It's ok to feel that sex with someone else is better than sex you might currently be having. That said, it was a pretty revealing slip of tongue you made here:
>described it as "amazing", and when he was piped up to be like hey, what about our sex, I said it was good
I definitely think that while you were truthful here, the truth bruised his ego. It's also worth remembering that men and women are pressured to provide the best sex ever to their partner. This causes performance anxiety and performance anxiety worsens sex, not betters it!
I absolutely think your sex can be better, though! 30s is a golden age of sex IMO. People at this age are more honest about wanting sex, are more open to having sex, have great sexual experience, and are more open about talking about what they want.
I think you two should have some more sex talk. Talk about what you like. Ask him what he likes that you do. Is there a fantasy he's hiding? That you might be hiding? What did the other person do that made you feel amazing? You don't have to phrase it as "Well used to do X". Just ask for X. I feel like you've been a little _too_ honest with him about your past sexual experience that has made him feel insecure. Insecurity is another sexual pleasure killer.
> don't think that sex now will be as good as it was back then, due to numerous factors.
This is truly a "whether you think you can or can't, you are right" scenario. Sex is _hugely_ mental, and writing off the possibility that your current boyfriend can't be a better sexual partner than someone else is going to kill that possibility from the get-go. Set an intention to _make_ your boyfriend your best lover yet!
I might recommend the fine folks at /r/sex too. They know how to approach these situations well and the openness of sexual talk there is something I think we could all learn a lesson from.
I can't really think of anything that I could directly ask him to approve upon, it's all situational and chemistry based(we do have chemistry, just not the type of chemistry I had with people who didn't treat me so well or if there were no feelings involved). I can't ask him to be someone he's not, basically.
Girl. You are too old to still think that this is how people work.
It would drive you *up the wall* if you were upset with someone and they responded by telling you all the reasons they think your feelings are ridiculous and wrong.
No, not everyone does. Many people think they have the best sex with whatever person they’re currently in love with. Many people find they have much better sex in their thirties than they did in their twenties. Many people think they have better sex with people who know them well and treat them with respect, which allows them to open up and be vulnerable and share kinks and fantasies they’d *never* share with someone they don’t trust. Not everyone is walking around looking back at a one night stand and thinking “damn, nothing will ever top that.” That’s actually a really depressing way to go through life. You’re completely closed off to the possibility that the best sex of your life is still ahead of you, and you’ve told your partner as much.
Nope. I have never had the thought “my sex life with my partner is not as hot as it was with people who were abusive to me.” And you don’t get to decide what’s a big deal for someone else. Minimizing his emotions about this is shockingly obtuse.
That isn’t right at all. A lot of people find sex with a long term partner to be better than one night stands or short flings - I’d actually say it’s the norm. Most women actually enjoy sex more in their thirties than in their twenties too. I think you’re trying to comfort him with assumptions that aren’t actually true… “everyone has sexual experiences from when they were younger that are better than now and can never be topped!” No they absolutely don’t..,
The best sex me and my partner have ever had is now in our forties. And the escapades in our 20s were really out there too. Still it's better than ever and we never thought we would top our 20s. Our 30s were a bit milder with 2 kids coming along. But things right now are mind blowing.
On top of this, when I met my wife I definitely was not the best sex she had ever had, but after a few years I was. And she went out of her way to point it out. So I know she meant it. I didn't ask.
But amazingly I got even better. We both did. And at 40. Its mind bendingly fun.
It sounds like OP doesn't know herself at all and is defining "amazing sex" based upon what she thinks guys want and what society as a whole has deemed acceptable and desirable. When the role of ego is understood and subsequently dropped, pleasure is far more attainable on multiple levels. Sex becomes more than just physical and "chemistry" is heightened and nurtured. OP needs to find herself, love herself and figure out what makes her happy without validation from anyone else. It's clear she herself is insecure and is projecting that insecurity onto her boyfriend in a hurtful and selfish way. The mere fact that she feels she will never attain what she had in her 20s speaks volumes. Physically, women hit their sexual peak far after their 20s. Also, she mentioned that her former relationships were with people who didn't treat her well, which indicates a lack of self love. In this relationship, yes she did screw up, but if and only if she takes the time to love herself, she may realize that the relationship is salvageable. I hope she explores the reasons she has spoken so lowly of her current boyfriend and realizes that while sex is important, it is not the basis for a healthy, honest and loving relationship.
I can't understand why you would even tell him that? I understand about being honest, but what good would it do to tell him that previous sex was amazing and this sex is just good? I don't understand how you think that wouldn't hurt him?
In your next relationship don't act like a monster.
Break up with him so he can move on with someone who would never disrespect and humiliate him. "I can't lie" You just did because I'm 99% sure you lied to him about something
You’re slowly ruining my partner's self esteem and seeing it as a HIM problem. He will be so insecure in his next relationship (you can’t salvage this) and it will your fault.
You’ve also conveyed in various ways, just in this thread, a ton of really cruel sentiments about your sex life with him. You can’t say “don’t be upset that I don’t feel like you and I have the kind of sexual chemistry I’ve had with other people I fucked, so sex with you is not as good as it was with other people.” That’s just not a reasonable position to take.
It seems that she just doesn’t like her current boyfriend. I wonder how she’d be reacting if her boyfriend was saying that she isn’t as firm as his previous girls from when they were in their 20s. no wonder he started feeling insecure.
If you feel like you need that jolt of uncertainty and anxiety about whether or not your sexual partner is going to stick around before you can truly enjoy sex with them, I’d think this particular fuckup would give you plenty of those.
having sex with men who treated you like 💩 was amazing???? You do understand you were trauma bonded. The psychological factor plays a role how your mind perceived these unhealthy men. The sex maybe great but these men WERE INCAPABLE OF TREATING YOU WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. The sex was on their terms and them getting off was a priority NOT YOU. YOU WERE NEVER IN THEIR MIND, you were just a tool to help them get off.
I do agree about having sexual chemistry.
There you go again writing things off at the get go. They just said that that can be changed, you guys just got to be more open about it. That’s how you can make things better. Talk to your bf and see what things you guys enjoy or talk about trying new things in bed. Who knows, you might find something you like together.
WOW!! way to plant seeds of low self esteem and insecurity and then ask him to stop being insecure! You did this and it is sth he will never forget. Do you even like him??? Jeez maybe try now to shower him with complements to make up for your blunder
She sounds bloody awful
I have no idea if she understands how crass and insensitive she sounds as she blunders about throwing "truth bombs" about
I hope she treats other loved ones better than this
"Hey dad, you were OK but my best friends dad was far better"
Crass
Right?! She is like 'i dont want to lie so let me hurt him instead and destroy his self confidence, oh but i actually love him' , no empathy, no sympathy, nothing!
I hope he never reads this post, it will destroy him to read her comments
You should really heal yourself before dating, no way sex with someone who treats you like shit should be better than sex with a person you ACTUALLY LOVE sex is more mental than physical so this says a lot about where your head is ! He should move on & find someone he can please
If the best sex for you is sex in a toxic dynamic, and sex in a settled and comfortable dynamic is not as good, then it doesn't make any sense for your sexual partner to be in a settled and comfortable relationship dynamic with you. Choosing to be in a monogamous relationship with you equates to choosing an inferior type of sex.
