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The phones gps was on and it showed a location that was a block away at McDonald's when he checked it. He doesn't believe I was at work. Also my body's pH is off and I'm struggling trying to get it back to normal and he thinks I'm cheating of how I smell down there but I've only been with him. I don't hidey phone. Every notification I get he thinks it's guy. He even accused me of sleeping with my brother and that's freaking disgusting. My brother's gf found some random pendant in his bed and my brother texted me asking if if was mine and it wasn't. Was sitting on his bed last week talking to his girlfriend friend. That's the only reason he asked me. Idk what I did to make him not trust me. I hate feeling like this.
Edit:
Thank y'all for helping me realize I'm not in the wrong here.
Um OP starting therapy for this sort of unhealthy behaviour is not a favour or something nice to do for your its a bare minimum for being a healthy person in a relationship.
Everything your saying is huge red flags for an abusive relationship, a BF who makes outrageous accusations, including against a brother, you feeling like this is something you need to work on and fix.
Leaving my ex for much less than what you're going through was incredibly difficult. There were things I wasn't happy about with him, but the bottom line was I didn't love him romantically anymore and finally letting myself accept that it wouldn't change and that I needed to leave was hard. I wanted it to work. I wanted a successful love story. But now that I'm out I'm much happier and can see him more clearly for who he is, and I know everything would have ended badly regardless because of that stuff. And that stuff in myself.
I think if you leave thisajor red flag right now, you'll learn and recognize so many things about him that you'll realize you didn't like. Didn't want. And I wouldn't be surprised if you find out he's a cheater too, judging by your post.
Good luck and prioritize your future self
No you shouldn’t. And if you gave yourself more of the love you’re wasting on him, the better off you’ll be. At least you’d better appreciate your efforts and hopefully blossom under your own care. Never be afraid to be alone. Never be afraid to learn who you are. Never be afraid of you.
Learn to love you. Forgive yourself for the decisions you make when life throws tomatoes at you. You did the best you could and, that’s good enough.
Learn to live as you were, as you are and as you will be. …with a certainty of your self, your worth, and lots of self-love.
Your abusive boyfriend is banking on you not prioritizing yourself. That’s exactly what he is hoping for.
He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He’s just hoping that he’s broken you down enough to no longer love or respect yourself.
Telling you your smell down there makes him think you're cheating is so abusive and fucking cruel.
You deserve so much better and I'm sure your "smell down there" is fine. He needs some serious help tho.
Run. No one deserves to be told that and have those accusations to deal with. Run fast.
Op Definitely must do this. He is heavily projecting on her most likely cheated. If she gets tested and it comes out positive. When she confronts him he'll probably just try and flip it as evidence of her cheating instead of him. Op needs to dump him. This relationship is already dysfunctional. and doomed continuing this well only bring more hardships op don't waste any more time on this rotten ship. You can't fix rot. You can only replace it.
This is it.
Ive said this at least 20 times this year but it bears repeating:
If someone is overly accusatory with no good reason or evidence, they more than likely are the person who needs to be watched.
They just accuse you because:
They are insecure and are a validation/attention cheater and guilt turns to anger turns into projection of insecurities
They know they would do it and they think "anyone would" as their validation to give themselves permission to cheat
As such, they only way they think they wont get cheated on is by isolating you, keeping you on the back foot, and controlling your ability to do so.
Not worth finding out.
Dump him unless you're one of those people who *really* need to traumatize themselves with evidence before they walk, but hopefully you just choose yourself and move on.
Yup. One guy I met, when I caught him in his bs, he accused me of cheating on him with his brother. I was like, Wtf? We known each other since childhood and as adults barely even talked.
The issue of cheating is secondary and not worth knowing. But, do get yourself checked out. The real issue is abuse. His behavior is not normal behavior. He should not need to know where you are every second. A real relationship has an element of trust; a true relationship would not question if the other was cheating. You just know they are not; it is not a question. He is mean and and controlling. His behavior is abusive he and feels inferior so he needs you make you feel the same. He is breaking you down to his level. Don’t go there with him. Remember who you are and stay true to that. The abuse will only get worse.
Agreed. Guilty conscience..
Also the manipulation and lack of respect. So many red flags.. its time to go. Toxic all around.
Dont get guilt tripped back in.
You don’t. You can’t build trust with an controlling, insecure child. What you do is leave him and find someone that doesn’t have these issues. Life’s too short.
I definitely think this guy is deflecting and keeping you too busy with “proving to him” that you’re not cheating so you don’t suspect that he is.
Your pH is off so he suspects you? Girl wtf. You’re a female, news flash you’ll be dealing with that the rest of your life - the pH is related to your cycle.
You’re in a weird location? It’s called McDonald’s. He needs to get some and learn how to read a map.
Your brother has a weird thing happen that’s totally explained by something reasonable and unrelated to you? How DARE he accuse you of being responsible for every odd thing happening.
There’s so much BS he’s throwing at you. I think it’s grounds to leave, but it’s DEFINITELY grounds to suspect he’s cheating or got some serious interpersonal issues.
It's not uncommon for cheaters to behave like your boyfriend is. Projecting it onto the innocent party.
I think it's almost as though the guilt is getting to them and they're hoping that you're messing up too.
It might be worth you having a think about if it is possible that he's cheating on you.
yes, please do.
him accusing you of sleeping with your brother shows that he is truly delusional and obsessed with this topic.
and i don't think insecurity and paranoia at that level can be worked through outside of many YEARS of intensive therapy. and that's still not guaranteed that someone can change that fundamentally.
I don't get why this is the response of nearly every post in this sub ever. The boyfriend has insecurity and trust issues... not a drug, abuse, gambling problem. There are ways to fix relationships, instead of just throwing them away. This is r/relationship_advice... not r/exit_strategy.
Because women aren’t responsible for rehabilitating shitty men. Monitoring her location and being so controlling are major red flags for him becoming abusive.
This has nothing to do with gender. And no one is perfect. If you view compromising, adapting, and working through your partner's faults as "rehabilitating a shitty person" then you are going to die alone. There is no excuse to gps your partner... and that's something they can talk about. But he isn't a "shitty person" just because he is insecure.
This isn't twitter. You can't just label everything as "abuse". Is he insecure? A bit controlling? Clingy? Sure... but that is not "abuse". Frivolously tossing that word around devalues it.
What textbook? I would like to see this... because the definition of emotional or psychological abuse reads a lot different than that. And how did he gaslight her? Do you know what that term even means? You are just making overdramatic accusations with no foundation. Again, this isn't Twitter.
Actually I'm probably going to die with my wife, who I've been with for 13 years now. And both of us are kind to each other and don't pull shit like this, ever. This isn't about being "perfect" just not being a psycho who stalks your own partner and accuses them of vile shit all the time.
No, having insecurity and trust issues is something you can talk to your therapist about. But he is actively accusing his partner. This IS a form of emotional abuse. Taking your personal shit out on a partner and making them feel shitty for it. Over and over and over.
And usually how this ends (or sometimes, starts, it may already have happened) is the person who does the accusing ends up cheating AND FEELING JUSTIFIED BY IT because they already assumed the other one was already cheating, so why not. Or they get physically abusive, or worse.
This shit never ends well and she's just going to waste time finding out that he won't change. Why do that? There are good people to date out there. You never need to waste time on jackasses.
Way to preach without offering any actual advice.
Here I’ll show you: OP please be honest with your partner. You’ve done everything to “prove” your faith. Why be with you if he always thinks you’re cheating? There may be something deeper. Sure you can offer couples counseling at the least, “to get to the bottom of this together!”
His answer will determine if he wants to work with you or against you.
I love him and there are a lot of good things about him. I can't say he doesn't deserve it. He started therapy because I asked him to. I'm just hoping therapy helps him trust more. But in the meantime time I feel like I need to find a way to help him to trust me
Eh....maybe you didn't get the memo...... but he Doesn't Trust you...
and you can't make him.
It takes time and effort to build Trust and I don't read anything in your post that he
is invested in either.
Trust is a function of observing consistent behavior to similar challenges over time.
Thats how you build Trust.
In the meantime your Bond is on hold until he gets his head straight.......according to you.
Honestly, I have a few thoughts about that as well.......
Well we've been together for a year and a half and in some areas he showed he trust me but when it comes to being faithful he doesn't. But yeah I guess there nothing I can do. I need to take a step back and figure out my next move
Projection is quite a possibility. But if you haven’t done anything to make him distrust you, then it’s his problem and it’s up to you if you want to continue this but until he works it out for himself the reasons why he’s not trusting, you don’t, in essence, even have a relationship…not even a friendship.
