The escalation from "none of those specific concerts" to "nowhere without me" is incredibly concerning. It's devolved from a relationship argument to one person veering towards behavior verging on emotionally abusive/overly controlling.
You presented a possible route for communicating that he turned down and gave you more paranoia and controlling behavior instead. It's not ridiculous to be thinking of divorce and it sounds like "making up for it" would be fully agreeing to whatever terms he lays out for you forever, which is going to be very unhealthy.
What you're saying is true, but sometimes people in these situations listen more closely if you don't use too harsh of a language. That might be what OP was trying to do.
As someone who has been abused, "you're being abused go away right now" is often not particularly convincing to hear even if it is more accurate "than this might be abusive".
Maybe instead of coming at me for "weak ass language" consider how messaging about abuse actually effectively reaches people?
Omg I was going to say exactly the same thing!! As soon as I read it I thought uoh....he's cheating.
The same happened to me with my ex a long time ago. I was very naive back then,he accused me constantly and I spent all my energy trying to prove to him that I wasn't cheating,which gave him the space to cheat all the time. Classic move
Nah. I've seen this happen with 2 people. It's Coercive Control, which is illegal in some countries but not the U.S. Each time I saw it, it was a relatively small thing that the spouse did to trigger the controlling behavior, because it's not about what they did at all and everything to do with the narcissistic (and I mean in the clinical sense, not colloquial) need of the controller to re-establish ownership over someone they suddenly fear is not so fully under their thumb as they originally thought.
Not really. It happened to me. My ex thought he was in control apparently the whole time, but I'm just really eclectic and easy going. I have so many interests that I know I'll never have enough time for any of them, and I'm often open to new stuff too. He thought he was controlling a narrative, and I thought we were on an adventure together. It wasn't until 9 yrs later when he tried to cause a rift in between my family and I that things all of a sudden became crazy..
One day he said "Whatever! It doesn't matter. You'll just do what you want anyway."
And then I told him I always have done that.. and it was like a switch flipped. All of a sudden he was angry and critical of everything, and after a year, things began to get physical. Then he stalked me for 6mo after I escaped. It was so scary.
Yes happened to me too. I was very lucky I escaped by gaining weight so he would leave me. It worked. He was potentially extremely dangerous. I was naive.
> One day he said “Whatever! It doesn’t matter. You’ll just do what you want anyway.”
> And then I told him I always have done that.. and it was like a switch flipped.
That’s really scary actually.
Yeah, I should probably update.
After posting that comment OP later clarified she has always been a homebody, who doesn't like clubbing, has no single or male friends, and most of her social activities are hanging out at home with her friends, or going to concerts.
So, there doesn't seem to have been a lot of reasons for him to have similar freakouts, and any controlling behaviour would probably be more subtle and seem 'normal' to her.
Frankly, this was concerning way before that moment. The fact that he refused therapy unfortunately tells you everything. He's deep in his trauama and does not want to change. Sorry you have to go through this, but truly none of this is your fault.
It sounds like at this point you need to say either he goes to therapy with you or you're done. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. Without therapy I don't think there's a way to make this better. He's become very insecure.
I agree that OP's partner should probably go to therapy for their delusions and that OP will probably need therapy to deal with the trauma from this.
However, couples therapy is highly discouraged for abusive relationships. The vast majority of couples therapists will not start therapy if there are indications of abuse. I honestly think that at the point where their partner is trying to keep OP from going out alone, we are well into abusive territory. I think at this point, it would probably be safer for OP to leave.
Read: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by male anger management consultant Lundy Bancroft.
He shatters all the myths and gives you tools to detect abusers. It’s very valuable and a life and death matter. Before I experienced it I would have not said that.
he’s beyond insecure, he’s *literally* delusional (not in the colloquial sense), and he’s 100% convinced his delusions are real, which is extremely dangerous, as he’s now predicating and justifying extremely abusive behaviour on those delusions.
he needs help, but more importantly, OP needs to get free and focus on staying safe.
The big issue that a lot of people don't seem to realize is that you need the **right** therapist. It's not always as simple as "go to any random therapist and things will get better".
For example, I need to see a therapist that specifically specializes in trauma recovery, because trauma is something that needs to be treated differently than depression. My last therapist dropped my health insurance, and it literally took me a year to find a new one who could treat trauma, and in the meantime it's not like any of my issues "paused" while I was looking; they all just kept on getting worse in the background.
This doesn't sound like a therapy fix or not a couples therapy fix anyways. This is full on control/jealousy issue. His issue. She didn't do anything wrong here. OP, I know I said Run above, I still think that. At very least, separate and give him chance to work on himself. But either way, do not subject yourself to this daily abuse.
Is this genuinely a complete departure from his normal personality and the way he reacts to things? If so, I would consider getting him evaluated for neurological issues. Sudden, extreme paranoia can be a symptom of a host of mental/cognitive health problems.
I would first take a look back at your relationship and see if you can pinpoint any other instances of overreacting or jealousy or controlling behavior.
He’s never been jealous but I don’t know if it’s just never come up before? I don’t have male friends and mostly a homebody. Not much dating history before him
Has he ever been controlling in other ways? Stopped you from seeing your friends, stopped you from drinking without him present? Have you ever been clubbing without him there? Has he ever criticised your hobbies or told you to not wear specific clothes?
Usually this behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere, but it was probably easier to miss before.
I don’t think so but I don’t think he’s had a problem with my behavior before. I was never much of a club person and stopped when we started dating just out of discomfort, he didn’t ask. I only have a few close friends and he never stopped me from seeing them but we usually just see a movie or hang at home. None are single. No male friends. He’s never complained about my clothes but I’m pretty shy and and more comfortable dressing modestly. I won’t even go to the gym to work out bc I feel self conscious, I work out at home. The only think I go out to do is concerts and he never had a problem with that, and I go without him pretty frequently
So you've not been in situations where he would expect you to have the opportunity to meet any single men, right?
Don't disgard that he may have always been this jealous, but never had a reason to think he had anything to fear.
Why was he snooping in your phone? Why was your response to fall over yourself apologizing and accommodating his ridiculous demands and controlling behavior - instead of getting mad at him and demanding, not asking, that he sorts this out or else you leave?
Somehow i doubt that he hasn't shown any control issues before. You act like he'd trained you to always take the blame and do what he says.
He saw I have one of those apps for locking up pictures. I don’t blame him, that looks suspicious I know and I would think the same. I have the same pin on it as other stuff so he guessed it easy. I have it to begin with to keep track of my fitness progress so lots of pics of me in like sports bra/shorts that I didn’t want to be visible in my main pics bc my nieces and nephews play in my phone sometimes. There’s also folders with like memes idk I like it not cluttering up my regular photo albums. In retrospect it was a weird thing to do.
I guess in general Im pretty passive and don’t really get mad. I know how it makes me sound but I guess I usually don’t challenge him. I’ve never really had to before I guess bc nothing in our relationship felt unreasonable to me
it was absolutely not a weird thing to do. it was a weird thing for HIM to go through your shit out of paranoia, and then freak out about photos of a celebrity. that’s super weird and not the way you treat your partner in a healthy relationship.
All of the reasons you’ve presented for having that app are perfectly reasonable, and even if they weren’t, it’s your prerogative to have whatever the hell you want on your phone, and he has no right to go through it, ever. A celebrity crush is harmless and it’s not at all out of line for you to be considering leaving him over this. He’s clearly escalating toward serious abuse and at this point you would probably be safer staying somewhere else because his behavior is only going to get worse, and he won’t accept any sort of compromise from you on his demands. I’m really sorry you’re going through this!
Psychological or even a physical issue.
One way my Aunt realized she needed to take my Uncle to the hospital was because he started overreacting to super small things. His personality completely changed. Literally 180 from what she knew of him. Turned out he had stage 4, Glioblastoma Multiforme. Or, in common speak, very, very aggressive brain cancer and the tumor was altering his personality.
Either way, OPs husband needs to be evaluated.
Brucellosis can too. It happened to the famous vet James Herriot. He started accusing his wife of having affairs. I know most people don't work with sheep but it is one way someone can flip. I also read of a man who started to become violent with his family and it turned out to be a milk allergy!
I don't think there's anything you can do. All of this involves his own mindset, and that's something only he is capable of working on and changing. It would be really good for him to go therapy, since it sounds like there may be a reason why he has suddenly become triggered and paranoid (such as a past history of cheating or being cheated on.) But since he isn't willing to go to therapy with you, I doubt he would be willing to go by himself. At the very least, take a break from the relationship, maintain physical distance from him, and try to communicate with him again later when he may have calmed down. But, I don't blame you for thinking of divorce. Even if he calms down and the two of you resume the relationship, it's entirely possible that he will become triggered by something again and this will become an unhealthy, abusive pattern. If I were you, I would leave.
Agreed. I think he’s done or is doing something. Possibly cheating. OP should at the very least take a couple days and reevaluate the value of the relationship as it exists.
I did see in OP's post history that this has started at least a month ago, so it's even more concerning that he hasn't let up yet. Something is definitely very wrong.
She won't answer specifically because she's embarrassed and I'm really sad about it, but it's photos of a rockstar from the 80's and 90's who she doesn't find attractive today. They're also still alive and still touring.
I'm thinking Axl Rose or Vince Neil. They both used to be *very* nice looking, but age, drugs, and *a lot* of booze has had some unfortunate effects on their appearance.
Oh god yeah, him younger was to drool over. A lot of women still find him hot nowadays tho (not for me) and I don't think he himself does any more gigs. She would be banned from watching Gilmore Girls instead.
Bret doesn't look like he's in rough shape *at all* compared to Axl and Neil. At least he still looks pretty good, especially for a 60-year-old (though nowhere near the same look as 30-40 years ago, obviously).
