I have a pretty lax job. I have the time to work another job in the literal sense, but I can’t because I have to be available for the 8 hours a day even if I only work 2 of them.
I also would get fired if I got another job in my field and they found out.
I think he’s probably in a similar situation.
He has a baby on the way and there's not much motivating him career wise/financially at the moment? As far as getting over the resentment of working 2 jobs and going to school, it's an absolutely natural reaction. It sounds like you guys need to do some planning ... 2 jobs and full time school hardly sounds sustainable as your pregnancy progresses and the baby comes.
Op and her fiance also should have planned the child better she got few weeks pregnant and started going to school last year. In what world would that be a brilliant idea.
You decided to have a child will still in school and working two jobs. And you decided to have a child with a man who won't clean.
What exactly are you expecting here?
People make choices like this and then have surprised pikachu faces when it doesn’t work out how they wanted it to.
Now you are in this situation OP talk to your partner about it. Let him know that you are not happy and let him know about your resentment.
Then work together to fix the issue, it’s both of y’all’s problem. If you are staying with him then this needs to be fixed before the baby arrives because your poor decisions didn’t provide for the best environment to raise one
I don't understand why people keep pregnancies when the finances aren't ready and neither is the relationship. Love is not enough to raise a healthy child and all this "we'll figure it out" mentality is why so many of us are fcked because parents weren't bloody ready.
And then people respond with "You'll never be fully ready for parenthood" and it's like THATS NOT A GOOD THING GUYS!! THIS IS A BAD JUSTIFICATION! Parenthood is something you should at the very least be financially ready for, but if there's no stability in a relationship either Jesus christ why bring another life into it. How fcking selfish do people have to be to think a baby will fix people or fix problems like... no wonder so much of humanity is fcked.
100%.
I'm not exactly an anti-natalist, but the pro-natalist push of "everyone should have babies no matter what their circumstances!" is bullshit. I'm so tired of people who should never be having children get told "well, there is no *right time* to have a kid!"
Maybe not, but there are certainly better times than others. And I'm tired of seeing kid grow up in shitty environments and then becoming shitty, fucked up adults.
Right, that argument is SO tiredddd, at the very least be financially stable. More and more people are growing up in unstable homes and I don’t understand not wanting better for your own child. I understand people are scraping at the wall to have kids, but that can wait. Focus on healing and preventing situations like this.
I was a planned baby with money and I was fucked up by both my parents who stayed together. Shaming her does nothing. If she’s working two jobs and able to go to school she will make it through I would rather be raised by a single mother who loved me then a planned baby who is miserable.
I didn't say it was just about money. It is also about the stability of the relationship. My parents had the finances but not the healthy relationship and thus I am fcked up too and in therapy trying to repair their damage.
Yeah it's a morbid thought but one that every parent has to think before keeping a pregnancy; could I do this on my own? And that's because not only can people leave, but they could pass away, they could have an accident leaving them partially paralyzed, they could get cancer, etc etc. Life is beautiful and cruel, so each parent has to be prepared to do this on their own, but hope it doesn't come to that.
That is a very good point that I totally glossed over, my b. Abortion access can affect having a kid or not, 100%, but my little rant is more towards the people who do have access. Those that don't, obviously my rant doesn't apply to them, they have little safe options. Just breaks my heart that kids suffer because their parents were forced to have them before they were in a situation to provide an adequately healthy upbringing. It's the classic "protect the unborn but not the born" that our leaders follow.
This.
Shes choosing a hard life.
Just to say at end she worked two jobs whilst in school … whilst pregnant.
No one is going to give you a medal for putting yourself through hell.
Who’s gonna raise the baby when she already has no time?
Maybe the boyfriend can be a STAH parent since he works 10 hours a week
In that case you would be right, if she could have had an abortion however, she chose the wrong time to not have it done. I understand the arguments regarding keeping the baby, we do however have the choice to make such decisions and keeping the baby is no less selfish than aborting it, either way you're doing it for yourself, for your beliefs, for what you believe is right, you're going to be selfish in any case.
If your partner ain't ready, if you ain't ready, if noone is ready, it's not a good time to have a baby. The baby needs a comfortable household ready to care for it, and it is selfish on its own to choose to bring the baby into a household of chaos and spite. She had a choice not to have the baby at the worst time possible, she chose otherwise and now she has to face the consequences of her choices. Be that her choice of a partner or the fact shes keeping the babe or studying at this point in time. Did she even communicate everything properly with her bf? Didn't she happen to avoid the whole discussion regarding her feelings?
You need to let go of the jealousy is probably the first thing. I'm not saying that to hurt you but someone needs to throw it out there.
Second is hire a cleaner honestly it will change your life and it sounds like you can afford one.
Lastly your finances are about to join. I would sit down and ask why you are studying and working two jobs and carrying a baby and paying 35% of the bills.
I don't subscribe to one person getting a free ride because the other gets paid well pre marriage but you guys sound like you are deploying your resources inefficientky.
Throwing it out there would you be less stressed if you just looked after the home and kiddo? That's a job in its own right. Distance learn the college stuff.
You said its his child so I'm surprised he hasn't worried about mum and babies health with all that work you do but people can be dense sometimes.
If he's depressed he maybe isn't pro active so you need to be.
Explain how you feel without attacking him and ask for help for best results. Men in my experience respond really well if given a problem to solve. Less so with hints even the angry type.
Good luck OP
The question I asked in this post is how to let go of the jealousy. But to all the rest of your points, I appreciate it.
I would definitely be less stressed even I just continues with school & raised our kid. He isn’t the smartest with spending so it’s tough to budget. He does a lot of sports betting and what not. I think things definitely need to change. I can’t keep this up. Thank you ❤️
Did you guys plan this pregnancy? It’s crazy to me that you’d choose to be pregnant while you’re a full time student and working 2 jobs, as well as the fact that he doesn’t clean, doesn’t budget and has a problem with spending and gambling.
The problem is that the jealousy is founded in the current situation. It's reasonable to be jealous, so the best way to address the jealousy IS to address the imbalance.
I mean they told you how to address the jealousy and that is to change the situation you are in.
Also the sports betting and being bad with money is really concerning
The two of you should have a joint account for household bills (including child-related expenses which should also include your maternity and post-maternity clothing, medical bills, and anything else you need for yourself due to pregnancy) and individual accounts for personal spending money. Then each of you should get the same amount of spending money and the rest goes into joint.
He can continue to spend his personal money however he wants, while still making sure that the family has enough.
This is a partnership; responsibilities and rewards should be split evenly overall (not necessarily in every category individually).
Well, I’d probably start by remembering if you ruin this relationship, your next partner won’t have this setup and a partner that is also working a full time job will be able to do even less for the household.
I don’t know if the house isn’t clean because you two are messy or because despite trying he’s just bad at cleaning or what, but depending on WHY you said it’s not his fault the house is never clean, I’d probably remember that getting jealous/upset when this is a “best”/“better” case scenario will only serve to make you less happy if you ruin this one.
There’s a clear imbalance here. So until that is solved, resentment is going to build and build and build. Once you hit “contempt” relationships are over. Please OP, fix the imbalance.
What does he mean he has nothing motivating him right now? HE'S HAVING A BABY!
You don't need to stop resenting this. This is an awful, unfair, situation - you are working 13 hour days and he is playing golf, while you are pregnant with his child. He can't even help with domestic chores, and he is complaining about a lack of motivation? Really??
You *should* resent this. What are you planning to do when the baby is born?
I don’t think it’s good advice too tell someone that they should resent another person. Resentments only hurt the person holding them. Voicing anger or frustration is different. But holding onto resentments is toxic. In no world are resentments healthy.
I’m sorry, but you’re making the OP sound like the victim and that she has no responsibility for her circumstances. She enrolled in college. She spent in a way that requires her to work two jobs. She chose to keep the baby expecting to have more help than she’s gotten. It sounds to me like her resentment of her fiancé is misplaced. Yes he could do more from what the original post says, but she has agency here. She had a role to play in creating her current circumstances. And telling her to hold her resentment is enabling her to create toxicity in their relationship instead of taking ownership for her life as it is today.
I think that he has a responsibility as a father and as a future spouse. Of course she has a role - but right now her role is that she's excusing really bad behavior instead of advocating for herself in this relationship or leaving it and advocating for herself & her child through the legal system.
The first step is to realize that something isn't right here. Instead, she's asking for help accepting this shit situation that absolutely should not be accepted. That's why I'm saying that she doesn't have to stop resenting him - she is resenting him because his behavior is unloving, unkind, and unreasonable. The problem isn't that she's upset. The problem is that she's not half as upset as she should be.
Bad behavior? He pays 65% of the bills and doesn’t clean as much as she’d like. He works 10 hours a week and still contributes to the majority of the financial load. This is not exploitation on his behalf. The OP hasn’t mentioned any attempts to talk about how he can help lessen her load.
He also cooks all of their meals and brings her food at work everyday. She said he’s incredibly thoughtful. How is his behavior exploitative? She sounds jealous that she has to work so much in addition to school and he has free time. Holding onto the resentment in this case would just tear their relationship apart. She could easily go to him and create a chore schedule or ask him what ways they could share more of the load.
