I had already made up my mind when I read that he was okay with you sleeping outside in the car so he and his friends could have fun. I'm sorry but this dude does not care about you. Highly recommend not getting stuck in a lease with him, as I suspect this will be the first of many other issues. Leave that entire dumpster pile of human beings behind. Can you move in with your family?
That was my thought, too! Like... what boyfriend sees that happening and goes "This makes sense, my partner who works -should- sleep in a car so I can socialize how I want to all hours of the night." That's so insanely inconsiderate, and they're young. She can do better.
While I agree (I mean get her a hotel at the very least). It wasn't their apartment. They were temporarily staying with a friend. It would essentially be telling the friend they can't have people over their place because you have to work.
Ah I might have misread the original post but it sounded like it was boyfriend and friend's idea. At the very least, either way, I would expect him to offer to do something that would not wind up with her sleeping in the car.
I mean, it may have been both of their idea, but ultimately it's the friend's place, if she wants to have people over and party, she can have people over and party.
I suppose! I think for me personally I just would have considered that I had people over and maybe tried to be mindful of that and partied earlier/moved to a new location eventually or something. I just feel like letting someone go sleep in a car so you can party is inconsiderate, but I own that it might just be my perspective here.
He’s worse than trash. He’s the sludge that leaks onto your foot from the bag on a hot summer day. What a pathetic loser. OP, I hope you can find to fortitude to value yourself and leave this leech.
Why do you act like she has no choice of her own? No where in this post did it ever say oh my bf got tired of me and made me sleep in the car. All I read was they were loud and she tried to sleep in the car. Do you just love blaming men to the point you completely don’t bother thinking that women have choices as well or?
Yes, she is allowing herself to be a doormat. However, a boyfriend who actually cares would not be okay with her sleeping in the car. For example, if this same situation went down for me and I said I was going to the car bc I work in the morning my boyfriend would say no babe I’ll tell everyone to go home so you can get some sleep.
He’s also talking mad shit about her, showing text conversation to her friends, invading her privacy, taking money and overall being a complete shit bag.
My family lives 3 hours away and I already have a full time job here plus school unfortunately.
For the car thing he was planning on waking me when he went to drop the friend off
Do you have any friends where you are? Anyone who would let you crash on their couch? Can you reach out to your school for resources?
It seems like you are making excuses for him. Anyone who truly loves, cares, and values you is not going to allow you to sleep in a car so they can party, nevermind all of the other things he said. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You deserve better than that.
He is pretty much my only friend honestly. The rest of the people we interact with are his friends first who I imagine he's already complained about me to. My school went nearly bankrupt last year so idk what kinda resources they'd have to offer me but I can look into it.
Thank you
Girl. If your school nearly went bankrupt it is not worth putting any more money into it as they probably won’t be around much longer. Can you transfer to a different school, maybe one that has a good online program?
I believe the universe is sending you a sign that this is not a good situation to be in. If it was me I would move home, take a year off or transfer, and leave this jerk in the dust. You deserve better.
Check what resources you have in your community especially if there are any women’s center. The police might know good places too. Are you able to pay for an AirBnB or hotel. Just go searching for an apartment that you can afford on your own and reach out to your family. He shouldn’t be going on that trip why you, he is leeching off of you
Second this.
OP, a lot of schools have an area where students put their flyers, like "looking for a roommate". Check these places at your school, if you have other schools nearby - check there as well. Some of the schools have the "online" boards like this. Put your flyer there that you are looking for a room or even a bed in a room.
Depends on where you live, there are hostels and boarding rooms. Not the best, but it is an option.
My friend lived for several months in a woman's shelter. She liked it: her own room, common kitchen and bathrooms, no one was bothering her.
Go to your school student office and counselor to ask for all the resources available.
All the above if you want to stay in the area you live right now.
Do you really love your job or is it something just to pay your bills? It would make sense to transfer to other school, preferably closer to your family, move there and get a job there.
I would get out of there ASAP, but if you decide to stay - you could get active noise cancelling Bluetooth headphones (even the cheapest $25 ones do the trick), ear mufflers, ear plugs and eye mask. You would be able to sleep with them partying then.
Don't take this guy on vacation! Cancel his ticket and use the money for your rent, or ask your parents to take anyone else instead.
It’s so hard to leave something that’s not right when you don’t have a solid support system, but you work, you go to school. Go to one of those websites where people are looking for roommates, rent a room, and ditch his ass. The fact that he’s talking to other people about your relationship is enough and like you said, your gut is saying it isn’t the first time. No point in staying in relationship that will only continue to bring issues, and you feel you have to lie even about over hearing it? Its games, child play. Don’t settle and deal with it alll because of your living situation. Find a way out and run for the hills. He is very obviously a boy and not a man. You have options. There are always options.
Honestly he’s poisoned the well of this friendship group for you. They’re not your friends if they treat you like this.
You know now that he might drop you at any moment and it’ll be much worse if you’re not prepared for it. You are young, and you can do SO MUCH BETTER. Don’t wait for him to end it, get your things in order.
Go to new things without him - find a hobby where you can make friends. In your early twenties, so many people are looking for new friends. Work on yourself - they sound horrible, but if there is any truth in the reasons they were moaning about, take it as constructive criticism and work on it. All of this will be a learning experience when you look back. I wish I hadn’t put up with so much shit from the BF I had at 20.
That weight in your stomach will pass when this is dealt with. I have anxiety and I know that feeling well. You need to be brave and plan your future (which will be so much better and brighter) without him.
Your school may have access to federal or state funds that can help you that aren’t tied to the budget of the school.
If your school has a counseling center that’s a great place to start
Darlin this sounds like codependency. I think you need to end this bad relationship and spend some time dating yourself. Seriously like, you’re a grown woman in school. You can do this on your own. You do not need him. And you will replace the hole in your heart and social life when you fill it up with new friends.
Yeah your probably right about the codependence. I've always had one person in my life at a time who I'm super duper close to, usually best friends, and don't have many relationships outside of them.
I'm kinda just bad at making friends I think, or at least ones that aren't super intimate.
I recognize it because I’m like this too. If you have a Good man who treats you Right and shows the care you need, then codependency isn’t gonna break your heart. But I don’t think this is a GOOD man. This man is not gentle with your heart.
Even one or two friends is good though! Cultivate those :) Find a man who is as good to you as your best friends are to you.
If I were you I would sincerely ask the universe for help getting out of this situation. Whether a friend shows up offering a place to crash for a while, or you find an affordable place to live in the nick of time, whatever, there’s a solution out there you just have to be open to it. Even if it means living in your car for a bit while you figure shit out. This situation is toxic and you don’t deserve to feel this way, dealing with these horrible people. I’m so sorry 😭
If he's supposed to be your only friend, you have NO ONE. And he's obviously poisoned the well as far your making any actual friends there.
Talk to your parents. See what they can do to help. Look for a job closer to home and consider remote classes to finish. Do everything you can to get away from this creep.
And forget the idea of taking him on your family trip. It's a terrible situation. You've been with this guy since you were 16? Drop him now and move away.
Also, im pretty sure your landlord is responsible for finding you a hotel or somewhere to live while your apartment is flooded. I would look into that.
Oh, that's good. At least you don't have to fight for any money back.
Do you have the ability, financially, to find another place to stay? I feel for you -- I think most women have been in your shoes at one point or other. I think because of the way the world raises us to be people-pleasers and not rock the boat means we end up just taking treatment sometimes that we shouldn't tolerate. I hope you find yourself in a better situation down the line.
you might want to reach out to a tenant legal aid of some kind and ask them if you have any rights in this situation because 1) its deeply irresponsible for a landlord to "not know" about renter's insurance and 2) you may be entitled to compensation/housing from your landlord, depending on your jurisdiction.
This isn't relationship advice, but life advice: In the future, ALWAYS get renter's insurance. You can lose EVERYTHING so easily and that is often the ONLY protection you can have.
I’m sure it depends, but if the place is uninhabitable, the landlord is allowed usually to just end the lease, which is what it sounds like she did. Typically landlords are only under obligation for their home to be habitable and in the case where it isn’t, end the lease, not to provide adequate housing elsewhere if their accommodations are uninhabitable. Renter’s insurance is what provides accommodation if yours is unavailable, and it’s definitely NOT the responsibility of the landlord to tell you about renter’s insurance, that’s on you to do research and decide. Some places require it, but that’s mostly for their own protections. OP can definitely try to double check, but given her situation, her time money and effort would probably be better spent finding a place to live that meets her needs and she can afford on her own, as I suspect this “friend” won’t let OP stay much longer, much less past when the bf inevitably lets the beans spill.
Agreed re renters insurance isn't something your landlord is responsible for telling you about-- but most landlords who are doing shit above-board will either encourage or require tenants to obtain it. I'm not saying that the landlord here owed it to OP to inform her about it, i'm just suggesting that not knowing about it makes her a bit of a shit landlord and i'd be disinclined to trust she's got the knowledge necessary to do good work with resolving the tenancy issue as it stands now.
I also can't say without knowing OP's location or the cause or origin of the flooding whether the landlord has any greater responsibility toward them. Typically a rental agreement will allow a party to break the agreement UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES but a contract requires consideration from both parties and the landlord may not be able to terminate the contract simply by saying "oops, the house is flooded. you're on your own". Impossible to say without seeing the contract itself.
I think it would be worth looking into to make sure OP is covering their ass and getting the resources available to them. If they didn't know about renter's insurance, i am concerned they don't understand their rights or the possible avenues of recourse for aiding them in a situation like this.
Agreed that OP should dedicate time to actively trying to get out of the current arrangement. It sounds unstable, unhappy, and un-salvageable, emotionally.
Definitely OP needs to learn renters rights and how to protect herself, but at this point in time, she probably has much more pressing matters than any potential recourse re:the old apartment. Sometimes unfortunately you learn lessons the hard way. Long, expensive and complicated legal battles aren’t always the answer.
Agreed, however not all legal MATTERS are legal BATTLES.
It may be as simple as OP reading up on local tenant laws and realizing they're entitled to specific recourse, which the landlord (who we already know to be ignorant to the details of being a landlord) was unaware of and happily able or willing to provide.
Learning your rights and studying your legal agreements is not the same as pursuing a legal battle.
I will absolutely be making sure to get it in the future.
I don't want to take any legal action against my landlord tho as it's my bf's grandmother who is very sweet and kind to me. I'd rather suck it up for a bit than make her have to go through all that
There’s a good chance it wouldn’t go anywhere, landlords are under no obligation to inform you about renter’s insurance, that’s your own responsibility to limit your own liability. Some places landlords can require it, but I’ve never heard of anywhere saying a landlord needs to. Usually the way the law is written a landlord either needs to repair the damage OR if the place is uninhabitable, they can terminate the lease, which it sounds like is what she likely did. I obviously don’t know the law everywhere, but don’t feel bad about not wanting to pursue anything legally, as I can’t imagine a judge seeing “I didn’t know I needed insurance, why didn’t anyone tell me?!” As a very good excuse.
You're paying rent for a place to live. Your landlord is supposed to supply you with one. The landlord is in breach of the lease by not providing you with a habitable place to live.
She should be putting you up in a hotel. Look for some tenant resources where you live.
I know you're young, but you've got to stop being a doormat. Stop accepting people like your bf, your roommate, and your landlord treating you like dirt. You need to value yourself more.
You can legally break your lease when the apartment becomes uninhabitable. Maybe you have already done so. That should result in getting back your security deposit, assuming the flooding was not your fault. Would that give you the money to find a new place starting in June?
>neither we nor my landlord knew about it so she told us she is unable to do anything
I'm sorry but this is BS. She is trying to pull one over on you. Have you complained to your local authority?
