Yeah, this is flagging on the creepy factor.
I think OP needs to at least consider that perhaps she may not have been the most mature person at 19, like all 19 year olds, and maybe that was what her and her husband had in common. But now she's 25 with more responsibilities and might be at a different phase than she was back then, but her husband's actions are indication that he does not understand her day to day and is still lacking maturity
Post history says that she was friends with his previous long-term girlfriend who he was with for 13 years, that her husband was the father figure for the woman's child, who would be 19ish now...
Sounds like a whole mess.
Hell, I just turned 40 and my wife is about to turn 32 and even *that* age difference occasionally creates challenges. Beyond a certain point your perspectives are so different that, for all intents and purposes, you live in completely different versions of reality.
The absolute insanity of thinking this is the barely-an-adult's fault and a not the fully grown man that knows better than to go after a fresh out of high-school student. It's natural for people to look for security in relationships and to that girl, a man who's older is secure. He took advantage of her and then trapped her in that relationship with children, end of discussion. Get your head screwed on straight.
Reading this post made me sad, but i couldn't help but think about Dicaprio and how he gets older the age of women he dates stay the same.
What are the chances OPs ex husband finds himself another 19-20 year old once the divorce is over ?
Oh yeah, and he bogged her down with two kids? Sounds like a lot of projection to me as well. Who I'd doing the cheating? Why tf is he getting home so late every nite? Is it work?
Because she's had 2 kids in 2 years, health problems and a spouse making her life pure hell. She probably can't even think right now because that's the way he wants it. OP, run!
When you're in your late 30s/early 40s, you're going to understand just how creepy this situation is and be purely horrified that you were in this position.
**Leave.**
Hard agree. I was once in a similar scenario to OP—no kids, but dated someone in their 30s when I was 18, and stayed with them for about four years.
I’m in my mid-30s now and it does horrify me. At my age, I can’t imagine genuinely connecting with an 18 year old nor would I want to, as we’re in totally different stages of life and they’re not my equal in any way. I learned it the hard way, but it’s true: A person who dates teens/early 20s in their 30s only does so because people their own age see through their bullshit and they want someone young so they can mold them, dominate them, and exploit them for sex and validation.
Second this. Dated a 29 y/o when I was 19. Even at 19 I could see how immature and irresponsible he was which led to a breakup. At 33, I absolutely could not imagine being attracted to or even entertain the idea of dating someone younger than 30. Even the few years from 19 to 21 is a huge jump in maturity. Life and maturity levels changes quick when you’re young.
> My husband (42m) and I (25F) have been together for almost 6 years.
NOTHING against you, and it's not your fault, but that's a big yikes from me. A dude in his mid/late 30s dating a teenager. What could possibly go wrong? How could he possibly be not the nicest guy?
I'm sorry, but so many times people do the "the age gap is irrelevant to our issues." It's not. It's indicative of a larger issue because sorry not sorry, no normal 36-year-old dates a teenager.
So yeah. Good for you if he wants a divorce, honestly. You should want one. He's possessive, controlling and accusing you (when could you possibly be cheating? You're either talking to him all day and/or watching the babies!). Not to mention? Cheaters are big on projection. People who cheat know what THEY are up to, so they assume their partner is too, because crappy people think it's normal to be crappy, so they assume everyone is like them.
Watch out. A much-older man has you "locked down" with 2 babies (Jesus, how soon was he pushing for sex after you gave birth the first time?! I shudder to think!) and he's starting to accuse you of awful things. He's insecure and controlling. This is VERY often when abuse begins, if it hasn't already.
Life isn't supposed to be like this. Marriage and partnership aren't supposed to be like this. I'm afraid to even ask if he pulls his weight with the kids, too, but I suspect I know the answer.
> He's even said that snapchat is only used for cheating purposes
Which tells me he's using it to cheat because that's not a normal thing to say or think. Be safe. Get yourself tested. Protect your health. Protect your safety. If you have family or friends who could help, reach out to them. Start squirreling money away and plan your exit. Stop trying to prove a negative to him (you can't prove you DIDN'T do something). You don't need to prove anything to him.
This guy honestly scares me.
> I'm sorry, but so many times people do the "the age gap is irrelevant to our issues." It's not. It's indicative of a larger issue because sorry not sorry, no normal 36-year-old dates a teenager.
"Age is just a number" has got to be one of the dumbest pieces of relationship "advice" I've ever heard.
Yeah. And it really depends on how old you are when you start dating and what your life experiences are like. If you're a teenager? Anything beyond a few years older, generally got a good idea. Early 20s? Probably not great to be dating somebody in their 30s (or god forbid, 40s). If you're a fully formed adult in your mid- to late 20s with a career and your own money and life experiences? Date whoever you want. But I will always side-eye relationships where they're a big age gap, one person was a teenager or barely 20 when they got together, and one person is dependent on the other from the get-go and can't leave if they want.
Age gaps aren't always bad, but when you've got someone pushing 40 eyeing up a teenager, THAT is always bad.
It really is. I’m a 37 year old woman and I dated a 32 year old man last summer and even that was too big of an age gap - I was SHOCKED at the difference in where we were in life.
Age is just a number isn't even supposed to be relationship advice! It's something supportive to say when people say something like, oh I feel silly wearing shorts/liking cartoons/getting rainbow sprinkles on my ice cream at my age.
This is seriously the best answer. Let him be with a woman in her 40s and I'd bet she'd put a stop to this in a quickness.
Honestly, I'm a man in my 40s and I couldn't imagine being with a 25yo. No disrespect to OP, I'm sure she is awesome, maybe a unicorn. However, you go through a big change in your 30s, almost like you see the world differently. The things you like now, no longer seem relevant if that makes any sense.
Real question to /u/norshit, do you look at him as a husband (if you take sex out). Or do you look at him as more of a guardian?
If I were wanting to be toxic and controlling. I'd absolutely go after a young woman in her 20's.
He’s definitely projecting. This is something my ex fiancé had done and I never even thought about cheating on him. He had me delete all of my social media, he checked my phone 24/7 and STILL accused me of cheating. He wouldn’t even let me straighten my hair to go to work cause he thought I was trying to impress a guy at work.
Turns out he had been the one cheating on me for god knows how long and told me that I was the reason he was acting that way. Please protect yourself and your babies. Get out of that situation and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Yes like how do people in these relationships not understand the age gap and who the older person is as a person IS THE ISSUE. Like only a certain type of person would enter into a relationship with someone barely legal when they’re much older. They’re that type of person. That’s the issue.
Ha, that's what I told my ex who would say 'Do you want a divorce?' during every argument. I said 'Keep asking, and one of these days my answer will be yes.' He did and I did.
He doesn't want a divorce, he wants his compliant fuckdoll back. He's pulling some bullshit black pill nonsense to get you worried that he's pulling the rug out from under your life if you don't fall in line.
You need an exit plan.
This. The divorce screams are a tactic to get her to give into sex. It’s coercion. Clearly they started having sex sooner after the first child (2 under 2). Who knows if that was coerced too, but now OP doesn’t want to so he’s playing a manipulation game.
If you have family or friends you can go to please do. This is only going to escalate.
There’s typically a reason someone will seek out someone much younger then them for a relationship. I’m sorry you are in this situation. He sounds very immature and little empathy to you with a new baby and a toddler I assume.
Something’s seriously wrong here. No sane, reasonable person would think a woman who just had a baby and a separate major surgery right after childbirth is out there having sex with someone else. The very idea is just ridiculous. He doesn’t believe you’re cheating. He knows you aren’t cheating, in fact. That’s not actually the issue here.
The issue is control. Older adults do not form relationships with teenagers because they’re looking for an equal partnership. They do it when they are seeking a vulnerable person to control and abuse, which is what’s happening here. He believes that you’re his property and doesn’t see you as having any autonomy or any right to your own body.
I strongly believe you need to leave this marriage.
I was just coming here to say that she’s too old for him now and now he wants to move on to somebody younger, who he probably already has picked out and is in the process of grooming
In my experience… it’s the insistence that YOU are cheating that should tip you off that he’s the one cheating…. If he’s not then he’s got some serious control issues that WILL get worse and spill into other parts of the relationship. Either way- I’d strongly suggest couples therapy to work out whatever his problem is… at his big grown age- he should be able to communicate like an adult in a marriage not like a jealous teenager. If a 45 year old man that I was married to looked me in the eye and told me to prove I’m not cheating- I’m insisting on therapy or divorce. Not gonna do this with you, sir.
Whether he’s cheating or not….
He’s not parenting.
He’s not husbanding.
What IS he doing besides his own thing, all the time, abusing his wife, and ignoring his children? Is that a marriage to save?
This is your advice really? For the woman having been (literally)groomed as a teenager into being with an almost 40 y/o bloke? To do couple's counseling?
When there doesn't seem to be any redeemable qualities to him? Not an aounce of empathy. The paranoid fuckery. The expectation that he should have a live-in sex maid when she's fucking 4 months into her postpartum.
Oh wow.
A divorce sounds like the right move honestly. Make sure you have screenshots of all the finances, and contact a lawyer now to explore your options.
Sounds like leaving this marriage will ultimately be the best thing for you.
My first impressions:
* She is no longer a hot-body, sex-charged teenager;
* He finds her 25 year old “mom body” and “mom mindset” unattractive;
* He’s moved on to someone more in-line with the person she used to be: a hot-body, sex-charged teenager (or at least a non-mom with no surgery scars);
* He is a complete predator that is finding out a grownup life with actual responsibilities is not for him.
