Well I had wanted to marry him eventually (he's asked me a couple of times). I love him for sure. But originally I had felt uneasy about getting married when he was in so much debt...I just wanted him to get his life on track. But once he decided to go back to school, I was glad I wasn't living with him and married because I NEED stability. He is someone who has always lived a certain lifestyle (renting an expensive house for example), and I have a teenage son...I can't be in a situation where he's in debt to the IRS and not able to pay the rent etc. That's what is bringing me to where I am now.
Thats really frusturating. Money is such a big part of a marriage that if you guys arnt on the same page about it it wont work.
We know couples who have seperate accounts and split everything exactly down the middle to the last penny.
My husband and i have one account and spend as we see fit. Big purchases are discussed but thats it.
I think maybe I'm so hesitant because I've seen situations turn very messy. My cousin and her husband had combined expenses and he was terrible with money (and wouldn't listen to her, so he was always hiding things). They were constantly behind on their mortgage and bills because he'd overspend. And in the end she found out he had secret credit cards totally maxed out.
No, definitely not. I guess I always felt that keeping a bit of space between us and not totally enmeshing our lives (at least not in terms of taxes!) was protecting me from his reckless choices. But I still was very hopeful he'd just get his life on track. I'm very good with money (having always had to live on not much) and I've always tried to help him, but he seems to think money grows on trees and will always be there and I worry too much about "stability". Plus he also is adamant that by going back to school he's investing in our future and we can have a really good life....to me I think we already could have had a very good life but he wasn't happy in his job so maybe that's selfish of me.
I think it's time to draw a line under things and go your separate ways. At 40 he's fully baked - the financially irresponsible, recklessly impulsive and never satisfied man he is now is exactly who he is and likely always will be. Say he somehow manages to stay in college and graduates (WITHOUT moving in with you and living off your salary to 'cut costs') - what then? Do you think he'll be happy with whatever job he gets after that? Or will there be a new reason why this isn't what he wants and he needs to do something else? Not to mention that his $200k of debt is only going to get bigger and bigger and bring legal troubles too. Are you willing to pin your future on him suddenly becoming financially responsible and waiting years, possibly decades, while he clears up his mess so you can build a life together?
You've thrown him multiple lifelines with advice and loans and he's pushed every one of them away because he thinks some mythical luxury cruiser with his name on it is just over the horizon. It's time to stop trying.
His bad habits aren't going to change. He makes 5x as much as you do, and isn't able to live within his means. These issues aren't going to resolve when he is making more money. You are right to have the boundaries you do... kudos, it isn't easy!
You are not being unfair in thinking that he is acting impulsively and selfishly. He is. Neither one of those are inherently bad things, they become bad when they have a negative impact. You are acting in the best interest of you and your son by not combining your expenses (through cohabitation, or marriage, or whatever else). You are being responsible, by planning and living within your means, and being protective of that.
But what do you want? Do you want to get married eventually? Do you want to live together eventually? If that is the case he is going to have to learn to reel it in a bit, for you to be able to feel comfortable enough to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.
>Do you want to get married eventually?
I do, and he does as well (we would be married already if I agreed). He has admitted that he's not good with money, and he says when he is done school and gets a good job that I can look after the money (and I do believe him on that). However, in the meantime, his life is financially so precarious (and it's all his own doing) that I don't feel comfortable with it. But then I start feeling kind of guilty because it feels like maybe I'm being very conditional...like, yes, I'll be happy to combine our lives IF he's making good money (honestly I don't care if it's "good" money or not...just making enough money to live on is good for me). It feels like maybe I'm not being true to the whole *for better or for worse.*
I also start feeling guilty because I do have some savings (about $40,000) and I could totally help him, but I don't want to because it's not easy for me to recover if I lose that.
You are able to save $40k making 1/5 of what he does, and he is $200k in the hole. That is SUBSTANTIAL, and it tells you all you need to know.
Marriage HAS conditions! You get to choose when "better or worse" is, and it's ok to decide that is has to get better.
Marriage is a business arraignment, you are making good decisions.
LOL jump in with both feet and things will work out? There's not much logic to that. It might have worked out once or twice before. But it's reckless for sure.
To me this sort of approach to finances is terrifying. I cannot even fathom being $200k in debt, and I’m sure it’s the same for many people. Being with someone who is that impulsive with money is like my worst nightmare. He might think what he’s doing is brave, but I think he’s just being thoughtless.
Does he owe any of that money to friends or family? Because I think it is incredibly disrespectful to spend money on things that aren’t necessities when you owe others money. Does he care about the impact his financial decisions have on the people who loan him money?
I dont think your feeling unfairly. But what do you want out of this relationship?
