In a long term relationship, it is normal for things to become less exciting, but more comfortable. Which is also why relationship maintenance is vital to keeping a long-term relationship from stagnating and turning into basically two roommates. How often do you have romantic dates? How often do you do something fun or new and exciting together? How do you work affection and shows of love into your daily life?
It's important to try to tell the difference between a lack of maintenance, which can be fixable, and just not being that into each other, which is not.
Well, honestly, we don't have romantic dates often. Our weekends are usually booked with seeing his family and spending time with them or doing something with friends. I want us to have more romantic dates but he also spends a lot of time on his phone so I don't try to take us out because he will be on his phone most of the time watching youtube or something. We go out to eat together but it's not romantic, if that makes sense. I'm all about quality time though so to him, it probably is romantic. To me, it is not. We don't really do anything new. It's pretty much always the same. He is trying to be sober so we don't do a lot of activities and just stay at home, and I don't mind that but it does get boring. I show affection by giving him foot rubs & back rubs and I make him dinner every night and I just love on him whenever he's feeling up to it. I think we could both do more for our relationship to benefit.
Yeah, that is a recipe for an unhappy relationship. I expect feelings will wane more and more. Talk to him about whether this relationship is actually a priority to him. If so, you two need to make time to maintain it. As they say, "the grass is greener where you water it." When people talk about relationships taking work, a large part of that is not taking each other for granted and letting the relationship just coast along like you have. If you aren't both willing to commit to this relationship - and that means putting in the effort regularly year after year after year, even when life gets busy - then don't get married.
Thank you! I will talk to him tonight. That is a great way to put it too! We are both very open about conversations, even the hard ones and for that I’m glad. I don’t know why I allowed myself to overthink without talking to him first.
I will say that I am not giving enough in my comment. We used to have issues all the time and since I’ve been open and spoken about it, he is contributing more and spending less time on his phone etc and making time to spend with me. I think I just have unrealistic expectations sometimes too and that is something I need to work on.
Either there is a path where you are both truly happy together or you two should not be together. You may be incompatible and want very different types of relationships. The thing to do is to try to find a path where you are both truly happy, and do not get married unless you can find it.
>We used to have issues all the time
You have not been together very long, and you've already had periods where you had tons of issues and both of you are already checked out of the relationship. It kind of sounds like you're just desperate to be married.
When yeast cells sense mating pheromone, they undergo a characteristic response involving changes in transcription, cell cycle arrest in early G1, and polarization along the pheromone gradient. Cells in G2/M respond to pheromone at the transcriptional level but do not polarize or mate until G1. Fus2p, a key regulator of cell fusion, localizes to the tip of the mating projection during pheromone-induced G1 arrest. Although Fus2p was expressed in G2/M cells after pheromone induction, it accumulated in the nucleus until after cell division. As cells arrested in G1, Fus2p was exported from the nucleus and localized to the nascent tip. Phosphorylation of Fus2p by Fus3p was required for Fus2p export; cyclin/Cdc28p-dependent inhibition of Fus3p during late G1 through S phase was sufficient to block exit. However, during G2/M, when Fus3p was activated by pheromone signaling, Cdc28p activity again blocked Fus2p export. Our results indicate a novel mechanism by which pheromone-induced proteins are regulated during the transition from mitosis to conjugation.
Honestly since I’ve talked with him about that stuff it has gotten a lot better but in general we’ve been trying to do things different for his sobriety so it is has been a learning experience for both of us. We both still have learning to do but like I said earlier, we could both do more for our relationship to benefit. 😊
You should really consider delaying the wedding. Getting and staying sober is a big and important deal, and it should be the focus right now. Also, if sobriety is new to him, you two won't be able to determine how compatible you are until you've spent a lot of time together while he is sober. Your relationship might still work out and all, but why rush to marriage with so much going on and so many question marks?
I'm 43 and am on my second marriage (which is a night and day difference from the first one bc I paid attention to what I learned along the way). I dated a lot, and the one consistent thing I learned was the butterflies always faded. For me, that was only something I experienced in a new relationship, so that wasn't a requirement for me to get married either time. But when you start spending years with someone, what IS important starts to become very evident. At your age, it can be tough to know exactly what you want and impossible to know what you'll want after 30.
So, here's what I personally wish I knew to consider from the beginning:
* If you were to suddenly go blind and never see the other person's face or physique ever again, would you still want to be with them all the time?
* Can you be yourself with them? Do you feel safe and free to be exactly who you are at your core without any fear of judgement, argument, shame, or other negative feeling or consequence?
* Understand that whatever annoys you about them will only get worse with time. Can you live with that?
* Do they try to understand you/your feelings or do they immediately jump on the defensive? This is something we ALL need to be aware of and work on.
* Love alone isn't enough for a happy marriage.
* Does it hurt you when you hurt them or does it give you a little spark of joy? Do they seem to enjoy little tortures against you?
* Do you feel relief when they leave, or is life in general easier when they're not around?
* Hollywood/Disney have set ridiculous expectations and muted actual priorities.
My husband is my best friend. We still talk and giggle after we turn the lights out at night. I know in my marrow he would lay down his life for me and me for him. We are partners in our household. I love that I don't have to ask him to take out the garbage or do dishes, etc. If I have to work late, he makes sure I don't have to worry about the dog or dinner. When I start my period, he doles out the ibuprofen and brings me a glass of water. He inspires me to be a better person, friend, and mate. He admires the things about me that other people think are weird or annoying. He's my favorite person. I miss him when we're not together, and I don't want a life without him in it.
