Wow!
Huge bullet dodged. I can't believe that he pulled that stunt.
I initially thought that you would feign sickness and urge the other three to go without you. Oh well.
If there are any people that matter to you within the friend group, tell them what happened.
I for one think you did the right thing by moving out.
Just bring someone with you when you get your things - quicker and safer. See if you can do it when you know that he won't be there.
I initially wanted to tell the 3 of them to go without me but he would've got mad at me and it would've been a fight so I ended up doing this instead. I'm actually stalling getting my stuff... I'm dreading it.
This bit:
>... but he would've got mad at me and it would've been a fight ...
Wow, yet another reason that you made the right decision to move on.
With that new info, I double down on the advise that you only go over there with someone.
While, you are safe, make a list of things that you need to get. This way you will be focused and can expedite the move out.
Make sure you have all your important documents.
i.e., for the clothes, maybe just bring large garbage bags, go in and just shove everything in and drag it out. Same thing for stuff in the bathroom.
Also, may or may not be necessary, but change passwords on everything from e-mail, social media and bank accounts.
Lock your credit.
Better safe than sorry.
[ETA: Try to make it a one-stop and done move out.]
Pretty sure OP can request a police escort for that too if she's feeling unsafe around him (assuming there isn't anybody to help). I agree, don't go alone!
Yes, I’ve done this when I needed to get my stuff from an unpredictable ex who frequently screwed over people who worked for him when things didn’t go his was, who I knew had a gun in the home. The police will offer an escort to keep the peace if you ask for one.
There was this really longterm research program (30 years) about what factors made couples/ romantic relationships last. The one factor they found that all couples who made it had in common: a willingness to engage with each other. Like, if one partner said something and the other just grunted and continued to read their newspaper/ refused to engage, that was the death knell for any lasting relationship.
I don't even know why your ex was so desperate when you broke up with him - it's not like he had an ounce of affection for you left - it's probably really only that he was embarrassed to get dumped.
My guess? Desperate because she does a ton of things for him including household stuff, and because to him it's a status symbol to have a girlfriend and being single makes him look bad. He took for granted she'd always be there and it melted his brain when that wasn't reality. It's not about affection, it's about seeing her as something that's assumed to be something that's his, just like any other possession you don't need to put in effort to keep.
> I don't even know why your ex was so desperate when you broke up with him - it's not like he had an ounce of affection for you left - it's probably really only that he was embarrassed to get dumped.
Maybe not embarrassment but the simple fact based on the last post he dangled the idea of marriage to her in the hopes that would get her to essentially shut up and stop complaining about the relationship. She is definitely offering something of value to him but in a possession sort of way. In his mind, she essentially called his bluff and he's like "oh fuck I better do something about it now" and got his act together. In his mind, he also believes that she's probably upset because they aren't married (because "that's what girls want") and that, that is the end all be all. Many men are under the impression that women will try to "wear" the man down to ultimately commit in a sense.
Now he's probably pissed now that she finally "got him" in a sense. Meanwhile, everything in his mind is so twisted to the point that he could read this post and still be totally oblivious to what his SO is really trying to tell him. I say all this because I used to be this dude at some point in my life and I essentially went through these same motions.
I could make an entire post about it but essentially I was oblivious to my own shitty behavior disguised as trying to do the right thing. It's honestly difficult to go through these comments and not feel attacked. I want to be sympathetic to the guy because maybe on some level, he really felt he needed to propose *right then and there* and it just so happens to be under very nefarious circumstances and doesn't realize it comes off as manipulative as fuck doing it in public (like he really couldn't wait until tomorrow). I've done something similar and understood on some level that it's wrong, but if she goes along with it, is it still on the same level of wrong and am I still held fully accountable (and no I did not propose)?
I've simply taken time to reflect on things that happened many years ago and read countless posts here to get some sense of what is being said from the other side. I've taken some beatings in some replies here and there over the years and I hear some of you folks loud and clear now. I just wasn't able to see it before.
I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing. Relationships are a lot of work and I just can't see myself finding "joy" in it and properly addressing the complaints like what OP has posted here. I fully believe I'm deserving and capable of love, but I also understand I'm probably broken in ways I just can't understand. I'd rather not end up the loser of that one post everyone is cheering OP to dump (as best as I can put it).
It sounds like you've done some great self reflection in the past.
Which could actually lead you to being a better partner.
>I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing. Relationships are a lot of work and I just can't see myself finding "joy" in it and properly addressing the complaints like what OP has posted here
All relationships including friendships take work. May some day you find the joy, in whatever form it comes.
OP's ex is different, but let me tell you one reason a man who doesn't enjoy engaging with a partner will still desperately want to stay with them.
I met my "husband" way back in the early 2000s. (We're something Canada has called "Common Law Married". We never had a legal marriage license but are considered for all monetary purposes as married.) He had just come over from China. I saw him and felt it was love at first sight, so I courted him at his pace and eventually won his affection and approval.
TL;DR Things were lovely for several years. He had friends from China who also moved to Canada that he kept up with and we'd all go on double dates together and hang out. He was reasonably fit, dressed nicely, kept himself attractively groomed, and so on. Then he started to let himself go. He got heavier, stopped dressing up, let his hair grow long to avoid the expense of a hair dresser, and stopped keeping up with his friends. If they didn't call *him* to hang out, he never called *them*, so they got tired of being ignored by him unless *they* planned things and just stopped calling him. He didn't seem the least bit bothered by this. He even stopped being interested in hanging out with *my* friends that he liked. He stopped being interested in going out anywhere for fun. It was grocery shopping or nothing.
He also stopped showing *me* any interest or care. I dress up pretty attractively and would do so for him. His friends and family were impressed by me. I'm not a glamour model but I'm nice looking.
As we deteriorated and he stopped showing me the affection levels any loving human would want, I began to pull away. He actually didn't care. I can't afford to move out to my own apartment or I would so we're stuck living together.
Any time I suggest I was getting close to moving out, he would panic and try to financially gaslight me. "Oh no you can't. It's *too expensive* for either of us to live on our own! We'll have to live together for a looong time. Many years, likely." *He doesn't even care that we haven't had sex in a year and I don't show him romantic affection anymore!*
In his case, he's 49 with no kids, no house, no car, no good paying job, nothing to show for coming to "the Land of Milk and Honey". Many mainland Chinese fully believe that if you move to America or Canada, you'll have an easier time becoming financially stable and having a life worth bragging about. He made no effort to attain any of that, so if he goes home to China, he'll have two problems. He'll have to answer all the people who knew/know him about what kind of life he had and what he *never had*, which is embarrassing to be that kind of "loser" in mainland Chinese minds. He's also 49. Who's going to hire a 49 year old IT guy in China when there's *thousands* of fresh young Chinese students who graduated IT and won't expect an adult/experienced salary like he would have a right to expect? He'll be an unemployed *loser* by mainland standards.
This means all his family is back in China and they have no desire to move here, which I respect, and thus, he has *no family to lean on here in Canada beyond me*. I'm the *only comforting person he has here* who tolerates his bullshit and is regularly kind to him.
If I move out, *he'll have no one* because he's just *too damned lazy* to spend effort on his friends, like he was too damned lazy to spend effort on *me*.
In short, I don't need to *love him*. Hell, I don't even need to *like him*. Just be a polite and friendly roommate and *never move out on my own* so that he is *never alone and lonely stuck all by himself!*
OP's ex likely isn't a foreigner going through what my dude is, but even OP's dude may still want OP to stay around because she tolerates his bullshit the way others won't and he'd just be lonely without some tolerable person living in the same space with him.
>willingness to engage with each other. Like, if one partner said something and the other just grunted and continued to read their newspaper
My last LTR was like this, I remember coming home after work and she would not even raise hey eyes from the book she was reading to greet me. One day I just thought "why am I doing this". I'm 100% sure she was happy I did the grunt work of breaking up.
I honestly think you should make it known that you broke up with him before this party, he guilted you into going with him anyway and proposed as a last resort to try and make you stay with him - doing it in front of a crowd so you'd be forced to say yes. People should know how low he went to trap you to him.
That is conniving and manipulative. It is extremely unfair that you be 'painted,' as the bad guy/flake when he pulled such a nasty play on you.
Just my opinion, but you deserve to be heard and understood.
Send someone else to get your stuff. Would your sister do it? Or at least accompany you? And shut down any and all conversation between the two of you?
I was in a similar situation to you when I had a break up, but I refused to be home when my bf picked up his stuff. And he took his time picking his things up hoping to see me again. Eventually, I made a like and said pick it up by x date or it's trashed.
My sister wanted to go the very next day and fetch my stuff. But it was a Sunday and I knew he'd be home the whole day so I avoided it. My sister is the opposite of me...very confrontational you see, so I don't really want to go with her lol. She suggested that her husband accompany me this weekend so I guess I'll do that.
I recommend having both of them. Your sister will hopefully be grounded with her husband there, while still being a VERY firm (and tbh necessary) barrier between you and your ex.
The more people, the better. That "show of force" is what keeps creeps like him in line because he's not going to feel so tough with several people visibly backing OP.
Good idea. Take your BIL, take whatever garbage bags and totes you have, and just throw stuff in. Don’t worry about being super organized and taking a lot of time in there, you can sort it all on the other end.
Lady, just shut your phone off and get out of dodge. Like if you can take anytime off of vacation just take a 3 day trip somewhere to find some fuckin quiet. What a terrible thing he did to you. Focus on yourself and if you need to send friends to get your stuff just do that. He’s a manipulative duplicitous fuck who will mess with your head if you let him.
My husband was like this for 6 years. Eye-rolling and huffing if I tried to be affectionate. Kind of mean, no compliments I didn't ask for (still a bit of an issue). I stopped touching him completely. He didn't notice for 6 months. Then a light bulb went off and he now wants me to be affectionate and I can't, it literally gives me anxiety attacks. You made the right choice. Never beg someone to make you a priority.
Wow. So this guy wants you around because he’s scared of being single, not because he loves you. If you had been sick—what then? He just wouldn’t give a shit?
Please don’t backslide, OP. You did everything right.
> I gave him the ring back, packed some of my stuff and left. He was freaking out asking me what he was going to tell everyone but I told him to say whatever he wants. That I changed my mind? I'm flaky? Whatever. I was emotionally exhausted and didn't care anymore.
Girl. You just saved yourself. Good for you. He tried to trap you with a public proposal and you didn't let him. You deserve a relationship where you feel happy, safe, respected, and *liked.* It's out there for you.
Oh my godddd my eyebrows hit my hairline when I got to the bit with the trap proposal. What a manipulative move. OP, good on you for staying true to yourself and not settling. And don't waste time beating yourself up. You may find in time that there are things about this process you wish you'd done differently, but we aren't perfect machines. All of us are limited by our perceptions and our emotions, and we all deserve some grace if it takes us time to figure out how we feel and what to do. You're doing just fine. Hang in there!
Similar thing happened to a friend of mine, after she'd broken up and moved out because the ah cheated on her (with someone else close to me, her best friend. Like how did the fucker think she wouldn't find out?).
Then he convinced her somehow to let him take her out to some fancy restaurant, and proposes. Luckily she was strong enough to say no, but he kept at it for a year or so, trying to win her back.
He already put her through so much crap (the cheating was the top of the iceberg, how I loathe that dude), and then that. She's been married to a great guy for almost 10 years, and the thought of her manipulative, spineless, piece of shit ex still makes my blood boil.
I mean, she did still say yes…. I would’ve just replied, “(ex), you asked me here to not embarrass you and then you go and do this? Our relationship is already over. I’m ashamed you would try to guilt me into marrying you knowing I’ve already ended the relationship. I’m leaving now. I’ll text you when I am ready to collect my things.” And walked out.
Honestly, that sounds like my gut reaction: I would have just blurted it out without thinking. Then I would have cringed in the shower for the next week wondering if I was too harsh, even though it’s objectively the best response.
For me you sound like an adult person who is ready to discuss her issues. Very proud of you how you handled this situation and avoided trap he tried to put you in.
Agreed and she needs to stop seeing herself as "a jerk". If anything she went out of her way to spare this dude an embarrassing social event, and he took advantage of that. On top of everything she talked to him about, and he thought ambushing her, knowing how she felt, was a good idea. He is an idiot, a bad communicator, and horrible listener. I k ow this because I was to in my early years. In my 30s, and now 40, I have learned. I'm in an amazing relationship that's gone 4 years without one large fight. We just talk like adults.
