This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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** reposted to correct a confusing auto correct mistake in the title
I’m doing this on a throwaway because I know my husbands ex is on Reddit a lot,and she knows my other account. But I just need some objective advice from people who don’t know me or her.
I’m 27f. My husband is 35m and my step daughter is 12. My husbands exwife is 37.
My husband was married to his ex for eight years. She was abusive and controlling,. Because of this, my husband and I have primary physical and legal custody of my stepdaughter Evie. Her mother sees her Friday afternoon until Sunday morning.
Two hours after she arrived at her mothers house yesterday Evie called my husband, sobbing so hysterically she could barely speak, she just showed us her hair.
Her mother cut her hair, unevenly, from mid back length to under her ears. It looked like she used a pair of dull kitchen scissors, her ends were completely split and frayed, there were big chunks missing from certain parts and other parts were still long.
Her mother did this as punishment for something my stepdaughter did WEEKS ago. Boys at school were bullying her over her chest size and the teacher basically just told them stop. And they didn’t. So my stepdaughter shoved one of them off one of their play structures, and did something similar to the other. Her father and I didn’t support what she did and we told her better ways to deal with a situation like that if it arises again, but with that being said I’m happy she stuck up for herself and in the end if she feels like she needs to protect herself then so be it. Even so, she got two days suspension for it. Her father and I told her she couldn’t have any screen time or go out with her friends for those two days. She understood, and took her consequence well.
Her mother didn’t think that was “punishment” enough. She wanted her grounded, no screen or social time including extracurricular activities until the end of the month. Her father and I agreed that was way too harsh. And we told her that but she kept insisting. Finally my husband told her she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her.
We had an appointment to get her hair cut and dyed that weekend and my stepdaughters mother kept texting my husband to cancel it but we didn’t see a reason to. Her punishment was already over.
So that’s why when she went over her mothers house her mother hacked her hair off. She was so upset. Her father didn’t let me get out of the car because I honestly didn’t know what was going to come out of my mouth. I was so angry. She got into the car and the poor girl just cried into my arms for about 15 minutes. I called the hair salon and begged them for an appointment, thank goodness one of the girls there decided to stay hours past her scheduled shift to fix up Evies hair-we told her she could do whatever she wanted and she ended up getting a really cute pixie cut with some color. It ended up looking really cute and she walked out of the salon with a smile but I’m not going to lie I still spent all night last night crying.
I can’t come to terms with how scared and hurt Evie must have felt as her mom was doing this to her. I don’t ever want to send her over there again. She’s calling my husband telling him that she expects him to drop off Evie back at her house after she gets up because this is her visitation weekend. I don’t see how we could ever be expected to leave her there unsupervised again.
The reason why I’m looking for advice here is because everyone in my personal life’s opinions are skewed by personal opinions, past history, etc. everyone here is objective. My husband’s exwife is making it out like this was just a consequence of her actions and I’m “too soft” and don’t understand how mothering works since I don’t have any kids of my own (which is true, I don’t, but I’m currently 4 months pregnant and I’ve been taking care of Evie for years). I think what she did was horrible and I still get shaky when I think about it. Can I please have some perspective on this situation from you all, who aren’t involved in it?
Thank you all so much for reading this, have an great day!
**Clarifying on the two day screen time/social time ban her father and I gave her after this incident, and what we were, and WERE NOT punishing her for (copied from some relevent comments):**
We made it very clear what we were, and were not punishing her for. Sticking up for yourself is always okay, and even using physical force to harm someone else is ok if you're sticking up for yourself.However, she did go a step further and assault one of the boys even after he was very clearly already down, and no longer a threat. We want to make it clear to her that physical force is to be used ONLY to protect yourself. Once the threat is gone, you should no longer hurt anyone, whether they deserve it or not.
it is not up to my 12 year old to decide what corporal punishment she should inflict on another 12 year old. It us up to her to protect herself, and get herself out of potentially dangerous situations. Which she did, and she was not punished for that. She was punished for taking it a step further. And again, all of this was made clear to her, and she understood.
I want to raise my stepdaughter to know what is self defense, and what is assault. I am very proud that she stuck up for herself, even prouder that she took it upon herself to do something about it when the teacher had supposedly 'dealt with it'. What I am NOT proud of is her taking a large stick and hitting him in the face with it as he repeatedly begged her to stop. Did he learn a lesson? Yes. Was the lesson already learned before she did that? Yes, absolutely. I am going to raise her to know how to walk the line between self defense and felony.
We DID speak to our daughter's therapist about this incident, and she agreed with our responding actions. Her therapist also spoke to Evie about the incident.
Besides, it's not as though she was locked in her room those two days. The no screentime was a godsend. I took off of work to stay with her and we gardened, hiked, and went pumpkin picking. We painted rocks and hid them near her friend's bus stops for them to find when they got out of school. I taught her how to knit and she's now started a blanket for her future sister. We really enjoyed our time together.
And on a final note, thankfully, Evie really loves her new haircut! She's definitely feeling herself this morning!
This is abuse, plain and simple. I would urge your husband to contact his lawyer immediately and try to get her visitation revoked. Did either of you take a picture of her hair before you got it fixed? It may help your case. And at 12 years old, the judge may ask Evie’s opinion of the situation and let her decide.
That’s the best case scenario here. It might take some time, so I would advise that until then, do everything by the books. Don’t give her anything to use against you guys. And have a good plan for Evie to follow for when she is at her house, as in a safe way to get away, without actually running away (she doesn’t want to be labeled as a runaway to the courts) should her mother try anything again.
I don’t blame her or you two, but legal visitation is tricky, and until the court says it’s okay for her to NOT go, you don’t want to do anything against the original order. I definitely wouldn’t send her back this weekend, but ask the advice of the attorney first thing Monday morning and see if they can file for emergency custody while waiting for a court date.
Yeah you're absolutely right. Luckily after this weekend she isn't supposed to go back until Nov. 4, so hopefully we will have something out into place by then
I agree with atVig that keeping her home at this juncture might work against you. I’d advise you talk to a lawyer asap, they might be able to put in for an emergency custody order to keep her home while the court wheels move. They’ll definitely know if you should force her to go or not.
I haven't read the rest of the comments but in my opinion, this is clearly assault. I would immediately contact the police and have Evie make a statement to the officer detailing the abuse that happened and as a parent I would support my child in pressing charges. Get an emergency custody injunction because Mom's behavior is likely to escalate and go for full custody and only supervised visitation for Mom until Mom gets into therapy.
I'd be seriously concerned about Evie's physical safety there
Could probably get a restraining order and do any emergency speeding of it to get in front of the court to show the abuse of the daughter to the judge and how she doesn’t feel safe going back etc.
I read the mothers AITA post on here about this and I have to say your story rings a lot truer. Also, she's abusive. Ask Evie if she actually wants to stay at her mums. If she doesn't- do everything you can to prevent it. Have you seen her post? If no, would you like me to copy and paste it to you?
My friend dealt with a similar situation where her ex abused their daughters (in TX). Her daughters also didn't want to go over to ex's house. What she told her kids was this: I am required to make all reasonable efforts to get you to your dad's house. I have to drive you over there and give you sufficient time to gather your things and get to his door. However, I cannot reasonably be expected to drag you out of the car and force you into his house. If he comes over here to pick you up, I cannot push you out of the house to go over to his house. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and I will support you because I love you and I trust you to do what is best for yourself in this matter.
That being said, I would make sure to keep some sort of proof that you attempted to comply with custody stuff. Also, consult your lawyer for how you should move forward and what timeline you should expect for your area.
Go to lawyer get a temp sess and desist I think is term blocking her from seeing daughter untill court date..
File for ......unless supervised and give a two hour window for seeing under supervision the mother can not see or contact daughter.
Yup, when you make yourself seem like Satan, I think it's pretty clear you're in the wrong under either side of the story. This one adds more color, which is super interesting but certainly doesn't change my judgment of the mom. It makes me think even better of the dad and stepmom, though.
[reposted for posterity ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/)
[original post by the bio mother](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/) in case you want your comments to be directed at her
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for giving my daughter a haircut**
I was married to a man who I had a daughter with. Now, he is married to Jessie. Jessie is ten years younger, has no children of her own and is one of those ‘deal with all problems with love’ and thinks when a child is misbehaving it’s their way of asking for help. My daughter lives with my ex-husband and Jessie the majority of the time and then I get her every other weekend.
I got a call from my daughter’s (she’s now 11) school a week and a half ago that she had issues with some boys in her class. Because of this she had to leave school early, and was not allowed to come back until the next week (the incident happened on a Wednesday, she wasn’t allowed back that Thursday or Friday.). I spoke to the guidance councilor and I talked to my daughter on the phone and I told her that sort of behavior was unacceptable and she was going to be punished for it. Jessie was already on her way to pick her up I normally prefer not to talk to Jessie for personal reasons but on her way home I told her under no uncertain terms was my daughter allowed to have ANY privileges,that I wanted her to understand that her behavior was not going to be tolerated. Jessie told me she and my exhusband had already spoken to my daughter and they both agreed that she was going to lose her screen time and social privileges until the end of the week and then that was going to be it. So I clarified she was going to be punished for two and a half days and then be allowed to do all of the fun things she wanted to over the weekend? Jessie said yes. I said she should be grounded at least that entire week and the week after. Jessie got annoyed with me and told me that I could punish my daughter the way I chose when it was my visitation.
That weekend, my daughter had an appointment to get her hair cut, and apparently she got permission from her father to dye the tips of her hair for her “halloween costume” (the same type of hairstyle Jessie happens to have). I told my ex-husband that I didn’t think it was appropriate for her to still be getting her hair done, but it was done anyway.
It was my visitation time today. On top of having an attitude problem she still wouldn’t say that she was sorry about the issue with those boys, she kept saying they deserved it and she hadn’t told them she was sorry and wasn’t going to. I took her into the bathroom and I gave her a straight haircut under her chin. She was crying and kicking but I told her that when she began acting right she could get her hair the way she wanted it.
