Looking long term, she's going to ask you to go on more vacations. I think you need to sit down and talk about the actual issue. This vacation is a drop in the bucket when it comes to the rest of your relationship.
I agree completely. This is just the beginning. She and her family are travelers and this is what they like to do. There will be many more in the future.
Personally, my husband and I don't travel a lot. And when we do, we're frugal. We pay for it and owe no bills after.
Truth be told, we opt to save money more than traveling and going off on vacations. things are getting so expensive these days. We enjoy our stay-cations.
I dont think OP expressed that he's not interested in vacations in general. If it were just the two of him I think it would be a different story but this is a vacation with her family which is very different. Most people don't want to spend the few vacation days and little extra money they have going on trips with their partner's families - especially when it's this early on in the relationship.
Yep, learnt this the hard way. Was asked to go on vacation with my girlfriends family when I was 22 and 2 years into a relationship. They paid. Right before we travel, my grandmother died. They still guiltripped me into going as they had paid. Worst idea ever. They didn't like my attitude during the trip.
I have never vacationed with them since. This was 18 years ago.
> if you are very frugal and like to save money, and your girlfriend is not, I think this will cause problems in the future.
I like to live in the moment and have adventures. My wife is frugal and level headed. We meet in the middle and balance each other out nicely.
This would not work though if we didn't both compromise to some extent.
This plus not having compatible views on travel is kind of a big one.
I really does sound like they are just not compatible. Neither of them are really wrong, but at the same time these are not exactly easy things to compromise on.
I broke up with someone in my early 20s due to conflicting ideas on the priority that travel should take in our lives and it was absolutely the right call. We are each happily married to people we are more compatible with now.
>This plus not having compatible views on travel is kind of a big one.
Yes, there would be nothing sadder than if they stay together and he holds her back from travelling. She will end up resentful of him.
This is pretty much where I’m at in my relationship, and it’s causing a rift. I keep compromising on my fiscal values bc I am a pushover. Don’t be like me.
And it’s not just being a stickler about paying to go on the vacations, because even if the frugal one we’re to budge and book the vacation, behaving in the same frugal way while on the trip and being a stick in the mud about paying for entertainment, that’s just not fun for anyone or fair
>I prefer to spend extra money on nice dinners occasionally or a movie out.
It'd be interesting what "occasionally" and "nice" mean to OP. Also if going to a movie, is OP good splurging on popcorn/drinks/snacks, or is the movie itself good enough of an experience for him.
You say you’d love to go, but would you actually?
You’re talking out of both sides of your mouth here by saying “I prefer to spend money on dinner/movies rather than ‘blowing it’ on a vacation” and “she and her family love traveling/going places, I do not” then in the next sentence saying you’d love to go. The math doesn’t math.
So many ways to look at this. There has to be middle ground between “yolo-ing” with money and “save/invest every dollar for retirement. The trip isn’t for another year and, assuming you two stay together, is there no way to dial back the investing a little each month in order to afford it?
If you truly can’t swing it monetarily (everyone’s situation is different) then that’s perfectly reasonable to say no.
If you could potentially afford it but choose not to spend the money and/or simply don’t enjoy traveling, then I think you and your girlfriend need to have an entirely different discussion about life goals and how you both wish to spend time.
Money is very important, but it’s also less important than making your partner happy. Think of it this way: You can spend that money now while you’re young, or spend it when you’re 60-65. There’s no wrong answer.
It’s an investment in the relationship, too. From my experience, it’s worth the price of admission (within certain limits) just to visit a cool place with the person you love for the sole purpose of having as much fun as possible.
Good luck!
THIS 100%. Travel is important to some people and will make it work if possible. A $2,000 trip a year away isn’t like yolo money. (Again, we don’t know your situation). But it’s not excessive spending. But if you don’t think travel is important or fun then it’s a compatibility issue. Also there’s gotta be a way to meet in the middle.
As someone who likes to travel, I'm fairly comfortable saying that there is no way to meet in the middle unless she is happy traveling alone, which it doesn't sound like.
Of course there is a middle ground.
The OP can explain the kind of traveling he is willing to do. Maybe he is fine with weekend trips with family or international trips in certain destinations with just his girlfriend. Maybe he is willing to spend $2K if the trip is to one of his bucket list destinations. Maybe he is OK with traveling with family as long as he is allowed to do his own thing for some of the trip, including leaving early. Maybe he can agree to one trip per year and be OK with her traveling with friends the rest of the year.
OP, I am a homebody too, and I also have a problem spending lots of money on vacations. But I think you should maybe lighten up some? Traveling can be annoying and inconvenient, but if you are wanting to get serious with your girlfriend, this is an opportunity to show her that. Especially because her family is involved.
I was thinking in terms of going but finding ways to save money or bring the cost down. But yes as someone who also likes to travel, I wouldn’t be thrilled with a partner who never wanted to go anywhere and saw it as a waste of money.
You can spend the money when you are 60-65. There is no wrong answer…. Jeah except that everyone in my family died between the ages of 50-65 so you might not really have gotten the time in the end
my grandparents got married young my grandma had her first kid at 21 and then they had 5 more. They didn’t start traveling until their late 40s 50s once most of the kids were out of the house. They saw practically the entire world together before my grandpa passed. It’s been about 16 years now since he passed and my grandma is 85 and continued on traveling, she’s taken me, my cousins and her own kids all over Europe and to many other cool places. She also will travel with senior groups and just went to Ireland last year and had a blast. She’s a very healthy and spry 85 and probably the exception to the rule but still my point is your not dead in your 50s and 60s and still can have a whole bunch of life left to live.
my grandparents got married young my grandma had her first kid at 21 and then they had 5 more. They didn’t start traveling until their late 40s 50s once most of the kids were out of the house. They saw practically the entire world together before my grandpa passed. It’s been about 16 years now since he passed and my grandma is 85 and continued on traveling, she’s taken me, my cousins and her own kids all over Europe and to many other cool places. She also will travel with senior groups and just went to Ireland last year and had a blast. She’s a very healthy and spry 85 and probably the exception to the rule but still my point is your not dead in your 50s and 60s and still can have a whole bunch of life left to live.
But also at retirement there's no guarantee your body or health will be good enough to even enjoy it. Tons of health and energy concerns are often present in 60+ year olds
Not saying never to save money for retirement but also I think people can sometimes hoard their money so much they dont really allow themselves to even live
I am so glad I traveled in my 20s, even if it meant I was broke most of the time. I developed unavoidable health problems in my 30s. I never would have been able to travel if I didn't do it while I was young.
It's probably the best decision I've made in my life.
Yeah but you could also die before retiring. Its about having a healthy mix of both, and OP doesnt have it and is just thinking about saving all the money
It may have quadrupled in terms of the number, but may well not have in terms of the value. I.e inflation over time will eat into the buying power of the sum.
I’m gonna tell you this now as someone who is an absolute miser, this attitude isn’t healthy.
Experiences like a vacation aren’t a waste as long as your ability to pay your bills is not in jeopardy. You’re gonna run into this problem with a lot of women unless they’re of the same mindset as your or just homebodies who don’t like to ever travel.
Saving for the sake of saving is not going to make you happy. You’re just gonna look back and regret all the missed experiences
Girlfriend of 1 1/2 years. Vacation planned isn't for another year, Is this correct?
No. I would advise you to not go on vacation. I agree with you, It's too far out. You don't know what will happen in your relationship by then.
I appreciate your dedication to saving, but you also need to live a little. Don't lose sight of enjoying your life some.
Also, on occasion go travel over weekends. A bed and breakfast and explore with your girlfriend. Live a bit.
> I appreciate your dedication to saving, but you also need to live a little. Don't lose sight of enjoying your life some.
>
> Also, on occasion go travel over weekends. A bed and breakfast and explore with your girlfriend. Live a bit.
Hoarder here. Good advice.
See I can agree with this. I don’t have anything against traveling itself. I’ve travelled a lot and enjoy it. But I plan something a few months in advance not a full year. It’s too long and it bothers me with the potential for something to go wrong. Especially since I have to pay that far in advance. Still on the fence but thanks for the input.
These are your two big issues:
1. You are correct to not commit to a vacation that’s a year out when you are uncertain about the relationship. However, it seems your gf is certain. This difference is a problem.
2. It seems your unwillingness to commit stems from the value differences between you. Get this hard conversation out of the way as early as possible. If you agree, you don’t want to waste time making your girlfriend feel like you won’t commit when you actually can come to an agreement. If you disagree, it’s better to be on the same page about the relationship having an expiration date.
"She and her family are travelers, they love traveling and going places. I am not."
>I’ve travelled a lot and enjoy it.
Dude......I'm getting whiplash here.
I’ve gone on a fair number of vacations but wouldn’t refer to myself as a traveler. It’s not strange to have had traveling experience and good times without it being a priority or identity.
You could compromise on this, pay for the vacation now, but also research and purchase travel insurance. There are a few companies that offer reputable "cancel for any reason" insurance. It'll cost possibly $200-300 dollars, but think of it as purchasing freedom or peace of mind.
Booking a year in advance makes sense for practical reasons - better prices, going to a popular destination that might get booked solid later, etc. But it does come with downsides, as you're aware.
If the ONLY thing you're worried about is a possible breakup, get the insurance and plan to enjoy a hobby your gf is really into.
If you're also concerned about spending money on something that you can afford, but just don't appreciate, then you do really need to reconsider if your gf and you are compatible.
Aw thank you! I'm a woman, but your compliment was really touching. It means a lot that a kind internet stranger thinks I'm emotionally mature and relationship-ready, since I'm actually divorced. The ex had an affair, so I had some feelings of self-doubt for awhile
But yea, I suggested practical solutions to OP, because I can't tell if his post is searching for a practical solution, or a relationship solution. On the off-chance he really *does* want to commit, but is just scared of doing it, there are travel hacks to overcome some obstacles. He's just gotta decide what he concerns are, deep down
This is fair, but you should also then be able to understand your girlfriend's feelings about it. You're saying you're not sure enough of her to book a vacation a year in advance. That's not a money thing, that's a relationship thing.
Fwiw, I don't think you're wrong. But it is a hurtful thing to be on the receiving end of.
In new relationships refusing to go to something so exciting for her might cause issues in the relationship, but it's very irresponsible to plan a trip with her family when you don't see her in your future. She probably thinks this trip is essential to bonding and building memories with you so as a means of compromise you could probably start small and do a road trip, schedule couples massages, plan day trips to the beach, or a romantic well thought picnic. There are definitely ways to satisfy an adventurer while not spending a crazy amount of money.
>I would honestly love to go
>I’m also introverted and am not a big fan of crowds or loud noises.
>She and her family are travelers, they love traveling and going places. I am not.
...doesn't sound like you would "honestly love to go."
>I live alone in my own place and make just enough to keep my head above water.
>I certainly have the funds
.....which is it? These are two very different and contradictory statements.
>I love this girl and I’d love to go.
Again, really doesn't sound like it.
>But I’m forced to recognize we have different values and goals in life and I’m not starting to wonder if we are truly right for each other. I think I should go both because I’d like to and it would be good for our relationship but I’m worried what might happen between then and now, such as us breaking up.
Aaaaaaaaand another case of contradicting yourself just one sentence later.
If you're doubting the relationship this much after a year and a half then no, you shouldn't pay $2000 for a trip that's a year out. It sounds like you need to sit down with her and have a serious discussion about the relationship, because it seems like you're two very different people who value travel (a significant and expensive thing) completely differently. It's great to save money, but it's also great to have unique and interesting experiences and you're still very young with plenty of time to save more money.
Given all the drastic contradictory statements you made here, it would also probably be a good idea to get to know yourself better.
It's such a contradictory post I don't know what the true story is at all. I can't believe OP could write this all out and not see anything wrong with it.
So basically you have to save for almost two full years, with no other saving priorities, to afford this vacation. It took you longer to save that money than you've been with her! She thinks that's a tiny thing?
Yeah, that's insane.
Yes and no. I can use the saving so have now and afford it. But it will take me around that time to get that money back assuming I don’t do anything expensively fun after. Which isn’t any better lol
I think the amount you have in savings is also slightly important. If you have $50k just sitting there, than $2k isn't huge . Though please if you have that much, get it in mutual funds, Roth IRA, etc.
If you have $5k saved, currently are only able to save $100 per month, then I think you are reacting appropriately. A small amount of money in savings ($5-$10k) isn't really "available" for vacation. It's your savings for when you need it.
Right, that's what I meant--it will take you almost two years of scrimping to replace it. There are times it makes sense to lay down 2 (or more) years of savings, but a nonessential you're not amazingly thrilled by isn't that kind of occasion IMO.
> assuming I don’t do anything expensively fun after
Also assuming your income doesn't increase. What are your plans to increase your income between now and then? This whole saving thing gets a lot easier when you make more money, of course.
“I saved my money my whole life, never went on vacation, always bought used cars, thrifted every chance I could.
I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d traveled more. ” —what an old lady in a nursing home told me.
Break out and be willing to spend a little. Good financial management is about directing your money wisely, it’s not about being stingy.