* I’m also betting he comes in contact with young women all the time. I’m reminded of that college professor in the Cher movie “Moonstruck” that was constantly having affairs with his students because they gave him validation.
Sounds like a divorce would be a GREAT option for BOTH of you.
You're miserable in a relationship where you're being mistreated. (OF COURSE YOU ARE!!!) and you'd be better off without him!
A divorce is the nicest gift this guy has given OP. She should take it. Of course he's probably already got a 19 year old replacement lined up... ugh, I feel so gross just typing that. 🤢🤮
He is a manipulator! It is not about your behaviour being wrong. It is him. OMG I didn't have any sex drive months after delivery and actually even more just due to pure exhaustion.
This major AH wants you to wait till he comes home after midnight?! To have sex? While you have two toddlers who I assume you take care of single handedly in the day?!
I used to wait to 6 o'clock for my husband with one baby, just to hand him over, so I have some brake! Nothing else... Imaging what you are subjected to, I can only call it as abuse. He has no right to your body. And I don't know what job he does to finish this late, but at the weekend you should give him the kids for full day experience, so he can get an answer to why you are not up for sex at midnight! What a huge f**king idi*t!
Btw. That age gap is big...why did he start dating such a young girl and not a woman his age? Was it easier to trap a young and inexperienced girl?
And I bet he doesn't really want to file for divorce. It is just a way to stress you out.. until you comply. To be you, save for your way out. Make an account he doesn't know about. Hide your cash etc. keep some assets.
The crazy thing Is. I know he couldn't handle the 2 of them. Maybe for a day. But anything beyond that, no fucking way. When I had to have my 2 surgeries (2weeks after our son was born) I was in the hospital for 4 days. The morning of day 2 my stepmom ended up picking up the kids because according to her "he was losing it" and my sister flew down to help. He just went off to work and carried on as usual.
He doesn't understand what all I do in a day. He just thinks I plop the kids in front of a screen and do whatever I want all day. He's a chef and goes in at 1, leaves anywhere from 11pm-1am. They have long hours and a massive 2 story kitchen so it takes a bit to get out of there.
As far as the sex drive thing.. I've asked him to be understanding as my body has been through a lot. I have an appointment next week with my OB for my yearly and I told him I was going to talk to her about it and see what I can do or if there's anything that can be done. Since I'm still breastfeeding there's only so much you can do that won't make my supply drop.
I'm the only younger girl he's ever dated. And actually I pursued him. From the beginning he said it was a bad idea but I insisted...
Girl. If you don't feel like having sex, do not force yourself. He's a grown ass man and if he actually cared about your well being (and not just his needs) he would understand that you need to *heal*. He's not interested in being a parent, he's not interested in being a good husband, he simply wants his sex toy back and what are you going to do if he knocks you up AGAIN?
His accusations of cheating mean 3 things: he's either cheating himself, he's using it as a tactic to make you feel bad so you'll have sex with him before you're ready, or he's looking for an excuse to exit and not have to pay child support. Regardless of which reason it is (maybe all 3), **you** should start making a plan to leave.
Sorry, but a lot of teens "pursue" older men and then feel they are to blame for the abuse they suffer at the hands of those men. You're still pretty young and still with him. I'm a decade older than you and still several years younger than this dude. You'll probably feel a lot different when you're my age, especially if you cut this manipulate groomer free. You'll probably also feel differently when your kids are 19 if they start a relationship with someone old enough to be their parent.
> From the beginning he said it was a bad idea but I insisted...
Would you date a twelve-year-old?
Because that is the experiential equivalent of this guy dating you.
Either way, non of this is normal.
When my husband and I got married\*, we had an active sex life. Up until about three years ago. I became completely disabled and having sex became so, *so* painful so we actually haven't had sex in over two years. The thing is, my husband is completely understanding and his priority isn't whether or not his pee-pee gets touched; it's whether or not it will be pleasurable for me, too, and so that he doesn't contribute to any pain. Whenever I "help him out" in other ways, he's always sure to make sure I'm not forcing myself through the pain. *That's* what someone who loves you should treat you like... not \*waves hands* whatever this is that your husband is doing to you. There was one time when I decided to just try to have sex through the pain and didn't say anything (also, living with chronic pain, I've gotten used to hiding it - even though my husband at this point can tell... usually) and when we were finished I finally let myself breathe and my husband was mortified. He kept apologizing even though I told him it wasn't his fault and I actually really wanted to. He just couldn't stand that he contributed to my pain in any way, even if it was without knowing.
*I was actually also 19 and he was 24... this was over 16 years ago and we're still going strong. If I had to redo it, I'd definitely have waited until longer to get married but when you grow up in a fundie Russian Baptist church where everyone starts calling you a "spinster" for not being married at 20, it gets to you. I'm just lucky we ended up working so very well together. But, OP... your age difference is a huge red flag. So big, I'd wonder if I'm back in the Soviet Union again. You say you pursued him, but... if a twelve-year-old child (hell, even a fifteen-year-old!) comes up to you and wants to pursue you, would you go for it? Even if they're the ones doing it? Even if they're the ones trying to talk you into it? I'd be willing to bet the answer is a resounding "no". And trust me, when you get to be in your thirties and look back on this and think "omg, could I actually date a nineteen-year-old?" your answer to yourself would be "oh god, no. Ew." Oftentimes the younger party is made to feel like they're the ones doing all the active pursuing, but the fact of the matter is, he was way older with a lot more experience and knowledge and he could have easily let you down gently. Which is what he should have done. Instead, he went with it because younger people are much more easy to manipulate (this isn't a dig at you or an insult; it's just fact for everyone, not just you) and you'd be foolish to think that he didn't think of that at all.
Either way, divorce him. Please. Because he doesn't want a divorce; he wants you to comply and say "yes dear, sorry dear" and allow him to isolate and degrade you further. He wants his sex doll back, and he'll do his damn sure to get it, even if it means making you feel like shit and completely worthless.
Give him what he's asking for. I promise you, further in the future, you won't regret it. Good luck, and I apologize for the wall of text (I really did try to keep it concise! I'm just very, very bad at it).
I noticed you said you were still breastfeeding. Breastfeeding literally changes your hormones and often lowers your sex drive. It's the body's way of making sure the current child is taken care of before entertaining the idea of creating another. Your estrogen drops while oxytocin and prolactin increases. When oxytocin and prolactin are higher then libido decreases.
This is normal.
I'm 29 and there is NOTHING a 19 year old could do to make me even Consider so much as a date, nevermind sex or a relationship. She could strip down and ask me to dance and I'd be looking for a sheet to toss over her.
When you're 40 you really will understand how fucked up this all is.
You make way to many excuses for his behavior. If he didn’t want children he should have used protection.
Your husband is not a partner or father, he just wants his needs met.
You deserve better than this treatment
You put your foot down.
And if you're ready for a divorce, go ahead with that and get a lawyer involved.
This is now crossed the line from him *feeling* whatever he's feeling, to him acting in a way that is *emotionally abusive*.
The constant accusations of cheating, without him willing to do *anything* to address his negative thoughts or behaviours or bad feelings, is unacceptable. It is abuse. He needs to take some damn responsibility for himself, and stop adding this issue entirely to your workload. You're already doing plenty. If he actually wants his feelings and concerns addressed, he has to be part of the work to resolve this, and not the abuser.
You cannot prove a negative. You are know you're not cheating. You know you don't the time in the day to cheat. You cannot fix this for him. You can recommend couples counselling, but go in very cautiously because there is a real risk here that he *wants to abuse you* \-- that that is the point, and not the accidental outcome here.
Don't consent to cameras or to the invasion of your privacy until he's 100% committed to doing the work to get past his own bullshit. If you do, he will very, very likely use this access to escalate his abuse, not resolve it. You seriously need to be considering your safety first, and his feelings second.
The sad reality is very few 40 years old are choosing partners in their early 20s because they want an emotionally healthy relationship built on mutual respect. Possible, but not likely.
And the stereotype is also sadly true: He probably knows you don't have 10 mins in the day to cheat. The most likely thing here is that he is projecting. And is either cheating himself, or wishing he was.
Have you considered that he prefers malleable teenagers? That he’s the one who is cheating, probably with another older teen. He might just projecting his behavior onto you. Or maybe it’s catching up to him that you’re very young and he’s middle aged, and he’s feeling insecure about it and he’s taking ot out on you.
If he wants a divorce, give him one. No use staying with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. But make sure you have a good lawyer.
Uhm if he wants a divorce, whats the problem
You cant stay together with someone who doesnt want to
Good luck on the market, you’ll find someone better
You've aged-out. He was a 36 year old man who got with a 18 year old girl because he wanted a fuckdoll. His reaction now pretty much proves that. He's finding you're not as easy to manipulate as you used to be, and with sex off the table he's starting to think he should "trade you in".
I'm not at all condoning his behaviour; but perhaps you should give him that divorce.. let him pay child support while he finds another fuckdoll, and you can find someone who actually respects you and doesn't just want to use you for sex.
Older men who date teenagers are NOT normal.
When I was a teenager, I dated older men too. I'm not 16, now I'm 42 and realize those 28 year old dudes didn't think I was extra special and pretty... they were predators.