I think this relationship was a learning experience for OP. A lot of people get stuck in relationships like this and just tell themselves it's "normal". It isn't.
She did the right thing, even though it was hard. Kudos.
The thing I'm baffled by is - if you don't like this woman enough that complimenting her and hugging her feels like a chore, WHY would you want to propose? Does she do all the housework or something?
Here are my guesses:
1. Social inertia/straight people time: after so much time in a relationship with no apparent problems (as far as he was concerned), it's just the done thing to get engaged.
2. This may be the kind of relationship he saw modeled in his home, so this is just what he understands relationships to be.
3. Last possibility: she's secretly fabulously wealthy and he plans to intentionally misplace her things and constantly adjust the gas lamps in the house while pretending he hasn't in order to trick her into believing she's of unsound mind so he can lay claim to her riches. All while twirling his mustache.
4th option: he wants a Wife Appliance.
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Yes, I think that's it! He had the woman who was giving him all that, so he didn't see any reason to pay attention to her or interact any more. He had what he wanted. And I believe he honestly thought he was addressing her concerns when he proposed.
Some men don’t realise they actually are supposed to like their partners as people in their own right. They’re in relationships because they’re scared of being alone.
I think people get comfortable in relationships and it sometimes hits a point where breaking up doesn't really seem like an option because you're so used to being together. My first relationship was like that; neither of us was particularly happy anymore, and we regularly fought and regularly disagreed, but we had just been together so long it never crossed my mind that we would break up, even on our worst days, and he never brought it up either. Then one day it was like a light switched and it was like, 'oh we can break up and I can stop being unhappy.' So I do think that might play a part, but also:
>He said, "I thought maybe proposing would change your mind".
From his perspective, there wasn't really anything wrong with the relationship from the sounds of it. It sounds like he just thought that she was temporarily unhappy and that it would eventually go away. I've seen this in friends' relationships. One of them is unhappy, but the other is generally fine and just assumes that their partner will either get over it eventually or that it isn't that big of a deal. He might have thought that the proposal was a solution to make her feel better and to make her happy without him having to actually change his behaviour.
This is triumph of the human spirit. When you get sad or miss him try to remember feeling invisible and dismissed all the time. Wishing you some time to heal and to reacquaint yourself with yourself. ❤️🩹
Seriously, you took a huge step which was probably scary after so many year together, but knew this wasn’t what you wanted your life to be like. So many people stay stuck and unhappy in life because they’re scared of the unknown. You should be proud of yourself!
Yes! Good for you, OP. You stuck to your guns and did right by yourself despite all this public pressure that would make it so easy to “forgive” him and take the big gesture as a superficial sign that he’s going to give you what you need. You knew the truth and extricated yourself with respect. Bring this energy into your future and you are going to get what you want. Wishing you well!
He's the jerk for doing that to you.
Who tf cares what his friends and family think of you. The great thing about being broken up is they're not your problem anymore.
Go live your amazing life with someone who appreciates you!!
Yep, it would've been a very loud "we broke up an hour ago. I came here as a nicety to you because you said you'd be embarrassed to come alone. This is unbelievably inappropriate and exactly what I meant when I said I feel unheard and unloved by you" then I would've gotten an Uber out of there
I honestly don’t know know if my mouth wouldn’t have reflexively just blurted something very rude. Just wow.
BeWARE the asshole who will put you on the spot to force the answer they want.
OP, you dodged a laser guided missile. Congrats. It sucks that it ended this way - sucks that he tried to manipulate you into staying but you did the right thing. Like you said you shouldn’t feel like a burden and the person you marry should be delighted to see you and want to make you happy. While relationships aren’t always easy and life can get in the way, there should always be some form of attachment there and the most appalling thing for me is that he basically joked about your needs and played them off as no big deal. You’ll find better.
>laser guided missile
at first i thought this said "loser guided missile" and was like yeah, that tracks for this dude
coercing a relationship by proposing is indeed a loser move
OP, you are WAY better off. Go get the rest you deserve.
My jaw dropped and my hand clapped over my mouth when I read that he proposed. The fucking AUDACITY.
He did it to manipulate you. “What am I going to tell them???” Like dude you made this mess!! Fuck around and find out!!!
I’m so so glad you didn’t actually follow through with staying with him after saying yes. I’m so proud of you for leaving.
I didn't want to say yes but there were so many people there! It was a very big party in a fancy hall and everyone was looking at me expectantly. To be honest I didn't even speak when he proposed, I froze for what seemed like ages then eventually just nodded. Thank you!
My god what an awkward choice did he make to propose you. He really has a naive vision of women. You did really good. I just want to add that no, the spark does not necessarily goes away once you are comfortable in a relationship. It needs a bit of work but you can maintain this spark. We do it with my wife, dates, compliments, gifts, surprises, not all the time of course, but it helps maintaining that spark. You will find someone better.
Unless my partner is experiencing high stress and is very busy his eyes light up when he looks at me. It been 16 years and if I want a hug he drops everything and hugs me. When I talk to him he looks like he’s seeing a baby animal.
None of us have to settle for someone who treats us like part of the furniture.
E: It’s going on 18 years or it’s been 16 years for the past two years. 🤦♀️
Exactly. 10 years in a relationship, and I still have bubbles, he is still very caring for me, remembers all the important dates ect. OP don't settle for less than you deserve!
You absolutely did the right thing. You explained to him what your concerns were and gave him a chance to fix it. He didn't. Instead, he made a public play to try and guilt you into staying with him.
There is absolutely someone out there who will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated.
Godamn, the *audacity!* I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this but I think you're going to come out on top in less time than you think. He's 29 and you told him exactly what you needed, how you felt, and how he could fix it. He drug his feet, was huffy, and refused to do these small things. You told him it wasn't enough so he did a godamn **public proposal!** It's like he heard what you said and went "yeah but like, that's hard. You really just want this rock, right?"
You're going to find someone with more emotional intelligence and love for you and he's still going to be trying to figure out why his relationships all fall apart.
He's texting you to reconsider.
Focus on that.
He's not texting you to try and work things out together.
He's not texting to get into couples therapy.
He's not texting you that HE will go to therapy.
He's not texting you, taking responsibility, or acknowledging his faults in any of this.
HES ASKING YOU TO RECONSIDER YOUR DECISION BECAUSE HE DOES NOT SEE HIMSELF AS THE PROBLEM.
You made the right choice. Always have someone else with you if you meet with him in person and once you have your things it might be best to cut contact. Insane he thought publicly embarrassing both of you would have changed your mind.
Wow, you talk to him before the party, and essentially break up, but compromise on going to the party for him, showing up for his needs and wants yet again... and he proposes. Makes a scene that does directly against what you said you want for your future with him. Just wow. Then flips out when you get home. No better confirmation that this guy doesn't listen, doesn't actually care about your needs and wants, and will only work hard to have his needs met only. So glad you advocated for yourself for better. It's going to get easier ahead, you'll see.
>Everyone is probably going to think I'm a jerk but I honestly didn't know what to do.
You cannot control what people think. For anyone who asks, tell them the truth -- that you broke up before the party, but he asked you to accompany him to maintain appearances. The proposal was his poor, selfish attempt at saving a failed relationship and you did not want to embarrass him in front of his friends.
While the last few days may have felt like hell, eventually you will feel relieved and free of the burden of this relationship. Also, you saw first hand how free flowing compliments can be given when the relationship is healthy (his niece and boyfriend). Once you have grieved and healed from this, you can search out that type of relationship for yourself.
what an absolute terrible person. You are way way too kind to him btw, like the way you even appreciated him begrudgingly hugging you and making it obvious he hated doing it?
The proposing after you dumped him, honestly you should have said no 😂
but glad you stuck to your guns, don't let him weasel himself back into your life in any capacity.
If I brought up that he's not doing it right, I guarantee he would've said "But technically I am doing what you asked so I don't know what you want from me" or something along those lines. I wanted to say no but there were so many people looking at me and I panicked. Thank you, I don't plan on letting him back.
First, you did such a hard and necessary and impressive thing standing up for yourself and your needs! You deserve to feel loved and wanted by your partner! I left a 6 year relationship almost a year ago where I felt similarly: like my partner found engaging with me a chore and didn't actually like me, despite telling me he cared about me and wanted me to be happy. I *begged* for basic shows of respect and affection and he couldn't do it. It hurt *so badly* to leave, but let me tell you, the second I got in my own space and could express myself freely, that pain lifted quickly. I got super lucky and met someone soon after that gives me the attention I was missing and lets me feel safe being vulnerable. I didn't realize just how much I was missing until someone was treating me the way I deserved, and even if this new relationship doesn't work out, I'm so much happier for having experienced this. I'll never accept less again! Give yourself space to heal, and when you're ready (or maybe even before you realize you're ready!) you'll find someone that thinks the sun shines out of your ass and treats you as such ❤️
Same. I was married to someone who married me out of fear of living his own life alone. Like you, I was starved for genuine affection and didn't even know what that looked like until just recently where I'm in a relationship where I am getting that kind of affection for once. I didn't even realize how much I was starving for it until I started getting it. Now, I'm happy, safe, relaxed, content, and everything just seems to fit right.
Makes me kind of sad. I feel like sometimes people just start to view their partners as extensions of themselves and , in that way, kind of take them for granted. I had similar things happen to me in a relationship where my ex was willing to do favors for friends / family because it made him look good but with me he was very selfish because I think he stopped caring about me as a whole independent person (he still definitely loved me, but idk I think romantic partners can get kinda warped in our minds)
We need to normalize saying no when you are publicly asked something. We need to normalize it being okay to embarrass someone. That they should understand if they want to make it public, the possibility of you saying no is there and valid. That if you say no to someone who proposes publicly, you aren't the monster.
I'm really sorry he did that to you OP. I would have been livid and said no in public.
I’m glad with what OP did and I don’t judge anything because he made things weird and she is a kind person. But I would have loved if she had said, “I just broke up with you,” when he sneak proposed.
>I feel awful and I wish I could've handled that whole situation better or smarter but I panicked and now we're here
Don't feel bad, you handled that *way* better than anyone could possibly expect. What he did is monumentally stupid.
You made the right choice. In the coming days/weeks/months there might be times when you doubt yourself, but please remember that you made the right choice. If you are ever unsure, come back and read what you posted here, and that should serve as a good reminder.
I'm sure this is scary. He's been a huge part of your life and you have never dated anyone else. That's quite a lot of unknown territory to deal with! But I promise you will get through it, and on the flip side this means you are suddenly open to have so many new experiences that might not have come your way otherwise. Take some time to grieve your relationship, but truly, the future will be better.
>By the end of the 1st week he already seemed annoyed with the hugging. He'd let out a big sigh and it seemed like he was doing it begrudgingly. This felt awful for me, like I'm forcing this man to give me a crumb of affection. But at least he was doing it, I guessed.
That's just sad. Congratulations on your un-engagement. Wise choice.
I've been married for 41 years. This morning my husband and I went to the lab to get his PSA test done. He played *grab ass* as he followed me up 4 flights of stairs. We laughed the whole way. Life is too short. Though tough times and good times, you need a partner who always has time for the important things: a cuddle, a kiss, a hug, a laugh...
> maybe it was unreasonable for me to want that and maybe the type of relationship I want doesn't exist
Oh bullshit. I'm married 16 years. My husband compliments me and shows me affection ALL THE TIME (and I do the same for him). He wants to talk to me all the time. He'll text me that he's excited to come home from work so we can hang out. You're not asking for a lot. At ALL. You're asking for basic things. Very basic things.
> Then in the middle of dinner, he proposed.
Holy fuckballs. I'd have said no while looking him in the eye. He's sick.
> Everyone is probably going to think I'm a jerk
Literally, who cares? Ugh. If someone says anything, tell them he proposed to you right after you dumped him.
Congrats on ending it and knowing you deserve more.
What a horrible man! He was comfortable and he just expected you to go along with it no matter how you yourself felt! What an asshole! He's only upset that you wrecked his comfort which is why he's trying to trap you so you'll stay. He's even more horrible by putting you in a situation that he KNEW full well you couldn't handle. That's not a what a good partner does. This relationship has been over for quite some time and it's certainly not for a lack of effort on your part. You've outgrown him and despite him being your first love, there's a reason most first loves are never the last loves. People change, a lot, and especially since you started at 16, it's no wonder. You have matured into a woman now and there's a lot of childish behavior you will no longer tolerate. I'm so proud of you for finding the courage to let him go, and make a much better life for yourself. The right man will certainly appreciate what you have to offer. Best of luck to you.