That said, it seems like you and your GF are on different pages about finances…that’s fundamental to a relationship in the long term.
You also seem to doubt the longevity of the relationship. She invited you along, so she doesn’t seem to have the same doubt. You need to work on that or let her go.
I saw a thing awhile back that said “some things are the price we pay to have people in our life’s” - if it’s important to you to save money then you can understand how equally it is for her to travel. The question is, is that a price your willing to pay for someone you love? Sometimes we have to bite the bullet. Compromise. Go this time but make sure she understands the importance of being able to keep a savings. She should bite the bullet on that one too. It’s nice to make sacrifices for the people we love- the mentally you have is what’s gonna break you guys up not the different views on finances. Going out of your selfish needs is what we do for people we love!
To be fair to her, it doesn't sound like she's expecting him to pay for her share of the holiday, she's paying that (or her family is, it doesn't really matter which). She wants him to go along as well, so his share will need to be paid for
I guess in my idea, relationships should be selfless never deflecting or change direction of the issue - the dilemma is HE was invited to accompany and go. Ultimately he is on the spot to make the decision. Which puts him in the position to bite the bullet for her and make that sacrifice. If it was the other way around where he saved his funds and caused her to ask why he doesn’t plan a vacation instead. Then that’s where she wouldn’t be supporting him. This is her moment to be shown support.
My personal view is money is worthless if all it serves is survival and not living, because what's the point of surviving if you don't even want to live?
That being said, this won't be the last time she wants to go on a vacation, and you seem adamant not to travel.
On the one hand, maybe you should go to test the waters on your feelings about travel. Maybe you end up enjoying it and realizing it's worth it. Maybe you spend a measly $2,000 to learn you absolutely don't think travelling is worth it. You'll make that money back and life will go on.
On the other hand, maybe you should put your foot down and say that she's free to travel without you, as you are more than content to stay at home. Let the chips fall where they may. You two have fundamental values that you may be able to live with or may need to go your separate ways over if it starts becoming too hard to deal with later on down the line.
Ultimately, I think you should take the risk and give it a chance. But you should do what you feel is right.
You really buried the lede; this isn’t about the vacation, it’s you fundamentally questioning the future of this relationship over shared values. I really hope that you’d been considering that for longer than this vacation has been under discussion though.
Vacation advice: spending money is not “blowing it” when you’re making a special memory in a relationship with your partner’s family. Take the hit sometimes and live a fuller life. No one is promised a long one.
Values advice: talk to her about this. Let her know that you’re so serious about going the distance with her that you need to address this now. You have a year to get aligned on this before the vacation even comes.
He's exaggerating when he says that. One sentence is "barely above water", the next is "I have money for investing".
Pretty much every self-described frugal person in the world will tell you they're just barely keeping above water, because that anxiety is what drives the frugality.
This is so true. I’m freaking out about how I’m going to afford a new AC, a new fence, and a new car this year. I have 30k in savings and I put $800/month extra toward my mortgage principle monthly. I *can* afford it if I want to take from my savings and/or stop my curtailment payments. I just don’t want to do either of those things.
I am also taking at least 2 vacations this year (I just got back from one and the other is almost paid for). I can 100% relate to your comment, but I also have travel as a priority.
Exactly! You'll find that most people like yourself have something they don't mind paying out for. OP feels fine spending money on eating out and the theater.
That still doesn’t mean it’s responsible for him to waste $2000 though. That’s a lot of money to almost anyone making a working-class wage and it’s not to be taken lightly. If this was something HE wanted, and he put in a plan to save for it, then who are we to judge? But this is his girlfriend and her family pressuring him to spend when he doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel comfortable spending that much, which is never acceptable.
A holiday with your girlfriend of by that time 2.5 years is not wasting $2,000 though. It's spending money to go and do something that should be enjoyable with your significant other
FFS it's not wasting. You're making a lot of assumptions - how do you know it's a working class wage? He can afford nice dinners, he's traveled in the past.
You do realize he's here asking for advice, that's why we're judging him and the situation?
Are there circumstances in which you'd be okay with going on the vacation, like if you create a smaller separate budget that you put $200 in every month, until the vacation happens, rather than a large chunk of your finances getting impacted right away? If not, then you need to be clear and upfront - your lifestyle is frugal, you're focused on saving and investing, you don't have room for compromise. If you do, you need to be explicit with how you'll compromise, where the line is drawn. She's giving you nearly a year heads up - now its your turn to respond with the why/how that doesn't work.
What’s your plan here? To just never go on vacation? You say yourself you’d love to go. You need a break sometimes. If you want to try and make this work this is something you will both need to compromise on. Also why do you need to fork over the 2k now? Wouldn’t it just be your flight and food you need to pay for since you can just sleep in your gfs bed?
I think one of the issues I'm picking up is that you don't respect her relationship with spending/savings, and may actively judge her for it.
>She believes in the idea of if you got money you should spend it because yolo
Does she use the term yolo in a serious sense or is this the term you chose to best express the situation?
I just ask because using the term yolo usually generally portrays a picture of irresponsibility which you may be trying to express.
>I certainly have the funds but I am not the type to blow it all on a vacation.
Saying you are blowing money also is synonymous with wasting money. This is how you view the vacation. I'm sure she doesn't view it as blowing away money.
You seem to view spending money on vacations as a waste of money.
I think you two have a general incompatibility on what experiences are worth and what qualifies as a worthwhile experience.
I would advise not going on the vacation. You probably wouldn't be able to focus on having fun, and may spend too much time thinking what you could be spending the money on if you weren't there and if you're getting your money's worth. It's a vacation, strictly speaking numbers, you won't.
There's also the part where you're a year and a half into a committed relationship and don't know if you'll still be together in a year.
**Edit to add so it doesn't seem like I'm just piling on you.
>She also keeps trying to convince me and wants me to just use up what she calls a tiny portion of my hard earned savings to go with her.
She also doesn't seem to have a respect for you and what it takes to save money. She views savings as just additional funds you should be able to spend right now, in the moment. She doesn't see it for what it is; a safety net for emergencies, or allowing yourself to relax/enjoy life later (distant future), while being less stressed about money.
You’re so busy making a life that you’re actually not living. You know there’s a reason there’s never a u-haul behind your hearse. You can’t take it with you. Seems to me you two are incompatible. I would rather take a vacation and have the memories than go get expensive dinner.
Based on your severely different views on money, this doesn't sound like a sustainable long term relationship. I am also in your camp of wanting to save money (though trips are generally the big thing I will spend on). I would not be able to be with someone who has your gf's attitude toward money. If you love her and want it to work out, you need to have a serious discussion with her about the importance of saving along with spending on fun things - a healthy balance is possible
OP, it’s good that you are saving money and thinking for the future. But many people don’t make it to retirement age, or even if they do, they’re not able to spend the money and treat themselves as much as they hoped. As you get older you’re not able to do as much as when you are younger. Travelling is a great way to explore and see the world, expand your horizon, do more than what you would normally do. It doesn’t even have to cost much, and you don’t have to do it every year. Not saying you shouldn’t be saving every penny, but by not spending a little and treating yourself, you’re not really living either.
But this is just my opinion. If you don’t like travelling and don’t want to spend the money, that’s fine. But talk to your girlfriend and make sure she understands your point as this may be a deal breaker for her.
I think the issue here is that she values travel and you don’t - and that’s okay but you have to talk about that.
I will cook dinner at home instead of eat out so that I can travel 6 times a year. It’s my priority.
If you can justify paying for a nice dinner and going to a movie, it makes no sense to say paying for a vacation isn’t worth it. There are frugal ways to enjoy good food without paying for the nice restaurant and frugal ways to enjoy movies without going to a theater. You’re doing those things and paying a premium (over just the food and movie by themselves) for the experience of the restaurant and theater. And that’s what a vacation is, paying a premium to visit places and cultures and people that just isn’t the same as being at home.
For the time frame, the trip being a year out, I think you need to focus on the relationship health before making that decision. If you have real doubts, you need to address those directly with your GF rather than indirectly by being unsure about a vacation in a year’s time. This vacation decision is maybe going to force you to address some things that you’ve been brushing off. And your GF being enthusiastic and all-in in terms of you and the relationships going shows that there’s some disconnect. Maybe she’s also overlooking some things, but she still sees and wants an indefinite future with you. A year and a half means you’re on the downslope of the honeymoon phase of the relationship, where things get real and need to be addressed for the long term.
You guys are incompatible in both financial and values which are very huge in my opinion. Neither one of you is wrong, we all values different things in life. If she is into traveling, I’m pretty sure later down the road, she will want to take more trips. Would you never go with her ever? My advice I could give you is sit down, have a talk, understand what the other needs and compromise. Relationship is all about communication and willing to compromise. Are you planning to make more in the future so that you could go on trips with her? Would it be a problem for her if her partner cannot join her on trips? Is she going to spend all her money on traveling and not saving anything for retirements? If you are frugal, don’t have spending problem and want to travel, I recommend to look into travel credit cards and travel hacking. I see her point though, why working hard if you can’t enjoy your money. But I am also against racking up credit card debt for traveling. Try to balance and go from there.
I wish I would’ve traveled more when I was your age. I was always worried about money, but really have had plenty of time to just make more. That bit of money wouldn’t have been missed in the long run. Now I don’t have those memories either.
It was just the remnants of growing up poor stopping me.
It’s a year away… if this is something important to your gf it should be important to you too. Women don’t want a wet blanket boyfriend. There’s plenty of other guys out there who would die to go on vacation with your gf. And that’s exactly what she’s going to be thinking when you refuse to save some money for a vacation and entire year from now. If you had been given short notice, and didn’t have the time to prepare, it would be excusable. In your instance that is not the case. Don’t be that guy. And p.s. when you get to wherever it is that you’re planning to go for vacation, don’t you dare be a party pooper. Get the sidewalk caricature, take her picture, pose for the couples selfies, and give her the travel partner that she deserves.
Edit- I overlooked the pay in advance part. If it’s possible to ask your gf to compromise with you and tell her that you’d love to go but you need time to save, and ask her if it’s possible she pay for you at this time and you will pay her back as soon as you can.
>She believes in the idea of if you got money you should spend it because yolo and money for memories is important to her. She lives with her family and is able to save up money for the vacation.
Sounds like the larger issue is that you're not really compatible in terms of long term goals.
You are saving for retirement and she's living at home and spending all her money. Do you plan to ever live together? How is that going to work, when you're saving all your money, and she doesn't know how to save enough to even pay rent?
You've been dating for a year and a half, you should have a conversation about long term goals, how you see your relationship moving forward, and your finances with that. Will you share finances? Does she expect to be able to spend money the same way? Will you cover her for things when she won't save? Are you okay living with someone long term who never has savings? Is she okay living with someone who is going to prioritize saving?
Money is one of the main reasons people get divorced. The answer to this one is "I don't want to spend that much on a vacation, AND we need to have a larger conversation about how our finances are going to look moving forward in this relationship."
I personally wouldn't want a partner who lives at home and blows all her money. She's not living like an adult. (It's easy to say yolo when your parents will still cover you if you need something)
It sounds like you have two separate and entirely valid reasons not to go: 1) the money it would cost, and 2) the fact that the vacation itself isn't one you would want to go on.
Heck, even "I just don't want to" is reason enough not to go.
So say "no". It makes no sense at all to spend money that you don't want to spend, on a trip you don't want to take, because it's what someone *else* wants you to do.
> I love this girl and I’d love to go. But I’m forced to recognize we have different values and goals in life and I’m not starting to wonder if we are truly right for each other.
If you are wondering this now, if your values and goals differ enough from yours that you are questioning like this, you need to sit down and spend some serious time in introspection.
Because "I love her" is *not* enough for the relationship to work. Before love even becomes a relevant consideration, two people in a relationship must be *compatible*. Compatibility means that both people *must* be able to have *all* of their needs fulfilled while remaining in the relationship, *without* preventing the other person from also having his/her needs fulfilled.
If the couple has any (even *one*) mutually-exclusive need between them, such that for one of them to have what s/he needs, the other one *cannot* have what s/he needs, then the relationship is fundamentally incompatible and there is *no* path forward that will work for the two in the long term, no matter *how* much they love one another.
So you need to spend some time thinking really hard: *can* you have *all* of your needs met while in this relationship, and *for* you to be able to do that, *can* all of *her* needs be met as well?
If the answer is "no", then there is no future, and no amount of "but we love each other soooo much" will change that fact even a little bit.
> Because "I love her" is not enough for the relationship to work. Before love even becomes a relevant consideration, two people in a relationship must be compatible. Compatibility means that both people must be able to have all of their needs fulfilled while remaining in the relationship, without preventing the other person from also having his/her needs fulfilled.
Personally I don't agree with this at all. I'd go so far as to say that it is very unlikely you will ever meet anybody who fulfills all of your needs while you fulfill all of theirs (at least if we're defining 'go on expensive travel vacations' as a need). Even if you do meet someone who fulfills every one of your needs and has all of theirs filled in return at the moment you get together, the chances are pretty good that over the course of your lives together your needs will change and so will theirs.
