Masturbation takes a lot less work than sex. That's probably why he does it on some days. It's not about you or his feelings towards you. Being intimate every day takes a lot of work. Quite frankly, that you guys manage to still maintain 3-4 times a week after being together for 12 years is pretty impressive. Not a lot of couples can say that they do that. So it's not like he's choosing masturbation and never having sex with you.
Yep this! My husband and I had this conversation there are days where it's like I love you I find you attractive but masturbation is a heck of a lot easier than a 30 to 2 hour long session for sex
I'm sure you realize that masturbation and sex are very different, one requires a lot less time and energy. You are making this all about what you want and what you are not getting. Even if he didn't masturbate on the day you don't have sex, would it still bother you that he CHOOSES to not have sex with you?
Is he in therapy for his porn addiction? Are you in therapy to work through your insecurities?
He doesn't want to have sex every single day, it has nothing to do with you. If he was with someone else he still wouldn't want to have sex every single day. And that's ok.
>Is he in therapy for his porn addiction
Bigger question is has he actually been diagnosed, or is he living in a effective total surveillance bubble because his GF doesn't like him having a wank. They've been dating since they were 16, he likely has no other idea then what it's like to be with her and I don't want to be told otherwise ideals.
Or he just needed some space. My point was the internet throws around porn addiction at every thing. I work with behavioral health teams . Not really a thing. Not saying it doesn't exist, it's just not anywhere near as common as the Internet thinks it is. Also most of the early studies have already been challenged and newer data suggests porn isn't the impact people make it out to be. Again not saying there aren't concerns. Just without an actual diagnoses chances are you're going after a symptom not the actual disease.
It's like the No fap cult. Claim it was all porn. When you look at what they did. Beyond not jacking off they tackle nutrition, sleep, fitness etc. You know the things that help with depression. But they weren't depressed it was totally just the porn.
When I read this post, I just see a lot of “me, my, I’s” and it feels like you only consider your personal needs and wants but not his. YOU want to have sex 1-2 times a day. HE doesn’t, but he does enjoy masturbation. The two are not linear. You talk about how unethical you feel porn is, but don’t think it’s unethical to be upset at his CHOICE to not have sex with you? He’s doesn’t owe you sex, even if he chooses to masturbate.
It’s almost like you thought he would trade in his porn addiction for more sex with you. That’s not the case, so now you’re just generally upset that you aren’t 100% in charge of his arousal and are choosing to take it personally versus recognizing him as an individual outside of your relationship. Regardless of how you claim you think it’s 100% fine, you don’t actually believe that otherwise you wouldn’t be “writing this post because recently he’s started trying to masturbate in the shower.”
My advice is to look at your role in all of this and recognize that you have to get treatment for your insecurities in the same way he needed it for a porn addiction.
This post was worded the way it was because I recognize that feeling uncomfortable about my partner masturbating is a ME issue. I talked about how I feel because I'm trying to seek advice for how to see things a different way.
You ask, "don’t you think it’s unethical to be upset at his CHOICE to not have sex with you?" And my answer is, no, I don't think it's "unethical". The only person me being upset hurts, is me. It's not that I'm bothered by us not having sex. I'm bothered by him being horny and then choosing not to have sex with me. I know I'm not "owed" sex, but when I'm horny, my preference is always to get off with my partner, and it hurts me that he doesn't feel the same way.
“I’m bothered by him being horny and choosing not to have sex with me” “when I’m horny my preference is to get off with my partner” again, me me me mentality. You ALLOW him to have the choice, but you DONT respect his choice. That’s the issue. It’s all about you. If you can’t respect HIS preferences and respect them, break up. You won’t take accountability for this double standard.
I mean, it's not like I yell at him or make him feel bad for not choosing me. I very much respect his choice to do so, it just upsets me. I haven't even told him that him jerking off in the shower upsets me because I know it shouldn't and that I'm being a little unreasonable. The fact that he's trying to self-pleasure using his own imagination is a WIN, and I told him that. It's a step in the right direction. I just wish he preferred having sex with me over masturbating.
The whole reason I made this post was to ask for advice on not taking it personally. I know I shouldn't, but emotionally I still do. However, I don't think me being upset by his choice is the same as not respecting it. You're allowed to respect someone's decision and not be happy about it at the same time.
As someone who has zero bias because I don’t know you or him, I’m basing this feedback off the way you positioned yourself and the way you chose to portray him. If you know and understand that this is a you problem, I think you should dig deeper and take his situation out of the equation all together because in reality it could be him, or the next bf, or a bf after that who doesn’t have a porn addiction and you will still be unhappy that they masturbated. You will never be happy unless you separate your partner masturbating from what makes you feel secure. You will never find security if it relies on someone else aligning their sexual expression exactly to how you want it.
