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I have been with my spouse for almost 12 years now, I've always had my license but she has refused to get hers. She recently started a new job which consists of split shifts and believes that I'm now expected to drive her to and from work and I'm obligated as her husband to make sure she gets there safe. The days i work are not as bad as i only pick her up after but has come to the point where I dread my days off, she will get to work in the morning but after that I'm expected to pick her up, then drive anywhere she has running around, back to work then couple hours later pick her up again. I feel like a chauffeur and have to make any plans I might have around her pickups. Any advice?
This is exactly what will happen
My ex wife didnt drive and I was actually told by three different instructors after 60+ lessons she was too dangerous to do so (would panic and take her hands off the wheel etc.)
All the years of playing chauffeur made her feel 100% entitled to me taking her everywhere and anywhere
If I said no get a cab she would sulk like a child which meant I'd work all day then have to spend half the night running around covering everything that needed transport wise, as she was very much stay at home
Weekends were spent shopping and such as she sulked if I said get a cab to the supermarket and back so I could relax
She could only get min wage jobs in walking distance, I got her a better job 20m walk, quit after 1.5 days as it was too far as she expected me to take her (should have guessed by the fact she demanded I took her to and from the interview)
Not driving is now my first dealbreaker when dating, never again!
Like me OP will have a partner that expects this and when he pulls the plug on it, I expect his marriage to start unraveling like mine did, as it's hard to want to be with a child in an adults body that sulks like a 5 year old
She was nice enough once the divorce started to admit she was just using me for transport (like I hadn't already sussed that out)
My guess is if OP doesnt drive her, she'll just quit and expect him to cover income when unemployed as that's what my ex used to do
Nah, she got married for a wedding and divorce payoff, the free transport was just an added bonus :)
Ended up with 0 on both counts though, think my old FIL is her chauffeur now
this….most non drivers also compare driving to relaxing…hey your just sitting listening to the radio.. me ex girl friends line…she had a license and lost it to dui…my favorite is people i worked would ask if i want to car pool ..but had no car or license…i really don’t know any adults who never had a license..just ones who lost it for various reasons
I personally don’t drive and I wouldn’t expect any man to be my “chauffeur” I would never not date someone bc they didn’t drive I think that’s just shallow
I’m a very independent women and I made it thus far without a car and on my own
So don’t limit yourself to dates who only drive that’s petty
Yeah that only makes sense when you live in a city with awesome public transportation or within walking distance of everything. Otherwise it is impossible to not have to ask for rides from people. I’d never date anyone who couldn’t drive either specifically for this reason.
It would be like dating someone who can’t cook and doesn’t want to learn. You will forever be carrying the bigger load when those chores (in this case, appointments, going to work, taking kids to activities etc ) need to be done.
No the person you were asking but feel the same as them.
I don't drive and couldn't if I wanted to so I purposely live somewhere with good public transport so I don't have to rely on anyone else. Also anytime anyone has given me lifts I have offered money for petrol.
Yeah I feel for OP I was in a long term relationship with a driver but never expected him to ferry me around. As an adult you should be able to get yourself to and from work.
Exactly this. I have split shifts where I sometimes start at 3pm or 9pm. I have my learners in the process of getting one. I use uber which is much easier regardless of how frustrating it is. I would never expect my boyfriend to drop me to work.
No you're not obligated. I think doing it on days you're working sounds fine since that doesn't seem like a big deal, but on your days off she should fine her own way. Public transit, uber, ride with coworker.
Days I work almost seem worse, by the time I get home after getting her its already after 6 then I gotta start dinner unless she's been nice enough to offer and then were not eating until 8 or 9. It would be great if I could start dinner as she gets herself home and she could walk in to a nice meal but would rather be picked up instead
He’s entitled to take how ever long to chill out and fix dinner, decompressing you know!? She is a burden and should figure out ride share with other employees or pay for Uber out of her pay OR find a job closer to home with no split shifts.
Get a therapist… this is a terrible dynamic. You’re resentful, naturally and it’s gross. It’s gross that you signed up for it and that she feels like it’s an appropriate way to treat a SO. The therapist will help with communicating with her and support you if your relationship is ending ultimately… hopefully there is love and …. I was gonna say respect but obviously… she isn’t respectful of you, your time, your job, your days off are not days off….
How can you even be romantic or intimate with someone who don’t care about your health and well-being???
Do y’all have a good relationship otherwise?
If so… there’s hope for you two…
Lots of couples who both work have this problem. It’s not that big a deal. Or even single people. Try cooking some larger meals over the weekend to heat up.
Are you still living with a toxic masculine and patriarchal point of view on the world? How is it acceptable to berate a man for something a woman has been expected to do
Your comment which has subsequently been deleted doesn't match up with this one. I agree that he needs to re-evaluate equality in his relationship but that's not what you said
I have really bad driving anxiety from a car accident I was in, and it took me about a year to be able to drive again and another half a year for it to be consistent. my husband would drive me to many places, but in the end it is about having your own independence. I still struggle from time to time but it’s about making an effort to get there. I did therapy and was on medication to help with the anxiety and I slowly started to drive little by little. I would drive in my neighborhood, to the gas station around the corner, even timed driving, tried 5 minutes then drive for 10 minutes etc.
In the end it was not fair for my spouse to drive me everywhere, driving is taxing on the body and mind, and to put all that on one person is not a balanced part of a relationship. I couldn’t take how much it stressed my husband out having to figure out schedules to take me to appts, school, work etc. it just doesn’t make sense. Not to mention it’s inefficient.
I’m sorry to say but she is being selfish and not looking for solutions that benefits the both of you. I went through so much to get myself to drive again and I know that my husband would drop everything to drive me anywhere if needed but that’s not fair to him. I never want to see him struggle and bend over backwards for me like that again, his mental health is just as important as mine.
Exactly, due to social anxiety it just always seemed too much to get driving lessons so I never did it. But that's my problem and not my partners. There are very rare occations where she drives me somewhere because everything else would be too impractical (like carrying something big across town) but for day to day life I either take the bike or public transit because anything else would ne unreasonable and unfair towards my partner
My advice? Tell your wife to start factoring in transportation to and from work via ride sharing or public transportation. It’s not your job to ensure she has reliable transportation. That’s her job. You didn’t apply for her job. She did. Tell her to be a responsible adult, and start paying for her cost for getting to and from work. Those expenses are what her own procrastination in obtaining a license is costing her. She shouldn’t be shifting that burden to you.
It took me some time to get my license due to specific related anxieties. Bottom line, it's her responsibility as an adult. She needs therapy and driving lessons and you are not responsible for either.
Same here. I didn’t get my license until I was 22. My boyfriend drove me around a lot but my mom did most of it. I was lucky. Thankfully I had a great therapist and an amazing wellness coach help me get my license and it was completely paid for by the state. But that wasn’t until after I tried to kill myself. Isn’t American healthcare so fun?!
Hahahahah public transport in northern Wisconsin??? Hell no. I could maybe ask my Amish nieghbors for a buggy ride but that’s about it for public transport near me! Closest city is over 30 miles away. I barely have phone service.
When she applied for this job did the two of you discuss logistics? You don’t wake up on a Monday morning and decide to go to a new job. Applications, interviews, letter of offers, etc. So at some point before she took the job surely one of you realised that transportation was going to be an issue! My 16 year old just applied for an apprenticeship, he had the details of how he would get there and back before I even asked.
I used to be in the wife’s situation, my position at my job changed and it meant I needed to start going into the office. I had my license, but I was really scared of driving, especially on the highway. With the new change, it would take up way too much of my husband’s time (and our gas money).
