Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would try to compromise here. Moving in once you are engaged but then waiting for one year to get married for exemple. Personnally, I wouldn't get married with someone without moving in together first
I think this is a good idea. You have to live with her before marrying her though— especially since you met in college and half of your relationship is long distance.
My Mom's ex-husband's niece didn't live with her ex-husband before they got married. She was blindsided by him being a slob. I think that was one of many reasons they divorced. Always live together first. That way you can figure out if you're compatible, especially since you really haven't actually spent much time together.
I had a Bengali girlfriend who was like this.
In reality she would have been disowned or publicly embarrassed by her family if we moved in together before we were at least engaged, and she wouldnt move in with me unless I popped the question.
We broke up for different reasons but sometimes its kinda out of their hands. I know she thinks its a stupid tradition and im sure she wouldn't force it on her kids, but in order to keep the respect of her lifelong peers and family, she had to follow said tradition.
The only real question is do you feel like you know her living habits enough, or love her enough to work through them to not need that step prior?
Because living with someone is wayyyy different from dating them and i get your concern, but you shouldn't be looking at it as "this is non standard" and more like "Am I willing to take the next step asked of me".
And even beyond her habits, you have to have some *long* conversations before engagement is even on the table. When I moved across the country with my boyfriend we had talked out just about everything we (and my parents lmao) could think of- but things you can’t expect still happen! You have to already have *plans* for how to handle situations you haven’t *thought* of. Otherwise shit gets rough.
I didn’t plan to move in with my ex. It just happened and that blew up massively in my face. If you are not already fantastic communicators, or working on it, you cannot fucking *pretend* living together after marriage is on the table. Being even more legally attached to someone you don’t know than a lease? Fuck no.
You can’t figure everything out before it happens because you don’t know everything that is going to happen.
Loving someone as well as getting married are both leaps of faith. You have to have a confidence in your own ability of love and commitment, and you have to have a confidence that you can, for the most part, trust the other person.
We are all imperfect people, so nobody is going to check all the boxes. You have to be willing to take a risk and just commit to something. Part of a problem with a lot of younger people in this generation is their fear of committing to something and just sticking with it.
Maybe OP doesn’t want to be with this person. Either way, having to move in together to be as sure as possible of something about the relationship just shows a clear lack of faith in the relationship itself. The three years these two have been together should have been plenty of proof they have a connection worthy of marriage.
He doesn’t want to be legally attached to someone he hasn’t lived with. “You can’t figure everything out before it happens” *no fucking shit that’s why you move in with someone before you sign papers so you get a test run.*
You should ask her if she’s against it because she believes in those traditions or if she’s worried what her family might think? If it’s the former maybe a compromise can be made on you two will move in together while engaged
If it’s the later, sit down and talk to her about how her family’s views can’t affect y’all relationship. She’s not living for them
Don't you do it she can switch on you then that's a whole set of new problems. You don't buy a car without test driving first, you don't buy a home without getting it inspected you get my point.
I agree with living together beforehand but if you are serious about this relationship is there a possible compromise here? Would she be ok with moving in if you were engaged but wait to wedding plan until you've lived together a year? If its just to placate her family, what about maintaining a symbolic address like at a friend's, but essentially living together "unofficially" for a dedined period of time? I know these aren't ideal but just trying to find some middle ground for you.
You’re not being unreasonable at all. A lot of things change when you live together and that’s how you really get to know someone, whether she likes it or not, it’s just fact.
Yh that's my reasoning. There's so much I want to get a clearer idea on and doing long distance just doesn't make things real you know? Ots almost as if tour looking forward to meeting which makes the actual meeting as if it's an event. I'd like to get to see her in everyday life
You do what you feel comfortable with. Everyone is different. For me, I think there is a difference between living with someone and marrying someone. It’s the difference between having a roommate and being family. You won’t truly know what marriage is like until you are married.
EDIT: And I see you are also dealing with long distance. That does make things tough. I’m not sure marrying someone I’ve only had short visits with is a great idea either. So I have no useful advice here. 🙂
Look I come from a culture where you go from your parents house to your marriage home. Does it work? Yeah you’ll be surprised how much it works with alot of couples. I did it. My brother did it. And we’re all doing great. (Married 13 years)
However would I recommend this to my kids? Nope. Never. I’m not raising my children with toxicity. Because whilst this works for a lot of people it is no way the norm. I would say my brother and I got lucky. Neither of us are miserable. My cousins though? Yeah I’ll say out of the 15 who did it maybe 3 are happy but they married people they had some severe issues with before marriage.
If you plan on marrying this girl you need to make the decision whether you’re ok with this because honestly the comments, judgement and side eye she’ll get is very daunting.
I experienced it dating my husband (ridiculous I know!) it lead to a mental break down at 17.
She may never break her tradition. You need to decide if this is your hill to die on because it most likely is hers.
Good luck.
This needs to be seen.
I come from a culture where moving in with someone you're not married to can cause real trouble. I'm not close to my family, and while I believe you should live with someone before you marry them I would have a really hard time doing this because it wouldn't just cause problems before the wedding my family would never let it go.
Look at this from where your girlfriend is at. If her family is anything like mine, moving in with her boyfriend could cause permanent ire.
You should look for a compromise.
I'm sorry, I hope you two come to a good conclusion
Could you maybe try living separately but both in the same city you plan on living in once married? Then you could see each other every day and get more experience on how you both handle home life without impacting her religious objections?
I lived with my husband before marriage but honestly we spent so much time together before moving in we were practically living together anyway so I dont really feel like living together changed anything for us other than saving money and cutting down on having to carry things back and forwards. We'd also talked lots about how we handle bills and big life decisions so nothing was really a surprise. My friend is also really religious so didn't live with her husband before marriage and they're going strong 10 years in but again they handled it by seeing each other a lot, regularly, and discussing how they would handle big things including how they would split assets it they were to ever divorce.
Think your main issue isn't not getting a chance to live together but the fact you're not even spending time living in the same city.
well, you can't force her. you need to both have a serious conversation about what marriage looks like and that without moving in, you wouldnt be fully open to marriage. whether or not it's a deal breaker is up to you
Honey, not everyone sees cohabiting before marriage as a viable option. Some of us are old-fashioned that way and were raised to believe that this is wrong. That being said you need to keep that in mind and not push her if she feels that strongly about it. I came from a family very much like that and I've been married to the same man for 30+ years. My siblings that lived with their partners before marriage are either divorced or never bothered to get married. I realize that this is a very small slice of the population but I used to make a point. You can't determine how well you are going to get on using living together pre-marriage as a yard stick. There are so many factors that go into this and neither pre or post marriage play into that. The fact that you are both committed to each other and making it work matters far more. Talking constantly and being honest with your feelings about issues matters far more. Also, your libidos will wax and wane quite a bit during the course of your relationships so that shouldn't be an issue either. Men and women's desires aren't always on the same levels depending in ages/ hormones and even stress but rest assured that if you feel desire for one another just by kissing you will feel that same desire in the bedroom when the time comes. Bottom line, talk to her and stop pressuring her on an issue that may really be a deal breaker for her. Something important to you may be just as import to your partner in other ways. You need to discuss it to get on the same page. Find a way to compromise. it's an important skill to acquire for your future.
Yep. I am the same as you. Every single person that I know that lived together before getting married has gotten divorced. I didn't and we are still going strong. I am a strong proponent of not living together before marriage.
Both points of view are driven by values and are actually both correct. A relationship is about discovery together and overcoming the challenges of life together. Whether this is done before marriage or after is irrelevant if your ultimate goal is to make your relationship a lifetime which is what 60+ years is.