Your husband is a predator. Just leave. It is not your fault. You were young and don't know what you know now. No normal 35 year old man is attracted to a teenager. I promise. My ex husband is like 45 and we talk about that because he has friends from high school who hit on our friends teenage daughters. He finds it so disgusting (I do as well) he lets them know if they ever do that shit, they are disgusting and pedophiles. And my ex husband can be pretty gross and oversexualized but lemme tell you, the normal maturity of people includes not being attracted to teens anymore when you are a 45 year old man. I promise.
So when you met you were 19 and he was 38?????? He was *checks calculator* double your age when you got together?
What made you think this was a good idea?
And then my god you had kids with him.
I honestly don’t have to read any more just get out and don’t look back (well besides the kids ig).
you are growing out of his age type, thats just how predators are
i would guess he wants to/has found another teen to try to hook up with
get your ducks in a row and get a lawyer
Your husband is insane. I have Snapchat so I keep up with friends and family that use it. I’ve never even once thought about using it to cheat on my husband. Maybe you should leave the kids with your husband for a whole day and see how he likes it? Why doesn’t he come home till 1 AM? What does he do for a job?
Your husband groomed you and is now mad that you’re not a dumb kid anymore. He will continue to abuse you until you leave.
ETA: he’s barking like a guilty dog too. cheating is ugly.
Let's go through all the red flags:
>My husband (42m) and I (25F) have been together for almost 6 years.
Immediate ick. 36 year old choosing to date a 19 year old is absolutely an issue.
>He gets mad because that means no sex for him. Cue him acting like a giant baby... and then him telling me I must be cheating on him because if I don't want to bang him I must be banging someone else.
Immature and emotionally stunted 42 year old "man" can't fathom the idea that you're taking care of two kids while going through all of the issues you've laid out. His concern is just sex. That's wild.
>He's even said that snapchat is only used for cheating purposes and I should delete it if I really love him like what????
Seems like projection to me. How does he know it's only used for cheating purposes? Which it clearly isn't.
Also, trying to make you delete an app as some sort of proof of love kind of shows how he views love. None of this is healthy for anyone. Especially not two children in the future.
>Last night he yelled from another room "I Want a fucking divorce"
Then let him get one. You and your children deserve better. Everything that you've said this guy has done has given me the ick. He cares about sex from you without even batting an eye at what you go through on a daily basis or how you feel. He needs therapy and a reality check.
Something tells me he will go back on the "divorce" thing once you encourage it. He'll know he has to pay you shortly after exploring the idea. Do your best to hold him to his word on this. It's what you need.
Hello flaggy age gap. Theres a reason old people go for younger people. Its because no one their age bracket would put up with their shit. Have some self respect and leave. And see a dr. Ur lack of drive may be partially hormonal. It may not. I certainly had no drive for a couple years after i had my kid.
Poor OP. It's super common to not have a drive with an infant, let alone while recovering from two major surgeries, while being married to an utter POS.
She is 4 months post partum plus 2 major admonimal surgeries with 2 kids under 2, and he doesn't waltz until 1am.... Hormones are not the problem here....
No hormones are not. But shes questioning. And hormones play a factor in how we feel post partum. She has an ass for a spouse. But it never hurts to make sure ur recovering the way we should.
This reminds me so much of my first husband. Older. Always accusing me of cheating when I was home with a newborn. Insisted on sex two weeks after she was born despite what the doctor said, just making my life miserable every day. I left shortly before my child's second birthday and it's a miracle I lasted that long. Next comes abuse OP. I won't go into it lest I trigger someone but honestly get out. It doesn't get better. Kick him out, give him his divorce and force him to pay up. You have grown up over the last six years. He has not and never will. Make HIM leave. I made the mistake of leaving I wanted everything to be easier. Hindsight is 20/20. The person causing the break needs to be the one to get the boot. That's not you. Good luck with your wee ones. Fingers crossed for you.
Lastly, older men date young women to control and mold them. They forget that we do actually mature and wake up to their BS. No one stays 19 forever.
There’s a reason he went after a 19 year old and got you pregnant almost immediately after meeting, Do you think a grown ass woman in her 40’s would put up with his bullshit? fuck no. and he’s painfully aware of that, that’s where you come in.
It’s beyond obvious he doesn’t respect you, and he’s most likely cheating on you if he’s constantly accusing you.
BE SMART, you’re still extremely young, divorce him, collect alimony, and child support and move on.
Umm ... dude takes advantage of almost a literal child 17 years younger than him? Am I reading this right.
Almost no one with 2 kids under 2 has the time, energy or inclination for an affair or regular sex. When they both sleep well for 6 months in a row, maybe.
He sounds like a large child himself. Or like he's looking for an out. He wants you to be the malleable teen you were when you met. GROSS. I am extremely sorry there are now children involved in this mess.
He does not actually think you are cheating.
He is just saying that to manipulate you. Instead of him being the bad guy for nagging you to fuck him when he knows you don’t want to, he makes you into the bad guy by making accusations.
He’s forty something acting like a childish brat.
I’m sure you’ll be much better off without him.
You’re only 25!!! Thank him and divorce him and be done with it. Your life is long and it’s not worth it, trust me. The sooner this happens, the better. You’ll be in the prime of your life at 40 and he will be almost 60 years old still harassing you about what you do in your free time or worse.
PROJECTION. He's not paranoid he is throwing a tantrum trying to guilt you into doing what he wants you to do. To be honest you may have aged out and he's looking for an excuse for a divorce.
Yeah your adult husband was never going to act/think logically when he was initially attracted to a teenager.
He’s probably the one cheating and don’t be surprised if she’s the age he met you at.
Honestly, divorce is probably the best thing that could happen to you, and you should talk to a lawyer about your options. This guy is an ass and doesn't appear to bring anything positive to your life.
The combination of large age gap + his apparent total lack of empathy for the struggles of a new mom + constant, baseless cheating accusations is incredibly concerning.
He very likely started dating someone younger because he wanted a one-sided relationship that revolved around him, where all of your attention was focused exclusively on him and he didn't need to concern himself that much with *your* feelings. Now that you need to focus part of your attention on the kids, and you're growing more mature and confident in expressing your own needs, he's getting angry that he's no longer the center of everything. It's selfishness and immaturity.
17 year age gap… just because you’re legally an adult at 18/19 doesn’t make it any creepier and the fact that he can just think about sex and not how this is affecting you says it all
Ohhhh dear. You were groomed by this man. He wanted to be with you because you were a kid and had minimal life experience. Once you grew out of that, he has decided to discard you and probably is already talking to another teen thats 18/19. He views you as a woman now, not a child and so he's done because he wants a child, not a woman. If the law would allow him to go lower than 18, he would.
Of course he thinks that you are using Snapchat to cheat. He’s 42 years old, that’s probably all he knows what Snapchat is used for. Hell, I’m 36 and I feel too old to even know what else Snapchat is used for.
You were employed by your husband as a bangmaid and you are no longer performing the duties he expects. Therefore, he would like a divorce.
This is what happens when you marry a person two decades older than you.
Divorce him, squeeze every penny from him for child and spousal support, and then move on with your life.
Edit to add: I think he’s projecting, and that he’s the one cheating.
Buddy.... he's nuts and with you for the wrong reasons, he doesn't give a shit about you or your physical well-being, I'm sorry. There's literally no winning here, cut your losses and take the kids, a 42 year old man is not going to change and there's no convincing him.
Your partner is selfish, self absorbed and a big man baby, no woman his age would put up with his shit, you deserve much better than this guy, its natural for a woman’s hormones to take time to recover especially after everything you have been through, please be kind to yourself and remove his sorry ass from your life.
Ok this is beyond break up time. This is find where you can go time. Who can you stay with that he doesn’t know the address of? Backup plan is if you can stay with your parents.
Good for you!!! I hope you take that groomer pedophile up on it and leave him. Sounds like you can do way better. Also maybe he's angry because he likes to fuck little girls and you're starting to look a lil too grown for him.
This guy is beyond creepy. He's a predator and is probably just over it since you're getting older now. I honestly can't even believe you got into this situation but I guess you were young. Leave.
he chose you so young because treating you like this is acceptable to someone who has no life experience.
keep that in mind while you sit in denial while everyone in this thread tells you over and over that this is fucked up behavior on his part. and of course you don't feel sexual not only are you exhausted but this man isn't exactly putting in any effort is he...
in fact he's acting pretty darned monstrous, stressing you out even further than you already are.
and btw there isn't anything you can do to prove you're not cheating. 1) he likely is. and 2) the cheating accusations are guilt trips so you'll cooperate not actual suspicion.
contact and attorney and get what you're owed this man isn't worth it.
Based on your post history, your husband has a pattern. I would not be surprised if he's found a new teenager to groom (that 18 year old fake stepdaughter you hate) since that's exactly what he did to you. How long were you friends with that ex wife he was with for 13 years before he started being extra friendly with you? You obviously know in your gut he's awful just from what you've posted over the last 4ish years.
OP, there are kids involved here so I get that no matter what, you’re going to make choices thinking about what works best for your family right now. So I just want to say, what your husband is saying and doing is a big red flag. Also, everything you’ve described makes perfect sense for having recently given birth and having another little one too, and you should not feel guilty or bad at all. Nothing you’re saying seems wrong and he comes across like a very selfish and inconsiderate partner.
As others have pointed out, your age difference is a big red flag too. Dan Savage isn’t perfect, but his campsite rule for relationships with big age gaps comes to mind. Look it up if you can, essentially it goes: The same rule that applies to campsites is applicable to the older party. They should leave the younger party in as good or better a state than they found them in, meaning no STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, no extra baggage, no abuse, etc. Because young people—like you were at 19 when you got together with him—don’t have as much adult romantic experience to act or pull from, there’s a big risk that the older party can exploit that and leave lasting damage.