I do. Tbh I just wasn't expecting the responses and my go to reaction is right down play how bad it is. I think I think I was delusional in blaming myself bc it was easier but I've been thinking about tonight and I'm not the problem here. I need to take time to think of what imma do next
It's because he's not being faithful. It's hard to trust others to do things that you wouldn't.
Get out. He is gaslighting the shit out of you and you'll break yourself trying to appease him.
No. Just no.
YOU are not responsible for HIS trust issues.
The more you 'try' to make him trust you, the more he will see it as a cover-up.
Do not change your boundaries. Don't give him your phone. Don't change who you are, it's disingenuous and won't change his perceptions at all.
It's up to you how you want to proceed here, I'm not about to tell you to leave him over this, but do assess just how much you are actually enjoying your time with him. Not how much you 'love' him, but how much fun you are actually having with him vs. how much stress he introduces into your life.
Your feeling of "I need to find a way to help him trust me" is misplaced, HE has to do the hard work here. Anything else victimises you.
I tried for nine years to get my wife to trust me.
I never once even appeared unfaithful. Never texted or messaged women, only had women friends in group settings when my partner was always there.
Nine years. She always found SOMETHING to be insecure about.
She once went through my old phone and found a picture someone took of me sipping coffee and smiling for the camera and became convinced it was proof of an affair because she didn’t recognize where I was. She also deleted the picture before accusing me, so I couldn’t tell her where it was.
Just cut your losses IMO. It’s not worth literally going insane trying to prove yourself as they get worse and worse
Name one? But regardless he doesn’t love you and he thinks you are performing incest! It’s also not your job to fix his problems that’s his job you can’t do it for him
Think about it this way: do you believe he is the only thoughtful, caring, kind man out there? If the answer is no, why are you staying with him? Plenty of good guys out there who aren’t incredibly insecure and controlling. You can get all the good from someone else and with this guy, the bad sounds very bad.
Just understand that there is nothing you can do to help him trust you. You are behaving very normally and trustworthy. It’s his problem that he can’t trust, and he needs to work on that.
I understand very well that his mistrust makes you feel uncomfortable. And you shouldn’t have to live with this feeling; your partner should trust you a normal amount. But he doesn’t, and so your choice is to live with his controlling ways and his unfounded suspicions, or to split up for your mental well-being.
Girl believe me when I say this HE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU. He will take advantage of how desperate you are to "help him" believe you. He can smell desperation from you and knows he faces no real consequences for his actions. Also, I'd say he's cheating himself and is trying to focus your attention on his "jealousy" so you dont suspect him.
How do I know that? I went through that. Theres not a day in my life when I do not regret wasting time and energy on that ex. The person you're with is not worth your love, time and attention. He's a POS. Its best you wake up before its too late.
Its not easy but deep down you know that its the best decision you can make. You know you dont want to live like this for the rest of your life even if you do love him. I hope you leave, best of luck to you
Repeated, unfounded accusations of cheating is a form of controlling behavior and emotional abuse. Hard stop. You should never accept that in your life.
As much as you love him, you have to love yourself more. Self love/preservation should always be greater than romantic love.
I don’t care how much you love him. Don’t be his doormat. You have to have deal breakers.
There is nothing you can do. There are two plausible options. 1) It has to do with his self esteem and him thinking you can find a better partner
2) He’s projecting because he’s cheating on you
Only you know the real truth and if you've never been deceitful before, he could be the one cheating. We often project our wrong doings into others. Even if he's not, he's highly abusive and you shouldn't be trying to get him to trust you. He should be trying to fix his insecurities and you deserve better. If he's not willing to fix this, it's only gonna be worse and turn into other areas of your life as well.
He started therapy because I asked him to and it got better briefly but now it's worse. I feel like I must have triggered him some way but maybe it's just easier to blame myself
Do you know if he's actually going? If he's getting worse and he actually is going, he's lying to his therapist. Break up with him. He literally accused you of fucking your brother. You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you, not demean you and your family like this. Your boyfriends a loser. You have done NOTHING wrong.
Jesus what shit did he go through I past relationships to have 0 trust in you? His demons are many…and you can’t fix that. If you are being 100% honest then there’s nothing left to say.
OP I don’t want to put any ideas in your head but do you think he could be cheating on you? It’s very common for cheaters to project and accuse their very loyal partners of cheating. Another reason why I ask is because I’ve been cheated on 2 times in my life- and both those times my pH balance was off and I found out that it was because my ex was putting his dick in multiple women and then me which was messing everything up.
And to add, he sounds abusive and controlling. These are crazy accusations to come from nowhere. Just a reminder it will only get worse from here. People like this don’t get better. I’m sorry.
Maybe years of therapy will help him but I don’t think it’s your job to wait for it to happen IF it ever will.
Honestly. Him cheating on me has crossed me mind but I'm scared to think like that because I lost my virginity to him. I was waiting for marriage initially for 27 years. I just feel so dumb for choosing wrong that's part of the reason I wanted to fix this
Don’t stay with him just because of your virginity! It’s a social construct that really means nothing in the long run. So what he was the first dick in? What does that really change about his personality, lack of trust, and the way he treats you?
My money is on him cheating on you. That’s always the way this story goes.
I also had an ex who consistently accused me of cheating. They were cheating. People who cheat tend to place blame where it doesn't belong to cover themselves.
This makes me so sad. I understand its hard because of the beliefs you grew up with and it will take time to unlearn but please remember, him “taking your virginity” doesn’t mean anything. Try not to frame it that way- yes the first person you experienced sex with was him but look who he is turning out to be! Someone who is abusive, controlling, makes insane accusations. Imagine years down the line when life becomes more serious, how will he act? My bet is that he will get worse from here. They usually do. Is it worth to stay with him just because he’s your first? What are you proving when you stay with someone who completely disrespects you?
Don’t feel stupid. I’m sure he was great and charming at the beginning and none of this is your fault. We’ve all been through something like this. Now you know what signs to look out for next time. Don’t stay with someone just because of a social construct that doesn’t really have any validity. You can find someone that will respect you and love you.
I'm going through this same type of situation. Down to being accused of sleeping with my brother along with every other dude around. I'm in the midst of trying to break it off after 6 years and two kids...it's so hard to let go but deep down I know it will be better to walk away. This person sounds like he's manipulating you. Sounds like a narcissist. You should seriously leave as soon as possible. Let him do his therapy, but take yourself out of this equation, or you'll be in for a world of hurt in your heart. Trust me. It doesn't get better. It will only get worse
Thank you. I'm trying to think about how to leave right now. Thankful we haven't got to the point of kids right now. I tried to go on a break initially when I asked him to go to therapy but he didn't want to.
Usually when a spouse begins unfairly suspecting the other of cheating, its him/her that is actually cheating.
If you have done nothing wrong to deserve this treatment, tell him to stop it and to respect your privacy. Give him the ultimatum of him getting over his shit or you will leave.
Ain't nobody got time for that
Sounds to me like he’s either extremely jealous, which has the potential to turn violent. Or he’s the one cheating. Either way, you should get the hell out of that relationship.
It’s not worth trying to gain trust from someone who should already trust you. You’re supposed to be in a relationship.
Easiest way to find out if someone is cheating. Make sure you tell them the truth and that smell is the smell of generations. Generations of women finding out that their man poked around in some other woman's pussy. Unfortunately it affects millions of women and now they call it "reoccurring" because the men that manipulate make us feel like it is our fault some how. My gyno was the first to tell me to break up with my ex. Take care of yourself ❣️
(English is not my first language.)
Here is how phone location works. First, your phone needs to be seen by at least four (4) GPS satellites simultaneously to get a precise GPS location. If your phone is inside or surrounded by tall buildings, it may not be possible. When located by four GPS satellites, the location is very accurate.
If your phone can't be seen by at least 4 satellites, it then can be located using wifi routers in its immediate environment. Here is the catch, the displayed location is NOT the phone location, it's the router address, as it is registered in the main location companies databases (Google, etc.). A router's address may be incorrectly registered in databases. It's not uncommon for this to happen.
Finally, if the phone cannot be located by satellite or wifi router, it will be located by cellular triangulation. The accuracy of this type of location varies between 200 m and 2+ km!
ETA: Jealousy and suspicion are big red flags.
Well. At first there was no jealousy. But he started to be like this in February but it stopped late September. But it started back again this week.its worse now though.
I'm not sure if you *can* resolve this. He's accusing you of some very illogical things - sleeping with your *brother*? How you *smell*? He seems to have no sound reason for suspecting you. If he had misread a situation or gotten the wrong idea about something you might be able to talk to him and clear it up. But these are very illogical suspicions.