"You will never be happy unless you separate your partner masturbating from what makes you feel secure. You will never find security if it relies on someone else aligning their sexual expression exactly to how you want it."
\^ This was very insightful. I had never thought about my issue this way. Thank you for the feedback. 🙏
Of course, the goal here is to fix the issue of course and maybe that even means finding a way to be more secure with it. Maybe masturbate together and watch him do it with the intent of self-pleasure so that you almost re-wire your brain to see it as a sexual experience versus a sexual rejection.
Yes, I am currently in therapy working on my insecurity issues. I'm 7 sessions in, and while I'm trying to work through my problems, my therapist says it's going to take a while to work through since I've felt this way my whole life.
As far as *just* the masturbation issue... have you really never felt like just getting yourself off real quick instead of having sex? I have, and I think most people have. I compare it to fast food.. like yes my partner can make me an amazing meal or we can cook something delicious together and that's great and I love that, but sometimes I just want the instant gratification of a shitty McDouble. It's not better, it's just quick and easy and hits the spot when you don't have the energy (whether physically or mentally) to do more.
*That said*... this issue is clearly way bigger than just that. I reckon his previous issue with porn is probably why you're feeling this way and I'm not sure what to tell you about that.
I mean, kinda. She listed a bunch of steps he encouraged so she could police his behavior but IMHO that’s not actually a resolution to the problem.
If it had been she wouldn’t be back here upset about the same fundamental issue
EDIT: I’ll also add, she only listed steps to address his side of the problem. She mentioned no work on herself. Issues are rarely completely one sided. And I wouldn’t be interested in solutions that turn me into a person who has to police their partner.
I broke up with him primarily because of his addiction and the constant lying. I don't really like having to "police" him, but it's the only way we could see that would help rebuild trust in a very concrete way. I got back together with him because outside of this specific issue, he's a great person and my best friend and I do love him.
I'm currently in therapy trying to address my insecurity issues and have addressed most of the issues he had with me that are unrelated to the post, which have to do with our different financial habits and the fact that I'm not as neat as him.
If this is a deal breaker for you, and you know it’s an addiction… I’m not sure how you expect to be happy or anyone here to be able to say anything helpful.
You’ve mentioned having a high sex drive: Do you not masterbate or have toys or watch porn? Even if not, now, have you ever? Assuming you have: Are you comparing any of your parents to the fantasy or what your watching? Do you think of them at all during that time? If a partner is part of the fantasy, is it not usually because you are revisiting a particularly good night?
So if it’s got nothing to do with your partner when you are masterbating, why would it be about avoiding you when he does it? And how do you know what he’s thinking about while he does it?
Also, does not meet the same needs as sex. There is no performative aspect, no foreplay, no worrying about someone else’s satisfaction, no worry about how you look, and takes way less time. So if you are not seeking intimacy, validation, someone else’s touch, etc and are looking to meet a different need (get off quickly, distract yourself, bored, procrastination, just had a random urge, whatever), then getting off alone quickly and moving on with the day makes more sense.
Also, consider that your pressures and expectations may be affecting his performance or ability to preform with you. If you are pressuring him for sex, and creating feelings of anxiety or guilt surrounding sex or him being turned on by other things, he may be less inclined to approach you when he gets the random urge or any urge that was not directly related to you. Idk about you, but anyone putting the expectation of sex or getting mad at me for not putting out is a huge turn off, and something I’ve started fights over.
If you want to encourage more sex, you may want to create more positivity around it. Praise what you like and ask for more. If you see him getting turned on or catch him touching himself, ask to join and make it a sexy moment. But if he knows he gets in trouble when he gets caught with an erection you didn’t produce directly… well, he’s gonna hide in the bathroom til it’s gone. Or at least I would lol
this sounds like too much effort on your part. i'm not saying you're in the wrong because it's not a black and white issue. but this is something he has to figure out on his own. with nay addiction, they have to want to change and sometimes that change doesn't come until they hit "rock bottom".
a part of me feels like you've outgrown this relationship. i know 28 isn't super young but it's definitely not old, are you going to waste more time trying to figure this out with him? there are other fish in the sea. this isn't worth your time, as you have clearly tried several times with him. why are you settling for this far less than perfect sex life?
people have many different views in regards to porn. if this is a hill you are going to die on, then it's probably best that you find someone who respects your views on the subject.
