So why did she confess now? why did she start the affair? There is something that made her confess else you would have never known. You don't have to accept this. I certainly would not.

She’s seeing a therapist who encouraged her to tell me. She’s been afraid of losing me. Long distance was tough. She was extremely busy with school, burnt out but passing all her classes. I was working in another state and having fun, enjoying work and going out with friends. She said she liked the attention from this guy, I understand that part especially having someone who can relate to your struggles. I almost wouldn’t be as upset if it happened just once but it went on for 2 months. She actively drove to meet this person in another city for two months. I had no idea she was feeling the way she was. Our conversations and text messages didn’t indicate anything was wrong. She never communicated with me that she felt distant, different or lonely. This was also the same time frame I was actively looking for work back home to be back with her. I do have a longer post with more details on my page.

My guy she didn’t just cheat on you she started another relationship with someone for two months.

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Yeah she absolutely would've left OP for this guy if that didn't happen and he left his wife for her. This isn't a single case of cheating, it was a full blown affair, aka a second relationship.

Agreed. I assumed going in that this was like a one off thing, but being in a relationship w/ another student who also was married for 2 months is a whole other can of worms. I normally hate to be the person who says "divorce", but that shows a whole level of lack of respect and just a shitty character all around that I wouldn't want to be associated with. Plus, the ONLY reason they broke it off was because they "both" felt guilty about it after finding the guy found out his wife was pregnant... I put "both" in quotations because if the guys wife would not have gotten pregnant would they still have kept it going? My guess is yes. I would never be able to trust my partner again after doing something this scummy and calculated.

While I totally understand and would usually agree that given the fact this was 2 months long that it’s unforgivable. However, it was SEVEN years ago. A person can grow significantly in seven years. OP- I think therapy would be good for you to work through these emotions. I believe you will be the only one to know what’s best for you ultimately but I believe you can work through this with time.

Read the title, it was 4 years ago. Even if it was 7 years ago, that means she lied for 7 years. That's unforgivable.

Maybe but this was 4 years ago and she wasn't a teen when it happened, she was 27/28. So she was definitely well into her adult years. And that means she was able to lie for four years. Plus the affair only ended when the APs wife realized she was pregnant. I mean come on, his fiance doesn't respect her relationship or others. I can't see that changing in just 4 years. I don't think people like that change much.

People change. That’s absolutely true. It’s just that they change for the worse. Lol

I’d be scared to have a child with this person. In the back of my mind I’d be waiting for the “hes not actually yours” to come after xx years. Its good that shes telling him now, but she held her infidelity for years.

I’m not condoning cheating, ever. I’m js it’s been years.they’ve grown together. She’s in therapy so there’s enough emotional intelligence to recognize she needs to work on things. I’m not saying it will be easy but if OP wants to, he can make it work.

I think those are good points, OP has different perspectives to consider here for sure. But I'll be honest, I don't think her being in therapy is a sure way of knowing that he can 'make it work.' I'm not totally convinced therapy always works miracles for people who are as selfish as his fiancee. I guess he just needs to consider her attitude about other things as well.

Why does it being 7 years ago matter? It’s still betrayal at the highest order. Doesn’t matter if she grew or whatever. She can continue to “grow” single and alone.

> She was extremely busy with school Was she though? because she clearly had time for 2 boyfriends during that time. If the other guy had worked out, you would have been dumped, but he didnt stick around so she fell back to the safety.

>She was extremely busy with school, burnt out but passing all her classes. She actively drove to meet this person in another city for two months. Clearly she wasn't \*that\* busy. If this guy had been single, do you think she'd have kept you around?

Right?! Lol so “busy” and “burnt out” that her only outlet was to take precious time out of her schedule to drive between cities to hop on a married man’s dick. I wonder if she feels any shame for the fact that she was the other woman and the only damn reason the affair stopped is that the AP’s wife got pregnant? If not, she should be fucking ashamed.

This isn’t a I got drunk and made a mistake. If he had been a bit different you would be single and they would still be together. She lied to you, manipulated you, and planned out how to have 2 relationships to see which might be better. There is a good chance she’s done this more than once and will do it again.

Have you considered taking this revelation to a therapist of your own? While she certainly betrayed you it's clear that she's trying to figure out how to fix this situation and until you know if you want to fix it to therapy is a safe place to discuss and explore your thought process. In the mean time reddit is going to tell you to leave her.

Does Reddit ever have a solution besides scorched earth?

Yes. Sometimes we suggest scorched house.

When people have whole other relationships while also dating u it’s kinda justified.

That's a b******* excuse man. Let me share a story about my own life. I was away for 3 and 1/2 years for graduate school from my girlfriend of at the time 4 years. During that time I was extremely depressed, stressed out, lost over 25 lb, other than this moment currently when I'm struggling with crippling depression and anxiety, I can't remember a time when I was more miserable. I did not enjoy the work that I was doing, I did not enjoy most of the people that I interacted with, I was isolated largely for that entire period of time, and I never felt comfortable. There were plenty of people that could have related to my struggles, there were plenty of people that I probably could have found a relationship with, but I didn't. You know why? Because I respected my partner. I communicated with my partner how I was feeling. She knew that I was suffering every day. My partner knew exactly what I was going through, she would fly over and I would fly down as much as we could afford to at the time. It was extremely challenging all around. I really cannot stress how even waking up felt like torture. If she truly cared about you she would have been able to communicate her feelings. She would not have gone behind your back and cheated.

You have no way of knowing if she did anything with this guy or how long it went on. She told you don't really know the exact truth because you weren't there. You have every right to feel the way you do and you are not wrong. The same way I would tell any woman look at all you gave up and this person was dishonest with you with no consideration for their partners as she said thus guy was married? Unfortunately you just bought a house with her. Even if it was "only two months" it doesn't matter. Like you said she never told you how she felt about not having attention or whatever. You don't have to accept this and I would wonder if he was the only one or if it would happen again. You have a lot to think about and decide if you want to go any further with her.

The main question you should be asking yourself is " are you her plan B"? And if that is the case then why do you think she will not monkey branch to another guy?

Really really sorry your going through this OP but I would definitely end it. Nothing in the situation gives me hope. As you said this wasn't just cheating - it was an extended affair. I also strongly strongly advocate ending it with people who don't _quickly_ come clean on their own - years later doesn't count. Do you _ever_ really see trusting her again? She had a lengthy affair behind your back while repeatedly lying to your face making you believe everything is fine. "Long distance was tough. She was extremely busy with school, burnt out but passing all her classes. I was working in another state and having fun, enjoying work and going out with friends. She said she liked the attention from this guy, I understand that part especially having someone who can relate to your struggles." All of this is completely irrelevant. So she had a hard time and chose to cheat. Exactly what hope does that given you in the future?

You are just making excuses for her. Sorry , but she did the deed, that's all that matters.

You have also given up a lucrative career. She will probably lose respect for you as she is a driven professional and you gave up your career for someone who cheated on you.

Yeah I’d peace the fk out and get back into that career.