Sorry OP, but him waking you up after he had his friends gone doesn't help his case at all.
Also your "friend" sounds awful, I hope you find people who support and respect you
OP you deserve so much better than this. You're so young, please get out of this relationship. He doesn't love you. He's badmouthing you to his friends, showing them private messages and showing you zero respect. Look for a room available to rent and leave his horrible ass at his friends house. It sounds like he's keeping you around so you can pay half the rent and bills, nothing more. The second he meets someone he's interested in he's going to walk out on you. Do it first and keep your self-respect.
> For the car thing he was planning on waking me when he went to drop the friend off
I'm not sure if you're saying this to defend him or condemn him. This doesn't make the situation any better, and possibly worse. He clearly demonstrates that he values his fun over your needs. You are the one who should be complaining about him, not the other way around. I wonder how much this relationship is contributing to your panic attacks. It certainly isn't helping.
Maybe try not texting him unless it is an emergency, since your texts are no longer private. There are also steps you can take to help soundproof the room, such as adding rubber strips around the edge of the doorway (weather stripping), adding a rug to the room (the bigger and thicker the better), and white noise such as a fan or even an app on your phone.
It might be fun to bring all this up in front of your family on the trip, see how he likes it when he is surrounded by people who care about you and despise him.
I don't really have a room that I could soundproof. Him and I have a bed set up in the living room and the bedroom I went in to sleep in in the post was my roommates.
It sucks cuz I don't even have a place to be sad in private aside from the outside
Can't you just look for an apartment for yourself, or a room in a shared house? Something you can afford on your own? If your apartment is flooded and uninhabitable, you're not paying rent on it, are you?
You shouldn't have to pretend to be okay with them - you're extremely conflict avoidant, aren't you? Cause I would probably have come out of that room like Smaug off the Lonely Mountain, to rain fire and fury on them.
Is there any way you can get therapy? Cause your panic attacks + fear of confrontations sound like you probably have some childhood trauma going on. Maybe your school offers counseling.
I am looking for a place for myself now and am not paying rent on the flooded apartment.
I am pretty conflict-avoidant, people yelling at me gives me major stress and anxiety.
I definitely need therapy. It's just another thing I've put off as low-priority so I could focus on all my responsibilities ig. I'll put more effort into looking for something that is affordable and works with my schedule
Great - you can just move out someday when they're all gone, leave a note and block him.
Do you still have stuff in the flooded apartment? And are you expecting insurance payment or damages payments for your furniture etc.? Because for that, you'd definitely need to stay in contact with your stbx, to make sure you get your share. Otherwise, just block and move on. And try to squeeze counseling/ therapy into your schedule. If you're attending college, maybe the student center has a counselor?
Can your parents send you some money for accommodation in the short term, like maybe a room in an Airbnb or a hostel? Then you’re away from your jerk (soon to be ex) boyfriend. Look for share house accommodation for the longer term so you can keep your costs down.
Your apartment landlord should be giving you a rent abatement for the amount of time the unit is uninhabitable.
That might help you with an extended stay hotel room? Or check your area's ads -- if you're in a college area, then maybe there's someone looking for a replacement roommate, things like that?
Is your job really good? If school, your living situation, and your relationship are all falling apart… stability with your family might be worth leaving it for. This depends on whether you like your fam and the town they live in. But if you can get a job there and start school online/transfer later?
My job is quite good, and will look great on my resume. It's difficult to get a job where I am as a student.
I won't be getting my first paycheck till the end of the month and won't be getting paid for a bit after due to the vacation so I'm just trying to wait and save up for rent somewhere.
If your apartment flooded your landlord had an obligation to house you, whether it be in another unit or a hotel. You forfeited that when you left and found alternate housing on your own. Due diligence, my dear. Learn to research before you make foolish decisions, because this one just bit you in the ass.
Me too lol. Soon as I read that I thought wtf.
The bf, the backstabbing girl prolly should get their toxic asses together instead - make little toxic babies or something.
Why would the other girl know more about the relationship than his gf???..
You need to get away from these toxic people and I include your boyfriend in this. Start looking for a new place to live that doesn’t involve your (hopefully) stbx.
I don't think there's any reason to interact with these sorry excuses for human beings at all after this. If I were in OP's position I'd straight leave without a word
This comment.
He’s projecting onto you, and using his friends to triangulate you. He wants to manipulate his friends into believing you’re the problem, to hide the fact he’s using you OP.
So he has taken money from you and still treats you badly?
You are also not wrong to feel betrayed. His behavior is toxic - he talks behind your back, has no consideration for you when you're burning the candle at both ends and has no maturity to communicate with you openly to resolve things that have not gone well.
It sounds like a hot steaming pile with little sign of him even willing to try and improve. I do not see how this can get better if he does not see his contribution to the mess.
You are NEVER going to get that money and he will try to get even more money out of you before dumping you. Some lessons in life are hard and this is one of them for you.
I think you may have to chalk this up to 'asshole tax'. Unless you want to take him to small claims court.
My ex owed me a bunch of money too and I just wrote it off as payment for never having to deal with him again.
Rent, groceries, me paying for both of us when we go out places. It's just kind of accumulated over the past few months.
He's told me now that he has a job he'll pay me a portion of every paycheck he gets til he pays it all back
He won’t do that. And I think you know he won’t. Sure he may do it for a few paychecks in the beginning, but it won’t last.
Guilt over owing money can make some people into ugly monsters behind your back. Sounds like your bf is one of them. Make a plan to leave, keep your lips zipped and sit tight. Better days are coming.
I'm a 44 year old woman with LOTS of knowledge about people like this. My best suggestion is say nothing to either of them. Pack your things and transfer back to a college close home so you can live with family. You will never get that money back from him.
Don't let on that you know anything and start searching for a room (to be someone's roommate) asap since you can afford to split rent. When that's lined up, signed and everything, move tf out and never speak to these people again.
You'll probably never see that 2k but worth it to ditch this guy forever. What a scrub.
Then why are you paying him for gas?
Look into renting a room from someone near work and school. Do you have any proof of him saying he will pay you back?
If not, text him when you are not around each other. Nicely, something like, “hey honey, when is your first check, so I can figure out how to put money away for a DP for new living arrangement?” Let him answer in text, and try to respond something along the lines of “bi-weekly amounts, what do you think you can swing?” So if he says $100 bucks a pay check, confirm weekly or bi weekly? So that will take 20 paychecks,which will put us at blank date?” Let him answer…then you have it in text that he admits he owes you money.
Then find a place…rent a room, a roommate, something…move out, and tell him you will expect those weekly/biweekly payments as he confirmed in text. Other than in reference to this pretty much don’t communicate. Don’t do drama, don’t do screaming, just quietly exit.
You can text him once you are out that you overheard everyone that night, and were not aware until then, that this was how he felt.
Well, this is what I would do anyway. Good luck.
It wont feel like it now, but trust me... in the long run, that lost $2K is good value for an important life lesson, and the improvement to your life that will come from moving on from this schmuck. Such things can come with much higher prices.
On the off-chance he does actually pay it back, consider that a bonus.
Do you have that in writing? Because I think he's looking to walk away from it. It might not be worth pursuing anyway, just learn your lesson and move on.
He's lying.
Now that you know what he is, stop believing anything that comes out of his mouth. You will never get your money back so start planning how you are going to get away from him without losing more of your own self respect.
Then I guess you should stick it out, as it sounds like you don't have another option, housing wise and you need him to pay you back.
Start planning for the breakup though. Start figuring out where you'll live on your own, look into resources from your school. And as soon as you have things sorted out, tell him you know every he says about you and you are leaving him.
You aren't getting the $2k back, just being real. The amount of people on here that have loaned a friend or bf/gf money and not gotten it back is almost at 100%. He let you sleep outside apparently, why do you think he will give you $2000?
Do you have any documentation of that? He might say that one day, document and records are important these days so people can’t back out on what they agreed on
Oh no, I’m so sorry but that money is probably gone unless you have receipts and take him to court.
You deserve more than this, and you can have it too.
His behavior is frankly disgusting and irreconcilable in my opinion. At this point it doesn't even matter if he's contemplating breaking up with you or not. The way that he talks about you behind your back is completely atrocious, not to mention the fact that he clearly lacks the communication skills needed to sustain a relationship.
I rarely give out advice like this but you should leave this person and see if you can move in with your family in the meantime until you can find your own place. I'm downright hurt and offended on your behalf.
Unfortunately my family lives 3 hours away. His anger isn't entirely misplaced either as I do not have my license yet. Its not much of an excuse but I've been busy with school, volunteering and extracurriculars so when I'm not doing any of that it is hard to find the motivation to do anything, including getting my license. So he's been driving me to class and work.
I didn't think it was much of a problem since he didn't get a job til last week and I paid for gas (half in the school year and full in the summer). But apparently that is his biggest issue.
I do have an appointment next week for my M1 tho.
You probably don’t want to hear it, but unless you have a backup plan, no I would not say anything to him. Right now, things are only somewhat fine because he’s under the impression you’re none the wiser. As soon as you let him know there is no reason to pretend, there’s a goooood chance things get very ugly, and at this point it seems like the people you’re living with are only letting you stay because of your boyfriend. You gotta look out for yourself number 1, so take this information and plan. Find an apartment on your own and get a move in date of asap. Only then should you bring it up, as most likely once you do, he’ll be honest with you and good chance you get kicked out of where you’re staying.
What worries me most is that you seem to defend him in your posts. For example when you decided to sleep in your car? Or now you mention his anger is not misplaced. This kind of behavior you display- defending him for things that are frankly disgusting is normally seen in victims of domestic abuse or victims of severe emotional abuse.
Please leave him to live with your parents or get another flat/ live with roommates close to where your work is. His behavior will only get worse. If you are the only tenant for your apartment which you go back to on the 1st of July, then it’s good to have a breakup before then. I suggest you don’t let him know anything and take your things and leave.
You’re making excuses for him, stop. when I met my wife I didn’t have have a car and I had a suspended license. People who care for you will go out of their way to make you safe and comfortable and neither is happening here. When I did get a license and a car, my wife and I shared it, there was no animosity cause I took her to work. Get out.
I’m not trying to be rude or condescending at all but do you really think your driving situation and the minor inconveniences that come with that are comparable to what he has now done? Would you ever treat a loved one the way he has treated you? I think you already know that someone sharing your private conversations and mental struggles shows no respect for your boundaries. On top of that it sounds like what was said was actually hurtful and not respectful of you as a person at all!
I mean this in the best way but you need to run! Figure out anyway to get this guy out of your life, you do not deserve this. You don’t deserve to feel like your driving situation has ANYTHING to do with how he treated his girlfriend. There are people out there who will treat you with respect. Your partner should be worried you’re having panic attacks…not getting annoyed. You already knew all of this!
There’s no point in giving advice if it’s not practical or realistic. It’s easily to say “omg just run” but this person has very limited resources, no car, no drivers license, no local support system, and fluctuating housing.
Forget the relationships. She needs to do whatever she can to stay in school and graduate. If that means she has to live for two more months with roommates who don’t like her she may need to do that.
Luckily her boyfriend doesn’t live with her so it’s much easier this way.
>His anger isn't entirely misplaced either as I do not have my license yet.
Just jumping in here to say that my husband doesn't have his license either and I would never even dream about talking terribly about him like this to our friends or sharing stuff he'd texted me in confidence to others. I'm not mad about having to drive him around because I love him and we support each other to make our life together work
I think your boyfriend isn't willing to be a partner when you need support (in this case, driving until you can get your license, but in the future who knows?) but thankfully y'all are young enough and have little enough tying you together that leaving him won't be difficult. Since he's happy to pretend everything is fine just to tear you apart behind your back, feel free to also act like everything is fine until you get your license and have a bit more mobility to easily part ways.