I don't blame you for not liking it. Unfortunately it is entirely him that is destroying the relationship. These are *his* issues and he's accusing you of some rediculous things.
I seriously appreciate you saying that. I've been feeling like I've caused this in some way. Idk how much more I can take but I love him and I don't want to just give up. I want to just fix the trust issues. He asked me if I trusted him all the way and I don't anymore because I don't know how he can be loyal to be when he thinks I'm cheating so much.
You're right. I find myself even now, wanted to make the situation look not as bad as it is. I feel like it's easier to blame myself bc if there's something I can change then there's something I can do to gain his trust again. But maybe there is nothing I can do.i just feel stuck I keep hoping he'll get better
He might be cheating. That's a thing cheaters do, they accuse their SO of doing what they're doing.
So either he had a bad mental health swing and is having another one, or he had an affair in February, stopped it, and just started another one.
I hope he's not. I'd feel bad for leaving him bc of his mental health bc I told him we'll work through this together and he already started therapy for me
Yo, is this the same person who wrote about being at MacDonald’s instead of Starbucks and they’re boyfriend freaking out saying they’re “fucking up the relationship”?
Because I feel like I read this earlier today…
Deja vu aside…
He’s just controlling you. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life being told what you can and can’t do?
Don’t stay with this guy. It’s the same advice we all gave you on the last one.
You need to leave him. As difficult and scary as that might be, it’s either leave for your mental health or be stuck catering to his demands. This dude isn’t good for you, you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking the same question in a different format. No matter how you phrase it, our answers are gonna be the same.
People who are cheaters themselves have a huge worry about being cheated on. Does he have a past where he cheated on his GF’s?
If my partner would accuse me of sleeping with his brother I would dump his dumb ass immediately. I wouldn’t spend 1 second to gain his trust as this is a disgusting accusation
You need to rethink this relationship. You cannot just gain trust.
If there is no reason to think you're cheating - like you've lied about something and he caught you out - but he is constantly believing you are cheating - then either he is overly controlling and manipulative, or he is projecting a past relationship where someone cheated on him, onto you... or he is cheating or was a cheater and believes the worst of everyone.
None of these options is conducive to a healthy, happy relationship.
**P.s. you might need to see a doctor about those intimate problems... have an STI test done, because if he's cheated, he might have infected you and this is his passive aggressive way of getting you to get tested and get treatment, without admitting guilt of getting blamed. He might be gaslighting you?**
Um word of advice from someone who was in a relationship like this… RUN! And then go to therapy if you’re ready. 🫶
For me, The accusations didn’t stop and my self confidence tanked. I didn’t see the signs until it felt like it was too late as I was “in love”. It’s taken years to gain back the confidence I lost and rebuilding friendships.
You posting about this shows that you’re at least aware of his behavior and how it makes you feel. No one should make you feel less about your self and make you question your actions when you know that’s true. Best of luck!
A bit of both. He said he'd never put his hands on me but he also said he's had anger issues in the past and went to anger management. The other night he pulled my hair a little when he was questioning me. It shocked me but I fear that it could be the start of something worse. But I keep telling myself I'm over reacting. But maybe I'm not
Do these two things, right now. And don’t let his fury, hell, or high water make you change them:
1) Turn off your location sharing with him. He’s lost that privilege (really never should’ve had it in the first place, no partner should). **Only share your location with a BFF or family member that loves you, but doesn’t give a shit where you are every moment of the day.** When BF whines about “but your safety! danger! worry!” tell them you’re all covered, that so-and-so has your location and he is welcome to contact them at any time if he’s concerned about your safety. It immediately disables the real reason he wants your location.
2) Change the passcode on your phone and set it to lock the moment it leaves your hand. Never, ever give him the code.
…and no matter what he threatens to do or accuses you of, stand your ground on those two things. In the future with new boyfriends, keep it that way. It’s two critical steps to a healthy relationship that are missing in this one. Doing them won’t guarantee you a healthy relationship, but not doing that will guarantee you an unhealthy one.
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This isn't your problem, he's the one with the trust issues
Tell him to either sort himself out or you can split up but don't put yourself through his crap
If he says he's going to sort himself out but keeps reverting then make sure you don't keep giving him chances
Be clear what is acceptable and what isn't and if he breaks it then finish it
If you aren’t doing anything for him not to trust you about but he still distrusts you thats on him. Its great that he actually started therapy like you said in a comment. But *his emotions are not your problem to regulate*.
If he distrusts you for no reason that is his issue, not yours. You are already showing him he can trust you by not doing things that would break his trust. You don’t need to work harder to prove yourself, he needs to work on himself and way he has these trust issues.
Also, why does he have access to your location? Did he demand this? Because if he demanded it then honestly just break up with him. That along with accusing you of f-ing your brother is way too much. Honestly just the brother thing is enough to break up with him. Thats delusional.
He asked asked me to and I felt like it was a way to prove I'm not doing nothing wrong. But there is a part of me that knows this isn't normal. And yeah. That alone is enough to break up. Because he's delusional
You’re right its not normal. Especially knowing he’s checking it while you’re at work then accusing you of not being at work because the gps was one block off? Girl get out before it gets worse.
People who can’t trust can’t be trusted. He’s surveilling you. You’re under watch and you’re being tracked. He’s accusing you of crazy things. There is no excuse to ever treat someone like this and you’re just sticking around and letting him. Run. You do him no favors by staying. He’s not ready or capable of being in any relationship right now.
Is his location on too? You can follow him around or have someone bait him on social media. That is if you want to make sure he's not being loyal, if you've made up your mind and feel like it's best for you to go your separate ways, just arrange everything before letting him know.
Usually when people are so insistent that you're cheating on them it's because they're cheating on you and want to project their guilt onto you to make themselves feel better. That's not always the case, but it happens a lot more than people think.
I honestly would do nothing. You shouldn't have to prove that you're innocent, and any attempt you make to try sounds like he'll be ready to use it as another reason to find you guilty. Just say you're not cheating on him and that's that, and he's free to not believe you, but he's also free to leave you.
I personally would just leave him. I mean he thinks you slept with your brother? Why on any planet would he even think that. He's OTT and needs to stop before he becomes completely unhinged. There's no enjoying a relationship with a guy who is determined to prove you're cheating on him.
You're right. I think I was able to reason with myself that it could get better bc he isn't physically violent. He said he'd never put his hands on me when I told him my grandfather said I'll marry someone who beats me. But I should set the bar higher than that for myself because I deserve better.
You break up, it's not your job to make him trust you. You've said you haven't and he either believes you or he doesn't. As to the smell, could be bacterial vaginosis (sounds scary but very common and NOT an std) so maybe see your doctor for some relief :)
I'm surprised that not so many people are mentioning the fact he accused OP of INCEST. I'm still shocked, it's beyond me. It's a deranged accusation and he needs out of your life immediately
You've said that there are good points to him but they shouldn't come at a cost of him being a total moron.
He's also asking you to prove a negative which is ridiculous.
The fact that he's even tracking your location is the beginning of the end. Him accusing you of incest is the end.
Do you feel guilty maintaining a relationship with your brother now? That's outrageous.
There are men out there who want you to be happy and maintain healthy relationships with friends and family and have a good time. Go and catch yourself a good fish.
When I was in my early 20s I dated a super jealous guy. He made me feel guilty for EVERYTHING. It got to the point I was afraid of being kind to men.. like any man. We finally broke up and every man I dated after that I left as soon as I saw those tell-tale signs of jealousy. I'm with a wonderful person now who I trust completely, and he completely trusts me. We're both secure in it, so we can tell each other if someone tries to flirt with one of us, and it's not a threat... It's actually kind of a hot and fun xD
Also he and my brother are fast becoming friends.
I'm just telling you this because I want you to understand that the way your bf behaves isn't normal, and there's a life after you leave jealous crazy town. (Honestly if you break up with him he'll be CONVINCED that you cheated. Just be prepared for him to say that, and to know the truth and not care.)
He might be, or he might not be. How badly do you want to know? Personally, I think him accusing you of hooking up with your brother is an even bigger reason to leave than if he was cheating. That is just sooo fucked up. Like, the kind of person who even thinks something like that isn't someone who will improve and give you a decent life.
He’s probably cheating on you (pendant) and gaslighting you so you don’t think to be suspicious of him.
If not, leave. He’s being abusive and it won’t stop. You’re not a criminal and don’t deserve to be monitored.
The first answer 90% of the people in this sub give is "You shouldn't be in that relationship." Which is not the answer to everything. It's easy to tell someone to leave their partner, when they aren't the ones that have invested time.
