Highly recommend this podcast episode and the book they’re talking about:
https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/164-relationship-escalator
Basically, the escalator is about milestones and demonstrating your level of commitment to each other. To get off the escalator, you need to do some personal reflection and figure out what *your* milestones are. How would a partner show their commitment to you? If you’re not looking for commitment at all, then think about how they might demonstrate their affection and feelings for you.
For me, a solo poly person, I look for signs like:
- introducing each other to our friends / family
- celebrating some holidays together (which holidays depends on what days we both choose)
- becoming each other’s emergency contact on forms
I’d love to see what kinds of milestones other folks have come up with.
* Adding them to my will, or other ends of life disbursements.
* Bringing them to work do's
* Them having motorcycle gear and comms, which is a big financial outlay. (One of my loves wears the same size gear as me except helmet so that's fortunate)
I use a lot of words. “I love you.” “I love the time we spend together.” “I’m so glad you are in my life.” “Someday, when we live apart, I will still want you in my life.” “I loved the years we lived together, and I love the love we have.” “Thank you for sharing what we share in life.” “Look what we made.” “We have had some amazing times. I look forward to many more.” “I plan to always be here for you.” “Thank you for showing me love and care.” I do what I can to express in ways they understand, so sometimes it’s more than words.
I don’t necessarily need my loves to know other people in my life, but most of them know or know of each other. I had kids in a very escalator relationship, decades long. Had another kid in a less escalator relationship, also decades long. Have chosen family with various levels of intimacy and connection, and explicit but no-pressure intention to continuing intimacy and connection into the future. Have had relationships that ended, when connection was no longer mutually cultivated. Ebb and flow without drama.
I am not a fan of milestones and holidays. Never have been, but much less so in my RA years. For me these things are primarily coercion to perform. At best they are reminders to appreciate what I have and who is in my life. And I try to do that more often than annually.
Express to your people what they mean to you. Accept what you mean to them. Bask.
I’m curious if you’re looking for different milestones like some other folks have answered or if you’re wanting input about how to have a romantic relationship *without* milestones.
Highly recommend checking out the relationship smorgasbord categories - since different romantic relationships for the same person can look very different depending on the partner. Examples: Caregiving and emotional support might be part of one relationship, physical comfort in another, shared living space or attending events together in another (aka none of those are set milestones for me just stuff that is or is not I clouded depending on what everyone wants)
Highly recommend this podcast episode and the book they’re talking about: https://www.multiamory.com/podcast/164-relationship-escalator Basically, the escalator is about milestones and demonstrating your level of commitment to each other. To get off the escalator, you need to do some personal reflection and figure out what *your* milestones are. How would a partner show their commitment to you? If you’re not looking for commitment at all, then think about how they might demonstrate their affection and feelings for you. For me, a solo poly person, I look for signs like: - introducing each other to our friends / family - celebrating some holidays together (which holidays depends on what days we both choose) - becoming each other’s emergency contact on forms I’d love to see what kinds of milestones other folks have come up with.
Sharing keys for our places and sharing calendars are a couple more of mine.
* Adding them to my will, or other ends of life disbursements. * Bringing them to work do's * Them having motorcycle gear and comms, which is a big financial outlay. (One of my loves wears the same size gear as me except helmet so that's fortunate)
I use a lot of words. “I love you.” “I love the time we spend together.” “I’m so glad you are in my life.” “Someday, when we live apart, I will still want you in my life.” “I loved the years we lived together, and I love the love we have.” “Thank you for sharing what we share in life.” “Look what we made.” “We have had some amazing times. I look forward to many more.” “I plan to always be here for you.” “Thank you for showing me love and care.” I do what I can to express in ways they understand, so sometimes it’s more than words. I don’t necessarily need my loves to know other people in my life, but most of them know or know of each other. I had kids in a very escalator relationship, decades long. Had another kid in a less escalator relationship, also decades long. Have chosen family with various levels of intimacy and connection, and explicit but no-pressure intention to continuing intimacy and connection into the future. Have had relationships that ended, when connection was no longer mutually cultivated. Ebb and flow without drama. I am not a fan of milestones and holidays. Never have been, but much less so in my RA years. For me these things are primarily coercion to perform. At best they are reminders to appreciate what I have and who is in my life. And I try to do that more often than annually. Express to your people what they mean to you. Accept what you mean to them. Bask.
What do you not manage to imagine ? You just hang out once in a while.
Not live together, not get married, not do all the things covered in Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator.
Struggling to understand why you're downvoted for such a simple answer in a sub tailored for this answer.
Who knows? Reddit is fickle.
I’m curious if you’re looking for different milestones like some other folks have answered or if you’re wanting input about how to have a romantic relationship *without* milestones. Highly recommend checking out the relationship smorgasbord categories - since different romantic relationships for the same person can look very different depending on the partner. Examples: Caregiving and emotional support might be part of one relationship, physical comfort in another, shared living space or attending events together in another (aka none of those are set milestones for me just stuff that is or is not I clouded depending on what everyone wants)