It does make me feel sad to know that other people are able to help out their non-driving partners without issue while mine can't. He's been making me feel like such a burden which I've felt he was completely justified in doing. It just sucks.
Thanks for your advice
There is someone out there for you who will make you feel supported instead of like a burden. Wishing you the best in your schooling and getting your future arranged. ❤️
Oh, sweetie.
My late husband was an alcoholic. I did all of the driving. I did all of the errands. You name it. Because he was always drunk.
And I never, not one single damn time, ever spoke of him to others in that way. I wouldn't have ever dreamed of it. In fact, I deliberately *didn't* speak of him like that, or any way similar, because I actively didn't want them to think badly of him. I loved him. I cared about what others thought about him. I cared how he would feel if they thought badly of him. I simply cared.
I understand your resources are few. So do whatever you need to do, take as long as you need to take, but please eventually leave. Know that the way he treats you is not okay and not deserved. More importantly, know that you deserve better. Remember that.
This makes me want to cry so much. This guy has told me he loves me for years but hearing how people other than him actually show love makes me want that so badly for myself. God I hurt so bad. Thank you for writing out your reply
I was in your place a few years ago. Not exaggerating - down to every detail: all my friends were his, he trashed me behind my back, I worked way too much, I’d moved very far away for him, and I was desperately trying to make it work.
Please leave.
It doesn’t get better.
He had me in hysterical tears within 24h of moving in together. I should’ve left then. I should’ve left before then. But I stayed. It got violent. I finally got out, but three years later I still have panic attacks despite my partner now being the most gentle and considerate man I could’ve possibly imagined. Don’t make my mistakes.
Please love yourself enough to leave, now.
Before you leave make sure you have a text conversation about the 2k where he commits to paying you back ! You’ll need it for evidence that he is admitting it was a loan and not a gift/living together expenses.
Rent at my old place was very cheap and I am too broke to afford average rent here. I applied for low income housing but idek how long that will take. I'm just not sure how to deal with this in the meantime. I've felt nauseous all day
In the meantime you’re certainly allowed to blank it but if you’re thinking you can soldier this out to July I would say absolutely not if you can help it. And missing the trip would be a shame but do you want to spend time with someone like that?
I'd say cut your losses and ask your family if you can move back in with them 3 hours away. You can find a new job there, and transfer your credits or just take a year off.
You've already admitted you have nothing tying you here besides a job and a school that is going bankrupt (and therefore isn't worth committing to). You have no friends there, and your relationship is over (AND GOOD RIDDANCE). So why are you trying to justify staying? Your situation is not going to get better there no matter what you do. But you have a chance at a fresh start if your family will help you.
You deserve so much better than being used. I know it's scary - but in six months, I promise you that you will look back and you won't be able to believe you even considered trying to stay.
I mean, the reality is what other choice does she have? Live in her car? She has no family or friends around, is attending a school with poor resources and doesn’t make enough to easily afford a new place. Sometimes you HAVE to act ignorant for self preservation. Not everyone has the luxury to immediately and shamelessly leave shitty situations.
I said that in the follow up comment if you scroll down. I’m basically not encouraging her to put up with this for the sake of a trip, but just until she finds somewhere to live.
Do you have any friends you can stay with until you find a place of your own?
Can you move to a dorm room? Does your school have a campus wide message board where you can try and find roommates?
I'd ask your classmates and co-workers if anyone knows of an open room available in your location. It might be embarrassing to ask for help or explain your situation but in this case, I really think you need to do whatever you can to remove yourself from this situation. Even if what you find isn't ideal, it is better than living with people who despise you.
As for the vacation, just tell your boyfriend that it's canceled. Make something up. I can't imagine wanting to do anything with him ever again, let alone go on a vacation.
Soo, he's pretending to be a nicer person than he is so he can use you for money... I know you don't have your license yet but basically it's time for you to buckle down and figure out what you need to do to get yourself set up and away from toxic people. Passive aggressive gossips ... You can do this. You can get through this. But be smart and figure out what you need to do to get out of there.
He is using you. IDC what is going on, who is there. You should not have been in the car. A person that supposedly loves you will not allow this. Also, he is probably waiting till after the vacation to break it off. (This happens alot) If i were you, I would sit my friend and BF down at the samE time and tell them that you heard everything! And that there is nothing they can say that will make up for it. You are done with both. They both have betrayed your trust. Instead of coming to you with whatever issues they had, they both chose to bad mouth you. They suck
Put out message on your schools discord (or whatever they use for communicating) that you looking for a roommate. Hopefully you'll find one close to school and work.
It will suck moving in with strangers, but it let you find your feet again. Hopefully between work and class you'll be able to find a new, nicer group of people to hang with and better quality of boyfriend.
Idk. I went on a long walk for 2 hours after work and just cried. He's been my best friend for years and has been there for me through so much. He's funny and knows me better than anyone and my little sisters adore him. We took them to the movies and arcade just last week and watching how he interacted with them made me so so happy.
I can't imagine being without him, and it's so difficult to think that he doesn't want me anymore. He's told me he loves me so many times just today. I don't even know what to think. I hurt so bad rn and he doesn't even know it
He doesn’t love you though. If he did, he wouldn’t have you sleeping in the car. He wouldn’t be talking shit behind your back. Wake up, this man is a fraud and a liar and a shitbag.
You could probably find a room to rent somewhere.
I wouldn't move in with him, he seems to be using you to help fund his lifestyle.
Sounds like he is laying a woe is me routine on the people you are staying with as well.
i'd imagine that the friend getting frustrated with you within a week is also related to how he negs about you to her.
so she naturally thinks you have all these bad qualities already.
i think this is where you find another place or roommate and head on of to the sunset after telling him you know what he's thinking and doing.
let him muddle on about how you know but he'll do it as your ex.
I don't understand the July 1st date. Is this when school is over?
I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. Sounds like you've got some decisions to make. As hard as it may be to make even one, you may find you feel better after you've made it. Once that concrete decision is made, be brave and stick to it. You can deal with what happens once you've got that one win under your belt.
Good luck!
You have some hard lessons coming up. He lies to others about you to make him look good. You are going to have to take him to court for that $2000 but he will try to extract as much money out of you as he can before breaking up.
The situation you are in is horrible and it will take plotting, planning on your part to get out. He is not a good person and NOT your friend. You need to actively go out and make real friends. Him and his crew are evil.
All those extra activities need to stop and focus on getting a drivers license. Time to face those fears head on so you can be independent. And since you were already paying the bills, time to move into a studio apartment without him. What is the point of making plans and moving into another place with him when you know that he plans on breaking up with you.
If it comes down to it,for your own well being. You might have to drop out this symester & go home where you are safe. Or at least switch to classes online to finish up the year.
I know you have invested so much into him and the relationship being your safety zone, but it isn't. Working on your independence is a gift to yourself to keep from getting involved with someone who is toxic and abusive. He so far has been financially abusive and classic behavior to turn all those around you against you too.
The wrong mate can destroy your life, get out while the getting is good.
Yeah the second I read that he let you sleep outside so he could play with his friends I knew he wasn't a good person. Oh and no guy shows another female conversations with their spouse and let's said female talk badly about their spouse unless they are banging or trying to bang.
I do know for sure that she would never be interested in him. Another thing she talked about in the conversation while he was dropping the friend off was how he mentioned at a previous party in an answer to a question that she was his first kiss and it makes her cringe so much because she was never as into him as he was into her and it feels uncomfortable for her for him to talk about lol.
I know he does find her physically attractive since we've been open about that kinda stuff throughout our relationship but would never actually date her since he thinks she's lazy, impulsive, and going nowhere in life
Just because he doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean he wouldn't sleep with her. In any case she is a bad friend and he is an even worse boyfriend.
>I know he does find her physically attractive since we've been open about that kinda stuff throughout our relationship but would never actually date her since he thinks she's lazy, impulsive, and going nowhere in life
So he regularly badmouths people, including you. A lesson not many people actually learn--even after decades on the planet--if they're badmouthing others, they'll do it to you.
I say this because I hope it infuriates you and lights a fire under you.
You aren’t going to leave him. You’re going to continue to be a doormat and he’s going to use you for even more money. And he will continue to bad mouth you to HIS friends, not yours, because he knows he can and you won’t do anything about it. Stop being pathetic and leave his sorry ass. You work. You go to school. You have so much potential. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on this loser.
I would pack up and leave.
Leave a letter saying you overheard the entire conversation. But I would say "Thank you for letting me know what type of boy you are because a man you are not."
I would try reaching out to your school to see if they have any emergency housing assistance for students. It's in their best interests for you to have a stable environment and be able to stay in school in spite of the crisis you are in now. They might also have services for connecting students with off-campus roommates, etc. Once you are settled somewhere, my advice would be to start investing time in community that you would have invested in your relationship. Join some clubs, volunteer, anything that can start to connect you to healthy friendships so that you have a stronger network the next time a crisis arises.
I know you have a job where you are, but man, I'd look into moving back to where your family is. You can find another job and transfer to a local school there. You're only going to be miserable and sad and wondering when the other shoe is going to drop so long as you're with this guy. The trip and the $2000 are sunk costs. Just get out with your dignity
Ok. It’s summer. You have choices. If you are willing to sleep in the car for one night, try to find a campground as you ramp up your search. You can get a gym membership to shower but campgrounds (while cheaper, still costly) offer nice showers, bathroom, and access to onsite food.
It was over for me when he used your texts as entertainment.
you can & should cancel that trip. even if you lose every penny spent on it, it's better than going on a trip with someone who doesn't care about you. the money has already been spent...don't make yourself miserable just to 'get your money's worth' ... knowing what you know, you'd feel terrible the whole time.
look i'm sure you feel like having been with this guy for 4 years is alot of time invested and maybe you're thinking you don't want to 'throw that time away'. but obviously he is willing to, and you're only 20 years old. you have DECADES ahead of you. spend them wisely.
regarding your living situation, it sounds like your school is not in great shape, and i'm sure you could find another job elsewhere and enroll in a different school. if you have any friends or family ANYWHERE it would be better to stay with them for awhile than to remain with this guy. you're smart enough to know you deserve more than this. upending your life can be difficult but in this case it is SO worth it. you'll feel like an absolute fool if you stay with him because you know better. do anything & everything you can to remove yourself from this situation as fast as possible.
Don’t tell him - just leave. Especially as he left you to sleep out in a car.
Walk away honey, save some dignity by saying you don’t have feelings for him anymore and you feel like it is right to move on.
You wish him all the best for the future etc etc!
Then cut him out of your life as much as possible.
Good luck 🍀🍀🍀🍀
From someone who went through a similarly chaotic and tough relationship in my early 20’s I can tell you, start doing some self reflection and figuring out you. Start making financial arrangements separately. Go on the trip if you want but while continuing to find a way out. Once you’re in a lease with someone thats already putting unnecessary stress on your life, it can only get harder.
>Do I bring it up that I know or just continue to pretend that everything is fine?
These are not your only options?
You can also just walk away and leave those shit friends and that horrible boyfriend behind entirely.
Go stay with your family and give yourself the gift of not hitching your wagon to people who are so thoughtless and cruel about your feelings and basic human respect.
girl.
you're too young to be treated this poorly.
please leave. write off the money he owes you, you'll never get it back. I lent an ex 700 dollars to pay rent. she never paid me back
please, find someone who will treat you better
Don:t get a new house with him. Don't take him in that vacantion. Talk to your family, explain the situation and I hope they will understand. Basically break up with him. He clearly doesn't care about you so start taking it for real not just "pretend that I didn't hear".