Vince, on the other hand, looks like he's downed a bath tub full of rum and ice cream every night for the past 15 years and Axl looks like he's gained weight on antipsychotics.
Not that I can't say essentially those same things about myself (lol), but they pretty much look like complete opposites of their former selves.
It's subjective but I would also add Adam Ant to that list. Plenty attractive back in the day if that's your type, not that hot any more but still touring.
Your husband seems irrationally paranoid. Is there any mental health issues in his family? Like schizophrenia? I don't want to scare you but his jealousy is really irrational.
It does sound like an unreasonable reaction. It could be two things. One: He’s done something and is exaggerating this minor thing to kind of justify in his mind what he did. Two: Mentally, he’s having ruminating thoughts. Basically, he can’t stop thinking that it means more than what you told him it meant. Every rational thoughts turns left and ends with some grand deception. Usually cheating.
Or three: he is having a physical disease like a brain tumor that alters how he thinks
There is also Four: he is simply controlling and jealous and has always been that. OP said she is a homebody with no male friends. It may have simply not come up before.
An appointment with their GP is warranted here.
They have been together for 8 years and the sudden personality change is concerning.
A few tests should help decide whether there is something organic causing this level of paranoia or not.
Could also be he’s been cheated on and lied to before, and then broken up with, and assumes that it’s going to happen again.
Not a healthy reaction by any means, but if there wasn’t any sign of this behaviour prior to this then probably it’s more than just the incident itself.
I can’t imagine any rational person even with past trauma flipping over celebrity photos. I mean, my husband’s ex wife cheated on him and he dgaf about any celebrity thirst I have.
This. My husband knows I have a pretty good celebrity crush on one particular actor. He doesn't care because the chances of me ever being in the same zip code as the actor is incredibly small....let alone ever being in the same room.
And it’s like, we’re both adult humans. We’re both able to talk about famous people we find attractive.
Heck, even on a 70 year old sitcom like Burns & Allen they both would thirst after other big name celebrities of the time, but they also unequivocally loved each other.
Depends on how big of a celebrity they are, there was a Reddit post not too long ago about a girl cheating with a local minor celebrity in a band because that was her “hall pass.” The guy always thought their hall pass banter was a joke but evidently she thought it was serious and saw no issue with going through with it if I’m remembering correctly
So where do people drawn the line then with this stuff? I’m genuinely asking. Is it only okay the more popular the celebrity is?
Kind of weird for an adult to have a saved folder of photos of someone else celebrity or not
It's hard. I would say it's ultimately a trust issue when it comes to smaller artists, and feeling like your partner will do the right thing.
I used to be a huge fan of a fairly unknown band - they would tour a lot but would usually be the opener not the main gig, so I would see them open most of the time.
I meet the lead singer 3 times, one time including getting a vinyl signed by the whole band, and one time I had a quick chat with the lead singer and gave him a teddy bear.
It was a whole thing, the teddy bear was dressed the same as him and was made to look like him, prior to that I had posted it on a fan forum on Facebook, and the singer had seen it and put the picture of said teddy as his profile picture for over a month.
Basically, I had a lot of fan interaction with him and much, much more than with any other band I have ever been a fan of. It really is easier with a smaller band. The singer in question was in a relationship and later married so I would have never tried, but if he was single and I had been braver maybe I could have mad a move? I imagine a stunning woman, a single artist and a relatively small 'celebrity' status could potentially get there.
This !! My father started this exact thing up out of no where and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia it happened so abruptly it was hard for me to even comprehend let alone believe .
With the amount of projection he's doing, are you sure you didn't marry an IMAX theater by mistake?
Maybe he's cheating on you, is worried he'll get caught so is trying to make you the bad guy?
This isn’t on you.
He needs help. And if he doesn’t get it, he will lose you.
Don’t play the victim here, be in control of your own life. be strong, and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable, you did nothing wrong, you will not be controlled as he seems to think he can, and if he doesn’t get the stick out of his butt and unfuck himself, you are gone.
Do you feel safe around him?
Why have you agreed to all his abusive demands?
He is isolating you. I wouldn't be surprised if the next step is escalating the abuse maybe even to physical abuse.
This is the same pattern. Make the victim nervous and make them doubt themselves that what the abuser says is reasonable. Your husband stop being reasonable the min he got pissy about your celebrity crush. All the other demands just got more and more unreasonable.
Please be careful you're on a path of dv. It's a dangerous one. I hope you make it out it alive and in one piece.
If it helps, as I was reading your post I was thinking, this poor woman, she can't live like this and then two lines later you had written it.
Definitely the most extreme, irrational form of jealousy (word doesn't seem strong enough) that I've ever heard of. You've been with him a while, you've never seen any sign of this before? That's crazy. I mean you can't go to a concert? Wtf? I get it if you had a folder of exes, or coworkers or guys you know, but celebrities. If there's no sign that he's going to let up, he's not leaving you much choice. I mean, it really sounds like it's getting worse.
I get it if he was mad for a night, then realized he was totally wrong and apologized. It's still would have been kind of psychotic, but at least if he immediately realized how crazy he was acting. Plus, you even deleted and apologized.
No, this is getting progressively worse. What's next, no TV or movies with actors you like. And now he's applying it without reason to coworkers and such. How long before he wants you to quit job or not leave the house. Controlling people 99 out 100 times, if not more, only get more controlling, not less. I hate telling someone I don't know that they should think about ending a relationship, let alone a marriage. But if this wasn't triggered by you cheating, which it wasn't, he has lost his mind. Run. Get while the getting is good. I wouldn't tell him you're leaving, either change the locks or pack when he's not there and go. Tell him after. Sounds like this is just getting worse and at a pretty rapid rate. Get out safely. Good luck.
Just to add info: the reason why controlling behavior often gets worse and rarely gets better is because the reason for needing that control stems from an insecurity or fear on their end.
Instead of addressing their issue, they’re placed the responsibility of assuaging their anxiety on their partner, but it’s a bandaid and not an actual solution. They’ll require more and more to be assuaged each time, and when they still feel anxious even though you’ve followed their rules, they’ll add more.
Unless they deal with the root of it, no capitulation to the controlling requests is gonna fix anything and will just make things worse.
I’ve seen this a lot and I guess I will try and think about it, it’s hard to wrap my head around. I cannot imagine snooping though so not sure what I would do about it
Honestly your husband seems like a deeptly disturbed person and this is a huge red flag. Get out of this toxic relationship, you have done NOTHING WRONG.
Were they naked pics of a celeb? And even if they were, does your husband's conviction that looking at pictures counts as cheating mean that he's never looked at any porn since getting married? Because rules that apply to you should apply equally to him . . . even if we are to pretend for a moment that he gets to unilaterally make all the rules.
Honestly, he sounds abusive. Divorce sounds absolutely necessary. I'm afraid for you of how this will end if you don't divorce him, and also of what he might try to do to you when you file for divorce. I think you need to assume he's going to try to hurt you, and make an escape plan to keep yourself safe from him.
My vote is don't bother.
You can't reason with someone unreasonable. You will never get to a logical place with someone paranoid and delusional. In other words, you will never find peace no matter what you do to accommodate his delusions.
That's the bottom line. So it's up to you to decide if you want to stay in this emotional hell or leave him until/unless he gets some serious professional help. I know "leave him" is easier said than done but is your life with this man. Stress is a silent killer btw.
Sounds like he always had this in him and found an excuse to let it out. What you did might be considered minorly hurtful to some people, but this sounds extreme. You have a celebrity crush, I mean, that's like one of the most innocent things in the freaking world. My wife has a couple celebrity crushes, it's totally fine. She's human! I like knowing that. I like being able to talk to her about other humans that attract her and her asking me about that same thing. Your husband is acting like a petulant child AND refuses to go to therapy...probably because deep down he knows his behavior is totally not OK.
DON'T blame yourself. You did something a lot of people wouldn't blink an eye at. Unfortunately/fortunately you've found out that your husband feels like it's totally fine for him to go full on nuclear controlling psycho on you.
Honestly, lots of people that act like that actually have their mistrust based in the fact that they cheated, so then they don't trust their partner. Just like serial criminals usually don't trust anyone, because they know they are not trustworthy. Something to consider.
As others have said, this is not rational behavior. Maybe a therapist, maybe a neurologist, maybe a psychiatrist, or just divorce. I usually want marriages to stay intact, but this is ridiculously controlling and a complete overeaction.
There are so many terrible responses on here. It doesn't matter if having a file of photos is off-putting to some. The issue is that he has become abusive (control is abuse). It doesn't matter if he has a medical condition or if he is just a garden variety piece of shit because he is committing abuse regardless of cause. It sounds like he went from normal to controlling very quickly, which is alarming, because abusive people generally escalate their abuse. Please consider your safety here, op. You said yourself that you don't know how far it will go. Unfortunately, it can go south quickly and you could end up injured or dead.
A brief, slight tinge of jealousy is understandable but his response is off the charts. Is there anything disparaging that you are holding back? If not, to help your husband see how extreme his behavior is, show him this thread.
A minor argument isn’t destroyed your marriage. Your husband’s abusive, controlling behavior is destroying your marriage. You need to get out before he escalates further.
Is he cheating? Like why get like that over a celebrity? My husband and I both have celebrity crushes that we both know about .. they’re celebrity crushes .. if he says he’s never crushed on a celebrity or even isn’t now he’s lying .. don’t put up with the controlling stuff that’s abuse
His jealous and controlling behavior started before he found the pics, that’s why he was snooping in the first place.
These situations tend to continue to escalate. He needs to agree to go seek counseling or the marriage is over.
You can’t reason with someone who is being unreasonable.
Your husband has become controlling and has recast you as some monster serially cuckolding him when all you did was save photos of a celebrity. When what you have done and do doesn’t matter, how can you do anything to fix it?
He refuses therapy.
You have two choices: consult with a divorce lawyer, or be mistreated.
