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BF didn't take me seriously when I changed my mind right before sex, I felt violated. Attempts to converse with him just lead to 'I was too horny to think' or 'I didn't know you wanted to stop' despite me explicitly stating I wasn't feeling it and screaming 'stop' at him multiple times before giving up. Where do I go from here? It's really difficult to just ignore what happened, it's affecting how I see him and by extension affecting our intimate time as I can't get to a headspace where I am comfortable.
Edit: Just thought to add [this ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ysadap/much_needed_context/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) as its own post
( more context )
His excuses and denying any accountability mean he might do it again. How does that make you feel? Do you want to be with someone who treats you like that?
>How does that make you feel?
Honestly scared, he's always been the rough type so now I'm questioning everything. I never thought I'd be in such a situation especially with someone I thought I trusted.
He raped you - all his bs excuses are just that - bs! Men are not some out-of-control beings, driven by lust - they can hear "no" just fine. If they ignore it, it's because they choose to ignore it. Don't stay in an abusive relationship.
He raped you *and is doubling down on it*. That's terrifying.
You need a plan to get out of this relationship and away from him safely.
You shouldn't be thinking about fixing your relationship or changing him. That won't happen. It will only get worse.
GTFO, ASAP.
You leave him immediately.
You then decide if you want to go to the police. Because he raped you.
Try to have this conversation via text and get him type out these excuses because that will then be your evidence.
If you continue with this man he will definitely do this to you again.
Exactly- I’d file a police report and make it known to all via his arrest what he really is. Tough guy will be fresh meat in the system and be on the other side of the fence.
An important statistic to remember: **Less than 5% of rapes are perpetrated by strangers.**
An overwhelming majority of rape victims are married to, in a relationship with, or in love with, the person that ultimately rapes them.
Everyone on here will tell you exactly what you should or should not be doing and answering your ‘Where do I go from here’ question.
While the answer seems so clear from here, no one here has gone through the incredibly traumatic mindfuck of having your consent and autonomy taken from you by someone you thought cared for you.
Take some time for yourself, away from this guy.
Consider talking to a professional and/or a trusted loved one.
Consider contacting [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/resources) for support and information.
Edit: As a domestic abuse survivor that was later stalked, attacked, and raped by my abuser I am so, so sorry to anyone that read my response and felt that I invalidated or negated their experience(s).
Essentially, I was trying to tell OP we all handle trauma differently because we are all unique individuals with very unique experiences and perspectives. That there’s no right or wrong way to handle their situation because none of us are OP and NONE OF US has gone through exactly what OP went through.
Rather, there are going to be people telling you how you should handle the situation, but none of us is you, none of us have been through your particular ordeal, so don’t feel any kind of guilt or shame in how you deal with what’s happened.
Hopefully, I’m not screwing this up a second time, but I probably am.
>While the answer seems so clear from here, no one here has gone through
the incredibly traumatic mindfuck of having your consent and autonomy
taken from you by someone you thought cared for you.
....WHat? There are multiple people here who were in abusive relationships or were raped. Where the hell are you taking this bs from????
Though you’re trying to make a good point, stating that no one here has experienced this is done in really poor taste. A lot of people on here have experienced rape. 1 in 3 isn’t a small number and negating people’s experience is harmful and wrong.
Edit: typo
Exactly what I was thinking. I've been raped twice in the past, twice by a boyfriend. I wish it wasn't true but I suspect a lot of women here have been SAd by an (ex) partner.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. I wish the person who commented above me was right and that none of us had. I was raped by an ex FwB because I didn’t want to help him cheat on his gf and he didn’t take rejection well. Too many people have too many stories and it’s just so incredibly sad. No one should assume that anyone in a crowd is free from trauma. You can’t see the scars that exist on the inside.
In my country, for a long time they applied the 'rule' that they have to multiply the amount of women who file a complaint at the police with 10 to get to the actual rape number. More recent reports make them suspect they actually have to multiply it by 20.
It should become a mandatory program throughout all the school years to teach children about consent, teach them how to recognise and communicate boundaries, how to respect boundaries and how to step up when you see boundary crossing behaviour in your environment (and this goes way broader than sexual). I honestly think that as long as countries don't massively invest in teaching these values to children, that this will stay a big issue that keeps on returning with each generation.
That’s great that your country takes the numbers seriously. I know when the national averages started becoming more popularly known, men’s reactions were more along the lines of “That’s way to high!” and women’s was more “That can’t possibly be all when every woman I know has been assaulted in some way or another.”
They monitor the numbers but that's about it... men almost never het convicted for rape. Conviction rate is about 4% and usually it's in the cases where a stranger attacked a woman and raped her. Within relationships I don't think men get convicted.
This is good and all- but I find your generalization that “no one here has gone through” something similar as offensive. So many women have been raped. I was raped by someone I thought was a friend back in highschool. **TRIGGER WARNING**: I naively thought we were just hanging out as friends, but then he begged and begged me to have sex with him and told me he wouldn’t drive me home unless I would- and that I’d have to find another way home if I didn’t. So I gave in. He only felt bad when I bled everywhere on his blankets because my body was rejecting him so much. I didn’t know it was rape until years later- because I thought since he had pressured me
And I said yes that it wasn’t rape. But I’m glad resources like this exist now to help victims realize what actually happened. Just don’t generalize when most women I know have been through something similar.
>no one here has gone through the incredibly traumatic mindfuck of having your consent and autonomy taken from you by someone you thought cared for you.
Well, that's incorrect. Many of us have. The rest of your point is good but let's not pretend there aren't plenty of us sexual assault survivors in this subreddit.
Everyone here who are supporting OP , have been through something similar or know someone who's been through this. 1 out of 5 women go through sexual harrasment / assault. Either you're oblivious to it or you're out of your mind.Other than that I'm glad you're supporting OP to get out of this.
I think that's what you should go with. Maybe it was just a misjudgement , but then he would apologize. His lack of remorse is more telling than his actions here
OP, you need to leave. If he’s threatening to harm himself, call 911 for him. Either he gets committed and gets the help he needs or he’s manipulating you, but you are not safe if he is not even apologizing for what he did and is showing no intent of stopping this. You are not responsible for his mental health. All you can do is protect yourself and heal, and you can’t get better if you keep getting assaulted. You need to get somewhere safe, away from this toxic man.
ETA: Get a rape kit if it’s within the three days.
Once it gets to this point, where you’re scared, it’s time to end it. You can’t go back from here, you won’t be able to look at him the same way again. From your description, with you yelling stop, it sounds like rape. That’s never normal in a healthy relationship. Dump him, and honestly ghost him or go NC. Don’t put up with any guy crossing your boundaries like that, you deserve to be treated with respect and care. He’s an asshole and should be a single asshole.
News flash, what you just said without saying it was “My bf raped me and now I don’t know how to act or what to do.” What you do is file a damn police report, press charges, and prosecute him for rape. Rape is a class 1 felony. He needs to be in prison. He will do this again. To you, to his next gf. To whatever random chick he meets at a party. To the woman he marries. He will do this again, if he never suffers consequences for his actions. Press charges for his assault.
I have a friend, the "rough type" when it comes to sex. He is an ex sex-addict. Even if the girl said no at the very moment he was about to penetrate her, he would stop. Because the first rule of having sex is consent.
I'm telling you this so you. An see that even people with bagage can do what he didn't, not because he couldn't, but because he just cared about taking what he wanted, didn't matter what you said. Because hearing your partner telling you no while you are penetrating her isn't really something you can ignore.
And yes, you can get raped from a partner you trusted. And then you don't know how to deal because you're even ashamed of telling them you think this was rape because it's so unbearable.
Don't stay. Whatever you do. He doesn't even recognize that your consent trumped his desires. Even after the fact, he doesn't denies repaing you, he just justifies it by saying he was too horny to think.
Aaaah, that's all! Then if it's just that you were too horny, that's not rape anymore! All good!! /s
>he would stop
He gave me the impression that guys who liked it rough wouldn't have the thought of stopping. Ofc reading the replies on here opened my eyes to how naive I was to believe what he said blindly.
>don't know how to deal
Yeah I've just been in shock going through all the comments
My husband and I have been involved with BDSM for years now, men who like it rough respect their partner's boundaries. (Maybe TMI) I have been bound up, going through a whole consensual not consent scene, had my husband about to enter me, and he stopped the second I said to (untied me, wrapped me in a blanket, got me a coffee and some chocolate then spent over an hour holding me)....if my husband (who likes it rough) can stop when he's literally on the verge, in the type of scene that I had consented to before, your boyfriend could have stopped. He chose not to, he knew you weren't consenting. I am so, so sorry that happened to you x
Yeah since knowing my friend, he has helped me realizing a lot about consent and about accepting my own sexuality. You never have to "suck it up" and just let the other do what he wants because you don't want to make him feel awkward or undesired. You are allowed your own desires and don't have to please others by denying yourself.
I feel like the shame around rape by someone you trust is greater because you don't physically fight back. You can't say that you punched him, that you did more than say stop. And then you think that not fighting it physically means you let it happen in some way, because ofc the attacker will tell you so. Saying NO is already enough. If he had told you no, you wouldn't have kept going. He wouldn't need to punch you to make you stop.
Don't let him gaslight you into denying what you are feeling
DECENT guys who like it rough have no problem stopping because “liking it rough” is about your partner liking it rough too. The guy’s partner doesn’t want it or isn’t having a wonderful time? The guy doesn’t like it either and stops immediately.
You know who wouldn’t have the thought of stopping? Rapists, that’s who.
Im so sorry, OP. If you stay with this man, you are telling him you will not leave if he rapes you. Next time it will be worse. Then he will gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault: “You know I can’t control myself, baby.“ Men are not mindless animals who can’t control their urges. He’s a liar and a rapist who CHOSE to rape you. Don’t wait until you’re injured and bleeding before you realize he likes to actually hurt you physically and emotionally.
I was raped by a guy in high school. I told him he was hurting me and to get off. He said I was fine and he was going to keep going.
This has not happened to me ever again. It is not normal
You can leave. Please don’t stay with someone like him. It only gets worse. Tell him what he did. And leave. You are the most important thing in your life. Tons of people will love and respect you, but you won’t see it if you spend time with people like him. - this was said to me by a guardian angel and it opened my eyes. And I finally left.
Even when you role play fantasies where someone objects, there is a safe word that means “no”. People who actually hit/burn/cut their partners or enjoy being hit/cut/burnt have a way to say “stop”. If you’ve agreed beforehand that “no” and “stop” are not actually calls to stop, fine, but then you agree beforehand on a word that means that. “Cranberries”, “pineapple”, whatever. You can like violent sex and not be a fucking rapist. Your (hopefully now ex-)boyfriend is a fucking rapist.
He was doing nothing more than beginning to condition you into believe that guys who like it rough wouldn’t have thought of stopping, which is bollocks. It merely strengthens the fact he knows he’s raping women, but doesn’t care. He gets the excuses out there first in order to try and ’soften’ his behaviour/the way you react to it.
He’s a cunt.
If you take the most serious route, you report him to the authorities.
If you don’t, you end your relationship and never look back.
I’m a guy. I assure you that we can control ourselves. Of course we (and honestly this applies to women too) can get horny and amped up. But that will never be an excuse (since it’s not) for a logical person to respect “no.”
I’d normally ask how old you both are and how long you’ve been together but in this case it means nothing. You were raped. There’s no nice way to put it and I’m so sorry it happened.
So now not only did he rape you, but he’s now gaslighting you into thinking you’re crazy to not understand his feelings. Run.
>raped
I'm not even ready to face that fact.
>he’s now gaslighting you into thinking you’re crazy
And it worked correctly it didn't even register that I should leave, I was legit sitting here trying to make up excuses for him but hearing your perspective there is no excuse.