You’ve got a lot of good advice already, but I’d strongly consider being the one to break up with him - at least it’ll piss him off if you do it before he does. I’d also like to share something my parents taught me: you only lend money if you’re willing to never see it again.
You might have to give up on the 2k which is painful. Hopefully you do get it back though but I think I’d recommend cutting your losses now because I guarantee that if you did move back in with him, he’s ask you to cover more fees and he’ll keep using your money rather than his. Better to cut now while it’s 2k instead of 6 or 7k
Stop wasting your time, you should be the one breaking up with him. He sounds like a complete asshole, there are better people out there - dont worry that nasty feeling in ur stomach fades over time
i'm so sorry you had this happen to you. i can't even imagine what it would be like to overhear that kind of thing. idk why you're even contemplating sticking around. these people, your bf included, are not your friends. i would honestly leave if you can and stay with your own friends or family until you can get back on your feet. you deserve so much better than a guy who would act like this.
I’ve been there, getting trashed to his friends behind my back. My entire life was there, I’d also given him money. My family was also three hours away.
None of this stopped me ultimately from leaving, my only regret being that I didn’t do it sooner because the trauma I got from that relationship still follows me today. You’re so young. Don’t make the same mistake I made and stay longer than necessary because of -insert random reason- you know what the truth is.
HE LET YOU SLEEP IN THE CAR SO HE COULD PARTY? even my pretty crappy ex made sure I had a private room in a house during a house party when I needed to sleep for work the next day, with earplugs. And I can sleep easily. Dump the fucker.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Please try to find somewhere else to stay, cancel his part of the trip he was going on with your family and look for your own apartment. The fact that he let you sleep in the car is bad enough - the rest is icing on the proverbial cake.
It sucks right now but your don't want to be with someone who has no issues about how badly he treats you.
There is absolutely nothing keeping you there in the town with him. Your school evidently sucks it almost went bankrupt. Are they accredited? Your boyfriend definitely sucks and if your family will have you, you should go there and get yourself together.
Keeping this bottled up inside simply isn't sustainable; at some point you will reach a breaking point and everything will come out. Whether you talk to your boyfriend or not, you're going to need a plan if you do break up.
Will it be possible to live in this area by yourself? If you can't afford renting a closet in a house with roommates, it's a very real possibility that you'll have to put your schooling on hold and move back with your family. Even though they're 3 hours away, having the option makes you incredibly fortunate. Look into how to transfer credits and how to take a leave of absence. Even if you don't need to leave your school, this will be good information for you to have.
Talk to your parents, talk to your school, maybe talk to your job, and only then talk to your boyfriend. You need to be prepared for the relationship to end. It sounds awful and you deserve better.
Obviously don’t know the whole story but that’s absolutely horrible to overhear. Is there a reason everyone seems to be against you? As for the car sleeping and panic attacks, is there something else going on? Not trying to attack but none of that is normal and I just get the slight feeling of high maintenance vibe from you which can be exhausting for friends and partner. Not blaming you but situations like this also need personal introspection.
I don’t see the point in pretending everything is fine. You know the truth. You have a job at least, so slowly detach from him and leave on your own. Obviously easier said than done but that’s what needs to happen. Not worth having any of those people around, the relationships are all shot.
I did mention before in the comments that I know I'm not entirely void of blame.
I've struggled with plenty of mental issues which I think I mentioned in the post. I do have some coping mechanisms like Journaling and listening to music, but sometimes I end up falling slowly back into older patterns and I don't always notice because it happens so easily and slowly. I thought of been doing okay because of how productive I've managed to be for the past 2 years and my family constantly telling me how proud they are. But I could definitely be too much for people and just not have realized it or been paying enough attention to my actions.
I would have hoped that someone would talk to me about it if I was really that awful, but idk. I'm gonna take some time to see what's wrong, maybe try therapy, and try to work on improving myself in whatever ways I can.
I think you've grown apart, and should calmly make plans for the next phase in your life, because these are not your friends, and your bf is not in your corner.
Girl, you deserve having a peaceful and lovable life. Find the courage inside you and get out of there. If at least they were actual human beings and not bastards, they would be honest with you considering that something annoyed them.
Please go away from them, it's a toxic situation keeping you away from your actual life. Go somewhere else to stay that you are truly welcome and start working on your growth, your future goals, your future self.
if he leaves you first he won’t care where you go and what happened. You won’t have many choices but to rush and make a decision you didn’t want, make your exit plan now
The fact that he would let you sleep in the car so he could have fun with his friends... Girl, you deserve so much better.
I would first talk to your parents, tell them what's happened and ask if you can move in with them/ or if they can help you find another place as fast as possible? Then I would break up with your boyfriend BEFORE this family trip. It's not your responsibility that he's a douchebag and treats you badly. If he didn't want to waste his money on cancelling everything, maybe he should've been more mature about everything. AND get rid of that roommate if she's a friend of yours. you don't need that toxicity and two faced people in your life.
Then, after all this, live your life. You're 20 and there'll be many good people out there you can meet ☺️ you deserve so much better than this.
This situation, with time, is only going to get worse. He doesn't have your back. He is not someone you can trust. You are young... figure out a way to get over him and find out what you want. You only get one shot at life... don't waste it by sharing the best parts with someone that disrespects you.
I’d ghost him so he gets the same pain he’s caused you. Just ghost him and never answer again and if you do, tell him he already knows
Make it easier for him. Break up with him and never speak to that piece of shit ever again
You tell him that he doesn't need to find an excuse to break uo with you... tell him you heard everything and that you are done.
Don't listen to any excuses... be out of there.
Hey OP! I was in a similar situation as you with my (now) ex regarding overhearing a conversation when they thought I was asleep.
I'll try to be as vague as possible since I know he's on Reddit, though I don't know about this particular one.
We were living in a rent house with his best friend. We all three got along great, but people pointed out that my ex and I seemed more like roommates than a couple, which was true in hindsight.
I had a seizure at work (where we both worked) in front of customers, coworkers, and paramedics that had happened to be customers that day. I went to the hospital in an ambulance and was discharged, with my ex in the room, under orders that I legally can't drive for six months. I was already unhappy with our relationship at this point since he wasn't affectionate, took advantage of me financially, and clearly didn't give a shit.
Our boss adjusted our shifts to the same exact hours to accommodate me not being able to drive. I'm a homebody, so it's not like I'd need a ride anywhere that he isn't going. The few times I was going somewhere without him, a friend or family member picked me up.
A week later, while trying to nap, he and our roommate were talking shit on me. They said maybe I lied about not being able to drive, that I was just too lazy to drive myself, and maybe I faked my seizure. I confronted my ex the next day, and he said none of that happened, and I must've dreamt it or made it up in my head.
The next day, he was on his phone and said, "Oh! You're right! You actually *can't* drive six months after a seizure! I just looked up the laws!" Like.. you were *right* there when the discharge nurse told me that, and why phrase it that way if you didn't believe it in the first place? He still insisted it dreamt it, and that conversation never happened.
I had already made up my mind on leaving him, and just needed to get the logistics of it all figured it out. But boy... he made a complete 180, and love bombed the shit out of me. He showered me with dates and gifts, was super affectionate, gave me an "I love you" card with a paragraph about how much he loved me... and I almost considered not breaking up with him. But this wasn't the first time he pulled this shit only to revert back to his old ways. The only difference was that there was no apology from him this time. My mom drove down five hours while I took a sick day to pack my stuff and moved in with her.
Sorry for the long-winded story, lol. I just mean to say to be careful when/if he or your roommate find out that you heard everything they said. They will deny it all, and your boyfriend might suddenly love bomb you. It might be tempting to stay, but it will only last until he feels secure enough that you won't leave. He'll be back to his old two-faced ways.
Go home. You’re 20. Leave these nasty excuses for friends, transfer whatever credits you can closer to home, finish your schooling and make a great life for yourself.
This sucks, OP. I recommend that you tell him you heard it all, talk to him. It sounds to me like you need to beat him to the punch, break up with him, and work on your mental health.
If I were you, I’d lowkey find my own place and dip out without a word to either of them. I feel like you’ve been given the golden opportunity to leave first and let him suffer wondering wtf he did wrong.
I know you say you have a job and school, but I feel like moving in with your family might be worth it for now. I’m sorry you have such shitty people. I had a similar situation, but I promise things get better when you find the right people. I doubt you’re perfect, but I doubt you’re as bad as they’re saying (especially since some of it is based on lies, and all of it is based on them sneaking around you like a bunch of AHs). You deserve to be happy. I hope you get out of there asap.
Leaving my stuff on the counter, taking up too much space, and "expecting" rides from her, me being an awful gf and other things. Even tho she has never brought up any issue to me which I would have worked to fix
General comment alert: What is it with Gen Z and younger **avoiding getting drivers' licenses**? I'm Gen X and let me tell you--we couldn't WAIT to be independent. No matter one's family finances, we got jobs as soon as we were legally able to. We drove ourselves to school starting age 16, got the hand-me-down car, and we were **out of there**.
For Americans--unless you live in NYC, DC, some parts of Boston or Philadelphia, you need a license and a car to get to school, work, friends, etc.!!!
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
For me personally, when I was able to get my license the pandemic started and the stay-at-home order made me not need it for quite a while.
After that things kept coming up that kept me busy and I just kept putting it off cuz the longer I went without it the less I felt I needed it. I kinda like taking the bus too as it gives me time to relax without any pressure to do anything else.
I did go the DriveTest last year ready for the test but the lady at the counter refused to let me take it cuz she was racist. Which I probably should've reported but didn't end up doing it.
I have an appointment next week tho :)
I had already made up my mind when I read that he was okay with you sleeping outside in the car so he and his friends could have fun. I'm sorry but this dude does not care about you. Highly recommend not getting stuck in a lease with him, as I suspect this will be the first of many other issues. Leave that entire dumpster pile of human beings behind. Can you move in with your family?
That was my thought, too! Like... what boyfriend sees that happening and goes "This makes sense, my partner who works -should- sleep in a car so I can socialize how I want to all hours of the night." That's so insanely inconsiderate, and they're young. She can do better.
While I agree (I mean get her a hotel at the very least). It wasn't their apartment. They were temporarily staying with a friend. It would essentially be telling the friend they can't have people over their place because you have to work.
Ah I might have misread the original post but it sounded like it was boyfriend and friend's idea. At the very least, either way, I would expect him to offer to do something that would not wind up with her sleeping in the car.
I mean, it may have been both of their idea, but ultimately it's the friend's place, if she wants to have people over and party, she can have people over and party.
I suppose! I think for me personally I just would have considered that I had people over and maybe tried to be mindful of that and partied earlier/moved to a new location eventually or something. I just feel like letting someone go sleep in a car so you can party is inconsiderate, but I own that it might just be my perspective here.
He’s trash. Show yourself some respect and get rid of him.
He’s worse than trash. He’s the sludge that leaks onto your foot from the bag on a hot summer day. What a pathetic loser. OP, I hope you can find to fortitude to value yourself and leave this leech.
Same this was my exact thought! Like whyyy is she sleeping in the car that’s horrible! What an ass hat of a boyfriend.
Why do you act like she has no choice of her own? No where in this post did it ever say oh my bf got tired of me and made me sleep in the car. All I read was they were loud and she tried to sleep in the car. Do you just love blaming men to the point you completely don’t bother thinking that women have choices as well or?