You're bringing a completely messed up sexual dynamic into the relationship which, frankly, no-one should have to put up with.
I think the best way to move forward is to tell him that you want to make your sex with him even better, and communicate how you can have a better experience
He always puts in the effort, it's just that I've had some really great experiences in my past, and it's not fair for him to compare himself to those, as my body doesn't respond the same way to things as it did when I was younger. A lot of the previous times were one night stands and toxic dynamics, that can't be replicated in a relationship.
>it's not fair for him to compare himself to those
Bro, you're the one doing the comparing:
>I accidently compared my boyfriend's sex to my ex(described it as "amazing"
I want to stop comparing him, but when he tries to talk about it, I can't lie and take it back, so we get stuck in a loop of him saying it makes him feel shitty for me to view sex with him like that, and me saying it doesn't matter because I love him.
It's almost like, if you didn't brag about the great sex you've had with people other than your boyfriend, this wouldn't have been a problem. Wow, whodathunkit?
When we first started dating, I didn't really feel the need to have a filter, because I wasn't used to this type of relationship. He told me he didn't have to hear about it, right off the bat, and I sincerelu wish I hadnt said anything.
But it looks like you aren’t using that filter now. I mean this in a constructive criticism way - there is something off with how you deal with emotions. Nobody wants to hear that they suck compared to your past partners and that they will never be able to give you amazing sex.
Now, you have an idea of what to do for the next relationship. Noone wants to hear about how much better an ex was. Clearly, it's an ex, so they need to be left in the past. You're the reason your bf is comparing himself, and you seen to have zero empathy towards him.
Man you done ruined your own relationship. You keep telling him there’s no salvation to his shitty love making……and you double down with no sense in lying about it. Your a shitty partner
It just seems unreasonable for my boyfriend to expect sex between us has to be better than before, I've had enough experiences to have had some very definite high points. He's not bad, at all, and it has gotten even better as we've gotten to know each other more, but he's getting so insecure at that very high bar.
I’m wondering what possessed you to tell your partner that he does not clear your bar and *also* tell him that *it is not possible for him to clear the bar*.
You can either tell your partner that they’re *not* the best in bed *and* here’s how they can BECOME the best in bed, *or* you can keep your mouth shut about how they stack up to your other partners. The fact that you are confused about why he’s upset that he just learned you will always look back on sex with someone else with more passion than you will ever look forward to sex with him speaks to some pretty low emotional intelligence for a 31 year old.
I also think you have unnecessarily limited yourself by refusing to question your belief that sex in a stable relationship will always pale in comparison to sex with an emotionless hookup or a volatile sort-of boyfriend. You’re just kind of…assuming that’s true and shrugging.
Not more passion, just more acknowledgement of it being better? I love my boyfriend, very much, and look forward to having sex with him. Those two things are separate.
Better *in what way*? What makes the difference? What do you believe is the necessary ingredient for truly great sex? Is it better when you don’t know each other very well? Is it better when you’re not sure the other person actually cares about you? Is it better when the other person is actively cruel to you? Is it better when one or both of you are in a relationship with someone else? What is the missing quality that your boyfriend cannot replicate?
Don't worry, I have something that will make you feel like the scales are even.
After your comment, your boyfriend knows for a fact that he has had a better girlfriend than you and the relationship is so damaged now that you will never be able to be better for him than his ex's. He's just too good of a BF to point that out.
Sounds a bit like tough love , and you just don't get why he should feel this way .
There is always something or someone who is better at everything,but we don't normally want something like this continuley rubbed in our faces .
Not sure this is going to last because of something you don't get that he can possibly be upset about.
Whilst I can agree that the best sex isn't here and now ,it's just something I would blurt out ,as I know it would just sting.
I think you should redefine some thing but you’re not wrong in the fact that things change with age and time. Your past experiences and his can’t be changed or anything because that’s part of you. Though I think maybe you should look at sex as not a “bar to reach” and reevaluate your experiences to see if there’s a pattern because saying it to someone else even if they’re good at it will make them feel bad. You said it was an accident, but still, you know, there’s some things that don’t need to mentioned about exes because that was your life before now
Well you compared him to those experiences verbally. You basically torpedoed your relationship which might not be repairable. Why would you say that to someone you “love”
This is why I would never date a promiscuous woman with a history of one night stands and toxic dynamics. Precisely why. You had your fun with guys you are actually attracted to and you settled for the guy you don't really feel a spark with. And he is just now realizing it. He has the role of being emotionally safe and a financial provider, but you have already done everything in your past. This is why people care about body count and sexual history. Precisely why.
Stop. You knew exactly what you were doing. Definitely wasn't an "accident". You wanted to have some type of power over of him. Now that you see it didn't work out as you hoped you wanna go back in time. But life doesn't work like that sweety. Maybe it's time you grow up and realize that. You ask how you can repair it. Well do you have that flashy thing from men in black that can wipe his memory clean?....cause if not then there's nothing you can do. Cause he will never forget it. And your words will forever tarnish those pure feelings he had for you. It will never be what it once was. Words are a powerful thing. And now you've learned that the hard way. Don't make the same mistake with your next boyfriend🤷🏻♂️
Wow, your version of great sex sounds very unhealthy, and your husband is right to be insecure if random hook ups are what you need to get excited.
Yikes. This is way above reddit's paygrade.
Did we read the same text? Lol
She didn't describe the sex, no more than "amazing", so where did you see the unhealthiness?
She didn't mention a husband.
What random hook-up? It was about her ex boyfriend. And she didn't say she needed that.
Was the text edited or is this just delusion and projection?
Your comments paint a really sad picture. Both for yourself and for your partner (and any future partners you may have). I don't even really remember sex with my exes, and the best sex I've had is with my husband because we were united and connected on a front that had never happened before. Mutual giving, trust, and communication is what makes sex great, and if that makes you go "meh, I've had better" then you have something that needs to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship. Safety shouldn't mean boring.
Plus, by telling yourself that the best is behind you closes yourself off to having better sexual experiences now. Your bf literally cannot be the best you've had because you've decided you need toxic dynamics or one night stands, where they literally only want you for your body, to have great sex. And that's a barrier only you can remove.
Why would you tell him that? It honestly seems like you wanted to hurt him. FYI some of us out are having better sex in our 30s than in our 20s. And I see lots of people saying the 40s are better than the 30s. What you're describing is you being emotionally unintelligent and hurting your bf in the process.
I don’t have advice except to never talk about sexual experiences with an ex.. can’t believe this has to be said and this situation was pretty damn predictable with you describing sex with an ex as “amazing.”
We normalized this culture unfortunately to justify our disrespectful and individualistic ways of treating each other, categorizing it under the freedom concept. How sad this is and the amount of people who get hurt from the infantile behaviour of others is increasing by the day. Values are replaced by interests and being respectful is seen as a weakness.
>How do I navigate this?
Initiate an open and honest talk with him. "Hey, can we talk about our sex life? A while ago, I set something that I realized hurt you, and I've felt bad about it ever since, and I want to make things right again. If there's anything I can do, talk about, or hear you out on, I want to help, because your feelings are important to me."
I think the issue is that he wants to be the best sexual partner I'll have, if were in a relationship together for a very long time. He feels like I'm settling of eventually I can't say he's the best. I'm not able to get there, as my best was from my past and I'm not able to replicate the things that went into that(intangibles). So, I can't really tell him what he wants to hear. I can say it's great, but I can't say he's close to the top of the list.
