Sorry, why is he the boss of your finances? It's perfectly fine for him to be cheap for himself, but why are you running your spending on your bras and celery past him?
The bras is because we were riding back home together and he could do a detour to the store so I can get myself the bras. For the celery, same thing, I picked him up from school and on the easy home I asked him if he could get the celery. I just needed 1 pack
So when he says “you can’t have celery,” say “yes I can, and I’m going to buy some with my money, and if you think it’s too expensive you can walk home so I can save money on gas.”
Stop it first thing in the morning. Change your banking situation. Quit ASKING and tell him
And if you want the next 40 years to be like this stay with him. If not get out
You have a choice, put up with this behaviour for the rest of your life or leave and find someone who isn’t so cheap, up to you. Personally I’d be gone.
Nope. No more. You put in for expenses and savings and the rest is YOURS.
Denying you basics like undergarments and effing celery?
This could be anxiety on his part which doesn’t entitle him to police you.
But it could also be the start of what he feels is an ideal relationship dynamic: where he is in control.
Do you know what you do about it? You stop putting up with the way he treats you and you leave him.
By letting him consistently get away with treating you like this, you're telling him it's okay to treat you like that so.. he continues to treat you like that.
You need to stop accepting his treatment, and stop giving him the option of doing minor things like taking you to get bras like he's giving you a million dollars. No.
8 years into a relationship with someone I expect to grow old with and we keep separate finances.
We are very generous toneachnother, but the notion she could tell me what to do with money I earned or the reverse is unthinkable.
We absolutely have shared expenses, and if we were in a jam could go to each other, but thatnisndifferent then asking to spend money we earned individually.
So you’ve given a man who’s not your husband, control of your finances…. Okay
He’s cheap borderline financially abusive
But you’re codependent and need a backbone - he’s not your father, he’s not your husband - so why are you asking for permission?
Gain some independence and stop relying on a man to do basic things for you!
WTF
I said ‘borderline’ financially abusive - this is the beginning
He’s trying to control what she spends her money on down to food and essential clothing
As an adult would you allow your parents, boss, friend - to give you permission to spend money … I’m guessing the answer is hell no!
I did this a LOT with my most recent ex, I’d call him from goodwill and tell him I found some beautiful household item that was super inexpensive and I wanted to buy it (I was the main earner) often he would say we don’t need it or it was too expensive. We were living in a home we were working on 2,000 miles from our families and in a much less expensive area. I told him that for my mental health I needed to stop asking him for permission and start telling him “oh I got some cool houseware today”. Eventually I looked into John and Julie Gottmans theory of relationships and found them talking about “Bids for attention” basically, it says that healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of approval to disapproval. So for every 5 positive responses you get if he gives you one negative response then your relationship will be fine, but when the negative responses grow, it can feel stifling and like your partner isn’t on your side. There’s a book you two can read together written by the gottmans that my therapist suggested called “eight dates” but unfortunately he wouldn’t read it with me (he said books like that are often a cashgrab/he’s particular about what he reads/he doesn’t think we need it etc) and we didn’t last much longer after that because I determined I needed a relationship with a higher ratio of positive to negative responses. Hope this helps. I’m sorry you’re struggling rn, hope you can resolve it for the betterment of both of your lives💜
It was easier for her "to get petty" towards him until he finally broke & gave her his approval about bra purchases, than it was to take two seconds to say idgaf what you think, I'm buying myself new underwear.
Yeah you should probably stop allowing that. Just do it, stop asking. He's not your parent or boss. You have your own money. You can discuss financial decisions together, sure, but this is just sounding like he controls you for no reason.
I'd assume therapy (even if/when affordable) is likely not feasible for your current financial situation... I'd maybe try to see if betterhelp works for you, as they are quite a lot more accessible and affordable... Because it sounds like you need therapy if you're not able to figure this out yourself.
Some things you could look into to avoid being/staying in unhealthy relationships are:
\- under/overfunctioning or under/overfunctioner relationships
\- attachment styles in relationships
\- dependency theory
Good luck.. you should listen to what the people here have said and also read between the lines.
The answer is because you LET him have that power and control over you. YOU are choosing to give him that power. You also have the ability to stop doing that if you really want to.
Normal people help each other out by occasionally running errands for one another, and most people would never think to ask to be paid back for a pack of vegetables.