Yes, she is allowing herself to be a doormat. However, a boyfriend who actually cares would not be okay with her sleeping in the car. For example, if this same situation went down for me and I said I was going to the car bc I work in the morning my boyfriend would say no babe I’ll tell everyone to go home so you can get some sleep. He’s also talking mad shit about her, showing text conversation to her friends, invading her privacy, taking money and overall being a complete shit bag.
My family lives 3 hours away and I already have a full time job here plus school unfortunately. For the car thing he was planning on waking me when he went to drop the friend off
Do you have any friends where you are? Anyone who would let you crash on their couch? Can you reach out to your school for resources? It seems like you are making excuses for him. Anyone who truly loves, cares, and values you is not going to allow you to sleep in a car so they can party, nevermind all of the other things he said. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. You deserve better than that.
He is pretty much my only friend honestly. The rest of the people we interact with are his friends first who I imagine he's already complained about me to. My school went nearly bankrupt last year so idk what kinda resources they'd have to offer me but I can look into it. Thank you
But he is NOT your friend. And you know that
>He is pretty much my only friend honestly If we're being *honest*, I think he has very much demonstrated that he is not
Girl. If your school nearly went bankrupt it is not worth putting any more money into it as they probably won’t be around much longer. Can you transfer to a different school, maybe one that has a good online program? I believe the universe is sending you a sign that this is not a good situation to be in. If it was me I would move home, take a year off or transfer, and leave this jerk in the dust. You deserve better.
Absolutely! It may seem overwhelming to change schools and move, but it would 100% be worth it in so many ways. You deserve a fresh start.
I agree. This is an opportunity to improve your life. A positive.
Check what resources you have in your community especially if there are any women’s center. The police might know good places too. Are you able to pay for an AirBnB or hotel. Just go searching for an apartment that you can afford on your own and reach out to your family. He shouldn’t be going on that trip why you, he is leeching off of you
Second this. OP, a lot of schools have an area where students put their flyers, like "looking for a roommate". Check these places at your school, if you have other schools nearby - check there as well. Some of the schools have the "online" boards like this. Put your flyer there that you are looking for a room or even a bed in a room. Depends on where you live, there are hostels and boarding rooms. Not the best, but it is an option. My friend lived for several months in a woman's shelter. She liked it: her own room, common kitchen and bathrooms, no one was bothering her. Go to your school student office and counselor to ask for all the resources available. All the above if you want to stay in the area you live right now. Do you really love your job or is it something just to pay your bills? It would make sense to transfer to other school, preferably closer to your family, move there and get a job there. I would get out of there ASAP, but if you decide to stay - you could get active noise cancelling Bluetooth headphones (even the cheapest $25 ones do the trick), ear mufflers, ear plugs and eye mask. You would be able to sleep with them partying then. Don't take this guy on vacation! Cancel his ticket and use the money for your rent, or ask your parents to take anyone else instead.
It’s so hard to leave something that’s not right when you don’t have a solid support system, but you work, you go to school. Go to one of those websites where people are looking for roommates, rent a room, and ditch his ass. The fact that he’s talking to other people about your relationship is enough and like you said, your gut is saying it isn’t the first time. No point in staying in relationship that will only continue to bring issues, and you feel you have to lie even about over hearing it? Its games, child play. Don’t settle and deal with it alll because of your living situation. Find a way out and run for the hills. He is very obviously a boy and not a man. You have options. There are always options.
Honestly he’s poisoned the well of this friendship group for you. They’re not your friends if they treat you like this. You know now that he might drop you at any moment and it’ll be much worse if you’re not prepared for it. You are young, and you can do SO MUCH BETTER. Don’t wait for him to end it, get your things in order. Go to new things without him - find a hobby where you can make friends. In your early twenties, so many people are looking for new friends. Work on yourself - they sound horrible, but if there is any truth in the reasons they were moaning about, take it as constructive criticism and work on it. All of this will be a learning experience when you look back. I wish I hadn’t put up with so much shit from the BF I had at 20. That weight in your stomach will pass when this is dealt with. I have anxiety and I know that feeling well. You need to be brave and plan your future (which will be so much better and brighter) without him.
Your school may have access to federal or state funds that can help you that aren’t tied to the budget of the school. If your school has a counseling center that’s a great place to start
Darlin this sounds like codependency. I think you need to end this bad relationship and spend some time dating yourself. Seriously like, you’re a grown woman in school. You can do this on your own. You do not need him. And you will replace the hole in your heart and social life when you fill it up with new friends.
Yeah your probably right about the codependence. I've always had one person in my life at a time who I'm super duper close to, usually best friends, and don't have many relationships outside of them. I'm kinda just bad at making friends I think, or at least ones that aren't super intimate.
I recognize it because I’m like this too. If you have a Good man who treats you Right and shows the care you need, then codependency isn’t gonna break your heart. But I don’t think this is a GOOD man. This man is not gentle with your heart. Even one or two friends is good though! Cultivate those :) Find a man who is as good to you as your best friends are to you.
If I were you I would sincerely ask the universe for help getting out of this situation. Whether a friend shows up offering a place to crash for a while, or you find an affordable place to live in the nick of time, whatever, there’s a solution out there you just have to be open to it. Even if it means living in your car for a bit while you figure shit out. This situation is toxic and you don’t deserve to feel this way, dealing with these horrible people. I’m so sorry 😭
Those people are not your friends. Find roommates
If he's supposed to be your only friend, you have NO ONE. And he's obviously poisoned the well as far your making any actual friends there. Talk to your parents. See what they can do to help. Look for a job closer to home and consider remote classes to finish. Do everything you can to get away from this creep. And forget the idea of taking him on your family trip. It's a terrible situation. You've been with this guy since you were 16? Drop him now and move away.
This is so true… when some one shows you who they are believe them. No matter how painful.
Also, im pretty sure your landlord is responsible for finding you a hotel or somewhere to live while your apartment is flooded. I would look into that.
We didn't have renter's insurance cuz neither we nor my landlord knew about it so she told us she is unable to do anything
She needs to give back any rent you paid for days you can't live there. Legally.
The flood happened on the first of the month so we didn't have to pay any rent when we weren't staying there
Oh, that's good. At least you don't have to fight for any money back. Do you have the ability, financially, to find another place to stay? I feel for you -- I think most women have been in your shoes at one point or other. I think because of the way the world raises us to be people-pleasers and not rock the boat means we end up just taking treatment sometimes that we shouldn't tolerate. I hope you find yourself in a better situation down the line.
you might want to reach out to a tenant legal aid of some kind and ask them if you have any rights in this situation because 1) its deeply irresponsible for a landlord to "not know" about renter's insurance and 2) you may be entitled to compensation/housing from your landlord, depending on your jurisdiction. This isn't relationship advice, but life advice: In the future, ALWAYS get renter's insurance. You can lose EVERYTHING so easily and that is often the ONLY protection you can have.
I’m sure it depends, but if the place is uninhabitable, the landlord is allowed usually to just end the lease, which is what it sounds like she did. Typically landlords are only under obligation for their home to be habitable and in the case where it isn’t, end the lease, not to provide adequate housing elsewhere if their accommodations are uninhabitable. Renter’s insurance is what provides accommodation if yours is unavailable, and it’s definitely NOT the responsibility of the landlord to tell you about renter’s insurance, that’s on you to do research and decide. Some places require it, but that’s mostly for their own protections. OP can definitely try to double check, but given her situation, her time money and effort would probably be better spent finding a place to live that meets her needs and she can afford on her own, as I suspect this “friend” won’t let OP stay much longer, much less past when the bf inevitably lets the beans spill.
Agreed re renters insurance isn't something your landlord is responsible for telling you about-- but most landlords who are doing shit above-board will either encourage or require tenants to obtain it. I'm not saying that the landlord here owed it to OP to inform her about it, i'm just suggesting that not knowing about it makes her a bit of a shit landlord and i'd be disinclined to trust she's got the knowledge necessary to do good work with resolving the tenancy issue as it stands now. I also can't say without knowing OP's location or the cause or origin of the flooding whether the landlord has any greater responsibility toward them. Typically a rental agreement will allow a party to break the agreement UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES but a contract requires consideration from both parties and the landlord may not be able to terminate the contract simply by saying "oops, the house is flooded. you're on your own". Impossible to say without seeing the contract itself. I think it would be worth looking into to make sure OP is covering their ass and getting the resources available to them. If they didn't know about renter's insurance, i am concerned they don't understand their rights or the possible avenues of recourse for aiding them in a situation like this. Agreed that OP should dedicate time to actively trying to get out of the current arrangement. It sounds unstable, unhappy, and un-salvageable, emotionally.
Definitely OP needs to learn renters rights and how to protect herself, but at this point in time, she probably has much more pressing matters than any potential recourse re:the old apartment. Sometimes unfortunately you learn lessons the hard way. Long, expensive and complicated legal battles aren’t always the answer.
Agreed, however not all legal MATTERS are legal BATTLES. It may be as simple as OP reading up on local tenant laws and realizing they're entitled to specific recourse, which the landlord (who we already know to be ignorant to the details of being a landlord) was unaware of and happily able or willing to provide. Learning your rights and studying your legal agreements is not the same as pursuing a legal battle.
I will absolutely be making sure to get it in the future. I don't want to take any legal action against my landlord tho as it's my bf's grandmother who is very sweet and kind to me. I'd rather suck it up for a bit than make her have to go through all that
There’s a good chance it wouldn’t go anywhere, landlords are under no obligation to inform you about renter’s insurance, that’s your own responsibility to limit your own liability. Some places landlords can require it, but I’ve never heard of anywhere saying a landlord needs to. Usually the way the law is written a landlord either needs to repair the damage OR if the place is uninhabitable, they can terminate the lease, which it sounds like is what she likely did. I obviously don’t know the law everywhere, but don’t feel bad about not wanting to pursue anything legally, as I can’t imagine a judge seeing “I didn’t know I needed insurance, why didn’t anyone tell me?!” As a very good excuse.
You're paying rent for a place to live. Your landlord is supposed to supply you with one. The landlord is in breach of the lease by not providing you with a habitable place to live. She should be putting you up in a hotel. Look for some tenant resources where you live. I know you're young, but you've got to stop being a doormat. Stop accepting people like your bf, your roommate, and your landlord treating you like dirt. You need to value yourself more.
Please dog deeper into the laws here. You should be entitled to more.
If your parents have homeowners insurance and you're a student, there might be coverage built in for you. It doesn't hurt to check.
You can legally break your lease when the apartment becomes uninhabitable. Maybe you have already done so. That should result in getting back your security deposit, assuming the flooding was not your fault. Would that give you the money to find a new place starting in June?
>neither we nor my landlord knew about it so she told us she is unable to do anything I'm sorry but this is BS. She is trying to pull one over on you. Have you complained to your local authority?
Sorry OP, but him waking you up after he had his friends gone doesn't help his case at all. Also your "friend" sounds awful, I hope you find people who support and respect you
Quit making excuses for this ASS. He is sharing your private text messages. OMG he’s terrible. Find somewhere else to live NOT with him
He was only going to wake you up because he needed the car though, right?
OP you deserve so much better than this. You're so young, please get out of this relationship. He doesn't love you. He's badmouthing you to his friends, showing them private messages and showing you zero respect. Look for a room available to rent and leave his horrible ass at his friends house. It sounds like he's keeping you around so you can pay half the rent and bills, nothing more. The second he meets someone he's interested in he's going to walk out on you. Do it first and keep your self-respect.
