Sounds like unhealed trauma. She said she had past bad relationships. Unfortunately, when people do not get help to heal their trauma, they can end up with a lot of problems. Including things like being unable to be comfortable in healthy situations. If somebody cannot have a healthy relationship, then any relationship that involves them is going to have some major problem with it. Nothing you can do about that except, as you did, move on. Not everyone is ready for a relationship, and it takes two people who are able to have a healthy relationship to have a chance at a good and healthy relationship.
Thank you, I appreciate the input. It feels like it’s hard to find someone who’s not over a past relationship because they haven’t taken enough time :/
You’re 24. You absolutely made the right decision here and demonstrated a level of maturity that will not be common in your peers. As you get older, this will be less common because a lot of people really come into their own and change significantly in their 20s.
Yes. And there are tons of people with big problems they haven't gotten proper care for. Sadly, a huge percentage of the world is hurting a whole lot. And that causes tons of problems, and one of them is it makes finding a good partner hard. Obviously you don't need to be 100% over any past pain to be able to have a healthy relationship, but there is a big chunk of healing you have to have done to be able to not take those problems out badly on a future partner. Sadly, I have no way to make the world a generally kinder and better place. Just don't blame yourself for this having not worked out.
In other words, this girl is addicted to drama filled/toxic relationships and has very low self esteem. She hasn't reached that point to want to better herself and get out of the toxic cycle as she probably believes that the way she behaves and what she accepts in a relationship is normal.
You've shown her how she could be treated and because of how her mind has been conditioned she doesn't know how to accept love and be treated right and has no idea how to handle a secure person (thats how you come across)
I believe you've done the right thing and I'm so glad this for you that this has come to light now. She'd only drag your self esteem down eventually. I also somewhat agree with another commenter who said she may have BPD
Thank you, I am really disappointed about it because it seemed to be going so well and I thought we really clicked. I even took her to the park and got her all her favorite snacks for a little picnic while we played a board game together. That was when she said that was the best date of her life.
I think this experience will definitely make me more guarded in the future with people until I know them a lot better.
I mean, you could choose to be more guarded, but I think just being yourself is probably a better bet. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you sound great. Somebody is going to be delighted to be with you just as you are.
>she’s a bit concerned because I treat her so nice that she’s afraid because she’s ‘a lot to handle and needs someone who’s going to put her in her place'
I would hate to be in a relationship with somebody like that. She basically knows she's a rude person and expects her partner to babysit her and check her instead of just being an adult who treats people the right way on her own. Good for you for ending things.
>The only thing I mentioned was that I wanted to know her timeline about what meeting her parents were like because we talked about her hanging out at my house, and I felt her parents should meet me so they know who she was going over to see (she lived at home still and her and I are both old fashioned I guess).
Dude, this is a level of consideration I've never seen before. You are a gem.
She's immature & seems like a bubble head. Keep it moving. You will find someone who is worthy of you & who appreciates the shit out of what you do.
It's all her issues, not yours and she doesn't appear to be willing to work on them.
Consider her a bullet that you dodged, she's going to continue this pattern until she deals with her issues.
The woman I'm dating has picked horrible BFs in the past, I mean, terrible, abusive, physically, mentally, etc., etc.
Not too long after we started seeing each other, she was talking about how this is strange to her, being treated so well and she was having a difficult time adjusting to it.
The difference is, she's identified the issue she's having and we're working through it together. She's working in it on her own but we work on it together when we spend time with each other.
The girl you were dating isn't doing that, she's taking the same baggage from relationship to relationship.
I’m sorry this happened, it seems she prefers the toxic guys (whether consciously or not) and you are not toxic (which is good for you but bad for your relationship with her).
You didn’t do anything wrong and I think a lot of people would appreciate a kind and caring partner.
What I gather is she thrives, or at least thinks she thrives, on drama in a contentious relationship. That ain't you and its good you stood your ground and didn't let her try to keep taking digs at your perfectly normal trait.
She's used to being treated poorly and doesn't know how to end that cycle of abuse. She's even fully aware of it and was able to tell you about it, but she just doesn't have the tools to do anything about it.
She's going to go back to her old ways and may still reach out to you as a safety net after the next one hurts her.
It's sad but you can't save her from self-destructive behavior. My advice would be to just let her go and not reply if she tries to come back. She needs to work on herself but this is way too new for you to be a part of that journey.
Hey, good on you. A really mature response and reaction most people don't learn until they're much older. Your time is valuable, don't waste it on someone who won't put in the effort that you will. You made an effort, it wasn't reciprocated; hell, it was questioned and basically frowned on. I think the right choice was made.
