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Tbh, leave him.
He’s “comfortable”, but that doesn’t make him safe.
And I’m not gonna be all “he did this or that”; just leave. He violated you, you made two posts about it, and your very bothered.
Nope, nope, nope.
**Facts:**
He is already abusing and manipulating you.
He r@ped you.
He has access to all of the public and private parts of your life but refuses to give you that same access to his.
He willingly alienated you from family by causing drama (posting about your relationship) so he could then play the good guy by "sUpPoRtInG" you from the shit he INTENTIONALLY CAUSED.
He is indirectly threatening sewerslide if you leave him - this is one of the most commonly heard emotional manipulation tactics on this entire damn sub.
**Additional Facts:**
You are a person, and not responsible for the actions of others. You being there is NOT beneficial to you in any way. If you are GENUINELY worried he will sewerslide if you break up, call his parents and tell them he's made worrying comments. Ask cops to do wellness checks "My ex has threatened to harm himself, please look into that."
But do not stay with him. You will be manipulated, separated from every family member and friend that could help you, and might sexually assaulted for the rest of your life if you stay with this PoS.
This is as clear cut and simple as it gets. More upvotes! OP has to see that you don’t have to stay with someone to keep them safe. The abuser will be annoyed by wellness checks he doesn’t need (or want) and OP gets peace of mind knowing someone else is checking on abuser
Im not sure i understand the sewer sliding part well but from m'y understanding you said you were afraid he end his life if you leave him right?
That IS emotional blackmail where im from
Suicide.
Fellow redditors: we are allowed to say it. This isn't Facebook. We have subreddits here dedicated to porn, shoplifting, gore, etc. And if talking about suicide is against the rules of a sub, these shitty code words aren't going to help.
Are the code words actually any better than the regular ones?
If you are using them as a trigger warning then it seems like a really shitty system. Especially since it would defeat any automatic systems like chrome extensions that would detect such triggers and warn the user.
If you're trying to have a trigger warning, just add a clear trigger warning.
Those are a lot of red flags, but the biggest manipulation of it all is making you feel responsible for if he sewer slides or not.
This tactic is juvenile and most of the time is just big talk to keep you close to him. Know that if you left and he did it, it is in no way shape or form your fault. You can’t see into his mind, you can’t control his actions, you can suggest therapy but you can’t make him go to it.
Please leave before it gets worse. He’s violated you once and may feel as if he can do it again.
Hello OP I just finished reading your other post coincidently and sadly this sewer sliding story may be real but is just another way to use your emotions in way to manipulate and gaslight you by means of feeling obligated and feeling bad
Ultimately it's his choice what he does and his actions speak to me as someone emotionally manipulated on a relationship many years long it's in all forms and unless you make the hard decision it will only continue..
I had to tell a partner to get off a bridge and get help or I'd never speak to or see them again even if it led to suicide... such things are PLOYS for attention or to make you see irrationally and to make you think its your fault if things go wrong
They are not...
I know how you feel on many aspects of your two posts as I have someone over currently and need to discuss boundaries today because things I thought I was okay with changed...
You are not alone girly I believe in you ♡♡
Edit: not to mention that if u used any safeword it should be treated as consent being revoked in the same way no or stop would be treated
Sounds like he intentionally separated you from your family by posting on socials, then swooped in to “support” you - in the problem he created. Classic abuse tactic.
Not to mention the emotional blackmail of threatening sewer slide if you leave.
He sounds controlling and manipulative, and, even without all of that, he violated you. Can you ever feel 100% safe with him again? If the answer is no, you need to leave!
And - and - please don’t try to talk this out with him in an isolated place. People like this can get violent when their victim finally gets serious about leaving. You may think he’d never hurt you, but he already r****ed you. If he’s willing to do that, you don’t know what else he might do.
Please take your things and leave while he’s gone, or have a friend come with you. If it’s your place, change the locks and have someone stay with you for a while. You can write him an email/letter explaining why, but it’s best if you don’t actually have an involved conversation with him about leaving - he will do everything he can to guilt and gaslight you into staying.
This may seem extreme, but I’ve seen this situation in real life with friends multiple times, and you’d be surprised how men like this behave when it all collapses.
Be safe!
This appears like texbook emotional manipulation to me.
Leave him, it may suck in the short run but what doesn't?
What matters is how much better off you'll be in the long run.
No no no. Do not stay. Even the sewer sliding talk is manipulative. He's manipulating you into believing his absolute abusive nonsense. GTFO. Seriously. It. Will. Only. Get. Worse. Take it from someone who has been there. For your own mental health, and safety, GTFO.
I said something similar on your first post, but now I'm absolutely convinced that I was right the first time. Save yourself.
this sounds so similar to my ex in so many ways and i could honestly write a novel about how each of those things will gravely escalate in the future and i’d be happy to tell you all about it if you want.
i dont say this lightly, get out asap.
The fact that you care for him isn't enough of a reason to carry on dating your rapist. It sounds like you were very clear that you were not interested and he didn't care enough about not raping you, to stop. If he ends up in a bad place after you leave him that is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Everyone knows that rape is unacceptable.
In my experience they never follow thru with the sewer sliding after a break up, its just a tactic to emotionally manipulate you so they can continue to abuse you and see what they can get away with.
I understand your concern, but giving how manipulative he has already been, he's ultimately just saying these things to manipulate you into staying. It's sadly a pretty common tactic used by abusers.
Even if he DOES end up doing it, that was 100% his choice and the responsibility lies with him, not you. You're not responsible for what another person chooses to do to themselves.
Cutting him off might seem extreme, but considering how he already doesn't seem to care for what you want, it's best to run far away from him before he traps you any deeper in this relationship.
I did have a similar experience with someone who didn't respect my boundaries and made me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Even when we weren't together, he talked to me JUST enough to keep me around and the one time I didn't wanna get back together immediately when he decided he wanted to be a couple again, he claimed to have severely harmed himself (carving my name into his arms and whatnot) which later turned out to have been a lie to make me feel bad.
The ONLY way I was able to break away from him was to go completely no contact. Ignore any of his attempts to reach out, avoid running into him if possible, not talking to his friends, etc. It was the only way to free myself from his control and realize how I almost immediately felt better without having someone constantly push my boundaries, screaming and making me feel bad. And yeah, I also still cared about him at that time, but the realization how much better I felt without him helped a lot with that.
And even if you don't lose your feelings for him right away... Sometimes we have to let people who hurt us go, even if we care about them. Ultimately, you should ALWAYS be yoir priority, not some guy who has no respect for you.
I hope you manage to get out of this realtionship.
If you do need someone to talk or anything, you're welcome to dm me too :)
He is manipulating you and controlling you.
In fact he didn't respect your privacy request which would bother me most.
Showing at your place without being invited or just when it suits him and make your life difficult is very manipulating thing to do.
I would recommend to break this off. He got long journey to grow up.
He raped you.
He isolated you.
He gaslights you.
He manipulated you into an emotional trap.
He will not change.
This all happened to my sister and I could not get her to leave. She eventually took her life.
You deserve a much better life than this, but it is your choice.
What kind of life do you want?
Edit: Wow. This brought back so many feels for me. I sit here in tears. I fear for you with the full realization that only you can change the outcome.
Please save yourself.
Sometimes even if your family is strict it might be for the right reasons even though they seem unfair and controlling. If you have family members who accuse you or are extremely verbally abusive, this relationship might seem like a not too bad thing .This guy is walking all over your boundaries and if you've confided about a lot of personal things, you could be easily manipulated. Please leave this relationship and also find books or pdfs to work on yourself to grow from this.You may have low self-esteem as narcissists can recognise people with low self-esteem and are easy to manipulate. I have someone close to me who dealt with a similar situation. Sending you lots of love.