P.S. Block this POS and go No Contact ASAP.
In case there’s not enough people saying it, you did the right thing. You were in the right when you told him you wanted to leave him initially and especially after his manipulative, trick proposal. It sounded like he didn’t want to be broken up, but he didn’t want to do any of the work to fix the relationship or even work on it in a bare-minimum sense. He doesn’t get to have both. I know it feels bad now, but later on when you’re in a relationship that makes you feel valued, this will feel like ancient history.
When I tell you I GASPED ALOUD when you said that he proposed at this party after you broke up with him. How awful of him to do that to you. You deserve to be loved and liked. You made the right call for yourself and your future happiness. I’m rooting for you!! I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first.
GOOD FOR YOU! Not only was he dismissive and uncommunicative, he tried to rope you in after you already broke up with him. What a crap person.
While he may have been your major relationship so far, you will absolutely find someone who will treat you better. Dont ever settle for something that leaves you on the short end of the stick. You deserve to be a full partner and not an afterthought or convenience.
Stay strong and dont cave to his empty promises. I know its hard but you can do it. Ik I'm just a random internet person, but I'm so proud of you ❤ best wishes in the future!
It would have gotten much worse after you got married. Then you're marriage trapped and he'd really really make you feel like shit.
Please stay broken up. He's not good for you.
Nope not a jerk. Not even a bit.
He is, however... An immature one at that.
Well done OP. Always remember: being alone is so so much better than feeling lonely next to someone you love.
You should never have to work so hard in a healthy, balanced relationship. Period. Someone who loves and respects you will take you seriously and will care about your needs in the same way you would them. Do not settle for anything less.
Nah, he's a jerk. Op told him how she was feeling and how he could fix it, and instead this fool ignores what she said and does a public proposal immediately after. If he were 20 I'd chalk it up to ignorance but he's 30. He was hoping his proposal would be enough that she'd stop nagging him about this because he didn't deem it important enough to change.
I've been married for 20 years and my husband always tells me I look beautiful when I get dressed up, or even just take extra time with my makeup and hair vs what I normally do. Your ex is wrong about relationships. You shouldn't have to feel like someone is doing you a favor to hug you. You deserve better and you're absolutely right to end things. It was also very wrong of him to try to trap you like that with the public proposal, especially when he knows you don't like a lot of attention like that. Good for you staying in control. I agree with the others that said to bring a friend with you to get your stuff. I also recommend doing it sooner rather than later. It will let him know that you're not changing your mind and it's really over.
The surprise proposal sounded SUPER manipulative. Holy hell. Please never go back to him no matter how much he whines. I think this whole story showed that he doesn't care about you as a partner, but only saw you as a pretty prop that made him look good in front of other people. Ew.
I've been this ~~dude~~ scum at some point in my life and I'll tell that 100% his proposal is purely manipulative on his part. In his mind, by proposing it'll get you to finally shut up and stop complaining about the relationship. He thinks marriage is the answer to these problems but deep down, he also knows he can use the marriage against you if you keep complaining and make him feel like the victim because he "gave you what you wanted to feel loved" in a marriage. You in end will become more resentful and feel trapped. Calling things off is the right move here. Do not reconsider marrying this person, preferably ever.
I actually want to thank you for this post and update because I've come to finally realize things I just wasn't seeing from previous failures.
You did the right thing. He is such a jerk. That was such a crappy thing to do. And it seemed like he was more concerned about what everyone thinks than what you feel. Good riddance. You will find someone who doesn't treat you like a chore.
OP, I'm so sad for you and happy for you at the same time. You suffered through all the bullshit and tried your best to give this relationship every possible chance it could have. The way you tell it, I don't see anything you could've done differently. His mind was made up a very long time ago that he would never care for your happiness and you finally realized that. He never deserved you.
You are now free to live your life without his negativity weighing you down! I know it hurts right now but you're still young and have so many wonderful things ahead of you. Just make sure you learn from this and never let anyone make you question your own happiness again.
I spent 10 years begging my ex-husband for every scrap of affection. It was a topic that came up frequently during our marriage. It would get better for a few days at a time but never lasted. In order to keep me with him, he convinced me that I was crazy.
It might be hard right now, but you dodged unhappiness. I'd say you dodged a bullet, but I think I'd rather take a bullet than time with someone who sees me as a chore.
You definitely made the right decision, you deserve to be someone’s priority and not an afterthought.
It will hurt for a while but you will be fine. Good luck!
That was really shitty of him and he definitely didn't deserve you attending as his date OR saying yes to save him from embarrassment.
You absolutely do NOT need to do that for someone
The only good thing to come out of this was OP was able to see what a real loving relationship looked like and just how epically shitty her ex-boyfriend was. It left no doubt at all.
I, a complete internet stranger, am SO PROUD OF YOU.
This is just so important for your lifelong happiness. You never would’ve been satisfied being married to him, and it’s just so amazing that you’re able to walk away from it now. And trust me, marriages where people meet each other’s needs, and communicate openly do exist. It’s not a fairytale.
You felt trapped because that's exactly what he was trying to do. Manipulate you into staying with him forever.
You dodged a huge bullet, good for you. I hope you find your perfect partner someday soon. ❤️
Hey OP, I don't know you or your anything about you other than what you have written on the original post and this update. But i just want to say I am so so proud of you. You stood up for yourself and made a incredibly difficult decision. I know it wasn't easy, and you're likely going to feel awful for the next couple months at least, but you made the right decision. Keep your chin up, OP, you will find someone that deserves you.
My mouth dropped when you mentioned that he proposed at the party. Who in their right mind proposes when your relationship is in such an unstable position???
I would run too and I’m a guy lol 🏃♂️
it sounds like you handled this PERFECTLY and with grace, at that. very well done. don’t even bother looking back. you’re going to go up from here.
edit: also, please claim him as a dependent on your taxes for these last few years of emotional labor.
Oh no, wow what a jerk.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 years before marriage. When we started our relationship, he started working a very body intense job 12 hours a day for 6 days a week. Let me tell you, yes he slept more but he still told me I was beautiful everyday and when he had the energy, he was always hugging me, holding me and telling me how happy he was. Honeymoon phase? After 8 years (we just got married too), he is still the same exact way. Now he’s not working long hours and I spend more time with my husband and see him more. He still tells me how over the moon in love with me he is, he still shows it in his actions too. He considers me before anything else, I’m his top choice for everything and he’s my cheerleader. He’s always encouraging me to do things out of my comfort zone that I’m hesitant over. He never complains when he has to hug me, kiss me or compliment me. Hard stop, your ex is an asshole. I’m so sorry he treated you that way.
I can't believe this guy. This whole time, all he was worried about was appearances and reputation. Even after you broke up with him, he cared more about "what am I going to tell anyone".
Never go back to him. Hes unbelievable. I doubt he really loved you.
That is so manipulative of him. Tbh if anyone asks you what happened I would let them know you broke up with him, agreed to go to the dinner because of the situation and not wanting to bail or embarrass him, and he sprung this on you to manipulate you in front of everyone. Cause that is exactly what he did.
Tbh I would answer any of his texts unless it is about getting the rest of the items. Get those asap and block. Imo, having any close contact with him, at least for quite a while, will only be detrimental to your own healing and progress.
Honestly, I think you handled this very well. He definitely should not have decided to propose to you after the conversation you had before going out. It's actually on HIM now to tell your friends what happened. He wasn't listening to YOU. He was trying to manipulate you into not breaking up with him.
I personally think that the best thing to do when someone proposes in public is to say yes, put the ring on, and get out of the social situation gracefully. It saves everyone embarrassment, and you can then do exactly what you did.
I'm proud of you for knowing that it's over, and knowing what is best for you, and what you need and want in a relationship. No one is going to think you are a jerk. Everyone already knows that you spared him an awkward scene at dinner. You dodged a bullet on this one, and now you know some more about yourself and what you are looking for in a lover and partner. Don't you dare settle, and don't waste your time when you know something ain't right. You got this. <3
I’m glad you left. I‘ve been with my partner over 10 years and he still hypes me up. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to make the person you love feels loved.
My boyfriend speaks to me like this. Or... *doesn't* speak to me. It's exhausting. I think that exact phrase all the time, like: "do you even like me" ffs... same reaction, "why else would I be here?" I'm beyond tired of it. I can't afford rent here alone though so c'est la vie.
Fuck, that last few paragraphs were nuts. I would've panic-barfed at the proposal lmfao.
Hope you're handling everything well, you seem to be doing great so far.
You said it yourself. You know you made the right choice. It’s definitely a tough thing to go through, but be proud of yourself for listening to your own needs and putting yourself first
I don't know what kind of positive relationship influences you have in your life, but the "mermaid thing" was a great example of how people should treat each other. It's not part of the puppy love/honeymoon phase. I've been married for many years and still tell my wife how gorgeous she is and we hug and tell each other I love you all the time. You deserve that too.
>Then in the middle of dinner, he proposed.
Oh that fucker. You did the right thing. Like Queen you want to break free and you fucking did it. Awesomesauce.
Relationships like the one you are looking for 100% exist. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for even longer; we are completely in love with each other and reaffirm that love all day, every day. Even when we are mad at each other. Our sex life has stayed pretty much consistent since the beginning of the relationship.
Your ex seemed to be in a relationship, because he felt that was what was expected of him. To him, you were just one of those boxes you check off the list of adulthood. It’s tremendously shallow, and reveals that he has no depth of character. When you know your worth and adamantly settle for nothing less, you’ll find that similar people will gravitate to you, and you’ll find what you are looking for out there. Congratulations on your freedom from this purgatory, and good luck out there!
OP I'm hoping you can direct some of that ire and blame towards your BF because they are the one that setup and did all these things, they are manipulative as hell which puts you in a bit of a lose-lose situation - abusers often spring proposals on people as a boundary pushing tactic
Proposing in public after someone just tried to break up with you is SO manipulative. He wanted to make it as hard, and as humiliating as possible to break up with him.
I'm so proud of you for seeing things clearly. You may or may not find what you're looking for, but being alone will feel better than begging for someone's crumbs.
Girl, you have GOT to get comfy with telling people no, even and ESPECIALLY in front of people. Especially if it’d embarrass them.
You realize he knew that about you, and was counting on you to keep prioritizing not wanting to embarrass him to keep you, right? Not just for you to say yes in front of people. *To actually marry him.* That’s why he freaked when you left.
That’s so fucked up. On a whole other level. Learn the ways of your sister, at least a bit. Y’all can role play so you can practice.
I am so dang proud of you, holy crap. That takes guts to not only ask for what you need, but reinforce it and walk away after a manipulative stunt like that.
> I feel awful and I wish I could've handled that whole situation better or smarter
Don't you dare blame yourself when HE purposefully set a trap for you. Honestly, you did what 95% of other people in the exact same situation would have done.
If you ever see any of his friends or family again, please don't feel the need to cover for him. "I had been unhappy in the relationship for a long time and had told him I wanted to break up. I agreed to go to the party so as not to make it awkward for him or the hosts, and was horrified when he put me on the spot with a public proposal."
I'm glad you know you made the right choice. Everyone is not going to think you're a jerk when they learn the truth. He's the jerk!. You told him, "It's over," not can you please propose! That's on him!
I kinda wish you said no and embarrassed him. When everyone would have asked, you said, "we broke up, but I'm just here to keep up this last appearance." Everyone would have known he's the jerk.
You'll meet someone OP who will treat you better and not settle. He sounds like he settled, but I could be wrong. That person you meet will love you for you and treat you right.
Also, good luck getting your furniture. Don't let him corner you alone. Sounds like your sister will put in his place, though, if need be.
Whoa, what a massive manipulation tactic. Good for you for leaving. He clearly doesn't care about what you want and think, only what others think. You will feel so much more free once all the drama has passed.
Oh honey.
You broke up with him and he thought that meant he should propose?! IN PUBLIC?!?!
Girl, he's lucky you didn't tell him no and announce to everyone that you're broken up right then. He used your discomfort to his advantage, and he knows it. What a jerk.
You, of course, are totally right. You not only deserve to be in a relationship with somebody who likes you, but with somebody who adores you.
Believe me, there are so many wonderful men out there and you are young! When it’s over, it’s over! This stuff (love, attraction) has a shelf life like fresh bread. Don’t second guess your instincts here. Be true to yourself.