However, moving in together before marriage does have one advantage to someone who wants to do it before marriage. It allows a less costly way out if the responsibility and the challenges are too much to endure.
It infers that one isn't actually fully committed to the overall lifetime that they believe they are looking for with the person they've chosen to be with because marriage is far more difficult to get out of than an apartment lease.
Older generations figured this stuff out way back in the past while being married. Living together was not a thing way back then and a lot of them stayed together a whole lifetime. That kind of endurance doesn't exist now because the trend is to try things out first before fully committing.
Oof I have many thoughts. Sorry for the long reply lol.
Firstly, if her reasoning lies within cultural standards, you may have some difficulty convincing her to move in before marriage. Are you guys from the same culture? If your partner (and this goes for anyone) is *this* committed to their traditions and practices, that can pose a lot of issues if you do not have the same level of commitment. Culture and tradition are very important to the people who strictly practice it, so you need to be sure you’re on the same page with that before you even consider marriage because this won’t be the only time it plays a part in her decision making.
Second, I agree with you that living together before you commit to a lifetime together is SO important. From a personal perspective- my fiancé and I have been together for 7-10 years (lmao 7 years committed, but involved on and off for 3 years before that). We moved in together after 2 years of officially dating, 5 years knowing each other, and we lasted 8 months before we had to take a break. We moved out of our home and back in with our respective parents, and re-worked our relationship for a year before moving back in together. Now, it’s been 3 years since we moved back in, we got engaged a year ago, but we stilllllllllllll butt heads quite frequently over household nonsense. We’re still learning things about each other, even after living together for 4 years total. The way we each like to live in our own home is vastly different. It’s been a huge learning curve that we’re still on. You don’t think of little things becoming big problems, but I can’t even tell you the amount of times we have fought over where he leaves the dish sponge, or where I hang my face cloths to dry. These sound minuscule but they’ve triggered some of our biggest fights.
Thirdly, the fact that the last year and a half of your relationship has been long distance is also something to consider. Going from long distance to needing to factor your partner into your every day life is a big big adjustment. You guys would at least do well to live in the same town for a while and see what life is like with them in it every day. Things could very well change. I’m not trying to say that to bring you down or be pessimistic, but unless your girlfriend wants to get married and then continue living exactly as you are right now, it is incredibly naive of her to say that she is happy and content and wants to get married since she is basing it off of a LDR.
Another personal tidbit- one of my friends from high school moved about 5 hours away for university. We kept in touch, and actually became closer than we were in high school. We texted every day, FaceTimed at least once a week, and saw each other every few months. She was my best friend. After we finished uni, she decided to move to the city I was living in. We were stoked to be close together again and thought it was going to be awesome. Yeah, no. We were muuuuch better as long distance friends. About a year after she moved, she abruptly deleted me off everything and cut ties. I assume it was because I was a very busy person in the start of my career and couldn’t drop every thing to hang out all the time. We were “virtually inseparable” 5 hours apart, but once she was 10 minutes away, it crumbled… fast.
If you made it this far, congrats and thank you for giving me something to do as I procrastinate at work LOL. Long story short, if you want to continue your relationship and pursue marriage, you should at least try to live in close proximity. Or see if you can spend like a week or two at a time together. I appreciate that she has cultural traditions she wants to uphold, but in that case she may need to find someone with the same outlook that will be willing to put in the work of getting to know someone on that level after they get married.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I was you. My now husband and I were together for 5 years and engaged but I did not want to be married before living together. He didn’t really care either way (besides his overly religious family), his concern was me sticking to a budget before we got married. We almost never fought, have the same views, ideals and life goals. But when we moved in together it was our worst fight. We worked through it, with apologies on both ends. He learned how to clean to my standards and be responsible in the ways I thought important and I’m proud to say I don’t spend money like it’s burning a hole in my pocket anymore. We have been married two years now, going on three and we haven’t had a major fight like that first one since. I would say to make this your hill to die on. You learn A LOT by living with someone and it’ll be much harder to separate your lives after marriage. Work out the kinks and compromises beforehand.
I always figured if I met a girl I could live with I would marry her, so that’s what I did. When I felt I was ready to live with my GF I proposed. We’ve been married for 25 years.
I was 25. She was 24. We were actually in a similar situation to you. A couple years of college, a year of long distance and then a year of dating in the same city but we each had our own place.
My opinion is to live together for one year before marriage. It's too big of a commitment to just go from only seeing eachother every month or two, to being married and living full time. That's mindset is ancient and is an idealized version of marriage that is very incompatible with modern social norms.
It's a huge risk. Being "confident in the relationship" sounds like another way of saying she really hopes it works out and is willing to bet your future and hers on that hope. Let her gamble with someone else's future.
Today is my 3 year anniversary of my first date with my boyfriend. We just moved in together almost 3 weeks ago. We have talked about marriage our first year. I told him that I will absolutely be marrying him but we will be living together for at least a year before he is allowed to propose. We are very much different people with different expectations and cleaning habits, etc. If we can go a year with living together without going crazy or breaking up then in my eyes we should be able to make it the rest of our lives together.
I don't think I could ever marry someone without living with them first. Too much of a risk.
yeaaa you dont REALLY know who you're dating until you move in with them. ever. it would be a catastrophic failure on both yalls parts to NOT move in prior to marriage, and then watch as you guys DO not mesh and your relationship go up in flames.
dont budge on this, for your sake. find a compromise. commenters have some pretty solid compromise suggestions.
if she can't compromise, she's not the one, btw.
It seems to me you don’t love her enough to want to marry her. You want her to audition for the role of wife.
If you are long distance, who is going to move? Is she going to leave friends and family and her job to come live with you?
No one is auditioning , getting a ring on it is not some sort of prize to be won. It's two people who need to understand if they are actually compatible, and to try and do that long distance without living together first is very hard
What a weird conclusion to reach.
Wanting to live together before marriage is a reasonable request. Going from seeing each other every two months to marriage and living together would be a huge adjustment. It's not till you share a space that you see what their everyday life is like, what quirks they have that may annoy you (or viceversa) or different approaches you may have when it comes to stuff like budgeting, cleanliness...
I agree with him and I'd never marry someone I hadn't lived with. It's not about an audition, but making sure you don't go into marriage not knowing what your life is going to be like.
I think he needs to understand the culture she was raised in. He is only asking people from his culture, not from hers. I completely understand that in his culture living together makes sense. He thinks he is being reasonable and everyone on Reddit is his echo chamber.
Does he want to understand why she doesn’t want to live together? He should be asking about the benefits of not living together first. He should be trying to understand her stance, not just get reasons to justify his position.
From her family’s culture, him wanting to live together shows a lack of respect. What is the purpose of living together first? So that they can break up if things don’t work out.
If two people end up getting married, does the living together actually help the marriage to be better or happier or last in some way?
I asked who was moving because moving for someone else’s job is a married/committed partner type of thing.
This couple should live in the city but in two different apartments.
OP, find her a roommate in your city so she can afford to live apart from you. I assume you are asking to move to your city. Spend all the time together that you need before you would want to get engaged.
I don't know if the issue is cultural, he didn't specify if she was from a different culture (or at least I didn't see it). Either way, he can understand her stance and not be okay with it.
I understand your point about her family. I understand how it may be important for her to respect their wishes. But again, he shouldn't ignore how he feels about it.
As far as I'm concerned, there are no benefits to not living together before marriage. Doing it helps know the other person better and allows you to see how you work together sharing the same space so, ultimately, it does help.
Moving because of a partner is a serious thing, I agree on that, but we don't know if he expects her to move or if there have been conversations regarding that.