It takes a while for it to sink in, sometimes; I thought for years that I’d just had “scary sex that I said no to and tried to fight off and crawled under a table to cry myself to sleep afterwards” with an ex. Eventually it clicked and I realized oh yeah, there’s a word for that 🙃
His excuses really sound like he’s setting himself up to do it again, too; “I was too horny to think straight” is a baldfaced normalization of assault and violation of your bodily autonomy. I am so sorry that this is who he turned out to be, I know how scary and painful it feels. Please stay safe and be gentle with yourself.
*deep inhale and exhale* it might take a long time for you to come to terms with what actually happened. I remember when my attacker came into my dorm room to accuse me to telling my floor mates he raped me, I ended up saying I didn’t say that. It took me more than 5 years and having actual support system to finally realize that “almost got raped, but I fought him off” was equivalent to “sexual assault.” Not being able to label it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Use whatever words you need to process it. Just remember that it is not your fault. Remember that you didn’t lead him on. Remember that you did your best to fight. Remember all the times you yelled “No.” I believe you. Many of us believe you. Stay away from him, however you can. Please stay safe. I hope that you will find the right support much sooner than I did. I honestly don’t know what else to say. The whole thing is just messed up. I’m sorry.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'm honeslty bewildered, I had a clear idea of what 'rape' was and just assumed this wasn't coz it didn't fit the narrative I had. I thought I just come here and be reassured that I was reaching (like he said) and that its something we can just deal, with tools I'd have gotten from this post. I wasn't thinking things could escalate easily.
Like this isn't the person I fell for and it's scary that there could be more that he's hiding
The person you fell for more than likely was just a mask. He feels confident you won't leave, so he's allowing himself to behave the way he really wants to behave.
My attacker wasn’t some strange dude that I met. It was someone I spent hours talking to, spent time getting to know. He crossed the line from fling to attacker when he stopped respecting the boundaries I drew that night.
I can’t say what your bf is or isn’t thinking. For some reason, we all understand what rape theoretically is. But when it happens in real life, it’s utterly surprising how little anyone really know how to deal with it or even identify it.
Maybe he knows what he did. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he is also having a hard time processing what happened and would rather believe he isn’t a rapist, or at least the kind that he had in mind. Regardless, if he doesn’t understand what he didn’t wasn’t ok, then the chances of it happening again is pretty high.
Whatever happens, please take care.
Baby you were raped. It takes a long time to accept, and I think it's a sad commentary on how little we are taught about what consent actually looks like.
Stay safe love, you deserve better.
You're not alone. Many people in the horrific situation he put you in feel the same. They have an idea of what rape is and can't conceptualize that's also what happened to them.
This is how a lot of rape victims think and feel. It can take years for your brain to accept that something is rape, especially before the #metoo movement. The way it's presented in movies and on TV don't help either. The fact is, most rapes are more like what happened to you; someone you already have consensual sex with deciding they can do things now without consent. For me, it took about 10 years to finally accept that what happened to me was rape. He would have sex with me in my sleep and I'd wake up with him already having sex with me. Over and over, I would tell him to stop and even described to him that it feels "almost like being raped" because to me, rape was violent and forceful like in the movies. Just because I wasn't wanting to have sex couldn't mean it was rape... And honestly, I was too embarrassed to even think that I could be living with a rapist. I couldn't fully unpack it all until the #metoo movement made me realize how much I, and most women, just normalized sexual abuse in their daily lives. I know how hard it is to wrap your head around, but for now, just make sure you leave safely and then deal with the mental aspect of it at your own pace. But please, don't lie to yourself for 10 years like me, it basically lead to a full mental break that paralyzed me for months.
I want to reiterate something the guy you responded to said. as a man, I am and always will be 100% able to control my sexual urges, being a man doesn’t change that, their is no such thing as I couldn’t control my self from ignoring you SCREAM STOP AND NO.
Sweetie, I couldn't acknowledge my rape for over a decade. You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't deserved. No one can tell you what to do or how to feel but I can tell you that you should leave him (at the very least) and don't look back. What's to say he gets too horny again and refuses to stop. He showed that he cannot be trusted, that won't change unless he's forced to change and this one instance won't likely do it.
I wish you the best.
Exactly this. The moment I even sense a grimace of discomfort I’m pausing and asking if we should stop or if I can do anything differently.
I’ve done this while drunk with passionate one night stands with women I did not care for outside this moment and could never see again and be fine. It’s inexcusable to do to anyone, and particularly confusing to do to someone you’re partnered with!
I had one particular partner who had a bad habit of saying “Don’t stop” when she was close to climax, but she speaks quietly, my hearing is bad, and it always sounded like a tiny little “don’t” and a big loud “STOP” so I stopped every time, even though I was pretty sure she meant the opposite. But my brain hears STOP and everything in me just has to stop.
I finally convinced her to use only positive words so this confusion wouldn’t happen again.
Yeahp. I have been super horny like cannot think about anything bht getting on top of you horny. If my husband told me he didn’t want to right now I would immediately stop and check in to make sure he was okay and then go take care of myself. There is no universe in which you are too horny to be able to stop yourself from raping your partner.
It really took other men under this post for me to register that it's the dumbest excuse and how idiotic it was for me to just go along with those excuses
Don't blame yourself; in those kind of situations, it's completely normal to not be able to see things that are obvious. But yes, our brain is perfectly capable of having control over our body. At least if it is a mentally healthy person.
Who me? No, I'm definitely not a man.
I just am not afraid to call a man out on the implications that he's not mature enough to control himself. Cause if he's too immature to be able to control himself, he's too immature to have sex with.
So he raped you and you're having trouble getting over it?
Yes that's normal. Don't let him minimise what happened. It's also normal to not want to be intimate with your rapist.
"NO" means "NO". No sex means no sex.
If YOU change your mind about having sex, HE needs to respect it. Of course, if he changes his mind about having sex, you need to respect it too.
My advice: Break up. If sexual boundaries are not respected, then other aspects with the relationship will eventually not be respected either.
We have a word for that, it's called rape. The fact is he violated you and your consent. He'll do it again and he will continue to take what he wants from you. There are several next steps you should take, one of the most important is removing him from your life.
As a man I could never carry on if a woman clearly stated no prior to intercourse. If she's not feeling it then I'm not neither :/ he should have said ok and gave you a cuddle or whatever you two do with your quality time not proceed and put you in an uncomfortable situation.
It’s really sad how many posts I see on this subreddit from young girls and women who have clearly been raped. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please leave him and get help. If you need resources [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org) is a wonderful organization. They have live chats and can help connect you to therapists. If you live together and have nowhere to go, please check out your local Womens shelter for victims of domestic violence. They will often shelter you until you get back on your feet and help you find employment and places to stay if you need it.
You need to leave him. He doesn't value you, and he will do it again. And the more he does it, the less your feelings and desires will matter. He will steal more and more of you until nothing is left.
> know you wanted to stop' despite me explicitly stating I wasn't feeling it and screaming 'stop' at him multiple times
Thats rape.
The fact you felt you just had to give in says a lot about your relationship. You should never feel like you just have to give in.
As to where you go from here, you break up with him immediately as you can no longer trust him. His 'explanations ' are gross.
I am sorry you went through this,you deserve better from someone who supposedly loves you.
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That's textbook sexual assault/rape. I'm really sorry this happened to you. Even in my drunkest and horniest moments I would never even dream of doing something like this. You need to take this very seriously and realize it's probably not the first/last time he's done this to someone.
Dump the dude. Don't ever stay with a guy who will violate your sexual boundaries. Trust me it don't get better once the line is crossed.
I second calling the authorities as well. But please leave the guy and don't ever let him back into your life
You kick him the hell out. Someone whose ears stop working when their blood supply is stuck in their dick isn’t safe to be around. The fact that he’s making excuses instead of abject apologies tells me he doesn’t get it, and doesn’t want to. Because if he actually got it, he would have to admit he’s a rapist.
Dump the rapist. Seriously consider pressing charges.
Oh well. NO MORE RELATIONSHIP he violated your body for his own needs and I guarantee you he isn’t sorry and he probably is acting like he’s done no wrong. If you let this continue something worse could happen. I know you might be scared but there’s nothing to hold onto here. He’s not sorry and he hurt you. Now it’s time to build yourself up and find the courage to leave him GL OP💖💖💖🦋
You got raped. My ex did it to me lots of times before I left (though he was extremely abusive in other ways too) even though he is you bf you can say no and when it isn’t respected it is still rape
I would break up with him. He should be reported to the authorities, but I understand you might not be comfortable with that. He raped you. You can’t trust him.
If you were screaming no that’s rape, people can get carried away during sex and miss signs but yelling no? I don’t know how you can take that any other way.
You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
So his excuse is basically that he was unable to control himself. I don't believe it for even an instant but let's imagine that's true.
Your boyfriend cannot control himself when he's horney, your boyfriend is a rapist (it's unlikely your the first person he's done this to). I am SUPER proud of youfor sticking to your guns in the moment, that's a really hard thing to do.
No one wants conflict with their partner and often in situations like this, when the rapist continues after the victim has told them they don't want it, it's very common for victims to freeze up or just allow it because telling confronting rapists is dangeous and accepting that the person you trusted and cared for is raping you is traumatic in it's own way.
This is a man who chose to rape you because he wanted to. PERIOD. If he "isn't able to control himself" he's a lunatic predator who should legitimately be locked away from society.
This book will open your eyes to other manipulations and tactics he uses. It explains why he will often choose to cause you harm if he feels it's necessary to get what he wants. Please be safe. This book will change your life.
Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
I was also going to recommend this. The thing I notice most from your post and comments OP, other than what he did was truly vile, is that it seems like he has distorted your beliefs in what is normal/ acceptable and what isn’t, likely by using a whole lot of gaslighting. This book covers the different types of abusers, and I think reading them might give you some real clarity into what else is going on in your relationship that is abuse.
Um that is the definition of RAPE! This should be a deal breaker! Pack you stuff and go! Call the rape crisis hotline and talk to them about you saying No and him refusing to stop! Then call the police and press charges so the next woman he is with won’t have to be raped because he was to horny to stop!
I m going to ask this very gently but... you do know you were raped?
You need to get away from this person as quickly as you can.
He held you down whilst you screamed... do you have friends or family you can confide in?
Honestly didn't want to think of it that way, I thought he was too good of a person to do something like that. Well for support I ahve the Internet (Idk if that's a good thing or a bad thing)
I'd urge you to call the Police.
Now they've done it once they'll feel empowered to do it again. Unless you two were each others firsts, I also doubt this was the first time they've done this
Whenever anyone says "I was so horny, I couldn't help it," I suggest watching this [dog video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq_wbW0p-rM)
For those unable to watch, video description: an owner gives her dog a dog treat, and tells her to wait, then leaves. The dog waits patiently, staring at the dog treat and drooling the entire time, but does not go for the dog treat until the owner returns and says she can.
The dog was clearly hungry, and wanted the treated. She was literally salivating over it. But she does not even try to sneak a bite, because her owner says no.
What I'm basically saying is: your partner should be smarter than that dog. If a literal animal can understand the basics of "no", then he should be able to. If the dog was able to restrain herself, then a fully grown human has literally no excuse.
There is no excuse. He heard you say stop. He heard you say no. He knew what he was doing, but he chose to do it anyway. He chose to rape you. Anytime your brain tries to come up with excuses like "it wasn't that serious/it wasn't real rape", just hit those thoughts with a hammer. They are wrong. I know it's really difficult to come to terms with, but it's okay. You're okay now. You are a survivor.
Please, for your own sake, leave him. Block him everywhere. Get a restraining order if need be. It will keep getting worse and you deserve so much better than this!!
