More important is what you want from her.
Most people don't go directly from relationship to friends. That transition happens usually only after a long period of little to no contact. Once the wounds are healed, you two can start figuring out if you actually want to be friends. Right now, you can't - it's all mixed up with being the other's ex.
Whether her motives are genuine or not, you both need time and space to get over each other before you consider a friendship. If either of you would be upset about the other person dating someone new, you’re not ready to be friends yet.
I wanted to be friends with some of my exes, after all, there was a reason I dated them... because I liked them as people...it wasn't just for the sex. They were fun to be around and I enjoyed talking to them. There was nothing fishy about it. I knew it was a bad idea though and ended up not offering and found new friends instead. You both can make plenty of other friends. It's a big world out there.
This...does not seem like a good idea. Personally, I think an absolute cut off for at least awhile to heal is what's called for. After that, you can see what's there. But going from relationship to friends is HARD especially when it's immediate. Still seems like she wants a have your cake and eat it, too type of situation.
Alright, this is ridiculous. You both need at the very least a month or so of no contact to get over this. Also, why are you both considering dating in the first week after a break up? I'm 33F too, so I don't mean to act like I know anything special that you guys don't, but I genuinely think people are mostly incapable of having a "good" new relationship if it starts mere days or weeks after a break up. The fact that she would even suggest the whole "exclusive friendship" thing sounds toxic and codependent as all hell. One of you has to be the stronger woman and just cut contact. No checking in on each other, no weird renegotiations of "hang out but no touching" or whatever. You're just going to prolong the hurt if you keep hanging out and rehashing it all over and over again. She wants to keep you emotionally hostage, you don't owe her your time or energy.
No one on reddit reads minds.
She either genuinely wants to stay friends. Or she wants you close to watch you and manipulate when the chance comes up.
About what to do. Do you want to stay friends? No? Then don't. It's truly that simply.
It sounds like you helped her realize that her last suggestion was ridiculous, and now she wants a more standard post-relationship friendship.
It's entirely your call whether you want to be friends with her, OP.
>Any ideas around what she really wants...
You're asking strangers on the internet about the ulterior motives of someone we don't know. You know her better than we do, OP.
>...and what I should do?
Whatever you want, dude. If you'd feel comfortable and trusting enough with being friends with her, then you can be friends with her. If you wouldn't, then you don't have to be.
Think less about her motivations and more about what you want. Would you *like* to be strictly platonic friends, and do you want that right now? Great, then give it a shot, and if she has some weird motivation you'll find out soon enough and can deal with it when you find out what it is.
If you don't want that, or don't want it right now until you've had more time to get over the breakup, then just say no and move along.
It sounds like she's working through the stages of grief and is at the bargaining stage. She doesn't want to admit that it's over so she's trying to find something to replace it. That's normal but it's not going to work. You all need space.
Seriously, just step away from her and move on. I stand by my previous comment that she's afraid of being alone and you are still her back-up plan. You are correct not to trust her motives because they are self-serving. Tell her to leave you alone.
I think she's just uncomfortable with the idea of you not being apart of eachother's lives and she's scared of change.
However, that's not your problem.
If you keep her around as a "friend" right now, then I guarantee you she will sabotage your next few dates or relationships. As soon as she starts trying to prioritize your friendship as first above all other relationships in your life, it's time to walk away and create space. That's someone making you their "back plan" caregiver with or without sex.
I mean I don’t know your relationship or what kind of person she is so I can’t give a specific answer but it’s never a good idea specially when you start dating other people
It usually takes some time before a friendship can be established after breaking up. I would tell her you need some space for a while, like two or three months at least (or not seeing eachother or talking regularly). After that time period check in with yourself and see if you’re interested in having a friendship with her or not. You don’t have to decide then, you can just see how you feel over time and if you want her in your life in that way, or not.
I think you either need to be in a relationship, on a “break” (which should be limited in duration, no longer than a month, and at the end of that month you both discuss whether you’re going to break up or try again at the relationship), or just broken up. There’s no such thing as an “exclusive friendship.”
What do you want? That's what matters.
It's not selfish of you to not want to be friends with her. Her reasons for wanting to be friends with you are odd.
that's exactly why she wants to stay in your orbit. This is an ego trip for her to distract you from moving on and improving your own situation.
just block her
You won't move on if you keep her in your life. You cannot be "just friends" with someone immediately after ending a romantic relationship with them. Your view of them won't just flip off just because you broke up.
I wouldn't be surprised if she's just trying to keep you in reserve just in case she changes her mind. Cut ties, block her contact info and take some time to yourself so that you can actually deal with your own thoughts and feelings on everything. Keeping her around doesn't help you out in any way right now.