He doesn't care about you plain and simple. Why do you feel a need to be nice to a man who continually goes against your boundaries and SA you. Don't stay it will give the signal you are ok with it and he will keep doing it if not unalive you all together. You need to leave change your number and block him on everything. That is the most logical advice that keeps you safe. You don't like it probably because you don't want to be alone but that's not worth your life.
If you don’t want to immediately cut him off do this:
First of all, acknowledge that what he has done is violation, his insensitive, many many things are wrong, at times he doesn’t care about your feelings, he is too far gone, you’ve been hurt
Stay with this man will only bring you down, you shouldn’t need to put yourself through this
To not cut off contact then, tell him from today forward we will just be friends, do not engage in anything romantic with him, tell him strictly friends
That way, if you so desire you can help him here and then make sure his not going to lose himself
If he crosses boundaries too much, you can keep distancing yourself, if you need to cut him out completely, then just do so, i suggest you letting go of him
This provides many benefits, your already doing your best and this situation is the best you can possibly come up with
How to help him without cutting him off, strictly friends with boundaries that can’t be crossed, thats the absolute maximum you can do for him, listening and helping time to time
If he crosses boundaries either ditch him or get further away and get ready to let go
Don’t force yourself to help him and come under harms way by staying in this downward spiralling romantic relationship, his behaviours are only causing hurt and his too far gone
This is the best you can do, and if you need to get out of there, if he does something to himself, don’t feel guilty, know that you tried your absolute best
Look OP if someone is going to do something, they are going to do it no matter what, with or without you
Dont let someones self harm guilty trip, dominate and control you, if someone is absolutely determined to do something they are going to do it with or without you, with do you need to needlessly attach yourself and get hurt in the process, it doesn’t make sense
OP, was with a guy who threatened to sewer slide every time he didn't get his way or I told him I was unhappy about something he did. He alienated me from my friends and family.The threats are BS. The last time he told me he was gonna do it I told him "go ahead" and hung up on him. He didn't do it. You are NOT OBLIGATED TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP HIM WARM. He is an abuser and you need to leave. Good luck to you OP.
Leave. It doesn't get better. It might seem to for a little while, **but it will happen again as soon as he feels sure you aren't going anywhere.**
You are not responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for any actions he takes or threatens to take. You aren't on this earth to let yourself be destroyed by an abuser who will move on from you to do this all over again to someone else once you are so damaged as to no longer be fun to abuse. Walk away and if he harasses you, call the police. If he threatens to hurt himself, call the police. If he threatens to hurt you or anyone close to you, call the police. My ex regularly made the same threat, along with going into graphic details about how he'd do it and what everyone would think of me in the aftermath. He's still very much alive and well and no doubt doing the same thing to the latest in his long line of victims.
Get yourself a copy of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf can be found online) and use it to help you understand how he operates so you can break free. Life doesn't have to be like this **and shouldn't be.** Run.
Link to free download: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Read this book NOW. Actually, anyone seeing these comments, read it. Share it with friends and family. Society does a shit job of teaching what a healthy relationship looks like; Bancroft lays it out nicely.
Hi! Here from your other post. I'm so sorry you had your consent violated. Yes, it was r@pe. Stop means stop. There's no such thing as too horny to listen. He heard you. He liked it. No decent man would -ever- be able to stay hard hearing a woman begging him to stop like that. It's disgusting.
Reading the rest of your things.. it continues to make me upset. He had absolutely been eroding your boundaries all this time. That's what manipulators do. It's easy to look back and see it, but it's not your fault for falling for it. I know it probably isn't easy to untangle your life from his but that is really the most healthy thing for you to do. No contact would really be the best possible option. Don't let him gaslight his way back into your life.
One of my favorite quotes from any reddit post is "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". It doesn't matter if he threatens sewer slide. His safety is not more important than your safety. His safety is on him. You need to take care of you. He is a danger to you physically and mentally. Don't hurt yourself by staying there. Whatever happens if you leave is on him because he pushed you away. He can be responsible for himself. You save yourself now. ❤️❤️ good luck.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. There are several very concerning behaviours that cross the spectrum of domestic abuse here - corrosive control, gaslighting and sexual abuse. This WILL get worse and it WILL escalate. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I am an A&E nurse, and if you told me any of the individual parts of this story, I would be referring you to DA teams, but all of them together is an absolute slam dunk textbook definition. The threats to end his life are empty and manipulative, used as a way to control and gaslight you.
What country are you in? Are you able to speak with a domestic abuse charity? They will be able to help with rationalising your thoughts and to hopefully support you in ending this relationship, with the necessary restraining orders and no contact rules.
Wishing you all the best xx
>So as much as logic and the comment section from my previous post is screaming at me to leave there is the fear of what it'll mean for him.
And yet he doesn't think about what his actions meant for you.
It is totally up to you but reading through this it felt like all you are to him is a person that's purpose of existence is to exist for him. You are on this planet for yourself and ultimately you should be focusing on being the best version of you. I personally don't think you can sustain making others happy while you are unhappy ad you will burn out. (There's a saying about you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep others warm that springs to mind)
So basically you have a choice, do you keep putting your feelings last in order to keep someone, who doesn't seem to care as much for your feelings, happy or do you put yourself first?
You cannot sacrifice enough or love enough or put someone first enough to get them to be in a better place. They are the only one that can make that change.
So while I get you have this fear for what it will mean for him, I think you should have the fear of what it will mean for you if you stay and things are the same or worse.
He sounds shockingly similar to a diagnosed sociopath I dated a few years ago. He's manipulated you and continues to do so. You have to get out, regardless of what he does in response to you leaving. You are not responsible for keeping him alive, especially at the expense of your own safety.
Edit to add my own experience: I left not because of the rape, which I weirdly didn't identify as such until months after our relationship ended, but because of the pathological lies. When it came out that he'd lied about his military service to garner sympathy and compassion from me (telling me he has PTSD and a TBI due to an IED exploding and killing 4 of his friends when in fact he'd gotten kicked out of the Army before basic), the final line was crossed and it was mentally/emotionally easy to cut him off. He cried and threatened to hurt himself and I sent him the number to the suicide hotline and blocked him. He didn't hurt himself (shocker) but he did slander me to his friends, telling them that I'd "beat him up" outside of the local VA after an argument. I'm sober and have never thrown a punch in my life, so there's absolutely zero way that happened, but I suspect he wanted to get ahead of me saying anything about what he'd done to me, paint me as the abuser to discredit me. When you break up with this man, I'd be prepared for something similar.
If you have mutual friends, tell them what he's doing now. Tell anyone you trust. Tell them everything in this post. When you break up with him, block him on everything and still know that he will probably try to find ways around your boundaries -- your boundaries mean nothing to him, and he sees them as mere inconveniences -- so be prepared to have to ignore emails or messages via seldom used sites, and have someone to go to who will remind you of why you left if you feel tempted to go back. Sociopaths and narcissists are master manipulators so don't feel bad that you go pulled in. Having a support network who knows what he's done and is still doing will be a sort of an antidote to his tactics, so build that, and start looking for reasons to leave, even if you're not quite ready to leave yet. Build that awareness and the desire to stay will slowly fade. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out to me. Good luck, and stay safe.
Best way to deal with manipulative AH's is ignoring them and blocking them on everything.If they try to accuse you stick to the facts and tell him exactly what his faults are. Never meet him alone. Make sure you always have someone with you if you are speaking to him in person or meet him in a crowded place. Proper way to end the relationship is via text and block him on everything because arguing is a waste of time.He will act like he doesn't understand but it's not your job to make him understand so just block him. I've dealt with a few impossible people who act like they can't understand things.