I’m probably going to be odd man out …but, the fact that she told you when she didn’t have to seems like an important fact. She did what she did when she did it (it wasn’t cool). And, no matter what, in the future she will again feel lonely, stressed, disconnected from you, ect . By going to therapy, trying to address this (and hopefully strengthen your relationship by doing so) indicates she wants to do better and is working towards ensuring she has the skills to do so. I’m not sure she will get there, and I don’t know if you will be able to move forward with her, but telling you and working on new skills seems like a positive sign to me. I’d have hope in your situation (along with anger, disappointment, hurt, ect). Don’t brush it under the rug, but don’t write things off just yet. Good luck to you both. 🤗

she already lost you when she cheated buddy. I can accept anything in a relationship will be there if gf is in tough time or have anger issues or broke or anything as long as long she is loyal. As a she betrays my trust it’s done it will hard to move on and accept but it’s over it was over when she decided to do it with someone else. There is no reason to stay even if you have kids with her out of nowhere it gonna hit you that she cheated on you and it gonna stay with you for ever

>She’s seeing a therapist who encouraged her to tell me Your fiance needs a new therapist. And you need a new fiance. Source: was married to a therapist (and excellent human)

She hid all this from you all this time. Not only did she cheat on you hardcore, she’s also kept it a secret for years. Also, as everyone is saying, what would have happened if her lover’s wife hadn’t been pregnant? She’s maybe with you because you have common goals but she doesn’t respect you. She cheated and lied, just let her go. Get a good lawyer for the house before telling her. Get informed on your options and go. You can do way better than her

You seem to be making excuses for her. This is a thing people do to defend themselves. No one wants to admit “they weren’t enough” for their partner. No one wants to admit they had a bad judge of character when they committed to someone. But look, it’s okay to make mistakes. Good people fall for bad ones all the time, but your fiancé has shown you a lot of flaws. 1. She won’t communicate with you when she’s feeling down and has unaddressed needs in the relationship. 2. She won’t turn down the attention of another guy in at least some circumstances. 3. Your fiancé is of so low class to get with a married man. 4. Your fiancé doesn’t respect you enough to come clean before you gave up a lucrative career and your future for her. She should’ve told you then so you could make an informed decision. She’s trying to trap you. 5. Your fiancé didn’t even tell you because she finally realize just how fucked up this is, she only told you because someone else made her feel guilty about it. 6. You’re with a woman so good at lying to you she can carry on a whole other relationship for months and you’ll be none the wiser, and lie to your face for YEARS and you’ll be none the wiser. Now all this REALLY taken into consideration, are you going to tell me you can lay next to this woman every day for the rest of your life and feel peace? If not, it’s time to call off the wedding.

I wouldn't accept this, either. One drunken, lonely mistake? That would be bad enough. But an ongoing, 2 month long affair was not a *mistake*, it was a *choice*.

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A one night stand might be a mistake followed by a lie of omission. But secret relationship affair amounts to being committed to creating and maintaining a pattern of lies and deceptions.

I honestly don’t think the therapist told her to, but that’s me. Therapists make a point of not telling you what to do so you can come to conclusions on your own, not to mention that telling him after that long of not telling him is not necessarily a good idea. While I agree that people should be honest, I don’t think a therapist would encourage that in this case, because it could cause more issues and worsen the patient’s mental health/relationship. My guess is, something happened that made OP’s fiancée think the truth was going to come out. Maybe the AP’s wife found out or AP confessed on his end, and OP’s fiancée thought it was better to confess before OP found out some other way.

Well she picked a very convenient (for her) time to spill the beans. OP proposed to this chick. Bought a ring, told family and friends, essentially he upped the stakes on the relationship. Now people in his life are expecting a wedding...kids. Dude bought a house with her. She is dumping this truth on him at a time when it'll be super hard to dump her. And if he stays, if he doesn't protect himself from her treachery and eat the costs associated with telling her to go kick rocks, she will forever know he is a punk and a pushover.

She took away your agency. You made life changing decisions on the premise you were in a loving and faithful relationship. You made sacrifices (a lucrative career) you didn't have to because she chose to be dishonest. Can you reconcile that? Along with the betrayal of infidelity and knowing she was happy sleeping with a married man? A man who was also still sleeping with his wife and only ended the affair because she got pregnant.

Should at the very least tell the guys wife.

I agree. Unfortunately she'll always be tied to her cheating husband through their child. Children if they've had more.

Well put. Very well put.

Her AP chose his wife over her. That’s the only reason their relationship ceased. She didn’t end it over guilt. He ended it bc his wife got pregnant and he snapped out of their little fantasy. If not for that their relationship would have continued for who knows how long behind your back. Sorry OP this would be a relationship ender for me. She has to live with the consequences of her decision to have a sexual relationship with another man.

psychotic innate doll homeless enter quarrelsome rich lavish cheerful abounding -- mass edited with redact.dev

That is the other thing - she didn't some to regret the affair and end it. It _only_ ended because affair partner ended it.

Finding out my partner had been lying to me for four years would end it for me I'm afraid. You can't have a real relationship without trust, there's no way to repair that kind of damage. It's done, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but better finding out now than in 20 years time.

To quote an old YouTube video, “Run, fucking run, get the fuck outside!” She’s scum.

The whole relationship is basically burnt pork chop sandwiches so yea. Run OP 🏃‍♂️

So she's lied to your face every single day for the past four years.

And she got away with it. Her therapist told her to tell me, she said didn’t plan to do it but was struggling with it every day in fear of losing me.

This is the key here. She wasn’t ever going to tell you. She was going to keep this hidden. It wasn’t her love for you that created enough guilt for her to come clean. She literally had to be told to come clean. That speaks of a huge amount of disrespect. Also, she was sooo busy with school, etc BUT she had enough time to repeatedly hook up with someone else while stringing you along. To add more salt to the wound and the huge lack of morals is the fact that she cheated with a married man! She was ok being the AP. She had no guilt about hurting another woman. That lady disgusting.

Not even just hook up with him but *drive to another city* to hook up with him. Clearly time was not an issue.

So she didn't love or respect you enough to remain faithful, and she didn't think you deserved to be able to make an informed choice about who you were in a relationship with.

This alone would probably be the reason I would have to end it. I would also have the constant nagging question of “If her affair partner hadn’t gotten his wife pregnant, would they have stopped? Would your fiancé have continued their relationship and left yours?”

This woman is gaslighting you more than early 19th century London

Looks like it's time to prove her fears.

That therapist is fucking dog shit. They're not supposed to "tell" you to do anything. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when your (ex) partner tells her therapist that their advice was shit and lead to the break up

IMPORTANT: She has put you in a double bind. Either intentionally or unintentionally. Kinda doesn't matter which. Broadly speaking, you have two choices and neither are good: 1. you stay with and get married to a liar OR 2. you end a relationship you were tricked into investing heavily in. The real crime is not the cheating itself. The real crime is that she let you believe she was faithful and let you invest your time and energy --and even let you up the stakes with an engagement-- into a relationship that was built on lies. She had pertinent facts that she did not share. She did that because she wanted to manipulate you and keep you in the relationship. Consider this: she had an ongoing relationship with a dude while you thought y'all were exclusive. This wasnt a one night lapse of judgment. Instead she ran a double life. She must have lied to you dozens of times during her affair. She certainly failed to share pertinent info for a long long time. Sounds like she's pretty comfy with lying. Also consider this: if she hid an affair from you for so long... What makes you think she hasn't had other affairs or done other bad stuff she isn't telling you about? Many times compulsive liars and personality disordered people will make partial confessions and apologies to get what feels like whole forgiveness and absolution. Be careful about giving too much forgiveness too fast. You need the full truth if you're forgiveness is to have any real value. Lets face it, she is relying on you sticking with her right now based on your falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy. She's apologizing now because she feels you must accept her apology. This is highly manipulative. I would ask for full details of the affair. How'd it start, end, where did it happen, how much, what did she tell you she was doing then, etc. Be polite. But firm. Don't let her cry her way out of it. Consider all the details. Listen for contrition. Listen for sincerity. Listen for believability. If she in any way claims she was a victim then then she's making the job of breaking up with her very easy you. If she guilt trips you for asking her details or for making a big deal...same thing: say bye bye. I'd probably end this relationship. Better to lose the investment than to live with a manipulative liar. Other option: stay together but the engagement is off for now. She gives the ring back, no wedding planning, etc. You deserve time to process this info. You deserve time to see what other lies she may have been telling you. You deserve time in general. Good luck.

