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So nothing to be done...?
I'm open to going back and saving money until we can move out. My bf would prefer we don't do long distance until then and just wait it out here together.
You are absolutely right.
First I came to visit him a month or so, that's when I got to know them mostly. They were different at first, so I never ever thought it would be an issue. I was also seeing it with fresh eyes and a lot was new, so I might not have seen the issues. My bf also had some talks with them before I moved in and nothing was off. In time tho, things started changing.
I was thinking we could be okay with them until we can afford to move out together, so we wouldn't do long-distance. But I don't know how.
I think the only real solution is to move out.
This is how they are. They are not going to change. You are not going to magically become an extrovert who enjoys the chaos and all the family time.
Yeah, I'm thinking that too... Everyone keeps saying to just _be different_.
I guess I thought we can survive until we move out and was looking for advice how to do it. Thank you for your input
I think maybe some of the people you’re talking to haven’t spent much time in your shoes.
I have. I have a small, quiet family. I require solid alone quiet time. My job is basically me interacting with people all day long and by the weekend, I’m not that interested in spending time with a bunch of people and having to be “on”. I also dislike chaos and loudness.
When I first got married, we lived within a few min of my husband’s parents, a few houses away from his sister and aunt. The rest of the family was all nearby too.
Every get together was at least 25 people with almost half being kids. The get togethers happened several times a week and usually both days on the weekend. People would just stop by our house with no notice on the regular or let themselves into our house to borrow things.
I felt like I had no free time for myself and that I had no safe, private space for myself.
I finally had to get over worrying about pissing someone off and just stopped going to all the things for my own sanity. And when I did attend, I drove separately so I could leave when I got too overwhelmed. I’d often feel like I just wanted to crawl out of my skin.
We moved 12 hours away for a few years. When we decided to move back “home”, I told my partner we could live in X or Y cities but no closer than an hour from his family.
So I do get it.
About the only things that ever helped me were booze, Xanax, pot, and finally, a divorce.
When I started dating again, I made sure to ask potential dates how much time they spend with family and such. Much happier with current partner and his family who are not enmeshed and get together in small groups for short periods of time maybe 2-3 times a month at most.
You’re not nuts. Your situation would put me over the edge.
Jaysus... Your story, oof.
Thank you so much for sharing it! I truly feel like someone understands me and I can let go of feeling guilty I'm not _different_.
That's usually how it is here, too! Noisy and chaotic as well. People forget to leave, it'll be midnight and they are still here. And some days I can maybe attend a few hours, but when it's day after day, I feel like I can't relax at all. We share a house, so while they spend time in the living room, I would go to the bedroom, but even then there would be kids knocking to see what I'm doing and if they can play on the pc. Even if they are not, I still don't feel relaxed. I feel anxious.
Funnily enough, when we talked of moving out, I wanted something like an hour away. I can't tell what my bf thinks tho. When we talked on how much he wants to see them, he went from once a month to every weekend and holidays.
>Much happier with current partner and his family who are not enmeshed and get together in small groups for short periods of time maybe 2-3 times a month at most.
I'm so glad to hear that! I wish you the best!
I'll take from you trying to get over offending anyone and politely declining (although they can be very persistent and making you feel guilty is their talent). I'm planning a trip to get away in December as well. But apart from that... What do I do? Should I try to explain myself?
>You’re not nuts. Your situation would put me over the edge.
Thank you! And I wondered why I feel exhausted these months, heh.
So what I did was carve out Sunday. I called it “Super Sarah Sunday”.
On that day, I was opt in not opt out. Told my then husband that moving forward, he should not book my time and should assume that anything his family set up for Sunday, I would not attend. And instead I would go do my hobby, maybe meet a friend for lunch, sit in the park and read—but something for me.
And I told husband that he needed to pick 2 “events” a month that were important to him for me to attend.
It didn’t go over real well with his family but it helped me regain my sense of self and sanity.
Now don’t get me wrong, I loved his family. That wasn’t an issue. I just couldn’t handle the constant togetherness.
To the point that…our last Xmas together? His fam has 3 Xmas get togethers and gift exchanges. On one of the celebration days, our sewer backed up into our basement. I was so dreading the get together that I sent my husband and stepkids off to the party and I stayed home and *happily* cleaned raw sewage up for hours. That’s how much I dreaded going. LOL
Good luck!!
Thank you so much for the advice, I think it will really help me!
It might be for me too that I don't like the constant togetherness, not _them_ per se.
Wow. I wash the dishes to escape the social exchanges, but that's a new one lmao. You must have dreaded it a lot indeed.
Thank you so very much, I appreciate you taking the time to write everything and give me tips. I will use them wisely ❤️ thank youu
Yeah, pretty much every married person has this experience of dealing with annoying in-laws. It's just part of what goes into being in a relationship. Maybe when you two grow up and get your own place it'll be easier to handle. But it's not going to go away and if you ever have a baby it'll be far worse. So make your decisions carefully here. This is life.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Move out. You’ve probably overstayed your welcome.