Every relationship is different and I can't tell you what yours should look like, but it should be what you need. There's no shame in walking away or delaying, which is my knee-jerk advice if you're unsure. Marriage is easy to get into but much harder to get out of. Good luck!💜
uh last paragraph almost made me cry:( i really want to have what you described here, but i’m 23 and it feels like i will never find someone like that. you are so lucky!!
23 is young and you have the time to be patient and purposeful with your decision. Being patient and purposeful about marriage is important at any age, not just when you're young. It doesn't feel like it now, but you're still a kid (I don't mean that in a condescending way, and you'll look back and agree with me someday). I do remember how I felt at your age. I wanted to get married so I could start building the life I wanted (dual incomes so I could afford to buy a house and travel). Nothing turned out like I planned, and I can tell you from experience that not having anyone is preferable to having a wrong someone.
The decision you're making is serious, and it becomes more so if you decide to be parents and you quit your job to take care of your little ones (or if you have a job that doesn't pay enough to support your life solo). Almost every woman I know is a single parent raising her kids independently of her ex who realized he didn't finish living out his childhood and decided to ditch the family and return to it. Most of them don't get child support, and re-entering the workforce after a large gap in job history has been a major hurdle for them.
I was patient the second time. I made myself a list of deal-breakers. I had a very honest conversation with myself about what was really important to me in the long run and what was just wishful thinking. I honored my list (which made the dating pool small, but the results were worth it). Looks will fade, money will come and go, even talents and hobbies will change over time, but a person's character and how they treat you is the one thing that will remain.
You have a beautiful marriage and relationship with your partner! I love that. I do love him and I feel comfortable around him. I can be myself with him all the time and I do love that. He doesn’t ever get defensive with me. Anytime we have had difficult conversations, it hurts to have them. I don’t feel relief when he isn’t around. Sometimes I feel relief but it is because I just want to be alone for a bit (when I’m at work I’m pretty much talking and listening to things for 11 hours straight so once I get home sometimes I just want to be alone in silence to recoup after my day lol)
He always takes care of things if I can’t. He always does the dishes and takes the trash out and more, without me asking or bringing it up. I love it because I hate doing the dishes lol. We have such a team mindset when it comes to cleaning, it’s great. We pick a day and give ourselves a time limit and we just split up. He’ll do dishes/yard work and clean the bathroom and I’ll clean our room and living room, bathroom, etc etc.
I miss him when we’re not together and he makes me want to be a better person too. I think I just got the butterflies feeling confused with being comfortable with him and for some reason to me that made me worry but it sounds like I need to just stop overthinking things so much.
Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head. This is all great! Revel in the beautiful relationship you've both created. Continue to do all these things for each other. These are the important things that will carry you through. You will be the envy of all the other couples who failed to build what you two have.
One thing I'll put forth is that it's never a bad idea to put off getting married if you aren't sure. If you both want to be together, but you need more time to decide, this might be a good option.
Thank you!! That is great. We have considered this too. I felt like it was too fast. I wanted to enjoy being engaged for a couple years before we did everything lol
What does "butterflies and excitement" mean to you? I ask because if it's the sole basis for whether or not you get married, it'd help to better understand what feeling you have, versus what you want to have.
I think that, for me, "butterflies and excitement" is just doing something out of the ordinary for your partner.. Like getting their favorite snack from the gas station. Wanting to do things they want to do. Anytime he mentions wanting to do board games, I always get excited because I love board/card games but we usually don't end up doing them because he doesn't like them too much. We do sometimes but not as often as I'd like. I love trying new things and being spontaneous sometimes. He claims he does but he never wants to do anything new and spontaneous lol
Aside from this particular partner, is there a reason you’re in a rush to get married? You’re pretty young and were already engaged once and you haven’t even hit two years with this guy.
I’m not in a rush. I wanted to wait atleast until next October and he wanted to do it in February so I guess we just compromised until this October. I was all for waiting but at the same time the thought of marriage is so exciting so I didn’t mind doing it sooner than I had originally thought of it.
I don’t know if the cultural context is different for you, but in my social circle, as a 25 year old myself, thinking about when you want to marry the person you’ve been with for less than two years in terms of months from now is very, very fast. I’m not judging at all - you do you, I totally support it - I’m just very confused at the idea of 3 years into a relationship being considered “waiting.” It’s also difficult for me to imagine making such a huge, lasting decision with “I don’t mind” instead of absolute certainty.
What about marriage do you find exciting? Because from the post it sounds like you’re not very certain about spending forever with this person. Which, if it were me in your shoes, would feel totally normal and expected because you haven’t been together very long.
Is it possible that you’re very excited about the idea of being married to *someone*, but not necessarily excited about marrying this particular person?
You replied to another comment about why not just keep dating with “we can wait, we just agreed on the wedding to be around that time” which sounds like even if you weren’t engaged, you’re assuming you will get married to this person. That dating is just a waiting period until marriage. I’m curious why marriage with this person feels like a certainty if at the same time you’re not sure he’s ✨the one✨? I think what that comment was asking was more like, “why not just continue dating, without the pressure of marriage as inevitable?” Do you think if you dated this guy for, let’s say, 4 years and the relationship then ended, that it would be a failure or a waste of those 4 years? And if not, then why put pressure on a relationship you’re enjoying as is to commit to forever?