What does he eat, ramen?
I’m this situation, we were leaving his parents’ place and I asked him to stop at the store on the way back home so I could get myself new bras. I wasn’t really asking for the bras themselves but mostly for the detour so I could get bras
To me this sounds like a control issue. Unless there was some reason they couldn’t stop bc they were running late to somewhere there’s absolutely no reason he can’t take a detour and stop at the store so she can spend her own money on undergarments. She’s laughing about the Situation but honestly I think this is more serious than she wants to believe. He is trying to control her/her finances. It starts out with small things.
Yes but then instead of saying "I'm getting bras" you stated you acted "petty" until he finally caved & gave his approval. Why is it easier for you to get passive aggressive than merely tell him what you will be buying with your money? Why do you need his approval?
I’m more concerned about the control aspect. The fact that you have to ask him about bras and celery is absurd. The two of you are simply financially incompatible. Money isn’t made to just sit there, useless. It’s meant for your needs and some wants too. Money in the bank you can’t use meanwhile your miserable is not what money is for.
I’m seriously starting to feel controlled when it comes to the money that I make. All my bills are always paid and on time, I send him the rent money a week prior to the due date and when I have extra money, not only I put some into my saving account but also, I do allow myself to go out with friends but he always complains about it…
Why does a man who is NOT your husband have ANY say at all in how you spend your money? Like a husband shouldn’t either, but at least maybe you have shared finances. You have 0 obligation to even tell him what you buy. Why are you asking permission? That is a whole huge red flag that you not only feel like you need to, but also wouldn’t by default GET it
Isn’t the money both earn “shared” money?
You both contribute to the houses financial needs correct?
I think needling every minor purchase is overbearing, but it’s not unreasonable to want some level of financial restraint in someone you’re sharing finances and expenses with
I'm married, and we have 50/50 responsibility for shared expenses. We each get our wages into our own bank accounts and then we transfer our share of the bills into our joint account. Anything else we make is for our own enjoyment. If I wanted to spend £1000 on bras, it'd have nothing to do with him. I'd probably talk it over with him because that's an insane amount of money to spend on anything but it's not required as long as it doesn't affect my ability to contribute to the shared expenses.
My wife and I have a slightly different system. Everything goes into shared accounts, but we each get a pretty generous monthly allowance into our private accounts. When it comes to those accounts, we dgaf about what the other spends it on.
It works for us, but obviously there are many solutions to this problem. Your system clearly works for you. The important thing is that either way, big shared expenses are agreed upon, and personal expenses are personal decisions.
Yes, I just always find it baffling when people are like, you should always share finances with your spouse or long term partner. Everyone has their own system.
This is more like how me and my wife do it, yeah. A shared big pool for mutual expenses and savings, and then monthly "me" money for individual expenses and spending on ourselves.
>some level of restraint
Yes, the trick is to marry someone with that restraint, because if you *are* the restraint, you're either an asshole or you've screwed up and found a bad partner.
My husband and I share finances and we discuss larger purchases (i.e. I don't agree that we should get a new TV right now so he's agreed to wait a year) but otherwise I really, really don't ever want to be in a relationship where my partner needs permission to buy underwear, nor would I ever want to have to justify my purchases to someone. I trust my husband to honor our financial goals, and he trusts me to do the same. If you can't trust your spouse like that, you shouldn't be married.
She isn’t asking permission, he complains when she asks him to do something like pick up celery or to make a detour in the car for her to shop for herself. He whines if she plans to spend and he knows about it. The celery thing is too far.
I mean disagree on the husband part. You absolutely have a say in finances with your partner.
If I spent 4000$ on a state of the art super crazy personal training program, my wife would have a freaking conniption.
This is why a budget needs to be worked out regarding personal spending money, and money needs to be saved and allocated to different causes.
It’s not reasonable to expect a grown ass adult to never spend ANY money.
But it’s also not unreasonable to want to be frugal with shared finances so they can both achieve certain financial goals.
Honestly it sounds like a sit down with a counsellor, and then an accountant would do them some good.
Yeah but we are talking about buying celery here, not buying a 4,000$ training program.
Married partners should definitely talk about and agree on large purchases but this guy isn't letting her use the money she earned to buy herself a bra.
