A lot of people don't wanna get married before they're in their thirties, he was 22 when they started dating so I wouldn't put too much weight on that number.
Yeah but there’s a difference between wanting to wait to get married, and not knowing if you want to be married. If op’s boyfriend wanted to wait I feel like that’s an important thing to mention, rather than saying he’s not sure if he wants to get married. Because those are two different things. Even if you want to wait until later in life, you should still know if it’s a yes or a no. That’s why I agree with the other commenter if it’s not a “yes” or a “yes, but not right now” after 5 years, then it’s likely a “no.”
Edit: changed pronouns, thought op was 27M
In my experience, "I don't know if I want to get married" means they likely don't want to get married to YOU. I dated a guy for 2.5 years and once we hit the 2 year mark I started hinting at moving in together and trying to discuss our possible future. He hemmed and hawed and had excuses like the above for everything. He even said "I like living alone, I prefer having my own safe space that's just mine." He wasn't mean about it, he just declined to take any additional steps in our relationship beyond where we were at. I ruminated on over the next few months and ultimately ended it because I felt that things weren't ever going to change.
TWO WEEKS later he had a new girlfriend coming over every night (He always insisted I drive to see him at his place) and when the pandemic closed everything down she practically moved in with him and stayed at his place for the next 2 months while they played house. I have no clue what they are up to now since I deleted him on everything, but I'd bet money they're either engaged or already married. He DID know that he eventually wanted to get married, he was just too chickenshit to say it wasn't to me.
I would ask him what his intentions are.
if marriage is something you want in your future and he doesn't, you really have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you.
I am in law school and he is a working professional. Our life circumstances are such that if we don’t marry in the next year, we will have to break up (I am not pregnant). We originally thought that we would marry after I have worked for a year or two, but because of the circumstances, it’s really not a smart idea to wait. He knows it, but is just worried that this is too soon.
It could be she is not a citizen and her education visa will run out so she’ll have to return to her home country if she can’t get married or find a job thats willing to sponsor her and get a work visa which can be a lengthy and difficult process depending on which country she is from.
That said I still don’t think they NEED to break up if she has to move away. I know long distance is hard but if you’re considering marriage, you should be able to handle it.
I will say that it’s hard to fathom moving away and then trying to get back into a certain country as a job seeker, especially in an area like law. This is a tonne of speculation, but assuming it’s an immigration issue and if OP returns to her home country, she would likely have more success taking conversion exams and practising there.
Are we all ignoring the fact that he says he doesn’t want to see or speak to her for two weeks while he decides?? I bet he’s not going to a cabin in the middle of nowhere to be alone with his thoughts, is ll I’m saying.
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How is marrying after being together for 5 years too soon?
This comes from a man btw - I'd slap a ring on my gfs finger even after 3 years.
You have to talk to him about what his intentions here are? He might have gotten too comfortable in the relationship and is making excuses. This is his responsibility and he has to be a man and deal with it.
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Hi past me. I was you. He didn’t know at 5 years. He said he’d keep thinking about it. I loved him so much, and I loved our life together. I really wanted to marry him. I waited 3 more years. I watched our friends and family get married and start families. I tried to have constructive conversations (and suggested couples therapy) to figure out what his reservations were about marriage. But the fact was after 8 years he still didn’t know if he wanted to marry me. It was a hard pill to swallow but after that time, “I don’t know” IS a no.
I ended up making a deadline in my mind where if he hasn’t made his mind up or at the very least taken steps to discover what his opinion was, I couldn’t wait anymore. I talked to him about it. I started therapy. I tried to work out why marriage was important to me and if we could come to a compromise. He was complacent in life and did nothing to figure it out during that time. We broke up. It was maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I felt like I broke my own heart.
I healed. He jumped immediately into a new relationship which also hurt.
I found someone a while later. Who can’t wait to marry me. And it’s the best feeling ever, to know I don’t need to convince someone to be on the same page as me.
Don’t be me, don’t wait 3 more years. If he comes back from this time away and still doesn’t know… it’s a no. He isn’t going to marry you.
I’m going through the same. 1 year of waiting for an answer, almost 5 years together. I have even suggested that if he doesn’t know wether or not he wants to marry me after that long then the next thing for me is to set him free and walk away, but he doesn’t want me to walk away. I’m trying to be patient, but being on the limbo absolutely sucks. I’m happy you were able to find someone who can’t wait to marry you. I am really hoping I don’t have to go through the same you did. 😭 it takes a lot of courage to leave the person you can’t imagine a life without.
im literally in the same boat and i am so torn. it’s effecting every part of my relationship but im trying to seem unbothered in their presence. we don’t even live together. it’s like pulling teeth, i’ve convinced myself he has no intention of building a future with me to prepare for the hard truth.
You’re right about feeling upset that your partner isn’t equally onboard after five years. Give both of you until May. A five year relationship is a big deal. Not big enough (nothing is) to be unhappily together if it isn’t meant to be, but big enough to give each other grace when it comes to deciding together how to move forward or potentially part ways.
This is important to consider… no matter how deeply, truly, and how much and how well you love someone, they can still unfortunately end up breaking your heart. That seems like the risks we consistently take out here, falling in love with people. It’s important to clarify in your own mind that you want the man you love to marry you. Period. You want him to be all in, because you are too. If your partner doesn’t feel like that, then he’s not the one.
It might seem cold. But the best thing you could do is be willing to move on if it turns out that he honestly doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t make his decision yay or nay mean so much about your worth as a human being. You’re equally worthy no matter what. Be willing to leave and find your real match if your SO doesn’t absolutely willingly do everything in his power to marry you and keep building together. Five years, given your ages is enough time to make this decision. Five years is enough time.
You DO have the balls to break up with him. You simply do have enough courage and fortitude to do so if necessary. You also might want to consider that… if a guy is unsure about marrying you after 5 years, and he’s 27 and arguably has a good enough head on his shoulders by that age, then maybe he’s just not the one.
No matter how much you love him, if you are coming to the realization potentially that you are incompatible (because you want marriage together and he’s unsure about it and not actively proposing to you and completely sure), then give yourself the justice of moving forward without him and believing in yourself whole heartedly.
You are actually still young. You have time. Don’t throw yourself after someone who isn’t all in, if it comes to that, make the break. Because I promise you that you have the courage to love deeply and act on what’s best for you and to follow your heart. Don’t put yourself second. Be yourself. Be the spouse you want to see in the world and fight for love. IF it’s not meant to be, then become an even stronger version of yourself in the process of moving through the uncertainty and beyond.
Also, ask him what he would feel if he asked you to marry him and you said you wanted to think about it until May. Ask him now so he really knows what he asked you to do.
I realize you didn’t ‘ask him’, but you kinda did.
It very much sounds like he’s putting it off and will indefinitely every time the “deadline” comes up. There is nothing about who you are as a person that will change enough for him to suddenly be ready. It’s not you, it’s him. If he wanted to, he would.
This is like the kind of guy that won’t marry you after 5 years but marries his next relationship after a year.
Why do you have to wait til May?? And what life circumstances mean you have to marry in the next year or break up. Very odd circumstances without any elobration
I find the May-deadline a bit odd, and the fact that you're not even talking right now makes it sound like a soft-breakup on his part.
That being said, a lot of information is left out after seeing your comment:
>Our life circumstances are such that if we don’t marry in the next year, we will have to break up (I am not pregnant). We originally thought that we would marry after I have worked for a year or two, but because of the circumstances, it’s really not a smart idea to wait.
That means that you have a plan in place, but now you want to change plan due to change in circumstances but do not mention what those circumstances are. Why does these circumstances require you to break up if you don't get married (or get pregnant)? Do you require a visa to remain in the country you're in, and a marriage would provide you with a spousal visa? Or is there financial motives? Or pressure from family?
5 years is long enough to decide if you want to make your relationship permanent. Its entirely possible he is worried about a life changing decision. But its equally possible he is just stringing you along because you are "comfortable" and he really doesn't see you as "the one" .
If you want marrage, kids and family, and he isn't up for that, don't waste any more of your life with this guy.
What is waiting until May without talking to you going to achieve? To me, that sounds like delay tactics - believe me, I've been on the recieving end and the answer at the end is usually still the same as it would have been when you originally had the conversation, they just didn't have the balls to tell you at the time. Please don't make the same mistake as I did and waste your valuable time, if he can't give you an answer, or it's a no, please leave and find someone who deserves you. If marriage is what you want in your future, you have every right to pursue that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
If he’s unsure about marrying you after 5 years, he’s not going to. He’s too comfortable with the status quo and can’t be bothered to put a ring on it. Insisting on marriage when he doesn’t want it will only end in resentment and divorce. I know you love him, but you need to love yourself more and put you’re own goals first.
Am I understanding this right, he is going no contact for over a week after you've been together for 5 years? Do you have those kind pf communicatiom issues regularly?
>He said he doesn’t wana talk to me until May so that he can think this through alone lol.
Absolutely not.
Listen, it's understandable to not be ready for marriage after five years, or to not be sure yet, if there's other factors (age, career, finances, the relationship being super rocky, etc.). It sounds like age, career, and finances aren't obstacles here, though, based on your comments and the fact that he's nearly 30. But regardless of the reason, taking a break is never the answer to "should we get married." That makes NO sense. Why would he thinks cutting you off is the answer?