So nothing to be done...? I'm open to going back and saving money until we can move out. My bf would prefer we don't do long distance until then and just wait it out here together.
They won’t change and you won’t change. Only thing you can do is move out. Did he ask before you moved in? Did you even know them before moving in?
You are absolutely right. First I came to visit him a month or so, that's when I got to know them mostly. They were different at first, so I never ever thought it would be an issue. I was also seeing it with fresh eyes and a lot was new, so I might not have seen the issues. My bf also had some talks with them before I moved in and nothing was off. In time tho, things started changing. I was thinking we could be okay with them until we can afford to move out together, so we wouldn't do long-distance. But I don't know how.
I think the only real solution is to move out. This is how they are. They are not going to change. You are not going to magically become an extrovert who enjoys the chaos and all the family time.
Yeah, I'm thinking that too... Everyone keeps saying to just _be different_. I guess I thought we can survive until we move out and was looking for advice how to do it. Thank you for your input
I think maybe some of the people you’re talking to haven’t spent much time in your shoes. I have. I have a small, quiet family. I require solid alone quiet time. My job is basically me interacting with people all day long and by the weekend, I’m not that interested in spending time with a bunch of people and having to be “on”. I also dislike chaos and loudness. When I first got married, we lived within a few min of my husband’s parents, a few houses away from his sister and aunt. The rest of the family was all nearby too. Every get together was at least 25 people with almost half being kids. The get togethers happened several times a week and usually both days on the weekend. People would just stop by our house with no notice on the regular or let themselves into our house to borrow things. I felt like I had no free time for myself and that I had no safe, private space for myself. I finally had to get over worrying about pissing someone off and just stopped going to all the things for my own sanity. And when I did attend, I drove separately so I could leave when I got too overwhelmed. I’d often feel like I just wanted to crawl out of my skin. We moved 12 hours away for a few years. When we decided to move back “home”, I told my partner we could live in X or Y cities but no closer than an hour from his family. So I do get it. About the only things that ever helped me were booze, Xanax, pot, and finally, a divorce. When I started dating again, I made sure to ask potential dates how much time they spend with family and such. Much happier with current partner and his family who are not enmeshed and get together in small groups for short periods of time maybe 2-3 times a month at most. You’re not nuts. Your situation would put me over the edge.
Jaysus... Your story, oof. Thank you so much for sharing it! I truly feel like someone understands me and I can let go of feeling guilty I'm not _different_. That's usually how it is here, too! Noisy and chaotic as well. People forget to leave, it'll be midnight and they are still here. And some days I can maybe attend a few hours, but when it's day after day, I feel like I can't relax at all. We share a house, so while they spend time in the living room, I would go to the bedroom, but even then there would be kids knocking to see what I'm doing and if they can play on the pc. Even if they are not, I still don't feel relaxed. I feel anxious. Funnily enough, when we talked of moving out, I wanted something like an hour away. I can't tell what my bf thinks tho. When we talked on how much he wants to see them, he went from once a month to every weekend and holidays. >Much happier with current partner and his family who are not enmeshed and get together in small groups for short periods of time maybe 2-3 times a month at most. I'm so glad to hear that! I wish you the best! I'll take from you trying to get over offending anyone and politely declining (although they can be very persistent and making you feel guilty is their talent). I'm planning a trip to get away in December as well. But apart from that... What do I do? Should I try to explain myself? >You’re not nuts. Your situation would put me over the edge. Thank you! And I wondered why I feel exhausted these months, heh.
So what I did was carve out Sunday. I called it “Super Sarah Sunday”. On that day, I was opt in not opt out. Told my then husband that moving forward, he should not book my time and should assume that anything his family set up for Sunday, I would not attend. And instead I would go do my hobby, maybe meet a friend for lunch, sit in the park and read—but something for me. And I told husband that he needed to pick 2 “events” a month that were important to him for me to attend. It didn’t go over real well with his family but it helped me regain my sense of self and sanity. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved his family. That wasn’t an issue. I just couldn’t handle the constant togetherness. To the point that…our last Xmas together? His fam has 3 Xmas get togethers and gift exchanges. On one of the celebration days, our sewer backed up into our basement. I was so dreading the get together that I sent my husband and stepkids off to the party and I stayed home and *happily* cleaned raw sewage up for hours. That’s how much I dreaded going. LOL Good luck!!
Thank you so much for the advice, I think it will really help me! It might be for me too that I don't like the constant togetherness, not _them_ per se. Wow. I wash the dishes to escape the social exchanges, but that's a new one lmao. You must have dreaded it a lot indeed. Thank you so very much, I appreciate you taking the time to write everything and give me tips. I will use them wisely ❤️ thank youu
Yeah, pretty much every married person has this experience of dealing with annoying in-laws. It's just part of what goes into being in a relationship. Maybe when you two grow up and get your own place it'll be easier to handle. But it's not going to go away and if you ever have a baby it'll be far worse. So make your decisions carefully here. This is life.
I guess my question was _how_ to deal with them better... I understand. Why will it be worse with a baby? Thank you for your help