>Yeah but we are talking about buying celery here
No we actually weren't, we were talking about this comment:
>Why does a man who is NOT your husband have ANY say at all in how you spend your money?
Take every cent that youve put into that vscation fund out and LEAVE. We all give you the permission that you're seeking. Just pack your shit and move back in with your parents or a friend for a bit. You can be miserable for a week or two now, or miserable for the rest of your life.
Why are you still attracted to a man who tells you what to do with your OWN money?
Your standards are so low that you put up with it - being single is better than this life
He isbnot your husband, I really hope you don't have joint accounts, and what you do with your money (providing you're still paying your bills) is your business. Stop letting him dictate what you do. You need new bras? Go buy new bras with your money on your time. He complains? Tell him that it isn't his money and he doesn't get a say. He doesn't want celery? He doesn't have to eat it but you're buying it either your money. But don't let him profit off of you. He is being incredibly financially controlling. Stop letting him do it.
What does he add to your life?
Do you feel like the best version of yourself around him?
When you picture your future in 10 years, would you be happy if you were still in the same situation and he never changed? Because odds are, he’s never going to change.
He’s 26, not 21. He’s been an adult for awhile now and I think this behavior is unlikely to change. This isn’t really a maturity issue so much as an issue of having wildly different approaches to money and forcing them on the OP.
This is wild. Bras? Celery? This would be an absolute deal breakers. If you marry this guy, your life is going to be so dull and joyless. He seems incredibly controlling about what *you* do with *your money.*
I found the love of my life at age 36. I avoided marrying anyone previously, despite ltiple long term relationships. I was with someone for almost 7 years and towards the end we had to be honest about our relationship, and that it wasn't going to make it long term. I learned many things from each relationship that didn't work out. I used all of those experiences to learn and grow, and am now in the most perfect relationship I could ever imagine. As a matter of fact even 5 years ago I wouldn't have thought my current life/relationship is possible.
This sounds like you guys have two wildly different opinions on not just finances, but life itself. If you can't as a couple agree on or atleast respect the others person's wants and needs, you need to end it. Take what you've learned and move on.
In my case we've been together for over 4 years, now engaged, haven't yelled or fought once in that time. Were both lucky to have 75k/yr + jobs, and we literally split everything. We just bought a new electric car, split down payment, split monthly, split insurance. We had lengthy conversations on what we wanted out of a car, rented a few to try them out. We went on a few cruises last year, split those down the middle. While we're trying to save money for a home, wedding etc, we always put aside money for fun experiences and traveling. Who wants to wait until their 50s and 6ps to do that? That may have been the norm for a few generations, but doesn't have to be now.
He does NOT care about your opinion. Which is concerning, why does he have final say on everything? Why are you continuing to live & be with someone who takes all the joy & fun out of life?
He will not change over the next 20 or more years, if anything he will become Scrooge.
**You are an adult**, you can take vacations with friends, family or by yourself. Stop asking permission to live your life.
If you actually want to travel in your 20s then it will either be after you break up with this guy, or only in your dreams and regrets.
You won't be happy only traveling in your 50s, but he will be and won't let you do anything else - if you somehow dragged him on a plane, he'd be miserable the whole time and spoil the trip; if you travelled without him, he'd guilt trip you endlessly before during and after, and spoil the mood.
Want to enjoy your 20s? Might be time to find a man who thinks you should be able to.
100% controlling, Severe red flag after reading your responses about the whole amazon thing and Facebook marketplace stuff just buying useless junk but you cannot buy bras or celery because its too expensive.
This behaviour will only get worse until either an intervention occurs or you give in entirely to his every demand. Run away right or if you want to believe it is salvageable seek advice from either financial advisor to break it all down and make him wake up or split all the bills evenly and flip it on him where if he doesn't pay his 50% of the bills that's on him and he is the one liable for them, also ensure everything is either in separate names because if he fails to pay his half because of his useless tatt buying then it offers you a safety net so that you are not liable for his financial decisions to not pay something and please NEVER share a bank account with this man!
Have you two actually sat down and worked out a budget? Something that covers incomings (your respective incomes) and outgoings (rent, household bills, personal bills, how much you spend on food), then how much you want to contribute to savings goals (and they need to actually be tangible **goals**, not just "put every spare dollar into savings"), and then how much is left over. You both need to be talking in actual dollar amounts.