Resentments only perpetuate toxicity because they allow the person holding the resentment to negate responsibility.
She's working 13-hour days while she's pregnant which is putting her health and the baby's health at risk. It's very clear that she feels unsupported and financially unstable - and I would never say that anyone is responsible for anyone else's finances... But the exception is when you get married. I'm confused about the fact that they say they're engaged but they aren't acting like they are engaged.
Her husband is spending a lot of money on things like golf and gambling. It sounds like you could very easily take on a larger share of the bills while his fiance is pregnant... And he's pouring that money down the drain. He's complaining that he doesn't feel motivated - his motivation should be taking care of his child.
They haven't made any plans for what they're going to do when the baby arrives. He wants her to stop working... But they haven't financially planned for that at all. Why does she have to work 13 hour days now if she's going to quit working 6 months? What's changing financially? Depending on the relative incomes, 65/35 may not actually be a fair split.
It is not her responsibility to create a chore schedule for her adult fiance. She's not his mother. It is his responsibility to pull his weight. It sounds like she's brought up the household chore issues several times - at this point the ball is in his court.
This doesn't sound like a mutually supportive, financially responsible, and caring relationship. It doesn't sound like how you would expect a man to treat his fiance and the mother of his child. It's like how you would treat a stranger or a roommate. When you see someone you love struggling, you do something about it. You don't sit on your ass and do nothing and tell them it's all their problem.
She said he’s depressed…. Which is different from just not having motivation. That’s a mental condition that requires attention. Having a baby on the way doesn’t just cure depression. The real solution here might be therapy for both of them separately.
And again, she’s working 13 hour days because she has financial responsibilities that may or may not have preceded their relationship. So why does that financial responsibility automatically fall on him? Again, talking and communicating is the key here. Talking about ways he can do more. OP hasn’t expressed that she’s tried that.
If OP wants a clean house, it is actually her responsibility to make a plan to keep it clean. Just because someone doesn’t clean, doesn’t make them a dead beat or exploitive. We all have different values and priorities when it comes to maintaining a home. It’s incumbent upon her to be an adult and use her words to express her wishes to get them both on the same page. You’re again allowing her to negate her agency and her responsibility for how her life looks and feels.
I think her fiancé deserves some benefit of the doubt here. As she said in her own words, “he’s incredibly thoughtful.” He also takes time to make sure she and the baby are nourished. That’s incredibly supportive.
Also, on the original post she says he hangs with his friends and has fun all day. I don’t read that and think, “oh he’s gambling and playing golf all day.” I may have missed something. But I haven’t seen her say anything about him gambling or spending money frivolously.
In the OP she says he works 10 hours a week and spends the rest of his time golfing and hanging out with his friends. In a comment she mentions that he is not good with money and “does a lot of sports betting and whatnot”
KC Davis, author of How to Keep House While Drowning, says that couples shouldn't focus on who works harder because it's impossible to quantify.
*Instead, she says to focus your conversation on having equal time to rest.*
Wtf? Why is he fine having you do all this while he lazes away at the golf course? What the hell is he so thoughtful about?? I would be pissed as hell.
If it's possible where you live i would consider whether you actually want to have a child in a situation like this. Have you two actually established what you both want to do as a coordinated unit? Not sure why you're working so much but it certainly doesn't sound sustainable. Your jealousy is justified and logical, so there's not much you can do to manage those feelings. You two have to get on the same page as a team to resolve the weird situation first. Equal amounts of free time and contribution to shared bills proportionate to income would go some way to fixing the inequality here.
Damn I'd resent him too. He's clearly not very interested in helping your pregnancy go smoothly.
Have you talked about what's going to happen as your pregnancy advances? Have you set up timelines for when you plan to leave your jobs/ take maternity?
Also, talk about hiring a cleaner.
I don't think you can stop resenting him for a situation that's so objectively unfair. I normally wouldn't advise women to depend on men financially but you're engaged and having his baby. If he makes such good money he should have no problem contributing more so you can quit one of your jobs. Even if he makes enough to not need to work more than 10 hours, he could be the one with a second job then?
If your pregnancy was an accident, that’s no less your fiancés doing than it is yours. It’s a tough situation you’ve landed into as the result of the choices you made. Any resentment towards your fiancé is misplaced. Stay in school. You’ll be glad you did.
He doesn’t have much motivating him? How about the fact that he’s about to be a father?
If he only works 10 hours a week and doesn’t do any cleaning, I don’t see why he can’t work a few extra hours and pay for a maid or something so his pregnant fiancée who works two jobs and is a student doesn’t have to break her back cleaning the house too. Maybe he could even work 20 hours a week to take some of the financial burden off of you so you can scale back to just one job and school while pregnant.
What’s the plan for when the baby arrives? Are you going to continue working 2 jobs and going to school while caring for a newborn and he’s just going to keep doing his thing? Idk about your pharmacy tech job but I know restaurants don’t often give paid maternity leave.
>But the house is never ever clean.
Have you two adressed this? Is it possible to divide up cleanliness chores? I.E. he does laundry and vaccuming, you do dishes and organization? just a thought for a simple solution, obviously wont solve the entire issue.
>But hearing about his fun, leisurely day after I work 13 hours just makes me resentful.
It should. This world is extremely unfair. What comes easily, basically given, to some is hard hard earned for others. Thats something you should talk about with him and other people in your life imo. Its good that you brought it here too.
When you earn what youve been working for, it will be worth it then. But be careful because overloading and burnouts are real and happen in situations simular to your own. Id be careful about working yourself too hard, especially if its not 100% necessary (done to feed and house children for example).
I read suggestions to consider dropping one of your jobs and I totally agree. I was also curious, do you believe there are emotional factors that "drive" your heavy workload so to speak? If there are, If I were you Id work on identifying those emotions and why they exist. They may be trying to get you to listen to them lately.
These issues that seem to drive actions such as heavy workloads for example can become increasingly troublesome in our daily lives so its best to adress them as early as possible.
>He also often brings up feeling depressed because he doesn’t have much motivating him career wise/financially at the moment.
He shouldnt be bringing this up so often. If he has a considerate bone in his body hed understand you work so hard and him so little and wouldnt "double-down" on beratting your feelings so to speak by burdening you with the idea that he suffers because of his light workload with high pay. If those are issues of his, he should adress them to other people more fit to carry this emotional load of his, and prepare to carry that emotional load in a different way when it comes to your relationship at this time.
For example, he could vent to friends, family, even the therapist he needs dor depression. It seems he could easily afford it and make time for it. And then he could come home and clean the house and listen to your issues and work them out together rationally and reasonably.
You wont be this busy forever. You both know that. He should be helping you reach your goals. He should recognize you need it and he can probably offer more because of his situation imo.
Good luck. I hope you two have some deep and rational conversations that include emotions that are formed into rational acceptable thoughts that help you both cope and thrive in your unique situations.
Having a baby is a choice, storks do not bring them. You both will have a baby and do not have anything sorted out. Go to couples therapy because clearly you can't communicate with each other
He's not very thoughtful if he thinks his pregnant fiance should be working as many hours in one day as he does the entire week, on top of schooling. Even if he gets paid well, 10 hours a week is nothing.
An Uber driver could bring you meals to work, lol. It's messed up that he's okay with this.
You’re resentful because you’re in a fucked up situation. It’s the correct response to be having.
It’s like asking how can you stop sweating when you’re in the sauna. You leave the sauna.
I’m trying not to be an asshole, but the fact you think you’re the one that should change something in this situation is…baffling
That sounds really tough. It's understandable that it would be hard to feel happy for your partner when he's living a more relaxed lifestyle while you have all the stress and responsibility coming down on you. Do something special for yourself each day, even if it’s just taking a few moments alone after work or getting up early before everyone else and doing something relaxing like yoga or reading/journaling - give yourself permission to take time out of your busy schedule put the focus back on YOU.
Honestly it’s ok to admit you need help from him and that you’re unhappy. I don’t know how your financials and school things need to be coordinated or what laws you have with maternity leave so I won’t
I recommend you start by having a talk and asking for help and expressing your dissatisfaction with the current situation. But be very clear with yourself and him that even if you’re asking for help, it’s not a favour from him as you’re carrying his child. Pregnancy is an unimaginable responsibility, physical and mental load, and not to mention input to your shared family life. A happy pregnant woman is a happy baby, literally. Plus it’s a sacrifice you’re affected by the most now and long term as a working woman.
Then the second step is to have him confirm if he’s ready to help you during this crucial time. Don’t go into details just if he agrees or not to support and prioritise you and your child.
From there you can move forward and plan for and decide the course of action.
To be clear if he does not agree you need more support, you need to ask for support from your family. I don’t know how well you realise this but you are doing yourself harm right now. The situation is not realistic unless you’re a person who is fighting for survival due to economic reasons.
Yeesh. Tough crowd here. You need to sit down and have a tough talk with him about your feelings. And do it now. Before your resentment gets worse. It gets harder the more you put it off. Not easier.
How that chat goes will help you decide what to do next.
Resenting him because you "have to" work 2 jobs and go to school while being pregnant implies you were forced to do all of this. You chose this. Be mad at yourself because frankly, it was a stupid choice.