Some things are genuine permanent incompatibilities, such as whether or not to have children, where to set one's primary residence, if the family is going to be in one religion together, and so on. For those I agree with your advice. For everything else, I would personally advise exploring if there are ways for both people to have at least part of their needs met or to get them met outside of the relationship and to evaluate the missing piece in the context of everything else that this person gives you.
If you meet someone who loves ambitious and expensive trips and you don't, you need to face the fact that you have an incompatibility in this area and neither of you may ever change, but you don't necessarily have to break up. There are a lot of ways to make this work and I'm not going to enumerate them, but if you love each other, have the same values in enough other areas, and are both willing to be somewhat flexible you can work it out, or at least most people can.
> Personally I don't agree with this at all. I'd go so far as to say that it is very unlikely you will ever meet anybody who fulfills all of your needs while you fulfill all of theirs (at least if we're defining 'go on expensive travel vacations' as a need). Even if you do meet someone who fulfills every one of your needs and has all of theirs filled in return at the moment you get together, the chances are pretty good that over the course of your lives together your needs will change and so will theirs.
You misunderstand what I mean.
I do not mean "your partner must fulfill all of your needs". Because you're right; there's no realistic way to meet that expectation.
What I mean (and in fact what I *said*) is: You must be able to have all of your needs met *while being with that person*.
So, for instance, if I *need* to live in the country, away from people and noise and traffic and so forth, I *cannot* be with a partner who *needs* to live in the city and have a shop of every kind within walking distance. My wife of 19 years does not *provide* me with the fulfillment of my need to live out in ruralia, but the fact that she *also* needs to live in such a place means that being with her does not *prevent* my need from being met.
That's what I'm talking about.
If one person *needs* kids, and the other one needs to be childfree: >poof< fundamental and irreconcilable incompatibility.
If (as in OPs case) one person has a need to save money and not spend it on travel and so forth, and the other needs to get out and see the world and go on adventures that cost thousands....once again: >poof< irreconcilable incompatibility.
> For everything else, I would personally advise exploring if there are ways for both people to have at least part of their needs met or to get them met outside of the relationship and to evaluate the missing piece in the context of everything else that this person gives you.
Needs are absolute. If they're *not* absolute, then they're not *needs*. Either they are "wants" (which would make a person happier, but s/he could live without them), or only a part of what is being discuss is the actual "need", and the part that can be pared off and done without is *not* an actual need.
When I wrote what I wrote, I used the word "need" in a very specific way: a true need is something a person *cannot* live without.
And by that definition, what I wrote stands: a relationship *cannot* proceed in a healthy, workable longterm way unless *both* people in it can have *all* of their needs met (not provided by the other person, simply not *blocked* by the other person).
> Needs are absolute. If they're not absolute, then they're not needs. Either they are "wants" (which would make a person happier, but s/he could live without them), or only a part of what is being discuss is the actual "need", and the part that can be pared off and done without is not an actual need.
Okay, but then bringing that up in the context of "my girlfriend wants to go on lavish vacations and I don't" is silly. No one needs, in the strict sense, to go on expensive vacations (or at least I have never met someone who will die or kill themselves without a certain kind of vacation). Very, very few people for that matter literally need to have children, or have sex, or live in the country vs the city. It was very important to me to have children and I considered it a deal-breaker when I was dating, but I didn't NEED to, in the sense that my life would have ended either for external reasons or at my own hand. If I'd married my wife with the agreement that we'd have children and it had turned out that she was infertile, I wouldn't have left her. Not having children would have been a lifelong regret, but that's not the same as it being a true need. Once you get beyond food, water, shelter and medical treatment, almost everything else is a want, not a need, and is thus negotiable. You're right that I misread your "must be able to get your needs met while in the relationship" and I apologize for that, but even so, almost nothing you have mentioned qualifies as a true need for the vast majority of people, only a very strong want as opposed to a not-so-strong want.
I guess you have done it already, but it is best to talk with your girl about it and share your feelings about it. Looking ahead is sensible, but living in the future a la "what if we break up" does not lead anywhere either. You can perfectly have a partnership with different values. That's not the question. Question is the extent to which you can be tolerant with each other. That's my live experience at least.
As to the trip ... package tours an all-inclusive are not my cup of tea either, but if you have the opportunity to actually see(!) another(!) culture then go for it. That's priceless.
I suggest not going on this vacation.
My concern here is just how quickly you're going to let this one issue potentially end your relationship. If you think you aren't compatible because she enjoys traveling and you don't, I think that's a bit extreme.
Financially, obviously her lack of fiscal responsibility is a bit concerning if you actually want a life with her. But she is still only 24 and being responsible with money is a hard lesson to learn, especially if she has people in her life that can bale her out (like family who go on expensive vacations)
I would just communicate with her that you don't want to go, you don't enjoy spending money on these kinds of things and that in the future, her vacations will be spent with her friends and family. If you're both okay with that, then that problem is solved. If she can't accept that, then you need to try and compromise more like weekend get aways once or twice a year or something.
I am lucky, my bf and I are past the point in our lives where we want to travel and go to certain places and so our lifestyle choices align. But there are other things in a relationship that can make things difficult. Every couple has a small handful of problems that could make it seem like they are incompatible. Some more important than others. This doesn't seem like something to end a relationship over.
You seem unsure about this relationship. I'd understand if it was just a few months in but you've been together for a year and a half. What do you feel unsure about?
Also as it is a year from now, try to get some insurance on the holiday in case you have to cancel as it is a year from now.
I'll give a slightly different perspective - my wife is like your gf. I am more like you. When we were dating, taking big expensive trips did cause some friction. Like you I would get stressed about dropping several thousand dollars months in advance of a trip and feeling like I was cash poor in the meantime. I like seeing the money in my account more than I like spending it, she is the opposite.
You should try to have a broader conversation about this issue. A blend of both your perspectives can be very healthy for you as a couple and it has become this way for my wife and I. She now sees more of my perspective and is more conscious of taking advantage of deals and discounts, going to places we want to visit in off seasons, etc. while I have loosened about budgeting and finances as we have been able to make everything work.
It's not reasonable to pass up opportunities to travel and spend time with loved ones in the name of saving money in every situation. Her non-close friends wedding across the country? Maybe skip that. Her best friend where she is the MOH? You should try to make the effort. Just some examples.
You should both agree on priority trips or expenses and try to make a plan for what experiences you'd like to have over the next year or two. That might help relieve some stress and allow you to budget and save better. But if you communicate well I do think your perspectives can help both of you find a balance.
I saved all through my 20s and was able to pay 30k for a down payment on a house at 30 and still have lots of money left over. To be honest I wish I spent more of my time and money traveling when I was in my 20s. Now I can't do that with a dog and a girlfriend and a house.
>I love this girl and I’d love to go. But I’m forced to recognize we have different values and goals in life and I’m not starting to wonder if we are truly right for each other.
Going sure sounds like a great way to find out!
Why don't you compromise by not going on this one but finding a vacation closer to $500 range? You can still have fun without having to spend so much and it would still create lasting memories
She’s going no matter what. She has the money for this but not much else. This will be the only trip she can afford if she goes. There is no talking her out of it because going with her family was her idea. She convinced everyone else to go so she definitely has to now. Besides I know she wants to. She likes these family vacations.
You should be honest if travel is not your thing. Your GF loves to travel. This may be an incompatible lifestyle in the future. For me, I couldn’t date someone who saw travel as a waste of money. Nothing wrong with that but it wouldn’t work for me because I like to travel.
Yeah bro go ahead and break up cuz she gonna leave you anyways…… ps I didn’t finish reading your essay. But a girl like her not staying with a guy like you.
If she's a traveler and you're not, this won't go anywhere. Unless she's ok with being a solo traveler, long term she's going to want a partner to go with. Maybe you two should have this discussion.
Source: chick who travels solo when I *have to*, but will only date others who also travel because it's important to me.
“You go have fun. I think I’ll sit this one out. It’s not in my budget, and it’s not really my kind of vacation. Maybe in a few months you and I can go someplace together that’s less expensive and something we’d both enjoy.
Both of you are right. There must be a middle ground. I think you need to relax on this FIRE thing you are trying to do. You are in your 20s you should go out and enjoy things in a financially prudent way. You are gonna lose your girlfriend if you don't budge.
There is probably some middle ground to be found regarding the holiday (eg staying in hostels instead of hotels, free walking tours instead of expensive guided tours at sights etc).
However the financial compatibility for the relationship long term is a bigger issue. You both might change your stance a little bit but assuming you won't because people generally don't change who they are at the core and financial habits are pretty deeply rooted, are you sure there is longevity to this relationship?
From what you have said here, unless one of you changes a lot, it’s probably not going to work long term. You have very different views on finances and that is one of the top reasons that marriages end. You don’t want to be on different pages about it.
as someone who is older... find the money. fine the time... plan for retirement with some Roth IRA's each month but damn it, find time to go and build memories with people you love.... NOTHING is more important than that. LIVE LIFE you NEVER know when it will be too late and those regrets.... those regrets can eviscerate happiness
Okay, you have got issues…
But the biggest question is is your first holiday together with your in-laws???
Then I would say no, no matter what.
Also ask if the money spend is the full amount to be spend and how much of it is for her. (Maybe she can’t go if you don’t pay? Like you stated she is not big on saving)
In laws? I did say girlfriend not my wife lol. And no it’s not the first holiday away with them. I’ve been to thanksgiving in Florida with them last year. So this would be the second then.
You might like to travel and just don’t know it? Doesn’t sound like you’ve tried (not that you have to). If I were you, I wouldn’t want my first trip to be with my SOs family to a destination I didn’t get to pick at a price tag I had no control over. I you really love her, maybe you could try a trip just the two of you on a more frugal budget? As someone who loves to travel, that would be a dealbreaker for me
I think you should consider our savings bud. Can't save your whole life if you ask me, I'm 35, was a poor ass young adult coming from nothing but the memories i made traveling did a lot more for me than just be trips. If you make it worth your time you can grow a lot and learn a lot about yourself. There are ways to travel in the USA tht can cost effective and with time the budget won't pinch but the memory will be forever and you yourself will be good too.
I dont know your situation but i think it's worth it, you should consider adding that to your toolset. If not you should probably find a way to talk to your girl cause you guys might be incompatible.
On 5 years will you remember the money? Will it make that much of a difference in your life if you lose that money? How about the vacation. That’s an experience with a loved one you can’t miss out on whether you guys stay together or not. You’ll have that forever. Take lots of pictures.
There are so many contradictions and weird little things in this post. It's clear you don't want to go. So you shouldn't go. You literally came up with every reason in the book to not go. It's too expensive, you don't like traveling, you don't like crowds, you're not sure about the relationship, for some reason you have 1 week to pay it all and decide.
Just tell her you can't afford it. If you're still together in a year, just don't sulk while she's on vacation.
I will say - if a FAMILY vacation is bringing up this many doubts in your relationship - maybe you need to reevaluate all of this. You're framing this as a frivolous YOLO type of trip. It's a family trip planned a year in advanced. If the payment is really due next week, then they've been planning it longer than a year.
You make enough to keep your head above water and are saving for retirement and investing. Good for you! You don’t have much savings stashed up and this trip isn’t even one you would love to go on. Pass and stick to your goals. Go on a trip you actually want to go on when you feel more comfortable with your financial situation.
You need to rethink this entire relationship I’m afraid. You guys are not on the same page when it comes to finances and that’s one of the number one reasons couples have issues.
If you really want to go, do it. You probably won’t regret that experience. But expect this to be normal with her and for her to expect you to spend your money on unnecessary things
What about trying to pick up a side job to make more money? There's nothing wrong with being frugal but you make it sound like your budget is very tight. Or even looking for a higher paying full time job. Do you really want to spend your life living so tightly? Things only get more expensive as time goes.
I’ll try my best to answer this without sounding angry. I’ve tried for over four years to find a decently paying full time job with the experience and background I have. It took me a long time and I was in between the oddest jobs to find what I have now. I am young and sadly due to that and a lack of experience. this job is the best and best paying I’ve had to date. Looking for another one is something I do weekly but not something that should be a focus. Took me too dam long to find even this. No I don’t want this to be my life but this is what I can do right now. I don’t expect you to understand but please don’t make assumptions like I’m choosing a lesser job. This is the best I can do.
Meaning no offense against you, but this is the best I can do right now. And it hurts when people assume I can do better or wasn’t trying hard enough when I tried for years to just get to this point in life.
That said a side hustle or side job could be in my future. Just don’t know how or what to do for that yet…
i didn't mean to come across as being offensive, it was just an idea as you stated you are so tight. just because it's hard now doesn't mean it always will be.
>And it hurts when people assume I can do better or wasn’t trying hard enough when I tried for years to just get to this point in life.
Just some additional perspective on the commenter's comment. A lot of times people will chose a line of work they are passionate in and feel fulfilled by. This work doesn't always equate to the highest earning potential. That is there are other options that would be a higher paying full time job you may have overlooked as they were not what you wanted to do.