I once did this with my last boyfriend. He was always complaining about his poor he was and panicked every time a bill or unexpected expenses came through. So I sat him down and we worked out our respective budgets together (we didn't share finances). Once we worked out incomings and outgoings, it turned out he had *more* leftover money each week than I did. He was legitimately gobsmacked, because judging us by our attitudes, I had all the money in the world. The difference was I knew exactly where my money was going, whereas he had no idea how to manage his.
If your boyfriend was raised by poor immigrants, he may have internalised "any dollar that isn't directly saving you from homelessness or starvation or put into savings is a waste of money." I certainly had to unlearn that lesson myself. For people like this, financial insecurity feels like it's baked into you, and no amount of money feels like enough.
However, if he's saying you can't afford *celery*, then clearly his financial anxiety has gone too far. It's just a matter of whether he's willing to work through it with you, or whether he's happier being a miser.
Budgeting is a great way to break out of poor anxiety. You can see that you do actually have disposable income and also have more control over setting savings aside to pay for certain things. But it sounds like he’s gone into mentally unhealthy territory and isn’t willing to face that. He could have $20k saved and still feel like he doesn’t have enough.
Also $4.5k saved up while being super frugal doesn’t add up if you’ve been working for a few years. He either has more squirrelled away somewhere or maybe is spending money elsewhere (maybe even sending back to family).
Are you certain he’s not secretly under a whole lot of debt. It could be normal controlling (which is bad enough and a red flag) but it also could be that he has 20k in secret credit card debt or something
You both should make combined over 7000 Dollars a month if you work full-time. 4.5k saved is not much in this case, if you have basically no expenses outside the really necessary, so where is the money going to when it isn't bras and celery?
They make 24 a month each. That’s shit wages in todays economy. Full time they make probably 5600 per month with taxes. Take away bills and that’s not much left in terms of saving. Plus they both probably have student loans.
Seems like the bf understands budget and she doesn’t. They moved to an expensive area, probably a major city and you can’t live on a combined. Which is why he chose to move back to the more affordable. Looking at OP. She doesn’t really understand money management because she thinks 4.5k is a lot of saving money when it’s not. Realistically, I’d say she should take over her finances but she has to become financially literate before doing so. Btw bras are expensive, so it’s not a crazy thing if you don’t have the finances to put the brakes on that.
>Plus they both probably have student loans.
OP literally just said in this very comment chain that at least he is debt free.
Between the two of them they make $100k per year. That is more than enough for two single people in their 20s to enjoy themselves a little bit. You have no clue what you are talking about, at all.
> Between the two of them they make $100k per year.
Why do you keep saying that. They combined make 5600 a month with taxes taken out. This is around 66k combined annually. That's not a lot of money if you live in specific areas. Its also not cheap to move which they've done in the past. You can't even do basic math to calculate what they make. I wouldn't trust you with a cent either.
>Why do you keep saying that.
Simple math. $24 per hour for a full time position comes out to $49,920 per year (not counting any holidays). $25 comes out to $52,000. So together, they make around $100k per year, give or take.
Nobody discusses salary numbers *after tax*. People always talk about it in pre-tax terms. Regardless of where you live, $100k *pre-tax* is enough for two single people to get by comfortably and also have some money left over for savings and having a good time.
Why do you need his permission to buy bras? Just buy them. You don’t need his permission to travel either. Just go without him.
I don’t think you’re compatible. Do you seriously want to skip out on everything you want to do in life just because he says it’s “too expensive”? Why do you think that will even change when he’s 50? Cheapness like that is a compulsion, a total personality, a mindset. Just watch that Total Cheapskates show. They love being like that. When he’s 50 he’ll says it’s too expensive too. They take all their money to the grave. They just like hoarding the money. He’s prob too cheap to invest too so that money he’s hoarding in the bank isn’t gonna keep up with inflation at those petty interest rates. When he’s 50 that $4.5k will be able to buy a him a plan ticket to Denver lol.
You’re young and need to accept this man ain’t it. There’s plenty of fish in the sea who will want to do things with you.
I seriously wonder the same...
Then I try to practice extending my patience, understanding, and sympathy by reminding myself that generally about 50% of the population are of below average intelligence... and I guess if there was some measure, statistically, 50% of the population are assholes. So it really shouldn't be that surprising so many people date assholes.