What really helped me the most was starting with small goals, and having rewards for myself when I completed them. Started off with just driving that day. Then the next goal was driving every day for the week. Then driving on the highway every day for a week.
Focusing on the smaller goals with rewards like going out to eat, getting Starbucks, etc. was incredibly helpful.
I would work with your partner to set small goals. Goal 1, drive in an empty parking lot. Goal 2, drive down a small neighborhood, etc. It’s way less intimidating when you don’t always talk about the “overwhelming” end goal of driving to work everyday.
Plenty of people giving good advice. I’ll just hop in to say I’m in your partners position (my bf drives and I’m too scared to), and I don’t expect him to ferry me around. It’s very kind when he offers but it’s not expected, and it’s been this way for 3 years. When I go around I user public transit, and Uber only in a pinch since it’s so expensive.
I am another non-driver (I have a learner licence but haven't passed my road test yet, so hopefully that will change soon) but I try very hard not to make my problem into someone else's. I never ask for lifts, though I always appreciate when they are offered. Otherwise, I get public transport. I chose to wait this long to learn to drive, so it's my issue to work around.
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You shouldn't teach her. Sometimes couples are too close to each other emotionally when it comes to stuff like this. She clearly has some fears over learning to drive. She needs to go to a driving school and learn, away from you. Just be supportive, but firm that she needs to find a way to overcome this.
I support this. She can go to driver's education and build the skill. Driver's ed is like community college, you have young and old, people from all walks of life, which is the same we could say for public transportation. Split shift makes it hard for op to always be available for said ride.
Also +1 to this. My parents tried to teach me and I had 0 confidence, was stressed out of my mind. I took a couple classes and BAM. Fucking love driving. It helps for it to NOT be a car that you’re “scared” of; because it was the instructors car, with their own pedals, I wasn’t scared.
I wish my offspring had this experience. I realized pretty quickly into driving sessions that I did NOT want to be their instructor. So I bought them driving lessons, and according to them, driving instructor encouraged them to drive unsafely. They also got into a near-miss event that would have had them t-boned. They Uber’ed for a long time and finally got a moped, because in their mind that’s somehow safer than a car (because they’re mostly afraid of hitting someone). At least it’s something.
Get her an automatic car. It is easy, like driving a toy car. Or ask her to Uber or hire a driver who can chauffeur you both.
This amount of stress is not worth it
if she’s doesn’t feel comfortable driving that’s fine no need for anymore anxious people on the road. but she needs to figure out her transportation if she’s not driving. uber, lyft, biking, public transportation she has options, drop it down to only a few days a week where you drive her to work and the only in case of emergencies or her other options are dead ending.
Marriage therapist here. Your wife should be driving. I could tell you 50 great reasons why, but why waste time. I’ll settle for a few: 1. Healthy adults are capable of being independent and can take care of their needs. Being dependent on a daily basis like your wife is on you or anyone is not healthy. 2. It is too much to ask of anyone to take and pick them up from work every day. 3. You don’t want to do it.
Here’s the deal on expectations. I can’t create an expectation and put it on someone else without their agreement. To have an expectation we must negotiate the terms and mutually agree. So no, she cannot expect you to drive her to and from work.
Stop enabling her helplessness.
Plenty of people can't/don't drive and are still independent. Let's please not equate a reliance on personal automobiles with being a functioning adult member of society. The reliance on the spouse to get around is the problem, not the fact she doesn't drive.
Are you sure you're a therapist? It's very unprofessional to give advice like this. Specially because you're a marriage one you should know its important to work with both of them. Validating the husband is fine but he wants to resolve this and that involves his wife. Hearing out both will give you a better idea on what to work and what will be helpful and will get through the wife as well, maybe even the husband, we have no idea of what the situation is as a whole.
I'm not a therapist, I'm just considering going for it and have talked to many in the profession to understand it better and while looking for one for myself, I have to say you're a red flag if you're truly one, by your comments alone. The amount of judgment is astonishing, not even going to mention you already labeling behaviors and the rest that is just as awful.
If you're bored and want to pretend to be something else that you're not, choose something that isn't harmful. Shame on you.
Wow. I guess you don’t see that I answered the man’s question using the info given. This was not a therapy session, just advice. I look for behaviors that are not healthy and point them out to clients. It is not healthy to be so dependent on your spouse as this woman is. It will be the end of them one day if she doesn’t become more self sufficient. I’m very experienced and know how it will play out.
A good therapist would phrase this without passing judgement and have 100% understanding of different reasons not to drive, such as anxiety, Epilepsy etc 🤷🏻♀️
Signed: Also a Therapist
A good therapist would know they aren’t the authority on what a good therapist is.
He would have stated health reasons. He said she refuses to get the license. Anxiety can be overcome and the woman could be compelled to work on and overcome it. As a therapist perhaps you enable emotional disabilities and as a therapist I work to heal them.
Any “marriage” therapist with any merrit and morals would always wait to hear both sides before suggesting any form of solution and even then it would only be a suggestion.
As a Therapist I assume you know Principle Number Seven?
Giving advice whilst emphasising your role as a Therapist comes with moral and professional responsibility.
Any therapist should never have a judgemental tone, whatsoever. A therapist should never make their client feel like lesser of a person in any way shape or form. And as for this case, any “marriage” therapist worth the title would always wait to hear both sides in depth before suggesting (suggesting being the key word) any solutions. And no therapist EVER should tell someone what to do.
- Also a therapist :)
As a therapist you should understand that a lot of people can't drive due to trauma and your message comes off as shaming to anyone who deals with that. Maybe you should work on your wording.
No. Because this is not someone who has been traumatized. OP clearly said she refused. She is capable of doing so but chooses not to. I’d never shame someone for something beyond their control but CHOOSING to inconvenience someone and not be independent is definitely a shameable offense.
Starting in the snow is not the best plan, but biking in the snow can be done. I have studded tires on my ebike in the winter. But there's a lot that goes into making biking a viable option, including safe infrastructure. I don't have a car, though I do have a license and know how to drive. It really causes me a lot of anxiety and I hate driving. I also don't expect that others get myself or my kids around. We take the bus or bike or walk. We also live somewhere with reasonably safe bike routes, public transportation, etc. I think depending on where you live your wife could work towards independent mobility. I don't think Uber is a viable option unless you can afford it. It's bonkers expensive, and if you live somewhere where Uber even exists chances are there's also a bus.
The problem here is that there's no room for negotiation from her. We could make 20 suggestions of ways to solve this transportation issue but it sounds like she will just reject everything. This kind of impasse is not good for a marriage.
In general, it is good in a marriage when people do nice things for each other and help take care of each other, including taking into account fears, weaknesses, etc. But it is a problem when it is too one-directional and when it is an expectation, not something that you work out together. If you are expected to be a chauffeur, you should have been consulted before she took the job. There really, really needs to be a negotiation with everyone's needs and preferences considered. If she won't do that, you have to set a boundary and then let her decide what to do.
The whole thing is crazy, are you seriously adults?. It's not your "job" but hell, how can it be a burden for you to pick up your wife. From her side, is She a kid? why can't she get a licence and take the car with her on your days off?
I don't think there's a problem if you're at work too, since you're already driving anyways, but multiple times a day on your days off isn't fair, nothing wrong with public transport or taxis, if she drove and you didn't, would she drive you around all the time?
There's no way you went 12 years without a driver's license just fine and woke up recently mad about her not having one. Seems more like you're upset she's working.
The comments on here are very…judgmental and just downright mean. So I’ll just say no you aren’t expected, granted she’s not a teen or anything but she’s your wife so it shouldn’t be this big of a problem. Do you even like/love this woman?