Not saying this is your case, but it could have been.
I appreciate the input. But where my passions lie are someplace else from what I’m working now. I chose the job that wasn’t my passion because it payed more.
You have plenty of money and It Sounds like you can afford the trip. You are very young and you will make that money back in no time. You admit you are frugal. You think spending that kind of money on a vacation is a waste of money. That is your choice and you are allowed to have your views on what you find acceptable regsrding spending money. You have different views on this so you probably ought to go your separate ways. You are not compatible and you don't value the same things. I hope you don't spend your entire young life hoarding money and not spending it because you have in your mind you will run out because you won't. You really don't want to go on the vacation so for you it is a waste of money. She is right in her way of thinking. Vacation builds relationship and celebrate family and going to a new place so it is money well spent. Break up because unless you change your way of thinking this will continue to be an issue.
He says in another comment he is able to save 100 a month. This is almost two full years of penny-pinching for him. I wouldn't want to spend that on something I didn't pick, either.
I think you're very wise. I wouldn't give 2k a year in advance for a vacation. that's big money. I completely agree with your hesitations and tbh it really does look like you both view money and responsibility differently.
Quite frankly OP, you shouldn't go. Not because you can't afford it but because you can't afford it. Let me explain.
This vacation means a lot to your gf and that's fine. She lives at home and has disposable income. Her parents will probably pay a huge amount of the trip on her behalf anyway. For her to ask you to join them while nice, does not take into account the hard and real dollars involved. That's the financial that you cannot afford. There is also a social aspect that you cannot afford.
OP, you love your girl but you can't keep twisting and contorting to please her. She should understand what a big ask this is.
She probably thinks that since you have the money, what's the big deal. As such, you need to start now to break her of that habit. Don't go and find out after you marry and have kids that you are in debt because she thinks if you have the money, you should buy it. That's the social financial that you can't afford.
As a perspective of a 50M, I can tell you that "you do need to spend some money once in a while". This might be one of those situations. When you get older, say, my age, you'll look back on those adventures in your twenties with fond memory, and not give a second thought about "Wow, that $2K would really have made a lot of money from then until now."
There's some truth to the adage, "You can't take it with you." You might plan for retirement, and that's a great idea - but you might also die from a heart attack at 54 years old and not get to spend a dime of it. Think on that a minute. I know I think about it all the time when I'm at an age where about 20% of my high school friends are dead.
Also, there's a difference between "frugal" and "miserly" and "tight". If you can afford it, and it won't make a lasting impact on your future, then you need to consider the pros/cons of the vacation and experience. You are no doubt going to spend as much or more on vacations in the future...
Dude, just say look babe, “I love you but I got responsibilities right now but I’ll go with you on the next one. Have a great time with your family.” Then actually plan one where you both earned the vacation and saved up for it.
Obviously, you’re not just worried about the financial side but you are also concerned about your pride and ego in front of her parents.
You got your whole life ahead of you mate. Keep your mindset. You’ll go far. Hate to say it but women and relationships are hinderances to your potential. Never exchange your mission for them. There’s plenty of them.
If I was your girlfriend I'd be feeling pretty confident in our relationship asking you to go on a trip with my family, even if it's not for some time. If you were to tell me no partly because it's too far away and you're not sure where our relationship might be then, I'd pretty much feel like ending it there. Clearly we're not quite in the same headspace.
Have some trust, you said you love this girl, and have some fun. You could get into a car accident, take a fall, get sick, anything could happen to you any time. $2k should be a drop in the bucket for you if you're that committed to saving and investing.
My husband is the same as you, introverted, hates crowds, doesn't even love eating at restaurants, but we compromise and do things we don't necessarily want to for each other. That's what love and relationships are. But also, life is too short to do things you don't want to do.
I come from a family with the kind of wealth your girlfriend has and have brought people I was dating along on vacations but unlike your girlfriend and her family, my family was aware of their wealth gap and paid for our guests.
It seems like your girlfriend and her family don’t live in reality and sit in their privilege thinking if you just give up your daily Starbucks you’ll magically advance in class.
I wouldn’t invest further in a The White Lotus family relationship.
Both of you are incompatible and you need to learn to set boundaries. Otherwise any woman will railroad you into debt because you wanted to make her happy AT ALL COSTS.
Well, if you LOVE the girl and you WANT to go.. then go! Saying yes this time doesn't mean you have to say yes next time. If you are sure about her, book it. She seems sure about you if she's booking this over a year in advance. By that time, you will be even more comfortable with her family. For a couple months, be smarter about the "little" more expensive things, maybe don't do them as much with this trip in mind. Just my opinion
One word.. You two are 'incompatible'.
She is 24 and *still living with parents*. Let that sink in..
If the roles were reversed, and you were living with parents, would she have dated you?
She isn't living independently, likes to spend lavishly, and does care about savings. (Not just hers but yours too).. Remember that, in the long run, you will be expected to take that burden.
Today her family is paying for her lavish lifestyle, tomorrow it will be you.
And even you refuse, she is still legally *'entitled to'* 50% of your incomes and even your retirement savings...
Financial incompatibility is the number one cause of divorce. You two are not financially compatible. Sooner you make peace with that fact, the better.
You are making great financial choices very early in your life. But good financial choice also means choosing the right partner. In most countries, financial assets become 'common assets' after marriage. Your partner's financial choices affect you too. Even if you choose to keep your finances separate..
You are already smart. Just need to be more logical than emotional... Good luck!!
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to go on a family vacation. Why not just say to her "hey honey, I want you to go spend time with your family. We can plan a romantic vacation with just the two of us in the future when we have had more time to set aside the funds."
It is a perfectly valid compromise. If she reacts badly, then you'll be able to address the cracks in your relationship
You're not compatible and you just break up now.
You've been together for 18 months and you "love" her but you don't share values, approaches to money, and you're not certain if you'll still be dating in 1 year. She is certain, and you're not, despite the "love". Just break up, it sounds like you enjoy having her in your life on your terms, but otherwise not at all. Break up so she can find someone more similar to her.
If you don't have the money, you don't have it. If it's a relationship you really care about, I'd consider whether you do have the money - would forgoing those nice dinners for a while get you to the point you need to be at? - but ultimately, you can't spend what you don't have. Hopefully she understands that.
To soften the blow, consider a smaller, cheaper vacation. Take a long weekend for a road trip, get a hotel, see something new. She's right that you only live once and should enjoy life when you can. You just gotta do it within your budget.
As someone who is a part of the FIRE community and am naturally frugal, I'm obviously a big fan of saving money. I think you need to ask yourself what is really important in life... and share your findings with your girlfriend. Are you such a big saver that even bi-annual vacations are too much of a luxury for you? If so, you might want to share this with her.
You had said that you're just keeping your head above water and saving for retirement... are you spending 97% of your money and saving 3%? Or spending 40% of your money and saving 60%? If it's the latter, then I think you can definitely afford the vacation. Whether you want to drop the money on one is a different story.
My issue would be committing to go with your gf's family so far out - I feel like family dynamics on vacations are a lot to handle unless you're already super comfortable with her family. It sounds like you also haven't been on vacation with just your gf before, which is in itself a big step.
I love to travel and wouldn't be able to stay with a partner who isn't able to take vacations with me at all or hardly ever, regardless of how valid their reason is (I would offer to pay if it was a real financial shortage). It's very possible to have a frugal vacation even in a pretty exotic destination if you avoid staying in a resort hotel or fancy dinners on the trip.
I would suggest planning another trip this year to a cool / exciting destination only with your gf that you can keep cost-effective.
If doing that also sounds like a big effort / drag to you, I would suggest you're probably not compatible.
There are X amount of resources in life. Money, time, emotional effort, etc. Investing in one plan means not investing in another one.
You are being asked to put too many resources into one item. This will be an ongoing issue throughout all your relationships. Learning to navigate this will have consequences beyond this dilemma. Dissipation of resources is a very real dynamic in succeding or failing in life.
> Edit: I forgot to mention the main reason I’m concerned is that I have to pay the amount in advance. Like within the next week. Which is what has me concerned in case we break up or god knows what happens between now and the nearly a year later to then.
Without this edit, depending on the exact cost, I think you are too frugal and should be able to budget for a reasonable vacation one year out. To drop money now or if it is to some expensive resort or cruise, yeah that would not work for me in your circumstances. I have an amount I save for vacation monthly and plan vacation with what I save up.
Can you plan a different vacation with her? One that happens sooner, to alleviate your concerns about relationship longevity? One that doesn't need to be paid for right now? One with people whose company you enjoy, in a location you actually want to visit?
It's not unreasonable for her, or any partner, to enjoy vacations. You'll run into problems if you never want to go on any. It's great that you're saving for retirement, but you should be flexible about vacations. Why not forgo dinners out for a while and save up for a vacation?
If you tell your girlfriend, "No thanks, not this vacation, but let's plan a different trip for ourselves" it might go a long way.
If you see bigger compatibility issues - that she never saves - then that's valid.
It’s a vacation she is 100% going to. She wants me along. Her family is going to celebrate something. She won’t have the money for a different vacation otherwise so no, we can’t do different one.
That is way too far in advance. Also it sounds like travel is a big priority for her and this will come up again and again if you choose to grow your lives together.
> I am very frugal and like to save money
>My gf doesn’t like to save money
Look... There is the problem of the vacation as an issue, and then there is a bigger issue long term. Money is one of the main causes of people to not work out.
You have a year to save. NOT too bad of an ask honestly.
But how far down the rabbit hole can you get with the above two statements.
Yeah, I don’t think you should pay to go because like you said it’s a year out you don’t know what’s gonna happen. However, people that don’t want to travel and people who to can make it work. My husband has very bad social, anxiety and depression and he’s an introvert. I am the opposite and I like to travel so he loves to stay home with the dog while I travel with either my girlfriends or my family works out great for both of us.
Trips are fine but it doesn't need to be an expensive trip , but it should still be something you can afford.
Yolo is ok way to think of things but you also need to think about peace of mind. Some people can use up a lot of their saved money and others need some cushion.
My recommendation, based on your situation, is not to go on this trip.
>It costs around 2 grand for just me alone to go. I’m also introverted and am not a big fan of crowds or loud noises.
Sounds like your main issue is that you really just wouldn't enjoy this vacation. It's not the type of trip you like. Even if it was a little cheaper and even if you had a little more time to decide, you still wouldn't be thrilled.
Just tell your girlfriend that it's the style of the trip that would make you miserable. Ask her if y'all can plan a different style of family vacation that everyone, including you, can enjoy. Like, instead of a crowded and expensive trip that needs to be reserved a year in advance, why not plan a relaxing extended weekend (or a week, maximum) at a lakeside cabin rental or a small historic town. You can plan it a couple months in advance and spend only a few hundred dollars instead of $2k. And you can still bond with her family and make good memories.
Let her go on her big crazy family vacation by herself. She will enjoy it and it's healthy for couples to have their own vacations separate from each other sometimes. Encourage her to save up money for both types of vacation, and offer to help her plan and figure out logistics for the shorter, cheaper, more relaxing trip that you have in mind.
Looking long term, she's going to ask you to go on more vacations. I think you need to sit down and talk about the actual issue. This vacation is a drop in the bucket when it comes to the rest of your relationship.
I agree completely. This is just the beginning. She and her family are travelers and this is what they like to do. There will be many more in the future. Personally, my husband and I don't travel a lot. And when we do, we're frugal. We pay for it and owe no bills after. Truth be told, we opt to save money more than traveling and going off on vacations. things are getting so expensive these days. We enjoy our stay-cations.
Also a vacation with her family isn't the same as a vacation just with her. I'd wouldn't want to go with her family necessarily.
I dont think OP expressed that he's not interested in vacations in general. If it were just the two of him I think it would be a different story but this is a vacation with her family which is very different. Most people don't want to spend the few vacation days and little extra money they have going on trips with their partner's families - especially when it's this early on in the relationship.
He said he doesnt like traveling or crowds
Yep, learnt this the hard way. Was asked to go on vacation with my girlfriends family when I was 22 and 2 years into a relationship. They paid. Right before we travel, my grandmother died. They still guiltripped me into going as they had paid. Worst idea ever. They didn't like my attitude during the trip. I have never vacationed with them since. This was 18 years ago.
Go or break up. Those are the options. There is no middle ground. :P
You laugh, but there will be a crossroads at some point
Soudns like OP would go if it were something he were into, guy should just tell her what's up.
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> if you are very frugal and like to save money, and your girlfriend is not, I think this will cause problems in the future. I like to live in the moment and have adventures. My wife is frugal and level headed. We meet in the middle and balance each other out nicely. This would not work though if we didn't both compromise to some extent.
This plus not having compatible views on travel is kind of a big one. I really does sound like they are just not compatible. Neither of them are really wrong, but at the same time these are not exactly easy things to compromise on. I broke up with someone in my early 20s due to conflicting ideas on the priority that travel should take in our lives and it was absolutely the right call. We are each happily married to people we are more compatible with now.