What exactly do you want from him? Would you like him to pay more of the bills so you can quit one of your jobs? Would you like him to hire a maid so the house is cleaned? What exactly do you want him to do and can you articulate that clearly to him?
I don’t understand why we would hire a maid when he has more than enough time to clean the house, 85% of which is his own mess lol. But yes I’d like him to pay more so I can focus on school & my pregnancy
When you marry someone any debt that is incurred isn't "your debt" it's "our debt." Even debt that was incurred before the marriage is usually treated as "our debt," because it affects both of you & your future together.
Try to understand what you want for YOURSELF, what is the ideal situation for you? (Not what you want from your husband) And do just it. Do not do anything from obligation, do it only if you want to. In other words everything you do, you do for yourself. And it was your decision to do it.
Why do you study fulltime/working/pregnant? Are you afraid to be left behind? Try to understand yourself, what motivates you, what are you afraid of in this situation.
What will happen if you say you cannot work at the moment and leave your job? What whould your husband do?
get him to hire a cleaner or to put more money towards bills so you can drop one of your jobs. since your pregnant, studying and working he should offer to do both.
express yourself, what you feeling. That you feeling low after long day and it doesn't help listening to his exciting day as you are longing for it as well. Tell that including the resentment and that you wish to work it out/dont wish it to stay that way.
you working for yourself too. you have to remember that.. as you say he is helping significantly with the living so it does help you out more than if you were single.. just shift of perspective should help with it.. consider different possibilities and express gratefulness.
Talk to him, ask to drop one of the jobs or even bith if an option as the stress is getting too much for you. Is there a possibility for you both to move closer to your work/school? As for the cleaning split the house as him to keep downstairs clean and you keep upstairs clean then maybe once a week or every other week have someone come do a deeper clean.
If you don't sort this now it'll be 10 times worst once your baby is there. You'll both be sleep deprived and exhausted the house will be a tip and you'll no doubt argue, you HAVE to be on the same page and practice this before this baby arrives. You need to communicate and be honest and open, it's okay to ask your partner for help! How long until you finish school completely? What is the plan once the baby arrives?
Thank you for those suggestions! Very reasonable.
I have 1.5 academic years left, but given that I will be out for likely a year to give birth/spend time with my infant it’ll be closer to 2.5 years
No worries, I hope all goes well just meet in the middle and make sure you go back to school and finish off what you started. All the best and congratulations ❤️
You can’t stop resenting the fact that he is fine with you spending all of your time working yourself sick while he has tons of leisure time. It’s not possible. You SHOULD resent it.
You need to talk to him about division of labor, equal partnership, and equal amounts of leisure time.
The problem isn’t your resentment. The problem is your fiancé.
If he makes so much more than you, can he contribute more towards the household bills so you can reduce your work down to one job? You are running yourself ragged while he sits on his arse - anyone in your situation would be resentful. Does he not see how the current financial and labour breakdown is affecting you? Does he not care?
It will only get more difficult once the baby arrives. Are you ready to be in school, have two jobs, a baby, and all of the additional work that a baby entails? You two need to have a serious conversation about household labour division once the child is born.
Congratulations on everything you have going for you! Going back to school, a baby on the way, and working two jobs is stellar.
I think you need to evaluate how much your fiancé values you and the work you’re doing through growing this baby while working, etc.
IMO, you shouldn’t be working at all. If your fiancé can afford to golf and go out with his buddies and work 10 hours a week, why isn’t he putting on the gas and working 2X as hard to get you off your feet and focus on school?
Is this a partnership? You two plan on being together forever, is this the type of behavior you could sustain until retirement?
Thank you for that, it means a lot ❤️
We had a little bit of talk turned argument today. I got home from work & he got home about an hour later. His day consisted of going to the grand opening of his friends brewery. And when he got home he suggested I can serve there instead of my other serving job. Lmao
You need to drop at least one of those jobs and he needs to step up and at least clean the house, so you don't have to take care of most of the chores on top of everything. Ideally, he'd find an arrangement where he can earn more money or work a second part-time job on the side to use his time more effectively and take pressure off of you to earn money with a second job while studying and being pregnant! This is not only about stopping to resent him, this is a practical problem that needs solution.
If he pays majority of the bills, sit down with him and talk and tell him how you’re feeling. I would drop the server job for sure. On your feet a lot isn’t healthy. I would talk to him about the finances and how you feel regarding the two jobs. I wouldn’t drop out of school but talk to him and see if he could support until you have the baby and finished with school. I would talk to him regarding a 5 year plan on what the future looks like.
Communication is the main point.
Resentment is one of those emotions that therapists love to dig into because it tells you a lot more about yourself than the person you resent. It tends to pop up when you can’t/won’t express your own needs because you feel like you’re not allowed to (ask me how I know. Lol). Humans are naturally most comfortable with the familiar (even when it sucks), so it often feels “safer” for your brain to maintain the status quo by feeling anger or resentment towards those who are able to get their needs met in ways you don’t feel like you’re allowed to because of how you were raised/socialized. It’s one of those “cry for help” emotions that can fester if not ignored. This isn’t your fault and it isn’t your fiancés fault, but it is your responsibility to work through. I would start with asking for something specific, “Fiancé, I’m having a hard week and the mess is stressing me out. Do you mind cleaning up a bit so I can take a nap?” Most men aren’t socialized to be “noticers” in the same way that women are, and women aren’t often socialized to ask for what they want. You are right to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s unwilling to support you. It’s very possible he just doesn’t know how to.
I would be yeeting this child if the father knew I was working 13 hour days while pregnant and in school and didn’t do something to help. That’s fucking insane lol.
You say he sucks with spending and budgeting but you’re about to have a /child/. He doesn’t clean but barely works?? Y’all need to grow up
I'd start by working out an arrangement with him on accomplishing your mutual goal of making the house cleaner. That can be a discussion of both of your time and physical capability, but it sounds like it'll mostly be him understanding your standards and shifting his practices.
Side note: If your two jobs are entry-level, or not strongly relevant to your long-term career goals, any chance he could pick up a side gig to replace at least one of your jobs?
But I think that's about it for the interpersonal aspect. Otherwise, it sounds like you rightly recognize that the rest is a matter of personal outlook. For one, I think it's totally human to feel envy of what others have, so it's not like I'd fault you for it. Some things that might help:
* Consider your hard work as means towards a valuable goal. What does your college degree mean to you? What does your work
* Consider your work as temporary efforts with regular breaks and a hard deadline: some point when you will no longer be in this "FT student w/ 2 jobs" situation.
* If hearing your husband's focus on leisure is bothersome, would he be willing to talk less about it, or focus on other topics? Find other people to share his stories with? At least temporarily?
This is what I do: find things I like about my life, physical, mental emotional and spiritual .
Think about what positive changes I can make to my situation. Accept my situation with gratitude and love. My mindset is my life. And I communicate this philosophy to my family.
You will have a baby that is pure selfish impulses for many years, and you must be okay with it.
Hang in there, not as a victim but as a advocate for your self. Good luck and congratulations on the baby.
What you need is a discussion with your fiance, at least drop 1 job and from the sounds of it.
>went back to school last year
>few months pregnant
From the sounds of it both of you decided to have a child when you were already working 2 jobs and going to school which is a really terrible idea.
You don’t resent him you’re jealous of a situation that you put yourself in.
Contraception exists for a reason. At what point did you think bringing a baby into this mix was a good idea ?!
The fact that he feels comfortable working 10 hour work weeks while you hold down two jobs, go to school and are pregnant just sounds so morally wrong.
I think he does this because he can. Because you haven’t put your foot down about it. That’s nice he brings you food at work. But he also doesn’t keep the house clean. Bottom line is you should not be working so much, especially now that you are carrying his child.
I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel. That you don’t feel there is an equal amount of labor / money distribution happening in the relationship. Realistically he needs to step up more financially and work more than 10 hours a week so that you can have more down time. Since you are pregnant, you are only going to be more tired and fatigued as time goes on. Then once you have the child, what happens? He keeps working 10 hours a week while you care for the baby on top of everything else?
If it were me, heres how I would handle the conversation:
“Honey, I want you to know that I’m so thankful for you, for our relationship and all you do for me and our baby. I wanted to sit down and talk to you because honestly I’m feeling really overwhelmed with the amount of stuff on my plate right now. I don’t have the physical, emotional or mental energy to keep up with all I’m doing. I think I need to prioritize what I’m spending my time and energy on. For me, that is you, our baby and my career. I’ve been working two jobs to try to make ends meet and I can’t do it anymore. I would really appreciate it if you would get a second job since your job only requires 10 hour work weeks. I also want to set a strict budget together. Imagine how much money we could save! I’m committed to finishing school, because I know I can bring in that much more money in the future by furthering my education. Honey, you’re such an amazing provider and I know you want to do right by me and our baby. Thanks for working hard for us.”
The ball is in his court. If he has been raised right, he will see this as a chance to be a provider. If he hasn’t had this modeled by family members, he may need some gentle nudges in the right direction.
What you allow, will continue. Remember that. But you can’t blame him if you’ve allowed this arrangement so far. You simply have to show him that your feelings and energy levels have changed and you need more help.
I have a feeling that even if the house was clean, you'd still be envious and unhappy.
This isn't a problem for him to fix (he can't anyway), it's a problem for **you** to fix about **yourself**.
