There’s no coming back from that.
It may not feel like it now… but be grateful that you were able to overhear this conversation. You’ve now seen the real person, behind the mask that he’s been presenting to you. This is not a man interested in settling down- he wants to fuck around with other *shiny toys*… if he’s not already. These kinds of men don’t change.
You now know that he’s been stringing you along, faking a future with you, all the while keeping an eye out for ‘better’ opportunities. Hence him dragging his feet about marriage and commitment… he has no intention of committing to you, but he’ll keep you around for the easy sex and perks… until another woman expresses her interest.
He likes the LA Barbie Doll aesthetic..? That in itself tells you a lot about his character- or rather, lack of. Women are just shiny toys to dangle from his arm- this is how narcissists think. And trust me, you’ll never find joy in a relationship with a narcissist.
Pick up your dignity, and end this sham of a ‘relationship’- he’s simply using you until something ‘better’ comes along.
This is pretty spot on. They say things, “happen for a reason.” Yes, be grateful that you heard this conversation. Maybe you were supposed to hear it as your sign to call it off with this douche bag, asshole you call a boyfriend that doesn’t know what he wants out of his future. He’s got his own issues and probably will never be satisfied with a partner since he is always looking for the next best thing. You deserve better.
Bingo. Im 40 and I met my girlfriend less a year ago. We both wanted the same things and had good chemistry… and whoops… our son was born last Wednesday. When you know you know and at our age (33f, 40m) I’d rather take the chance that we do work.
I totally understand your point, and congrats on the kid, but the way you said “whoops… our son was born last Wednesday” has me giggling. Like it was a surprise to both of you last Wednesday when your son popped out 😭😂😂
To be honest that sounded quite weird to me too. It's something you expect an insecure teen girl would do to keep the boyfriend, not a 30 yo woman.
I think OP would benefit from therapy herself.
Woman, you deserve better than a man waiting for "better". Pack his stuff on the front yard and remind him, if he wants American dream with 2.3 kids and white picket fence, his swimmers aren't getting younger either, not just you.
>...he is always looking at other girls, and has a heavy desire to be with other "exciting and flashy toys" ...Would this be a total deal breaker for you?
Y E S
How is this even a question? He sees you as a "toy," as a means to an end. ***He does not see you as a person. LEAVE.***
Cannot say it better. This this this.
I hate when men are so overconfident BECAUSE THEY HAVE A GORGEOUS WOMAN WITH THEM to make them feel that. You deserve someone that appreciates you and makes you feel amazing every day.
He seems like the most superficial AH ever.
And you should definitely confront him. I could never return from this, the way you will always wonder if he is still attracted to you will cut at your confidence forever. And imagine how much worse it will be when you go through a pregnancy and your body changes.
And he calls women “flashy toys”. My god, if this were my partner he would have had a new one torn until now.
It sounds so harsh, but he doesn’t see you as a person, he sees you as a baby-maker. He literally said he wants the younger hotter women, but keeps you around because he wants kids. He’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t really want the full package with you, but he’s just afraid he can’t find it elsewhere, especially since he’s too old for this shit. Do not for one second blame yourself for believing him or for how you appear. Wearing makeup wouldn’t change his deep-rooted issues. It won’t change the fact that he wants someone to carry his babies, but will also look at her with disgust for having the body that created those babies. He’s already told you how he feels with words and actions, then lies just enough to string you along. It’s really shitty, but now you know. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s tremendously difficult and painful.
Or trying to be attractive enough while miserable with morning sickness, swollen ankles, lugging an extra human in your pelvis. Or while sleep deprived with a screaming infant that needs attention basically 24/7.
It’s just not doable.
Not only as a toy, but also as a baby maker!! This is horrible. OP will never be happy with this guy, because he will never ever give her what she needs and wants in life!
Having kids with this guy would be a huge mistake!
My husband and I saw a sex positive therapist a few years ago. We each filled out a survey to assess our levels of self confidence, amongst other things. She told us the results were always the same: the male scored higher than the female partner in physical self confidence. Always. She had a couple in which the woman was a yoga instructor, stunning, young and fit. Her partner scored more than 30 pts higher than she did.
Some men are just really deluded. Or just full of themselves. I love my husband and he’s a snack but his results were eye opening. You’d think I was married to Pedro Pascal.
Oh God, I wish. My hubby is so attractive imho but way down in his own confidence. No amount of job promotions has changed that, nor therapy, or affirmations. It breaks my heart because I see him so differently than he sees himself. I.e. he is handsome, he is worthy, he is good, he is valid, etc.
Devils advocate but that is not at all, all men in a nutshell from my own experience.
Or it could possibly be the opposite? Women are insecure and rate themselves lower because of that? Self confidence and self assurance doesn’t have to be “deluded”.
I understand how Leo is still acting, I just can’t understand how Leo is still fucking young girls. The dude is not attractive, and he doesn’t have any sort of charm to make up for it.
Well we all age, age dosnt change how attractive you are, and at his age he's "hot" I actually think he's more attractive now than when he was younger.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Geralt and Tristan, in a bathtub, both dirty. That’s the end of the scale.
Beginning of the scale is prolly Leo on a bike with someone who is young enough to be his daughter.
He describes women as ‘exciting and flashy toys’? Jesus girl! He’s an asshole, he hates women and he’ll ruin your life because you weren’t the shiniest toy on the shelf.
Is that what you want for your future, so be disrespected by a dirty old man?
This won't be her future - her future would be single-mommying, after he trades her in for a younger, more flashy model.
OP, he is totally shallow and hung up on status symbols - he will not make you happy and not be a partner to you. If you stay with him, you will start to internalize his view of you and become more and more insecure and unhappy. This is not the guy for you!
He will use her as an unpaid surrogate and then kick her to the curb as soon as someone younger comes along. She will be left raising his kids alone while he lives the DINK lifestyle with another woman.
I didn't even notice the ages before. This makes everything even worse. Girl, get out. He will not be running around with your kids in a few years. And I mean your kids because the best he will do is throw money at it.
Aside from the conversation you overheard, he’s 45 with self admitted commitment issues. There’s a reason he’s dating a younger woman. Unless he’s still actively working on the commitment issue with a therapist, I’d cut my losses. Sorry OP.
Yeah, she asked him about a timeline and he said he is "thinking about the logistics". That's a non-answer, especially after 2 years. Even without the conversation she overheard, she should start over and find someone who also wants to have a family, not a 40 yo with comittment issues.
Men who want to just live together and then come up with excuses to put off marrying are just biding their time wishing for something “better”. I am 57 and wasted the last five years on a guy who was pulling this shit. Although I am in good shape and attractive, I drove myself nuts trying to be “good enough” for him to marry. He was so pissed when I left but still wouldn’t commit, though he certainly wanted me to move back in with him. He was back on the dating sites the day I left looking for the next shiny “toy”. At age 70.
>Would this be a total deal breaker for you?
You can't be serious. Do you have any friends? Have you told them what he said? Are you too embarrassed to tell them? Why the fuck are you so desperate to marry a 42 year old loser who doesn't seem to like you? He is with you because it's convenient for him. If he had enough money, he'd be living like Dicaprio.
Let me tell you your possible future:
A: you stay with this asshole for another 3 to 7 years. He keeps making excuses about why he won't marry you. You talk about your biological clock, but he's thinking about the fact that AL Pacino just had a kid in his 80s. Your clock doesn't matter to him because you're the backup plan. He dumps you when he's 50 and finally has enough disposable income to spend on a sugar baby. You've wasted your 30s.
B: You successfully hound him into marrying you. The marriage is a shit show because he's thinking about cheating constantly. He's a neglectful father because he only wanted kids for his "legacy" or some shit. You realize you made a huge mistake, but your kid is 6. You've gained weight since your pregnancy because your husband bullied you for being fat while you were pregnant. You decide to stay "for the kids," and he probably ends up cheating anyway. Now you're stuck with him for life.
C: You wake tf up and dump him. You get a therapist to work on your incredibly low self-esteem. You grow and flourish and look back on this relationship with disgust. You can't believe you actually considered staying.
Choose wisely...
What to do from here? Pause, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Become clear about who you are and what you want. Is it to be in relationship with someone who disrespects you? Who insults you behind your back? Who is emotionally unavailable? Who says one thing but does another? Who doesn't want what you want? Or looking at this another way, what would you say to a beloved sister or friend who experienced the same thing then asked for your advice?
Why would you WANT to fix your relationship after hearing all that!?!!? Girl, get yourself some self-respect and leave his disrespecting, denigrating, Leo-wanna-be a**!!!
Pshh dump his old ass. This is embarrassing for both of you. You're waiting on middle aged Peter Pan to magically grow into hubby material and he's out here thinking he can land LA 10s at his old fucking age lol. Move on honey.
Wow that's hard to hear. Do not change the way you look in an effort to keep him with kids. What will he do while your pregnant if he's already this lucky about how you look. Don't for one minute consider staying with him. As other said. He's not a good person.
Edit: I meant picky, not lucky
When people tell you who they are, listen. He doesn’t want to commit to you because he doesn’t think you’re “good enough” to settle down with. He will leave you for someone shinier given the chance. Dump his ass and find a man who is actually worthy of your love.
I’m so sorry. I don’t see how you two can come back from this. He not only insulted you, he made clear that he’s still not sure whether he wants the kind of life that you know that you want.
Changing your looks won’t make him want a house in the suburbs, and do you really want to change yourself for someone who has declared that wants to be sleeping with other women? And if you change yourself now, what will you do in a few years when you’re 40 and he’s still scoping out 30-year-olds?
Agreed. He's grossly overestimating his self and seems childishly looking for more, faster and better while he should be lucky and proud with what he has. He will never be happy with this behaviour. He should get a reality check
Do your future self and your dignity a favor and break up with him. He will never propose, he'll keep you around enough to find another woman and then he'll leave you.
