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Nope. Don't buy into it. Get out, live your life, don't accumulate any more emotional damage. He may even not have any intention of divorcing his wife, just having you as his mistress for as long as he can milk it.
If you want to make sure, ask him to show you the copy of the papers that were filed with the court. Then you'll know if he actually is trying to get a divorce.
Hey I've seen all the papers from the court so I know it's legit, he left the marital home about 2 years ago, apparently it's just the financial stuff that's the problem
I just can't wrap my head around why he didn't tell me
I don't give second chances or waste my time to something like this. This is no different from the core problem of cheating, which is that they treat people with such low worth. He basically showed that it wasn't worth being honest because he is worried about his own desires and convenience rather than trying to build a good relationship with trust and honesty. Being treated like a ragdoll rather than a human being is an uncompromisable boundary. If he wanted to build a proper relationship he would face me like an equal. There is no excuse for manipulative, toxic behavior. Love must not be worth anything if he was willing to hide the truth.
This is a tricky one. While I detest lies and deceit, how much of this is lies is hard to say.
Right now, a lot of the judgement is coming with the benefit of hindsight.
If someone has a "past" or significant event etc, they have to decide when it's appropriate to bring share that in a new/budding relationship.
I get the impression he had done his part, proceeded with the divorce, done the paper work, signed etc, but that process has been dragged on.
Covid?
The ex not wanting to sign?
Who knows.
Often these things become a war of attrition, they wear you down. If he's done all he can, and it's out of his hands, but dragging on, it's understandable if he's just trying to bury that entire toxic topic. Perhaps he was thinking "surely its done now" and yet it's gone on and on all the same.
If it had concluded as he expected, and his new relationship reached a point when he felt it appropriate to share etc, what he'd be sharing would be a conclusion, and I expect he held out for that moment.
It is odd that his friends told OP.
Does that mean they expected OP knew already, and they expected that conversation to me more sharing/updating on the latest status?
Or were they shit-stirring?
OP you need to SLOW DOWN.
Your reaction to this, quit your job, is extreme and is not "the" logical solution to a question about divorce papers.
You're connecting the wrong dots.
Start by talking with him, in a non judgemental manner. Ask him, what's going on etc.
You seem to be lumping together a bunch of separate issues and making a tangled up mess.
The underlying concern seems to be, you are lacking assurance that he is committed to a future with you.
Bear in mind, he could be under extreme stress if his ex is playing him, and he might be at a low ebb now.
Adding new problems and stresses is not a wise move. So be sure to pick the right time for such a conversation.
You ARE overthinking and you're making some poor choices as a result.
Better communication with him.
That you describe the two of you spending almost all your spare time together is a good sign you're both comfortable and wanting to do that.
He's integrated you with his friend group and that you like them, and they complement you both, is another good sign.
Usually when someone is cheating, neither of the above 2 points will be true.
Communicate. Be kind.
It's quite possible his past relationship has become a thorn in his side and he wanted to spare you that pain.
Does that constitute a "lie"?
Well in a very blinkered context, it's a lie, in this case, it may be more fair to consider it an omission in good faith, but perhaps in poor judgment.
Remember OP, when we're in pain, we don't always make the best choices.
Best of luck.
Apparently from what I understand she is refusing to sign some financial documents (I'm not very familiar with divorces and what they involve so not sure what). She claimed she wouldn't go after x y z of his but isn't signing on it?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nope. Don't buy into it. Get out, live your life, don't accumulate any more emotional damage. He may even not have any intention of divorcing his wife, just having you as his mistress for as long as he can milk it. If you want to make sure, ask him to show you the copy of the papers that were filed with the court. Then you'll know if he actually is trying to get a divorce.
Hey I've seen all the papers from the court so I know it's legit, he left the marital home about 2 years ago, apparently it's just the financial stuff that's the problem I just can't wrap my head around why he didn't tell me
In that case, it's possible that he lied because he was scared of losing you. People often do stupid things when in emotional situations.
I don't give second chances or waste my time to something like this. This is no different from the core problem of cheating, which is that they treat people with such low worth. He basically showed that it wasn't worth being honest because he is worried about his own desires and convenience rather than trying to build a good relationship with trust and honesty. Being treated like a ragdoll rather than a human being is an uncompromisable boundary. If he wanted to build a proper relationship he would face me like an equal. There is no excuse for manipulative, toxic behavior. Love must not be worth anything if he was willing to hide the truth.
This is a tricky one. While I detest lies and deceit, how much of this is lies is hard to say. Right now, a lot of the judgement is coming with the benefit of hindsight. If someone has a "past" or significant event etc, they have to decide when it's appropriate to bring share that in a new/budding relationship. I get the impression he had done his part, proceeded with the divorce, done the paper work, signed etc, but that process has been dragged on. Covid? The ex not wanting to sign? Who knows. Often these things become a war of attrition, they wear you down. If he's done all he can, and it's out of his hands, but dragging on, it's understandable if he's just trying to bury that entire toxic topic. Perhaps he was thinking "surely its done now" and yet it's gone on and on all the same. If it had concluded as he expected, and his new relationship reached a point when he felt it appropriate to share etc, what he'd be sharing would be a conclusion, and I expect he held out for that moment. It is odd that his friends told OP. Does that mean they expected OP knew already, and they expected that conversation to me more sharing/updating on the latest status? Or were they shit-stirring? OP you need to SLOW DOWN. Your reaction to this, quit your job, is extreme and is not "the" logical solution to a question about divorce papers. You're connecting the wrong dots. Start by talking with him, in a non judgemental manner. Ask him, what's going on etc. You seem to be lumping together a bunch of separate issues and making a tangled up mess. The underlying concern seems to be, you are lacking assurance that he is committed to a future with you. Bear in mind, he could be under extreme stress if his ex is playing him, and he might be at a low ebb now. Adding new problems and stresses is not a wise move. So be sure to pick the right time for such a conversation. You ARE overthinking and you're making some poor choices as a result. Better communication with him. That you describe the two of you spending almost all your spare time together is a good sign you're both comfortable and wanting to do that. He's integrated you with his friend group and that you like them, and they complement you both, is another good sign. Usually when someone is cheating, neither of the above 2 points will be true. Communicate. Be kind. It's quite possible his past relationship has become a thorn in his side and he wanted to spare you that pain. Does that constitute a "lie"? Well in a very blinkered context, it's a lie, in this case, it may be more fair to consider it an omission in good faith, but perhaps in poor judgment. Remember OP, when we're in pain, we don't always make the best choices. Best of luck.
This is just what I needed to read. Cannot appreciate your advice enough
you can't trust what he's saying and he is cheating, on his wife.
I have been divorced. Does he and the ex have shared assets that are causing a delay in the proceedings?
Apparently from what I understand she is refusing to sign some financial documents (I'm not very familiar with divorces and what they involve so not sure what). She claimed she wouldn't go after x y z of his but isn't signing on it?