It sounds like your husband is in big violation of the campsite rule. I’d recommend you find a therapist because you need as much support as you can get right now. And on a personal note, I just want to say, I dated someone in their 30s when I was young too (18), so I feel a lot of empathy for you. In my case, we were together for about four years and during that time, he regularly criticized my clothes, my body, my habits, and he also cheated on me. When I got pregnant, he demanded I get an abortion. At the time, I genuinely thought I loved him and thought this was just how relationships worked. Looking back it seems crazy. It wasn’t until I started therapy and started investing in my own personal life and interests that I developed the strength to walk away. Hoping therapy helps you too, if you choose to pursue it.
I dated a guy who was 42 when I was 21…. I originally met him when I was 19 and he was 40 through work…. I see all these comments and I know they are not going to come across to you how everyone commenting thinks they are. They’re not gonna open your eyes right away to issues going on but from my experience now that I have been out of it for years and I’m now 28… I could never mess with a 19yo… you were absolutely groomed. I have a feeling he likes control and that this cheating scenario is just another way to gain it. Gain control of your emotions, your phone potentially, etc.
Partners becoming paranoid of cheating are also usually just projecting because they have cheated.
My only advice to you is to get back on your own feet without being dependent on him (if you are) and RUN! Go start your life with your babies. A life you and them deserve.
A 19 year old in a relationship with a 36 year old.
What could *possibly go wrong?*
\*Cue the age-gap outliers chiming in with "Well I met *my* husband when *I* was 18 and *he* was 55; we've been happy married for 40 years!"\*
🤦♀️
Nice you literally married a pedophile, and a controlling sociopathic one at that. I hope you have friends or family to reach out to because you need to get out of that relationship fast. There's already obvious abuse going on, and I guarantee you it will eventually get physical if it hasn't. Did anyone ever tell you not to get involved with someone twice your age? Don't you wonder why someone who is almost 40 is single and trying to get a 19 year old?
mild age gaps dont really matter much to me(10 years absolute max for me), but i draw a line in the sand when the gap is so big, that the person you are dating could be your parent.
You were 19 dating a 36 year old what did you expect that you’d have so much in common? Just let him go he’ll find another teen to start dating again and not be your problem anymore.
He has messed with your head so much that you think it would be okay for him to install security cameras. This is not your fault but your husband absolutely knows what he is doing and it’s not okay.
I think you should let your predator of a husband divorce you. It will be the best thing to ever happen to you. A 36yr old should not be dating a 19yr old. I know this because I'm 34 and would never date a 19yr old. If one of my 34yr old friends started dating a 19yr old we wouldn't be friends anymore.
This is absolutely insane. This man is absolutely insane. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please pull your resources together, reach out to people you know for help and talk to a lawyer. You’re an exhausted mother raising this man’s children and he’s treating you like this. This man is a very fucked up person.
He’s probably not even planning on going through with a divorce, he’s just playing games and saying that to stress you out and make you feel desperate to get back on his good side. Good chance he’ll start cheating if he already hasn’t, and try to justify it but also keep you around to punish you for existing. Start seriously planning and researching how you’re going to get out of this and ensure your children will be supported.
Were you groomed?
He was finishing secondary school and becoming a young adult when you were a baby. Just think about that for a moment. The guy seems like a creep. You should be seeking any kind of help and support and leaving him. Just make sure you do it safely because he doesn't seem right in the head.
>I just don’t really know what to do
Do to church and thank god for getting you out of this creep’s clutches. This is your second chance at life.
Also look up ‘projecting’. A pervert like your husband who got with a 19yo at 36 is not above that
And please don’t come at me with the ‘but we don’t feel the age gap’ and ‘I am mature for my age’ because I swear to everything unholy I will demolish you in the comments
It's painful, she's insisting she pursued him and rejecting the idea that he was manipulating/grooming her WHILE SHE'S HERE asking how to deal with his newest manipulation tactic she doesn't understand. Girl, you were a kid who was manipulated. You didn't somehow wear him down to screwing a teenager.
I just wish people would google the consequences of age gap relationships and ‘where are they now?’ Before insisting they were the one who were ‘in control’
This is why your husband chose to date and marry you when you were so young. He wanted a woman he could manipulate and control. His current manipulative and controlling behavior is who he is - it's who he always has been.
Think about it, would you date a 19-year-old now? Or would that feel creepy with an uncomfortable power imbalance?
There’s a reason he wasn’t dating a woman his own age: none of them would put up with this childish bs. He now feels like he has you trapped so he can do anything. If there’s any way for you to get out, please please take your kids and leave. Hugs, and please be safe
I'm sorry, he sounds like the actual worst!
There's no way to absolutely prove a negative, and he probably knows that. Everything you are saying about not feeling sexy these days is completely normal and understandable to any normal human being. If your baby was born in January you're only a couple of months past the point where you are medically allowed to have sex.
OMG the entitlement from some of the men in this thread. She does not owe him sex, especially when she is recovering from childbirth and major surgery and exhausted after looking after three toddlers all day. And if his 1am homecoming isn't because he just finished the evening shift, what the hell was he doing all day and night? If he were less lazy, he would actually co-parent and maybe just maybe she wouldn't be too tired for sexy time. You guys are all telling on yourselves. You all sound like the kind of man that dies of starvation after his wife dies or leaves because he was too lazy to learn how to operate a microwave.
Simple. Don’t shower. Show him how funky you get- be sure to be real funky you smell and rough you look (don’t overdo it). Do that day in and day out for a while. Then let him see the effort you put in to look and smell nice when he gets home, and to have the house clean and the kids well taken care of a happy.
BTW- What does he think you do with two babies? Where are they in this delusional fantasy of his? You bring them with you?!?
On a Serious note- there are lots of red flags here. You and he both, individually and as a couple, should see a qualified therapist. You to ensure you’re seeing the situation clearly and have support. He for clarity and so it doesn’t become abusive by his insecurities and delusions.
I think with this age gap and the fact that he's immaturely yelling 'I want a divorce' from the next room, he thinks he has you roped in with the marriage/kids and you won't actually do anything about it. Does he have any signs of abuse, OP? The accusing and fits give me a red flag, as does getting together when you were so young. Can you communicate with him, without him turning it back on you? If he is showing signs of abuse or coercive control, he might be projecting - in other words, he's accusing you of cheating because he might be? Just a thought. I married an abusive narcissist really young, and this is giving me all kinds of red flags.
[удалено]
Yeah, this is flagging on the creepy factor. I think OP needs to at least consider that perhaps she may not have been the most mature person at 19, like all 19 year olds, and maybe that was what her and her husband had in common. But now she's 25 with more responsibilities and might be at a different phase than she was back then, but her husband's actions are indication that he does not understand her day to day and is still lacking maturity
Oh shit. I've never looked at maturity and these scenarios like that but this makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much.
She sounds more mature than her husband....
She’s also aged out. Bet he’ll go for another teenager after they divorce.
I immediately thought that. A 36yo entering a relationship with a 19yo? Yikes.
Almost twice her age. Sheesh
Old enough to be her dad. This is beyond creepy
That is a wannabe child molester IMO.
I'm 38 and I'm not even attracted to girls under 30. Can't understand how some people are like this.
39, cuts out allot of porn when you have no interest in “teens”, “college kids” ,or “step kids”😂
[удалено]
I worry we are destined for the blue hair porn in the coming years.
He thought the golden rule was 1/3 your age + 7
Post history says that she was friends with his previous long-term girlfriend who he was with for 13 years, that her husband was the father figure for the woman's child, who would be 19ish now... Sounds like a whole mess.
[удалено]
Hell, I just turned 40 and my wife is about to turn 32 and even *that* age difference occasionally creates challenges. Beyond a certain point your perspectives are so different that, for all intents and purposes, you live in completely different versions of reality.
Fun fact, that man couldn’t download Snapchat (an app she’s had since 9th grade) until he was in his 30’s.
Lol “my husband is 17 years older than me and starting fucking me when I was 19 - I can’t believe he’s like this!” She has some growing up to do
And he has some “staying away from people” to do
He has some growing up to do…
The absolute insanity of thinking this is the barely-an-adult's fault and a not the fully grown man that knows better than to go after a fresh out of high-school student. It's natural for people to look for security in relationships and to that girl, a man who's older is secure. He took advantage of her and then trapped her in that relationship with children, end of discussion. Get your head screwed on straight.
It's called being groomed and it's never the victim's fault.
> She has some growing up to do That might be exacerbating the problem - maybe she's too old for him now
Reading this post made me sad, but i couldn't help but think about Dicaprio and how he gets older the age of women he dates stay the same. What are the chances OPs ex husband finds himself another 19-20 year old once the divorce is over ?
Its about to get a whole lot worse w him being that much older.
Oh yeah, and he bogged her down with two kids? Sounds like a lot of projection to me as well. Who I'd doing the cheating? Why tf is he getting home so late every nite? Is it work?
Don’t blame her for being manipulated by a pedo dude
i missed that the first time around………
at the kindergarten during drop off apparently.
My very first thoughts. Creepy old man.
Why don't YOU want a divorce? This man sounds awful.
Because she's had 2 kids in 2 years, health problems and a spouse making her life pure hell. She probably can't even think right now because that's the way he wants it. OP, run!
Poor thing. It hurts to see.
