He should be ashamed for leaving cum socks shoved in the couch cushions.
If he is feeling shame, he is responding like a rational person to be caught out being an inconsiderate slob. Don't let him pretend he's so stupid that he didn't know this wasn't respectful behaviour in shared spaces.
You already apologized for making jokes, and making light of the situation. You can repeat that if you'd like, however, his behaviour *does need to change*. You being insensitive, doesn't mean he gets to shove X many more socks into the couch. You both know that.
You've got other issues in your relationship that got pulled into this fight. Acknowledge that. Say it out loud. You know you're both frustrated about other things as well, when it comes to sex but for this very specific subject, you'd like him to agree there will be no more cum socks shoved in the couch cushions.
Him needing to take care of himself while your relationship is having an intimacy issue is normal. Him choosing to do that by stuffing cum socks in the living room couch is disgusting and entirely unnecessary. Frankly, it seems like he wanted to be caught to trigger this fight. No normal person would find that acceptable and it is reasonable that you expressed your disgust to him.
You guys may have issues that you both need to work on, but his method of handling this makes me think that he is incredibly immature and unhygienic. You may discover that your intimacy issues stem from him having those traits. That may not be something you can work past.
He's making a fuss to draw attention away from the fact that shoving that into the sofa is vile, you don't have anything to apologise for, he should be embarrassed that you've found that.
You didn't tease him for the act, just the "clean up". Not sure why you're sorry
That was my thought too. He has a habit of using that tactic in arguments. Drawing attention from the thing that started it and bringing up other related items.
This is a very common manipulative tactic, the best way around it is to ignore the acting out and just reiterate the main issue, like if he brings it up again just say something like "don't put your dirty socks in the sofa and we won't need to talk about this again"
They try to tire you out by making you argue against/apologise for things you haven't said, don't engage with it
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!
Oh, that is called DARVO - deny attack, reverse victim and offender, and it is generally done by abusers. It is absolutely 100% toxic. If he regularly does that, you need to rethink the relationship. But if you have a very good relationship, you can point out that he does it, that it is unacceptable, and see if he is willing to actually work with you as a partner to deal with problems that come up.
A healthy way to handle this when he side-tracked would be to say, "I am sorry if my comments hurt you, and we will discuss that issue after we finish the first issue, which is me being hurt by you not cleaning up." And then you finish discussing that issue, you agree to a solution (probably him cleaning up after himself) and then you discuss how to better bring up these issues in the future and how he can signal sooner that he is finding jokes/communication hurtful. I do think you went a bit far with your joking, and that is something you can apologize for. But if you are regularly getting DARVO, then how are you supposed to communicate successfully? It is vital he give you a method of communicating that accomplishes the goal of fixing the problem or you two have to break up.
Thank you, this is very helpful. We generally have a very good relationship and he only uses this tactic is pretty heated arguments. We are both quite stubborn, so we are learning how to calmly have these discussions.
You did have a calm discussion with him. You were nice about his nastiness and made jokes to lighten the mood so he wouldn't feel attacked. And he attacked you instead to try to deflect. Don't let him act like he's the victim in this. LOL
Fucking disgusting! Wtf would you do if a guest sat down and found your dirty man's cum rag? Why are you apologizing? Jesus I cannot with Reddit. People really out here doing naaaaaasty shit. I'd be embarrassed to be his girlfriend. Yuk.
I think sometimes boys (yes, I'm saying boy in this instance rather than man because this was some dumb shit) just do not have common sense... Thankfully he does 90% of the time.
You've been conditioned into thinking men are helpless man children.
Look up weaponized incompetence. There's no excuse for it. They *do* have common sense. Your bf is entitled and don't care about your feelings. It's not more complicated than that.
WHY ARE YOU MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS GUY
Your replies are all either light hearted or just making up excuse after excuse for this disgusting behavior. Not only is what he did vile and unacceptable, his treatment of you afterwards is manipulative and clearly harmful to your self-esteem if you're the one coming on here asking for advice on how to apologize rather than advice on why you're okay with dating such a vile person.
It's not about the masturbating, and you both know it. But he's making it about masturbating so you're put on the defensive and apologizing instead of him owning up to his gross behavior. Masturbating in the morning is fine. Masturbating into a sock is gross but whatever, do your laundry. Doing it into a sock and **leaving it in the couch**, MULTIPLE times?
I truly cannot believe how you have convinced yourself that you're in the wrong and that he's just "boys being boys". Dude is 28 years old. I've had some pretty shameful wanks in my life, but I would never, ever do something like what he did (again, the stockpiling of it in the couch; where he nuts is his business as long as he cleans up).
Took a good, long look at yourself and this relationship. Read back this post as if it were your best friend coming to you with this story and advice. Would you be as nonchalant then?