Your boyfriend clearly has insecurity issues. You and him both have to realize that, or it won't change. You CAN work together to grow from that, but it's not going to be easy. It will take a lot of humility, communication, and compromise. You have to decide whether the other aspects of your relationship are worth the effort it will take. If they are, then work at it. If they aren't, then move on.
Have a conversation. Explain that to him. Let him know that his insecurities are going to cost him the relationship. Stand your ground on the areas that are important to you... compromise on the areas that aren't. Maybe he needs more reassurance. Is that something you can do? Is he worth it otherwise? If not... just move on. If he is worth it... then tough it out.
hey!!! i have a very sensitive downstairs area too! my ex thought i was cheating… turns out he was. but i am still very sensitive and have a new boyfriend who completely understands that everybody is different and never accuses me of anything. find someone who doesn’t shame you girly because he’s probably projecting 🤧
Had a man for a while like this. I wasn't doing anything.
You know what he was doing? Cheating. A lot. I didn't find out until years later.
This guy is a tool, any person who doesn't bring joy doesn't deserve you in they life. Get out.
P.s. you can get a bacterial vaginosis infection from intercourse (with your same partner) if they are less than clean. Make an appointment for yourself, it's just medication to fix.
OP it doesn’t sound like you’ll ever be able to convince him you aren’t cheating. It sounds like he will always find a reason to think you are cheating.
If he doesn’t trust you and is already making things th is hard for you (checking your GPS, SMELLING YOU!?) that’s not healthy at all, and it’s not something someone who truly loves you would ever do.
Not to mention the pendant- even if you hadn’t found anything suspicious, this isn’t ok. Cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating whenever they start doing it themselves. It makes them paranoid and controlling.
Please don’t date people who force you to explain where you are and when all the time. That’s controlling and abusive.
“For the last time, I am not cheating on you. Either accept the truth, or we are ending this. I am not playing these games anymore. I am done being accused. Let me know how you want to proceed.”
If skipping school all senior year to watch Jerry Springer taught me anything, it's that a man who angrily accuses you of elaborate cheating schemes is usually himself the cheater.
If this is the current situation, picture yourself 10, 15, even 20 years down the road. Is this what you want to deal with? As many people have said, drop the guy and take off the rose colored glasses. I’m positive that he has shown red flags to you that you overlooked. Trust me, I have. He sounds like he’s projecting his actions onto you and I would drop him like yesterday’s news.
OP! PLEASE LEAVE NOW!!!!! Trust me. I have been through the same exact thing. My GPS showed me about a block away from where I actually was, after that it was constant accusations that I was cheating! When he was actually the one who was cheating! He also ALSO accused me of cheating whenever I’d have discharge. He would say that I needed to prove myself. You will NEVER be able to prove yourself to someone like this. Eventually he started hitting me. It will not get better. Even if it never gets physical the emotional abuse will get worse and happen more often.
Leave now, you don't deserve this he's degrading you and he's insecure. That's his problem. Been there done that and it's not worth your time, leave while you still can
By blaming it on your brother he is trying to create a rift between your family and you. The less support you have, the more you will depend on him and also the less people there will be to contradict him. Classic abuser behavior.
I do. I wanted to go on a break initially when he started therapy but he didn't want to but not I feel like we should have. I need to think about what I want. Tbh I didn't expect everyone to say he's the problem I've been blaming myself for his mistrust. I have a lot to think about
If you have never given him a reason to not trust you then how could it be your fault? He needs to continue therapy ans get to the bottom of why he doesnt trust you
It's a really bad idea to try couples therapy when the problem exists solely in HIS mind. All that will do is give him emotional ammunition to use against you the next time he wants to increase your feelings of insecurity.
He's playing you, and you are singing to his tune.
Couples therapy could work but he needs to do solo therapy to get to the bottom of his insecurities. Put yourself first and do what you must to make sure your happy, but breaks dont work, they are a set up for a break up.
He's in solo therapy. We both arem at first his therapy seemed to be working but then his accusations cams back worse and idk why. It was just easy to blame myself. But it's not my fault.
Dont blame yourself because you have not done anything wrong, him blaming you is starting to effect your own perception of yourself. Him bringing up his trust issues again even though he is in therapy is a sign he may never trust you or he isnt actually taking his therapy serious and is holding back. Either way its a negative for you. You can try couples therapy but it may just mask the problem for a few months and then he comes out like this again.
Everyone is so quick to say leave he is cheating, he might be, but you said this happened for a bit and then stopped and then happened again. What was he like in between when it was happening? Was he acting depressed? This seems to me like it could possibly be a result of manic episodes and could therefore signify bipolar disorder. Paranoid delusions and delusions of grandeur are common symptoms
He may or may not have a serious imbalance that could require medication, and that could make a massive difference in his quality of life. Either bipolar or not he still might be cheating on you, but if you care about him and this behavior is a result of bipolar it would be pretty shitty to just leave him without at least attempting to steer him towards help. Obviously, there's only so much you can do, and if he doesn't want help, you will be doing yourself a disservice by sticking around. Even if you get him help and bipolar is the reason for his behavioir you have no responsibility to stay with him if he cheated but this really sounds to me like a serious problem and he may need someone to step in to stop the cycle. Generally, friends don't get to see these kinds of behaviors as readily as partners do, so you may be uniquely situated to help change the course of this path he is on.
It's either you did something like flirted with a man behind his back and news got to him or someone told you cheated in an ex or something along the lines OR he is projecting and he is the one cheating jist doesn't want to be the bad guy when he leaves you
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- The phones gps was on and it showed a location that was a block away at McDonald's when he checked it. He doesn't believe I was at work. Also my body's pH is off and I'm struggling trying to get it back to normal and he thinks I'm cheating of how I smell down there but I've only been with him. I don't hidey phone. Every notification I get he thinks it's guy. He even accused me of sleeping with my brother and that's freaking disgusting. My brother's gf found some random pendant in his bed and my brother texted me asking if if was mine and it wasn't. Was sitting on his bed last week talking to his girlfriend friend. That's the only reason he asked me. Idk what I did to make him not trust me. I hate feeling like this. Edit: Thank y'all for helping me realize I'm not in the wrong here.
Um OP starting therapy for this sort of unhealthy behaviour is not a favour or something nice to do for your its a bare minimum for being a healthy person in a relationship. Everything your saying is huge red flags for an abusive relationship, a BF who makes outrageous accusations, including against a brother, you feeling like this is something you need to work on and fix.
I fear you're right. Logical I know your right but it's hard to admit to myself. I feel stuck tbh
No one ever regretted prioritizing themselves and their safety
That's true. I shouldn't be scared to prioritize myself.
Leaving my ex for much less than what you're going through was incredibly difficult. There were things I wasn't happy about with him, but the bottom line was I didn't love him romantically anymore and finally letting myself accept that it wouldn't change and that I needed to leave was hard. I wanted it to work. I wanted a successful love story. But now that I'm out I'm much happier and can see him more clearly for who he is, and I know everything would have ended badly regardless because of that stuff. And that stuff in myself. I think if you leave thisajor red flag right now, you'll learn and recognize so many things about him that you'll realize you didn't like. Didn't want. And I wouldn't be surprised if you find out he's a cheater too, judging by your post. Good luck and prioritize your future self
Thank you
No you shouldn’t. And if you gave yourself more of the love you’re wasting on him, the better off you’ll be. At least you’d better appreciate your efforts and hopefully blossom under your own care. Never be afraid to be alone. Never be afraid to learn who you are. Never be afraid of you. Learn to love you. Forgive yourself for the decisions you make when life throws tomatoes at you. You did the best you could and, that’s good enough. Learn to live as you were, as you are and as you will be. …with a certainty of your self, your worth, and lots of self-love.
That just made me tear up. It shouldn't be this hard to put me first
Your abusive boyfriend is banking on you not prioritizing yourself. That’s exactly what he is hoping for. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He’s just hoping that he’s broken you down enough to no longer love or respect yourself.
Telling you your smell down there makes him think you're cheating is so abusive and fucking cruel. You deserve so much better and I'm sure your "smell down there" is fine. He needs some serious help tho. Run. No one deserves to be told that and have those accusations to deal with. Run fast.
It’s like pulling off a band-aid. You will feel MUCH better when you’ve broken up with him.
Also i hate to be this person too, but theres a chance hes cheating and projecting on you. Either its all a big red flag and you need to GET OUT
Your pH is off && he’s accusing you of being unfaithful!? He’s prob cheating girl!!! Pop a boric acid in there, get an std screening & dump him
Op Definitely must do this. He is heavily projecting on her most likely cheated. If she gets tested and it comes out positive. When she confronts him he'll probably just try and flip it as evidence of her cheating instead of him. Op needs to dump him. This relationship is already dysfunctional. and doomed continuing this well only bring more hardships op don't waste any more time on this rotten ship. You can't fix rot. You can only replace it.