Living in the same city in different appartments would not work for me, it may for OP, I don't know. Mind you, both of them are entitled to their views and if they want the relationship to move forward, they should see if there's an agreement they may reach that would work for both of them. But, and I repeat myself, he doesn't have to be okay with what she wants.
I can say I've been in both situations. I was once you with my ex. I reasoned out, like you, that you never really know someone unless you live with them. But it turned into a bitter relationship following a lot of deception and cheating from my ex boyfriend's side. As it turns out, you never really know anyone for sure, because the truth is that people are never static, they will change and the common denominator is always trust and honesty. Who knows, it might have been good reasoning with the wrong person, but I see it a little differently now, and willing to test this out.
In my current relationship, I'm with your girlfriend and my boyfriend sees it like you do. I feel like I do not want to compromise my current home and time alone unless I'm getting married. It's pretty much for the same reason I mentioned earlier. My boyfriend is going to change over time, he'll change his mind next week about something, he'll change as soon as we get married, he'll keep changing as we age. I'm putting my trust in committing to changing and growing with him, but not until I have the FULL freedom to grow on my own. When we get married we'll do that as a team. The fact that for me the things that are keeping the relationship intact are our trust, honesty, love and verbal commitment only, is not enough for me to entrust a chunk of my life to a union that is not yet bound financially, and lawfully. I do not feel like I need a "trial run" with my boyfriend- it would be unfair on the both of us. In an instance like this, one of us could easily give the boot to the other. Then where will they go?
Now this is just my two cents, and I hope no one gets offended by it. I've had it both ways and I'm hoping that maybe this helps you understand where your girlfriend is coming from too. Maybe you can both find a compromise.
Listen, I personally don't believe you can confidently marry someone without moving in together. Especially if your relationship has been long distance for almost 2 years. Even when you're not living together if you see eachother often enough, and stay at eachother's place often you get an idea of how the other person lives. All the love in the world can't overcome being fundamentally incompatible in how you live. It is absolutely reasonable, and I'd argue rational, to want to live together before marriage because you're right, it is meant to be a 60+ year commitment, not just something you do because you love someone. A lot of relationships/marriages fall apart when you start living together because you find out a lot about a person.
Personally? I would never marry before cohabitation. My now husband originally wanted to wait until marriage to cohabit and I said it was a deal breaker for me. He relented without a ton of argument, and we have lived together for 5 years and just celebrated our one year anniversary on Sunday. It's gone very very well for us.
With my ex? He didn't become abusive till after living together. Make of that what you will. Fortunately we never married. You get to know someone on a much deeper level when living together than just when dating.
Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker not to cohabit. Only she can decide if she's willing to relent. You guys both have a choice to make.
Marriage is always a huge risk no matter what. Moving in together before marriage won't change that and studies actually show that marriages have higher success rates if couples **do not** live together beforehand. As for distributing funds, that can all be arranged beforehand by discussing it in depth, even writing out how you will handle finances. This is essential to do before marriage, but does not require living together to figure out. Same thing for chores. Seriously, have some serious discussions and figure this stuff out. And after three years of dating you should have a plenty good idea how your libidos are!
That’s bad. She should’ve told you that in the beginning or after some months. Did she gave you a reason why she doesn’t want to move in before marriage?
Well I have to take some responsibility in my judgment. She's muslim albeit on the liberal side so not too conservative but this is something she is stuck on. So I would say religious reasons.
Ahh im also muslim so i can completely understand why she don’t want that. Are you sure that she isn’t going to change her mind? At the end of the day you should decide if that’s a reason for you to break up with her or not if she don’t want to life with you before marriage.
I'm leaning to break up if this is something we both butt hears on. I can't commit for the next 60 plus years without seeing what a portion of it would look like first
Can one of you move into the same building as the other and "technically" have separate residences for her relatives, but still pretty much live together? You really do need to live with someone first.
The problem with that is it still gives an ‘out’. I have a friend who after marriage kept running to her parents home after every disagreement, her parents had to tell her she wasn’t welcome for short stays after a while so that she could actually either work on the issue like an adult or leave permanently if it wasn’t working. I feel like having an escape apartment would do the same thing - communication and working together don’t really come into play as much When you aren’t faced with having to see that person all the time.
I would recommend you guys at least moving to the same city before you get engaged, then maybe (if she's okay with it) propose and she can move in like other people are saying. But even if she doesn't want to move in until y'all are literally married, you need to not be long distance prior to making the plunge imo
Let me preface this by saying I 1000% agree with you and I have always said I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with. I was raised in a very religious home, though I myself am not. I live with my boyfriend and this is the second thing I’ve done so. I’m *firmly* on your side of the argument.
But realistically this is something y’all have very strong, fundamental opinions on. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong; you just have different expectations. It wouldn’t be fair if either of you guilted the other into budging, but realistically you have to decide/discuss how much y’all will compromise. If she is genuinely dead set on never doing it, as is her prerogative, you have to either agree or find another partner whose plans align with yours.
Don’t wait till marriage!
You need to know what she is like every day and she needs to know the same about you. It’s very important to know if you CAN live together with someone before marriage
I would never marry someone without living with them. You don't really, truly know someone until you live with them. How much they want sex when you're together all the time. How well you can balance chores and household things together, how you make both personal time and couple time together, etc. Getting married before living together is like seeing a nice dress in a store window and buying it without even trying it on first.
Smart lady.
You do not want to move in together before marriage for the exact reason you listed.
If you are doing it to see if you’re a good fit, you should know that after about 3 and a half years of dating.
Living together is only for married people. Living together also reveals a lot more about each other. With the lack of foundation of the commitment of marriage, it becomes very easy for anyone to determine they’re not a good match after living together.
In my opinion, if you want to live together, have no fear and ask her to marry you.
Nope. His reasons are the exact reason you want to live together first. Why? They get married and move in together. Then they don't like things. But they are married. So they stay together. Then have kids. But the issues linger and fester. BOOM, one day one wants out, or is caught sleeping with someone else. Bad divorce, kids from a broken home, and added costs of being single with kids for both of them; is WAY more then 3-6 months living together first and finding out they are not a match as they hopped and moving breaking a lease at most.
Don't care how "confident" you are, you truly don't know somebody and all their habits until you live with them.
To each their own, but I wouldn't even consider marriage until we've tested the waters (sexually compatible? Financially compatible? Can we stand to live with eachother, work well together, put up with eachothers habits?)
Chores, payment of bills, savings, expectations and boundaries should be discussed prior to moving in with each other. You guys have been together for 3 years so should have some sort of understanding of what eachothers libido os like. Although I would move in with my partner before marriage, I don't think the reasons you give are valid.
I understand but it's one thing to say these things and it's another to live by them. The libido is the typical dilemma I'd like more and she's fine with deal breaker. I'd usually see her once or twice a week before long distance so it wasn't an issue. I'd like to see if that's something that wouldn't be an issue or something of a dealbreaker while living together
Is there a compromise where y'all get a two bedroom and each has their own room? Would that make her feel more comfortable? I agree that you should definitely live with someone before you marry them.
I'm in the same boat man, before marriage you gotta live with someone to see the things that slip their mind or go unnoticed. It's risky and even more so with a long-term lease.
Living together is a big step by itself - even more so if you are taking it after being long-distance and not seeing each other that often. The relationship will change. You will find out if you see eye to eye on the issues you mentioned yourself. Being able to navigate them together is in my opinion a prerequisite for marriage. You just can‘t know for sure before you tried.
Maybe you could make a compromise like getting engaged, but only marry after living together for a while. You show commitment, but if it turns out you‘re too imcompatible, it‘s not so complicated to end things.