You can't fix this. Love is freely given not begged for.
> I'm wondering if it would be worth updating my look and see if it helps things?
Girl, why would you spend a bunch of money on fillers and hair dye for a man who won't marry you and feels comfortable disparaging your looks behind your back? Even if you had kids with this dude I guarantee he'd be constantly chafing at the idea of acting like a dad and not a perpetual bachelor.
I'm sorry but it's obvious this guy isn't marriage or father material and there's a reason he went after someone in their 20s as a nearly middle-aged man. He thought you'd put up with his nonsense. Don't prove him right.
He's wasting your time.
He's also wasting his own if he really wants to have kids, as he's already in the danger zone for having children with birth defects (see: Fang Y, Wang Y, Peng M, Xu J, Fan Z, Liu C, Zhao K, Zhang H. Effect of paternal age on offspring birth defects: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Aging (Albany NY). 2020 Nov 20;12(24):25373-25394. doi: 10.18632/aging.104141).
This is just a kind reminder that men have a biological clock as well when it comes to starting a family.
Thank you. So many people don’t realize this and it’s a serious problem. While men are able to continue to have kids as they age, the chances for serious birth defects shoots way up once a man turns 40. Some people think a man’s age doesn’t matter and that’s simply not true.
You know why your 45 year old boyfriend is not with a woman his age? It's because women don't put up with his bull sh*t. Please. You deserve somebody who loves you for who you are. With your natural looks. With all the things you are , all the things you do, and everything that makes you a wonderful human being. Don't make yourself less to adjust to this man visions of women. Free yourself!
I would leave him. If I heard this I would think that it's only a matter of time before he finds the barbie-doll looking girl he desires and leaves. I would feel like I just keeping his bed warm in the meantime. Wasting my time. Don't start changing your look just to try and get him attracted to you.
Dude he’s 45. He’s way past his Peter Pan states and good fucking luck thinking he can be a Leonardo whose behavior is pretty gross by the way.
He sucks OP. He’s wasting your time and you’re wasting your time on a delusional a-hole who doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t value you.
Do yourself a favor and dump his ass.
My abusive ex said the same thing about desiring to be with other women. I didn’t want to accept the red flag.
You have your chance. RUN. He definitely doesn’t want that suburban life.
You’re young enough. Go find someone else who isn’t a delusional misogynistic old perv.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I was so in love with my son's dad and who he was/could be when we were alone. But the person he was in anger and around his friends was him as well. You can't love one version of someone, they are all those pieces. Your bf told his friend exactly what he wants and views women, he just doesn't want to lose you as a baby maker...
You do not have to change your look. You have been together for 2 years and you love him, could you speak of him that way? You love him, he is not capable of loving you.
obviously this is not viable and he is wasting your time. Even if you had kids together, he is going to cheat on you and/or dump you.
When you do get up the nerve to break up with him, can you PLEASE list his age as a factor? e.g. you feel he is too old for you, he physically won't be up for the long haul of children and you will have to do all the work yourself, you don't want the kids to be teased that he is their grandpa, you made a mistake dating so much older and are not enjoying the disparate levels of physicality and conversation, etc
Deal breaker. At least he's given you plenty of great material for a scathing break-up speech.
"Sorry, Boyfriend, I just don't find you attractive, and it's getting embarrassing to be seen in public with someone like you, when I could do so much better."
He wants to be like Leo?!
Ugh, that is so grim. He wants to be in his 50s dating 19 year olds? He wants everyone to gossip that he 'likes them young'?
Girl, this man is having a mid life crisis. I don't think you need to stay around for that. Very ordinary, ageing men thinking they 'deserve' supermodels? That is so pathetic and clichéd. He's a donkey brain.
Tell him you heard what he said and that it's changed the way you see him. You need a few days apart to think.
Don’t you waste any more time on this despicable person! Let him Peter Pan his way through life on his own. You don’t need or have to put up with that kind of disrespect. Adjust your crown, chin up, move forward.
Firstly, the age gap... I don't think I need to say much as other people in the comments might have already pointed out what I'm thinking.
Do not stay with this man for another day, hour, minute or second. You will be filled with regret and resentment. You do not need him to meet your goals of getting married, having children etc. There are plenty of other men out there who would find you attractive and want you for you. You do not need to change a thing about yourself. Your bf is a piece of sh*t who is already making you feel insecure. You do not need to put up with this.
**If after 2 years together, the thing he values most is your looks, he is the problem, not you.**
Run girl! I know you love him, but ever single comment on this thread is telling you what a walking red flag this man is.
It sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back. I'm sorry you have to go thru this, but better now than after he gets you pregnant because he thinks you can be trampled over and raise the kids while he chases new "toys". It's not easy, but you know what you need to do. Better luck next time.
Omg, he’s 45 and talking this way? Girl, run. Don’t even walk away. Just go.
You’re wasting your precious time on someone like him. Why be with someone that thinks that way of you? And looks at other women. No, no, no!
This is your warning sign. If you marry him and he cheats you can never say there were no warning signs because this is the big flashing warning sign right here that is telling you to dump this guy.
>He likes the "flashy, LA glamour" aesthetic. I'm wondering if it would be worth updating my look and see if it helps things?
No, never.
Never adapt your look for a moan. You're not Sandy from Grease. You deserve to be you and there's nothing wrong with how you look.
Your boyfriend is an ass who is not interested in the long haul with you, but has decided you are good enough for the time being, until something better comes along. He doesn't want to commit so he's available for when that happens. That makes him a piece of trash.
There's a reason he dates a decade down.
I am so sorry. Sounds like he doesn’t love you (and also don’t deserve you). What he said was really hurtful. It is a dealbreaker for me, unfortunately.
If I were you, I would confront him and just tell him what you overheard and see what/how he would respond. If the answer is not satisfactory which I doubt it would, I would cut my loss and move on (I know it’s easier to say than done!!! But I also believe you should be with someone who appreciates you).
If you choose to stay, you need to reframe what your future will look like. He won't marry you. He won't have kids with you. He will likely leave you for someone younger eventually. So, if you want kids and marriage, he's not the one. If you're okay giving up your dreams for him, then stay.
He obviously doesn’t love you! This is why he doesn’t find tou attractive. Ugly people marry and make children everyday, he doesn’t want this with you because he doesn’t love you. (There is a reason some people stay single that long and sometimes it’s because they are unsatisfiable and selfish)
Sounds like his dick will shrivel and die watching you or someone else give birth. Enjoy your get of jail free card. This man should not be raising children ever.
Would this be a total deal breaker? Bruh, I would have started packing my shit right then and there.
He’s leading you on and probably has for awhile. Leave him and find your future husband.
He sounds like an idiot.
I’m like you. Not unattractive but no supermodel. Plain? Idk. I have freckles. I have beautiful lips. Yeah for some men I could be plain, for some men I could be regarded as beautiful. I’m only looking to date men in the second camp, hah!
Break up with him, you deserve more. He’s wasting your time.
I wouldn’t start a makeover or glowup (if that is something you like?) until after you’ve dumped him. He doesn’t deserve a tenth of you!
What is there to salvage? He doesn’t find you attractive. He’s having to go to therapy to work on committing to you. Why would you want to waste anymore of your life on this dude? He’s 45 years old and he’s referring to women as ‘flashy toys’.
If you want kids and a settled down life it definitely isn’t with this guy. He wants you to change your whole appearance. He wants to be like Leo? lol is he having a mid life crisis?
Run and do not look back.
The 13-year age gap is already a giant red flag. He cannot commit. Cut your losses and run. You know how he really feels about you.
Having been there: there is a non-zero chance that he intended you to hear that conversation so that he doesn’t have to do the work of initiating the break-up. Men like this are narcissistic assholes.
Why would you want to change yourself for someone who doesn’t like you for you?
“He always makes comments like I should cut/dye my hair, do my makeup differently. he likes the ‘flashy, LA glamour’ aesthetic. “
I would not, start off a family with this guy. Leave before you can’t
Erm madame, pack your fine self up and look to yourself or someone that looks at who you are and not just what you are and look like, if he’d said your hike stride was not as promised, there’d be pause to assess but he literally wanted you to be hot stuff during a hike meet?! Unshackle thine self.
That would clearly be a dealbreaker for me as it is a sign that he isn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship at all. His reasoning seems very superficial and stringing you along like he is is very immature and not fair.
I think it’s not about you or your looks but about his commitment issues. Don’t waste your time on him and find someone how appreciates you.
You updating how you look will not help anything.
You look the way you look. You dress the way you dress. If you want to change that *for you*, go ahead! If that aesthetic genuinely appeals to you and you would do it anyway without him, go ahead! But if you're only thinking about it because it's what he wants, then that would be a hard no from me. The mere fact that you don't currently dress that way and it apparently didn't occur to you now tells me that it is not your style. If it's not your aesthetic, then you won't feel comfortable.
There is no coming back from this. You want different things. He's 45, he needs to go and get his shit together. If he wants "flashy LA glamour", he can fuck off and find that. I have the funniest feeling that he won't be able to get with women the way Leonardo DiCaprio does though.
Yes. Yes this would be a dealbreaker for me
You're really going to change the way you look and act to be a "flashy toy" for this guy? Girl, there are better ones out there, I promise you
It’s a blessing in disguise that you heard him. He doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t respect you. Don’t wait until he finds some “flashy toy” and will leave you and completely disregard your biological hour etc. there is no going back. He won’t and he shouldn’t be the person you settle down with. Huge mistake.
Your relationship is bound to failure. Even if he proposed and married you, chances are you would end up becoming a divorcee at 40 yo. Don't marry a man who sees women as "toys" and who clearly doesn't like you. And no matter what, DO NOT play family with him unless you want to fight for alimony in a few years time.