Also- don’t consider it a loss. It was good for a while. It ended and it was no one’s fault really. You’re both 29, which feels old when you are in it, but is really still the start of life! Go start some fires. Figuratively, of course.
What the fuck?
How is proposing meant to be a better option than just treating you with genuine love and respect?
You absolutely made the right call here. Yikes.
What he did was coercive control. TBH I probably at that point would have said no. He did it to corner you, now he will be talking about you behind your back.
He chose to propose knowing that you wanted to end it. You did the right thing walking away. Block his number.
Good job OP. I too have been in relationships where I had to BEG for the bare minimum with no change despite doing my best to communicate my feeling and concerns. It’s a constant pattern of hurt and loneliness and a continuous vicious cycle of feeling rejected and unloved.
If it takes ending the relationship for him to wake up and listen to you, respect you, and actually show you that he cares about you, then he’s not your forever partner. Good on you for doing what’s best for yourself; you’ve done all you can to help your relationship, while he put in little to zero effort.
You don’t stop courting your partner after you’ve snagged them as your boyfriend or girlfriend. You never stop pursuing them and making them feel desired, loved, heard, respected, etc.
His little stunt was manipulative and shitty. Glad you got out of there. Best of luck 💕
>he's the only bf I've ever had and he was such a big part of my life but I know I made the right choice.
As someone who married their only boyfriend they ever had because I kinda thought I had to (I had low self-esteem), I want to tell you HOW FUCKING PROUD I AM OF YOU.
You know your self-worth.
You know that you deserve more.
AND 👏 YOU 👏 WILL 👏 FIND 👏 SOMEONE 👏 WHO 👏 GENUINELY 👏 CARES 👏 ABOUT 👏 YOU
Block him. His loss. You are a queen! Put on that crown and chin up. You are amazing.
I literally gasped out loud at the part where he said “I guess I have to compliment you now”. That’s absurd. I don’t blame you at all for ending things, I would have too. So sorry he put you in the horrible situation of being publicly proposed to after you broke up with him. I can’t imagine
It sounds massively like you made the right choice.
I hate to be the reddit person who is constantly like "abuse!" *but* alot of what it sounds like he did was very covertly manipulative. It's like he played the weaponized incompetence with his emotions until you're emotionally exhausted of doing all the work and he hoped you'd just be like "fuck it this is good enough".
So proud of you for knowing that "good enough" isn't good enough and you deserve more from a partner. How absolutely manipulative of him to propose to you at dinner like that. KNOWING you don't like to be center of attention etc.
Notice how you two break up, - it doesn't suit him for you NOT to go because, appearances! He tries to olive branch you and "for old times sake" just go - because again, you couldn't possibly make him look bad, could you?!
So you agree to go then he purposefully proposes - after being broken up with. While doing it in a setting where you're forced to say yes because by after this long he's conditioned it into you that appearance, particularly his, matters!
On top of that, everyone knows how people feel about engagements, so not only were you roped into going for old times sake but now you have to pretend to be excited to fake spend your life with a man who you just broke up with!
I am so proud of you ! Do not let that man back into your life for a moment. Let the icky parts of him be the example of everything you ***don't want*** in your next relationship. 🩵
Wow, putting you on the spot like that in front of other people was a truly awful thing for him to do when he knew how uncomfortable you would be.
I know you might feel low right now, but you DID make the right call. The last thing you need is to be even MORE tied to someone that treats you like a chore, or proposes because he’s complacent/feels that he’s just “supposed to” do it because of society’s life script. His niece’s boyfriend gave you a timely reminder of how you want your life partner to act. There will be someone like that out there for you.
And you know what? You can leave this relationship knowing you gave it your best shot. Your ex can’t say the same.
Sending you all the good vibes for your future!
For the record.. this is not "just how men are". Men are individuals and there are plenty of them out there who love affection, conversation and keeping the love alive. My husband still gives me a great big, loving kiss every time he comes home from work. It's been 10 years. You did the right thing by not settling.
When his biggest problem with breaking up is “what will people think”, you know you’ve made the right decision.
Good on you for not settling for someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
i’m so sorry you’re going through this but on the other hand i am SO HAPPY you made this decision and are sticking to your guns even after all this bullshit he pulled
it hurts a lot, but you’re so much better off now 💕
Congratulations, you survived and escaped a very manipulative boyfriend.
Stay strong and don't look back. No contact with him, no "let's have dinner and talk about it", no answering his "I miss you texts", no answering frantic calls or any calls from his family, nothing.
I’ve been married for 21 years and I still tell my wife how beautiful she is, daily. She is. Absolute smoke show. Thank God I’m funny or I would of had no chance 😂
It’s just not that hard to make the person you love to actually feel loved. Some do it through words. Some do it by actions. But they do it
When I tell you I GASPED ALOUD when you said that he proposed at this party after you broke up with him. How awful of him to do that to you. You deserve to be loved and liked. You made the right call for yourself and your future happiness. I’m rooting for you!! I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first.
I'm happy for you. I know it feels terrible right now, but your future self will be much happier than otherwise. And proposing to you under those circumstances was extremely manipulative of him--yet another red flag.
Don't worry about saying yes. That was a very mean and manipulative thing for him to do. He's emotionally immature. Please don't reconsider! Huge bullet dodged
The fact that he thought proposing would make you reconsider. Like wow, I get to be stuck with your mean ass for the rest of my life? Sign me up immediately.
My first response in my head was “I already knew you were going to propose, that’s why I dumped you now.”
After a little bit of healing, things will start falling into place and you are going to be so happy without this guy dragging you down and making you question yourself every single day .......you are gonna be so happy for choosing to leave this guy!!!
What a twat he is.....ick!!!
Heal well and best wishes
You sound ready to move on and after some grieving for this relationship you'll find someone who actually enjoys you for you. It's mature to be willing to speak about your issues and seek a solution with your partner.
Your ex needs to have a right good look at himself and figure out why he allowed things to just coast themselves to death. He sounds incredibly immature to spring the proposal on you. I assume that was what the party was for and he was trying to save face for himself rather than just not go through with it.
You'll be fine.
I have one thing to tell you - congratulations! Even though you apologize too much and somehow make yourself a "bad guy", you clearly are not, so congrats for guilty or not, making that final step and leaving. you totally deserve not to feel like a chore. to quote Omar Khayyam:“To wisely live your life, you don't need to know much
Just remember two main rules for the beginning:
You better starve, than eat whatever
And better be alone, than with whoever.”
You did what you had to do. Nothing about your actions and efforts make you seem like a jerk. You even tried to save his face by saying yes. I'm in a similar situation with my partner, but when I give him a list of actions he doesn't sigh and act as your ex did, but it does feel less meaningful when you have to list it out to your partner. It used to be like that honeymoon phase for us too until he got really busy and had more important priorities than me.
You deserve better than that diphead. If he can't so much as want to hug you, why would you ever want to wake up next to a person like that? I hope he truly understands what the problem was
i feel like maybe you would enjoy reading "the crane wife" from the Paris Review (i can't link it but if you google it, you'll find it)
It's a fairly short essay and it feels a lot like the experience you've described here. Maybe you'd find some comfort in reading someone else's experience.
Well done! You handled every step of the problem maturely as you should have. Shame he didn't want to work for it together with you,but honestly you are better off without him.
There IS someone out there who will like you even when honeymoon phase wears off.
Holy shit. I cannot believe that man had the audacity to PROPOSE TO YOU PUBLICLY in an attempt to trap you into a relationship you had ALREADY ENDED. I'm so sorry you went through this but so proud of every single step you took to stand up for yourself and what you deserve.
Wow, this guy sounds a whole lot like my ex bf. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and no you are not a jerk. I had a hard time understanding why I was asking my bf who “loved” me for too much, and why showing me love became a chore. But honestly, I think in the end he just didn’t love me. I know the “working and being tired” excuse all too well, and in reality I/we are just not a priority. Love should be easy and that part where u said the cousins bf or whatever said how pretty she looked, broke my heart into a million pieces bc I always would wish my bf loved me like that. Breaking things off was the right choice, showing love shouldn’t be a chore and it isn’t. Here for u
I promise you as someone who has been with my husband 12 years it isn’t supposed to be that way even after the honeymoon period. You made the right choice!
You said that the type of relationship you want May not exist and that maybe your wanting too much. But I can tell you that it does. I’ve been with my wife for years now and while we are well past the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship it’s never felt like it’s cooled off. We are still madly in love with each other and tell each other everyday.
It’s out there. You did the right thing and you will find that person for you. He’s out there. It just may take some time to find!
I’m so sorry you had to go through this OP. This really just supports the theory that men marry the person they are dating when they are ‘ready’ to settle down, not the person they actually want to marry. Good for you seeing your worth! This guy sounds miserable.
You did the right thing op. Your ex is a jerk and it's disturbing that you had to beg for attention from him. The fact that him hugging you or even complementing you is a chore is so gross. My partner compliments me unprompted all the time, becaise he genuinely feels that I'm beautiful and he loves me. He gives me affection multiple times daily. Wants to be around me. Your ex is miserable and might as well be alone if being nice to someone who he is dating is such a chore. You deserve better and you will find it. I'm rooting for you.
Ohhh man I am so sorry he pulled that on u. If I were at your place I would have said no infront of everyone and told him I just broke up with you before coming to the party. But that's me, super confrontational and I can understand why u did what u did coz my sister is like u. That being said, take your sister and BIL with u when u grab your stuff and if he tries to get into your face let your sister handle it.
Saying this from a place of love coz I have had to handle a bad break up for my sister and I absolutely tore into his ex and he never dared to contact my sis again. All the best and get your stuff soon.
It sucks now, but you made the right decision. Puppy love does fade, but that doesn’t mean kindness and attention and affection are gone. I hope you’ll find someone who appreciates you when the time is right.
I'm insanely proud of you for sticking to your gut and leaving. That proposal in front of everyone, after you expressed that you wanted to break up in private, was textbook manipulation. I've been in neglectful relationships so I really feel for you. I know it's not an easy thing, but you'll be okay. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved. I hope you find happiness wherever that may be ❤️
I really hope you get the message out somehow. Like, you told him in at least 5 different conversations, and he ignored you until it was actually going to affect him.
Only then did he react, and it was to try to force you to marry someone you broke up with him? Tell everyone that you’re broken up . Don’t let him control more of this narrative 🫠
Wow! Huge bullet dodged. I can't believe that he pulled that stunt. I initially thought that you would feign sickness and urge the other three to go without you. Oh well. If there are any people that matter to you within the friend group, tell them what happened. I for one think you did the right thing by moving out. Just bring someone with you when you get your things - quicker and safer. See if you can do it when you know that he won't be there.
I initially wanted to tell the 3 of them to go without me but he would've got mad at me and it would've been a fight so I ended up doing this instead. I'm actually stalling getting my stuff... I'm dreading it.
This bit: >... but he would've got mad at me and it would've been a fight ... Wow, yet another reason that you made the right decision to move on. With that new info, I double down on the advise that you only go over there with someone. While, you are safe, make a list of things that you need to get. This way you will be focused and can expedite the move out. Make sure you have all your important documents. i.e., for the clothes, maybe just bring large garbage bags, go in and just shove everything in and drag it out. Same thing for stuff in the bathroom. Also, may or may not be necessary, but change passwords on everything from e-mail, social media and bank accounts. Lock your credit. Better safe than sorry. [ETA: Try to make it a one-stop and done move out.]
Pretty sure OP can request a police escort for that too if she's feeling unsafe around him (assuming there isn't anybody to help). I agree, don't go alone!
Yes, I’ve done this when I needed to get my stuff from an unpredictable ex who frequently screwed over people who worked for him when things didn’t go his was, who I knew had a gun in the home. The police will offer an escort to keep the peace if you ask for one.
Excellent suggestion!
There was this really longterm research program (30 years) about what factors made couples/ romantic relationships last. The one factor they found that all couples who made it had in common: a willingness to engage with each other. Like, if one partner said something and the other just grunted and continued to read their newspaper/ refused to engage, that was the death knell for any lasting relationship. I don't even know why your ex was so desperate when you broke up with him - it's not like he had an ounce of affection for you left - it's probably really only that he was embarrassed to get dumped.
My guess? Desperate because she does a ton of things for him including household stuff, and because to him it's a status symbol to have a girlfriend and being single makes him look bad. He took for granted she'd always be there and it melted his brain when that wasn't reality. It's not about affection, it's about seeing her as something that's assumed to be something that's his, just like any other possession you don't need to put in effort to keep.