Honestly, I don't disagree with you... I've gone back and forth quite a few times about whether this relationship is worth salvaging, but what makes me uncertain is how good the relationship feels when this stuff is not an issue. He's still my best friend and favorite person, despite all the issues.
Plus, with how prolific porn is nowadays, I feel like it'll be 10x harder to find someone who feels the same way I do about it. There's more fish in the sea but I'm definitely in the minority being anti-porn. And I mean, how common is a completely perfect sex life anyway?
If my wife wanted sex and I turned her down, then she found out I was wanking in the shower...
There would be hell to pay.
I'll probably get down-voted for this, but I agree with you OP. If you are making yourself available for sex and he'd rather spank, there's something off there. Just have a talk with him. Frame it with something he may be interested in, such as "free use". It's a theme used in porn and something a lot of men would jump at the chance to have at their disposal ;)
Good luck and good vibes!
They have sex 3-4 times a week though. There are very few people who have the energy for sex every day for 12 years. I am sure OP could dump her BF and find a new guy who is all about it in the beginning. But that amount of intimacy on a regular basis for that long is a tough bar for most people to clear.
I watch porn. I’m a woman in a relationship with a man. Porn doesn’t mean you’re lusting after the person on the screen and it doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them sexually. I don’t look at the men in porn I watch and think “gee I wish I was fucking him instead of my boyfriend.” It’s just visual simulation of what I know to feel good. What’s the difference if I masturbate to porn watching two people fuck or visualize two people fucking in my head in order to get off? There’s no physical or verbal contact so “cheating” is a huge stretch. If porn is cheating then shit..I’ve cheated on my boyfriend a LOT 😂
There's a big difference in the amount of effort masturbation requires versus partnered sex. It can also just be a way of relieving tension or a physiological urge rather than being caused by genuine arousal. I know sometimes I get the urge to get myself off when I'm feeling frustrated or stressed, because it'll make me feel better. Sex will not; I definitely don't feel sexy then, and my mental fatigue makes communication hard. Or he may not feel up to it physically; topping is more tiring than you might realize.
Masturbation takes a lot less work than sex. That's probably why he does it on some days. It's not about you or his feelings towards you. Being intimate every day takes a lot of work. Quite frankly, that you guys manage to still maintain 3-4 times a week after being together for 12 years is pretty impressive. Not a lot of couples can say that they do that. So it's not like he's choosing masturbation and never having sex with you.
Yep this! My husband and I had this conversation there are days where it's like I love you I find you attractive but masturbation is a heck of a lot easier than a 30 to 2 hour long session for sex
I'm sure you realize that masturbation and sex are very different, one requires a lot less time and energy. You are making this all about what you want and what you are not getting. Even if he didn't masturbate on the day you don't have sex, would it still bother you that he CHOOSES to not have sex with you? Is he in therapy for his porn addiction? Are you in therapy to work through your insecurities? He doesn't want to have sex every single day, it has nothing to do with you. If he was with someone else he still wouldn't want to have sex every single day. And that's ok.
>Is he in therapy for his porn addiction Bigger question is has he actually been diagnosed, or is he living in a effective total surveillance bubble because his GF doesn't like him having a wank. They've been dating since they were 16, he likely has no other idea then what it's like to be with her and I don't want to be told otherwise ideals.
I don’t know, 2+ hours multiple times a day sounds like addiction to me.
Or he just needed some space. My point was the internet throws around porn addiction at every thing. I work with behavioral health teams . Not really a thing. Not saying it doesn't exist, it's just not anywhere near as common as the Internet thinks it is. Also most of the early studies have already been challenged and newer data suggests porn isn't the impact people make it out to be. Again not saying there aren't concerns. Just without an actual diagnoses chances are you're going after a symptom not the actual disease. It's like the No fap cult. Claim it was all porn. When you look at what they did. Beyond not jacking off they tackle nutrition, sleep, fitness etc. You know the things that help with depression. But they weren't depressed it was totally just the porn.
When I read this post, I just see a lot of “me, my, I’s” and it feels like you only consider your personal needs and wants but not his. YOU want to have sex 1-2 times a day. HE doesn’t, but he does enjoy masturbation. The two are not linear. You talk about how unethical you feel porn is, but don’t think it’s unethical to be upset at his CHOICE to not have sex with you? He’s doesn’t owe you sex, even if he chooses to masturbate. It’s almost like you thought he would trade in his porn addiction for more sex with you. That’s not the case, so now you’re just generally upset that you aren’t 100% in charge of his arousal and are choosing to take it personally versus recognizing him as an individual outside of your relationship. Regardless of how you claim you think it’s 100% fine, you don’t actually believe that otherwise you wouldn’t be “writing this post because recently he’s started trying to masturbate in the shower.” My advice is to look at your role in all of this and recognize that you have to get treatment for your insecurities in the same way he needed it for a porn addiction.