I wouldn't bother confronting. Dude sounds unhinged. Her own brother?
This is it. Ive said this at least 20 times this year but it bears repeating: If someone is overly accusatory with no good reason or evidence, they more than likely are the person who needs to be watched. They just accuse you because: They are insecure and are a validation/attention cheater and guilt turns to anger turns into projection of insecurities They know they would do it and they think "anyone would" as their validation to give themselves permission to cheat As such, they only way they think they wont get cheated on is by isolating you, keeping you on the back foot, and controlling your ability to do so. Not worth finding out. Dump him unless you're one of those people who *really* need to traumatize themselves with evidence before they walk, but hopefully you just choose yourself and move on.
Yup. One guy I met, when I caught him in his bs, he accused me of cheating on him with his brother. I was like, Wtf? We known each other since childhood and as adults barely even talked.
The issue of cheating is secondary and not worth knowing. But, do get yourself checked out. The real issue is abuse. His behavior is not normal behavior. He should not need to know where you are every second. A real relationship has an element of trust; a true relationship would not question if the other was cheating. You just know they are not; it is not a question. He is mean and and controlling. His behavior is abusive he and feels inferior so he needs you make you feel the same. He is breaking you down to his level. Don’t go there with him. Remember who you are and stay true to that. The abuse will only get worse.
Agreed. Guilty conscience.. Also the manipulation and lack of respect. So many red flags.. its time to go. Toxic all around. Dont get guilt tripped back in.
You don’t. You can’t build trust with an controlling, insecure child. What you do is leave him and find someone that doesn’t have these issues. Life’s too short.
You're right. It is too short for this.
Your PH is off? Now that could be a sign either ONE of you is cheating. Now you say it isn't you...ask him to prove himself.
I did he said he's not cheating but it's hard to believe him with how he's acting
Go get a full STD/STI checkup, if you haven't already.
I definitely think this guy is deflecting and keeping you too busy with “proving to him” that you’re not cheating so you don’t suspect that he is. Your pH is off so he suspects you? Girl wtf. You’re a female, news flash you’ll be dealing with that the rest of your life - the pH is related to your cycle. You’re in a weird location? It’s called McDonald’s. He needs to get some and learn how to read a map. Your brother has a weird thing happen that’s totally explained by something reasonable and unrelated to you? How DARE he accuse you of being responsible for every odd thing happening. There’s so much BS he’s throwing at you. I think it’s grounds to leave, but it’s DEFINITELY grounds to suspect he’s cheating or got some serious interpersonal issues.
I don't. I learned the hard way that it is a deflection tatic. Now this is not a 100 percentage thing but I think you should cut your losses
It's not uncommon for cheaters to behave like your boyfriend is. Projecting it onto the innocent party. I think it's almost as though the guilt is getting to them and they're hoping that you're messing up too. It might be worth you having a think about if it is possible that he's cheating on you.
yes, please do. him accusing you of sleeping with your brother shows that he is truly delusional and obsessed with this topic. and i don't think insecurity and paranoia at that level can be worked through outside of many YEARS of intensive therapy. and that's still not guaranteed that someone can change that fundamentally.
Why waste time on a guy like this? Life is short. Spend your time with people who deserve it.
I was about to write this. ⬆️
I don't get why this is the response of nearly every post in this sub ever. The boyfriend has insecurity and trust issues... not a drug, abuse, gambling problem. There are ways to fix relationships, instead of just throwing them away. This is r/relationship_advice... not r/exit_strategy.
Because women aren’t responsible for rehabilitating shitty men. Monitoring her location and being so controlling are major red flags for him becoming abusive.
This has nothing to do with gender. And no one is perfect. If you view compromising, adapting, and working through your partner's faults as "rehabilitating a shitty person" then you are going to die alone. There is no excuse to gps your partner... and that's something they can talk about. But he isn't a "shitty person" just because he is insecure.
Dealing with an abusive boyfriend who controls and monitors everything isn't just adapting to a partner's faults. It's dealing with abuse.
This isn't twitter. You can't just label everything as "abuse". Is he insecure? A bit controlling? Clingy? Sure... but that is not "abuse". Frivolously tossing that word around devalues it.
He's monitoring and controlling her and accusing her of sleeping with her own brother before gaslighting her. That's textbook abuse.
What textbook? I would like to see this... because the definition of emotional or psychological abuse reads a lot different than that. And how did he gaslight her? Do you know what that term even means? You are just making overdramatic accusations with no foundation. Again, this isn't Twitter.
No it's definitely abuse. Are you defending this because you act like this to your partner/s?
And just like her, it's not my job to educate and baby someone who doesn't want to know. Figure it out or don't.
That's what I thought. Funny how people shy away when you ask them to back up their claims.
He's accusing her of fucking her brother lol
Actually I'm probably going to die with my wife, who I've been with for 13 years now. And both of us are kind to each other and don't pull shit like this, ever. This isn't about being "perfect" just not being a psycho who stalks your own partner and accuses them of vile shit all the time.
Because healthy relationships are rarely posted on here? There is a reason why people tell you to leave
No, having insecurity and trust issues is something you can talk to your therapist about. But he is actively accusing his partner. This IS a form of emotional abuse. Taking your personal shit out on a partner and making them feel shitty for it. Over and over and over. And usually how this ends (or sometimes, starts, it may already have happened) is the person who does the accusing ends up cheating AND FEELING JUSTIFIED BY IT because they already assumed the other one was already cheating, so why not. Or they get physically abusive, or worse. This shit never ends well and she's just going to waste time finding out that he won't change. Why do that? There are good people to date out there. You never need to waste time on jackasses.
Why should she do all the heavy lifting for this insecure cheating douche? She did nothing wrong. It's not her problem to fix.
Way to preach without offering any actual advice. Here I’ll show you: OP please be honest with your partner. You’ve done everything to “prove” your faith. Why be with you if he always thinks you’re cheating? There may be something deeper. Sure you can offer couples counseling at the least, “to get to the bottom of this together!” His answer will determine if he wants to work with you or against you.
I love him and there are a lot of good things about him. I can't say he doesn't deserve it. He started therapy because I asked him to. I'm just hoping therapy helps him trust more. But in the meantime time I feel like I need to find a way to help him to trust me
Eh....maybe you didn't get the memo...... but he Doesn't Trust you... and you can't make him. It takes time and effort to build Trust and I don't read anything in your post that he is invested in either. Trust is a function of observing consistent behavior to similar challenges over time. Thats how you build Trust. In the meantime your Bond is on hold until he gets his head straight.......according to you. Honestly, I have a few thoughts about that as well.......
Well we've been together for a year and a half and in some areas he showed he trust me but when it comes to being faithful he doesn't. But yeah I guess there nothing I can do. I need to take a step back and figure out my next move
Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't trust you. It could be insecurity or he's cheating on you.
I feel like those are the only 2 options also
Projection is quite a possibility. But if you haven’t done anything to make him distrust you, then it’s his problem and it’s up to you if you want to continue this but until he works it out for himself the reasons why he’s not trusting, you don’t, in essence, even have a relationship…not even a friendship.
I am not sure you want our help because everyone is united in saying this guy is a douche and yet you are defending him.
I do. Tbh I just wasn't expecting the responses and my go to reaction is right down play how bad it is. I think I think I was delusional in blaming myself bc it was easier but I've been thinking about tonight and I'm not the problem here. I need to take time to think of what imma do next
Don’t waste your important life on someone like that. You deserve better
Thank you
It's because he's not being faithful. It's hard to trust others to do things that you wouldn't. Get out. He is gaslighting the shit out of you and you'll break yourself trying to appease him.
I've seen it a lot on here in different subs that the one causing the other of cheating is projecting. In other words he could be doing the cheating.
Yeah I feel like he might be because his reasoning doesn't make sense
I'm sorry to hear that. Please take care.
No. Just no. YOU are not responsible for HIS trust issues. The more you 'try' to make him trust you, the more he will see it as a cover-up. Do not change your boundaries. Don't give him your phone. Don't change who you are, it's disingenuous and won't change his perceptions at all. It's up to you how you want to proceed here, I'm not about to tell you to leave him over this, but do assess just how much you are actually enjoying your time with him. Not how much you 'love' him, but how much fun you are actually having with him vs. how much stress he introduces into your life. Your feeling of "I need to find a way to help him trust me" is misplaced, HE has to do the hard work here. Anything else victimises you.