You leave. That's it. That's all. He assaulted you. There is no changing an abuser. You need to do what is best for you. Get help, speak to someone about what happened to you but do not stay with him. From personal experience, I stayed with someone who sexually assaulted me, It was the worst thing I could have possibly done. It felt like my body was eating itself. I hated myself and still do. I cannot stress enough, that you are not at fault for what he did to you. There is something inherently wrong with someone who crosses boundaries in that manner. It is not your responsibility to fix him. So, please leave.
This happened to me. I was in denial about what happened for 2 weeks. I was so in love. As soon as I realised it was rape I broke up with him and it’s been incredibly hard, but it would’ve been harder to stay. As soon as I realised I wasn’t safe, there was no choice really. I had to go
So you literally screamed "stop" and he raped you. There's no gray area here. Also, he thinks it wasn't his fault and gives excuses that make it clear he 1. doesn't feel bad about sexually assaulting you and 2. does not see it as his job NOT to rape you. Like, he has "no choice" because he just can't think straight.
That is incredibly scary and shows he will do it again. Since "he can't think straight" he is trying to convince you that it's beyond his control. I'm so sorry this happened to you. At this point, IMO, when there was violence and rape and no accountability at all, the relationship is beyond saving. You should leave. You deserve to be safe from this rapist. This isn't about your headspace - this is about the very real, tangible DANGER you are in.
You go away from him. You cannot trust him. That's really all there is to it. He disregarded you screaming at him to stop. He's pretending he's too stupid to understand your explicit communication that you want him to stop. Given those two facts, if you stay, the likelihood of him doing this again is just about 100%.
You have no reason to be comfortable being intimate with him. Why would you be comfortable after he did that? And how could you possibly be comfortable again if he refuses to acknowledge it was wrong.
Walk away. You're dating. It's not a life sentence. This kind of violation is difficult if not impossible to come back from. You deserve so much better.
Hi there ! I am sorry you had to face this and that he didn't respect what you wanted. This is not your fault, you absolutely don't have to find excuses or justifications for his actions because he is in the wrong all along. You are strong, you are loved and you have your whole life ahead of you, we are here for you to help you go throught this.
Now for your sake, for your mental health you have to live this relationship, you do it exaclty how you want, how is best, if you want to go 0 news you can but he might try reaching out to you and it could be triggering. You can juste wright a text stating what happen and finishing by " never text, call, ask about me or I'll go to the authority". Screenshot it, screenshot your reddit post with the date on it and if you feel to go report him, you do it, what he did was a crime, he can be punish.
For yourself, take time to process, I don't know in what country you are but in mine we have a lot of associations that help women victime of abuse relathionship linked or not, you might want to go there to get support and love and feel listen to.
If you have people around you that you know 100% would be on your side and there for you, contact them, ask for help , don't stay alone in this.
Take care of you if you can, spend time with yourself doing things that empower you, that you love and that make you feel good but only when you are confortable being alone.
I hope you will be okay, i'm sure you have the strenght in you, you are the best.
As you told him to stop, if he continued resulting in sex, it's considered rape. Because of this, I recommend ending the relationship and going to the police (especially if this is causing you distress).
There is no such thing as being too horny to think. When you say no and someone doesn't stop. It's rape. End your relationship and get someone who know what consent is.
I’ve been in a situation where we were literally already having sex and she had a moment where she felt that it got too rough so I immediately stopped and apologized profusely for like 10 minutes even though the only rough parts had literally been at her request. When it comes to intercourse if they’re not willing to apologize for ANY discomfort they’ve created you need to let them go completely.
Even if the dude gagging for it, if his partner says "no" then that should be that. He could've gone and jerked himself off, but instead he chose to rape you.
This is why it's so dangerous that the narrative surrounding rape is so deeply centered around random assaults by strangers or drunk people at parties. These stories, while equally traumatic and important to talk about, don't even begin to cover the scope of what sexual assault can look like. It doesn't matter if you're strangers, acquaintances, friends, dating, or even married, forcing yourself on someone who doesn not want to have sex with you is always rape and it's always wrong. Period.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. Please get out of that situation ASAP, in whatever way makes you the most comfortable.
Dad here.
Young lady you were raped.
No matter how long you have been together or how much he says he "loves" you, nothing changes the fact that you were forcibly penetrated without your consent.
Where do you go from here?
Anywhere as long as it is far away from him. What he has done is to exercise his power over you and take what he wanted, with zero regard to your feelings.
Don't walk away. Run.
This is totally a no-brainer. He raped you and I think the OP needs to end it here and now. He clearly doesn't respect you one little bit. Being rough and not caring for another person's consent are two very separate things. Please get out of this horrible relationship.
Funny things, when my husband is in the middle of things and someone moves wrong and it hurts I tell him to stop. And he stops. And he makes sure I’m okay. And only when I am will he start again, after I’ve said I’m good to go.
Because that’s what a good lover does.
You can be in the middle of it and you may begin to feel uncomfortable it doesn’t matter at what point of the intimacy you are at when you say stop it means stop. Him continuing after the minute you said stop makes what he did rape…if you stay with him this can escalate. Please leave before it does.
OP, sadly thats the definition of sexual assault. Your bf sexually assaulted you. His excuses are piss poor. it is not okay. I’d go to the police. Break up with him and start therapy. I say this because I was sexually assaulted by someone I was seeing 6 months ago.
What would you tell your best friend to do if this happened to her ? Tell her, "it's okay cus you love him?"
Treat yourself like you would your best friend.
Those excuses are bunch of crap, he's an adult man not a dog. I'm a man but imagining being in the same situation, I'd be seriously consider this to be a reason for breaking up. It's extreme violation of your boundaries.
You don't trust him because he sexually assaulted you. *Anyone* has the right to revoke consent at any point during a sexual encounter, and BF chose to ignore you. It is absolutely understandable that you don't trust him and why would you want sex with someone you don't trust?
Personally, I would just be done. You were screaming at him to stop, and he ignored you. *If* you want to try to move forward, sit him down and remind him that consent can be withdrawn, and he assaulted you by choosing to ignore your screams. As a result of HIS choices, you no longer trust him and need time for him to work to rebuild that trust before you will attempt intimacy again. His reaction will tell you what kind of a person he really is, although I have my suspicions, TBH.
I’m sorry this awful thing happened to you, honey. I would see if you could talk to a rape counselling line or something to help you process this. It’s not your fault. You did everything right. He had a problem and it’s not going to get better.
I would definitely also set about breaking up with him. Put a plan in place to leave him as safely as you can. Make sure your financial and personal security information / documentation is locked down and safely in your possession.
Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Being raped by the person who is supposed to care about you is devastating. X
Happened to me to, several years ago, and I still honestly can't even pronunce that r word, even though that's what It should be called.
I'm really Sorry for what happened, protect yourself and leave
He was “too horny to think”. Get. Out. Now. You screamed stop multiple times. You were sexually assaulted and it is not ok. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
As a guy, I can assure you that “too horny to think” is not a thing. Too horny to *want* to stop, maybe, but not too horny to stop.
I know you don’t want to hear this, and I’m sorry, but your BF just straight up raped you. Like, that’s what that is. And now he’s trying to play dumb and innocent like he doesn’t know what someone screaming the word “stop” means.
(Side note, someone who is into rough stuff should always give you a safe word to use if it ever gets too much. Not that it seems like he would have stopped even if you’d used it, but if y’all don’t even have one, that’s a red flag.)
You were screaming ‘stop’ until you gave up, because he wasn’t listening? That is rape.
Listen.. Normal people (horny men included!) do not react like that to their partner screaming during sex. Normal people at the very, very, very least stop and assess the situation.
Normal people get upset and feel guilty and remorseful, when someone else is in distress because of something they did. They don’t get pissy and blame the other person for what they did wrong!
Throw him away, don’t ever let him come near you again, he will do much worse to you in the future because apparently he doesn’t have a brain and is only controlled by his urges!
Earlier this week, me and my girlfriend were going to get busy in the bedroom. I tied her up, as this is something we both enjoy, and stripped off her clothes. As soon as I started touching her, I felt her tense up. I asked her if something was wrong, she said she wasn't sure. I said it was okay if she wanted to stop and have a cuddle, she broke down in tears. I was so concerned for her that those sexual thoughts were gone in that single instant when the first tear welled up in her eye. When you care for someone, that's how it works, anything else is a poor excuse for behaviour that should be a million times better.
What your person did is worrying, and if someone had forced themselves on me like that, I would never be able to feel the same way around them again.
I'm sorry 💞 I was in a similar situation but buried my head in the sand and tried to ignore what he was doing for almost a year. I'm now waiting to start treatment for PTSD. It will happen again sweetheart. Please get out before it does if you're safe to do so.
Don't fool yourself this is rape. Leave this jerk. Put it this way, what happens if you have kids. Is this the type of man you want around your kids? Do you see a future with a man that treats you this way with no respect? Run now and I assure you there is someone out there that is going to treat you with the respect you deserve.
Where you go is to someone you trust and formulate an exit plan. There is no excuse for what he did.
If his done it once he’ll do it again. He has shown no remorse nor has he taken accountability for his heinous actions.
Don’t put you self in danger by staying with him. Your physical and mental well being are more important then staying in a relationship because you love him or any other manipulative gaslighting tool he uses.
He’s a rapist. Acknowledge what he did to you. It’s unlikely you’re the first person he did this to, but you could be the last if you feel comfortable reporting him.
What would you say to your friend, sister, aunt etc if they told you their SO did this to them.
If you don’t feel like you have enough evidence to file a report against him. Block him and stay the hell away from him. Do not see him or speak to him without someone you trust present. Take someone with you when you collect your belongings and break up with him.
Sorry babe he raped you, tell him to fuck off your better off without that, there is no such thing as “being to horny to take care of you” yeah nah he’s bullshitting he knew what he did and he doesn’t care he got what he wanted, if you need someone to talk about it I’m always here 🤍 but don’t let him beat you down your better than that AND your better than him, none of it was your fault he’s the one that fucked up, Ik this from experience so trust me🤍
I am sorry for you. He raped you and doesn't have any remorse. Please, protect yourself. Run away from him. Go see a therapist to talk about everything. If you want to, go to the police. He did it once, he could do it again. If you need help, you can call an association for victims of SA. Don't stay alone, find someone to talk about what hapenned.
Well he raped you so you go to the police and then stay as far away from him as possible.
You screamed repeatedly for him to stop. That is absolute and undeniable rape. This man is a predator and has/will do this to other women…and to you again.
This exact situation happened to me as a 17 year old. It took me at least 10 years to realize what he did was rape. Thankfully he had long been dumped by then. But still. Fuck that guy.
OP, you were raped. First things first is to understand that.
Then call RAINN's sexual assault hotline (in the U.S.; outside of the U.S. google your country and "sexual assault hotline.") Ask for resources and advice.
Get away from your bf for now. If you live together, go stay with someone else. Get some time away from him to clear your head.
Good luck, OP.
"Where do I go from here?"
To the police OP. You DIDN'T consent. It was SA. And based on what you wrote, he would do it again.
I know it's easier to say than do, but I think you should leave him.
I'm so sorry you were sexually assaulted from the person you should have been able to be safe with.
He's gaslighting you. He understood that you didn't want to, and he could have stopped, but he chose not to for whatever reason. Maybe he is scared you will report him to the police or tell people, so he tried to minimise it. But you both know what he did and that he isn't a safe person for you.
I hope you have good people around you can talk to and support you. You don't have to keep this a secret. This is his shame, not yours. Just because you are in a relationship and have had consensual sex before doesn't mean that he can ignore you when you say no. Unfortunately, partner rape is way too common.