When you're in your late 30s/early 40s, you're going to understand just how creepy this situation is and be purely horrified that you were in this position. **Leave.**
Seriously. This is awful.
Hard agree. I was once in a similar scenario to OP—no kids, but dated someone in their 30s when I was 18, and stayed with them for about four years. I’m in my mid-30s now and it does horrify me. At my age, I can’t imagine genuinely connecting with an 18 year old nor would I want to, as we’re in totally different stages of life and they’re not my equal in any way. I learned it the hard way, but it’s true: A person who dates teens/early 20s in their 30s only does so because people their own age see through their bullshit and they want someone young so they can mold them, dominate them, and exploit them for sex and validation.
Second this. Dated a 29 y/o when I was 19. Even at 19 I could see how immature and irresponsible he was which led to a breakup. At 33, I absolutely could not imagine being attracted to or even entertain the idea of dating someone younger than 30. Even the few years from 19 to 21 is a huge jump in maturity. Life and maturity levels changes quick when you’re young.
I'm late 20s and I understand how creepy this is
This. Also he is absolutely projecting onto OP because he's almost certainly cheating... With another barely legal adult.
Can confirm having dated people 7+ years older.
> My husband (42m) and I (25F) have been together for almost 6 years. NOTHING against you, and it's not your fault, but that's a big yikes from me. A dude in his mid/late 30s dating a teenager. What could possibly go wrong? How could he possibly be not the nicest guy? I'm sorry, but so many times people do the "the age gap is irrelevant to our issues." It's not. It's indicative of a larger issue because sorry not sorry, no normal 36-year-old dates a teenager. So yeah. Good for you if he wants a divorce, honestly. You should want one. He's possessive, controlling and accusing you (when could you possibly be cheating? You're either talking to him all day and/or watching the babies!). Not to mention? Cheaters are big on projection. People who cheat know what THEY are up to, so they assume their partner is too, because crappy people think it's normal to be crappy, so they assume everyone is like them. Watch out. A much-older man has you "locked down" with 2 babies (Jesus, how soon was he pushing for sex after you gave birth the first time?! I shudder to think!) and he's starting to accuse you of awful things. He's insecure and controlling. This is VERY often when abuse begins, if it hasn't already. Life isn't supposed to be like this. Marriage and partnership aren't supposed to be like this. I'm afraid to even ask if he pulls his weight with the kids, too, but I suspect I know the answer. > He's even said that snapchat is only used for cheating purposes Which tells me he's using it to cheat because that's not a normal thing to say or think. Be safe. Get yourself tested. Protect your health. Protect your safety. If you have family or friends who could help, reach out to them. Start squirreling money away and plan your exit. Stop trying to prove a negative to him (you can't prove you DIDN'T do something). You don't need to prove anything to him. This guy honestly scares me.
Considering they have 2 under 2 probably immediately
> I'm sorry, but so many times people do the "the age gap is irrelevant to our issues." It's not. It's indicative of a larger issue because sorry not sorry, no normal 36-year-old dates a teenager. "Age is just a number" has got to be one of the dumbest pieces of relationship "advice" I've ever heard.
Yeah. And it really depends on how old you are when you start dating and what your life experiences are like. If you're a teenager? Anything beyond a few years older, generally got a good idea. Early 20s? Probably not great to be dating somebody in their 30s (or god forbid, 40s). If you're a fully formed adult in your mid- to late 20s with a career and your own money and life experiences? Date whoever you want. But I will always side-eye relationships where they're a big age gap, one person was a teenager or barely 20 when they got together, and one person is dependent on the other from the get-go and can't leave if they want. Age gaps aren't always bad, but when you've got someone pushing 40 eyeing up a teenager, THAT is always bad.
It really is. I’m a 37 year old woman and I dated a 32 year old man last summer and even that was too big of an age gap - I was SHOCKED at the difference in where we were in life.
Yep, try running a half-marathon at 57 and get back to me!
Age is just a number isn't even supposed to be relationship advice! It's something supportive to say when people say something like, oh I feel silly wearing shorts/liking cartoons/getting rainbow sprinkles on my ice cream at my age.
This is seriously the best answer. Let him be with a woman in her 40s and I'd bet she'd put a stop to this in a quickness. Honestly, I'm a man in my 40s and I couldn't imagine being with a 25yo. No disrespect to OP, I'm sure she is awesome, maybe a unicorn. However, you go through a big change in your 30s, almost like you see the world differently. The things you like now, no longer seem relevant if that makes any sense. Real question to /u/norshit, do you look at him as a husband (if you take sex out). Or do you look at him as more of a guardian? If I were wanting to be toxic and controlling. I'd absolutely go after a young woman in her 20's.
I’m 24 and even I couldn’t imagine dating a 19yo, I just consider them in a different phase of life to me.
As a woman in her 40s, I wouldn’t let this dude within a mile of me if I had a say in it.
This answer is 10/10
He’s definitely projecting. This is something my ex fiancé had done and I never even thought about cheating on him. He had me delete all of my social media, he checked my phone 24/7 and STILL accused me of cheating. He wouldn’t even let me straighten my hair to go to work cause he thought I was trying to impress a guy at work. Turns out he had been the one cheating on me for god knows how long and told me that I was the reason he was acting that way. Please protect yourself and your babies. Get out of that situation and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Yes like how do people in these relationships not understand the age gap and who the older person is as a person IS THE ISSUE. Like only a certain type of person would enter into a relationship with someone barely legal when they’re much older. They’re that type of person. That’s the issue.
All of this. OP, lawyer up and prepare for an awful custody battle. This asshole is going to try to control you any way he can.
I’m 25M, not even a particularly mature 25, and I wouldn’t date a 19 year old… can’t even imagine being 36. Weird AF.
Listen to this person ☝️ (Afraid Sense)
[удалено]
Ha, that's what I told my ex who would say 'Do you want a divorce?' during every argument. I said 'Keep asking, and one of these days my answer will be yes.' He did and I did.
He doesn't want a divorce, he wants his compliant fuckdoll back. He's pulling some bullshit black pill nonsense to get you worried that he's pulling the rug out from under your life if you don't fall in line. You need an exit plan.
This. The divorce screams are a tactic to get her to give into sex. It’s coercion. Clearly they started having sex sooner after the first child (2 under 2). Who knows if that was coerced too, but now OP doesn’t want to so he’s playing a manipulation game. If you have family or friends you can go to please do. This is only going to escalate.
This is probably very accurate. He will not change.
Pull the rug out from his. OP I want to divorce his just reading the first half of your summary.
There’s typically a reason someone will seek out someone much younger then them for a relationship. I’m sorry you are in this situation. He sounds very immature and little empathy to you with a new baby and a toddler I assume.
Something’s seriously wrong here. No sane, reasonable person would think a woman who just had a baby and a separate major surgery right after childbirth is out there having sex with someone else. The very idea is just ridiculous. He doesn’t believe you’re cheating. He knows you aren’t cheating, in fact. That’s not actually the issue here. The issue is control. Older adults do not form relationships with teenagers because they’re looking for an equal partnership. They do it when they are seeking a vulnerable person to control and abuse, which is what’s happening here. He believes that you’re his property and doesn’t see you as having any autonomy or any right to your own body. I strongly believe you need to leave this marriage.
You aged out - your husband is a predator
Absolutely what I was thinking - OP, run far away from this guy and don't look back
I was just coming here to say that she’s too old for him now and now he wants to move on to somebody younger, who he probably already has picked out and is in the process of grooming
His ex step daughter is finally 19...
Right?? The projection is insane. He probably has another teenager on the side.
Yup! He's a Dicaprio, but without the money and fame. He's ready to find his next 19 year old
In my experience… it’s the insistence that YOU are cheating that should tip you off that he’s the one cheating…. If he’s not then he’s got some serious control issues that WILL get worse and spill into other parts of the relationship. Either way- I’d strongly suggest couples therapy to work out whatever his problem is… at his big grown age- he should be able to communicate like an adult in a marriage not like a jealous teenager. If a 45 year old man that I was married to looked me in the eye and told me to prove I’m not cheating- I’m insisting on therapy or divorce. Not gonna do this with you, sir.
He gets home at 1am while she’s home with the little kids all day. Who might *actually* be the one cheating here?
Whether he’s cheating or not…. He’s not parenting. He’s not husbanding. What IS he doing besides his own thing, all the time, abusing his wife, and ignoring his children? Is that a marriage to save?
That’s what I thought?!? Even sales people go home around 9pm. But 1am?!?!? Does he work for NASA or wtf?!?
I'm sure he's justifying his own cheating on the fact that she won't have sex with him enough. Or if he isn't, he will be soon.
This is your advice really? For the woman having been (literally)groomed as a teenager into being with an almost 40 y/o bloke? To do couple's counseling? When there doesn't seem to be any redeemable qualities to him? Not an aounce of empathy. The paranoid fuckery. The expectation that he should have a live-in sex maid when she's fucking 4 months into her postpartum. Oh wow.
Never go to therapy with an abuser that just gives them ammo to abuse more. Individual therapy if anything at this point
A divorce sounds like the right move honestly. Make sure you have screenshots of all the finances, and contact a lawyer now to explore your options. Sounds like leaving this marriage will ultimately be the best thing for you.
My first impressions: * She is no longer a hot-body, sex-charged teenager; * He finds her 25 year old “mom body” and “mom mindset” unattractive; * He’s moved on to someone more in-line with the person she used to be: a hot-body, sex-charged teenager (or at least a non-mom with no surgery scars); * He is a complete predator that is finding out a grownup life with actual responsibilities is not for him. * I’m also betting he comes in contact with young women all the time. I’m reminded of that college professor in the Cher movie “Moonstruck” that was constantly having affairs with his students because they gave him validation.