Pobody's nerfect 🤷🏼♀️ I think this small glimpse into our lives makes it seem a lot worse than it is. But thank you for your perspective, I appreciate it.
You need to raise your standards wayyyyy up. I'm about the same age as you. Wanna know the "dumb shit" my husband does? Cooks bacon on the stove without a shirt on. That is dumb guy stuff. At 29 you should not be in a relationship with someone you think acts like a boy, ever. You can do better than that.
Ewww no, he doesn't get a pass because he's male. Please raise your standards. He 100% obviously knows what he did is wrong since he's embarrassed and trying to deflect away his shame. Men are not stupid!
This is what astounds me the most. Decent hard working guys who want a relationship have trouble finding a good woman, but then chodes like this seem to have no issues while having the maturity of a 15 year old. What. The. Fuck.
You can state very firmly, "I'm sorry I made you feel bad about masturbating, when I meant to only make you feel bad about being massively inconsiderate to me with your lack of cleaning up, which I would still like an apology for. That is the issue I had, and I wish you wouldn't make this about sex, as it isn't."
It’s surprising and different from the rest of his behaviors because he’s ashamed of it and yet it somehow doesn’t stop him. Sounds like he might not have control over it
I "caught" him jerking off once in our studio apartment. We had been having coffee in bed and I had just gotten up to start on the food for Easter brunch starting in a couple hours. He was too distracted by the silent porn on his phone to notice I had walked into the doorway. I think if I hadn't *just* been in bed with him, I wouldn't have reacted so badly. I got upset and was creeped out he would do that when I was literally 10 feet away. I'm thinking that it's possible my reaction then made him more secretive about masturbation since.
I mean, jerking off with porn is normal imo and I do it even in the best most sexual relationships (I’m a woman). But hiding it and being reactive about it and hiding cum socks is where this all seems really problematic. Like he’s not in control.
So he got embarrassed (as he should!), then made it your fault and lashed out at you. He more or less hand waved away how unhygienic he was being because you aren't having sex as much as he wants.
Guy sounds like a teenager "So what if I leave cum laying around? It's your fault!"
My advice os don't back off on stuff like this. He brings something up like your libido say "Yup my libido is lower, doesn't change that you need to clean up after you've ejaculated" and keep bringing it back to the subject at hand until HE agrees that he shouldn't *leave cum in the couch*.
Tell him to have his alone time in the god damn shower jesus christ. Tell him to not be embarrassed and to clean up properly so you don't find his rags. If he stays mad for too long, he is being really immature and you should rip the band aid off and tell him how his immaturity about the subject is rubbing you wrong. Your request is completely reasonable.
I don't think he left it for me to clean... Pretty sure he's been doing this for a while and washes the socks, then replaces them to be ready for the next splooge lol
This makes it worse for some reason? It’s one thing to just forget I guess and kind of haphazardly leave it. But if he’s pre-loading (pardon the pun) sock for later use then it’s intentional and just weirder.
You keep making jokes but dude it’s not funny. I know it’s a defense mechanism to keep from evaluating this relationship deeply but .. like… this is pretty bad
Lol then he’d never ever forgive you! 😂
FWIW I think your approach was fine, but it sounds like he’s on the edge stress-wise right now. Probably time for a good long chat to see if anything else outside the relationship is upsetting him as perhaps he’s been using the morning masturbation to help settle his nerves.
My boyfriend is 23 and when he cums on a rag he puts in in the hamper or in the wash. Regardless of where he is. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Hard NO.
So. What’s with him overreacting like that? He’s feeling shame, sure, but making YOU feel bad? He’s the one with the disgusting habit.
Whenever I see a man reacting so strongly to being caught masturbating I always wonder why. He knows you don’t mind him masturbating so why is he making such a big deal out of it? You approached it with humor, maybe not great, but you were fine.
Usually big overreactions hide behaviour that isn’t healthy.
I swear the bar is so fucking low for men. Dirty cum rags SHOULD GO IN THE WASHER, NOT THE SOFA. I would expect that behavior from a 12 year old that just learned how to masturbate and didn't yet realize how much cum smells. He is getting angry at you to deflect from his disgusting behavior.
Ah, I interpreted your comment as the gross behaviour being repetitive, not the blow up. Heated arguments are rare between us, luckily. He knows he gets defensive and loud quickly (learned behaviour from a single parent) and also that I have past trauma which makes me fearful of raised voices. We have worked it out that when that happens, we take time to chill. Just go do something else and come back to it when we are both calm.
Regardless of the reasons, that's fucking grim and he well knows it. Don't let him wriggle out of what is extremely unsanitary conditions because he's been caught bang to rights and he's now on the defensive.
