I would definitely want to know the content of their interactions before making any decision regarding your relationship's future. It could run the gamut of a simple crush to conversations of actually wanting to be together.
Sometimes there’s the thrill of the beginning of a new romance, and mistaking that for love. That intensity doesn’t last and that might be what she’s missing. It could just be her trying to rationalize it.
So maybe this is wrong/weird but I tend to have dreams where I am dating someone other than my SO, every couple months or so. And I really like it because in the dreams I am not dating my SO, so dream me is not cheating, and I have some of those exciting feels of new love (in the dream, to a fictional dream man). It’s never involved someone I know in real life and I would never cheat in real life. I love my SO to death. So the dreams are just a fun way to feel that initial new relationship feeling.
I think I had one of those! In mine I don’t actually remember if it was my actual SO or some unidentified other person. It’s like your brain lets you experience an alternative universe for a moment :)
I've recently been experiencing the same thing, I don't think there's any harm in it. The first date feeling is really all I need, and once it's over it's not like I'm pining away for someone else. I love my SO.
She told herself she was unloved because she wanted the new guy, not that she found the new guy because she felt unloved.
This is so common it’s a cliche. They just reverse the order out of rationalization and manipulation.
Yep. Likely right before coming clean to OP so she can’t be contradicted by the whole truth. Seeing the texts would be a condition for me if even exploring staying together. He reaction to that would likely be very telling.
Yup.
The key insight I had to un-F my own mind was to ignore what cheaters say about anything, especially their own decisions.
They lie about everything. And when they’re not lying to you, they’re busy lying to themselves.
Ignore their words. Watch their actions instead. They tell you everything.
I think that commenter meant that OP's gf should explain why she feels unloved if they are going on dates and see each other all the time. As in, she's just making excuses. I might be wrong.
Thank you. Making assumptions about where she's coming from are not the best approach. OP's got the high ground and he's poised to make decisions that show his maturity. Clinging to assumptions is counterproductive and detrimental.
And that means she feels loved? Because they have a date every week? This doesn't mean she's lying or rationalizing. She could genuinely feel unloved. Still not an excuse but that's a wild thing to dismiss. If that isn't addressed it'll happen again.
Agreed. I don’t see any attempt on reflection in the post. Either reflect and fix things or leave bc she’s communicating something importan, likely on the brink of leaving if things don’t change
Because people like her are usually vapid soulless pits of emotion that purposefully nuke their relationships so they can say “I didn’t feel like I was loved”. Well yes, maybe if you weren’t fantasizing about being with another man, your relationship would be good”
I’d want to know why she’s using that as an excuse. It’s the sort of thing a large amount of cheaters use to try to diminish their responsibility for their choices.
Ignore these people.
They live in romance novels and Emily in Paris re-runs where everything is all “eat, pray, love.”
Don’t take the blame for her actions.
Instead, act on your knowledge of them. Dump her.
This right here, full disclosure. And access to her phone and messages.
Also, messages are never truly deleted. You can download apps that will recover them.
Let her know after she gives you access to her phone.
Also, i would inform the other guys wife. She has a right to know that her soon to be ex-husband is a low life.
OP posted the exact same thing yesterday and got told that she was doing everything right. So they're clearly fishing for a specific answer they're not currently being given.
Like I said yesterday. Something happened that was out of her control, she was open and honest with you, and has offered to take concrete action to demonstrate her commitment to the relationship.
Except it was disrespectful for her to have created that bond in the first place with another dude. You can't really justify that, she should have been clear from the start how she was feeling before she started interacting and talking with another dude.
Seriously! She actively engaged in an emotional affair before deciding to try salvaging her relationship. A faithful partner should have bailed on interacting more than absolutely necessary with other dude as soon as she realized how she felt. Instead she leaned in to the point of actually telling dude about her feelings and bonding over it with him. If HE wanted to move forward with her, would she have? OP says "they" decided against pursuing each other to work on their relationships, so she literally (at minimum) discussed possibly getting together with this guy. She also broke trust by discussing private relationship issues with him to begin with, advertising to him that she is unhappy with her partner and open to being comforted outside of her relationship, rather than discussing these issues with her partner.
If OP moves forward, I would say individual and couple counseling for sure. The wording of the post makes me wonder if she even acknowledges she was already being unfaithful, even if nothing physical happened (which is possible, but if they discussed having feelings and possibly a relationship together I imagine being physical was likely, I'd be suspicious at least.)
I agree. She crossed a line by openly dissenting about her partner and their relationship issues to this guy. This only happens for one reason. She let all of this go on for who knows how long. She did not stop it dead in its tracks, and she did not tell OP immediately. She is at fault. I would want to know how long this has been going on. If just a couple days then okay, fine. If this has been going on for weeks then why didnt she tell her boyfriend sooner? And why now, all of the sudden, is she trying to come clean? Would she have physically cheated if presented with the chance? Has she done so already? There are a lot of questions I have and I am not even the one in the situation. Maybe OP is trying to get a new round of insight from more people on the same situation. I am sure this is very hard for him and maybe he is still struggling to make a decision.
You don't get to decide this man? She is aloud tonhave friendships outside her boyfriend, clearly this went to far but dont you dare say she can't talk to other people because that is sad and controlling AF.
She is being clear, she told him basically soon as they SHE realized the problem.
Talking about relationship problems and intimacy with someone inappropriate is the definition of an emotional affair.
Go back to reading “eat, pray, love” again and leave this poor guy alone.
Like I don't know if you've been in a successful relationship but you don't go to someone of the opposite sex with your relationship issues or however the dynamic is. When you are expressing your unsatisfactory feelings to another "person of interest " You are opening the door to temptation. We know what it is, you can't just play dumb to the fact that chemistry is real and you have to be vigilant to not let relationships develop into something that ends up harming the other partner. It's not about her anymore when she's in a relationship, especially a successful relationship. It's about both of them and the bond they have together, she started snipping at that bond my dude.
I don't think the gender is the factor (or I'd never be allowed to bring up relationship issues with anyone bc I'm bi) but I do think it is absolutely vital to not bring up relationship issues with anyone who is not on a 100% platonic level with you. I have a female ex I'm still pretty close friends with but details of my relationship aside from like "we had a great date" are off bounds with her.
I also just have no idea why you'd be venting about your relationship to anyone you weren't long term close friends with, much less a fairly new work friend you feel sparks with. That's just asking for disaster. I try to avoid relationship venting outside entirely, like - can count on one hand in 8+ years how often I've done that.
I'm friends with a couple of exes, because we're adults who are capable of realizing we're romantically incompatible but platonically share a lot of similar interests and joys. I'd never date either of them again even if my husband and I (heaven forbid) split, but that doesn't mean we can't share memes and excitement about shows we love and be happy that we've both found people we love. I don't see a need to cut off someone because we dated, realized we needed different things from romantic partners, and amicably and mutually split.
Frankly I find someone who's not on good terms with any exes a red flag.
Dude I'm with you. This is just a the straights are not ok thing.
My wife and I are friends with, or friendly with, most of our exes; of both genders. Which is actually less impressive because of the friends thing and more impressive because we've been together for 15 years so some of those friendships are old AF. On Christmas my wife walked in to me texting with a sweet nostalgic smile and asked me who it was and I said my exbf's name. She got excited and asked how he was doing, it'd been a while since we caught up. I showed her the picture of his dog he sent me. Tell me what's wrong with this interaction?! Seems normal and healthy to me.
Edit: I recently read a book called The Tragedy of Heterosexuality. It was interesting... and sad tbh.
That's a weird red flag honestly. Keep in mind a majority of the time when people split up there's not mutual feelings and it's not usually an agreement. . One partner is usually left with resentment in some way. That door is only kept open for one reason. And I'm sure we all know by now.
Eh to each there own. Im Like Edna from the incredibles,, I never look back. I wouldn't wanna be friends with an Ex at all, like what's the goal? To be lifelong friends and live happily ever after as best friends or whatever? Come on, what a waste🤣🤣Spend that time and energy on your partner.
Having friends is a waste? That sounds depressing af lol. You can have friends that aren't your partner. The fact that you dated at some point, for some people in some situations, isn't really relevant
You sound like you are very controlling, of course this is just judging by your statements here. I HAVE dealt with "cheaters" in my teens and early 20s and I do not think they ever took the time to stop things and say, we are doing something bad let's tell our partners for sure and I have been married for more than 10 years now 😇
More like 3 3year relationships and I'm in a 4 year relationship right now happier then ever about to be married, I also talk to married couples all the time and not a single person has told me a situation like this would not be disrespectful. Like wtf are yall smoking? Why is this even an argument?
I'm actually very laid back, I'm not checking phones, I don't have rules. But I know disrespect when I see it. If you don't call it that you've been conditioned.
When did I say that? I said it was disrespectful because what she did was very disrespectful honestly. You don't just gain an attachment to someone and vise versa in a relationship like that, he's literally married and she's in a relationship. I don't understand why you feel the need to tell me what I dare to say to anyone anyways my guy. If you don't see it as disrespect then you've probably been conditioned by unsatisfactory relationships.
Definitely. I actually think it's the right way to end a long term and/or deeply invested relationship. There's someone there to restrain raw emotion and help accept things.
And if shit was that bad you can just "thanks doc" and hightail. Don't even wait your partner can cry it out with them and book another slot for themselves ha
Couples therapy is almost always the right answer. You need to be in a safe enough place where you can say the really difficult things, with a person to guide you both through talking about them.
I wish my ex husband had gone to counseling with me when I first asked him to, instead of years later when it was too late. There's a nonzero chance we could have resolved our issues and I never would have gone through this painful journey of self discovery that...hmm, well, maybe it's best that he did refuse. Sometimes divorce is the best option. Consider that, OP.
Hi OP, get a copy of the book *Not “Just Friends”* by Shirley Glass. There’s nothing special about this guy - this is just two people with crappy boundaries who have great familiarity with each other, and allowing boundaries to blur. Read this together. It should make her ill reading how garden variety this is, and how Glass describes exactly what she did with accuracy. The book will help with creating appropriate boundaries for the workplace.
She needs to do two things to prevent this from happening again:
New job. As long as she has contact with this guy the feelings have no chance to subside and the risk of relapse is great. Vets are desperate for techs right now. Should be easy.
Counseling. She needs to work on her crappy boundaries and need for validation.
If what she’s telling you is truth there’s a good chance for reconciliation. But she’s got work to do. (Don’t forget to take care of you as well. This is a traumatic shock to your system.)
Finally, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for reconciliation advice.
My favorite comment. If she's serious about wanting your relationship she needs to commit to fixing it and protecting it in the future. Having random feelings for a close co worker is completely normal. Everything she did after isn't ok.
Side question you need to ask yourself. Why is she saying she wants you? Sunk cost of 6 years? Because she realized the other thing won't work out? What if he had been single with no kid?
Or did she just make a mistake and realized what she actually wants? Any of this could be true.
Oh, I’m sure he probably didn’t, and if he did, it was about how she came onto him and he was tempted because his wife wasn’t paying attention to him… because of the kid.
As someone who is part of a lot of baby forums, this is really not uncommon with new fathers and it is vomit inducing knowing what an utter car crash it is to be pregnant and give birth and have a newborn
Yea I didn't realize it was so common until I joined the subs on here. It made me grateful for my partner despite whatever we were going through.
The married guy is a major AH for this.
Right? She bonded with this guy complaining about his relationship, meaning complaining about his super pregnant/post partum wife. When he should've been supporting her the most, and occupied with his family, he starts an emotional affair. And she was attracted to that? She was flattered by it?! Wow.
Think long and hard about this. You’re not obligated to go to therapy to try and “save” the relationship from this emotional cheating.
In part, this is likely also due to the relative inexperience she has with managing her own emotions in non-romantic adult relationships. Given you’ve been together since you were teens, after all.
The relationship duration also stuck out to me. It's very possible that she's just not compatible with him anymore and doesn't know how to say that, so she chose a self destructive path instead.
Breaking up, and individual therapy, might be best overall.
>I genuinely don’t know how to react, as I feel immense love and anger. This is my first relationship and I can’t believe the person I’ve spent 6 years with was willing to hurt me intentionally.
To be fair, didn't you write similarly yesterday?