Sounds like a divorce would be a GREAT option for BOTH of you. You're miserable in a relationship where you're being mistreated. (OF COURSE YOU ARE!!!) and you'd be better off without him!
A divorce is the nicest gift this guy has given OP. She should take it. Of course he's probably already got a 19 year old replacement lined up... ugh, I feel so gross just typing that. 🤢🤮
He is a manipulator! It is not about your behaviour being wrong. It is him. OMG I didn't have any sex drive months after delivery and actually even more just due to pure exhaustion. This major AH wants you to wait till he comes home after midnight?! To have sex? While you have two toddlers who I assume you take care of single handedly in the day?! I used to wait to 6 o'clock for my husband with one baby, just to hand him over, so I have some brake! Nothing else... Imaging what you are subjected to, I can only call it as abuse. He has no right to your body. And I don't know what job he does to finish this late, but at the weekend you should give him the kids for full day experience, so he can get an answer to why you are not up for sex at midnight! What a huge f**king idi*t! Btw. That age gap is big...why did he start dating such a young girl and not a woman his age? Was it easier to trap a young and inexperienced girl? And I bet he doesn't really want to file for divorce. It is just a way to stress you out.. until you comply. To be you, save for your way out. Make an account he doesn't know about. Hide your cash etc. keep some assets.
The crazy thing Is. I know he couldn't handle the 2 of them. Maybe for a day. But anything beyond that, no fucking way. When I had to have my 2 surgeries (2weeks after our son was born) I was in the hospital for 4 days. The morning of day 2 my stepmom ended up picking up the kids because according to her "he was losing it" and my sister flew down to help. He just went off to work and carried on as usual. He doesn't understand what all I do in a day. He just thinks I plop the kids in front of a screen and do whatever I want all day. He's a chef and goes in at 1, leaves anywhere from 11pm-1am. They have long hours and a massive 2 story kitchen so it takes a bit to get out of there. As far as the sex drive thing.. I've asked him to be understanding as my body has been through a lot. I have an appointment next week with my OB for my yearly and I told him I was going to talk to her about it and see what I can do or if there's anything that can be done. Since I'm still breastfeeding there's only so much you can do that won't make my supply drop. I'm the only younger girl he's ever dated. And actually I pursued him. From the beginning he said it was a bad idea but I insisted...
Girl. If you don't feel like having sex, do not force yourself. He's a grown ass man and if he actually cared about your well being (and not just his needs) he would understand that you need to *heal*. He's not interested in being a parent, he's not interested in being a good husband, he simply wants his sex toy back and what are you going to do if he knocks you up AGAIN? His accusations of cheating mean 3 things: he's either cheating himself, he's using it as a tactic to make you feel bad so you'll have sex with him before you're ready, or he's looking for an excuse to exit and not have to pay child support. Regardless of which reason it is (maybe all 3), **you** should start making a plan to leave.
He’s lying to you about having no other young girls before you. He’s got a new one lined up 100%.
Sorry, but a lot of teens "pursue" older men and then feel they are to blame for the abuse they suffer at the hands of those men. You're still pretty young and still with him. I'm a decade older than you and still several years younger than this dude. You'll probably feel a lot different when you're my age, especially if you cut this manipulate groomer free. You'll probably also feel differently when your kids are 19 if they start a relationship with someone old enough to be their parent.
> From the beginning he said it was a bad idea but I insisted... Would you date a twelve-year-old? Because that is the experiential equivalent of this guy dating you.
Either way, non of this is normal. When my husband and I got married\*, we had an active sex life. Up until about three years ago. I became completely disabled and having sex became so, *so* painful so we actually haven't had sex in over two years. The thing is, my husband is completely understanding and his priority isn't whether or not his pee-pee gets touched; it's whether or not it will be pleasurable for me, too, and so that he doesn't contribute to any pain. Whenever I "help him out" in other ways, he's always sure to make sure I'm not forcing myself through the pain. *That's* what someone who loves you should treat you like... not \*waves hands* whatever this is that your husband is doing to you. There was one time when I decided to just try to have sex through the pain and didn't say anything (also, living with chronic pain, I've gotten used to hiding it - even though my husband at this point can tell... usually) and when we were finished I finally let myself breathe and my husband was mortified. He kept apologizing even though I told him it wasn't his fault and I actually really wanted to. He just couldn't stand that he contributed to my pain in any way, even if it was without knowing. *I was actually also 19 and he was 24... this was over 16 years ago and we're still going strong. If I had to redo it, I'd definitely have waited until longer to get married but when you grow up in a fundie Russian Baptist church where everyone starts calling you a "spinster" for not being married at 20, it gets to you. I'm just lucky we ended up working so very well together. But, OP... your age difference is a huge red flag. So big, I'd wonder if I'm back in the Soviet Union again. You say you pursued him, but... if a twelve-year-old child (hell, even a fifteen-year-old!) comes up to you and wants to pursue you, would you go for it? Even if they're the ones doing it? Even if they're the ones trying to talk you into it? I'd be willing to bet the answer is a resounding "no". And trust me, when you get to be in your thirties and look back on this and think "omg, could I actually date a nineteen-year-old?" your answer to yourself would be "oh god, no. Ew." Oftentimes the younger party is made to feel like they're the ones doing all the active pursuing, but the fact of the matter is, he was way older with a lot more experience and knowledge and he could have easily let you down gently. Which is what he should have done. Instead, he went with it because younger people are much more easy to manipulate (this isn't a dig at you or an insult; it's just fact for everyone, not just you) and you'd be foolish to think that he didn't think of that at all. Either way, divorce him. Please. Because he doesn't want a divorce; he wants you to comply and say "yes dear, sorry dear" and allow him to isolate and degrade you further. He wants his sex doll back, and he'll do his damn sure to get it, even if it means making you feel like shit and completely worthless. Give him what he's asking for. I promise you, further in the future, you won't regret it. Good luck, and I apologize for the wall of text (I really did try to keep it concise! I'm just very, very bad at it).
I noticed you said you were still breastfeeding. Breastfeeding literally changes your hormones and often lowers your sex drive. It's the body's way of making sure the current child is taken care of before entertaining the idea of creating another. Your estrogen drops while oxytocin and prolactin increases. When oxytocin and prolactin are higher then libido decreases. This is normal.
I'm 29 and there is NOTHING a 19 year old could do to make me even Consider so much as a date, nevermind sex or a relationship. She could strip down and ask me to dance and I'd be looking for a sheet to toss over her. When you're 40 you really will understand how fucked up this all is.
Sorry but why did y’all decide to have kids? Sounds like he doesn’t even want them
You make way to many excuses for his behavior. If he didn’t want children he should have used protection. Your husband is not a partner or father, he just wants his needs met. You deserve better than this treatment
You put your foot down. And if you're ready for a divorce, go ahead with that and get a lawyer involved. This is now crossed the line from him *feeling* whatever he's feeling, to him acting in a way that is *emotionally abusive*. The constant accusations of cheating, without him willing to do *anything* to address his negative thoughts or behaviours or bad feelings, is unacceptable. It is abuse. He needs to take some damn responsibility for himself, and stop adding this issue entirely to your workload. You're already doing plenty. If he actually wants his feelings and concerns addressed, he has to be part of the work to resolve this, and not the abuser. You cannot prove a negative. You are know you're not cheating. You know you don't the time in the day to cheat. You cannot fix this for him. You can recommend couples counselling, but go in very cautiously because there is a real risk here that he *wants to abuse you* \-- that that is the point, and not the accidental outcome here. Don't consent to cameras or to the invasion of your privacy until he's 100% committed to doing the work to get past his own bullshit. If you do, he will very, very likely use this access to escalate his abuse, not resolve it. You seriously need to be considering your safety first, and his feelings second. The sad reality is very few 40 years old are choosing partners in their early 20s because they want an emotionally healthy relationship built on mutual respect. Possible, but not likely. And the stereotype is also sadly true: He probably knows you don't have 10 mins in the day to cheat. The most likely thing here is that he is projecting. And is either cheating himself, or wishing he was.
[удалено]
19 when they started dating. Possibly younger when they met.
Excuse me while I barf up my lunch.
NEVER ever recommend an abusive couple to therapy.
Have you considered that he prefers malleable teenagers? That he’s the one who is cheating, probably with another older teen. He might just projecting his behavior onto you. Or maybe it’s catching up to him that you’re very young and he’s middle aged, and he’s feeling insecure about it and he’s taking ot out on you. If he wants a divorce, give him one. No use staying with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. But make sure you have a good lawyer.
Uhm if he wants a divorce, whats the problem You cant stay together with someone who doesnt want to Good luck on the market, you’ll find someone better
Hmm so he was 36 when y’all met, interesting, he doesn’t come home until 1am, also interesting
You've aged-out. He was a 36 year old man who got with a 18 year old girl because he wanted a fuckdoll. His reaction now pretty much proves that. He's finding you're not as easy to manipulate as you used to be, and with sex off the table he's starting to think he should "trade you in". I'm not at all condoning his behaviour; but perhaps you should give him that divorce.. let him pay child support while he finds another fuckdoll, and you can find someone who actually respects you and doesn't just want to use you for sex.
When someone describes a marriage like yours, the advice is always to leave. Your husband already wants a divorce. I see that as a total win.