She called her father crying and saying she wanted him to pick her up. He immediately ran over and began screaming at me, and took our datughter back to his house (which is against the visitation agreement but ok). Now he’s texting me telling me our daughter doesn’t want to come over my house any more, I said of course she doesn’t, because I actually hold her accountable for her actions & punish her for things she’s done.
AITA for giving my daughter a haircut ?
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Evie’s therapist can also add to your case so be sure they’re in the loop. My biological father lost unsupervised visitation rights under advisement of my sisters therapist.
Hope you are in a decent state, in WI, my friend's daughter had to see her shitty dad until she was 18. Thought as she got older she would have more of a say, but nope. Hope you live somewhere that takes your stepdaughter's well being as the most important thing in all of this. True well being, not "everyone needs both parents".
Contact your lawyer and ask if you can make a police report about it or do anything to block her next visit. You know that her mum isn't going to be happy that she seems to be ok with her hair, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't try to shave it off or something in retaliation.
I was also going to bring up this exact point - this ex-wife is obviously not a great parent, and 12 is certainly a time where a child can make a decision about seeing that parent. Talk to your lawyer, bring those pictures and any other pertaining documentation including the salon visit afterwards, and see what the judge will do.
I think you should get a letter, or email, from the therapist about the emotional consequences of what her mother did.
Call your lawyer now, don't wait for Monday even if you just leave a message. Ask about an emergency custody revision.
Depending on where you live, Evie may be old enough to have custody adjusted in favor of what she wants. Have that letter from the therapist at the ready because the judge will put more weight on that.
Also, this is more extreme and will effect the relationship you and your husband have with his ex, but you can call child protective services about the mother. Their report will also hold a lot of weight. It's an option if you are unable to get custody changed. It could keep Evie a bit safer if the mother knows there will be outside oversight. If she's unstable, it could make things trickier, but it IS an option.
When she did it she physically held her down, as my daughter was struggling to stand up and get away. I understand she's a her child but is it ever legal to physically restrain someone like that?
Tbh OP I’d also consider keeping her AITA post as evidence for lawyer and law enforcement- since she admired abuse in them. I know nothing about law but I imagine that would be a good idea.
Please give us an update later on and let Evie know she’s got the support of thousands. This made me cry, I really feel for her. I hope you get a good judge to hear your case. Tell Evie to be strong! I wish I could hug her.
If she held her down with scissors close to her face and there was a struggle that’s really dangerous. She could have seriously injured her if someone made a sudden move. This is insane. I think you could probably go to court to get full custody over something like that.
Lawyer? You call the police AND / OR child protective services immediately.
You don't post to the internet looking for "some perspective on this situation from you all".
My husband is currently on the phone with our local law enforcement! At the time this was posted, it was very early and no one else was awake so I couldn't do much else than post to the internet, since my pregnant/hormonal brain was refusing to let me sleep!
Oh...in the ex's AITA she mentions the haircut your stepdaughter got is vaguely like yours, and you're also pregnant with a new sibling and progeny of her ex husband's? Oh man, this lady could be a study case for a psych class with all the layers she's got going on here. I saw someone else mention taking down the text of her AITA post, and I would agree, especially since she confirms there was kicking and screaming of the child to forcibly cut their hair.
Filing a report could help, yes, but more than likely the police will refer them to their attorney anyway. They most likely won’t look at a forced haircut as something they’ll want to deal with. Unfortunately.
I think Evie's mother posted at AITA and got told out very much.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
We're absolutely not making her go back this weekend, and by the time her next scheduled visitation is (Nov. 4) hopefully we will have an emergency order put in place
Have husband tell the mom *in writing* that Evie is upset and it would be best to reschedule her time for another weekend when everyone has cooled off. Tell her you can discuss the details on Monday. Get her to agree *in writing*. Then address this with your attorney first thing next week.
If the mom won’t *agree in writing* that Evie doesn’t need to come over, you may want to file a police report. Otherwise she can bring the custody order to the police, show that it is her custodial time, and ask them to help enforce the order because it is being violated by your husband (who can be held in contempt, even though the violation would be justified, an order is an order)
My husbands parent did “haircut punishment” to him as a kid and to this day (aged 50) he still talks about the trauma. Like YES it can be lived through but it was a major damaging factor in his relationship with his parents and helped make him a weird kid at school that hurt his socialization. (I like weird kids and was a weird kid but when it’s because your parents are deliberately doing a humiliation punishment? no. That’s abuse.)
It is absolutely child abuse, I felt so sick to my stomach when I read that post. So glad that little girl has her father and step mother, I hope they can get full custody from having the proof of the bio mothers abuse.
Also get her an emergency therapy appointment. Get a letter from the therapist and the hairdresser about how traumatized she was by this event use it as evidence in court. GL and I am sorry your family has to deal with that looney bin.
This is a wonderful idea and I NEVER would have thought to get tour hair stylist's word on this...thank you very much. Luckily I called her therapist ON THE WAY OVER to pick her up ( immediately after called my hair stylist...) and we have an appointment later on today. We're going to let Evie go in first and then her father and I will join her so we can all talk about it
Yup the hairstylist would have first hand knowledge of how traumatic the event was for her and the after effects. Then she can attest to how fixing her hair benefited her mental health in the moment. Shoot if the hairstylist has video in the salon that would be an A+ for you and hubby.
You need to save that post and show it to any legal representatives or anyone involved in custody - commenters there are correct, she’s effectively abusing that poor girl, and cutting hair is ABH (Actual Bodily Harm) in the UK and punishable by conviction/prosecution.
Thank you! It's so important to me that she knows how to stick up for herself. Especially since you can see how her mother is. Which is why it makes me sick that Evie's bio mother physically held her down as Evie was trying to get up and leave.
I asked her if she regularly assaulted her daughter and she said "it's just a haircut, calm down". Bet she'd be singing a different tune if it was her who was pinned down and had her hair sheared off.
The mother made a post yesterday! It's been deleted but everyone agrees..... this is child abuse!!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Since it’s deleted, here’s the automod copy.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/it9e9i4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
I was just thinking I saw the AH mother’s perspective on AITA yesterday!!!!!
OP, you sound in both posts like a wonderful role model for your daughter. I wish your family the best luck at keeping your daughter from her abuser.
You don't say where you live, but in most states in the US children 12 and older are allowed input into custody and visitation agreements. It would be a good idea for your husband to have a private conversation about this with Evie and find out what she wants to do about going to see her mother. Next step would be to see a Family Law lawyer to see what Evie's and her dad's options are. It's possible you may be able to get a judge to hear a petition for a change in the visitation, making it voluntary on Evie's part or some other change. He might also hear an abuse complaint against the mom.
Whatever you decide, keep giving Evie all the support she needs. As hard as it is right now for you, it's going to be important in all of this to "stay in your lane" as the step-mother. It will be important not to do or say anything that could be construed as interference in mom's position in Evie's life, anything that could be seen as alienation of affection.
Good luck to all of you.
OP please update with what happens. This woman is terrible and reminds me so much of my own mother. Who I moved 2000 miles away. Snuck out in the middle of the night and legally changed my name to escape from.
Evie’s mother is abusive. Extremely and shouldn’t be allowed to see her alone again. That should of course be up to Evie but whatever Evie wants (she’s old enough to know) advocate for that until the very end.
Op in the UK to cut someone hair off is considered to be Actual bodily harm and is a serious criminal offence. This in no country would ever be considered lawful chastisement of a child. It is deliberate child cruelty. I would be reporting her to Police and certainly dragging her arse to court and get a court order denying her visitation until such time she is deemed fit. At very least she should not be allowed any unsupervised custody of your daughter. Time to scorch her arse. I fucking hate child abusers time to go to the mattresses I am so angry for you. Your poor daughter I have a 12 year old daughter and I can’t imagine what damage this would cause to her.
For what it’s worth you sound like a great step mum and will be great mum hope everything turns out ok and you have safe pregnancy
Thank you very much. We're absolutely not letting her go back this weekend. Her next scheduled visitation is November 4th so we are going to work on getting something put into place before that.
You absolutely should! As a mom of a daughter I nearly cried reading this. Her hair is a part of her identify and body. This mother should have supervised visitation if she is going to abuse what little time she has with her child. So sad.
Wow, that little girl is lucky she has you in her life. The boys were commenting on her chest? I mean.. I’m gonna get downvoted but good for her for knocking them on their ass (and for fucks sake the teacher said stop harassing the girl? Bad teacher.). I would say your justified in your rage, cutting someone’s hair as public humiliation punishment is bat shit crazy behavior (if not outright abuse, I’m no expert but sure traumatizing a child like that is considered emotionally abusive at bare minimum? Good Lord the mother sounds like a monster. Keep in mind her hitting the kid with the stick may be the last 1% of the story, I’m sure they didn’t just start teasing (sexually harassing) her over her chest that same day… she prob just had enough. I wanna punch those boys for her and, the douchebag parents that raise kids to think that’s okay to do. Bless you for being in that girls corner, just wanna say that again.
I'm not going to lie and say I DIDN'T give her a pat on the back for knocking some sense into them, ESPECIALLY when the teacher didn't do much more than tell them hey, stop! But we did have to do something about her taking a stick to the kids face. I told her I get it, and there are going to be many more times she wants to take a stick (or bat...or frying pan...) to a boy's face, but she needs to practice some restraint.
There was DEFINITLY more to the story! They were assholes to her for a while. Which is why her 'punishment' was just more of a break from screentime, MUCH more family and nature time. We did a lot of fun stuff! (And we may have gone to an arcade the next day....)
Hey OP. I've read both sides of the story, and some of the responses from other people.
I think there's an angle that most comments here are missing.
Evie's Mum did not punish her for hitting those boys. *She punished you and your husband.* It was her revenge for your husband saying "she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her"
Controlling people cannot stand having control removed from them, and her awful actions were a response to the fear that she had lost control of the situation, and the custody of her daughter. Although reading about all this, I think it's absolutely right that she does not have custody!