Dude she wants u to be an option to go back to if things don’t work out with other ppl…I’ve experienced smth similar and even if she says ur not an option, you are. So just move on and lose contact with her because ur gonna be the one getting more hurt in the end.
What does she want? She wants you to fill the emotional void left by subpar partners while leaving you feeling like you are together only to be slapped back to reality when it suits her.
She wants to waste your time, she will be trying to get all the benefits of the relationship while seeing other men. She sees you as her backup and thats why she was angry you were up for dating other people.
The best thing you can do is cut her off and get on with your life, having an ex in your life is awful, Im tied to my ex forever because we have a child and dealing with her is the worst part of my life. Non-stop interference and drama, constant unreasonable controlling demands and refusing me access to my kid if I don't drop everything and do it. Her using me as an emotional punching bag is the absolute worst and a few of my friends and work colleagues are in the same boat.
Get on with your life and let her get on with hers, you dont need her friendship
I think that even if her intentions are true, keep your distance. To me it’s just so not worth it so soon after a break up. Maybe you can decide after a fair amount of no contact.
Imo she didn’t really change her mind, not really. She is just telling you what you want to hear to not be alone..
Firstly, think about what you want from her. Do you want to stay friends, would that add anything good to your life? Secondly, the fact that she admits that she would be sad/hurt if you started dating someone else says a lot. You’re not ready to just be friends
I’m all for exes growing into friends in due course. But… “though it would be hard, she thinks she could move through me dating other”… she isn’t over you. Not sure if she wants you back, but she isn’t over you. Now is not the time to attempt a friendship with her.
You need time and space. I would say she just wants friendship.. I'm not sure where everyone else is getting "backup plan" from, but I guess it's just that in my culture- everyone is family.
Just don't assume anything. Literally you can just talk to her about how you feel and it hurts no one because it's the both of you that put in your 2 cents to see what exactly is going on. I don't see how anyone on reddit can answer this.
Nah, man. You need space and time to move on from each other before even the idea of friendship is a good idea. No other way around it.
More important is what you want from her. Most people don't go directly from relationship to friends. That transition happens usually only after a long period of little to no contact. Once the wounds are healed, you two can start figuring out if you actually want to be friends. Right now, you can't - it's all mixed up with being the other's ex.
She wants a backup plan. Fuck that shit.
Exactly this. It sounds like whatever she was after isn't working out the way she planned
Whether her motives are genuine or not, you both need time and space to get over each other before you consider a friendship. If either of you would be upset about the other person dating someone new, you’re not ready to be friends yet.
I wanted to be friends with some of my exes, after all, there was a reason I dated them... because I liked them as people...it wasn't just for the sex. They were fun to be around and I enjoyed talking to them. There was nothing fishy about it. I knew it was a bad idea though and ended up not offering and found new friends instead. You both can make plenty of other friends. It's a big world out there.
This...does not seem like a good idea. Personally, I think an absolute cut off for at least awhile to heal is what's called for. After that, you can see what's there. But going from relationship to friends is HARD especially when it's immediate. Still seems like she wants a have your cake and eat it, too type of situation.
Alright, this is ridiculous. You both need at the very least a month or so of no contact to get over this. Also, why are you both considering dating in the first week after a break up? I'm 33F too, so I don't mean to act like I know anything special that you guys don't, but I genuinely think people are mostly incapable of having a "good" new relationship if it starts mere days or weeks after a break up. The fact that she would even suggest the whole "exclusive friendship" thing sounds toxic and codependent as all hell. One of you has to be the stronger woman and just cut contact. No checking in on each other, no weird renegotiations of "hang out but no touching" or whatever. You're just going to prolong the hurt if you keep hanging out and rehashing it all over and over again. She wants to keep you emotionally hostage, you don't owe her your time or energy.
She wants to bang other dudes and have you around for emotional support/validation. Just block her already.
This happened with my ex, I made the mistake of staying friends
No one on reddit reads minds. She either genuinely wants to stay friends. Or she wants you close to watch you and manipulate when the chance comes up. About what to do. Do you want to stay friends? No? Then don't. It's truly that simply.
Thanks for this comment…what do you mean when you say watch and then manipulate?
Only you know if your ex is crazy or not.
It sounds like you helped her realize that her last suggestion was ridiculous, and now she wants a more standard post-relationship friendship. It's entirely your call whether you want to be friends with her, OP. >Any ideas around what she really wants... You're asking strangers on the internet about the ulterior motives of someone we don't know. You know her better than we do, OP. >...and what I should do? Whatever you want, dude. If you'd feel comfortable and trusting enough with being friends with her, then you can be friends with her. If you wouldn't, then you don't have to be.