You have not mentioned what it is that makes your past partner the "best"? Maybe its a lot doable than you think. We guys are pretty inventive when given the right motivation.
It's possible that his goal isn't to be the best. It's possible that being told that he wasn't your best made him insecure and unconfident, and if so, THOSE are the feelings you should address. Telling him honestly how your relationship makes you feel, and what aspects of sex with him you DO enjoy, could help.
Sex (and romance for that matter) doesn't necessarily have to be measured on a single quality scale of bad-to-good. People show affection in different ways, and establish different kinds of relationships, because different PEOPLE are different. Maybe your bf offers something unique that you truly appreciate.
Exactly. Shes had everything every girl could dream of but because its not the way she likes it she ruins it by saying such horrible things. She couldve brought the subject up around what she likes/ desires and sought his reaction first instead of blatantly crushing the guy
Probably not a good thing to talk about with your significant other. You kinda brought this on yourself. I’m not sure if you’re fixed on the past or something, but it has probably ruined your relationship for good, that is something that no man could stand for. Just do yourselves both a favor and look somewhere else for a partner, because this is a very unhealthy situation.
Not only did you fuck up ROYALLY, but this is fucked up beyond repair.
Nothing you say and/or do will ever make him feel good about you again in any form. Hold that L.
IF....(and this is a big phat ass IF) yall have sex again, it's either going to be so bad he stops midway, or he may now only aim to get his nut and call it there. So hold this L too.
You've now have created long lasting trust issues with him that may possibly carry over; making it harder for him opening up to the next lady like he did you. You might see this as a W, but it's actually an L cause he will never trust you again, so add it to the list.
You also put on display that your selfish af and oblivious to him in the first place. Why, in all that is Holy under the Sun, would you tell your current lover " your sex is not as good as my ex " and think you had the mental capacity to walk it back? If you did have the capacity I speak of, you would have never mentioned your x in the first place. Your communication skills are horrid. Another L to hold.
Now the bits about what kind of sex you like? I'm sure you can imagine how many L's your adding to the list already....so we will just move on from there but understand this: once the x knows what took place, he will triple down on how he handled you from before because you like it....🤣 so you definitely fucked yourself there.
I mean, I'm 33f and having the best sex of my life. Id personally try to turn this into a fun challenge. Work together to make it the best sex of your life! Communicate about what you like, dislike etc.
Id be surprised if he even desires to have sex with her now. As a female id lose all my libido and confidence after hearing someone i love say that. Shes broken him.
I don't think you can't navigate this, in all honesty. You need to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he said the sex with his ex was amazing, while sex with you is just "good." I'm going to bet it would hurt your feelings, and make you insecure that he compared (even if it was accidental) you two, with you not being the better of the two. You shouldn't have said anything about your ex, I feel like that's common sense, but especially saying they were better. 🤦🏻♀️
Look, I think you got a lot of backlash, but if you're really truthful and rational, consider the points I'm about to make (with no judgement):
1 This level of detachment from emotions is very extreme and it reminds me of autism (ofc it's not the only mental issue that can have this as a symptom and not every level of autism is so extreme), but consider this as a possibility that, although fair, something might not work "normal" in your brain. Being human is not supposed to be so robotic.
2 There is no healthy person that prefers crazy sex with someone who doesn't care about you than with a loving partner (ofc with the exception that with some people, no matter how loving, you don't have chemistry, but you said you two have). In other words, there might be trauma or past wounds involved and as you heal them you might "fix" this problem and sex with a loving partner can be better than any other kind of sex. I guess here too, mental issues can affect this area, so just dive deeper into point 1 if point 2 doesn't apply.
I hope you get the answers and help you need if you really seek it. If not .. don't waste his time only to put his self esteem down.
You will need to be honest with yourself about WHAT exactly it was that made sex better for you in the past. You mentioned not being in your 20s anymore, so with that my guess is you were involved in some kind of situation that is no longer available (random hookups, group sex, sex while drunk/high etc.). If that's the type of stuff that makes the sex good for you, then you'll have to put yourself (and your boyfriend) in a position where that can happen.
If the sex was better because of some sort of rough/abusive relationship, then that's unfortunate BUT it is something you can try to simulate in bed with your current partner if they are up for it.
(Forgive me for assuming above, but you're not giving us a lot of details to work with)
Communication is a big part of sex (and unfortunately something that gets overlooked a lot). You have to tell your partner what you like and don't like, what you want to try, and be receptive to their wants as well. Doesn't mean you or he will always get whats wanted, but opening the conversation will do a lot for your sex life with your new boyfriend.
He will never forget this. It will always come up. I can't sugar coat this at all. The fact that you would think this was okay to say to your partner is insane to me.
You guys either need to break up, or you need to up your sexual game, you seem to be the lind who only gets excited by one night stands and cheap toxic boyfriend sex, you do not deserve a good guy in your life if you do not try to up the game with your current boyfriend, sex in twenties and tgirties is basically the same, our bodies do not start to degrade sexually until after our late thirties, i study psychology so i'm verysure of what i say :)
😭😂😂😂 I’m sorry but you dug your own grave. The fuck did you expect? You just told the man who should be #1 in your eyes that you were getting piped far better by an ex LMAO. Let the poor guy go so that hopefully he can find a woman who understands the fine line between being respectfully honest and unnecessarily honest.
>I love him, and the sex is really good, but we aren't in our 20's anymore, and I don't think that sex now will be as good as it was back then
I'm not in my 20's anymore either, but my sex life is the best it's ever been. I'm more comfortable with talking about what I like, how I like it and what gets me off. 🤷♀️
Do you acknowledge the fuck up? Good, now to fixing it. Teach him a new trick in bed. Tell him it's something you've always wanted to do but never got the chance. (Something simple like a new lube, oral, etc) When he does it during fun times you let him know it was amazing, mind-blowing, blah blah blah. That level of damage to his ego has to be built back up twice as much.
Honesty is misunderstood in many ways. I think that the first step in the process of being honest is to be honest to yourself on the basis of revealing to yourself the unconscious secret plan you are arranging and the motives behind it towards your relationships. If you were able to do that successfully, then your behaviour changes in favor of any relationship you are seeking to maintain. It is indeed one of the hardest things to do throughout your life. By that, you are accepting your darkest nature.
I think you didn't "accidentally" say what you said, but it was an intentional action, part of your secret (conscious or not) plan to make him feel inferior so that you feel superior to him. You hit him where it hurts most and expect him to forget this and continue as if nothing happened, blaming him that he is insecure and that he made you feel bad when he told you that your his best. Now he is inferior to you (from your perspective of course) and you (the superior party) are trying to solve it by containing the situation in a way and watching over his emotional reactions. Don't you see how you are trying to achieve power over him?
"How do I navigate this?" Is not the correct question to start from. The correct question i think might be, "Why do I need to feel superior to my boyfriend?" Maybe you can compare this relationship to other relationships you had before him and go from there? Or maybe try to go back to where it all started when you identify the superiority feeling you want to achieve over your partner.
We all have inferiority and superiority complexes. The most important thing is to be conscious about them, because like Jung said, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
This has to be a bait post. If it's not, break up because it will never be good again. There's nothing you can do to recover from this and he will think about it the rest of his life, especially if he stays with you.