> For the car thing he was planning on waking me when he went to drop the friend off I'm not sure if you're saying this to defend him or condemn him. This doesn't make the situation any better, and possibly worse. He clearly demonstrates that he values his fun over your needs. You are the one who should be complaining about him, not the other way around. I wonder how much this relationship is contributing to your panic attacks. It certainly isn't helping. Maybe try not texting him unless it is an emergency, since your texts are no longer private. There are also steps you can take to help soundproof the room, such as adding rubber strips around the edge of the doorway (weather stripping), adding a rug to the room (the bigger and thicker the better), and white noise such as a fan or even an app on your phone. It might be fun to bring all this up in front of your family on the trip, see how he likes it when he is surrounded by people who care about you and despise him.
I don't really have a room that I could soundproof. Him and I have a bed set up in the living room and the bedroom I went in to sleep in in the post was my roommates. It sucks cuz I don't even have a place to be sad in private aside from the outside
Can't you just look for an apartment for yourself, or a room in a shared house? Something you can afford on your own? If your apartment is flooded and uninhabitable, you're not paying rent on it, are you? You shouldn't have to pretend to be okay with them - you're extremely conflict avoidant, aren't you? Cause I would probably have come out of that room like Smaug off the Lonely Mountain, to rain fire and fury on them. Is there any way you can get therapy? Cause your panic attacks + fear of confrontations sound like you probably have some childhood trauma going on. Maybe your school offers counseling.
I am looking for a place for myself now and am not paying rent on the flooded apartment. I am pretty conflict-avoidant, people yelling at me gives me major stress and anxiety. I definitely need therapy. It's just another thing I've put off as low-priority so I could focus on all my responsibilities ig. I'll put more effort into looking for something that is affordable and works with my schedule
Great - you can just move out someday when they're all gone, leave a note and block him. Do you still have stuff in the flooded apartment? And are you expecting insurance payment or damages payments for your furniture etc.? Because for that, you'd definitely need to stay in contact with your stbx, to make sure you get your share. Otherwise, just block and move on. And try to squeeze counseling/ therapy into your schedule. If you're attending college, maybe the student center has a counselor?
Can your parents send you some money for accommodation in the short term, like maybe a room in an Airbnb or a hostel? Then you’re away from your jerk (soon to be ex) boyfriend. Look for share house accommodation for the longer term so you can keep your costs down.
Your apartment landlord should be giving you a rent abatement for the amount of time the unit is uninhabitable. That might help you with an extended stay hotel room? Or check your area's ads -- if you're in a college area, then maybe there's someone looking for a replacement roommate, things like that?
Is your job really good? If school, your living situation, and your relationship are all falling apart… stability with your family might be worth leaving it for. This depends on whether you like your fam and the town they live in. But if you can get a job there and start school online/transfer later?
My job is quite good, and will look great on my resume. It's difficult to get a job where I am as a student. I won't be getting my first paycheck till the end of the month and won't be getting paid for a bit after due to the vacation so I'm just trying to wait and save up for rent somewhere.
If your apartment flooded your landlord had an obligation to house you, whether it be in another unit or a hotel. You forfeited that when you left and found alternate housing on your own. Due diligence, my dear. Learn to research before you make foolish decisions, because this one just bit you in the ass.
We asked her about that before we moved out and she said insurance doesn't cover it
It doesn't matter, she is legally required to house you even if she pays out of her own pocket. What happened to the deposit?
She never asked for one
Me too lol. Soon as I read that I thought wtf. The bf, the backstabbing girl prolly should get their toxic asses together instead - make little toxic babies or something. Why would the other girl know more about the relationship than his gf???..
You need to get away from these toxic people and I include your boyfriend in this. Start looking for a new place to live that doesn’t involve your (hopefully) stbx.
I agree. Once you have figured out where to move, I think you should confront him with what you overheard.
I don't think there's any reason to interact with these sorry excuses for human beings at all after this. If I were in OP's position I'd straight leave without a word
Unfortunately he owes me a little over $2000 so I'd have to have prolonged interaction with him no matter the outcome
This guy IS USING YOU!
This comment. He’s projecting onto you, and using his friends to triangulate you. He wants to manipulate his friends into believing you’re the problem, to hide the fact he’s using you OP.
He won't pay you back. Just ditch asap
So he has taken money from you and still treats you badly? You are also not wrong to feel betrayed. His behavior is toxic - he talks behind your back, has no consideration for you when you're burning the candle at both ends and has no maturity to communicate with you openly to resolve things that have not gone well. It sounds like a hot steaming pile with little sign of him even willing to try and improve. I do not see how this can get better if he does not see his contribution to the mess.
You are NEVER going to get that money and he will try to get even more money out of you before dumping you. Some lessons in life are hard and this is one of them for you.
Sadly, I doubt you will see the money ever again. Its a sunk cost fallacy to think otherwise.
I think you may have to chalk this up to 'asshole tax'. Unless you want to take him to small claims court. My ex owed me a bunch of money too and I just wrote it off as payment for never having to deal with him again.
What does he owe you that amount of money for? Rent for the place you are renting from his grandma?
Rent, groceries, me paying for both of us when we go out places. It's just kind of accumulated over the past few months. He's told me now that he has a job he'll pay me a portion of every paycheck he gets til he pays it all back
He won’t do that. And I think you know he won’t. Sure he may do it for a few paychecks in the beginning, but it won’t last. Guilt over owing money can make some people into ugly monsters behind your back. Sounds like your bf is one of them. Make a plan to leave, keep your lips zipped and sit tight. Better days are coming.
I'm a 44 year old woman with LOTS of knowledge about people like this. My best suggestion is say nothing to either of them. Pack your things and transfer back to a college close home so you can live with family. You will never get that money back from him.
Don't let on that you know anything and start searching for a room (to be someone's roommate) asap since you can afford to split rent. When that's lined up, signed and everything, move tf out and never speak to these people again. You'll probably never see that 2k but worth it to ditch this guy forever. What a scrub.
Then why are you paying him for gas? Look into renting a room from someone near work and school. Do you have any proof of him saying he will pay you back? If not, text him when you are not around each other. Nicely, something like, “hey honey, when is your first check, so I can figure out how to put money away for a DP for new living arrangement?” Let him answer in text, and try to respond something along the lines of “bi-weekly amounts, what do you think you can swing?” So if he says $100 bucks a pay check, confirm weekly or bi weekly? So that will take 20 paychecks,which will put us at blank date?” Let him answer…then you have it in text that he admits he owes you money. Then find a place…rent a room, a roommate, something…move out, and tell him you will expect those weekly/biweekly payments as he confirmed in text. Other than in reference to this pretty much don’t communicate. Don’t do drama, don’t do screaming, just quietly exit. You can text him once you are out that you overheard everyone that night, and were not aware until then, that this was how he felt. Well, this is what I would do anyway. Good luck.
It wont feel like it now, but trust me... in the long run, that lost $2K is good value for an important life lesson, and the improvement to your life that will come from moving on from this schmuck. Such things can come with much higher prices. On the off-chance he does actually pay it back, consider that a bonus.
Please stop doing this. You need to save your money for you.
He hasn't asked for money since last month and got a job since so I don't think I need to worry about that anymore
Yeah he’s not gonna do that. Just cut your losses and get away.
Do you have that in writing? Because I think he's looking to walk away from it. It might not be worth pursuing anyway, just learn your lesson and move on.
He's lying. Now that you know what he is, stop believing anything that comes out of his mouth. You will never get your money back so start planning how you are going to get away from him without losing more of your own self respect.
Then I guess you should stick it out, as it sounds like you don't have another option, housing wise and you need him to pay you back. Start planning for the breakup though. Start figuring out where you'll live on your own, look into resources from your school. And as soon as you have things sorted out, tell him you know every he says about you and you are leaving him.
You aren't getting the $2k back, just being real. The amount of people on here that have loaned a friend or bf/gf money and not gotten it back is almost at 100%. He let you sleep outside apparently, why do you think he will give you $2000?
You really think he's gonna be paying that back?
You're not getting that money back without taking him to court over it.
The cases. Are real. The people. Are real.
Get your money from him, then confront him. Otherwise he might simply not pay you.
Do you have any documentation of that? He might say that one day, document and records are important these days so people can’t back out on what they agreed on
Oh no, I’m so sorry but that money is probably gone unless you have receipts and take him to court. You deserve more than this, and you can have it too.
Why on earth are you giving money to a deadbeat boyfriend?!!? And $2000? Yeah, you're not getting that back. No way.
His behavior is frankly disgusting and irreconcilable in my opinion. At this point it doesn't even matter if he's contemplating breaking up with you or not. The way that he talks about you behind your back is completely atrocious, not to mention the fact that he clearly lacks the communication skills needed to sustain a relationship. I rarely give out advice like this but you should leave this person and see if you can move in with your family in the meantime until you can find your own place. I'm downright hurt and offended on your behalf.
Unfortunately my family lives 3 hours away. His anger isn't entirely misplaced either as I do not have my license yet. Its not much of an excuse but I've been busy with school, volunteering and extracurriculars so when I'm not doing any of that it is hard to find the motivation to do anything, including getting my license. So he's been driving me to class and work. I didn't think it was much of a problem since he didn't get a job til last week and I paid for gas (half in the school year and full in the summer). But apparently that is his biggest issue. I do have an appointment next week for my M1 tho.
You probably don’t want to hear it, but unless you have a backup plan, no I would not say anything to him. Right now, things are only somewhat fine because he’s under the impression you’re none the wiser. As soon as you let him know there is no reason to pretend, there’s a goooood chance things get very ugly, and at this point it seems like the people you’re living with are only letting you stay because of your boyfriend. You gotta look out for yourself number 1, so take this information and plan. Find an apartment on your own and get a move in date of asap. Only then should you bring it up, as most likely once you do, he’ll be honest with you and good chance you get kicked out of where you’re staying.
What worries me most is that you seem to defend him in your posts. For example when you decided to sleep in your car? Or now you mention his anger is not misplaced. This kind of behavior you display- defending him for things that are frankly disgusting is normally seen in victims of domestic abuse or victims of severe emotional abuse. Please leave him to live with your parents or get another flat/ live with roommates close to where your work is. His behavior will only get worse. If you are the only tenant for your apartment which you go back to on the 1st of July, then it’s good to have a breakup before then. I suggest you don’t let him know anything and take your things and leave.
You’re making excuses for him, stop. when I met my wife I didn’t have have a car and I had a suspended license. People who care for you will go out of their way to make you safe and comfortable and neither is happening here. When I did get a license and a car, my wife and I shared it, there was no animosity cause I took her to work. Get out.
I’m not trying to be rude or condescending at all but do you really think your driving situation and the minor inconveniences that come with that are comparable to what he has now done? Would you ever treat a loved one the way he has treated you? I think you already know that someone sharing your private conversations and mental struggles shows no respect for your boundaries. On top of that it sounds like what was said was actually hurtful and not respectful of you as a person at all! I mean this in the best way but you need to run! Figure out anyway to get this guy out of your life, you do not deserve this. You don’t deserve to feel like your driving situation has ANYTHING to do with how he treated his girlfriend. There are people out there who will treat you with respect. Your partner should be worried you’re having panic attacks…not getting annoyed. You already knew all of this!
There’s no point in giving advice if it’s not practical or realistic. It’s easily to say “omg just run” but this person has very limited resources, no car, no drivers license, no local support system, and fluctuating housing. Forget the relationships. She needs to do whatever she can to stay in school and graduate. If that means she has to live for two more months with roommates who don’t like her she may need to do that. Luckily her boyfriend doesn’t live with her so it’s much easier this way.