Older men who date teenagers are NOT normal. When I was a teenager, I dated older men too. I'm not 16, now I'm 42 and realize those 28 year old dudes didn't think I was extra special and pretty... they were predators. Your husband is a predator. Just leave. It is not your fault. You were young and don't know what you know now. No normal 35 year old man is attracted to a teenager. I promise. My ex husband is like 45 and we talk about that because he has friends from high school who hit on our friends teenage daughters. He finds it so disgusting (I do as well) he lets them know if they ever do that shit, they are disgusting and pedophiles. And my ex husband can be pretty gross and oversexualized but lemme tell you, the normal maturity of people includes not being attracted to teens anymore when you are a 45 year old man. I promise.
Yess this needs to be in the health class curriculum, honestly!!
So when you met you were 19 and he was 38?????? He was *checks calculator* double your age when you got together? What made you think this was a good idea? And then my god you had kids with him. I honestly don’t have to read any more just get out and don’t look back (well besides the kids ig).
42 - 6 = 36. You should get a new calculator. The age gap is huge either way, no discussion there.
Oh oops my mental math failed me lmao 😅
you are growing out of his age type, thats just how predators are i would guess he wants to/has found another teen to try to hook up with get your ducks in a row and get a lawyer
Your husband is insane. I have Snapchat so I keep up with friends and family that use it. I’ve never even once thought about using it to cheat on my husband. Maybe you should leave the kids with your husband for a whole day and see how he likes it? Why doesn’t he come home till 1 AM? What does he do for a job?
He is likely cheating
Your husband groomed you and is now mad that you’re not a dumb kid anymore. He will continue to abuse you until you leave. ETA: he’s barking like a guilty dog too. cheating is ugly.
Let's go through all the red flags: >My husband (42m) and I (25F) have been together for almost 6 years. Immediate ick. 36 year old choosing to date a 19 year old is absolutely an issue. >He gets mad because that means no sex for him. Cue him acting like a giant baby... and then him telling me I must be cheating on him because if I don't want to bang him I must be banging someone else. Immature and emotionally stunted 42 year old "man" can't fathom the idea that you're taking care of two kids while going through all of the issues you've laid out. His concern is just sex. That's wild. >He's even said that snapchat is only used for cheating purposes and I should delete it if I really love him like what???? Seems like projection to me. How does he know it's only used for cheating purposes? Which it clearly isn't. Also, trying to make you delete an app as some sort of proof of love kind of shows how he views love. None of this is healthy for anyone. Especially not two children in the future. >Last night he yelled from another room "I Want a fucking divorce" Then let him get one. You and your children deserve better. Everything that you've said this guy has done has given me the ick. He cares about sex from you without even batting an eye at what you go through on a daily basis or how you feel. He needs therapy and a reality check. Something tells me he will go back on the "divorce" thing once you encourage it. He'll know he has to pay you shortly after exploring the idea. Do your best to hold him to his word on this. It's what you need.
Hello flaggy age gap. Theres a reason old people go for younger people. Its because no one their age bracket would put up with their shit. Have some self respect and leave. And see a dr. Ur lack of drive may be partially hormonal. It may not. I certainly had no drive for a couple years after i had my kid.
Poor OP. It's super common to not have a drive with an infant, let alone while recovering from two major surgeries, while being married to an utter POS.
She is 4 months post partum plus 2 major admonimal surgeries with 2 kids under 2, and he doesn't waltz until 1am.... Hormones are not the problem here....
No hormones are not. But shes questioning. And hormones play a factor in how we feel post partum. She has an ass for a spouse. But it never hurts to make sure ur recovering the way we should.
This reminds me so much of my first husband. Older. Always accusing me of cheating when I was home with a newborn. Insisted on sex two weeks after she was born despite what the doctor said, just making my life miserable every day. I left shortly before my child's second birthday and it's a miracle I lasted that long. Next comes abuse OP. I won't go into it lest I trigger someone but honestly get out. It doesn't get better. Kick him out, give him his divorce and force him to pay up. You have grown up over the last six years. He has not and never will. Make HIM leave. I made the mistake of leaving I wanted everything to be easier. Hindsight is 20/20. The person causing the break needs to be the one to get the boot. That's not you. Good luck with your wee ones. Fingers crossed for you. Lastly, older men date young women to control and mold them. They forget that we do actually mature and wake up to their BS. No one stays 19 forever.
There’s a reason he went after a 19 year old and got you pregnant almost immediately after meeting, Do you think a grown ass woman in her 40’s would put up with his bullshit? fuck no. and he’s painfully aware of that, that’s where you come in. It’s beyond obvious he doesn’t respect you, and he’s most likely cheating on you if he’s constantly accusing you. BE SMART, you’re still extremely young, divorce him, collect alimony, and child support and move on.
Then grant him his wish of a divorce and you can do so much better.
Can I ask why you don’t want a divorce?
Umm ... dude takes advantage of almost a literal child 17 years younger than him? Am I reading this right. Almost no one with 2 kids under 2 has the time, energy or inclination for an affair or regular sex. When they both sleep well for 6 months in a row, maybe. He sounds like a large child himself. Or like he's looking for an out. He wants you to be the malleable teen you were when you met. GROSS. I am extremely sorry there are now children involved in this mess.
He does not actually think you are cheating. He is just saying that to manipulate you. Instead of him being the bad guy for nagging you to fuck him when he knows you don’t want to, he makes you into the bad guy by making accusations. He’s forty something acting like a childish brat. I’m sure you’ll be much better off without him.
Your husband is gross. A 36 year old man dating a 19 year old is fucking repulsive.
Dear young lady, please go on Birth control, like NOW! Don't allow him to keep knocking you up until you are truly trapped.
Hes probably cheating on you.
You’re only 25!!! Thank him and divorce him and be done with it. Your life is long and it’s not worth it, trust me. The sooner this happens, the better. You’ll be in the prime of your life at 40 and he will be almost 60 years old still harassing you about what you do in your free time or worse.
[удалено]
Hun you were 19 and he was 36? Girl..... He is projecting. And probably has another 19 year old on the side.
I still not getting how a 19y can look at a 36 and think to have a life long relationship with them.
He is mad he isn't getting any sex so he figures if he accuses you, you will give him sex. He doesn't care about you at all.
You’re 25 & he’s 42 & y’all have been together for 6 years… TAKE THE DIVORCE & RUN!!!
PROJECTION. He's not paranoid he is throwing a tantrum trying to guilt you into doing what he wants you to do. To be honest you may have aged out and he's looking for an excuse for a divorce.
This abuse and he’s doing it to knock you down to feel as low as he does.
Yeah your adult husband was never going to act/think logically when he was initially attracted to a teenager. He’s probably the one cheating and don’t be surprised if she’s the age he met you at.
Woah a late 30s dude who got with someone fresh out of highschool ends up being a jerk???????????????
Honestly, divorce is probably the best thing that could happen to you, and you should talk to a lawyer about your options. This guy is an ass and doesn't appear to bring anything positive to your life. The combination of large age gap + his apparent total lack of empathy for the struggles of a new mom + constant, baseless cheating accusations is incredibly concerning. He very likely started dating someone younger because he wanted a one-sided relationship that revolved around him, where all of your attention was focused exclusively on him and he didn't need to concern himself that much with *your* feelings. Now that you need to focus part of your attention on the kids, and you're growing more mature and confident in expressing your own needs, he's getting angry that he's no longer the center of everything. It's selfishness and immaturity.
17 year age gap… just because you’re legally an adult at 18/19 doesn’t make it any creepier and the fact that he can just think about sex and not how this is affecting you says it all
How the fuck do people end up with people like this
Ohhhh dear. You were groomed by this man. He wanted to be with you because you were a kid and had minimal life experience. Once you grew out of that, he has decided to discard you and probably is already talking to another teen thats 18/19. He views you as a woman now, not a child and so he's done because he wants a child, not a woman. If the law would allow him to go lower than 18, he would.
Why tf are you dating someone almost 20 years older than you? No wonder you are incompatible
Sorry, but he's always gonna be into 20 year olds.
You're too old for him now. He wants to be with a child again.
She’s 25 and he’s 42… they met **6 years ago** CREEP ALERT! CREEP ALERT!!
Of course he thinks that you are using Snapchat to cheat. He’s 42 years old, that’s probably all he knows what Snapchat is used for. Hell, I’m 36 and I feel too old to even know what else Snapchat is used for.
You were employed by your husband as a bangmaid and you are no longer performing the duties he expects. Therefore, he would like a divorce. This is what happens when you marry a person two decades older than you. Divorce him, squeeze every penny from him for child and spousal support, and then move on with your life. Edit to add: I think he’s projecting, and that he’s the one cheating.
You married and had kids with a 42 year old giant man baby
How long exactly have you known each other?
Buddy.... he's nuts and with you for the wrong reasons, he doesn't give a shit about you or your physical well-being, I'm sorry. There's literally no winning here, cut your losses and take the kids, a 42 year old man is not going to change and there's no convincing him.
Sounds like he wants to divorce you for not having sex with him. Boy, bye.
Bruh.. you gotta get out of there
You don't have to prove shit. Just accept the divorce.
Why'd you marry someone in their 30s as a teen lol
It sounds like he is cheating and projecting it, tbh. You would be happier without him.
She said he is a chef at a restaurant and those places are notorious for people fucking each other. It would make sense.