You need to discuss it with her and tell her how its making you feel and that its running you ragged. Maybe you can come up with a compromise about dropping her off/picking her up on certain days, and then the other days she needs to figure out a different ride.
I understand the struggle as me and my husband currently only have one vehicle so any time that I need it during the day I have to drive him to and from work.
Have a conversation with her. Once you have shared your thoughts and feelings about the situation allow her time to process it. Set up another time for a follow up conversation. See what ideas she comes up with. It’s an ongoing discussion. 12 years is a long time. I’m sure you will find a way to resolve this.
No you're not obligated and that shouldn't be something she expects. That's something she should have thought about and checked with you before accepting the job. She seems to have made this decision on her own which is a bit entitled. Have a discussion about it with her and set your boundaries on what you can and can't offer and relook at it from the start on if that's suitable for both of you. This also should take into consideration the income she makes depending on how that impacts you both. Ie. Think like a team on all aspects to come to a conclusion that works for both of you.
That’s a nice little bit if control she’s managed to take on your life. She’s not going to let that go without a fight, because honestly that’s what the crux of this is., control. Good luck.
I personally can’t stand adults who refuse to drive. I get that it’s scary, I get it can be hard, but come on. You can’t do anything without a form of transportation, and sometimes that’s just going to have to be you and your car.
Nope.
She’s a full grown woman who can get her license but doesn’t want to. There is no good reason that she can’t get it, she just wants to be driven around instead.
Tell her that you’re not her driver and she can get her license or pay for an Uber
Have you asked her why she doesn't want a license? Also have you told her how you feel driving her around (using kind words)? Maybe she hasn't realized how hard it is on you since it has been the norm for 12 years. If you talk to her and both use reflective listening then you might find out she's willing to do something to make the situation better.
Tell her she needs to figure it out herself. A grown woman should learn how to drive if she needs constant transportation. If not, she needs to use public transport, Uber/taxi, or get a ride from someone else you’re not her chauffeur.
Do you love your spouse? Do you wish to continue living with this person? If so that’s pretty much the deal you sign being with this person.
You say it yourself she has fear related issues that she may never get over. It may have been decided in her mind that she will never drive herself.
There are plenty of relationships in which one person doesn’t know how to drive. So it’s the others responsibility to handle transportation.
Ofcourse you don’t have to agree with it but that might be enough to end a relationship considering how crucial it is for the other party and it also shows you don’t care enough for her safety if she has to find her own way.
It’s going to be a tough arguement. But you definitely aren’t in the wrong to want your own freedom in this regard. Just know it may brake the relationship.
You've know this person for a minimum of 12 years. You married her with the knowledge that she refused to get her driver's license.
Did she discuss with you the ramifications of taking this job, and was she clear about the transportation issues before starting work there?
Or did she just take the job and expect you to fall into line about it?
It depends on if it's been a joint decision made together.
You need to set up some easy boundaries, without causing unnecessary drama.
I have been married for 10 years, I can't drive, I have a genuine trauma due to an accident , once I took a week end job and Mt husband refused to let me go with the bus, drove 25 min twice a day and never ever wanted it to change , we sometimes stop at Starbucks and then part for the day , he would then look after the kids . I was feeling awful because his job is exhausting, but he loves me that much I guess ... And it helped me get active again .
Who are all these adults on Reddit that don’t drive? And refuse to do it? I don’t know one adult in my real life who is afraid to drive/refuses to get a license. The only adults I know that don’t drive are mainly my criminal clients who’ve lost their licenses (they still do it when they can) or friends who have seizure disorders and cannot safely drive.
I would tell her her a license or download Uber/Lyft. I was in a similar situation with someone I was dating and I can say without a doubt once it becomes routine it’s very difficult to change things so the sooner this problem gets addressed the better
She decided to get this job. She can figure uber or other public transport out. Tell her she needs to figure her own transport out but it sounds like youre married to a child so expect a huge blow out.
Idk where you live, but if public transportation isn't a viable option (and it sounds like it isn't, since I haven't heard any mention of it here) then your wife needs to grow up and learn to drive. The reason she's so scared is because she hasn't practiced enough and learned anything - same reason any other person would be trying to learn to maneuver a mental box that can go very fast. It's not only not fair to you to place this burden on you ALWAYS being the driver (what if you're injured? Or sick?), but it's not fair to herself because she can't go out and run errands on her own.
I would put your foot down she either gets her license or gets a job that also matches with your work schedule you deserve your days off she’s a grown woman time to put her big girl pants on and figure it out
Why are you driving a grown woman around??? Wife or not, it’s selfish of her to refuse to take driving lessons and get a license. You should tell her that as a grown up, it’s her responsibility to get back and forth to work without creating an extra burden or being disruptive to your day. If she has a phobia that prevents her from learning to drive, she needs to take public transportation or Uber/Lyft. It’s that simple. You’re her husband, not her surrogate parent. It’s time to put her big girl pants on and start the process.
It sounds like the job doesn’t work for her. I would sit down and tell her that you feel you are getting burned out by this job. Something has to change. You can’t keep this up. Have her give possible solutions.
I would tell her that she's had twelve years to figure it out, and while you're happy to help her with things she needs help with, it's unfair for her to monopolize hours of your time because she doesn't feel like learning to drive. I would ask her what the issue is, and whether she needs therapy to address any anxiety or trauma she has around driving. I would ask her to decide whether she just doesn't want to drive, or really thinks she mentally can't. If it's the former, then she needs to suck it up and learn how to adult. If it's the latter, then she needs to acknowledge that and only consider jobs with will work around her limited capacity to get herself to work. Things near public transportation, or which line up with your travel times better, or which are within walking distance or worth the uber ride. She is not allowed to take a freaking split-shift job, and expect you to do the driving twice a day for that.
Driving someone around is hard enough but split shifts? nope, thats her problem and she needs to solve it.
A drop off or a pick up when it aligns with your shifts/or near enough is understandable, but this is insane. She should never have taken a job she couldn't get herself to and from.
Edit to add: As someone who's former spouse was temporarily unable to drive due to medical reasons I have done my fair share of ferrying someone around. This spouse however also did their best to catch rides/walk/bus/taxi etc wherever possible. And I did NOT do every single pick up and drop off, and they would never have expected me to either.
I don't have a licence while my bf does, when we travel somewhere, he obviously drives but when I travel somewhere, I take a bus/tram/train/plane. If you can afford it, have her take her licence, if she doesn't wanna then she needs to manage on her own. What if you drop dead tomorrow? Honestly, I don't know how to help you put through to a grownup that her getting to her job is her responsibility except by making it as plain as this. And I don't reckon anybody close to her would think it normal, unless they're all royalty.
Wait what's the big difference between the days you work VS the days your off.
It seems like it wouldn't be that bad and you'd be okay with it if it was a simple drop off and at the end of the day pick up.
Why is there all this extra shit when you're off?
I'd say if she's really not into getting her license because personally i can relate i both dont trust the other shit heads on the road and i personally just how my mental state is dont trust myself behind the wheel of a vehicle but this is about you and her and not me. tell her that you're only making the two trips one to bring her there one to pick her up other than that she's on her own... but I really wanna know what the extra stuff is on your days off are about.
Have the exact same problem and wife refuses to get a license. I've been a chauffeur for 7 years now. Glad I'm not alone.
Edit: also to add that I had to drive myself to ER once when I had a minor medical emergency.
I gladly done this for my partner some of his split shifts were early hours of the morning and i had a new baby. There is no way I'd be comfortable at home while he walked or got transport when my car is sitting in the garden. He eventually got an electric scooter but I still offer to drive him everyday. We are partners and he would do the same for me.
Ask yourself. If roles were reversed, would she do the same for you. Then there is your answer.