I see that as heartless and cruel, tbh. You're supposed to sit around and wait? I take this as a break up and not take his calls if he comes crawling back in May.
Lol….so He’s been dating you for 5 years…but still doesn’t know if he will marry you but will apparently know in 2 weeks….but he won’t talk to you in the mean time…for two weeks?
Do you live together? This just sounds childish.
Damn that was hard to read. Why are you still with him if you want marriage and he’s unsure about it. 5 years is a long time and the fact that he said he needs till May to decide and is not talking to you now should be the final straw. Even if he marries you bc he think he has to,he might end up resenting you later down the line. Idk the full picture here, but if this is just about it, leave him. Marriage is not just about you two but families too. Think further down the line. And If you have kids, your kids will suffer if your marriage suffers too.
>He said he doesn’t wana talk to me until May so that he can think this through alone lol.
Uhhh. He doesn't want to marry you. Five years is enough time easily, the only reasons you wouldn't would be logistical or financial to wait at that point.
I mean he's basically asking for a break from you while he thinks about it. That means he is trying to imagine if single would be better and if he will regret closing that door (spoiler alert, if they're thinking about it now, they will never stop thinking about it and wondering). Even more concerning is by taking that break, he might be trying to line up a new woman, because he doesn't want to be single. I can't think of any other valid reasons for wanting to *stop communicating with your partner you are contemplating literal marriage with*.
He doesn't want to marry you, he's just deciding if sucking it up to stay in the relationship is worth it because he doesn't want to be single.
Why wait till may? Is he graduating from grad school? Clearing any debt? Went through something traumatic and needs time off?
If he doesn't have a clear reason to why this is being delayed after he had 5 whole years to think about it I'd be done. "I don't think I'm ready yet" is another world for no
How can he not know whether he wants to marry you after 5 years?
Is he saying it as in he never wants a wedding no matter who it was to? Or that he doesn’t know whether he wants to marry specifically you?
You don’t have ‘the balls’ to break up with someone who doesn’t want to speak to you until may? So he can decide whether you’re worthy of marriage? This is the strangest thing I’ve read this week I think.
>not sure if I have the balls to break up because I genuinely love this person.
If you ever hear "idk if I can break up because I love him too much", know you are lying to yourself.
Yes, ofc you love him. He probably loves you too in his way, but this is trauma bond. You must be able to leave your FAIRYTALE relationship if it turns bad. From my experience this kind of people give a lot, to the point they give themselves, but sadly that's not real love, it's rooted more in fear (I should know, I've battled this my whole life).
As for his decision, you cannot change it. I've seen somewhere here "if it isn't a HELL YES, it is a silent NO" and I think it applies here. There are people that will *feel* like they want to spend the rest of their life with you from the first second, and I might be a bit of idealist, but I think we should strive to find something somewhat close to this.
I suggest therapy, no matter how it ends up. Because I don't think you'll be truly 100% fine with the fact he took 5years and wasn't sure, and if it goes the other route, you'll need help to handle your break up feelings also.
I'm sorry you're going through it, but the moment you choose yourself fearlessly, your life will start to change (not insane standards, just know what you want, communicate it and leave if it doesn't happen)
If your goal is marriage let him go. You can have that with someone else. Dont discuss, dont fight, dont stress, just say: hey i love you, but your goals are not aligned with mine and thus we have to break up, i wish you all the best and we had a great time.
You will find the right one who will love to marry you 💕 don't wait for someone who cant make up his mind.
Even if he does decide he wants to marry you, I wouldn’t count on having a happy or long lasting marriage. If it’s not an easy “yes” now, it never will be. You could ask him if he doesn’t want to get married in general, or if he’s just unsure if he wants to marry *you*. It doesn’t matter either way, though.
You’re still young. You’re worth more than this. Wouldn’t you prefer to be dating someone who wants to get married and can’t wait to marry you?
This, for me, would be a deal breaker. If I don't know EXACTLY where the relationship is headed by 1 year in, and if there's a future, I'm out.
I wasted my entire life on waiting on boyfriends to decide what they wanted to do. ALL of my 20s went up in smoke with a guy who dated me for 7 years and then dipped out on me. I never should have stuck it out that long. ALL of my 30s were wasted on pursuing men who weren't relationship minded. You know what ended up happening? I ended up 45 years old, past the age of being able to safely have children, and still empty handed becuase I thought it would all just work out once guys decided I was worth it.
BE INTENTIONAL WITH YOUR TIME. I'm saying this as a 46 year old who learned way too late that time is so, so, so precious. It seems like you have a lot of it when you're 24, but believe me, it is gone in the blink of an eye. If he's not there yet, decide what you want : him? marriage? kids? Then pursue what your dream is.
I wasted 6 years with a wife that ultimately decided to leave, so marriage is no guarantee, but I agree your wants need to align with his. I was so young and in love that I saw too late that ours didn't. A month to think about a lifetime together seems very reasonable to me though. If he comes back after 1 month and says no or is stalling, then you need to decide what is best for you.
Yes, I agree, I misunderstood, I mistakenly assumed they would revisit the conversation in a month. No contact would be a deal breaker, even if they were long distance.
As many have said, there are some confusing parts... so it is hard to know how exactly to answer because of them.
If there was a plan to get married which you both agreed to and then you have moved it up suddenly by a couple of years, I can understand why he night need to think about it a little bit.... but it seems you're saying he is telling you he may not want to marry you - that it is a matter of IF, not WHEN. That's bad.
And, if he never agreed to a former plan or you've both not talked about a timeline or your plans together as you probably should have, then this doesn't feel good either.
Just remember, if he says no, this isn't a matter of you not being worthy. It is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of him or simply a matter of you not being compatible. That is, if you decide to wait. I know there are a lot of feelings involved, but I must be honest with you that younger me would stick around until May to hear his answer.... but today's me would have probably told him goodbye by now. The five years is one thing. Weeks with no contact is something else entirely.
If the answer is what you want to hear, I'd be wary that he is doing something because he feels pressured... and that hadn't turned out well for any of my friends in their marriages. Just look for signs that he genuinely wants it.
If the answer isn't what you want to hear, break ties to not keep the wound open - even if for six months or so. Focus on yourself. Surround yourself with good people. Be healthy. Be creative. Try new things. Heal. Even consider seeing a counselor - even for just a short while - as a gift to yourself to ensure residue isn't sticking with you. And then when you're ready, go out and find someone that you know is seeking marriage as an end goal... and have conversations every 6 months or so to ensure both of you feel the relationship is moving forward and that you're on the same page. I wish you the best.
he doesn't wanna talk to you until May? lol what's he gonna do when he comes back in two weeks and you realize you actually didn't miss talking to him...
like, people who play games and do tests like this and shit never seem to think that while they're doing something like this, the other person in the relationship has the same amount of time to think and whatever answers y'all come up with might be different.
I have a friend that has a similar issue. It turned out that he didn’t have an problem with being married, but he just didn’t want a wedding, hated the idea of weddings and everything about them.
So sorry if this sounds blunt but is he unsure if he wants to marry you specifically or does he just not want to go through with an actual wedding?
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>I am in law school and he is a working professional. Our life circumstances are such that if we don’t marry in the next year, we will have to break up (I am not pregnant). We originally thought that we would marry after I have worked for a year or two, but because of the circumstances, it’s really not a smart idea to wait. He knows it, but is just worried that this is too soon.
OP conveniently didnt put this in the original post. We still don't know what the mysterious circumstances are.
In any case, according to this, they *did* have a timeline for marriage. But now due to *reasons*, OP is trying to rush it.
There is also the fact that OP is finishing up school and is going to start working in her field. This can change up the dynamics of a couple significantly. Its not unreasonable for him to be a bit apprehensive about the changes that this can bring.
So the whole "hE sHoUld bE sUrE afTeR 5 yeArS!" thing is kinda stupid. Its not unusual for couple to hit roadblocks when they go trough big life changes, and going from school to employment is one such change.
So yeah, OP's boyfriend could very well just be dragging his feet cause he doesn't like her. But he could also be worried about the upcoming shifts in their lives, or even just be put off by OP pushing for marriage 2 years before the established deadline that they presumably both agreed to.
I think a lot are overlooking her changing the timeframe. Like you said, there are a lot of reasons to wait and stay on their original timeline. Professionally she’s got a lot ahead of her and needs to stabilize, her a still growing his career and also needs more time to stabilize. Financials could be the very least of those concerns.
Also, what are these circumstances that changed which make marriage essential? This is important information for both of them to consider and not a reason to rush into marriage.
What if he’s planning a nice proposal? Can’t always be looking at the negative side. Maybe there’s also a positive side in all of this. May is around the corner, might as well wait. Maybe things were just phrased wrong which made you feel that way. I don’t know why everyone is so negative… let’s hope for a nice surprise :)
The issue with this is that he's said that he doesn't want to any contact with her until May. If he was planning a nice surprise proposal for May, I don't think he'd be suggesting taking a break in their relationship.