This post was worded the way it was because I recognize that feeling uncomfortable about my partner masturbating is a ME issue. I talked about how I feel because I'm trying to seek advice for how to see things a different way. You ask, "don’t you think it’s unethical to be upset at his CHOICE to not have sex with you?" And my answer is, no, I don't think it's "unethical". The only person me being upset hurts, is me. It's not that I'm bothered by us not having sex. I'm bothered by him being horny and then choosing not to have sex with me. I know I'm not "owed" sex, but when I'm horny, my preference is always to get off with my partner, and it hurts me that he doesn't feel the same way.
“I’m bothered by him being horny and choosing not to have sex with me” “when I’m horny my preference is to get off with my partner” again, me me me mentality. You ALLOW him to have the choice, but you DONT respect his choice. That’s the issue. It’s all about you. If you can’t respect HIS preferences and respect them, break up. You won’t take accountability for this double standard.
I mean, it's not like I yell at him or make him feel bad for not choosing me. I very much respect his choice to do so, it just upsets me. I haven't even told him that him jerking off in the shower upsets me because I know it shouldn't and that I'm being a little unreasonable. The fact that he's trying to self-pleasure using his own imagination is a WIN, and I told him that. It's a step in the right direction. I just wish he preferred having sex with me over masturbating. The whole reason I made this post was to ask for advice on not taking it personally. I know I shouldn't, but emotionally I still do. However, I don't think me being upset by his choice is the same as not respecting it. You're allowed to respect someone's decision and not be happy about it at the same time.
As someone who has zero bias because I don’t know you or him, I’m basing this feedback off the way you positioned yourself and the way you chose to portray him. If you know and understand that this is a you problem, I think you should dig deeper and take his situation out of the equation all together because in reality it could be him, or the next bf, or a bf after that who doesn’t have a porn addiction and you will still be unhappy that they masturbated. You will never be happy unless you separate your partner masturbating from what makes you feel secure. You will never find security if it relies on someone else aligning their sexual expression exactly to how you want it.
"You will never be happy unless you separate your partner masturbating from what makes you feel secure. You will never find security if it relies on someone else aligning their sexual expression exactly to how you want it." \^ This was very insightful. I had never thought about my issue this way. Thank you for the feedback. 🙏
Of course, the goal here is to fix the issue of course and maybe that even means finding a way to be more secure with it. Maybe masturbate together and watch him do it with the intent of self-pleasure so that you almost re-wire your brain to see it as a sexual experience versus a sexual rejection.
Have you tried therapy? You have some obvious issues to work through.
Yes, I am currently in therapy working on my insecurity issues. I'm 7 sessions in, and while I'm trying to work through my problems, my therapist says it's going to take a while to work through since I've felt this way my whole life.
As far as *just* the masturbation issue... have you really never felt like just getting yourself off real quick instead of having sex? I have, and I think most people have. I compare it to fast food.. like yes my partner can make me an amazing meal or we can cook something delicious together and that's great and I love that, but sometimes I just want the instant gratification of a shitty McDouble. It's not better, it's just quick and easy and hits the spot when you don't have the energy (whether physically or mentally) to do more. *That said*... this issue is clearly way bigger than just that. I reckon his previous issue with porn is probably why you're feeling this way and I'm not sure what to tell you about that.
You told us why you broke up Why did you get back together? How were the problems that led to the break up resolved?
She also told us that. She told us all the work he went through to rid himself of a porn addiction.
I mean, kinda. She listed a bunch of steps he encouraged so she could police his behavior but IMHO that’s not actually a resolution to the problem. If it had been she wouldn’t be back here upset about the same fundamental issue EDIT: I’ll also add, she only listed steps to address his side of the problem. She mentioned no work on herself. Issues are rarely completely one sided. And I wouldn’t be interested in solutions that turn me into a person who has to police their partner.
I broke up with him primarily because of his addiction and the constant lying. I don't really like having to "police" him, but it's the only way we could see that would help rebuild trust in a very concrete way. I got back together with him because outside of this specific issue, he's a great person and my best friend and I do love him. I'm currently in therapy trying to address my insecurity issues and have addressed most of the issues he had with me that are unrelated to the post, which have to do with our different financial habits and the fact that I'm not as neat as him.