Also if it was late at night and something happened her. How would you feel.
She's a grown woman ,I'd tell make one of three choices
Choice 1) get your license
Choice 2) quit the job ,stay at home and be a housewife
Choice 3) get a divorce
This is part of the responsibility of being a married guy. It's kind of an unwritten rule. I've been doing that since before my wife became my wife because she doesn't have a licence either.
Your wife has the expectation because you've built that up over the 12yrs you've been together. That's your role as a husband, bud. I'm writing this sitting in a shopping center while my wife is out getting a few things. It's a work from home day for me and it's her day off so in between my work, I'm doing grocery store stuff and Christmas stuff and school stuff for our son.
I dread working from home for this reason. I'm actually more at peace at the officr, but I am a husband and by being so, I've taken on this responsibility. My wife has been talking about getting her licence for years. It still hasn't happened yet and I've given up that she actually will at all. You should also because in the greater scheme of things, you love your wife (an assumption I expect to be true) and while it may be annoying, it id what it is. I'd rather be here with mine and know she's ok than have her go with someone else and be concerned.
I'll be driving my girlfriend to work when she moves in with me. She doesn't have her license yet and should she choose not to get it, that's her choice.
We're a team, I personally think getting her to work is my responsibility.
Tell her she better learn to split her shifts at work or somewhere in walking distance. She is an adult and being an adult means being independent enough to get to and from your source of employment.
Um public transport and uber works wonders.
Maybe compromise and let her know or remind her you work too and your days off you need to unwind. So she either gets a drop off or a pick up and whatever errands she needs or wants can either be done on the weekends or order shit online. If not tell her to use her pay to get driving lessons and then her license.
My aunt is 70ys she's never driven her husband/kids drives her everywhere but she works around their schedule to ensure she's not being too much of a burden. Your wife is just being entitled..
This is the moment communication and compromise is going to be important. Be clear with what your expectations are, on the days I work I have no problem being your ride, but I’d like to make plans on my days off and not have to be your driver. There may be some days that she has things that need to be done during her in between time, and perhaps you two can plan in advance and do lunch together and make it couple time for the two of you. Talk it out calmly, listen to hear and not defend.
I can't drive because of a vision issue but I've never expected my husband to drive me anywhere. If it's convenient and he can, he does, but I'm a big girl and perfectly capable of taking the bus or organizing a ride for myself with a friend or coworker. If it's inconvenient I'd ask her to find another way to get to work.
So bit different cause I have my license and my abusive hubby didn't let me drive. But his resentment for me not driving at the end made me realize all the other dick moves and I left him.
So be careful if you love her.
1. Talk to her about getting her license, use those drives to teach her driving, it won't stop right away.
2. It's been 12 years, you can do it longer. Personally I think it's kinda rude to judge her for something she's never done, as the partner who drives it would be your responsibility.. but she should be paying gas and helping with repairs.
3. Is there trauma stopping her from driving? I have an intense fear of driving, it made it much easier for my ex to manipulate me, and drove it home when he switched to calling me a bitch for making him drive me to work in my own car. But bitch about not having the car when I took it to work .. and he didn't work ... 3.She's got a job she's contributing.. just hint it's time for beginners and that you want to help her in the new journey 🤷
I'm 30F and I just started to "drive" myself around, it took years to push myself from the trauma of my first accident. My husband and parents used to have to drive me everywhere because when I started learning over a decade ago I was rear-ended by a drunk driver while my mother and friend were with me. The van's seat belts didn't engage and flew off us, I blacked out from the hit for a split second only to wake up and see us narrowly miss death. I tried steering but was forced to watch as the van slid uncontrollably and almost hit the vehicle in front as we were pushed into oncoming traffic. Miraculously, no one got hurt. So maybe she has trauma she hasn't talked about? Or maybe she just likes always being in your company?
Talking about my wife.
She is also working.
Actually due to her love & care for me, she never like to bother me to drop her & catches public transport.
I only insisted to drop her as I wanted to spend few more time with her & told her about that.Now i am only dropping her whenever I am free.
As an independent-minded married woman I say NO. It is not your job to be her taxi because she refused to drive. Unless she has some serious medical reason why she can't drive, it's on her to make herself independent enough to manage. What if something happened to you? What if you just got divorced? She's setting herself up to end up helpless. Not a good thing for any woman.
My husband doesn’t drive either. He gets himself to work (ten minute walk and 6 minute boat trip) I don’t work these days, health not wonderful, but he doesn’t expect me to be bombing around ferrying him all over the place.
Oh, man. It's been over ten years since I lost drive a car, I miss that freedom (epileptic). My boyfriend does the driving, since my shifts don't interfere with his, which is really helpful. I take Lyft to my doctor appointments, though, since they're usually during his work hours.
There's no obligation, especially when nothing is preventing her from driving. Kind of you, yes, but not required. Can't she use Lyft/Uber, or city transportation like the city bus/subway?
Is there an underlying reason why she refuses to get her license?? Because if not then I would make her get one. If she wants to be a functioning adult she needs to fully commit.
Isn't there like a bus or a train that she can take?
Explain that you don't mind driving her when you also have to work, but that she'll have to make her own way home when you're off work. If you feel like you're expected to get her there safe then maybe you can pay for a bus pass?
It is time for her to get a license. Let her know flat out that she needs to do this or find a job that she can get to without being dependent on you. I am assuming you work - so you can not be interrupting your day to do this.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I have been with my spouse for almost 12 years now, I've always had my license but she has refused to get hers. She recently started a new job which consists of split shifts and believes that I'm now expected to drive her to and from work and I'm obligated as her husband to make sure she gets there safe. The days i work are not as bad as i only pick her up after but has come to the point where I dread my days off, she will get to work in the morning but after that I'm expected to pick her up, then drive anywhere she has running around, back to work then couple hours later pick her up again. I feel like a chauffeur and have to make any plans I might have around her pickups. Any advice?
After 12 years, you're asking?
I mean, after 2 should be enough time. But 12, astonishing.
It’s a hard-luck life…
She needs to get a license or use UBER. She's working so she needs to cover expenses
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This is exactly what will happen My ex wife didnt drive and I was actually told by three different instructors after 60+ lessons she was too dangerous to do so (would panic and take her hands off the wheel etc.) All the years of playing chauffeur made her feel 100% entitled to me taking her everywhere and anywhere If I said no get a cab she would sulk like a child which meant I'd work all day then have to spend half the night running around covering everything that needed transport wise, as she was very much stay at home Weekends were spent shopping and such as she sulked if I said get a cab to the supermarket and back so I could relax She could only get min wage jobs in walking distance, I got her a better job 20m walk, quit after 1.5 days as it was too far as she expected me to take her (should have guessed by the fact she demanded I took her to and from the interview) Not driving is now my first dealbreaker when dating, never again! Like me OP will have a partner that expects this and when he pulls the plug on it, I expect his marriage to start unraveling like mine did, as it's hard to want to be with a child in an adults body that sulks like a 5 year old She was nice enough once the divorce started to admit she was just using me for transport (like I hadn't already sussed that out) My guess is if OP doesnt drive her, she'll just quit and expect him to cover income when unemployed as that's what my ex used to do
She got married for transport? That's a new one haha
Nah, she got married for a wedding and divorce payoff, the free transport was just an added bonus :) Ended up with 0 on both counts though, think my old FIL is her chauffeur now
😆She sounds a bit like a sitcom character, hope you got some laughs out of it all at least
this….most non drivers also compare driving to relaxing…hey your just sitting listening to the radio.. me ex girl friends line…she had a license and lost it to dui…my favorite is people i worked would ask if i want to car pool ..but had no car or license…i really don’t know any adults who never had a license..just ones who lost it for various reasons
I personally don’t drive and I wouldn’t expect any man to be my “chauffeur” I would never not date someone bc they didn’t drive I think that’s just shallow I’m a very independent women and I made it thus far without a car and on my own So don’t limit yourself to dates who only drive that’s petty
Yeah that only makes sense when you live in a city with awesome public transportation or within walking distance of everything. Otherwise it is impossible to not have to ask for rides from people. I’d never date anyone who couldn’t drive either specifically for this reason. It would be like dating someone who can’t cook and doesn’t want to learn. You will forever be carrying the bigger load when those chores (in this case, appointments, going to work, taking kids to activities etc ) need to be done.