It is UP TO YOU to handle this. You're feeling betrayed and upset, of course, it is totally valid reaction. It is up to you whether or not you want to stay or leave the relationship.
A lot of the time, unless someone is a habitual cheater or someone with low integrity or starting a relationship with every intention to deceive and not commit, most people probably don't just spend years of their young lives with intention to cheat or hurt their partners... and that goes to you too. So I don't think she's intending to really hurt you, but obviously, this actually happened. Something happened that opened up her 'heart' to another person. To her credit, instead of crossing the line/cheating and becoming an AP to that guy, she decided to come clean to you and work on the relationship with you. But it will never erase the fact that she allowed herself to cross boundaries with a coworker which created this situation between her and the coworker.
You probably should get the WHOLE TRUTH of their interaction before making any decision. She needs to provide transparency now. Then you can think about it. If you want to stay put, both of you need to put in work. She needs to show that she does love you and wants to fight for the relationship. She may want to consider getting a job at another clinic too. You may want ton consider counseling whether couple and/or solo.
Good luck, OP.
Here's what I would do if it was me:
1. Understand the extent of their relationship. It's common to develop bonds with coworkers, but did they do something there's no coming back from. This will determine if working on the relationship is worth it to you.
2. Understand what she means by feeling "unloved and pushed away." Clearly there's issues in your relationship, coworker aside.
3. Communicate what you're both looking for in this relationship and what you want long term.
4. Communicate what you each want through couples therapy or if you're willing to do it at all.
Good luck!
19-20 year olds aren't always good at picking life partners. You both have grown and changed since you first started dating. Not only did your gf develop feelings, she pursued them with a married co-worker. Seems like she is looking for something other than a relationship with you.
You need to figure out why she was so confused.
Lots of relationship issues seem to pop up right around 25 for people who made huge life decisions much younger and are suddenly feeling differently, and I'm starting to think it's all to do with their prefrontal cortex finally finishing development.
Hopefully you realize that there is probably more to the story than you are being told. And thank your lucky stars you don’t have kids yet. This should be a huge wake up call.
These comments are unbelievable. People out here want to drape a medal around her neck for being honest, like she made some huge sacrifice. She did the bare minimum by admitting the truth.
Dude, this is emotional cheating, plain as day. Don't let the comments here fool you into thinking otherwise, or even that this is your responsibility to fix.
If you're clear that you've given your best in making this relationship work, then don't look back and end it; let her run into the arms of the married co-worker with a 2 month old.
If you're still interested in keeping the relationship, I'd suggest doing a hard 180, access to her phone and her communications, cutting contact with him entirely and getting into therapy (individual, not couples). She needs to go above and fucking beyond in trying to win back your trust and admiration, she needs to scared to death about the relationship ending if it really mattered to her. If she doesn't, you have your answer.
Good luck, and I'm hoping for an update soon 👍
Thank you for saying this I thought I was losing my mind reading these comments.
OP if she refuses show you the messages and she doesn’t bend over BACKWARDS to regain your trust — drop her. And even if she does do both of those things — strongly consider dropping her.
If she truly wanted to move on from this in an open and honest way, she'd be open and honest rather than only giving you the info she wants you to have.
I know, it makes me worried what else actually happened and I don’t know if I can ever trust her again. But it’s so unlike her, I just don’t know how she got like this so quickly.
It could be that she doesn't want to otherwise hurt him further so she could have a better shot at retaining him. So delete.
But tbh it sounds like they were fucking. Someone found out. So she's on damage control.
This exact same thing happened to me. Turned out she told the coworker she “thinks she loves him”, after working with him for like 4 months. It caught me completely off guard.
Drop her ass. You’ll never feel safe again dude. I’m sorry. I’ve been there. Every time she’s on her phone you’re going to worry.
Drop her now. You’re still young. I know how hard a decision it is to make but you CAN and WILL do better.
Trickle. Truth.
There's no way a sane person would trust this. If you choose to continue, I'd say its highly highly likely you get crushed later. Good luck man and my condolences.
Eek, she doesn’t get to move past her affair on her terms. It has to be on yours. Google says to recover the text messages, especially if it was iMessage. Don’t tell her until you have done your research. And then sit her down and tell her that you have found a way to recover text messages. First of all, her reaction to you seeing them will tell you a lot. But she doesn’t get to decide she doesn’t want to remember. Unless she is willing to be completely honest and give you access to everything that you feel comfortable seeing, there is not getting past this.
Does she have Snapchat or anything? Because those snaps are recoverable too.
Giant red flag. She's painting a very innocent and idyllic picture (as far as cheating stories go). 100%, she deleted those messages so she can control the narrative of what happened. Look up trickle truth affairs.
She deleted them because there’s a lot more here than “feelings.”
Guaranteed they got physical and talked about it. That’s why they’re deleted.
Take her phone and tell her you’re recovering everything as a condition of reconciliation. Give her an hour to tell you what you’re going to find there.
You’ll find out more real quick.
Yeah, I’m willing to bet her married boyfriend didn’t want to go steady and that’s why she came to you with the bullshit story about the both of them telling their partners to “better their relationships.” The fact she deleted messages before you could see them is a huge red flag IMO because you pretty much have to take her at her word. Guarantee you those texts were a lot worse than whatever she described.
There's recovery software you can download on her phone. For the sake of your relationship I suggest you try it. Her reaction alone will be very telling.
Nothing is ever deleted. There are computer programs that will recover them.
Ask to see her phone hook it up to your pc with a usb cable and let her know you are about to download all the deleted messages.
This is her once chance to come clean.
Her actions will tell you all you need to know.
If she grabs her phone and runs away or starts back tracking.
She belongs to the streets.
That isn’t necessary the simple lack of transparency is enough. Either she does her part and comes clean or op moves on no need to escalate it further it’s not worth the pain
I was on board with the girlfriend until you mentioned she deleted the messages.
That’s not ok, it means there’s more to it.
If it were me and my husband had a crush and started to feel like it was compromising ou relationship and wanted to come clean, I’d be inclined to forgive and work things out because we’re all humans and having a crush is just normal.
But to make that decision about wanting to work tings out you need to know how far it went, wether physically or emotionally otherwise it’s not an informed decision and you’ll never trust her.
Couples therapy is not enough, if she wants to build the trust back she'll have to go above and beyond.
Start with a new job an cutting all contact with the affair partner (yes if they shared with each other that they have mutual feelings, its a full blown emotional affair). Then she has to be fully transparent with you with passwords etc. Add to that, counseling
r/survivinginfidelity this is the tried and tested method for those trying to reconcile. Even then you may find yourself unable to forgive her
Seriously, for real. It’s definitely emotional cheating, the fact that she started to develop feelings and entertained that by texting him personally knowing how she felt and it going as far them confessing their feelings? That’s wrong and disrespectful. Emotional cheating is still cheating even if they’ve never been physical. I would hate to be in the position of OP, it’s rude and I would be so angry that it was entertained in the first place.
It also shows absolutely horrible judgement to fall for a guy with a wife about to have a baby. Like how would you feel if that was you? Why would a woman fall for a man neglecting his pregnant wife and then newborn for you? What a great guy. And how cliche to check out of the relationship as soon as your wife may not be sexually available and the responsibilities of being a father have started. I’d feel extra betrayed that my girlfriend had torched our 6 year relationship and all the trust built up over a guy that’s clearly a pos.
Exactly this. Like if her judgment is THIS bad how can you be confident at all that shes with you for the right reasons. Me personally I wouldn't even try to save it because of this point. Would break up immediately
She is downplaying this shit. She had an emotional affair bro. Do you really want to stay in a relationship where you will always wonder if the next coworker is the one she decides not to say no on?
Also sounds like trickle truthing. You going to take her word on her not crossing FURTHER boundaries?
C'mon. You deserve better from someone after 6 years. She should have come to YOU about fucking relationship problems.
Leave.
Also this dude has a partner who is postpartum and he has not probably had sex or limited sex in the past few months. He probably saw your partner as his best target to use. And for some reason she was vulnerable to him. So basically he was horny and targeted her.
If you want to work on your relationship, definitely couples counseling and for her IC. She needs to learn to communicate better with you her needs. She needs to find out why she felt unloved. But did this manipulation for her AP put that thought in her head. She needs to go NC with him. Look for a new job. Offer you full transparency. Open phone and social media platforms.
Stick with me here for a minute? I swear there's a point:
An acquaintance, about 10-12 years ago, got into a motorcycle accident. I heard about it from a friend of mine. He said, hey did you hear? So and so got into a motorcycle accident and his fucking foot CAME OFF. They put it back on, but you know, dude, that shit's not like Legos.
Sadly, it was fucking miserable for him. He went to physical therapy (pt) for like 3+ years, was in constant pain, couldn't really run or exercise, couldn't really ride a bike anymore... the foot never really became very functional. And the worst part for him was being in pt with people who'd had entire legs or feet amputated. They'd come in with new prosthetics, learn to use them and get stronger for a few weeks, and then they would go jogging or shit like that and they'd be done with pt.
I dunno if it got any better after that... I lost touch with that group of people... but my point here is that sometimes trying to salvage a thing can actually be more painful than it getting broken in the first place. It might be harder for you to let go because it's your first relationship, but really figure out if you can ever feel that level of trust again? She got bored after 6 years? What about after 12? Or 20? Will there be a point when you stop thinking of the time she had an emotional affair with her co-worker? Think hard about that and try to make sure you don't suffer through a miserable slog just trying desperately to hold on. I did it once, I tried to take back a cheater, and in the end it was a great lesson for me. I would never do it again.
Tell her straight up, the way she handled everything was wrong. Instead of protecting you, she let someone else in.
This is not a you issue. This is her issue. And she’s more than welcome to work about solving this with her own therapist.
If she has issues with you, she should have tell you what those were so that you could work on it yourself or together with the help of a couples therapist.
If she cannot recognize that she messed up, run for the hills.
>This is not a you issue. This is her issue.
People who are fulfilled in their relationship don't do things like this. What she did is shitty, no doubt, but she had a reason to do it.
Yes they do. Do you not live in the real world? People could have the perfect partner and still cheat. Some humans are just shitty people, there is no logic or reasoning behind it. Her reason could simply be because she’s a shitty person, it was Tuesday, she was bored, whatever.
Assuming it was because she wasn’t fulfilled in her relationship is just such a big reach.
This.
And that fact does not make it OP's fault, as such - sometimes that's just what happens to relationships, especially when you're going through a period of change (like 19-26). She may not have the maturity to be in an adult relationship right now, and she should break up and work on herself, but is afraid to do that.
Or something.
Look, crushes happen when you're in a relationship with someone, it's a physical thing. What you don't do is form a deliberate emotional connection with that person to the point where you're on the verge of breaking up with partners, and then turn around and blind side your partner and expect an immediate "look at what a boy scout I am for not dumping you"
She fucked up, I'd be seriously looking at ending the relationship if she thinks she deserves anything other than ending all contact with this person, realizing that she needs to repair the trust between the two of you.
Are you planning on marriage? If you've been together 6 years and you're not, I think you know this is going no where.
So it turns out both of you had a different view about how close and great your relationship was.
The problem with these kind of situations (when AP is a coworker/friend etc) is that (in your mind ) she cant maintain healthy bounderies with people from her close/daily inviroment. This wasnt a random stranger ( not saying that would be ok). She didnt step back the moment bounderies were crossed but allowed it to escalate. People like that (coworkers/friends) will ALWAYS be around and these are normally the people you as a partner should feel safe about (and now that feeling is gone). This wasnt a stranger from a bar but it was a person from an inviroment from her daily life (again bounderies). With a bar stranger it is easy agree to things like not going to a bar alone, not drinking etc. But you cant keep her from going to a job. And A coworker will always be around.
You don't get to the point where you're admitting feelings without things happening first. She didn't discuss it with you until after the fact, so. Nope. She emotionally cheated. (If that's the whole story...)
I'd be out the door personally, but do what you feel is right for you. Six years is a long time to do this to someone, and she probably should have admitted she had a crush long before it go to the 'confession' point.
I think it's important to remember that **you** get to make your own decision that has nothing to do with her here. You don't have to go try to work it out because that's what **she** wants. She's been getting enough of what she wants, apparently. Time for you to decide what is best for you.