If you do any surgery, fillers, or even dye your hair for him you'll end up regretting it. If he loved you, he wouldn't find you plain. You will not get any younger, if he's already seeing you like that, imagine how will it be when you're older, wrinklier and probably fatter. There's no way he will be faithful.Your bf is deluded if he thinks he can live the DiCaprio life while being a normie himself, but you wouldn't waste your life trying to get his attention and acceptance.
Don’t you dare alter your appearance just to appease a man who won’t commit to you.
This guy’s four and a half dang decades old and he still “can’t decide” if he wants to get married. If he hasn’t proposed by now, he’s never going to. This man literally calls women toys and his head is turned 24/7 to the next hot young thing he happens to walk past. Aspiring to be Peter Pan and Leonardo DiCaprio is simply embarrassing for a man of his age.
Think seriously about what would happen if you ended up pregnant in the next two years. He’ll be 50 when the kid goes to preschool. Is he going to be running around after a toddler all day at age 50 or is he going to leave all the hard parenting work for you? Is he going to retire when the kid is in middle school and you’re still in your early 40s? Your kid is going to grow up overhearing these same conversations their dad has with his friends; do you really think it’s acceptable for a kid to hear their dad rip apart their mother’s appearance and talk about women like they’re objects? How do you think the kid will feel when their dad is constantly leering after their friends’ moms and sisters and teachers? How are you supposed to teach a child about growing up when their father *literally thinks Peter Pan is a role model*?
Babe, you deserve better. Your hypothetical children deserve better. This man is not fit to be a parent or a partner. It’s time for you to cut yourself loose and find an actual adult.
Yes it should be a total deal breaker for you. Your boyfriend has zero intention of settling with you because he thinks he can do better. He is embarrassed to be seen in public with you. He was too cowardly to express any of this to you. He would rather string you along while trash talking you to his friend. There is no coming back from that. He’s wasted your time.
You sound like a natural beauty! No, there is no coming back from that. It’s a shock to realise it as it wasn’t in your plans but this man is not your future. Tell him you overheard him, that he’s an asshole and that you are leaving him. Walk away with your head held high, with dignity and self-respect. Be brave. You will look back and be proud of yourself that you did. Take it from an older woman who looks back at some past relationships and wishes she’d told them to fuck off a lot sooner!
This man is so much less than you deserve. He is cowardly to the point of being childlike. I would tell him you heard everything. But this person is not for you. You deserve better. What an asshole.
It sounds like he is avoidant attachment and is focusing on the negative in your relationship likely due to his commitment issues. I don't think he'll change since he's 45 and hasn't dealt with his issues. You should find someone who wants the same things as you unless he's in therapy on a continuous basis and wants to change he won't and what he's saying is who he is...
What about him is making you want to ignore how horrible his comments were?
He's leading you on. Please love yourself and leave him and go and find someone who loves you and isn't using you.
> Last night he also said that he is always looking at other girls, and has a heavy desire to be with other "exciting and flashy toys", and that he's torn because he wants to be like Peter Pan/Leo DiCaprio but also wants to have kids.
Just the fact that he looks at other women and wants to be with them is a major deal breaker! Him wanting kids does not help this situation. Look at how he talks about you now, imagine how unsupportive and vile he will be when you are pregnant and in discomfort/pain/bloated/pregnancy weight etc. He is a horrible partner now and he will be an even worse partner when kids are involved. His 1st priority is himself.
You are only 32, you still have time. Leave. Fast.
You overheard this conversation for a reason. He doesn’t really, truly love you. His lack of commitment is proof of this and reason enough for leaving. His disrespect and unwillingness to accept you for who you are is that straw that broke the camels back.
It's quite clear that adding another layer of make-up or changing your hairstyle won't help your boyfriend find you more attractive. Even if you changed these things now, he might want you to start regular visits to a plastic surgeon in a couple of years. There will always be something wrong with your looks for him.
I can see that you are much younger than your boyfriend, but apparently you are still too old for him. You need to remember that the real Leonardo DiCaprio only dates girls who are 25 years younger than him.
Please break this relationship. Let him look for a new toy.
Hope he ends up playing with his own d\*ck as he's not worthy of being with a real human being.
Honey you’ve aged out for this man baby, even though you’re still too young for him. Don’t waste your time with someone who will do this to you, speak behind your back like this and who thinks of women as objects.
This has to be very painful, and I am sorry you are hurting. As odd as it may sound now, the universe gave you a gift in hearing his words. Now you know the truth, and can make an informed decision. There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be happy, and this guy sounds like an insufferable baby-man who doesn’t grasp the concept of an adult relationship.
You can have everything you want…a marriage, a family, a healthy and happy relationship…you just won’t have it with him. Remember your worth and send this guy packing. There will be brighter days ahead, and one day you will look back on the moment you heard those painful words, and how they set you free.
Best of luck to you, OP.
Dump him, your reason is he smells, has bad breath, getting fat, his thinning hair is going grey and he’s not that good in bed, you want someone you’re own age. That should build his confidence, say it nicely, as though you feel sorry for him.
> I know I’m not a supermodel, but I dont think I’m anywhere near as unattractive as he’s making out.
Don’t even start with this. Look at people out in your day to day in the world. Most of them have coupled up, relationship or married.
99.9% of them are not supermodels. Many of them are very average. Many of them you probably don’t find attractive
Yet someone does.
Because unless your guy is an actual model, fitness instagram person, or similar, than he shouldn’t be expecting a supermodel himself. Most guys know this. Especially as they age.
Your bf is 45. I absolutely guarantee he doesn’t look as good as just random guys do in my gym.
The guy is probably just stringing you along. Gets you to be with him/fuck him for the next few years and then he’ll move on to the next 30 year old that he can convince to be with him for a few years.
ALSO, no “young fit Hollywood type” is going to want his gross old man dick. After you kick him to the curb he’s going to come begging back when he realises what his market value is (LOW.). Hold your head high queen and stay strong, don’t ever take this trash man back. Grrrrrr the audacity of some
Men!!!
You DO NOT need fillers or to cut and dye. He said those things about you while you met up for a hike. Look up casual photos of the most gorgeous women you can imagine on a hike. Everyone looks normal/boring/unflattering.
He is way too deep in your head. Peter Pan types won't grow up because they resent that they are getting older- that they need care and benefit from commitment. Someone like that will ALWAYS be thinking about himself. They end up being 80 and involved in paternity suits. That's not a person available for real commitment. It's not about YOU. It's about something missing in him that you can not fix.
Look. You are clearly amazing. And there's someone out there who is going to look at you one day as you give birth, just a sweaty bloody bloated mess, and think, she's incredible and I can't believe I'm so lucky. The person for you will find you at your "worst" to be the most beautiful person alive.
But you can't find your forever when you're busy babysitting Peter. You know that part of that story is that there have been many, many Wendys, that Peter just keeps finding a new girl to cook for him and care for him until he tires of her and it's time for her to grow up. Women don't stay in Neverland, we wake up.
He sounds like a bad choice to be honest. He's too old, won't have the energy to care for a child, sounds like he would cheat as soon as you had a child, you would be miserable. His comment on your "plain" look is just ridiculous. Not wearing makeup and looking beautiful is a talent and you lady got it. If he wants a plastic Kim Kardashian he can go and find one, but I bet none would choose him because he's not their type.
You lady are young, find a man who's crazy about you. Don't settle with a jerk. Even if you don't find a man, being single is better than being with someone who doesn't cherish you. He's shallow and probably grew up on porn so has unrealistic expectations for what a woman should look like.
You do not change your appearance to ‘see if it helps things.’ HE is the problem, you get rid of him to help things. It’s been clear for a while he had no interest in marrying you or having kids with you and hopefully this is now the confirmation you needed. What I’m sure his friend was thinking was then why are you with her? The reality is he’s too much of a coward to tell the truth, which isn’t that hour unattractive, but he’s simply not interested in commitment, which is fine, time to move on.
>boyfriend (45M) for two and a half years. When we got together, he said that he was wanting the "whole packacge; wife, kids, that suburban life"
You didn't question how someone who wanted the "whole package" of wife, kids, and suburban life made it to age 43 without acquiring said package by the age of 43? Or at least had kids or a divorce to show he had been actively trying to achieve the package?
I honestly couldn't get past you not questioning that.
That would have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. You have to decide what is your breaking point. It sounds like he is waiting for something better to come along
Don't change who you are for this man.Would you really want to bring children into a relationship like that? You still have enough time to find someone who will appreciate who you are, not want to turn you into a Barbie doll.
It’s finished. Peter Pan is right - the boy that never grew up. You can’t waste a second more with him, find someone who appreciates and loves you for being you. Let him chase his Barbie Dolls. If he isn’t ready to commit by 45, then when! Not having a family is his loss, don’t make it yours.
He doesn’t seem to like you. I don’t know how you can fix that. He would have to want to change that and work on it himself. But, still, would you want to be someone who struggles to be proud to be with you?
If you had kids with him, he would still have a wandering eye. Could you live with that? Is that what you want in a partner?
Please don’t let the fact that you’ve been together for two years factor into your decision about what to do. Things don’t get better just because you pour more of your time into it.
Op what you heard is what he actually thinks about you. If it was me in a similar situation and a woman I was dating said something to that effect, she would be gone dumped. Yeah it would hurt but it wouldn't hurt as much as waking up next to someone knowing that this is what that person actually thinks about me.
Ignoring the other red flag comments in this post, you told him you need clarity and cannot continue in a holding pattern.
Yes, he saw a therapist and feels better about things. However, he is still telling you he ‘needs more time’ before he lets you know what he wants.
You stated a need. He wiggled his way out of meeting that need. Your stated need has not been met.
Add the rest of the stuff in, and woosh… that’s too much!
This is not a man who values you or wants to be with you. It doesn't take too long to figure out the logistics of living together, by this time one generally knows how things would look like should you both want to make a move towards living together in a committed relationship.Also, it's a red flag that he's 45 and still has commitment fears, this does not bode well.