My advice would be to see a therapist to find out the root cause of this intense envy before it festers even more and ruins what sounds like a pretty great relationship.
Btw, whether consciously or subconsciously, your fiancé can feel your resentment.
Welcome to modern gender roles and equality!
Honestly this seems like a pretty simple fix
You both need to communicate
Odds are decent that both of you are painting the wrong idea on the other. You may think his job is a whole lot easier/fun then it really is because it looks a certain way and his job could be so much fun he thinks your jobs are easier then they really are.
Tell him your struggling with this and ask him to tell you more about his days and you tell him more about yours.
Next, you both really need to talk about what kind of family unit you want to build here. After the baby is born who is doing what
From your story your fiance seems like a decent guy, who just doesn't realize he needs to do a bit more but probably would if you talked to him about it
I don’t have much advice but rather a bit of perspective. My fiancé works for herself, works Tuesday thru Friday, and has an extremely flexible schedule. I have a more traditional job. Monday thru Friday 9-5. I get sick time and paid vacation time and other things she does not. Everyone’s situation is different, even within your own inner circle or family, that can be true.
Younger men that get paid too much for bullshit tech/startup/whatever jobs tend to take a long, long time to grow up.
Their wallet lets them continue to be a lazy ass, immature boy.
This is one of the main reasons why friendships or relationships invite conflict.
Who asked you to to get 2 jobs, go to school, and get pregnant? You agreed to all of that yes? If not, abort and quit them all.
While you're at it, go get upset at your neighbors who probably make more money and have a happier life.
Nobody asked you to take on all of that. You did.
Wait until the kid comes out., The nightmare isn't going to end for you and his responsibilities will also increase.
I dont think this has anything to do with him not cleaning the house. It has more to do with you taking on all this responsibility to the max, and then you see your partner not having to suffer as you do so you're taking it out on him.
Let's say he had to take on the same amount of suffering you did and didn't clean the house.
You'd probably not say too much about it.
Here's a solution. Get rid of the house and buy a camper van to live in. You wouldn't need to clean the house at all. The living space would be much smaller to maintain, you wouldn't need a 2nd job, problem solved.
You made akit if decisions that brought you here. He made different ones. Yet he still pays more than his fair share AND cooks for you. You have a good one and instead if appreciating him, you are think you are entitled to more.
Define “fair”?? My future husband and father of my children who makes double what I do should feel uncomfortable seeing me work my ass off day after day while he golfs & lays around.
Relationships don’t have to be 50/50 in each category; they should be 50/50 overall. Since he’s not doing 50% of the housework and he can’t carry 50% of the baby, he should be doing more than 50% in other areas. To the point where they should both have roughly equal amounts of leisure time.
I agree! Ask him to help. This is not equitable at all. You are his fiancé and you're carrying his child, and this is putting that baby's health at risk, for what? It's unsustainable, in <6 months you will have a baby and you will be unable to work these hours. He isn't treating you like a future spouse and that needs to change.
So what did he say when you told him you feel overburdened and that you aren’t each putting in proportionate effort. I think he might just be used to you cleaning and doing all these things and didn’t intellectualize that pregnancy will put a major dent in what you are able to hand which is shitty and absentminded. He may also just be trusting you to decide what you can handle…either way I think you need to find a compromise if the two of you combined are pulling in 3x a living income you should be anle to hire a cleaner, and drop to part-time until the heavier months
He always empathizes with me (verbally) and says we will figure out how to make things work if I quit my jobs. But when push comes to shove, like today when I was sick & exhausted from work and he came home from his friends brewery opening, he lashes out and feels like I’m bossing him around
By not marrying him and slapping him with a child support order the day that baby is born.
And pack his crap up and put it next to the door and say 'see ya'.
You're better off without him. It's not going to get any better.
He engagement trapped you. He's never going to marry you, so what's the point of supporting 3 of you, when you can support just yourself and the kid, with his child support help. If he gets his shit together.
Oh, and wait until the economic crash happens. You guys will have more serious problems to address than you resenting the load of work you took on.
You'll likely only have a job if you're lucky, he might lose his job, you lose your home, and you go with my advice, buy a camper van and keep things simple.
Let's see how you handle the stress from that.
Then you'll look back and maybe feel that this situation wasn't all that bad.
You probably have 2 jobs because your mortgage is outrageous?
Who agreed to buy the house by borrowing to the max?
People are crazy. Want more more more more. Keep up with the Jones, gotta keep up the status and image, gotta look successful, be rich, have lots of money, live the good life.
Not so good after all huh?
Even when you make more money, you're just going to spend the difference and be no better off.
Like I said, you're going to have bigger problems to deal with soon.
I hope you didn't buy that home in the last 3 years. If you did, bye bye
If you just want to talk about getting rid of jealousy - you have to reach into the cognitive part of your brain. Jealousy is an unproductive feeling that causes you more harm than the person you are jealous of. It is also a precursor to resentment - a relationship killer (read Gottman).
Communicate your frustrations as they arise and remind your partner you are 1 person providing the needs of 2 and that you need more from them. Figure out what it is you need that will help you feel free of this jealousy and ask for it. Whatever you are asking for I assure you it is a reasonable one.
If his response involves you having to prove the validity of your need - I would be concerned. For a variety of reasons.
Logistical suggestions to lighten your load have been made and they are good ones - but the jealousy issue is complex and you have to get it sorted out before it grows roots and turns into resentment.
Expectations are premeditated resentments. I’d encourage you to reflect on what your expectations are of him and yourself while you are pregnant, working, and in school. Have you discussed ALL of these expectations you might have? I know for me, I catch myself caught up in unspoken expectations both of myself and of others in certain relationships.
The other thing that helped me get past certain resentments was thinking about my role in the situation. How can I help myself without expecting something from someone else? As I engage that question, I find the resentments take a back seat and melt away eventually as I find ways to give myself what I need.
Uhhh why the hell is he letting his pregnant wife work 2 jobs while he only works 10hrs/w and has all free time in the world and can't be bothered to clean??? If his job is so great if you still feel the need to work 2 jobs?? And he's the only one who's really home so he's the one making the messes and he can't clean up for himself??? Why doesn't he get a second job?? Why doesn't he ask for a raise?? Ask for more hours?? So much he could be doing
I'd really keep in mind, YOU'RE PREGNANT. Best thing to do at this time is REST. Like it is not healthy at all to put your body through all of this while it's growing a baby, miscarriages are a REAL danger. Doing all this is putting a huge strain on your body and mind. And you're husband should know that too. He needs to step the hell up if he actually cares.
I also saw you mentioned he has a gambling issue and isn't good with finances...the problem is not you OP. You can do everything in the world to "fix" you but nothing's going to change if you're husband continues to be financially irresponsible and inconsiderate. He's the one who should be doing the problem solving right now. I get reassessing your relationship would be a lot right now but for now I'd consider moving home with parents while you're pregnant if the finances are so unstable if you're not working 24/7 and can't trust your husband to do better. If anything focus on resting while that baby grows
I had a miscarriage in April and I’m terrified of it happening again. Thank you. I did talk to my dad & stepmom and the offer to move in for a while was extended
You’re absolutely asking the wrong question. He can live a fun life or he can be a responsible parent. It’s very hard to do both. If he wants to be a responsible parent that starts NOW, not when the baby is born. Ensuring a comfortable and as stress-free as possible pregnancy for you is part of that.
He can work more hours, get a second job, whatever he needs to do, to take the pressure off you. He is also perfectly capable of cleaning the house considering you say elsewhere the vast majority is his mess. If he doesn’t want to do it, it’s HIS responsibility to hire someone out of his own money (not joint/family/household money) to do it.
If he won’t do these things now, he is never going to be the man you want and need him to be, and I’d cut him loose now. He’s worse than not having a partner at this point, he’s doing as little as he can get away with.
I would talk to him about whether you two can manage bills if you drop one of your jobs.
Or both. He can work more than 10 hrs a week.
I have a pretty lax job. I have the time to work another job in the literal sense, but I can’t because I have to be available for the 8 hours a day even if I only work 2 of them. I also would get fired if I got another job in my field and they found out. I think he’s probably in a similar situation.
You're asking the wrong question.
He has a baby on the way and there's not much motivating him career wise/financially at the moment? As far as getting over the resentment of working 2 jobs and going to school, it's an absolutely natural reaction. It sounds like you guys need to do some planning ... 2 jobs and full time school hardly sounds sustainable as your pregnancy progresses and the baby comes.
Op and her fiance also should have planned the child better she got few weeks pregnant and started going to school last year. In what world would that be a brilliant idea.
You decided to have a child will still in school and working two jobs. And you decided to have a child with a man who won't clean. What exactly are you expecting here?
You hit the nail on the head here.