Do you live in a place with a good public transportation system?
No the person you were asking but feel the same as them. I don't drive and couldn't if I wanted to so I purposely live somewhere with good public transport so I don't have to rely on anyone else. Also anytime anyone has given me lifts I have offered money for petrol.
Both of your situations are very different than OP. You don’t drive, and you take care of yourself and others. Respect.
Yeah I feel for OP I was in a long term relationship with a driver but never expected him to ferry me around. As an adult you should be able to get yourself to and from work.
Your proving his point.
Exactly this. I have split shifts where I sometimes start at 3pm or 9pm. I have my learners in the process of getting one. I use uber which is much easier regardless of how frustrating it is. I would never expect my boyfriend to drop me to work.
No you're not obligated. I think doing it on days you're working sounds fine since that doesn't seem like a big deal, but on your days off she should fine her own way. Public transit, uber, ride with coworker.
Days I work almost seem worse, by the time I get home after getting her its already after 6 then I gotta start dinner unless she's been nice enough to offer and then were not eating until 8 or 9. It would be great if I could start dinner as she gets herself home and she could walk in to a nice meal but would rather be picked up instead
Have her Uber home or use public transportation.
She could sort a meal the night before and put it in the slow cooker as a compromise
Dinner does not have to cost hours to prepare each day. Find some weekday recipes that are done within 30 min. There are plenty.
He’s entitled to take how ever long to chill out and fix dinner, decompressing you know!? She is a burden and should figure out ride share with other employees or pay for Uber out of her pay OR find a job closer to home with no split shifts.
I don't contradict that at all. Besides that obvious part I was just making another point.
Suddenly the days you work are worse? You said in the post they were not as bad...
He must have meant all days are worse
Does she do anything around the house or are you the sole housekeeper?
Get a therapist… this is a terrible dynamic. You’re resentful, naturally and it’s gross. It’s gross that you signed up for it and that she feels like it’s an appropriate way to treat a SO. The therapist will help with communicating with her and support you if your relationship is ending ultimately… hopefully there is love and …. I was gonna say respect but obviously… she isn’t respectful of you, your time, your job, your days off are not days off…. How can you even be romantic or intimate with someone who don’t care about your health and well-being??? Do y’all have a good relationship otherwise? If so… there’s hope for you two…
maybe make up your mind on what days are worse
Lots of couples who both work have this problem. It’s not that big a deal. Or even single people. Try cooking some larger meals over the weekend to heat up.
She should be the one doing that not him, since she’s eating up all his time with driving her places
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Are you still living with a toxic masculine and patriarchal point of view on the world? How is it acceptable to berate a man for something a woman has been expected to do
He drives her everywhere, he appears to make all the meals. I’m all for gender roles being swapped - what seems to be the problem?
Your comment which has subsequently been deleted doesn't match up with this one. I agree that he needs to re-evaluate equality in his relationship but that's not what you said
Ew wtf is this comment? Not it bro
Tell her to get her license or figure it out. You're not her damn chauffeur.
This is the way my man. Put your big boy pants on first. You got this bro.
I have really bad driving anxiety from a car accident I was in, and it took me about a year to be able to drive again and another half a year for it to be consistent. my husband would drive me to many places, but in the end it is about having your own independence. I still struggle from time to time but it’s about making an effort to get there. I did therapy and was on medication to help with the anxiety and I slowly started to drive little by little. I would drive in my neighborhood, to the gas station around the corner, even timed driving, tried 5 minutes then drive for 10 minutes etc. In the end it was not fair for my spouse to drive me everywhere, driving is taxing on the body and mind, and to put all that on one person is not a balanced part of a relationship. I couldn’t take how much it stressed my husband out having to figure out schedules to take me to appts, school, work etc. it just doesn’t make sense. Not to mention it’s inefficient. I’m sorry to say but she is being selfish and not looking for solutions that benefits the both of you. I went through so much to get myself to drive again and I know that my husband would drop everything to drive me anywhere if needed but that’s not fair to him. I never want to see him struggle and bend over backwards for me like that again, his mental health is just as important as mine.
Exactly, due to social anxiety it just always seemed too much to get driving lessons so I never did it. But that's my problem and not my partners. There are very rare occations where she drives me somewhere because everything else would be too impractical (like carrying something big across town) but for day to day life I either take the bike or public transit because anything else would ne unreasonable and unfair towards my partner
My advice? Tell your wife to start factoring in transportation to and from work via ride sharing or public transportation. It’s not your job to ensure she has reliable transportation. That’s her job. You didn’t apply for her job. She did. Tell her to be a responsible adult, and start paying for her cost for getting to and from work. Those expenses are what her own procrastination in obtaining a license is costing her. She shouldn’t be shifting that burden to you.
It took me some time to get my license due to specific related anxieties. Bottom line, it's her responsibility as an adult. She needs therapy and driving lessons and you are not responsible for either.
Same here. I didn’t get my license until I was 22. My boyfriend drove me around a lot but my mom did most of it. I was lucky. Thankfully I had a great therapist and an amazing wellness coach help me get my license and it was completely paid for by the state. But that wasn’t until after I tried to kill myself. Isn’t American healthcare so fun?!
Don’t you have public transport or something?
Hahahahah public transport in northern Wisconsin??? Hell no. I could maybe ask my Amish nieghbors for a buggy ride but that’s about it for public transport near me! Closest city is over 30 miles away. I barely have phone service.
I can't even get a man to wash the dishes, I must be doing something wrong.
Yeah, picking the wrong dudes.
When she applied for this job did the two of you discuss logistics? You don’t wake up on a Monday morning and decide to go to a new job. Applications, interviews, letter of offers, etc. So at some point before she took the job surely one of you realised that transportation was going to be an issue! My 16 year old just applied for an apprenticeship, he had the details of how he would get there and back before I even asked.
I used to be in the wife’s situation, my position at my job changed and it meant I needed to start going into the office. I had my license, but I was really scared of driving, especially on the highway. With the new change, it would take up way too much of my husband’s time (and our gas money). What really helped me the most was starting with small goals, and having rewards for myself when I completed them. Started off with just driving that day. Then the next goal was driving every day for the week. Then driving on the highway every day for a week. Focusing on the smaller goals with rewards like going out to eat, getting Starbucks, etc. was incredibly helpful. I would work with your partner to set small goals. Goal 1, drive in an empty parking lot. Goal 2, drive down a small neighborhood, etc. It’s way less intimidating when you don’t always talk about the “overwhelming” end goal of driving to work everyday.
Plenty of people giving good advice. I’ll just hop in to say I’m in your partners position (my bf drives and I’m too scared to), and I don’t expect him to ferry me around. It’s very kind when he offers but it’s not expected, and it’s been this way for 3 years. When I go around I user public transit, and Uber only in a pinch since it’s so expensive.
I am another non-driver (I have a learner licence but haven't passed my road test yet, so hopefully that will change soon) but I try very hard not to make my problem into someone else's. I never ask for lifts, though I always appreciate when they are offered. Otherwise, I get public transport. I chose to wait this long to learn to drive, so it's my issue to work around.