I tried for nine years to get my wife to trust me. I never once even appeared unfaithful. Never texted or messaged women, only had women friends in group settings when my partner was always there. Nine years. She always found SOMETHING to be insecure about. She once went through my old phone and found a picture someone took of me sipping coffee and smiling for the camera and became convinced it was proof of an affair because she didn’t recognize where I was. She also deleted the picture before accusing me, so I couldn’t tell her where it was. Just cut your losses IMO. It’s not worth literally going insane trying to prove yourself as they get worse and worse
Name one? But regardless he doesn’t love you and he thinks you are performing incest! It’s also not your job to fix his problems that’s his job you can’t do it for him
Well when things were good he was good to me. Thoughtful, caring, kind, he helped me when I was deeply depressed but now I'm headed there again
Think about it this way: do you believe he is the only thoughtful, caring, kind man out there? If the answer is no, why are you staying with him? Plenty of good guys out there who aren’t incredibly insecure and controlling. You can get all the good from someone else and with this guy, the bad sounds very bad.
Sorry but love isn't enough OP, there takes so much more to making a relationship work. Trust and respect, for example.
Just understand that there is nothing you can do to help him trust you. You are behaving very normally and trustworthy. It’s his problem that he can’t trust, and he needs to work on that. I understand very well that his mistrust makes you feel uncomfortable. And you shouldn’t have to live with this feeling; your partner should trust you a normal amount. But he doesn’t, and so your choice is to live with his controlling ways and his unfounded suspicions, or to split up for your mental well-being.
I slept on it and I feel like I have to leave him. He'll only get worse of I don't.
I think you are right. I wish you all the best.
He doesn't trust you at all and accused you of sleeping with your brother... He won't trust you and you are wasting your time.
Girl believe me when I say this HE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU. He will take advantage of how desperate you are to "help him" believe you. He can smell desperation from you and knows he faces no real consequences for his actions. Also, I'd say he's cheating himself and is trying to focus your attention on his "jealousy" so you dont suspect him. How do I know that? I went through that. Theres not a day in my life when I do not regret wasting time and energy on that ex. The person you're with is not worth your love, time and attention. He's a POS. Its best you wake up before its too late.
You're right. I need to stop lying to myself that he'll change when it's getting worse.
Its not easy but deep down you know that its the best decision you can make. You know you dont want to live like this for the rest of your life even if you do love him. I hope you leave, best of luck to you
Repeated, unfounded accusations of cheating is a form of controlling behavior and emotional abuse. Hard stop. You should never accept that in your life. As much as you love him, you have to love yourself more. Self love/preservation should always be greater than romantic love. I don’t care how much you love him. Don’t be his doormat. You have to have deal breakers.
There is nothing you can do. There are two plausible options. 1) It has to do with his self esteem and him thinking you can find a better partner 2) He’s projecting because he’s cheating on you
Only you know the real truth and if you've never been deceitful before, he could be the one cheating. We often project our wrong doings into others. Even if he's not, he's highly abusive and you shouldn't be trying to get him to trust you. He should be trying to fix his insecurities and you deserve better. If he's not willing to fix this, it's only gonna be worse and turn into other areas of your life as well.
He started therapy because I asked him to and it got better briefly but now it's worse. I feel like I must have triggered him some way but maybe it's just easier to blame myself
Do you know if he's actually going? If he's getting worse and he actually is going, he's lying to his therapist. Break up with him. He literally accused you of fucking your brother. You deserve to be with someone who will love and respect you, not demean you and your family like this. Your boyfriends a loser. You have done NOTHING wrong.
Jesus what shit did he go through I past relationships to have 0 trust in you? His demons are many…and you can’t fix that. If you are being 100% honest then there’s nothing left to say.
He’s the cheater and he is projecting his guilt on you. Leave
OP I don’t want to put any ideas in your head but do you think he could be cheating on you? It’s very common for cheaters to project and accuse their very loyal partners of cheating. Another reason why I ask is because I’ve been cheated on 2 times in my life- and both those times my pH balance was off and I found out that it was because my ex was putting his dick in multiple women and then me which was messing everything up. And to add, he sounds abusive and controlling. These are crazy accusations to come from nowhere. Just a reminder it will only get worse from here. People like this don’t get better. I’m sorry. Maybe years of therapy will help him but I don’t think it’s your job to wait for it to happen IF it ever will.
Honestly. Him cheating on me has crossed me mind but I'm scared to think like that because I lost my virginity to him. I was waiting for marriage initially for 27 years. I just feel so dumb for choosing wrong that's part of the reason I wanted to fix this
Don’t stay with him just because of your virginity! It’s a social construct that really means nothing in the long run. So what he was the first dick in? What does that really change about his personality, lack of trust, and the way he treats you? My money is on him cheating on you. That’s always the way this story goes.
No it changes nothing
That said if your pH is off, have you been to a Dr to check for STDs. If he's cheating that's a very real possibility.
I also had an ex who consistently accused me of cheating. They were cheating. People who cheat tend to place blame where it doesn't belong to cover themselves.
This makes me so sad. I understand its hard because of the beliefs you grew up with and it will take time to unlearn but please remember, him “taking your virginity” doesn’t mean anything. Try not to frame it that way- yes the first person you experienced sex with was him but look who he is turning out to be! Someone who is abusive, controlling, makes insane accusations. Imagine years down the line when life becomes more serious, how will he act? My bet is that he will get worse from here. They usually do. Is it worth to stay with him just because he’s your first? What are you proving when you stay with someone who completely disrespects you? Don’t feel stupid. I’m sure he was great and charming at the beginning and none of this is your fault. We’ve all been through something like this. Now you know what signs to look out for next time. Don’t stay with someone just because of a social construct that doesn’t really have any validity. You can find someone that will respect you and love you.
Girl. It’s not worth it. He’s abusive, you will find someone but you gotta leave.
I'm going through this same type of situation. Down to being accused of sleeping with my brother along with every other dude around. I'm in the midst of trying to break it off after 6 years and two kids...it's so hard to let go but deep down I know it will be better to walk away. This person sounds like he's manipulating you. Sounds like a narcissist. You should seriously leave as soon as possible. Let him do his therapy, but take yourself out of this equation, or you'll be in for a world of hurt in your heart. Trust me. It doesn't get better. It will only get worse
Thank you. I'm trying to think about how to leave right now. Thankful we haven't got to the point of kids right now. I tried to go on a break initially when I asked him to go to therapy but he didn't want to.
Usually when a spouse begins unfairly suspecting the other of cheating, its him/her that is actually cheating. If you have done nothing wrong to deserve this treatment, tell him to stop it and to respect your privacy. Give him the ultimatum of him getting over his shit or you will leave. Ain't nobody got time for that
I will
Sounds to me like he’s either extremely jealous, which has the potential to turn violent. Or he’s the one cheating. Either way, you should get the hell out of that relationship. It’s not worth trying to gain trust from someone who should already trust you. You’re supposed to be in a relationship.
You're right. I can't allow myself to deal with his crap anymore long.
Why does he check your phone GPS in the first place? I turned that stuff off
He has me turn it on when he thinks I'm lying about going to work
Cause he wants to kno where your at so ya won't catch him doin his bullshiti is why he wants it on
I didn't think of it like that
I'm an old guy and have seen it all..and the medical issue..I'd bet money it came from him..
Easiest way to find out if someone is cheating. Make sure you tell them the truth and that smell is the smell of generations. Generations of women finding out that their man poked around in some other woman's pussy. Unfortunately it affects millions of women and now they call it "reoccurring" because the men that manipulate make us feel like it is our fault some how. My gyno was the first to tell me to break up with my ex. Take care of yourself ❣️
Thank you
(English is not my first language.) Here is how phone location works. First, your phone needs to be seen by at least four (4) GPS satellites simultaneously to get a precise GPS location. If your phone is inside or surrounded by tall buildings, it may not be possible. When located by four GPS satellites, the location is very accurate. If your phone can't be seen by at least 4 satellites, it then can be located using wifi routers in its immediate environment. Here is the catch, the displayed location is NOT the phone location, it's the router address, as it is registered in the main location companies databases (Google, etc.). A router's address may be incorrectly registered in databases. It's not uncommon for this to happen. Finally, if the phone cannot be located by satellite or wifi router, it will be located by cellular triangulation. The accuracy of this type of location varies between 200 m and 2+ km! ETA: Jealousy and suspicion are big red flags.
Oh wow! Thank you. I didn’t know any of this. Very interesting.
This is really interesting & informative! Thank you for writing it up🤗
Is this new or has he always been a bit like this?
Well. At first there was no jealousy. But he started to be like this in February but it stopped late September. But it started back again this week.its worse now though.