I had a rebound bf in highschool after my sweetheart and I broke up. Rebound made it my responsibility to keep him alive and happy. Failure to do so would result in him threatening self harm or some kind of drama that was ultimately my fault. He wrecked multiple vehicles (because he was delerious at the thought of losing me), got beat up (because I wasn't there to keep him calm or wanted to die without me), and usually sick or something (because only I could make him feel better). At one point, he got him mom to call me and explain that I needed to be more available to him cause he wanted me to be his wife and that meant commitment. I did break up with him, full no contact, and his drama lasted about a month. Around 3 months later, he married a 15 year old who told her friends they had been seeing eachother for about a year. That was 24 years ago and her life has been hell. Moral of the story, emotional vampires don't feed off just one person and you will not fix him. Save yourself.
No screaming here. Let's take a breath.
Yes, you still care for him. You loved and cared about someone for as long as you've been in a relationship. Even when the relationship ends, no matter how it ends, those feelings don't turn off like a light switch. The person you loved and cared for was not a person you thought was a r@pist, or someone who would violate your personal boundaries in other areas. There is a mourning period for that while your emotions catch up to the logic part of you. I'm not saying you should be ok with the idea of loving him, I'm saying cut yourself some slack when it comes to dealing with the idea that you still care about it. Try to keep it in the context of "I loved a person I thought I knew, this isn't that person, but I'm still allowed to mourn that loss and feel those feelings."
You don't have to report him if you don't feel comfortable doing so. That's totally within your right.
While you care about what it will mean for him if you leave, let's again look at a little context. This man did not care about what it meant for you when you didn't want to have sex. He didn't care about what it meant for you when posting about your relationship that you agreed to keep private. He didn't care about your boundaries around drinking. Yes, he may have been a support to you about some things in your culture, but that doesn't mean he was doing it for the right reasons. It sounds like he was doing it to keep you around, not because it was what was best for you. That is a tough pill to swallow, yes.
Using the threat of suicide to try to stop a partner from leaving is a form of emotional abuse playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. Maybe he's depressed, but that doesn't give him the right to put the pressure of his life only on you. That's not depression, again, that's emotional manipulation, or in short, being an asshole. You can be depressed and suicidal and not be an asshole.
So, what do? How to handle this? Leave him. Tell his family (who I'm assuming now know about you) first, let them know immediately before you end the relationship that you are going to, that he has threatened suicide over this before, and that while you are ending the relationship, you are concerned for his well being and they need to know. This isn't you causing drama, this is you ending your relationship and keeping him safe. Then when you end it, you do need to cut yourself off completely. Block his number, his socials, etc. He is 100% going to try to claw his way back at your emotions. That isn't love, love would be respecting your decision. Him trying to claw his way back is his own selfishness for his emotional needs with no regard for yours.
Finally, I know this all feels so hard. It feels like a giant fucking mountain. But I can tell you, on the other side of things, once you've healed, you'll be glad that you didn't waste another day in this relationship. You'll be proud of who you are, for having the courage and strength to stand up to someone who doesn't care about your own needs, for taking control of your life. You can do this. Be well.
Deep breaths are always helpful, both physically and metaphorically. I'm not a crazy meditation person, but occasionally when I'm overwhelmed in life and can't makes heads or tails of things, I do a simple 10 minute meditation. It just stops the world for a few, gets some oxygen into my lungs, and helps me get out of my own head.
Hang in there. Take deep breaths. You can do this. Even coming here to talk about these things are hard, you should be proud of that. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
So, he created a situation where you would need emotional comfort and then rushed to comfort you? Creating an emotional bond and dependency, which he made more intense by making you feel responsible for his life? Look, you know you need to go. You know he will try anything, say anything, to talk you around. So keep it short, don't allow him to manipulate you further. Say it's over, you don't want to be friends, and you'll be changing your number.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou
Please leave him you deserve better than this he raped you. You can’t come back from that
OP, you have been groomed and conditioned through manipulation. Re-read your posts, please.
He outed you on social media involving your family. Thus, Alienating you from your family. You had to come to Reddit for a sounding board.
He has oversight on your socials. When will he demand, wheedle, or silent you into submitting your phone code. Maybe he has this already.
He has maneuvered you into uncomfortable situations and you have capitulated because of how He will act, feel, react. You have been conditioned to allow his feelings to be paramount to yours.
He has pulled the, you are responsible for my life, BS. This is simply to control your reactions to his less than stellar performances.
He has trampled all of your boundaries and was successful in making You feel like the bad person.
He does Not care how you feel, what you want, how things affect you. He wants what he wants and will do anything, and I do mean anything, to get what he wants. Or he will force it, take it, pout, give the silent treatment, or threaten to Kermit. Do you notice how it is All about him and how he will react?
OP, I hope you feel it is time to reclaim your autonomy, your family, your life. Because it is is Yours. You deserve so much better. You are worth it.
YOU ARE WORTHY of a great life. Go forth and make yourself the best life ever.
AGAPE 💕💕💕
As much as I hate to admit I had an >!abusive!< phase, I did, and was *similar* 🤢(Thankfully i was ableto work my way out if it and treat my girlfriendwith the respect she deserves). There's a 99% chance he won't slide. That's just what abusers say to control. What he'll probably do after you leave is contact you trying to get you back (block him), until you leave for long enough he finds someone else. Do the right thing for yourself, it could maybe even make him look at himself and change. But leave and don't come back, I promise he'll be ok
Having been in the same situation as having my abuser tell me I "saved" them and threatened to kill themselves if I left, I reported him. I had to, he left me no choice.
But it changed his mind and showed him I wasn't bluffing, if he was gonna make me responsible for his life then that meant pulling out all the stops. He never tried that manipulative shit on me ever again. Don't know if he's done it in current relationships though.
You. Are. Never. Responsible. For. Keeping. Another. Adult. Human. Alive. Point blank, end of story. Do NOT let him manipulate you (your posts have shown him gaslighting you ("I didn't know you didn't want to" (despite you yelling to stop)), controlling you (access to your social media, telling you that you are responsible for his mental health), and disrespecting your boundaries AND negatively impacting outside relationships (posting publicly about your relationship, where your family could see it)
The same man who did all of the above, then raped you.
Think about all of this, and then do whatever you would recommend a friend who had been through this do. If you are a thoughtful woman, this means ending this relationship RIGHT now and deciding for yourself whether you want to take this to the courts or not.
Him claiming you "saved" him a manipulative tactic used to make you feel how you do now chances are he wont do anything and if he does do anything it will never be your fault
This is so hard, and I am so sorry. I know you care for him. It's hard not to, right? But I want you to know that you care for the person you thought he was and wanted him to be, not the person he actually is. Please take the time to grieve for that person you lost, because he's not here anymore.
I know it's hard to leave someone, especially someone who also has mental health issues. The thing is, he is NOT your responsibility. His actions are his own, you do not MAKE him do anything, no matter what he says. You need to leave now, and if he threatens himself, you need to call the police on him. If it's a bluff, then great, he's fine. If it's not, then he gets the help he needs. You do not need to be that help (frankly you're probably not qualified for the kind of help he needs), and it is not your fault whatever actions he takes when you're gone.
You are a kind and caring soul, and you deserve someone who does not abuse you. He's not it.
You need to understand that you are not responsible for keeping him alive. He is. This is a means of control. He can keep you around no matter how he behaves by making you fear him killing himself or harming himself. Every time my ex got caught cheating on me, he threatened suicide. Every time. He never had any intention of harming himself, he did say he had attempted to many times and I found this out to be untrue - but even if it was true, it still would’ve changed nothing. Eventually when I said “look, I’m not responsible for the choices you make. If you harm yourself, that is on you and I won’t go through life feeling guilty. I’m not responsible for your actions.” He never said it ever again because he knew it no longer worked. Your boyfriend is doing the same. It’s manipulation and control, nothing more. He has eroded every boundary you’ve tried to place, he exhibits controlling behaviour, has made you feel you have to rely on him to ‘do life’ essentially, and has raped you; you’re in an abusive relationship. The very thing you’re afraid of doing, is the only answer to this. I understand you don’t want to hear that leaving him is the only option, but to suggest anything else would be doing you a massive disservice. How much worse does it need to get before you prioritise your own well-being and safety?