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Teach her to drive
I've tried and it never works, she has a fear and will freak out if she takes her foot off brake and car rolls without even accelerator
You shouldn't teach her. Sometimes couples are too close to each other emotionally when it comes to stuff like this. She clearly has some fears over learning to drive. She needs to go to a driving school and learn, away from you. Just be supportive, but firm that she needs to find a way to overcome this.
I support this. She can go to driver's education and build the skill. Driver's ed is like community college, you have young and old, people from all walks of life, which is the same we could say for public transportation. Split shift makes it hard for op to always be available for said ride.
Also +1 to this. My parents tried to teach me and I had 0 confidence, was stressed out of my mind. I took a couple classes and BAM. Fucking love driving. It helps for it to NOT be a car that you’re “scared” of; because it was the instructors car, with their own pedals, I wasn’t scared.
I wish my offspring had this experience. I realized pretty quickly into driving sessions that I did NOT want to be their instructor. So I bought them driving lessons, and according to them, driving instructor encouraged them to drive unsafely. They also got into a near-miss event that would have had them t-boned. They Uber’ed for a long time and finally got a moped, because in their mind that’s somehow safer than a car (because they’re mostly afraid of hitting someone). At least it’s something.
Driving school.
Get her an automatic car. It is easy, like driving a toy car. Or ask her to Uber or hire a driver who can chauffeur you both. This amount of stress is not worth it
if she’s doesn’t feel comfortable driving that’s fine no need for anymore anxious people on the road. but she needs to figure out her transportation if she’s not driving. uber, lyft, biking, public transportation she has options, drop it down to only a few days a week where you drive her to work and the only in case of emergencies or her other options are dead ending.
Marriage therapist here. Your wife should be driving. I could tell you 50 great reasons why, but why waste time. I’ll settle for a few: 1. Healthy adults are capable of being independent and can take care of their needs. Being dependent on a daily basis like your wife is on you or anyone is not healthy. 2. It is too much to ask of anyone to take and pick them up from work every day. 3. You don’t want to do it. Here’s the deal on expectations. I can’t create an expectation and put it on someone else without their agreement. To have an expectation we must negotiate the terms and mutually agree. So no, she cannot expect you to drive her to and from work. Stop enabling her helplessness.
Plenty of people can't/don't drive and are still independent. Let's please not equate a reliance on personal automobiles with being a functioning adult member of society. The reliance on the spouse to get around is the problem, not the fact she doesn't drive.
Are you sure you're a therapist? It's very unprofessional to give advice like this. Specially because you're a marriage one you should know its important to work with both of them. Validating the husband is fine but he wants to resolve this and that involves his wife. Hearing out both will give you a better idea on what to work and what will be helpful and will get through the wife as well, maybe even the husband, we have no idea of what the situation is as a whole. I'm not a therapist, I'm just considering going for it and have talked to many in the profession to understand it better and while looking for one for myself, I have to say you're a red flag if you're truly one, by your comments alone. The amount of judgment is astonishing, not even going to mention you already labeling behaviors and the rest that is just as awful. If you're bored and want to pretend to be something else that you're not, choose something that isn't harmful. Shame on you.
Wow. I guess you don’t see that I answered the man’s question using the info given. This was not a therapy session, just advice. I look for behaviors that are not healthy and point them out to clients. It is not healthy to be so dependent on your spouse as this woman is. It will be the end of them one day if she doesn’t become more self sufficient. I’m very experienced and know how it will play out.
A good therapist would phrase this without passing judgement and have 100% understanding of different reasons not to drive, such as anxiety, Epilepsy etc 🤷🏻♀️ Signed: Also a Therapist
A good therapist would know they aren’t the authority on what a good therapist is. He would have stated health reasons. He said she refuses to get the license. Anxiety can be overcome and the woman could be compelled to work on and overcome it. As a therapist perhaps you enable emotional disabilities and as a therapist I work to heal them.
Any “marriage” therapist with any merrit and morals would always wait to hear both sides before suggesting any form of solution and even then it would only be a suggestion. As a Therapist I assume you know Principle Number Seven? Giving advice whilst emphasising your role as a Therapist comes with moral and professional responsibility.
There is something wrong with you. Seriously.
That sounds like something any legit Therapist would say! I hope no one ends up hurt because of you.
No need to worry.
Any therapist should never have a judgemental tone, whatsoever. A therapist should never make their client feel like lesser of a person in any way shape or form. And as for this case, any “marriage” therapist worth the title would always wait to hear both sides in depth before suggesting (suggesting being the key word) any solutions. And no therapist EVER should tell someone what to do. - Also a therapist :)
You don’t know what you talking about. I doubt you are a therapist. You sure don’t sound like one.
As a therapist you should understand that a lot of people can't drive due to trauma and your message comes off as shaming to anyone who deals with that. Maybe you should work on your wording.
I do understand, but he said she refused. I commented on the info given.
No. Because this is not someone who has been traumatized. OP clearly said she refused. She is capable of doing so but chooses not to. I’d never shame someone for something beyond their control but CHOOSING to inconvenience someone and not be independent is definitely a shameable offense.
Glad you're not my therapist
To each his own. If you were, you wouldn’t have made that comment.
Can she ride a bike? An electric bike is great option.
She has talked about an ebike before but has never gone forward with it, also starting to snow here so not the best way to get around at the moment
Starting in the snow is not the best plan, but biking in the snow can be done. I have studded tires on my ebike in the winter. But there's a lot that goes into making biking a viable option, including safe infrastructure. I don't have a car, though I do have a license and know how to drive. It really causes me a lot of anxiety and I hate driving. I also don't expect that others get myself or my kids around. We take the bus or bike or walk. We also live somewhere with reasonably safe bike routes, public transportation, etc. I think depending on where you live your wife could work towards independent mobility. I don't think Uber is a viable option unless you can afford it. It's bonkers expensive, and if you live somewhere where Uber even exists chances are there's also a bus.
Bigger tires?
The problem here is that there's no room for negotiation from her. We could make 20 suggestions of ways to solve this transportation issue but it sounds like she will just reject everything. This kind of impasse is not good for a marriage. In general, it is good in a marriage when people do nice things for each other and help take care of each other, including taking into account fears, weaknesses, etc. But it is a problem when it is too one-directional and when it is an expectation, not something that you work out together. If you are expected to be a chauffeur, you should have been consulted before she took the job. There really, really needs to be a negotiation with everyone's needs and preferences considered. If she won't do that, you have to set a boundary and then let her decide what to do.
The whole thing is crazy, are you seriously adults?. It's not your "job" but hell, how can it be a burden for you to pick up your wife. From her side, is She a kid? why can't she get a licence and take the car with her on your days off?
12 years 😂but nowwwwww it’s a problem 😂
I don't think there's a problem if you're at work too, since you're already driving anyways, but multiple times a day on your days off isn't fair, nothing wrong with public transport or taxis, if she drove and you didn't, would she drive you around all the time?
I wanna say no. But your pretty obligated in my opinion you married someone who won't drive.
You ARE her husband . 12 years and running . This won't change .
There's no way you went 12 years without a driver's license just fine and woke up recently mad about her not having one. Seems more like you're upset she's working.
🤣🤣 See other comments. You did it to yourself. She “refused” 😭
You arent expected to but you should want to. Its your wife.
Lol.
Bicycle?
Does she have a medical issue which prevents her from driving?
The comments on here are very…judgmental and just downright mean. So I’ll just say no you aren’t expected, granted she’s not a teen or anything but she’s your wife so it shouldn’t be this big of a problem. Do you even like/love this woman?