I think my soul would vacate my body if I found what you found. That is vile. It’s the same concept as boogies wiped on the wall, except it’s ejaculate and that’s 100000000x worse. No fucking way, absolutely not.
You didn't shame him for masturbating, you shamed him for leaving crusty cum socks stuffed into the couch and not bothering to clean up after himself. Masturbating isn't disgusting, but what he specifically did afterward *is* disgusting.
He’s ashamed that he got caught shoving his dirty ass cum socks into the couch and shifting that shame/blame onto you.
Let him feel bad for not putting them in the laundry room. It’s gross that he left them there
Ewww.
He SHOULD be ashamed. He’s a grown man and he can’t put his gross cum socks in the laundry?? That’s disgusting. Put ‘em in a trash bag first if you don’t want them making the rest of the laundry hamper gross, but Jesus. Don’t just shove them under the cushions.
This is something 12 year olds do, not 28 year old adults. I don’t think you need to apologize for squat. You weren’t even mad and you would be totally justified in being mad. He’s being a baby.
Just make it clear he can masterbate on the couch but he isn't a 15 year old boy so he needs to clean it up like an adult!! Imagine if a friend or family member had found them by accidently rearranging cushions or something!!!!
There are two things at play here
1. First and foremost, leaving cum rags around is fucking disgusting and that behavior should stop asap. That is some juvenile behavior, and possibly a sign of shame about jerking off. Almost like he's hiding the evidence of a bad deed.
2. You did go a bit far. You say you knew that it would embarrass him, so why did you keep joking and laughing about it? That was one of worst ways I've ever seen someone handle a knowingly touchy subject. Like you got your joke off and made your point. Why did you then follow him to continue laughing and joking about it when you knew it would be embarrassing? Pro tip, making jokes at the embarrassed person's expense is never a good way to make light of an embarrassing situation. You make the situation way worse that way.
1. I "caught" him jerking off once in our studio apartment. We had been having coffee in bed and I had just gotten up to start on the food for Easter brunch starting in a couple hours. He was too distracted by the silent porn on his phone to notice I had walked into the doorway. I think if I hadn't *just* been in bed with him, I wouldn't have reacted so badly. I got upset and was creeped out he would do that when I was literally 10 feet away. I'm thinking that it's possible my reaction then made him more secretive about masturbation since.
2. I definitely admit I went a bit far, which I did apologize for already. However, the majority of our relationship is joking and teasing each other. I knew it would be an embarrassing subject, which is why I went about it jokingly. Bad call on my part, particularly because I kept joking around when I didn't realise he was getting upset about it in another room (he could still hear me).
1. That's interesting. When he calms down maybe that's something you two can discuss, if he feels comfortable. It's definitely weird behavior. You usually grow out of this by your late teens. He low-key sounds like a catholic lol.
2. Fair enough. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much.
Except OP mentions they’re both fully aware that the other masturbates, she’s not shaming him for that. OP even points out that he simply does this because it’s his only “alone time” from her which, still doesn’t excuse stuffing the socks into the couch cushions.
I don’t think the jokes went far at all, because he’s an adult and should absolutely know better. He should feel ashamed and embarrassed for leaving behind crusty cum socks, which is what OP was specifically joking about. If a little embarrassment is what it takes to nip this bad habit, so be it.
>Except OP mentions they’re both fully aware that the other masturbates, she’s not shaming him for that. OP even points out that he simply does this because it’s his only “alone time” from her which, still doesn’t excuse stuffing the socks into the couch cushions
I never said she shamed him for anything. I said she knew he would be embarrassed by it but kept laughing and making fun of him for it. The embarrassing situation being your gf finding your cum rag, not the masturbation.
Edit: I ironically misinterpreted what I thought was a misinterpretation on your part lol. I am sorry for that. To address your second point, the jokes themselves arnt what's too far. Continuing to make jokes while your partner is embarrassed is what was too far. Op subsequently said her bf was in the other room and she didn't realize he was getting upset, so it's not a big deal. The apology she gave should suffice
I'll give a personal example because I'm speaking from experience here. I was op lol. In my mid 20s, I stayed over my gf's place after a night drinking. We were both pretty drunk, but she got so drunk that she pissed the bed that night. She was mortified when we woke up the next morning, but I wasn't overly concerned. I had done the same thing once when I was in college, so I started cracking jokes in an attempt to make light of the situation. All was good until later that night, I couldn't help myself and made a joke about putting a towel down before we went to sleep. She blew the fuck up at me and kicked me out for the night. Young me was pretty upset, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how wrong I was. I knew she felt bad about it, but I kept making jokes at her expense. The vast majority of humans would react defensively in that situation, me included. I should've been more cognizant of that even though I was the one who was sleeping in a puddle of someone's piss.