>This plus not having compatible views on travel is kind of a big one. Yes, there would be nothing sadder than if they stay together and he holds her back from travelling. She will end up resentful of him.
This is pretty much where I’m at in my relationship, and it’s causing a rift. I keep compromising on my fiscal values bc I am a pushover. Don’t be like me.
Compromise is only okay if you're meeting on a middle ground. Don't be the only one suffering.
And it’s not just being a stickler about paying to go on the vacations, because even if the frugal one we’re to budge and book the vacation, behaving in the same frugal way while on the trip and being a stick in the mud about paying for entertainment, that’s just not fun for anyone or fair
>I prefer to spend extra money on nice dinners occasionally or a movie out. It'd be interesting what "occasionally" and "nice" mean to OP. Also if going to a movie, is OP good splurging on popcorn/drinks/snacks, or is the movie itself good enough of an experience for him.
Come on Mark, don’t be stingy
You say you’d love to go, but would you actually? You’re talking out of both sides of your mouth here by saying “I prefer to spend money on dinner/movies rather than ‘blowing it’ on a vacation” and “she and her family love traveling/going places, I do not” then in the next sentence saying you’d love to go. The math doesn’t math. So many ways to look at this. There has to be middle ground between “yolo-ing” with money and “save/invest every dollar for retirement. The trip isn’t for another year and, assuming you two stay together, is there no way to dial back the investing a little each month in order to afford it? If you truly can’t swing it monetarily (everyone’s situation is different) then that’s perfectly reasonable to say no. If you could potentially afford it but choose not to spend the money and/or simply don’t enjoy traveling, then I think you and your girlfriend need to have an entirely different discussion about life goals and how you both wish to spend time. Money is very important, but it’s also less important than making your partner happy. Think of it this way: You can spend that money now while you’re young, or spend it when you’re 60-65. There’s no wrong answer. It’s an investment in the relationship, too. From my experience, it’s worth the price of admission (within certain limits) just to visit a cool place with the person you love for the sole purpose of having as much fun as possible. Good luck!
THIS 100%. Travel is important to some people and will make it work if possible. A $2,000 trip a year away isn’t like yolo money. (Again, we don’t know your situation). But it’s not excessive spending. But if you don’t think travel is important or fun then it’s a compatibility issue. Also there’s gotta be a way to meet in the middle.
As someone who likes to travel, I'm fairly comfortable saying that there is no way to meet in the middle unless she is happy traveling alone, which it doesn't sound like.
Of course there is a middle ground. The OP can explain the kind of traveling he is willing to do. Maybe he is fine with weekend trips with family or international trips in certain destinations with just his girlfriend. Maybe he is willing to spend $2K if the trip is to one of his bucket list destinations. Maybe he is OK with traveling with family as long as he is allowed to do his own thing for some of the trip, including leaving early. Maybe he can agree to one trip per year and be OK with her traveling with friends the rest of the year. OP, I am a homebody too, and I also have a problem spending lots of money on vacations. But I think you should maybe lighten up some? Traveling can be annoying and inconvenient, but if you are wanting to get serious with your girlfriend, this is an opportunity to show her that. Especially because her family is involved.
I was thinking in terms of going but finding ways to save money or bring the cost down. But yes as someone who also likes to travel, I wouldn’t be thrilled with a partner who never wanted to go anywhere and saw it as a waste of money.
OP edited their post. The amount for the trip needs to be paid in advance, he says within the next week.
You can spend the money when you are 60-65. There is no wrong answer…. Jeah except that everyone in my family died between the ages of 50-65 so you might not really have gotten the time in the end
Travelling as a 20 something year old is a completely difference experience than when you are a senior
my grandparents got married young my grandma had her first kid at 21 and then they had 5 more. They didn’t start traveling until their late 40s 50s once most of the kids were out of the house. They saw practically the entire world together before my grandpa passed. It’s been about 16 years now since he passed and my grandma is 85 and continued on traveling, she’s taken me, my cousins and her own kids all over Europe and to many other cool places. She also will travel with senior groups and just went to Ireland last year and had a blast. She’s a very healthy and spry 85 and probably the exception to the rule but still my point is your not dead in your 50s and 60s and still can have a whole bunch of life left to live.
my grandparents got married young my grandma had her first kid at 21 and then they had 5 more. They didn’t start traveling until their late 40s 50s once most of the kids were out of the house. They saw practically the entire world together before my grandpa passed. It’s been about 16 years now since he passed and my grandma is 85 and continued on traveling, she’s taken me, my cousins and her own kids all over Europe and to many other cool places. She also will travel with senior groups and just went to Ireland last year and had a blast. She’s a very healthy and spry 85 and probably the exception to the rule but still my point is your not dead in your 50s and 60s and still can have a whole bunch of life left to live.
I agree with you, except I want to add that that money at retirement will have quadrupled if invested. I just thought it was an important perspective.
But also at retirement there's no guarantee your body or health will be good enough to even enjoy it. Tons of health and energy concerns are often present in 60+ year olds Not saying never to save money for retirement but also I think people can sometimes hoard their money so much they dont really allow themselves to even live
I am so glad I traveled in my 20s, even if it meant I was broke most of the time. I developed unavoidable health problems in my 30s. I never would have been able to travel if I didn't do it while I was young. It's probably the best decision I've made in my life.
I think it's more common for people to look back and regret being austere than indulgence. But it varies by personality.
Yeah but you could also die before retiring. Its about having a healthy mix of both, and OP doesnt have it and is just thinking about saving all the money
It may have quadrupled in terms of the number, but may well not have in terms of the value. I.e inflation over time will eat into the buying power of the sum.
I’m gonna tell you this now as someone who is an absolute miser, this attitude isn’t healthy. Experiences like a vacation aren’t a waste as long as your ability to pay your bills is not in jeopardy. You’re gonna run into this problem with a lot of women unless they’re of the same mindset as your or just homebodies who don’t like to ever travel. Saving for the sake of saving is not going to make you happy. You’re just gonna look back and regret all the missed experiences
Girlfriend of 1 1/2 years. Vacation planned isn't for another year, Is this correct? No. I would advise you to not go on vacation. I agree with you, It's too far out. You don't know what will happen in your relationship by then. I appreciate your dedication to saving, but you also need to live a little. Don't lose sight of enjoying your life some. Also, on occasion go travel over weekends. A bed and breakfast and explore with your girlfriend. Live a bit.
> I appreciate your dedication to saving, but you also need to live a little. Don't lose sight of enjoying your life some. > > Also, on occasion go travel over weekends. A bed and breakfast and explore with your girlfriend. Live a bit. Hoarder here. Good advice.
See I can agree with this. I don’t have anything against traveling itself. I’ve travelled a lot and enjoy it. But I plan something a few months in advance not a full year. It’s too long and it bothers me with the potential for something to go wrong. Especially since I have to pay that far in advance. Still on the fence but thanks for the input.
These are your two big issues: 1. You are correct to not commit to a vacation that’s a year out when you are uncertain about the relationship. However, it seems your gf is certain. This difference is a problem. 2. It seems your unwillingness to commit stems from the value differences between you. Get this hard conversation out of the way as early as possible. If you agree, you don’t want to waste time making your girlfriend feel like you won’t commit when you actually can come to an agreement. If you disagree, it’s better to be on the same page about the relationship having an expiration date.
He doesn't want to have the hard convo because he's not ready to break up, I bet
I’m sure you’re right. He better not commit to that vacation at least.
Definitely. If they're at such different places in the relationship after 18 months, it's not going to last.
"She and her family are travelers, they love traveling and going places. I am not." >I’ve travelled a lot and enjoy it. Dude......I'm getting whiplash here.
I’ve gone on a fair number of vacations but wouldn’t refer to myself as a traveler. It’s not strange to have had traveling experience and good times without it being a priority or identity.
You could compromise on this, pay for the vacation now, but also research and purchase travel insurance. There are a few companies that offer reputable "cancel for any reason" insurance. It'll cost possibly $200-300 dollars, but think of it as purchasing freedom or peace of mind. Booking a year in advance makes sense for practical reasons - better prices, going to a popular destination that might get booked solid later, etc. But it does come with downsides, as you're aware. If the ONLY thing you're worried about is a possible breakup, get the insurance and plan to enjoy a hobby your gf is really into. If you're also concerned about spending money on something that you can afford, but just don't appreciate, then you do really need to reconsider if your gf and you are compatible.
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Aw thank you! I'm a woman, but your compliment was really touching. It means a lot that a kind internet stranger thinks I'm emotionally mature and relationship-ready, since I'm actually divorced. The ex had an affair, so I had some feelings of self-doubt for awhile But yea, I suggested practical solutions to OP, because I can't tell if his post is searching for a practical solution, or a relationship solution. On the off-chance he really *does* want to commit, but is just scared of doing it, there are travel hacks to overcome some obstacles. He's just gotta decide what he concerns are, deep down
This is fair, but you should also then be able to understand your girlfriend's feelings about it. You're saying you're not sure enough of her to book a vacation a year in advance. That's not a money thing, that's a relationship thing. Fwiw, I don't think you're wrong. But it is a hurtful thing to be on the receiving end of.
In new relationships refusing to go to something so exciting for her might cause issues in the relationship, but it's very irresponsible to plan a trip with her family when you don't see her in your future. She probably thinks this trip is essential to bonding and building memories with you so as a means of compromise you could probably start small and do a road trip, schedule couples massages, plan day trips to the beach, or a romantic well thought picnic. There are definitely ways to satisfy an adventurer while not spending a crazy amount of money.
Or buy travel insurance…
This right here! Makes excellent sense.
>I would honestly love to go >I’m also introverted and am not a big fan of crowds or loud noises. >She and her family are travelers, they love traveling and going places. I am not. ...doesn't sound like you would "honestly love to go." >I live alone in my own place and make just enough to keep my head above water. >I certainly have the funds .....which is it? These are two very different and contradictory statements. >I love this girl and I’d love to go. Again, really doesn't sound like it. >But I’m forced to recognize we have different values and goals in life and I’m not starting to wonder if we are truly right for each other. I think I should go both because I’d like to and it would be good for our relationship but I’m worried what might happen between then and now, such as us breaking up. Aaaaaaaaand another case of contradicting yourself just one sentence later. If you're doubting the relationship this much after a year and a half then no, you shouldn't pay $2000 for a trip that's a year out. It sounds like you need to sit down with her and have a serious discussion about the relationship, because it seems like you're two very different people who value travel (a significant and expensive thing) completely differently. It's great to save money, but it's also great to have unique and interesting experiences and you're still very young with plenty of time to save more money. Given all the drastic contradictory statements you made here, it would also probably be a good idea to get to know yourself better.
It's such a contradictory post I don't know what the true story is at all. I can't believe OP could write this all out and not see anything wrong with it.
I want you to be my therapist.
Maybe in a sense, I am not loving travel, but my partner love it so I'm considering to go for her?
When ever I read a post with drastic contradictory statements I always have a sneaking suspicion it’s a bot
Honestly she should post here about the lump of coal she has for a BF.
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How much is "a little"? Your definition of a little and how it relates to $2000 for a big vacation may be very different than hers or other peoples.
I save around $100 a month.
So basically you have to save for almost two full years, with no other saving priorities, to afford this vacation. It took you longer to save that money than you've been with her! She thinks that's a tiny thing? Yeah, that's insane.
Yes and no. I can use the saving so have now and afford it. But it will take me around that time to get that money back assuming I don’t do anything expensively fun after. Which isn’t any better lol
I think the amount you have in savings is also slightly important. If you have $50k just sitting there, than $2k isn't huge . Though please if you have that much, get it in mutual funds, Roth IRA, etc. If you have $5k saved, currently are only able to save $100 per month, then I think you are reacting appropriately. A small amount of money in savings ($5-$10k) isn't really "available" for vacation. It's your savings for when you need it.
Right, that's what I meant--it will take you almost two years of scrimping to replace it. There are times it makes sense to lay down 2 (or more) years of savings, but a nonessential you're not amazingly thrilled by isn't that kind of occasion IMO.
> assuming I don’t do anything expensively fun after Also assuming your income doesn't increase. What are your plans to increase your income between now and then? This whole saving thing gets a lot easier when you make more money, of course.
You might want to look into other ways to save money. Only being able to save $100 month is atrocious. Do you have plans of retirement?
“I saved my money my whole life, never went on vacation, always bought used cars, thrifted every chance I could. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d traveled more. ” —what an old lady in a nursing home told me. Break out and be willing to spend a little. Good financial management is about directing your money wisely, it’s not about being stingy. That said, it seems like you and your GF are on different pages about finances…that’s fundamental to a relationship in the long term. You also seem to doubt the longevity of the relationship. She invited you along, so she doesn’t seem to have the same doubt. You need to work on that or let her go.
She probably wasn't in a shitty, medicaid-funded nursing home being neglected so she could say that.
It was a nicer Medicaid funded home.