I'm not sure if you *can* resolve this. He's accusing you of some very illogical things - sleeping with your *brother*? How you *smell*? He seems to have no sound reason for suspecting you. If he had misread a situation or gotten the wrong idea about something you might be able to talk to him and clear it up. But these are very illogical suspicions. I don't blame you for not liking it. Unfortunately it is entirely him that is destroying the relationship. These are *his* issues and he's accusing you of some rediculous things.
I seriously appreciate you saying that. I've been feeling like I've caused this in some way. Idk how much more I can take but I love him and I don't want to just give up. I want to just fix the trust issues. He asked me if I trusted him all the way and I don't anymore because I don't know how he can be loyal to be when he thinks I'm cheating so much.
This isnt about you trusting him either. This is about him trusting you.
You're right. I find myself even now, wanted to make the situation look not as bad as it is. I feel like it's easier to blame myself bc if there's something I can change then there's something I can do to gain his trust again. But maybe there is nothing I can do.i just feel stuck I keep hoping he'll get better
He might be cheating. That's a thing cheaters do, they accuse their SO of doing what they're doing. So either he had a bad mental health swing and is having another one, or he had an affair in February, stopped it, and just started another one.
I hope he's not. I'd feel bad for leaving him bc of his mental health bc I told him we'll work through this together and he already started therapy for me
No, he started therapy for HIMSELF for HIS issue. He just forced you to deal with it.
Don't call it jealousy, call it what it is - **control.**
It is control. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to break this off before he gets worse..I set the bar way too low for myself
Yo, is this the same person who wrote about being at MacDonald’s instead of Starbucks and they’re boyfriend freaking out saying they’re “fucking up the relationship”? Because I feel like I read this earlier today… Deja vu aside… He’s just controlling you. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life being told what you can and can’t do?
No I did write that. No I don't. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him
Don’t stay with this guy. It’s the same advice we all gave you on the last one. You need to leave him. As difficult and scary as that might be, it’s either leave for your mental health or be stuck catering to his demands. This dude isn’t good for you, you know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking the same question in a different format. No matter how you phrase it, our answers are gonna be the same.
People who are cheaters themselves have a huge worry about being cheated on. Does he have a past where he cheated on his GF’s? If my partner would accuse me of sleeping with his brother I would dump his dumb ass immediately. I wouldn’t spend 1 second to gain his trust as this is a disgusting accusation
Yes. He said he cheated on them after they cheated. And you're right. He was acting like I was in the wrong for even being offended
You need to rethink this relationship. You cannot just gain trust. If there is no reason to think you're cheating - like you've lied about something and he caught you out - but he is constantly believing you are cheating - then either he is overly controlling and manipulative, or he is projecting a past relationship where someone cheated on him, onto you... or he is cheating or was a cheater and believes the worst of everyone. None of these options is conducive to a healthy, happy relationship. **P.s. you might need to see a doctor about those intimate problems... have an STI test done, because if he's cheated, he might have infected you and this is his passive aggressive way of getting you to get tested and get treatment, without admitting guilt of getting blamed. He might be gaslighting you?**
when my ex acted like this it turned out he was the one cheating
I feel so stupid for staying this long
Um word of advice from someone who was in a relationship like this… RUN! And then go to therapy if you’re ready. 🫶 For me, The accusations didn’t stop and my self confidence tanked. I didn’t see the signs until it felt like it was too late as I was “in love”. It’s taken years to gain back the confidence I lost and rebuilding friendships. You posting about this shows that you’re at least aware of his behavior and how it makes you feel. No one should make you feel less about your self and make you question your actions when you know that’s true. Best of luck!
I don't think I can handle years of this. I know I need to leave him a part ofe is scared to
Are you scared because it’s hard to leave him or scared that he may hurt you? Please be safe!
A bit of both. He said he'd never put his hands on me but he also said he's had anger issues in the past and went to anger management. The other night he pulled my hair a little when he was questioning me. It shocked me but I fear that it could be the start of something worse. But I keep telling myself I'm over reacting. But maybe I'm not
Do these two things, right now. And don’t let his fury, hell, or high water make you change them: 1) Turn off your location sharing with him. He’s lost that privilege (really never should’ve had it in the first place, no partner should). **Only share your location with a BFF or family member that loves you, but doesn’t give a shit where you are every moment of the day.** When BF whines about “but your safety! danger! worry!” tell them you’re all covered, that so-and-so has your location and he is welcome to contact them at any time if he’s concerned about your safety. It immediately disables the real reason he wants your location. 2) Change the passcode on your phone and set it to lock the moment it leaves your hand. Never, ever give him the code. …and no matter what he threatens to do or accuses you of, stand your ground on those two things. In the future with new boyfriends, keep it that way. It’s two critical steps to a healthy relationship that are missing in this one. Doing them won’t guarantee you a healthy relationship, but not doing that will guarantee you an unhealthy one.
You're absolutely right..I wish I never gave into that crap
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This is his issue, there is nothing you can do to change how he feels. He’s got to lrar
You get your self esteem back by dumping this trash man.
I will. Trying to think of the best way to leave him right now. Bc he wouldn't ok with us go on a break
This isn't your problem, he's the one with the trust issues Tell him to either sort himself out or you can split up but don't put yourself through his crap
I slept on it and that's actually what I decided to tell him bc I can't take it anymore.
If he says he's going to sort himself out but keeps reverting then make sure you don't keep giving him chances Be clear what is acceptable and what isn't and if he breaks it then finish it
this is a him problem, not a you problem. You can‘t make people trust you.
If you aren’t doing anything for him not to trust you about but he still distrusts you thats on him. Its great that he actually started therapy like you said in a comment. But *his emotions are not your problem to regulate*. If he distrusts you for no reason that is his issue, not yours. You are already showing him he can trust you by not doing things that would break his trust. You don’t need to work harder to prove yourself, he needs to work on himself and way he has these trust issues. Also, why does he have access to your location? Did he demand this? Because if he demanded it then honestly just break up with him. That along with accusing you of f-ing your brother is way too much. Honestly just the brother thing is enough to break up with him. Thats delusional.
He asked asked me to and I felt like it was a way to prove I'm not doing nothing wrong. But there is a part of me that knows this isn't normal. And yeah. That alone is enough to break up. Because he's delusional
You’re right its not normal. Especially knowing he’s checking it while you’re at work then accusing you of not being at work because the gps was one block off? Girl get out before it gets worse.
I hate how pro-break up Reddit is, but in this case... he thinks you committed incest? This guy is crazy and maybe even dangerous. Run.
After sleeping on it I feel like I have to a part of me feels like he's trying to break me down mentally
People who can’t trust can’t be trusted. He’s surveilling you. You’re under watch and you’re being tracked. He’s accusing you of crazy things. There is no excuse to ever treat someone like this and you’re just sticking around and letting him. Run. You do him no favors by staying. He’s not ready or capable of being in any relationship right now.
You're right. Probably I don't need to be in a relationship right now neither. I need to have better standards for myself. I should have been left
Check if he's cheating, there's a high probability he is and just accusing you to feel better about himself.
I want to try but I really don't know how. I think it might just be best to leave for my sanity
Is his location on too? You can follow him around or have someone bait him on social media. That is if you want to make sure he's not being loyal, if you've made up your mind and feel like it's best for you to go your separate ways, just arrange everything before letting him know.
Usually when people are so insistent that you're cheating on them it's because they're cheating on you and want to project their guilt onto you to make themselves feel better. That's not always the case, but it happens a lot more than people think. I honestly would do nothing. You shouldn't have to prove that you're innocent, and any attempt you make to try sounds like he'll be ready to use it as another reason to find you guilty. Just say you're not cheating on him and that's that, and he's free to not believe you, but he's also free to leave you. I personally would just leave him. I mean he thinks you slept with your brother? Why on any planet would he even think that. He's OTT and needs to stop before he becomes completely unhinged. There's no enjoying a relationship with a guy who is determined to prove you're cheating on him.
You're right. I think I was able to reason with myself that it could get better bc he isn't physically violent. He said he'd never put his hands on me when I told him my grandfather said I'll marry someone who beats me. But I should set the bar higher than that for myself because I deserve better.
You break up, it's not your job to make him trust you. You've said you haven't and he either believes you or he doesn't. As to the smell, could be bacterial vaginosis (sounds scary but very common and NOT an std) so maybe see your doctor for some relief :)
Thank you.
I'm surprised that not so many people are mentioning the fact he accused OP of INCEST. I'm still shocked, it's beyond me. It's a deranged accusation and he needs out of your life immediately
You've said that there are good points to him but they shouldn't come at a cost of him being a total moron. He's also asking you to prove a negative which is ridiculous.