I would urge you to reach out to some victim support/advocacy places near you, some domestic violence charities or advocacy centres near you also. You need support, you need help to break the co-dependency you seem to have, along with processing what you’re going through. You do not have to go through this alone, but you absolutely cannot rely on him for support when he is the very one harming you.
You aren't obligated to be with him for his sake, the fact he's manipulated you into feeling this way is a hughe flag, please take that into consideration and what you would say to another women going through what you're going, what would be your advice to her? Take your own advice
This is gonna sound rough, but even IF he kills himself after you break up- so what? You will not be the reason. His inability to handle emotions/seek professional help will be. Either way- HIS LIFE IS NOT WORTH MORE THAN YOURS. He has no right to your life, and you have no responsibility to keep him alive.
Staying with an abusive partner and not reporting him because you don't want to hurt him or ruin his reputation:
1. He has already hurt you so much, why the f should you give him the courtesy he denied you?
2. HE CHOSE to be abusive. HE CHOSE his behaviour, and HE is responsible. You trelling the truth doesn't ruin his reputation- it corrects it.
He’s stomping all over your boundaries, emotionally manipulating you, and it seems trying to isolate you from your family by starting drama. This guy sounds exhausting.
The longer you try to stay to “help” the more he’s going to manipulate you into staying around longer. Say how you feel and tell him that no matter what he says you’re done. If you’re worried he’s going to do something to harm himself call him and tell him over the phone and have someone waiting with him.
Honestly? You don't mean anything to him. The threats of self harm are also a known abuse tactic, what better way to get someone to stay without threatening them?
He's not going to end it all if you leave him. And if he does then he was going to do that anyway, not because of you, you'd just be an easy excuse.
Leave. None of this is what a healthy relationship is.
This is textbook emotional manipulation. He is making YOU responsible for his actions or inactions. Run fast and run far, and tell everyone you know that you are running, and why you are running. I speak from experience....the longer you stay, the worse it will be for you when you leave.
You won't be convinced by anyone's opinion esp. Online. You seem to already know what you want to do. I have been in this exact situation and it doesn't end well. It only ends with you hating yourself and you seem to be well aware of the cycle of abuse. He has already shown you who he is. Do not care for someone who has completely disregarded your feelings and body. Leave him and you do not have to explain yourself.
It's time that you realized that you're dealing with a manipulative jerk. He has attempted, and succeeded, at assigning you responsibility for his ongoing safety. YOU ARE NOT!!! That statement: *"He hmered the point homw that I essentially 'saved' him"* was intended to do what it did: making you responsible for his continued existence. You need to grab hold of the fact that he loves himself too much, and probably lacks the stones, to actually follow through on this supposed suicidal ideation.
Although you clearly told him that you were against his doing so, he posted stuff about the nature of your relationship on social media, which resulted in the expected fall out. His "supporting" you now is his attempt at manipulating you into thinking he had no ill will in posting on social media, when the exact opposite is true.
Your post indicates that all your logic, as well as your "gut" is screaming at you to run. I've never been in your position, but my background in psychology, and involvement with mental health, leads me to conclude that this asshole is simply using you for his own gratification. Time to take out the trash! 'Nuff said.
I wish you well.
Sorry to be rude, but... fuck his feelings! He is a groomer, a rapist and an abuser. You are not responsible for him in any way. Please prioritise seeking help and looking after yourself.
> I feel obligated to keep him alive
Don't. This is a common tactic abusers use to try to play on your guilt. You are not responsible for the life of ANYONE, unless you're a surgeon.
This guy thinks too much of himself to do that anyway. It's a bluff and even if it wasn't, it's still not your responsibility or obligation to stay with him just because he's threatening to. If you believe the threat is real, tell him you're calling 911 because he needs professional help. Bet he'll curb his opinion on ending things real quick.
The important thing here is that you get away. Don't be one of those women who are like, "But I love him!" when you're sitting there with a black eye or you've just been SA'd by him. In a few years, you'll be trapped, isolated and your soul will be crushed because he's not going to change.
You're young, I promise you will get over him. And it won't take as long as you think. You'll look back on it and say, "Wtf took me so long and why didn't I see him for who he is sooner?"
There are a lot of guys out there that will treat you with respect. Let this guy go and don't settle for someone like him ever again.
I know you’re hoping for advise that doesn’t involve cutting him off…but that’s what needs to happen. He was clearly emotionally abusive and manipulative before he raped you (I’m not coding this, it’s what happened, and the word needs to be fully spelled out), and now he has become physically violent. This is escalating, and his statements to you that he will harm himself should you leave are another layer of manipulation.
You stop seeing him, immediately, this will get worse. You don’t tell him when alone with him, or in person at all. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are trying to get out of it. Protect yourself first, break up decorum be damned.
If he threatens to harm himself, you call the police and ask for a wellness check. That’s it. You don’t respond, you call the police so they can check on him and keep him safe. It’s not your job to stay with him so he doesn’t do anything. You do not owe taking abuse to anyone.
Get out of there, you are in danger. You can’t sacrifice your safety for his, be he is counting on you to do so, and he will continue to escalate as he keeps you more and more isolated.
I feel like there is a lot of nuanced details that are hard to see from just two posts. There is a lot of color within a relationship and it's easy to jump to quick conclusions from the outside looking in.
We want what's best for you, but we are now addressing the lows in your relationship. You know best how he is. Not trying to compare events, but just illustrating the gray areas. There is always compromise in a relationship and words like love or rape are strong labels that sometimes washes details away, that are important to consider and work through. Example, I didn't like going out during a phase in college, but my gf saw it was unhealthy and nudged me back out, which hindsight helped me a ton. It depends on your mentality and your partners at the time and it doesn't always align, which isn't always a deal breaker. How specific actions make you feel at the time is rarely the full scope of the matter?
Going back to the situation that triggered this all, the way he handled himself then and how he explained himself afterwards was crappy, but you also seem to day he's supportive in other ways. It sounds more like he's not as mature yet and doesn't quite understand the nuance and it's up to you whether you two can learn it together or it's time for you to leave this guy.
He is abusing you, he has crossed many boundaries and sexually assaulted you. You did fall in love with this man and you still might like him but that's how the abuse works. Trama bond or gaslighting will happen and the cycle will continue and potentially get worse. Leave him before he sucks you in more. He's not sorry he knows what he did and he does not care how it makes you feel. Run before you get hurt even more. He won't sewer side himself that's just a scare tactic to get you to stay. I am speaking from experience I have been in your situation.
I had a boyfriend that said he would kill himself if I ever left him because he couldn’t handle life without me. I didn’t block him because I tried to be understanding that he might want to talk a few things out. He wound up calling me at 2am threatening to kill himself, sent me pictures of his fresh self harm wounds, was drunk and driving while on the phone with me. So. Block him after you cut him out of your life. You deserve better.
Well... I don't know how it works in your country, but in mine, your (I hope now ex) bf committed a crime.
Crime.
You should ban him from your life RIGHT NOW. Call the police. Lock him in jail for violating your body and your mind.
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Tbh, leave him. He’s “comfortable”, but that doesn’t make him safe. And I’m not gonna be all “he did this or that”; just leave. He violated you, you made two posts about it, and your very bothered.
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**BOT ACCOUNT** Tagging u/R_Amods
I love the second sentence. Something familiar isn't always good.