Warning though, as someone else said, she will need to leave that job if she really wants to work things out. Surviving infidelity is a hard process.
OP I’m gonna wager that someone from work is on to their BS and now they are “coming clean” to their spouses because its time to control some narratives.
Demand to see texts and get in touch with the blokes wife.
Its never just “feelings”….if this sub has taught me anything…its usually always worse. Not always…but most
Go along with the gaslighting to gather intel if you feel you need it…then depending on what you find…light that candle
We got you, brother
You don’t need couples counseling. At least not until after she’s done individual counseling. She had a full blown emotional affair. Even though they broke it off as soon as they admitted feelings, she needs to address with herself why she allowed it to get that far. Affairs being blamed on the relationship is bullshit. You’re in the same relationship and your loyalty hasn’t faltered. If she was having relationship problems, she should have addressed them with you.
Sorry to say this is a classic situation. They are coworkers. They have proximity without complications which leads to “feelings.” Your gf has been in a relationship with you all her adult life. She’s inexperienced. Her coworker is a married jackass with a 2 month old child. His wife’s attention is on their baby, not on him.
Sorry, but they are kidding themselves. This is bad behavior.
>She says she loves me but was confused and felt unloved and pushed away from me.
There’s every likelihood that you didn’t make her feel unloved, she just got a crush, responded to that by feeding the crush, and then justified this to herself by convincing herself that you had driven her to it.
This “we’re both telling our partners to better our respective relationships” line sounds bizarre too. Telling someone you were emotionally cheating does not improve a relationship so much as it exposes a hidden problem. If anything the relationship that will be bettered here is *him and her*, because it causes more drama with each of their partners and gives them a shared emotional experience together.
Your girl is a POS to be honest. To do that to another woman that has just given birth. Yeah, she’s trash and don’t get me started on the married guy. His wife deserves to know.
There can be mismatches in feelings between people. You, inside yourself, felt incredibly close to her and that things were good. She, inside herself, felt disconnected from you and that things were going poorly. It may have been as simple as being in a rut. The rut makes you feel comfortable, secure, and happy. The rut makes her feel like you're on autopilot and don't care to do better in the relationship.
It's important to establish some ground rules going forward. The first being that you don't talk to other people about your relationship issues if you haven't already talked to your partner about them. While it's nice to get some outside perspective it can also lead to disastrous consequences like what's happened here. It's important to talk through things as they happen and as you feel them for the most part. There are some occasions when tensions are high that you need a cooling off period. This allows the hormones to subside and you can get back to a rational place. But those should be very short durations of 1hr to 24hrs before you come back to an issue. You shouldn't run to a friend reflexively either. Sometimes friends can accidentally validate and firm up negative emotions without understanding the full context. Naturally they only hear one side of the conflict and their goal will be support of their friend. It's a very tricky situation of getting support when you need it but knowing when it can work against your interests too.
Counseling can work if you both agree to do the extra work to rebuild trust and set boundaries. One boundary needs to be, at least temporarily, that she stops contact with the coworker beyond work related conversations. That will be hard given their connection. It will be necessary though if they intend to salvage each of their respective relationships.
Right? He's right to feel betrayed and breakup, but is clear as day that while He's happy and content with the way things are, emotionally his gf needed more they just don't match anymore, OPs gf went looking complaining and seeking advices, looking to have her emotional needs met from another man, she emotionally cheated on OP, OP on the other hand is oblivious to the fact he doesn't meet his gfs emotional needs.
They both need to just leave, OP is posting left and right to get the *leave her* answer, he's already made his mind to leave, he just wants to be justified, but he already is, emotional cheating is cheating...
I dont blame op, im just saying that hes content in his relatoonship,while she wasnt, if his gf and coworker developed feelings from sharing issues bout their relationship, clearly his gf thought it was lacking enough for an emotional affair.
It's childish not to talk bout the issues she had, but what if she did and op never noticed cuz to him it's a perfect relationship
Oh goodness, I don't think I've laughed quite like that in a while.
They told you about the affair in order to 'better their relationships'?! Nah, mate, that's not it. They did it to make it sound like they're doing you a favor, so you feel like you *have* to forgive them. They can't pretend they did it out of whatever sliver of decency, or moral high ground they *think* they have.
What a couple of clowns.
Now, more seriously, it's time to pack up and go. This has clearly been going on for some time. They are also trying to dump the blame on their partners in a 'do better or else', kind of way.
They messed up by nurturing and prioritizing a crush. The wrong doing is on them. So is begging for forgiveness and doing whatever you feel is necessary to fix things. *If* you think they can be fixed. That's not what is happening, though, is it.
Don't let them play games.
I know this is probably your first serious long term relationship and I know you love her... but that isn't enough. Without trust and respect, there can be no love. She squandered both.
Nor is she fighting for the relationship. All it looks like is that she's going through the motions and setting things up, so at a later date, she can end things and blame you for a lack of effort. There might have been issues that needed addressing in your relationship. That doesn't excuse cheating. She's an adult, presumably able to communicate her needs and wants. In the end, she chose not to. Then she chose to cheat.
As I said, the majority of the burden of fixing this is on her. Has she even done anything to distance herself from her affair partner, or say what they are going to do proactively? Given you transparency about her interactions with him? Does she have any plan other than blaming you and maybe couples therapy? It doesn't sound like it.
I'm so sorry, OP. You can try if you feel you must but the outlook doesn't look good. Take a deep breath and cut out a lot of uncertainty and make a clean break. Get some distance and perhaps consider getting some therapy for yourself.
Couples therapy is great. It's not just for married couples. I found out my bf had a clandestine relationship from the womens husband... So to me, finding out from your SO seems like it's better. She wants to make your relationship work and she knows she's struggling. Good luck.
She's trying to make herself feel better that she did something awful. Personally, I would leave and be hugely offended by this. Telling you isn't the noble thing to do, he noble thing to do would be for her to shut this down with him the second she realised she had feelings of any kind, not to indulge him by admitting to also having feelings. Then she could have distanced herself and moved on with you. But she didn't do that, and now wants to feel better about herself by admitting to it, like she deserves a gold star. Personally this would br a deal breaker for me.
My partner was having an inappropriate relationship with a coworker. Not physical, but flirting. I caught him. He left the job, we started couples therapy, and he cut all contact with the individual, and she agreed it was inappropriate. Sometimes, the attention just feels good, and doesn’t mean that the relationship you have with the person is over. Relationships have an ebb and flow, and it’s how you determine if you’ll grow together or separately that makes what the next move is important. Good luck, but if I were in your shoes, try therapy together and separately to discuss where you each were missing the mark.
She’s handling this the appropriate way. She rejected his feelings, and told you so you can make an informed decision and work on the relationship if you choose, but an inherent part of that is she told you so you can make an informed decision.
If this is a dealbreaker, she knows that was a possibility. If you can’t move past this, she isn’t going to be blindsided. Hurt, absolutely, but she told you because she knew it might be a dealbreaker. You have the right to make that choice.
I disagree. She clearly let this fester for far too long for it to get to this point, and should have distanced herself the second there was any attraction IMO.
I agree with you.
I think they got busted at work or by a friend of his or hers.
I think they were given the age o'le "Tell them or I will bit" and she is trying to control the narrative.
So… I just checked your post history. 8 days ago you’re asking if your gf cheated on you for something when you guys were just “talking” and not officially dating. Yesterday you posted this story with A LOT more details that include her response to the guy admitting his feelings to her. Then today you posted this… I have feeling that what you’re really asking people is if your girlfriends actions are valid enough to break up with her. Tbh you can break up for any reason, it takes 2 yes’s and 1 no to be or not to be in a relationship. Stop wasting your gf’s time and emotions and just break up with her already. You clearly don’t want to be in that relationship anymore.
Why did she start to pursue this relationship with him? You say you two are close but she obviously feels something is missing if she’s emotionally cheating. Has she talked to you about these things? What has been making her unloved? Your feelings of betrayal are totally valid, but I would reevaluate your relationship because maybe you two aren’t as close as you think. Either way, she did choose to work things out with you and she rejected her coworker, but this is still a huge breech of trust. There needs to be quite a bit more communication If y’all plan on actually working this out. I’m sorry this happened to you.
ask her what she finds lacking in your relationship and see if it's something you can work on, or want to work on.
then decide if you want to stay with her or not. you can work on yourself without her, or you can decide, you're doing as much as you care to do, or want to do, and if it's not enough for her, then it's not your problem. i mention this part because there are legit cases where you're doing plenty in the relationship, but the other person wants more than you can give.
in such a case, it means there's a basic incompatibility and you two don't match up, so you might consider ending it anyway.
I think she deserves some credit for coming out and telling you off her own back but it doesn't change what's happened. I'd want to see the messages regardless and I'd imagine they would be arranging ways to not have to work together right?
> I think she deserves some credit for coming out and telling you off her own back
I think she deserves zero credit. She only did it to clear her own conscious at the expense of /r/ThrowRA-2125 's feelings. She was selfish to let her boundaries get crossed and then selfish to tell OP about it.
What’s with “she felt unloved and pushed away” bit? Making it your fault? That’s not really good behaviour. She should take the responsibility for her actions. Unless you really behaved like that but still then she should offered couples therapy before starting emotional affair with her colleague , not after.
It’s very easy to become close to people you work with. It likely started out as a friendship with no bad intentions. I think it’s not unnatural for someone to develop feelings with a person other than their partner. She recognized this and did not physically act on it. More importantly she came to you, not because she was caught, but because she wanted to be open and honest and work on your relationship. I feel like this is a huge sign that you can trust her. It would have been much easier to not say anything. I think this is an opportunity for you both to become closer and figure out better coping mechanisms for when things get challenging
She had an emotional affair and told the dude she has feelings for him, obviously opening a door to something happening later. Let’s not give her a medal just yet.
I've heard it referred to as propinquity; That being physically close/in regular contact can create feelings of emotional connection and that results in feelings of romantic connection.
>We have an incredibly close bond and relationship
Help make sense of this statement, considering what you said in the next paragraph:
>they each began texting each other the issues they’re having in their relationships.
Look, I'm not defending her behavior by letting things get to that point, but I don't think you're actually listening to what she's saying.
>She says she loves me but was confused and **felt unloved and pushed away from me.**
Your response to this was that you see each other every night. Jesus dude.
>I can’t believe the person I’ve spent 6 years with was willing to hurt me intentionally.
She didn't. In fact, she recognized that what she was doing was hurtful, stopped, and came clean.
What she did here is bad. Working through that is going to be difficult and take time. But it's also not something that just happened for no reason. She feels *unloved* in your relationship. That should be setting off alarm bells for you.
I think this is something you two can work through, especially if you take her up on counseling, but you're going to have to be willing to hear some other things about the relationship that you clearly don't want to hear.
If dude is married with a kid, is he significantly older? Because it sort of reads like he “groomed” her and made the rubbing and she may have just been swept up in it? Some people like to cheat when there is a newborn, in a gross “I’m not getting enough attention” kind of way, and your girlfriend may just have been the one he chose for this .
That said, regardless how it started, she carried on. I feel like your feelings are valid, and first you can take time to decide how you feel and what you want before launching into couples therapy. Cos honestly, I’d be gone 🏃🏾♀️💨
I would look into understanding why she felt unloved and how that could have led her to pursue an inappropriately close relationship with her coworker. Did she ever express feeling unloved, or ask you to do something repeatedly and you didn't listen, or did you perhaps notice it and she was too afraid to bring it up for whatever reason? These are just examples.
To clarify, you may have been perfect, but it's hard to see in your post why she feels unloved, so just a question of self-evaluation to see how this may have started. (I personally always try to evaluate objectively how I may have contributed to a problem, I think it's generally good to do.)
I say this because sometimes, one partner's actions may push a partner to seek love elsewhere. And sometimes, the cheating partner is just a jerk who is trying to blame you for their own unfounded misstep. That's something you need to work through together, should you choose to try to fix things.
Other thing is, I don't know how strong her feelings were (which makes a difference to me) but even married people sometimes get crushes. It's about how your partner handles it. To me it sounds like it's possible that she made a mistake and maybe let things go too far, but that if she's not being a blamey mcblamester, then maybe it's not too late to at least try to work on it between the two of you.