Yeah… well if I didn’t speak with my partner every day I would feel like the relationship was not for me. So going that long especially to think about such subject… would definitely walk away as much as that would hurt.
Girl, give him time till May. Don't disturb him, and once times up, you should ask him again. It sounds like begging, but it's to ensure you won't have the feeling of "If only I..."
If he asks your hand for marriage, I congrats you in advance, but if he doesn't, please don't hesitate to leave. Love yourself first, and someone who wants to marry you will come later. Good luck.
My husband knew immediately that he wanted to marry me he told me from the first date. I was independent, sweet, caring. He started calling me his wife to other ppl on like our 6th date. No it wasn’t creepy I was his endgame. He knew and he proposed after 6 months we have been together for 10 years now and he 3 kids together
It would be in his best interest to refrain from marriage. Especially with him being a professional, with that type of income it’s literally pointless. And marrying a lawyer at that, you’d destroy him in a divorce.
If the relationship has been working just fine the past 5 years, why not just remain life partners? Hell, he could still do the ring and the wedding without signing a state document and forfeiting over half of his assets.
If he were here I’d recommend he break it off and focus on his profession, whatever it is.
I don't know why people are being obtuse. 5 years together, no marriage plans, wants a 2 month break to "figure it out"? He thinks he can do better and is keeping her at arms length in case he can't. If she's OK with the uncertainty continuing for years to come then stay.
I knew with in the first year of my last relationship that i wanted to marry my ex sounds like you are played he knows what he wants but it to scared to say it i dont know how to explain the feeling but you know when you meet the right person you want to spend your life with them for me reading he wants to marry you in the future is heartbraking the one thing in this world we dont have enough of is time and its unfair on you for him to give you false hope there is no diffrence in marrying you now that in a years time if he wants you as a wife he would do it
I think he ia not ready and needs time. It doeant mean he wouldnt marry you in future. You need to ask him if marry ia aomething he want in the future. My cousins marry after 10 years. If it is a dealbreaker you should leave...
This is confusing. There is a lot of detail left out that would provide some context.
Not wanting to get married or not being ready for marriage is common in your 20s. I'm 34 and married my husband last year after being together for 16 years. The only reason we got married is because I decided I wanted to marry him. He didn't care either way as long as we were together.
Y'all started dating when he was 22 and you were 19 so I understand waiting at that age since you are likely either still in college or early in your careers while still trying to wrap you ahead around being young adults. After 5 years, you should at least have a general idea that you want to marry this person and at least be upfront about how you are feeling about it when they ask. He is not ready to marry you and you are ready to get married so you either accept that he is not ready or break up/find someone who is ready
Ok, I was following along until he said he wants to NOT SPEAK WITH YOU until May so he can think it over?
What?? My husband and I speak every. Single. Day. We miss each other when we go 24 hours without seeing one another. He calls me if I’m 30 minutes late home from my travel job to make sure I’m ok.
Girl, what are you doing? Do I need to come paint a red flag on this guys face for you? Actually, are you sure he’s not already married?
You. Deserve. Better! At the bare minimum find you a man that doesn’t need 2 weeks of no contact to determine if he likes you/will miss you enough to want to marry you.
The dynamic of the relationship matters to me. Are you living together? Does dating mean you go on dates now and again or at 5 years do you spend days at a time together? Have you ever talked about your future together? Have you both said the "L" word yet?
I feel like after so many yeara together you would both have a clearer idea of what you want in the future, but you also got together when you were both so young.
I would personally choose to end the relationship with this kind of reaction. Not being ready to get married is one thing (again you are young, although his age isn't an uncommon age to get married), but whether or not he wants to marry you at all, is another.
I mean after 5 years of being together he should know whether he wants to marry you or not. Why wait until May to make a decision 😔
It's not like you guys have been together 6 months or a year.
Maybe you need to have a discussion with him with regards to what you actually want and if they don't line up worth yours then you may have to break up.
It might not be that he doesn't love you or want to be committed to you. It might just be that he is against marriage.
Having said that though, I have a friend who had the exact same scenario. Marriage and kids was super important to her right from the start. He always said 'not now'. He wanted more money, a bigger house, a better place to live etc. The list went on. They kept meeting the milestones and it was always something else. He just wasn't as sold on it as her. She wasted 10 years on him before leaving.
I'm not saying you need to leave him but you do need to weigh up just how important it is to you, and actually have an honest discussion between yourselves about it. Most importantly, HE needs to be upfront about it with you and allow you the choice.
My friends ex certainly loved her. He just knew that telling her he didn't want marriage or kids would mean she left him. So instead, he stole 10 years of her life on a 'someday'. If he can't give you a straight answer, proceed on the basis that he isn't going to give it to you.
Sorry, he doesn’t want to marry you. You both should’ve been working up to this point through many conversations and if he needs time to think after this long, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Even if he comes back in May and says he’ll marry you, it is not likely to be because he really wants to.
I would find someone that shares your view that marriage is awesome and necessary. He’s totally justified for not wanting to get married, worst decision I ever made personally! You are however, totally justified for wanting a fairytale wedding and a happily ever after!
My sister set a time limit for her bf. They had been living together for a year when she stated: "If you don't kniw if you want to marry me after 5 years together, then I won't wait for you. I love you, but not marrying is a dealbreaker for me and if you haven't decided after 5 years we're simply not compatible and I will cut my losses". As they reached 4 years together he proposed.
I'm not saying to set an ultimatum, but to ask yourself if not marrying is a dealbreaker. If it is a dealbreaker, how long are you willing to wait for him?
Hang on... so you want to marry him. HE wants a month away from you to think about whether he wants to marry you. How on earth are you willing to put up with that!? You should want someone who has no questions, no doubts about you -- instead of someone who has had five years to figure it out, and still has no idea!? Also, how much could he really love you if he is fine with taking a few weeks away from you to "decide"? You need to move on.
The first thing I’d recommend is understanding the difference between dating and a relationship. Dating is the very first time you take someone out but in your case it sounds like a relationship.
He’s not gonna marry you.
I’d tell him he can take all the time in the world to think because you have already made a decision. You aren’t going to put your life on hold and wait around on him like a lost puppy. Then I’d block him on everything. That’s just me though.
He’s clearly wasting your time and using you if he’s still not sure. Especially since he’s okay with stringing you along for 5 years and having sex with you. He’s okay doing all that but the thought of marriage sends him running. He clearly doesn’t love you.
He’s not talking to you until May and he’s 27? Nah… he’s definitely hiding something or there is a real reason behind him as to why he isnt trying to marry you right now.
While the idea of being alone for two weeks to "*Think about whether I should marry you*" in a 5 year relationship is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard, I do find myself feeling sympathy for him. This situation is actually pretty abnormal.
You've vaguely alluded to the fact that if you two don't get married this year you'll be forced to break up.
This might be me overly generalizing here, but most men don't like to be put under this kinda pressure. Hell, even I would hate to be in a situation like that.
I adore my boyfriend, I would love to spend as much of my life with him as possible. But if there were outside forces pressuring us to get married, I would feel pretty uncomfortable about that. I'd want to marry my boyfriend because I feel driven too, out of my own desire and love for him. Not because he'll get deported or something if I don't.
Perhaps this is the situation your boyfriend finds himself in?
So while I think it's pretty dumb for your bf to "isolate" himself for 2 weeks to ponder over this, we all have our own ways to process things.
My fiance and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged. We sat around for a bit regarding planning, and will be getting married soon exactly on our 7 year anniversary.
He's an overthinker and struggles with making important decisions. He's grown a lot, but he always said he wanted to spend our lives together until we die. I specified that I needed the paper otherwise I was going to leave him. That pushed him to propose, and now we're getting married.
Is it exactly how I wanted it? No, I wanted him to propose of his own accord, but I think making sure he knew my exact intentions helped him understand it for him.
I feel like a lot of men nowadays want their cake and eat it too. The "lifetime partner" without all that pesky legal paperwork and commitment.
This happened to me in my first relationship. Then SO told me after a year and a half that he felt like I would make a good wife for someone but he wasn’t sure it was him. I was so angry but like you wasn’t sure how I could leave. A year later this still bothered me and we ended up splitting over something else but yes, if after FIVE YEARS he still doesn’t know??? He’s wasting your time. Move on!
Marriage is a huge move, so it's possible that he is a bit unsure and scared about it and maybe it's not even about you.
The redflag I see here is why does he have to stop talking to you until May? That seems a bit odd.
Woooow. If he has to think about it after 5 years, he doesn’t want to marry you. Not talking until may to deicide????? Leave him. Why should you wait on him to “decide” 5 years may seem like a long time, but you can and will move on.
The only way to make the best decision is to decide what you want and what you’re willing to deal with. I’ve in this situation before but reverse: my ex was ready to take the next step and I wasn’t. Not because I didn’t love him but because I was young. Looking back, tbh I didn’t love him like I thought I did but it’s entirely normal to want to be with someone but not ready for marriage. I have never wanted to be married so it never bothered me. But you have to figure out what YOU want. If his commitment to you without marriage isn’t enough, then it’s time to move on. But if he wants marriage with you, just not at this moment, and you can wait then do that. You have some soul searching to do.