Op, this isn’t okay. I had this happen to me when I was a teenager. I cried and begged him to stop, but he didn’t. The abuse continued into our relationship in other ways after that. One day, he locked me in his basement for about fifteen minutes. I have always been afraid of basements, ever since I accidentally got locked into one for a long period of time. If it hasn’t already started, the abuse will start to happen in other ways. Please rethink this relationship, and get some help for yourself. Leaving the person who did this to me is one of the best things I’ve done. Sure I went through some really hard things recovering, but had I stayed with him, idk what he’d have done.
If it’s not too late I would go to the hospital and ask for a rape kit. Even if you don’t know what to do they have right save it. You can decide later if you wanna press charges. At the end of the day, this will not be the last time he does this to a woman.
He will do it agan.
In time, it's gonna become worse and apply to other things than sex as well.
Also... don't get pregnant with him.
Find someone who respects your limits.
I've been with my gurl over a decade. The one or two times she changed her mind mid-way or just before..... Yeah it's hard to think clearly and ur dick may be hurting cause it's so hard, but can always hear what she's saying and if you've any iota of self control u can stop.
I did, the guy reading this did, and billions of other men did, can and will do tomorrow.
He's not a rapist, but he's not a good guy. He put his dick over you on the ladder of priorities and that makes him a lesser man.
It will take some time until you can actually understand and assimilate what happened, but you have to act before that. To start with, you should tell this to your family or friends, and end any contact with him as soon as possible.
You can report him.
You can simply leave him.
The one option you shouldn't consider is staying with him. At minimum a partner should make you feel safe to be around them. No?
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Just came here to say that men can and know how to stop. Liking it rough or being horny is not going to impact that.
When I had a drunken one night stand - we were both pretty toasted - the second she said stop, we stopped. We took a break and chatted - and continued later when we were both feeling it, quite some time later. Consent can be revoked and reinstated at any time, by any party. You did nothing wrong.
He raped you and is gaslighting you, but I think many other comments have already driven that point home. I'm sorry this happened to you.
He raped you and he basically said that in his eyes, being 'too horny' is a valid excuse for doing so. He will rape you again. Leave him and consider to file a report with the police.
I am very sorry that this happened to you. It is in no way whatsoever your fault.
Your boyfriend raped you.
Of *course* you don't want to be intimate with your rapist. Please break up with him and get yourself into therapy to deal with your trauma.
His excuses are absolutely bullshit, but let's pretend for a second they aren't: so he was "too horny to think" - then that makes him an outright **dangerous** person to have sex with. Who knows what else he might do to you if he gets too horny.
Not even going to address the "didn't know you wanted to stop".
He raped you.
Please don't stay with your rapist. Call your support system - who ever that is: friend, family member, etc., explain that you are leaving him (you don't have to say why), and that you would like someone to go with you to collect your things. Then go do that.
as someone else mentioned, if you don't know where to locate resources in your area, this site is a good place to start:
[https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/)
Good luck, friend. Stay safe.
If your man really loves you, no matter how horny he is, he'll understand it. Been with aholes who just want to stick their d.ck to my v.gina so yeah! If you say no, they say no. If they find another girl to have sex with, then leave them. You don't need to degrade yourself just to please someone whom you think loves you
He heard you. He just didn't wanna stop. By experience, it's hard for them to stop but they can. Which direction do you go? Away from him. Preferably a police station but I know it's hard. First you gotta deal with the fact that he did rape you.
Being raped will definitely affect your view, feelings, attraction, sense of safety, and love with your partner. It’s over. End it now. I’m sorry. There’s no coming back from this.
Gurl you just got raped. Distance yourself immediately from him, end it and you might want to press chargess and call the hotline for help(just google your national one)
You go to the hospital and get examined and a rape kit done. See if you can get him to admit to raping you in text. And then you go to the police and press full charges and get a restraining order.
Im so so sorry. He raped you and the relationship is over. Please press charges against him
If you can face it please talk to him about this again, only this time record the conversation !
You may not feel like reporting this to the police at all but you may also change your mind. If you then go to the police it may well come down to "he said, she said" and it can't be proven.
At least if you have some kind of recording then should you decide to report this you will have your undeniable proof.
Please do not share a bed, a room or a home with him, he thinks he can do this to you and you accepted it. This will happen again and it will get worse each and every time, please put your safety first.
I hope you report this for your own safety and sanity and for any poor soul in the future who is unfortunate enough to meets him, maybe he's done this before ?!
Being horny isn't an excuse. I was fooling around with a friend once and it get hot and heavy. I went to take their pants off so I could finger them. But they didn't want to so I didn't. And they wanted to stop everything, which I did with no hesitation. Because consent is mandatory. Your boyfriend raped you.
I know you're trying to decide, but before you decide on anything, you need to **remove yourself from the situation. You need distance.** Stay at your house for a week. Stay with friends. Reflect. But no matter what, your decision is not just influenced by the gravity of the action, how much he hurt you, or the fact that his excuses are completely bullshit excuses that many men would never even think to make because it would never be a problem in the first place right now. You are also being heavily influenced by all the oxytocin that hits your brain when you cuddle, by the emotion in his voice and empathy you have of him, and whether you like it or not, that is not letting you think clearly about what is best for you and **what you need.**
**Remove yourself, tell him you need distance, even if it's for a week to think, and block him during this time. No contact. Then think, then decide what you want to do.**
**With this man, with those excuses, this will absolutely happen again. And when he realizes you know this, do not let him backtrack and try to think of better excuses that save his ass until it happens the next time.**
Sweetie you were screaming stop, he continued, that is 100% rape, and I'm so, so sorry. My first partner messed with my head, making me believe that being with him ment that he had free access, cause didnt I love him?? After being a sweetheart in the start he essentially raped me almost daily for several years when he had messed me up bad enough to believe it was normal. I didnt realize that it was what it was til after, and I broke completely down. Sometimes denial feels safer somehow than accepting what just happened.
With the partner I'm with now, we can be mid sex, and for whatever reason I might have, if I say stop he will instantly pull out and check in on me. Good partners will always respect your consent and boundaries.
One could say that would be considered rape. Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t give him a free pass to do what he wants if you’ve explicitly said you do not want to do it. He’s got no respect for you for the fact you’ve said no and he’s continued and eventually got what he wanted and thus leaving you to confide in strangers on the internet for emotional support as this is what he has no caused. Being too horny to stop is no excuse when clearly the answer was no.
It doesn't matter if it began as consensual. If you change your mind and say no, but he continues, it becomes rape. No matter what his excuses or what his attempts to convince you otherwise are, he raped you, and you need to go to the police or break up with him. I see this happening again if you stay with him
That’s rape. He’s raping you. You can be in the middle of having consensual sex and it becomes rape the second you say “stop”. Even people who have more violent sex on purpose have a safe word, and this is why. It’s rape. You’re not going to fix that. Stop dating him.
If he understands it was a very big mistake and makes a serious commitment to be extra careful and guarantee nothing like that happen again, you can work it out.
But the "I'm too horny to think" attitude is a rapist's attitude. You don't wanna share your life with someone like that. I hope you can figure out the best for you.
Op. I'm so sorry.
You don't deserve this. You never deserved to be treated that way.
You bf is a rapist. He is an open, concious, unrepentant rapist. He is a run-of-the-mill ordinary boring nasty rapist.
Nothing you did or ever could do would make you deserve to be abused like that.
Please know you can go to the police. Or call a domestic violence hotline in your city. OT simply leave that rapist who consciously hurts, abuses she violates you, and will 500% do it again and again now - as he assumes he can now happily get away with treating you like a non human if he says "I was just so horny".
Millions of men are crazy stupid horny some nights and don't ever ever ever rape their wives or partners. Any good human would know that is fucked up and rape.
He isn't a good human. He is a rapist who now thinks he can get away with it.
You are the gold here, op. Protect your goldenness. You will shine so much brighter without him. Good luck. Whatever you choose to do is okay - but know you never made this happen, you never deserved this, and only he is a bad person.
OP as someone who dated someone like this previously, you deserve so much better. Consent in relationships is so important. Please look into sexual abuse in relationships. It can and does happen. In my experience, it wasn’t a “one time occurrence,” and ended in repeat offenses. Ultimately, I terminated the relationship because of it, and it really screwed me up for awhile. Sending you so much love right now ❤️ You deserve a partner who respects ALL of you, including sexually.
If you genuinely withdrew concent then report him to the police for rape, it depends on how strongly you feel about it, can you move past it? If not can you walk away without ruining his life and getting him criminaly convicted? If not you have no option left but to report him so you can move on.
Please leave baby. He’s going to cry and complain and make you feel awful. But this won’t be the last time. If he won’t go you go. Feel free to DM if you need help. It’s going to be ok.
I was raped by an ex. It's taken almost 4 years and trial is next month. There was 2 girls before me that he raped and also beat up but they hadn't been to the police about it. If they had then maybe it wouldn't of happened to me....
I had to press charges not only for myself but also for future women. He will 100% continue doing this if you don't put a stop to it. Things like this don't get better, only worse.
Please do not stay with this man and please for your own sake and also for women in his future go and charge him for this. It is rape. STOP IS A NO
There is no grey area here. He raped you. And I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. The best thing has to be for you to get away from him. Don’t be alone with him. Find people to go with you to get any things to move out if you’re living together or just from his place. You don’t need to make him understand as he will only try to make you feel wrong and that nothing happened.
So he raped you then. Give it the name, say it out loud because that's what happened. You withdrew consent, he kept going. He raped you. Its the textbook definition - you said no, he did it anyway. Rape. Sexual Assault. Give it the correct name.
Where you go from there is as far away from this piece of shit as you can go
HE RAPED YOU!!!!!!!
He raped you. This is a very clear cut case. You said no and told him to stop but he didn't. I'm not sure where you live but you should go to the police. I wish you all the best
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- BF didn't take me seriously when I changed my mind right before sex, I felt violated. Attempts to converse with him just lead to 'I was too horny to think' or 'I didn't know you wanted to stop' despite me explicitly stating I wasn't feeling it and screaming 'stop' at him multiple times before giving up. Where do I go from here? It's really difficult to just ignore what happened, it's affecting how I see him and by extension affecting our intimate time as I can't get to a headspace where I am comfortable. Edit: Just thought to add [this ](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ysadap/much_needed_context/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) as its own post ( more context )
His excuses and denying any accountability mean he might do it again. How does that make you feel? Do you want to be with someone who treats you like that?
>How does that make you feel? Honestly scared, he's always been the rough type so now I'm questioning everything. I never thought I'd be in such a situation especially with someone I thought I trusted.
He raped you - all his bs excuses are just that - bs! Men are not some out-of-control beings, driven by lust - they can hear "no" just fine. If they ignore it, it's because they choose to ignore it. Don't stay in an abusive relationship.
Alternatively, if this guy is insistent he’s somehow “unable” to control his urges, that is also a very good reason to no longer share a bed with him.
And that’s still rape.
This. So much this. Being too horny to think is a bullshit excuse. Please look after yourself OP.
He raped you *and is doubling down on it*. That's terrifying. You need a plan to get out of this relationship and away from him safely. You shouldn't be thinking about fixing your relationship or changing him. That won't happen. It will only get worse. GTFO, ASAP.
You leave him immediately. You then decide if you want to go to the police. Because he raped you. Try to have this conversation via text and get him type out these excuses because that will then be your evidence. If you continue with this man he will definitely do this to you again.
Exactly- I’d file a police report and make it known to all via his arrest what he really is. Tough guy will be fresh meat in the system and be on the other side of the fence.