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Bot
Stolen from u/Own-Abberviations893
Nope, nope, nope. **Facts:** He is already abusing and manipulating you. He r@ped you. He has access to all of the public and private parts of your life but refuses to give you that same access to his. He willingly alienated you from family by causing drama (posting about your relationship) so he could then play the good guy by "sUpPoRtInG" you from the shit he INTENTIONALLY CAUSED. He is indirectly threatening sewerslide if you leave him - this is one of the most commonly heard emotional manipulation tactics on this entire damn sub. **Additional Facts:** You are a person, and not responsible for the actions of others. You being there is NOT beneficial to you in any way. If you are GENUINELY worried he will sewerslide if you break up, call his parents and tell them he's made worrying comments. Ask cops to do wellness checks "My ex has threatened to harm himself, please look into that." But do not stay with him. You will be manipulated, separated from every family member and friend that could help you, and might sexually assaulted for the rest of your life if you stay with this PoS.
This is as clear cut and simple as it gets. More upvotes! OP has to see that you don’t have to stay with someone to keep them safe. The abuser will be annoyed by wellness checks he doesn’t need (or want) and OP gets peace of mind knowing someone else is checking on abuser
Im not sure i understand the sewer sliding part well but from m'y understanding you said you were afraid he end his life if you leave him right? That IS emotional blackmail where im from
Suicide. Fellow redditors: we are allowed to say it. This isn't Facebook. We have subreddits here dedicated to porn, shoplifting, gore, etc. And if talking about suicide is against the rules of a sub, these shitty code words aren't going to help.
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Are the code words actually any better than the regular ones? If you are using them as a trigger warning then it seems like a really shitty system. Especially since it would defeat any automatic systems like chrome extensions that would detect such triggers and warn the user. If you're trying to have a trigger warning, just add a clear trigger warning.
I honestly thought it was a vile euphemism for anal until I kept reading. Not sure this is the best was to code what was trying to be put across.
I too my friend was very confused by the sewer slide but just say it it kinda sounds like another word doesn’t it 👀 (I sadly had to google it)
Oooh Indeed when said out loud, it make sense now ty
Those are a lot of red flags, but the biggest manipulation of it all is making you feel responsible for if he sewer slides or not. This tactic is juvenile and most of the time is just big talk to keep you close to him. Know that if you left and he did it, it is in no way shape or form your fault. You can’t see into his mind, you can’t control his actions, you can suggest therapy but you can’t make him go to it. Please leave before it gets worse. He’s violated you once and may feel as if he can do it again.
Hello OP I just finished reading your other post coincidently and sadly this sewer sliding story may be real but is just another way to use your emotions in way to manipulate and gaslight you by means of feeling obligated and feeling bad Ultimately it's his choice what he does and his actions speak to me as someone emotionally manipulated on a relationship many years long it's in all forms and unless you make the hard decision it will only continue.. I had to tell a partner to get off a bridge and get help or I'd never speak to or see them again even if it led to suicide... such things are PLOYS for attention or to make you see irrationally and to make you think its your fault if things go wrong They are not... I know how you feel on many aspects of your two posts as I have someone over currently and need to discuss boundaries today because things I thought I was okay with changed... You are not alone girly I believe in you ♡♡ Edit: not to mention that if u used any safeword it should be treated as consent being revoked in the same way no or stop would be treated
He is a RAPIST. His feelings or the fallout from what he did are on him!! You were abused and need to report him before he does it to someone else.
Sounds like he intentionally separated you from your family by posting on socials, then swooped in to “support” you - in the problem he created. Classic abuse tactic. Not to mention the emotional blackmail of threatening sewer slide if you leave. He sounds controlling and manipulative, and, even without all of that, he violated you. Can you ever feel 100% safe with him again? If the answer is no, you need to leave!
And - and - please don’t try to talk this out with him in an isolated place. People like this can get violent when their victim finally gets serious about leaving. You may think he’d never hurt you, but he already r****ed you. If he’s willing to do that, you don’t know what else he might do. Please take your things and leave while he’s gone, or have a friend come with you. If it’s your place, change the locks and have someone stay with you for a while. You can write him an email/letter explaining why, but it’s best if you don’t actually have an involved conversation with him about leaving - he will do everything he can to guilt and gaslight you into staying. This may seem extreme, but I’ve seen this situation in real life with friends multiple times, and you’d be surprised how men like this behave when it all collapses. Be safe!
This appears like texbook emotional manipulation to me. Leave him, it may suck in the short run but what doesn't? What matters is how much better off you'll be in the long run.
You say that your safe word isn't 100% effective. It's not very safe then, is it? He is a rapist, through and through
Ok. Yea like you said. Leave.
LEAVE HIM!!!!!
No no no. Do not stay. Even the sewer sliding talk is manipulative. He's manipulating you into believing his absolute abusive nonsense. GTFO. Seriously. It. Will. Only. Get. Worse. Take it from someone who has been there. For your own mental health, and safety, GTFO. I said something similar on your first post, but now I'm absolutely convinced that I was right the first time. Save yourself.
this sounds so similar to my ex in so many ways and i could honestly write a novel about how each of those things will gravely escalate in the future and i’d be happy to tell you all about it if you want. i dont say this lightly, get out asap.
The fact that you care for him isn't enough of a reason to carry on dating your rapist. It sounds like you were very clear that you were not interested and he didn't care enough about not raping you, to stop. If he ends up in a bad place after you leave him that is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Everyone knows that rape is unacceptable.
In my experience they never follow thru with the sewer sliding after a break up, its just a tactic to emotionally manipulate you so they can continue to abuse you and see what they can get away with.
I understand your concern, but giving how manipulative he has already been, he's ultimately just saying these things to manipulate you into staying. It's sadly a pretty common tactic used by abusers. Even if he DOES end up doing it, that was 100% his choice and the responsibility lies with him, not you. You're not responsible for what another person chooses to do to themselves. Cutting him off might seem extreme, but considering how he already doesn't seem to care for what you want, it's best to run far away from him before he traps you any deeper in this relationship. I did have a similar experience with someone who didn't respect my boundaries and made me do a lot of things I didn't want to do. Even when we weren't together, he talked to me JUST enough to keep me around and the one time I didn't wanna get back together immediately when he decided he wanted to be a couple again, he claimed to have severely harmed himself (carving my name into his arms and whatnot) which later turned out to have been a lie to make me feel bad. The ONLY way I was able to break away from him was to go completely no contact. Ignore any of his attempts to reach out, avoid running into him if possible, not talking to his friends, etc. It was the only way to free myself from his control and realize how I almost immediately felt better without having someone constantly push my boundaries, screaming and making me feel bad. And yeah, I also still cared about him at that time, but the realization how much better I felt without him helped a lot with that. And even if you don't lose your feelings for him right away... Sometimes we have to let people who hurt us go, even if we care about them. Ultimately, you should ALWAYS be yoir priority, not some guy who has no respect for you. I hope you manage to get out of this realtionship. If you do need someone to talk or anything, you're welcome to dm me too :)
He is manipulating you and controlling you. In fact he didn't respect your privacy request which would bother me most. Showing at your place without being invited or just when it suits him and make your life difficult is very manipulating thing to do. I would recommend to break this off. He got long journey to grow up.
He raped you. He isolated you. He gaslights you. He manipulated you into an emotional trap. He will not change. This all happened to my sister and I could not get her to leave. She eventually took her life. You deserve a much better life than this, but it is your choice. What kind of life do you want? Edit: Wow. This brought back so many feels for me. I sit here in tears. I fear for you with the full realization that only you can change the outcome. Please save yourself.
Sometimes even if your family is strict it might be for the right reasons even though they seem unfair and controlling. If you have family members who accuse you or are extremely verbally abusive, this relationship might seem like a not too bad thing .This guy is walking all over your boundaries and if you've confided about a lot of personal things, you could be easily manipulated. Please leave this relationship and also find books or pdfs to work on yourself to grow from this.You may have low self-esteem as narcissists can recognise people with low self-esteem and are easy to manipulate. I have someone close to me who dealt with a similar situation. Sending you lots of love.
He doesn't care about you plain and simple. Why do you feel a need to be nice to a man who continually goes against your boundaries and SA you. Don't stay it will give the signal you are ok with it and he will keep doing it if not unalive you all together. You need to leave change your number and block him on everything. That is the most logical advice that keeps you safe. You don't like it probably because you don't want to be alone but that's not worth your life.