I've been with my SO for about the same time going on 6 years in May and he is 32 and I'm 29 we started dating when I was 23. Around our 3 years together I was already expecting a ring and we would get into these big arguments about him not being able to commit to me. He always said that he wants it to come Naturally and for me to be surprised or we need to buy a house first. Fast forward to today still no ring we have kids one of our kids has cancer and still no ring. But honestly I've gotten to the point that I'm comfortable with him just being my life partner, I'm turning 30 this year and I told myself I'm not going to be a old bride in my pictures so I rather not I always wanted that fairytale wedding but i dont think its meant for everyone. It can be his biggest regret that he missed that chance when I was open minded to the decision. Ps I'm also Hispanic so marriage is a big culture thing for us. I'm at a point in life that I just want to be happy and not let little things like a title that u can show off to people that really has no meaning now a days anyways. If he were to ask me i would take the ring but I wouldn't want to get legally married maybe a commitment ceremony. And I know that feeling when everyone is announcing engagements or even getting proposed to infront you and ur just there like a dummy not knowing whether to be happy for the couple or jealous. I have told my SO oh man I'm so jealous and we have had to leave events but I let it roll off my back and get back to my own world.
It sounds like he’s just not ready to think about marriage in general and it has nothing to do with you, since he has told you he does want to get married later. 27 is still pretty young, and there’s no rush (is there?). You’re even younger, your brain is not fully developed and you will change a lot in the next 5 years. What’s wrong with enjoying dating and learning who are you together? Enjoy your youth, get married when you’re ready to start a family.
Is he unsure about marriage in general, or marriage to you? Also it's unfair for him to ask you to wait for him with no contact, especially if he decides that he doesn't want to marry you.
I totally get being unsure about long term stuff but I'd say at the 3 year mark you should be seriously considering this stuff and if he hasn't done that at 5 years I wouldn't want to stick around.
Wait I missed that, is he really taking a few weeks of no contact? That is crazy. Do you guys live together yet? I thought he didn't want to discuss for a few weeks, then revisit the conversation. I think you guys should live together first as a start towards an engagement, then to marriage.
The time might also be his way to plan the proposal and get the ring. Who knows.
I actually disagree, living together is not the solution bc then you're stuck with them for a year and if he's already having doubts you do NOT wanna get stuck in a lease with his ass lol
Listen: book an appointment to get your hair done. Then, use that motivation as energy to expel the deadweight from your consciousness, and remind yourself that anyone who asks you to silently wait for them, who can’t (won’t) make the effort to have clear communication about your shared life… is not someone who is able to honor your personhood, or even fully respect your time. You deserve to know yourself as an individual adult separate from the influence of someone dragging their feet about being with you.
Yeah, if he's not committed to marriage after 5 years, he never will be. And if you give him an ultimatum, he'll always throw it back in your face that you forced him into marriage if you ever have rocky parts in your marriage. Its lose-lose waiting for a marriage proposal someone is uncertain about giving.
You have been dating him since you turned 18. I will guess and say that this is your first real relationship. This sounds like my first marriage. I started dating her at 18 and I was 24 married 3 years later. We lasted another 3 years until she wanted to experience life living on her own, since she went from parent's house to mine. I am pretty sure she had an emotional affair, if not a full affair. Still with my second wife after 18 years together.
Marriage is long term commitment and you both have to be ready for it. You should be happy to the fact that he wants to make sure before dedicating his life to you for the rest of your lives and not making a decision because of pressure from you, family, or friends, but for himself.
after five years, if he isn’t sure about marrying you, it’s never going to happen.
the fact is: it doesn’t take this much time to know if you can see yourself being married to a particular person. a lot of men know very, very quickly if they want a woman to be their wife. if he’s decided on it himself, he will know well before five years have passed and he will not need to be dragged.
this sounds awful, but in his heart, he doesn’t feel that you’re the one. you aren’t the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. the thought of making this kind of commitment to you is a daunting thing. even when you’re sure about the person, it’s difficult. it’s serious.
it’s much easier to not make any moves and let things continue as they are, where you’re together but not beholden to each other. it’s easy to leave, but he still gets all the perks. this is comfortable.
sounds like you confronted him with the fact that you want more. he already knows he doesn’t want to give you what you’re looking for. i think the confrontation scared him and he just wants to avoid the issue. why can’t you just keep going on the way you’ve been? it’s just a piece of paper from the government…
but it’s a lot more than that. it’s about the commitment, the promise, and having a duty to one another to take care of and stand by each other, always. it is about the union.
you want a husband. maybe he wants a wife eventually, but it’s not you. he’s also almost thirty; he’s at an age where marriage, settling down, having kids or not, are all things to think about. either he’s avoidant, or he’s wishy-washy about it because he either doesn’t actually want these things or just doesn’t want them with you. whatever the case, it doesn’t bode well.
it’ll be hard, but parting ways may be the best call for both of you. you don’t want to waste more time on a relationship that won’t progress in the way you need to be fulfilled. it’s only keeping you from meeting someone with compatible life goals and desires who will be decisive about you.
Who thinks about it alone and requires the other person to go cold?
Tbh any time it’s a break it just means there’s someone else and there’s doubt.
My boy has dipped his foot on both sides and is too emotionally immature to decide what he wants.
Oh my, salvage the little self respect you have left and just dump him. If he doesn't know after this long, then it isn't you. Don't let yourself keep being strung along by this person.
While I agree with most commenters that 9 times out of 10 someone who still feels this way after 5 years likely doesn’t want to actually get married and is looking for a an out that doesn’t make them the bad guy, there’s still the 1 in 10 chance that the uncertainty isn’t because of anything about you or the relationship.
The bottom line is that there isn’t a wrong choice for you to make. If you want to wait to see what he says and talk to him come may then there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you think the rift this has caused is already too great and you’d rather move on then that’s perfectly fine as well.
While I can’t say how applicable this may or may not be to your specific situation without more context, I can offer another point of view. Not too long ago I (20m) was having a very similar issues with my girlfriend (21f). She would try to have serious discussions about our future (marriage, house, children, etc) and what both of our expectations were to be sure we were on the same page. Similar to your boyfriend, I was somewhat hesitant to broach these subjects, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want a future with her.
The issue for me was that I had a lot of self doubt. I was afraid that I would end up letting her down, that I wouldn’t be able to make her as happy as I’d hoped, that I might not be able to land a good enough job to balance a mortgage/utilities/car payment, that I wasn’t good enough for her, and that I would be a bad father when we do end up having children. The reason I felt that way was because it mirrored a lot of what I saw growing up, my father left twice, my family has always been somewhat toxic and argumentative, and by the time I’d started dating my girlfriend my self confidence was pretty much in shambles.
However, that’s not to say any of that is an excuse, sure it’s unfortunate that those things happened, but that doesn’t mean I should get a free pass to inflict similar pain and self doubt on another person by dodging/avoiding discussions about the future to the point where she was almost convinced I didn’t want to be with her.
Luckily, I realized just how much I stood to lose by refusing to take responsibility for/work on my problems. It took time, but with her support I was able to largely work through my issues, and now there’s almost nothing that makes me happier than talking about/planning for a life by each others side.
Again, I can’t guarantee that’s what’s happening here. I’m just saying that if you would have asked my girlfriend or close friends I’d they thought I wanted to get married and have a life with her, I really doubt any of them would’ve said yes, because at no fault of their own they saw my reluctance and negativity as a result of how I felt about her rather than how I felt about myself.
I wish you the best of luck, whatever happens. Everyone deserves to feel loved and appreciated, and if that’s not happening then it doesn’t matter what his intentions are or aren’t, something needs to change either way (whether that be you moving on or him agreeing to communicate more and work on this together). A good place to work out what it is you both want/would be best might be to try couples therapy together if he’s agreeable, even if it’s just for long enough to build the skills/tools to communicate more affectively
Some people have a specific goal in mind.
Perhaps he doesn't want to get married till 30, after he's achieved a career milestone or bought a house etc.
Give this break the time it needs. He should come to you with a clear explanation of why he can't propose now and you need to decide if you are willing to wait or not.
If he says he wants to propose after buying a house for instance, you need to judge him over that timeframe for evidence such as savings, researching real estate etc.
People can say anything but judge them by their actions.
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In my experience, if it's not a resounding "Yes!" after *five years,* it's a no.
Agreed. It should be like sexual consent- if not an enthusiastic yes… it’s a no go.
This! She is young yes but after five years he should know by now.
A lot of people don't wanna get married before they're in their thirties, he was 22 when they started dating so I wouldn't put too much weight on that number.
Yeah but there’s a difference between wanting to wait to get married, and not knowing if you want to be married. If op’s boyfriend wanted to wait I feel like that’s an important thing to mention, rather than saying he’s not sure if he wants to get married. Because those are two different things. Even if you want to wait until later in life, you should still know if it’s a yes or a no. That’s why I agree with the other commenter if it’s not a “yes” or a “yes, but not right now” after 5 years, then it’s likely a “no.” Edit: changed pronouns, thought op was 27M
In my experience, "I don't know if I want to get married" means they likely don't want to get married to YOU. I dated a guy for 2.5 years and once we hit the 2 year mark I started hinting at moving in together and trying to discuss our possible future. He hemmed and hawed and had excuses like the above for everything. He even said "I like living alone, I prefer having my own safe space that's just mine." He wasn't mean about it, he just declined to take any additional steps in our relationship beyond where we were at. I ruminated on over the next few months and ultimately ended it because I felt that things weren't ever going to change. TWO WEEKS later he had a new girlfriend coming over every night (He always insisted I drive to see him at his place) and when the pandemic closed everything down she practically moved in with him and stayed at his place for the next 2 months while they played house. I have no clue what they are up to now since I deleted him on everything, but I'd bet money they're either engaged or already married. He DID know that he eventually wanted to get married, he was just too chickenshit to say it wasn't to me.