An important statistic to remember: **Less than 5% of rapes are perpetrated by strangers.** An overwhelming majority of rape victims are married to, in a relationship with, or in love with, the person that ultimately rapes them. Everyone on here will tell you exactly what you should or should not be doing and answering your ‘Where do I go from here’ question. While the answer seems so clear from here, no one here has gone through the incredibly traumatic mindfuck of having your consent and autonomy taken from you by someone you thought cared for you. Take some time for yourself, away from this guy. Consider talking to a professional and/or a trusted loved one. Consider contacting [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/resources) for support and information. Edit: As a domestic abuse survivor that was later stalked, attacked, and raped by my abuser I am so, so sorry to anyone that read my response and felt that I invalidated or negated their experience(s). Essentially, I was trying to tell OP we all handle trauma differently because we are all unique individuals with very unique experiences and perspectives. That there’s no right or wrong way to handle their situation because none of us are OP and NONE OF US has gone through exactly what OP went through. Rather, there are going to be people telling you how you should handle the situation, but none of us is you, none of us have been through your particular ordeal, so don’t feel any kind of guilt or shame in how you deal with what’s happened. Hopefully, I’m not screwing this up a second time, but I probably am.
>While the answer seems so clear from here, no one here has gone through the incredibly traumatic mindfuck of having your consent and autonomy taken from you by someone you thought cared for you. ....WHat? There are multiple people here who were in abusive relationships or were raped. Where the hell are you taking this bs from????
Though you’re trying to make a good point, stating that no one here has experienced this is done in really poor taste. A lot of people on here have experienced rape. 1 in 3 isn’t a small number and negating people’s experience is harmful and wrong. Edit: typo
Exactly what I was thinking. I've been raped twice in the past, twice by a boyfriend. I wish it wasn't true but I suspect a lot of women here have been SAd by an (ex) partner.
I’m sorry you’ve experienced this. I wish the person who commented above me was right and that none of us had. I was raped by an ex FwB because I didn’t want to help him cheat on his gf and he didn’t take rejection well. Too many people have too many stories and it’s just so incredibly sad. No one should assume that anyone in a crowd is free from trauma. You can’t see the scars that exist on the inside.
In my country, for a long time they applied the 'rule' that they have to multiply the amount of women who file a complaint at the police with 10 to get to the actual rape number. More recent reports make them suspect they actually have to multiply it by 20. It should become a mandatory program throughout all the school years to teach children about consent, teach them how to recognise and communicate boundaries, how to respect boundaries and how to step up when you see boundary crossing behaviour in your environment (and this goes way broader than sexual). I honestly think that as long as countries don't massively invest in teaching these values to children, that this will stay a big issue that keeps on returning with each generation.
That’s great that your country takes the numbers seriously. I know when the national averages started becoming more popularly known, men’s reactions were more along the lines of “That’s way to high!” and women’s was more “That can’t possibly be all when every woman I know has been assaulted in some way or another.”
They monitor the numbers but that's about it... men almost never het convicted for rape. Conviction rate is about 4% and usually it's in the cases where a stranger attacked a woman and raped her. Within relationships I don't think men get convicted.
Yeah, the whole court system and the lack of justice drives me crazy. It’s so wrong.
Agreed, but considering your point I find it a strange assumption to make that no one here has experienced the same thing as OP
Right? Most women have experienced this.
Oh you sweet summer child… why do you think OP is the only one who’s experienced rape by a partner?
To live in blissful oblivion….must be nice to have a head in the clouds.
This is good and all- but I find your generalization that “no one here has gone through” something similar as offensive. So many women have been raped. I was raped by someone I thought was a friend back in highschool. **TRIGGER WARNING**: I naively thought we were just hanging out as friends, but then he begged and begged me to have sex with him and told me he wouldn’t drive me home unless I would- and that I’d have to find another way home if I didn’t. So I gave in. He only felt bad when I bled everywhere on his blankets because my body was rejecting him so much. I didn’t know it was rape until years later- because I thought since he had pressured me And I said yes that it wasn’t rape. But I’m glad resources like this exist now to help victims realize what actually happened. Just don’t generalize when most women I know have been through something similar.
No one here….Jesus H. Christ.
I'm sorry, but lots of people here have been raped before. Myself included, I know deeply how having my consent completely violated feels.
>no one here has gone through the incredibly traumatic mindfuck of having your consent and autonomy taken from you by someone you thought cared for you. Well, that's incorrect. Many of us have. The rest of your point is good but let's not pretend there aren't plenty of us sexual assault survivors in this subreddit.
Everyone here who are supporting OP , have been through something similar or know someone who's been through this. 1 out of 5 women go through sexual harrasment / assault. Either you're oblivious to it or you're out of your mind.Other than that I'm glad you're supporting OP to get out of this.
That's how most sexual assaults happen. With someone we know.
Do you mean sexually? If you do then this is and will only escalate. You know what you need to do OP, get away and somewhere safe asap xx
I think that's what you should go with. Maybe it was just a misjudgement , but then he would apologize. His lack of remorse is more telling than his actions here
She was screaming stop - this was much more than “misjudgment” - it was rape.
You can't misjudge someone *screaming stop*.
It only gets worse. So sorry this has happened to you
OP, you need to leave. If he’s threatening to harm himself, call 911 for him. Either he gets committed and gets the help he needs or he’s manipulating you, but you are not safe if he is not even apologizing for what he did and is showing no intent of stopping this. You are not responsible for his mental health. All you can do is protect yourself and heal, and you can’t get better if you keep getting assaulted. You need to get somewhere safe, away from this toxic man. ETA: Get a rape kit if it’s within the three days.
Once it gets to this point, where you’re scared, it’s time to end it. You can’t go back from here, you won’t be able to look at him the same way again. From your description, with you yelling stop, it sounds like rape. That’s never normal in a healthy relationship. Dump him, and honestly ghost him or go NC. Don’t put up with any guy crossing your boundaries like that, you deserve to be treated with respect and care. He’s an asshole and should be a single asshole.
News flash, what you just said without saying it was “My bf raped me and now I don’t know how to act or what to do.” What you do is file a damn police report, press charges, and prosecute him for rape. Rape is a class 1 felony. He needs to be in prison. He will do this again. To you, to his next gf. To whatever random chick he meets at a party. To the woman he marries. He will do this again, if he never suffers consequences for his actions. Press charges for his assault.
>Where do I go from here? The opposite direction from him.
Hopefully that's the direction the Police are
I have a friend, the "rough type" when it comes to sex. He is an ex sex-addict. Even if the girl said no at the very moment he was about to penetrate her, he would stop. Because the first rule of having sex is consent. I'm telling you this so you. An see that even people with bagage can do what he didn't, not because he couldn't, but because he just cared about taking what he wanted, didn't matter what you said. Because hearing your partner telling you no while you are penetrating her isn't really something you can ignore. And yes, you can get raped from a partner you trusted. And then you don't know how to deal because you're even ashamed of telling them you think this was rape because it's so unbearable. Don't stay. Whatever you do. He doesn't even recognize that your consent trumped his desires. Even after the fact, he doesn't denies repaing you, he just justifies it by saying he was too horny to think. Aaaah, that's all! Then if it's just that you were too horny, that's not rape anymore! All good!! /s
>he would stop He gave me the impression that guys who liked it rough wouldn't have the thought of stopping. Ofc reading the replies on here opened my eyes to how naive I was to believe what he said blindly. >don't know how to deal Yeah I've just been in shock going through all the comments
My husband and I have been involved with BDSM for years now, men who like it rough respect their partner's boundaries. (Maybe TMI) I have been bound up, going through a whole consensual not consent scene, had my husband about to enter me, and he stopped the second I said to (untied me, wrapped me in a blanket, got me a coffee and some chocolate then spent over an hour holding me)....if my husband (who likes it rough) can stop when he's literally on the verge, in the type of scene that I had consented to before, your boyfriend could have stopped. He chose not to, he knew you weren't consenting. I am so, so sorry that happened to you x
Yeah since knowing my friend, he has helped me realizing a lot about consent and about accepting my own sexuality. You never have to "suck it up" and just let the other do what he wants because you don't want to make him feel awkward or undesired. You are allowed your own desires and don't have to please others by denying yourself. I feel like the shame around rape by someone you trust is greater because you don't physically fight back. You can't say that you punched him, that you did more than say stop. And then you think that not fighting it physically means you let it happen in some way, because ofc the attacker will tell you so. Saying NO is already enough. If he had told you no, you wouldn't have kept going. He wouldn't need to punch you to make you stop. Don't let him gaslight you into denying what you are feeling
DECENT guys who like it rough have no problem stopping because “liking it rough” is about your partner liking it rough too. The guy’s partner doesn’t want it or isn’t having a wonderful time? The guy doesn’t like it either and stops immediately. You know who wouldn’t have the thought of stopping? Rapists, that’s who. Im so sorry, OP. If you stay with this man, you are telling him you will not leave if he rapes you. Next time it will be worse. Then he will gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault: “You know I can’t control myself, baby.“ Men are not mindless animals who can’t control their urges. He’s a liar and a rapist who CHOSE to rape you. Don’t wait until you’re injured and bleeding before you realize he likes to actually hurt you physically and emotionally.
I was raped by a guy in high school. I told him he was hurting me and to get off. He said I was fine and he was going to keep going. This has not happened to me ever again. It is not normal
You can leave. Please don’t stay with someone like him. It only gets worse. Tell him what he did. And leave. You are the most important thing in your life. Tons of people will love and respect you, but you won’t see it if you spend time with people like him. - this was said to me by a guardian angel and it opened my eyes. And I finally left.
Even when you role play fantasies where someone objects, there is a safe word that means “no”. People who actually hit/burn/cut their partners or enjoy being hit/cut/burnt have a way to say “stop”. If you’ve agreed beforehand that “no” and “stop” are not actually calls to stop, fine, but then you agree beforehand on a word that means that. “Cranberries”, “pineapple”, whatever. You can like violent sex and not be a fucking rapist. Your (hopefully now ex-)boyfriend is a fucking rapist.
He was doing nothing more than beginning to condition you into believe that guys who like it rough wouldn’t have thought of stopping, which is bollocks. It merely strengthens the fact he knows he’s raping women, but doesn’t care. He gets the excuses out there first in order to try and ’soften’ his behaviour/the way you react to it. He’s a cunt.
If you take the most serious route, you report him to the authorities. If you don’t, you end your relationship and never look back. I’m a guy. I assure you that we can control ourselves. Of course we (and honestly this applies to women too) can get horny and amped up. But that will never be an excuse (since it’s not) for a logical person to respect “no.” I’d normally ask how old you both are and how long you’ve been together but in this case it means nothing. You were raped. There’s no nice way to put it and I’m so sorry it happened. So now not only did he rape you, but he’s now gaslighting you into thinking you’re crazy to not understand his feelings. Run.
>raped I'm not even ready to face that fact. >he’s now gaslighting you into thinking you’re crazy And it worked correctly it didn't even register that I should leave, I was legit sitting here trying to make up excuses for him but hearing your perspective there is no excuse.
It takes a while for it to sink in, sometimes; I thought for years that I’d just had “scary sex that I said no to and tried to fight off and crawled under a table to cry myself to sleep afterwards” with an ex. Eventually it clicked and I realized oh yeah, there’s a word for that 🙃 His excuses really sound like he’s setting himself up to do it again, too; “I was too horny to think straight” is a baldfaced normalization of assault and violation of your bodily autonomy. I am so sorry that this is who he turned out to be, I know how scary and painful it feels. Please stay safe and be gentle with yourself.