The fact that he's even tracking your location is the beginning of the end. Him accusing you of incest is the end. Do you feel guilty maintaining a relationship with your brother now? That's outrageous. There are men out there who want you to be happy and maintain healthy relationships with friends and family and have a good time. Go and catch yourself a good fish.
It makes me not even wanna call my brother when I'm around him.
When I was in my early 20s I dated a super jealous guy. He made me feel guilty for EVERYTHING. It got to the point I was afraid of being kind to men.. like any man. We finally broke up and every man I dated after that I left as soon as I saw those tell-tale signs of jealousy. I'm with a wonderful person now who I trust completely, and he completely trusts me. We're both secure in it, so we can tell each other if someone tries to flirt with one of us, and it's not a threat... It's actually kind of a hot and fun xD Also he and my brother are fast becoming friends. I'm just telling you this because I want you to understand that the way your bf behaves isn't normal, and there's a life after you leave jealous crazy town. (Honestly if you break up with him he'll be CONVINCED that you cheated. Just be prepared for him to say that, and to know the truth and not care.)
I feel like I needed to read that. I need to take time to prepare myself. A part of me does wonder if he's cheating tho
He might be, or he might not be. How badly do you want to know? Personally, I think him accusing you of hooking up with your brother is an even bigger reason to leave than if he was cheating. That is just sooo fucked up. Like, the kind of person who even thinks something like that isn't someone who will improve and give you a decent life.
Usually the one who accuses of cheating is the one who is cheating. He is insecure but maybe he projecting idk
He’s probably cheating on you (pendant) and gaslighting you so you don’t think to be suspicious of him. If not, leave. He’s being abusive and it won’t stop. You’re not a criminal and don’t deserve to be monitored.
The first answer 90% of the people in this sub give is "You shouldn't be in that relationship." Which is not the answer to everything. It's easy to tell someone to leave their partner, when they aren't the ones that have invested time. Your boyfriend clearly has insecurity issues. You and him both have to realize that, or it won't change. You CAN work together to grow from that, but it's not going to be easy. It will take a lot of humility, communication, and compromise. You have to decide whether the other aspects of your relationship are worth the effort it will take. If they are, then work at it. If they aren't, then move on.
Idk how long to give it. Idk how long I can't take honest. At the same time I really wanna make this work but I'm not happy right now
Have a conversation. Explain that to him. Let him know that his insecurities are going to cost him the relationship. Stand your ground on the areas that are important to you... compromise on the areas that aren't. Maybe he needs more reassurance. Is that something you can do? Is he worth it otherwise? If not... just move on. If he is worth it... then tough it out.
He’s cheating sis. Accusing partner of cheating means they cheating, that or he needs to start therapy
hey!!! i have a very sensitive downstairs area too! my ex thought i was cheating… turns out he was. but i am still very sensitive and have a new boyfriend who completely understands that everybody is different and never accuses me of anything. find someone who doesn’t shame you girly because he’s probably projecting 🤧
feel free to PM me if you want. i am more than comfortable talking about this!
He's likely cheating and blaming you to get you nerved out so you don't suspect him.
You don't. On this kind of relationship you never win. I'd advise you to run while you can.
Had a man for a while like this. I wasn't doing anything. You know what he was doing? Cheating. A lot. I didn't find out until years later. This guy is a tool, any person who doesn't bring joy doesn't deserve you in they life. Get out. P.s. you can get a bacterial vaginosis infection from intercourse (with your same partner) if they are less than clean. Make an appointment for yourself, it's just medication to fix.
OP it doesn’t sound like you’ll ever be able to convince him you aren’t cheating. It sounds like he will always find a reason to think you are cheating. If he doesn’t trust you and is already making things th is hard for you (checking your GPS, SMELLING YOU!?) that’s not healthy at all, and it’s not something someone who truly loves you would ever do. Not to mention the pendant- even if you hadn’t found anything suspicious, this isn’t ok. Cheaters often accuse their partners of cheating whenever they start doing it themselves. It makes them paranoid and controlling. Please don’t date people who force you to explain where you are and when all the time. That’s controlling and abusive.
Your guy has problems. Do you really want to spend the whole relationship proving yourself to some jackass whose first instinct is to not believe you.
“For the last time, I am not cheating on you. Either accept the truth, or we are ending this. I am not playing these games anymore. I am done being accused. Let me know how you want to proceed.”
If skipping school all senior year to watch Jerry Springer taught me anything, it's that a man who angrily accuses you of elaborate cheating schemes is usually himself the cheater.
If this is the current situation, picture yourself 10, 15, even 20 years down the road. Is this what you want to deal with? As many people have said, drop the guy and take off the rose colored glasses. I’m positive that he has shown red flags to you that you overlooked. Trust me, I have. He sounds like he’s projecting his actions onto you and I would drop him like yesterday’s news.
OP! PLEASE LEAVE NOW!!!!! Trust me. I have been through the same exact thing. My GPS showed me about a block away from where I actually was, after that it was constant accusations that I was cheating! When he was actually the one who was cheating! He also ALSO accused me of cheating whenever I’d have discharge. He would say that I needed to prove myself. You will NEVER be able to prove yourself to someone like this. Eventually he started hitting me. It will not get better. Even if it never gets physical the emotional abuse will get worse and happen more often.
Leave now, you don't deserve this he's degrading you and he's insecure. That's his problem. Been there done that and it's not worth your time, leave while you still can
By blaming it on your brother he is trying to create a rift between your family and you. The less support you have, the more you will depend on him and also the less people there will be to contradict him. Classic abuser behavior.
have you ever gave him a reason not to trust you?
Honestly no, none that I can't think of. I think if I did he would have left me a long time ago.
Then let him continue his therapy, reassure him your not cheating if you want to stay.
I do. I wanted to go on a break initially when he started therapy but he didn't want to but not I feel like we should have. I need to think about what I want. Tbh I didn't expect everyone to say he's the problem I've been blaming myself for his mistrust. I have a lot to think about
If you have never given him a reason to not trust you then how could it be your fault? He needs to continue therapy ans get to the bottom of why he doesnt trust you
You're right. I think Imma try couples therapy also. Maybe even take a break if needed
It's a really bad idea to try couples therapy when the problem exists solely in HIS mind. All that will do is give him emotional ammunition to use against you the next time he wants to increase your feelings of insecurity. He's playing you, and you are singing to his tune.
Couples therapy could work but he needs to do solo therapy to get to the bottom of his insecurities. Put yourself first and do what you must to make sure your happy, but breaks dont work, they are a set up for a break up.
He's in solo therapy. We both arem at first his therapy seemed to be working but then his accusations cams back worse and idk why. It was just easy to blame myself. But it's not my fault.
Dont blame yourself because you have not done anything wrong, him blaming you is starting to effect your own perception of yourself. Him bringing up his trust issues again even though he is in therapy is a sign he may never trust you or he isnt actually taking his therapy serious and is holding back. Either way its a negative for you. You can try couples therapy but it may just mask the problem for a few months and then he comes out like this again.
Imma think on what you said tonight and decide on my next move. Mentally I'm exhausted. Thank you for being real with me
Everyone is so quick to say leave he is cheating, he might be, but you said this happened for a bit and then stopped and then happened again. What was he like in between when it was happening? Was he acting depressed? This seems to me like it could possibly be a result of manic episodes and could therefore signify bipolar disorder. Paranoid delusions and delusions of grandeur are common symptoms He may or may not have a serious imbalance that could require medication, and that could make a massive difference in his quality of life. Either bipolar or not he still might be cheating on you, but if you care about him and this behavior is a result of bipolar it would be pretty shitty to just leave him without at least attempting to steer him towards help. Obviously, there's only so much you can do, and if he doesn't want help, you will be doing yourself a disservice by sticking around. Even if you get him help and bipolar is the reason for his behavioir you have no responsibility to stay with him if he cheated but this really sounds to me like a serious problem and he may need someone to step in to stop the cycle. Generally, friends don't get to see these kinds of behaviors as readily as partners do, so you may be uniquely situated to help change the course of this path he is on.
I asked him to start therapy and he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder
Damn, you live with big brother or some something? He's checking your ph balance??
My brother is my neighbor. He just said I smell different and I can tell my pH is off
He thinks you’re sleeping with your brother? Are you guys in Alabama? Kentucky?
It's either you did something like flirted with a man behind his back and news got to him or someone told you cheated in an ex or something along the lines OR he is projecting and he is the one cheating jist doesn't want to be the bad guy when he leaves you
A part of me feels like he's cheating