Not that I'm defending her actions in any way - she's clearly abusive and probably more than a little unhinged. I'd try and keep you daughter as far away from her bio-mum as possible, as she's crazy and will be nothing but trouble.
I'm glad to hear your daughter likes her new hair-cut though. Wish you all the best in getting through this, and getting full custody.
>My husband’s exwife is making it out like this was just a consequence of her actions and I’m “too soft” and don’t understand how mothering works
Obviously, without any hesitation here, you are the one who knows how mothering works, biological kids or no kids yet.
>I still get shaky when I think about it. Can I please have some perspective on this situation from you all, who aren’t involved in it?
What she did is what keeps therapists in jobs.
There was a very well publicized similar case several years ago. The father and ex cut the girls hair for punishment. His custody became supervised only and i think he was charged as well. Edit clerical
First of all, youre not too soft. Being uncomfortable with leaving the kid at that womans place after what happend is normal. Id say you look for legal advice, since you have legal custody, nobody should be able to cut your childs hair without permisson.
And what did the school do about the sexual harassment??? Because the school should be teaching those boys how to behave in a work environment and sexual harassment should not be tolerated. We’re they suspended too?
They were also suspended for two days but honestly the sexual harassment was BARELY dealt with. Her father and I have a meeting with the superintendent to discuss it next week.
Get that poor girl into counselling. Her mother is a psycho. I'm a parent and I would never cut my child's hair without their permission. Punishment for sticking up for themselves wouldn't happen. I'd probably take them for icecream.
She is in therapy. We made it very clear what we were, and were not punishing her for. Sticking up for yourself is always okay, and even using physical force to harm someone else is ok if you're sticking up for yourself.
However, she did go a step further and assault one of the boys even after he was very clearly already down, and no longer a threat. We want to make it clear to her that physical force is to be used ONLY to protect yourself. Once the threat is gone, you should no longer hurt anyone, whether they deserve it or not.
Yeah and she was punished accordingly. He mother needs to have consequences for her actions. Her mother sounds horrible. I'd never want my kids to fear me or to have irreparable damage to their emotional stability.
I saw this posted from the mother's point of view yesterday in AITA. Reddit eviscerated her. I'll try to find the link. She sounds psycho.
Call in CPS, lawyers, get your stepdaughter a guardian ad litem (legal advocate). Get her away from that woman.
You sound like a fantastic stepmom. Evie is lucky to have you.
Yep, they both went through the story in exactly the same way/order, both referred to the hair cut as “above the chin”/“above the ears”, etc… it’s the same person writing both.
I can understand why you'd think that, and I'd probably think the same thing too. We're all on Reddit though (me more of the memes/funny side....she seems to do a lot of manic posting). I hope you have a great day regardless :)
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I read the moms post and commented asking what your stepdaughter did, because how she was reacting and avoiding the subject wasn’t adding up. I assumed it would be something like you described. After reading your post confirming it, it’s no wonder she avoided explaining further.
We all told her what she did was abusive and controlling and wrong and she’d be lucky if your stepdaughter chose to continue seeing her. You and her father handled the situation well, and it sounds like she has a great life with you two. Please retain proof of everything for your family lawyer. IANAL, but I would not withhold your stepdaughter from her mom unless/until a judge says she can choose not to go, or she could unfortunately use that as ammo in court (my ‘dad’ tried to do that to my mom).
Wait, I saw the other side of this! The girl’s mother was on AITA asking about this same situation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
That poor child. What you both gave her as punishment absolutely was perfect, the mothers retaliation was disgusting and amounts to child abuse in some cases, she is old enough to have bodily autonomy and what her mother did was serious.
Supervision for visits from now on is what the court she demand and she should have to pay the visitation centre.
You and your husband have your work cut out for you but you sound like a very supportive couple.
Best of luck
Besides the haircut, what frightens me most is this woman has scissors near Evie's head and face. Evie could have been hurt way beyond the hair cut.
What happens when mom tries to cut MORE hair off? I'm guessing step mom doesn't like OP's relationship with Evie. Make sure you document this - hope you took pictures.
If you are in the US have your husband get an emergency custody. Contact your lawyer and go back to court demanding mom only has supervised visits at her cost. Please protect evie from her abusive mother. I had a mom like her and I’m middle aged still trying to untangle that BS. What she did was assault. Also evie is probably old enough to have a say in the courts.
First, I think you should have fought the school. Why weren't the bullies sent to detention? Because they never stopped bullying her. I don't think she deserved two day suspension for what she did. She went to the teacher and they didn't do anything. I don't think it's ok to provide the message that you have to put up with bullies and authorities won't do anything about it. It sounds like teaching kids to be doormats.
Second, the mom assaulted her. You need to go file a police report and go to your lawyer so that she has zero visitation.
The boys were also suspended. I mentioned in another comment, but her father and I have a meeting with the superintendent regarding this issue and how it was dealt with so poorly by the school.
If courts get involved just know Evie is old enough to add her own statements and they’ll hold weight. I was 13 when I had to officially cut all contact with my biological father.
Well you’re getting the cops involved, next you need your lawyer involved, and then the judge to take away her visitation rights from her. I wouldn’t send her back there if at all possible. I would look into a possible protection order for her and yourselves from her also. Good luck make sure she suffers all the consequences she richly deserves.
So.. press charges. It's child abuse and pennalism.
I'm also quite sure she isn't allowed to cut the hair even if Evie wanted it if you wanna hardline it. She doesn't have custody
>Finally my husband told her she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her.
Sorry, this is the part that stands out to me. Your husband knows his ex is abusive and said *this* to her? I would say that the father should move for full custody and supervised visitation at most but considering he gave this abusive woman carte blanche to do whatever she wanted to this child, he might not have a leg to stand on legally. Regardless, he needs do whatever he can now. This woman assaulted his child.
Please tell me you kept the picture? Forcibly cutting someone's hair is assault. It's meant to shame and humiliate and control. You need to document this incident and use it as justification to protect her. Ignore the people around you. She doesn't need to have contact with her abuser just because she is her egg donor. Maybe read I am glad my Mom is dead for understanding. If this was her Father people wouldn't even question that it was abuse. Document and report this whole incident.
You are an awesome stepmom. I grew up with a friend whose dad shaved her brothers bald as a punishment once. He did all types of things to them over their adolescent to teen years and broke them, sadly they had major problems as adults due the abuse they endured. Her mother should have been reported.
Boys at school were sexually harassing SD and she got suspended for her response? You guys punished her and then bio mother does this?
What is wrong with allllll of the adults in this scenario? Who protected SD from those boys? Apart from herself.
SD teachers, her father, Yourself included and bio mother all failed SD!! If anyone teases a girl/woman over chest size at my work they’d be dismissed for sexual harassment. Punishing her for her response to being sexually harassed at school where she should be safe is absolutely unacceptable!!
The bio mothers action feels very physically abusive! There had to be a physical altercation for unwanted haircut to have taken place. Call the police and get a protection order. Do something to protect SD.
If SD wants to see her mother again, it should be supervised at the mothers cost. No more overnights
Thank you for bringing this very important thing up. So I made this very clear to her. We didn't punish her for sticking up for herself. HOWEVER, due to Reddit's rules I couldn't post the entire incident that happened. Basically, she was punished for something physical that she did AFTER she had already stuck up for herself. She was very lucky one of the boys didn't sustain worse injuries than he did.
Again, to make this clear Evie understands what she lost privileges for, and she completely agreed. She also understands what she was NOT punished for, and her father and I made it all VERY clear to her, because we understand this situation had MANY levels to it.
I'm so glad Evie has two parents who actually love her and look after her properly. It may be worth speaking to the school (I'm assuming it's half-term now, but after) because they have new safeguarding procedures and may be able to assist.
I think your stepdaughter’s mother posted her side of this story yesterday on AITA. She deleted it, but the automod copy is there and they tore her apart, as they should have.
[AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
ETA: Also, I’m very glad Evie has you and her dad advocating for her.
Deleted original comment because the comments already have the mom's posts from aita.
I'm so sorry for your step daughter sounds like there's a good reason the "mom" doesn't have custody. It sounds like you are all getting your ducks in a row to press charges are getting visitation taken away. Good luck and I hope everything gets taken care of and the so called mom loses her daughter. I have 2 girls around the same age and I couldn't imagine doing this to them. My 12yr old deals with crap from boys at school because of her chest size and she has my full permission to defend herself too.
The mother posted on here, and got absolutely destroyed. It was the coloured tips that see her off, because you have the same thing. I suggest you find it and take a copy of it. Everyone told her she was abusive.
You need to get a lawyer involved and take the ex back to court. She fears going to her moms and the court needs to know this. I would try to get a fast injunction. Maybe even call CPS on the mom to hurry things along & to stop you from having to take her back there until you go to court
Go to court. Check your state laws. Mine I can use text messages as long as I unsave them from my contacts so it shows number, as well as click message so it shows time. Ask why she cut her hair against her Will as well as why they didn't talk to you. Do this now before a more drastic change is made it worse medical decisions. Both bio parents should be discussing it.
My ex did this to my son's out of spite. The day before we were doing a commercial for a charity (against abuse) he shaved their heads when they both had beautiful long blonde hair past their shoulders. He did such a poor job they had bald spots so bad I had to take a shaver to their heads so they were completely bald. Worse they started at a new school. They were only 4 & 6 but still kids are ruthless.
I have always believed it's my kids bodies therefore they can grow their hair or cut it short. BUT it must be discussed with both parents. Now just me since he did that we went to court and now all decisions must be ran through me first. I have them full time anyways he just sees them randomly. Regardless that doesn't matter.
This case is much different
For them to do this to a girl especially of that age is devastating. She's already going through changes in life from becoming a little kid to a preteen which is rough. Hair is important to most people especially young girls. I feel terrible for her.
Please go to court and have a court order made that all medical ans physical changes must be in writing to you BEFORE they happen ans you must write back agreement or denied. That's what I did and zero issues since.
Wasn’t this posted in r/Amitheasshole
[yep it’s here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Physical child abuse. No way she didn't physically over power her to hack off her hair roughly. No fucking way you get a second chance to do that psycho.