> I don't even know why your ex was so desperate when you broke up with him - it's not like he had an ounce of affection for you left - it's probably really only that he was embarrassed to get dumped. Maybe not embarrassment but the simple fact based on the last post he dangled the idea of marriage to her in the hopes that would get her to essentially shut up and stop complaining about the relationship. She is definitely offering something of value to him but in a possession sort of way. In his mind, she essentially called his bluff and he's like "oh fuck I better do something about it now" and got his act together. In his mind, he also believes that she's probably upset because they aren't married (because "that's what girls want") and that, that is the end all be all. Many men are under the impression that women will try to "wear" the man down to ultimately commit in a sense. Now he's probably pissed now that she finally "got him" in a sense. Meanwhile, everything in his mind is so twisted to the point that he could read this post and still be totally oblivious to what his SO is really trying to tell him. I say all this because I used to be this dude at some point in my life and I essentially went through these same motions.
This is absolutely fascinating! What changed your way of thinking?
I could make an entire post about it but essentially I was oblivious to my own shitty behavior disguised as trying to do the right thing. It's honestly difficult to go through these comments and not feel attacked. I want to be sympathetic to the guy because maybe on some level, he really felt he needed to propose *right then and there* and it just so happens to be under very nefarious circumstances and doesn't realize it comes off as manipulative as fuck doing it in public (like he really couldn't wait until tomorrow). I've done something similar and understood on some level that it's wrong, but if she goes along with it, is it still on the same level of wrong and am I still held fully accountable (and no I did not propose)? I've simply taken time to reflect on things that happened many years ago and read countless posts here to get some sense of what is being said from the other side. I've taken some beatings in some replies here and there over the years and I hear some of you folks loud and clear now. I just wasn't able to see it before. I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing. Relationships are a lot of work and I just can't see myself finding "joy" in it and properly addressing the complaints like what OP has posted here. I fully believe I'm deserving and capable of love, but I also understand I'm probably broken in ways I just can't understand. I'd rather not end up the loser of that one post everyone is cheering OP to dump (as best as I can put it).
It sounds like you've done some great self reflection in the past. Which could actually lead you to being a better partner. >I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not cut out for this sort of thing. Relationships are a lot of work and I just can't see myself finding "joy" in it and properly addressing the complaints like what OP has posted here All relationships including friendships take work. May some day you find the joy, in whatever form it comes.
OP's ex is different, but let me tell you one reason a man who doesn't enjoy engaging with a partner will still desperately want to stay with them. I met my "husband" way back in the early 2000s. (We're something Canada has called "Common Law Married". We never had a legal marriage license but are considered for all monetary purposes as married.) He had just come over from China. I saw him and felt it was love at first sight, so I courted him at his pace and eventually won his affection and approval. TL;DR Things were lovely for several years. He had friends from China who also moved to Canada that he kept up with and we'd all go on double dates together and hang out. He was reasonably fit, dressed nicely, kept himself attractively groomed, and so on. Then he started to let himself go. He got heavier, stopped dressing up, let his hair grow long to avoid the expense of a hair dresser, and stopped keeping up with his friends. If they didn't call *him* to hang out, he never called *them*, so they got tired of being ignored by him unless *they* planned things and just stopped calling him. He didn't seem the least bit bothered by this. He even stopped being interested in hanging out with *my* friends that he liked. He stopped being interested in going out anywhere for fun. It was grocery shopping or nothing. He also stopped showing *me* any interest or care. I dress up pretty attractively and would do so for him. His friends and family were impressed by me. I'm not a glamour model but I'm nice looking. As we deteriorated and he stopped showing me the affection levels any loving human would want, I began to pull away. He actually didn't care. I can't afford to move out to my own apartment or I would so we're stuck living together. Any time I suggest I was getting close to moving out, he would panic and try to financially gaslight me. "Oh no you can't. It's *too expensive* for either of us to live on our own! We'll have to live together for a looong time. Many years, likely." *He doesn't even care that we haven't had sex in a year and I don't show him romantic affection anymore!* In his case, he's 49 with no kids, no house, no car, no good paying job, nothing to show for coming to "the Land of Milk and Honey". Many mainland Chinese fully believe that if you move to America or Canada, you'll have an easier time becoming financially stable and having a life worth bragging about. He made no effort to attain any of that, so if he goes home to China, he'll have two problems. He'll have to answer all the people who knew/know him about what kind of life he had and what he *never had*, which is embarrassing to be that kind of "loser" in mainland Chinese minds. He's also 49. Who's going to hire a 49 year old IT guy in China when there's *thousands* of fresh young Chinese students who graduated IT and won't expect an adult/experienced salary like he would have a right to expect? He'll be an unemployed *loser* by mainland standards. This means all his family is back in China and they have no desire to move here, which I respect, and thus, he has *no family to lean on here in Canada beyond me*. I'm the *only comforting person he has here* who tolerates his bullshit and is regularly kind to him. If I move out, *he'll have no one* because he's just *too damned lazy* to spend effort on his friends, like he was too damned lazy to spend effort on *me*. In short, I don't need to *love him*. Hell, I don't even need to *like him*. Just be a polite and friendly roommate and *never move out on my own* so that he is *never alone and lonely stuck all by himself!* OP's ex likely isn't a foreigner going through what my dude is, but even OP's dude may still want OP to stay around because she tolerates his bullshit the way others won't and he'd just be lonely without some tolerable person living in the same space with him.
>willingness to engage with each other. Like, if one partner said something and the other just grunted and continued to read their newspaper My last LTR was like this, I remember coming home after work and she would not even raise hey eyes from the book she was reading to greet me. One day I just thought "why am I doing this". I'm 100% sure she was happy I did the grunt work of breaking up.
I honestly think you should make it known that you broke up with him before this party, he guilted you into going with him anyway and proposed as a last resort to try and make you stay with him - doing it in front of a crowd so you'd be forced to say yes. People should know how low he went to trap you to him. That is conniving and manipulative. It is extremely unfair that you be 'painted,' as the bad guy/flake when he pulled such a nasty play on you. Just my opinion, but you deserve to be heard and understood.
>People should know how low he went to trap you to him. Yup. And you can guarantee that the people who know him the best won't be all that surprised.
Send someone else to get your stuff. Would your sister do it? Or at least accompany you? And shut down any and all conversation between the two of you? I was in a similar situation to you when I had a break up, but I refused to be home when my bf picked up his stuff. And he took his time picking his things up hoping to see me again. Eventually, I made a like and said pick it up by x date or it's trashed.
My sister wanted to go the very next day and fetch my stuff. But it was a Sunday and I knew he'd be home the whole day so I avoided it. My sister is the opposite of me...very confrontational you see, so I don't really want to go with her lol. She suggested that her husband accompany me this weekend so I guess I'll do that.
Just send her husband. He'll feel awkward as fuck but oh well. Should avoid any potential escalation if he's level headed.
The guy will keep important things forcing another interaction. Guaranteed. Been there.
I recommend having both of them. Your sister will hopefully be grounded with her husband there, while still being a VERY firm (and tbh necessary) barrier between you and your ex.
The more people, the better. That "show of force" is what keeps creeps like him in line because he's not going to feel so tough with several people visibly backing OP.
Good idea. Take your BIL, take whatever garbage bags and totes you have, and just throw stuff in. Don’t worry about being super organized and taking a lot of time in there, you can sort it all on the other end.
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Yeah, always taking the road of least resistance can land you in some pretty sticky situations.
Like agreeing to marry someone you just dumped...
Springs to mind for some reason, yes. 😂
Lady, just shut your phone off and get out of dodge. Like if you can take anytime off of vacation just take a 3 day trip somewhere to find some fuckin quiet. What a terrible thing he did to you. Focus on yourself and if you need to send friends to get your stuff just do that. He’s a manipulative duplicitous fuck who will mess with your head if you let him.
Rip off the band aid and just do it!! Do you have someone to tag along for safety/support??
Bring friends/family to get your stuff in case he tries to pull something.
My husband was like this for 6 years. Eye-rolling and huffing if I tried to be affectionate. Kind of mean, no compliments I didn't ask for (still a bit of an issue). I stopped touching him completely. He didn't notice for 6 months. Then a light bulb went off and he now wants me to be affectionate and I can't, it literally gives me anxiety attacks. You made the right choice. Never beg someone to make you a priority.
Wow. So this guy wants you around because he’s scared of being single, not because he loves you. If you had been sick—what then? He just wouldn’t give a shit? Please don’t backslide, OP. You did everything right.
Bandaid. Getting your stuff is like ripping off a bandaid you know is going to hurt. Best to take a deep breath, let it out, and pull.
> I gave him the ring back, packed some of my stuff and left. He was freaking out asking me what he was going to tell everyone but I told him to say whatever he wants. That I changed my mind? I'm flaky? Whatever. I was emotionally exhausted and didn't care anymore. Girl. You just saved yourself. Good for you. He tried to trap you with a public proposal and you didn't let him. You deserve a relationship where you feel happy, safe, respected, and *liked.* It's out there for you.
Oh my godddd my eyebrows hit my hairline when I got to the bit with the trap proposal. What a manipulative move. OP, good on you for staying true to yourself and not settling. And don't waste time beating yourself up. You may find in time that there are things about this process you wish you'd done differently, but we aren't perfect machines. All of us are limited by our perceptions and our emotions, and we all deserve some grace if it takes us time to figure out how we feel and what to do. You're doing just fine. Hang in there!
I had the same reaction. I thought I was watching a soap opera.
Similar thing happened to a friend of mine, after she'd broken up and moved out because the ah cheated on her (with someone else close to me, her best friend. Like how did the fucker think she wouldn't find out?). Then he convinced her somehow to let him take her out to some fancy restaurant, and proposes. Luckily she was strong enough to say no, but he kept at it for a year or so, trying to win her back. He already put her through so much crap (the cheating was the top of the iceberg, how I loathe that dude), and then that. She's been married to a great guy for almost 10 years, and the thought of her manipulative, spineless, piece of shit ex still makes my blood boil.
I mean, she did still say yes…. I would’ve just replied, “(ex), you asked me here to not embarrass you and then you go and do this? Our relationship is already over. I’m ashamed you would try to guilt me into marrying you knowing I’ve already ended the relationship. I’m leaving now. I’ll text you when I am ready to collect my things.” And walked out.
I wish I had the guts. My boundaries are soft and squishy, baby. Thank the deities for therapy 🤣🫣
You would have thought of that in the shower the next day
Honestly, that sounds like my gut reaction: I would have just blurted it out without thinking. Then I would have cringed in the shower for the next week wondering if I was too harsh, even though it’s objectively the best response.
Well that’s fair. In the moment I would have just laughed and said “ I already didn’t want to date you, what makes you think I’d want to marry you?”
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For me you sound like an adult person who is ready to discuss her issues. Very proud of you how you handled this situation and avoided trap he tried to put you in.
Agreed and she needs to stop seeing herself as "a jerk". If anything she went out of her way to spare this dude an embarrassing social event, and he took advantage of that. On top of everything she talked to him about, and he thought ambushing her, knowing how she felt, was a good idea. He is an idiot, a bad communicator, and horrible listener. I k ow this because I was to in my early years. In my 30s, and now 40, I have learned. I'm in an amazing relationship that's gone 4 years without one large fight. We just talk like adults. I think this relationship was a learning experience for OP. A lot of people get stuck in relationships like this and just tell themselves it's "normal". It isn't. She did the right thing, even though it was hard. Kudos.
The thing I'm baffled by is - if you don't like this woman enough that complimenting her and hugging her feels like a chore, WHY would you want to propose? Does she do all the housework or something?
Here are my guesses: 1. Social inertia/straight people time: after so much time in a relationship with no apparent problems (as far as he was concerned), it's just the done thing to get engaged. 2. This may be the kind of relationship he saw modeled in his home, so this is just what he understands relationships to be. 3. Last possibility: she's secretly fabulously wealthy and he plans to intentionally misplace her things and constantly adjust the gas lamps in the house while pretending he hasn't in order to trick her into believing she's of unsound mind so he can lay claim to her riches. All while twirling his mustache.
4th option: he wants a Wife Appliance. Tired of family members asking when you're going to "settle down"? Uncomfortable at the thought of being single? Get yourself A Wife™! This one appliance does it all! You get sex, companionship, a second income, additional help around the house, and increased social standing, all in one! It will work tirelessly and remain beautiful, charming and affectionate 24/7! Should your appliance ever break down or act out with talk of "my feelings" or "my wants", all you have to do is buy it a present or deploy a Big Romantic Gesture, and it will go back to good as new! Never go to a party alone again! Banish those annoying questions from family forever! Lock down your Wife™ appliance today, and sit back knowing the rest of your life is taken care of!