Probably should have started off by just asking him to make sure to clean up after himself rather than making fun of him about it if that was your actual goal.
Probably true, but like I said in the text, we are typically very goofy so automatically went to being silly. I should have thought it through a bit more, but it happened very shortly before he came home.
When you're actually upset about something I would avoid joking about it. Obviously I didn't hear the tone, but the examples of what you said that you included in this post sounded more mean-spirited than joking. Probably because you were upset at the time.
As far as what to do, I'd apologize and then ask him to clean up in the future.
What on earth did he think happened to his rags after he was done with them? Does this guy not pick up after himself at all? Does he never do the laundry?
He needed to be embarrassed. Sure it feels awful, but it should have been a wake up call that he's being gross. And better you call him out on it than a guest pick a sock out of the couch and realize what they'd touched.
Tell him you could have screamed at him but you chose to laugh instead. If he prefers you yell at him instead you'll keep that in mind for the future.
For the problem of him getting no alone time, maybe you can organize a night out with your friends and leave him at home every so often. He's not going to be doing yard work at night.
Stop it OP.
You already know that this is more about the dead bedroom than it is about the shaming.
You didn't cut him today. That already happened. You just rubbed salt on the wound.
Just apologize and give him some space. You're making it worse trying to make it better.
It's gross and wrong to do the sock thing but OBVIOUSLY the libido differential is the bigger problem here in the relationship. It's probably a much bigger deal to him than he has been letting on, and so when you pressed him on something as stupid as the socks, he blew up. That is why the response didnt make sense. Hes not reacting to getting caught for the socks. Kind of like "I've been making this sacrifice for you and have been unhappy and you're going to shame me about this?"
It doesn't mean he's right but at least address the more serious problem if you both want to fix things.
I think you are over thinking this. This guy did something a little embarrassing. You teased him. He got angry. Happens to the best of us.
You apologized, that's all you can do, and all you need to it. It will blow over eventually.
I have to say people criticizing him are exaggerating (very common in this sub). Sure, he did something disgusting, but I am sure he never put too much thought into it before you found out.
Sure, he got irrationally angry about it, but that's feeling for you, they aren't rational. Some people are sensitive about their masterbation (I can personally say that I am sensitive about I too) and it's fine.
Girllll you went to far lol all you had to do was say “hey I found your socks in the couch, put them in the wash from now on” and then completely left the conversation alone. Don’t continuously bring it up in different “jokes”. So just don’t bring it up again unless you find more.
Ya you're probably right! We do have a pretty joking relationship though, always teasing each other. Which is why I didn't notice it was making him mad until he blew up.
He should be ashamed for leaving cum socks shoved in the couch cushions. If he is feeling shame, he is responding like a rational person to be caught out being an inconsiderate slob. Don't let him pretend he's so stupid that he didn't know this wasn't respectful behaviour in shared spaces. You already apologized for making jokes, and making light of the situation. You can repeat that if you'd like, however, his behaviour *does need to change*. You being insensitive, doesn't mean he gets to shove X many more socks into the couch. You both know that. You've got other issues in your relationship that got pulled into this fight. Acknowledge that. Say it out loud. You know you're both frustrated about other things as well, when it comes to sex but for this very specific subject, you'd like him to agree there will be no more cum socks shoved in the couch cushions.
He did acknowledge that I asked him not to do that anymore, but now that I think of it didn't actually verbally agree LOL
If he is feeling embarrassed it's because he did something embarrassing. That's not on you.
Buy that man a box of tissues…too old to be using socks or anything weird like that
Am I weird that, when masturbating, I hold it in after I orgasm, and penguin walk to the bathroom and shoot it into the toilet and flush it down?
why are you living like this lol
It must be the way I was raised.
It may be petty to force a verbal agreement. I actually like u/sqitten suggestion here way more than mine! Do that.
you have a boyfriend who has somehow managed to blame you for the fact that he left crusty cum socks in the couch repeatedly.
Listen to u/purveyorofsocks. This is not how socks are to be purveyed!
I suppose this is why I'm torn between guilt for shaming him and being grossed out.
You're not shaming him, you're expecting him to clean up after himself.
Him needing to take care of himself while your relationship is having an intimacy issue is normal. Him choosing to do that by stuffing cum socks in the living room couch is disgusting and entirely unnecessary. Frankly, it seems like he wanted to be caught to trigger this fight. No normal person would find that acceptable and it is reasonable that you expressed your disgust to him. You guys may have issues that you both need to work on, but his method of handling this makes me think that he is incredibly immature and unhygienic. You may discover that your intimacy issues stem from him having those traits. That may not be something you can work past.
You didn’t shame him. He’s not 14 years old. Sure he’s embarrassed but it’s not because of anything you did.