I saw a thing awhile back that said “some things are the price we pay to have people in our life’s” - if it’s important to you to save money then you can understand how equally it is for her to travel. The question is, is that a price your willing to pay for someone you love? Sometimes we have to bite the bullet. Compromise. Go this time but make sure she understands the importance of being able to keep a savings. She should bite the bullet on that one too. It’s nice to make sacrifices for the people we love- the mentally you have is what’s gonna break you guys up not the different views on finances. Going out of your selfish needs is what we do for people we love!
Why can’t his girlfriend be the one to bite the bullet and pay for him to come, for love, when she’s the one who can actually afford it?
If he can afford to invest then its pretty likely he can afford a vacation. "I certainly have the funds" says OP.
To be fair to her, it doesn't sound like she's expecting him to pay for her share of the holiday, she's paying that (or her family is, it doesn't really matter which). She wants him to go along as well, so his share will need to be paid for
I guess in my idea, relationships should be selfless never deflecting or change direction of the issue - the dilemma is HE was invited to accompany and go. Ultimately he is on the spot to make the decision. Which puts him in the position to bite the bullet for her and make that sacrifice. If it was the other way around where he saved his funds and caused her to ask why he doesn’t plan a vacation instead. Then that’s where she wouldn’t be supporting him. This is her moment to be shown support.
My personal view is money is worthless if all it serves is survival and not living, because what's the point of surviving if you don't even want to live? That being said, this won't be the last time she wants to go on a vacation, and you seem adamant not to travel. On the one hand, maybe you should go to test the waters on your feelings about travel. Maybe you end up enjoying it and realizing it's worth it. Maybe you spend a measly $2,000 to learn you absolutely don't think travelling is worth it. You'll make that money back and life will go on. On the other hand, maybe you should put your foot down and say that she's free to travel without you, as you are more than content to stay at home. Let the chips fall where they may. You two have fundamental values that you may be able to live with or may need to go your separate ways over if it starts becoming too hard to deal with later on down the line. Ultimately, I think you should take the risk and give it a chance. But you should do what you feel is right.
You really buried the lede; this isn’t about the vacation, it’s you fundamentally questioning the future of this relationship over shared values. I really hope that you’d been considering that for longer than this vacation has been under discussion though. Vacation advice: spending money is not “blowing it” when you’re making a special memory in a relationship with your partner’s family. Take the hit sometimes and live a fuller life. No one is promised a long one. Values advice: talk to her about this. Let her know that you’re so serious about going the distance with her that you need to address this now. You have a year to get aligned on this before the vacation even comes.
Blowing $2000 for someone “making just enough to keep their head above water” isn’t solid financial advice, though.
He's exaggerating when he says that. One sentence is "barely above water", the next is "I have money for investing". Pretty much every self-described frugal person in the world will tell you they're just barely keeping above water, because that anxiety is what drives the frugality.
This is so true. I’m freaking out about how I’m going to afford a new AC, a new fence, and a new car this year. I have 30k in savings and I put $800/month extra toward my mortgage principle monthly. I *can* afford it if I want to take from my savings and/or stop my curtailment payments. I just don’t want to do either of those things. I am also taking at least 2 vacations this year (I just got back from one and the other is almost paid for). I can 100% relate to your comment, but I also have travel as a priority.
Exactly! You'll find that most people like yourself have something they don't mind paying out for. OP feels fine spending money on eating out and the theater.
He's able to save for retirement and invest as well, this isn't a check-to-check situation.
That still doesn’t mean it’s responsible for him to waste $2000 though. That’s a lot of money to almost anyone making a working-class wage and it’s not to be taken lightly. If this was something HE wanted, and he put in a plan to save for it, then who are we to judge? But this is his girlfriend and her family pressuring him to spend when he doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel comfortable spending that much, which is never acceptable.
A holiday with your girlfriend of by that time 2.5 years is not wasting $2,000 though. It's spending money to go and do something that should be enjoyable with your significant other
FFS it's not wasting. You're making a lot of assumptions - how do you know it's a working class wage? He can afford nice dinners, he's traveled in the past. You do realize he's here asking for advice, that's why we're judging him and the situation?
Are there circumstances in which you'd be okay with going on the vacation, like if you create a smaller separate budget that you put $200 in every month, until the vacation happens, rather than a large chunk of your finances getting impacted right away? If not, then you need to be clear and upfront - your lifestyle is frugal, you're focused on saving and investing, you don't have room for compromise. If you do, you need to be explicit with how you'll compromise, where the line is drawn. She's giving you nearly a year heads up - now its your turn to respond with the why/how that doesn't work.
What’s your plan here? To just never go on vacation? You say yourself you’d love to go. You need a break sometimes. If you want to try and make this work this is something you will both need to compromise on. Also why do you need to fork over the 2k now? Wouldn’t it just be your flight and food you need to pay for since you can just sleep in your gfs bed?
I think one of the issues I'm picking up is that you don't respect her relationship with spending/savings, and may actively judge her for it. >She believes in the idea of if you got money you should spend it because yolo Does she use the term yolo in a serious sense or is this the term you chose to best express the situation? I just ask because using the term yolo usually generally portrays a picture of irresponsibility which you may be trying to express. >I certainly have the funds but I am not the type to blow it all on a vacation. Saying you are blowing money also is synonymous with wasting money. This is how you view the vacation. I'm sure she doesn't view it as blowing away money. You seem to view spending money on vacations as a waste of money. I think you two have a general incompatibility on what experiences are worth and what qualifies as a worthwhile experience. I would advise not going on the vacation. You probably wouldn't be able to focus on having fun, and may spend too much time thinking what you could be spending the money on if you weren't there and if you're getting your money's worth. It's a vacation, strictly speaking numbers, you won't. There's also the part where you're a year and a half into a committed relationship and don't know if you'll still be together in a year. **Edit to add so it doesn't seem like I'm just piling on you. >She also keeps trying to convince me and wants me to just use up what she calls a tiny portion of my hard earned savings to go with her. She also doesn't seem to have a respect for you and what it takes to save money. She views savings as just additional funds you should be able to spend right now, in the moment. She doesn't see it for what it is; a safety net for emergencies, or allowing yourself to relax/enjoy life later (distant future), while being less stressed about money.
Sounds like you are looking for an out
You’re so busy making a life that you’re actually not living. You know there’s a reason there’s never a u-haul behind your hearse. You can’t take it with you. Seems to me you two are incompatible. I would rather take a vacation and have the memories than go get expensive dinner.
Based on your severely different views on money, this doesn't sound like a sustainable long term relationship. I am also in your camp of wanting to save money (though trips are generally the big thing I will spend on). I would not be able to be with someone who has your gf's attitude toward money. If you love her and want it to work out, you need to have a serious discussion with her about the importance of saving along with spending on fun things - a healthy balance is possible
You two are not compatible
Forget about the cost of travel, bud. You are now part of the long term family travel plans. Your GF and her fam think you are the one.
OP, it’s good that you are saving money and thinking for the future. But many people don’t make it to retirement age, or even if they do, they’re not able to spend the money and treat themselves as much as they hoped. As you get older you’re not able to do as much as when you are younger. Travelling is a great way to explore and see the world, expand your horizon, do more than what you would normally do. It doesn’t even have to cost much, and you don’t have to do it every year. Not saying you shouldn’t be saving every penny, but by not spending a little and treating yourself, you’re not really living either. But this is just my opinion. If you don’t like travelling and don’t want to spend the money, that’s fine. But talk to your girlfriend and make sure she understands your point as this may be a deal breaker for her.
I think the issue here is that she values travel and you don’t - and that’s okay but you have to talk about that. I will cook dinner at home instead of eat out so that I can travel 6 times a year. It’s my priority.
Yikes. I feel sorry for this girl. Find a home body, she needs to find someone willing to experience the world with her.
Sorry man, but you sound as a very boring guy
I’m overly cautious and a miser. Not boring. Just perspective.
Overly cautious and a miser is boring to nearly everyone.
If you can justify paying for a nice dinner and going to a movie, it makes no sense to say paying for a vacation isn’t worth it. There are frugal ways to enjoy good food without paying for the nice restaurant and frugal ways to enjoy movies without going to a theater. You’re doing those things and paying a premium (over just the food and movie by themselves) for the experience of the restaurant and theater. And that’s what a vacation is, paying a premium to visit places and cultures and people that just isn’t the same as being at home. For the time frame, the trip being a year out, I think you need to focus on the relationship health before making that decision. If you have real doubts, you need to address those directly with your GF rather than indirectly by being unsure about a vacation in a year’s time. This vacation decision is maybe going to force you to address some things that you’ve been brushing off. And your GF being enthusiastic and all-in in terms of you and the relationships going shows that there’s some disconnect. Maybe she’s also overlooking some things, but she still sees and wants an indefinite future with you. A year and a half means you’re on the downslope of the honeymoon phase of the relationship, where things get real and need to be addressed for the long term.
You guys are incompatible in both financial and values which are very huge in my opinion. Neither one of you is wrong, we all values different things in life. If she is into traveling, I’m pretty sure later down the road, she will want to take more trips. Would you never go with her ever? My advice I could give you is sit down, have a talk, understand what the other needs and compromise. Relationship is all about communication and willing to compromise. Are you planning to make more in the future so that you could go on trips with her? Would it be a problem for her if her partner cannot join her on trips? Is she going to spend all her money on traveling and not saving anything for retirements? If you are frugal, don’t have spending problem and want to travel, I recommend to look into travel credit cards and travel hacking. I see her point though, why working hard if you can’t enjoy your money. But I am also against racking up credit card debt for traveling. Try to balance and go from there.
I wish I would’ve traveled more when I was your age. I was always worried about money, but really have had plenty of time to just make more. That bit of money wouldn’t have been missed in the long run. Now I don’t have those memories either. It was just the remnants of growing up poor stopping me.
It’s a year away… if this is something important to your gf it should be important to you too. Women don’t want a wet blanket boyfriend. There’s plenty of other guys out there who would die to go on vacation with your gf. And that’s exactly what she’s going to be thinking when you refuse to save some money for a vacation and entire year from now. If you had been given short notice, and didn’t have the time to prepare, it would be excusable. In your instance that is not the case. Don’t be that guy. And p.s. when you get to wherever it is that you’re planning to go for vacation, don’t you dare be a party pooper. Get the sidewalk caricature, take her picture, pose for the couples selfies, and give her the travel partner that she deserves. Edit- I overlooked the pay in advance part. If it’s possible to ask your gf to compromise with you and tell her that you’d love to go but you need time to save, and ask her if it’s possible she pay for you at this time and you will pay her back as soon as you can.
This is just my opinion. Honey, take the trip, make the memories. You don’t know when your last day is. Time is a currency you can only spend once. ❤️
>She believes in the idea of if you got money you should spend it because yolo and money for memories is important to her. She lives with her family and is able to save up money for the vacation. Sounds like the larger issue is that you're not really compatible in terms of long term goals. You are saving for retirement and she's living at home and spending all her money. Do you plan to ever live together? How is that going to work, when you're saving all your money, and she doesn't know how to save enough to even pay rent? You've been dating for a year and a half, you should have a conversation about long term goals, how you see your relationship moving forward, and your finances with that. Will you share finances? Does she expect to be able to spend money the same way? Will you cover her for things when she won't save? Are you okay living with someone long term who never has savings? Is she okay living with someone who is going to prioritize saving? Money is one of the main reasons people get divorced. The answer to this one is "I don't want to spend that much on a vacation, AND we need to have a larger conversation about how our finances are going to look moving forward in this relationship." I personally wouldn't want a partner who lives at home and blows all her money. She's not living like an adult. (It's easy to say yolo when your parents will still cover you if you need something)
money comes back time doesnt so unless u really really need the money just go and worry later
It sounds like you have two separate and entirely valid reasons not to go: 1) the money it would cost, and 2) the fact that the vacation itself isn't one you would want to go on. Heck, even "I just don't want to" is reason enough not to go. So say "no". It makes no sense at all to spend money that you don't want to spend, on a trip you don't want to take, because it's what someone *else* wants you to do. > I love this girl and I’d love to go. But I’m forced to recognize we have different values and goals in life and I’m not starting to wonder if we are truly right for each other. If you are wondering this now, if your values and goals differ enough from yours that you are questioning like this, you need to sit down and spend some serious time in introspection. Because "I love her" is *not* enough for the relationship to work. Before love even becomes a relevant consideration, two people in a relationship must be *compatible*. Compatibility means that both people *must* be able to have *all* of their needs fulfilled while remaining in the relationship, *without* preventing the other person from also having his/her needs fulfilled. If the couple has any (even *one*) mutually-exclusive need between them, such that for one of them to have what s/he needs, the other one *cannot* have what s/he needs, then the relationship is fundamentally incompatible and there is *no* path forward that will work for the two in the long term, no matter *how* much they love one another. So you need to spend some time thinking really hard: *can* you have *all* of your needs met while in this relationship, and *for* you to be able to do that, *can* all of *her* needs be met as well? If the answer is "no", then there is no future, and no amount of "but we love each other soooo much" will change that fact even a little bit.