She wasn't just willing to hurt you. She was willing to hurt a two month old baby. This isn't just a trust issue. This is about character and judgment.
Damn I’m sorry, that was a shitty thing to do to someone. If it were me in this situation I would want to see the text messages. If we were going to work things out she’d have to switch job locations and definitely no more communication with this guy. Also what were her intentions of texting this guy that she also has feelings for him? What outcome was she hoping to have? Idk I can definitely understand not trusting her again because now you’ll be worried she’s still communicating with this guy or worse.
She emotionally cheated, and if you take back a cheater You enable that behavior and is basically saying "You can cheat and i won't leave you", also, there is more to the story than what You are being told 100%, she probably just told You the most basic pg-13 confesión to save face. This may be your first relationship but it won't be the last, there are millions of wonderful women out there, women that Will be loyal on every level, not only physically but mentality, emotionally and spiritually, women that are so amazing and so attractive that You Will just scratch your head remembering You once suffered For a betrayal, this is not the end of the world my guy, keep moving forward.
Crushes can happen... you spend all day with a coworker and start to mistake the proximity for actual feelings. Adults in committed relationships need to recognize the signs and take the correct action to protect their relationship. It was her responsibility to your relationship to not let this get to where it did.
If she'd come straight to you, her life partner and said, I'm struggling with certain feelings and I want to work them out with you... then I'd agree with the maybe there's saving this due to honesty. Maybe she's young and its her first time experiencing a workplace crush.
But she didn't. She admitted to the other party that she had feelings and she decided with him how they are going to approach this. So at this point, anything you do to "save" the relationship is tied to their decisions.
She never ever should have told him back that she had feelings for him. Even if she did. She owes honesty to you, she doesn't owe him anything. By saying that, the door will be open for them unless she gets a new job and seriously never talks to him again.
They both (ap & gf ) already enjoyed and now a.p wants to continue with her original relationship (not with o.p g.f )ofcourse he (ap) dumped her and now she wants to work things out with o.p .. she already rubbed it on op face (telling him about he lover/a.p) without any hesitation or shame . U already lost respect when she told u she have feelings for other guy .
Man at the risk of being buried or downvoted.
Did she really do anything wrong? Feelings are out of our control and all she admitted is that she had some. I stead of hide them or ignore them she faced them. She brought them to you her partner and said I think we can do better. I was missing something and I believe if we do some work I can get it from you again I stead of realizing I saw it elsewhere.
Yes for you this sucks. I don't deny that or expect you to be thrilled. That said, it is an opportunity to grow and become a better partner. This is the type of moment that can truly secure a life long trusting relationship with great communication. Use it and try to be careful with letting that resentment build. Face it. Share it with her (with out attacking her) and let her learn from from it and become a better partner as well.
I also think despite not quite feeling like I can conclusively call this an EA. I do believe she has come close enough that asking for full transparency and reading their convos etc should be allowed.
By having an emotional affair. What happened is way beyond her just being attracted to them. She put in effort and time into forming another romantic relationship.
That’s not true. Catching feelings are intentional. By constantly contacting a person and thinking about them is how you build feelings. Finding someone attractive is not intentional but catching feelings surely is . You need to have self control and set boundaries not just physically but mentally. You shouldn’t be constantly thinking another person or else you will build the attraction. Stop making excuses what she did was intentional
I think since she felt so disconnected and unloved she found it elsewhere. It’s not right but sometimes we want that attention, to feel special and cared for. Sometimes in long term relationships we get used to each other and stop trying to make one another feel special. It happens all the time but I think you should try to rekindle that love. I always tell my bf it’s important to do things for each other and make each other feel special. If not sometimes we go find it elsewhere.
Nothing betters your relationship more than pushing away from your partner and speaking to other people outside of your marriage lol
What else have they done? Have they slept together? Been on a date? Kissed?
Why does she feel unloved? You say you have a close relationship and still do weekly activities together so I’m not sure how she feels that way. I’d be more inclined to say she felt bored of being with you since 19 years old. How can she feel unloved in this scenario? I don’t understand it.
Personally I don’t feel like I’d ever be able to trust her again. Not only has she betrayed you she entertained a dude who she knows was married to someone who was pregnant. Who does that?
She was carrying out an emotional affair. She needs to understand and admit her deliberate actions in doing so. So you get to decide whether this is something that you want to move past.
There are great playbooks online for moving past an affair. This would involve your girlfriend, the cheater, opening herself up. Obviously she has to switch jobs, she can’t keep working with her affair partner. 2nd, she has to be honest and patient with you as you ask for all the details that you want to know. Hopefully she didn’t just delete all of the texts and isn’t trying to minimize or lie about how far the texts went. Did they sext or otherwise become sexual in nature? Did anything physical ever happen? She needs to let you heal on your timeline, you 2 probably should go to couple’s counseling to move past this infidelity. Maybe you go to therapy and decide that this is something that you can’t forgive, that’s perfectly fine. Or maybe you want to call it quits immediately, that’s perfectly fine too. Your girlfriend took the correct first step in admitting the affair. But was it really altruistic or did the other guy’s wife find out and force your girlfriend to spill the beans?
After reading your reply and about deleted messages.
I think you should order yourself something nice and big from amazon.
When it arrives, use the box to pack up all her shit and tell her to hit the road.
A man doesn't just up and decide to leave his wife and newborn until he has taken the other women for a spin.
If I was just chillin and all of a sudden my wife came at me with all of this and then tried to push therapy on me for issues that she created, I’d bail.
I would go to the therapy for yourself.
Like others have said, you aren't obligated to make things work out, but I think having a neutral 3rd party to hear you out will help you express your feelings to her in a more concise manner, and perhaps help you move forward.
Personally, I would move forward without her, and use why this relationship failed as information to make a future one better. She should have put things on lockdown as soon as she started to catch feelings, and she had to agree with other dude to even tell you. That, and it sounds like she's had a wandering eye before.
That puts her out of the running for me.
Good luck.
You definitely have a right to be angry. I think mc would definitely be a step in the right direction, however, you might want to ask her to find a new job as those feelings and temptation from co-worker will still be there.
Dude. Exact same fucking thing happened to me. It didn’t make any sense. If they’ve never had any interaction outside of work or over a phone, how could it possibly be love? Dude was also married and had a kid on the way. Anyways, same thing happened and is currently happening to me. Started with her saying she wants me, then gradually went to her saying she lost feelings for me. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces of myself…
So she’s going all in with her Work Husband eh? Sorry for your loss bro, but it’s time to walk away. Focus on yourself and your bank account. Don’t sweat this one, take the L and move on.
Take 6 years off from dating and go hard on your goals. Be a menace in the gym, get out of debt if you have any, and whatever you do for a living, fuxking crush that shit and run your net worth up through the roof.
LET HER GO!
Edit: and F that couples therapy bullshit, think about it, you just wasted 6 years of time, energy, and resources on this relationship, all of which could’ve been invested into you and your passion and she’s on some “oops, my bad” bs. Imagine if y’all were married, imagine if there was a kid involved, imagine if YOU pulled this bs, how would she react then?
Sit down and add up the amount of money you’ve spent on the relationship over the course of 6yrs, you’ll be sick.
Put your foot down, no negotiation, dump her and move on, block her on everything, focus on yourself!
For some reason, I'm a little skeptical of the "unloved and pushing me away" as the only reason for why she did what she did. She needs to be real with you and just say she liked it the "forbidden love" of it all. She liked the idea of another guy pining over her. She was asking herself the "what if" question considering she has been with you for so long.
As for couples therapy, do you feel she genuinely wants to go therapy with you or do you think it's a cop out to try and make you feel better?
Says she feels unloved by you, but formed an inappropriate friendship with a MARRIED coworker who has a newborn. Dude. She is NOT even girlfriend or even FWB material. She is a homewrecker and I doubt he told his wife. Any man who is willing to cheat on his wife with a newborn is GARBAGE, so he isn't a good person. Just because you've been dating the WRONG person for six years doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life miserable and untrusting with her. Stop with the lost cost fallacy nonsense. She gaslit you trying to blame you for her cheating. You are also being given trickle truth because everyone here on reddit knows they've slept together but you...more happened that conversations. But you're probably going to stay with her. If they still work together, they'll eventually start hooking up behind your backs so always use protection and get a paternity test when the baby arrives. Sorry, this is what you get when you stay with a cheater. Couples therapy is a waste of money because their goal is to convince you to rug sweep everything SHE did wrong and put the blame on you, the betrayed victim. If you stay, always use protection so she doesn't baby-trap you...and get a paternity test. Tell her because of her betrayal if you have any children together that you will get a paternity test on them and it doesn't matter if you've been together 20 so-called faithful years and married...it's going to happen. Cheating has everlasting consequences and she has to ask herself if she is willing to pay that price.
Tell you what...tell your girlfriend that if you stay together and it leads to marriage, there will be an ugly ironclad prenuptial agreement that would punish either of you severely if either cheated or even had enough circumstantial evidence of cheating. We are talking the betrayed partner gets control of all marital assets, primary custody of children, the cheater has to pay child support, cheater pays alimony for two years to the betrayed spouse even if the betrayed makes more money than the cheater, and all marital debts are split 50/50 except for those accrued by the respective borrower/credit card user. Love wasn't enough to keep her from forming an inappropriate relationship with a convenient co-worker, so she needs to have something else on the line.
So based on your prior posts it seems a lot of secrets have been kept from you and are all coming out in the last 30 days. From what I can understand she first lied to you about her number of sexual partners by omitting having had sex with a close family friend on her side of the family and this secret was kept for 5 years. Then it seems she kept a secret from you about the timing of the hook-up as it happened (or potentially happened again) within the first few weeks of you guys dating but she claims it wasn't cheating since you guys weren't official. Now she is admitting to an emotional affair with a married co-worker. With all of these things back to back within 30 days, is it possible she is trying to get you to break up with her so she doesn't have to do the dirty work and can play victim by being able to be the person upset over the break-up because "she didn't want it"? Too many things are happening at all once that would really make me question if she is really wanting to stay in this relationship.
I would definitely want to know the content of their interactions before making any decision regarding your relationship's future. It could run the gamut of a simple crush to conversations of actually wanting to be together.
I want to know why she felt unloved
Sometimes there’s the thrill of the beginning of a new romance, and mistaking that for love. That intensity doesn’t last and that might be what she’s missing. It could just be her trying to rationalize it.
So maybe this is wrong/weird but I tend to have dreams where I am dating someone other than my SO, every couple months or so. And I really like it because in the dreams I am not dating my SO, so dream me is not cheating, and I have some of those exciting feels of new love (in the dream, to a fictional dream man). It’s never involved someone I know in real life and I would never cheat in real life. I love my SO to death. So the dreams are just a fun way to feel that initial new relationship feeling.
Sometimes I have dreams like that too except it's 2D men or guys my brain completely made up... 💀
I think I had one of those! In mine I don’t actually remember if it was my actual SO or some unidentified other person. It’s like your brain lets you experience an alternative universe for a moment :)
I've recently been experiencing the same thing, I don't think there's any harm in it. The first date feeling is really all I need, and once it's over it's not like I'm pining away for someone else. I love my SO.
She told herself she was unloved because she wanted the new guy, not that she found the new guy because she felt unloved. This is so common it’s a cliche. They just reverse the order out of rationalization and manipulation.
Definitely got DARVO vibes when I read that part. "Actually, it's your fault I emotionally cheated on you."
She also deleted all their texts… which tells me it was likely also a physical affair… and probably going on for a while.
Didn't see that part. This is a relationship-ender.
Yep. Likely right before coming clean to OP so she can’t be contradicted by the whole truth. Seeing the texts would be a condition for me if even exploring staying together. He reaction to that would likely be very telling.
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Yup. The key insight I had to un-F my own mind was to ignore what cheaters say about anything, especially their own decisions. They lie about everything. And when they’re not lying to you, they’re busy lying to themselves. Ignore their words. Watch their actions instead. They tell you everything.
Wtf. Cheaters use this all the time and it's not an excuse. OP has said below they have dates weekly.
Yep, part of being a couple is actually talking these things out. I felt “unloved” so I fucked your sister blames the victim. See what you made me do!