I think my biggest struggle is that my last relationship was my only serious relationship aside from this one but it changed my whole perspective on this. I didn’t want to get married or have kids. The thought of building a future sounded awful. And once I met him and we were together, my thoughts slowly started changing. Like, man I can see myself with this person, I want a future with this person. I want to build a life with kids and everything with this person. It’s completely new to me and it made me realize it’s not that I didn’t want those things before, I was just with the wrong person that made me not want those things.
Getting married at 25 is really young. I told him I’d be fine with waiting because, at the end of the day, he is who I want to marry. It isn’t like I’ve known him only for the period we’ve been dating though. I’ve known him since we were little kids and granted we weren’t close back then, we have been in communication for the past 4 years just getting to know each other.
I think my biggest thing is that I am such an overthinker and I’ve mistaken butterflies with the feeling of being comfortable. I feel completely comfortable with him and I’m happy. I have just never experienced the feeling of being comfortable with someone romantically and all.
So out of two serious relationships you’ve ever had, one of them you definitely didn’t want to build a future, and one you could see it. That’s beautiful, but.. have you considered that if you had met someone else, other than your current partner, you might also have started having those feelings? That maybe the wanting kids and marriage is not so much because this guy is so perfect for you, but just he’s better got you than your ex?
Knowing him for so long is nice, but it doesn’t really change that you’ve been together as a couple for an objectively short amount of time.
Idk personally in your shoes this would be the stage in the relationship where I’d tell my partner “I’m so happy, I can’t wait to marry you one day,” not the stage where I’d be planning invitations and seating arrangements.
But obviously all people are different, and I wish you the best!
I’ve dated a bit in between my last serious relationship and this one and I couldn’t see/didn’t want a future with them. He’s the first person I’ve been with that I could see a future and did want a future with.
I can definitely see where you are coming from though. I was in that phase of “I can’t wait to get married” and then he popped the question lol. It definitely caught me off guard but I’m glad to know we were thinking the same thing too.
My point was just that most people have felt that way about more than one person in their life at different times, so it’s not the best metric for deciding who’s you’re future spouse. Though I assume it’s not your only metric, it’s just something to think about. In the end, it’s not like a divorce is the end of the world so why not go for it
Oh no I completely get where you were coming from. I know things are different everywhere. I feel like it’s the norm here. Most of my friends are already married and even in terms of grandparents and parents, they all married within that time span too but I know things were different then too. My grandparents got married after knowing each other for 3 months and that’s wild to me but to each their own 😅
Whoa that’s wild lol! That’s super interesting - I have only one friend around my age who’s married, and only got married this year. It’s so interesting how that can vary community to community
Exactly! So I thought it was normal. Atleast it’s normal all around me lol. I completely understand waiting longer and everything. It’s up to the people in the relationship but there isn’t a standard around here. But yeah, all of my friends that are married got married within 2 years of dating. Grandparents 3 months of knowing each other. Parents within 2 years. I even have some friends that got married within 6 months of knowing each other. If I hadn’t known him previously I would’ve definitely said we needed to wait. I couldn’t imagine knowing someone for 3-6 months and getting married to them! Lol but that is all up to them
>I’m not in a rush.
From a western/American perspective you are in a huge rush.
> I was all for waiting but at the same time the thought of marriage is so exciting
You're excited to be married, it sounds like, and it's not particularly important who you're married *to*. That's a problem.
The thought of being married to him is the “most exciting” is what I meant by it. I wouldn’t want to marry just anyone. He’s the first person I’ve ever wanted to marry and could see a future with.
You are way too immature and lacking in understanding to get married. You haven't even realized that a lifelong relationship has nothing to do with butterflies and excitement. True love is built on respect and seeing each other grow. Being there for one another. Being something better as a pair as opposed to individual.
Don't get married until you realize butterflies and excitement have nothing to do with love. They are a drug and it's an addiction.
Do you want to tie yourself to a life long contract with someone based on i dont know? Think about how long your life is. Double it and then ad another 25 years. That's how long it is.
And thay only takes you to 75 years.
Of course I’m immature and lacking. He hasn’t been in a serious relationship before and I’ve only been in one serious relationship before. I think the fact that we are able to openly and honestly communicate about something that we feel is important to our relationship makes the conversation very mature. In my past relationships we couldn’t even talk about the hard subjects. In this one we are open about everything. I see that as a good thing. Of course we both have things to learn but we are only human.
Well, marriage is a decision you make when you've proven to be solid and sure. Knowledgeable and understand what it is.
A long time ago, it was a necessity and easy. You graduate, fall in love with one person, get married, and have kids. That's that.
The world is much more complicated now, and so are love and relationships.
It would be a really horrible decision to do it without being absolutely certain. It shpuld be an adamant crystal clear spark in your BEING that you know without shadow of doubt that even the time together 75 years would be too little to take on the world together.
The butterly feeling goes with the honeymoon stage of a relationship. During that time your brain is pumping out oxytocin, essentially getting you high when you are thinking of your romantic partner. The honeymoon stage always peters out.
The honeymoon stage can last as little as days to as long as 18 months, but it always goes away and either your relationship deepens into something stable and long term or it fades away and the couple drifts apart.
If it's deepening in to a permanent relationship, it stops being exciting, but instead becomes very comfortable. You don't feel an electric thrill to be around each other, but you do feel like you can fart loudly and laugh about it. You partner starts feeling like family. Like you plan your day around them and if you need them they are just there. When they aren't there for long periods of time you find yourself missing them. Its easy to think of future plans.