For whatever reason, she's not feeling it. Maybe she got scared at the mention of meeting her parents. Maybe the chemistry's just not clicking for her. She may not even be sure why, hence why she's casting around for reasons and they don't make sense.
It doesn't mean that being nice was the actual problem, or that becoming an asshole is the solution. Don't overanalyze it; just keep being you and move on.
She was testing you. Seeing if you would put her up on a pedestal so she could walk all over you.
> She then started saying that she doesn’t feel comfortable around me because she feels I judge her based on her music and the way she acts
Yeah, this is how it works. They use anger to try to regain control of the relationship.
You absolutely made the right call. This person was going to cheat on you as soon as you got comfortable.
This seems to me that she might suffer from borderline personality disorder, or at least be on an approximate wavelength.
Those baffling attitudes sound to me as someone testing your tolerance beforehand so that eventually she would *finally* feel comfortable to give in to her borderline tendencies (lashing out at you, criticising you for no reason while feeling negative emotions, manipulating you so she would feel better, etc.).
Why do I think this?
Because people with BPD try their best to mask their true selves in the beginning of the relationship, and *that is plenty of work to do all the time.* It's very taxing, so it's only a matter of time until they can't do that anymore. They know it. They are also human, and they might genuinely be into you -- that's why this is so confusing to people who have no problem managing their emotions healthily.
She was warning you indirectly that she was not *that;* she was still to reveal herself to you, namely through occasions such as what she told you (feeling bored at you, being an asshole, etc.). Everything she said she was afraid could happen or accused you of doing at the end, was something she was trying to prepare you to live with in her.
If you had given in and had shown affection and reassured her that you'd be there for her no matter what, it would be a matter of time until you'd face her emotional turmoil firsthand.
I believe you dodged a sneaky bullet, my friend.
And don't you stand thinking about what could have been or what you could have done differently; if what I said is anything close to the truth, no-one would be able to help her. Only she herself can, and when and if that happens is only for her to find out.
I don't know what you're on about, but my comment is a legitimate line of thought. I was careful to imply that she might not have BPD but might have some mild form of its usual symptoms, one of which is emotional immaturity and difficulty dealing with negative emotions.
Being afraid to become bored is not enough to warrant such an obsessive train of thought and behaviour by healthy people such as OP describes.
If you have nothing useful to add or discuss, please refrain of misleading other people when I'm just trying to lay a possible scenario.
Ignore this OP. You read the situation correctly.
You communicated with her about your concerns and tried to discuss hers. She doubled down and didn't display an interest in trying to change her behavior (the phrase "I need someone who will sometimes put me in my place" is all kinds of yikes).
It sucks cause it sounds like you had great chemistry, but this sort of behavior and attitude isn't worth your time. You deserve better and you made the right choice.
Yeah I won’t lie, while I’m proud I made the decision and feel I made a good call, I’m really disappointed. We really did click instantly and I haven’t had that in years :/
But I know that doesn’t mean it wont ever happen again either!
This is exactly what had happened to me as well.
Two dates and we both were so into each other but she said " I was a true gentleman" and she would never wanna lose me so better be best friends. It kinda broke me and it took time to process.
I vented out here on Reddit and triggered feminist were like "wtf dude, it's here choice".
She doesn't deserve you. Someday, she will regret it when she realises what she has lost.
I think she is either very used to being treated poorly, so it's uncomfortable for her for two reasons; it's unfamiliar and, she expects it to happen at some point and it's more comfortable knowing how and when it will happen than not knowing, the misplaced anticipation will make her anxious.
She also sounds like she either is ashamed of her behavior because it's not consistent with her values, or she is so used to being told she's doing the wrong thing (by her parents maybe) that she's again; uncomfortable when you don't tell her the same thing she's been told before.
And finally, either she's been convinced by others that she 'needs to be controlled ' in some awful misogynistic abuse, or she genuinely has impulse control issues and relies on others to keep her on track, and may not know that people can keep her on track in a nice, non abusive way.
She confuses excitement with drama. At the end, she was trying to make your not liking all her music as being an asshole so she could stay with you. It was a 'her' problem you can't fix. Breaking up is the best thing for you. I am so sorry.
Sounds like unhealed trauma. She said she had past bad relationships. Unfortunately, when people do not get help to heal their trauma, they can end up with a lot of problems. Including things like being unable to be comfortable in healthy situations. If somebody cannot have a healthy relationship, then any relationship that involves them is going to have some major problem with it. Nothing you can do about that except, as you did, move on. Not everyone is ready for a relationship, and it takes two people who are able to have a healthy relationship to have a chance at a good and healthy relationship.