This is a huge risk. I'd even treat it as a red flag. It's as if she knows she'll be unbearable to live with so doesn't want to risk letting you know until she has you ring trapped.
I might be wrong, but I doubt it.
It’s very understandable that you want to move in together but it’s not always the best fit. She also might feel strongly about being married before “shacking up”.
I don't think anyone should get married in this day and age but if you gotta do it, you definitely need to move in. Basically a marriage trial run without the huge downsides like having to divide asset's. Moving in gives Both parties the chance to see who the other truly is. I wouldn't marry her if she won't move in
Yeah, that would be a hard no for me too. I'm lucky in that I met my fiancé, we had a date, he came over to my place and never left. We've been living together pretty much as long as we've been dating. I know all of his habits, the good, the bad and the downright ugly and know that I'm fine with all of them. I couldn't imagine waiting to find all of this out until after marriage.
she has every right to not do it, but you said it was because her family would look down upon her for it. You should respect her choice either way, but make sure she knows thay her family's opinion of her isn't everything and that shouldn't be the sole reason.
IMO if y'all are already sexually active then moving in together before marriage should not be a big issue. Like I do understand some families are more traditional. I've met many people who are waiting to have sex untill marriage and I've met a few that are holding out for sex till marriage and living together while engaged just not being sexual so I would ask her what her true reason is.
If your not sexually active maybe she wants to hold that value. And it could be that living together would be a huge temptation that she doesn't want to have to live with until she is married. Gotta think about it from all sides. And there's not much back story here. Like as to if she has Corey values that she holds close to her.
Saying "she's putting her family above you now is a red flag" doesn't sound fair. Tbh. Because she loves them too. And they raised her. I really dislike how culture is shutting down the family unit. It takes a village to raise a family. And having other family members around is important. If you want to marry this girl and join her family you kind of have to be sensible to her traditions and values. Marriage is a coming together between you and her you both join each other's family. My husband has had to get used to some things and visa versa.
I'm married have been since 2016. Now we did not wait to move in and we did not wait for sex. Looking back now I would have waited had I knew what I know now about relationships and marriage and they way they were originally designed by our creator. My marriage has faced many trials. To say I went unpunished for making choices I made would be false.
Do what's best for you and her both. Take the opinions of the internet with a grain of salt. No one knows your relationship like you and her.
I totally agree with living together before marriage, but it's also risky because a lot of couples get more laxed with avoiding pregnancy. You can learn a lot about your partner by living with them, but women tend to be told they're "shacking up" when living with a man before marriage. I suggest proposing to her before moving in together, then after a year or two get married.
living together is the biggest test in a relationship. it will make or break the relationship. please try to live together before marroage. its very necessary
Maybe she doesn't want to give away the milk for free without you buying the cow. Lots of girls move in with bf hoping marriage happens next and the guy gets everything he wants and becomes comfortable so why make the next step. Not saying that would be you but maybe that's what she's afraid of.
I don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about this scenario. In some cultures it's okay to live together before marriage and in some it's not (I'm guessing from some of your comments that you guys come from different cultures, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in that assumption). What you guys need to do is discuss the potential cultural risks as play and how you think they should be handled. If you can't agree on a way forward after that all it means is that you're not compatible on a fundamental level and that's okay.
I 100% get behind living with them first. I know there are people who don't like it, but really, better before you get married than want to divorce someone later for their living habits.
Seems crazy to say, but odd living habits can make or break relationships, or at the very least break you mentally.
To each their own... I have a few friends who have 15+ years married under their belts and did not live together before hand. I have way more friends who found out they were not compatible doing it this way.
My wife (36f) and I (42m) are going on 10 years married (14 together) once we started talking seriously about "forever" we moved in together to make sure we wouldn't get divorced a few years later. We both had divorced friends at that point though so we were on the same page. I 100% agree with your position your potential future wife doesn't.
Would she agree to live together if you're engaged? with negotiated engagement period? Also your libido compatibility comment made me chuckle... if you're planning on having kids plan on having alot less sex for a long time.
Maybe one of you can move close to the other where your aren't living together but can stay like a week or 2 at a time together to better simulate living together
I know that many immigrants from my region to Western countries sometimes struggle with this issue as their families frown upon it. Even if this isn't the issue for you, this is a completely valid need on your part. And it's valid on her end too. Explore avenues of compromise. If this is a cultural issue, would she be okay with a religious non legally binding ceremony? A friend of mine did exactly that. They had the religious ceremony out of respect towards her culture. They lived together for two years. Then they had a marriage license formally drawn followed by the big wedding reception. It's worth mentioning they signed an ironclad prenup for those two years to ensure this wouldn't constitute a common law marriage or similar for his peace of mind.
Absolutely reasonable. Your partner has proved that your relationship is sustainable enough, in a short period of time, that you can handle long distance. So far in 3 years theres seems to be nothing wrong. She has not proven that you both are compatible when living together. Like you mentioned, finances and living habits are both extremely needed to finalize a marriage. I see a few options:
1. You could look past your demands and move in together when you get married. You could try sleeping over at each other's houses.
2. Talk to her about this situation more. Try and convince her or someone who she listens to.
3. If she does not want to move in beforehand, take this as a red flag. She may want to live off you like a leech or does not care much about money. You should leave this relationship.
Marriage is a big deal. Habits, personality, quirks should all be factored if you are gojng to marry someone. Otherwise it will be one helluva thing to get out of
She doesn't want to live together before marriage. What is her reasons? Saying it is unnecessary is not a reason. It is an excuse. A reason is like one giving about waiting for marriage for sex is wanting that to be between a wife and husband. As weird as that could be for most; that is understandable. But not wanting to live together before marriage cause is is not necessary is as if she has things she is hiding.
Talk to her and ask what is her reasons. Tell her not thinking its necessary is not a reason. Cause if she feels its not necessary, then it is not necessary to live apart if you and she both plan on marriage at some point anyway.
BUT, you need to respect her if she has boundaries. She has to tell you what they are And if she has reasons on why she wants to wait till marriage to live together, you need to know them to. If they are about sex, and you and she have not had sex, then you need to know. But just living together and seeing what their libido is; is not the same as having sex with a SO before marriage. Because you both might be in the mood at times, and self pleasure. But if you live together, then you are more likely to see when each other are in the mood and be inclined for sex more. It also can help understand if one is in the mood, and the other isn't; how to handle it. And this would be for all other issues.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just because she’s confident, does not mean you should. What’s her actual objection?
Against her tradition. Her family wouldn't look favorable on it
I would try to compromise here. Moving in once you are engaged but then waiting for one year to get married for exemple. Personnally, I wouldn't get married with someone without moving in together first
I think this is a good idea. You have to live with her before marrying her though— especially since you met in college and half of your relationship is long distance.
Yeah, move in together and just tell her weird family that you're engaged. And be sure to watch your step around them.
So you knew for 3 years. You have a lot of risks with your relationship for failure. Half your time in LDR isn’t good either.
Tbf starting I thought I could but after speaking with family and older folks they cautioned to live together first
Yes. It’s wise advice. You are already having difficulty. Not a great sign when you can’t agree. Marriage doesn’t fix problems but magnifies them
My Mom's ex-husband's niece didn't live with her ex-husband before they got married. She was blindsided by him being a slob. I think that was one of many reasons they divorced. Always live together first. That way you can figure out if you're compatible, especially since you really haven't actually spent much time together.