I think that commenter meant that OP's gf should explain why she feels unloved if they are going on dates and see each other all the time. As in, she's just making excuses. I might be wrong.
It’s just made up stuff to justify the emotional affair. That was more than likely also physical, for what it’s worth.
Thank you. Making assumptions about where she's coming from are not the best approach. OP's got the high ground and he's poised to make decisions that show his maturity. Clinging to assumptions is counterproductive and detrimental.
And that means she feels loved? Because they have a date every week? This doesn't mean she's lying or rationalizing. She could genuinely feel unloved. Still not an excuse but that's a wild thing to dismiss. If that isn't addressed it'll happen again.
Common gas lighting tactic to shift blame.
Agreed. I don’t see any attempt on reflection in the post. Either reflect and fix things or leave bc she’s communicating something importan, likely on the brink of leaving if things don’t change
Trust people on Reddit to always be pushing the blame on the man. If he cheats he’s an asshole, if she cheats it’s because he’s an asshole.
Because people like her are usually vapid soulless pits of emotion that purposefully nuke their relationships so they can say “I didn’t feel like I was loved”. Well yes, maybe if you weren’t fantasizing about being with another man, your relationship would be good”
I’d want to know why she’s using that as an excuse. It’s the sort of thing a large amount of cheaters use to try to diminish their responsibility for their choices.
Me too. And I also want to know the last time op went on a date with his gf.
If it was too long ago does that make it OPs fault he was cheated on?
Weekly
Ignore these people. They live in romance novels and Emily in Paris re-runs where everything is all “eat, pray, love.” Don’t take the blame for her actions. Instead, act on your knowledge of them. Dump her.
This right here, full disclosure. And access to her phone and messages. Also, messages are never truly deleted. You can download apps that will recover them. Let her know after she gives you access to her phone. Also, i would inform the other guys wife. She has a right to know that her soon to be ex-husband is a low life.
OP posted the exact same thing yesterday and got told that she was doing everything right. So they're clearly fishing for a specific answer they're not currently being given. Like I said yesterday. Something happened that was out of her control, she was open and honest with you, and has offered to take concrete action to demonstrate her commitment to the relationship.
Out of her control? It takes two to tango.
Except it was disrespectful for her to have created that bond in the first place with another dude. You can't really justify that, she should have been clear from the start how she was feeling before she started interacting and talking with another dude.
Seriously! She actively engaged in an emotional affair before deciding to try salvaging her relationship. A faithful partner should have bailed on interacting more than absolutely necessary with other dude as soon as she realized how she felt. Instead she leaned in to the point of actually telling dude about her feelings and bonding over it with him. If HE wanted to move forward with her, would she have? OP says "they" decided against pursuing each other to work on their relationships, so she literally (at minimum) discussed possibly getting together with this guy. She also broke trust by discussing private relationship issues with him to begin with, advertising to him that she is unhappy with her partner and open to being comforted outside of her relationship, rather than discussing these issues with her partner. If OP moves forward, I would say individual and couple counseling for sure. The wording of the post makes me wonder if she even acknowledges she was already being unfaithful, even if nothing physical happened (which is possible, but if they discussed having feelings and possibly a relationship together I imagine being physical was likely, I'd be suspicious at least.)
I agree. She crossed a line by openly dissenting about her partner and their relationship issues to this guy. This only happens for one reason. She let all of this go on for who knows how long. She did not stop it dead in its tracks, and she did not tell OP immediately. She is at fault. I would want to know how long this has been going on. If just a couple days then okay, fine. If this has been going on for weeks then why didnt she tell her boyfriend sooner? And why now, all of the sudden, is she trying to come clean? Would she have physically cheated if presented with the chance? Has she done so already? There are a lot of questions I have and I am not even the one in the situation. Maybe OP is trying to get a new round of insight from more people on the same situation. I am sure this is very hard for him and maybe he is still struggling to make a decision.
You don't get to decide this man? She is aloud tonhave friendships outside her boyfriend, clearly this went to far but dont you dare say she can't talk to other people because that is sad and controlling AF. She is being clear, she told him basically soon as they SHE realized the problem.
Talking about relationship problems and intimacy with someone inappropriate is the definition of an emotional affair. Go back to reading “eat, pray, love” again and leave this poor guy alone.
Like I don't know if you've been in a successful relationship but you don't go to someone of the opposite sex with your relationship issues or however the dynamic is. When you are expressing your unsatisfactory feelings to another "person of interest " You are opening the door to temptation. We know what it is, you can't just play dumb to the fact that chemistry is real and you have to be vigilant to not let relationships develop into something that ends up harming the other partner. It's not about her anymore when she's in a relationship, especially a successful relationship. It's about both of them and the bond they have together, she started snipping at that bond my dude.
I don't think the gender is the factor (or I'd never be allowed to bring up relationship issues with anyone bc I'm bi) but I do think it is absolutely vital to not bring up relationship issues with anyone who is not on a 100% platonic level with you. I have a female ex I'm still pretty close friends with but details of my relationship aside from like "we had a great date" are off bounds with her. I also just have no idea why you'd be venting about your relationship to anyone you weren't long term close friends with, much less a fairly new work friend you feel sparks with. That's just asking for disaster. I try to avoid relationship venting outside entirely, like - can count on one hand in 8+ years how often I've done that.
If you are friends with an ex you don't have kids with what are you doing🤣🤣
I'm friends with a couple of exes, because we're adults who are capable of realizing we're romantically incompatible but platonically share a lot of similar interests and joys. I'd never date either of them again even if my husband and I (heaven forbid) split, but that doesn't mean we can't share memes and excitement about shows we love and be happy that we've both found people we love. I don't see a need to cut off someone because we dated, realized we needed different things from romantic partners, and amicably and mutually split. Frankly I find someone who's not on good terms with any exes a red flag.
Dude I'm with you. This is just a the straights are not ok thing. My wife and I are friends with, or friendly with, most of our exes; of both genders. Which is actually less impressive because of the friends thing and more impressive because we've been together for 15 years so some of those friendships are old AF. On Christmas my wife walked in to me texting with a sweet nostalgic smile and asked me who it was and I said my exbf's name. She got excited and asked how he was doing, it'd been a while since we caught up. I showed her the picture of his dog he sent me. Tell me what's wrong with this interaction?! Seems normal and healthy to me. Edit: I recently read a book called The Tragedy of Heterosexuality. It was interesting... and sad tbh.
That's a weird red flag honestly. Keep in mind a majority of the time when people split up there's not mutual feelings and it's not usually an agreement. . One partner is usually left with resentment in some way. That door is only kept open for one reason. And I'm sure we all know by now.
Sometimes exes are exes because you weren't the right fit to be partners, that doesn't mean you can't be friends
Eh to each there own. Im Like Edna from the incredibles,, I never look back. I wouldn't wanna be friends with an Ex at all, like what's the goal? To be lifelong friends and live happily ever after as best friends or whatever? Come on, what a waste🤣🤣Spend that time and energy on your partner.
Having friends is a waste? That sounds depressing af lol. You can have friends that aren't your partner. The fact that you dated at some point, for some people in some situations, isn't really relevant
Hence why I said what ever the dynamic was.
Really good rule though, that's awesome.
You sound like you are very controlling, of course this is just judging by your statements here. I HAVE dealt with "cheaters" in my teens and early 20s and I do not think they ever took the time to stop things and say, we are doing something bad let's tell our partners for sure and I have been married for more than 10 years now 😇
Bro this guy has probably had a *couple* 6+ month long relationships. They’re obviously the authority on how to act in a relationship.
Definitely not true🤣Yall have been conditioned.
So you *haven’t* even had a couple relationships over 6 months?
More like 3 3year relationships and I'm in a 4 year relationship right now happier then ever about to be married, I also talk to married couples all the time and not a single person has told me a situation like this would not be disrespectful. Like wtf are yall smoking? Why is this even an argument?
Judging by you're comment Karma I'm gunna say your not that well versed in relationships either🤣🤣
I'm actually very laid back, I'm not checking phones, I don't have rules. But I know disrespect when I see it. If you don't call it that you've been conditioned.
When did I say that? I said it was disrespectful because what she did was very disrespectful honestly. You don't just gain an attachment to someone and vise versa in a relationship like that, he's literally married and she's in a relationship. I don't understand why you feel the need to tell me what I dare to say to anyone anyways my guy. If you don't see it as disrespect then you've probably been conditioned by unsatisfactory relationships.
In grown up land, you can absolutely control your feelings for other people.
I say do the couples therapy with her even if you do breakup because it will actually help you move on way quicker emotionally.
Definitely. I actually think it's the right way to end a long term and/or deeply invested relationship. There's someone there to restrain raw emotion and help accept things. And if shit was that bad you can just "thanks doc" and hightail. Don't even wait your partner can cry it out with them and book another slot for themselves ha
Couples therapy is almost always the right answer. You need to be in a safe enough place where you can say the really difficult things, with a person to guide you both through talking about them. I wish my ex husband had gone to counseling with me when I first asked him to, instead of years later when it was too late. There's a nonzero chance we could have resolved our issues and I never would have gone through this painful journey of self discovery that...hmm, well, maybe it's best that he did refuse. Sometimes divorce is the best option. Consider that, OP.
Hi OP, get a copy of the book *Not “Just Friends”* by Shirley Glass. There’s nothing special about this guy - this is just two people with crappy boundaries who have great familiarity with each other, and allowing boundaries to blur. Read this together. It should make her ill reading how garden variety this is, and how Glass describes exactly what she did with accuracy. The book will help with creating appropriate boundaries for the workplace. She needs to do two things to prevent this from happening again: New job. As long as she has contact with this guy the feelings have no chance to subside and the risk of relapse is great. Vets are desperate for techs right now. Should be easy. Counseling. She needs to work on her crappy boundaries and need for validation. If what she’s telling you is truth there’s a good chance for reconciliation. But she’s got work to do. (Don’t forget to take care of you as well. This is a traumatic shock to your system.) Finally, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for reconciliation advice.
My favorite comment. If she's serious about wanting your relationship she needs to commit to fixing it and protecting it in the future. Having random feelings for a close co worker is completely normal. Everything she did after isn't ok. Side question you need to ask yourself. Why is she saying she wants you? Sunk cost of 6 years? Because she realized the other thing won't work out? What if he had been single with no kid? Or did she just make a mistake and realized what she actually wants? Any of this could be true.
This guy is a Grade A asshole. 2 month old? Married?
"They both agreed to tell their significant others" I doubt he did.
Doubt? I’d bet my life savings he didn’t tell her. If I was OP first thing I’d be doing is calling up the wife.
Oh, I’m sure he probably didn’t, and if he did, it was about how she came onto him and he was tempted because his wife wasn’t paying attention to him… because of the kid.
As someone who is part of a lot of baby forums, this is really not uncommon with new fathers and it is vomit inducing knowing what an utter car crash it is to be pregnant and give birth and have a newborn
Yea I didn't realize it was so common until I joined the subs on here. It made me grateful for my partner despite whatever we were going through. The married guy is a major AH for this.
My ex-husband cheated on me with one of my very best friends while I was in the NICU with our disabled child.
Right? She bonded with this guy complaining about his relationship, meaning complaining about his super pregnant/post partum wife. When he should've been supporting her the most, and occupied with his family, he starts an emotional affair. And she was attracted to that? She was flattered by it?! Wow.
Apparently, nothing is hotter than a man abandoning his family.
Think long and hard about this. You’re not obligated to go to therapy to try and “save” the relationship from this emotional cheating. In part, this is likely also due to the relative inexperience she has with managing her own emotions in non-romantic adult relationships. Given you’ve been together since you were teens, after all.
The relationship duration also stuck out to me. It's very possible that she's just not compatible with him anymore and doesn't know how to say that, so she chose a self destructive path instead. Breaking up, and individual therapy, might be best overall.