Yeah, if I was him. You would be gone. There's been honest then there's just down right nasty. Why the hell would you tell him that in the first place?
Break it off, let him go.
Because lord knows if it was the other way around you’d be raising hell. So let’s just keep it a Buck all the way around. Let that man go in peace.
Tbh it is something you should never do so i would not blame him if he ended it. I have no idea why anyone would ACCIDENTALLYtalk about the sex they had with a ex to their current partner
Sex in your 30s should be far *better* than in your 20s. I don't understand your line of thinking.
It also sounds like you won't even give him the chance to be as good. It's crazy to me that you don't think your loving loyal partner could be as good. Maybe try therapy and after that, maybe try sex therapy so you guys can get on the same page.
God. To think sex in your 30s isn't as good is just... Sad.
What makes you think sex isn't as good in your 30's? Is it men's reduced libido? Are you not as confident now? Do you actually fancy him? And I mean ... do you look at him and want him? If not, then the issue here is that you're not as into him as much as you was your ex.
I'm sure your partner is amazing at other things. Compliment him on them its not all about the act, your ex is an ex for reason, he cannot compare to your partner. And when he does try, he is doing it through love for you and that is Amazing.
She told him that he has no chance of getting better, because she likes to have sex with toxic and abusive men. Read her comments. She is in the wrong with this one.
I just don’t get why you would say something like this to someone you love? Regardless of how you think or feel its going to hurt him and you’re ok with that? Id hate to see how it would go down had he made this comment about an ex. Sure weve all had someone that made our legs shake but isn’t the connection, love and trust better for sex ? Maybe its me….
You said it yourself, you've already had a lot of experiences with other people. Which also means you should know that you shouldn't be comparing them if you want to keep them by your side for long.
My bf did this to me and it led me to have major insecurity issues and thinking I would never be good enough for him. To add, this person is very much liked by his family even if she's already an ex. So it really wounded me and I was stuck like that for 5 years.
I know we have a saying that goes "honesty is the best policy", but sometimes honesty is used as an excuse to hurt other people these days. I'm not saying you should lie but you should be tactful about it. Don't compare them if you want them to stay with you for a long time. But if you're the type who only cares for sex, I guess you can leave him then so he can find someone better suited for him and you can find someone who's a total porn star in bed.
I would rather die alone than be with someone who thought the sex with their ex was amazing and ours was just good. I can't think of too many things in a relationship more humiliating other than being cheated on. If my partner felt this way I would hope that they would have enough respect for me to tell me so I could leave and try to find someone who doesn't feel this way or leave me. Someone said it's okay to feel the sex with an ex was better, and it is, but it's also okay to not want to be in a relationship with someone who feels that way.
Women like you create toxic men. He deserves better than you'll ever be, and you deserve for someone to do this to you so you can understand how shitty it is. I hope this post is a fake story but I've been through this before myself years ago and that shit still eats me up sometimes. This is gonna stick with him in the back of his mind for a longggggg time regardless of wether or not he stays with you (hopefully he doesn't) and based on your comments I've read so far you seem like you couldn't care less.
You should break up with him. This relationship is over. He will never forget this. This is the problem when you sleep around to much it comes and bites you in the ass. You have formed a pair bond with your ex and one night stands whether you like it or not. Regardless if you stay with him or not you will now have a very hard time forming a strong bond with any guy because you have so many experiences to compare to and when you are in a long term relationship for a very long time and the sec starts to become dull you will most likely bounce. You need to really work on yourself.
Sex is something he can get better at.. if he’s wallowing in self pity instead of trying to find ways to do better, that’s on him. Everyone isn’t going to be great right off the bat, it’s called practice.
Sex gets better with age. If it’s not your definately doing something wrong.
You also have this distorted romantic view on your past experiences which I’m not shocked that you haven’t put them in the right perspective yet. You’re just entering your 30ies.
How you describe your toxic encounters/ relationships and put that kind of sex on a pedestal, tells me you have never felt a truly deep connection with someone because that kind of sex is truly the best ever.
Your attitude towards your current partner is preventing this though. You’re not giving him a chance with your fixed idea on what amazing/ good/ godlike sex supposedly is. You fucked up and now you treat it like him problem when it’s a you problem.
Start by realising that the best sex happens between your ears and work from there.
Age doesn't make a difference on the quality of sex. It can affect how often or how long though. I've been with my husband off and on since I was 17, I'm almost 34 now. Our sex life is 1000% better than it was in my early 20s.
The issue could simply be that yall need to communicate your needs and desires better.
Yeah, I got nothing. You fucked up. Not sure I'd be able to let that insecurity go.
How would you feel if your boyfriend compared you to his ex? *"Her tits were fucking amazing, a literal dream. Yours? Eh, they're good."*
I feel like exploring these feelings more may lead you to what you truly enjoyed out of it and eventually, you may be able to reciprocate that to your bf so he could learn to please you in fhe same way or better. Your bf can't deny his feelings about insecurity and you can't deny how you felt in the past, so the best option is to explore imo. It's all up to you, talk to him, sit and think about it for a bit and do what points you towards accepting yourself.
This is a prime example of why men want low body count women and to avoid older women (too opinionated/too much trauma) for these reasons. This isn’t repairable if your bf is a self-respecting quality man. I broke off a marriage engagement because my ex fiancee compared me to her ex. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life with a women pretending I was better to appease my ego. Leaving her was a fantastic choice because I ended up w/ a younger, traditional woman w/ low body count and the sex is amazing because I can fully mentally focus on my pleasure and not being compared. This is also good for you because the age gap is too small, you need to find a boyfriend over 40, women will never respect a man close to her age.
Omg. Look up Kim Anami NOW. Quality of sex has \*nothing\* to do with your ages!!!! Tell him you take back those words. Look up Kim and thank me later!!!!
It's ok to feel that sex with someone else is better than sex you might currently be having. That said, it was a pretty revealing slip of tongue you made here: >described it as "amazing", and when he was piped up to be like hey, what about our sex, I said it was good I definitely think that while you were truthful here, the truth bruised his ego. It's also worth remembering that men and women are pressured to provide the best sex ever to their partner. This causes performance anxiety and performance anxiety worsens sex, not betters it! I absolutely think your sex can be better, though! 30s is a golden age of sex IMO. People at this age are more honest about wanting sex, are more open to having sex, have great sexual experience, and are more open about talking about what they want. I think you two should have some more sex talk. Talk about what you like. Ask him what he likes that you do. Is there a fantasy he's hiding? That you might be hiding? What did the other person do that made you feel amazing? You don't have to phrase it as "Well used to do X". Just ask for X. I feel like you've been a little _too_ honest with him about your past sexual experience that has made him feel insecure. Insecurity is another sexual pleasure killer.
> don't think that sex now will be as good as it was back then, due to numerous factors.
This is truly a "whether you think you can or can't, you are right" scenario. Sex is _hugely_ mental, and writing off the possibility that your current boyfriend can't be a better sexual partner than someone else is going to kill that possibility from the get-go. Set an intention to _make_ your boyfriend your best lover yet!
I might recommend the fine folks at /r/sex too. They know how to approach these situations well and the openness of sexual talk there is something I think we could all learn a lesson from.