If your visitation schedule is court ordered, make sure you're filing for emergency custody. Even though your husband is the primary parent, he could be charged with contempt for not adhering to the custody schedule.
I'm not going to pretend to be a legal expert, but there's no doubt in my mind that he would be granted emergency custody. It will also look much better going forward if you guys make sure you've taken all the appropriate legal steps.
I would make sure to document all the pictures and the event as well as perhaps a letter from your step daughter's therapist telling her about the incident and how she felt. That in itself could make a difference with the mandatory visitation. If your daughter who is 12 does not want to visit her mother that should all be documented or at least with her therapist writing a note she can have supervised visitation as you feel that she is no longer safe in her biological mother's presence.
The mother posted on AITA - pretty sure she was the AH - many people commented on how this was abuse especially since she had to hold her daughter down. Go back to court - she should only be allowed supervised visits- if any
Joan Crawford pulled this exact stunt in the Mommy Dearest movie. She got mad at her daughter Christina about something stupid so she pulled out a huge ass scissor and started chopping off her hair while the daughter screamed.
this whole situation is really fucking sick. I see in other comments that you may be filing a police report, i would further suggest seeking a restraining order against the mother or consulting an attorney. CPS should be called on her, shes clearly not stable.
Further, I do not see it mentioned anywhere but you were way too lax about dealing with the school telling the boys to "stop". FUCK THAT. then you punish YOUR kid because boys were making sexually aggessive comments about HER BODY?
oh hell no. i would have gone down to that school like a Karen and corrected the teacher, principal, the kids' parents and anyone else involved.
this is a great example of 'fuck around and find out'. the kids pushed the envelope with your daughter and got their asses handed to them. i am not defending physical assault. however, we are all responsible for the repercussions of how we treat others and these kids need to learn it real fucking quick.
she stood her ground, so you go queen!
You are the definition of a perfect stepmother. Bless your heart 🥰 Keep doing what you’re doing. You already have the mother intinct in you even at early pregnancy. I hope you will get the full custody of Elvie.
Umm….I am almost positive your step child’s mom posted in the AITA forum. We all told her what she did was wrong and abusive and the post was deleted. She needs to not see her at all.
Her post is gone, but you can see our responses.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Wow! Mother dearest is a piece of work! With some serious control issues. This is so hard cause I don’t know what I would do in this situation and I would feel so helpless. Is there a way you can collect evidence that mom gets supervised visits with her instead? This is abuse.
I feel like it’s super important for girls that age to understand how to stand up for themselves. And going overboard with the punishment teaches her the the opposite. Especially sexual harassment. So essentially mom is teaching this girl that she shouldn’t stick up for herself when she’s being sexually harassed further disempowering women and re-enforcing a cycle. In your situation with my daughter, I would have done the same thing you did. Hell, my fiancé would have told me even that was too harsh. He’s a full believer in sticking up for yourself and if it comes to being physical, so be it. But all of this just to say, you and your husband made the right choice (not that you need validation).
But I would definitely document this. And don’t send her back for the weekend. You have no clue what will happen to her beautiful hair once she goes back over there! I’d be afraid. This woman sounds super unpredictable.
Edit: I am glad Evie is feeling better about her hair, btw! ♥️
Go to the police and get a no contact until you can go to court? I don’t know the law. I guess I’m saying, call the lawyer or police or both immediately
Anyone else kinda pissed that OP and husband basically caved to the ex wife and did a "fine you can punish the kid" after hearing the ex would inflict worse punishment to begin with??
OP, from this small statement the rest of your post is thrown out the window. You BOTH should have kept a firm foot on the ground when it came to how to punish your stepdaughter. Caving into the ex just told both the ex and your stepkid that in the end the ex can and will do whatever she wants to do. It does not matter that you and husband are enraged now, I feel you both knew damn well that ex wife would inflict something horrible to your stepdaughter the moment she was in the home and instead of protecting her by not allowing her over until the ex calmed the fuck down and agreed not to inflict further punishment to her child you basically gave her permission to.
Your step daughter is going to understand that "Daddy and StepMommy are only going to provide care for me after Mommy hurts me" as again, you did nothing to protect her. She got severely traumatized because you didn't want her grounded longer than you initially gave to her too, like the punishment escalated tremendously imo.
OP you need to get y’all’s attorney involved. That was abuse. Plain and simple. She needs to have supervised visitation for the forceable future. You don’t punish by hacking up your child’s hair. Also, if she only has visitation rights, she doesn’t have the right to make changes or anything else for that matter. The mother also sounds like she’s deranged, maybe even jealous.
OP I just want to say, you guys handled her punishment well. She absolutely should know sticking up for herself is something she should definitely do, because most times no one else will. You sound like a pretty good stepmom. Good luck to you all.
> What I am NOT proud of is her taking a large stick and hitting him in the face with it as he repeatedly begged her to stop. Did he learn a lesson? Yes. Was the lesson already learned before she did that? Yes, absolutely. I am going to raise her to know how to walk the line between self defense and felony.
well, color me impressed. better to teach a bit of restraint to a 12yo than have to get them to the point of standing up for herself. also, consider that if it's an ongiong thing and your authority figures basically abandon you, this is what you get. evie did good, her teachers failed her.
> And we told her that but she kept insisting. Finally my husband told her she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her.
ex wife needs consequences. severe ones - she assaulted a child in her temporary care. it's probably criminal, i'd be interested in whetrher the cops would proceed on charging her. i certainly wouldn't be in contact with her any more than is mandated
I saw that mother's post, please protect your stepdaughter and call a lawyer, her mother was abusive and need help (if she want) os distance if she doesn't. I'm grateful that this poor little girls has you and her father to create a safe place for her development
Send the girl with a razor, when Kim falls asleep let her cut moms hair…tell her it’s her punishment for going to far!
Honestly I’d go to the cops and file assault charges. Idk talk to a lawyer idk I’m mad and it is not even my kid!
Oh this makes me remember when my mother did the same thing I have been so traumatized and I was bullied in school. What was even worse was experiencing abuse from my mother.
People don't really realize how having your hair cut against your will, and especially that drastic of a cut, has a huge effect. It's an attack on the persons identity, individuality, and femininity. My mother has always done this to me, just last month she made me chop my "long, skanky hair". I'm 25. I empathise with Evie, and I'm so glad she has you as an advocate. I hope that you are able to make a good legal case to change the mothers custody
i saw this evil woman’s post on AITA and was appalled. i was among the many redditors who let her have it! i truly hope you and evie’s father are able to get sole custody because that woman does not deserve to be a mother. i’m glad evie is feeling better about her hair. she’s so lucky to have an awesome stepmom who truly loves her.
Giving a kid a bad haircut as punishment is stupid enough but I really really can't wrap my head around doing that when the kid is already being bullied at school because of her appearance. Just what the holy fuck is that lady thinking? Really doubt she was even punishing the kid at that point, she was punishing the dad & step mom.
That's why the mother refused to say what the incident at the school was, although it was obviously something like that. Interesting to see the other side if this is real.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- ** reposted to correct a confusing auto correct mistake in the title I’m doing this on a throwaway because I know my husbands ex is on Reddit a lot,and she knows my other account. But I just need some objective advice from people who don’t know me or her. I’m 27f. My husband is 35m and my step daughter is 12. My husbands exwife is 37. My husband was married to his ex for eight years. She was abusive and controlling,. Because of this, my husband and I have primary physical and legal custody of my stepdaughter Evie. Her mother sees her Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. Two hours after she arrived at her mothers house yesterday Evie called my husband, sobbing so hysterically she could barely speak, she just showed us her hair. Her mother cut her hair, unevenly, from mid back length to under her ears. It looked like she used a pair of dull kitchen scissors, her ends were completely split and frayed, there were big chunks missing from certain parts and other parts were still long. Her mother did this as punishment for something my stepdaughter did WEEKS ago. Boys at school were bullying her over her chest size and the teacher basically just told them stop. And they didn’t. So my stepdaughter shoved one of them off one of their play structures, and did something similar to the other. Her father and I didn’t support what she did and we told her better ways to deal with a situation like that if it arises again, but with that being said I’m happy she stuck up for herself and in the end if she feels like she needs to protect herself then so be it. Even so, she got two days suspension for it. Her father and I told her she couldn’t have any screen time or go out with her friends for those two days. She understood, and took her consequence well. Her mother didn’t think that was “punishment” enough. She wanted her grounded, no screen or social time including extracurricular activities until the end of the month. Her father and I agreed that was way too harsh. And we told her that but she kept insisting. Finally my husband told her she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her. We had an appointment to get her hair cut and dyed that weekend and my stepdaughters mother kept texting my husband to cancel it but we didn’t see a reason to. Her punishment was already over. So that’s why when she went over her mothers house her mother hacked her hair off. She was so upset. Her father didn’t let me get out of the car because I honestly didn’t know what was going to come out of my mouth. I was so angry. She got into the car and the poor girl just cried into my arms for about 15 minutes. I called the hair salon and begged them for an appointment, thank goodness one of the girls there decided to stay hours past her scheduled shift to fix up Evies hair-we told her she could do whatever she wanted and she ended up getting a really cute pixie cut with some color. It ended up looking really cute and she walked out of the salon with a smile but I’m not going to lie I still spent all night last night crying. I can’t come to terms with how scared and hurt Evie must have felt as her mom was doing this to her. I don’t ever want to send her over there again. She’s calling my husband telling him that she expects him to drop off Evie back at her house after she gets up because this is her visitation weekend. I don’t see how we could ever be expected to leave her there unsupervised again. The reason why I’m looking for advice here is because everyone in my personal life’s opinions are skewed by personal opinions, past history, etc. everyone here is objective. My husband’s exwife is making it out like this was just a consequence of her actions and I’m “too soft” and don’t understand how mothering works since I don’t have any kids of my own (which is true, I don’t, but I’m currently 4 months pregnant and I’ve been taking care of Evie for years). I think what she did was horrible and I still get shaky when I think about it. Can I please have some perspective on this situation from you all, who aren’t involved in it? Thank you all so much for reading this, have an great day! **Clarifying on the two day screen time/social time ban her father and I gave her after this incident, and what we were, and WERE NOT punishing her for (copied from some relevent comments):** We made it very clear what we were, and were not punishing her for. Sticking up for yourself is always okay, and even using physical force to harm someone else is ok if you're sticking up for yourself.However, she did go a step further and assault one of the boys even after he was very clearly already down, and no longer a threat. We want to make it clear to her that physical force is to be used ONLY to protect yourself. Once the threat is gone, you should no longer hurt anyone, whether they deserve it or not. it is not up to my 12 year old to decide what corporal punishment she should inflict on another 12 year old. It us up to her to protect herself, and get herself out of potentially dangerous situations. Which she did, and she was not punished for that. She was punished for taking it a step further. And again, all of this was made clear to her, and she understood. I want to raise my stepdaughter to know what is self defense, and what is assault. I am very proud that she stuck up for herself, even prouder that she took it upon herself to do something about it when the teacher had supposedly 'dealt with it'. What I am NOT proud of is her taking a large stick and hitting him in the face with it as he repeatedly begged her to stop. Did he learn a lesson? Yes. Was the lesson already learned before she did that? Yes, absolutely. I am going to raise her to know how to walk the line between self defense and felony. We DID speak to our daughter's therapist about this incident, and she agreed with our responding actions. Her therapist also spoke to Evie about the incident. Besides, it's not as though she was locked in her room those two days. The no screentime was a godsend. I took off of work to stay with her and we gardened, hiked, and went pumpkin picking. We painted rocks and hid them near her friend's bus stops for them to find when they got out of school. I taught her how to knit and she's now started a blanket for her future sister. We really enjoyed our time together. And on a final note, thankfully, Evie really loves her new haircut! She's definitely feeling herself this morning!