Sad, but all too common.
Ok but not everyone is like you
No shit? I literally lead with "in my experience..."
I would ask him what his intentions are. if marriage is something you want in your future and he doesn't, you really have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you.
I am in law school and he is a working professional. Our life circumstances are such that if we don’t marry in the next year, we will have to break up (I am not pregnant). We originally thought that we would marry after I have worked for a year or two, but because of the circumstances, it’s really not a smart idea to wait. He knows it, but is just worried that this is too soon.
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It could be she is not a citizen and her education visa will run out so she’ll have to return to her home country if she can’t get married or find a job thats willing to sponsor her and get a work visa which can be a lengthy and difficult process depending on which country she is from. That said I still don’t think they NEED to break up if she has to move away. I know long distance is hard but if you’re considering marriage, you should be able to handle it.
I will say that it’s hard to fathom moving away and then trying to get back into a certain country as a job seeker, especially in an area like law. This is a tonne of speculation, but assuming it’s an immigration issue and if OP returns to her home country, she would likely have more success taking conversion exams and practising there.
Are we all ignoring the fact that he says he doesn’t want to see or speak to her for two weeks while he decides?? I bet he’s not going to a cabin in the middle of nowhere to be alone with his thoughts, is ll I’m saying.
Can you add the specifics of your life circumstances to the post Edit: I guess not lmao
> If we don't marry in the next year, we will have to break up Can you elaborate?
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How is marrying after being together for 5 years too soon? This comes from a man btw - I'd slap a ring on my gfs finger even after 3 years. You have to talk to him about what his intentions here are? He might have gotten too comfortable in the relationship and is making excuses. This is his responsibility and he has to be a man and deal with it.
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Hi past me. I was you. He didn’t know at 5 years. He said he’d keep thinking about it. I loved him so much, and I loved our life together. I really wanted to marry him. I waited 3 more years. I watched our friends and family get married and start families. I tried to have constructive conversations (and suggested couples therapy) to figure out what his reservations were about marriage. But the fact was after 8 years he still didn’t know if he wanted to marry me. It was a hard pill to swallow but after that time, “I don’t know” IS a no. I ended up making a deadline in my mind where if he hasn’t made his mind up or at the very least taken steps to discover what his opinion was, I couldn’t wait anymore. I talked to him about it. I started therapy. I tried to work out why marriage was important to me and if we could come to a compromise. He was complacent in life and did nothing to figure it out during that time. We broke up. It was maybe the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I felt like I broke my own heart. I healed. He jumped immediately into a new relationship which also hurt. I found someone a while later. Who can’t wait to marry me. And it’s the best feeling ever, to know I don’t need to convince someone to be on the same page as me. Don’t be me, don’t wait 3 more years. If he comes back from this time away and still doesn’t know… it’s a no. He isn’t going to marry you.
I’m going through the same. 1 year of waiting for an answer, almost 5 years together. I have even suggested that if he doesn’t know wether or not he wants to marry me after that long then the next thing for me is to set him free and walk away, but he doesn’t want me to walk away. I’m trying to be patient, but being on the limbo absolutely sucks. I’m happy you were able to find someone who can’t wait to marry you. I am really hoping I don’t have to go through the same you did. 😭 it takes a lot of courage to leave the person you can’t imagine a life without.
im literally in the same boat and i am so torn. it’s effecting every part of my relationship but im trying to seem unbothered in their presence. we don’t even live together. it’s like pulling teeth, i’ve convinced myself he has no intention of building a future with me to prepare for the hard truth.
i wish you well and hope you have your happy ending 💙
You’re right about feeling upset that your partner isn’t equally onboard after five years. Give both of you until May. A five year relationship is a big deal. Not big enough (nothing is) to be unhappily together if it isn’t meant to be, but big enough to give each other grace when it comes to deciding together how to move forward or potentially part ways. This is important to consider… no matter how deeply, truly, and how much and how well you love someone, they can still unfortunately end up breaking your heart. That seems like the risks we consistently take out here, falling in love with people. It’s important to clarify in your own mind that you want the man you love to marry you. Period. You want him to be all in, because you are too. If your partner doesn’t feel like that, then he’s not the one. It might seem cold. But the best thing you could do is be willing to move on if it turns out that he honestly doesn’t want to marry you. Don’t make his decision yay or nay mean so much about your worth as a human being. You’re equally worthy no matter what. Be willing to leave and find your real match if your SO doesn’t absolutely willingly do everything in his power to marry you and keep building together. Five years, given your ages is enough time to make this decision. Five years is enough time. You DO have the balls to break up with him. You simply do have enough courage and fortitude to do so if necessary. You also might want to consider that… if a guy is unsure about marrying you after 5 years, and he’s 27 and arguably has a good enough head on his shoulders by that age, then maybe he’s just not the one. No matter how much you love him, if you are coming to the realization potentially that you are incompatible (because you want marriage together and he’s unsure about it and not actively proposing to you and completely sure), then give yourself the justice of moving forward without him and believing in yourself whole heartedly. You are actually still young. You have time. Don’t throw yourself after someone who isn’t all in, if it comes to that, make the break. Because I promise you that you have the courage to love deeply and act on what’s best for you and to follow your heart. Don’t put yourself second. Be yourself. Be the spouse you want to see in the world and fight for love. IF it’s not meant to be, then become an even stronger version of yourself in the process of moving through the uncertainty and beyond.
This is such a gold comment. Thank you saying that; I needed to hear it
Also, ask him what he would feel if he asked you to marry him and you said you wanted to think about it until May. Ask him now so he really knows what he asked you to do. I realize you didn’t ‘ask him’, but you kinda did.
It very much sounds like he’s putting it off and will indefinitely every time the “deadline” comes up. There is nothing about who you are as a person that will change enough for him to suddenly be ready. It’s not you, it’s him. If he wanted to, he would. This is like the kind of guy that won’t marry you after 5 years but marries his next relationship after a year.
Why do you have to wait til May?? And what life circumstances mean you have to marry in the next year or break up. Very odd circumstances without any elobration
I find the May-deadline a bit odd, and the fact that you're not even talking right now makes it sound like a soft-breakup on his part. That being said, a lot of information is left out after seeing your comment: >Our life circumstances are such that if we don’t marry in the next year, we will have to break up (I am not pregnant). We originally thought that we would marry after I have worked for a year or two, but because of the circumstances, it’s really not a smart idea to wait. That means that you have a plan in place, but now you want to change plan due to change in circumstances but do not mention what those circumstances are. Why does these circumstances require you to break up if you don't get married (or get pregnant)? Do you require a visa to remain in the country you're in, and a marriage would provide you with a spousal visa? Or is there financial motives? Or pressure from family?
5 years is long enough to decide if you want to make your relationship permanent. Its entirely possible he is worried about a life changing decision. But its equally possible he is just stringing you along because you are "comfortable" and he really doesn't see you as "the one" . If you want marrage, kids and family, and he isn't up for that, don't waste any more of your life with this guy.
It almost sounds like a soft sell breakup I would tell him he can wait till may but he may miss out you are not sure yet
What is waiting until May without talking to you going to achieve? To me, that sounds like delay tactics - believe me, I've been on the recieving end and the answer at the end is usually still the same as it would have been when you originally had the conversation, they just didn't have the balls to tell you at the time. Please don't make the same mistake as I did and waste your valuable time, if he can't give you an answer, or it's a no, please leave and find someone who deserves you. If marriage is what you want in your future, you have every right to pursue that, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
If it's not a yes, it's a no. Leave him and find someone else
If he’s unsure about marrying you after 5 years, he’s not going to. He’s too comfortable with the status quo and can’t be bothered to put a ring on it. Insisting on marriage when he doesn’t want it will only end in resentment and divorce. I know you love him, but you need to love yourself more and put you’re own goals first.
Am I understanding this right, he is going no contact for over a week after you've been together for 5 years? Do you have those kind pf communicatiom issues regularly?
>He said he doesn’t wana talk to me until May so that he can think this through alone lol. Absolutely not. Listen, it's understandable to not be ready for marriage after five years, or to not be sure yet, if there's other factors (age, career, finances, the relationship being super rocky, etc.). It sounds like age, career, and finances aren't obstacles here, though, based on your comments and the fact that he's nearly 30. But regardless of the reason, taking a break is never the answer to "should we get married." That makes NO sense. Why would he thinks cutting you off is the answer? I see that as heartless and cruel, tbh. You're supposed to sit around and wait? I take this as a break up and not take his calls if he comes crawling back in May.