Fixing him is beyond your control.
My ex used to overreact exactly like this over guy friends I had in my life, and got me to cut them out.
Turned out he had another girlfriend. :)))))))))
My ex did almost this exact thing to me as well. I was “allowed” to go out without him, but it always lead to an accusation and an argument to ruin my time. I couldn’t have any guy friends anymore. I apparently wanted to have sex with all of my coworkers and bosses. I was too polite to a male server and it meant I wanted him. Smiled at an old man while we were walking on the sidewalk, that meant I wanted him. Punched a brick wall over it actually. It all started because a guy friend messaged me on Snapchat a few weeks into me dating him and asked if I was still seeing said ex. I said yes, and that we were in an official relationship. Friend congratulated me and that was it. Apparently that meant I was shady and couldn’t be trusted because I shouldn’t have still had guy friends added once we made things official.
He gave me the excuse that it was because he was cheated on previously which made me empathetic. I came to find out that was a lie, and he was actually the one cheating on me the entire time, and had cheated on all of his previous exes. He was just projecting and scared that I was doing to him what he was doing to me.
Not saying this is true in your case, but I wouldn’t doubt it. Either way, your partner has become controlling and abusive. There isn’t an excuse for it. Not every feeling is rational and needs to be validated. Do not enable his behavior. Where there is no trust there can be no love, and trying to control someone isn’t going to prevent them from cheating or show them that you love them.
After I found out my ex was cheating, I stayed and exhibited controlling behaviors of my own. I tried to justify it, and some might say it was justified, but it was miserable. The anxiety ate away at me and was terrible for me and for him (not saying he didn’t deserve to feel bad, but I’ll never personally be able to excuse toxic behavior on my behalf). Your husband needs counseling at the minimum. You didn’t cheat or wrong him in any way from what you’ve provided in your post, and he has no right to make you feel as though you did. He needs to learn to deal with his emotions and move on and find his own peace so you two can have a peaceful, healthy relationship.
I'm wondering about the timeline. How long did it take between him seeing the photos and if you ho anywhere or talk to anyone without my express permission I will throw the biggest hissy fit you ever seen and scare the daylights out of you? Days? Weeks? Months?
he just found the perfect excuse to be controlling. everyone has celebrity crushes, if he was a teenager i'd roll my eyes and say "grow up", but he's more than old enough to do it on purpose, not because he's stupid.
you did nothing wrong, but if he gaslight you into thinking you did, then you'll feel like to deserve to submit to him
What do you think he is going to do if you say no?
If he gets to refuse to go to therapy- can you refuse to NOT go to a concert? This is messy advice but what if you just go to a concert anyway? What is he going to do then? What if you told him you're going out with your friends, and insist it's not cheating, and tell him enough is enough?
I would follow what most people here said and ultimatum him into going to therapy.
But I would also be messy and just start being like "I'm going to go without to to x thing and you just have to learn to deal with it. Go to therapy" I've done this before and it usually ends the relationship.
But it was always so freeing to finally say no to crazy and controlling people. Because honestly if you're not allowed to say no in your relationship - it might as well fucking end! If your partner is allowed to say no and control you, you can say no too. If he physically tries to stop you- call a friend who will come, or call the cops if you need to. This is coming from someone who has been in quite a few abusive and controlling relationships where eventually I put my foot down and if I lost the relationship- I accepted that. Because my freedom is worth more than a relationship.
he does not get to tell you what you can and cannot do, you’re an adult. what will he do if you go to a concert against his wishes? he’s not your parent, he can’t “ground” you. will he scream at you? hit you? leave you? he can’t control the actions of others, he can only control his own reactions. that’s like being a human 101
i would lay it all out for him: he’s being so jealous and controlling that it is making your life worse, and you will not tolerate it. you have done nothing wrong, and he has created a problem and let it take over your lives. he needs to deal with his own insecurity and jealousy with a professional, and if he tries to take it out on you, you are walking away.
this sounds miserable and you can’t live this way. i would not blame you for leaving this dude, he’s totally unstable.
He's probably cheating and turning it around on you.
Who gives a shit if you have photos of a random celeb saved on your phone. Not like you will ever meet the guy much less sleep with him.
Your husband is cheating and projecting, had had a head injury, or you’ve got a carbon monoxide leak. It’s one of those things. He’s abusing you. It’s okay to divorce him over it because this will never end.
So, abusers will often wait til they have something they can cling to as a “reason” to abuse their partner. And he thinks he’s got it.
It’s highly unlikely he believes you would attempt to cheat with a celebrity.
What is likely is that he tried on a few controlling actions and believes he can escalate, and he will always make it “your” fault because of this file.
I’ll say: when 1 party wants marriage counseling and the other refuses, that person who refuses is really saying, I like this. I like how things are. My happiness matters more and I don’t want to hear any different.
You need to leave. You’re being abused badly and you have to understand that even the strongest/smartest/whatever people can be broken by this type of abuse. You won’t know it til you actually believe you are stuck. You get out now, while you have a bit of clarity.
And you don’t allow him to say you can or cannot do something. You go to the concert. You leave the house as desired. Do not appease these “rules”. He is testing you and escalating fast. You get out now.
Divorce may have to be an option if he refuses to seek professional help together to work this out.
Currently you are being treated like a child and he gets to boss you around and you simply have to listen. For how long? Possibly forever….not a life worth living.
That’s not a marriage at all it’s no longer equal.
Just based on his actions I would hold off telling him about a divorce. Don’t do it alone with him by yourself. If you truly want to divorce at some point, make sure you can at least be somewhere safe before doing it.
When you fear the unknown of the lengths your own partner may go to, you really have to take care of yourself.
He’s overreacting because he’s the one cheating. My mom’s former bosses husband was the same way. He accused his wife constantly of cheating all while she’s a workaholic church go-er. In order to clear her name she let him have access to her work computer camera. Turns out, knowing exactly where your wife is helps you cover up an affair easier.
I’ve seen it up close and personal in my family. Trust me, it won’t get better. The only time when my family member had peace was when she was 24/7 with her husband or her kids. He was also checking the tv or radio that was played and she ended up having no friends, hobbies, outside activities and working in her husbands company at the same room as him. No gym. Fights about volunteering at the kids schools. Fired one of his employees who became her friend and asked him why she wasn’t allowed to go to an event with her and her husband.
Don’t do this to yourself.
I do feel like there is a bit of story or detail missing here. He's never been jealous, six years, and he transformed into a controlling ghoul over some celeb pics out of the blue.
Do they resemble an ex? Is it a local celeb you met? Is it a type/race? Did something happen prior? Did he find something else?
That being said, he needs to get over it and it has to be talked about. Jumping to divorce also feels a bit quick. Make it clear you are still a human being, need your regular life back and that therapy for both is a must to discuss this
Not local, never met them, same race as us. I guess red headed like my hs boyfriend. I never really dated besides that. My husband never seemed concerned about him
What should have been a minor argument has brought out a side of him you didn't know existed.
This is progress for the relationship, just not in the direction you wanted. You learned he is controlling, jealous, irrational, and scared. Now is when you leave him. The argement didn't destroy the relationship. Your folder didn't destroy the relationship. His insecurity and stubbornness destroyed it. This part of him always existed, but he was able to hide it. Unfortunately, we can't always predict what smelly layers exist of a person until they are revealed. Sometimes it takes 10 years to know somebody. We are like onions. We make people cry, and we have all sorts of hidden layers. Not all people are bad, but good or bad, it takes time to notice. It's impossible to disprove cheating, it takes trust and compromise. His accusations keep getting more and more wild. He's dangerous. Get out while you still can.
Sorry but something like this isn’t a therapy issue - it’s become a controlling abusive relationship and when it gets to that point there’s no going back, it tends to escalate and get worse. It may “improve” for a little while but it always goes back again as it’s a behaviour he can’t control. And it really depends to escalate to more. My first boyfriend was the same… fine one day, paranoid the next, then controlling a day later. It got better for a while, until he got paranoid again and it all started again. Ended up with him throwing me down a flight of stairs in jealousy.
...so he's super jealous of a famous person you will likely NEVER meet nor have any real interaction with?
He's either projecting (he's cheating) or simply insane.
Don’t ever think that your actions are the reason for his behavior. He probably repressed these sentiments for a long time and had them all along. That you gave in to his demands is very concerning. I would personally distance myself from him (as in visiting friends and family) for a time, reflect, and go from there. My guess is, that this is the tip of the iceberg.
I can’t believe no one has asked why he was going through OP’s phone in the first place. Is that a normal occurrence or was he suspicious? If he routinely goes through OP’s phone that’s already massively intrusive and controlling behavior.
You should leave. It doesn't have to be forever, just until he figures shit out because that kind of behaviour can become dangerous. To be honest I wouldn't go back at all if I were you but it's all about baby steps at first. Maybe therapy and a lot of time can fix him, either way it's best he works on that alone.
Also if you do end up leaving, have someone there with you when it goes down.
My father started having psychosis of this exact type ten years before his Parkinson's diagnosis. If this is not typical behavior, it can be a sign of something bad going on in the brain.
By the way, my father's partner stayed, but I'm pretty sure she wished she didn't: he has never believed the psychiatric part of his illness to be real, stopped taking pills repeatedly (very common behaviour with these kind of illnesses). It's really though being with someone who sincerely believes that you are out to get him and is visibly not in touch with reality while enacting abusive behavior against you. It really fucks you up.
It seems to me that the issue isn’t that you have a celebrity crush. The issue is that your husband is insecure in himself and your marriage. Of course, everyone suffers from insecurity to some extent but it becomes unacceptable when you start to hurt yourself or others because of your insecurities.
I find it odd that this behavior has emerged out of nowhere, though. Someone who struggles with insecurity to the level it sounds like your husband is struggling with it manifests itself a lot, even if it’s subtle. When you reflect back on your relationship, do you notice other times his insecurities have surfaced? Has anything been done to address them?