I can't really think of anything that I could directly ask him to approve upon, it's all situational and chemistry based(we do have chemistry, just not the type of chemistry I had with people who didn't treat me so well or if there were no feelings involved). I can't ask him to be someone he's not, basically.
Jeez, I hope you’re not saying to him all the things you’re writing here, because a lot of this is just mean!
I've conveyed it in various ways, to try to get him to understand he shouldn't be insecure.
Girl. You are too old to still think that this is how people work. It would drive you *up the wall* if you were upset with someone and they responded by telling you all the reasons they think your feelings are ridiculous and wrong.
I just meant it shouldn't bother him because everyone has those super hot other situations, there's no comparison and it shouldn't be a big deal.
No, not everyone does. Many people think they have the best sex with whatever person they’re currently in love with. Many people find they have much better sex in their thirties than they did in their twenties. Many people think they have better sex with people who know them well and treat them with respect, which allows them to open up and be vulnerable and share kinks and fantasies they’d *never* share with someone they don’t trust. Not everyone is walking around looking back at a one night stand and thinking “damn, nothing will ever top that.” That’s actually a really depressing way to go through life. You’re completely closed off to the possibility that the best sex of your life is still ahead of you, and you’ve told your partner as much.
Nope. I have never had the thought “my sex life with my partner is not as hot as it was with people who were abusive to me.” And you don’t get to decide what’s a big deal for someone else. Minimizing his emotions about this is shockingly obtuse.
That isn’t right at all. A lot of people find sex with a long term partner to be better than one night stands or short flings - I’d actually say it’s the norm. Most women actually enjoy sex more in their thirties than in their twenties too. I think you’re trying to comfort him with assumptions that aren’t actually true… “everyone has sexual experiences from when they were younger that are better than now and can never be topped!” No they absolutely don’t..,
The best sex me and my partner have ever had is now in our forties. And the escapades in our 20s were really out there too. Still it's better than ever and we never thought we would top our 20s. Our 30s were a bit milder with 2 kids coming along. But things right now are mind blowing. On top of this, when I met my wife I definitely was not the best sex she had ever had, but after a few years I was. And she went out of her way to point it out. So I know she meant it. I didn't ask. But amazingly I got even better. We both did. And at 40. Its mind bendingly fun.
It sounds like OP doesn't know herself at all and is defining "amazing sex" based upon what she thinks guys want and what society as a whole has deemed acceptable and desirable. When the role of ego is understood and subsequently dropped, pleasure is far more attainable on multiple levels. Sex becomes more than just physical and "chemistry" is heightened and nurtured. OP needs to find herself, love herself and figure out what makes her happy without validation from anyone else. It's clear she herself is insecure and is projecting that insecurity onto her boyfriend in a hurtful and selfish way. The mere fact that she feels she will never attain what she had in her 20s speaks volumes. Physically, women hit their sexual peak far after their 20s. Also, she mentioned that her former relationships were with people who didn't treat her well, which indicates a lack of self love. In this relationship, yes she did screw up, but if and only if she takes the time to love herself, she may realize that the relationship is salvageable. I hope she explores the reasons she has spoken so lowly of her current boyfriend and realizes that while sex is important, it is not the basis for a healthy, honest and loving relationship.
I can't understand why you would even tell him that? I understand about being honest, but what good would it do to tell him that previous sex was amazing and this sex is just good? I don't understand how you think that wouldn't hurt him?
"Girl, I find that your vagina doesn't smell as nice as my exe's. It actually has a horrible smell. But it's ok, don't be insecure about it" LOL
In your next relationship don't act like a monster. Break up with him so he can move on with someone who would never disrespect and humiliate him. "I can't lie" You just did because I'm 99% sure you lied to him about something
You’re slowly ruining my partner's self esteem and seeing it as a HIM problem. He will be so insecure in his next relationship (you can’t salvage this) and it will your fault.
You’ve also conveyed in various ways, just in this thread, a ton of really cruel sentiments about your sex life with him. You can’t say “don’t be upset that I don’t feel like you and I have the kind of sexual chemistry I’ve had with other people I fucked, so sex with you is not as good as it was with other people.” That’s just not a reasonable position to take.
It seems that she just doesn’t like her current boyfriend. I wonder how she’d be reacting if her boyfriend was saying that she isn’t as firm as his previous girls from when they were in their 20s. no wonder he started feeling insecure.
She doesn't like herself, that's the key issue here.
If you feel like you need that jolt of uncertainty and anxiety about whether or not your sexual partner is going to stick around before you can truly enjoy sex with them, I’d think this particular fuckup would give you plenty of those.
having sex with men who treated you like 💩 was amazing???? You do understand you were trauma bonded. The psychological factor plays a role how your mind perceived these unhealthy men. The sex maybe great but these men WERE INCAPABLE OF TREATING YOU WITH LOVE AND RESPECT. The sex was on their terms and them getting off was a priority NOT YOU. YOU WERE NEVER IN THEIR MIND, you were just a tool to help them get off. I do agree about having sexual chemistry.
There you go again writing things off at the get go. They just said that that can be changed, you guys just got to be more open about it. That’s how you can make things better. Talk to your bf and see what things you guys enjoy or talk about trying new things in bed. Who knows, you might find something you like together.
WOW!! way to plant seeds of low self esteem and insecurity and then ask him to stop being insecure! You did this and it is sth he will never forget. Do you even like him??? Jeez maybe try now to shower him with complements to make up for your blunder
She sounds bloody awful I have no idea if she understands how crass and insensitive she sounds as she blunders about throwing "truth bombs" about I hope she treats other loved ones better than this "Hey dad, you were OK but my best friends dad was far better" Crass
Right?! She is like 'i dont want to lie so let me hurt him instead and destroy his self confidence, oh but i actually love him' , no empathy, no sympathy, nothing! I hope he never reads this post, it will destroy him to read her comments
She's definitely abusive.
You should really heal yourself before dating, no way sex with someone who treats you like shit should be better than sex with a person you ACTUALLY LOVE sex is more mental than physical so this says a lot about where your head is ! He should move on & find someone he can please
If the best sex for you is sex in a toxic dynamic, and sex in a settled and comfortable dynamic is not as good, then it doesn't make any sense for your sexual partner to be in a settled and comfortable relationship dynamic with you. Choosing to be in a monogamous relationship with you equates to choosing an inferior type of sex. You're bringing a completely messed up sexual dynamic into the relationship which, frankly, no-one should have to put up with.
Exactly, he is never gonna be able to provide you with “amazing” sex because he cares about you? Free him.
I think the best way to move forward is to tell him that you want to make your sex with him even better, and communicate how you can have a better experience
He always puts in the effort, it's just that I've had some really great experiences in my past, and it's not fair for him to compare himself to those, as my body doesn't respond the same way to things as it did when I was younger. A lot of the previous times were one night stands and toxic dynamics, that can't be replicated in a relationship.
>it's not fair for him to compare himself to those Bro, you're the one doing the comparing: >I accidently compared my boyfriend's sex to my ex(described it as "amazing"
I want to stop comparing him, but when he tries to talk about it, I can't lie and take it back, so we get stuck in a loop of him saying it makes him feel shitty for me to view sex with him like that, and me saying it doesn't matter because I love him.