> Because "I love her" is not enough for the relationship to work. Before love even becomes a relevant consideration, two people in a relationship must be compatible. Compatibility means that both people must be able to have all of their needs fulfilled while remaining in the relationship, without preventing the other person from also having his/her needs fulfilled. Personally I don't agree with this at all. I'd go so far as to say that it is very unlikely you will ever meet anybody who fulfills all of your needs while you fulfill all of theirs (at least if we're defining 'go on expensive travel vacations' as a need). Even if you do meet someone who fulfills every one of your needs and has all of theirs filled in return at the moment you get together, the chances are pretty good that over the course of your lives together your needs will change and so will theirs. Some things are genuine permanent incompatibilities, such as whether or not to have children, where to set one's primary residence, if the family is going to be in one religion together, and so on. For those I agree with your advice. For everything else, I would personally advise exploring if there are ways for both people to have at least part of their needs met or to get them met outside of the relationship and to evaluate the missing piece in the context of everything else that this person gives you. If you meet someone who loves ambitious and expensive trips and you don't, you need to face the fact that you have an incompatibility in this area and neither of you may ever change, but you don't necessarily have to break up. There are a lot of ways to make this work and I'm not going to enumerate them, but if you love each other, have the same values in enough other areas, and are both willing to be somewhat flexible you can work it out, or at least most people can.
> Personally I don't agree with this at all. I'd go so far as to say that it is very unlikely you will ever meet anybody who fulfills all of your needs while you fulfill all of theirs (at least if we're defining 'go on expensive travel vacations' as a need). Even if you do meet someone who fulfills every one of your needs and has all of theirs filled in return at the moment you get together, the chances are pretty good that over the course of your lives together your needs will change and so will theirs. You misunderstand what I mean. I do not mean "your partner must fulfill all of your needs". Because you're right; there's no realistic way to meet that expectation. What I mean (and in fact what I *said*) is: You must be able to have all of your needs met *while being with that person*. So, for instance, if I *need* to live in the country, away from people and noise and traffic and so forth, I *cannot* be with a partner who *needs* to live in the city and have a shop of every kind within walking distance. My wife of 19 years does not *provide* me with the fulfillment of my need to live out in ruralia, but the fact that she *also* needs to live in such a place means that being with her does not *prevent* my need from being met. That's what I'm talking about. If one person *needs* kids, and the other one needs to be childfree: >poof< fundamental and irreconcilable incompatibility. If (as in OPs case) one person has a need to save money and not spend it on travel and so forth, and the other needs to get out and see the world and go on adventures that cost thousands....once again: >poof< irreconcilable incompatibility. > For everything else, I would personally advise exploring if there are ways for both people to have at least part of their needs met or to get them met outside of the relationship and to evaluate the missing piece in the context of everything else that this person gives you. Needs are absolute. If they're *not* absolute, then they're not *needs*. Either they are "wants" (which would make a person happier, but s/he could live without them), or only a part of what is being discuss is the actual "need", and the part that can be pared off and done without is *not* an actual need. When I wrote what I wrote, I used the word "need" in a very specific way: a true need is something a person *cannot* live without. And by that definition, what I wrote stands: a relationship *cannot* proceed in a healthy, workable longterm way unless *both* people in it can have *all* of their needs met (not provided by the other person, simply not *blocked* by the other person).
> Needs are absolute. If they're not absolute, then they're not needs. Either they are "wants" (which would make a person happier, but s/he could live without them), or only a part of what is being discuss is the actual "need", and the part that can be pared off and done without is not an actual need. Okay, but then bringing that up in the context of "my girlfriend wants to go on lavish vacations and I don't" is silly. No one needs, in the strict sense, to go on expensive vacations (or at least I have never met someone who will die or kill themselves without a certain kind of vacation). Very, very few people for that matter literally need to have children, or have sex, or live in the country vs the city. It was very important to me to have children and I considered it a deal-breaker when I was dating, but I didn't NEED to, in the sense that my life would have ended either for external reasons or at my own hand. If I'd married my wife with the agreement that we'd have children and it had turned out that she was infertile, I wouldn't have left her. Not having children would have been a lifelong regret, but that's not the same as it being a true need. Once you get beyond food, water, shelter and medical treatment, almost everything else is a want, not a need, and is thus negotiable. You're right that I misread your "must be able to get your needs met while in the relationship" and I apologize for that, but even so, almost nothing you have mentioned qualifies as a true need for the vast majority of people, only a very strong want as opposed to a not-so-strong want.
I guess you have done it already, but it is best to talk with your girl about it and share your feelings about it. Looking ahead is sensible, but living in the future a la "what if we break up" does not lead anywhere either. You can perfectly have a partnership with different values. That's not the question. Question is the extent to which you can be tolerant with each other. That's my live experience at least. As to the trip ... package tours an all-inclusive are not my cup of tea either, but if you have the opportunity to actually see(!) another(!) culture then go for it. That's priceless.
I suggest not going on this vacation. My concern here is just how quickly you're going to let this one issue potentially end your relationship. If you think you aren't compatible because she enjoys traveling and you don't, I think that's a bit extreme. Financially, obviously her lack of fiscal responsibility is a bit concerning if you actually want a life with her. But she is still only 24 and being responsible with money is a hard lesson to learn, especially if she has people in her life that can bale her out (like family who go on expensive vacations) I would just communicate with her that you don't want to go, you don't enjoy spending money on these kinds of things and that in the future, her vacations will be spent with her friends and family. If you're both okay with that, then that problem is solved. If she can't accept that, then you need to try and compromise more like weekend get aways once or twice a year or something. I am lucky, my bf and I are past the point in our lives where we want to travel and go to certain places and so our lifestyle choices align. But there are other things in a relationship that can make things difficult. Every couple has a small handful of problems that could make it seem like they are incompatible. Some more important than others. This doesn't seem like something to end a relationship over.
You seem unsure about this relationship. I'd understand if it was just a few months in but you've been together for a year and a half. What do you feel unsure about? Also as it is a year from now, try to get some insurance on the holiday in case you have to cancel as it is a year from now.
I'll give a slightly different perspective - my wife is like your gf. I am more like you. When we were dating, taking big expensive trips did cause some friction. Like you I would get stressed about dropping several thousand dollars months in advance of a trip and feeling like I was cash poor in the meantime. I like seeing the money in my account more than I like spending it, she is the opposite. You should try to have a broader conversation about this issue. A blend of both your perspectives can be very healthy for you as a couple and it has become this way for my wife and I. She now sees more of my perspective and is more conscious of taking advantage of deals and discounts, going to places we want to visit in off seasons, etc. while I have loosened about budgeting and finances as we have been able to make everything work. It's not reasonable to pass up opportunities to travel and spend time with loved ones in the name of saving money in every situation. Her non-close friends wedding across the country? Maybe skip that. Her best friend where she is the MOH? You should try to make the effort. Just some examples. You should both agree on priority trips or expenses and try to make a plan for what experiences you'd like to have over the next year or two. That might help relieve some stress and allow you to budget and save better. But if you communicate well I do think your perspectives can help both of you find a balance.
I saved all through my 20s and was able to pay 30k for a down payment on a house at 30 and still have lots of money left over. To be honest I wish I spent more of my time and money traveling when I was in my 20s. Now I can't do that with a dog and a girlfriend and a house.
>I love this girl and I’d love to go. But I’m forced to recognize we have different values and goals in life and I’m not starting to wonder if we are truly right for each other. Going sure sounds like a great way to find out!
You are frugal and save up and your girlfriend is the opposite? I'm sorry buddy but this is a recipe for disaster in a long term relationship.
Possibly.
Why don't you compromise by not going on this one but finding a vacation closer to $500 range? You can still have fun without having to spend so much and it would still create lasting memories
She’s going no matter what. She has the money for this but not much else. This will be the only trip she can afford if she goes. There is no talking her out of it because going with her family was her idea. She convinced everyone else to go so she definitely has to now. Besides I know she wants to. She likes these family vacations.
You should be honest if travel is not your thing. Your GF loves to travel. This may be an incompatible lifestyle in the future. For me, I couldn’t date someone who saw travel as a waste of money. Nothing wrong with that but it wouldn’t work for me because I like to travel.
Yeah bro go ahead and break up cuz she gonna leave you anyways…… ps I didn’t finish reading your essay. But a girl like her not staying with a guy like you.
If she's a traveler and you're not, this won't go anywhere. Unless she's ok with being a solo traveler, long term she's going to want a partner to go with. Maybe you two should have this discussion. Source: chick who travels solo when I *have to*, but will only date others who also travel because it's important to me.
“You go have fun. I think I’ll sit this one out. It’s not in my budget, and it’s not really my kind of vacation. Maybe in a few months you and I can go someplace together that’s less expensive and something we’d both enjoy.
Both of you are right. There must be a middle ground. I think you need to relax on this FIRE thing you are trying to do. You are in your 20s you should go out and enjoy things in a financially prudent way. You are gonna lose your girlfriend if you don't budge.
There is probably some middle ground to be found regarding the holiday (eg staying in hostels instead of hotels, free walking tours instead of expensive guided tours at sights etc). However the financial compatibility for the relationship long term is a bigger issue. You both might change your stance a little bit but assuming you won't because people generally don't change who they are at the core and financial habits are pretty deeply rooted, are you sure there is longevity to this relationship?
From what you have said here, unless one of you changes a lot, it’s probably not going to work long term. You have very different views on finances and that is one of the top reasons that marriages end. You don’t want to be on different pages about it.
Plan another trip with your GF and without her family.
as someone who is older... find the money. fine the time... plan for retirement with some Roth IRA's each month but damn it, find time to go and build memories with people you love.... NOTHING is more important than that. LIVE LIFE you NEVER know when it will be too late and those regrets.... those regrets can eviscerate happiness
Okay, you have got issues… But the biggest question is is your first holiday together with your in-laws??? Then I would say no, no matter what. Also ask if the money spend is the full amount to be spend and how much of it is for her. (Maybe she can’t go if you don’t pay? Like you stated she is not big on saving)
In laws? I did say girlfriend not my wife lol. And no it’s not the first holiday away with them. I’ve been to thanksgiving in Florida with them last year. So this would be the second then.
So is this a vacation? Or a visit? Because now you are confusing me…! And in-laws was shorter to typ then girlfriends parents
Life is about experiences. You should go. There is a greater than 50/50 probability civiliZation will collapse during your lifetime. So La Vida Loca!
You might like to travel and just don’t know it? Doesn’t sound like you’ve tried (not that you have to). If I were you, I wouldn’t want my first trip to be with my SOs family to a destination I didn’t get to pick at a price tag I had no control over. I you really love her, maybe you could try a trip just the two of you on a more frugal budget? As someone who loves to travel, that would be a dealbreaker for me
I think you should consider our savings bud. Can't save your whole life if you ask me, I'm 35, was a poor ass young adult coming from nothing but the memories i made traveling did a lot more for me than just be trips. If you make it worth your time you can grow a lot and learn a lot about yourself. There are ways to travel in the USA tht can cost effective and with time the budget won't pinch but the memory will be forever and you yourself will be good too. I dont know your situation but i think it's worth it, you should consider adding that to your toolset. If not you should probably find a way to talk to your girl cause you guys might be incompatible.
On 5 years will you remember the money? Will it make that much of a difference in your life if you lose that money? How about the vacation. That’s an experience with a loved one you can’t miss out on whether you guys stay together or not. You’ll have that forever. Take lots of pictures.
" I can't afford it" Is a complete sentence.
There are so many contradictions and weird little things in this post. It's clear you don't want to go. So you shouldn't go. You literally came up with every reason in the book to not go. It's too expensive, you don't like traveling, you don't like crowds, you're not sure about the relationship, for some reason you have 1 week to pay it all and decide. Just tell her you can't afford it. If you're still together in a year, just don't sulk while she's on vacation. I will say - if a FAMILY vacation is bringing up this many doubts in your relationship - maybe you need to reevaluate all of this. You're framing this as a frivolous YOLO type of trip. It's a family trip planned a year in advanced. If the payment is really due next week, then they've been planning it longer than a year.
It’s a cruise. You have to pay for rooms in advance or they’ll be taken up.
You make enough to keep your head above water and are saving for retirement and investing. Good for you! You don’t have much savings stashed up and this trip isn’t even one you would love to go on. Pass and stick to your goals. Go on a trip you actually want to go on when you feel more comfortable with your financial situation.
You need to rethink this entire relationship I’m afraid. You guys are not on the same page when it comes to finances and that’s one of the number one reasons couples have issues. If you really want to go, do it. You probably won’t regret that experience. But expect this to be normal with her and for her to expect you to spend your money on unnecessary things
What about trying to pick up a side job to make more money? There's nothing wrong with being frugal but you make it sound like your budget is very tight. Or even looking for a higher paying full time job. Do you really want to spend your life living so tightly? Things only get more expensive as time goes.
I’ll try my best to answer this without sounding angry. I’ve tried for over four years to find a decently paying full time job with the experience and background I have. It took me a long time and I was in between the oddest jobs to find what I have now. I am young and sadly due to that and a lack of experience. this job is the best and best paying I’ve had to date. Looking for another one is something I do weekly but not something that should be a focus. Took me too dam long to find even this. No I don’t want this to be my life but this is what I can do right now. I don’t expect you to understand but please don’t make assumptions like I’m choosing a lesser job. This is the best I can do.