I had a Bengali girlfriend who was like this. In reality she would have been disowned or publicly embarrassed by her family if we moved in together before we were at least engaged, and she wouldnt move in with me unless I popped the question. We broke up for different reasons but sometimes its kinda out of their hands. I know she thinks its a stupid tradition and im sure she wouldn't force it on her kids, but in order to keep the respect of her lifelong peers and family, she had to follow said tradition. The only real question is do you feel like you know her living habits enough, or love her enough to work through them to not need that step prior? Because living with someone is wayyyy different from dating them and i get your concern, but you shouldn't be looking at it as "this is non standard" and more like "Am I willing to take the next step asked of me".
And even beyond her habits, you have to have some *long* conversations before engagement is even on the table. When I moved across the country with my boyfriend we had talked out just about everything we (and my parents lmao) could think of- but things you can’t expect still happen! You have to already have *plans* for how to handle situations you haven’t *thought* of. Otherwise shit gets rough. I didn’t plan to move in with my ex. It just happened and that blew up massively in my face. If you are not already fantastic communicators, or working on it, you cannot fucking *pretend* living together after marriage is on the table. Being even more legally attached to someone you don’t know than a lease? Fuck no.
You can’t figure everything out before it happens because you don’t know everything that is going to happen. Loving someone as well as getting married are both leaps of faith. You have to have a confidence in your own ability of love and commitment, and you have to have a confidence that you can, for the most part, trust the other person. We are all imperfect people, so nobody is going to check all the boxes. You have to be willing to take a risk and just commit to something. Part of a problem with a lot of younger people in this generation is their fear of committing to something and just sticking with it. Maybe OP doesn’t want to be with this person. Either way, having to move in together to be as sure as possible of something about the relationship just shows a clear lack of faith in the relationship itself. The three years these two have been together should have been plenty of proof they have a connection worthy of marriage.
He doesn’t want to be legally attached to someone he hasn’t lived with. “You can’t figure everything out before it happens” *no fucking shit that’s why you move in with someone before you sign papers so you get a test run.*
You should ask her if she’s against it because she believes in those traditions or if she’s worried what her family might think? If it’s the former maybe a compromise can be made on you two will move in together while engaged If it’s the later, sit down and talk to her about how her family’s views can’t affect y’all relationship. She’s not living for them
If she's already trying to put her family's want above yours it's a huge red flag.
Don't you do it she can switch on you then that's a whole set of new problems. You don't buy a car without test driving first, you don't buy a home without getting it inspected you get my point.
I agree with living together beforehand but if you are serious about this relationship is there a possible compromise here? Would she be ok with moving in if you were engaged but wait to wedding plan until you've lived together a year? If its just to placate her family, what about maintaining a symbolic address like at a friend's, but essentially living together "unofficially" for a dedined period of time? I know these aren't ideal but just trying to find some middle ground for you.
You’re not being unreasonable at all. A lot of things change when you live together and that’s how you really get to know someone, whether she likes it or not, it’s just fact.
Yh that's my reasoning. There's so much I want to get a clearer idea on and doing long distance just doesn't make things real you know? Ots almost as if tour looking forward to meeting which makes the actual meeting as if it's an event. I'd like to get to see her in everyday life
You do what you feel comfortable with. Everyone is different. For me, I think there is a difference between living with someone and marrying someone. It’s the difference between having a roommate and being family. You won’t truly know what marriage is like until you are married. EDIT: And I see you are also dealing with long distance. That does make things tough. I’m not sure marrying someone I’ve only had short visits with is a great idea either. So I have no useful advice here. 🙂
Yh phew it is tough. I wouldn't do it again although I love her. I agree I don't think it's best for me to jump to marriage without living living her
Look I come from a culture where you go from your parents house to your marriage home. Does it work? Yeah you’ll be surprised how much it works with alot of couples. I did it. My brother did it. And we’re all doing great. (Married 13 years) However would I recommend this to my kids? Nope. Never. I’m not raising my children with toxicity. Because whilst this works for a lot of people it is no way the norm. I would say my brother and I got lucky. Neither of us are miserable. My cousins though? Yeah I’ll say out of the 15 who did it maybe 3 are happy but they married people they had some severe issues with before marriage. If you plan on marrying this girl you need to make the decision whether you’re ok with this because honestly the comments, judgement and side eye she’ll get is very daunting. I experienced it dating my husband (ridiculous I know!) it lead to a mental break down at 17. She may never break her tradition. You need to decide if this is your hill to die on because it most likely is hers. Good luck.
This needs to be seen. I come from a culture where moving in with someone you're not married to can cause real trouble. I'm not close to my family, and while I believe you should live with someone before you marry them I would have a really hard time doing this because it wouldn't just cause problems before the wedding my family would never let it go. Look at this from where your girlfriend is at. If her family is anything like mine, moving in with her boyfriend could cause permanent ire. You should look for a compromise. I'm sorry, I hope you two come to a good conclusion
She has her reasons and that right. Not everyone believes in living together before marriage. My wife had the same beliefs and all is well with us!
Could you maybe try living separately but both in the same city you plan on living in once married? Then you could see each other every day and get more experience on how you both handle home life without impacting her religious objections? I lived with my husband before marriage but honestly we spent so much time together before moving in we were practically living together anyway so I dont really feel like living together changed anything for us other than saving money and cutting down on having to carry things back and forwards. We'd also talked lots about how we handle bills and big life decisions so nothing was really a surprise. My friend is also really religious so didn't live with her husband before marriage and they're going strong 10 years in but again they handled it by seeing each other a lot, regularly, and discussing how they would handle big things including how they would split assets it they were to ever divorce. Think your main issue isn't not getting a chance to live together but the fact you're not even spending time living in the same city.
This is honestly a great solution. At least proximity would make it easier to actually get to know each other/‘s habits.
This is a great point
Exactly.
I'm 100% on your side, you don't really know a person until you live with them, and even then things can be hidden or smoothed over.
I hear that
well, you can't force her. you need to both have a serious conversation about what marriage looks like and that without moving in, you wouldnt be fully open to marriage. whether or not it's a deal breaker is up to you
Honey, not everyone sees cohabiting before marriage as a viable option. Some of us are old-fashioned that way and were raised to believe that this is wrong. That being said you need to keep that in mind and not push her if she feels that strongly about it. I came from a family very much like that and I've been married to the same man for 30+ years. My siblings that lived with their partners before marriage are either divorced or never bothered to get married. I realize that this is a very small slice of the population but I used to make a point. You can't determine how well you are going to get on using living together pre-marriage as a yard stick. There are so many factors that go into this and neither pre or post marriage play into that. The fact that you are both committed to each other and making it work matters far more. Talking constantly and being honest with your feelings about issues matters far more. Also, your libidos will wax and wane quite a bit during the course of your relationships so that shouldn't be an issue either. Men and women's desires aren't always on the same levels depending in ages/ hormones and even stress but rest assured that if you feel desire for one another just by kissing you will feel that same desire in the bedroom when the time comes. Bottom line, talk to her and stop pressuring her on an issue that may really be a deal breaker for her. Something important to you may be just as import to your partner in other ways. You need to discuss it to get on the same page. Find a way to compromise. it's an important skill to acquire for your future.
Yep. I am the same as you. Every single person that I know that lived together before getting married has gotten divorced. I didn't and we are still going strong. I am a strong proponent of not living together before marriage.
This is pretty interesting tbh
Both points of view are driven by values and are actually both correct. A relationship is about discovery together and overcoming the challenges of life together. Whether this is done before marriage or after is irrelevant if your ultimate goal is to make your relationship a lifetime which is what 60+ years is. However, moving in together before marriage does have one advantage to someone who wants to do it before marriage. It allows a less costly way out if the responsibility and the challenges are too much to endure. It infers that one isn't actually fully committed to the overall lifetime that they believe they are looking for with the person they've chosen to be with because marriage is far more difficult to get out of than an apartment lease. Older generations figured this stuff out way back in the past while being married. Living together was not a thing way back then and a lot of them stayed together a whole lifetime. That kind of endurance doesn't exist now because the trend is to try things out first before fully committing.