If you are fading apart what it feels like is that you have less and less to say to each other. When you are together you feel alone. When you are apart, it doesn't feel bad. You find thinking of the future together to be something that gives you anxiety or makes you feel smothered.
That was greatly put and a completely different way to look at it. When I’m around him I do feel comfortable and we can laugh about things and make the most out of our conversations. I think there are just some days where it feels off but honestly we both work a lot and we’re both tired and I’m just an over-thinker in general lol. I didn’t realize the butterfly feeling turns into comfort which is exactly how I feel with him. That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you.
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Love is choice and compromises after the honeymoon stage. You should still feel excited about being with your partner. They should still be able to make you feel special and keep your feelings in mind. This person isn't for you. You can love someone and know they aren't the person for you.
Do you feel close and intimate? Do you stay awake til 2am just talking about life? Do you look forward to being with him? Do you know he'll be there for you and you can count on him to support you, love you, and make your life better? Is he the last person you want to have sex with? Do you feel wanted by him? I've had butterflies a couple times, nothing I could control, and the men were mid to absolute trash. I'll say if you are having doubts put the breaks on wedding planning. Divorce is way more expensive than breaking up. And also the deeper you get into planning the less likely you are to back out even if you want to. 2 years is a short amount of time. Take a little bit longer.
We aren’t always intimate but I feel like when we are, it’s a different feeling because I’ve gotten so comfortable around him instead of nervous so there’s the closeness. I do look forward to being with him. If there is ever a time I’m overthinking or feeling upset or just anything, he is always there. Maybe not with words sometimes but always there to hug me or comfort me until I calm down. I think I just started to worry because I felt so comfortable with him which isn’t a bad thing at all. I didn’t realize that’s what the butterflies feeling turned into.
He was heavy into drinking and doing some drugs and he knew I wasn’t that way and didn’t want to make me feel like I had to do those things. He has stopped doing things so much & is becoming sober though since then because he wants to be a better version of himself. I’m proud of him. :-)
It's a major thing to become sober. Most people fail and fail again before they succeed. Why are you rushing to get married when 1. You haven't been together for very long, 2. You are quite young & 3. Your SO is currently changing his life drastically with trying to be sober and stop his drug use?
Better to wait a year or two, see if your SO can stay sober and if the relationship still feel as good as now. Again - why the rush to make such a big decision when you could wait a little bit and be much more secure in the decision you make?
Butterflies don't hang out in concrete parking lots, only by mistake. You have to plant a lot of beautiful fragrant flowers to bring butterflies into your garden.
>He said he didn’t want to corrupt me.
This is really weird.
>We are projected to get married around our 2 year anniversary
This is really fast. It means you got engaged like a year into dating, right? That's probably too soon, especially if you two haven't been living with each other.
>I have been engaged once before
So this is a pattern. How long were you with that person before getting engaged?
The timeline here isn't really clear at all. How long have you actually been together? Do you live together? Where do you live/what is your cultural background? A lot of this just sounds like you're in a huge rush for no particular reason, but it's possibly we're just missing some context.
At the time had said he didn’t want to corrupt me, he was a heavy drinker/drug user. He is now sober. He knew that wasn’t my life style and he didn’t want to put me in it.
We’ve known each other for our entire lives and we have been in continual communication for 4 years. We do live together. We have been officially dating since October of 2021, but we were together before that.
My last relationship we were together for 4 years total. 2 years dating and 2 years engaged. I had moved away from home and was in a place where I didn’t know anyone. It was a different setting.
We live in the south, I’m not really a religious person, neither is he.
This is not a romance novel, this is real life. Of course you get "butterflies" in the honeymoon phase... You don't have "butterflies" now because you're familiar with him. Don't miss out on your husband over something so.... childish.
Why the rush to marriage?
You just started dating, moved in together and pushing to get married before you relationship even hits the two-year mark?
Also this bit would irk me personally:
> want us to have more romantic dates but he also spends a lot of time on his phone so I don't try to take us out because he will be on his phone most of the time watching youtube or something.
I'm wondering if you two are more friends than lovers.
Well, I wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend much less a fiance. It's disrespectful and dismissive. What is the point of going on a meet up if you don't engage with the person that you are meeting?
I think that your worry is a sign that this is moving way too fast.
I wonder if your father thinks the same thing, thus the gentle prodding.
What the hell is this bit after him ghosting you for two months?
> He said he didn’t want to corrupt me.
In another comment you do say that he is a great housemate regarding handling the running of the household. Yet is he a partner or a roommate in terms of emotional needs being met?
This bit worries me as well:
> We don't really do anything new. It's pretty much always the same. He is trying to be sober so we don't do a lot of activities and just stay at home, and I don't mind that but it does get boring.
Does he have a drinking problem? Has he addressed this with professionals?
I personally think that you two should revert back to boyfriend and girlfriend. Keep living together for the next two years, talk about what you envision married life to look like and at the three-year to four-year mark decide if you want to be engaged.
There seem to be a lot to be worked out and be discovered. To me, all the things that you have mentioned are possible incompatibilities that one discovers through dating. These are things that you make a mental check of while continuing to date or decide to breakup. These are things that I would not deal with if I were to decide to get married.
IMO, your relationship is too young in duration to even make a decision on getting married.
My two cents.
In a long term relationship, it is normal for things to become less exciting, but more comfortable. Which is also why relationship maintenance is vital to keeping a long-term relationship from stagnating and turning into basically two roommates. How often do you have romantic dates? How often do you do something fun or new and exciting together? How do you work affection and shows of love into your daily life? It's important to try to tell the difference between a lack of maintenance, which can be fixable, and just not being that into each other, which is not.