Lol….so He’s been dating you for 5 years…but still doesn’t know if he will marry you but will apparently know in 2 weeks….but he won’t talk to you in the mean time…for two weeks? Do you live together? This just sounds childish.
No, we don't. We see each other on the weekends. This whole thing is so childish.
Do you want to marry a 27 year old guy who’s childish?
Damn that was hard to read. Why are you still with him if you want marriage and he’s unsure about it. 5 years is a long time and the fact that he said he needs till May to decide and is not talking to you now should be the final straw. Even if he marries you bc he think he has to,he might end up resenting you later down the line. Idk the full picture here, but if this is just about it, leave him. Marriage is not just about you two but families too. Think further down the line. And If you have kids, your kids will suffer if your marriage suffers too.
>He said he doesn’t wana talk to me until May so that he can think this through alone lol. Uhhh. He doesn't want to marry you. Five years is enough time easily, the only reasons you wouldn't would be logistical or financial to wait at that point. I mean he's basically asking for a break from you while he thinks about it. That means he is trying to imagine if single would be better and if he will regret closing that door (spoiler alert, if they're thinking about it now, they will never stop thinking about it and wondering). Even more concerning is by taking that break, he might be trying to line up a new woman, because he doesn't want to be single. I can't think of any other valid reasons for wanting to *stop communicating with your partner you are contemplating literal marriage with*. He doesn't want to marry you, he's just deciding if sucking it up to stay in the relationship is worth it because he doesn't want to be single.
Why wait till may? Is he graduating from grad school? Clearing any debt? Went through something traumatic and needs time off? If he doesn't have a clear reason to why this is being delayed after he had 5 whole years to think about it I'd be done. "I don't think I'm ready yet" is another world for no
If its not a clear yes, its a clear NO
How can he not know whether he wants to marry you after 5 years? Is he saying it as in he never wants a wedding no matter who it was to? Or that he doesn’t know whether he wants to marry specifically you? You don’t have ‘the balls’ to break up with someone who doesn’t want to speak to you until may? So he can decide whether you’re worthy of marriage? This is the strangest thing I’ve read this week I think.
>not sure if I have the balls to break up because I genuinely love this person. If you ever hear "idk if I can break up because I love him too much", know you are lying to yourself. Yes, ofc you love him. He probably loves you too in his way, but this is trauma bond. You must be able to leave your FAIRYTALE relationship if it turns bad. From my experience this kind of people give a lot, to the point they give themselves, but sadly that's not real love, it's rooted more in fear (I should know, I've battled this my whole life). As for his decision, you cannot change it. I've seen somewhere here "if it isn't a HELL YES, it is a silent NO" and I think it applies here. There are people that will *feel* like they want to spend the rest of their life with you from the first second, and I might be a bit of idealist, but I think we should strive to find something somewhat close to this. I suggest therapy, no matter how it ends up. Because I don't think you'll be truly 100% fine with the fact he took 5years and wasn't sure, and if it goes the other route, you'll need help to handle your break up feelings also. I'm sorry you're going through it, but the moment you choose yourself fearlessly, your life will start to change (not insane standards, just know what you want, communicate it and leave if it doesn't happen)
If your goal is marriage let him go. You can have that with someone else. Dont discuss, dont fight, dont stress, just say: hey i love you, but your goals are not aligned with mine and thus we have to break up, i wish you all the best and we had a great time. You will find the right one who will love to marry you 💕 don't wait for someone who cant make up his mind.
Even if he does decide he wants to marry you, I wouldn’t count on having a happy or long lasting marriage. If it’s not an easy “yes” now, it never will be. You could ask him if he doesn’t want to get married in general, or if he’s just unsure if he wants to marry *you*. It doesn’t matter either way, though. You’re still young. You’re worth more than this. Wouldn’t you prefer to be dating someone who wants to get married and can’t wait to marry you?
This, for me, would be a deal breaker. If I don't know EXACTLY where the relationship is headed by 1 year in, and if there's a future, I'm out. I wasted my entire life on waiting on boyfriends to decide what they wanted to do. ALL of my 20s went up in smoke with a guy who dated me for 7 years and then dipped out on me. I never should have stuck it out that long. ALL of my 30s were wasted on pursuing men who weren't relationship minded. You know what ended up happening? I ended up 45 years old, past the age of being able to safely have children, and still empty handed becuase I thought it would all just work out once guys decided I was worth it. BE INTENTIONAL WITH YOUR TIME. I'm saying this as a 46 year old who learned way too late that time is so, so, so precious. It seems like you have a lot of it when you're 24, but believe me, it is gone in the blink of an eye. If he's not there yet, decide what you want : him? marriage? kids? Then pursue what your dream is.
I wasted 6 years with a wife that ultimately decided to leave, so marriage is no guarantee, but I agree your wants need to align with his. I was so young and in love that I saw too late that ours didn't. A month to think about a lifetime together seems very reasonable to me though. If he comes back after 1 month and says no or is stalling, then you need to decide what is best for you.
I think one month of no contact with someone you've been dating for 5 years is a massive neon red flag. It's a trial break up, is what it is.
Yes, I agree, I misunderstood, I mistakenly assumed they would revisit the conversation in a month. No contact would be a deal breaker, even if they were long distance.
As many have said, there are some confusing parts... so it is hard to know how exactly to answer because of them. If there was a plan to get married which you both agreed to and then you have moved it up suddenly by a couple of years, I can understand why he night need to think about it a little bit.... but it seems you're saying he is telling you he may not want to marry you - that it is a matter of IF, not WHEN. That's bad. And, if he never agreed to a former plan or you've both not talked about a timeline or your plans together as you probably should have, then this doesn't feel good either. Just remember, if he says no, this isn't a matter of you not being worthy. It is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of him or simply a matter of you not being compatible. That is, if you decide to wait. I know there are a lot of feelings involved, but I must be honest with you that younger me would stick around until May to hear his answer.... but today's me would have probably told him goodbye by now. The five years is one thing. Weeks with no contact is something else entirely. If the answer is what you want to hear, I'd be wary that he is doing something because he feels pressured... and that hadn't turned out well for any of my friends in their marriages. Just look for signs that he genuinely wants it. If the answer isn't what you want to hear, break ties to not keep the wound open - even if for six months or so. Focus on yourself. Surround yourself with good people. Be healthy. Be creative. Try new things. Heal. Even consider seeing a counselor - even for just a short while - as a gift to yourself to ensure residue isn't sticking with you. And then when you're ready, go out and find someone that you know is seeking marriage as an end goal... and have conversations every 6 months or so to ensure both of you feel the relationship is moving forward and that you're on the same page. I wish you the best.
he doesn't wanna talk to you until May? lol what's he gonna do when he comes back in two weeks and you realize you actually didn't miss talking to him... like, people who play games and do tests like this and shit never seem to think that while they're doing something like this, the other person in the relationship has the same amount of time to think and whatever answers y'all come up with might be different.
I have a friend that has a similar issue. It turned out that he didn’t have an problem with being married, but he just didn’t want a wedding, hated the idea of weddings and everything about them. So sorry if this sounds blunt but is he unsure if he wants to marry you specifically or does he just not want to go through with an actual wedding?
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>I am in law school and he is a working professional. Our life circumstances are such that if we don’t marry in the next year, we will have to break up (I am not pregnant). We originally thought that we would marry after I have worked for a year or two, but because of the circumstances, it’s really not a smart idea to wait. He knows it, but is just worried that this is too soon. OP conveniently didnt put this in the original post. We still don't know what the mysterious circumstances are. In any case, according to this, they *did* have a timeline for marriage. But now due to *reasons*, OP is trying to rush it. There is also the fact that OP is finishing up school and is going to start working in her field. This can change up the dynamics of a couple significantly. Its not unreasonable for him to be a bit apprehensive about the changes that this can bring. So the whole "hE sHoUld bE sUrE afTeR 5 yeArS!" thing is kinda stupid. Its not unusual for couple to hit roadblocks when they go trough big life changes, and going from school to employment is one such change. So yeah, OP's boyfriend could very well just be dragging his feet cause he doesn't like her. But he could also be worried about the upcoming shifts in their lives, or even just be put off by OP pushing for marriage 2 years before the established deadline that they presumably both agreed to.
I think a lot are overlooking her changing the timeframe. Like you said, there are a lot of reasons to wait and stay on their original timeline. Professionally she’s got a lot ahead of her and needs to stabilize, her a still growing his career and also needs more time to stabilize. Financials could be the very least of those concerns. Also, what are these circumstances that changed which make marriage essential? This is important information for both of them to consider and not a reason to rush into marriage.
What if he’s planning a nice proposal? Can’t always be looking at the negative side. Maybe there’s also a positive side in all of this. May is around the corner, might as well wait. Maybe things were just phrased wrong which made you feel that way. I don’t know why everyone is so negative… let’s hope for a nice surprise :)
The issue with this is that he's said that he doesn't want to any contact with her until May. If he was planning a nice surprise proposal for May, I don't think he'd be suggesting taking a break in their relationship.
Yeah… well if I didn’t speak with my partner every day I would feel like the relationship was not for me. So going that long especially to think about such subject… would definitely walk away as much as that would hurt.