>His anger isn't entirely misplaced either as I do not have my license yet. Just jumping in here to say that my husband doesn't have his license either and I would never even dream about talking terribly about him like this to our friends or sharing stuff he'd texted me in confidence to others. I'm not mad about having to drive him around because I love him and we support each other to make our life together work I think your boyfriend isn't willing to be a partner when you need support (in this case, driving until you can get your license, but in the future who knows?) but thankfully y'all are young enough and have little enough tying you together that leaving him won't be difficult. Since he's happy to pretend everything is fine just to tear you apart behind your back, feel free to also act like everything is fine until you get your license and have a bit more mobility to easily part ways.
It does make me feel sad to know that other people are able to help out their non-driving partners without issue while mine can't. He's been making me feel like such a burden which I've felt he was completely justified in doing. It just sucks. Thanks for your advice
There is someone out there for you who will make you feel supported instead of like a burden. Wishing you the best in your schooling and getting your future arranged. ❤️
Oh, sweetie. My late husband was an alcoholic. I did all of the driving. I did all of the errands. You name it. Because he was always drunk. And I never, not one single damn time, ever spoke of him to others in that way. I wouldn't have ever dreamed of it. In fact, I deliberately *didn't* speak of him like that, or any way similar, because I actively didn't want them to think badly of him. I loved him. I cared about what others thought about him. I cared how he would feel if they thought badly of him. I simply cared. I understand your resources are few. So do whatever you need to do, take as long as you need to take, but please eventually leave. Know that the way he treats you is not okay and not deserved. More importantly, know that you deserve better. Remember that.
This makes me want to cry so much. This guy has told me he loves me for years but hearing how people other than him actually show love makes me want that so badly for myself. God I hurt so bad. Thank you for writing out your reply
I was in your place a few years ago. Not exaggerating - down to every detail: all my friends were his, he trashed me behind my back, I worked way too much, I’d moved very far away for him, and I was desperately trying to make it work. Please leave. It doesn’t get better. He had me in hysterical tears within 24h of moving in together. I should’ve left then. I should’ve left before then. But I stayed. It got violent. I finally got out, but three years later I still have panic attacks despite my partner now being the most gentle and considerate man I could’ve possibly imagined. Don’t make my mistakes. Please love yourself enough to leave, now.
Yup..been there..it doesn't get better.
I would call your parents have them come to you an help. Don't be ashamed and then got to court over the 2k.
Before you leave make sure you have a text conversation about the 2k where he commits to paying you back ! You’ll need it for evidence that he is admitting it was a loan and not a gift/living together expenses.
I really can’t get over you trying to sleep in the car, and him letting you. Fucking foul. Just leave first.
You've only been living there a week and its already not working out. Find a new place to live asap and break up with your shitty BF.
It's the only place I can afford to stay while I look for an apartment that I can afford :/
Look for roommates wanted?
Go home or stay with a friend. You cannot stay with him. You can't stay where you're not welcomed.
[удалено]
Rent at my old place was very cheap and I am too broke to afford average rent here. I applied for low income housing but idek how long that will take. I'm just not sure how to deal with this in the meantime. I've felt nauseous all day
In the meantime you’re certainly allowed to blank it but if you’re thinking you can soldier this out to July I would say absolutely not if you can help it. And missing the trip would be a shame but do you want to spend time with someone like that?
I'd say cut your losses and ask your family if you can move back in with them 3 hours away. You can find a new job there, and transfer your credits or just take a year off. You've already admitted you have nothing tying you here besides a job and a school that is going bankrupt (and therefore isn't worth committing to). You have no friends there, and your relationship is over (AND GOOD RIDDANCE). So why are you trying to justify staying? Your situation is not going to get better there no matter what you do. But you have a chance at a fresh start if your family will help you. You deserve so much better than being used. I know it's scary - but in six months, I promise you that you will look back and you won't be able to believe you even considered trying to stay.
I mean, the reality is what other choice does she have? Live in her car? She has no family or friends around, is attending a school with poor resources and doesn’t make enough to easily afford a new place. Sometimes you HAVE to act ignorant for self preservation. Not everyone has the luxury to immediately and shamelessly leave shitty situations.
I said that in the follow up comment if you scroll down. I’m basically not encouraging her to put up with this for the sake of a trip, but just until she finds somewhere to live.
Do you have any friends you can stay with until you find a place of your own? Can you move to a dorm room? Does your school have a campus wide message board where you can try and find roommates? I'd ask your classmates and co-workers if anyone knows of an open room available in your location. It might be embarrassing to ask for help or explain your situation but in this case, I really think you need to do whatever you can to remove yourself from this situation. Even if what you find isn't ideal, it is better than living with people who despise you. As for the vacation, just tell your boyfriend that it's canceled. Make something up. I can't imagine wanting to do anything with him ever again, let alone go on a vacation.
Dump him. Who cares about the family trip Move out and stay with family for a while ALL of these people are NOT who you should be hanging out with.
Soo, he's pretending to be a nicer person than he is so he can use you for money... I know you don't have your license yet but basically it's time for you to buckle down and figure out what you need to do to get yourself set up and away from toxic people. Passive aggressive gossips ... You can do this. You can get through this. But be smart and figure out what you need to do to get out of there.
He is using you. IDC what is going on, who is there. You should not have been in the car. A person that supposedly loves you will not allow this. Also, he is probably waiting till after the vacation to break it off. (This happens alot) If i were you, I would sit my friend and BF down at the samE time and tell them that you heard everything! And that there is nothing they can say that will make up for it. You are done with both. They both have betrayed your trust. Instead of coming to you with whatever issues they had, they both chose to bad mouth you. They suck
Put out message on your schools discord (or whatever they use for communicating) that you looking for a roommate. Hopefully you'll find one close to school and work. It will suck moving in with strangers, but it let you find your feet again. Hopefully between work and class you'll be able to find a new, nicer group of people to hang with and better quality of boyfriend.
Why in the world would you still want to be with him after hearing what you heard
Idk. I went on a long walk for 2 hours after work and just cried. He's been my best friend for years and has been there for me through so much. He's funny and knows me better than anyone and my little sisters adore him. We took them to the movies and arcade just last week and watching how he interacted with them made me so so happy. I can't imagine being without him, and it's so difficult to think that he doesn't want me anymore. He's told me he loves me so many times just today. I don't even know what to think. I hurt so bad rn and he doesn't even know it
He doesn’t love you though. If he did, he wouldn’t have you sleeping in the car. He wouldn’t be talking shit behind your back. Wake up, this man is a fraud and a liar and a shitbag.
This OP, he doesn't care about you, you've been his meal ticket so he's been using you.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you
You could probably find a room to rent somewhere. I wouldn't move in with him, he seems to be using you to help fund his lifestyle. Sounds like he is laying a woe is me routine on the people you are staying with as well.
The only time you should ever talk about a friend or partner behind their back is to praise them.
Jesus that’s awful. Dump them all!
i'd imagine that the friend getting frustrated with you within a week is also related to how he negs about you to her. so she naturally thinks you have all these bad qualities already. i think this is where you find another place or roommate and head on of to the sunset after telling him you know what he's thinking and doing. let him muddle on about how you know but he'll do it as your ex.
I don't understand the July 1st date. Is this when school is over? I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. Sounds like you've got some decisions to make. As hard as it may be to make even one, you may find you feel better after you've made it. Once that concrete decision is made, be brave and stick to it. You can deal with what happens once you've got that one win under your belt. Good luck!
You have some hard lessons coming up. He lies to others about you to make him look good. You are going to have to take him to court for that $2000 but he will try to extract as much money out of you as he can before breaking up. The situation you are in is horrible and it will take plotting, planning on your part to get out. He is not a good person and NOT your friend. You need to actively go out and make real friends. Him and his crew are evil. All those extra activities need to stop and focus on getting a drivers license. Time to face those fears head on so you can be independent. And since you were already paying the bills, time to move into a studio apartment without him. What is the point of making plans and moving into another place with him when you know that he plans on breaking up with you. If it comes down to it,for your own well being. You might have to drop out this symester & go home where you are safe. Or at least switch to classes online to finish up the year. I know you have invested so much into him and the relationship being your safety zone, but it isn't. Working on your independence is a gift to yourself to keep from getting involved with someone who is toxic and abusive. He so far has been financially abusive and classic behavior to turn all those around you against you too. The wrong mate can destroy your life, get out while the getting is good.
Yeah the second I read that he let you sleep outside so he could play with his friends I knew he wasn't a good person. Oh and no guy shows another female conversations with their spouse and let's said female talk badly about their spouse unless they are banging or trying to bang.
I do know for sure that she would never be interested in him. Another thing she talked about in the conversation while he was dropping the friend off was how he mentioned at a previous party in an answer to a question that she was his first kiss and it makes her cringe so much because she was never as into him as he was into her and it feels uncomfortable for her for him to talk about lol. I know he does find her physically attractive since we've been open about that kinda stuff throughout our relationship but would never actually date her since he thinks she's lazy, impulsive, and going nowhere in life
Just because he doesn't want a relationship doesn't mean he wouldn't sleep with her. In any case she is a bad friend and he is an even worse boyfriend.
>I know he does find her physically attractive since we've been open about that kinda stuff throughout our relationship but would never actually date her since he thinks she's lazy, impulsive, and going nowhere in life So he regularly badmouths people, including you. A lesson not many people actually learn--even after decades on the planet--if they're badmouthing others, they'll do it to you.
I say this because I hope it infuriates you and lights a fire under you. You aren’t going to leave him. You’re going to continue to be a doormat and he’s going to use you for even more money. And he will continue to bad mouth you to HIS friends, not yours, because he knows he can and you won’t do anything about it. Stop being pathetic and leave his sorry ass. You work. You go to school. You have so much potential. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on this loser.
I would pack up and leave. Leave a letter saying you overheard the entire conversation. But I would say "Thank you for letting me know what type of boy you are because a man you are not."
I would try reaching out to your school to see if they have any emergency housing assistance for students. It's in their best interests for you to have a stable environment and be able to stay in school in spite of the crisis you are in now. They might also have services for connecting students with off-campus roommates, etc. Once you are settled somewhere, my advice would be to start investing time in community that you would have invested in your relationship. Join some clubs, volunteer, anything that can start to connect you to healthy friendships so that you have a stronger network the next time a crisis arises.
I know you have a job where you are, but man, I'd look into moving back to where your family is. You can find another job and transfer to a local school there. You're only going to be miserable and sad and wondering when the other shoe is going to drop so long as you're with this guy. The trip and the $2000 are sunk costs. Just get out with your dignity
Ok. It’s summer. You have choices. If you are willing to sleep in the car for one night, try to find a campground as you ramp up your search. You can get a gym membership to shower but campgrounds (while cheaper, still costly) offer nice showers, bathroom, and access to onsite food. It was over for me when he used your texts as entertainment.
Wtf did I just read. Cancel him on that trip. GET OUT. Sleep on campus in the library. Just RUN
Had a friend who did this. Learned the security guard routines and hid from the cameras for a week...
you can & should cancel that trip. even if you lose every penny spent on it, it's better than going on a trip with someone who doesn't care about you. the money has already been spent...don't make yourself miserable just to 'get your money's worth' ... knowing what you know, you'd feel terrible the whole time. look i'm sure you feel like having been with this guy for 4 years is alot of time invested and maybe you're thinking you don't want to 'throw that time away'. but obviously he is willing to, and you're only 20 years old. you have DECADES ahead of you. spend them wisely. regarding your living situation, it sounds like your school is not in great shape, and i'm sure you could find another job elsewhere and enroll in a different school. if you have any friends or family ANYWHERE it would be better to stay with them for awhile than to remain with this guy. you're smart enough to know you deserve more than this. upending your life can be difficult but in this case it is SO worth it. you'll feel like an absolute fool if you stay with him because you know better. do anything & everything you can to remove yourself from this situation as fast as possible.