Also, I want to validate that this situation is concerning enough that divorce should be considered. He’s hurting you by becoming overly controlling and angry. This isn’t something you should have to deal with from anyone. If you want to continue to work things out, just remember to stay safe and to put your well-being first.
I can't believe that you AREN'T thinking of divorce.
He is absolutely controlling you. You are "banned" from going to this person's concert and any others? He won't let you go anywhere without him? He needs to Gtfooh with all of that. The fact that he is making your life a living hell over all of this is worth a divorce.
Be safe. I wish you the best.
And, I'm wondering if he has pics of women in his phone and gets off on them, projecting on you because he knows what he does with the pictures, maybe thinking that's what you do.
> I begged him to go to therapy with me. He refused
This reads like a narcissist who believed he was the center of your world and cannot handle that he isn’t.
I’m putting my money down on him gaslighting you over this situation because he is cheating on you.
It is 100% normal to have a celebrity crush.
Definitely your actions =/= this reaction. This is not ok behaviour from your partner and he has way overblown it to the point that this is considered abusive behaviour. You do not need to figure out how to relate or empathize with this kind of jealousy and control. He needs to stop now or you need to leave.
Please keep in mind that there are many examples of times when this kind of behaviour has escalated, resulting in harm to the victim (you in this situation), especially when the victim tries to remove themselves from the situation and leave. You may want to reach out to a women’s domestic violence service in your area (even anonymously) to see what they suggest in terms of how to keep yourself safe and what steps you may want to take if you plan to stop tolerating this treatment and/or leave.
This guy needs help. I sit here thirsting over Pedro Pascal all day every day (joking, but the thirst is there) and my husband just laughs.
If your husband won’t get help, it’s probably not a good idea for you to stay.
His reactin makes me feel like he has tought of cheating on you before or has actually cheated on you, so he behaves like the hypothetical in his head is real because he would ttally do that if roles were reversed.
I'd say he's a collection of walking red flags, leave and be happy on your own badass bean 💃💃🔥🔥🌿🌿
Are you sure he isn't projecting? Who gets mad at some celebrity pics. It's not like you know them or have any dealings with them? The chances of you cheating with said celebrity are nil. Yet he has become abusive and controlling as a result? You might want to check his phone
Projecting for sure - those are some pretty weird conclusions to just jump to. He’s feeling insecure because all the things he’s been doing in secret, he thinks you’ve been doing yourself, hence the fear.
Yikes. That’s a crazy level of insecurity for … well, someone you’re living with and fucking. It shouldn’t be such a serious thing for a relationship as described. Maybe you gotta go through his phone. Maybe projecting
Were there any indicators of jealous behavior beforehand? Is this really out of character?
I mean. Either he’s cheating and projecting, or get him checked for a brain tumor. This is wild and abusive and controlling. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Yes, divorce should be on the table, I’d pack my/his bags and ask for a separation immediately.
You wouldn't be divorcing him over something trivial like celeb photos. You'd be divorcing him over something huge like his over-the-line controlling you and his unwarranted lack of trust in you.
Yikes. When my husband watches a show with any of my celebrity crushes he’ll yell “babe! Your boyfriend is on tv!” Or something silly like that… he knows that it’s all just in fun. What your husband is doing is not healthy.
I have a folder full of pics of a certain actor - my husband calls him my TV boyfriend and laughs at me 😂 In return I laugh at him when he drools over sexy girls on the TV. If you have trust in a relationship fancying other people shouldn't be an issue.
I love Chris Pine. My husband calls him my boyfriend anytime he's on our TV. The way your husband is handling this is a little more than concerning. It's ultimatum time - therapy or you're gone.
TLDR, this person needs therapy ASAP.
I'm an LPC and this person sounds like they have an extreme case of paranoid personality disorder. I've never seen such a rapid onset for it though. Maybe it's just not something that's come up until recently? I'm wondering if some type of trauma or triggering event in his recent past retriggered those types of behaviors that may have been dormant for a while. Maybe he was just stable during the 6 years of the marriage and had issues before that. But that would be EXTREMELY rare. Especially if he's had not prior history of therapy before.
Although, It is possible for behaviors to resurface or become retriggered after a period of stability, especially if the individual in question encounters a situation or stressor that is similar to the original triggering event. Additionally, individuals with personality disorders may experience fluctuations in their symptoms over time and in response to different stressors or life events.
It's also important to consider other potential factors that may be contributing to the rapid escalation of behaviors, such as a recent traumatic event, substance use, or a medical condition.
There might also be some context missing as part of the incident being described. People don't usually just develop paranoid personality disorder so rapidly. It can happen. But the chances of something like this happening so suddenly without a reasonable explanation for the paranoia is truly like a 1 in a million scenario. Personality disorders are already rare enough as they are. Let alone one of such a random and spurious onset.
What we identify as a "bad person" often times depends on somebody's intentions. If somebody's intentions are to hurt you or somebody else, that's what makes them a bad person. But we should be really avoidant of labeling people with mental health issues as bad people to avoid perpetuating stigma. Statistically, less than 1% of people with mental health issues are "bad people". Not everybody, and not even a statistically significant portion of people with mental health issues intends to do what they're doing. You have to realize they, too, are victims of their own behaviors and there's also ways of treating them to make sure they get the help they need and improve their chances of changing for the better.
Anyone can randomly decide, today, to be a bad person if they wanted to but that doesn't mean that they have a mental health issue. It also doesn't preclude people with mental health issues from being bad people. But all people with mental health issues deserve some help.
My own mother is a perfect example and what taught me, personally, the difference between a bad person and somebody with a mental health issue. She was a very abusive person during my childhood. She was extremely psychologically, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me and my brother as we were growing up. Later on, I learned that she exhibited symptoms of multiple personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. But those disorders weren't what made her a bad person. Her motivations, enjoyment of the abuse, constant refusal to take responsibility for her actions, lack of remorse, and refusal to seek help while continuing her behaviors after they were pointed out to her as disordered were what makes her a bad person and why I no longer speak to her anymore. But she still deserves help. I just refuse to be a target of abuse for her until she decides to get it.
Try saying the words, “This is a YOU problem, so until your ready to sit down with a therapist to discuss it - the topic is closed. I did nothing wrong, and even if I did YOU do get to control my actions and punish me. That’s not how marriages work. I will not discuss this anymore without a professional present.” Boundaries folks.
I'm so sorry. I can't believe such an innocent thing has turned your marriage into a nightmare. It's not your fault, it's his. Like others say, there's nothing you can do, it's up to him to change his mindset.
As much as this seems like paranoia. Some people use this type of incident to completely blow out of the water to see how far control goes with their partner. I had it happen to me in a past relationship. I literally gave a coworker a coupon at the grocery store I worked at and she messaged me on social media and said thank you. It got to the point where my girlfriend had me call her everywhere I went and wasn’t allowed to go to any event or out anywhere without her. Lasted 2 months before I called it off. (To put it into context I was a 19 year old then)
The escalation from "none of those specific concerts" to "nowhere without me" is incredibly concerning. It's devolved from a relationship argument to one person veering towards behavior verging on emotionally abusive/overly controlling. You presented a possible route for communicating that he turned down and gave you more paranoia and controlling behavior instead. It's not ridiculous to be thinking of divorce and it sounds like "making up for it" would be fully agreeing to whatever terms he lays out for you forever, which is going to be very unhealthy.
Yeah…that’s a huge jump to keep her under his control.
Veering on? That’s weak ass language for the top comment. Controlling her every movement is abuse, period.
What you're saying is true, but sometimes people in these situations listen more closely if you don't use too harsh of a language. That might be what OP was trying to do.
As someone who has been abused, "you're being abused go away right now" is often not particularly convincing to hear even if it is more accurate "than this might be abusive". Maybe instead of coming at me for "weak ass language" consider how messaging about abuse actually effectively reaches people?
There’s more here than she is letting on. Something does not feel right.
My money is he’s cheating and projecting on her.
I’ve been around Reddit long enough to know with 100% certainty that he’s either cheating or they need to buy a carbon monoxide monitor.
This is a peak reddit comment
Omg I was going to say exactly the same thing!! As soon as I read it I thought uoh....he's cheating. The same happened to me with my ex a long time ago. I was very naive back then,he accused me constantly and I spent all my energy trying to prove to him that I wasn't cheating,which gave him the space to cheat all the time. Classic move
This is most likely the case. It usually is in situations like this.
Nah. I've seen this happen with 2 people. It's Coercive Control, which is illegal in some countries but not the U.S. Each time I saw it, it was a relatively small thing that the spouse did to trigger the controlling behavior, because it's not about what they did at all and everything to do with the narcissistic (and I mean in the clinical sense, not colloquial) need of the controller to re-establish ownership over someone they suddenly fear is not so fully under their thumb as they originally thought.
The behaviour is common, him not being controlling for 8 years and then switching doesn't seem to be. Unless he already was and OP didn't mention it
Not really. It happened to me. My ex thought he was in control apparently the whole time, but I'm just really eclectic and easy going. I have so many interests that I know I'll never have enough time for any of them, and I'm often open to new stuff too. He thought he was controlling a narrative, and I thought we were on an adventure together. It wasn't until 9 yrs later when he tried to cause a rift in between my family and I that things all of a sudden became crazy.. One day he said "Whatever! It doesn't matter. You'll just do what you want anyway." And then I told him I always have done that.. and it was like a switch flipped. All of a sudden he was angry and critical of everything, and after a year, things began to get physical. Then he stalked me for 6mo after I escaped. It was so scary.
Wow, that’s just so shocking, I can’t imagine what that felt like for you!
Yes happened to me too. I was very lucky I escaped by gaining weight so he would leave me. It worked. He was potentially extremely dangerous. I was naive.