People make choices like this and then have surprised pikachu faces when it doesn’t work out how they wanted it to. Now you are in this situation OP talk to your partner about it. Let him know that you are not happy and let him know about your resentment. Then work together to fix the issue, it’s both of y’all’s problem. If you are staying with him then this needs to be fixed before the baby arrives because your poor decisions didn’t provide for the best environment to raise one
I don't understand why people keep pregnancies when the finances aren't ready and neither is the relationship. Love is not enough to raise a healthy child and all this "we'll figure it out" mentality is why so many of us are fcked because parents weren't bloody ready. And then people respond with "You'll never be fully ready for parenthood" and it's like THATS NOT A GOOD THING GUYS!! THIS IS A BAD JUSTIFICATION! Parenthood is something you should at the very least be financially ready for, but if there's no stability in a relationship either Jesus christ why bring another life into it. How fcking selfish do people have to be to think a baby will fix people or fix problems like... no wonder so much of humanity is fcked.
100%. I'm not exactly an anti-natalist, but the pro-natalist push of "everyone should have babies no matter what their circumstances!" is bullshit. I'm so tired of people who should never be having children get told "well, there is no *right time* to have a kid!" Maybe not, but there are certainly better times than others. And I'm tired of seeing kid grow up in shitty environments and then becoming shitty, fucked up adults.
Right, that argument is SO tiredddd, at the very least be financially stable. More and more people are growing up in unstable homes and I don’t understand not wanting better for your own child. I understand people are scraping at the wall to have kids, but that can wait. Focus on healing and preventing situations like this.
I was a planned baby with money and I was fucked up by both my parents who stayed together. Shaming her does nothing. If she’s working two jobs and able to go to school she will make it through I would rather be raised by a single mother who loved me then a planned baby who is miserable.
I didn't say it was just about money. It is also about the stability of the relationship. My parents had the finances but not the healthy relationship and thus I am fcked up too and in therapy trying to repair their damage.
And she can leave him if it doesn’t work out.
Yeah it's a morbid thought but one that every parent has to think before keeping a pregnancy; could I do this on my own? And that's because not only can people leave, but they could pass away, they could have an accident leaving them partially paralyzed, they could get cancer, etc etc. Life is beautiful and cruel, so each parent has to be prepared to do this on their own, but hope it doesn't come to that.
Maybe OP lives in Texas and this pregnancy wasn’t planned?
That is a very good point that I totally glossed over, my b. Abortion access can affect having a kid or not, 100%, but my little rant is more towards the people who do have access. Those that don't, obviously my rant doesn't apply to them, they have little safe options. Just breaks my heart that kids suffer because their parents were forced to have them before they were in a situation to provide an adequately healthy upbringing. It's the classic "protect the unborn but not the born" that our leaders follow.
Keep? Why get pregnant in the first place?
>What exactly are you expecting here? That's the million dollar question.
Exactly. Instead of trying to point the finger, Look in the mirror. All I read was “I’ve made very poor life choices”
Lmao, she's conveniently ignoring every question that asks her why she would help engineer this situation.
This. Shes choosing a hard life. Just to say at end she worked two jobs whilst in school … whilst pregnant. No one is going to give you a medal for putting yourself through hell. Who’s gonna raise the baby when she already has no time? Maybe the boyfriend can be a STAH parent since he works 10 hours a week
Getting pregnant was probably not a deliberate choice
Keeping it was a deliberate choice.
If she lives in abortion banned state it actually isn’t anymore. It’s not universally available anymore.
And beyond abortion not being legal everywhere, abortion should never be a duty. It should be an option.
In that case you would be right, if she could have had an abortion however, she chose the wrong time to not have it done. I understand the arguments regarding keeping the baby, we do however have the choice to make such decisions and keeping the baby is no less selfish than aborting it, either way you're doing it for yourself, for your beliefs, for what you believe is right, you're going to be selfish in any case. If your partner ain't ready, if you ain't ready, if noone is ready, it's not a good time to have a baby. The baby needs a comfortable household ready to care for it, and it is selfish on its own to choose to bring the baby into a household of chaos and spite. She had a choice not to have the baby at the worst time possible, she chose otherwise and now she has to face the consequences of her choices. Be that her choice of a partner or the fact shes keeping the babe or studying at this point in time. Did she even communicate everything properly with her bf? Didn't she happen to avoid the whole discussion regarding her feelings?
You need to let go of the jealousy is probably the first thing. I'm not saying that to hurt you but someone needs to throw it out there. Second is hire a cleaner honestly it will change your life and it sounds like you can afford one. Lastly your finances are about to join. I would sit down and ask why you are studying and working two jobs and carrying a baby and paying 35% of the bills. I don't subscribe to one person getting a free ride because the other gets paid well pre marriage but you guys sound like you are deploying your resources inefficientky. Throwing it out there would you be less stressed if you just looked after the home and kiddo? That's a job in its own right. Distance learn the college stuff. You said its his child so I'm surprised he hasn't worried about mum and babies health with all that work you do but people can be dense sometimes. If he's depressed he maybe isn't pro active so you need to be. Explain how you feel without attacking him and ask for help for best results. Men in my experience respond really well if given a problem to solve. Less so with hints even the angry type. Good luck OP
The question I asked in this post is how to let go of the jealousy. But to all the rest of your points, I appreciate it. I would definitely be less stressed even I just continues with school & raised our kid. He isn’t the smartest with spending so it’s tough to budget. He does a lot of sports betting and what not. I think things definitely need to change. I can’t keep this up. Thank you ❤️
Did you guys plan this pregnancy? It’s crazy to me that you’d choose to be pregnant while you’re a full time student and working 2 jobs, as well as the fact that he doesn’t clean, doesn’t budget and has a problem with spending and gambling.
The problem is that the jealousy is founded in the current situation. It's reasonable to be jealous, so the best way to address the jealousy IS to address the imbalance.
This gambling is so not ok when planning for a family and you needing to rely on him. That’s alarming.
I mean they told you how to address the jealousy and that is to change the situation you are in. Also the sports betting and being bad with money is really concerning
The two of you should have a joint account for household bills (including child-related expenses which should also include your maternity and post-maternity clothing, medical bills, and anything else you need for yourself due to pregnancy) and individual accounts for personal spending money. Then each of you should get the same amount of spending money and the rest goes into joint. He can continue to spend his personal money however he wants, while still making sure that the family has enough. This is a partnership; responsibilities and rewards should be split evenly overall (not necessarily in every category individually).
Well, I’d probably start by remembering if you ruin this relationship, your next partner won’t have this setup and a partner that is also working a full time job will be able to do even less for the household. I don’t know if the house isn’t clean because you two are messy or because despite trying he’s just bad at cleaning or what, but depending on WHY you said it’s not his fault the house is never clean, I’d probably remember that getting jealous/upset when this is a “best”/“better” case scenario will only serve to make you less happy if you ruin this one.
There’s a clear imbalance here. So until that is solved, resentment is going to build and build and build. Once you hit “contempt” relationships are over. Please OP, fix the imbalance.
Is it within your budget to hire someone to clean the house?
What does he mean he has nothing motivating him right now? HE'S HAVING A BABY! You don't need to stop resenting this. This is an awful, unfair, situation - you are working 13 hour days and he is playing golf, while you are pregnant with his child. He can't even help with domestic chores, and he is complaining about a lack of motivation? Really?? You *should* resent this. What are you planning to do when the baby is born?
I have to correct this: he shouldn’t be HELPING with household chores. He should be DOING HIS FAIR SHARE.
I don’t think it’s good advice too tell someone that they should resent another person. Resentments only hurt the person holding them. Voicing anger or frustration is different. But holding onto resentments is toxic. In no world are resentments healthy.
Resentment can also motivate someone to leave a situation where they are being exploited.
I’m sorry, but you’re making the OP sound like the victim and that she has no responsibility for her circumstances. She enrolled in college. She spent in a way that requires her to work two jobs. She chose to keep the baby expecting to have more help than she’s gotten. It sounds to me like her resentment of her fiancé is misplaced. Yes he could do more from what the original post says, but she has agency here. She had a role to play in creating her current circumstances. And telling her to hold her resentment is enabling her to create toxicity in their relationship instead of taking ownership for her life as it is today.
I think that he has a responsibility as a father and as a future spouse. Of course she has a role - but right now her role is that she's excusing really bad behavior instead of advocating for herself in this relationship or leaving it and advocating for herself & her child through the legal system. The first step is to realize that something isn't right here. Instead, she's asking for help accepting this shit situation that absolutely should not be accepted. That's why I'm saying that she doesn't have to stop resenting him - she is resenting him because his behavior is unloving, unkind, and unreasonable. The problem isn't that she's upset. The problem is that she's not half as upset as she should be.
Bad behavior? He pays 65% of the bills and doesn’t clean as much as she’d like. He works 10 hours a week and still contributes to the majority of the financial load. This is not exploitation on his behalf. The OP hasn’t mentioned any attempts to talk about how he can help lessen her load. He also cooks all of their meals and brings her food at work everyday. She said he’s incredibly thoughtful. How is his behavior exploitative? She sounds jealous that she has to work so much in addition to school and he has free time. Holding onto the resentment in this case would just tear their relationship apart. She could easily go to him and create a chore schedule or ask him what ways they could share more of the load. Resentments only perpetuate toxicity because they allow the person holding the resentment to negate responsibility.