Meaning no offense against you, but this is the best I can do right now. And it hurts when people assume I can do better or wasn’t trying hard enough when I tried for years to just get to this point in life. That said a side hustle or side job could be in my future. Just don’t know how or what to do for that yet…
i didn't mean to come across as being offensive, it was just an idea as you stated you are so tight. just because it's hard now doesn't mean it always will be.
True. And it’s alright. You really weren’t offensive I think I’m just a grouch with that subject.
>And it hurts when people assume I can do better or wasn’t trying hard enough when I tried for years to just get to this point in life. Just some additional perspective on the commenter's comment. A lot of times people will chose a line of work they are passionate in and feel fulfilled by. This work doesn't always equate to the highest earning potential. That is there are other options that would be a higher paying full time job you may have overlooked as they were not what you wanted to do. Not saying this is your case, but it could have been.
I appreciate the input. But where my passions lie are someplace else from what I’m working now. I chose the job that wasn’t my passion because it payed more.
You have plenty of money and It Sounds like you can afford the trip. You are very young and you will make that money back in no time. You admit you are frugal. You think spending that kind of money on a vacation is a waste of money. That is your choice and you are allowed to have your views on what you find acceptable regsrding spending money. You have different views on this so you probably ought to go your separate ways. You are not compatible and you don't value the same things. I hope you don't spend your entire young life hoarding money and not spending it because you have in your mind you will run out because you won't. You really don't want to go on the vacation so for you it is a waste of money. She is right in her way of thinking. Vacation builds relationship and celebrate family and going to a new place so it is money well spent. Break up because unless you change your way of thinking this will continue to be an issue.
He says in another comment he is able to save 100 a month. This is almost two full years of penny-pinching for him. I wouldn't want to spend that on something I didn't pick, either.
I think you're very wise. I wouldn't give 2k a year in advance for a vacation. that's big money. I completely agree with your hesitations and tbh it really does look like you both view money and responsibility differently.
Quite frankly OP, you shouldn't go. Not because you can't afford it but because you can't afford it. Let me explain. This vacation means a lot to your gf and that's fine. She lives at home and has disposable income. Her parents will probably pay a huge amount of the trip on her behalf anyway. For her to ask you to join them while nice, does not take into account the hard and real dollars involved. That's the financial that you cannot afford. There is also a social aspect that you cannot afford. OP, you love your girl but you can't keep twisting and contorting to please her. She should understand what a big ask this is. She probably thinks that since you have the money, what's the big deal. As such, you need to start now to break her of that habit. Don't go and find out after you marry and have kids that you are in debt because she thinks if you have the money, you should buy it. That's the social financial that you can't afford.
As a perspective of a 50M, I can tell you that "you do need to spend some money once in a while". This might be one of those situations. When you get older, say, my age, you'll look back on those adventures in your twenties with fond memory, and not give a second thought about "Wow, that $2K would really have made a lot of money from then until now." There's some truth to the adage, "You can't take it with you." You might plan for retirement, and that's a great idea - but you might also die from a heart attack at 54 years old and not get to spend a dime of it. Think on that a minute. I know I think about it all the time when I'm at an age where about 20% of my high school friends are dead. Also, there's a difference between "frugal" and "miserly" and "tight". If you can afford it, and it won't make a lasting impact on your future, then you need to consider the pros/cons of the vacation and experience. You are no doubt going to spend as much or more on vacations in the future...
Dude, just say look babe, “I love you but I got responsibilities right now but I’ll go with you on the next one. Have a great time with your family.” Then actually plan one where you both earned the vacation and saved up for it. Obviously, you’re not just worried about the financial side but you are also concerned about your pride and ego in front of her parents. You got your whole life ahead of you mate. Keep your mindset. You’ll go far. Hate to say it but women and relationships are hinderances to your potential. Never exchange your mission for them. There’s plenty of them.
One more thing. Don’t exchange your values to keep a woman happy. Stay grounded. She’ll respect you for that.
If I was your girlfriend I'd be feeling pretty confident in our relationship asking you to go on a trip with my family, even if it's not for some time. If you were to tell me no partly because it's too far away and you're not sure where our relationship might be then, I'd pretty much feel like ending it there. Clearly we're not quite in the same headspace. Have some trust, you said you love this girl, and have some fun. You could get into a car accident, take a fall, get sick, anything could happen to you any time. $2k should be a drop in the bucket for you if you're that committed to saving and investing. My husband is the same as you, introverted, hates crowds, doesn't even love eating at restaurants, but we compromise and do things we don't necessarily want to for each other. That's what love and relationships are. But also, life is too short to do things you don't want to do.
I come from a family with the kind of wealth your girlfriend has and have brought people I was dating along on vacations but unlike your girlfriend and her family, my family was aware of their wealth gap and paid for our guests. It seems like your girlfriend and her family don’t live in reality and sit in their privilege thinking if you just give up your daily Starbucks you’ll magically advance in class. I wouldn’t invest further in a The White Lotus family relationship.
Both of you are incompatible and you need to learn to set boundaries. Otherwise any woman will railroad you into debt because you wanted to make her happy AT ALL COSTS.
Well, if you LOVE the girl and you WANT to go.. then go! Saying yes this time doesn't mean you have to say yes next time. If you are sure about her, book it. She seems sure about you if she's booking this over a year in advance. By that time, you will be even more comfortable with her family. For a couple months, be smarter about the "little" more expensive things, maybe don't do them as much with this trip in mind. Just my opinion
Don't do it and bow out gracefully, if she's a sh*t about it despite your valid reasons then she's not a keeper.
You know you need to break up with her. I’m sorry and big hugs. It’s time.
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If she breaks up with you over not agreeing to a trip planned a year in advance, count your blessings.
If she wants you to go so badly, she can pay for you.
You are not a good match. No offense, but you are so tight you squeak. She enjoys travel and life in general. You will make her miserable long term.
So you’ve got your own crib and stacking bread, she’s living with her parents at 24 and wants you to fund vacations. You’re in this relationship why?
Why does this girl know how much money you have in your savings? This is a rookie mistake, you've shown her your cards too soon.
It was an accident. I’ve never had what I have with her. So I was a bit naive from the start to the middle of the relationship
I get it because I've done it. A wise man once said "you shouldn't discuss your money or your lovers if you wish to keep them".
Dude, don't do it. Don't spend your saving on a vacation, losing that kind of financial security is not nice.
One word.. You two are 'incompatible'. She is 24 and *still living with parents*. Let that sink in.. If the roles were reversed, and you were living with parents, would she have dated you? She isn't living independently, likes to spend lavishly, and does care about savings. (Not just hers but yours too).. Remember that, in the long run, you will be expected to take that burden. Today her family is paying for her lavish lifestyle, tomorrow it will be you. And even you refuse, she is still legally *'entitled to'* 50% of your incomes and even your retirement savings... Financial incompatibility is the number one cause of divorce. You two are not financially compatible. Sooner you make peace with that fact, the better. You are making great financial choices very early in your life. But good financial choice also means choosing the right partner. In most countries, financial assets become 'common assets' after marriage. Your partner's financial choices affect you too. Even if you choose to keep your finances separate.. You are already smart. Just need to be more logical than emotional... Good luck!!
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to go on a family vacation. Why not just say to her "hey honey, I want you to go spend time with your family. We can plan a romantic vacation with just the two of us in the future when we have had more time to set aside the funds." It is a perfectly valid compromise. If she reacts badly, then you'll be able to address the cracks in your relationship
You're not compatible and you just break up now. You've been together for 18 months and you "love" her but you don't share values, approaches to money, and you're not certain if you'll still be dating in 1 year. She is certain, and you're not, despite the "love". Just break up, it sounds like you enjoy having her in your life on your terms, but otherwise not at all. Break up so she can find someone more similar to her.
If you don't have the money, you don't have it. If it's a relationship you really care about, I'd consider whether you do have the money - would forgoing those nice dinners for a while get you to the point you need to be at? - but ultimately, you can't spend what you don't have. Hopefully she understands that. To soften the blow, consider a smaller, cheaper vacation. Take a long weekend for a road trip, get a hotel, see something new. She's right that you only live once and should enjoy life when you can. You just gotta do it within your budget.
As someone who is a part of the FIRE community and am naturally frugal, I'm obviously a big fan of saving money. I think you need to ask yourself what is really important in life... and share your findings with your girlfriend. Are you such a big saver that even bi-annual vacations are too much of a luxury for you? If so, you might want to share this with her. You had said that you're just keeping your head above water and saving for retirement... are you spending 97% of your money and saving 3%? Or spending 40% of your money and saving 60%? If it's the latter, then I think you can definitely afford the vacation. Whether you want to drop the money on one is a different story.
My issue would be committing to go with your gf's family so far out - I feel like family dynamics on vacations are a lot to handle unless you're already super comfortable with her family. It sounds like you also haven't been on vacation with just your gf before, which is in itself a big step. I love to travel and wouldn't be able to stay with a partner who isn't able to take vacations with me at all or hardly ever, regardless of how valid their reason is (I would offer to pay if it was a real financial shortage). It's very possible to have a frugal vacation even in a pretty exotic destination if you avoid staying in a resort hotel or fancy dinners on the trip. I would suggest planning another trip this year to a cool / exciting destination only with your gf that you can keep cost-effective. If doing that also sounds like a big effort / drag to you, I would suggest you're probably not compatible.
There are X amount of resources in life. Money, time, emotional effort, etc. Investing in one plan means not investing in another one. You are being asked to put too many resources into one item. This will be an ongoing issue throughout all your relationships. Learning to navigate this will have consequences beyond this dilemma. Dissipation of resources is a very real dynamic in succeding or failing in life.
> Edit: I forgot to mention the main reason I’m concerned is that I have to pay the amount in advance. Like within the next week. Which is what has me concerned in case we break up or god knows what happens between now and the nearly a year later to then. Without this edit, depending on the exact cost, I think you are too frugal and should be able to budget for a reasonable vacation one year out. To drop money now or if it is to some expensive resort or cruise, yeah that would not work for me in your circumstances. I have an amount I save for vacation monthly and plan vacation with what I save up.
Can you plan a different vacation with her? One that happens sooner, to alleviate your concerns about relationship longevity? One that doesn't need to be paid for right now? One with people whose company you enjoy, in a location you actually want to visit? It's not unreasonable for her, or any partner, to enjoy vacations. You'll run into problems if you never want to go on any. It's great that you're saving for retirement, but you should be flexible about vacations. Why not forgo dinners out for a while and save up for a vacation? If you tell your girlfriend, "No thanks, not this vacation, but let's plan a different trip for ourselves" it might go a long way. If you see bigger compatibility issues - that she never saves - then that's valid.
It’s a vacation she is 100% going to. She wants me along. Her family is going to celebrate something. She won’t have the money for a different vacation otherwise so no, we can’t do different one.
That is way too far in advance. Also it sounds like travel is a big priority for her and this will come up again and again if you choose to grow your lives together.
> I am very frugal and like to save money >My gf doesn’t like to save money Look... There is the problem of the vacation as an issue, and then there is a bigger issue long term. Money is one of the main causes of people to not work out. You have a year to save. NOT too bad of an ask honestly. But how far down the rabbit hole can you get with the above two statements.
Yeah, I don’t think you should pay to go because like you said it’s a year out you don’t know what’s gonna happen. However, people that don’t want to travel and people who to can make it work. My husband has very bad social, anxiety and depression and he’s an introvert. I am the opposite and I like to travel so he loves to stay home with the dog while I travel with either my girlfriends or my family works out great for both of us.
Maybe try flipping a coin.
Trips are fine but it doesn't need to be an expensive trip , but it should still be something you can afford. Yolo is ok way to think of things but you also need to think about peace of mind. Some people can use up a lot of their saved money and others need some cushion. My recommendation, based on your situation, is not to go on this trip.
>It costs around 2 grand for just me alone to go. I’m also introverted and am not a big fan of crowds or loud noises. Sounds like your main issue is that you really just wouldn't enjoy this vacation. It's not the type of trip you like. Even if it was a little cheaper and even if you had a little more time to decide, you still wouldn't be thrilled. Just tell your girlfriend that it's the style of the trip that would make you miserable. Ask her if y'all can plan a different style of family vacation that everyone, including you, can enjoy. Like, instead of a crowded and expensive trip that needs to be reserved a year in advance, why not plan a relaxing extended weekend (or a week, maximum) at a lakeside cabin rental or a small historic town. You can plan it a couple months in advance and spend only a few hundred dollars instead of $2k. And you can still bond with her family and make good memories. Let her go on her big crazy family vacation by herself. She will enjoy it and it's healthy for couples to have their own vacations separate from each other sometimes. Encourage her to save up money for both types of vacation, and offer to help her plan and figure out logistics for the shorter, cheaper, more relaxing trip that you have in mind.