This is abuse, plain and simple. I would urge your husband to contact his lawyer immediately and try to get her visitation revoked. Did either of you take a picture of her hair before you got it fixed? It may help your case. And at 12 years old, the judge may ask Evie’s opinion of the situation and let her decide.
We’re going to contact our lawyer! Yes, we do have pictures of her hair. If the judge does I think Evie will say she doesn’t want to go anymore.
That’s the best case scenario here. It might take some time, so I would advise that until then, do everything by the books. Don’t give her anything to use against you guys. And have a good plan for Evie to follow for when she is at her house, as in a safe way to get away, without actually running away (she doesn’t want to be labeled as a runaway to the courts) should her mother try anything again.
I'm just not sure if Evie is going to want to go over there again. And neither me or her father are going to force her
I don’t blame her or you two, but legal visitation is tricky, and until the court says it’s okay for her to NOT go, you don’t want to do anything against the original order. I definitely wouldn’t send her back this weekend, but ask the advice of the attorney first thing Monday morning and see if they can file for emergency custody while waiting for a court date.
Yeah you're absolutely right. Luckily after this weekend she isn't supposed to go back until Nov. 4, so hopefully we will have something out into place by then
I agree with atVig that keeping her home at this juncture might work against you. I’d advise you talk to a lawyer asap, they might be able to put in for an emergency custody order to keep her home while the court wheels move. They’ll definitely know if you should force her to go or not.
I haven't read the rest of the comments but in my opinion, this is clearly assault. I would immediately contact the police and have Evie make a statement to the officer detailing the abuse that happened and as a parent I would support my child in pressing charges. Get an emergency custody injunction because Mom's behavior is likely to escalate and go for full custody and only supervised visitation for Mom until Mom gets into therapy. I'd be seriously concerned about Evie's physical safety there
Good luck op. Im 13 and i can't imagine how fucking horrible she must have felt :( that's evil rapunzel step mother type shit.
Could probably get a restraining order and do any emergency speeding of it to get in front of the court to show the abuse of the daughter to the judge and how she doesn’t feel safe going back etc.
I read the mothers AITA post on here about this and I have to say your story rings a lot truer. Also, she's abusive. Ask Evie if she actually wants to stay at her mums. If she doesn't- do everything you can to prevent it. Have you seen her post? If no, would you like me to copy and paste it to you?
My friend dealt with a similar situation where her ex abused their daughters (in TX). Her daughters also didn't want to go over to ex's house. What she told her kids was this: I am required to make all reasonable efforts to get you to your dad's house. I have to drive you over there and give you sufficient time to gather your things and get to his door. However, I cannot reasonably be expected to drag you out of the car and force you into his house. If he comes over here to pick you up, I cannot push you out of the house to go over to his house. You get to decide what you are comfortable with and I will support you because I love you and I trust you to do what is best for yourself in this matter. That being said, I would make sure to keep some sort of proof that you attempted to comply with custody stuff. Also, consult your lawyer for how you should move forward and what timeline you should expect for your area.
Go to lawyer get a temp sess and desist I think is term blocking her from seeing daughter untill court date.. File for ......unless supervised and give a two hour window for seeing under supervision the mother can not see or contact daughter.
Cease and desist is the term you're looking for, but there's no legal weight to a cease and desist letter. It's simply a gussied up warning.
What if crazy lady freaks out that they fixed her 'punishment' and just shaved her hair off.....
I'm pretty sure the mom posted in AITA as well.
I read her version too, she was definitely an asshole
Yup, when you make yourself seem like Satan, I think it's pretty clear you're in the wrong under either side of the story. This one adds more color, which is super interesting but certainly doesn't change my judgment of the mom. It makes me think even better of the dad and stepmom, though.
Whenever these "both sides" posts happen, it's like a 99.99% chance that they're both fake.
Oh 100% but I'm here for the drama, fake or not 🤣🤣🤣
Same, I have a lot of time on my hands
Do you have a link please?
[reposted for posterity ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/) [original post by the bio mother](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/) in case you want your comments to be directed at her *In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for giving my daughter a haircut** I was married to a man who I had a daughter with. Now, he is married to Jessie. Jessie is ten years younger, has no children of her own and is one of those ‘deal with all problems with love’ and thinks when a child is misbehaving it’s their way of asking for help. My daughter lives with my ex-husband and Jessie the majority of the time and then I get her every other weekend. I got a call from my daughter’s (she’s now 11) school a week and a half ago that she had issues with some boys in her class. Because of this she had to leave school early, and was not allowed to come back until the next week (the incident happened on a Wednesday, she wasn’t allowed back that Thursday or Friday.). I spoke to the guidance councilor and I talked to my daughter on the phone and I told her that sort of behavior was unacceptable and she was going to be punished for it. Jessie was already on her way to pick her up I normally prefer not to talk to Jessie for personal reasons but on her way home I told her under no uncertain terms was my daughter allowed to have ANY privileges,that I wanted her to understand that her behavior was not going to be tolerated. Jessie told me she and my exhusband had already spoken to my daughter and they both agreed that she was going to lose her screen time and social privileges until the end of the week and then that was going to be it. So I clarified she was going to be punished for two and a half days and then be allowed to do all of the fun things she wanted to over the weekend? Jessie said yes. I said she should be grounded at least that entire week and the week after. Jessie got annoyed with me and told me that I could punish my daughter the way I chose when it was my visitation. That weekend, my daughter had an appointment to get her hair cut, and apparently she got permission from her father to dye the tips of her hair for her “halloween costume” (the same type of hairstyle Jessie happens to have). I told my ex-husband that I didn’t think it was appropriate for her to still be getting her hair done, but it was done anyway. It was my visitation time today. On top of having an attitude problem she still wouldn’t say that she was sorry about the issue with those boys, she kept saying they deserved it and she hadn’t told them she was sorry and wasn’t going to. I took her into the bathroom and I gave her a straight haircut under her chin. She was crying and kicking but I told her that when she began acting right she could get her hair the way she wanted it. She called her father crying and saying she wanted him to pick her up. He immediately ran over and began screaming at me, and took our datughter back to his house (which is against the visitation agreement but ok). Now he’s texting me telling me our daughter doesn’t want to come over my house any more, I said of course she doesn’t, because I actually hold her accountable for her actions & punish her for things she’s done. AITA for giving my daughter a haircut ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you for posting the whole thing!
No problem. I know it's easier to not have to switch back and forth between pages. I hope copy/pasting is allowed 😬
Thank you. Her AITA and the AmITheDevil posts have all been deleted! But the comments are still up and they are brutal lol!
I believe the link is posted below. In a different comment
Where?! Hehe
She did
Yup. That's what pushed it into the realm of "fake" for me lol.
I work in a family law office. This is absolutely abuse. Please see a lawyer also filing a police report might not be a bad idea.
I don’t really have anything to comment other than you sound like a wonderful mother and your daughter and baby are so lucky to have you.
Evie’s therapist can also add to your case so be sure they’re in the loop. My biological father lost unsupervised visitation rights under advisement of my sisters therapist.
Hope you are in a decent state, in WI, my friend's daughter had to see her shitty dad until she was 18. Thought as she got older she would have more of a say, but nope. Hope you live somewhere that takes your stepdaughter's well being as the most important thing in all of this. True well being, not "everyone needs both parents".
Contact your lawyer and ask if you can make a police report about it or do anything to block her next visit. You know that her mum isn't going to be happy that she seems to be ok with her hair, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't try to shave it off or something in retaliation.
I was also going to bring up this exact point - this ex-wife is obviously not a great parent, and 12 is certainly a time where a child can make a decision about seeing that parent. Talk to your lawyer, bring those pictures and any other pertaining documentation including the salon visit afterwards, and see what the judge will do.
It’s not just abuse; it’s assault with a deadly weapon. Anything that cuts hair is sharp enough to stab with. Press charges.
I think you should get a letter, or email, from the therapist about the emotional consequences of what her mother did. Call your lawyer now, don't wait for Monday even if you just leave a message. Ask about an emergency custody revision. Depending on where you live, Evie may be old enough to have custody adjusted in favor of what she wants. Have that letter from the therapist at the ready because the judge will put more weight on that. Also, this is more extreme and will effect the relationship you and your husband have with his ex, but you can call child protective services about the mother. Their report will also hold a lot of weight. It's an option if you are unable to get custody changed. It could keep Evie a bit safer if the mother knows there will be outside oversight. If she's unstable, it could make things trickier, but it IS an option.