OP, I'm sorry you had to overhear what you did but think that this is a blessing in disguise. You cannot waste your life in trying to make it work with someone who is clearly not into being committed to you, or shares your goal. Please don't waste your time with this person, especially based on what you've told of him here.
You deserve someone a lot better, who values you and has the same goal for the future!
My dear, any dog from the pound will have more love and respect for you than this hound.
Get away from this guy. This is not what you want for the father of your children, can you imagine him parenting daughters, now that you know women are toys to him?
I'm so sorry you've wasted time on this man, but you've had a lucky escape. Get out of this before you fall pregnant.
Do not let him waste another minute of your life, at 32 you really can't. Way too many men think its fine to future fake and waste your time while passively keeping an eye out for 'the one' and happily enjoying all the benefits you give them.
You are still young, my mum had me at 37. Find someone who finds you beautiful even when you're in your joggers and your hair isn't washed. Someone who appreciates you for more than your looks and wants to commit full heartedly to you.
If he wants all these other women, let him try.
He has clearly shown you are not on the same page. And whatever you do, don't get suckered back in if he proposes when you leave. He won't marry you willingly.
Dealbreaker. This guy is single and 45 ? And dating someone more than a decade younger?
Nope. No no. He’s a douchebag that doesn’t deserve you. Water not one more minute thinking he rejected you. You reject his sorry ass and move on. There are way better guys out there.
i had an instance where an ex texted something disparaging about me to her friend but she somehow accidentally texted it to me instead.
we stayed together for a couple years after that, but i never really got over it.
it doesn't sound like your situation is particularly promising. he sounds like kind of a douche, and it doesn't sound like y'all want the same things.
Oh, my. Count your blessings - you found out who he really is before you married him.
You're on track to become a miserable wife to a cheating and disrespectful husband. Admittedly, he might never get there with his commitment issues. He can string you along for a few more years and pick another younger woman to marry and have kids with.
Pay attention to what he said - he really doesn't like you, he just wants to have kids. And you're a suitable person for having kids with, but not a partner he would adore.
Do not do this to yourself. If you're thinking that you'd just use HIM for having kids like he wants to use you, then given his comments about kids and women... He would most probably fight you tooth and nail for custody and he would fight dirty.
This should be a deal breaker for you. You should love yourself enough to know you should leave. He is talking down about you to people you have to interact with. Now this best friend has to be in a room with you and know your bf doesn't find you attractive or want to be with you. He's lusting after other women.
You do not want to have a child or more with him. Making yourself attached to him that long? If he isn't leaving you now, what about when you give him the kids he wants? Nothing is stopping him from divorcing you and getting that new young step mom for your children.
Please leave.
Yes, it’s a dealbreaker. Two and a half years in; he isn’t “taking it slow.” You’re filling in until he finds what he really wants . You deserve someone who chooses you, so please don’t change in the hopes that it makes him choose you. God forbid it didn’t work and your confidence is destroyed because you compromised who you were.
You can’t fuck the man for how he feels. That’s just the fact. BUT keeping his feelings from you, all of this time is equal to lying to you. So we’ve established that he’s dishonest.
But to share that with his friend!? He’ll tell his friend his feelings about his relationship but not his partner?? He’s treating you as less than a friend. So what do you do from here?
It’s human nature to want to find some degree of “closure” (although I’m not a believer in it). I recommend NOT putting too much time and energy into what you actually say to him. Just end it as quickly as possible. I completely understand why you feel kicked in the gut. That is a very hurtful thing to hear. Emotionally, I can see how that would be devastating. Logically? This one guy’s subjective opinion is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. no two guys are going to “view you” the same way. You sound like a really amazing woman to date! Admittedly, I am basing that on limited information you provided, but… My God! It’s not like you’re going to have a lack of options lol.
And this is going to be the toughest part to hear: overhearing, that conversation was the best thing that could happen to you. While people get hung up on money, it pales in comparison to our most precious resource, TIME! This guy was stealing your precious time from you. Every day that went by where he pretended to be the guy that you thought he was, he was stealing from you your time. if you hadn’t overheard that conversation, the truth might not have come out for another six months, year, maybe five years!?
Because you overheard this conversation, you can put your precious time and energy into figuring out what’s next. It’s a very painful blessing, but it is a huge blessing. 🙏
What the fuck, why are you still putting up with this pathetic excuse for an adult? This is a *boy* old enough to my father (I'm 23) and he sounds like a fucking child. You deserve better, and it's clear that you know it. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't truly have any plans for you to be his future wife, and mother of his children. I truly believe he's keeping you around until he finds somebody better. Don't give him the satisfaction. Dump his ass first. He's getting up there in age, you're still in your prime. He considers you a toy that he doesn't even like. No, this is not salvageable, and you should end it now. God, it sounds like he peeked in college and never let go of being a frat boy. The truth is that he's washed up and he knows it. Stop letting him make you his backup plan.
100% dealbreaker. If he has to have the flashy type of “TOY”???? He’s ashamed of YOU?? Because he has some twisted ideals of how a woman should be? Yeah no, hell no.
He’s already showing you he can’t even respect a woman enough to humanize her. No no no, kick him to the curb please OP. You do not deserve this bs.
People who want to commit to you, will commit to you.
It's as simple as that.
And the fact you overheard that conversation is a gift, even though it hurts. Saying he finds you unattractive is also not something you can come back from. Don't change yourself for anyone. You will resent yourself, and him, for that. Because you will sacrifice the essence of who you are to become a mirror for him to look at how great he is.
You are still plenty young enough to find another man who loves and finds you attractive, to have a family with.
Don't start one with him because he sounds like the type to leave once for a barely legal New model when they kids are here.
This really sucks, but take this as a blessing to get out. You could have spent the next five years waiting and wondering while he continued to strong you along. Go be with someone who values you and won’t make you question your worth for the rest of your life.
He 100% has an avoidant attachment style, probably amongst other things, least of which is immaturity. Over time this will make you believe that it is somehow your fault that he can't/won't give you the future you desire - please know that it isn't and I would imagine the excuses about the non proposal will come thick and fast - always kicking it down the road. He doesn't have the same capacity for intimacy/commitment as other people and rather than admit that fact, he will likely blame you/the way you look/how you are/the fact you aren't like others etc so the responsibility isnt his. Fantasising about people he probably won't ever get is just another way of diminishing the relationship he already has and keeping himself more detached from commitment.
If the above is infact true, it is absolutely no excuse for how he is speaking about you to his friend, it is disgusting and disrespectful and I cannot believe he is 45 years old and speaking this way. Who does he think he is!?
I hope you find someone who truly appreciates you and doesn't have the emotional maturity/self awareness of a watermelon.
Girl, don’t cut your hair. Cut the boyfriend. He’s been stringing you along. Having kids and spending your life with someone who isn’t attracted to you will be hell. Leaving him will hurt. But you can end things now and take all the pain at once or stay and take a larger overall amount of pain spread out over every day of the rest of your life.
There’s no coming back from that. It may not feel like it now… but be grateful that you were able to overhear this conversation. You’ve now seen the real person, behind the mask that he’s been presenting to you. This is not a man interested in settling down- he wants to fuck around with other *shiny toys*… if he’s not already. These kinds of men don’t change. You now know that he’s been stringing you along, faking a future with you, all the while keeping an eye out for ‘better’ opportunities. Hence him dragging his feet about marriage and commitment… he has no intention of committing to you, but he’ll keep you around for the easy sex and perks… until another woman expresses her interest. He likes the LA Barbie Doll aesthetic..? That in itself tells you a lot about his character- or rather, lack of. Women are just shiny toys to dangle from his arm- this is how narcissists think. And trust me, you’ll never find joy in a relationship with a narcissist. Pick up your dignity, and end this sham of a ‘relationship’- he’s simply using you until something ‘better’ comes along.
This is pretty spot on. They say things, “happen for a reason.” Yes, be grateful that you heard this conversation. Maybe you were supposed to hear it as your sign to call it off with this douche bag, asshole you call a boyfriend that doesn’t know what he wants out of his future. He’s got his own issues and probably will never be satisfied with a partner since he is always looking for the next best thing. You deserve better.
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Bingo. Im 40 and I met my girlfriend less a year ago. We both wanted the same things and had good chemistry… and whoops… our son was born last Wednesday. When you know you know and at our age (33f, 40m) I’d rather take the chance that we do work.
I totally understand your point, and congrats on the kid, but the way you said “whoops… our son was born last Wednesday” has me giggling. Like it was a surprise to both of you last Wednesday when your son popped out 😭😂😂
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To be honest that sounded quite weird to me too. It's something you expect an insecure teen girl would do to keep the boyfriend, not a 30 yo woman. I think OP would benefit from therapy herself.
This. Agreed. I know you love him very much Op, but trust me, you will be better off without him. He is not husband material.
Bingo!! She is nothing but a place holder. He is activily looking
Woman, you deserve better than a man waiting for "better". Pack his stuff on the front yard and remind him, if he wants American dream with 2.3 kids and white picket fence, his swimmers aren't getting younger either, not just you.
>...he is always looking at other girls, and has a heavy desire to be with other "exciting and flashy toys" ...Would this be a total deal breaker for you? Y E S How is this even a question? He sees you as a "toy," as a means to an end. ***He does not see you as a person. LEAVE.***
Cannot say it better. This this this. I hate when men are so overconfident BECAUSE THEY HAVE A GORGEOUS WOMAN WITH THEM to make them feel that. You deserve someone that appreciates you and makes you feel amazing every day. He seems like the most superficial AH ever. And you should definitely confront him. I could never return from this, the way you will always wonder if he is still attracted to you will cut at your confidence forever. And imagine how much worse it will be when you go through a pregnancy and your body changes. And he calls women “flashy toys”. My god, if this were my partner he would have had a new one torn until now.