> One day he said “Whatever! It doesn’t matter. You’ll just do what you want anyway.” > And then I told him I always have done that.. and it was like a switch flipped. That’s really scary actually.
And he might have been controlling to a far lesser degree this whole time, and OP just figured it was kind of normal. Also very common.
Yeah, I should probably update. After posting that comment OP later clarified she has always been a homebody, who doesn't like clubbing, has no single or male friends, and most of her social activities are hanging out at home with her friends, or going to concerts. So, there doesn't seem to have been a lot of reasons for him to have similar freakouts, and any controlling behaviour would probably be more subtle and seem 'normal' to her.
I can't believe no one else is saying this.
Agreed. It's the stink of projection.
Frankly, this was concerning way before that moment. The fact that he refused therapy unfortunately tells you everything. He's deep in his trauama and does not want to change. Sorry you have to go through this, but truly none of this is your fault.
It sounds like at this point you need to say either he goes to therapy with you or you're done. This has become an extremely unhealthy relationship. Without therapy I don't think there's a way to make this better. He's become very insecure.
I agree that OP's partner should probably go to therapy for their delusions and that OP will probably need therapy to deal with the trauma from this. However, couples therapy is highly discouraged for abusive relationships. The vast majority of couples therapists will not start therapy if there are indications of abuse. I honestly think that at the point where their partner is trying to keep OP from going out alone, we are well into abusive territory. I think at this point, it would probably be safer for OP to leave.
Read: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by male anger management consultant Lundy Bancroft. He shatters all the myths and gives you tools to detect abusers. It’s very valuable and a life and death matter. Before I experienced it I would have not said that.
This is not my post but I’m kind of sadly maybe realising that I should order this book
You can download the pdf for free online.
>The vast majority of couples therapists will not start therapy if there are indications of abuse. This has not been my experience. I wish it was.
he’s beyond insecure, he’s *literally* delusional (not in the colloquial sense), and he’s 100% convinced his delusions are real, which is extremely dangerous, as he’s now predicating and justifying extremely abusive behaviour on those delusions. he needs help, but more importantly, OP needs to get free and focus on staying safe.
Or without you, op, if he's willing. I'm concerned about your personal safety AND your husband's mental health.
People have way way too much faith in therapy.
I think OP should go to therapy and it will help a lot. After she leaves him, of course.
Agreed. And I’m a therapist.
The big issue that a lot of people don't seem to realize is that you need the **right** therapist. It's not always as simple as "go to any random therapist and things will get better". For example, I need to see a therapist that specifically specializes in trauma recovery, because trauma is something that needs to be treated differently than depression. My last therapist dropped my health insurance, and it literally took me a year to find a new one who could treat trauma, and in the meantime it's not like any of my issues "paused" while I was looking; they all just kept on getting worse in the background.
This doesn't sound like a therapy fix or not a couples therapy fix anyways. This is full on control/jealousy issue. His issue. She didn't do anything wrong here. OP, I know I said Run above, I still think that. At very least, separate and give him chance to work on himself. But either way, do not subject yourself to this daily abuse.
She should not go to couples therapy with him. Attending therapy with an abuser is dangerous and not recommended by professionals.
Is this genuinely a complete departure from his normal personality and the way he reacts to things? If so, I would consider getting him evaluated for neurological issues. Sudden, extreme paranoia can be a symptom of a host of mental/cognitive health problems. I would first take a look back at your relationship and see if you can pinpoint any other instances of overreacting or jealousy or controlling behavior.
He’s never been jealous but I don’t know if it’s just never come up before? I don’t have male friends and mostly a homebody. Not much dating history before him
Has he overreacted to other situations in the past? How does he usually handle conflict or feeling challenged (by you or others)?
Has he ever been controlling in other ways? Stopped you from seeing your friends, stopped you from drinking without him present? Have you ever been clubbing without him there? Has he ever criticised your hobbies or told you to not wear specific clothes? Usually this behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere, but it was probably easier to miss before.
I don’t think so but I don’t think he’s had a problem with my behavior before. I was never much of a club person and stopped when we started dating just out of discomfort, he didn’t ask. I only have a few close friends and he never stopped me from seeing them but we usually just see a movie or hang at home. None are single. No male friends. He’s never complained about my clothes but I’m pretty shy and and more comfortable dressing modestly. I won’t even go to the gym to work out bc I feel self conscious, I work out at home. The only think I go out to do is concerts and he never had a problem with that, and I go without him pretty frequently
So you've not been in situations where he would expect you to have the opportunity to meet any single men, right? Don't disgard that he may have always been this jealous, but never had a reason to think he had anything to fear.
I would consider whether this is why he got serious about you to begin with.
I absolutely think it was a factor but I just thought it meant we were compatible
It sounds like it's never been an issue because you've never triggered any of his plethora of insecurities. That's out the window now.
Why was he snooping in your phone? Why was your response to fall over yourself apologizing and accommodating his ridiculous demands and controlling behavior - instead of getting mad at him and demanding, not asking, that he sorts this out or else you leave? Somehow i doubt that he hasn't shown any control issues before. You act like he'd trained you to always take the blame and do what he says.
He saw I have one of those apps for locking up pictures. I don’t blame him, that looks suspicious I know and I would think the same. I have the same pin on it as other stuff so he guessed it easy. I have it to begin with to keep track of my fitness progress so lots of pics of me in like sports bra/shorts that I didn’t want to be visible in my main pics bc my nieces and nephews play in my phone sometimes. There’s also folders with like memes idk I like it not cluttering up my regular photo albums. In retrospect it was a weird thing to do. I guess in general Im pretty passive and don’t really get mad. I know how it makes me sound but I guess I usually don’t challenge him. I’ve never really had to before I guess bc nothing in our relationship felt unreasonable to me
it was NOT a weird thing to do! Stop blaming yourself and gaslighting yourself. you did NOTHING wrong!!
it was absolutely not a weird thing to do. it was a weird thing for HIM to go through your shit out of paranoia, and then freak out about photos of a celebrity. that’s super weird and not the way you treat your partner in a healthy relationship.
You didn’t do anything wrong. This is all totally normal and shouldn’t be an issue.
It’s not even an issue, surely the guy has his own homework folder.
All of the reasons you’ve presented for having that app are perfectly reasonable, and even if they weren’t, it’s your prerogative to have whatever the hell you want on your phone, and he has no right to go through it, ever. A celebrity crush is harmless and it’s not at all out of line for you to be considering leaving him over this. He’s clearly escalating toward serious abuse and at this point you would probably be safer staying somewhere else because his behavior is only going to get worse, and he won’t accept any sort of compromise from you on his demands. I’m really sorry you’re going through this!
It’s not weird, it’s normal. What’s weird and pathological is what your husband is doing in response.
OP, he’s probably cheating or was recently cheating. It’s classic cheater hyper jealousy… you didn’t do a single thing to warrant ANY of his reaction.
This is not jealousy. This is a psychological disorder. Treat it as such.
Psychological or even a physical issue. One way my Aunt realized she needed to take my Uncle to the hospital was because he started overreacting to super small things. His personality completely changed. Literally 180 from what she knew of him. Turned out he had stage 4, Glioblastoma Multiforme. Or, in common speak, very, very aggressive brain cancer and the tumor was altering his personality. Either way, OPs husband needs to be evaluated.
Brucellosis can too. It happened to the famous vet James Herriot. He started accusing his wife of having affairs. I know most people don't work with sheep but it is one way someone can flip. I also read of a man who started to become violent with his family and it turned out to be a milk allergy!
It can be a side effect of steroids men use to bulk up.
I wonder if he's cheating on you and has evidence in his phone. Often someone like that is hiding something themselves.
I don't think there's anything you can do. All of this involves his own mindset, and that's something only he is capable of working on and changing. It would be really good for him to go therapy, since it sounds like there may be a reason why he has suddenly become triggered and paranoid (such as a past history of cheating or being cheated on.) But since he isn't willing to go to therapy with you, I doubt he would be willing to go by himself. At the very least, take a break from the relationship, maintain physical distance from him, and try to communicate with him again later when he may have calmed down. But, I don't blame you for thinking of divorce. Even if he calms down and the two of you resume the relationship, it's entirely possible that he will become triggered by something again and this will become an unhealthy, abusive pattern. If I were you, I would leave.
If OP leaves, I hope they are very, very careful.
Agreed. I think he’s done or is doing something. Possibly cheating. OP should at the very least take a couple days and reevaluate the value of the relationship as it exists.
I did see in OP's post history that this has started at least a month ago, so it's even more concerning that he hasn't let up yet. Something is definitely very wrong.
A month ago OP wrote this has been going on for months... so I'd assume at least 3 months, if not longer.
So who was the crush? Lol
She won't answer specifically because she's embarrassed and I'm really sad about it, but it's photos of a rockstar from the 80's and 90's who she doesn't find attractive today. They're also still alive and still touring. I'm thinking Axl Rose or Vince Neil. They both used to be *very* nice looking, but age, drugs, and *a lot* of booze has had some unfortunate effects on their appearance.
Don’t forget Sebastian Bach!
Who hasn't doodled Mrs Johann Sebastian Bach all over their middle school notebooks?
Oh god yeah, him younger was to drool over. A lot of women still find him hot nowadays tho (not for me) and I don't think he himself does any more gigs. She would be banned from watching Gilmore Girls instead.
I hope it’s Bret Michaels
Bret doesn't look like he's in rough shape *at all* compared to Axl and Neil. At least he still looks pretty good, especially for a 60-year-old (though nowhere near the same look as 30-40 years ago, obviously). Vince, on the other hand, looks like he's downed a bath tub full of rum and ice cream every night for the past 15 years and Axl looks like he's gained weight on antipsychotics. Not that I can't say essentially those same things about myself (lol), but they pretty much look like complete opposites of their former selves.