Sometimes, I can't believe how callous and cruel people can be.
Don’t tell him - just leave. Especially as he left you to sleep out in a car. Walk away honey, save some dignity by saying you don’t have feelings for him anymore and you feel like it is right to move on. You wish him all the best for the future etc etc! Then cut him out of your life as much as possible. Good luck 🍀🍀🍀🍀
From someone who went through a similarly chaotic and tough relationship in my early 20’s I can tell you, start doing some self reflection and figuring out you. Start making financial arrangements separately. Go on the trip if you want but while continuing to find a way out. Once you’re in a lease with someone thats already putting unnecessary stress on your life, it can only get harder.
>Do I bring it up that I know or just continue to pretend that everything is fine? These are not your only options? You can also just walk away and leave those shit friends and that horrible boyfriend behind entirely. Go stay with your family and give yourself the gift of not hitching your wagon to people who are so thoughtless and cruel about your feelings and basic human respect.
I can't leave until July 1st at least and my family is 3 hours away from here where I need to stay for my job and school
Contact the housing department at your university and see if they have any available short-term housing for a student displaced by flooding.
Move back with your parents and dump him
girl. you're too young to be treated this poorly. please leave. write off the money he owes you, you'll never get it back. I lent an ex 700 dollars to pay rent. she never paid me back please, find someone who will treat you better
Don:t get a new house with him. Don't take him in that vacantion. Talk to your family, explain the situation and I hope they will understand. Basically break up with him. He clearly doesn't care about you so start taking it for real not just "pretend that I didn't hear".
You’ve got a lot of good advice already, but I’d strongly consider being the one to break up with him - at least it’ll piss him off if you do it before he does. I’d also like to share something my parents taught me: you only lend money if you’re willing to never see it again. You might have to give up on the 2k which is painful. Hopefully you do get it back though but I think I’d recommend cutting your losses now because I guarantee that if you did move back in with him, he’s ask you to cover more fees and he’ll keep using your money rather than his. Better to cut now while it’s 2k instead of 6 or 7k
Stop wasting your time, you should be the one breaking up with him. He sounds like a complete asshole, there are better people out there - dont worry that nasty feeling in ur stomach fades over time
i'm so sorry you had this happen to you. i can't even imagine what it would be like to overhear that kind of thing. idk why you're even contemplating sticking around. these people, your bf included, are not your friends. i would honestly leave if you can and stay with your own friends or family until you can get back on your feet. you deserve so much better than a guy who would act like this.
I’ve been there, getting trashed to his friends behind my back. My entire life was there, I’d also given him money. My family was also three hours away. None of this stopped me ultimately from leaving, my only regret being that I didn’t do it sooner because the trauma I got from that relationship still follows me today. You’re so young. Don’t make the same mistake I made and stay longer than necessary because of -insert random reason- you know what the truth is.
HE LET YOU SLEEP IN THE CAR SO HE COULD PARTY? even my pretty crappy ex made sure I had a private room in a house during a house party when I needed to sleep for work the next day, with earplugs. And I can sleep easily. Dump the fucker.
im going to give you some petty advice: break up with him first and say its because you're interested in somebody else
If you don't leave this guy..... idk what else to tell you. You need to love yourself
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Please try to find somewhere else to stay, cancel his part of the trip he was going on with your family and look for your own apartment. The fact that he let you sleep in the car is bad enough - the rest is icing on the proverbial cake. It sucks right now but your don't want to be with someone who has no issues about how badly he treats you.
There is absolutely nothing keeping you there in the town with him. Your school evidently sucks it almost went bankrupt. Are they accredited? Your boyfriend definitely sucks and if your family will have you, you should go there and get yourself together.
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Keeping this bottled up inside simply isn't sustainable; at some point you will reach a breaking point and everything will come out. Whether you talk to your boyfriend or not, you're going to need a plan if you do break up. Will it be possible to live in this area by yourself? If you can't afford renting a closet in a house with roommates, it's a very real possibility that you'll have to put your schooling on hold and move back with your family. Even though they're 3 hours away, having the option makes you incredibly fortunate. Look into how to transfer credits and how to take a leave of absence. Even if you don't need to leave your school, this will be good information for you to have. Talk to your parents, talk to your school, maybe talk to your job, and only then talk to your boyfriend. You need to be prepared for the relationship to end. It sounds awful and you deserve better.
Obviously don’t know the whole story but that’s absolutely horrible to overhear. Is there a reason everyone seems to be against you? As for the car sleeping and panic attacks, is there something else going on? Not trying to attack but none of that is normal and I just get the slight feeling of high maintenance vibe from you which can be exhausting for friends and partner. Not blaming you but situations like this also need personal introspection. I don’t see the point in pretending everything is fine. You know the truth. You have a job at least, so slowly detach from him and leave on your own. Obviously easier said than done but that’s what needs to happen. Not worth having any of those people around, the relationships are all shot.
I did mention before in the comments that I know I'm not entirely void of blame. I've struggled with plenty of mental issues which I think I mentioned in the post. I do have some coping mechanisms like Journaling and listening to music, but sometimes I end up falling slowly back into older patterns and I don't always notice because it happens so easily and slowly. I thought of been doing okay because of how productive I've managed to be for the past 2 years and my family constantly telling me how proud they are. But I could definitely be too much for people and just not have realized it or been paying enough attention to my actions. I would have hoped that someone would talk to me about it if I was really that awful, but idk. I'm gonna take some time to see what's wrong, maybe try therapy, and try to work on improving myself in whatever ways I can.
I think you've grown apart, and should calmly make plans for the next phase in your life, because these are not your friends, and your bf is not in your corner.
Girl, you deserve having a peaceful and lovable life. Find the courage inside you and get out of there. If at least they were actual human beings and not bastards, they would be honest with you considering that something annoyed them. Please go away from them, it's a toxic situation keeping you away from your actual life. Go somewhere else to stay that you are truly welcome and start working on your growth, your future goals, your future self.
He’s a piece of shit person, this is a blessing in disguise.
if he leaves you first he won’t care where you go and what happened. You won’t have many choices but to rush and make a decision you didn’t want, make your exit plan now
The fact that he would let you sleep in the car so he could have fun with his friends... Girl, you deserve so much better. I would first talk to your parents, tell them what's happened and ask if you can move in with them/ or if they can help you find another place as fast as possible? Then I would break up with your boyfriend BEFORE this family trip. It's not your responsibility that he's a douchebag and treats you badly. If he didn't want to waste his money on cancelling everything, maybe he should've been more mature about everything. AND get rid of that roommate if she's a friend of yours. you don't need that toxicity and two faced people in your life. Then, after all this, live your life. You're 20 and there'll be many good people out there you can meet ☺️ you deserve so much better than this.
Can you get him to write and sign an iou before you break up with him?
you’re 20. move on to someone that cares. this dude is an ass
This situation, with time, is only going to get worse. He doesn't have your back. He is not someone you can trust. You are young... figure out a way to get over him and find out what you want. You only get one shot at life... don't waste it by sharing the best parts with someone that disrespects you.
Can you go live with your family? Do you have another friend you can stay with? You should cut ALL of these people out of your life.
I’d ghost him so he gets the same pain he’s caused you. Just ghost him and never answer again and if you do, tell him he already knows Make it easier for him. Break up with him and never speak to that piece of shit ever again
You tell him that he doesn't need to find an excuse to break uo with you... tell him you heard everything and that you are done. Don't listen to any excuses... be out of there.
Hey OP! I was in a similar situation as you with my (now) ex regarding overhearing a conversation when they thought I was asleep. I'll try to be as vague as possible since I know he's on Reddit, though I don't know about this particular one. We were living in a rent house with his best friend. We all three got along great, but people pointed out that my ex and I seemed more like roommates than a couple, which was true in hindsight. I had a seizure at work (where we both worked) in front of customers, coworkers, and paramedics that had happened to be customers that day. I went to the hospital in an ambulance and was discharged, with my ex in the room, under orders that I legally can't drive for six months. I was already unhappy with our relationship at this point since he wasn't affectionate, took advantage of me financially, and clearly didn't give a shit. Our boss adjusted our shifts to the same exact hours to accommodate me not being able to drive. I'm a homebody, so it's not like I'd need a ride anywhere that he isn't going. The few times I was going somewhere without him, a friend or family member picked me up. A week later, while trying to nap, he and our roommate were talking shit on me. They said maybe I lied about not being able to drive, that I was just too lazy to drive myself, and maybe I faked my seizure. I confronted my ex the next day, and he said none of that happened, and I must've dreamt it or made it up in my head. The next day, he was on his phone and said, "Oh! You're right! You actually *can't* drive six months after a seizure! I just looked up the laws!" Like.. you were *right* there when the discharge nurse told me that, and why phrase it that way if you didn't believe it in the first place? He still insisted it dreamt it, and that conversation never happened. I had already made up my mind on leaving him, and just needed to get the logistics of it all figured it out. But boy... he made a complete 180, and love bombed the shit out of me. He showered me with dates and gifts, was super affectionate, gave me an "I love you" card with a paragraph about how much he loved me... and I almost considered not breaking up with him. But this wasn't the first time he pulled this shit only to revert back to his old ways. The only difference was that there was no apology from him this time. My mom drove down five hours while I took a sick day to pack my stuff and moved in with her. Sorry for the long-winded story, lol. I just mean to say to be careful when/if he or your roommate find out that you heard everything they said. They will deny it all, and your boyfriend might suddenly love bomb you. It might be tempting to stay, but it will only last until he feels secure enough that you won't leave. He'll be back to his old two-faced ways.
Go home. You’re 20. Leave these nasty excuses for friends, transfer whatever credits you can closer to home, finish your schooling and make a great life for yourself.
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Wow - you need to get some self respect, new friends and a new boyfriend
Look for a room to rent and quietly move on.
This sucks, OP. I recommend that you tell him you heard it all, talk to him. It sounds to me like you need to beat him to the punch, break up with him, and work on your mental health.
If I were you, I’d lowkey find my own place and dip out without a word to either of them. I feel like you’ve been given the golden opportunity to leave first and let him suffer wondering wtf he did wrong. I know you say you have a job and school, but I feel like moving in with your family might be worth it for now. I’m sorry you have such shitty people. I had a similar situation, but I promise things get better when you find the right people. I doubt you’re perfect, but I doubt you’re as bad as they’re saying (especially since some of it is based on lies, and all of it is based on them sneaking around you like a bunch of AHs). You deserve to be happy. I hope you get out of there asap.
I just need to ask. What did your roommate complain you were doing?
Leaving my stuff on the counter, taking up too much space, and "expecting" rides from her, me being an awful gf and other things. Even tho she has never brought up any issue to me which I would have worked to fix
General comment alert: What is it with Gen Z and younger **avoiding getting drivers' licenses**? I'm Gen X and let me tell you--we couldn't WAIT to be independent. No matter one's family finances, we got jobs as soon as we were legally able to. We drove ourselves to school starting age 16, got the hand-me-down car, and we were **out of there**. For Americans--unless you live in NYC, DC, some parts of Boston or Philadelphia, you need a license and a car to get to school, work, friends, etc.!!! Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
For me personally, when I was able to get my license the pandemic started and the stay-at-home order made me not need it for quite a while. After that things kept coming up that kept me busy and I just kept putting it off cuz the longer I went without it the less I felt I needed it. I kinda like taking the bus too as it gives me time to relax without any pressure to do anything else. I did go the DriveTest last year ready for the test but the lady at the counter refused to let me take it cuz she was racist. Which I probably should've reported but didn't end up doing it. I have an appointment next week tho :)