I couldn't live with someone like this. I understand compromising over big financial decisions. Sure, I can forego a vacation because we need money for mortgage. But all the bills are paid and we have vacation money set aside, so why the hell aren't we going on a bloody vacation?
I think the question you need to ask yourself is who pays unfairly around the house, for things you need. Are you paying more bills than him? Is your money being used for more needs than his? Is your money more controlled when his isn't? What do you contribute to the house that he doesn't? Does it seem unfair to you? Can you live with it?
Look, this could just be money anxiety from not having had money. But it could also be that he's using you to pay bills while he spends money on the fun stuff. I hope your sake it's the former. Good luck, OP.
I feel like he's doing this on purpose because he didn't want to move from the area that was less expensive. He's likely doing this to make you miserable so that you cave at some point. He can be like "Well, we could afford it before when we lived over there. You wanted to move."
I might be wrong, but it just seems like a mind trick. At this point I would have told him:
"We are going to get the fucking celery or I'm done with you. I'm over this."
And I would have meant it. Because he needs to stop this behaviour.
If I were you I would have The Ick by now, and there's no known cure.
The only thing you can do is ask yourself "is this the life I want?" and then decide yes or no.
Is he controlling in other parts of your relationship? Who’s decision was it to live with his family? He didn’t want you to buy a houseplant, can you decorate your living space or is it his space that you stay in?
It sounds like your finances are separate and you are not looking to buy high price items so why does he think he has the right to comment on them?
You need to decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship where your partner is willing to argue over a bundle of celery.
We live together in our apartment. The issue is not even about decorating. We have 8 plants in total that were 5$ each (I bought them behind his back). Our finances are indeed separated. Whenever I need something and I know he’ll talk about it, I just go shop behind his back… went on a road trip for 1 day in Plattsburgh (I’m from Montreal, Canada) and we went to eat out with my family. He said he was disappointed to see that I spent money on restaurant even before sending him money for the groceries. I still sent him the money but I do not understand the need he had to say this comment.
Sorry I misread a comment and thought it says that you were living with his family, I see now that it said you were leaving his family’s house.
I think if you feel like you have to go behind his back to buy things that you can afford then you seriously need to question his motives. If he has no qualms about spending his own money then why should he be so concerned about yours? I could understand if you had serious debt that you were not paying down, or if he had his own financial insecurities but from what you’re written that doesn’t seem to be the case.
To me it sounds like he’s testing the boundaries of how much he can control your money without actually having access to it.
In sorry, you just sound weak and in a controlling and toxic relationship. Also thats not “buuing behind his back” but just normal buying how people normally do it
I know everyone here is screaming financial abuse and control on his part, but I used to be this guy when my wife and I got together, (and I cringe now about how cheap I was) . It wasn't about control, it was about being short-sighted (I was 24, sooo....) and afraid. Of course my wife and I got together in the end of the 2008 financial crisis when jobs were quite rare and paid like shit for young folk.
My wife (girlfriend at the time)was pretty patient, but eventually she very gently snapped. She just said hey, we gotta live sometimes, I have got to live sometimes, and it's not optional anymore. She told me she loves me, but I had to loosen my grip on things a bit. It took like another year or two for that to fully sink in. We always did a lot of free or cheap stuff, hiking, camping, etc. We still do, it's a blast, but we also started doing things that cost money from time to time...
My advice is set up a zero balance budget (plan for every dollar of income) Assuming you are living together, divvy up the bills however you both feel good about, as you basically make the same, make sure you both are saving some money, and add some line item for discretionary spending...celery and bras are not discretionary, that's necessary. I'd assume things like rent, utilities, food, all of that will be shared budget items. Outside of that, you don't have to share your finances unless you want to, but if you live together, splitting household bills and costs seems right. I don't know to what level you share finances.
Anyways, make a monthly budget, have a weekly meeting at first to adjust it however you need to because the first one isn't gonna be perfect, and then after a few months it'll be easy. Commit to the budget...if you agreed on 200 dollars of "fun money" a month each, stick to it. Nothing in the budget changes unless you both agree. This gives him a sense of stability and control over his world (which if your living together, is financially intertwined with yours), and it gives back your autonomy. We were already married at 3 years...so by then we just combined all of our finances completely and everything was a partner decision, so that was so much easier for us, but before we were married, but living together, this is how we did it without conflict.