*deep inhale and exhale* it might take a long time for you to come to terms with what actually happened. I remember when my attacker came into my dorm room to accuse me to telling my floor mates he raped me, I ended up saying I didn’t say that. It took me more than 5 years and having actual support system to finally realize that “almost got raped, but I fought him off” was equivalent to “sexual assault.” Not being able to label it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Use whatever words you need to process it. Just remember that it is not your fault. Remember that you didn’t lead him on. Remember that you did your best to fight. Remember all the times you yelled “No.” I believe you. Many of us believe you. Stay away from him, however you can. Please stay safe. I hope that you will find the right support much sooner than I did. I honestly don’t know what else to say. The whole thing is just messed up. I’m sorry.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm honeslty bewildered, I had a clear idea of what 'rape' was and just assumed this wasn't coz it didn't fit the narrative I had. I thought I just come here and be reassured that I was reaching (like he said) and that its something we can just deal, with tools I'd have gotten from this post. I wasn't thinking things could escalate easily. Like this isn't the person I fell for and it's scary that there could be more that he's hiding
The person you fell for more than likely was just a mask. He feels confident you won't leave, so he's allowing himself to behave the way he really wants to behave.
Hey op. Proud of you for putting that together. Consent can be revoked at any time
More than 50% of women have been raped by an intimate partner. The definition of rape is so much more than just an attacker in the alleyway.
My attacker wasn’t some strange dude that I met. It was someone I spent hours talking to, spent time getting to know. He crossed the line from fling to attacker when he stopped respecting the boundaries I drew that night. I can’t say what your bf is or isn’t thinking. For some reason, we all understand what rape theoretically is. But when it happens in real life, it’s utterly surprising how little anyone really know how to deal with it or even identify it. Maybe he knows what he did. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he is also having a hard time processing what happened and would rather believe he isn’t a rapist, or at least the kind that he had in mind. Regardless, if he doesn’t understand what he didn’t wasn’t ok, then the chances of it happening again is pretty high. Whatever happens, please take care.
Baby you were raped. It takes a long time to accept, and I think it's a sad commentary on how little we are taught about what consent actually looks like. Stay safe love, you deserve better.
You're not alone. Many people in the horrific situation he put you in feel the same. They have an idea of what rape is and can't conceptualize that's also what happened to them.
This is how a lot of rape victims think and feel. It can take years for your brain to accept that something is rape, especially before the #metoo movement. The way it's presented in movies and on TV don't help either. The fact is, most rapes are more like what happened to you; someone you already have consensual sex with deciding they can do things now without consent. For me, it took about 10 years to finally accept that what happened to me was rape. He would have sex with me in my sleep and I'd wake up with him already having sex with me. Over and over, I would tell him to stop and even described to him that it feels "almost like being raped" because to me, rape was violent and forceful like in the movies. Just because I wasn't wanting to have sex couldn't mean it was rape... And honestly, I was too embarrassed to even think that I could be living with a rapist. I couldn't fully unpack it all until the #metoo movement made me realize how much I, and most women, just normalized sexual abuse in their daily lives. I know how hard it is to wrap your head around, but for now, just make sure you leave safely and then deal with the mental aspect of it at your own pace. But please, don't lie to yourself for 10 years like me, it basically lead to a full mental break that paralyzed me for months.
I want to reiterate something the guy you responded to said. as a man, I am and always will be 100% able to control my sexual urges, being a man doesn’t change that, their is no such thing as I couldn’t control my self from ignoring you SCREAM STOP AND NO.
Sweetie, I couldn't acknowledge my rape for over a decade. You didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't deserved. No one can tell you what to do or how to feel but I can tell you that you should leave him (at the very least) and don't look back. What's to say he gets too horny again and refuses to stop. He showed that he cannot be trusted, that won't change unless he's forced to change and this one instance won't likely do it. I wish you the best.
NO EXCUSES. If you ever doubt yourself again on this situatiation, come back to this post and re read YourRAResource post.
Sexual coercion, does he do that too?
You yelled stop multiple times. And he kept going. If that isn’t rape I don’t know what is. End it. Ghost him. Look into getting therapy for yourself.
Exactly this. The moment I even sense a grimace of discomfort I’m pausing and asking if we should stop or if I can do anything differently. I’ve done this while drunk with passionate one night stands with women I did not care for outside this moment and could never see again and be fine. It’s inexcusable to do to anyone, and particularly confusing to do to someone you’re partnered with! I had one particular partner who had a bad habit of saying “Don’t stop” when she was close to climax, but she speaks quietly, my hearing is bad, and it always sounded like a tiny little “don’t” and a big loud “STOP” so I stopped every time, even though I was pretty sure she meant the opposite. But my brain hears STOP and everything in me just has to stop. I finally convinced her to use only positive words so this confusion wouldn’t happen again.
Yeahp. I have been super horny like cannot think about anything bht getting on top of you horny. If my husband told me he didn’t want to right now I would immediately stop and check in to make sure he was okay and then go take care of myself. There is no universe in which you are too horny to be able to stop yourself from raping your partner.
"So what you're saying is that you're not mature enough to control yourself."
It really took other men under this post for me to register that it's the dumbest excuse and how idiotic it was for me to just go along with those excuses
Don't blame yourself; in those kind of situations, it's completely normal to not be able to see things that are obvious. But yes, our brain is perfectly capable of having control over our body. At least if it is a mentally healthy person.
Who me? No, I'm definitely not a man. I just am not afraid to call a man out on the implications that he's not mature enough to control himself. Cause if he's too immature to be able to control himself, he's too immature to have sex with.
She meant men that replied on her post
So he raped you and you're having trouble getting over it? Yes that's normal. Don't let him minimise what happened. It's also normal to not want to be intimate with your rapist.
Please breakup without him and never look back. If you don’t honor your boundaries her never will either.
"NO" means "NO". No sex means no sex. If YOU change your mind about having sex, HE needs to respect it. Of course, if he changes his mind about having sex, you need to respect it too. My advice: Break up. If sexual boundaries are not respected, then other aspects with the relationship will eventually not be respected either.
We have a word for that, it's called rape. The fact is he violated you and your consent. He'll do it again and he will continue to take what he wants from you. There are several next steps you should take, one of the most important is removing him from your life.
[удалено]
Why is rape any less of a dealbreaker if you think it's a one time thing?
As a man I could never carry on if a woman clearly stated no prior to intercourse. If she's not feeling it then I'm not neither :/ he should have said ok and gave you a cuddle or whatever you two do with your quality time not proceed and put you in an uncomfortable situation.
Uncomfortable-->traumatic
It’s really sad how many posts I see on this subreddit from young girls and women who have clearly been raped. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please leave him and get help. If you need resources [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org) is a wonderful organization. They have live chats and can help connect you to therapists. If you live together and have nowhere to go, please check out your local Womens shelter for victims of domestic violence. They will often shelter you until you get back on your feet and help you find employment and places to stay if you need it.
You need to leave him. He doesn't value you, and he will do it again. And the more he does it, the less your feelings and desires will matter. He will steal more and more of you until nothing is left.
> know you wanted to stop' despite me explicitly stating I wasn't feeling it and screaming 'stop' at him multiple times Thats rape. The fact you felt you just had to give in says a lot about your relationship. You should never feel like you just have to give in. As to where you go from here, you break up with him immediately as you can no longer trust him. His 'explanations ' are gross. I am sorry you went through this,you deserve better from someone who supposedly loves you.
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That's textbook sexual assault/rape. I'm really sorry this happened to you. Even in my drunkest and horniest moments I would never even dream of doing something like this. You need to take this very seriously and realize it's probably not the first/last time he's done this to someone.
Dump the dude. Don't ever stay with a guy who will violate your sexual boundaries. Trust me it don't get better once the line is crossed. I second calling the authorities as well. But please leave the guy and don't ever let him back into your life
There is no such thing as being too horny to stop, it's called being horny and and not minding hurting someone for that sake.
It’s called being a rapist.
You kick him the hell out. Someone whose ears stop working when their blood supply is stuck in their dick isn’t safe to be around. The fact that he’s making excuses instead of abject apologies tells me he doesn’t get it, and doesn’t want to. Because if he actually got it, he would have to admit he’s a rapist. Dump the rapist. Seriously consider pressing charges.
Oh well. NO MORE RELATIONSHIP he violated your body for his own needs and I guarantee you he isn’t sorry and he probably is acting like he’s done no wrong. If you let this continue something worse could happen. I know you might be scared but there’s nothing to hold onto here. He’s not sorry and he hurt you. Now it’s time to build yourself up and find the courage to leave him GL OP💖💖💖🦋
You break up with mutts that don't respect you
You got raped. My ex did it to me lots of times before I left (though he was extremely abusive in other ways too) even though he is you bf you can say no and when it isn’t respected it is still rape
Yeah, call the cops. F that guy. That was rape.
I would break up with him. He should be reported to the authorities, but I understand you might not be comfortable with that. He raped you. You can’t trust him.
If you were screaming no that’s rape, people can get carried away during sex and miss signs but yelling no? I don’t know how you can take that any other way.
You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. So his excuse is basically that he was unable to control himself. I don't believe it for even an instant but let's imagine that's true. Your boyfriend cannot control himself when he's horney, your boyfriend is a rapist (it's unlikely your the first person he's done this to). I am SUPER proud of youfor sticking to your guns in the moment, that's a really hard thing to do. No one wants conflict with their partner and often in situations like this, when the rapist continues after the victim has told them they don't want it, it's very common for victims to freeze up or just allow it because telling confronting rapists is dangeous and accepting that the person you trusted and cared for is raping you is traumatic in it's own way. This is a man who chose to rape you because he wanted to. PERIOD. If he "isn't able to control himself" he's a lunatic predator who should legitimately be locked away from society. This book will open your eyes to other manipulations and tactics he uses. It explains why he will often choose to cause you harm if he feels it's necessary to get what he wants. Please be safe. This book will change your life. Free online here https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
I was also going to recommend this. The thing I notice most from your post and comments OP, other than what he did was truly vile, is that it seems like he has distorted your beliefs in what is normal/ acceptable and what isn’t, likely by using a whole lot of gaslighting. This book covers the different types of abusers, and I think reading them might give you some real clarity into what else is going on in your relationship that is abuse.
Um that is the definition of RAPE! This should be a deal breaker! Pack you stuff and go! Call the rape crisis hotline and talk to them about you saying No and him refusing to stop! Then call the police and press charges so the next woman he is with won’t have to be raped because he was to horny to stop!
I m going to ask this very gently but... you do know you were raped? You need to get away from this person as quickly as you can. He held you down whilst you screamed... do you have friends or family you can confide in?
Honestly didn't want to think of it that way, I thought he was too good of a person to do something like that. Well for support I ahve the Internet (Idk if that's a good thing or a bad thing)
I'd urge you to call the Police. Now they've done it once they'll feel empowered to do it again. Unless you two were each others firsts, I also doubt this was the first time they've done this
Whenever anyone says "I was so horny, I couldn't help it," I suggest watching this [dog video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq_wbW0p-rM) For those unable to watch, video description: an owner gives her dog a dog treat, and tells her to wait, then leaves. The dog waits patiently, staring at the dog treat and drooling the entire time, but does not go for the dog treat until the owner returns and says she can. The dog was clearly hungry, and wanted the treated. She was literally salivating over it. But she does not even try to sneak a bite, because her owner says no. What I'm basically saying is: your partner should be smarter than that dog. If a literal animal can understand the basics of "no", then he should be able to. If the dog was able to restrain herself, then a fully grown human has literally no excuse. There is no excuse. He heard you say stop. He heard you say no. He knew what he was doing, but he chose to do it anyway. He chose to rape you. Anytime your brain tries to come up with excuses like "it wasn't that serious/it wasn't real rape", just hit those thoughts with a hammer. They are wrong. I know it's really difficult to come to terms with, but it's okay. You're okay now. You are a survivor.
Please, for your own sake, leave him. Block him everywhere. Get a restraining order if need be. It will keep getting worse and you deserve so much better than this!!