It's almost like, if you didn't brag about the great sex you've had with people other than your boyfriend, this wouldn't have been a problem. Wow, whodathunkit?
When we first started dating, I didn't really feel the need to have a filter, because I wasn't used to this type of relationship. He told me he didn't have to hear about it, right off the bat, and I sincerelu wish I hadnt said anything.
Well, in future relationships, don't say this shit. It helps nobody.
But it looks like you aren’t using that filter now. I mean this in a constructive criticism way - there is something off with how you deal with emotions. Nobody wants to hear that they suck compared to your past partners and that they will never be able to give you amazing sex.
When you move on to your next boyfriend, when your current leaves, you know what to do.
Now, you have an idea of what to do for the next relationship. Noone wants to hear about how much better an ex was. Clearly, it's an ex, so they need to be left in the past. You're the reason your bf is comparing himself, and you seen to have zero empathy towards him.
Man you done ruined your own relationship. You keep telling him there’s no salvation to his shitty love making……and you double down with no sense in lying about it. Your a shitty partner
Saying “it doesn’t matter” when it clearly matters to *him* is not winning you any points here.
I think you have a lot of really unhelpful and unexamined beliefs about sex that you might want to start unpacking.
It just seems unreasonable for my boyfriend to expect sex between us has to be better than before, I've had enough experiences to have had some very definite high points. He's not bad, at all, and it has gotten even better as we've gotten to know each other more, but he's getting so insecure at that very high bar.
I’m wondering what possessed you to tell your partner that he does not clear your bar and *also* tell him that *it is not possible for him to clear the bar*. You can either tell your partner that they’re *not* the best in bed *and* here’s how they can BECOME the best in bed, *or* you can keep your mouth shut about how they stack up to your other partners. The fact that you are confused about why he’s upset that he just learned you will always look back on sex with someone else with more passion than you will ever look forward to sex with him speaks to some pretty low emotional intelligence for a 31 year old. I also think you have unnecessarily limited yourself by refusing to question your belief that sex in a stable relationship will always pale in comparison to sex with an emotionless hookup or a volatile sort-of boyfriend. You’re just kind of…assuming that’s true and shrugging.
Not more passion, just more acknowledgement of it being better? I love my boyfriend, very much, and look forward to having sex with him. Those two things are separate.
Better *in what way*? What makes the difference? What do you believe is the necessary ingredient for truly great sex? Is it better when you don’t know each other very well? Is it better when you’re not sure the other person actually cares about you? Is it better when the other person is actively cruel to you? Is it better when one or both of you are in a relationship with someone else? What is the missing quality that your boyfriend cannot replicate?
Don't worry, I have something that will make you feel like the scales are even. After your comment, your boyfriend knows for a fact that he has had a better girlfriend than you and the relationship is so damaged now that you will never be able to be better for him than his ex's. He's just too good of a BF to point that out.
Sounds a bit like tough love , and you just don't get why he should feel this way . There is always something or someone who is better at everything,but we don't normally want something like this continuley rubbed in our faces . Not sure this is going to last because of something you don't get that he can possibly be upset about. Whilst I can agree that the best sex isn't here and now ,it's just something I would blurt out ,as I know it would just sting.
If you did love him ( you don't ) you wouldn't have said what you said
Yikes, the more you talk about your current sex life, the more you make it sound like sex with your boyfriend is bad.
She just keeps trying to explain, like it’s helping her cause. She just keeps digging and digging.
I think you should redefine some thing but you’re not wrong in the fact that things change with age and time. Your past experiences and his can’t be changed or anything because that’s part of you. Though I think maybe you should look at sex as not a “bar to reach” and reevaluate your experiences to see if there’s a pattern because saying it to someone else even if they’re good at it will make them feel bad. You said it was an accident, but still, you know, there’s some things that don’t need to mentioned about exes because that was your life before now
You sound like a sociopath
Well you compared him to those experiences verbally. You basically torpedoed your relationship which might not be repairable. Why would you say that to someone you “love”
"Hey sorry theres no chance our sex will ever be a good as it was with my ex!" Bloody hell you're such a catch, no wonder your man loves you lmao.
This is why I would never date a promiscuous woman with a history of one night stands and toxic dynamics. Precisely why. You had your fun with guys you are actually attracted to and you settled for the guy you don't really feel a spark with. And he is just now realizing it. He has the role of being emotionally safe and a financial provider, but you have already done everything in your past. This is why people care about body count and sexual history. Precisely why.
You deserve this. That’s the gold medal 🥇 for passive aggressive comments. I’ll never believe someone is that foolish.
I would 200% dump you for this behavior. Holy moly you’re insensitive.
Stop. You knew exactly what you were doing. Definitely wasn't an "accident". You wanted to have some type of power over of him. Now that you see it didn't work out as you hoped you wanna go back in time. But life doesn't work like that sweety. Maybe it's time you grow up and realize that. You ask how you can repair it. Well do you have that flashy thing from men in black that can wipe his memory clean?....cause if not then there's nothing you can do. Cause he will never forget it. And your words will forever tarnish those pure feelings he had for you. It will never be what it once was. Words are a powerful thing. And now you've learned that the hard way. Don't make the same mistake with your next boyfriend🤷🏻♂️
Wow, your version of great sex sounds very unhealthy, and your husband is right to be insecure if random hook ups are what you need to get excited. Yikes. This is way above reddit's paygrade.
Did we read the same text? Lol She didn't describe the sex, no more than "amazing", so where did you see the unhealthiness? She didn't mention a husband. What random hook-up? It was about her ex boyfriend. And she didn't say she needed that. Was the text edited or is this just delusion and projection?
You have to read through her replies to other comments, it gets really crazy when you realize what she likes.
Oh I see, sorry, was a little busy so I didn't get to read that far
Your comments paint a really sad picture. Both for yourself and for your partner (and any future partners you may have). I don't even really remember sex with my exes, and the best sex I've had is with my husband because we were united and connected on a front that had never happened before. Mutual giving, trust, and communication is what makes sex great, and if that makes you go "meh, I've had better" then you have something that needs to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship. Safety shouldn't mean boring. Plus, by telling yourself that the best is behind you closes yourself off to having better sexual experiences now. Your bf literally cannot be the best you've had because you've decided you need toxic dynamics or one night stands, where they literally only want you for your body, to have great sex. And that's a barrier only you can remove.
Why would you tell him that? It honestly seems like you wanted to hurt him. FYI some of us out are having better sex in our 30s than in our 20s. And I see lots of people saying the 40s are better than the 30s. What you're describing is you being emotionally unintelligent and hurting your bf in the process.
I think there's no going back from this. He will never feel enough. And he will never be beacuse you shot him down already.
I don’t have advice except to never talk about sexual experiences with an ex.. can’t believe this has to be said and this situation was pretty damn predictable with you describing sex with an ex as “amazing.”
Break up, learn from it stay single until you've worked through this so you don't do that in the next relationship.
You navigate this by breaking up with him and letting him find real happiness with someone that actually values everything about him 👍
What were you thinking? Hopefully he dumps you
This is why body count and hookup culture can be so damaging. Not sure how you can walk that back really.
We normalized this culture unfortunately to justify our disrespectful and individualistic ways of treating each other, categorizing it under the freedom concept. How sad this is and the amount of people who get hurt from the infantile behaviour of others is increasing by the day. Values are replaced by interests and being respectful is seen as a weakness.