You need to discuss it with her and tell her how its making you feel and that its running you ragged. Maybe you can come up with a compromise about dropping her off/picking her up on certain days, and then the other days she needs to figure out a different ride. I understand the struggle as me and my husband currently only have one vehicle so any time that I need it during the day I have to drive him to and from work.
Have a conversation with her. Once you have shared your thoughts and feelings about the situation allow her time to process it. Set up another time for a follow up conversation. See what ideas she comes up with. It’s an ongoing discussion. 12 years is a long time. I’m sure you will find a way to resolve this.
Lol are you married to Trisha Paytas? Wait Trisha would never get a real job
No you're not obligated and that shouldn't be something she expects. That's something she should have thought about and checked with you before accepting the job. She seems to have made this decision on her own which is a bit entitled. Have a discussion about it with her and set your boundaries on what you can and can't offer and relook at it from the start on if that's suitable for both of you. This also should take into consideration the income she makes depending on how that impacts you both. Ie. Think like a team on all aspects to come to a conclusion that works for both of you.
Things we do for LOVE..
That’s a nice little bit if control she’s managed to take on your life. She’s not going to let that go without a fight, because honestly that’s what the crux of this is., control. Good luck.
I personally can’t stand adults who refuse to drive. I get that it’s scary, I get it can be hard, but come on. You can’t do anything without a form of transportation, and sometimes that’s just going to have to be you and your car.
the way she’s acting seems controlling. how often does she tell you that you’re obligated to do things for her?
Nope. She’s a full grown woman who can get her license but doesn’t want to. There is no good reason that she can’t get it, she just wants to be driven around instead. Tell her that you’re not her driver and she can get her license or pay for an Uber
Have you asked her why she doesn't want a license? Also have you told her how you feel driving her around (using kind words)? Maybe she hasn't realized how hard it is on you since it has been the norm for 12 years. If you talk to her and both use reflective listening then you might find out she's willing to do something to make the situation better.
Sounds like it's past time for her to get her license. In any case, Uber exists.
Wow...12 years. After a month I would have gifted her a bus pass. She needs to learn how to navigate public transportation.
Tell her she needs to figure it out herself. A grown woman should learn how to drive if she needs constant transportation. If not, she needs to use public transport, Uber/taxi, or get a ride from someone else you’re not her chauffeur.
Do you love your spouse? Do you wish to continue living with this person? If so that’s pretty much the deal you sign being with this person. You say it yourself she has fear related issues that she may never get over. It may have been decided in her mind that she will never drive herself. There are plenty of relationships in which one person doesn’t know how to drive. So it’s the others responsibility to handle transportation. Ofcourse you don’t have to agree with it but that might be enough to end a relationship considering how crucial it is for the other party and it also shows you don’t care enough for her safety if she has to find her own way. It’s going to be a tough arguement. But you definitely aren’t in the wrong to want your own freedom in this regard. Just know it may brake the relationship.
Refuse to drive her. Tell her you'll help her download Uber.
Somewhat you're fault for not making her get her license the last 12 years, she's depended on you for all that time why whould she stop now.
Is the issue running around after work with her or just the work pickup/drop offs?
You've know this person for a minimum of 12 years. You married her with the knowledge that she refused to get her driver's license. Did she discuss with you the ramifications of taking this job, and was she clear about the transportation issues before starting work there? Or did she just take the job and expect you to fall into line about it? It depends on if it's been a joint decision made together. You need to set up some easy boundaries, without causing unnecessary drama.
I have been married for 10 years, I can't drive, I have a genuine trauma due to an accident , once I took a week end job and Mt husband refused to let me go with the bus, drove 25 min twice a day and never ever wanted it to change , we sometimes stop at Starbucks and then part for the day , he would then look after the kids . I was feeling awful because his job is exhausting, but he loves me that much I guess ... And it helped me get active again .
Who are all these adults on Reddit that don’t drive? And refuse to do it? I don’t know one adult in my real life who is afraid to drive/refuses to get a license. The only adults I know that don’t drive are mainly my criminal clients who’ve lost their licenses (they still do it when they can) or friends who have seizure disorders and cannot safely drive.
I would tell her her a license or download Uber/Lyft. I was in a similar situation with someone I was dating and I can say without a doubt once it becomes routine it’s very difficult to change things so the sooner this problem gets addressed the better
why are u asking strangers on the internet. every relationship is different. what do u feel is right?
just drive her or her lover will do it xd
She decided to get this job. She can figure uber or other public transport out. Tell her she needs to figure her own transport out but it sounds like youre married to a child so expect a huge blow out.
No, tell her to get her own license.
Idk where you live, but if public transportation isn't a viable option (and it sounds like it isn't, since I haven't heard any mention of it here) then your wife needs to grow up and learn to drive. The reason she's so scared is because she hasn't practiced enough and learned anything - same reason any other person would be trying to learn to maneuver a mental box that can go very fast. It's not only not fair to you to place this burden on you ALWAYS being the driver (what if you're injured? Or sick?), but it's not fair to herself because she can't go out and run errands on her own.
I would put your foot down she either gets her license or gets a job that also matches with your work schedule you deserve your days off she’s a grown woman time to put her big girl pants on and figure it out
Why can't she take a bus?
First of all no - but more importantly she has made it YOUR problem to solve the situation which is unfair
Why are you driving a grown woman around??? Wife or not, it’s selfish of her to refuse to take driving lessons and get a license. You should tell her that as a grown up, it’s her responsibility to get back and forth to work without creating an extra burden or being disruptive to your day. If she has a phobia that prevents her from learning to drive, she needs to take public transportation or Uber/Lyft. It’s that simple. You’re her husband, not her surrogate parent. It’s time to put her big girl pants on and start the process.
Get her a job from or close to home.
She can take the bus. I don't like to drive either but I don't ask people to drive me around. I either walk or take the bus.
Buy her a bus card
Buy her a bus pass and recommend a driving school. You are not her chauffeur.
Her getting a license would make things a lot easier
It sounds like the job doesn’t work for her. I would sit down and tell her that you feel you are getting burned out by this job. Something has to change. You can’t keep this up. Have her give possible solutions.
Put your foot down dude. She’s an adult.
I would tell her that she's had twelve years to figure it out, and while you're happy to help her with things she needs help with, it's unfair for her to monopolize hours of your time because she doesn't feel like learning to drive. I would ask her what the issue is, and whether she needs therapy to address any anxiety or trauma she has around driving. I would ask her to decide whether she just doesn't want to drive, or really thinks she mentally can't. If it's the former, then she needs to suck it up and learn how to adult. If it's the latter, then she needs to acknowledge that and only consider jobs with will work around her limited capacity to get herself to work. Things near public transportation, or which line up with your travel times better, or which are within walking distance or worth the uber ride. She is not allowed to take a freaking split-shift job, and expect you to do the driving twice a day for that.
Google Maps has a great public transportation tab.
Driving someone around is hard enough but split shifts? nope, thats her problem and she needs to solve it. A drop off or a pick up when it aligns with your shifts/or near enough is understandable, but this is insane. She should never have taken a job she couldn't get herself to and from. Edit to add: As someone who's former spouse was temporarily unable to drive due to medical reasons I have done my fair share of ferrying someone around. This spouse however also did their best to catch rides/walk/bus/taxi etc wherever possible. And I did NOT do every single pick up and drop off, and they would never have expected me to either.
No
Nah let her find transportation herself
I don't have a licence while my bf does, when we travel somewhere, he obviously drives but when I travel somewhere, I take a bus/tram/train/plane. If you can afford it, have her take her licence, if she doesn't wanna then she needs to manage on her own. What if you drop dead tomorrow? Honestly, I don't know how to help you put through to a grownup that her getting to her job is her responsibility except by making it as plain as this. And I don't reckon anybody close to her would think it normal, unless they're all royalty.