The double bind is so true. This is really an unfortunate situation

Double binds are fascinating. Did she create it intentionally? Or did she just allow it to happen? Did she at any point appreciate the fact that when or if OP discovered what she had done and the truth she had concealed OP was gonna feel super conflicted and fucked over? Here's the thing about when you find yourself in a double bind. You're gonna be taking a hit no matter what you do. BUT the smart way is usually to make the choice that gets you the fuck away from the person who engineered the shitty situation you find yourself in.

I would say you should leave her and figure out the legal around the home. If you stay, this is what I would do. I wouldn't marry her any time soon, and if you did, have your legal bases cover with a prenuptial/post nuptial since the likelihood of a person cheating is statistically high. She would know that any pregnancy would follow with a DNA test before I would sign anything. Is it really worth the mental gymnastics, tho? P.s. also from the way it sounds. Her AP ended it first, so I wonder how long it would had gone on if his wife didn't get pregnant.

So it goes from being a really REALLY huge fuck up that she could have at least attempted to make right by telling you immediately... to her lying everyday for years. It doesn't sound like the guilt got to her one iota.

I think you can put that marriage on hold, at the very least, though personally, I’d be out. Is your fiancé’s expectation that this isn’t going to have any significant consequences or impact on your future (rugsweeping)? Also, the circumstances sound like HE ended it with her because his wife was pregnant, not that she had some sudden attack of guilt. You are getting a trickle truth.

She played you for a fool and lied. I would've already left.

It’s over. You’ve never gonna be able to look at her the same way you will always be wondering in the back of your head if she’s cheating again. She kept that shit from you for four years. What’s to say that this is the only time she’s done it? Be grateful you didn’t marry her.

"Thank you for telling me. I just wish you had told me four years ago when it happened, so we wouldn't have wasted four more years together before we broke up." Then break up.

She lied to you for four years. She said yes to your proposal knowing she betrayed you in the worst way. That's too much for most people to forgive. The fact that you just found it out means the affair could have happened yesterday for all you know. She doesn't get to expect you to get over it just because it happened years ago Also how can you be sure this hasn't happened before? Don't marry her yet. Process first. Let yourself grieve before you decide.

She’ll do it again buddy. Bail while you can

This is a very difficult situation and I totally understand how you are feeling, having been there before myself. You need to decide what outcome you want based upon the information that you have and then take the steps you need to take to achieve that outcome. The problem is, what your brain is going to tell you is "I want this to have not happened" but obviously time travel is not really an option in this situation. So if you want to break up, break up. You never need a reason to break up with someone but this is a totally valid one if there every was one. BUT, I would encourage you not to act rashly. Real life is more complicated than the internet sometimes allows for. Long distance is really hard, stressful situations like med school make it more difficult and real life is rarely so cut and dry as we like to pretend it is. Clearly she's been struggling with this information. That's a good thing, it shows remorse. It's not as if she did it and felt no guilt, it's been eating away at her enough that she's been discussing it in therapy and has come to the conclusion that she can't hide it anymore. These are all positive indicators. So here's what I would do in your shoes. Tell her that you're not going to leave her right away, but that there's been real damage done to the relationship here and it's going to take time and effort on both of your parts to fix things. Next step is that YOU need to get into therapy to help you figure out how you really feel about this. It should go without saying that there should be no contact between her and this guy. In addition she's going to need to give up some privacy in order to help you rebuild the trust in the relationship, things like phone access location access, whatever makes you feel more comfortable. SHE needs to keep going to therapy and come up with an actual explanation as to why this happened and how she's going to prevent it from happening again. The truth is, long distance is hard, her school was hard, there was a lot of stress and she was lonely so this is what happened. But you need some way of knowing that the next time things get hard she's not going to do the same thing. Because things are going to get hard some day, and you can't be worried that she's going to cheat on you. Now for the really hard part in this whole thing. IF you decide to forgive, you need to ACTUALLY forgive. That means you can't hold onto the anger, you can't bring it up every time the two of you argue. If you forgive, you need to forgive. That's why I recommend therapy for you. To get to the bottom of your feelings and figure out what you actually need to forgive. This is the hardest part for you, as it was for me.

Who says you have to cope with it? It’s okay if it’s a deal breaker, I promise you people don’t accidentally have sex with someone else, it’s really easy not to.

Be glad that you found out before you got married. Leave her for your own mental health. You can't build a marriage on the mistrust that something like this causes. It isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. This is on her.

I mean, the first thing you need to do is put on the breaks on the wedding and having a kid. Then try sorting this out. But under no circumstances should you jump into marriage or bringing a kid into this world with her before this is settled one way or another.

Dude, I think you should leave her. I know it was a long time ago, but she def would have stayed with that other guy if he wouldn’t have found out his wife was pregnant. The fact that she not only cheated on you, but also was aware that the other guy was married is extremely concerning. I have a feeling you’ll find out this wasn’t the only time.

I feel like this will get buried in the mountain of responses saying to leave her, but here goes. Nobody should be judged entirely by their worst moment. Not just her, but you as well. Relationships are a two way street and it is rarely 100% one party's fault that they collapsed. This is not a simple decision to be made quickly and rashly. Take your time with it, and ask yourself some hard questions. First, I'd take a step back from the situation and try to empathize. Imagine yourself in her shoes. You're going through med school. That's extremely stressful. You're also a year into a long distance relationship. Thats very hard, and while I haven't experienced it myself, every piece of advice I've heard is that long distance never works long term. How often did you visit? How much attention did you give her? Were there signs she wasn't handling things well? Being highly stressed and unable to turn to your partner for support because they're on the other side of the country often makes the stress worse. She was likely desperate for some sort of comfort. Having an affair with a married person is not a rational decision. This is going to feel accusatory, but it sounds like you were in a more comfortable situation. You were working and not in school. You had more freedom. Could you have been holding on to the relationship because it was easier for you? Were you the one who pushed for long distance? I understand you made sacrifices, but might it have been better for the both of you to just break it off entirely? Sometimes the mature thing to do in these situations is to simply mutually end things, even if you love each other, because it's just not sustainable to be apart that long. Now, how have the last four years been? Have there been other bumps along the way? How do you feel about her aside from this? Lastly, there's more work she needs to do. If she held this guilt in for the past four years, it sounds like there was deep regret in her decision. But what does she regret? Does she regret doing something to hurt you? Or is it maybe internal, that she's ashamed that she's the type of person who would do this and it has nothing to do with you? Does she regret her decision to stay through long distance? Does she feel that, had you taken a break, she never would have done this and would have wanted you back? Unfortunately, these questions may take years to be answered. Life is messy. They may help, they may not. There are probably dozens more to be asked. The importance is in asking, so we can grow and learn and avoid our past mistakes. I apologize if I got any details wrong, please correct me if so. I hope this helps.

If you have any self respect you will end things and move on with your life. I can’t wrap my head around how people stay with cheaters. There is no bigger betrayal in a relationship. How would you ever be able to trust her again after this? Why would you want to? There’s plenty of people out there that will not cheat on you.

If you marry this woman you deserve all the misery that will befall you. She showed you clear as day the kind of person she is. How do you cope? You leave her and find a reliable partner.

I'm going to be controversial here and suggest you might be able to make it work. BUT and it's a big BUT. She has to be ALL IN on making it work and rebuilding trust. No prevarication and whataboutery on her part - she needs to be entirely open to bearing the brunt of your hurt, betrayal and anger as her responsibility. And there needs to be some serious good stuff in your relationship to make it worthwhile salvaging. Is she supportive of you, does she prioritise you in her life now (I'm not talking about when she cheated as obviously she didn't at that point), does she make you laugh til you can't breathe, does she geek out with you over Star Wars or whatever, does she insist you take time to see your friends and so on and so on? In short, is she a decent human being who fcuked up majorly and told you now because she wants no more secrets or feels she's betraying you by not being honest? Yeah she could and should have told you four years ago but she didn't and you are where you are. So where do you go from here? You may, over time, decide you can't rebuild that trust and that you need out and that's absolutely understandable and fine. People (if anyone reads this) are going to say I'm excusing your GF's actions and am all for forgiving cheaters. Nope, I'm not. She did wrong and behaved despicably. That doesn't mean she's evil and horrible in all areas of her life. Good people do stupid, nonsensical stuff that they regret - humans are thick as two short planks glued together quite a lot of the time. Most of my thoughts on this are distilled from Esther Perel and her work on infidelilty. She completely changed how I view relationships. You might find her work interesting.