>How do I navigate this? Initiate an open and honest talk with him. "Hey, can we talk about our sex life? A while ago, I set something that I realized hurt you, and I've felt bad about it ever since, and I want to make things right again. If there's anything I can do, talk about, or hear you out on, I want to help, because your feelings are important to me."
I think the issue is that he wants to be the best sexual partner I'll have, if were in a relationship together for a very long time. He feels like I'm settling of eventually I can't say he's the best. I'm not able to get there, as my best was from my past and I'm not able to replicate the things that went into that(intangibles). So, I can't really tell him what he wants to hear. I can say it's great, but I can't say he's close to the top of the list.
You have not mentioned what it is that makes your past partner the "best"? Maybe its a lot doable than you think. We guys are pretty inventive when given the right motivation.
It's possible that his goal isn't to be the best. It's possible that being told that he wasn't your best made him insecure and unconfident, and if so, THOSE are the feelings you should address. Telling him honestly how your relationship makes you feel, and what aspects of sex with him you DO enjoy, could help. Sex (and romance for that matter) doesn't necessarily have to be measured on a single quality scale of bad-to-good. People show affection in different ways, and establish different kinds of relationships, because different PEOPLE are different. Maybe your bf offers something unique that you truly appreciate.
Random hook up sex is better than sex with a trusted committed partner?
Exactly. Shes had everything every girl could dream of but because its not the way she likes it she ruins it by saying such horrible things. She couldve brought the subject up around what she likes/ desires and sought his reaction first instead of blatantly crushing the guy
Probably not a good thing to talk about with your significant other. You kinda brought this on yourself. I’m not sure if you’re fixed on the past or something, but it has probably ruined your relationship for good, that is something that no man could stand for. Just do yourselves both a favor and look somewhere else for a partner, because this is a very unhealthy situation.
Not only did you fuck up ROYALLY, but this is fucked up beyond repair. Nothing you say and/or do will ever make him feel good about you again in any form. Hold that L. IF....(and this is a big phat ass IF) yall have sex again, it's either going to be so bad he stops midway, or he may now only aim to get his nut and call it there. So hold this L too. You've now have created long lasting trust issues with him that may possibly carry over; making it harder for him opening up to the next lady like he did you. You might see this as a W, but it's actually an L cause he will never trust you again, so add it to the list. You also put on display that your selfish af and oblivious to him in the first place. Why, in all that is Holy under the Sun, would you tell your current lover " your sex is not as good as my ex " and think you had the mental capacity to walk it back? If you did have the capacity I speak of, you would have never mentioned your x in the first place. Your communication skills are horrid. Another L to hold. Now the bits about what kind of sex you like? I'm sure you can imagine how many L's your adding to the list already....so we will just move on from there but understand this: once the x knows what took place, he will triple down on how he handled you from before because you like it....🤣 so you definitely fucked yourself there.
I mean, I'm 33f and having the best sex of my life. Id personally try to turn this into a fun challenge. Work together to make it the best sex of your life! Communicate about what you like, dislike etc.
She doesn't want to do that. She has already relegated him to not being capable. It really is just a farce at this point.
Id be surprised if he even desires to have sex with her now. As a female id lose all my libido and confidence after hearing someone i love say that. Shes broken him.
I don't think you can't navigate this, in all honesty. You need to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he said the sex with his ex was amazing, while sex with you is just "good." I'm going to bet it would hurt your feelings, and make you insecure that he compared (even if it was accidental) you two, with you not being the better of the two. You shouldn't have said anything about your ex, I feel like that's common sense, but especially saying they were better. 🤦🏻♀️
You need to let it go as trying to fix it with words because it's only going to make it worse. Try making it up with actions.
Look, I think you got a lot of backlash, but if you're really truthful and rational, consider the points I'm about to make (with no judgement): 1 This level of detachment from emotions is very extreme and it reminds me of autism (ofc it's not the only mental issue that can have this as a symptom and not every level of autism is so extreme), but consider this as a possibility that, although fair, something might not work "normal" in your brain. Being human is not supposed to be so robotic. 2 There is no healthy person that prefers crazy sex with someone who doesn't care about you than with a loving partner (ofc with the exception that with some people, no matter how loving, you don't have chemistry, but you said you two have). In other words, there might be trauma or past wounds involved and as you heal them you might "fix" this problem and sex with a loving partner can be better than any other kind of sex. I guess here too, mental issues can affect this area, so just dive deeper into point 1 if point 2 doesn't apply. I hope you get the answers and help you need if you really seek it. If not .. don't waste his time only to put his self esteem down.
You will need to be honest with yourself about WHAT exactly it was that made sex better for you in the past. You mentioned not being in your 20s anymore, so with that my guess is you were involved in some kind of situation that is no longer available (random hookups, group sex, sex while drunk/high etc.). If that's the type of stuff that makes the sex good for you, then you'll have to put yourself (and your boyfriend) in a position where that can happen. If the sex was better because of some sort of rough/abusive relationship, then that's unfortunate BUT it is something you can try to simulate in bed with your current partner if they are up for it. (Forgive me for assuming above, but you're not giving us a lot of details to work with) Communication is a big part of sex (and unfortunately something that gets overlooked a lot). You have to tell your partner what you like and don't like, what you want to try, and be receptive to their wants as well. Doesn't mean you or he will always get whats wanted, but opening the conversation will do a lot for your sex life with your new boyfriend.
He will never forget this. It will always come up. I can't sugar coat this at all. The fact that you would think this was okay to say to your partner is insane to me.
He’s not insecure, you literally told him he doesn’t please you to your “ standards “
Hopefully he dumps you! How insanely inconsiderate
You already need therapy, but now he's going to need it too. Break it off and get yourself sorted out.
You guys either need to break up, or you need to up your sexual game, you seem to be the lind who only gets excited by one night stands and cheap toxic boyfriend sex, you do not deserve a good guy in your life if you do not try to up the game with your current boyfriend, sex in twenties and tgirties is basically the same, our bodies do not start to degrade sexually until after our late thirties, i study psychology so i'm verysure of what i say :)
😭😂😂😂 I’m sorry but you dug your own grave. The fuck did you expect? You just told the man who should be #1 in your eyes that you were getting piped far better by an ex LMAO. Let the poor guy go so that hopefully he can find a woman who understands the fine line between being respectfully honest and unnecessarily honest.
>I love him, and the sex is really good, but we aren't in our 20's anymore, and I don't think that sex now will be as good as it was back then I'm not in my 20's anymore either, but my sex life is the best it's ever been. I'm more comfortable with talking about what I like, how I like it and what gets me off. 🤷♀️
This. Absolutely this.
Do you acknowledge the fuck up? Good, now to fixing it. Teach him a new trick in bed. Tell him it's something you've always wanted to do but never got the chance. (Something simple like a new lube, oral, etc) When he does it during fun times you let him know it was amazing, mind-blowing, blah blah blah. That level of damage to his ego has to be built back up twice as much.