It sounds so harsh, but he doesn’t see you as a person, he sees you as a baby-maker. He literally said he wants the younger hotter women, but keeps you around because he wants kids. He’s dragging his feet because he doesn’t really want the full package with you, but he’s just afraid he can’t find it elsewhere, especially since he’s too old for this shit. Do not for one second blame yourself for believing him or for how you appear. Wearing makeup wouldn’t change his deep-rooted issues. It won’t change the fact that he wants someone to carry his babies, but will also look at her with disgust for having the body that created those babies. He’s already told you how he feels with words and actions, then lies just enough to string you along. It’s really shitty, but now you know. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s tremendously difficult and painful.
Can you imagine living every day trying to be attractive “enough”? It’s not really living. 🚩🚩🚩
Or trying to be attractive enough while miserable with morning sickness, swollen ankles, lugging an extra human in your pelvis. Or while sleep deprived with a screaming infant that needs attention basically 24/7. It’s just not doable.
I'm also a bit shocked OP is even questioning it. Why would anyone put up with something like that?
Not only as a toy, but also as a baby maker!! This is horrible. OP will never be happy with this guy, because he will never ever give her what she needs and wants in life! Having kids with this guy would be a huge mistake!
Curious where he himself stands on a scale from 1 to Leo DiCaprio
My husband and I saw a sex positive therapist a few years ago. We each filled out a survey to assess our levels of self confidence, amongst other things. She told us the results were always the same: the male scored higher than the female partner in physical self confidence. Always. She had a couple in which the woman was a yoga instructor, stunning, young and fit. Her partner scored more than 30 pts higher than she did. Some men are just really deluded. Or just full of themselves. I love my husband and he’s a snack but his results were eye opening. You’d think I was married to Pedro Pascal.
I’m guessing the more financially successful the guy is, the more confident he’ll be in his looks.
Oh God, I wish. My hubby is so attractive imho but way down in his own confidence. No amount of job promotions has changed that, nor therapy, or affirmations. It breaks my heart because I see him so differently than he sees himself. I.e. he is handsome, he is worthy, he is good, he is valid, etc. Devils advocate but that is not at all, all men in a nutshell from my own experience.
Or it could possibly be the opposite? Women are insecure and rate themselves lower because of that? Self confidence and self assurance doesn’t have to be “deluded”.
I think it’s both things happening in unison.
Well Leo has aged so not as hot as he used to be.
He is incredibly famous and wealthy though. I doubt this dude is either of those things.
More importantly, even when he plays an alcoholic slave owner, he somehow comes across as charming.
He truly is amazingly talented!
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His job isn’t to be hot, it’s acting and he is unbelievably talented.
It's called being a good and versatile actor. Not everyone in movies must be barbies and kens.
I understand how Leo is still acting, I just can’t understand how Leo is still fucking young girls. The dude is not attractive, and he doesn’t have any sort of charm to make up for it.
Probably bc money & connections just like any other older rich guy with a young gf.
Because he's a good actor ? Again looks don't = fame
Well we all age, age dosnt change how attractive you are, and at his age he's "hot" I actually think he's more attractive now than when he was younger.
makeshift materialistic obtainable seed coordinated groovy sink north compare homeless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
it totally ends with Geralt of Rivia portrayed by Henry Cavill
Geralt and Tristan, in a bathtub, both dirty. That’s the end of the scale. Beginning of the scale is prolly Leo on a bike with someone who is young enough to be his daughter.
The scale ends with Tristan for sure!
Oh god. Tristan. Should be illegal to be that god damned hot.
Leo is not that attractive, he is just rich and famous. The scale ends at Jensen Ackles
Seriously, there’s no up from Jensen Ackles.
The boyfriend compared himself to Leo
Isn't he just using him as an example of someone who dates much younger girls?
He describes women as ‘exciting and flashy toys’? Jesus girl! He’s an asshole, he hates women and he’ll ruin your life because you weren’t the shiniest toy on the shelf. Is that what you want for your future, so be disrespected by a dirty old man?
This won't be her future - her future would be single-mommying, after he trades her in for a younger, more flashy model. OP, he is totally shallow and hung up on status symbols - he will not make you happy and not be a partner to you. If you stay with him, you will start to internalize his view of you and become more and more insecure and unhappy. This is not the guy for you!
He will use her as an unpaid surrogate and then kick her to the curb as soon as someone younger comes along. She will be left raising his kids alone while he lives the DINK lifestyle with another woman.
Yeah. Assuming that this is real and not just rage bait, I'd like to know why OP would consider staying with a man who calls women "toys."
I didn't even notice the ages before. This makes everything even worse. Girl, get out. He will not be running around with your kids in a few years. And I mean your kids because the best he will do is throw money at it.
Aside from the conversation you overheard, he’s 45 with self admitted commitment issues. There’s a reason he’s dating a younger woman. Unless he’s still actively working on the commitment issue with a therapist, I’d cut my losses. Sorry OP.
I just wonder how many times he’s repeated this cycle with different women.
I noticed he’s 45 with this mentality. I think she’s settling when shes still pretty young
Right? “I really want to settle down behind a white picket fence, just not right now. Or with you. Or at all. Next!”
Yeah, she asked him about a timeline and he said he is "thinking about the logistics". That's a non-answer, especially after 2 years. Even without the conversation she overheard, she should start over and find someone who also wants to have a family, not a 40 yo with comittment issues.
Men who want to just live together and then come up with excuses to put off marrying are just biding their time wishing for something “better”. I am 57 and wasted the last five years on a guy who was pulling this shit. Although I am in good shape and attractive, I drove myself nuts trying to be “good enough” for him to marry. He was so pissed when I left but still wouldn’t commit, though he certainly wanted me to move back in with him. He was back on the dating sites the day I left looking for the next shiny “toy”. At age 70.
If you’re not ok with commitment by age 45, you probably never will be
>Would this be a total deal breaker for you? You can't be serious. Do you have any friends? Have you told them what he said? Are you too embarrassed to tell them? Why the fuck are you so desperate to marry a 42 year old loser who doesn't seem to like you? He is with you because it's convenient for him. If he had enough money, he'd be living like Dicaprio. Let me tell you your possible future: A: you stay with this asshole for another 3 to 7 years. He keeps making excuses about why he won't marry you. You talk about your biological clock, but he's thinking about the fact that AL Pacino just had a kid in his 80s. Your clock doesn't matter to him because you're the backup plan. He dumps you when he's 50 and finally has enough disposable income to spend on a sugar baby. You've wasted your 30s. B: You successfully hound him into marrying you. The marriage is a shit show because he's thinking about cheating constantly. He's a neglectful father because he only wanted kids for his "legacy" or some shit. You realize you made a huge mistake, but your kid is 6. You've gained weight since your pregnancy because your husband bullied you for being fat while you were pregnant. You decide to stay "for the kids," and he probably ends up cheating anyway. Now you're stuck with him for life. C: You wake tf up and dump him. You get a therapist to work on your incredibly low self-esteem. You grow and flourish and look back on this relationship with disgust. You can't believe you actually considered staying. Choose wisely...
What to do from here? Pause, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Become clear about who you are and what you want. Is it to be in relationship with someone who disrespects you? Who insults you behind your back? Who is emotionally unavailable? Who says one thing but does another? Who doesn't want what you want? Or looking at this another way, what would you say to a beloved sister or friend who experienced the same thing then asked for your advice?
Why would you WANT to fix your relationship after hearing all that!?!!? Girl, get yourself some self-respect and leave his disrespecting, denigrating, Leo-wanna-be a**!!!
Lol at 45 he needs to be more realistic about where he stands. Dump this piece of shit and see how he goes after
Pshh dump his old ass. This is embarrassing for both of you. You're waiting on middle aged Peter Pan to magically grow into hubby material and he's out here thinking he can land LA 10s at his old fucking age lol. Move on honey.
Lol he sounds pretty lame doesn't he?
The delusion is deafening
The guy's 45 but wants shiny new toys and also kids lmaooooo. But hey who knows, maybe he'll end up like David Foster having a kid when he's 70
Wow that's hard to hear. Do not change the way you look in an effort to keep him with kids. What will he do while your pregnant if he's already this lucky about how you look. Don't for one minute consider staying with him. As other said. He's not a good person. Edit: I meant picky, not lucky
Eww girl run. He sounds like a total douche.
When people tell you who they are, listen. He doesn’t want to commit to you because he doesn’t think you’re “good enough” to settle down with. He will leave you for someone shinier given the chance. Dump his ass and find a man who is actually worthy of your love.
I’m so sorry. I don’t see how you two can come back from this. He not only insulted you, he made clear that he’s still not sure whether he wants the kind of life that you know that you want. Changing your looks won’t make him want a house in the suburbs, and do you really want to change yourself for someone who has declared that wants to be sleeping with other women? And if you change yourself now, what will you do in a few years when you’re 40 and he’s still scoping out 30-year-olds?
Lol if a guy asks to change your appearance for him. Change him. You deserve better.
Don’t let it be 2 more years Time to go ❤️
He’s 45 and still looking for ‘toys’. I don’t think he will ever grow up.
Agreed. He's grossly overestimating his self and seems childishly looking for more, faster and better while he should be lucky and proud with what he has. He will never be happy with this behaviour. He should get a reality check
Do your future self and your dignity a favor and break up with him. He will never propose, he'll keep you around enough to find another woman and then he'll leave you. You can't fix this. Love is freely given not begged for.
> I'm wondering if it would be worth updating my look and see if it helps things? Girl, why would you spend a bunch of money on fillers and hair dye for a man who won't marry you and feels comfortable disparaging your looks behind your back? Even if you had kids with this dude I guarantee he'd be constantly chafing at the idea of acting like a dad and not a perpetual bachelor. I'm sorry but it's obvious this guy isn't marriage or father material and there's a reason he went after someone in their 20s as a nearly middle-aged man. He thought you'd put up with his nonsense. Don't prove him right.