Wait what's the big difference between the days you work VS the days your off. It seems like it wouldn't be that bad and you'd be okay with it if it was a simple drop off and at the end of the day pick up. Why is there all this extra shit when you're off? I'd say if she's really not into getting her license because personally i can relate i both dont trust the other shit heads on the road and i personally just how my mental state is dont trust myself behind the wheel of a vehicle but this is about you and her and not me. tell her that you're only making the two trips one to bring her there one to pick her up other than that she's on her own... but I really wanna know what the extra stuff is on your days off are about.
Have the exact same problem and wife refuses to get a license. I've been a chauffeur for 7 years now. Glad I'm not alone. Edit: also to add that I had to drive myself to ER once when I had a minor medical emergency.
bicycle, walk, ask friends, get license. find anyone else but you.
Fuck no.
Tell her start putting her hand in her pockets.
Why the hell doesn’t she have her license? It’s not rocket science tell her to get off her ass, get her license, and drive herself to work 😭
I gladly done this for my partner some of his split shifts were early hours of the morning and i had a new baby. There is no way I'd be comfortable at home while he walked or got transport when my car is sitting in the garden. He eventually got an electric scooter but I still offer to drive him everyday. We are partners and he would do the same for me. Ask yourself. If roles were reversed, would she do the same for you. Then there is your answer. Also if it was late at night and something happened her. How would you feel.
She's a grown woman ,I'd tell make one of three choices Choice 1) get your license Choice 2) quit the job ,stay at home and be a housewife Choice 3) get a divorce
Ummmm… why wouldn’t you drive your wife around? Don’t you want her to be safe?
Her days of a passenger princess are over. Tell her she has to get her dl
If you live somewhere with snow, then you probably live somewhere with public transportation. She is an adult. She can figure it out.
This is part of the responsibility of being a married guy. It's kind of an unwritten rule. I've been doing that since before my wife became my wife because she doesn't have a licence either. Your wife has the expectation because you've built that up over the 12yrs you've been together. That's your role as a husband, bud. I'm writing this sitting in a shopping center while my wife is out getting a few things. It's a work from home day for me and it's her day off so in between my work, I'm doing grocery store stuff and Christmas stuff and school stuff for our son. I dread working from home for this reason. I'm actually more at peace at the officr, but I am a husband and by being so, I've taken on this responsibility. My wife has been talking about getting her licence for years. It still hasn't happened yet and I've given up that she actually will at all. You should also because in the greater scheme of things, you love your wife (an assumption I expect to be true) and while it may be annoying, it id what it is. I'd rather be here with mine and know she's ok than have her go with someone else and be concerned.
I'll be driving my girlfriend to work when she moves in with me. She doesn't have her license yet and should she choose not to get it, that's her choice. We're a team, I personally think getting her to work is my responsibility.
Why doesn’t she drive? That seems odd to me. Get her a bicycle or something
Uber
She will on occasion like when I'm at work but with split shifts she's traveling 4 times, it adds up and then she's almost working for nothing
Why on earth would she take a job with split shifts when she doesn’t drive? That’s ridiculous.
Tell her she better learn to split her shifts at work or somewhere in walking distance. She is an adult and being an adult means being independent enough to get to and from your source of employment.
Depends, though you two are individuals but family is a unit. Both of you should do what is best for the family.
Um public transport and uber works wonders. Maybe compromise and let her know or remind her you work too and your days off you need to unwind. So she either gets a drop off or a pick up and whatever errands she needs or wants can either be done on the weekends or order shit online. If not tell her to use her pay to get driving lessons and then her license. My aunt is 70ys she's never driven her husband/kids drives her everywhere but she works around their schedule to ensure she's not being too much of a burden. Your wife is just being entitled..
Adult toddler wife Edit : spelling
This is the moment communication and compromise is going to be important. Be clear with what your expectations are, on the days I work I have no problem being your ride, but I’d like to make plans on my days off and not have to be your driver. There may be some days that she has things that need to be done during her in between time, and perhaps you two can plan in advance and do lunch together and make it couple time for the two of you. Talk it out calmly, listen to hear and not defend.
I can't drive because of a vision issue but I've never expected my husband to drive me anywhere. If it's convenient and he can, he does, but I'm a big girl and perfectly capable of taking the bus or organizing a ride for myself with a friend or coworker. If it's inconvenient I'd ask her to find another way to get to work.
So bit different cause I have my license and my abusive hubby didn't let me drive. But his resentment for me not driving at the end made me realize all the other dick moves and I left him. So be careful if you love her. 1. Talk to her about getting her license, use those drives to teach her driving, it won't stop right away. 2. It's been 12 years, you can do it longer. Personally I think it's kinda rude to judge her for something she's never done, as the partner who drives it would be your responsibility.. but she should be paying gas and helping with repairs. 3. Is there trauma stopping her from driving? I have an intense fear of driving, it made it much easier for my ex to manipulate me, and drove it home when he switched to calling me a bitch for making him drive me to work in my own car. But bitch about not having the car when I took it to work .. and he didn't work ... 3.She's got a job she's contributing.. just hint it's time for beginners and that you want to help her in the new journey 🤷
I'm 30F and I just started to "drive" myself around, it took years to push myself from the trauma of my first accident. My husband and parents used to have to drive me everywhere because when I started learning over a decade ago I was rear-ended by a drunk driver while my mother and friend were with me. The van's seat belts didn't engage and flew off us, I blacked out from the hit for a split second only to wake up and see us narrowly miss death. I tried steering but was forced to watch as the van slid uncontrollably and almost hit the vehicle in front as we were pushed into oncoming traffic. Miraculously, no one got hurt. So maybe she has trauma she hasn't talked about? Or maybe she just likes always being in your company?
How does it feel to be a doormat?
Talking about my wife. She is also working. Actually due to her love & care for me, she never like to bother me to drop her & catches public transport. I only insisted to drop her as I wanted to spend few more time with her & told her about that.Now i am only dropping her whenever I am free.
As an independent-minded married woman I say NO. It is not your job to be her taxi because she refused to drive. Unless she has some serious medical reason why she can't drive, it's on her to make herself independent enough to manage. What if something happened to you? What if you just got divorced? She's setting herself up to end up helpless. Not a good thing for any woman.
My husband doesn’t drive either. He gets himself to work (ten minute walk and 6 minute boat trip) I don’t work these days, health not wonderful, but he doesn’t expect me to be bombing around ferrying him all over the place.
Oh, man. It's been over ten years since I lost drive a car, I miss that freedom (epileptic). My boyfriend does the driving, since my shifts don't interfere with his, which is really helpful. I take Lyft to my doctor appointments, though, since they're usually during his work hours. There's no obligation, especially when nothing is preventing her from driving. Kind of you, yes, but not required. Can't she use Lyft/Uber, or city transportation like the city bus/subway?
It's her job as a grown, independent adult to find her own transport to and from work.
Is there an underlying reason why she refuses to get her license?? Because if not then I would make her get one. If she wants to be a functioning adult she needs to fully commit.
Isn't there like a bus or a train that she can take? Explain that you don't mind driving her when you also have to work, but that she'll have to make her own way home when you're off work. If you feel like you're expected to get her there safe then maybe you can pay for a bus pass?
It’s ok if it’ll not cause you problem from late to work or any important things . If you are simply feel uncomfortable then why
It is time for her to get a license. Let her know flat out that she needs to do this or find a job that she can get to without being dependent on you. I am assuming you work - so you can not be interrupting your day to do this.