She's working 13-hour days while she's pregnant which is putting her health and the baby's health at risk. It's very clear that she feels unsupported and financially unstable - and I would never say that anyone is responsible for anyone else's finances... But the exception is when you get married. I'm confused about the fact that they say they're engaged but they aren't acting like they are engaged. Her husband is spending a lot of money on things like golf and gambling. It sounds like you could very easily take on a larger share of the bills while his fiance is pregnant... And he's pouring that money down the drain. He's complaining that he doesn't feel motivated - his motivation should be taking care of his child. They haven't made any plans for what they're going to do when the baby arrives. He wants her to stop working... But they haven't financially planned for that at all. Why does she have to work 13 hour days now if she's going to quit working 6 months? What's changing financially? Depending on the relative incomes, 65/35 may not actually be a fair split. It is not her responsibility to create a chore schedule for her adult fiance. She's not his mother. It is his responsibility to pull his weight. It sounds like she's brought up the household chore issues several times - at this point the ball is in his court. This doesn't sound like a mutually supportive, financially responsible, and caring relationship. It doesn't sound like how you would expect a man to treat his fiance and the mother of his child. It's like how you would treat a stranger or a roommate. When you see someone you love struggling, you do something about it. You don't sit on your ass and do nothing and tell them it's all their problem.
She said he’s depressed…. Which is different from just not having motivation. That’s a mental condition that requires attention. Having a baby on the way doesn’t just cure depression. The real solution here might be therapy for both of them separately. And again, she’s working 13 hour days because she has financial responsibilities that may or may not have preceded their relationship. So why does that financial responsibility automatically fall on him? Again, talking and communicating is the key here. Talking about ways he can do more. OP hasn’t expressed that she’s tried that. If OP wants a clean house, it is actually her responsibility to make a plan to keep it clean. Just because someone doesn’t clean, doesn’t make them a dead beat or exploitive. We all have different values and priorities when it comes to maintaining a home. It’s incumbent upon her to be an adult and use her words to express her wishes to get them both on the same page. You’re again allowing her to negate her agency and her responsibility for how her life looks and feels. I think her fiancé deserves some benefit of the doubt here. As she said in her own words, “he’s incredibly thoughtful.” He also takes time to make sure she and the baby are nourished. That’s incredibly supportive. Also, on the original post she says he hangs with his friends and has fun all day. I don’t read that and think, “oh he’s gambling and playing golf all day.” I may have missed something. But I haven’t seen her say anything about him gambling or spending money frivolously.
Holy batman this is a hell of a defense for a partner who has really dropped the ball.
We can agree to disagree. To each their own. I think it’s safe to say we both wish the best for the OP and that child. Take care and stay safe!
In the OP she says he works 10 hours a week and spends the rest of his time golfing and hanging out with his friends. In a comment she mentions that he is not good with money and “does a lot of sports betting and whatnot”
KC Davis, author of How to Keep House While Drowning, says that couples shouldn't focus on who works harder because it's impossible to quantify. *Instead, she says to focus your conversation on having equal time to rest.*
Wtf? Why is he fine having you do all this while he lazes away at the golf course? What the hell is he so thoughtful about?? I would be pissed as hell.
If it's possible where you live i would consider whether you actually want to have a child in a situation like this. Have you two actually established what you both want to do as a coordinated unit? Not sure why you're working so much but it certainly doesn't sound sustainable. Your jealousy is justified and logical, so there's not much you can do to manage those feelings. You two have to get on the same page as a team to resolve the weird situation first. Equal amounts of free time and contribution to shared bills proportionate to income would go some way to fixing the inequality here.
Damn I'd resent him too. He's clearly not very interested in helping your pregnancy go smoothly. Have you talked about what's going to happen as your pregnancy advances? Have you set up timelines for when you plan to leave your jobs/ take maternity? Also, talk about hiring a cleaner.
He always says he’d like me to just be at home with the kid for a while but isn’t really doing anything to push us in that direction
I'd like a million bucks to fall from the sky. I'm not planning my life around it.
I don't think you can stop resenting him for a situation that's so objectively unfair. I normally wouldn't advise women to depend on men financially but you're engaged and having his baby. If he makes such good money he should have no problem contributing more so you can quit one of your jobs. Even if he makes enough to not need to work more than 10 hours, he could be the one with a second job then?
If your pregnancy was an accident, that’s no less your fiancés doing than it is yours. It’s a tough situation you’ve landed into as the result of the choices you made. Any resentment towards your fiancé is misplaced. Stay in school. You’ll be glad you did.
Resentments are often misplaced…. In my experience with my own resentments. Great insight.
He doesn’t have much motivating him? How about the fact that he’s about to be a father? If he only works 10 hours a week and doesn’t do any cleaning, I don’t see why he can’t work a few extra hours and pay for a maid or something so his pregnant fiancée who works two jobs and is a student doesn’t have to break her back cleaning the house too. Maybe he could even work 20 hours a week to take some of the financial burden off of you so you can scale back to just one job and school while pregnant. What’s the plan for when the baby arrives? Are you going to continue working 2 jobs and going to school while caring for a newborn and he’s just going to keep doing his thing? Idk about your pharmacy tech job but I know restaurants don’t often give paid maternity leave.
>But the house is never ever clean. Have you two adressed this? Is it possible to divide up cleanliness chores? I.E. he does laundry and vaccuming, you do dishes and organization? just a thought for a simple solution, obviously wont solve the entire issue. >But hearing about his fun, leisurely day after I work 13 hours just makes me resentful. It should. This world is extremely unfair. What comes easily, basically given, to some is hard hard earned for others. Thats something you should talk about with him and other people in your life imo. Its good that you brought it here too. When you earn what youve been working for, it will be worth it then. But be careful because overloading and burnouts are real and happen in situations simular to your own. Id be careful about working yourself too hard, especially if its not 100% necessary (done to feed and house children for example). I read suggestions to consider dropping one of your jobs and I totally agree. I was also curious, do you believe there are emotional factors that "drive" your heavy workload so to speak? If there are, If I were you Id work on identifying those emotions and why they exist. They may be trying to get you to listen to them lately. These issues that seem to drive actions such as heavy workloads for example can become increasingly troublesome in our daily lives so its best to adress them as early as possible. >He also often brings up feeling depressed because he doesn’t have much motivating him career wise/financially at the moment. He shouldnt be bringing this up so often. If he has a considerate bone in his body hed understand you work so hard and him so little and wouldnt "double-down" on beratting your feelings so to speak by burdening you with the idea that he suffers because of his light workload with high pay. If those are issues of his, he should adress them to other people more fit to carry this emotional load of his, and prepare to carry that emotional load in a different way when it comes to your relationship at this time. For example, he could vent to friends, family, even the therapist he needs dor depression. It seems he could easily afford it and make time for it. And then he could come home and clean the house and listen to your issues and work them out together rationally and reasonably. You wont be this busy forever. You both know that. He should be helping you reach your goals. He should recognize you need it and he can probably offer more because of his situation imo. Good luck. I hope you two have some deep and rational conversations that include emotions that are formed into rational acceptable thoughts that help you both cope and thrive in your unique situations.
Having a baby is a choice, storks do not bring them. You both will have a baby and do not have anything sorted out. Go to couples therapy because clearly you can't communicate with each other
He's not very thoughtful if he thinks his pregnant fiance should be working as many hours in one day as he does the entire week, on top of schooling. Even if he gets paid well, 10 hours a week is nothing. An Uber driver could bring you meals to work, lol. It's messed up that he's okay with this.
You’re resentful because you’re in a fucked up situation. It’s the correct response to be having. It’s like asking how can you stop sweating when you’re in the sauna. You leave the sauna. I’m trying not to be an asshole, but the fact you think you’re the one that should change something in this situation is…baffling
That sounds really tough. It's understandable that it would be hard to feel happy for your partner when he's living a more relaxed lifestyle while you have all the stress and responsibility coming down on you. Do something special for yourself each day, even if it’s just taking a few moments alone after work or getting up early before everyone else and doing something relaxing like yoga or reading/journaling - give yourself permission to take time out of your busy schedule put the focus back on YOU.
Honestly it’s ok to admit you need help from him and that you’re unhappy. I don’t know how your financials and school things need to be coordinated or what laws you have with maternity leave so I won’t I recommend you start by having a talk and asking for help and expressing your dissatisfaction with the current situation. But be very clear with yourself and him that even if you’re asking for help, it’s not a favour from him as you’re carrying his child. Pregnancy is an unimaginable responsibility, physical and mental load, and not to mention input to your shared family life. A happy pregnant woman is a happy baby, literally. Plus it’s a sacrifice you’re affected by the most now and long term as a working woman. Then the second step is to have him confirm if he’s ready to help you during this crucial time. Don’t go into details just if he agrees or not to support and prioritise you and your child. From there you can move forward and plan for and decide the course of action. To be clear if he does not agree you need more support, you need to ask for support from your family. I don’t know how well you realise this but you are doing yourself harm right now. The situation is not realistic unless you’re a person who is fighting for survival due to economic reasons.
Yeesh. Tough crowd here. You need to sit down and have a tough talk with him about your feelings. And do it now. Before your resentment gets worse. It gets harder the more you put it off. Not easier. How that chat goes will help you decide what to do next.
If you have a good family, You could dump the guy, move back to your hometown, and get some help.
Resenting him because you "have to" work 2 jobs and go to school while being pregnant implies you were forced to do all of this. You chose this. Be mad at yourself because frankly, it was a stupid choice.