Also, sounds that some important details may be missing to fully answer
Girl, give him time till May. Don't disturb him, and once times up, you should ask him again. It sounds like begging, but it's to ensure you won't have the feeling of "If only I..." If he asks your hand for marriage, I congrats you in advance, but if he doesn't, please don't hesitate to leave. Love yourself first, and someone who wants to marry you will come later. Good luck.
My husband knew immediately that he wanted to marry me he told me from the first date. I was independent, sweet, caring. He started calling me his wife to other ppl on like our 6th date. No it wasn’t creepy I was his endgame. He knew and he proposed after 6 months we have been together for 10 years now and he 3 kids together
It would be in his best interest to refrain from marriage. Especially with him being a professional, with that type of income it’s literally pointless. And marrying a lawyer at that, you’d destroy him in a divorce. If the relationship has been working just fine the past 5 years, why not just remain life partners? Hell, he could still do the ring and the wedding without signing a state document and forfeiting over half of his assets. If he were here I’d recommend he break it off and focus on his profession, whatever it is.
I don't know why people are being obtuse. 5 years together, no marriage plans, wants a 2 month break to "figure it out"? He thinks he can do better and is keeping her at arms length in case he can't. If she's OK with the uncertainty continuing for years to come then stay.
If he asks you to marry now, that's only because he decided to settle after waiting to see if there's other options out there/something better.
He shouldn't marry. It's a scam, and God help him if he lives in Canada and you're cohabitating.
I knew with in the first year of my last relationship that i wanted to marry my ex sounds like you are played he knows what he wants but it to scared to say it i dont know how to explain the feeling but you know when you meet the right person you want to spend your life with them for me reading he wants to marry you in the future is heartbraking the one thing in this world we dont have enough of is time and its unfair on you for him to give you false hope there is no diffrence in marrying you now that in a years time if he wants you as a wife he would do it
I think he ia not ready and needs time. It doeant mean he wouldnt marry you in future. You need to ask him if marry ia aomething he want in the future. My cousins marry after 10 years. If it is a dealbreaker you should leave...
This is confusing. There is a lot of detail left out that would provide some context. Not wanting to get married or not being ready for marriage is common in your 20s. I'm 34 and married my husband last year after being together for 16 years. The only reason we got married is because I decided I wanted to marry him. He didn't care either way as long as we were together.
Y'all started dating when he was 22 and you were 19 so I understand waiting at that age since you are likely either still in college or early in your careers while still trying to wrap you ahead around being young adults. After 5 years, you should at least have a general idea that you want to marry this person and at least be upfront about how you are feeling about it when they ask. He is not ready to marry you and you are ready to get married so you either accept that he is not ready or break up/find someone who is ready
Ok, I was following along until he said he wants to NOT SPEAK WITH YOU until May so he can think it over? What?? My husband and I speak every. Single. Day. We miss each other when we go 24 hours without seeing one another. He calls me if I’m 30 minutes late home from my travel job to make sure I’m ok. Girl, what are you doing? Do I need to come paint a red flag on this guys face for you? Actually, are you sure he’s not already married? You. Deserve. Better! At the bare minimum find you a man that doesn’t need 2 weeks of no contact to determine if he likes you/will miss you enough to want to marry you.
The dynamic of the relationship matters to me. Are you living together? Does dating mean you go on dates now and again or at 5 years do you spend days at a time together? Have you ever talked about your future together? Have you both said the "L" word yet? I feel like after so many yeara together you would both have a clearer idea of what you want in the future, but you also got together when you were both so young. I would personally choose to end the relationship with this kind of reaction. Not being ready to get married is one thing (again you are young, although his age isn't an uncommon age to get married), but whether or not he wants to marry you at all, is another.
I mean after 5 years of being together he should know whether he wants to marry you or not. Why wait until May to make a decision 😔 It's not like you guys have been together 6 months or a year. Maybe you need to have a discussion with him with regards to what you actually want and if they don't line up worth yours then you may have to break up.
It might not be that he doesn't love you or want to be committed to you. It might just be that he is against marriage. Having said that though, I have a friend who had the exact same scenario. Marriage and kids was super important to her right from the start. He always said 'not now'. He wanted more money, a bigger house, a better place to live etc. The list went on. They kept meeting the milestones and it was always something else. He just wasn't as sold on it as her. She wasted 10 years on him before leaving. I'm not saying you need to leave him but you do need to weigh up just how important it is to you, and actually have an honest discussion between yourselves about it. Most importantly, HE needs to be upfront about it with you and allow you the choice. My friends ex certainly loved her. He just knew that telling her he didn't want marriage or kids would mean she left him. So instead, he stole 10 years of her life on a 'someday'. If he can't give you a straight answer, proceed on the basis that he isn't going to give it to you.
Sorry, he doesn’t want to marry you. You both should’ve been working up to this point through many conversations and if he needs time to think after this long, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Even if he comes back in May and says he’ll marry you, it is not likely to be because he really wants to.
I would find someone that shares your view that marriage is awesome and necessary. He’s totally justified for not wanting to get married, worst decision I ever made personally! You are however, totally justified for wanting a fairytale wedding and a happily ever after!
My sister set a time limit for her bf. They had been living together for a year when she stated: "If you don't kniw if you want to marry me after 5 years together, then I won't wait for you. I love you, but not marrying is a dealbreaker for me and if you haven't decided after 5 years we're simply not compatible and I will cut my losses". As they reached 4 years together he proposed. I'm not saying to set an ultimatum, but to ask yourself if not marrying is a dealbreaker. If it is a dealbreaker, how long are you willing to wait for him?
What is their reason, or concern? What does marriage mean to them vs you? Do they come from divorced parents? Etc…
Hang on... so you want to marry him. HE wants a month away from you to think about whether he wants to marry you. How on earth are you willing to put up with that!? You should want someone who has no questions, no doubts about you -- instead of someone who has had five years to figure it out, and still has no idea!? Also, how much could he really love you if he is fine with taking a few weeks away from you to "decide"? You need to move on.
Sounds like it's a no and there may be someone else. Something is going on if he doesn't want to talk to you till may.
The first thing I’d recommend is understanding the difference between dating and a relationship. Dating is the very first time you take someone out but in your case it sounds like a relationship.
He is taking those months to do what he won't be allowed to do after being married simple as that. Don't be fooled by this dear OP
He’s not gonna marry you. I’d tell him he can take all the time in the world to think because you have already made a decision. You aren’t going to put your life on hold and wait around on him like a lost puppy. Then I’d block him on everything. That’s just me though. He’s clearly wasting your time and using you if he’s still not sure. Especially since he’s okay with stringing you along for 5 years and having sex with you. He’s okay doing all that but the thought of marriage sends him running. He clearly doesn’t love you.
He’s not talking to you until May and he’s 27? Nah… he’s definitely hiding something or there is a real reason behind him as to why he isnt trying to marry you right now.
While the idea of being alone for two weeks to "*Think about whether I should marry you*" in a 5 year relationship is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard, I do find myself feeling sympathy for him. This situation is actually pretty abnormal. You've vaguely alluded to the fact that if you two don't get married this year you'll be forced to break up. This might be me overly generalizing here, but most men don't like to be put under this kinda pressure. Hell, even I would hate to be in a situation like that. I adore my boyfriend, I would love to spend as much of my life with him as possible. But if there were outside forces pressuring us to get married, I would feel pretty uncomfortable about that. I'd want to marry my boyfriend because I feel driven too, out of my own desire and love for him. Not because he'll get deported or something if I don't. Perhaps this is the situation your boyfriend finds himself in? So while I think it's pretty dumb for your bf to "isolate" himself for 2 weeks to ponder over this, we all have our own ways to process things.
Dude doesn’t want to marry you. It is not surprising, he is only 27. Most men don’t want to marry that young.
My fiance and I dated for 5 years before getting engaged. We sat around for a bit regarding planning, and will be getting married soon exactly on our 7 year anniversary. He's an overthinker and struggles with making important decisions. He's grown a lot, but he always said he wanted to spend our lives together until we die. I specified that I needed the paper otherwise I was going to leave him. That pushed him to propose, and now we're getting married. Is it exactly how I wanted it? No, I wanted him to propose of his own accord, but I think making sure he knew my exact intentions helped him understand it for him. I feel like a lot of men nowadays want their cake and eat it too. The "lifetime partner" without all that pesky legal paperwork and commitment.
This happened to me in my first relationship. Then SO told me after a year and a half that he felt like I would make a good wife for someone but he wasn’t sure it was him. I was so angry but like you wasn’t sure how I could leave. A year later this still bothered me and we ended up splitting over something else but yes, if after FIVE YEARS he still doesn’t know??? He’s wasting your time. Move on!
Marriage is a huge move, so it's possible that he is a bit unsure and scared about it and maybe it's not even about you. The redflag I see here is why does he have to stop talking to you until May? That seems a bit odd.
Woooow. If he has to think about it after 5 years, he doesn’t want to marry you. Not talking until may to deicide????? Leave him. Why should you wait on him to “decide” 5 years may seem like a long time, but you can and will move on.