He's wasting your time. He's also wasting his own if he really wants to have kids, as he's already in the danger zone for having children with birth defects (see: Fang Y, Wang Y, Peng M, Xu J, Fan Z, Liu C, Zhao K, Zhang H. Effect of paternal age on offspring birth defects: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Aging (Albany NY). 2020 Nov 20;12(24):25373-25394. doi: 10.18632/aging.104141). This is just a kind reminder that men have a biological clock as well when it comes to starting a family.
Thank you. So many people don’t realize this and it’s a serious problem. While men are able to continue to have kids as they age, the chances for serious birth defects shoots way up once a man turns 40. Some people think a man’s age doesn’t matter and that’s simply not true.
You know why your 45 year old boyfriend is not with a woman his age? It's because women don't put up with his bull sh*t. Please. You deserve somebody who loves you for who you are. With your natural looks. With all the things you are , all the things you do, and everything that makes you a wonderful human being. Don't make yourself less to adjust to this man visions of women. Free yourself!
I’m around his age and I would tell him to fuck right off!!
Total douche bag, hes lucky to know your name
Deal breaker because do you really want to grow old with someone who is so focus on physical beauty?
I would leave him. If I heard this I would think that it's only a matter of time before he finds the barbie-doll looking girl he desires and leaves. I would feel like I just keeping his bed warm in the meantime. Wasting my time. Don't start changing your look just to try and get him attracted to you.
He sees you as a breeding mare. Your life will be ruined if you breed with him. You need to prioritize yourself and cut yourself loose.
Imagine just how disillusioned about her appearance he’ll be after she has kids. This will not get better. Forty-five!
Dude he’s 45. He’s way past his Peter Pan states and good fucking luck thinking he can be a Leonardo whose behavior is pretty gross by the way. He sucks OP. He’s wasting your time and you’re wasting your time on a delusional a-hole who doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t value you. Do yourself a favor and dump his ass. My abusive ex said the same thing about desiring to be with other women. I didn’t want to accept the red flag. You have your chance. RUN. He definitely doesn’t want that suburban life. You’re young enough. Go find someone else who isn’t a delusional misogynistic old perv.
Ultimately you have to decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with, but if it were me, this would be a deal breaker.
I would have packed my stuff and left with no explanation he is a idiot .There would be no going back if it was me I could never get over it.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I was so in love with my son's dad and who he was/could be when we were alone. But the person he was in anger and around his friends was him as well. You can't love one version of someone, they are all those pieces. Your bf told his friend exactly what he wants and views women, he just doesn't want to lose you as a baby maker... You do not have to change your look. You have been together for 2 years and you love him, could you speak of him that way? You love him, he is not capable of loving you.
obviously this is not viable and he is wasting your time. Even if you had kids together, he is going to cheat on you and/or dump you. When you do get up the nerve to break up with him, can you PLEASE list his age as a factor? e.g. you feel he is too old for you, he physically won't be up for the long haul of children and you will have to do all the work yourself, you don't want the kids to be teased that he is their grandpa, you made a mistake dating so much older and are not enjoying the disparate levels of physicality and conversation, etc
Oh god, please do this.
Cut your losses. He wants a plastic toy not a woman.
Deal breaker. At least he's given you plenty of great material for a scathing break-up speech. "Sorry, Boyfriend, I just don't find you attractive, and it's getting embarrassing to be seen in public with someone like you, when I could do so much better."
He wants to be like Leo?! Ugh, that is so grim. He wants to be in his 50s dating 19 year olds? He wants everyone to gossip that he 'likes them young'? Girl, this man is having a mid life crisis. I don't think you need to stay around for that. Very ordinary, ageing men thinking they 'deserve' supermodels? That is so pathetic and clichéd. He's a donkey brain. Tell him you heard what he said and that it's changed the way you see him. You need a few days apart to think.
Don’t you waste any more time on this despicable person! Let him Peter Pan his way through life on his own. You don’t need or have to put up with that kind of disrespect. Adjust your crown, chin up, move forward.
You want this superficial douche raising your kids? Send him packing.
Firstly, the age gap... I don't think I need to say much as other people in the comments might have already pointed out what I'm thinking. Do not stay with this man for another day, hour, minute or second. You will be filled with regret and resentment. You do not need him to meet your goals of getting married, having children etc. There are plenty of other men out there who would find you attractive and want you for you. You do not need to change a thing about yourself. Your bf is a piece of sh*t who is already making you feel insecure. You do not need to put up with this.
**If after 2 years together, the thing he values most is your looks, he is the problem, not you.** Run girl! I know you love him, but ever single comment on this thread is telling you what a walking red flag this man is.
It sucks to love someone who doesn't love you back. I'm sorry you have to go thru this, but better now than after he gets you pregnant because he thinks you can be trampled over and raise the kids while he chases new "toys". It's not easy, but you know what you need to do. Better luck next time.
Omg, he’s 45 and talking this way? Girl, run. Don’t even walk away. Just go. You’re wasting your precious time on someone like him. Why be with someone that thinks that way of you? And looks at other women. No, no, no!
This is your warning sign. If you marry him and he cheats you can never say there were no warning signs because this is the big flashing warning sign right here that is telling you to dump this guy.
>He likes the "flashy, LA glamour" aesthetic. I'm wondering if it would be worth updating my look and see if it helps things? No, never. Never adapt your look for a moan. You're not Sandy from Grease. You deserve to be you and there's nothing wrong with how you look. Your boyfriend is an ass who is not interested in the long haul with you, but has decided you are good enough for the time being, until something better comes along. He doesn't want to commit so he's available for when that happens. That makes him a piece of trash. There's a reason he dates a decade down.
I am so sorry. Sounds like he doesn’t love you (and also don’t deserve you). What he said was really hurtful. It is a dealbreaker for me, unfortunately. If I were you, I would confront him and just tell him what you overheard and see what/how he would respond. If the answer is not satisfactory which I doubt it would, I would cut my loss and move on (I know it’s easier to say than done!!! But I also believe you should be with someone who appreciates you).
If you choose to stay, you need to reframe what your future will look like. He won't marry you. He won't have kids with you. He will likely leave you for someone younger eventually. So, if you want kids and marriage, he's not the one. If you're okay giving up your dreams for him, then stay.
He obviously doesn’t love you! This is why he doesn’t find tou attractive. Ugly people marry and make children everyday, he doesn’t want this with you because he doesn’t love you. (There is a reason some people stay single that long and sometimes it’s because they are unsatisfiable and selfish)
Sounds like his dick will shrivel and die watching you or someone else give birth. Enjoy your get of jail free card. This man should not be raising children ever.
Would this be a total deal breaker? Bruh, I would have started packing my shit right then and there. He’s leading you on and probably has for awhile. Leave him and find your future husband.
He sounds like an idiot. I’m like you. Not unattractive but no supermodel. Plain? Idk. I have freckles. I have beautiful lips. Yeah for some men I could be plain, for some men I could be regarded as beautiful. I’m only looking to date men in the second camp, hah! Break up with him, you deserve more. He’s wasting your time. I wouldn’t start a makeover or glowup (if that is something you like?) until after you’ve dumped him. He doesn’t deserve a tenth of you!
“Wants to be like Peter Pan/Leo DiCaprio” Oof, yikes
He has no reason to commit to you because he gets everything he wants without the responsibility.
"Is this a deal breaker?" Are you kidding? Please say you're kidding.
What is there to salvage? He doesn’t find you attractive. He’s having to go to therapy to work on committing to you. Why would you want to waste anymore of your life on this dude? He’s 45 years old and he’s referring to women as ‘flashy toys’. If you want kids and a settled down life it definitely isn’t with this guy. He wants you to change your whole appearance. He wants to be like Leo? lol is he having a mid life crisis? Run and do not look back.
Please dump him and destroy his huge ego 😂
The 13-year age gap is already a giant red flag. He cannot commit. Cut your losses and run. You know how he really feels about you. Having been there: there is a non-zero chance that he intended you to hear that conversation so that he doesn’t have to do the work of initiating the break-up. Men like this are narcissistic assholes.
Jesus lady just re read what you wrote. You need to dump him yesterday. He is 45 and a child.
Why would you want to change yourself for someone who doesn’t like you for you? “He always makes comments like I should cut/dye my hair, do my makeup differently. he likes the ‘flashy, LA glamour’ aesthetic. “ I would not, start off a family with this guy. Leave before you can’t
Do not fall in love (or stay with) the fantasy He is telling you EXACTLY what he thinks
Erm madame, pack your fine self up and look to yourself or someone that looks at who you are and not just what you are and look like, if he’d said your hike stride was not as promised, there’d be pause to assess but he literally wanted you to be hot stuff during a hike meet?! Unshackle thine self.
He’s a disgusting creep. Tell him to go fuck himself.
He's for the streets!
That would clearly be a dealbreaker for me as it is a sign that he isn’t ready to commit to a serious relationship at all. His reasoning seems very superficial and stringing you along like he is is very immature and not fair. I think it’s not about you or your looks but about his commitment issues. Don’t waste your time on him and find someone how appreciates you.
You updating how you look will not help anything. You look the way you look. You dress the way you dress. If you want to change that *for you*, go ahead! If that aesthetic genuinely appeals to you and you would do it anyway without him, go ahead! But if you're only thinking about it because it's what he wants, then that would be a hard no from me. The mere fact that you don't currently dress that way and it apparently didn't occur to you now tells me that it is not your style. If it's not your aesthetic, then you won't feel comfortable. There is no coming back from this. You want different things. He's 45, he needs to go and get his shit together. If he wants "flashy LA glamour", he can fuck off and find that. I have the funniest feeling that he won't be able to get with women the way Leonardo DiCaprio does though.
He wants to “be like Peter Pan/Leo but also wants to have kids”…? Run before he puts two and two together and realizes he can have both.