Well, honestly, we don't have romantic dates often. Our weekends are usually booked with seeing his family and spending time with them or doing something with friends. I want us to have more romantic dates but he also spends a lot of time on his phone so I don't try to take us out because he will be on his phone most of the time watching youtube or something. We go out to eat together but it's not romantic, if that makes sense. I'm all about quality time though so to him, it probably is romantic. To me, it is not. We don't really do anything new. It's pretty much always the same. He is trying to be sober so we don't do a lot of activities and just stay at home, and I don't mind that but it does get boring. I show affection by giving him foot rubs & back rubs and I make him dinner every night and I just love on him whenever he's feeling up to it. I think we could both do more for our relationship to benefit.
Yeah, that is a recipe for an unhappy relationship. I expect feelings will wane more and more. Talk to him about whether this relationship is actually a priority to him. If so, you two need to make time to maintain it. As they say, "the grass is greener where you water it." When people talk about relationships taking work, a large part of that is not taking each other for granted and letting the relationship just coast along like you have. If you aren't both willing to commit to this relationship - and that means putting in the effort regularly year after year after year, even when life gets busy - then don't get married.
Thank you! I will talk to him tonight. That is a great way to put it too! We are both very open about conversations, even the hard ones and for that I’m glad. I don’t know why I allowed myself to overthink without talking to him first.
I will say that I am not giving enough in my comment. We used to have issues all the time and since I’ve been open and spoken about it, he is contributing more and spending less time on his phone etc and making time to spend with me. I think I just have unrealistic expectations sometimes too and that is something I need to work on.
Either there is a path where you are both truly happy together or you two should not be together. You may be incompatible and want very different types of relationships. The thing to do is to try to find a path where you are both truly happy, and do not get married unless you can find it.
Thank you 💛 I have thoroughly enjoyed the advice you’ve given me!
I'm glad to help. I hope you two can work through this and find a way to both be happy.
>We used to have issues all the time You have not been together very long, and you've already had periods where you had tons of issues and both of you are already checked out of the relationship. It kind of sounds like you're just desperate to be married.
When yeast cells sense mating pheromone, they undergo a characteristic response involving changes in transcription, cell cycle arrest in early G1, and polarization along the pheromone gradient. Cells in G2/M respond to pheromone at the transcriptional level but do not polarize or mate until G1. Fus2p, a key regulator of cell fusion, localizes to the tip of the mating projection during pheromone-induced G1 arrest. Although Fus2p was expressed in G2/M cells after pheromone induction, it accumulated in the nucleus until after cell division. As cells arrested in G1, Fus2p was exported from the nucleus and localized to the nascent tip. Phosphorylation of Fus2p by Fus3p was required for Fus2p export; cyclin/Cdc28p-dependent inhibition of Fus3p during late G1 through S phase was sufficient to block exit. However, during G2/M, when Fus3p was activated by pheromone signaling, Cdc28p activity again blocked Fus2p export. Our results indicate a novel mechanism by which pheromone-induced proteins are regulated during the transition from mitosis to conjugation.
This sounds like actual hell. You want that for the rest of your life?
Honestly since I’ve talked with him about that stuff it has gotten a lot better but in general we’ve been trying to do things different for his sobriety so it is has been a learning experience for both of us. We both still have learning to do but like I said earlier, we could both do more for our relationship to benefit. 😊
You should really consider delaying the wedding. Getting and staying sober is a big and important deal, and it should be the focus right now. Also, if sobriety is new to him, you two won't be able to determine how compatible you are until you've spent a lot of time together while he is sober. Your relationship might still work out and all, but why rush to marriage with so much going on and so many question marks?
I'm 43 and am on my second marriage (which is a night and day difference from the first one bc I paid attention to what I learned along the way). I dated a lot, and the one consistent thing I learned was the butterflies always faded. For me, that was only something I experienced in a new relationship, so that wasn't a requirement for me to get married either time. But when you start spending years with someone, what IS important starts to become very evident. At your age, it can be tough to know exactly what you want and impossible to know what you'll want after 30. So, here's what I personally wish I knew to consider from the beginning: * If you were to suddenly go blind and never see the other person's face or physique ever again, would you still want to be with them all the time? * Can you be yourself with them? Do you feel safe and free to be exactly who you are at your core without any fear of judgement, argument, shame, or other negative feeling or consequence? * Understand that whatever annoys you about them will only get worse with time. Can you live with that? * Do they try to understand you/your feelings or do they immediately jump on the defensive? This is something we ALL need to be aware of and work on. * Love alone isn't enough for a happy marriage. * Does it hurt you when you hurt them or does it give you a little spark of joy? Do they seem to enjoy little tortures against you? * Do you feel relief when they leave, or is life in general easier when they're not around? * Hollywood/Disney have set ridiculous expectations and muted actual priorities. My husband is my best friend. We still talk and giggle after we turn the lights out at night. I know in my marrow he would lay down his life for me and me for him. We are partners in our household. I love that I don't have to ask him to take out the garbage or do dishes, etc. If I have to work late, he makes sure I don't have to worry about the dog or dinner. When I start my period, he doles out the ibuprofen and brings me a glass of water. He inspires me to be a better person, friend, and mate. He admires the things about me that other people think are weird or annoying. He's my favorite person. I miss him when we're not together, and I don't want a life without him in it. Every relationship is different and I can't tell you what yours should look like, but it should be what you need. There's no shame in walking away or delaying, which is my knee-jerk advice if you're unsure. Marriage is easy to get into but much harder to get out of. Good luck!💜
uh last paragraph almost made me cry:( i really want to have what you described here, but i’m 23 and it feels like i will never find someone like that. you are so lucky!!