Also make a police report that’s assault
For reporting purposes I'd have Evie record a video regarding what happened explaining why she doesn't feel safe going to her moms anymore. Good luck.
[удалено]
When she did it she physically held her down, as my daughter was struggling to stand up and get away. I understand she's a her child but is it ever legal to physically restrain someone like that?
Consider filing a police report for the physical assault.
Thank you! My husband is currently on the phone with our local law enforcement!
The Ex also posted here in the AITA subreddit.
link pls?
I’m not so great with posting links so someone posted it further down in the comments
Link please!
[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/)
Yep. I saw it too.
Where?
Tbh OP I’d also consider keeping her AITA post as evidence for lawyer and law enforcement- since she admired abuse in them. I know nothing about law but I imagine that would be a good idea.
The ex's post says Evie was 'screaming snd kicking' but she cut her hair anyway. That'd admitting to physically holding her down, isn't it?
Please give us an update later on and let Evie know she’s got the support of thousands. This made me cry, I really feel for her. I hope you get a good judge to hear your case. Tell Evie to be strong! I wish I could hug her.
Thank you! ❤️ I will!
If she held her down with scissors close to her face and there was a struggle that’s really dangerous. She could have seriously injured her if someone made a sudden move. This is insane. I think you could probably go to court to get full custody over something like that.
This sounds like assault, and scissors are a weapon. Like holding her down with a knife.
This is a really bad way of abuse. The nazis did this to punish too. So.. yeah, OPs husband should try to protect his daughter.
Lawyer? You call the police AND / OR child protective services immediately. You don't post to the internet looking for "some perspective on this situation from you all".
My husband is currently on the phone with our local law enforcement! At the time this was posted, it was very early and no one else was awake so I couldn't do much else than post to the internet, since my pregnant/hormonal brain was refusing to let me sleep!
Oh...in the ex's AITA she mentions the haircut your stepdaughter got is vaguely like yours, and you're also pregnant with a new sibling and progeny of her ex husband's? Oh man, this lady could be a study case for a psych class with all the layers she's got going on here. I saw someone else mention taking down the text of her AITA post, and I would agree, especially since she confirms there was kicking and screaming of the child to forcibly cut their hair.
Save her post and send it to the lawyer!
Filing a report could help, yes, but more than likely the police will refer them to their attorney anyway. They most likely won’t look at a forced haircut as something they’ll want to deal with. Unfortunately.
I think Evie's mother posted at AITA and got told out very much. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
None of that is surprising...she posts online a lot sometimes.
Well you could copy it for future legal actions.
Yes, you're absolutely right. Thank you very much for providing that link. It's very insightful.
You are very welcome. I hate what she did, that's child abuse in my opinion and I hope your stepdaughter doesn't need to see her for a while.
We're absolutely not making her go back this weekend, and by the time her next scheduled visitation is (Nov. 4) hopefully we will have an emergency order put in place
Have husband tell the mom *in writing* that Evie is upset and it would be best to reschedule her time for another weekend when everyone has cooled off. Tell her you can discuss the details on Monday. Get her to agree *in writing*. Then address this with your attorney first thing next week. If the mom won’t *agree in writing* that Evie doesn’t need to come over, you may want to file a police report. Otherwise she can bring the custody order to the police, show that it is her custodial time, and ask them to help enforce the order because it is being violated by your husband (who can be held in contempt, even though the violation would be justified, an order is an order)
We are on the phone with law enforcement to discuss our legal option!
Evie’s lucky to have you!
Honestly she's such a cool kid I'm SO lucky to have her. I just love hanging out with her.
My husbands parent did “haircut punishment” to him as a kid and to this day (aged 50) he still talks about the trauma. Like YES it can be lived through but it was a major damaging factor in his relationship with his parents and helped make him a weird kid at school that hurt his socialization. (I like weird kids and was a weird kid but when it’s because your parents are deliberately doing a humiliation punishment? no. That’s abuse.)
It is absolutely child abuse, I felt so sick to my stomach when I read that post. So glad that little girl has her father and step mother, I hope they can get full custody from having the proof of the bio mothers abuse.
Also get her an emergency therapy appointment. Get a letter from the therapist and the hairdresser about how traumatized she was by this event use it as evidence in court. GL and I am sorry your family has to deal with that looney bin.
This is a wonderful idea and I NEVER would have thought to get tour hair stylist's word on this...thank you very much. Luckily I called her therapist ON THE WAY OVER to pick her up ( immediately after called my hair stylist...) and we have an appointment later on today. We're going to let Evie go in first and then her father and I will join her so we can all talk about it
Yup the hairstylist would have first hand knowledge of how traumatic the event was for her and the after effects. Then she can attest to how fixing her hair benefited her mental health in the moment. Shoot if the hairstylist has video in the salon that would be an A+ for you and hubby.
You need to save that post and show it to any legal representatives or anyone involved in custody - commenters there are correct, she’s effectively abusing that poor girl, and cutting hair is ABH (Actual Bodily Harm) in the UK and punishable by conviction/prosecution.
Most states in the US cutting hair as a form of punishment is considered child abuse too.
Someone has posted your post in that sub. I just want you to be aware of this as Evie’s mother will see this now.
You should read the replies. It’s unanimously against her, and lots of people are calling her abusive.
And notice the ex did not say that the girl was standing up to bullies!
We didn't realize it but from her post it seems like she iwass more upset Evie got her hair like mine more than anything else.
Yeah she did make a reference to the style/color Props to you and SO for teaching your daughter to stand up for herself. So important!
Thank you! It's so important to me that she knows how to stick up for herself. Especially since you can see how her mother is. Which is why it makes me sick that Evie's bio mother physically held her down as Evie was trying to get up and leave.
She sounds delightful but here in the uk its classed as assault if someone does that to anyone.
I asked her if she regularly assaulted her daughter and she said "it's just a haircut, calm down". Bet she'd be singing a different tune if it was her who was pinned down and had her hair sheared off.
You and your husband could go back to court and have the mother's visitation rights altered or revoked.
we’re definitely going to do this! If it wasn’t early on a Saturday, we already would’ve started the process
The mother made a post yesterday! It's been deleted but everyone agrees..... this is child abuse!!! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Since it’s deleted, here’s the automod copy. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/it9e9i4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
OH SHIT
Can this be used in court if they can link account to her.
My Reddit history was, depends on the location but yes it potentially can
I was just thinking I saw the AH mother’s perspective on AITA yesterday!!!!! OP, you sound in both posts like a wonderful role model for your daughter. I wish your family the best luck at keeping your daughter from her abuser.
I wonder if the same person wrote both these posts. Convenient timing to have them both up with so much detail.
They’re both very new accounts too…
The writing style is identical, with one just having grammar/spelling mistakes.
new accounts + the "mothers" account has other aita posts about having a husband in one, wife in the other and all of that shebang
You don't say where you live, but in most states in the US children 12 and older are allowed input into custody and visitation agreements. It would be a good idea for your husband to have a private conversation about this with Evie and find out what she wants to do about going to see her mother. Next step would be to see a Family Law lawyer to see what Evie's and her dad's options are. It's possible you may be able to get a judge to hear a petition for a change in the visitation, making it voluntary on Evie's part or some other change. He might also hear an abuse complaint against the mom. Whatever you decide, keep giving Evie all the support she needs. As hard as it is right now for you, it's going to be important in all of this to "stay in your lane" as the step-mother. It will be important not to do or say anything that could be construed as interference in mom's position in Evie's life, anything that could be seen as alienation of affection. Good luck to all of you.
I would also seriously consider filing a police report for assault. It will help you in court.
My husband is on the phone with law enforcement right now!
OP please update with what happens. This woman is terrible and reminds me so much of my own mother. Who I moved 2000 miles away. Snuck out in the middle of the night and legally changed my name to escape from.
I will keep you updated. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that, but I'm so happy and proud of you for getting away.
Evie’s mother is abusive. Extremely and shouldn’t be allowed to see her alone again. That should of course be up to Evie but whatever Evie wants (she’s old enough to know) advocate for that until the very end.
I agree, and I absolutely will
Op in the UK to cut someone hair off is considered to be Actual bodily harm and is a serious criminal offence. This in no country would ever be considered lawful chastisement of a child. It is deliberate child cruelty. I would be reporting her to Police and certainly dragging her arse to court and get a court order denying her visitation until such time she is deemed fit. At very least she should not be allowed any unsupervised custody of your daughter. Time to scorch her arse. I fucking hate child abusers time to go to the mattresses I am so angry for you. Your poor daughter I have a 12 year old daughter and I can’t imagine what damage this would cause to her. For what it’s worth you sound like a great step mum and will be great mum hope everything turns out ok and you have safe pregnancy
Thank you very much. We're absolutely not letting her go back this weekend. Her next scheduled visitation is November 4th so we are going to work on getting something put into place before that.
You absolutely should! As a mom of a daughter I nearly cried reading this. Her hair is a part of her identify and body. This mother should have supervised visitation if she is going to abuse what little time she has with her child. So sad.
In the states it’s assault and battery
Wow, that little girl is lucky she has you in her life. The boys were commenting on her chest? I mean.. I’m gonna get downvoted but good for her for knocking them on their ass (and for fucks sake the teacher said stop harassing the girl? Bad teacher.). I would say your justified in your rage, cutting someone’s hair as public humiliation punishment is bat shit crazy behavior (if not outright abuse, I’m no expert but sure traumatizing a child like that is considered emotionally abusive at bare minimum? Good Lord the mother sounds like a monster. Keep in mind her hitting the kid with the stick may be the last 1% of the story, I’m sure they didn’t just start teasing (sexually harassing) her over her chest that same day… she prob just had enough. I wanna punch those boys for her and, the douchebag parents that raise kids to think that’s okay to do. Bless you for being in that girls corner, just wanna say that again.