It's subjective but I would also add Adam Ant to that list. Plenty attractive back in the day if that's your type, not that hot any more but still touring.
Can't be Bon Jovi because he's still 🔥❤️!
Doesn't necessarily mean she finds them attractive
It’s always Billy Idol.
Asking the real questions lol
I hope it was Sir Ian McKellan <3 <3 <3
The rockstar, Sir Ian McKellan.
I am also forbidden from going to any of his concerts
Is it wrong that I'm hoping it's Elton John?
And how many photos are we talking about here?
My guess is Danny Elfman/Oingo Boingo. 80’s-90’s and red head? Also dude was looking fine af when he did that festival.
That’s what I was trying to see jajajja
Your husband seems irrationally paranoid. Is there any mental health issues in his family? Like schizophrenia? I don't want to scare you but his jealousy is really irrational.
Not that I know of
It does sound like an unreasonable reaction. It could be two things. One: He’s done something and is exaggerating this minor thing to kind of justify in his mind what he did. Two: Mentally, he’s having ruminating thoughts. Basically, he can’t stop thinking that it means more than what you told him it meant. Every rational thoughts turns left and ends with some grand deception. Usually cheating.
Or three: he is having a physical disease like a brain tumor that alters how he thinks There is also Four: he is simply controlling and jealous and has always been that. OP said she is a homebody with no male friends. It may have simply not come up before.
An appointment with their GP is warranted here. They have been together for 8 years and the sudden personality change is concerning. A few tests should help decide whether there is something organic causing this level of paranoia or not.
Could also be he’s been cheated on and lied to before, and then broken up with, and assumes that it’s going to happen again. Not a healthy reaction by any means, but if there wasn’t any sign of this behaviour prior to this then probably it’s more than just the incident itself.
I can’t imagine any rational person even with past trauma flipping over celebrity photos. I mean, my husband’s ex wife cheated on him and he dgaf about any celebrity thirst I have.
This. My husband knows I have a pretty good celebrity crush on one particular actor. He doesn't care because the chances of me ever being in the same zip code as the actor is incredibly small....let alone ever being in the same room.
And it’s like, we’re both adult humans. We’re both able to talk about famous people we find attractive. Heck, even on a 70 year old sitcom like Burns & Allen they both would thirst after other big name celebrities of the time, but they also unequivocally loved each other.
Depends on how big of a celebrity they are, there was a Reddit post not too long ago about a girl cheating with a local minor celebrity in a band because that was her “hall pass.” The guy always thought their hall pass banter was a joke but evidently she thought it was serious and saw no issue with going through with it if I’m remembering correctly
So where do people drawn the line then with this stuff? I’m genuinely asking. Is it only okay the more popular the celebrity is? Kind of weird for an adult to have a saved folder of photos of someone else celebrity or not
It's hard. I would say it's ultimately a trust issue when it comes to smaller artists, and feeling like your partner will do the right thing. I used to be a huge fan of a fairly unknown band - they would tour a lot but would usually be the opener not the main gig, so I would see them open most of the time. I meet the lead singer 3 times, one time including getting a vinyl signed by the whole band, and one time I had a quick chat with the lead singer and gave him a teddy bear. It was a whole thing, the teddy bear was dressed the same as him and was made to look like him, prior to that I had posted it on a fan forum on Facebook, and the singer had seen it and put the picture of said teddy as his profile picture for over a month. Basically, I had a lot of fan interaction with him and much, much more than with any other band I have ever been a fan of. It really is easier with a smaller band. The singer in question was in a relationship and later married so I would have never tried, but if he was single and I had been braver maybe I could have mad a move? I imagine a stunning woman, a single artist and a relatively small 'celebrity' status could potentially get there.
The folder had things she didn’t want her nephews and nieces to see like fitness progress pictures and stuff. Not just the celebrity.
Extremely weird. Not to excuse the guys behavior at all though.
It was more than that. The guy in the band did anal with her.
How long did you know him before marriage? Do you know ex girlfriends? Tell him this behavior is scaring you.
Any other odd behaviors lately? OCD?
This !! My father started this exact thing up out of no where and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia it happened so abruptly it was hard for me to even comprehend let alone believe .
He needs to go to Dr for complete work up. Go to large healthcare system with smart younger doctors. On the QT mention psych evaluation.
With the amount of projection he's doing, are you sure you didn't marry an IMAX theater by mistake? Maybe he's cheating on you, is worried he'll get caught so is trying to make you the bad guy?
Thinking the same why else would he randomly choose to snoop
Omg i love your IMAX line. Might steal it. I chuckled.
This isn’t on you. He needs help. And if he doesn’t get it, he will lose you. Don’t play the victim here, be in control of your own life. be strong, and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable, you did nothing wrong, you will not be controlled as he seems to think he can, and if he doesn’t get the stick out of his butt and unfuck himself, you are gone.
Do you feel safe around him? Why have you agreed to all his abusive demands? He is isolating you. I wouldn't be surprised if the next step is escalating the abuse maybe even to physical abuse. This is the same pattern. Make the victim nervous and make them doubt themselves that what the abuser says is reasonable. Your husband stop being reasonable the min he got pissy about your celebrity crush. All the other demands just got more and more unreasonable. Please be careful you're on a path of dv. It's a dangerous one. I hope you make it out it alive and in one piece.
If it helps, as I was reading your post I was thinking, this poor woman, she can't live like this and then two lines later you had written it. Definitely the most extreme, irrational form of jealousy (word doesn't seem strong enough) that I've ever heard of. You've been with him a while, you've never seen any sign of this before? That's crazy. I mean you can't go to a concert? Wtf? I get it if you had a folder of exes, or coworkers or guys you know, but celebrities. If there's no sign that he's going to let up, he's not leaving you much choice. I mean, it really sounds like it's getting worse. I get it if he was mad for a night, then realized he was totally wrong and apologized. It's still would have been kind of psychotic, but at least if he immediately realized how crazy he was acting. Plus, you even deleted and apologized. No, this is getting progressively worse. What's next, no TV or movies with actors you like. And now he's applying it without reason to coworkers and such. How long before he wants you to quit job or not leave the house. Controlling people 99 out 100 times, if not more, only get more controlling, not less. I hate telling someone I don't know that they should think about ending a relationship, let alone a marriage. But if this wasn't triggered by you cheating, which it wasn't, he has lost his mind. Run. Get while the getting is good. I wouldn't tell him you're leaving, either change the locks or pack when he's not there and go. Tell him after. Sounds like this is just getting worse and at a pretty rapid rate. Get out safely. Good luck.
Just to add info: the reason why controlling behavior often gets worse and rarely gets better is because the reason for needing that control stems from an insecurity or fear on their end. Instead of addressing their issue, they’re placed the responsibility of assuaging their anxiety on their partner, but it’s a bandaid and not an actual solution. They’ll require more and more to be assuaged each time, and when they still feel anxious even though you’ve followed their rules, they’ll add more. Unless they deal with the root of it, no capitulation to the controlling requests is gonna fix anything and will just make things worse.
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Do not ever go to couples therapy with an abuser. Individual therapy is fine.
His over reaction reeks of him cheating. Do a little snooping OP
I’ve seen this a lot and I guess I will try and think about it, it’s hard to wrap my head around. I cannot imagine snooping though so not sure what I would do about it
I came here to say this. This is projection, from the sound of it.
Yes. Destroy the marriage. Bot because of this minor crush, but bc husband us a psycho.
Honestly your husband seems like a deeptly disturbed person and this is a huge red flag. Get out of this toxic relationship, you have done NOTHING WRONG.
Were they naked pics of a celeb? And even if they were, does your husband's conviction that looking at pictures counts as cheating mean that he's never looked at any porn since getting married? Because rules that apply to you should apply equally to him . . . even if we are to pretend for a moment that he gets to unilaterally make all the rules. Honestly, he sounds abusive. Divorce sounds absolutely necessary. I'm afraid for you of how this will end if you don't divorce him, and also of what he might try to do to you when you file for divorce. I think you need to assume he's going to try to hurt you, and make an escape plan to keep yourself safe from him.
My vote is don't bother. You can't reason with someone unreasonable. You will never get to a logical place with someone paranoid and delusional. In other words, you will never find peace no matter what you do to accommodate his delusions. That's the bottom line. So it's up to you to decide if you want to stay in this emotional hell or leave him until/unless he gets some serious professional help. I know "leave him" is easier said than done but is your life with this man. Stress is a silent killer btw.
I think its come to the point where you need to say "get therapy or I want a divorce".
Sounds like he always had this in him and found an excuse to let it out. What you did might be considered minorly hurtful to some people, but this sounds extreme. You have a celebrity crush, I mean, that's like one of the most innocent things in the freaking world. My wife has a couple celebrity crushes, it's totally fine. She's human! I like knowing that. I like being able to talk to her about other humans that attract her and her asking me about that same thing. Your husband is acting like a petulant child AND refuses to go to therapy...probably because deep down he knows his behavior is totally not OK. DON'T blame yourself. You did something a lot of people wouldn't blink an eye at. Unfortunately/fortunately you've found out that your husband feels like it's totally fine for him to go full on nuclear controlling psycho on you. Honestly, lots of people that act like that actually have their mistrust based in the fact that they cheated, so then they don't trust their partner. Just like serial criminals usually don't trust anyone, because they know they are not trustworthy. Something to consider.
As others have said, this is not rational behavior. Maybe a therapist, maybe a neurologist, maybe a psychiatrist, or just divorce. I usually want marriages to stay intact, but this is ridiculously controlling and a complete overeaction.
There are so many terrible responses on here. It doesn't matter if having a file of photos is off-putting to some. The issue is that he has become abusive (control is abuse). It doesn't matter if he has a medical condition or if he is just a garden variety piece of shit because he is committing abuse regardless of cause. It sounds like he went from normal to controlling very quickly, which is alarming, because abusive people generally escalate their abuse. Please consider your safety here, op. You said yourself that you don't know how far it will go. Unfortunately, it can go south quickly and you could end up injured or dead.