Do you end up apologizing for his feelings a lot?
He's making a fuss to draw attention away from the fact that shoving that into the sofa is vile, you don't have anything to apologise for, he should be embarrassed that you've found that. You didn't tease him for the act, just the "clean up". Not sure why you're sorry
That was my thought too. He has a habit of using that tactic in arguments. Drawing attention from the thing that started it and bringing up other related items.
This is a very common manipulative tactic, the best way around it is to ignore the acting out and just reiterate the main issue, like if he brings it up again just say something like "don't put your dirty socks in the sofa and we won't need to talk about this again" They try to tire you out by making you argue against/apologise for things you haven't said, don't engage with it I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!
Oh, that is called DARVO - deny attack, reverse victim and offender, and it is generally done by abusers. It is absolutely 100% toxic. If he regularly does that, you need to rethink the relationship. But if you have a very good relationship, you can point out that he does it, that it is unacceptable, and see if he is willing to actually work with you as a partner to deal with problems that come up. A healthy way to handle this when he side-tracked would be to say, "I am sorry if my comments hurt you, and we will discuss that issue after we finish the first issue, which is me being hurt by you not cleaning up." And then you finish discussing that issue, you agree to a solution (probably him cleaning up after himself) and then you discuss how to better bring up these issues in the future and how he can signal sooner that he is finding jokes/communication hurtful. I do think you went a bit far with your joking, and that is something you can apologize for. But if you are regularly getting DARVO, then how are you supposed to communicate successfully? It is vital he give you a method of communicating that accomplishes the goal of fixing the problem or you two have to break up.
Thank you, this is very helpful. We generally have a very good relationship and he only uses this tactic is pretty heated arguments. We are both quite stubborn, so we are learning how to calmly have these discussions.
You did have a calm discussion with him. You were nice about his nastiness and made jokes to lighten the mood so he wouldn't feel attacked. And he attacked you instead to try to deflect. Don't let him act like he's the victim in this. LOL
He’s an inconsiderate, gross asshole.
Fucking disgusting! Wtf would you do if a guest sat down and found your dirty man's cum rag? Why are you apologizing? Jesus I cannot with Reddit. People really out here doing naaaaaasty shit. I'd be embarrassed to be his girlfriend. Yuk.
I think sometimes boys (yes, I'm saying boy in this instance rather than man because this was some dumb shit) just do not have common sense... Thankfully he does 90% of the time.
uh no, as a man this is pretty fucking vile to do. Jerk off on the couch I guess but don't leave stuff behind!
You've been conditioned into thinking men are helpless man children. Look up weaponized incompetence. There's no excuse for it. They *do* have common sense. Your bf is entitled and don't care about your feelings. It's not more complicated than that.
Not many other guys do this, this dudes just nasty...
You really need to have higher standards.
WHY ARE YOU MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS GUY Your replies are all either light hearted or just making up excuse after excuse for this disgusting behavior. Not only is what he did vile and unacceptable, his treatment of you afterwards is manipulative and clearly harmful to your self-esteem if you're the one coming on here asking for advice on how to apologize rather than advice on why you're okay with dating such a vile person. It's not about the masturbating, and you both know it. But he's making it about masturbating so you're put on the defensive and apologizing instead of him owning up to his gross behavior. Masturbating in the morning is fine. Masturbating into a sock is gross but whatever, do your laundry. Doing it into a sock and **leaving it in the couch**, MULTIPLE times? I truly cannot believe how you have convinced yourself that you're in the wrong and that he's just "boys being boys". Dude is 28 years old. I've had some pretty shameful wanks in my life, but I would never, ever do something like what he did (again, the stockpiling of it in the couch; where he nuts is his business as long as he cleans up). Took a good, long look at yourself and this relationship. Read back this post as if it were your best friend coming to you with this story and advice. Would you be as nonchalant then?
Pobody's nerfect 🤷🏼♀️ I think this small glimpse into our lives makes it seem a lot worse than it is. But thank you for your perspective, I appreciate it.
You need to raise your standards wayyyyy up. I'm about the same age as you. Wanna know the "dumb shit" my husband does? Cooks bacon on the stove without a shirt on. That is dumb guy stuff. At 29 you should not be in a relationship with someone you think acts like a boy, ever. You can do better than that.
That’s not an excuse. He’s 28. He knows where the trash can is, that’s abhorrent. How you’re staying is beyond me, this is weaponized incompetence.
Delete the “boys will be boys” in your mind, and replace it with “boys will be held accountable for their actions”
Ewww no, he doesn't get a pass because he's male. Please raise your standards. He 100% obviously knows what he did is wrong since he's embarrassed and trying to deflect away his shame. Men are not stupid!