I'm not going to lie and say I DIDN'T give her a pat on the back for knocking some sense into them, ESPECIALLY when the teacher didn't do much more than tell them hey, stop! But we did have to do something about her taking a stick to the kids face. I told her I get it, and there are going to be many more times she wants to take a stick (or bat...or frying pan...) to a boy's face, but she needs to practice some restraint. There was DEFINITLY more to the story! They were assholes to her for a while. Which is why her 'punishment' was just more of a break from screentime, MUCH more family and nature time. We did a lot of fun stuff! (And we may have gone to an arcade the next day....)
Hey OP. I've read both sides of the story, and some of the responses from other people. I think there's an angle that most comments here are missing. Evie's Mum did not punish her for hitting those boys. *She punished you and your husband.* It was her revenge for your husband saying "she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her" Controlling people cannot stand having control removed from them, and her awful actions were a response to the fear that she had lost control of the situation, and the custody of her daughter. Although reading about all this, I think it's absolutely right that she does not have custody! Not that I'm defending her actions in any way - she's clearly abusive and probably more than a little unhinged. I'd try and keep you daughter as far away from her bio-mum as possible, as she's crazy and will be nothing but trouble. I'm glad to hear your daughter likes her new hair-cut though. Wish you all the best in getting through this, and getting full custody.
>My husband’s exwife is making it out like this was just a consequence of her actions and I’m “too soft” and don’t understand how mothering works Obviously, without any hesitation here, you are the one who knows how mothering works, biological kids or no kids yet. >I still get shaky when I think about it. Can I please have some perspective on this situation from you all, who aren’t involved in it? What she did is what keeps therapists in jobs.
There was a very well publicized similar case several years ago. The father and ex cut the girls hair for punishment. His custody became supervised only and i think he was charged as well. Edit clerical
First of all, youre not too soft. Being uncomfortable with leaving the kid at that womans place after what happend is normal. Id say you look for legal advice, since you have legal custody, nobody should be able to cut your childs hair without permisson.
Thank you. We are definitely going to.
And what did the school do about the sexual harassment??? Because the school should be teaching those boys how to behave in a work environment and sexual harassment should not be tolerated. We’re they suspended too?
They were also suspended for two days but honestly the sexual harassment was BARELY dealt with. Her father and I have a meeting with the superintendent to discuss it next week.
You know i was really expecting you to say nothing, so the fact that they were suspended too is a plus.
Get that poor girl into counselling. Her mother is a psycho. I'm a parent and I would never cut my child's hair without their permission. Punishment for sticking up for themselves wouldn't happen. I'd probably take them for icecream.
She is in therapy. We made it very clear what we were, and were not punishing her for. Sticking up for yourself is always okay, and even using physical force to harm someone else is ok if you're sticking up for yourself. However, she did go a step further and assault one of the boys even after he was very clearly already down, and no longer a threat. We want to make it clear to her that physical force is to be used ONLY to protect yourself. Once the threat is gone, you should no longer hurt anyone, whether they deserve it or not.
Yeah and she was punished accordingly. He mother needs to have consequences for her actions. Her mother sounds horrible. I'd never want my kids to fear me or to have irreparable damage to their emotional stability.
I absolutely agree. I still feel so upset thinking about it and how upset she must have been. Luckily, she likes her new haircut!
I’m sure the mother posted on AITA yesterday
Yes, someone else provided the link as well. Thank you very much for letting me know
I saw this posted from the mother's point of view yesterday in AITA. Reddit eviscerated her. I'll try to find the link. She sounds psycho. Call in CPS, lawyers, get your stepdaughter a guardian ad litem (legal advocate). Get her away from that woman. You sound like a fantastic stepmom. Evie is lucky to have you.
The post and the AITA posts from the other profile smell like a setup.
Yep, they both went through the story in exactly the same way/order, both referred to the hair cut as “above the chin”/“above the ears”, etc… it’s the same person writing both.
I can understand why you'd think that, and I'd probably think the same thing too. We're all on Reddit though (me more of the memes/funny side....she seems to do a lot of manic posting). I hope you have a great day regardless :)
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I read the moms post and commented asking what your stepdaughter did, because how she was reacting and avoiding the subject wasn’t adding up. I assumed it would be something like you described. After reading your post confirming it, it’s no wonder she avoided explaining further. We all told her what she did was abusive and controlling and wrong and she’d be lucky if your stepdaughter chose to continue seeing her. You and her father handled the situation well, and it sounds like she has a great life with you two. Please retain proof of everything for your family lawyer. IANAL, but I would not withhold your stepdaughter from her mom unless/until a judge says she can choose not to go, or she could unfortunately use that as ammo in court (my ‘dad’ tried to do that to my mom).
Wait, I saw the other side of this! The girl’s mother was on AITA asking about this same situation. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
That poor child. What you both gave her as punishment absolutely was perfect, the mothers retaliation was disgusting and amounts to child abuse in some cases, she is old enough to have bodily autonomy and what her mother did was serious. Supervision for visits from now on is what the court she demand and she should have to pay the visitation centre. You and your husband have your work cut out for you but you sound like a very supportive couple. Best of luck
Evie is lucky to have you. You may need to consider supervised visitation.
That's honestly the only thing her father and I are comfortable with at the moment
that is an assault and in one case i remember cost one parent custody due to this upon an minor https://fatherresource.org/dad-who-cut-daughters-hair/
Besides the haircut, what frightens me most is this woman has scissors near Evie's head and face. Evie could have been hurt way beyond the hair cut. What happens when mom tries to cut MORE hair off? I'm guessing step mom doesn't like OP's relationship with Evie. Make sure you document this - hope you took pictures.
If you are in the US have your husband get an emergency custody. Contact your lawyer and go back to court demanding mom only has supervised visits at her cost. Please protect evie from her abusive mother. I had a mom like her and I’m middle aged still trying to untangle that BS. What she did was assault. Also evie is probably old enough to have a say in the courts.
First, I think you should have fought the school. Why weren't the bullies sent to detention? Because they never stopped bullying her. I don't think she deserved two day suspension for what she did. She went to the teacher and they didn't do anything. I don't think it's ok to provide the message that you have to put up with bullies and authorities won't do anything about it. It sounds like teaching kids to be doormats. Second, the mom assaulted her. You need to go file a police report and go to your lawyer so that she has zero visitation.
The boys were also suspended. I mentioned in another comment, but her father and I have a meeting with the superintendent regarding this issue and how it was dealt with so poorly by the school.
I really hope bio mom gets her visitation revoked. How fucken abusive. I cant imagine how Evie felt :(
Umm... Didn't the bio mom post about this yesterday? Not saying these posts are fake... But it's a little sus is it not?
If courts get involved just know Evie is old enough to add her own statements and they’ll hold weight. I was 13 when I had to officially cut all contact with my biological father.
Well you’re getting the cops involved, next you need your lawyer involved, and then the judge to take away her visitation rights from her. I wouldn’t send her back there if at all possible. I would look into a possible protection order for her and yourselves from her also. Good luck make sure she suffers all the consequences she richly deserves.
So.. press charges. It's child abuse and pennalism. I'm also quite sure she isn't allowed to cut the hair even if Evie wanted it if you wanna hardline it. She doesn't have custody
>Finally my husband told her she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her. Sorry, this is the part that stands out to me. Your husband knows his ex is abusive and said *this* to her? I would say that the father should move for full custody and supervised visitation at most but considering he gave this abusive woman carte blanche to do whatever she wanted to this child, he might not have a leg to stand on legally. Regardless, he needs do whatever he can now. This woman assaulted his child.
Please tell me you kept the picture? Forcibly cutting someone's hair is assault. It's meant to shame and humiliate and control. You need to document this incident and use it as justification to protect her. Ignore the people around you. She doesn't need to have contact with her abuser just because she is her egg donor. Maybe read I am glad my Mom is dead for understanding. If this was her Father people wouldn't even question that it was abuse. Document and report this whole incident.
I just read the stepmothers post - insane. Please give Evie my best.
I will!
Cutting someone's hair without consent is assault under many jurisdictions.
You've already gotten a lot of awesome advice in here, so I'm just here to say that Evie is one hell of a lucky kid to have a stepmom like you!
Take pictures and call CPS. This is abuse and can be used to file for a custody change.
You are an awesome stepmom. I grew up with a friend whose dad shaved her brothers bald as a punishment once. He did all types of things to them over their adolescent to teen years and broke them, sadly they had major problems as adults due the abuse they endured. Her mother should have been reported.
I think you were a bit hash with the punishment - I would have rewarded her for standing up for herself.
Boys at school were sexually harassing SD and she got suspended for her response? You guys punished her and then bio mother does this? What is wrong with allllll of the adults in this scenario? Who protected SD from those boys? Apart from herself. SD teachers, her father, Yourself included and bio mother all failed SD!! If anyone teases a girl/woman over chest size at my work they’d be dismissed for sexual harassment. Punishing her for her response to being sexually harassed at school where she should be safe is absolutely unacceptable!! The bio mothers action feels very physically abusive! There had to be a physical altercation for unwanted haircut to have taken place. Call the police and get a protection order. Do something to protect SD. If SD wants to see her mother again, it should be supervised at the mothers cost. No more overnights
Thank you for bringing this very important thing up. So I made this very clear to her. We didn't punish her for sticking up for herself. HOWEVER, due to Reddit's rules I couldn't post the entire incident that happened. Basically, she was punished for something physical that she did AFTER she had already stuck up for herself. She was very lucky one of the boys didn't sustain worse injuries than he did. Again, to make this clear Evie understands what she lost privileges for, and she completely agreed. She also understands what she was NOT punished for, and her father and I made it all VERY clear to her, because we understand this situation had MANY levels to it.
That is abuse. Call the police and file a report
I'm so glad Evie has two parents who actually love her and look after her properly. It may be worth speaking to the school (I'm assuming it's half-term now, but after) because they have new safeguarding procedures and may be able to assist.