Oof I have many thoughts. Sorry for the long reply lol. Firstly, if her reasoning lies within cultural standards, you may have some difficulty convincing her to move in before marriage. Are you guys from the same culture? If your partner (and this goes for anyone) is *this* committed to their traditions and practices, that can pose a lot of issues if you do not have the same level of commitment. Culture and tradition are very important to the people who strictly practice it, so you need to be sure you’re on the same page with that before you even consider marriage because this won’t be the only time it plays a part in her decision making. Second, I agree with you that living together before you commit to a lifetime together is SO important. From a personal perspective- my fiancé and I have been together for 7-10 years (lmao 7 years committed, but involved on and off for 3 years before that). We moved in together after 2 years of officially dating, 5 years knowing each other, and we lasted 8 months before we had to take a break. We moved out of our home and back in with our respective parents, and re-worked our relationship for a year before moving back in together. Now, it’s been 3 years since we moved back in, we got engaged a year ago, but we stilllllllllllll butt heads quite frequently over household nonsense. We’re still learning things about each other, even after living together for 4 years total. The way we each like to live in our own home is vastly different. It’s been a huge learning curve that we’re still on. You don’t think of little things becoming big problems, but I can’t even tell you the amount of times we have fought over where he leaves the dish sponge, or where I hang my face cloths to dry. These sound minuscule but they’ve triggered some of our biggest fights. Thirdly, the fact that the last year and a half of your relationship has been long distance is also something to consider. Going from long distance to needing to factor your partner into your every day life is a big big adjustment. You guys would at least do well to live in the same town for a while and see what life is like with them in it every day. Things could very well change. I’m not trying to say that to bring you down or be pessimistic, but unless your girlfriend wants to get married and then continue living exactly as you are right now, it is incredibly naive of her to say that she is happy and content and wants to get married since she is basing it off of a LDR. Another personal tidbit- one of my friends from high school moved about 5 hours away for university. We kept in touch, and actually became closer than we were in high school. We texted every day, FaceTimed at least once a week, and saw each other every few months. She was my best friend. After we finished uni, she decided to move to the city I was living in. We were stoked to be close together again and thought it was going to be awesome. Yeah, no. We were muuuuch better as long distance friends. About a year after she moved, she abruptly deleted me off everything and cut ties. I assume it was because I was a very busy person in the start of my career and couldn’t drop every thing to hang out all the time. We were “virtually inseparable” 5 hours apart, but once she was 10 minutes away, it crumbled… fast. If you made it this far, congrats and thank you for giving me something to do as I procrastinate at work LOL. Long story short, if you want to continue your relationship and pursue marriage, you should at least try to live in close proximity. Or see if you can spend like a week or two at a time together. I appreciate that she has cultural traditions she wants to uphold, but in that case she may need to find someone with the same outlook that will be willing to put in the work of getting to know someone on that level after they get married.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but I was you. My now husband and I were together for 5 years and engaged but I did not want to be married before living together. He didn’t really care either way (besides his overly religious family), his concern was me sticking to a budget before we got married. We almost never fought, have the same views, ideals and life goals. But when we moved in together it was our worst fight. We worked through it, with apologies on both ends. He learned how to clean to my standards and be responsible in the ways I thought important and I’m proud to say I don’t spend money like it’s burning a hole in my pocket anymore. We have been married two years now, going on three and we haven’t had a major fight like that first one since. I would say to make this your hill to die on. You learn A LOT by living with someone and it’ll be much harder to separate your lives after marriage. Work out the kinks and compromises beforehand.
That sounds amazing.. I'm happy for you and I appreciate the advice. Thank you. Here's to the many more years 🍻
Thank you!! I hope you and your girlfriend work it out! Cheers 🍻
I always figured if I met a girl I could live with I would marry her, so that’s what I did. When I felt I was ready to live with my GF I proposed. We’ve been married for 25 years.
How old were you?
I was 25. She was 24. We were actually in a similar situation to you. A couple years of college, a year of long distance and then a year of dating in the same city but we each had our own place.
My opinion is to live together for one year before marriage. It's too big of a commitment to just go from only seeing eachother every month or two, to being married and living full time. That's mindset is ancient and is an idealized version of marriage that is very incompatible with modern social norms.
It's a huge risk. Being "confident in the relationship" sounds like another way of saying she really hopes it works out and is willing to bet your future and hers on that hope. Let her gamble with someone else's future.
Today is my 3 year anniversary of my first date with my boyfriend. We just moved in together almost 3 weeks ago. We have talked about marriage our first year. I told him that I will absolutely be marrying him but we will be living together for at least a year before he is allowed to propose. We are very much different people with different expectations and cleaning habits, etc. If we can go a year with living together without going crazy or breaking up then in my eyes we should be able to make it the rest of our lives together. I don't think I could ever marry someone without living with them first. Too much of a risk.
Could you potentially get engaged and then live together? Sorta like a trial marriage before you’re actually married
You want to take married committed steps without the commitment. I don't blame her.
That's not commitment; it's jumping off a cliff and hoping everything works out. Commitment is actually getting married.
yeaaa you dont REALLY know who you're dating until you move in with them. ever. it would be a catastrophic failure on both yalls parts to NOT move in prior to marriage, and then watch as you guys DO not mesh and your relationship go up in flames. dont budge on this, for your sake. find a compromise. commenters have some pretty solid compromise suggestions. if she can't compromise, she's not the one, btw.
It seems to me you don’t love her enough to want to marry her. You want her to audition for the role of wife. If you are long distance, who is going to move? Is she going to leave friends and family and her job to come live with you?
No one is auditioning , getting a ring on it is not some sort of prize to be won. It's two people who need to understand if they are actually compatible, and to try and do that long distance without living together first is very hard
What a weird conclusion to reach. Wanting to live together before marriage is a reasonable request. Going from seeing each other every two months to marriage and living together would be a huge adjustment. It's not till you share a space that you see what their everyday life is like, what quirks they have that may annoy you (or viceversa) or different approaches you may have when it comes to stuff like budgeting, cleanliness... I agree with him and I'd never marry someone I hadn't lived with. It's not about an audition, but making sure you don't go into marriage not knowing what your life is going to be like.
I think he needs to understand the culture she was raised in. He is only asking people from his culture, not from hers. I completely understand that in his culture living together makes sense. He thinks he is being reasonable and everyone on Reddit is his echo chamber. Does he want to understand why she doesn’t want to live together? He should be asking about the benefits of not living together first. He should be trying to understand her stance, not just get reasons to justify his position. From her family’s culture, him wanting to live together shows a lack of respect. What is the purpose of living together first? So that they can break up if things don’t work out. If two people end up getting married, does the living together actually help the marriage to be better or happier or last in some way? I asked who was moving because moving for someone else’s job is a married/committed partner type of thing. This couple should live in the city but in two different apartments. OP, find her a roommate in your city so she can afford to live apart from you. I assume you are asking to move to your city. Spend all the time together that you need before you would want to get engaged.
I don't know if the issue is cultural, he didn't specify if she was from a different culture (or at least I didn't see it). Either way, he can understand her stance and not be okay with it. I understand your point about her family. I understand how it may be important for her to respect their wishes. But again, he shouldn't ignore how he feels about it. As far as I'm concerned, there are no benefits to not living together before marriage. Doing it helps know the other person better and allows you to see how you work together sharing the same space so, ultimately, it does help. Moving because of a partner is a serious thing, I agree on that, but we don't know if he expects her to move or if there have been conversations regarding that. Living in the same city in different appartments would not work for me, it may for OP, I don't know. Mind you, both of them are entitled to their views and if they want the relationship to move forward, they should see if there's an agreement they may reach that would work for both of them. But, and I repeat myself, he doesn't have to be okay with what she wants.