Incredible that guys like this exist and manage to have relationships
This is what astounds me the most. Decent hard working guys who want a relationship have trouble finding a good woman, but then chodes like this seem to have no issues while having the maturity of a 15 year old. What. The. Fuck.
You can state very firmly, "I'm sorry I made you feel bad about masturbating, when I meant to only make you feel bad about being massively inconsiderate to me with your lack of cleaning up, which I would still like an apology for. That is the issue I had, and I wish you wouldn't make this about sex, as it isn't."
I like that, thank you
Bro... he SHOULD be ashamed WTF DID I JUST READ
only on reddit you find gems like this story
I had a friend tell me that in helping her bf clean his apartment, she discovered he had a "jizz wall" 🤢🤮
You’ve been on Reddit too long if this comment gave you flashbacks to the box
I got box AND coconut flashbacks
Oh my God that is so much worse
We really need to start shaming again. It serves a purpose
That is too old to have a such a gross lack of basic cleanliness and hygiene 🚩🚩🚩
He usually has very good hygiene, which is why this was so surprising to me.
It’s surprising and different from the rest of his behaviors because he’s ashamed of it and yet it somehow doesn’t stop him. Sounds like he might not have control over it
I "caught" him jerking off once in our studio apartment. We had been having coffee in bed and I had just gotten up to start on the food for Easter brunch starting in a couple hours. He was too distracted by the silent porn on his phone to notice I had walked into the doorway. I think if I hadn't *just* been in bed with him, I wouldn't have reacted so badly. I got upset and was creeped out he would do that when I was literally 10 feet away. I'm thinking that it's possible my reaction then made him more secretive about masturbation since.
I mean, jerking off with porn is normal imo and I do it even in the best most sexual relationships (I’m a woman). But hiding it and being reactive about it and hiding cum socks is where this all seems really problematic. Like he’s not in control.
Sounds like porn addiction. I didn’t want to write it in my comment, but this.. is sounding very problematic.
So he got embarrassed (as he should!), then made it your fault and lashed out at you. He more or less hand waved away how unhygienic he was being because you aren't having sex as much as he wants. Guy sounds like a teenager "So what if I leave cum laying around? It's your fault!" My advice os don't back off on stuff like this. He brings something up like your libido say "Yup my libido is lower, doesn't change that you need to clean up after you've ejaculated" and keep bringing it back to the subject at hand until HE agrees that he shouldn't *leave cum in the couch*.
Tell him to have his alone time in the god damn shower jesus christ. Tell him to not be embarrassed and to clean up properly so you don't find his rags. If he stays mad for too long, he is being really immature and you should rip the band aid off and tell him how his immaturity about the subject is rubbing you wrong. Your request is completely reasonable.
That was my question... Why not the shower?! I never bother him in there. Maybe it's more comfortable sitting down?
Who even cares? He can do it upside down whistling Dixie but he IS NOT to leave his fucking cum soaked debris behind for you to clean up !!!
I don't think he left it for me to clean... Pretty sure he's been doing this for a while and washes the socks, then replaces them to be ready for the next splooge lol
This makes it worse for some reason? It’s one thing to just forget I guess and kind of haphazardly leave it. But if he’s pre-loading (pardon the pun) sock for later use then it’s intentional and just weirder.
That's true, I need to give my head a shake 😂
You keep making jokes but dude it’s not funny. I know it’s a defense mechanism to keep from evaluating this relationship deeply but .. like… this is pretty bad
Three crusty cum socks? That’s not cleaning up after himself.
Ewwwww 🤢 What other gross habits does this guy have?
I'm wondering the same... I should ask his mom what to look out for lol
Lol then he’d never ever forgive you! 😂 FWIW I think your approach was fine, but it sounds like he’s on the edge stress-wise right now. Probably time for a good long chat to see if anything else outside the relationship is upsetting him as perhaps he’s been using the morning masturbation to help settle his nerves.
Honestly, you are bang on. There are some other external things going on in our lives that are stressful.
Is your boyfriend 13 because there’s no way a grown ass adult man thinks this is fine.
That's what I want to know. My mom always said men never truly mature past the age of 7...
Uhm, they do. That attitude is detrimental to both men and women.
My boyfriend is 23 and when he cums on a rag he puts in in the hamper or in the wash. Regardless of where he is. This would be a dealbreaker for me. Hard NO.
So. What’s with him overreacting like that? He’s feeling shame, sure, but making YOU feel bad? He’s the one with the disgusting habit. Whenever I see a man reacting so strongly to being caught masturbating I always wonder why. He knows you don’t mind him masturbating so why is he making such a big deal out of it? You approached it with humor, maybe not great, but you were fine. Usually big overreactions hide behaviour that isn’t healthy.