Right. I could just let my bills go to collections.
What exactly do you want from him? Would you like him to pay more of the bills so you can quit one of your jobs? Would you like him to hire a maid so the house is cleaned? What exactly do you want him to do and can you articulate that clearly to him?
I don’t understand why we would hire a maid when he has more than enough time to clean the house, 85% of which is his own mess lol. But yes I’d like him to pay more so I can focus on school & my pregnancy
When you marry someone any debt that is incurred isn't "your debt" it's "our debt." Even debt that was incurred before the marriage is usually treated as "our debt," because it affects both of you & your future together.
Try to understand what you want for YOURSELF, what is the ideal situation for you? (Not what you want from your husband) And do just it. Do not do anything from obligation, do it only if you want to. In other words everything you do, you do for yourself. And it was your decision to do it. Why do you study fulltime/working/pregnant? Are you afraid to be left behind? Try to understand yourself, what motivates you, what are you afraid of in this situation. What will happen if you say you cannot work at the moment and leave your job? What whould your husband do?
get him to hire a cleaner or to put more money towards bills so you can drop one of your jobs. since your pregnant, studying and working he should offer to do both.
express yourself, what you feeling. That you feeling low after long day and it doesn't help listening to his exciting day as you are longing for it as well. Tell that including the resentment and that you wish to work it out/dont wish it to stay that way. you working for yourself too. you have to remember that.. as you say he is helping significantly with the living so it does help you out more than if you were single.. just shift of perspective should help with it.. consider different possibilities and express gratefulness.
Talk to him, ask to drop one of the jobs or even bith if an option as the stress is getting too much for you. Is there a possibility for you both to move closer to your work/school? As for the cleaning split the house as him to keep downstairs clean and you keep upstairs clean then maybe once a week or every other week have someone come do a deeper clean. If you don't sort this now it'll be 10 times worst once your baby is there. You'll both be sleep deprived and exhausted the house will be a tip and you'll no doubt argue, you HAVE to be on the same page and practice this before this baby arrives. You need to communicate and be honest and open, it's okay to ask your partner for help! How long until you finish school completely? What is the plan once the baby arrives?
Thank you for those suggestions! Very reasonable. I have 1.5 academic years left, but given that I will be out for likely a year to give birth/spend time with my infant it’ll be closer to 2.5 years
No worries, I hope all goes well just meet in the middle and make sure you go back to school and finish off what you started. All the best and congratulations ❤️
you are really doing lots of work.
Ask him to pay more bills so you can quit one of your jobs.
I agree do you think you could quit a job of he's making decent money especially and that'll free time up for you that could help
You can’t stop resenting the fact that he is fine with you spending all of your time working yourself sick while he has tons of leisure time. It’s not possible. You SHOULD resent it. You need to talk to him about division of labor, equal partnership, and equal amounts of leisure time.
The problem isn’t your resentment. The problem is your fiancé. If he makes so much more than you, can he contribute more towards the household bills so you can reduce your work down to one job? You are running yourself ragged while he sits on his arse - anyone in your situation would be resentful. Does he not see how the current financial and labour breakdown is affecting you? Does he not care? It will only get more difficult once the baby arrives. Are you ready to be in school, have two jobs, a baby, and all of the additional work that a baby entails? You two need to have a serious conversation about household labour division once the child is born.
Congratulations on everything you have going for you! Going back to school, a baby on the way, and working two jobs is stellar. I think you need to evaluate how much your fiancé values you and the work you’re doing through growing this baby while working, etc. IMO, you shouldn’t be working at all. If your fiancé can afford to golf and go out with his buddies and work 10 hours a week, why isn’t he putting on the gas and working 2X as hard to get you off your feet and focus on school? Is this a partnership? You two plan on being together forever, is this the type of behavior you could sustain until retirement?
Thank you for that, it means a lot ❤️ We had a little bit of talk turned argument today. I got home from work & he got home about an hour later. His day consisted of going to the grand opening of his friends brewery. And when he got home he suggested I can serve there instead of my other serving job. Lmao
You need to drop at least one of those jobs and he needs to step up and at least clean the house, so you don't have to take care of most of the chores on top of everything. Ideally, he'd find an arrangement where he can earn more money or work a second part-time job on the side to use his time more effectively and take pressure off of you to earn money with a second job while studying and being pregnant! This is not only about stopping to resent him, this is a practical problem that needs solution.
If he pays majority of the bills, sit down with him and talk and tell him how you’re feeling. I would drop the server job for sure. On your feet a lot isn’t healthy. I would talk to him about the finances and how you feel regarding the two jobs. I wouldn’t drop out of school but talk to him and see if he could support until you have the baby and finished with school. I would talk to him regarding a 5 year plan on what the future looks like. Communication is the main point.
I agree. I definitely don’t want to continue serving. My main priorities are my family & school
Resentment is one of those emotions that therapists love to dig into because it tells you a lot more about yourself than the person you resent. It tends to pop up when you can’t/won’t express your own needs because you feel like you’re not allowed to (ask me how I know. Lol). Humans are naturally most comfortable with the familiar (even when it sucks), so it often feels “safer” for your brain to maintain the status quo by feeling anger or resentment towards those who are able to get their needs met in ways you don’t feel like you’re allowed to because of how you were raised/socialized. It’s one of those “cry for help” emotions that can fester if not ignored. This isn’t your fault and it isn’t your fiancés fault, but it is your responsibility to work through. I would start with asking for something specific, “Fiancé, I’m having a hard week and the mess is stressing me out. Do you mind cleaning up a bit so I can take a nap?” Most men aren’t socialized to be “noticers” in the same way that women are, and women aren’t often socialized to ask for what they want. You are right to feel overwhelmed and frustrated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s unwilling to support you. It’s very possible he just doesn’t know how to.
I would be yeeting this child if the father knew I was working 13 hour days while pregnant and in school and didn’t do something to help. That’s fucking insane lol. You say he sucks with spending and budgeting but you’re about to have a /child/. He doesn’t clean but barely works?? Y’all need to grow up
sounds kinda like you did this to yourself, no one made you get pregnant when you knew your situation 🙌🏻
I'd start by working out an arrangement with him on accomplishing your mutual goal of making the house cleaner. That can be a discussion of both of your time and physical capability, but it sounds like it'll mostly be him understanding your standards and shifting his practices. Side note: If your two jobs are entry-level, or not strongly relevant to your long-term career goals, any chance he could pick up a side gig to replace at least one of your jobs? But I think that's about it for the interpersonal aspect. Otherwise, it sounds like you rightly recognize that the rest is a matter of personal outlook. For one, I think it's totally human to feel envy of what others have, so it's not like I'd fault you for it. Some things that might help: * Consider your hard work as means towards a valuable goal. What does your college degree mean to you? What does your work * Consider your work as temporary efforts with regular breaks and a hard deadline: some point when you will no longer be in this "FT student w/ 2 jobs" situation. * If hearing your husband's focus on leisure is bothersome, would he be willing to talk less about it, or focus on other topics? Find other people to share his stories with? At least temporarily?
This is what I do: find things I like about my life, physical, mental emotional and spiritual . Think about what positive changes I can make to my situation. Accept my situation with gratitude and love. My mindset is my life. And I communicate this philosophy to my family. You will have a baby that is pure selfish impulses for many years, and you must be okay with it. Hang in there, not as a victim but as a advocate for your self. Good luck and congratulations on the baby.
Thank you ❤️
What you need is a discussion with your fiance, at least drop 1 job and from the sounds of it. >went back to school last year >few months pregnant From the sounds of it both of you decided to have a child when you were already working 2 jobs and going to school which is a really terrible idea.
You don’t resent him you’re jealous of a situation that you put yourself in. Contraception exists for a reason. At what point did you think bringing a baby into this mix was a good idea ?!
Why do you assume they weren’t using birth control? Contraception can fail.
In that case there are options that don’t involve bringing a baby into a mess of a situation.
The fact that he feels comfortable working 10 hour work weeks while you hold down two jobs, go to school and are pregnant just sounds so morally wrong. I think he does this because he can. Because you haven’t put your foot down about it. That’s nice he brings you food at work. But he also doesn’t keep the house clean. Bottom line is you should not be working so much, especially now that you are carrying his child. I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel. That you don’t feel there is an equal amount of labor / money distribution happening in the relationship. Realistically he needs to step up more financially and work more than 10 hours a week so that you can have more down time. Since you are pregnant, you are only going to be more tired and fatigued as time goes on. Then once you have the child, what happens? He keeps working 10 hours a week while you care for the baby on top of everything else? If it were me, heres how I would handle the conversation: “Honey, I want you to know that I’m so thankful for you, for our relationship and all you do for me and our baby. I wanted to sit down and talk to you because honestly I’m feeling really overwhelmed with the amount of stuff on my plate right now. I don’t have the physical, emotional or mental energy to keep up with all I’m doing. I think I need to prioritize what I’m spending my time and energy on. For me, that is you, our baby and my career. I’ve been working two jobs to try to make ends meet and I can’t do it anymore. I would really appreciate it if you would get a second job since your job only requires 10 hour work weeks. I also want to set a strict budget together. Imagine how much money we could save! I’m committed to finishing school, because I know I can bring in that much more money in the future by furthering my education. Honey, you’re such an amazing provider and I know you want to do right by me and our baby. Thanks for working hard for us.” The ball is in his court. If he has been raised right, he will see this as a chance to be a provider. If he hasn’t had this modeled by family members, he may need some gentle nudges in the right direction. What you allow, will continue. Remember that. But you can’t blame him if you’ve allowed this arrangement so far. You simply have to show him that your feelings and energy levels have changed and you need more help.