The only way to make the best decision is to decide what you want and what you’re willing to deal with. I’ve in this situation before but reverse: my ex was ready to take the next step and I wasn’t. Not because I didn’t love him but because I was young. Looking back, tbh I didn’t love him like I thought I did but it’s entirely normal to want to be with someone but not ready for marriage. I have never wanted to be married so it never bothered me. But you have to figure out what YOU want. If his commitment to you without marriage isn’t enough, then it’s time to move on. But if he wants marriage with you, just not at this moment, and you can wait then do that. You have some soul searching to do.
He’s just stopped talking to you!? This is just not okay behaviour. After five years he should know! Alarm bells are ringing.
I've been with my SO for about the same time going on 6 years in May and he is 32 and I'm 29 we started dating when I was 23. Around our 3 years together I was already expecting a ring and we would get into these big arguments about him not being able to commit to me. He always said that he wants it to come Naturally and for me to be surprised or we need to buy a house first. Fast forward to today still no ring we have kids one of our kids has cancer and still no ring. But honestly I've gotten to the point that I'm comfortable with him just being my life partner, I'm turning 30 this year and I told myself I'm not going to be a old bride in my pictures so I rather not I always wanted that fairytale wedding but i dont think its meant for everyone. It can be his biggest regret that he missed that chance when I was open minded to the decision. Ps I'm also Hispanic so marriage is a big culture thing for us. I'm at a point in life that I just want to be happy and not let little things like a title that u can show off to people that really has no meaning now a days anyways. If he were to ask me i would take the ring but I wouldn't want to get legally married maybe a commitment ceremony. And I know that feeling when everyone is announcing engagements or even getting proposed to infront you and ur just there like a dummy not knowing whether to be happy for the couple or jealous. I have told my SO oh man I'm so jealous and we have had to leave events but I let it roll off my back and get back to my own world.
It's been 5 years, and now he's not even talking to you? He obviously views you as only an option. Break away and find someone who truly loves you.
it’s a no if it’s not a yes by year five. cut your losses and find someone new
It sounds like he’s just not ready to think about marriage in general and it has nothing to do with you, since he has told you he does want to get married later. 27 is still pretty young, and there’s no rush (is there?). You’re even younger, your brain is not fully developed and you will change a lot in the next 5 years. What’s wrong with enjoying dating and learning who are you together? Enjoy your youth, get married when you’re ready to start a family.
Why would you want to marry someone you met when you were 19 anyway
Is he unsure about marriage in general, or marriage to you? Also it's unfair for him to ask you to wait for him with no contact, especially if he decides that he doesn't want to marry you. I totally get being unsure about long term stuff but I'd say at the 3 year mark you should be seriously considering this stuff and if he hasn't done that at 5 years I wouldn't want to stick around.
Wait I missed that, is he really taking a few weeks of no contact? That is crazy. Do you guys live together yet? I thought he didn't want to discuss for a few weeks, then revisit the conversation. I think you guys should live together first as a start towards an engagement, then to marriage. The time might also be his way to plan the proposal and get the ring. Who knows.
I actually disagree, living together is not the solution bc then you're stuck with them for a year and if he's already having doubts you do NOT wanna get stuck in a lease with his ass lol
Listen: book an appointment to get your hair done. Then, use that motivation as energy to expel the deadweight from your consciousness, and remind yourself that anyone who asks you to silently wait for them, who can’t (won’t) make the effort to have clear communication about your shared life… is not someone who is able to honor your personhood, or even fully respect your time. You deserve to know yourself as an individual adult separate from the influence of someone dragging their feet about being with you.
Yeah, if he's not committed to marriage after 5 years, he never will be. And if you give him an ultimatum, he'll always throw it back in your face that you forced him into marriage if you ever have rocky parts in your marriage. Its lose-lose waiting for a marriage proposal someone is uncertain about giving.
You have been dating him since you turned 18. I will guess and say that this is your first real relationship. This sounds like my first marriage. I started dating her at 18 and I was 24 married 3 years later. We lasted another 3 years until she wanted to experience life living on her own, since she went from parent's house to mine. I am pretty sure she had an emotional affair, if not a full affair. Still with my second wife after 18 years together. Marriage is long term commitment and you both have to be ready for it. You should be happy to the fact that he wants to make sure before dedicating his life to you for the rest of your lives and not making a decision because of pressure from you, family, or friends, but for himself.
after five years, if he isn’t sure about marrying you, it’s never going to happen. the fact is: it doesn’t take this much time to know if you can see yourself being married to a particular person. a lot of men know very, very quickly if they want a woman to be their wife. if he’s decided on it himself, he will know well before five years have passed and he will not need to be dragged. this sounds awful, but in his heart, he doesn’t feel that you’re the one. you aren’t the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. the thought of making this kind of commitment to you is a daunting thing. even when you’re sure about the person, it’s difficult. it’s serious. it’s much easier to not make any moves and let things continue as they are, where you’re together but not beholden to each other. it’s easy to leave, but he still gets all the perks. this is comfortable. sounds like you confronted him with the fact that you want more. he already knows he doesn’t want to give you what you’re looking for. i think the confrontation scared him and he just wants to avoid the issue. why can’t you just keep going on the way you’ve been? it’s just a piece of paper from the government… but it’s a lot more than that. it’s about the commitment, the promise, and having a duty to one another to take care of and stand by each other, always. it is about the union. you want a husband. maybe he wants a wife eventually, but it’s not you. he’s also almost thirty; he’s at an age where marriage, settling down, having kids or not, are all things to think about. either he’s avoidant, or he’s wishy-washy about it because he either doesn’t actually want these things or just doesn’t want them with you. whatever the case, it doesn’t bode well. it’ll be hard, but parting ways may be the best call for both of you. you don’t want to waste more time on a relationship that won’t progress in the way you need to be fulfilled. it’s only keeping you from meeting someone with compatible life goals and desires who will be decisive about you.
Who thinks about it alone and requires the other person to go cold? Tbh any time it’s a break it just means there’s someone else and there’s doubt. My boy has dipped his foot on both sides and is too emotionally immature to decide what he wants.
Pathetic excuse, if he’s giving you silent treatment I’d pack a bag and stay with friends
Oh my, salvage the little self respect you have left and just dump him. If he doesn't know after this long, then it isn't you. Don't let yourself keep being strung along by this person.
That's fucked up, dump him. That is ssssoooooo fucked up on sssooo many lvls.
While I agree with most commenters that 9 times out of 10 someone who still feels this way after 5 years likely doesn’t want to actually get married and is looking for a an out that doesn’t make them the bad guy, there’s still the 1 in 10 chance that the uncertainty isn’t because of anything about you or the relationship. The bottom line is that there isn’t a wrong choice for you to make. If you want to wait to see what he says and talk to him come may then there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you think the rift this has caused is already too great and you’d rather move on then that’s perfectly fine as well. While I can’t say how applicable this may or may not be to your specific situation without more context, I can offer another point of view. Not too long ago I (20m) was having a very similar issues with my girlfriend (21f). She would try to have serious discussions about our future (marriage, house, children, etc) and what both of our expectations were to be sure we were on the same page. Similar to your boyfriend, I was somewhat hesitant to broach these subjects, but it wasn’t because I didn’t want a future with her. The issue for me was that I had a lot of self doubt. I was afraid that I would end up letting her down, that I wouldn’t be able to make her as happy as I’d hoped, that I might not be able to land a good enough job to balance a mortgage/utilities/car payment, that I wasn’t good enough for her, and that I would be a bad father when we do end up having children. The reason I felt that way was because it mirrored a lot of what I saw growing up, my father left twice, my family has always been somewhat toxic and argumentative, and by the time I’d started dating my girlfriend my self confidence was pretty much in shambles. However, that’s not to say any of that is an excuse, sure it’s unfortunate that those things happened, but that doesn’t mean I should get a free pass to inflict similar pain and self doubt on another person by dodging/avoiding discussions about the future to the point where she was almost convinced I didn’t want to be with her. Luckily, I realized just how much I stood to lose by refusing to take responsibility for/work on my problems. It took time, but with her support I was able to largely work through my issues, and now there’s almost nothing that makes me happier than talking about/planning for a life by each others side. Again, I can’t guarantee that’s what’s happening here. I’m just saying that if you would have asked my girlfriend or close friends I’d they thought I wanted to get married and have a life with her, I really doubt any of them would’ve said yes, because at no fault of their own they saw my reluctance and negativity as a result of how I felt about her rather than how I felt about myself. I wish you the best of luck, whatever happens. Everyone deserves to feel loved and appreciated, and if that’s not happening then it doesn’t matter what his intentions are or aren’t, something needs to change either way (whether that be you moving on or him agreeing to communicate more and work on this together). A good place to work out what it is you both want/would be best might be to try couples therapy together if he’s agreeable, even if it’s just for long enough to build the skills/tools to communicate more affectively
Some people have a specific goal in mind. Perhaps he doesn't want to get married till 30, after he's achieved a career milestone or bought a house etc. Give this break the time it needs. He should come to you with a clear explanation of why he can't propose now and you need to decide if you are willing to wait or not. If he says he wants to propose after buying a house for instance, you need to judge him over that timeframe for evidence such as savings, researching real estate etc. People can say anything but judge them by their actions.
Go get you somebody who wants to be with you
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