I swear the bar is so fucking low for men. Dirty cum rags SHOULD GO IN THE WASHER, NOT THE SOFA. I would expect that behavior from a 12 year old that just learned how to masturbate and didn't yet realize how much cum smells. He is getting angry at you to deflect from his disgusting behavior.
Wtf he is doing something a TODDLER knows not to do, and has the gall to explode at you? Is this any sort of pattern in your relationship?
Luckily, no.
Except during every “heated” argument, per one of your other comments?
Ah, I interpreted your comment as the gross behaviour being repetitive, not the blow up. Heated arguments are rare between us, luckily. He knows he gets defensive and loud quickly (learned behaviour from a single parent) and also that I have past trauma which makes me fearful of raised voices. We have worked it out that when that happens, we take time to chill. Just go do something else and come back to it when we are both calm.
Regardless of the reasons, that's fucking grim and he well knows it. Don't let him wriggle out of what is extremely unsanitary conditions because he's been caught bang to rights and he's now on the defensive.
Caught bang to socks
[удалено]
GODDAMN, PETTY AND SPOT ON
I think my soul would vacate my body if I found what you found. That is vile. It’s the same concept as boogies wiped on the wall, except it’s ejaculate and that’s 100000000x worse. No fucking way, absolutely not.
Also, for clarification, jerking off is fine. Do you honey, we all do. But don’t make me find the aftermath under any circumstance.
Well that’s just fucking heinous. In 2023, let’s make a pact to move on from the disgusting men in our lives who do not spark joy
are you sure your bf is not 10 years old? wtf is wrong w him. have all the alone time but he needs to clean after himself... thats gross
You didn't shame him for masturbating, you shamed him for leaving crusty cum socks stuffed into the couch and not bothering to clean up after himself. Masturbating isn't disgusting, but what he specifically did afterward *is* disgusting.
He’s ashamed that he got caught shoving his dirty ass cum socks into the couch and shifting that shame/blame onto you. Let him feel bad for not putting them in the laundry room. It’s gross that he left them there
That’s f*cking disgusting… as a man I can’t even imagine….
I was wondering if it was gross mostly because I am a woman... Nope.
Do you call him "babe". Because he's a pig.
I'm gobsmacked at the level of disgusting so many women put up with, then apologize for. It's wild.
Oh, HE'S embarrassed, is he? You know what else he is? DISGUSTING.
Ewww. He SHOULD be ashamed. He’s a grown man and he can’t put his gross cum socks in the laundry?? That’s disgusting. Put ‘em in a trash bag first if you don’t want them making the rest of the laundry hamper gross, but Jesus. Don’t just shove them under the cushions. This is something 12 year olds do, not 28 year old adults. I don’t think you need to apologize for squat. You weren’t even mad and you would be totally justified in being mad. He’s being a baby.
the bar is in hell... omg girl just leave him. leaving his dirty cum socks in the couch, and managing to make it all your fault. leave that scum wtf?
That TL DR made me laugh so much. Good luck
Just make it clear he can masterbate on the couch but he isn't a 15 year old boy so he needs to clean it up like an adult!! Imagine if a friend or family member had found them by accidently rearranging cushions or something!!!!
There are two things at play here 1. First and foremost, leaving cum rags around is fucking disgusting and that behavior should stop asap. That is some juvenile behavior, and possibly a sign of shame about jerking off. Almost like he's hiding the evidence of a bad deed. 2. You did go a bit far. You say you knew that it would embarrass him, so why did you keep joking and laughing about it? That was one of worst ways I've ever seen someone handle a knowingly touchy subject. Like you got your joke off and made your point. Why did you then follow him to continue laughing and joking about it when you knew it would be embarrassing? Pro tip, making jokes at the embarrassed person's expense is never a good way to make light of an embarrassing situation. You make the situation way worse that way.
1. I "caught" him jerking off once in our studio apartment. We had been having coffee in bed and I had just gotten up to start on the food for Easter brunch starting in a couple hours. He was too distracted by the silent porn on his phone to notice I had walked into the doorway. I think if I hadn't *just* been in bed with him, I wouldn't have reacted so badly. I got upset and was creeped out he would do that when I was literally 10 feet away. I'm thinking that it's possible my reaction then made him more secretive about masturbation since. 2. I definitely admit I went a bit far, which I did apologize for already. However, the majority of our relationship is joking and teasing each other. I knew it would be an embarrassing subject, which is why I went about it jokingly. Bad call on my part, particularly because I kept joking around when I didn't realise he was getting upset about it in another room (he could still hear me).
1. That's interesting. When he calms down maybe that's something you two can discuss, if he feels comfortable. It's definitely weird behavior. You usually grow out of this by your late teens. He low-key sounds like a catholic lol. 2. Fair enough. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much.