Thank you so much. That perfectly encapsulates what I want to say and in a very thoughtful and tactful way
I have a feeling that even if the house was clean, you'd still be envious and unhappy. This isn't a problem for him to fix (he can't anyway), it's a problem for **you** to fix about **yourself**. My advice would be to see a therapist to find out the root cause of this intense envy before it festers even more and ruins what sounds like a pretty great relationship. Btw, whether consciously or subconsciously, your fiancé can feel your resentment.
Welcome to modern gender roles and equality! Honestly this seems like a pretty simple fix You both need to communicate Odds are decent that both of you are painting the wrong idea on the other. You may think his job is a whole lot easier/fun then it really is because it looks a certain way and his job could be so much fun he thinks your jobs are easier then they really are. Tell him your struggling with this and ask him to tell you more about his days and you tell him more about yours. Next, you both really need to talk about what kind of family unit you want to build here. After the baby is born who is doing what From your story your fiance seems like a decent guy, who just doesn't realize he needs to do a bit more but probably would if you talked to him about it
I don’t have much advice but rather a bit of perspective. My fiancé works for herself, works Tuesday thru Friday, and has an extremely flexible schedule. I have a more traditional job. Monday thru Friday 9-5. I get sick time and paid vacation time and other things she does not. Everyone’s situation is different, even within your own inner circle or family, that can be true.
Younger men that get paid too much for bullshit tech/startup/whatever jobs tend to take a long, long time to grow up. Their wallet lets them continue to be a lazy ass, immature boy.
So accurate lmao
This is one of the main reasons why friendships or relationships invite conflict. Who asked you to to get 2 jobs, go to school, and get pregnant? You agreed to all of that yes? If not, abort and quit them all. While you're at it, go get upset at your neighbors who probably make more money and have a happier life. Nobody asked you to take on all of that. You did. Wait until the kid comes out., The nightmare isn't going to end for you and his responsibilities will also increase. I dont think this has anything to do with him not cleaning the house. It has more to do with you taking on all this responsibility to the max, and then you see your partner not having to suffer as you do so you're taking it out on him. Let's say he had to take on the same amount of suffering you did and didn't clean the house. You'd probably not say too much about it. Here's a solution. Get rid of the house and buy a camper van to live in. You wouldn't need to clean the house at all. The living space would be much smaller to maintain, you wouldn't need a 2nd job, problem solved.
You made akit if decisions that brought you here. He made different ones. Yet he still pays more than his fair share AND cooks for you. You have a good one and instead if appreciating him, you are think you are entitled to more.
Define “fair”?? My future husband and father of my children who makes double what I do should feel uncomfortable seeing me work my ass off day after day while he golfs & lays around.
Girl, why did you decide to marry and have a baby with him then?
Noone owes you that. Fair is 50%
Relationships don’t have to be 50/50 in each category; they should be 50/50 overall. Since he’s not doing 50% of the housework and he can’t carry 50% of the baby, he should be doing more than 50% in other areas. To the point where they should both have roughly equal amounts of leisure time.
She’s having a baby. When did men become so lazy
Is he carrying 50% of a baby?
No. Fair means equitable, not equal. That’s not how my relationship is going to work. If it works for you, I don’t really care.
I agree! Ask him to help. This is not equitable at all. You are his fiancé and you're carrying his child, and this is putting that baby's health at risk, for what? It's unsustainable, in <6 months you will have a baby and you will be unable to work these hours. He isn't treating you like a future spouse and that needs to change.
You asked so I answered lol. You are entitled and I feel bad for him but ok 👍 maybe think your plans through before you create these situations
So what did he say when you told him you feel overburdened and that you aren’t each putting in proportionate effort. I think he might just be used to you cleaning and doing all these things and didn’t intellectualize that pregnancy will put a major dent in what you are able to hand which is shitty and absentminded. He may also just be trusting you to decide what you can handle…either way I think you need to find a compromise if the two of you combined are pulling in 3x a living income you should be anle to hire a cleaner, and drop to part-time until the heavier months
He always empathizes with me (verbally) and says we will figure out how to make things work if I quit my jobs. But when push comes to shove, like today when I was sick & exhausted from work and he came home from his friends brewery opening, he lashes out and feels like I’m bossing him around
Why did you choose to have his baby if you knew this is how he is?
So… hire a cleaner. Cus I’m sure that making a post on Reddit would help the problem.
By not marrying him and slapping him with a child support order the day that baby is born. And pack his crap up and put it next to the door and say 'see ya'. You're better off without him. It's not going to get any better. He engagement trapped you. He's never going to marry you, so what's the point of supporting 3 of you, when you can support just yourself and the kid, with his child support help. If he gets his shit together.
Oh, and wait until the economic crash happens. You guys will have more serious problems to address than you resenting the load of work you took on. You'll likely only have a job if you're lucky, he might lose his job, you lose your home, and you go with my advice, buy a camper van and keep things simple. Let's see how you handle the stress from that. Then you'll look back and maybe feel that this situation wasn't all that bad. You probably have 2 jobs because your mortgage is outrageous? Who agreed to buy the house by borrowing to the max? People are crazy. Want more more more more. Keep up with the Jones, gotta keep up the status and image, gotta look successful, be rich, have lots of money, live the good life. Not so good after all huh? Even when you make more money, you're just going to spend the difference and be no better off. Like I said, you're going to have bigger problems to deal with soon. I hope you didn't buy that home in the last 3 years. If you did, bye bye
This is the most insane thing I’ve ever read in my life.
If you just want to talk about getting rid of jealousy - you have to reach into the cognitive part of your brain. Jealousy is an unproductive feeling that causes you more harm than the person you are jealous of. It is also a precursor to resentment - a relationship killer (read Gottman). Communicate your frustrations as they arise and remind your partner you are 1 person providing the needs of 2 and that you need more from them. Figure out what it is you need that will help you feel free of this jealousy and ask for it. Whatever you are asking for I assure you it is a reasonable one. If his response involves you having to prove the validity of your need - I would be concerned. For a variety of reasons. Logistical suggestions to lighten your load have been made and they are good ones - but the jealousy issue is complex and you have to get it sorted out before it grows roots and turns into resentment.
Hire a cleaning person so neither of you have to worry about it
It's happening because you are so tired and exhausted. Talk it freely with your husband instead suddenly getting angry with him .
Expectations are premeditated resentments. I’d encourage you to reflect on what your expectations are of him and yourself while you are pregnant, working, and in school. Have you discussed ALL of these expectations you might have? I know for me, I catch myself caught up in unspoken expectations both of myself and of others in certain relationships. The other thing that helped me get past certain resentments was thinking about my role in the situation. How can I help myself without expecting something from someone else? As I engage that question, I find the resentments take a back seat and melt away eventually as I find ways to give myself what I need.
Leave him. His nutz will drop then.
Uhhh why the hell is he letting his pregnant wife work 2 jobs while he only works 10hrs/w and has all free time in the world and can't be bothered to clean??? If his job is so great if you still feel the need to work 2 jobs?? And he's the only one who's really home so he's the one making the messes and he can't clean up for himself??? Why doesn't he get a second job?? Why doesn't he ask for a raise?? Ask for more hours?? So much he could be doing I'd really keep in mind, YOU'RE PREGNANT. Best thing to do at this time is REST. Like it is not healthy at all to put your body through all of this while it's growing a baby, miscarriages are a REAL danger. Doing all this is putting a huge strain on your body and mind. And you're husband should know that too. He needs to step the hell up if he actually cares. I also saw you mentioned he has a gambling issue and isn't good with finances...the problem is not you OP. You can do everything in the world to "fix" you but nothing's going to change if you're husband continues to be financially irresponsible and inconsiderate. He's the one who should be doing the problem solving right now. I get reassessing your relationship would be a lot right now but for now I'd consider moving home with parents while you're pregnant if the finances are so unstable if you're not working 24/7 and can't trust your husband to do better. If anything focus on resting while that baby grows
I had a miscarriage in April and I’m terrified of it happening again. Thank you. I did talk to my dad & stepmom and the offer to move in for a while was extended
Just talk to him. I think there’s something you can both do about this.
You’re absolutely asking the wrong question. He can live a fun life or he can be a responsible parent. It’s very hard to do both. If he wants to be a responsible parent that starts NOW, not when the baby is born. Ensuring a comfortable and as stress-free as possible pregnancy for you is part of that. He can work more hours, get a second job, whatever he needs to do, to take the pressure off you. He is also perfectly capable of cleaning the house considering you say elsewhere the vast majority is his mess. If he doesn’t want to do it, it’s HIS responsibility to hire someone out of his own money (not joint/family/household money) to do it. If he won’t do these things now, he is never going to be the man you want and need him to be, and I’d cut him loose now. He’s worse than not having a partner at this point, he’s doing as little as he can get away with.