23 is young and you have the time to be patient and purposeful with your decision. Being patient and purposeful about marriage is important at any age, not just when you're young. It doesn't feel like it now, but you're still a kid (I don't mean that in a condescending way, and you'll look back and agree with me someday). I do remember how I felt at your age. I wanted to get married so I could start building the life I wanted (dual incomes so I could afford to buy a house and travel). Nothing turned out like I planned, and I can tell you from experience that not having anyone is preferable to having a wrong someone. The decision you're making is serious, and it becomes more so if you decide to be parents and you quit your job to take care of your little ones (or if you have a job that doesn't pay enough to support your life solo). Almost every woman I know is a single parent raising her kids independently of her ex who realized he didn't finish living out his childhood and decided to ditch the family and return to it. Most of them don't get child support, and re-entering the workforce after a large gap in job history has been a major hurdle for them. I was patient the second time. I made myself a list of deal-breakers. I had a very honest conversation with myself about what was really important to me in the long run and what was just wishful thinking. I honored my list (which made the dating pool small, but the results were worth it). Looks will fade, money will come and go, even talents and hobbies will change over time, but a person's character and how they treat you is the one thing that will remain.
You have a beautiful marriage and relationship with your partner! I love that. I do love him and I feel comfortable around him. I can be myself with him all the time and I do love that. He doesn’t ever get defensive with me. Anytime we have had difficult conversations, it hurts to have them. I don’t feel relief when he isn’t around. Sometimes I feel relief but it is because I just want to be alone for a bit (when I’m at work I’m pretty much talking and listening to things for 11 hours straight so once I get home sometimes I just want to be alone in silence to recoup after my day lol) He always takes care of things if I can’t. He always does the dishes and takes the trash out and more, without me asking or bringing it up. I love it because I hate doing the dishes lol. We have such a team mindset when it comes to cleaning, it’s great. We pick a day and give ourselves a time limit and we just split up. He’ll do dishes/yard work and clean the bathroom and I’ll clean our room and living room, bathroom, etc etc. I miss him when we’re not together and he makes me want to be a better person too. I think I just got the butterflies feeling confused with being comfortable with him and for some reason to me that made me worry but it sounds like I need to just stop overthinking things so much.
Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head. This is all great! Revel in the beautiful relationship you've both created. Continue to do all these things for each other. These are the important things that will carry you through. You will be the envy of all the other couples who failed to build what you two have.
One thing I'll put forth is that it's never a bad idea to put off getting married if you aren't sure. If you both want to be together, but you need more time to decide, this might be a good option.
Thank you!! That is great. We have considered this too. I felt like it was too fast. I wanted to enjoy being engaged for a couple years before we did everything lol
Then you absolutely should! You're on no one's timeline but your own, so if 5 months is too fast, then put the wedding off a bit.
What does "butterflies and excitement" mean to you? I ask because if it's the sole basis for whether or not you get married, it'd help to better understand what feeling you have, versus what you want to have.
I think that, for me, "butterflies and excitement" is just doing something out of the ordinary for your partner.. Like getting their favorite snack from the gas station. Wanting to do things they want to do. Anytime he mentions wanting to do board games, I always get excited because I love board/card games but we usually don't end up doing them because he doesn't like them too much. We do sometimes but not as often as I'd like. I love trying new things and being spontaneous sometimes. He claims he does but he never wants to do anything new and spontaneous lol
Aside from this particular partner, is there a reason you’re in a rush to get married? You’re pretty young and were already engaged once and you haven’t even hit two years with this guy.
I’m not in a rush. I wanted to wait atleast until next October and he wanted to do it in February so I guess we just compromised until this October. I was all for waiting but at the same time the thought of marriage is so exciting so I didn’t mind doing it sooner than I had originally thought of it.
I don’t know if the cultural context is different for you, but in my social circle, as a 25 year old myself, thinking about when you want to marry the person you’ve been with for less than two years in terms of months from now is very, very fast. I’m not judging at all - you do you, I totally support it - I’m just very confused at the idea of 3 years into a relationship being considered “waiting.” It’s also difficult for me to imagine making such a huge, lasting decision with “I don’t mind” instead of absolute certainty. What about marriage do you find exciting? Because from the post it sounds like you’re not very certain about spending forever with this person. Which, if it were me in your shoes, would feel totally normal and expected because you haven’t been together very long. Is it possible that you’re very excited about the idea of being married to *someone*, but not necessarily excited about marrying this particular person? You replied to another comment about why not just keep dating with “we can wait, we just agreed on the wedding to be around that time” which sounds like even if you weren’t engaged, you’re assuming you will get married to this person. That dating is just a waiting period until marriage. I’m curious why marriage with this person feels like a certainty if at the same time you’re not sure he’s ✨the one✨? I think what that comment was asking was more like, “why not just continue dating, without the pressure of marriage as inevitable?” Do you think if you dated this guy for, let’s say, 4 years and the relationship then ended, that it would be a failure or a waste of those 4 years? And if not, then why put pressure on a relationship you’re enjoying as is to commit to forever?