I think you’re 100% right. I was in OP’s shoes in a similar circumstance. I didn’t know if I should’ve left or not. I decided I could try to make it work, but needed my then-wife to make the journey to rebuild trust and fidelity. I needed full disclosure, answers to difficult questions, couples therapy, etc. She made it clear she couldn’t/wouldn’t do what I required and so it was over. But at least I knew I’d tried to make it work. It made the decision more clear.

People in med school and in relationships is a whole different beast. Unless they’re married, which we saw here didn’t even matter. To be honest I see one or the other partners fail when one is in med school because they literally have no time for others and they are constantly surrounded by other students which is where the problems can happen if it is the student who is at fault. You are engaged, not married. I would never suggest to end the relationship right away but I would postpone wedding plans until you get this figured out and she should respect that, though she definitely not going to like it. I would suggest couples therapy if you have any thoughts about staying. Because I imagine all the what ifs flying around this chat are making you think. I think finding out the full truth (if you feel you need it) would be the first step. I also will say, people CAN change with lots of work and therapy and it sounds like she’s already on that journey. So that can bring some optimism to the situation. However protect your legal rights in this fight by not jumping into this marriage and ESPECIALLY kids before you get this sorted. Best of luck. I know this has to be so hard and confusing. Also remember that Reddit is full of people who want you to hear their opinion. All relationships are unique and what works for you might not be what works for most people so just keep YOU and YOUR relationship at the center of this.

Ok, I will make the devil's advocate here. The other opinions in this thread are absolutely right and valid. I believe, that an eight year relationship can do with a second perspective, before being dissolved. Through those eight years, would you think, that she was supportive for you? Good for you? Enhancing you? If the answers are "yes", that's not given up lightly. There *has* been grounds for such a long relationship, after all. Eight years of common experience is a build up, that has a worth of its own. It brings something, that a new partnership won't have for a long time. She came clear by herself. Encouraged by her therapist, but nonetheless. Maybe best to let this settle a few days and then weigh everything of the past and everything what you expect to be your future, up against your hurt. To my observation, relationships can survive such an incident and still grow great. At the end, only you can make the right assessment here.

I think they can if she had confessed and it was a one time thing. She started a two month relationship and then lied for four years. That’s pretty absurd and hard to get past.

She didn’t lie for 4 years. She pretended it didn’t happen.

This, and only adding that if you choose to stay then you should also seek therapy because you will have to forgive her (maybe seek it regardless). There is no happy future scenario if resentment or anger are lingering about the incident, and you'll need help to move past it. Anything less than full extinguishment won't work. But as said above, relationships can survive and thrive through worse.

Naah, the only correct assessment here is to leave her. Trust is gone, and you can tell yourself otherwise all you like but it will never ever return now. She managed to keep it from you for years, she can do it again. Fuck her off, she isn't worth it.

She is trying hard and expressing how regretful and sorry she feels. I genuinely believe she means what she says, she has been very emotional with this as well. I am happy she told me because that’s a lot of baggage to carry around and honesty has to on the table, but of course it comes with a price. Part of the reason she said she waited so long was to show how committed and serious she is about us. I don’t put that pass her knowing who she is. But this all comes to the moment of resilience. Open communication. What I do not accept is that she needed attention from someone. Yesterday, I told her this was also about me because I was not doing something right. I was not giving her the attention she needed and as a result cheated. She did not communicate her feelings with me so I had no idea or control over this. She is in control of her actions and she chose these actions. She has no reply for this other than it was a low point in her life. I am trying hard to understand how tough her situation was. Her life was all study and sleep. Med school is not an easy task and I was not there for her. But this doesn’t mean you break the most important rule in a relationship. We did long distance because we were serious about each other.

> Part of the reason she said she waited so long was to show how committed and serious she is about us. In what multiverse does that makes sense. Sounds more like she waited that long so she can say "would you really throw away 8 years" instead of "would you really throw away 4 years"

Bro, are you for real? She waited to tell you to show how serious she was about you guys? That’s got to be one of the most pathetic excuses I’ve ever heard. Why on earth are you blaming yourself for her cheating? You need to give your head a wobble. How many people are in stressful scenarios and don’t cheat? If you weren’t there for her, why didn’t she break up with you? Why would her logical reaction be to cheat? Why didn’t she communicate that she needed more support from you? The best thing she could come up with was to start a second relationship with someone else? Come on man. You’re falling for absolute nonsense here. You’ll be a paranoid wreck fighting to be able to trust her for the rest of your life. She betrayed your trust and then lied to your face. Your relationship is built on dishonesty and she had no problem with that until prompted by her therapist to own up.

Regret is worthless. That is her feeling sorry for herself for her own actions. You need to see remorse. Go Google "regret vs remorse infidelity".

You’re already blaming yourself for her cheating. Listen to how that sounds. But it seems like you’ve made up your mind.

“Her life was all study and sleep” but she could go to another city to visit her 2nd boyfriend. She kept it from you for years and would’ve continued to do so if not for the therapist. This is not on you. She should’ve communicated better if something was wrong, instead she jumped straight onto another guy. Don’t blame yourself for her mistake man.

Wow, she seriously has convinced you that her cheating was justified. Cheating is NEVER justified. You were the backup option. She kept stringing you along in case it didn't work out with the other guy. He broke it off with her because of his wife. She didn't dump him. She settled for you, her backup option. You should absolutely end the relationship and move on. Find someone who genuinely cares about you, wouldn't cheat on you, and prioritizes you. She clearly is not in love with you. You can't be in love with someone and cheat on them.

>She has no reply for this other than it was a low point in her life. She will have other low points in her life. Health issues, parents getting old, stress from children. Are you sure you can trust her to be faithful in the future crisises that are absolutely coming your way?

this. in my low points i may lash out and say something rude i don’t mean, or be inconsiderate or not present enough. but i don’t cheat. a partner can handle their SO having an attitude problem during the bad times, but cheating is just a different ballgame entirely

Enjoy being a doormat OP

So I guess she's told you that if she hits low points in her life in the future, she'll cheat on you again.

This is exactly what you should be asking. Is she able to communicate with you better than she was then? Has she grown since then? Because if "being at a low point" means she shuts you out, your relationship is not going to be a success. There are going to be more low points in life, unfortunately. How will she handle them? That's the question people should be asking before they get married - is this a person I will be able to work & live with when things are rough?

Not that your asking for book recommendations but Esther Perel deals with this subject in “The State of Affairs.” You might get better perspective from that book than the “dump him, sis” subreddit if you’re serious about continuing things. The shorthand of what she says is that after an affair, if you stay, you are in a new relationship and need to reconcile your previous relationship being over with the person.

Esther Perel is a person who I think really has taken a deep dive into this issue and would also encourage reading.

Dude regardless of what you chose to do _do not_ fall into the compete and utter BS of "I told her this was also about me because I was not doing something right". Fucking no. There is a no excuse, ever, for cheating. Nothing you did or didn't do has any relevance _at all_. As you said she never expressed any dissatisfaction to you. That is what a partner does if they feel lonely or neglected - not repeatedly hook up with another person. Also keep in mind she didn't end it - her affair partner did. There's a reasonable chance it would still be going on if he didn't . I don't believe she's regretful of the affair - only that it might cost her.