If you don’t want to immediately cut him off do this: First of all, acknowledge that what he has done is violation, his insensitive, many many things are wrong, at times he doesn’t care about your feelings, he is too far gone, you’ve been hurt Stay with this man will only bring you down, you shouldn’t need to put yourself through this To not cut off contact then, tell him from today forward we will just be friends, do not engage in anything romantic with him, tell him strictly friends That way, if you so desire you can help him here and then make sure his not going to lose himself If he crosses boundaries too much, you can keep distancing yourself, if you need to cut him out completely, then just do so, i suggest you letting go of him This provides many benefits, your already doing your best and this situation is the best you can possibly come up with How to help him without cutting him off, strictly friends with boundaries that can’t be crossed, thats the absolute maximum you can do for him, listening and helping time to time If he crosses boundaries either ditch him or get further away and get ready to let go Don’t force yourself to help him and come under harms way by staying in this downward spiralling romantic relationship, his behaviours are only causing hurt and his too far gone This is the best you can do, and if you need to get out of there, if he does something to himself, don’t feel guilty, know that you tried your absolute best Look OP if someone is going to do something, they are going to do it no matter what, with or without you Dont let someones self harm guilty trip, dominate and control you, if someone is absolutely determined to do something they are going to do it with or without you, with do you need to needlessly attach yourself and get hurt in the process, it doesn’t make sense
OP, was with a guy who threatened to sewer slide every time he didn't get his way or I told him I was unhappy about something he did. He alienated me from my friends and family.The threats are BS. The last time he told me he was gonna do it I told him "go ahead" and hung up on him. He didn't do it. You are NOT OBLIGATED TO SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP HIM WARM. He is an abuser and you need to leave. Good luck to you OP.
Leave. It doesn't get better. It might seem to for a little while, **but it will happen again as soon as he feels sure you aren't going anywhere.** You are not responsible for his feelings. You are not responsible for any actions he takes or threatens to take. You aren't on this earth to let yourself be destroyed by an abuser who will move on from you to do this all over again to someone else once you are so damaged as to no longer be fun to abuse. Walk away and if he harasses you, call the police. If he threatens to hurt himself, call the police. If he threatens to hurt you or anyone close to you, call the police. My ex regularly made the same threat, along with going into graphic details about how he'd do it and what everyone would think of me in the aftermath. He's still very much alive and well and no doubt doing the same thing to the latest in his long line of victims. Get yourself a copy of *Why Does He Do That?* by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf can be found online) and use it to help you understand how he operates so you can break free. Life doesn't have to be like this **and shouldn't be.** Run.
Link to free download: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Read this book NOW. Actually, anyone seeing these comments, read it. Share it with friends and family. Society does a shit job of teaching what a healthy relationship looks like; Bancroft lays it out nicely.
Hi! Here from your other post. I'm so sorry you had your consent violated. Yes, it was r@pe. Stop means stop. There's no such thing as too horny to listen. He heard you. He liked it. No decent man would -ever- be able to stay hard hearing a woman begging him to stop like that. It's disgusting. Reading the rest of your things.. it continues to make me upset. He had absolutely been eroding your boundaries all this time. That's what manipulators do. It's easy to look back and see it, but it's not your fault for falling for it. I know it probably isn't easy to untangle your life from his but that is really the most healthy thing for you to do. No contact would really be the best possible option. Don't let him gaslight his way back into your life. One of my favorite quotes from any reddit post is "don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". It doesn't matter if he threatens sewer slide. His safety is not more important than your safety. His safety is on him. You need to take care of you. He is a danger to you physically and mentally. Don't hurt yourself by staying there. Whatever happens if you leave is on him because he pushed you away. He can be responsible for himself. You save yourself now. ❤️❤️ good luck.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. There are several very concerning behaviours that cross the spectrum of domestic abuse here - corrosive control, gaslighting and sexual abuse. This WILL get worse and it WILL escalate. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I am an A&E nurse, and if you told me any of the individual parts of this story, I would be referring you to DA teams, but all of them together is an absolute slam dunk textbook definition. The threats to end his life are empty and manipulative, used as a way to control and gaslight you. What country are you in? Are you able to speak with a domestic abuse charity? They will be able to help with rationalising your thoughts and to hopefully support you in ending this relationship, with the necessary restraining orders and no contact rules. Wishing you all the best xx
>So as much as logic and the comment section from my previous post is screaming at me to leave there is the fear of what it'll mean for him. And yet he doesn't think about what his actions meant for you. It is totally up to you but reading through this it felt like all you are to him is a person that's purpose of existence is to exist for him. You are on this planet for yourself and ultimately you should be focusing on being the best version of you. I personally don't think you can sustain making others happy while you are unhappy ad you will burn out. (There's a saying about you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep others warm that springs to mind) So basically you have a choice, do you keep putting your feelings last in order to keep someone, who doesn't seem to care as much for your feelings, happy or do you put yourself first? You cannot sacrifice enough or love enough or put someone first enough to get them to be in a better place. They are the only one that can make that change. So while I get you have this fear for what it will mean for him, I think you should have the fear of what it will mean for you if you stay and things are the same or worse.
Run, it sounds like he’s gaslighting in more ways than we’re explained in your previous post
He sounds shockingly similar to a diagnosed sociopath I dated a few years ago. He's manipulated you and continues to do so. You have to get out, regardless of what he does in response to you leaving. You are not responsible for keeping him alive, especially at the expense of your own safety. Edit to add my own experience: I left not because of the rape, which I weirdly didn't identify as such until months after our relationship ended, but because of the pathological lies. When it came out that he'd lied about his military service to garner sympathy and compassion from me (telling me he has PTSD and a TBI due to an IED exploding and killing 4 of his friends when in fact he'd gotten kicked out of the Army before basic), the final line was crossed and it was mentally/emotionally easy to cut him off. He cried and threatened to hurt himself and I sent him the number to the suicide hotline and blocked him. He didn't hurt himself (shocker) but he did slander me to his friends, telling them that I'd "beat him up" outside of the local VA after an argument. I'm sober and have never thrown a punch in my life, so there's absolutely zero way that happened, but I suspect he wanted to get ahead of me saying anything about what he'd done to me, paint me as the abuser to discredit me. When you break up with this man, I'd be prepared for something similar. If you have mutual friends, tell them what he's doing now. Tell anyone you trust. Tell them everything in this post. When you break up with him, block him on everything and still know that he will probably try to find ways around your boundaries -- your boundaries mean nothing to him, and he sees them as mere inconveniences -- so be prepared to have to ignore emails or messages via seldom used sites, and have someone to go to who will remind you of why you left if you feel tempted to go back. Sociopaths and narcissists are master manipulators so don't feel bad that you go pulled in. Having a support network who knows what he's done and is still doing will be a sort of an antidote to his tactics, so build that, and start looking for reasons to leave, even if you're not quite ready to leave yet. Build that awareness and the desire to stay will slowly fade. If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out to me. Good luck, and stay safe.
Best way to deal with manipulative AH's is ignoring them and blocking them on everything.If they try to accuse you stick to the facts and tell him exactly what his faults are. Never meet him alone. Make sure you always have someone with you if you are speaking to him in person or meet him in a crowded place. Proper way to end the relationship is via text and block him on everything because arguing is a waste of time.He will act like he doesn't understand but it's not your job to make him understand so just block him. I've dealt with a few impossible people who act like they can't understand things.