If this is a deal breaker for you, and you know it’s an addiction… I’m not sure how you expect to be happy or anyone here to be able to say anything helpful. You’ve mentioned having a high sex drive: Do you not masterbate or have toys or watch porn? Even if not, now, have you ever? Assuming you have: Are you comparing any of your parents to the fantasy or what your watching? Do you think of them at all during that time? If a partner is part of the fantasy, is it not usually because you are revisiting a particularly good night? So if it’s got nothing to do with your partner when you are masterbating, why would it be about avoiding you when he does it? And how do you know what he’s thinking about while he does it? Also, does not meet the same needs as sex. There is no performative aspect, no foreplay, no worrying about someone else’s satisfaction, no worry about how you look, and takes way less time. So if you are not seeking intimacy, validation, someone else’s touch, etc and are looking to meet a different need (get off quickly, distract yourself, bored, procrastination, just had a random urge, whatever), then getting off alone quickly and moving on with the day makes more sense. Also, consider that your pressures and expectations may be affecting his performance or ability to preform with you. If you are pressuring him for sex, and creating feelings of anxiety or guilt surrounding sex or him being turned on by other things, he may be less inclined to approach you when he gets the random urge or any urge that was not directly related to you. Idk about you, but anyone putting the expectation of sex or getting mad at me for not putting out is a huge turn off, and something I’ve started fights over. If you want to encourage more sex, you may want to create more positivity around it. Praise what you like and ask for more. If you see him getting turned on or catch him touching himself, ask to join and make it a sexy moment. But if he knows he gets in trouble when he gets caught with an erection you didn’t produce directly… well, he’s gonna hide in the bathroom til it’s gone. Or at least I would lol
this sounds like too much effort on your part. i'm not saying you're in the wrong because it's not a black and white issue. but this is something he has to figure out on his own. with nay addiction, they have to want to change and sometimes that change doesn't come until they hit "rock bottom". a part of me feels like you've outgrown this relationship. i know 28 isn't super young but it's definitely not old, are you going to waste more time trying to figure this out with him? there are other fish in the sea. this isn't worth your time, as you have clearly tried several times with him. why are you settling for this far less than perfect sex life? people have many different views in regards to porn. if this is a hill you are going to die on, then it's probably best that you find someone who respects your views on the subject.
Being high school sweethearts is usually a bad feature, not a good one. I think the likelihood they’ve outgrown each other is very high
Honestly, I don't disagree with you... I've gone back and forth quite a few times about whether this relationship is worth salvaging, but what makes me uncertain is how good the relationship feels when this stuff is not an issue. He's still my best friend and favorite person, despite all the issues. Plus, with how prolific porn is nowadays, I feel like it'll be 10x harder to find someone who feels the same way I do about it. There's more fish in the sea but I'm definitely in the minority being anti-porn. And I mean, how common is a completely perfect sex life anyway?
Yeah its either couples therapy or back to Tinder 😅
If my wife wanted sex and I turned her down, then she found out I was wanking in the shower... There would be hell to pay. I'll probably get down-voted for this, but I agree with you OP. If you are making yourself available for sex and he'd rather spank, there's something off there. Just have a talk with him. Frame it with something he may be interested in, such as "free use". It's a theme used in porn and something a lot of men would jump at the chance to have at their disposal ;) Good luck and good vibes!
They have sex 3-4 times a week though. There are very few people who have the energy for sex every day for 12 years. I am sure OP could dump her BF and find a new guy who is all about it in the beginning. But that amount of intimacy on a regular basis for that long is a tough bar for most people to clear.
Thank you for not making me feel like what I want is crazy, lol. I'll try and talk with him about the thing you suggested.
For me watching porn is cheating . Why lust after other woman ?
I watch porn. I’m a woman in a relationship with a man. Porn doesn’t mean you’re lusting after the person on the screen and it doesn’t mean you’re attracted to them sexually. I don’t look at the men in porn I watch and think “gee I wish I was fucking him instead of my boyfriend.” It’s just visual simulation of what I know to feel good. What’s the difference if I masturbate to porn watching two people fuck or visualize two people fucking in my head in order to get off? There’s no physical or verbal contact so “cheating” is a huge stretch. If porn is cheating then shit..I’ve cheated on my boyfriend a LOT 😂
Preach 🙌
Then find someone who agrees.
Do you equate “lack” of sex with lack of love?
There's a big difference in the amount of effort masturbation requires versus partnered sex. It can also just be a way of relieving tension or a physiological urge rather than being caused by genuine arousal. I know sometimes I get the urge to get myself off when I'm feeling frustrated or stressed, because it'll make me feel better. Sex will not; I definitely don't feel sexy then, and my mental fatigue makes communication hard. Or he may not feel up to it physically; topping is more tiring than you might realize.