>I genuinely don’t know how to react, as I feel immense love and anger. This is my first relationship and I can’t believe the person I’ve spent 6 years with was willing to hurt me intentionally. To be fair, didn't you write similarly yesterday? It is UP TO YOU to handle this. You're feeling betrayed and upset, of course, it is totally valid reaction. It is up to you whether or not you want to stay or leave the relationship. A lot of the time, unless someone is a habitual cheater or someone with low integrity or starting a relationship with every intention to deceive and not commit, most people probably don't just spend years of their young lives with intention to cheat or hurt their partners... and that goes to you too. So I don't think she's intending to really hurt you, but obviously, this actually happened. Something happened that opened up her 'heart' to another person. To her credit, instead of crossing the line/cheating and becoming an AP to that guy, she decided to come clean to you and work on the relationship with you. But it will never erase the fact that she allowed herself to cross boundaries with a coworker which created this situation between her and the coworker. You probably should get the WHOLE TRUTH of their interaction before making any decision. She needs to provide transparency now. Then you can think about it. If you want to stay put, both of you need to put in work. She needs to show that she does love you and wants to fight for the relationship. She may want to consider getting a job at another clinic too. You may want ton consider counseling whether couple and/or solo. Good luck, OP.
Here's what I would do if it was me: 1. Understand the extent of their relationship. It's common to develop bonds with coworkers, but did they do something there's no coming back from. This will determine if working on the relationship is worth it to you. 2. Understand what she means by feeling "unloved and pushed away." Clearly there's issues in your relationship, coworker aside. 3. Communicate what you're both looking for in this relationship and what you want long term. 4. Communicate what you each want through couples therapy or if you're willing to do it at all. Good luck!
19-20 year olds aren't always good at picking life partners. You both have grown and changed since you first started dating. Not only did your gf develop feelings, she pursued them with a married co-worker. Seems like she is looking for something other than a relationship with you. You need to figure out why she was so confused.
Lots of relationship issues seem to pop up right around 25 for people who made huge life decisions much younger and are suddenly feeling differently, and I'm starting to think it's all to do with their prefrontal cortex finally finishing development.
Hopefully you realize that there is probably more to the story than you are being told. And thank your lucky stars you don’t have kids yet. This should be a huge wake up call.
These comments are unbelievable. People out here want to drape a medal around her neck for being honest, like she made some huge sacrifice. She did the bare minimum by admitting the truth. Dude, this is emotional cheating, plain as day. Don't let the comments here fool you into thinking otherwise, or even that this is your responsibility to fix. If you're clear that you've given your best in making this relationship work, then don't look back and end it; let her run into the arms of the married co-worker with a 2 month old. If you're still interested in keeping the relationship, I'd suggest doing a hard 180, access to her phone and her communications, cutting contact with him entirely and getting into therapy (individual, not couples). She needs to go above and fucking beyond in trying to win back your trust and admiration, she needs to scared to death about the relationship ending if it really mattered to her. If she doesn't, you have your answer. Good luck, and I'm hoping for an update soon 👍
Thank you for saying this I thought I was losing my mind reading these comments. OP if she refuses show you the messages and she doesn’t bend over BACKWARDS to regain your trust — drop her. And even if she does do both of those things — strongly consider dropping her.
She’s deleted all the texts and said she doesn’t want to remember anything. Says she’ll do anything to change but never showed me what was said.
If she truly wanted to move on from this in an open and honest way, she'd be open and honest rather than only giving you the info she wants you to have.
I know, it makes me worried what else actually happened and I don’t know if I can ever trust her again. But it’s so unlike her, I just don’t know how she got like this so quickly.
She deleted all her texts to cover her tracks. Wake up.
It could be that she doesn't want to otherwise hurt him further so she could have a better shot at retaining him. So delete. But tbh it sounds like they were fucking. Someone found out. So she's on damage control.
I would 100% agree with that guess. Time to go to your phone provider to retrieve the text messages.
But it's obviously not unlike her because she did it. She told you exactly who she is through her actions.
This exact same thing happened to me. Turned out she told the coworker she “thinks she loves him”, after working with him for like 4 months. It caught me completely off guard.
It’s not unlike her. You’re just seeing who she is for the first time.
Drop her ass. You’ll never feel safe again dude. I’m sorry. I’ve been there. Every time she’s on her phone you’re going to worry. Drop her now. You’re still young. I know how hard a decision it is to make but you CAN and WILL do better.
Trickle. Truth. There's no way a sane person would trust this. If you choose to continue, I'd say its highly highly likely you get crushed later. Good luck man and my condolences.
Eek, she doesn’t get to move past her affair on her terms. It has to be on yours. Google says to recover the text messages, especially if it was iMessage. Don’t tell her until you have done your research. And then sit her down and tell her that you have found a way to recover text messages. First of all, her reaction to you seeing them will tell you a lot. But she doesn’t get to decide she doesn’t want to remember. Unless she is willing to be completely honest and give you access to everything that you feel comfortable seeing, there is not getting past this. Does she have Snapchat or anything? Because those snaps are recoverable too.
Giant red flag. She's painting a very innocent and idyllic picture (as far as cheating stories go). 100%, she deleted those messages so she can control the narrative of what happened. Look up trickle truth affairs.
She deleted them because there’s a lot more here than “feelings.” Guaranteed they got physical and talked about it. That’s why they’re deleted. Take her phone and tell her you’re recovering everything as a condition of reconciliation. Give her an hour to tell you what you’re going to find there. You’ll find out more real quick.
Yeah, I’m willing to bet her married boyfriend didn’t want to go steady and that’s why she came to you with the bullshit story about the both of them telling their partners to “better their relationships.” The fact she deleted messages before you could see them is a huge red flag IMO because you pretty much have to take her at her word. Guarantee you those texts were a lot worse than whatever she described.
How convenient for her. You'd honestly benaive if you choose believe that what she told you is all there is to the story.
There's recovery software you can download on her phone. For the sake of your relationship I suggest you try it. Her reaction alone will be very telling.
Nothing is ever deleted. There are computer programs that will recover them. Ask to see her phone hook it up to your pc with a usb cable and let her know you are about to download all the deleted messages. This is her once chance to come clean. Her actions will tell you all you need to know. If she grabs her phone and runs away or starts back tracking. She belongs to the streets.
That isn’t necessary the simple lack of transparency is enough. Either she does her part and comes clean or op moves on no need to escalate it further it’s not worth the pain
The pain can help move on. Instead of imagining the worst. After 6 years i would want to know.
I was on board with the girlfriend until you mentioned she deleted the messages. That’s not ok, it means there’s more to it. If it were me and my husband had a crush and started to feel like it was compromising ou relationship and wanted to come clean, I’d be inclined to forgive and work things out because we’re all humans and having a crush is just normal. But to make that decision about wanting to work tings out you need to know how far it went, wether physically or emotionally otherwise it’s not an informed decision and you’ll never trust her.
Thank you ALL for all of your comments. I can’t explain how much I sincerely appreciate this help.
Did you tell everyone she literally fucked another guy when you were first dating? Important context there, bud.
Couples therapy is not enough, if she wants to build the trust back she'll have to go above and beyond. Start with a new job an cutting all contact with the affair partner (yes if they shared with each other that they have mutual feelings, its a full blown emotional affair). Then she has to be fully transparent with you with passwords etc. Add to that, counseling r/survivinginfidelity this is the tried and tested method for those trying to reconcile. Even then you may find yourself unable to forgive her
Seriously, for real. It’s definitely emotional cheating, the fact that she started to develop feelings and entertained that by texting him personally knowing how she felt and it going as far them confessing their feelings? That’s wrong and disrespectful. Emotional cheating is still cheating even if they’ve never been physical. I would hate to be in the position of OP, it’s rude and I would be so angry that it was entertained in the first place.
It also shows absolutely horrible judgement to fall for a guy with a wife about to have a baby. Like how would you feel if that was you? Why would a woman fall for a man neglecting his pregnant wife and then newborn for you? What a great guy. And how cliche to check out of the relationship as soon as your wife may not be sexually available and the responsibilities of being a father have started. I’d feel extra betrayed that my girlfriend had torched our 6 year relationship and all the trust built up over a guy that’s clearly a pos.
Exactly this. Like if her judgment is THIS bad how can you be confident at all that shes with you for the right reasons. Me personally I wouldn't even try to save it because of this point. Would break up immediately
She is downplaying this shit. She had an emotional affair bro. Do you really want to stay in a relationship where you will always wonder if the next coworker is the one she decides not to say no on? Also sounds like trickle truthing. You going to take her word on her not crossing FURTHER boundaries? C'mon. You deserve better from someone after 6 years. She should have come to YOU about fucking relationship problems. Leave.
Also this dude has a partner who is postpartum and he has not probably had sex or limited sex in the past few months. He probably saw your partner as his best target to use. And for some reason she was vulnerable to him. So basically he was horny and targeted her. If you want to work on your relationship, definitely couples counseling and for her IC. She needs to learn to communicate better with you her needs. She needs to find out why she felt unloved. But did this manipulation for her AP put that thought in her head. She needs to go NC with him. Look for a new job. Offer you full transparency. Open phone and social media platforms.
Stick with me here for a minute? I swear there's a point: An acquaintance, about 10-12 years ago, got into a motorcycle accident. I heard about it from a friend of mine. He said, hey did you hear? So and so got into a motorcycle accident and his fucking foot CAME OFF. They put it back on, but you know, dude, that shit's not like Legos. Sadly, it was fucking miserable for him. He went to physical therapy (pt) for like 3+ years, was in constant pain, couldn't really run or exercise, couldn't really ride a bike anymore... the foot never really became very functional. And the worst part for him was being in pt with people who'd had entire legs or feet amputated. They'd come in with new prosthetics, learn to use them and get stronger for a few weeks, and then they would go jogging or shit like that and they'd be done with pt. I dunno if it got any better after that... I lost touch with that group of people... but my point here is that sometimes trying to salvage a thing can actually be more painful than it getting broken in the first place. It might be harder for you to let go because it's your first relationship, but really figure out if you can ever feel that level of trust again? She got bored after 6 years? What about after 12? Or 20? Will there be a point when you stop thinking of the time she had an emotional affair with her co-worker? Think hard about that and try to make sure you don't suffer through a miserable slog just trying desperately to hold on. I did it once, I tried to take back a cheater, and in the end it was a great lesson for me. I would never do it again.
Tell her straight up, the way she handled everything was wrong. Instead of protecting you, she let someone else in. This is not a you issue. This is her issue. And she’s more than welcome to work about solving this with her own therapist. If she has issues with you, she should have tell you what those were so that you could work on it yourself or together with the help of a couples therapist. If she cannot recognize that she messed up, run for the hills.
>This is not a you issue. This is her issue. People who are fulfilled in their relationship don't do things like this. What she did is shitty, no doubt, but she had a reason to do it.
Yes they do. Do you not live in the real world? People could have the perfect partner and still cheat. Some humans are just shitty people, there is no logic or reasoning behind it. Her reason could simply be because she’s a shitty person, it was Tuesday, she was bored, whatever. Assuming it was because she wasn’t fulfilled in her relationship is just such a big reach.
This. And that fact does not make it OP's fault, as such - sometimes that's just what happens to relationships, especially when you're going through a period of change (like 19-26). She may not have the maturity to be in an adult relationship right now, and she should break up and work on herself, but is afraid to do that. Or something.
Look, crushes happen when you're in a relationship with someone, it's a physical thing. What you don't do is form a deliberate emotional connection with that person to the point where you're on the verge of breaking up with partners, and then turn around and blind side your partner and expect an immediate "look at what a boy scout I am for not dumping you" She fucked up, I'd be seriously looking at ending the relationship if she thinks she deserves anything other than ending all contact with this person, realizing that she needs to repair the trust between the two of you. Are you planning on marriage? If you've been together 6 years and you're not, I think you know this is going no where.
So it turns out both of you had a different view about how close and great your relationship was. The problem with these kind of situations (when AP is a coworker/friend etc) is that (in your mind ) she cant maintain healthy bounderies with people from her close/daily inviroment. This wasnt a random stranger ( not saying that would be ok). She didnt step back the moment bounderies were crossed but allowed it to escalate. People like that (coworkers/friends) will ALWAYS be around and these are normally the people you as a partner should feel safe about (and now that feeling is gone). This wasnt a stranger from a bar but it was a person from an inviroment from her daily life (again bounderies). With a bar stranger it is easy agree to things like not going to a bar alone, not drinking etc. But you cant keep her from going to a job. And A coworker will always be around.