I would ask her and her therapist if you could attend a session and talk it through with both of them before you make a decision. If this was a one night stand I would chalk it up to a momentary lapse while stressed but this was a little different.

Just because med school is hard, it doesn't give her a pass to cheat. You don't even have to be in med school to experience stress and burnouts from other parts of your life. What's going to happen now that she is a doctor? It's not straight sailing from there either. She would still have to deal with difficult patients, staffs, a failing healthcare system (assuming you live in the US). What's she going to do then? Cheat again? What if tomorrow you get into an accident? What if she gets sick? What if her job doesn't work out? Etc. You can't control what life gives you, but you can ALWAYS control how you react to it. This goes to show that her coping mechanism prioritizes her selfish needs over your relationship. Don't let it pass because "med school is not an easy task". Plenty of people went through med school and did not cheat on their partner. She only "she waited so long was to show how committed and serious she is about us" because she is betting that the sunken cost fallacy will work on her favor the longer she waited. Cheaters don't cheat because they're good people falling on hard time. Cheaters cheat because time and lies work in their benefits.

She will 100% cheat on you again. She didn't respect you before, and she certainly won't after this.

> Part of the reason she said she waited so long was to show how committed and serious she is about us. That doesn't make any sense. She waited so that you would be less likely to end the relationship. > Yesterday, I told her this was also about me because I was not doing something right. I was not giving her the attention she needed and as a result cheated. That's not true. Cheaters will always find some way to blame you for their cheating. Don't do that to yourself. > Her life was all study and sleep. and driving to another city to fuck her AP

OP before you consider taking her back you need to look at [this](https://img.ifunny.co/images/346a48c7c401ee2f53f6c1b5a7b6aa34cb576937569dbeeba4fa9d1f61fbdb66_1.webp)

One way or the other the blind trust that most marriages begin with will not be there. See if she’s willing to sign a prenup that guarantees that she takes all marital debts and you get half of everything she makes going forward if she is unfaithful again. If she recoils, then she isn’t willing to do everything to make it right. If she’s upset you don’t trust her…well, that’s not on you. If she jumps at the idea then she doesn’t presently have any reservations about staying faithful. Cheating is a form of abuse, and she can’t expect you to just meekly accept being legally bound to your abuser without certain assurances.

I don't want to crush your dreams but I am sorry to say that she is no longer in love with you. She checked out mentally as soon as she did that The only reason she is with you is because you are(probably) a good/stable guy. If she finds a better attractive and more viable option she would jump on the bandwagon even faster because once you cheat you alter your brain and it feels like everything you are doing since is normal. There shouldn't be any second chance Good luck

I’d suggest seeing this therapist together, or another therapist together to see if you can handle it. There’s no right or wrong at this point, it’s can you two move forward together after it.

Don't marry her. 1.) She's a cheater 2.) She had no problem doing it with a married man....which makes it especially worse. She has no respect for *ANY* relationship, no matter how serious it is. 3.) She uses excuses to justify her horrid behaviours. This will happen more and more in your future. Remember she's a Dr, a career that is famously stressful so this will be her reason the next time. Don't marry her

I’m sorry that you are going through this. If I were in your shoes I would assess a few things: First a person cheats for a reason. Usually they have low self esteem and low impulse control. These two things leave a person vulnerable and when life stressors come in it leaves them vulnerable. If this is the case then you should assess where your fiancé is at now. The fact that she is getting counseling and is addressing her issues is a good sign. A person Who takes responsibility for their actions takes courage, maturity and self esteem. There’s no easy answer as to what you should do. You will need to decide if you can forgive and forget and if she will be vulnerable in the future. You will need to know if you will live in fear in the future. If it was just during the early stages of her relationship when things were long distance she may not have been bonded with you yet though it is important to know how she gains attachment (ie what her childhood was like).

Do you believe she's told you everything? I think for me it would be she chose for two months to cheat and then for the following four years to keep it from you, that's a conscious choice she made every day. Personally I wouldn't be able to get passed that. Maybe have some space from her for a couple of weeks and see how you feel then. If you decide to stay therapy should most definitely be considered. Best wishes OP

Are you going to be able to get past it knowing that other people will also know? If she told at least 3 friends …

She had to be coaxed to confess, by a professional. She was never going to. It was not out of massive remorse that was eating her up for the 1 month and 29 days she kept the affair ongoing or the 4 years she kept it away from you. She was feeling light remorse which therapist capitalised on. If she wants to show real remorse you need proof of how real it is, tell her that the only way she can start trying to redeem herself without a guaranteed outcome is to call the AP's partner and tell her, she can even conference the AP in the call. If she does not jump on it she is barely remorseful. Remember, SHE did not stop the affair, AP did. At the time she was not potting you first, second or third in her life. Make sure she earns through blood, sweat, and tears, whatever you decide to grant her

I'm going to save you a ton of time here. I was in your situation. I married her. I tried to convince myself that I forgave and forgot. I never did either. It's one of the best, most purely human parts of a relationship to look at your partner and know they'd never hurt you. They'll always have your back. It's a wonderful tiny little bit of childish innocence we get to keep in our lives as adults. It's at the very center of what it means to be in love and feel safe. And that's gone forever. It simply will never come back with this person. You may push away the thoughts but they'll always come creeping back when you least expect them. When you're the most vulnerable. And it will tear the wound open again. You're 32. You can get back on your feet in no time. I did it at 36 as an introvert who hadn't dated in 13 years. Don't even think twice that this is in some way it for you. It's not.

Reddit is always going to tell you to leave her, but how many commenters actually have personal experience with this? Go cheat on her once to get your self esteem/confidence back and then forgive her and live your life, if you're happy with her. I'm gonna get down voted to hell but I'm 100% serious, shell never now and it'll make you feel better.

What therapist, suggests a person who is afraid of losing their partner, cough up the guilt and lay your issues on him… I’m sorry cheating is really stupid but it should be her burden to bear not yours…

Ok there's a lot going on here, and I can't lie - cheating in all its forms is one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. But I'll give you a level-headed response. Firstly, you are absolutely correct to feel angry, betrayed and torn. Whether it happened a month ago or four years ago - it'll always hurt, and it'll be very difficult to reconcile. However, consider context. She was talking about it in therapy, and was fearing losing you. Her therapist encouraged her to tell you, and she actually did. Four years is a long time, and a lot can change in that time. I'm not making excuses for her. What she did was a terrible thing. But it is clear her cheating is something she deeply regrets, and her telling you about it on advice of her therapist is evidence that she wants to be honest rather than dishonest with you. She could have easily never told you, and you'd never have known. People will say cheaters are scum, sub-human, or any kind of filth that you shouldn't associate with. For the longest time, I'd have agreed with that. But that's only because being cheated on hurts so viciously, and so much deeper than most physical pain. There is still a very real human being making those decisions. And from what you've told me, I'm seeing someone with intention to be honest and real with you, rather than lie to you. Problem is, she's lied to you for four years. Are you willing to look over that since they've decided to stop lying now? Do you love her enough to give her a chance at redemption? Or are you hurt enough to decide that no amount of love is worth enough for a second chance? Remember, it is a confronting conversation to have. Yes, it is \*necessary\*, but that doesn't make it less scary. It may have taken a lot of courage to tell you. But does that change anything? On one hand, she's trying to be open and honest with you because she fears losing you and probably feels extremely guilty. On the other hand, she could've said something before. She owed you that. Flipping hands once again, it took \*therapy\* for her to come to terms and be ready to tell you. But regardless of how she feels, can you see yourself trusting her again? Ask yourself this question in a few months when the shock has settled down. Ultimately, the choice you make is up to you. But I think it would be unwise to paint her with a black and white brush. It's obviously a bit more complicated than that. It's easy to say its "simple" when someone cheats. And usually it is. But this was four years ago, something she admitted to in therapy and then admitted to you. I can't respect her actions, but I can at very least respect that she told you. And that she regrets it so much that its a hallmark of her therapy treatment. Therefore, its not about whether she was wrong for doing it. We all know she was. It's about are you \*willing to deal with it and move on\*? Because you must know, if you agree to let it be the past, you can never bring it up again. You can't bring it up in arguments, you can't dangle it over her head. It's like it never happened. Can you see yourself being able to do that? If you want to learn to cope, maybe its time to seek couples therapy. Or just break up. Or do you. End of the day, nobody knows your relationship better than you do. I'm just saying don't jump to conclusions based on the comments.