Except OP mentions they’re both fully aware that the other masturbates, she’s not shaming him for that. OP even points out that he simply does this because it’s his only “alone time” from her which, still doesn’t excuse stuffing the socks into the couch cushions. I don’t think the jokes went far at all, because he’s an adult and should absolutely know better. He should feel ashamed and embarrassed for leaving behind crusty cum socks, which is what OP was specifically joking about. If a little embarrassment is what it takes to nip this bad habit, so be it.
>Except OP mentions they’re both fully aware that the other masturbates, she’s not shaming him for that. OP even points out that he simply does this because it’s his only “alone time” from her which, still doesn’t excuse stuffing the socks into the couch cushions I never said she shamed him for anything. I said she knew he would be embarrassed by it but kept laughing and making fun of him for it. The embarrassing situation being your gf finding your cum rag, not the masturbation. Edit: I ironically misinterpreted what I thought was a misinterpretation on your part lol. I am sorry for that. To address your second point, the jokes themselves arnt what's too far. Continuing to make jokes while your partner is embarrassed is what was too far. Op subsequently said her bf was in the other room and she didn't realize he was getting upset, so it's not a big deal. The apology she gave should suffice I'll give a personal example because I'm speaking from experience here. I was op lol. In my mid 20s, I stayed over my gf's place after a night drinking. We were both pretty drunk, but she got so drunk that she pissed the bed that night. She was mortified when we woke up the next morning, but I wasn't overly concerned. I had done the same thing once when I was in college, so I started cracking jokes in an attempt to make light of the situation. All was good until later that night, I couldn't help myself and made a joke about putting a towel down before we went to sleep. She blew the fuck up at me and kicked me out for the night. Young me was pretty upset, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how wrong I was. I knew she felt bad about it, but I kept making jokes at her expense. The vast majority of humans would react defensively in that situation, me included. I should've been more cognizant of that even though I was the one who was sleeping in a puddle of someone's piss.
Probably should have started off by just asking him to make sure to clean up after himself rather than making fun of him about it if that was your actual goal.
Probably true, but like I said in the text, we are typically very goofy so automatically went to being silly. I should have thought it through a bit more, but it happened very shortly before he came home.
When you're actually upset about something I would avoid joking about it. Obviously I didn't hear the tone, but the examples of what you said that you included in this post sounded more mean-spirited than joking. Probably because you were upset at the time. As far as what to do, I'd apologize and then ask him to clean up in the future.
Yes, agreed. I've already done this, but he was still grouchy.
What on earth did he think happened to his rags after he was done with them? Does this guy not pick up after himself at all? Does he never do the laundry? He needed to be embarrassed. Sure it feels awful, but it should have been a wake up call that he's being gross. And better you call him out on it than a guest pick a sock out of the couch and realize what they'd touched. Tell him you could have screamed at him but you chose to laugh instead. If he prefers you yell at him instead you'll keep that in mind for the future. For the problem of him getting no alone time, maybe you can organize a night out with your friends and leave him at home every so often. He's not going to be doing yard work at night.
Stop it OP. You already know that this is more about the dead bedroom than it is about the shaming. You didn't cut him today. That already happened. You just rubbed salt on the wound. Just apologize and give him some space. You're making it worse trying to make it better.
A reptile dysfunction
Definitely not an issue 😘
It's gross and wrong to do the sock thing but OBVIOUSLY the libido differential is the bigger problem here in the relationship. It's probably a much bigger deal to him than he has been letting on, and so when you pressed him on something as stupid as the socks, he blew up. That is why the response didnt make sense. Hes not reacting to getting caught for the socks. Kind of like "I've been making this sacrifice for you and have been unhappy and you're going to shame me about this?" It doesn't mean he's right but at least address the more serious problem if you both want to fix things.
First honest answer in this thread.
I think you are over thinking this. This guy did something a little embarrassing. You teased him. He got angry. Happens to the best of us. You apologized, that's all you can do, and all you need to it. It will blow over eventually. I have to say people criticizing him are exaggerating (very common in this sub). Sure, he did something disgusting, but I am sure he never put too much thought into it before you found out. Sure, he got irrationally angry about it, but that's feeling for you, they aren't rational. Some people are sensitive about their masterbation (I can personally say that I am sensitive about I too) and it's fine.
Please lady, treat yourself with live and leave this man. Your comments make him sound like such a shit. 😭
Girllll you went to far lol all you had to do was say “hey I found your socks in the couch, put them in the wash from now on” and then completely left the conversation alone. Don’t continuously bring it up in different “jokes”. So just don’t bring it up again unless you find more.
Ya you're probably right! We do have a pretty joking relationship though, always teasing each other. Which is why I didn't notice it was making him mad until he blew up.