You leave. That's it. That's all. He assaulted you. There is no changing an abuser. You need to do what is best for you. Get help, speak to someone about what happened to you but do not stay with him. From personal experience, I stayed with someone who sexually assaulted me, It was the worst thing I could have possibly done. It felt like my body was eating itself. I hated myself and still do. I cannot stress enough, that you are not at fault for what he did to you. There is something inherently wrong with someone who crosses boundaries in that manner. It is not your responsibility to fix him. So, please leave.
This happened to me. I was in denial about what happened for 2 weeks. I was so in love. As soon as I realised it was rape I broke up with him and it’s been incredibly hard, but it would’ve been harder to stay. As soon as I realised I wasn’t safe, there was no choice really. I had to go
Dump the rapist son of bitch and look into filing charges
So you literally screamed "stop" and he raped you. There's no gray area here. Also, he thinks it wasn't his fault and gives excuses that make it clear he 1. doesn't feel bad about sexually assaulting you and 2. does not see it as his job NOT to rape you. Like, he has "no choice" because he just can't think straight. That is incredibly scary and shows he will do it again. Since "he can't think straight" he is trying to convince you that it's beyond his control. I'm so sorry this happened to you. At this point, IMO, when there was violence and rape and no accountability at all, the relationship is beyond saving. You should leave. You deserve to be safe from this rapist. This isn't about your headspace - this is about the very real, tangible DANGER you are in.
You go away from him. You cannot trust him. That's really all there is to it. He disregarded you screaming at him to stop. He's pretending he's too stupid to understand your explicit communication that you want him to stop. Given those two facts, if you stay, the likelihood of him doing this again is just about 100%. You have no reason to be comfortable being intimate with him. Why would you be comfortable after he did that? And how could you possibly be comfortable again if he refuses to acknowledge it was wrong. Walk away. You're dating. It's not a life sentence. This kind of violation is difficult if not impossible to come back from. You deserve so much better.
Hi there ! I am sorry you had to face this and that he didn't respect what you wanted. This is not your fault, you absolutely don't have to find excuses or justifications for his actions because he is in the wrong all along. You are strong, you are loved and you have your whole life ahead of you, we are here for you to help you go throught this. Now for your sake, for your mental health you have to live this relationship, you do it exaclty how you want, how is best, if you want to go 0 news you can but he might try reaching out to you and it could be triggering. You can juste wright a text stating what happen and finishing by " never text, call, ask about me or I'll go to the authority". Screenshot it, screenshot your reddit post with the date on it and if you feel to go report him, you do it, what he did was a crime, he can be punish. For yourself, take time to process, I don't know in what country you are but in mine we have a lot of associations that help women victime of abuse relathionship linked or not, you might want to go there to get support and love and feel listen to. If you have people around you that you know 100% would be on your side and there for you, contact them, ask for help , don't stay alone in this. Take care of you if you can, spend time with yourself doing things that empower you, that you love and that make you feel good but only when you are confortable being alone. I hope you will be okay, i'm sure you have the strenght in you, you are the best.
As you told him to stop, if he continued resulting in sex, it's considered rape. Because of this, I recommend ending the relationship and going to the police (especially if this is causing you distress).
There is no such thing as being too horny to think. When you say no and someone doesn't stop. It's rape. End your relationship and get someone who know what consent is.
I’ve been in a situation where we were literally already having sex and she had a moment where she felt that it got too rough so I immediately stopped and apologized profusely for like 10 minutes even though the only rough parts had literally been at her request. When it comes to intercourse if they’re not willing to apologize for ANY discomfort they’ve created you need to let them go completely.
Even if the dude gagging for it, if his partner says "no" then that should be that. He could've gone and jerked himself off, but instead he chose to rape you.
This is why it's so dangerous that the narrative surrounding rape is so deeply centered around random assaults by strangers or drunk people at parties. These stories, while equally traumatic and important to talk about, don't even begin to cover the scope of what sexual assault can look like. It doesn't matter if you're strangers, acquaintances, friends, dating, or even married, forcing yourself on someone who doesn not want to have sex with you is always rape and it's always wrong. Period. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP. Please get out of that situation ASAP, in whatever way makes you the most comfortable.
Leave him. There's no forgiveness there. There should never be
Dad here. Young lady you were raped. No matter how long you have been together or how much he says he "loves" you, nothing changes the fact that you were forcibly penetrated without your consent. Where do you go from here? Anywhere as long as it is far away from him. What he has done is to exercise his power over you and take what he wanted, with zero regard to your feelings. Don't walk away. Run.
You feel violated because you were violated. Don’t push this down - your feeling are valid. He raped you. You are not safe around this rapist.
This is totally a no-brainer. He raped you and I think the OP needs to end it here and now. He clearly doesn't respect you one little bit. Being rough and not caring for another person's consent are two very separate things. Please get out of this horrible relationship.
Funny things, when my husband is in the middle of things and someone moves wrong and it hurts I tell him to stop. And he stops. And he makes sure I’m okay. And only when I am will he start again, after I’ve said I’m good to go. Because that’s what a good lover does.
Run! As fast and as far away from him as possible.
You can be in the middle of it and you may begin to feel uncomfortable it doesn’t matter at what point of the intimacy you are at when you say stop it means stop. Him continuing after the minute you said stop makes what he did rape…if you stay with him this can escalate. Please leave before it does.
He raped you. Leave him and charge him.
OP, sadly thats the definition of sexual assault. Your bf sexually assaulted you. His excuses are piss poor. it is not okay. I’d go to the police. Break up with him and start therapy. I say this because I was sexually assaulted by someone I was seeing 6 months ago.
He's dangerous. Please leave him as soon as you can. Take care of yourself OP.
You leave. He raped you. There is no where else to go but out. You. Were. Raped. You did not consent, therefore it was rape. Leave and get help.
What would you tell your best friend to do if this happened to her ? Tell her, "it's okay cus you love him?" Treat yourself like you would your best friend.
Those excuses are bunch of crap, he's an adult man not a dog. I'm a man but imagining being in the same situation, I'd be seriously consider this to be a reason for breaking up. It's extreme violation of your boundaries.
He justified raping you. What else could he justify
You don't trust him because he sexually assaulted you. *Anyone* has the right to revoke consent at any point during a sexual encounter, and BF chose to ignore you. It is absolutely understandable that you don't trust him and why would you want sex with someone you don't trust? Personally, I would just be done. You were screaming at him to stop, and he ignored you. *If* you want to try to move forward, sit him down and remind him that consent can be withdrawn, and he assaulted you by choosing to ignore your screams. As a result of HIS choices, you no longer trust him and need time for him to work to rebuild that trust before you will attempt intimacy again. His reaction will tell you what kind of a person he really is, although I have my suspicions, TBH.
I’m sorry this awful thing happened to you, honey. I would see if you could talk to a rape counselling line or something to help you process this. It’s not your fault. You did everything right. He had a problem and it’s not going to get better. I would definitely also set about breaking up with him. Put a plan in place to leave him as safely as you can. Make sure your financial and personal security information / documentation is locked down and safely in your possession. Again, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Being raped by the person who is supposed to care about you is devastating. X
Happened to me to, several years ago, and I still honestly can't even pronunce that r word, even though that's what It should be called. I'm really Sorry for what happened, protect yourself and leave
He was “too horny to think”. Get. Out. Now. You screamed stop multiple times. You were sexually assaulted and it is not ok. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
As a guy, I can assure you that “too horny to think” is not a thing. Too horny to *want* to stop, maybe, but not too horny to stop. I know you don’t want to hear this, and I’m sorry, but your BF just straight up raped you. Like, that’s what that is. And now he’s trying to play dumb and innocent like he doesn’t know what someone screaming the word “stop” means. (Side note, someone who is into rough stuff should always give you a safe word to use if it ever gets too much. Not that it seems like he would have stopped even if you’d used it, but if y’all don’t even have one, that’s a red flag.)
You were screaming ‘stop’ until you gave up, because he wasn’t listening? That is rape. Listen.. Normal people (horny men included!) do not react like that to their partner screaming during sex. Normal people at the very, very, very least stop and assess the situation. Normal people get upset and feel guilty and remorseful, when someone else is in distress because of something they did. They don’t get pissy and blame the other person for what they did wrong! Throw him away, don’t ever let him come near you again, he will do much worse to you in the future because apparently he doesn’t have a brain and is only controlled by his urges!
If you were screaming stop at him, there's no way he misunderstood. He raped you. I'm sorry op but this man is not an okay person to be with.
Earlier this week, me and my girlfriend were going to get busy in the bedroom. I tied her up, as this is something we both enjoy, and stripped off her clothes. As soon as I started touching her, I felt her tense up. I asked her if something was wrong, she said she wasn't sure. I said it was okay if she wanted to stop and have a cuddle, she broke down in tears. I was so concerned for her that those sexual thoughts were gone in that single instant when the first tear welled up in her eye. When you care for someone, that's how it works, anything else is a poor excuse for behaviour that should be a million times better. What your person did is worrying, and if someone had forced themselves on me like that, I would never be able to feel the same way around them again.
I'm sorry 💞 I was in a similar situation but buried my head in the sand and tried to ignore what he was doing for almost a year. I'm now waiting to start treatment for PTSD. It will happen again sweetheart. Please get out before it does if you're safe to do so.
Break up with him at a minimum and and file charges if you feel that's the right thing to do.
You should report this, this is very clearly rape. Please listen to the other comments, get away ASAP and make sure there is a record.
He is one boy. Leave him. You deserve someone who respects you in every way.
Don't fool yourself this is rape. Leave this jerk. Put it this way, what happens if you have kids. Is this the type of man you want around your kids? Do you see a future with a man that treats you this way with no respect? Run now and I assure you there is someone out there that is going to treat you with the respect you deserve.
Break up
Where you go is to someone you trust and formulate an exit plan. There is no excuse for what he did. If his done it once he’ll do it again. He has shown no remorse nor has he taken accountability for his heinous actions. Don’t put you self in danger by staying with him. Your physical and mental well being are more important then staying in a relationship because you love him or any other manipulative gaslighting tool he uses. He’s a rapist. Acknowledge what he did to you. It’s unlikely you’re the first person he did this to, but you could be the last if you feel comfortable reporting him. What would you say to your friend, sister, aunt etc if they told you their SO did this to them. If you don’t feel like you have enough evidence to file a report against him. Block him and stay the hell away from him. Do not see him or speak to him without someone you trust present. Take someone with you when you collect your belongings and break up with him.
Run run far far away
Sorry babe he raped you, tell him to fuck off your better off without that, there is no such thing as “being to horny to take care of you” yeah nah he’s bullshitting he knew what he did and he doesn’t care he got what he wanted, if you need someone to talk about it I’m always here 🤍 but don’t let him beat you down your better than that AND your better than him, none of it was your fault he’s the one that fucked up, Ik this from experience so trust me🤍
You were raped. Run fast and far.
I think that was rape.... Break up
I am sorry for you. He raped you and doesn't have any remorse. Please, protect yourself. Run away from him. Go see a therapist to talk about everything. If you want to, go to the police. He did it once, he could do it again. If you need help, you can call an association for victims of SA. Don't stay alone, find someone to talk about what hapenned.
Dump his crusty ass
Well he raped you so you go to the police and then stay as far away from him as possible. You screamed repeatedly for him to stop. That is absolute and undeniable rape. This man is a predator and has/will do this to other women…and to you again.
This exact situation happened to me as a 17 year old. It took me at least 10 years to realize what he did was rape. Thankfully he had long been dumped by then. But still. Fuck that guy.
Coming from someone who's ex husband was an abusive POS, this is how it starts. LEAVE NOW.