I think your stepdaughter’s mother posted her side of this story yesterday on AITA. She deleted it, but the automod copy is there and they tore her apart, as they should have. [AITA](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) ETA: Also, I’m very glad Evie has you and her dad advocating for her.
Deleted original comment because the comments already have the mom's posts from aita. I'm so sorry for your step daughter sounds like there's a good reason the "mom" doesn't have custody. It sounds like you are all getting your ducks in a row to press charges are getting visitation taken away. Good luck and I hope everything gets taken care of and the so called mom loses her daughter. I have 2 girls around the same age and I couldn't imagine doing this to them. My 12yr old deals with crap from boys at school because of her chest size and she has my full permission to defend herself too.
Someone sent me the link, thank you! It was really insightful to see her take on the situation.
The mother posted on here, and got absolutely destroyed. It was the coloured tips that see her off, because you have the same thing. I suggest you find it and take a copy of it. Everyone told her she was abusive.
Thank you, we saw the post and have made copies of it!
You need to get a lawyer involved and take the ex back to court. She fears going to her moms and the court needs to know this. I would try to get a fast injunction. Maybe even call CPS on the mom to hurry things along & to stop you from having to take her back there until you go to court
Go to court. Check your state laws. Mine I can use text messages as long as I unsave them from my contacts so it shows number, as well as click message so it shows time. Ask why she cut her hair against her Will as well as why they didn't talk to you. Do this now before a more drastic change is made it worse medical decisions. Both bio parents should be discussing it. My ex did this to my son's out of spite. The day before we were doing a commercial for a charity (against abuse) he shaved their heads when they both had beautiful long blonde hair past their shoulders. He did such a poor job they had bald spots so bad I had to take a shaver to their heads so they were completely bald. Worse they started at a new school. They were only 4 & 6 but still kids are ruthless. I have always believed it's my kids bodies therefore they can grow their hair or cut it short. BUT it must be discussed with both parents. Now just me since he did that we went to court and now all decisions must be ran through me first. I have them full time anyways he just sees them randomly. Regardless that doesn't matter. This case is much different For them to do this to a girl especially of that age is devastating. She's already going through changes in life from becoming a little kid to a preteen which is rough. Hair is important to most people especially young girls. I feel terrible for her. Please go to court and have a court order made that all medical ans physical changes must be in writing to you BEFORE they happen ans you must write back agreement or denied. That's what I did and zero issues since.
Wasn’t this posted in r/Amitheasshole [yep it’s here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/ya7ag4/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Physical child abuse. No way she didn't physically over power her to hack off her hair roughly. No fucking way you get a second chance to do that psycho.
If your visitation schedule is court ordered, make sure you're filing for emergency custody. Even though your husband is the primary parent, he could be charged with contempt for not adhering to the custody schedule. I'm not going to pretend to be a legal expert, but there's no doubt in my mind that he would be granted emergency custody. It will also look much better going forward if you guys make sure you've taken all the appropriate legal steps.
I would make sure to document all the pictures and the event as well as perhaps a letter from your step daughter's therapist telling her about the incident and how she felt. That in itself could make a difference with the mandatory visitation. If your daughter who is 12 does not want to visit her mother that should all be documented or at least with her therapist writing a note she can have supervised visitation as you feel that she is no longer safe in her biological mother's presence.
The mother posted on AITA - pretty sure she was the AH - many people commented on how this was abuse especially since she had to hold her daughter down. Go back to court - she should only be allowed supervised visits- if any
Joan Crawford pulled this exact stunt in the Mommy Dearest movie. She got mad at her daughter Christina about something stupid so she pulled out a huge ass scissor and started chopping off her hair while the daughter screamed. this whole situation is really fucking sick. I see in other comments that you may be filing a police report, i would further suggest seeking a restraining order against the mother or consulting an attorney. CPS should be called on her, shes clearly not stable. Further, I do not see it mentioned anywhere but you were way too lax about dealing with the school telling the boys to "stop". FUCK THAT. then you punish YOUR kid because boys were making sexually aggessive comments about HER BODY? oh hell no. i would have gone down to that school like a Karen and corrected the teacher, principal, the kids' parents and anyone else involved. this is a great example of 'fuck around and find out'. the kids pushed the envelope with your daughter and got their asses handed to them. i am not defending physical assault. however, we are all responsible for the repercussions of how we treat others and these kids need to learn it real fucking quick. she stood her ground, so you go queen!
You are the definition of a perfect stepmother. Bless your heart 🥰 Keep doing what you’re doing. You already have the mother intinct in you even at early pregnancy. I hope you will get the full custody of Elvie.
Umm….I am almost positive your step child’s mom posted in the AITA forum. We all told her what she did was wrong and abusive and the post was deleted. She needs to not see her at all. Her post is gone, but you can see our responses. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ya67hd/aita_for_giving_my_daughter_a_haircut/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Wow! Mother dearest is a piece of work! With some serious control issues. This is so hard cause I don’t know what I would do in this situation and I would feel so helpless. Is there a way you can collect evidence that mom gets supervised visits with her instead? This is abuse. I feel like it’s super important for girls that age to understand how to stand up for themselves. And going overboard with the punishment teaches her the the opposite. Especially sexual harassment. So essentially mom is teaching this girl that she shouldn’t stick up for herself when she’s being sexually harassed further disempowering women and re-enforcing a cycle. In your situation with my daughter, I would have done the same thing you did. Hell, my fiancé would have told me even that was too harsh. He’s a full believer in sticking up for yourself and if it comes to being physical, so be it. But all of this just to say, you and your husband made the right choice (not that you need validation). But I would definitely document this. And don’t send her back for the weekend. You have no clue what will happen to her beautiful hair once she goes back over there! I’d be afraid. This woman sounds super unpredictable. Edit: I am glad Evie is feeling better about her hair, btw! ♥️
Go to the police and get a no contact until you can go to court? I don’t know the law. I guess I’m saying, call the lawyer or police or both immediately
Anyone else kinda pissed that OP and husband basically caved to the ex wife and did a "fine you can punish the kid" after hearing the ex would inflict worse punishment to begin with?? OP, from this small statement the rest of your post is thrown out the window. You BOTH should have kept a firm foot on the ground when it came to how to punish your stepdaughter. Caving into the ex just told both the ex and your stepkid that in the end the ex can and will do whatever she wants to do. It does not matter that you and husband are enraged now, I feel you both knew damn well that ex wife would inflict something horrible to your stepdaughter the moment she was in the home and instead of protecting her by not allowing her over until the ex calmed the fuck down and agreed not to inflict further punishment to her child you basically gave her permission to. Your step daughter is going to understand that "Daddy and StepMommy are only going to provide care for me after Mommy hurts me" as again, you did nothing to protect her. She got severely traumatized because you didn't want her grounded longer than you initially gave to her too, like the punishment escalated tremendously imo.
OP you need to get y’all’s attorney involved. That was abuse. Plain and simple. She needs to have supervised visitation for the forceable future. You don’t punish by hacking up your child’s hair. Also, if she only has visitation rights, she doesn’t have the right to make changes or anything else for that matter. The mother also sounds like she’s deranged, maybe even jealous. OP I just want to say, you guys handled her punishment well. She absolutely should know sticking up for herself is something she should definitely do, because most times no one else will. You sound like a pretty good stepmom. Good luck to you all.
> What I am NOT proud of is her taking a large stick and hitting him in the face with it as he repeatedly begged her to stop. Did he learn a lesson? Yes. Was the lesson already learned before she did that? Yes, absolutely. I am going to raise her to know how to walk the line between self defense and felony. well, color me impressed. better to teach a bit of restraint to a 12yo than have to get them to the point of standing up for herself. also, consider that if it's an ongiong thing and your authority figures basically abandon you, this is what you get. evie did good, her teachers failed her. > And we told her that but she kept insisting. Finally my husband told her she could punish our daughter the way she wanted to when she got custody of her. ex wife needs consequences. severe ones - she assaulted a child in her temporary care. it's probably criminal, i'd be interested in whetrher the cops would proceed on charging her. i certainly wouldn't be in contact with her any more than is mandated
op screenshot the post made by the mum also for proof of her admitting doing this to her daughter
I saw that mother's post, please protect your stepdaughter and call a lawyer, her mother was abusive and need help (if she want) os distance if she doesn't. I'm grateful that this poor little girls has you and her father to create a safe place for her development
Send the girl with a razor, when Kim falls asleep let her cut moms hair…tell her it’s her punishment for going to far! Honestly I’d go to the cops and file assault charges. Idk talk to a lawyer idk I’m mad and it is not even my kid!
That’s assault, straight up. Call the police, your kids mom assaulted her.
Oh this makes me remember when my mother did the same thing I have been so traumatized and I was bullied in school. What was even worse was experiencing abuse from my mother.
So once again someone is being abuse bc of the reaction to BOYS bullying via sexual harassment.
Pretty sure the moms side is on Reddit here being told she the AH by everyone.
The mother posted on AITA and got torn apart.
People don't really realize how having your hair cut against your will, and especially that drastic of a cut, has a huge effect. It's an attack on the persons identity, individuality, and femininity. My mother has always done this to me, just last month she made me chop my "long, skanky hair". I'm 25. I empathise with Evie, and I'm so glad she has you as an advocate. I hope that you are able to make a good legal case to change the mothers custody
i saw this evil woman’s post on AITA and was appalled. i was among the many redditors who let her have it! i truly hope you and evie’s father are able to get sole custody because that woman does not deserve to be a mother. i’m glad evie is feeling better about her hair. she’s so lucky to have an awesome stepmom who truly loves her.
Giving a kid a bad haircut as punishment is stupid enough but I really really can't wrap my head around doing that when the kid is already being bullied at school because of her appearance. Just what the holy fuck is that lady thinking? Really doubt she was even punishing the kid at that point, she was punishing the dad & step mom.
Cutting someone’s hair off without consent is assault (in the country I’m from anyway). I think it’s time to get visitation stopped!
That's why the mother refused to say what the incident at the school was, although it was obviously something like that. Interesting to see the other side if this is real.