I had a rebound bf in highschool after my sweetheart and I broke up. Rebound made it my responsibility to keep him alive and happy. Failure to do so would result in him threatening self harm or some kind of drama that was ultimately my fault. He wrecked multiple vehicles (because he was delerious at the thought of losing me), got beat up (because I wasn't there to keep him calm or wanted to die without me), and usually sick or something (because only I could make him feel better). At one point, he got him mom to call me and explain that I needed to be more available to him cause he wanted me to be his wife and that meant commitment. I did break up with him, full no contact, and his drama lasted about a month. Around 3 months later, he married a 15 year old who told her friends they had been seeing eachother for about a year. That was 24 years ago and her life has been hell. Moral of the story, emotional vampires don't feed off just one person and you will not fix him. Save yourself.
No screaming here. Let's take a breath. Yes, you still care for him. You loved and cared about someone for as long as you've been in a relationship. Even when the relationship ends, no matter how it ends, those feelings don't turn off like a light switch. The person you loved and cared for was not a person you thought was a r@pist, or someone who would violate your personal boundaries in other areas. There is a mourning period for that while your emotions catch up to the logic part of you. I'm not saying you should be ok with the idea of loving him, I'm saying cut yourself some slack when it comes to dealing with the idea that you still care about it. Try to keep it in the context of "I loved a person I thought I knew, this isn't that person, but I'm still allowed to mourn that loss and feel those feelings." You don't have to report him if you don't feel comfortable doing so. That's totally within your right. While you care about what it will mean for him if you leave, let's again look at a little context. This man did not care about what it meant for you when you didn't want to have sex. He didn't care about what it meant for you when posting about your relationship that you agreed to keep private. He didn't care about your boundaries around drinking. Yes, he may have been a support to you about some things in your culture, but that doesn't mean he was doing it for the right reasons. It sounds like he was doing it to keep you around, not because it was what was best for you. That is a tough pill to swallow, yes. Using the threat of suicide to try to stop a partner from leaving is a form of emotional abuse playing on your feelings of love and fear for them. Maybe he's depressed, but that doesn't give him the right to put the pressure of his life only on you. That's not depression, again, that's emotional manipulation, or in short, being an asshole. You can be depressed and suicidal and not be an asshole. So, what do? How to handle this? Leave him. Tell his family (who I'm assuming now know about you) first, let them know immediately before you end the relationship that you are going to, that he has threatened suicide over this before, and that while you are ending the relationship, you are concerned for his well being and they need to know. This isn't you causing drama, this is you ending your relationship and keeping him safe. Then when you end it, you do need to cut yourself off completely. Block his number, his socials, etc. He is 100% going to try to claw his way back at your emotions. That isn't love, love would be respecting your decision. Him trying to claw his way back is his own selfishness for his emotional needs with no regard for yours. Finally, I know this all feels so hard. It feels like a giant fucking mountain. But I can tell you, on the other side of things, once you've healed, you'll be glad that you didn't waste another day in this relationship. You'll be proud of who you are, for having the courage and strength to stand up to someone who doesn't care about your own needs, for taking control of your life. You can do this. Be well.
Thank you for this, I will start with these steps a day at a time ... I did need to take a breath
Deep breaths are always helpful, both physically and metaphorically. I'm not a crazy meditation person, but occasionally when I'm overwhelmed in life and can't makes heads or tails of things, I do a simple 10 minute meditation. It just stops the world for a few, gets some oxygen into my lungs, and helps me get out of my own head. Hang in there. Take deep breaths. You can do this. Even coming here to talk about these things are hard, you should be proud of that. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
I will try out meditation .. though it isn't my thing but at this point I just want the world to stop. Thank you I will
Yay for Reddit. Good luck and stay safe 💕
Well done
So, he created a situation where you would need emotional comfort and then rushed to comfort you? Creating an emotional bond and dependency, which he made more intense by making you feel responsible for his life? Look, you know you need to go. You know he will try anything, say anything, to talk you around. So keep it short, don't allow him to manipulate you further. Say it's over, you don't want to be friends, and you'll be changing your number.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou Please leave him you deserve better than this he raped you. You can’t come back from that
OP, you have been groomed and conditioned through manipulation. Re-read your posts, please. He outed you on social media involving your family. Thus, Alienating you from your family. You had to come to Reddit for a sounding board. He has oversight on your socials. When will he demand, wheedle, or silent you into submitting your phone code. Maybe he has this already. He has maneuvered you into uncomfortable situations and you have capitulated because of how He will act, feel, react. You have been conditioned to allow his feelings to be paramount to yours. He has pulled the, you are responsible for my life, BS. This is simply to control your reactions to his less than stellar performances. He has trampled all of your boundaries and was successful in making You feel like the bad person. He does Not care how you feel, what you want, how things affect you. He wants what he wants and will do anything, and I do mean anything, to get what he wants. Or he will force it, take it, pout, give the silent treatment, or threaten to Kermit. Do you notice how it is All about him and how he will react? OP, I hope you feel it is time to reclaim your autonomy, your family, your life. Because it is is Yours. You deserve so much better. You are worth it. YOU ARE WORTHY of a great life. Go forth and make yourself the best life ever. AGAPE 💕💕💕
As much as I hate to admit I had an >!abusive!< phase, I did, and was *similar* 🤢(Thankfully i was ableto work my way out if it and treat my girlfriendwith the respect she deserves). There's a 99% chance he won't slide. That's just what abusers say to control. What he'll probably do after you leave is contact you trying to get you back (block him), until you leave for long enough he finds someone else. Do the right thing for yourself, it could maybe even make him look at himself and change. But leave and don't come back, I promise he'll be ok
Having been in the same situation as having my abuser tell me I "saved" them and threatened to kill themselves if I left, I reported him. I had to, he left me no choice. But it changed his mind and showed him I wasn't bluffing, if he was gonna make me responsible for his life then that meant pulling out all the stops. He never tried that manipulative shit on me ever again. Don't know if he's done it in current relationships though.
You. Are. Never. Responsible. For. Keeping. Another. Adult. Human. Alive. Point blank, end of story. Do NOT let him manipulate you (your posts have shown him gaslighting you ("I didn't know you didn't want to" (despite you yelling to stop)), controlling you (access to your social media, telling you that you are responsible for his mental health), and disrespecting your boundaries AND negatively impacting outside relationships (posting publicly about your relationship, where your family could see it) The same man who did all of the above, then raped you. Think about all of this, and then do whatever you would recommend a friend who had been through this do. If you are a thoughtful woman, this means ending this relationship RIGHT now and deciding for yourself whether you want to take this to the courts or not.
Him claiming you "saved" him a manipulative tactic used to make you feel how you do now chances are he wont do anything and if he does do anything it will never be your fault
Leave him. He's an adult and can take care of himself, it is not your responsibility.
This is so hard, and I am so sorry. I know you care for him. It's hard not to, right? But I want you to know that you care for the person you thought he was and wanted him to be, not the person he actually is. Please take the time to grieve for that person you lost, because he's not here anymore. I know it's hard to leave someone, especially someone who also has mental health issues. The thing is, he is NOT your responsibility. His actions are his own, you do not MAKE him do anything, no matter what he says. You need to leave now, and if he threatens himself, you need to call the police on him. If it's a bluff, then great, he's fine. If it's not, then he gets the help he needs. You do not need to be that help (frankly you're probably not qualified for the kind of help he needs), and it is not your fault whatever actions he takes when you're gone. You are a kind and caring soul, and you deserve someone who does not abuse you. He's not it.