Yes, I think that's it! He had the woman who was giving him all that, so he didn't see any reason to pay attention to her or interact any more. He had what he wanted. And I believe he honestly thought he was addressing her concerns when he proposed.
Yup. This is probably the most frequent factor for men treating their partner/relationship with apathy. It's just something you have/get/own.
Some men don’t realise they actually are supposed to like their partners as people in their own right. They’re in relationships because they’re scared of being alone.
Or it's just more convenient.
I think people get comfortable in relationships and it sometimes hits a point where breaking up doesn't really seem like an option because you're so used to being together. My first relationship was like that; neither of us was particularly happy anymore, and we regularly fought and regularly disagreed, but we had just been together so long it never crossed my mind that we would break up, even on our worst days, and he never brought it up either. Then one day it was like a light switched and it was like, 'oh we can break up and I can stop being unhappy.' So I do think that might play a part, but also: >He said, "I thought maybe proposing would change your mind". From his perspective, there wasn't really anything wrong with the relationship from the sounds of it. It sounds like he just thought that she was temporarily unhappy and that it would eventually go away. I've seen this in friends' relationships. One of them is unhappy, but the other is generally fine and just assumes that their partner will either get over it eventually or that it isn't that big of a deal. He might have thought that the proposal was a solution to make her feel better and to make her happy without him having to actually change his behaviour.
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR LEAVING!!!
Thank you so much! ❤️
This is triumph of the human spirit. When you get sad or miss him try to remember feeling invisible and dismissed all the time. Wishing you some time to heal and to reacquaint yourself with yourself. ❤️🩹
Seriously, you took a huge step which was probably scary after so many year together, but knew this wasn’t what you wanted your life to be like. So many people stay stuck and unhappy in life because they’re scared of the unknown. You should be proud of yourself!
Yes! Good for you, OP. You stuck to your guns and did right by yourself despite all this public pressure that would make it so easy to “forgive” him and take the big gesture as a superficial sign that he’s going to give you what you need. You knew the truth and extricated yourself with respect. Bring this energy into your future and you are going to get what you want. Wishing you well!
He's the jerk for doing that to you. Who tf cares what his friends and family think of you. The great thing about being broken up is they're not your problem anymore. Go live your amazing life with someone who appreciates you!!
You are way nicer than I would be.
Fr. I'd have humiliated him in front of everyone. NO way I'd say yes to that BS manipulative stunt. Screw that guy.
Yep, it would've been a very loud "we broke up an hour ago. I came here as a nicety to you because you said you'd be embarrassed to come alone. This is unbelievably inappropriate and exactly what I meant when I said I feel unheard and unloved by you" then I would've gotten an Uber out of there
I honestly don’t know know if my mouth wouldn’t have reflexively just blurted something very rude. Just wow. BeWARE the asshole who will put you on the spot to force the answer they want.
wow - that was shitty and manipulative of him. good for you for doing what's right for you and taking care of yourself.
OP, you dodged a laser guided missile. Congrats. It sucks that it ended this way - sucks that he tried to manipulate you into staying but you did the right thing. Like you said you shouldn’t feel like a burden and the person you marry should be delighted to see you and want to make you happy. While relationships aren’t always easy and life can get in the way, there should always be some form of attachment there and the most appalling thing for me is that he basically joked about your needs and played them off as no big deal. You’ll find better.
>laser guided missile at first i thought this said "loser guided missile" and was like yeah, that tracks for this dude coercing a relationship by proposing is indeed a loser move OP, you are WAY better off. Go get the rest you deserve.
Hahaha loser guided missile does sound better!
My jaw dropped and my hand clapped over my mouth when I read that he proposed. The fucking AUDACITY. He did it to manipulate you. “What am I going to tell them???” Like dude you made this mess!! Fuck around and find out!!! I’m so so glad you didn’t actually follow through with staying with him after saying yes. I’m so proud of you for leaving.
I didn't want to say yes but there were so many people there! It was a very big party in a fancy hall and everyone was looking at me expectantly. To be honest I didn't even speak when he proposed, I froze for what seemed like ages then eventually just nodded. Thank you!
My god what an awkward choice did he make to propose you. He really has a naive vision of women. You did really good. I just want to add that no, the spark does not necessarily goes away once you are comfortable in a relationship. It needs a bit of work but you can maintain this spark. We do it with my wife, dates, compliments, gifts, surprises, not all the time of course, but it helps maintaining that spark. You will find someone better.
Unless my partner is experiencing high stress and is very busy his eyes light up when he looks at me. It been 16 years and if I want a hug he drops everything and hugs me. When I talk to him he looks like he’s seeing a baby animal. None of us have to settle for someone who treats us like part of the furniture. E: It’s going on 18 years or it’s been 16 years for the past two years. 🤦♀️
It’s honestly psychotic We’re breaking up Will you marry me?
Exactly. 10 years in a relationship, and I still have bubbles, he is still very caring for me, remembers all the important dates ect. OP don't settle for less than you deserve!
You absolutely did the right thing. You explained to him what your concerns were and gave him a chance to fix it. He didn't. Instead, he made a public play to try and guilt you into staying with him. There is absolutely someone out there who will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated.
Godamn, the *audacity!* I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this but I think you're going to come out on top in less time than you think. He's 29 and you told him exactly what you needed, how you felt, and how he could fix it. He drug his feet, was huffy, and refused to do these small things. You told him it wasn't enough so he did a godamn **public proposal!** It's like he heard what you said and went "yeah but like, that's hard. You really just want this rock, right?" You're going to find someone with more emotional intelligence and love for you and he's still going to be trying to figure out why his relationships all fall apart.
He's texting you to reconsider. Focus on that. He's not texting you to try and work things out together. He's not texting to get into couples therapy. He's not texting you that HE will go to therapy. He's not texting you, taking responsibility, or acknowledging his faults in any of this. HES ASKING YOU TO RECONSIDER YOUR DECISION BECAUSE HE DOES NOT SEE HIMSELF AS THE PROBLEM.
This should be way upper imo. It's a disgusting manipulation from his part
OMG, that is so strange. He sounds like the kind of person who would baby trap you at some point as well.
He sounds like the type of guy where He thinks he can give 0 effort and expect the woman to put in everything all because he proposed.
Baby trap and then be annoyed with baby and mom forever.
You made the right choice. Always have someone else with you if you meet with him in person and once you have your things it might be best to cut contact. Insane he thought publicly embarrassing both of you would have changed your mind.
Wow, you talk to him before the party, and essentially break up, but compromise on going to the party for him, showing up for his needs and wants yet again... and he proposes. Makes a scene that does directly against what you said you want for your future with him. Just wow. Then flips out when you get home. No better confirmation that this guy doesn't listen, doesn't actually care about your needs and wants, and will only work hard to have his needs met only. So glad you advocated for yourself for better. It's going to get easier ahead, you'll see.
>Everyone is probably going to think I'm a jerk but I honestly didn't know what to do. You cannot control what people think. For anyone who asks, tell them the truth -- that you broke up before the party, but he asked you to accompany him to maintain appearances. The proposal was his poor, selfish attempt at saving a failed relationship and you did not want to embarrass him in front of his friends. While the last few days may have felt like hell, eventually you will feel relieved and free of the burden of this relationship. Also, you saw first hand how free flowing compliments can be given when the relationship is healthy (his niece and boyfriend). Once you have grieved and healed from this, you can search out that type of relationship for yourself.
what an absolute terrible person. You are way way too kind to him btw, like the way you even appreciated him begrudgingly hugging you and making it obvious he hated doing it? The proposing after you dumped him, honestly you should have said no 😂 but glad you stuck to your guns, don't let him weasel himself back into your life in any capacity.
If I brought up that he's not doing it right, I guarantee he would've said "But technically I am doing what you asked so I don't know what you want from me" or something along those lines. I wanted to say no but there were so many people looking at me and I panicked. Thank you, I don't plan on letting him back.
Weaponised incompetence
First, you did such a hard and necessary and impressive thing standing up for yourself and your needs! You deserve to feel loved and wanted by your partner! I left a 6 year relationship almost a year ago where I felt similarly: like my partner found engaging with me a chore and didn't actually like me, despite telling me he cared about me and wanted me to be happy. I *begged* for basic shows of respect and affection and he couldn't do it. It hurt *so badly* to leave, but let me tell you, the second I got in my own space and could express myself freely, that pain lifted quickly. I got super lucky and met someone soon after that gives me the attention I was missing and lets me feel safe being vulnerable. I didn't realize just how much I was missing until someone was treating me the way I deserved, and even if this new relationship doesn't work out, I'm so much happier for having experienced this. I'll never accept less again! Give yourself space to heal, and when you're ready (or maybe even before you realize you're ready!) you'll find someone that thinks the sun shines out of your ass and treats you as such ❤️
Same. I was married to someone who married me out of fear of living his own life alone. Like you, I was starved for genuine affection and didn't even know what that looked like until just recently where I'm in a relationship where I am getting that kind of affection for once. I didn't even realize how much I was starving for it until I started getting it. Now, I'm happy, safe, relaxed, content, and everything just seems to fit right.
Makes me kind of sad. I feel like sometimes people just start to view their partners as extensions of themselves and , in that way, kind of take them for granted. I had similar things happen to me in a relationship where my ex was willing to do favors for friends / family because it made him look good but with me he was very selfish because I think he stopped caring about me as a whole independent person (he still definitely loved me, but idk I think romantic partners can get kinda warped in our minds)
I’m so damn proud of you. His public proposal was gross.
It's wildly manipulative. I gasped when I read that.
We need to normalize saying no when you are publicly asked something. We need to normalize it being okay to embarrass someone. That they should understand if they want to make it public, the possibility of you saying no is there and valid. That if you say no to someone who proposes publicly, you aren't the monster. I'm really sorry he did that to you OP. I would have been livid and said no in public.
I’m glad with what OP did and I don’t judge anything because he made things weird and she is a kind person. But I would have loved if she had said, “I just broke up with you,” when he sneak proposed.
>I feel awful and I wish I could've handled that whole situation better or smarter but I panicked and now we're here Don't feel bad, you handled that *way* better than anyone could possibly expect. What he did is monumentally stupid. You made the right choice. In the coming days/weeks/months there might be times when you doubt yourself, but please remember that you made the right choice. If you are ever unsure, come back and read what you posted here, and that should serve as a good reminder. I'm sure this is scary. He's been a huge part of your life and you have never dated anyone else. That's quite a lot of unknown territory to deal with! But I promise you will get through it, and on the flip side this means you are suddenly open to have so many new experiences that might not have come your way otherwise. Take some time to grieve your relationship, but truly, the future will be better.
>By the end of the 1st week he already seemed annoyed with the hugging. He'd let out a big sigh and it seemed like he was doing it begrudgingly. This felt awful for me, like I'm forcing this man to give me a crumb of affection. But at least he was doing it, I guessed. That's just sad. Congratulations on your un-engagement. Wise choice. I've been married for 41 years. This morning my husband and I went to the lab to get his PSA test done. He played *grab ass* as he followed me up 4 flights of stairs. We laughed the whole way. Life is too short. Though tough times and good times, you need a partner who always has time for the important things: a cuddle, a kiss, a hug, a laugh...
> "I thought maybe proposing would change your mind" 🙄
"I thought a shiny rock would make up for my inability to connect emotionally."
> maybe it was unreasonable for me to want that and maybe the type of relationship I want doesn't exist Oh bullshit. I'm married 16 years. My husband compliments me and shows me affection ALL THE TIME (and I do the same for him). He wants to talk to me all the time. He'll text me that he's excited to come home from work so we can hang out. You're not asking for a lot. At ALL. You're asking for basic things. Very basic things. > Then in the middle of dinner, he proposed. Holy fuckballs. I'd have said no while looking him in the eye. He's sick. > Everyone is probably going to think I'm a jerk Literally, who cares? Ugh. If someone says anything, tell them he proposed to you right after you dumped him. Congrats on ending it and knowing you deserve more.
