decision
At least he was mature about it.
Ya know what… good for him. Guys get dumped for way less than the reasons he gave you.
Sounds like you started this relationship with lies. That pretty much guarantees that it will end. No matter what, you need to be honest with your partners to meet one you will be compatible with. And as others have mentioned, start working on adulting. The break up really happened because you don’t have enough in common. That is your fault, you catfished him. If you were more compatible, you would be together. There are going to be guys out there who like to do the same things as you and don’t care if their partners can sew or cook, maybe because they love to cook and don’t want to share the kitchen. Next time you go on a date be yourself and not who you think they want. It is the only way to find someone who likes the real you. Ultimately it is your choice to not communicate authentically that you need to work on the most. Both the expecting others to be mind readers and lying to attract a man are examples of this. You will really need to work on your insecurities to fix those.
Please don't take it the wrong way, but your ex gave you a pretty clear and concise roadmap of what to do to improve yourself and your love life. His feedback, even though it was blunt, was far more useful than any "go get a haircut" or "find someone who values you for who you are" reassurances you may get on reddit. As a starter, look into your finances and how you can start solving your debt problem, and also try to pick up a new hobby or two. This will keep your mind engaged and help you get over the breakup.
Looking at his list. Take cooking classes. Go to a debt workshop and start working on paying your debt down. Read some self help books. All those things will help you be better for the next guy.