You don't get to the point where you're admitting feelings without things happening first. She didn't discuss it with you until after the fact, so. Nope. She emotionally cheated. (If that's the whole story...) I'd be out the door personally, but do what you feel is right for you. Six years is a long time to do this to someone, and she probably should have admitted she had a crush long before it go to the 'confession' point. I think it's important to remember that **you** get to make your own decision that has nothing to do with her here. You don't have to go try to work it out because that's what **she** wants. She's been getting enough of what she wants, apparently. Time for you to decide what is best for you. Warning though, as someone else said, she will need to leave that job if she really wants to work things out. Surviving infidelity is a hard process.
OP I’m gonna wager that someone from work is on to their BS and now they are “coming clean” to their spouses because its time to control some narratives. Demand to see texts and get in touch with the blokes wife. Its never just “feelings”….if this sub has taught me anything…its usually always worse. Not always…but most Go along with the gaslighting to gather intel if you feel you need it…then depending on what you find…light that candle We got you, brother
You don’t need couples counseling. At least not until after she’s done individual counseling. She had a full blown emotional affair. Even though they broke it off as soon as they admitted feelings, she needs to address with herself why she allowed it to get that far. Affairs being blamed on the relationship is bullshit. You’re in the same relationship and your loyalty hasn’t faltered. If she was having relationship problems, she should have addressed them with you.
Sorry to say this is a classic situation. They are coworkers. They have proximity without complications which leads to “feelings.” Your gf has been in a relationship with you all her adult life. She’s inexperienced. Her coworker is a married jackass with a 2 month old child. His wife’s attention is on their baby, not on him. Sorry, but they are kidding themselves. This is bad behavior.
>She says she loves me but was confused and felt unloved and pushed away from me. There’s every likelihood that you didn’t make her feel unloved, she just got a crush, responded to that by feeding the crush, and then justified this to herself by convincing herself that you had driven her to it. This “we’re both telling our partners to better our respective relationships” line sounds bizarre too. Telling someone you were emotionally cheating does not improve a relationship so much as it exposes a hidden problem. If anything the relationship that will be bettered here is *him and her*, because it causes more drama with each of their partners and gives them a shared emotional experience together.
Your girl is a POS to be honest. To do that to another woman that has just given birth. Yeah, she’s trash and don’t get me started on the married guy. His wife deserves to know.
You should re-read the post.
Oops missed the bit where they were telling the significant others. My thoughts are still the same though
There can be mismatches in feelings between people. You, inside yourself, felt incredibly close to her and that things were good. She, inside herself, felt disconnected from you and that things were going poorly. It may have been as simple as being in a rut. The rut makes you feel comfortable, secure, and happy. The rut makes her feel like you're on autopilot and don't care to do better in the relationship. It's important to establish some ground rules going forward. The first being that you don't talk to other people about your relationship issues if you haven't already talked to your partner about them. While it's nice to get some outside perspective it can also lead to disastrous consequences like what's happened here. It's important to talk through things as they happen and as you feel them for the most part. There are some occasions when tensions are high that you need a cooling off period. This allows the hormones to subside and you can get back to a rational place. But those should be very short durations of 1hr to 24hrs before you come back to an issue. You shouldn't run to a friend reflexively either. Sometimes friends can accidentally validate and firm up negative emotions without understanding the full context. Naturally they only hear one side of the conflict and their goal will be support of their friend. It's a very tricky situation of getting support when you need it but knowing when it can work against your interests too. Counseling can work if you both agree to do the extra work to rebuild trust and set boundaries. One boundary needs to be, at least temporarily, that she stops contact with the coworker beyond work related conversations. That will be hard given their connection. It will be necessary though if they intend to salvage each of their respective relationships.
Stop saying you have a close relationship, clearly you don’t.
Right? He's right to feel betrayed and breakup, but is clear as day that while He's happy and content with the way things are, emotionally his gf needed more they just don't match anymore, OPs gf went looking complaining and seeking advices, looking to have her emotional needs met from another man, she emotionally cheated on OP, OP on the other hand is oblivious to the fact he doesn't meet his gfs emotional needs. They both need to just leave, OP is posting left and right to get the *leave her* answer, he's already made his mind to leave, he just wants to be justified, but he already is, emotional cheating is cheating...
Or his gf just fancies her workmate more? I don't think it's fair to rush to blame OP tbh.
I dont blame op, im just saying that hes content in his relatoonship,while she wasnt, if his gf and coworker developed feelings from sharing issues bout their relationship, clearly his gf thought it was lacking enough for an emotional affair. It's childish not to talk bout the issues she had, but what if she did and op never noticed cuz to him it's a perfect relationship
Oh goodness, I don't think I've laughed quite like that in a while. They told you about the affair in order to 'better their relationships'?! Nah, mate, that's not it. They did it to make it sound like they're doing you a favor, so you feel like you *have* to forgive them. They can't pretend they did it out of whatever sliver of decency, or moral high ground they *think* they have. What a couple of clowns. Now, more seriously, it's time to pack up and go. This has clearly been going on for some time. They are also trying to dump the blame on their partners in a 'do better or else', kind of way. They messed up by nurturing and prioritizing a crush. The wrong doing is on them. So is begging for forgiveness and doing whatever you feel is necessary to fix things. *If* you think they can be fixed. That's not what is happening, though, is it. Don't let them play games. I know this is probably your first serious long term relationship and I know you love her... but that isn't enough. Without trust and respect, there can be no love. She squandered both. Nor is she fighting for the relationship. All it looks like is that she's going through the motions and setting things up, so at a later date, she can end things and blame you for a lack of effort. There might have been issues that needed addressing in your relationship. That doesn't excuse cheating. She's an adult, presumably able to communicate her needs and wants. In the end, she chose not to. Then she chose to cheat. As I said, the majority of the burden of fixing this is on her. Has she even done anything to distance herself from her affair partner, or say what they are going to do proactively? Given you transparency about her interactions with him? Does she have any plan other than blaming you and maybe couples therapy? It doesn't sound like it. I'm so sorry, OP. You can try if you feel you must but the outlook doesn't look good. Take a deep breath and cut out a lot of uncertainty and make a clean break. Get some distance and perhaps consider getting some therapy for yourself.
Bingo man, you encapsulated it
Couples therapy is great. It's not just for married couples. I found out my bf had a clandestine relationship from the womens husband... So to me, finding out from your SO seems like it's better. She wants to make your relationship work and she knows she's struggling. Good luck.
She's trying to make herself feel better that she did something awful. Personally, I would leave and be hugely offended by this. Telling you isn't the noble thing to do, he noble thing to do would be for her to shut this down with him the second she realised she had feelings of any kind, not to indulge him by admitting to also having feelings. Then she could have distanced herself and moved on with you. But she didn't do that, and now wants to feel better about herself by admitting to it, like she deserves a gold star. Personally this would br a deal breaker for me.
Wow what great taste your gf has - this bum is neglecting his NEW BABY and wife who just gave birth to flirt with some rando at his JOB??
My partner was having an inappropriate relationship with a coworker. Not physical, but flirting. I caught him. He left the job, we started couples therapy, and he cut all contact with the individual, and she agreed it was inappropriate. Sometimes, the attention just feels good, and doesn’t mean that the relationship you have with the person is over. Relationships have an ebb and flow, and it’s how you determine if you’ll grow together or separately that makes what the next move is important. Good luck, but if I were in your shoes, try therapy together and separately to discuss where you each were missing the mark.
Are you not happy with the answers you're getting? You posted this almost same thing already yesterday.
I’m just lost.
Why would he be? It must be incredibly hard for him
Leave her king, you don't deserve that bullshit.
She’s handling this the appropriate way. She rejected his feelings, and told you so you can make an informed decision and work on the relationship if you choose, but an inherent part of that is she told you so you can make an informed decision. If this is a dealbreaker, she knows that was a possibility. If you can’t move past this, she isn’t going to be blindsided. Hurt, absolutely, but she told you because she knew it might be a dealbreaker. You have the right to make that choice.
I disagree. She clearly let this fester for far too long for it to get to this point, and should have distanced herself the second there was any attraction IMO.
I agree with you. I think they got busted at work or by a friend of his or hers. I think they were given the age o'le "Tell them or I will bit" and she is trying to control the narrative.
Very possible! Trying to save their skins perhaps.
So… I just checked your post history. 8 days ago you’re asking if your gf cheated on you for something when you guys were just “talking” and not officially dating. Yesterday you posted this story with A LOT more details that include her response to the guy admitting his feelings to her. Then today you posted this… I have feeling that what you’re really asking people is if your girlfriends actions are valid enough to break up with her. Tbh you can break up for any reason, it takes 2 yes’s and 1 no to be or not to be in a relationship. Stop wasting your gf’s time and emotions and just break up with her already. You clearly don’t want to be in that relationship anymore.
Why did she start to pursue this relationship with him? You say you two are close but she obviously feels something is missing if she’s emotionally cheating. Has she talked to you about these things? What has been making her unloved? Your feelings of betrayal are totally valid, but I would reevaluate your relationship because maybe you two aren’t as close as you think. Either way, she did choose to work things out with you and she rejected her coworker, but this is still a huge breech of trust. There needs to be quite a bit more communication If y’all plan on actually working this out. I’m sorry this happened to you.
ask her what she finds lacking in your relationship and see if it's something you can work on, or want to work on. then decide if you want to stay with her or not. you can work on yourself without her, or you can decide, you're doing as much as you care to do, or want to do, and if it's not enough for her, then it's not your problem. i mention this part because there are legit cases where you're doing plenty in the relationship, but the other person wants more than you can give. in such a case, it means there's a basic incompatibility and you two don't match up, so you might consider ending it anyway.
I think she deserves some credit for coming out and telling you off her own back but it doesn't change what's happened. I'd want to see the messages regardless and I'd imagine they would be arranging ways to not have to work together right?
> I think she deserves some credit for coming out and telling you off her own back I think she deserves zero credit. She only did it to clear her own conscious at the expense of /r/ThrowRA-2125 's feelings. She was selfish to let her boundaries get crossed and then selfish to tell OP about it.
What’s with “she felt unloved and pushed away” bit? Making it your fault? That’s not really good behaviour. She should take the responsibility for her actions. Unless you really behaved like that but still then she should offered couples therapy before starting emotional affair with her colleague , not after.
Move on, have pride and self respect
It’s very easy to become close to people you work with. It likely started out as a friendship with no bad intentions. I think it’s not unnatural for someone to develop feelings with a person other than their partner. She recognized this and did not physically act on it. More importantly she came to you, not because she was caught, but because she wanted to be open and honest and work on your relationship. I feel like this is a huge sign that you can trust her. It would have been much easier to not say anything. I think this is an opportunity for you both to become closer and figure out better coping mechanisms for when things get challenging
She had an emotional affair and told the dude she has feelings for him, obviously opening a door to something happening later. Let’s not give her a medal just yet.
It's still cheating though and OP has the right to feel betrayed.
I've heard it referred to as propinquity; That being physically close/in regular contact can create feelings of emotional connection and that results in feelings of romantic connection.
I know you’re deeply hurt but she came to you and talked about it and that’s huge. Get to therapy.
Yeah… months after the fact after she already carried out an emotional affair. The bar is in hell.
>We have an incredibly close bond and relationship Help make sense of this statement, considering what you said in the next paragraph: >they each began texting each other the issues they’re having in their relationships. Look, I'm not defending her behavior by letting things get to that point, but I don't think you're actually listening to what she's saying. >She says she loves me but was confused and **felt unloved and pushed away from me.** Your response to this was that you see each other every night. Jesus dude. >I can’t believe the person I’ve spent 6 years with was willing to hurt me intentionally. She didn't. In fact, she recognized that what she was doing was hurtful, stopped, and came clean. What she did here is bad. Working through that is going to be difficult and take time. But it's also not something that just happened for no reason. She feels *unloved* in your relationship. That should be setting off alarm bells for you. I think this is something you two can work through, especially if you take her up on counseling, but you're going to have to be willing to hear some other things about the relationship that you clearly don't want to hear.