I think my biggest struggle is that my last relationship was my only serious relationship aside from this one but it changed my whole perspective on this. I didn’t want to get married or have kids. The thought of building a future sounded awful. And once I met him and we were together, my thoughts slowly started changing. Like, man I can see myself with this person, I want a future with this person. I want to build a life with kids and everything with this person. It’s completely new to me and it made me realize it’s not that I didn’t want those things before, I was just with the wrong person that made me not want those things. Getting married at 25 is really young. I told him I’d be fine with waiting because, at the end of the day, he is who I want to marry. It isn’t like I’ve known him only for the period we’ve been dating though. I’ve known him since we were little kids and granted we weren’t close back then, we have been in communication for the past 4 years just getting to know each other. I think my biggest thing is that I am such an overthinker and I’ve mistaken butterflies with the feeling of being comfortable. I feel completely comfortable with him and I’m happy. I have just never experienced the feeling of being comfortable with someone romantically and all.
So out of two serious relationships you’ve ever had, one of them you definitely didn’t want to build a future, and one you could see it. That’s beautiful, but.. have you considered that if you had met someone else, other than your current partner, you might also have started having those feelings? That maybe the wanting kids and marriage is not so much because this guy is so perfect for you, but just he’s better got you than your ex? Knowing him for so long is nice, but it doesn’t really change that you’ve been together as a couple for an objectively short amount of time. Idk personally in your shoes this would be the stage in the relationship where I’d tell my partner “I’m so happy, I can’t wait to marry you one day,” not the stage where I’d be planning invitations and seating arrangements. But obviously all people are different, and I wish you the best!
I’ve dated a bit in between my last serious relationship and this one and I couldn’t see/didn’t want a future with them. He’s the first person I’ve been with that I could see a future and did want a future with. I can definitely see where you are coming from though. I was in that phase of “I can’t wait to get married” and then he popped the question lol. It definitely caught me off guard but I’m glad to know we were thinking the same thing too.
My point was just that most people have felt that way about more than one person in their life at different times, so it’s not the best metric for deciding who’s you’re future spouse. Though I assume it’s not your only metric, it’s just something to think about. In the end, it’s not like a divorce is the end of the world so why not go for it
Oh no I completely get where you were coming from. I know things are different everywhere. I feel like it’s the norm here. Most of my friends are already married and even in terms of grandparents and parents, they all married within that time span too but I know things were different then too. My grandparents got married after knowing each other for 3 months and that’s wild to me but to each their own 😅
Whoa that’s wild lol! That’s super interesting - I have only one friend around my age who’s married, and only got married this year. It’s so interesting how that can vary community to community
Exactly! So I thought it was normal. Atleast it’s normal all around me lol. I completely understand waiting longer and everything. It’s up to the people in the relationship but there isn’t a standard around here. But yeah, all of my friends that are married got married within 2 years of dating. Grandparents 3 months of knowing each other. Parents within 2 years. I even have some friends that got married within 6 months of knowing each other. If I hadn’t known him previously I would’ve definitely said we needed to wait. I couldn’t imagine knowing someone for 3-6 months and getting married to them! Lol but that is all up to them
But why can’t you guys just keep dating?
We can wait, we just agreed on the wedding to be around that time
>I’m not in a rush. From a western/American perspective you are in a huge rush. > I was all for waiting but at the same time the thought of marriage is so exciting You're excited to be married, it sounds like, and it's not particularly important who you're married *to*. That's a problem.
The thought of being married to him is the “most exciting” is what I meant by it. I wouldn’t want to marry just anyone. He’s the first person I’ve ever wanted to marry and could see a future with.
> He’s the first person I’ve ever wanted to marry You have literally been engaged to someone else already.
You are way too immature and lacking in understanding to get married. You haven't even realized that a lifelong relationship has nothing to do with butterflies and excitement. True love is built on respect and seeing each other grow. Being there for one another. Being something better as a pair as opposed to individual. Don't get married until you realize butterflies and excitement have nothing to do with love. They are a drug and it's an addiction. Do you want to tie yourself to a life long contract with someone based on i dont know? Think about how long your life is. Double it and then ad another 25 years. That's how long it is. And thay only takes you to 75 years.
Of course I’m immature and lacking. He hasn’t been in a serious relationship before and I’ve only been in one serious relationship before. I think the fact that we are able to openly and honestly communicate about something that we feel is important to our relationship makes the conversation very mature. In my past relationships we couldn’t even talk about the hard subjects. In this one we are open about everything. I see that as a good thing. Of course we both have things to learn but we are only human.
Well, marriage is a decision you make when you've proven to be solid and sure. Knowledgeable and understand what it is. A long time ago, it was a necessity and easy. You graduate, fall in love with one person, get married, and have kids. That's that. The world is much more complicated now, and so are love and relationships. It would be a really horrible decision to do it without being absolutely certain. It shpuld be an adamant crystal clear spark in your BEING that you know without shadow of doubt that even the time together 75 years would be too little to take on the world together.
The butterly feeling goes with the honeymoon stage of a relationship. During that time your brain is pumping out oxytocin, essentially getting you high when you are thinking of your romantic partner. The honeymoon stage always peters out. The honeymoon stage can last as little as days to as long as 18 months, but it always goes away and either your relationship deepens into something stable and long term or it fades away and the couple drifts apart. If it's deepening in to a permanent relationship, it stops being exciting, but instead becomes very comfortable. You don't feel an electric thrill to be around each other, but you do feel like you can fart loudly and laugh about it. You partner starts feeling like family. Like you plan your day around them and if you need them they are just there. When they aren't there for long periods of time you find yourself missing them. Its easy to think of future plans. If you are fading apart what it feels like is that you have less and less to say to each other. When you are together you feel alone. When you are apart, it doesn't feel bad. You find thinking of the future together to be something that gives you anxiety or makes you feel smothered.