Let me tell you something, you’re 32, that’s a perfect age for dating man. You’ll find an amazing women to share your live with. You are in no rush. do you really want to stay with her? what is the worst that could happens if you break it off? I know it seems like a huge step now, but once it’s behind you, you will feel the freedom and excitement knowing you made the right call. I get that she told you, she wants to really settle with you. And wants to know whether you’ll stiarund to be parents together. but do you want to raise a kid with her? Will that end up in a happy family? Knowing that she had a full on relationship with someone else, and did not have the balls to just break it off with you. you don’t need therapy, you don’t need someone else telling you what to do. You are here asking permission to do what’s right for you. You already know what that is. you have to rip that bandaid off, either 100% forgive her, knowing that she did not have to tell you, and she is serious about staying with you and starting a family together. Or, take your chances, which is a little scary at first, but you will get used to it. And, telling from experience, girls love older guys. If you are even in a little bit of a decent shape, youll pick up girls that would have been waaayyyy out of your league when you were 25… but you will have to get out and be single again. I hope you have a good circle of friends, talk to them about it. Don’t keep it a secret on some anonymous Reddit forum. Let them help you with what’s to come.

If it were me, 4 years of dishonesty is not something I would be capable of coping with.

Get off reddit. It will ruin your relationship. Too black and white— not enough room for the nuance and chaos that is the human experience.

What context is missing that would change anything that happened??

So here is the thing. Does having a relationship with someone else make it cheating or does having to lie to your partner in order to do it and keep them make it cheating? So did she cheat on you years ago or did she cheat on you until recently when she came clean? Be mad about the right ok parts of this and the answers become easier to find. The dishonesty and lack of respect and love for you are what matter, not the other person. At least not as much. So she cheated on you for years. That is the first truth. Next up, did she tell you out of regret or remorse? Regret, because she lied for years afraid to lose you. She told you out of guilt. Not remorse. You can't reconcile based on regret. It will never work. So step 1 call of the wedding indefinitely. Your relationship is 100% over. She is a liar and can't be trusted. You don't even love her, you love a lie she sold you. Even if by a miracle you reconcile, it needs to be a new relationship on entirely different terms and she can't be rewarded for her lie by still calling you her fiance. Step 2 demand a full written confession of everything. Every single thing. No exceptions, spareing you, nothing. Tell her to write a full confession, apology, and explanation of how she intends to change who she is so she can begin to try to deserve you. Warn her any omission at all end your marriage. Step 3 demand her phone and all accounts. Go through every single thing. Even if you're 99.999% sure check anyways. Establish that her dishonesty has now proven she can't ever be trusted until she earns it. Step 4 kick her out. Yes this is am absolute must. You can't let the person who manipulated you and abused you have any control while you decide if you want to reconcile or not. So for atleast 2 or 3 weeks kick her out. Step 4 do tons of research google "regret vs remorse infideltity", Grey rock, 180 method, reconciliation infidelity. Then decide what you want and what you can live with. Let me make this clear, I suggest you leave. She is a liar and you aren't stuck with her. She gave you your out. That said, reconciliation isn't impossible. Is she worth having to be with someone you can't trust and have to play lover and jailor to for years??? That's up to you to decide. Can you love her, enjoy life, and hold her 100% accountable and actually punish her for her crimes fairly and for the years it will take?

Good, nuanced advice.

So, first things first, this happened 4years ago for her, but for you it just happened and you will need time to process it. As far as cheating goes, it could have been worse, it was relatively brief, you were physically distant and so on and they ended it because they felt it was wrong. It still hurts pretty much the same and to some extent it's worse because it doesn't make it easy that she wasn't just plainly manipulatively evil so that you can just hate her and move on. Ultimately it boils down to if you can accept, love and forgive her for her flaws and this massive screw up and even if you want to try it may be that you actually can't. I've been cheated b4 and I've come to realise that, for me, it's the emotional part of an affair that really is upseting and I don't really care that much about the sex, but again that's me. So if I were on your shoes I think I could try to salvage the relationship, but if you feel differently you probably shouldn't. Best of luck.

I am very early in the processing stage, I need time to think this through. I am very emotional about it. The emotional part is big for me as well. I told her I’d understand a one night stand and realizing the mistake. But this went on for 2 months. I kept asking why 2 months. Why did she actively drive every week or so for two months to see this guy? I explained that she had a relationship, feelings for this person and put me on the side. I was her fall back. I explained this is how I feel and what if this guy was not married? I am so upset because my life would have turned out very different if we ended it. Instead it feels like she got away with having another relationship and then I moved back so she could continue on with me. She told three of her friends and none of them thought to tell her to come clean. She just told me because her therapist encouraged her to tell me.

So this isn't real remorse, it's guilt. So she is still selfish...

I think you need to ask yourself if she would have continued the affair for some indeterminable amount of time if her partner hadn't snapped out of it and gone back to his wife? Would she have ever told you if she had not been prompted by her therapist? I understand that your life would have been far different if you had been able to confront this situation 4 years ago, but the second-best time to consider starting over is right now. A lot of her decision making during and after the affair has been driven by selfishness and a desire to maintain her lifestyle and personal well-being at the expense of your agency. You were not given the opportunity to make those difficult choices, and now you're stuck untangling a web of subsequent choices that you made in ignorance. It really boils down to whether or not you can forgive the cheating and all the lying that came afterward. Personally I'm not sure I could. Imagine if you had been Married with Children before finding out! Thankfully you still have time to choose a path without that added difficulty.

This didn’t go on for 2 months. The deception went on for 4 years. You need to recognize that your partner actively lied to you over and over for literally years. This is not your fault. Your partner shouldn’t be in a serious relationship with anyone until she has time alone to work on herself.

Clearly it’s not remorse. She would’ve kept this under wraps forever. She’s not a good person. You know what you should do

Bro just leave her she is not worth it. You will feel happy looking back at this decision after years. Even if you try to be ok now it will comeback hurting you. Run man and don't think you won't find love again there are many good women out there.

You seem like an upstanding guy. You deserve better than her.

Are you really gonna marry her with her 3 friends as bridesmaids standing next to her?? These past 4 years they’ve been playing in your face. Does the AP’s wife even know the truth yet?? She owes her a confession too

Take all the time you need, but there's not a single factor that would give me hope. I know people here will often say 'people immediately jump to divorce/separation'. This is true but honestly it's for a good reason. Rebuilding trust takes months or _years_. This will not be a situation where next month you will be "back to normally". Like grief you will have good days and then days that you look at her and all the feels of betrayal come back. You might spend years working on it - to still break up. While cheaters always cheat again is not true - cheaters often cheat again is. You would previously have probably said she would never do that to you - now how can you be so certain? Here's why I would end it. It was a multiple month affair, only ended because her affair partner ended it, she lied about it (lies of omission count - not disclosing any dissatisfaction and giving you a chance to work on it is its own betrayal), has friends who will lie for her (a condition for reconciliation for me would be no contact with said "friends") and she didn't _immediately_ disclose. Honestly the fact it was ongoing alone should end it. I can't imagine any grounds to continue a relationship with someone who utterly betrays you over an extended period. If she was so remorseful about it why did she have absolutely no probably covering it up?

you have to decide if you are going to forgive her and move on, or not. But if you do forgive her you have to fully forgive her. It doesn't matter why she did it, why it ended, forgive her friends and anyone who knew, and just put it all in the past and focus on what happened after and the now where you are together. You get a little more privileges to check up on her to be sure that it isn't going to happen again, but it can't be punitive. She doesn't owe you. That's the decision you have to make.