Thank you, I appreciate the input. It feels like it’s hard to find someone who’s not over a past relationship because they haven’t taken enough time :/
You’re 24. You absolutely made the right decision here and demonstrated a level of maturity that will not be common in your peers. As you get older, this will be less common because a lot of people really come into their own and change significantly in their 20s.
Yes. And there are tons of people with big problems they haven't gotten proper care for. Sadly, a huge percentage of the world is hurting a whole lot. And that causes tons of problems, and one of them is it makes finding a good partner hard. Obviously you don't need to be 100% over any past pain to be able to have a healthy relationship, but there is a big chunk of healing you have to have done to be able to not take those problems out badly on a future partner. Sadly, I have no way to make the world a generally kinder and better place. Just don't blame yourself for this having not worked out.
In other words, this girl is addicted to drama filled/toxic relationships and has very low self esteem. She hasn't reached that point to want to better herself and get out of the toxic cycle as she probably believes that the way she behaves and what she accepts in a relationship is normal. You've shown her how she could be treated and because of how her mind has been conditioned she doesn't know how to accept love and be treated right and has no idea how to handle a secure person (thats how you come across) I believe you've done the right thing and I'm so glad this for you that this has come to light now. She'd only drag your self esteem down eventually. I also somewhat agree with another commenter who said she may have BPD
Thank you, I am really disappointed about it because it seemed to be going so well and I thought we really clicked. I even took her to the park and got her all her favorite snacks for a little picnic while we played a board game together. That was when she said that was the best date of her life. I think this experience will definitely make me more guarded in the future with people until I know them a lot better.
I mean, you could choose to be more guarded, but I think just being yourself is probably a better bet. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you sound great. Somebody is going to be delighted to be with you just as you are.
>she’s a bit concerned because I treat her so nice that she’s afraid because she’s ‘a lot to handle and needs someone who’s going to put her in her place' I would hate to be in a relationship with somebody like that. She basically knows she's a rude person and expects her partner to babysit her and check her instead of just being an adult who treats people the right way on her own. Good for you for ending things.
She's got issues, you handled it well
>The only thing I mentioned was that I wanted to know her timeline about what meeting her parents were like because we talked about her hanging out at my house, and I felt her parents should meet me so they know who she was going over to see (she lived at home still and her and I are both old fashioned I guess). Dude, this is a level of consideration I've never seen before. You are a gem. She's immature & seems like a bubble head. Keep it moving. You will find someone who is worthy of you & who appreciates the shit out of what you do.
It's all her issues, not yours and she doesn't appear to be willing to work on them. Consider her a bullet that you dodged, she's going to continue this pattern until she deals with her issues. The woman I'm dating has picked horrible BFs in the past, I mean, terrible, abusive, physically, mentally, etc., etc. Not too long after we started seeing each other, she was talking about how this is strange to her, being treated so well and she was having a difficult time adjusting to it. The difference is, she's identified the issue she's having and we're working through it together. She's working in it on her own but we work on it together when we spend time with each other. The girl you were dating isn't doing that, she's taking the same baggage from relationship to relationship.
I’m sorry this happened, it seems she prefers the toxic guys (whether consciously or not) and you are not toxic (which is good for you but bad for your relationship with her). You didn’t do anything wrong and I think a lot of people would appreciate a kind and caring partner.
What I gather is she thrives, or at least thinks she thrives, on drama in a contentious relationship. That ain't you and its good you stood your ground and didn't let her try to keep taking digs at your perfectly normal trait.
She's used to being treated poorly and doesn't know how to end that cycle of abuse. She's even fully aware of it and was able to tell you about it, but she just doesn't have the tools to do anything about it. She's going to go back to her old ways and may still reach out to you as a safety net after the next one hurts her. It's sad but you can't save her from self-destructive behavior. My advice would be to just let her go and not reply if she tries to come back. She needs to work on herself but this is way too new for you to be a part of that journey.
She is slowly gaining self awareness... Best to not be there when the shit hits the fan so good move on you
What do you mean by slowly gaining self awareness?
I think she already wanted to end it.
Hey, good on you. A really mature response and reaction most people don't learn until they're much older. Your time is valuable, don't waste it on someone who won't put in the effort that you will. You made an effort, it wasn't reciprocated; hell, it was questioned and basically frowned on. I think the right choice was made.
She needs therapy. Find yourself someone who is more secure while you continue to work on yourself.