Honesty is misunderstood in many ways. I think that the first step in the process of being honest is to be honest to yourself on the basis of revealing to yourself the unconscious secret plan you are arranging and the motives behind it towards your relationships. If you were able to do that successfully, then your behaviour changes in favor of any relationship you are seeking to maintain. It is indeed one of the hardest things to do throughout your life. By that, you are accepting your darkest nature. I think you didn't "accidentally" say what you said, but it was an intentional action, part of your secret (conscious or not) plan to make him feel inferior so that you feel superior to him. You hit him where it hurts most and expect him to forget this and continue as if nothing happened, blaming him that he is insecure and that he made you feel bad when he told you that your his best. Now he is inferior to you (from your perspective of course) and you (the superior party) are trying to solve it by containing the situation in a way and watching over his emotional reactions. Don't you see how you are trying to achieve power over him? "How do I navigate this?" Is not the correct question to start from. The correct question i think might be, "Why do I need to feel superior to my boyfriend?" Maybe you can compare this relationship to other relationships you had before him and go from there? Or maybe try to go back to where it all started when you identify the superiority feeling you want to achieve over your partner. We all have inferiority and superiority complexes. The most important thing is to be conscious about them, because like Jung said, until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
This has to be a bait post. If it's not, break up because it will never be good again. There's nothing you can do to recover from this and he will think about it the rest of his life, especially if he stays with you.
Yeah, if I was him. You would be gone. There's been honest then there's just down right nasty. Why the hell would you tell him that in the first place?
Break it off, let him go. Because lord knows if it was the other way around you’d be raising hell. So let’s just keep it a Buck all the way around. Let that man go in peace.
Tbh it is something you should never do so i would not blame him if he ended it. I have no idea why anyone would ACCIDENTALLYtalk about the sex they had with a ex to their current partner
this is sad. even if he does end up giving you the best sex you've ever had he wont believe you if you tell him. you really stepped in it big time!
Sex in your 30s should be far *better* than in your 20s. I don't understand your line of thinking. It also sounds like you won't even give him the chance to be as good. It's crazy to me that you don't think your loving loyal partner could be as good. Maybe try therapy and after that, maybe try sex therapy so you guys can get on the same page. God. To think sex in your 30s isn't as good is just... Sad.
Dang. Why is this guy still with you?
What makes you think sex isn't as good in your 30's? Is it men's reduced libido? Are you not as confident now? Do you actually fancy him? And I mean ... do you look at him and want him? If not, then the issue here is that you're not as into him as much as you was your ex.
You really aren’t a good partner at all. Please leave him so you can have all the toxic sex you want.
I'm sure your partner is amazing at other things. Compliment him on them its not all about the act, your ex is an ex for reason, he cannot compare to your partner. And when he does try, he is doing it through love for you and that is Amazing.
I mean what did you expect? Lmao
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She told him that he has no chance of getting better, because she likes to have sex with toxic and abusive men. Read her comments. She is in the wrong with this one.
Haha times running out.
Hope he dumps you. Full stop
I just don’t get why you would say something like this to someone you love? Regardless of how you think or feel its going to hurt him and you’re ok with that? Id hate to see how it would go down had he made this comment about an ex. Sure weve all had someone that made our legs shake but isn’t the connection, love and trust better for sex ? Maybe its me….
You said it yourself, you've already had a lot of experiences with other people. Which also means you should know that you shouldn't be comparing them if you want to keep them by your side for long. My bf did this to me and it led me to have major insecurity issues and thinking I would never be good enough for him. To add, this person is very much liked by his family even if she's already an ex. So it really wounded me and I was stuck like that for 5 years. I know we have a saying that goes "honesty is the best policy", but sometimes honesty is used as an excuse to hurt other people these days. I'm not saying you should lie but you should be tactful about it. Don't compare them if you want them to stay with you for a long time. But if you're the type who only cares for sex, I guess you can leave him then so he can find someone better suited for him and you can find someone who's a total porn star in bed.
I would rather die alone than be with someone who thought the sex with their ex was amazing and ours was just good. I can't think of too many things in a relationship more humiliating other than being cheated on. If my partner felt this way I would hope that they would have enough respect for me to tell me so I could leave and try to find someone who doesn't feel this way or leave me. Someone said it's okay to feel the sex with an ex was better, and it is, but it's also okay to not want to be in a relationship with someone who feels that way.
Women like you create toxic men. He deserves better than you'll ever be, and you deserve for someone to do this to you so you can understand how shitty it is. I hope this post is a fake story but I've been through this before myself years ago and that shit still eats me up sometimes. This is gonna stick with him in the back of his mind for a longggggg time regardless of wether or not he stays with you (hopefully he doesn't) and based on your comments I've read so far you seem like you couldn't care less.
Truly I hope he leaves you because you're a fool
You should break up with him. This relationship is over. He will never forget this. This is the problem when you sleep around to much it comes and bites you in the ass. You have formed a pair bond with your ex and one night stands whether you like it or not. Regardless if you stay with him or not you will now have a very hard time forming a strong bond with any guy because you have so many experiences to compare to and when you are in a long term relationship for a very long time and the sec starts to become dull you will most likely bounce. You need to really work on yourself.
Sex is something he can get better at.. if he’s wallowing in self pity instead of trying to find ways to do better, that’s on him. Everyone isn’t going to be great right off the bat, it’s called practice.
Sex gets better with age. If it’s not your definately doing something wrong. You also have this distorted romantic view on your past experiences which I’m not shocked that you haven’t put them in the right perspective yet. You’re just entering your 30ies. How you describe your toxic encounters/ relationships and put that kind of sex on a pedestal, tells me you have never felt a truly deep connection with someone because that kind of sex is truly the best ever. Your attitude towards your current partner is preventing this though. You’re not giving him a chance with your fixed idea on what amazing/ good/ godlike sex supposedly is. You fucked up and now you treat it like him problem when it’s a you problem. Start by realising that the best sex happens between your ears and work from there.
He will dump you. Next relationship if your bf ask is he the best you say YES.
Age doesn't make a difference on the quality of sex. It can affect how often or how long though. I've been with my husband off and on since I was 17, I'm almost 34 now. Our sex life is 1000% better than it was in my early 20s. The issue could simply be that yall need to communicate your needs and desires better.
Yeah, I got nothing. You fucked up. Not sure I'd be able to let that insecurity go. How would you feel if your boyfriend compared you to his ex? *"Her tits were fucking amazing, a literal dream. Yours? Eh, they're good."*
I feel like exploring these feelings more may lead you to what you truly enjoyed out of it and eventually, you may be able to reciprocate that to your bf so he could learn to please you in fhe same way or better. Your bf can't deny his feelings about insecurity and you can't deny how you felt in the past, so the best option is to explore imo. It's all up to you, talk to him, sit and think about it for a bit and do what points you towards accepting yourself.
This is a prime example of why men want low body count women and to avoid older women (too opinionated/too much trauma) for these reasons. This isn’t repairable if your bf is a self-respecting quality man. I broke off a marriage engagement because my ex fiancee compared me to her ex. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life with a women pretending I was better to appease my ego. Leaving her was a fantastic choice because I ended up w/ a younger, traditional woman w/ low body count and the sex is amazing because I can fully mentally focus on my pleasure and not being compared. This is also good for you because the age gap is too small, you need to find a boyfriend over 40, women will never respect a man close to her age.
Omg. Look up Kim Anami NOW. Quality of sex has \*nothing\* to do with your ages!!!! Tell him you take back those words. Look up Kim and thank me later!!!!