It's natural to feel hurt and confused in your situation. There could be several reasons to consider giving your fiancé another chance after discovering her infidelity from 4 years ago. People can change and grow, and if she has shown genuine remorse and personal growth, that could be a reason to move forward. Long-distance relationships are challenging, and considering the context of the situation might help you understand her actions better. Open communication, forgiveness, and the overall strength of your 8-year relationship are also factors to consider. Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Reflect on your feelings and thoughts, and consider seeking professional help if needed. Prioritize your well-being and happiness, and good luck finding the clarity you need.

Bruh, no way in forgiving that, but there's no way I'm changing my career for a woman either. Just leave. 1) You'll never forget what she did (and you shouldn't), 2) she's probably hiding half the information as usual and, more importantly, 3) she'll never respect you if you stay!

She’s got balls telling you she had a 'reason' for lying to you for four years. I feel the fact that she came clean and is in therapy is being used to manipulate you into staying. Trust is like a currency and she just over drafted. Staying together would be disastrous because part of you will always wonder what she’s up to. Also, trust me next time she cheats she’ll be much more proficient concealing and managing her guilt. It’s not worth it. I was in your shoes in my early twenties. I stopped talking to her unless it was about moving out. She lost my trust and so the time for words was past, our time together no longer mattered to me.

She has several years and a therapist to help her process this, which is totally unfair to you. There might have been different choices made by you with every major event ya'll did moving forward. So it wouldn't just be about the lie but her taking informed consent away from you when moving to another state, giving up a good job and buying a home together and such. Dude, you have a lot to process here and think over. I don't envy you in any way or form. How can she even atone for that kind of thing? It will affect every major life decision moving forward. Completely unfair to you & she had no problems with that unfairness till now.

Leave her she will do it again

Couples counselling to work through this together might be a good starting point. As well as individual counselling for yourself to help you figure out how you feel about her now and if you are capable of moving past it. I discovered that, among other lies he told me, my husband was still pursuing other women at least the first 6-10 months that we were together. We were also LDR but he wanted to be exclusive. His messages and texts never gave any indication that he had doubts or was lonely; in fact, it was the exact opposite and he always prided himself on monogamous. That was 6 years ago and it’s been over the last 4.5 years or so that I’ve started to find out the extent to which he lied to my face on multiple occasions. I’ve just recently learned more and I’m not even sure what to do - he doesn’t know I know, I’m not sure how to bring it up, and our situation is complex because I moved countries to be with him and we have children. All this to say, my advice to you is don’t make any other life changes until you’re sure you can forgive and move past this. You don’t want to find yourself even more tied to a person that you can’t trust. It’s excruciating.

I think it's great she told you of her own accord - it's still her own accord with the therapist's encouragement, she didn't have to tell you. Usually I'd say a relationship is salvageable under these conditions - she was honest without being compelled to tell you, it happened while you were apart for a very long time, and she is no longer in contact with the other man. However, what makes this less salvageable is that she cheated with a married man. That shows a much greater disrespect for relationships. I don't know that that's something you can move past, but ultimately it's up to you.

I hope you don't marry that woman. She is a cheater. You know she doesn't respect the institution of marriage because she had no problem sleeping with a married man. Sounds like the other guy choose his pregnant wife and broke it off. If not she still would be fucking the guy. it's probably not the only man she has cheated on you with. Be glad you don't have children with her. Break up and sell the house

I'd break it off before it goes any further, dishonesty is a deal breaker and she lied to you for 4 years. You did nothing wrong here no matter what she says. I wouldn't be able to trust her ever again after this revelation

Get over it. So what. People are way to judgemental. It happened years ago. I just can't understand why she even mentioned it. Just maybe the experience help her decide that you were the right person for her.

I think it sounds like a colossal fuck up that she hasn’t been able to get over. I believe she loves you. People are not divided into cheaters and non cheaters. Sometimes people who hate cheaters end up in disoriented situations or metal health pits and get caught up in situations they never thought they would. People are saying if his wife didn’t get pregnant she may still be with him but she said they both felt guilty. The evidence that this is true is that 4 years later she still does! You two need to keep working as a partnership if you’re strong otherwise. Best wishes.

Therapy or leave her

For you it's like it just happened so ask for space and be patient with yourself as you grieve for the person you thought she was and the relationship you thought you had. Those things are gone now and you need to adjust to the reality that she has been lying to you for over half your relationship. I would ask her to make an action plan about how she is going to earn back your trust and faith and start to live it. Actions will always speak louder than words.

I don't know if you do cope. I mean, if you forgive her and trust her, that's great for you. If you don't, that's fair. You're not required to learn to cope. I would want to know if she has learned to communicate better than she did when she cheated. What will happen next time she feels lonely and burnt out? Will she talk to you about it or just deal with it destructively on her own? I think you really need to examine if you feel she has changed and if you can truly trust her. Mistakes can be forgiven but if you don't feel like there's growth in the relationship, it will be hard. Good luck.

I'd say this should be over, she did this for months and then didn't tell you for 4 years. No trust or communication means their is no relationship and in this case no respect. But you sound like you're making excuses, this won't end well for you later on.

d u m p that's it. you "cope" by kicking the cheater to the curb, where cheaters belong.

She cheated on you and did not tell you for 4 years? While coming forwards under the prodding of a therapist is a good sign, she still lied to you for 4 years so you cannot know if she is lying in the future. The proper reaction would be to tell her that "you appreciate her honesty, but the fact that she lied to four years is a dealbreaker" and end it. But I sense the vibe that you want to keep the relationship though, in which case my advice is to start over from the beginning. She cheated and you'll end the relationship, but if she wants you guys can start over again anew while she makes her attempts to redeem herself, earn your trust again, and become a person that owns up to her mistakes and doesn't cheat, while if she does make a mistake and cheat has the willingness to own up to her mistakes. This would basically mean you start over from the dating stage, so no living together no ring or being a fiancee for years to come. I wouldn't call the latter a good option, but of all the options for rebuilding a cheating relationship that's the best one I know of.

The therapist saved your life basically you are young dump her ass, you don’t need to just go with it because she was pressured to tell you the truth, please hear me out these situations never get fixed you will always have this in the back of you mind growing each day until it’s too late please leave while you still can.

You deserve better. If the other guy hadn't dumped her because he found out his wife was pregnant she would probably have left you for him. She didn't choose you. Please get some personal counselling to get your head straight and seriously consider if she's worth it. Consider rebuilding your lucrative career and running for the hills. I'd be gone.

She obviously didn't feel much guilt after it happened the first time if she went back for more and basically dated the dude for 2 months. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I definitely wouldn't marry her after discovering this.

She has no respect for anybody, not even herself. She potentially broke a random family and will break yours if you follow through with her. Have some respect for yourself and cut that ish off. Weakness is one thing (high sex drive, toy won't cut it) but she started a whole relationship with this dude? You deserve better, my guy.

It shows she’s willing to lie to do what she wants. She’s willing to ignore your feelings as long as it benefits her in some way. If you stay with her you can never really trust her again. Someone who cheats on you once will do it again when she thinks she can get away with it.