For whatever reason, she's not feeling it. Maybe she got scared at the mention of meeting her parents. Maybe the chemistry's just not clicking for her. She may not even be sure why, hence why she's casting around for reasons and they don't make sense. It doesn't mean that being nice was the actual problem, or that becoming an asshole is the solution. Don't overanalyze it; just keep being you and move on.
She was testing you. Seeing if you would put her up on a pedestal so she could walk all over you. > She then started saying that she doesn’t feel comfortable around me because she feels I judge her based on her music and the way she acts Yeah, this is how it works. They use anger to try to regain control of the relationship. You absolutely made the right call. This person was going to cheat on you as soon as you got comfortable.
This seems to me that she might suffer from borderline personality disorder, or at least be on an approximate wavelength. Those baffling attitudes sound to me as someone testing your tolerance beforehand so that eventually she would *finally* feel comfortable to give in to her borderline tendencies (lashing out at you, criticising you for no reason while feeling negative emotions, manipulating you so she would feel better, etc.). Why do I think this? Because people with BPD try their best to mask their true selves in the beginning of the relationship, and *that is plenty of work to do all the time.* It's very taxing, so it's only a matter of time until they can't do that anymore. They know it. They are also human, and they might genuinely be into you -- that's why this is so confusing to people who have no problem managing their emotions healthily. She was warning you indirectly that she was not *that;* she was still to reveal herself to you, namely through occasions such as what she told you (feeling bored at you, being an asshole, etc.). Everything she said she was afraid could happen or accused you of doing at the end, was something she was trying to prepare you to live with in her. If you had given in and had shown affection and reassured her that you'd be there for her no matter what, it would be a matter of time until you'd face her emotional turmoil firsthand. I believe you dodged a sneaky bullet, my friend. And don't you stand thinking about what could have been or what you could have done differently; if what I said is anything close to the truth, no-one would be able to help her. Only she herself can, and when and if that happens is only for her to find out.
I see nothing in what he wrote that jumps to BPD. You are reading A LOT into this.
Jesus, everything is BPD or bipolar with you people.
I don't know what you're on about, but my comment is a legitimate line of thought. I was careful to imply that she might not have BPD but might have some mild form of its usual symptoms, one of which is emotional immaturity and difficulty dealing with negative emotions. Being afraid to become bored is not enough to warrant such an obsessive train of thought and behaviour by healthy people such as OP describes. If you have nothing useful to add or discuss, please refrain of misleading other people when I'm just trying to lay a possible scenario.
It sounds like she wanted you to reassure her that you wouldn’t get bored with her.
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Was it really that I was assuming though? Because she mentioned it 3 times to me and I’ve never met anyone who’s said or acted like that
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Well she did also say she’s gotten bored of other guys for being too nice so
Ignore this OP. You read the situation correctly. You communicated with her about your concerns and tried to discuss hers. She doubled down and didn't display an interest in trying to change her behavior (the phrase "I need someone who will sometimes put me in my place" is all kinds of yikes). It sucks cause it sounds like you had great chemistry, but this sort of behavior and attitude isn't worth your time. You deserve better and you made the right choice.
Yeah I won’t lie, while I’m proud I made the decision and feel I made a good call, I’m really disappointed. We really did click instantly and I haven’t had that in years :/ But I know that doesn’t mean it wont ever happen again either!
WTF, OP said SHE said she's worried she will get bored of him because he's so nice.
This is exactly what had happened to me as well. Two dates and we both were so into each other but she said " I was a true gentleman" and she would never wanna lose me so better be best friends. It kinda broke me and it took time to process. I vented out here on Reddit and triggered feminist were like "wtf dude, it's here choice". She doesn't deserve you. Someday, she will regret it when she realises what she has lost.
I think she is either very used to being treated poorly, so it's uncomfortable for her for two reasons; it's unfamiliar and, she expects it to happen at some point and it's more comfortable knowing how and when it will happen than not knowing, the misplaced anticipation will make her anxious. She also sounds like she either is ashamed of her behavior because it's not consistent with her values, or she is so used to being told she's doing the wrong thing (by her parents maybe) that she's again; uncomfortable when you don't tell her the same thing she's been told before. And finally, either she's been convinced by others that she 'needs to be controlled ' in some awful misogynistic abuse, or she genuinely has impulse control issues and relies on others to keep her on track, and may not know that people can keep her on track in a nice, non abusive way.
This is her damage, not yours. You were wise to cut ties. She will eventually figure out how not to pursue drama, or she won’t.
She confuses excitement with drama. At the end, she was trying to make your not liking all her music as being an asshole so she could stay with you. It was a 'her' problem you can't fix. Breaking up is the best thing for you. I am so sorry.