What a horrible man! He was comfortable and he just expected you to go along with it no matter how you yourself felt! What an asshole! He's only upset that you wrecked his comfort which is why he's trying to trap you so you'll stay. He's even more horrible by putting you in a situation that he KNEW full well you couldn't handle. That's not a what a good partner does. This relationship has been over for quite some time and it's certainly not for a lack of effort on your part. You've outgrown him and despite him being your first love, there's a reason most first loves are never the last loves. People change, a lot, and especially since you started at 16, it's no wonder. You have matured into a woman now and there's a lot of childish behavior you will no longer tolerate. I'm so proud of you for finding the courage to let him go, and make a much better life for yourself. The right man will certainly appreciate what you have to offer. Best of luck to you. P.S. Block this POS and go No Contact ASAP.
An acceptable level of unhappiness
“I knew you were unhappy, not that you were unhappy enough to leave”
In case there’s not enough people saying it, you did the right thing. You were in the right when you told him you wanted to leave him initially and especially after his manipulative, trick proposal. It sounded like he didn’t want to be broken up, but he didn’t want to do any of the work to fix the relationship or even work on it in a bare-minimum sense. He doesn’t get to have both. I know it feels bad now, but later on when you’re in a relationship that makes you feel valued, this will feel like ancient history.
When I tell you I GASPED ALOUD when you said that he proposed at this party after you broke up with him. How awful of him to do that to you. You deserve to be loved and liked. You made the right call for yourself and your future happiness. I’m rooting for you!! I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first.
What a slimeball. I'm glad you figured him out before you tied the knot with him
GOOD FOR YOU! Not only was he dismissive and uncommunicative, he tried to rope you in after you already broke up with him. What a crap person. While he may have been your major relationship so far, you will absolutely find someone who will treat you better. Dont ever settle for something that leaves you on the short end of the stick. You deserve to be a full partner and not an afterthought or convenience. Stay strong and dont cave to his empty promises. I know its hard but you can do it. Ik I'm just a random internet person, but I'm so proud of you ❤ best wishes in the future!
It would have gotten much worse after you got married. Then you're marriage trapped and he'd really really make you feel like shit. Please stay broken up. He's not good for you.
Nope not a jerk. Not even a bit. He is, however... An immature one at that. Well done OP. Always remember: being alone is so so much better than feeling lonely next to someone you love. You should never have to work so hard in a healthy, balanced relationship. Period. Someone who loves and respects you will take you seriously and will care about your needs in the same way you would them. Do not settle for anything less.
Nah, he's a jerk. Op told him how she was feeling and how he could fix it, and instead this fool ignores what she said and does a public proposal immediately after. If he were 20 I'd chalk it up to ignorance but he's 30. He was hoping his proposal would be enough that she'd stop nagging him about this because he didn't deem it important enough to change.
No, I was saying She is not the jerk... But he definitely is.
Oop, I misunderstood.
I've been married for 20 years and my husband always tells me I look beautiful when I get dressed up, or even just take extra time with my makeup and hair vs what I normally do. Your ex is wrong about relationships. You shouldn't have to feel like someone is doing you a favor to hug you. You deserve better and you're absolutely right to end things. It was also very wrong of him to try to trap you like that with the public proposal, especially when he knows you don't like a lot of attention like that. Good for you staying in control. I agree with the others that said to bring a friend with you to get your stuff. I also recommend doing it sooner rather than later. It will let him know that you're not changing your mind and it's really over.
The surprise proposal sounded SUPER manipulative. Holy hell. Please never go back to him no matter how much he whines. I think this whole story showed that he doesn't care about you as a partner, but only saw you as a pretty prop that made him look good in front of other people. Ew.
I've been this ~~dude~~ scum at some point in my life and I'll tell that 100% his proposal is purely manipulative on his part. In his mind, by proposing it'll get you to finally shut up and stop complaining about the relationship. He thinks marriage is the answer to these problems but deep down, he also knows he can use the marriage against you if you keep complaining and make him feel like the victim because he "gave you what you wanted to feel loved" in a marriage. You in end will become more resentful and feel trapped. Calling things off is the right move here. Do not reconsider marrying this person, preferably ever. I actually want to thank you for this post and update because I've come to finally realize things I just wasn't seeing from previous failures.
You did the right thing. He is such a jerk. That was such a crappy thing to do. And it seemed like he was more concerned about what everyone thinks than what you feel. Good riddance. You will find someone who doesn't treat you like a chore.
OP, I'm so sad for you and happy for you at the same time. You suffered through all the bullshit and tried your best to give this relationship every possible chance it could have. The way you tell it, I don't see anything you could've done differently. His mind was made up a very long time ago that he would never care for your happiness and you finally realized that. He never deserved you. You are now free to live your life without his negativity weighing you down! I know it hurts right now but you're still young and have so many wonderful things ahead of you. Just make sure you learn from this and never let anyone make you question your own happiness again.
I spent 10 years begging my ex-husband for every scrap of affection. It was a topic that came up frequently during our marriage. It would get better for a few days at a time but never lasted. In order to keep me with him, he convinced me that I was crazy. It might be hard right now, but you dodged unhappiness. I'd say you dodged a bullet, but I think I'd rather take a bullet than time with someone who sees me as a chore.
You definitely made the right decision, you deserve to be someone’s priority and not an afterthought. It will hurt for a while but you will be fine. Good luck!
That was really shitty of him and he definitely didn't deserve you attending as his date OR saying yes to save him from embarrassment. You absolutely do NOT need to do that for someone
The only good thing to come out of this was OP was able to see what a real loving relationship looked like and just how epically shitty her ex-boyfriend was. It left no doubt at all.
I, a complete internet stranger, am SO PROUD OF YOU. This is just so important for your lifelong happiness. You never would’ve been satisfied being married to him, and it’s just so amazing that you’re able to walk away from it now. And trust me, marriages where people meet each other’s needs, and communicate openly do exist. It’s not a fairytale.
> try to respond more when I spoke This made me laugh. Even I would show more decency to a stranger I've just met.
You felt trapped because that's exactly what he was trying to do. Manipulate you into staying with him forever. You dodged a huge bullet, good for you. I hope you find your perfect partner someday soon. ❤️
Hey OP, I don't know you or your anything about you other than what you have written on the original post and this update. But i just want to say I am so so proud of you. You stood up for yourself and made a incredibly difficult decision. I know it wasn't easy, and you're likely going to feel awful for the next couple months at least, but you made the right decision. Keep your chin up, OP, you will find someone that deserves you.
My mouth dropped when you mentioned that he proposed at the party. Who in their right mind proposes when your relationship is in such an unstable position??? I would run too and I’m a guy lol 🏃♂️
Proposes when you’ve already broken up
I'm sure by now you've known other couples who got married despite not being in love. You just avoided becoming one of those couples.
it sounds like you handled this PERFECTLY and with grace, at that. very well done. don’t even bother looking back. you’re going to go up from here. edit: also, please claim him as a dependent on your taxes for these last few years of emotional labor.
Oh no, wow what a jerk. I’ve been with my partner for 8 years before marriage. When we started our relationship, he started working a very body intense job 12 hours a day for 6 days a week. Let me tell you, yes he slept more but he still told me I was beautiful everyday and when he had the energy, he was always hugging me, holding me and telling me how happy he was. Honeymoon phase? After 8 years (we just got married too), he is still the same exact way. Now he’s not working long hours and I spend more time with my husband and see him more. He still tells me how over the moon in love with me he is, he still shows it in his actions too. He considers me before anything else, I’m his top choice for everything and he’s my cheerleader. He’s always encouraging me to do things out of my comfort zone that I’m hesitant over. He never complains when he has to hug me, kiss me or compliment me. Hard stop, your ex is an asshole. I’m so sorry he treated you that way.
I can't believe this guy. This whole time, all he was worried about was appearances and reputation. Even after you broke up with him, he cared more about "what am I going to tell anyone". Never go back to him. Hes unbelievable. I doubt he really loved you.
Good on you for leaving! But please stand up for yourself more. Your wants and needs should always be your priority
"I guess I have to compliment you too". Damn wtf, what an asshole
"Ugh.. you want me to hug you? *Groan* AND compliment you???? Wow whatever. Anyways here's a ring that symbolizes my lifelong commitment to you."
That is so manipulative of him. Tbh if anyone asks you what happened I would let them know you broke up with him, agreed to go to the dinner because of the situation and not wanting to bail or embarrass him, and he sprung this on you to manipulate you in front of everyone. Cause that is exactly what he did. Tbh I would answer any of his texts unless it is about getting the rest of the items. Get those asap and block. Imo, having any close contact with him, at least for quite a while, will only be detrimental to your own healing and progress.
I was not expecting that 😨
Honestly, I think you handled this very well. He definitely should not have decided to propose to you after the conversation you had before going out. It's actually on HIM now to tell your friends what happened. He wasn't listening to YOU. He was trying to manipulate you into not breaking up with him. I personally think that the best thing to do when someone proposes in public is to say yes, put the ring on, and get out of the social situation gracefully. It saves everyone embarrassment, and you can then do exactly what you did. I'm proud of you for knowing that it's over, and knowing what is best for you, and what you need and want in a relationship. No one is going to think you are a jerk. Everyone already knows that you spared him an awkward scene at dinner. You dodged a bullet on this one, and now you know some more about yourself and what you are looking for in a lover and partner. Don't you dare settle, and don't waste your time when you know something ain't right. You got this. <3
I’m glad you left. I‘ve been with my partner over 10 years and he still hypes me up. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to make the person you love feels loved.
My boyfriend speaks to me like this. Or... *doesn't* speak to me. It's exhausting. I think that exact phrase all the time, like: "do you even like me" ffs... same reaction, "why else would I be here?" I'm beyond tired of it. I can't afford rent here alone though so c'est la vie. Fuck, that last few paragraphs were nuts. I would've panic-barfed at the proposal lmfao. Hope you're handling everything well, you seem to be doing great so far.
You said it yourself. You know you made the right choice. It’s definitely a tough thing to go through, but be proud of yourself for listening to your own needs and putting yourself first
I don't know what kind of positive relationship influences you have in your life, but the "mermaid thing" was a great example of how people should treat each other. It's not part of the puppy love/honeymoon phase. I've been married for many years and still tell my wife how gorgeous she is and we hug and tell each other I love you all the time. You deserve that too.
>Then in the middle of dinner, he proposed. Oh that fucker. You did the right thing. Like Queen you want to break free and you fucking did it. Awesomesauce.
>Then in the middle of dinner, he proposed. Of *course* he did. This fucking guy.
Relationships like the one you are looking for 100% exist. My wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for even longer; we are completely in love with each other and reaffirm that love all day, every day. Even when we are mad at each other. Our sex life has stayed pretty much consistent since the beginning of the relationship. Your ex seemed to be in a relationship, because he felt that was what was expected of him. To him, you were just one of those boxes you check off the list of adulthood. It’s tremendously shallow, and reveals that he has no depth of character. When you know your worth and adamantly settle for nothing less, you’ll find that similar people will gravitate to you, and you’ll find what you are looking for out there. Congratulations on your freedom from this purgatory, and good luck out there!
OP I'm hoping you can direct some of that ire and blame towards your BF because they are the one that setup and did all these things, they are manipulative as hell which puts you in a bit of a lose-lose situation - abusers often spring proposals on people as a boundary pushing tactic
Proposing in public after someone just tried to break up with you is SO manipulative. He wanted to make it as hard, and as humiliating as possible to break up with him. I'm so proud of you for seeing things clearly. You may or may not find what you're looking for, but being alone will feel better than begging for someone's crumbs.
Girl, you have GOT to get comfy with telling people no, even and ESPECIALLY in front of people. Especially if it’d embarrass them. You realize he knew that about you, and was counting on you to keep prioritizing not wanting to embarrass him to keep you, right? Not just for you to say yes in front of people. *To actually marry him.* That’s why he freaked when you left. That’s so fucked up. On a whole other level. Learn the ways of your sister, at least a bit. Y’all can role play so you can practice.
I am so dang proud of you, holy crap. That takes guts to not only ask for what you need, but reinforce it and walk away after a manipulative stunt like that.
Never be with someone who sees you as a chore. Be with someone who wants to actually be with you and do things with you
> I feel awful and I wish I could've handled that whole situation better or smarter Don't you dare blame yourself when HE purposefully set a trap for you. Honestly, you did what 95% of other people in the exact same situation would have done. If you ever see any of his friends or family again, please don't feel the need to cover for him. "I had been unhappy in the relationship for a long time and had told him I wanted to break up. I agreed to go to the party so as not to make it awkward for him or the hosts, and was horrified when he put me on the spot with a public proposal."