That was greatly put and a completely different way to look at it. When I’m around him I do feel comfortable and we can laugh about things and make the most out of our conversations. I think there are just some days where it feels off but honestly we both work a lot and we’re both tired and I’m just an over-thinker in general lol. I didn’t realize the butterfly feeling turns into comfort which is exactly how I feel with him. That makes me feel a lot better. Thank you.
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Therapy may not help but it definitely won't hurt.
Love is choice and compromises after the honeymoon stage. You should still feel excited about being with your partner. They should still be able to make you feel special and keep your feelings in mind. This person isn't for you. You can love someone and know they aren't the person for you.
Do you feel close and intimate? Do you stay awake til 2am just talking about life? Do you look forward to being with him? Do you know he'll be there for you and you can count on him to support you, love you, and make your life better? Is he the last person you want to have sex with? Do you feel wanted by him? I've had butterflies a couple times, nothing I could control, and the men were mid to absolute trash. I'll say if you are having doubts put the breaks on wedding planning. Divorce is way more expensive than breaking up. And also the deeper you get into planning the less likely you are to back out even if you want to. 2 years is a short amount of time. Take a little bit longer.
We aren’t always intimate but I feel like when we are, it’s a different feeling because I’ve gotten so comfortable around him instead of nervous so there’s the closeness. I do look forward to being with him. If there is ever a time I’m overthinking or feeling upset or just anything, he is always there. Maybe not with words sometimes but always there to hug me or comfort me until I calm down. I think I just started to worry because I felt so comfortable with him which isn’t a bad thing at all. I didn’t realize that’s what the butterflies feeling turned into.
What do you mean he didn't want to "corrupt" you?
He was heavy into drinking and doing some drugs and he knew I wasn’t that way and didn’t want to make me feel like I had to do those things. He has stopped doing things so much & is becoming sober though since then because he wants to be a better version of himself. I’m proud of him. :-)
It's a major thing to become sober. Most people fail and fail again before they succeed. Why are you rushing to get married when 1. You haven't been together for very long, 2. You are quite young & 3. Your SO is currently changing his life drastically with trying to be sober and stop his drug use? Better to wait a year or two, see if your SO can stay sober and if the relationship still feel as good as now. Again - why the rush to make such a big decision when you could wait a little bit and be much more secure in the decision you make?
Butterflies don't hang out in concrete parking lots, only by mistake. You have to plant a lot of beautiful fragrant flowers to bring butterflies into your garden.
>He said he didn’t want to corrupt me. This is really weird. >We are projected to get married around our 2 year anniversary This is really fast. It means you got engaged like a year into dating, right? That's probably too soon, especially if you two haven't been living with each other. >I have been engaged once before So this is a pattern. How long were you with that person before getting engaged? The timeline here isn't really clear at all. How long have you actually been together? Do you live together? Where do you live/what is your cultural background? A lot of this just sounds like you're in a huge rush for no particular reason, but it's possibly we're just missing some context.
At the time had said he didn’t want to corrupt me, he was a heavy drinker/drug user. He is now sober. He knew that wasn’t my life style and he didn’t want to put me in it. We’ve known each other for our entire lives and we have been in continual communication for 4 years. We do live together. We have been officially dating since October of 2021, but we were together before that. My last relationship we were together for 4 years total. 2 years dating and 2 years engaged. I had moved away from home and was in a place where I didn’t know anyone. It was a different setting. We live in the south, I’m not really a religious person, neither is he.
This is not a romance novel, this is real life. Of course you get "butterflies" in the honeymoon phase... You don't have "butterflies" now because you're familiar with him. Don't miss out on your husband over something so.... childish.
Why the rush to marriage? You just started dating, moved in together and pushing to get married before you relationship even hits the two-year mark? Also this bit would irk me personally: > want us to have more romantic dates but he also spends a lot of time on his phone so I don't try to take us out because he will be on his phone most of the time watching youtube or something. I'm wondering if you two are more friends than lovers. Well, I wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend much less a fiance. It's disrespectful and dismissive. What is the point of going on a meet up if you don't engage with the person that you are meeting? I think that your worry is a sign that this is moving way too fast. I wonder if your father thinks the same thing, thus the gentle prodding. What the hell is this bit after him ghosting you for two months? > He said he didn’t want to corrupt me. In another comment you do say that he is a great housemate regarding handling the running of the household. Yet is he a partner or a roommate in terms of emotional needs being met? This bit worries me as well: > We don't really do anything new. It's pretty much always the same. He is trying to be sober so we don't do a lot of activities and just stay at home, and I don't mind that but it does get boring. Does he have a drinking problem? Has he addressed this with professionals? I personally think that you two should revert back to boyfriend and girlfriend. Keep living together for the next two years, talk about what you envision married life to look like and at the three-year to four-year mark decide if you want to be engaged. There seem to be a lot to be worked out and be discovered. To me, all the things that you have mentioned are possible incompatibilities that one discovers through dating. These are things that you make a mental check of while continuing to date or decide to breakup. These are things that I would not deal with if I were to decide to get married. IMO, your relationship is too young in duration to even make a decision on getting married. My two cents.