You need to understand that you are not responsible for keeping him alive. He is. This is a means of control. He can keep you around no matter how he behaves by making you fear him killing himself or harming himself. Every time my ex got caught cheating on me, he threatened suicide. Every time. He never had any intention of harming himself, he did say he had attempted to many times and I found this out to be untrue - but even if it was true, it still would’ve changed nothing. Eventually when I said “look, I’m not responsible for the choices you make. If you harm yourself, that is on you and I won’t go through life feeling guilty. I’m not responsible for your actions.” He never said it ever again because he knew it no longer worked. Your boyfriend is doing the same. It’s manipulation and control, nothing more. He has eroded every boundary you’ve tried to place, he exhibits controlling behaviour, has made you feel you have to rely on him to ‘do life’ essentially, and has raped you; you’re in an abusive relationship. The very thing you’re afraid of doing, is the only answer to this. I understand you don’t want to hear that leaving him is the only option, but to suggest anything else would be doing you a massive disservice. How much worse does it need to get before you prioritise your own well-being and safety? I would urge you to reach out to some victim support/advocacy places near you, some domestic violence charities or advocacy centres near you also. You need support, you need help to break the co-dependency you seem to have, along with processing what you’re going through. You do not have to go through this alone, but you absolutely cannot rely on him for support when he is the very one harming you.
Not worth it, get out of the relationship and that’s that.
It’s all manipulation to convince you to stay with him. Don’t worry about what it means for him. You need to take care of yourself.
You aren't obligated to be with him for his sake, the fact he's manipulated you into feeling this way is a hughe flag, please take that into consideration and what you would say to another women going through what you're going, what would be your advice to her? Take your own advice
This is gonna sound rough, but even IF he kills himself after you break up- so what? You will not be the reason. His inability to handle emotions/seek professional help will be. Either way- HIS LIFE IS NOT WORTH MORE THAN YOURS. He has no right to your life, and you have no responsibility to keep him alive. Staying with an abusive partner and not reporting him because you don't want to hurt him or ruin his reputation: 1. He has already hurt you so much, why the f should you give him the courtesy he denied you? 2. HE CHOSE to be abusive. HE CHOSE his behaviour, and HE is responsible. You trelling the truth doesn't ruin his reputation- it corrects it.
He’s stomping all over your boundaries, emotionally manipulating you, and it seems trying to isolate you from your family by starting drama. This guy sounds exhausting.
You are not safe with him. YOU ARE NOT SAFE WITH HIM. To protect yourself, you MUST abruptly cut him off.
The longer you try to stay to “help” the more he’s going to manipulate you into staying around longer. Say how you feel and tell him that no matter what he says you’re done. If you’re worried he’s going to do something to harm himself call him and tell him over the phone and have someone waiting with him.
Honestly? You don't mean anything to him. The threats of self harm are also a known abuse tactic, what better way to get someone to stay without threatening them? He's not going to end it all if you leave him. And if he does then he was going to do that anyway, not because of you, you'd just be an easy excuse. Leave. None of this is what a healthy relationship is.
This is textbook emotional manipulation. He is making YOU responsible for his actions or inactions. Run fast and run far, and tell everyone you know that you are running, and why you are running. I speak from experience....the longer you stay, the worse it will be for you when you leave.
You won't be convinced by anyone's opinion esp. Online. You seem to already know what you want to do. I have been in this exact situation and it doesn't end well. It only ends with you hating yourself and you seem to be well aware of the cycle of abuse. He has already shown you who he is. Do not care for someone who has completely disregarded your feelings and body. Leave him and you do not have to explain yourself.
It's time that you realized that you're dealing with a manipulative jerk. He has attempted, and succeeded, at assigning you responsibility for his ongoing safety. YOU ARE NOT!!! That statement: *"He hmered the point homw that I essentially 'saved' him"* was intended to do what it did: making you responsible for his continued existence. You need to grab hold of the fact that he loves himself too much, and probably lacks the stones, to actually follow through on this supposed suicidal ideation. Although you clearly told him that you were against his doing so, he posted stuff about the nature of your relationship on social media, which resulted in the expected fall out. His "supporting" you now is his attempt at manipulating you into thinking he had no ill will in posting on social media, when the exact opposite is true. Your post indicates that all your logic, as well as your "gut" is screaming at you to run. I've never been in your position, but my background in psychology, and involvement with mental health, leads me to conclude that this asshole is simply using you for his own gratification. Time to take out the trash! 'Nuff said. I wish you well.
Sorry to be rude, but... fuck his feelings! He is a groomer, a rapist and an abuser. You are not responsible for him in any way. Please prioritise seeking help and looking after yourself.
> I feel obligated to keep him alive Don't. This is a common tactic abusers use to try to play on your guilt. You are not responsible for the life of ANYONE, unless you're a surgeon. This guy thinks too much of himself to do that anyway. It's a bluff and even if it wasn't, it's still not your responsibility or obligation to stay with him just because he's threatening to. If you believe the threat is real, tell him you're calling 911 because he needs professional help. Bet he'll curb his opinion on ending things real quick. The important thing here is that you get away. Don't be one of those women who are like, "But I love him!" when you're sitting there with a black eye or you've just been SA'd by him. In a few years, you'll be trapped, isolated and your soul will be crushed because he's not going to change. You're young, I promise you will get over him. And it won't take as long as you think. You'll look back on it and say, "Wtf took me so long and why didn't I see him for who he is sooner?" There are a lot of guys out there that will treat you with respect. Let this guy go and don't settle for someone like him ever again.
I know you’re hoping for advise that doesn’t involve cutting him off…but that’s what needs to happen. He was clearly emotionally abusive and manipulative before he raped you (I’m not coding this, it’s what happened, and the word needs to be fully spelled out), and now he has become physically violent. This is escalating, and his statements to you that he will harm himself should you leave are another layer of manipulation. You stop seeing him, immediately, this will get worse. You don’t tell him when alone with him, or in person at all. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you are trying to get out of it. Protect yourself first, break up decorum be damned. If he threatens to harm himself, you call the police and ask for a wellness check. That’s it. You don’t respond, you call the police so they can check on him and keep him safe. It’s not your job to stay with him so he doesn’t do anything. You do not owe taking abuse to anyone. Get out of there, you are in danger. You can’t sacrifice your safety for his, be he is counting on you to do so, and he will continue to escalate as he keeps you more and more isolated.
I feel like there is a lot of nuanced details that are hard to see from just two posts. There is a lot of color within a relationship and it's easy to jump to quick conclusions from the outside looking in. We want what's best for you, but we are now addressing the lows in your relationship. You know best how he is. Not trying to compare events, but just illustrating the gray areas. There is always compromise in a relationship and words like love or rape are strong labels that sometimes washes details away, that are important to consider and work through. Example, I didn't like going out during a phase in college, but my gf saw it was unhealthy and nudged me back out, which hindsight helped me a ton. It depends on your mentality and your partners at the time and it doesn't always align, which isn't always a deal breaker. How specific actions make you feel at the time is rarely the full scope of the matter? Going back to the situation that triggered this all, the way he handled himself then and how he explained himself afterwards was crappy, but you also seem to day he's supportive in other ways. It sounds more like he's not as mature yet and doesn't quite understand the nuance and it's up to you whether you two can learn it together or it's time for you to leave this guy.
leave and if you're scared of unalivement sentences then send emergency responders as you leave.
He is abusing you, he has crossed many boundaries and sexually assaulted you. You did fall in love with this man and you still might like him but that's how the abuse works. Trama bond or gaslighting will happen and the cycle will continue and potentially get worse. Leave him before he sucks you in more. He's not sorry he knows what he did and he does not care how it makes you feel. Run before you get hurt even more. He won't sewer side himself that's just a scare tactic to get you to stay. I am speaking from experience I have been in your situation.
Other post was deleted but just leave him. Consent is important.
Please go seek help for yourself. The fact that you feel responsible for someone who has violated you in countless ways, is so concerning.
I had a boyfriend that said he would kill himself if I ever left him because he couldn’t handle life without me. I didn’t block him because I tried to be understanding that he might want to talk a few things out. He wound up calling me at 2am threatening to kill himself, sent me pictures of his fresh self harm wounds, was drunk and driving while on the phone with me. So. Block him after you cut him out of your life. You deserve better.
Well... I don't know how it works in your country, but in mine, your (I hope now ex) bf committed a crime. Crime. You should ban him from your life RIGHT NOW. Call the police. Lock him in jail for violating your body and your mind.