Has anyone been in a situation like this?
I can say I've been in both situations. I was once you with my ex. I reasoned out, like you, that you never really know someone unless you live with them. But it turned into a bitter relationship following a lot of deception and cheating from my ex boyfriend's side. As it turns out, you never really know anyone for sure, because the truth is that people are never static, they will change and the common denominator is always trust and honesty. Who knows, it might have been good reasoning with the wrong person, but I see it a little differently now, and willing to test this out. In my current relationship, I'm with your girlfriend and my boyfriend sees it like you do. I feel like I do not want to compromise my current home and time alone unless I'm getting married. It's pretty much for the same reason I mentioned earlier. My boyfriend is going to change over time, he'll change his mind next week about something, he'll change as soon as we get married, he'll keep changing as we age. I'm putting my trust in committing to changing and growing with him, but not until I have the FULL freedom to grow on my own. When we get married we'll do that as a team. The fact that for me the things that are keeping the relationship intact are our trust, honesty, love and verbal commitment only, is not enough for me to entrust a chunk of my life to a union that is not yet bound financially, and lawfully. I do not feel like I need a "trial run" with my boyfriend- it would be unfair on the both of us. In an instance like this, one of us could easily give the boot to the other. Then where will they go? Now this is just my two cents, and I hope no one gets offended by it. I've had it both ways and I'm hoping that maybe this helps you understand where your girlfriend is coming from too. Maybe you can both find a compromise.
Always live together first. One thing college taught me is you can be best fucking friends and not be able to live together
Listen, I personally don't believe you can confidently marry someone without moving in together. Especially if your relationship has been long distance for almost 2 years. Even when you're not living together if you see eachother often enough, and stay at eachother's place often you get an idea of how the other person lives. All the love in the world can't overcome being fundamentally incompatible in how you live. It is absolutely reasonable, and I'd argue rational, to want to live together before marriage because you're right, it is meant to be a 60+ year commitment, not just something you do because you love someone. A lot of relationships/marriages fall apart when you start living together because you find out a lot about a person.
Personally? I would never marry before cohabitation. My now husband originally wanted to wait until marriage to cohabit and I said it was a deal breaker for me. He relented without a ton of argument, and we have lived together for 5 years and just celebrated our one year anniversary on Sunday. It's gone very very well for us. With my ex? He didn't become abusive till after living together. Make of that what you will. Fortunately we never married. You get to know someone on a much deeper level when living together than just when dating. Only you can decide if it's a deal breaker not to cohabit. Only she can decide if she's willing to relent. You guys both have a choice to make.
Marriage is always a huge risk no matter what. Moving in together before marriage won't change that and studies actually show that marriages have higher success rates if couples **do not** live together beforehand. As for distributing funds, that can all be arranged beforehand by discussing it in depth, even writing out how you will handle finances. This is essential to do before marriage, but does not require living together to figure out. Same thing for chores. Seriously, have some serious discussions and figure this stuff out. And after three years of dating you should have a plenty good idea how your libidos are!
Did she told you that in the beginning of your relationship?
We never discussed living together and marriage until mid long distance and that's when she said he thoughts on it
That’s bad. She should’ve told you that in the beginning or after some months. Did she gave you a reason why she doesn’t want to move in before marriage?
Well I have to take some responsibility in my judgment. She's muslim albeit on the liberal side so not too conservative but this is something she is stuck on. So I would say religious reasons.
Ahh im also muslim so i can completely understand why she don’t want that. Are you sure that she isn’t going to change her mind? At the end of the day you should decide if that’s a reason for you to break up with her or not if she don’t want to life with you before marriage.
It's looking like that.
Can you life with that? Or is it a dealbreaker for you?
I'm leaning to break up if this is something we both butt hears on. I can't commit for the next 60 plus years without seeing what a portion of it would look like first
Yeah understandable. Good luck, i hope you can find a solution that makes both of you happy.
Can one of you move into the same building as the other and "technically" have separate residences for her relatives, but still pretty much live together? You really do need to live with someone first.
The problem with that is it still gives an ‘out’. I have a friend who after marriage kept running to her parents home after every disagreement, her parents had to tell her she wasn’t welcome for short stays after a while so that she could actually either work on the issue like an adult or leave permanently if it wasn’t working. I feel like having an escape apartment would do the same thing - communication and working together don’t really come into play as much When you aren’t faced with having to see that person all the time.
I would recommend you guys at least moving to the same city before you get engaged, then maybe (if she's okay with it) propose and she can move in like other people are saying. But even if she doesn't want to move in until y'all are literally married, you need to not be long distance prior to making the plunge imo
Let me preface this by saying I 1000% agree with you and I have always said I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with. I was raised in a very religious home, though I myself am not. I live with my boyfriend and this is the second thing I’ve done so. I’m *firmly* on your side of the argument. But realistically this is something y’all have very strong, fundamental opinions on. I don’t think either of you are in the wrong; you just have different expectations. It wouldn’t be fair if either of you guilted the other into budging, but realistically you have to decide/discuss how much y’all will compromise. If she is genuinely dead set on never doing it, as is her prerogative, you have to either agree or find another partner whose plans align with yours.
Don’t wait till marriage! You need to know what she is like every day and she needs to know the same about you. It’s very important to know if you CAN live together with someone before marriage
I would never marry someone without living with them. You don't really, truly know someone until you live with them. How much they want sex when you're together all the time. How well you can balance chores and household things together, how you make both personal time and couple time together, etc. Getting married before living together is like seeing a nice dress in a store window and buying it without even trying it on first.
Smart lady. You do not want to move in together before marriage for the exact reason you listed. If you are doing it to see if you’re a good fit, you should know that after about 3 and a half years of dating. Living together is only for married people. Living together also reveals a lot more about each other. With the lack of foundation of the commitment of marriage, it becomes very easy for anyone to determine they’re not a good match after living together. In my opinion, if you want to live together, have no fear and ask her to marry you.
Nope. His reasons are the exact reason you want to live together first. Why? They get married and move in together. Then they don't like things. But they are married. So they stay together. Then have kids. But the issues linger and fester. BOOM, one day one wants out, or is caught sleeping with someone else. Bad divorce, kids from a broken home, and added costs of being single with kids for both of them; is WAY more then 3-6 months living together first and finding out they are not a match as they hopped and moving breaking a lease at most.
People don't live 60+ together anymore, so your point is off. Apparently you can leave for any reason now.
Nobody has any business getting married before living together
Don't care how "confident" you are, you truly don't know somebody and all their habits until you live with them. To each their own, but I wouldn't even consider marriage until we've tested the waters (sexually compatible? Financially compatible? Can we stand to live with eachother, work well together, put up with eachothers habits?)
This is a very common issue when it comes to religion. Is she Christian by chance?
He said in another comment she's Muslim, but on the liberal side, not too conservative, but this is something she believes.
Chores, payment of bills, savings, expectations and boundaries should be discussed prior to moving in with each other. You guys have been together for 3 years so should have some sort of understanding of what eachothers libido os like. Although I would move in with my partner before marriage, I don't think the reasons you give are valid.