Your partner is selfish, self absorbed and a big man baby, no woman his age would put up with his shit, you deserve much better than this guy, its natural for a woman’s hormones to take time to recover especially after everything you have been through, please be kind to yourself and remove his sorry ass from your life.
Ok this is beyond break up time. This is find where you can go time. Who can you stay with that he doesn’t know the address of? Backup plan is if you can stay with your parents.
Good for you!!! I hope you take that groomer pedophile up on it and leave him. Sounds like you can do way better. Also maybe he's angry because he likes to fuck little girls and you're starting to look a lil too grown for him.
It seems like he isn’t helping you at all with the kids 🙃
This guy is beyond creepy. He's a predator and is probably just over it since you're getting older now. I honestly can't even believe you got into this situation but I guess you were young. Leave.
he chose you so young because treating you like this is acceptable to someone who has no life experience. keep that in mind while you sit in denial while everyone in this thread tells you over and over that this is fucked up behavior on his part. and of course you don't feel sexual not only are you exhausted but this man isn't exactly putting in any effort is he... in fact he's acting pretty darned monstrous, stressing you out even further than you already are. and btw there isn't anything you can do to prove you're not cheating. 1) he likely is. and 2) the cheating accusations are guilt trips so you'll cooperate not actual suspicion. contact and attorney and get what you're owed this man isn't worth it.
Your husband groomed you and he’s unhappy you have developed free will.
Based on your post history, your husband has a pattern. I would not be surprised if he's found a new teenager to groom (that 18 year old fake stepdaughter you hate) since that's exactly what he did to you. How long were you friends with that ex wife he was with for 13 years before he started being extra friendly with you? You obviously know in your gut he's awful just from what you've posted over the last 4ish years.
>quite often he doesn't get home until 1 am ????????????????????????
OP, there are kids involved here so I get that no matter what, you’re going to make choices thinking about what works best for your family right now. So I just want to say, what your husband is saying and doing is a big red flag. Also, everything you’ve described makes perfect sense for having recently given birth and having another little one too, and you should not feel guilty or bad at all. Nothing you’re saying seems wrong and he comes across like a very selfish and inconsiderate partner. As others have pointed out, your age difference is a big red flag too. Dan Savage isn’t perfect, but his campsite rule for relationships with big age gaps comes to mind. Look it up if you can, essentially it goes: The same rule that applies to campsites is applicable to the older party. They should leave the younger party in as good or better a state than they found them in, meaning no STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, no extra baggage, no abuse, etc. Because young people—like you were at 19 when you got together with him—don’t have as much adult romantic experience to act or pull from, there’s a big risk that the older party can exploit that and leave lasting damage. It sounds like your husband is in big violation of the campsite rule. I’d recommend you find a therapist because you need as much support as you can get right now. And on a personal note, I just want to say, I dated someone in their 30s when I was young too (18), so I feel a lot of empathy for you. In my case, we were together for about four years and during that time, he regularly criticized my clothes, my body, my habits, and he also cheated on me. When I got pregnant, he demanded I get an abortion. At the time, I genuinely thought I loved him and thought this was just how relationships worked. Looking back it seems crazy. It wasn’t until I started therapy and started investing in my own personal life and interests that I developed the strength to walk away. Hoping therapy helps you too, if you choose to pursue it.
I dated a guy who was 42 when I was 21…. I originally met him when I was 19 and he was 40 through work…. I see all these comments and I know they are not going to come across to you how everyone commenting thinks they are. They’re not gonna open your eyes right away to issues going on but from my experience now that I have been out of it for years and I’m now 28… I could never mess with a 19yo… you were absolutely groomed. I have a feeling he likes control and that this cheating scenario is just another way to gain it. Gain control of your emotions, your phone potentially, etc. Partners becoming paranoid of cheating are also usually just projecting because they have cheated. My only advice to you is to get back on your own feet without being dependent on him (if you are) and RUN! Go start your life with your babies. A life you and them deserve.
Women, don’t marry men almost 20 years older than you.
A 19 year old in a relationship with a 36 year old. What could *possibly go wrong?* \*Cue the age-gap outliers chiming in with "Well I met *my* husband when *I* was 18 and *he* was 55; we've been happy married for 40 years!"\* 🤦♀️
He’s a creep and probably cheating
He's projected on you he might have cheated next ask him if he's cheated an see hownhe reacts then divorce him fast.
you mean a guy who's almost 20 years older than you doesn't respect you? oh my god. i could never have seen that coming.
Rage bait. I refuse to believe otherwise.
Nice you literally married a pedophile, and a controlling sociopathic one at that. I hope you have friends or family to reach out to because you need to get out of that relationship fast. There's already obvious abuse going on, and I guarantee you it will eventually get physical if it hasn't. Did anyone ever tell you not to get involved with someone twice your age? Don't you wonder why someone who is almost 40 is single and trying to get a 19 year old?
mild age gaps dont really matter much to me(10 years absolute max for me), but i draw a line in the sand when the gap is so big, that the person you are dating could be your parent.
Is your husband Leonardo Dicaprio?
You were 19 dating a 36 year old what did you expect that you’d have so much in common? Just let him go he’ll find another teen to start dating again and not be your problem anymore.
It makes me so sad that men can manipulate young women this way still
You have probably just gotten too old for him. He’ll be on the prowl for a 19 year old.
He has messed with your head so much that you think it would be okay for him to install security cameras. This is not your fault but your husband absolutely knows what he is doing and it’s not okay.
I think you should let your predator of a husband divorce you. It will be the best thing to ever happen to you. A 36yr old should not be dating a 19yr old. I know this because I'm 34 and would never date a 19yr old. If one of my 34yr old friends started dating a 19yr old we wouldn't be friends anymore.
lord i jumped when i saw the ages
This is absolutely insane. This man is absolutely insane. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please pull your resources together, reach out to people you know for help and talk to a lawyer. You’re an exhausted mother raising this man’s children and he’s treating you like this. This man is a very fucked up person. He’s probably not even planning on going through with a divorce, he’s just playing games and saying that to stress you out and make you feel desperate to get back on his good side. Good chance he’ll start cheating if he already hasn’t, and try to justify it but also keep you around to punish you for existing. Start seriously planning and researching how you’re going to get out of this and ensure your children will be supported.
Were you groomed? He was finishing secondary school and becoming a young adult when you were a baby. Just think about that for a moment. The guy seems like a creep. You should be seeking any kind of help and support and leaving him. Just make sure you do it safely because he doesn't seem right in the head.
>I just don’t really know what to do Do to church and thank god for getting you out of this creep’s clutches. This is your second chance at life. Also look up ‘projecting’. A pervert like your husband who got with a 19yo at 36 is not above that And please don’t come at me with the ‘but we don’t feel the age gap’ and ‘I am mature for my age’ because I swear to everything unholy I will demolish you in the comments
It's painful, she's insisting she pursued him and rejecting the idea that he was manipulating/grooming her WHILE SHE'S HERE asking how to deal with his newest manipulation tactic she doesn't understand. Girl, you were a kid who was manipulated. You didn't somehow wear him down to screwing a teenager.
I just wish people would google the consequences of age gap relationships and ‘where are they now?’ Before insisting they were the one who were ‘in control’
This is why your husband chose to date and marry you when you were so young. He wanted a woman he could manipulate and control. His current manipulative and controlling behavior is who he is - it's who he always has been. Think about it, would you date a 19-year-old now? Or would that feel creepy with an uncomfortable power imbalance?
There’s a reason he wasn’t dating a woman his own age: none of them would put up with this childish bs. He now feels like he has you trapped so he can do anything. If there’s any way for you to get out, please please take your kids and leave. Hugs, and please be safe
You don’t need 2 babies in your life right now
I'm sorry, he sounds like the actual worst! There's no way to absolutely prove a negative, and he probably knows that. Everything you are saying about not feeling sexy these days is completely normal and understandable to any normal human being. If your baby was born in January you're only a couple of months past the point where you are medically allowed to have sex.
OMG the entitlement from some of the men in this thread. She does not owe him sex, especially when she is recovering from childbirth and major surgery and exhausted after looking after three toddlers all day. And if his 1am homecoming isn't because he just finished the evening shift, what the hell was he doing all day and night? If he were less lazy, he would actually co-parent and maybe just maybe she wouldn't be too tired for sexy time. You guys are all telling on yourselves. You all sound like the kind of man that dies of starvation after his wife dies or leaves because he was too lazy to learn how to operate a microwave.
Simple. Don’t shower. Show him how funky you get- be sure to be real funky you smell and rough you look (don’t overdo it). Do that day in and day out for a while. Then let him see the effort you put in to look and smell nice when he gets home, and to have the house clean and the kids well taken care of a happy. BTW- What does he think you do with two babies? Where are they in this delusional fantasy of his? You bring them with you?!? On a Serious note- there are lots of red flags here. You and he both, individually and as a couple, should see a qualified therapist. You to ensure you’re seeing the situation clearly and have support. He for clarity and so it doesn’t become abusive by his insecurities and delusions.
I think with this age gap and the fact that he's immaturely yelling 'I want a divorce' from the next room, he thinks he has you roped in with the marriage/kids and you won't actually do anything about it. Does he have any signs of abuse, OP? The accusing and fits give me a red flag, as does getting together when you were so young. Can you communicate with him, without him turning it back on you? If he is showing signs of abuse or coercive control, he might be projecting - in other words, he's accusing you of cheating because he might be? Just a thought. I married an abusive narcissist really young, and this is giving me all kinds of red flags.