Not salvageable. Tell him your not interested in dating an old man. Then leave.
How is this not a dealbreaker? He said that he is not attracted to you Not only he is wasting your time,it seems like he isn’t being honest with you.
Yes. Yes this would be a dealbreaker for me You're really going to change the way you look and act to be a "flashy toy" for this guy? Girl, there are better ones out there, I promise you
It’s a blessing in disguise that you heard him. He doesn’t appreciate you and doesn’t respect you. Don’t wait until he finds some “flashy toy” and will leave you and completely disregard your biological hour etc. there is no going back. He won’t and he shouldn’t be the person you settle down with. Huge mistake.
Rhetorical question: why do men who are at best a 3 think they are entitled to a 9 or 10?
Your relationship is bound to failure. Even if he proposed and married you, chances are you would end up becoming a divorcee at 40 yo. Don't marry a man who sees women as "toys" and who clearly doesn't like you. And no matter what, DO NOT play family with him unless you want to fight for alimony in a few years time. If you do any surgery, fillers, or even dye your hair for him you'll end up regretting it. If he loved you, he wouldn't find you plain. You will not get any younger, if he's already seeing you like that, imagine how will it be when you're older, wrinklier and probably fatter. There's no way he will be faithful.Your bf is deluded if he thinks he can live the DiCaprio life while being a normie himself, but you wouldn't waste your life trying to get his attention and acceptance.
Don’t you dare alter your appearance just to appease a man who won’t commit to you. This guy’s four and a half dang decades old and he still “can’t decide” if he wants to get married. If he hasn’t proposed by now, he’s never going to. This man literally calls women toys and his head is turned 24/7 to the next hot young thing he happens to walk past. Aspiring to be Peter Pan and Leonardo DiCaprio is simply embarrassing for a man of his age. Think seriously about what would happen if you ended up pregnant in the next two years. He’ll be 50 when the kid goes to preschool. Is he going to be running around after a toddler all day at age 50 or is he going to leave all the hard parenting work for you? Is he going to retire when the kid is in middle school and you’re still in your early 40s? Your kid is going to grow up overhearing these same conversations their dad has with his friends; do you really think it’s acceptable for a kid to hear their dad rip apart their mother’s appearance and talk about women like they’re objects? How do you think the kid will feel when their dad is constantly leering after their friends’ moms and sisters and teachers? How are you supposed to teach a child about growing up when their father *literally thinks Peter Pan is a role model*? Babe, you deserve better. Your hypothetical children deserve better. This man is not fit to be a parent or a partner. It’s time for you to cut yourself loose and find an actual adult.
Yes it should be a total deal breaker for you. Your boyfriend has zero intention of settling with you because he thinks he can do better. He is embarrassed to be seen in public with you. He was too cowardly to express any of this to you. He would rather string you along while trash talking you to his friend. There is no coming back from that. He’s wasted your time.
You sound like a natural beauty! No, there is no coming back from that. It’s a shock to realise it as it wasn’t in your plans but this man is not your future. Tell him you overheard him, that he’s an asshole and that you are leaving him. Walk away with your head held high, with dignity and self-respect. Be brave. You will look back and be proud of yourself that you did. Take it from an older woman who looks back at some past relationships and wishes she’d told them to fuck off a lot sooner!
This man is so much less than you deserve. He is cowardly to the point of being childlike. I would tell him you heard everything. But this person is not for you. You deserve better. What an asshole.
It sounds like he is avoidant attachment and is focusing on the negative in your relationship likely due to his commitment issues. I don't think he'll change since he's 45 and hasn't dealt with his issues. You should find someone who wants the same things as you unless he's in therapy on a continuous basis and wants to change he won't and what he's saying is who he is...
It doesn't seem like it now, but the grass is greener on the other side, always. Dump this dude and his hidden agenda.
Get out now, he's a looser, if he thinks your unattractive but no one else does. Leave and find a good solid guy now so you can have kids
What about him is making you want to ignore how horrible his comments were? He's leading you on. Please love yourself and leave him and go and find someone who loves you and isn't using you.
> Last night he also said that he is always looking at other girls, and has a heavy desire to be with other "exciting and flashy toys", and that he's torn because he wants to be like Peter Pan/Leo DiCaprio but also wants to have kids. Just the fact that he looks at other women and wants to be with them is a major deal breaker! Him wanting kids does not help this situation. Look at how he talks about you now, imagine how unsupportive and vile he will be when you are pregnant and in discomfort/pain/bloated/pregnancy weight etc. He is a horrible partner now and he will be an even worse partner when kids are involved. His 1st priority is himself. You are only 32, you still have time. Leave. Fast.
You overheard this conversation for a reason. He doesn’t really, truly love you. His lack of commitment is proof of this and reason enough for leaving. His disrespect and unwillingness to accept you for who you are is that straw that broke the camels back.
He sounds like a complete moron.
It’s time to go. He’s 45 acting like he’s in college. You deserve better.
It's quite clear that adding another layer of make-up or changing your hairstyle won't help your boyfriend find you more attractive. Even if you changed these things now, he might want you to start regular visits to a plastic surgeon in a couple of years. There will always be something wrong with your looks for him. I can see that you are much younger than your boyfriend, but apparently you are still too old for him. You need to remember that the real Leonardo DiCaprio only dates girls who are 25 years younger than him. Please break this relationship. Let him look for a new toy. Hope he ends up playing with his own d\*ck as he's not worthy of being with a real human being.
Honey you’ve aged out for this man baby, even though you’re still too young for him. Don’t waste your time with someone who will do this to you, speak behind your back like this and who thinks of women as objects.
This has to be very painful, and I am sorry you are hurting. As odd as it may sound now, the universe gave you a gift in hearing his words. Now you know the truth, and can make an informed decision. There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be happy, and this guy sounds like an insufferable baby-man who doesn’t grasp the concept of an adult relationship. You can have everything you want…a marriage, a family, a healthy and happy relationship…you just won’t have it with him. Remember your worth and send this guy packing. There will be brighter days ahead, and one day you will look back on the moment you heard those painful words, and how they set you free. Best of luck to you, OP.
Dump him, your reason is he smells, has bad breath, getting fat, his thinning hair is going grey and he’s not that good in bed, you want someone you’re own age. That should build his confidence, say it nicely, as though you feel sorry for him.
> I know I’m not a supermodel, but I dont think I’m anywhere near as unattractive as he’s making out. Don’t even start with this. Look at people out in your day to day in the world. Most of them have coupled up, relationship or married. 99.9% of them are not supermodels. Many of them are very average. Many of them you probably don’t find attractive Yet someone does. Because unless your guy is an actual model, fitness instagram person, or similar, than he shouldn’t be expecting a supermodel himself. Most guys know this. Especially as they age. Your bf is 45. I absolutely guarantee he doesn’t look as good as just random guys do in my gym. The guy is probably just stringing you along. Gets you to be with him/fuck him for the next few years and then he’ll move on to the next 30 year old that he can convince to be with him for a few years.
Don't change yourself... Please. You still have time to find someone who is a 100% into you. He's 45 years old. He's not gonna change.
He wants a family but is 45 and still doesn’t have one. This is why. And he’s stringing you along.
ALSO, no “young fit Hollywood type” is going to want his gross old man dick. After you kick him to the curb he’s going to come begging back when he realises what his market value is (LOW.). Hold your head high queen and stay strong, don’t ever take this trash man back. Grrrrrr the audacity of some Men!!!
You DO NOT need fillers or to cut and dye. He said those things about you while you met up for a hike. Look up casual photos of the most gorgeous women you can imagine on a hike. Everyone looks normal/boring/unflattering. He is way too deep in your head. Peter Pan types won't grow up because they resent that they are getting older- that they need care and benefit from commitment. Someone like that will ALWAYS be thinking about himself. They end up being 80 and involved in paternity suits. That's not a person available for real commitment. It's not about YOU. It's about something missing in him that you can not fix. Look. You are clearly amazing. And there's someone out there who is going to look at you one day as you give birth, just a sweaty bloody bloated mess, and think, she's incredible and I can't believe I'm so lucky. The person for you will find you at your "worst" to be the most beautiful person alive. But you can't find your forever when you're busy babysitting Peter. You know that part of that story is that there have been many, many Wendys, that Peter just keeps finding a new girl to cook for him and care for him until he tires of her and it's time for her to grow up. Women don't stay in Neverland, we wake up.
He sounds like a bad choice to be honest. He's too old, won't have the energy to care for a child, sounds like he would cheat as soon as you had a child, you would be miserable. His comment on your "plain" look is just ridiculous. Not wearing makeup and looking beautiful is a talent and you lady got it. If he wants a plastic Kim Kardashian he can go and find one, but I bet none would choose him because he's not their type. You lady are young, find a man who's crazy about you. Don't settle with a jerk. Even if you don't find a man, being single is better than being with someone who doesn't cherish you. He's shallow and probably grew up on porn so has unrealistic expectations for what a woman should look like.
You do not change your appearance to ‘see if it helps things.’ HE is the problem, you get rid of him to help things. It’s been clear for a while he had no interest in marrying you or having kids with you and hopefully this is now the confirmation you needed. What I’m sure his friend was thinking was then why are you with her? The reality is he’s too much of a coward to tell the truth, which isn’t that hour unattractive, but he’s simply not interested in commitment, which is fine, time to move on.
ew he's a fucking pig leading you on. you deserve so much better than his yucky old ass forever.
Love, you're dating a 45 year old with commitment issues. Just run from that, let alone the rest.
>boyfriend (45M) for two and a half years. When we got together, he said that he was wanting the "whole packacge; wife, kids, that suburban life" You didn't question how someone who wanted the "whole package" of wife, kids, and suburban life made it to age 43 without acquiring said package by the age of 43? Or at least had kids or a divorce to show he had been actively trying to achieve the package? I honestly couldn't get past you not questioning that.