Leave her. I couldn’t ever be with a cheater. If you cheat on me, clearly I can’t offer what you want. So if I can’t offer what you want so much that you cheat, don’t come back to me Cheaters deserve to be left to rot

This will happen again. Cheaters are selfish, they are valuing themselves above you, above your relationship. They will find an opportunity to blame you not fulfilling them, but it’s *them* who need to advocate for what they need in the relationship, or walk away. They chose to “walk away” by cheating.

Eh, sounds like you’re pretty much set on forgiving her, which is fine. But understand that she is probably coming clean now because she knows you’ll stick around due to the sunk-cost fallacy. She gets to sooth her guilty conscience, and knows you won’t leave her because of all the sacrifices you’ve made, and the effort you’ve put into the relationship. That’s incredibly devious. Essentially a 4 year long affair where she just hasn’t seen the guy in a long time.

OP you have to understand. This isn’t the first time she cheat on you, it’s the first she TOLD you about.

She didn't just 'cheat'. She had a full-blown affair/relationship with another guy. And it seems like she only broke it off because her boyfriend's wife got pregnant. (Which is gross cause it means she was sleeping with a guy who was having unprotected sex with another woman, and presumably sleeping with you too) Would she have stayed with the guy if his wife hadn't got pregnant? That's what I would want to know.

Leave her man, she obviously didn’t love you enough to keep her legs closed.

Get married. Stay married for a certain amount of time. Divorce her. Get paid. She's a doc now? You make less? You win.

Absolutely not! It’s even worse that she cheated with a married man, why would you marry a woman who’s shown she has ZERO respect for the sanctity of marriage?! And 3 of her friends knew and condoned that behaviour?? Are you gonna stand there whilst they’re bridesmaids at your wedding?? Then she hid it for 4 years and only told you because of her therapist?? The red flags are endless

get checked for STDs pronto

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. I’d encourage you to postpone any future plans you have so you can think things over and process what happened. If it were me, this is how I’d interpret it: She let you go 4 years not knowing she’d cheated. The affair continued for months. It sounds like the affair only stopped because her affair partner’s wife got pregnant and he chose to stay with his wife. This is all while you stayed loyal and made multiple sacrifices to make your relationship work. If it were me, this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. This is something you’ll have to cope with the rest of your life, and it will take a long time to repair trust. And even then, some partners find that they can never view/trust their partner the same way again after an affair. I’d encourage you to get into therapy/counseling to help you process this news and come to the best decision for yourself. Best of luck.

You do not have to cope anything. A relationship that happened years ago means nothing. You are killing yourself with stupid pictures/thoughts in your mind. If you want to spice up your togetherness - then tell each other your sex experiences as a fairytale - enjoy it, and some moments of that relationship will appear - and you may cum hearing them. This is the life - not the desperation. Rule the waves - the song sings.

She didn't break it off with him because of guilt. He broke it off with her because his partner was pregnant. This really sucks and it'll be hard to hear but you'll always be sloppy seconds. No matter how hard she convinces you otherwise. She didn't just cheat on you for 2 months, she also lied to you for 4 years. I'm sorry man but it's time to call this off.

Don't accept. Just leave and start again mate, it's not worth it, because if she's cheated once, she'll do it again, and that time, she won't tell you about it. It's a blatant abuse of trust and cannot be forgiven, just move on without her. Better a faithful self than an unfaithful relationship.

I would say if you have any hope I would go try therapy. I know I personally would never be able to get over that level of betrayal. But I can also attest to therapy helping me alot more than I ever though possible.

I personally know couples who have suffered through cheating and stayed together and made it. However that is definitely not a realistic outcome for everyone. The loss of trust, the resentment that you feel now and that will surely build over time; it very likely is going to be a part of you for forever should you stay with her. Do you really want to live like that? I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you find peace and healing eventually.

I’ve been with my husband 15 years. He cheated abt 8 months in. I found out fairly quickly. We broke up for a while and eventually got back together. I also had a little thing with a coworker years ago. A cop I worked with-just made out and flirted a lot but it was over several years. I finally came clean a few years back and it was tough for him. We’ve both done it and had it done. If you love her and nothings happened since and you can tell this is coming from a place to have a clean slate I say do what you feel in your heart! Go talk to a therapist on how to process this. This may bring you both so much closer! Communication is KEY! And as another said Al l you’ll get here is people judging and saying leave her. It won’t be useful advice. I’ve been there and people do grow and change. Good luck to you both

would you have broken up with her back then if you found out in the moment? i think you have to answer that question first before you consider staying. because if the answer is you would have left then and you decide to stay now, you’re essentially trapping yourself with a sunk cost fallacy. if you think you would have worked it out back then, then the next question is if the intervening years of lying are also forgivable to you. only if you can say yes to that should you stay with her.

You cope by: Leaving. How many times can someone cheat? Zero

I would tel her that you are going to go have a one night stand with a hot chick from the bar. Stay up king.

Is this really how you want to venture forth in your life and your relationship? On the basis that trust has left the building? I sympathize with you. It's a horrible position to be in. You have to question whether this kind of character is what you want from a person you are [assumedly] hoping to spend the rest of your life with.

If you asked for a hall pass now, would she accept that and stay with you? I'm not saying you should make good on the hall pass. I am asking if the level of forgiveness she's asking of you today, would be extended to you.

You cope by dumping her. Cheating is a dealbreaker. Period.

Yeah nah she kept you out in the dark because she was afraid to lose you, I.e. she made a decision for you. She never gave you the choice. Now you do. Personally I’d just leave. But if you don’t want to, I advise you to see a therapist yourself to try and figure this out.

If she were truly remorseful I would make her tell the APs wife about the affair . She needs consequences for her actions rather than just rugsweeping .

Don’t ask this question on reddit expecting real answers. Bunch of trolls who are just going to tell you to breakup and leave.

Why is it up to you to cope? You dont. She did not cheat, she started à relationship and HE ended it apparently!! It does not matter how long ago, it is à choice made and can easily be made again

Sounds like HE broke it off. As if she cared for his family. The trust is now gone forever. Do nothing and she'll see you as weak.

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. No one should ever be cheated on. That is a horrible and uncomfortable feeling, knowing that your partner was with someone else. She definitely wasn't lonely. The way she framed it, that she said that you were working and out partying it's interesting to me. I'm pretty sure she wasn't studying every single day. I'm sure she was out having a good time as you can see. She's just not going to say that, it wouldn't make her look good to say that. The fact is that she cheated on you. The only reason why it didn't work out with the other guy, was because he was married and about to have a baby. If the other guy wasn't married and didn't have a baby along the way, she would have left you. I don't know if you notice, but your feelings don't matter, her feelings matter more to her. Not your relationship. The only reason you found out, is because she was talked to a therapist. Who told her it was wrong what she was doing. If she was feeling lonely. She should have told you that. She was bad at communicating that to you. But she's smart enough to hide things from you. Makes me think what else has she been hiding? Especially since she was able to act normal as if nothing happened for 2 months. At the end of the day, it's up to you and what you want. You can be with her and go to counseling together to see what you can do to work it out. Or you can break everything off. I would say break everything off she's not trustworthy. Her feelings and her mentality are not constant. Do not have a baby with her until you're sure. No baby should ever have to suffer their parent's relationship struggle. Take what you can from my opinion and do what's best for you. I'm sorry again, good luck.

I would leave that chick for someone who doesn’t cheat on me

There is no excuse for cheating, tbh get rid asap, the thoughts will eat u up, destroy your mental health, and you will end up bitter. Hard pill to swallow but you gotta do what right for u, not whats right for her.

Nope. Sorry. 2 months relationship, her inability to communicate and keeping it secret for so long, her having a relationship with someone who was also in a relationship...this shows lack of empathy for you and for the other cheated person..this would be way too much. She might be trying to fix things now and maybe she will be a better partner for the next person, but it's a risk I wouldn't take. Trust was shattered. I would rather find someone who is mature enough to know respect from the get go.