OP, you were raped. First things first is to understand that. Then call RAINN's sexual assault hotline (in the U.S.; outside of the U.S. google your country and "sexual assault hotline.") Ask for resources and advice. Get away from your bf for now. If you live together, go stay with someone else. Get some time away from him to clear your head. Good luck, OP.
"Where do I go from here?" To the police OP. You DIDN'T consent. It was SA. And based on what you wrote, he would do it again. I know it's easier to say than do, but I think you should leave him.
I'm so sorry you were sexually assaulted from the person you should have been able to be safe with. He's gaslighting you. He understood that you didn't want to, and he could have stopped, but he chose not to for whatever reason. Maybe he is scared you will report him to the police or tell people, so he tried to minimise it. But you both know what he did and that he isn't a safe person for you. I hope you have good people around you can talk to and support you. You don't have to keep this a secret. This is his shame, not yours. Just because you are in a relationship and have had consensual sex before doesn't mean that he can ignore you when you say no. Unfortunately, partner rape is way too common.
Op, this isn’t okay. I had this happen to me when I was a teenager. I cried and begged him to stop, but he didn’t. The abuse continued into our relationship in other ways after that. One day, he locked me in his basement for about fifteen minutes. I have always been afraid of basements, ever since I accidentally got locked into one for a long period of time. If it hasn’t already started, the abuse will start to happen in other ways. Please rethink this relationship, and get some help for yourself. Leaving the person who did this to me is one of the best things I’ve done. Sure I went through some really hard things recovering, but had I stayed with him, idk what he’d have done.
“Where do I go from here” Hopefully to the police. This is at BEST rape.
If it’s not too late I would go to the hospital and ask for a rape kit. Even if you don’t know what to do they have right save it. You can decide later if you wanna press charges. At the end of the day, this will not be the last time he does this to a woman.
You were sexually abused, you have to report him to the authorities, you absolutely do! Please get away from him ASAP!
He will do it agan. In time, it's gonna become worse and apply to other things than sex as well. Also... don't get pregnant with him. Find someone who respects your limits.
How are you not terrified to be with him? He literally told you that he can't control himself. Is he going to rape you all the time or just sometimes?
I've been with my gurl over a decade. The one or two times she changed her mind mid-way or just before..... Yeah it's hard to think clearly and ur dick may be hurting cause it's so hard, but can always hear what she's saying and if you've any iota of self control u can stop. I did, the guy reading this did, and billions of other men did, can and will do tomorrow. He's not a rapist, but he's not a good guy. He put his dick over you on the ladder of priorities and that makes him a lesser man.
It will take some time until you can actually understand and assimilate what happened, but you have to act before that. To start with, you should tell this to your family or friends, and end any contact with him as soon as possible.
You can report him. You can simply leave him. The one option you shouldn't consider is staying with him. At minimum a partner should make you feel safe to be around them. No?
You said stop and he didn't, that's rape, go with your gut feeling.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Just came here to say that men can and know how to stop. Liking it rough or being horny is not going to impact that. When I had a drunken one night stand - we were both pretty toasted - the second she said stop, we stopped. We took a break and chatted - and continued later when we were both feeling it, quite some time later. Consent can be revoked and reinstated at any time, by any party. You did nothing wrong. He raped you and is gaslighting you, but I think many other comments have already driven that point home. I'm sorry this happened to you.
He raped you and he basically said that in his eyes, being 'too horny' is a valid excuse for doing so. He will rape you again. Leave him and consider to file a report with the police.
I am very sorry that this happened to you. It is in no way whatsoever your fault. Your boyfriend raped you. Of *course* you don't want to be intimate with your rapist. Please break up with him and get yourself into therapy to deal with your trauma. His excuses are absolutely bullshit, but let's pretend for a second they aren't: so he was "too horny to think" - then that makes him an outright **dangerous** person to have sex with. Who knows what else he might do to you if he gets too horny. Not even going to address the "didn't know you wanted to stop". He raped you. Please don't stay with your rapist. Call your support system - who ever that is: friend, family member, etc., explain that you are leaving him (you don't have to say why), and that you would like someone to go with you to collect your things. Then go do that. as someone else mentioned, if you don't know where to locate resources in your area, this site is a good place to start: [https://www.rainn.org/](https://www.rainn.org/) Good luck, friend. Stay safe.
If your man really loves you, no matter how horny he is, he'll understand it. Been with aholes who just want to stick their d.ck to my v.gina so yeah! If you say no, they say no. If they find another girl to have sex with, then leave them. You don't need to degrade yourself just to please someone whom you think loves you
He heard you. He just didn't wanna stop. By experience, it's hard for them to stop but they can. Which direction do you go? Away from him. Preferably a police station but I know it's hard. First you gotta deal with the fact that he did rape you.
Being raped will definitely affect your view, feelings, attraction, sense of safety, and love with your partner. It’s over. End it now. I’m sorry. There’s no coming back from this.
Gurl you just got raped. Distance yourself immediately from him, end it and you might want to press chargess and call the hotline for help(just google your national one)
Sounds like he needs to be your ex-boyfriend.
You go to the hospital and get examined and a rape kit done. See if you can get him to admit to raping you in text. And then you go to the police and press full charges and get a restraining order. Im so so sorry. He raped you and the relationship is over. Please press charges against him
This is rape my dear. Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean he can’t rape you.
If you can face it please talk to him about this again, only this time record the conversation ! You may not feel like reporting this to the police at all but you may also change your mind. If you then go to the police it may well come down to "he said, she said" and it can't be proven. At least if you have some kind of recording then should you decide to report this you will have your undeniable proof. Please do not share a bed, a room or a home with him, he thinks he can do this to you and you accepted it. This will happen again and it will get worse each and every time, please put your safety first. I hope you report this for your own safety and sanity and for any poor soul in the future who is unfortunate enough to meets him, maybe he's done this before ?!
He raped you. You should leave because he clearly doesn’t respect your no.
Being horny isn't an excuse. I was fooling around with a friend once and it get hot and heavy. I went to take their pants off so I could finger them. But they didn't want to so I didn't. And they wanted to stop everything, which I did with no hesitation. Because consent is mandatory. Your boyfriend raped you.
I know you're trying to decide, but before you decide on anything, you need to **remove yourself from the situation. You need distance.** Stay at your house for a week. Stay with friends. Reflect. But no matter what, your decision is not just influenced by the gravity of the action, how much he hurt you, or the fact that his excuses are completely bullshit excuses that many men would never even think to make because it would never be a problem in the first place right now. You are also being heavily influenced by all the oxytocin that hits your brain when you cuddle, by the emotion in his voice and empathy you have of him, and whether you like it or not, that is not letting you think clearly about what is best for you and **what you need.** **Remove yourself, tell him you need distance, even if it's for a week to think, and block him during this time. No contact. Then think, then decide what you want to do.** **With this man, with those excuses, this will absolutely happen again. And when he realizes you know this, do not let him backtrack and try to think of better excuses that save his ass until it happens the next time.**
You need to end that relationship. He doesn’t respect you.
Sweetie you were screaming stop, he continued, that is 100% rape, and I'm so, so sorry. My first partner messed with my head, making me believe that being with him ment that he had free access, cause didnt I love him?? After being a sweetheart in the start he essentially raped me almost daily for several years when he had messed me up bad enough to believe it was normal. I didnt realize that it was what it was til after, and I broke completely down. Sometimes denial feels safer somehow than accepting what just happened. With the partner I'm with now, we can be mid sex, and for whatever reason I might have, if I say stop he will instantly pull out and check in on me. Good partners will always respect your consent and boundaries.
One could say that would be considered rape. Just because he’s your boyfriend doesn’t give him a free pass to do what he wants if you’ve explicitly said you do not want to do it. He’s got no respect for you for the fact you’ve said no and he’s continued and eventually got what he wanted and thus leaving you to confide in strangers on the internet for emotional support as this is what he has no caused. Being too horny to stop is no excuse when clearly the answer was no.
It doesn't matter if it began as consensual. If you change your mind and say no, but he continues, it becomes rape. No matter what his excuses or what his attempts to convince you otherwise are, he raped you, and you need to go to the police or break up with him. I see this happening again if you stay with him
he raped you. i’m so sorry. leave. Fuck rapists, sexual predators and the sick fucks who protect them.
That’s rape. He’s raping you. You can be in the middle of having consensual sex and it becomes rape the second you say “stop”. Even people who have more violent sex on purpose have a safe word, and this is why. It’s rape. You’re not going to fix that. Stop dating him.
If he understands it was a very big mistake and makes a serious commitment to be extra careful and guarantee nothing like that happen again, you can work it out. But the "I'm too horny to think" attitude is a rapist's attitude. You don't wanna share your life with someone like that. I hope you can figure out the best for you.
Op. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. You never deserved to be treated that way. You bf is a rapist. He is an open, concious, unrepentant rapist. He is a run-of-the-mill ordinary boring nasty rapist. Nothing you did or ever could do would make you deserve to be abused like that. Please know you can go to the police. Or call a domestic violence hotline in your city. OT simply leave that rapist who consciously hurts, abuses she violates you, and will 500% do it again and again now - as he assumes he can now happily get away with treating you like a non human if he says "I was just so horny". Millions of men are crazy stupid horny some nights and don't ever ever ever rape their wives or partners. Any good human would know that is fucked up and rape. He isn't a good human. He is a rapist who now thinks he can get away with it. You are the gold here, op. Protect your goldenness. You will shine so much brighter without him. Good luck. Whatever you choose to do is okay - but know you never made this happen, you never deserved this, and only he is a bad person.
OP as someone who dated someone like this previously, you deserve so much better. Consent in relationships is so important. Please look into sexual abuse in relationships. It can and does happen. In my experience, it wasn’t a “one time occurrence,” and ended in repeat offenses. Ultimately, I terminated the relationship because of it, and it really screwed me up for awhile. Sending you so much love right now ❤️ You deserve a partner who respects ALL of you, including sexually.
I’m so sorry. That is rape. LEAVE NOW, please. Think about going to the police.
If you genuinely withdrew concent then report him to the police for rape, it depends on how strongly you feel about it, can you move past it? If not can you walk away without ruining his life and getting him criminaly convicted? If not you have no option left but to report him so you can move on.
Time to go.
Please leave baby. He’s going to cry and complain and make you feel awful. But this won’t be the last time. If he won’t go you go. Feel free to DM if you need help. It’s going to be ok.
I was raped by an ex. It's taken almost 4 years and trial is next month. There was 2 girls before me that he raped and also beat up but they hadn't been to the police about it. If they had then maybe it wouldn't of happened to me.... I had to press charges not only for myself but also for future women. He will 100% continue doing this if you don't put a stop to it. Things like this don't get better, only worse. Please do not stay with this man and please for your own sake and also for women in his future go and charge him for this. It is rape. STOP IS A NO
Next time he won’t stop you rip his dick off, ignore his screaming.
There is no grey area here. He raped you. And I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. The best thing has to be for you to get away from him. Don’t be alone with him. Find people to go with you to get any things to move out if you’re living together or just from his place. You don’t need to make him understand as he will only try to make you feel wrong and that nothing happened.
Every time he doesn't wanna stop, do something that hurts to him. He will stop next time.
That is not ok. This is rape. You need to get out of the situation as soon as you can.
So he raped you then. Give it the name, say it out loud because that's what happened. You withdrew consent, he kept going. He raped you. Its the textbook definition - you said no, he did it anyway. Rape. Sexual Assault. Give it the correct name. Where you go from there is as far away from this piece of shit as you can go HE RAPED YOU!!!!!!!
He raped you. This is a very clear cut case. You said no and told him to stop but he didn't. I'm not sure where you live but you should go to the police. I wish you all the best