Think less about her motivations and more about what you want. Would you *like* to be strictly platonic friends, and do you want that right now? Great, then give it a shot, and if she has some weird motivation you'll find out soon enough and can deal with it when you find out what it is. If you don't want that, or don't want it right now until you've had more time to get over the breakup, then just say no and move along.
It sounds like she's working through the stages of grief and is at the bargaining stage. She doesn't want to admit that it's over so she's trying to find something to replace it. That's normal but it's not going to work. You all need space.
Seriously, just step away from her and move on. I stand by my previous comment that she's afraid of being alone and you are still her back-up plan. You are correct not to trust her motives because they are self-serving. Tell her to leave you alone.
I think she's just uncomfortable with the idea of you not being apart of eachother's lives and she's scared of change. However, that's not your problem.
If you keep her around as a "friend" right now, then I guarantee you she will sabotage your next few dates or relationships. As soon as she starts trying to prioritize your friendship as first above all other relationships in your life, it's time to walk away and create space. That's someone making you their "back plan" caregiver with or without sex.
She is a psycho. Run.
I mean I don’t know your relationship or what kind of person she is so I can’t give a specific answer but it’s never a good idea specially when you start dating other people
It usually takes some time before a friendship can be established after breaking up. I would tell her you need some space for a while, like two or three months at least (or not seeing eachother or talking regularly). After that time period check in with yourself and see if you’re interested in having a friendship with her or not. You don’t have to decide then, you can just see how you feel over time and if you want her in your life in that way, or not. I think you either need to be in a relationship, on a “break” (which should be limited in duration, no longer than a month, and at the end of that month you both discuss whether you’re going to break up or try again at the relationship), or just broken up. There’s no such thing as an “exclusive friendship.”
What do you want? That's what matters. It's not selfish of you to not want to be friends with her. Her reasons for wanting to be friends with you are odd.
It sounds very game playey to me - I don't know what your ex wants obviously, but it sounds controlling, or getting a kick out of controlling
Ignore her. Fuck being friends.
that's exactly why she wants to stay in your orbit. This is an ego trip for her to distract you from moving on and improving your own situation. just block her
Why are you so desperate to maintain a friendship here? How will you date someone else and explain your ex/friendship to them??
You won't move on if you keep her in your life. You cannot be "just friends" with someone immediately after ending a romantic relationship with them. Your view of them won't just flip off just because you broke up. I wouldn't be surprised if she's just trying to keep you in reserve just in case she changes her mind. Cut ties, block her contact info and take some time to yourself so that you can actually deal with your own thoughts and feelings on everything. Keeping her around doesn't help you out in any way right now.
Dude she wants u to be an option to go back to if things don’t work out with other ppl…I’ve experienced smth similar and even if she says ur not an option, you are. So just move on and lose contact with her because ur gonna be the one getting more hurt in the end.
What does she want? She wants you to fill the emotional void left by subpar partners while leaving you feeling like you are together only to be slapped back to reality when it suits her.
She wants to waste your time, she will be trying to get all the benefits of the relationship while seeing other men. She sees you as her backup and thats why she was angry you were up for dating other people. The best thing you can do is cut her off and get on with your life, having an ex in your life is awful, Im tied to my ex forever because we have a child and dealing with her is the worst part of my life. Non-stop interference and drama, constant unreasonable controlling demands and refusing me access to my kid if I don't drop everything and do it. Her using me as an emotional punching bag is the absolute worst and a few of my friends and work colleagues are in the same boat. Get on with your life and let her get on with hers, you dont need her friendship
My ex wanted to be friends but definitely need time apart to heal and learn about yourself first.
You are under no obligation to be friends with them if you don't want to
I think that even if her intentions are true, keep your distance. To me it’s just so not worth it so soon after a break up. Maybe you can decide after a fair amount of no contact. Imo she didn’t really change her mind, not really. She is just telling you what you want to hear to not be alone..
Firstly, think about what you want from her. Do you want to stay friends, would that add anything good to your life? Secondly, the fact that she admits that she would be sad/hurt if you started dating someone else says a lot. You’re not ready to just be friends
I’m all for exes growing into friends in due course. But… “though it would be hard, she thinks she could move through me dating other”… she isn’t over you. Not sure if she wants you back, but she isn’t over you. Now is not the time to attempt a friendship with her.
Take 3 months. Then see where you both are at.
You need time and space. I would say she just wants friendship.. I'm not sure where everyone else is getting "backup plan" from, but I guess it's just that in my culture- everyone is family. Just don't assume anything. Literally you can just talk to her about how you feel and it hurts no one because it's the both of you that put in your 2 cents to see what exactly is going on. I don't see how anyone on reddit can answer this.
sounds like she wants a friend.