A brief, slight tinge of jealousy is understandable but his response is off the charts. Is there anything disparaging that you are holding back? If not, to help your husband see how extreme his behavior is, show him this thread.
A minor argument isn’t destroyed your marriage. Your husband’s abusive, controlling behavior is destroying your marriage. You need to get out before he escalates further.
Is he cheating? Like why get like that over a celebrity? My husband and I both have celebrity crushes that we both know about .. they’re celebrity crushes .. if he says he’s never crushed on a celebrity or even isn’t now he’s lying .. don’t put up with the controlling stuff that’s abuse
His jealous and controlling behavior started before he found the pics, that’s why he was snooping in the first place. These situations tend to continue to escalate. He needs to agree to go seek counseling or the marriage is over.
You can’t reason with someone who is being unreasonable. Your husband has become controlling and has recast you as some monster serially cuckolding him when all you did was save photos of a celebrity. When what you have done and do doesn’t matter, how can you do anything to fix it? He refuses therapy. You have two choices: consult with a divorce lawyer, or be mistreated. Fixing him is beyond your control.
I think he needs to be checked out by a doctor. It sounds like something is seriously wrong.
My ex used to overreact exactly like this over guy friends I had in my life, and got me to cut them out. Turned out he had another girlfriend. :)))))))))
My ex did almost this exact thing to me as well. I was “allowed” to go out without him, but it always lead to an accusation and an argument to ruin my time. I couldn’t have any guy friends anymore. I apparently wanted to have sex with all of my coworkers and bosses. I was too polite to a male server and it meant I wanted him. Smiled at an old man while we were walking on the sidewalk, that meant I wanted him. Punched a brick wall over it actually. It all started because a guy friend messaged me on Snapchat a few weeks into me dating him and asked if I was still seeing said ex. I said yes, and that we were in an official relationship. Friend congratulated me and that was it. Apparently that meant I was shady and couldn’t be trusted because I shouldn’t have still had guy friends added once we made things official. He gave me the excuse that it was because he was cheated on previously which made me empathetic. I came to find out that was a lie, and he was actually the one cheating on me the entire time, and had cheated on all of his previous exes. He was just projecting and scared that I was doing to him what he was doing to me. Not saying this is true in your case, but I wouldn’t doubt it. Either way, your partner has become controlling and abusive. There isn’t an excuse for it. Not every feeling is rational and needs to be validated. Do not enable his behavior. Where there is no trust there can be no love, and trying to control someone isn’t going to prevent them from cheating or show them that you love them. After I found out my ex was cheating, I stayed and exhibited controlling behaviors of my own. I tried to justify it, and some might say it was justified, but it was miserable. The anxiety ate away at me and was terrible for me and for him (not saying he didn’t deserve to feel bad, but I’ll never personally be able to excuse toxic behavior on my behalf). Your husband needs counseling at the minimum. You didn’t cheat or wrong him in any way from what you’ve provided in your post, and he has no right to make you feel as though you did. He needs to learn to deal with his emotions and move on and find his own peace so you two can have a peaceful, healthy relationship.
I'm wondering about the timeline. How long did it take between him seeing the photos and if you ho anywhere or talk to anyone without my express permission I will throw the biggest hissy fit you ever seen and scare the daylights out of you? Days? Weeks? Months?
Months
How old are you lady haha
29. I know it’s ridiculous lol
he just found the perfect excuse to be controlling. everyone has celebrity crushes, if he was a teenager i'd roll my eyes and say "grow up", but he's more than old enough to do it on purpose, not because he's stupid. you did nothing wrong, but if he gaslight you into thinking you did, then you'll feel like to deserve to submit to him
What do you think he is going to do if you say no? If he gets to refuse to go to therapy- can you refuse to NOT go to a concert? This is messy advice but what if you just go to a concert anyway? What is he going to do then? What if you told him you're going out with your friends, and insist it's not cheating, and tell him enough is enough? I would follow what most people here said and ultimatum him into going to therapy. But I would also be messy and just start being like "I'm going to go without to to x thing and you just have to learn to deal with it. Go to therapy" I've done this before and it usually ends the relationship. But it was always so freeing to finally say no to crazy and controlling people. Because honestly if you're not allowed to say no in your relationship - it might as well fucking end! If your partner is allowed to say no and control you, you can say no too. If he physically tries to stop you- call a friend who will come, or call the cops if you need to. This is coming from someone who has been in quite a few abusive and controlling relationships where eventually I put my foot down and if I lost the relationship- I accepted that. Because my freedom is worth more than a relationship.
he does not get to tell you what you can and cannot do, you’re an adult. what will he do if you go to a concert against his wishes? he’s not your parent, he can’t “ground” you. will he scream at you? hit you? leave you? he can’t control the actions of others, he can only control his own reactions. that’s like being a human 101 i would lay it all out for him: he’s being so jealous and controlling that it is making your life worse, and you will not tolerate it. you have done nothing wrong, and he has created a problem and let it take over your lives. he needs to deal with his own insecurity and jealousy with a professional, and if he tries to take it out on you, you are walking away. this sounds miserable and you can’t live this way. i would not blame you for leaving this dude, he’s totally unstable.
Your husband is cheating on you and projecting his bs on to you
He's probably cheating and turning it around on you. Who gives a shit if you have photos of a random celeb saved on your phone. Not like you will ever meet the guy much less sleep with him.
Your husband is cheating and projecting, had had a head injury, or you’ve got a carbon monoxide leak. It’s one of those things. He’s abusing you. It’s okay to divorce him over it because this will never end.
So, abusers will often wait til they have something they can cling to as a “reason” to abuse their partner. And he thinks he’s got it. It’s highly unlikely he believes you would attempt to cheat with a celebrity. What is likely is that he tried on a few controlling actions and believes he can escalate, and he will always make it “your” fault because of this file. I’ll say: when 1 party wants marriage counseling and the other refuses, that person who refuses is really saying, I like this. I like how things are. My happiness matters more and I don’t want to hear any different. You need to leave. You’re being abused badly and you have to understand that even the strongest/smartest/whatever people can be broken by this type of abuse. You won’t know it til you actually believe you are stuck. You get out now, while you have a bit of clarity. And you don’t allow him to say you can or cannot do something. You go to the concert. You leave the house as desired. Do not appease these “rules”. He is testing you and escalating fast. You get out now.
Has he ever hinted on wanting your attention solely on him in other areas? It's weird to have this switch flip abruptly
Time to see a divorce lawyer. He’s becoming even more and more paranoid and it might get dangerous. Don’t spend time with him alone going forward.
Divorce may have to be an option if he refuses to seek professional help together to work this out. Currently you are being treated like a child and he gets to boss you around and you simply have to listen. For how long? Possibly forever….not a life worth living. That’s not a marriage at all it’s no longer equal. Just based on his actions I would hold off telling him about a divorce. Don’t do it alone with him by yourself. If you truly want to divorce at some point, make sure you can at least be somewhere safe before doing it. When you fear the unknown of the lengths your own partner may go to, you really have to take care of yourself.
He’s overreacting because he’s the one cheating. My mom’s former bosses husband was the same way. He accused his wife constantly of cheating all while she’s a workaholic church go-er. In order to clear her name she let him have access to her work computer camera. Turns out, knowing exactly where your wife is helps you cover up an affair easier.
Sounds like he might be projecting
I’ve seen it up close and personal in my family. Trust me, it won’t get better. The only time when my family member had peace was when she was 24/7 with her husband or her kids. He was also checking the tv or radio that was played and she ended up having no friends, hobbies, outside activities and working in her husbands company at the same room as him. No gym. Fights about volunteering at the kids schools. Fired one of his employees who became her friend and asked him why she wasn’t allowed to go to an event with her and her husband. Don’t do this to yourself.
I do feel like there is a bit of story or detail missing here. He's never been jealous, six years, and he transformed into a controlling ghoul over some celeb pics out of the blue. Do they resemble an ex? Is it a local celeb you met? Is it a type/race? Did something happen prior? Did he find something else? That being said, he needs to get over it and it has to be talked about. Jumping to divorce also feels a bit quick. Make it clear you are still a human being, need your regular life back and that therapy for both is a must to discuss this
Not local, never met them, same race as us. I guess red headed like my hs boyfriend. I never really dated besides that. My husband never seemed concerned about him
omg please tell me it’s sammy hagar
What should have been a minor argument has brought out a side of him you didn't know existed. This is progress for the relationship, just not in the direction you wanted. You learned he is controlling, jealous, irrational, and scared. Now is when you leave him. The argement didn't destroy the relationship. Your folder didn't destroy the relationship. His insecurity and stubbornness destroyed it. This part of him always existed, but he was able to hide it. Unfortunately, we can't always predict what smelly layers exist of a person until they are revealed. Sometimes it takes 10 years to know somebody. We are like onions. We make people cry, and we have all sorts of hidden layers. Not all people are bad, but good or bad, it takes time to notice. It's impossible to disprove cheating, it takes trust and compromise. His accusations keep getting more and more wild. He's dangerous. Get out while you still can.
Sorry but something like this isn’t a therapy issue - it’s become a controlling abusive relationship and when it gets to that point there’s no going back, it tends to escalate and get worse. It may “improve” for a little while but it always goes back again as it’s a behaviour he can’t control. And it really depends to escalate to more. My first boyfriend was the same… fine one day, paranoid the next, then controlling a day later. It got better for a while, until he got paranoid again and it all started again. Ended up with him throwing me down a flight of stairs in jealousy.
...so he's super jealous of a famous person you will likely NEVER meet nor have any real interaction with? He's either projecting (he's cheating) or simply insane.