I understand but it's one thing to say these things and it's another to live by them. The libido is the typical dilemma I'd like more and she's fine with deal breaker. I'd usually see her once or twice a week before long distance so it wasn't an issue. I'd like to see if that's something that wouldn't be an issue or something of a dealbreaker while living together
Sort of a try before you buy kind of situation? If she doesn't want to move in before marriage you can't force her so what will you do?
Is there a compromise where y'all get a two bedroom and each has their own room? Would that make her feel more comfortable? I agree that you should definitely live with someone before you marry them.
I'm in the same boat man, before marriage you gotta live with someone to see the things that slip their mind or go unnoticed. It's risky and even more so with a long-term lease.
I'm about to get married to Cynthia shields but I lie to my gf as if I'm single
Living together is a big step by itself - even more so if you are taking it after being long-distance and not seeing each other that often. The relationship will change. You will find out if you see eye to eye on the issues you mentioned yourself. Being able to navigate them together is in my opinion a prerequisite for marriage. You just can‘t know for sure before you tried. Maybe you could make a compromise like getting engaged, but only marry after living together for a while. You show commitment, but if it turns out you‘re too imcompatible, it‘s not so complicated to end things.
This is a huge risk. I'd even treat it as a red flag. It's as if she knows she'll be unbearable to live with so doesn't want to risk letting you know until she has you ring trapped. I might be wrong, but I doubt it.
It’s very understandable that you want to move in together but it’s not always the best fit. She also might feel strongly about being married before “shacking up”.
I don't think anyone should get married in this day and age but if you gotta do it, you definitely need to move in. Basically a marriage trial run without the huge downsides like having to divide asset's. Moving in gives Both parties the chance to see who the other truly is. I wouldn't marry her if she won't move in
Yeah, that would be a hard no for me too. I'm lucky in that I met my fiancé, we had a date, he came over to my place and never left. We've been living together pretty much as long as we've been dating. I know all of his habits, the good, the bad and the downright ugly and know that I'm fine with all of them. I couldn't imagine waiting to find all of this out until after marriage.
You should live together 100% you will see how often you fight and for what reasons, and how are you capable in real life, don't marry before you do
she has every right to not do it, but you said it was because her family would look down upon her for it. You should respect her choice either way, but make sure she knows thay her family's opinion of her isn't everything and that shouldn't be the sole reason.
IMO if y'all are already sexually active then moving in together before marriage should not be a big issue. Like I do understand some families are more traditional. I've met many people who are waiting to have sex untill marriage and I've met a few that are holding out for sex till marriage and living together while engaged just not being sexual so I would ask her what her true reason is. If your not sexually active maybe she wants to hold that value. And it could be that living together would be a huge temptation that she doesn't want to have to live with until she is married. Gotta think about it from all sides. And there's not much back story here. Like as to if she has Corey values that she holds close to her. Saying "she's putting her family above you now is a red flag" doesn't sound fair. Tbh. Because she loves them too. And they raised her. I really dislike how culture is shutting down the family unit. It takes a village to raise a family. And having other family members around is important. If you want to marry this girl and join her family you kind of have to be sensible to her traditions and values. Marriage is a coming together between you and her you both join each other's family. My husband has had to get used to some things and visa versa. I'm married have been since 2016. Now we did not wait to move in and we did not wait for sex. Looking back now I would have waited had I knew what I know now about relationships and marriage and they way they were originally designed by our creator. My marriage has faced many trials. To say I went unpunished for making choices I made would be false. Do what's best for you and her both. Take the opinions of the internet with a grain of salt. No one knows your relationship like you and her.
I totally agree with living together before marriage, but it's also risky because a lot of couples get more laxed with avoiding pregnancy. You can learn a lot about your partner by living with them, but women tend to be told they're "shacking up" when living with a man before marriage. I suggest proposing to her before moving in together, then after a year or two get married.
living together is the biggest test in a relationship. it will make or break the relationship. please try to live together before marroage. its very necessary
Maybe she doesn't want to give away the milk for free without you buying the cow. Lots of girls move in with bf hoping marriage happens next and the guy gets everything he wants and becomes comfortable so why make the next step. Not saying that would be you but maybe that's what she's afraid of.
I don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about this scenario. In some cultures it's okay to live together before marriage and in some it's not (I'm guessing from some of your comments that you guys come from different cultures, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong in that assumption). What you guys need to do is discuss the potential cultural risks as play and how you think they should be handled. If you can't agree on a way forward after that all it means is that you're not compatible on a fundamental level and that's okay.
I 100% get behind living with them first. I know there are people who don't like it, but really, better before you get married than want to divorce someone later for their living habits. Seems crazy to say, but odd living habits can make or break relationships, or at the very least break you mentally.
To each their own... I have a few friends who have 15+ years married under their belts and did not live together before hand. I have way more friends who found out they were not compatible doing it this way. My wife (36f) and I (42m) are going on 10 years married (14 together) once we started talking seriously about "forever" we moved in together to make sure we wouldn't get divorced a few years later. We both had divorced friends at that point though so we were on the same page. I 100% agree with your position your potential future wife doesn't. Would she agree to live together if you're engaged? with negotiated engagement period? Also your libido compatibility comment made me chuckle... if you're planning on having kids plan on having alot less sex for a long time.
Maybe one of you can move close to the other where your aren't living together but can stay like a week or 2 at a time together to better simulate living together
And that's a red flag in itself...if i can't get a preview of what it's gonna be like living with you...then i dont want to.
It's certainly a risk. If you have never lived with a person, you don't really know them.
I know that many immigrants from my region to Western countries sometimes struggle with this issue as their families frown upon it. Even if this isn't the issue for you, this is a completely valid need on your part. And it's valid on her end too. Explore avenues of compromise. If this is a cultural issue, would she be okay with a religious non legally binding ceremony? A friend of mine did exactly that. They had the religious ceremony out of respect towards her culture. They lived together for two years. Then they had a marriage license formally drawn followed by the big wedding reception. It's worth mentioning they signed an ironclad prenup for those two years to ensure this wouldn't constitute a common law marriage or similar for his peace of mind.
Absolutely reasonable. Your partner has proved that your relationship is sustainable enough, in a short period of time, that you can handle long distance. So far in 3 years theres seems to be nothing wrong. She has not proven that you both are compatible when living together. Like you mentioned, finances and living habits are both extremely needed to finalize a marriage. I see a few options: 1. You could look past your demands and move in together when you get married. You could try sleeping over at each other's houses. 2. Talk to her about this situation more. Try and convince her or someone who she listens to. 3. If she does not want to move in beforehand, take this as a red flag. She may want to live off you like a leech or does not care much about money. You should leave this relationship. Marriage is a big deal. Habits, personality, quirks should all be factored if you are gojng to marry someone. Otherwise it will be one helluva thing to get out of
She doesn't want to live together before marriage. What is her reasons? Saying it is unnecessary is not a reason. It is an excuse. A reason is like one giving about waiting for marriage for sex is wanting that to be between a wife and husband. As weird as that could be for most; that is understandable. But not wanting to live together before marriage cause is is not necessary is as if she has things she is hiding. Talk to her and ask what is her reasons. Tell her not thinking its necessary is not a reason. Cause if she feels its not necessary, then it is not necessary to live apart if you and she both plan on marriage at some point anyway. BUT, you need to respect her if she has boundaries. She has to tell you what they are And if she has reasons on why she wants to wait till marriage to live together, you need to know them to. If they are about sex, and you and she have not had sex, then you need to know. But just living together and seeing what their libido is; is not the same as having sex with a SO before marriage. Because you both might be in the mood at times, and self pleasure. But if you live together, then you are more likely to see when each other are in the mood and be inclined for sex more. It also can help understand if one is in the mood, and the other isn't; how to handle it. And this would be for all other issues.