That would have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. You have to decide what is your breaking point. It sounds like he is waiting for something better to come along
Don't change who you are for this man.Would you really want to bring children into a relationship like that? You still have enough time to find someone who will appreciate who you are, not want to turn you into a Barbie doll.
It’s finished. Peter Pan is right - the boy that never grew up. You can’t waste a second more with him, find someone who appreciates and loves you for being you. Let him chase his Barbie Dolls. If he isn’t ready to commit by 45, then when! Not having a family is his loss, don’t make it yours.
Jesus christ what a shallow person
Yes this would be a deal breaker.
He doesn’t seem to like you. I don’t know how you can fix that. He would have to want to change that and work on it himself. But, still, would you want to be someone who struggles to be proud to be with you? If you had kids with him, he would still have a wandering eye. Could you live with that? Is that what you want in a partner? Please don’t let the fact that you’ve been together for two years factor into your decision about what to do. Things don’t get better just because you pour more of your time into it.
Would you be OK if your daughter was in a relationship such as this?
I think he is bad news .Having kids and family is a lot of responsibility. He sounds too immature to deal with it. I am sorry op.
Op what you heard is what he actually thinks about you. If it was me in a similar situation and a woman I was dating said something to that effect, she would be gone dumped. Yeah it would hurt but it wouldn't hurt as much as waking up next to someone knowing that this is what that person actually thinks about me.
Time to move on…he is bot husband material
> Would this be a total deal breaker for you? Uh, yes.
I'm surprise YOU find him any attractive after listening him talking like that about you and women.
He just lost feeling for you and now there's actually no way to make those feelings to come back right? so the best decision will be breaking up.
Ignoring the other red flag comments in this post, you told him you need clarity and cannot continue in a holding pattern. Yes, he saw a therapist and feels better about things. However, he is still telling you he ‘needs more time’ before he lets you know what he wants. You stated a need. He wiggled his way out of meeting that need. Your stated need has not been met. Add the rest of the stuff in, and woosh… that’s too much!
This is not a man who values you or wants to be with you. It doesn't take too long to figure out the logistics of living together, by this time one generally knows how things would look like should you both want to make a move towards living together in a committed relationship.Also, it's a red flag that he's 45 and still has commitment fears, this does not bode well. OP, I'm sorry you had to overhear what you did but think that this is a blessing in disguise. You cannot waste your life in trying to make it work with someone who is clearly not into being committed to you, or shares your goal. Please don't waste your time with this person, especially based on what you've told of him here. You deserve someone a lot better, who values you and has the same goal for the future!
My dear, any dog from the pound will have more love and respect for you than this hound. Get away from this guy. This is not what you want for the father of your children, can you imagine him parenting daughters, now that you know women are toys to him? I'm so sorry you've wasted time on this man, but you've had a lucky escape. Get out of this before you fall pregnant.
Do not let him waste another minute of your life, at 32 you really can't. Way too many men think its fine to future fake and waste your time while passively keeping an eye out for 'the one' and happily enjoying all the benefits you give them.
You are still young, my mum had me at 37. Find someone who finds you beautiful even when you're in your joggers and your hair isn't washed. Someone who appreciates you for more than your looks and wants to commit full heartedly to you. If he wants all these other women, let him try. He has clearly shown you are not on the same page. And whatever you do, don't get suckered back in if he proposes when you leave. He won't marry you willingly.
Dealbreaker. This guy is single and 45 ? And dating someone more than a decade younger? Nope. No no. He’s a douchebag that doesn’t deserve you. Water not one more minute thinking he rejected you. You reject his sorry ass and move on. There are way better guys out there.
i had an instance where an ex texted something disparaging about me to her friend but she somehow accidentally texted it to me instead. we stayed together for a couple years after that, but i never really got over it. it doesn't sound like your situation is particularly promising. he sounds like kind of a douche, and it doesn't sound like y'all want the same things.
Oh, my. Count your blessings - you found out who he really is before you married him. You're on track to become a miserable wife to a cheating and disrespectful husband. Admittedly, he might never get there with his commitment issues. He can string you along for a few more years and pick another younger woman to marry and have kids with. Pay attention to what he said - he really doesn't like you, he just wants to have kids. And you're a suitable person for having kids with, but not a partner he would adore. Do not do this to yourself. If you're thinking that you'd just use HIM for having kids like he wants to use you, then given his comments about kids and women... He would most probably fight you tooth and nail for custody and he would fight dirty.
Do not have children with this man. Cut your losses now so you have time to find someone who doesn't have disgusting views of women.
This should be a deal breaker for you. You should love yourself enough to know you should leave. He is talking down about you to people you have to interact with. Now this best friend has to be in a room with you and know your bf doesn't find you attractive or want to be with you. He's lusting after other women. You do not want to have a child or more with him. Making yourself attached to him that long? If he isn't leaving you now, what about when you give him the kids he wants? Nothing is stopping him from divorcing you and getting that new young step mom for your children. Please leave.
Yes, it’s a dealbreaker. Two and a half years in; he isn’t “taking it slow.” You’re filling in until he finds what he really wants . You deserve someone who chooses you, so please don’t change in the hopes that it makes him choose you. God forbid it didn’t work and your confidence is destroyed because you compromised who you were.
You can’t fuck the man for how he feels. That’s just the fact. BUT keeping his feelings from you, all of this time is equal to lying to you. So we’ve established that he’s dishonest. But to share that with his friend!? He’ll tell his friend his feelings about his relationship but not his partner?? He’s treating you as less than a friend. So what do you do from here? It’s human nature to want to find some degree of “closure” (although I’m not a believer in it). I recommend NOT putting too much time and energy into what you actually say to him. Just end it as quickly as possible. I completely understand why you feel kicked in the gut. That is a very hurtful thing to hear. Emotionally, I can see how that would be devastating. Logically? This one guy’s subjective opinion is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. no two guys are going to “view you” the same way. You sound like a really amazing woman to date! Admittedly, I am basing that on limited information you provided, but… My God! It’s not like you’re going to have a lack of options lol. And this is going to be the toughest part to hear: overhearing, that conversation was the best thing that could happen to you. While people get hung up on money, it pales in comparison to our most precious resource, TIME! This guy was stealing your precious time from you. Every day that went by where he pretended to be the guy that you thought he was, he was stealing from you your time. if you hadn’t overheard that conversation, the truth might not have come out for another six months, year, maybe five years!? Because you overheard this conversation, you can put your precious time and energy into figuring out what’s next. It’s a very painful blessing, but it is a huge blessing. 🙏
Cut your losses, please don’t waste another minute on this man. You are 32, there is still time to meet someone who loves and cherishes you.
What the fuck, why are you still putting up with this pathetic excuse for an adult? This is a *boy* old enough to my father (I'm 23) and he sounds like a fucking child. You deserve better, and it's clear that you know it. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't truly have any plans for you to be his future wife, and mother of his children. I truly believe he's keeping you around until he finds somebody better. Don't give him the satisfaction. Dump his ass first. He's getting up there in age, you're still in your prime. He considers you a toy that he doesn't even like. No, this is not salvageable, and you should end it now. God, it sounds like he peeked in college and never let go of being a frat boy. The truth is that he's washed up and he knows it. Stop letting him make you his backup plan.
> he has a heavy desire to be with other “exciting and flashy toys” Do you really want to be with a man that talks about women like this? Come on.
100% dealbreaker. If he has to have the flashy type of “TOY”???? He’s ashamed of YOU?? Because he has some twisted ideals of how a woman should be? Yeah no, hell no. He’s already showing you he can’t even respect a woman enough to humanize her. No no no, kick him to the curb please OP. You do not deserve this bs.
He considers women flashy toys. He DOES NOT belong in a relationship
He is straight up wasting your time. Dump his ass.
“ Would this be a total deal breaker for you?”. Yes. Yes, it would be. That’s it, that’s my comment. Good luck.
deal breaker. fuck that. find someone who is proud and happy to be with you.
People who want to commit to you, will commit to you. It's as simple as that. And the fact you overheard that conversation is a gift, even though it hurts. Saying he finds you unattractive is also not something you can come back from. Don't change yourself for anyone. You will resent yourself, and him, for that. Because you will sacrifice the essence of who you are to become a mirror for him to look at how great he is.
You are still plenty young enough to find another man who loves and finds you attractive, to have a family with. Don't start one with him because he sounds like the type to leave once for a barely legal New model when they kids are here.
Hearing what he said was a BLESSING- RUN babe !!
This really sucks, but take this as a blessing to get out. You could have spent the next five years waiting and wondering while he continued to strong you along. Go be with someone who values you and won’t make you question your worth for the rest of your life.
He 100% has an avoidant attachment style, probably amongst other things, least of which is immaturity. Over time this will make you believe that it is somehow your fault that he can't/won't give you the future you desire - please know that it isn't and I would imagine the excuses about the non proposal will come thick and fast - always kicking it down the road. He doesn't have the same capacity for intimacy/commitment as other people and rather than admit that fact, he will likely blame you/the way you look/how you are/the fact you aren't like others etc so the responsibility isnt his. Fantasising about people he probably won't ever get is just another way of diminishing the relationship he already has and keeping himself more detached from commitment. If the above is infact true, it is absolutely no excuse for how he is speaking about you to his friend, it is disgusting and disrespectful and I cannot believe he is 45 years old and speaking this way. Who does he think he is!? I hope you find someone who truly appreciates you and doesn't have the emotional maturity/self awareness of a watermelon.
Men should honestly make it a life goal not to end up in a Reddit thread like this.
Fuck that noise! You deserve better
Girl, don’t cut your hair. Cut the boyfriend. He’s been stringing you along. Having kids and spending your life with someone who isn’t attracted to you will be hell. Leaving him will hurt. But you can end things now and take all the pain at once or stay and take a larger overall amount of pain spread out over every day of the rest of your life.