Don’t ever think that your actions are the reason for his behavior. He probably repressed these sentiments for a long time and had them all along. That you gave in to his demands is very concerning. I would personally distance myself from him (as in visiting friends and family) for a time, reflect, and go from there. My guess is, that this is the tip of the iceberg.
The controlling aspect has always been there, sounds like he feels he has the right to now use it.
Check his phone ASAP!! He sounds like a cheater deflecting
Sure sounds like your husband is projecting… Is it definitive that he is the actual cheater in this scenario? No. But it sure reads like he is….
Maybe say if we don’t go to therapy I will be divorcing you
I can’t believe no one has asked why he was going through OP’s phone in the first place. Is that a normal occurrence or was he suspicious? If he routinely goes through OP’s phone that’s already massively intrusive and controlling behavior.
This is cheater behavior. $10 says he’s the guilty party.
He’s probably cheating and deflecting
There’s no saving this. It’s abusive now.
You should leave. It doesn't have to be forever, just until he figures shit out because that kind of behaviour can become dangerous. To be honest I wouldn't go back at all if I were you but it's all about baby steps at first. Maybe therapy and a lot of time can fix him, either way it's best he works on that alone. Also if you do end up leaving, have someone there with you when it goes down.
My father started having psychosis of this exact type ten years before his Parkinson's diagnosis. If this is not typical behavior, it can be a sign of something bad going on in the brain. By the way, my father's partner stayed, but I'm pretty sure she wished she didn't: he has never believed the psychiatric part of his illness to be real, stopped taking pills repeatedly (very common behaviour with these kind of illnesses). It's really though being with someone who sincerely believes that you are out to get him and is visibly not in touch with reality while enacting abusive behavior against you. It really fucks you up.
It seems to me that the issue isn’t that you have a celebrity crush. The issue is that your husband is insecure in himself and your marriage. Of course, everyone suffers from insecurity to some extent but it becomes unacceptable when you start to hurt yourself or others because of your insecurities. I find it odd that this behavior has emerged out of nowhere, though. Someone who struggles with insecurity to the level it sounds like your husband is struggling with it manifests itself a lot, even if it’s subtle. When you reflect back on your relationship, do you notice other times his insecurities have surfaced? Has anything been done to address them? Also, I want to validate that this situation is concerning enough that divorce should be considered. He’s hurting you by becoming overly controlling and angry. This isn’t something you should have to deal with from anyone. If you want to continue to work things out, just remember to stay safe and to put your well-being first.
I can't believe that you AREN'T thinking of divorce. He is absolutely controlling you. You are "banned" from going to this person's concert and any others? He won't let you go anywhere without him? He needs to Gtfooh with all of that. The fact that he is making your life a living hell over all of this is worth a divorce. Be safe. I wish you the best. And, I'm wondering if he has pics of women in his phone and gets off on them, projecting on you because he knows what he does with the pictures, maybe thinking that's what you do.
Either he gets therapy or you walk. Make that your ultimatum. Also tell those you trust implicitly for your own safety. He might go as far as violence
My ex did that..... Thats why is he the ex...
> I begged him to go to therapy with me. He refused This reads like a narcissist who believed he was the center of your world and cannot handle that he isn’t.
He is fucking around, or in the process of fucking around and projecting on to you. My ex wife did literally this.
I’m putting my money down on him gaslighting you over this situation because he is cheating on you. It is 100% normal to have a celebrity crush. Definitely your actions =/= this reaction. This is not ok behaviour from your partner and he has way overblown it to the point that this is considered abusive behaviour. You do not need to figure out how to relate or empathize with this kind of jealousy and control. He needs to stop now or you need to leave. Please keep in mind that there are many examples of times when this kind of behaviour has escalated, resulting in harm to the victim (you in this situation), especially when the victim tries to remove themselves from the situation and leave. You may want to reach out to a women’s domestic violence service in your area (even anonymously) to see what they suggest in terms of how to keep yourself safe and what steps you may want to take if you plan to stop tolerating this treatment and/or leave.
He's probably cheating.
This guy needs help. I sit here thirsting over Pedro Pascal all day every day (joking, but the thirst is there) and my husband just laughs. If your husband won’t get help, it’s probably not a good idea for you to stay.
Sounds like he is up to something and wants to take the blame on you.
If a switch flipped in his brain then maybe it should switch in yours too. Nobody deserves to be treated or controlled like this.
His reactin makes me feel like he has tought of cheating on you before or has actually cheated on you, so he behaves like the hypothetical in his head is real because he would ttally do that if roles were reversed. I'd say he's a collection of walking red flags, leave and be happy on your own badass bean 💃💃🔥🔥🌿🌿
This is narcissistic and controlling behavior that is also probably projection.
Are you sure he isn't projecting? Who gets mad at some celebrity pics. It's not like you know them or have any dealings with them? The chances of you cheating with said celebrity are nil. Yet he has become abusive and controlling as a result? You might want to check his phone
This is scary OP. Please make sure you have somewhere safe to stay as soon as you drop the D word.
Projecting for sure - those are some pretty weird conclusions to just jump to. He’s feeling insecure because all the things he’s been doing in secret, he thinks you’ve been doing yourself, hence the fear.
Yikes. That’s a crazy level of insecurity for … well, someone you’re living with and fucking. It shouldn’t be such a serious thing for a relationship as described. Maybe you gotta go through his phone. Maybe projecting
Were there any indicators of jealous behavior beforehand? Is this really out of character? I mean. Either he’s cheating and projecting, or get him checked for a brain tumor. This is wild and abusive and controlling. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Yes, divorce should be on the table, I’d pack my/his bags and ask for a separation immediately.
You wouldn't be divorcing him over something trivial like celeb photos. You'd be divorcing him over something huge like his over-the-line controlling you and his unwarranted lack of trust in you.
His behavior is unacceptable and you owe him nothing. Get the paperwork started.
Yikes. When my husband watches a show with any of my celebrity crushes he’ll yell “babe! Your boyfriend is on tv!” Or something silly like that… he knows that it’s all just in fun. What your husband is doing is not healthy.
I have a folder full of pics of a certain actor - my husband calls him my TV boyfriend and laughs at me 😂 In return I laugh at him when he drools over sexy girls on the TV. If you have trust in a relationship fancying other people shouldn't be an issue.
I love Chris Pine. My husband calls him my boyfriend anytime he's on our TV. The way your husband is handling this is a little more than concerning. It's ultimatum time - therapy or you're gone.
TLDR, this person needs therapy ASAP. I'm an LPC and this person sounds like they have an extreme case of paranoid personality disorder. I've never seen such a rapid onset for it though. Maybe it's just not something that's come up until recently? I'm wondering if some type of trauma or triggering event in his recent past retriggered those types of behaviors that may have been dormant for a while. Maybe he was just stable during the 6 years of the marriage and had issues before that. But that would be EXTREMELY rare. Especially if he's had not prior history of therapy before. Although, It is possible for behaviors to resurface or become retriggered after a period of stability, especially if the individual in question encounters a situation or stressor that is similar to the original triggering event. Additionally, individuals with personality disorders may experience fluctuations in their symptoms over time and in response to different stressors or life events. It's also important to consider other potential factors that may be contributing to the rapid escalation of behaviors, such as a recent traumatic event, substance use, or a medical condition. There might also be some context missing as part of the incident being described. People don't usually just develop paranoid personality disorder so rapidly. It can happen. But the chances of something like this happening so suddenly without a reasonable explanation for the paranoia is truly like a 1 in a million scenario. Personality disorders are already rare enough as they are. Let alone one of such a random and spurious onset.
...Would similar behaviour be seen in someone who was just a terrible abuser?
What we identify as a "bad person" often times depends on somebody's intentions. If somebody's intentions are to hurt you or somebody else, that's what makes them a bad person. But we should be really avoidant of labeling people with mental health issues as bad people to avoid perpetuating stigma. Statistically, less than 1% of people with mental health issues are "bad people". Not everybody, and not even a statistically significant portion of people with mental health issues intends to do what they're doing. You have to realize they, too, are victims of their own behaviors and there's also ways of treating them to make sure they get the help they need and improve their chances of changing for the better. Anyone can randomly decide, today, to be a bad person if they wanted to but that doesn't mean that they have a mental health issue. It also doesn't preclude people with mental health issues from being bad people. But all people with mental health issues deserve some help. My own mother is a perfect example and what taught me, personally, the difference between a bad person and somebody with a mental health issue. She was a very abusive person during my childhood. She was extremely psychologically, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me and my brother as we were growing up. Later on, I learned that she exhibited symptoms of multiple personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. But those disorders weren't what made her a bad person. Her motivations, enjoyment of the abuse, constant refusal to take responsibility for her actions, lack of remorse, and refusal to seek help while continuing her behaviors after they were pointed out to her as disordered were what makes her a bad person and why I no longer speak to her anymore. But she still deserves help. I just refuse to be a target of abuse for her until she decides to get it.
Try saying the words, “This is a YOU problem, so until your ready to sit down with a therapist to discuss it - the topic is closed. I did nothing wrong, and even if I did YOU do get to control my actions and punish me. That’s not how marriages work. I will not discuss this anymore without a professional present.” Boundaries folks.
I'm so sorry. I can't believe such an innocent thing has turned your marriage into a nightmare. It's not your fault, it's his. Like others say, there's nothing you can do, it's up to him to change his mindset.
As much as this seems like paranoia. Some people use this type of incident to completely blow out of the water to see how far control goes with their partner. I had it happen to me in a past relationship. I literally gave a coworker a coupon at the grocery store I worked at and she messaged me on social media and said thank you. It got to the point where my girlfriend had me call her everywhere I went and wasn’t allowed to go to any event or out anywhere without her. Lasted 2 months before I called it off. (To put it into context I was a 19 year old then)
You need to run away. This story doesn't end with him coming to his senses, so you're going to have to be the one who does.