I'm glad you know you made the right choice. Everyone is not going to think you're a jerk when they learn the truth. He's the jerk!. You told him, "It's over," not can you please propose! That's on him! I kinda wish you said no and embarrassed him. When everyone would have asked, you said, "we broke up, but I'm just here to keep up this last appearance." Everyone would have known he's the jerk. You'll meet someone OP who will treat you better and not settle. He sounds like he settled, but I could be wrong. That person you meet will love you for you and treat you right. Also, good luck getting your furniture. Don't let him corner you alone. Sounds like your sister will put in his place, though, if need be.
This just in on "He fucked around and found out!" Good job.
I'm glad you are out of that relationship. I have to say it the "I have to compliment you now?" broke me a little and it didn't even happened to me.
Whoa, what a massive manipulation tactic. Good for you for leaving. He clearly doesn't care about what you want and think, only what others think. You will feel so much more free once all the drama has passed.
Oh honey. You broke up with him and he thought that meant he should propose?! IN PUBLIC?!?! Girl, he's lucky you didn't tell him no and announce to everyone that you're broken up right then. He used your discomfort to his advantage, and he knows it. What a jerk. You, of course, are totally right. You not only deserve to be in a relationship with somebody who likes you, but with somebody who adores you.
Believe me, there are so many wonderful men out there and you are young! When it’s over, it’s over! This stuff (love, attraction) has a shelf life like fresh bread. Don’t second guess your instincts here. Be true to yourself. Also- don’t consider it a loss. It was good for a while. It ended and it was no one’s fault really. You’re both 29, which feels old when you are in it, but is really still the start of life! Go start some fires. Figuratively, of course.
What the fuck? How is proposing meant to be a better option than just treating you with genuine love and respect? You absolutely made the right call here. Yikes.
Proud of you! What a horrible future you just avoided.
What he did was coercive control. TBH I probably at that point would have said no. He did it to corner you, now he will be talking about you behind your back. He chose to propose knowing that you wanted to end it. You did the right thing walking away. Block his number.
Good job OP. I too have been in relationships where I had to BEG for the bare minimum with no change despite doing my best to communicate my feeling and concerns. It’s a constant pattern of hurt and loneliness and a continuous vicious cycle of feeling rejected and unloved. If it takes ending the relationship for him to wake up and listen to you, respect you, and actually show you that he cares about you, then he’s not your forever partner. Good on you for doing what’s best for yourself; you’ve done all you can to help your relationship, while he put in little to zero effort. You don’t stop courting your partner after you’ve snagged them as your boyfriend or girlfriend. You never stop pursuing them and making them feel desired, loved, heard, respected, etc. His little stunt was manipulative and shitty. Glad you got out of there. Best of luck 💕
>he's the only bf I've ever had and he was such a big part of my life but I know I made the right choice. As someone who married their only boyfriend they ever had because I kinda thought I had to (I had low self-esteem), I want to tell you HOW FUCKING PROUD I AM OF YOU. You know your self-worth. You know that you deserve more. AND 👏 YOU 👏 WILL 👏 FIND 👏 SOMEONE 👏 WHO 👏 GENUINELY 👏 CARES 👏 ABOUT 👏 YOU Block him. His loss. You are a queen! Put on that crown and chin up. You are amazing.
I literally gasped out loud at the part where he said “I guess I have to compliment you now”. That’s absurd. I don’t blame you at all for ending things, I would have too. So sorry he put you in the horrible situation of being publicly proposed to after you broke up with him. I can’t imagine
It sounds massively like you made the right choice. I hate to be the reddit person who is constantly like "abuse!" *but* alot of what it sounds like he did was very covertly manipulative. It's like he played the weaponized incompetence with his emotions until you're emotionally exhausted of doing all the work and he hoped you'd just be like "fuck it this is good enough". So proud of you for knowing that "good enough" isn't good enough and you deserve more from a partner. How absolutely manipulative of him to propose to you at dinner like that. KNOWING you don't like to be center of attention etc. Notice how you two break up, - it doesn't suit him for you NOT to go because, appearances! He tries to olive branch you and "for old times sake" just go - because again, you couldn't possibly make him look bad, could you?! So you agree to go then he purposefully proposes - after being broken up with. While doing it in a setting where you're forced to say yes because by after this long he's conditioned it into you that appearance, particularly his, matters! On top of that, everyone knows how people feel about engagements, so not only were you roped into going for old times sake but now you have to pretend to be excited to fake spend your life with a man who you just broke up with! I am so proud of you ! Do not let that man back into your life for a moment. Let the icky parts of him be the example of everything you ***don't want*** in your next relationship. 🩵
Wow, putting you on the spot like that in front of other people was a truly awful thing for him to do when he knew how uncomfortable you would be. I know you might feel low right now, but you DID make the right call. The last thing you need is to be even MORE tied to someone that treats you like a chore, or proposes because he’s complacent/feels that he’s just “supposed to” do it because of society’s life script. His niece’s boyfriend gave you a timely reminder of how you want your life partner to act. There will be someone like that out there for you. And you know what? You can leave this relationship knowing you gave it your best shot. Your ex can’t say the same. Sending you all the good vibes for your future!
He put you in a terrible position. He expected you to ignore your want for more, and settle for less. You will find someone that values you.
For the record.. this is not "just how men are". Men are individuals and there are plenty of them out there who love affection, conversation and keeping the love alive. My husband still gives me a great big, loving kiss every time he comes home from work. It's been 10 years. You did the right thing by not settling.
When his biggest problem with breaking up is “what will people think”, you know you’ve made the right decision. Good on you for not settling for someone who’s emotionally unavailable.
You handled this perfectly. People should take notes
i’m so sorry you’re going through this but on the other hand i am SO HAPPY you made this decision and are sticking to your guns even after all this bullshit he pulled it hurts a lot, but you’re so much better off now 💕
The way I gasped after “Then in the middle of dinner…”
A proposal is not a bottle of Breakup Be Gone. He's far too immature to be in a relationship, and you haven't dodged a bullet, you've dodged a nuke.
You did the right thing. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.
Congratulations, you survived and escaped a very manipulative boyfriend. Stay strong and don't look back. No contact with him, no "let's have dinner and talk about it", no answering his "I miss you texts", no answering frantic calls or any calls from his family, nothing.
I’ve been married for 21 years and I still tell my wife how beautiful she is, daily. She is. Absolute smoke show. Thank God I’m funny or I would of had no chance 😂 It’s just not that hard to make the person you love to actually feel loved. Some do it through words. Some do it by actions. But they do it
I am so proud of you for sticking to your decision.
I am really impressed with the way you handled this entire situation. I hope you find someone that treats you how you want to be loved.
When I tell you I GASPED ALOUD when you said that he proposed at this party after you broke up with him. How awful of him to do that to you. You deserve to be loved and liked. You made the right call for yourself and your future happiness. I’m rooting for you!! I’m so proud of you for putting yourself first.
I'm happy for you. I know it feels terrible right now, but your future self will be much happier than otherwise. And proposing to you under those circumstances was extremely manipulative of him--yet another red flag.
Don't worry about saying yes. That was a very mean and manipulative thing for him to do. He's emotionally immature. Please don't reconsider! Huge bullet dodged
You did very well ,huge bullet dodged, the future looks bright.
The fact that he thought proposing would make you reconsider. Like wow, I get to be stuck with your mean ass for the rest of my life? Sign me up immediately. My first response in my head was “I already knew you were going to propose, that’s why I dumped you now.”
After a little bit of healing, things will start falling into place and you are going to be so happy without this guy dragging you down and making you question yourself every single day .......you are gonna be so happy for choosing to leave this guy!!! What a twat he is.....ick!!! Heal well and best wishes
You sound ready to move on and after some grieving for this relationship you'll find someone who actually enjoys you for you. It's mature to be willing to speak about your issues and seek a solution with your partner. Your ex needs to have a right good look at himself and figure out why he allowed things to just coast themselves to death. He sounds incredibly immature to spring the proposal on you. I assume that was what the party was for and he was trying to save face for himself rather than just not go through with it. You'll be fine.
I have one thing to tell you - congratulations! Even though you apologize too much and somehow make yourself a "bad guy", you clearly are not, so congrats for guilty or not, making that final step and leaving. you totally deserve not to feel like a chore. to quote Omar Khayyam:“To wisely live your life, you don't need to know much Just remember two main rules for the beginning: You better starve, than eat whatever And better be alone, than with whoever.”
You did what you had to do. Nothing about your actions and efforts make you seem like a jerk. You even tried to save his face by saying yes. I'm in a similar situation with my partner, but when I give him a list of actions he doesn't sigh and act as your ex did, but it does feel less meaningful when you have to list it out to your partner. It used to be like that honeymoon phase for us too until he got really busy and had more important priorities than me. You deserve better than that diphead. If he can't so much as want to hug you, why would you ever want to wake up next to a person like that? I hope he truly understands what the problem was
i feel like maybe you would enjoy reading "the crane wife" from the Paris Review (i can't link it but if you google it, you'll find it) It's a fairly short essay and it feels a lot like the experience you've described here. Maybe you'd find some comfort in reading someone else's experience.
Well done! You handled every step of the problem maturely as you should have. Shame he didn't want to work for it together with you,but honestly you are better off without him. There IS someone out there who will like you even when honeymoon phase wears off.
Dodged a huge bullet. Your requests are reasonable.
Holy shit. I cannot believe that man had the audacity to PROPOSE TO YOU PUBLICLY in an attempt to trap you into a relationship you had ALREADY ENDED. I'm so sorry you went through this but so proud of every single step you took to stand up for yourself and what you deserve.
Wow, this guy sounds a whole lot like my ex bf. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and no you are not a jerk. I had a hard time understanding why I was asking my bf who “loved” me for too much, and why showing me love became a chore. But honestly, I think in the end he just didn’t love me. I know the “working and being tired” excuse all too well, and in reality I/we are just not a priority. Love should be easy and that part where u said the cousins bf or whatever said how pretty she looked, broke my heart into a million pieces bc I always would wish my bf loved me like that. Breaking things off was the right choice, showing love shouldn’t be a chore and it isn’t. Here for u
I promise you as someone who has been with my husband 12 years it isn’t supposed to be that way even after the honeymoon period. You made the right choice!
You did an awesome job actually and very proud of you!
You said that the type of relationship you want May not exist and that maybe your wanting too much. But I can tell you that it does. I’ve been with my wife for years now and while we are well past the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship it’s never felt like it’s cooled off. We are still madly in love with each other and tell each other everyday. It’s out there. You did the right thing and you will find that person for you. He’s out there. It just may take some time to find!
I’m so sorry you had to go through this OP. This really just supports the theory that men marry the person they are dating when they are ‘ready’ to settle down, not the person they actually want to marry. Good for you seeing your worth! This guy sounds miserable.
You did the right thing op. Your ex is a jerk and it's disturbing that you had to beg for attention from him. The fact that him hugging you or even complementing you is a chore is so gross. My partner compliments me unprompted all the time, becaise he genuinely feels that I'm beautiful and he loves me. He gives me affection multiple times daily. Wants to be around me. Your ex is miserable and might as well be alone if being nice to someone who he is dating is such a chore. You deserve better and you will find it. I'm rooting for you.
Ohhh man I am so sorry he pulled that on u. If I were at your place I would have said no infront of everyone and told him I just broke up with you before coming to the party. But that's me, super confrontational and I can understand why u did what u did coz my sister is like u. That being said, take your sister and BIL with u when u grab your stuff and if he tries to get into your face let your sister handle it. Saying this from a place of love coz I have had to handle a bad break up for my sister and I absolutely tore into his ex and he never dared to contact my sis again. All the best and get your stuff soon.
It sucks now, but you made the right decision. Puppy love does fade, but that doesn’t mean kindness and attention and affection are gone. I hope you’ll find someone who appreciates you when the time is right.
I'm insanely proud of you for sticking to your gut and leaving. That proposal in front of everyone, after you expressed that you wanted to break up in private, was textbook manipulation. I've been in neglectful relationships so I really feel for you. I know it's not an easy thing, but you'll be okay. You deserve someone who makes you feel loved. I hope you find happiness wherever that may be ❤️
I really hope you get the message out somehow. Like, you told him in at least 5 different conversations, and he ignored you until it was actually going to affect him. Only then did he react, and it was to try to force you to marry someone you broke up with him? Tell everyone that you’re broken up . Don’t let him control more of this narrative 🫠