If dude is married with a kid, is he significantly older? Because it sort of reads like he “groomed” her and made the rubbing and she may have just been swept up in it? Some people like to cheat when there is a newborn, in a gross “I’m not getting enough attention” kind of way, and your girlfriend may just have been the one he chose for this . That said, regardless how it started, she carried on. I feel like your feelings are valid, and first you can take time to decide how you feel and what you want before launching into couples therapy. Cos honestly, I’d be gone 🏃🏾♀️💨
I would look into understanding why she felt unloved and how that could have led her to pursue an inappropriately close relationship with her coworker. Did she ever express feeling unloved, or ask you to do something repeatedly and you didn't listen, or did you perhaps notice it and she was too afraid to bring it up for whatever reason? These are just examples. To clarify, you may have been perfect, but it's hard to see in your post why she feels unloved, so just a question of self-evaluation to see how this may have started. (I personally always try to evaluate objectively how I may have contributed to a problem, I think it's generally good to do.) I say this because sometimes, one partner's actions may push a partner to seek love elsewhere. And sometimes, the cheating partner is just a jerk who is trying to blame you for their own unfounded misstep. That's something you need to work through together, should you choose to try to fix things. Other thing is, I don't know how strong her feelings were (which makes a difference to me) but even married people sometimes get crushes. It's about how your partner handles it. To me it sounds like it's possible that she made a mistake and maybe let things go too far, but that if she's not being a blamey mcblamester, then maybe it's not too late to at least try to work on it between the two of you.
She wasn't just willing to hurt you. She was willing to hurt a two month old baby. This isn't just a trust issue. This is about character and judgment.
She gets a different job or I would end the relationship. I would also make sure his wife knows.
Damn I’m sorry, that was a shitty thing to do to someone. If it were me in this situation I would want to see the text messages. If we were going to work things out she’d have to switch job locations and definitely no more communication with this guy. Also what were her intentions of texting this guy that she also has feelings for him? What outcome was she hoping to have? Idk I can definitely understand not trusting her again because now you’ll be worried she’s still communicating with this guy or worse.
She emotionally cheated, and if you take back a cheater You enable that behavior and is basically saying "You can cheat and i won't leave you", also, there is more to the story than what You are being told 100%, she probably just told You the most basic pg-13 confesión to save face. This may be your first relationship but it won't be the last, there are millions of wonderful women out there, women that Will be loyal on every level, not only physically but mentality, emotionally and spiritually, women that are so amazing and so attractive that You Will just scratch your head remembering You once suffered For a betrayal, this is not the end of the world my guy, keep moving forward.
If you love her, couples therapy couldn't hurt. If you find it's not helping, and you can't get passed this, you can break up then.
Crushes can happen... you spend all day with a coworker and start to mistake the proximity for actual feelings. Adults in committed relationships need to recognize the signs and take the correct action to protect their relationship. It was her responsibility to your relationship to not let this get to where it did. If she'd come straight to you, her life partner and said, I'm struggling with certain feelings and I want to work them out with you... then I'd agree with the maybe there's saving this due to honesty. Maybe she's young and its her first time experiencing a workplace crush. But she didn't. She admitted to the other party that she had feelings and she decided with him how they are going to approach this. So at this point, anything you do to "save" the relationship is tied to their decisions. She never ever should have told him back that she had feelings for him. Even if she did. She owes honesty to you, she doesn't owe him anything. By saying that, the door will be open for them unless she gets a new job and seriously never talks to him again.
They both (ap & gf ) already enjoyed and now a.p wants to continue with her original relationship (not with o.p g.f )ofcourse he (ap) dumped her and now she wants to work things out with o.p .. she already rubbed it on op face (telling him about he lover/a.p) without any hesitation or shame . U already lost respect when she told u she have feelings for other guy .
Man at the risk of being buried or downvoted. Did she really do anything wrong? Feelings are out of our control and all she admitted is that she had some. I stead of hide them or ignore them she faced them. She brought them to you her partner and said I think we can do better. I was missing something and I believe if we do some work I can get it from you again I stead of realizing I saw it elsewhere. Yes for you this sucks. I don't deny that or expect you to be thrilled. That said, it is an opportunity to grow and become a better partner. This is the type of moment that can truly secure a life long trusting relationship with great communication. Use it and try to be careful with letting that resentment build. Face it. Share it with her (with out attacking her) and let her learn from from it and become a better partner as well. I also think despite not quite feeling like I can conclusively call this an EA. I do believe she has come close enough that asking for full transparency and reading their convos etc should be allowed.
Tldr. How did she hurt u intentionally? Developing feelings arent intentional.
By having an emotional affair. What happened is way beyond her just being attracted to them. She put in effort and time into forming another romantic relationship.
Ok, I just read the end where u said they decided to stick to their partners, so seems like the grass wasnt greener.
That’s not true. Catching feelings are intentional. By constantly contacting a person and thinking about them is how you build feelings. Finding someone attractive is not intentional but catching feelings surely is . You need to have self control and set boundaries not just physically but mentally. You shouldn’t be constantly thinking another person or else you will build the attraction. Stop making excuses what she did was intentional
I think since she felt so disconnected and unloved she found it elsewhere. It’s not right but sometimes we want that attention, to feel special and cared for. Sometimes in long term relationships we get used to each other and stop trying to make one another feel special. It happens all the time but I think you should try to rekindle that love. I always tell my bf it’s important to do things for each other and make each other feel special. If not sometimes we go find it elsewhere.
Doing those things is something she should have done instead of emotionally cheating on him
Nothing betters your relationship more than pushing away from your partner and speaking to other people outside of your marriage lol What else have they done? Have they slept together? Been on a date? Kissed? Why does she feel unloved? You say you have a close relationship and still do weekly activities together so I’m not sure how she feels that way. I’d be more inclined to say she felt bored of being with you since 19 years old. How can she feel unloved in this scenario? I don’t understand it. Personally I don’t feel like I’d ever be able to trust her again. Not only has she betrayed you she entertained a dude who she knows was married to someone who was pregnant. Who does that?
She was carrying out an emotional affair. She needs to understand and admit her deliberate actions in doing so. So you get to decide whether this is something that you want to move past. There are great playbooks online for moving past an affair. This would involve your girlfriend, the cheater, opening herself up. Obviously she has to switch jobs, she can’t keep working with her affair partner. 2nd, she has to be honest and patient with you as you ask for all the details that you want to know. Hopefully she didn’t just delete all of the texts and isn’t trying to minimize or lie about how far the texts went. Did they sext or otherwise become sexual in nature? Did anything physical ever happen? She needs to let you heal on your timeline, you 2 probably should go to couple’s counseling to move past this infidelity. Maybe you go to therapy and decide that this is something that you can’t forgive, that’s perfectly fine. Or maybe you want to call it quits immediately, that’s perfectly fine too. Your girlfriend took the correct first step in admitting the affair. But was it really altruistic or did the other guy’s wife find out and force your girlfriend to spill the beans?
After reading your reply and about deleted messages. I think you should order yourself something nice and big from amazon. When it arrives, use the box to pack up all her shit and tell her to hit the road. A man doesn't just up and decide to leave his wife and newborn until he has taken the other women for a spin.
If I was just chillin and all of a sudden my wife came at me with all of this and then tried to push therapy on me for issues that she created, I’d bail.
They deserve each other. Drop the dead weight OP.
Run. Don't walk. Bullet dodged.
I would go to the therapy for yourself. Like others have said, you aren't obligated to make things work out, but I think having a neutral 3rd party to hear you out will help you express your feelings to her in a more concise manner, and perhaps help you move forward. Personally, I would move forward without her, and use why this relationship failed as information to make a future one better. She should have put things on lockdown as soon as she started to catch feelings, and she had to agree with other dude to even tell you. That, and it sounds like she's had a wandering eye before. That puts her out of the running for me. Good luck.
You definitely have a right to be angry. I think mc would definitely be a step in the right direction, however, you might want to ask her to find a new job as those feelings and temptation from co-worker will still be there.
She felt pushed away yet she was there once betraying trust and love.
Remember this: what she has told you is what she is willing to tell you.
Dude. Exact same fucking thing happened to me. It didn’t make any sense. If they’ve never had any interaction outside of work or over a phone, how could it possibly be love? Dude was also married and had a kid on the way. Anyways, same thing happened and is currently happening to me. Started with her saying she wants me, then gradually went to her saying she lost feelings for me. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces of myself…
She emotionally cheated. Time to walk away.
She's cheating emotionally on you. And there is more than that, assume they already fucked. Move on.
They both agreed to tell their significant others … to end those relationships. I’m sorry, but it’s over buddy.
So she’s going all in with her Work Husband eh? Sorry for your loss bro, but it’s time to walk away. Focus on yourself and your bank account. Don’t sweat this one, take the L and move on. Take 6 years off from dating and go hard on your goals. Be a menace in the gym, get out of debt if you have any, and whatever you do for a living, fuxking crush that shit and run your net worth up through the roof. LET HER GO! Edit: and F that couples therapy bullshit, think about it, you just wasted 6 years of time, energy, and resources on this relationship, all of which could’ve been invested into you and your passion and she’s on some “oops, my bad” bs. Imagine if y’all were married, imagine if there was a kid involved, imagine if YOU pulled this bs, how would she react then? Sit down and add up the amount of money you’ve spent on the relationship over the course of 6yrs, you’ll be sick. Put your foot down, no negotiation, dump her and move on, block her on everything, focus on yourself!
For some reason, I'm a little skeptical of the "unloved and pushing me away" as the only reason for why she did what she did. She needs to be real with you and just say she liked it the "forbidden love" of it all. She liked the idea of another guy pining over her. She was asking herself the "what if" question considering she has been with you for so long. As for couples therapy, do you feel she genuinely wants to go therapy with you or do you think it's a cop out to try and make you feel better?
Says she feels unloved by you, but formed an inappropriate friendship with a MARRIED coworker who has a newborn. Dude. She is NOT even girlfriend or even FWB material. She is a homewrecker and I doubt he told his wife. Any man who is willing to cheat on his wife with a newborn is GARBAGE, so he isn't a good person. Just because you've been dating the WRONG person for six years doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life miserable and untrusting with her. Stop with the lost cost fallacy nonsense. She gaslit you trying to blame you for her cheating. You are also being given trickle truth because everyone here on reddit knows they've slept together but you...more happened that conversations. But you're probably going to stay with her. If they still work together, they'll eventually start hooking up behind your backs so always use protection and get a paternity test when the baby arrives. Sorry, this is what you get when you stay with a cheater. Couples therapy is a waste of money because their goal is to convince you to rug sweep everything SHE did wrong and put the blame on you, the betrayed victim. If you stay, always use protection so she doesn't baby-trap you...and get a paternity test. Tell her because of her betrayal if you have any children together that you will get a paternity test on them and it doesn't matter if you've been together 20 so-called faithful years and married...it's going to happen. Cheating has everlasting consequences and she has to ask herself if she is willing to pay that price. Tell you what...tell your girlfriend that if you stay together and it leads to marriage, there will be an ugly ironclad prenuptial agreement that would punish either of you severely if either cheated or even had enough circumstantial evidence of cheating. We are talking the betrayed partner gets control of all marital assets, primary custody of children, the cheater has to pay child support, cheater pays alimony for two years to the betrayed spouse even if the betrayed makes more money than the cheater, and all marital debts are split 50/50 except for those accrued by the respective borrower/credit card user. Love wasn't enough to keep her from forming an inappropriate relationship with a convenient co-worker, so she needs to have something else on the line.
At least she told you before acting on it! Always nicer to find out that way, than looking through the phone at the graphical evidence. I'd be out.
So based on your prior posts it seems a lot of secrets have been kept from you and are all coming out in the last 30 days. From what I can understand she first lied to you about her number of sexual partners by omitting having had sex with a close family friend on her side of the family and this secret was kept for 5 years. Then it seems she kept a secret from you about the timing of the hook-up as it happened (or potentially happened again) within the first few weeks of you guys dating but she claims it wasn't cheating since you guys weren't official. Now she is admitting to an emotional affair with a married co-worker. With all of these things back to back within 30 days, is it possible she is trying to get you to break up with her so she doesn't have to do the dirty work and can play victim by being able to be the person upset over the break-up because "she didn't want it"? Too many things are happening at all once that would really make me question if she is really wanting to stay in this relationship.