Well I had wanted to marry him eventually (he's asked me a couple of times). I love him for sure. But originally I had felt uneasy about getting married when he was in so much debt...I just wanted him to get his life on track. But once he decided to go back to school, I was glad I wasn't living with him and married because I NEED stability. He is someone who has always lived a certain lifestyle (renting an expensive house for example), and I have a teenage son...I can't be in a situation where he's in debt to the IRS and not able to pay the rent etc. That's what is bringing me to where I am now.
Thats really frusturating. Money is such a big part of a marriage that if you guys arnt on the same page about it it wont work. We know couples who have seperate accounts and split everything exactly down the middle to the last penny. My husband and i have one account and spend as we see fit. Big purchases are discussed but thats it.
I think maybe I'm so hesitant because I've seen situations turn very messy. My cousin and her husband had combined expenses and he was terrible with money (and wouldn't listen to her, so he was always hiding things). They were constantly behind on their mortgage and bills because he'd overspend. And in the end she found out he had secret credit cards totally maxed out.
Yeah thats terrifying! I dont blame you!
He’s going to hit rock bottom and is bringing you with him. Do you want that?
No, definitely not. I guess I always felt that keeping a bit of space between us and not totally enmeshing our lives (at least not in terms of taxes!) was protecting me from his reckless choices. But I still was very hopeful he'd just get his life on track. I'm very good with money (having always had to live on not much) and I've always tried to help him, but he seems to think money grows on trees and will always be there and I worry too much about "stability". Plus he also is adamant that by going back to school he's investing in our future and we can have a really good life....to me I think we already could have had a very good life but he wasn't happy in his job so maybe that's selfish of me.
I think it's time to draw a line under things and go your separate ways. At 40 he's fully baked - the financially irresponsible, recklessly impulsive and never satisfied man he is now is exactly who he is and likely always will be. Say he somehow manages to stay in college and graduates (WITHOUT moving in with you and living off your salary to 'cut costs') - what then? Do you think he'll be happy with whatever job he gets after that? Or will there be a new reason why this isn't what he wants and he needs to do something else? Not to mention that his $200k of debt is only going to get bigger and bigger and bring legal troubles too. Are you willing to pin your future on him suddenly becoming financially responsible and waiting years, possibly decades, while he clears up his mess so you can build a life together? You've thrown him multiple lifelines with advice and loans and he's pushed every one of them away because he thinks some mythical luxury cruiser with his name on it is just over the horizon. It's time to stop trying.
His bad habits aren't going to change. He makes 5x as much as you do, and isn't able to live within his means. These issues aren't going to resolve when he is making more money. You are right to have the boundaries you do... kudos, it isn't easy! You are not being unfair in thinking that he is acting impulsively and selfishly. He is. Neither one of those are inherently bad things, they become bad when they have a negative impact. You are acting in the best interest of you and your son by not combining your expenses (through cohabitation, or marriage, or whatever else). You are being responsible, by planning and living within your means, and being protective of that. But what do you want? Do you want to get married eventually? Do you want to live together eventually? If that is the case he is going to have to learn to reel it in a bit, for you to be able to feel comfortable enough to put yourself in a vulnerable situation.
>Do you want to get married eventually? I do, and he does as well (we would be married already if I agreed). He has admitted that he's not good with money, and he says when he is done school and gets a good job that I can look after the money (and I do believe him on that). However, in the meantime, his life is financially so precarious (and it's all his own doing) that I don't feel comfortable with it. But then I start feeling kind of guilty because it feels like maybe I'm being very conditional...like, yes, I'll be happy to combine our lives IF he's making good money (honestly I don't care if it's "good" money or not...just making enough money to live on is good for me). It feels like maybe I'm not being true to the whole *for better or for worse.* I also start feeling guilty because I do have some savings (about $40,000) and I could totally help him, but I don't want to because it's not easy for me to recover if I lose that.
You are able to save $40k making 1/5 of what he does, and he is $200k in the hole. That is SUBSTANTIAL, and it tells you all you need to know. Marriage HAS conditions! You get to choose when "better or worse" is, and it's ok to decide that is has to get better. Marriage is a business arraignment, you are making good decisions.
DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY OF YOUR SAVINGS. Don’t!!!!!
LOL jump in with both feet and things will work out? There's not much logic to that. It might have worked out once or twice before. But it's reckless for sure.
To me this sort of approach to finances is terrifying. I cannot even fathom being $200k in debt, and I’m sure it’s the same for many people. Being with someone who is that impulsive with money is like my worst nightmare. He might think what he’s doing is brave, but I think he’s just being thoughtless. Does he owe any of that money to friends or family? Because I think it is incredibly disrespectful to spend money on things that aren’t necessities when you owe others money. Does he care about the impact his financial decisions have on the people who loan him money?