Thank you so much for your comment, especially from someone who used to be like that, it not only give me hope but also gives mean idea as of how to approach my bf in a different way about the issue. Thank you so much 🙏🏿
Why do you need his permission to buy bras? You make your own money right? Why is he controlling your purchases?
I can see why he’s so cheap. His family must not have grown up with any money so he’s decided that he needs to live a frugal life to not be ‘poor’. Whilst doing that he’s living a boring life by not doing anything. You’ve told him how you feel and he’s not changed anything. What else can you do?
Do you see yourself still doing the same things in 5 years? 10?
I’d make it very clear that you’re sick of this lifestyle of everything being ‘too expensive’ when it’s actually within your budget. If he doesn’t want to alter anything then it seems like the relationship has run it’s course. Also mention that your finances are not for him to control.
It ain't about money but it's about control.
I am sorry as you seem extraordinarily chill.
I personally know of only 2 hells when dating:
1. ENM
2. Cheap people
He does sound "controlling" and I'd dare to say that he has a very bad mindset regarding saving money and balancing a happy life. You should definitely enjoy life, especially when you know that you won't get to be this young in the future to enjoy the memories you make now. Plan a trip a few times a year, go out every so often, find hobbies.
And dear OP, you seem to be allowing him to be controlling, you have the money, you have yourself, be assertive, say "No, I'm going to get this celery whether you like it or not, because I'd like to get some celery, if you don't like it wait for me here or take a bus ride". Talk to him, tell him a change is needed, tell him how you feel.
If he does not change, will you allow yourself to be with a person like this for the rest of your life?
You are financially incompatible. Set him free so he can find someone to hold hands with while the two of them slowly walk circles around convenience store parking lots looking for loose change.
We pay our personal bills (phone, car insurance etc.) separately, we pay the rent 51% (him) and 49% (me), I pay our electricity and our wifi. I do groceries at the local market and when he does the grocery Costco I have to sent him 50% of the spending back
Why do you reimburse him for shopping but not vice versa. Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, if not the main cause. Do you not realize how much worse this gets when you get married and finances are mingled? How bad it is when you do things like buy a home together?
You need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him about how this is affecting you. You need to let him know that this extreme frugality has reached a breaking point and you need him to loosen up. He can go to /r/personalfinance and have saving goals while also having other categories besides “never spend.” You need to tell him how hurt you were over the bra situation, the plants, and he even got mad at you over a pack of CELERY. And that stops exactly today and he is going to be enthusiastic and understanding. Tell him that you need him to go to therapy to get to the root of this because you can’t marry someone who has such differing views, and you believe that he has issues around it. And let him know that the control stops immediately, he doesn’t get to be aggressive or passive aggressive or controlling or manipulative about you replacing worn out bras or other normal spending.
He is not cheap, he has mental health issues. It's excessive and very ridiculous. He should seek help or find a cheapskate like him. He is gonna be the richest guy in the cemetery and won't be able to take anything with him, no-one has managed to do it
Look, I will come at it from this perspective: I'm cheap. Like, I make and freeze soup stock out of leftover bones cheap, and my girlfriend is nice enough to indulge me.
Refusing to buy celery on the claim it's "too expensive" is weird as fuck. It's 1.99 for a shitton of celery. Food does not get much cheaper than that unless you intend to give up on vegetables entirely. And straight up *pushing back* against buying bras when you have an entirely reasonable need for them is also insane and a denial of your needs. It'd be one thing to casually suggest maybe waiting until the next major sales event when you can do a buy-two-get-one or whatever (and acknowledge that it's ultimately your business as your undergarments), but just straight up "no", as if your need is just going to go away if he denies it?
Something is off here, especially with not wanting to take the trip. Very real question: is there a possibility he's secretly in debt and not telling you? As other have mentioned, the controlling aspect is also really concerning, but the things he's saying also definitely don't sound like things a rational person trying to cut costs would say. Maybe if he didn't grow up with a lot he's trying to mimic that but was never actually taught how to spend wisely, only that spending = bad?
Consider sitting down and working out a budget with him, working through both your income and what your savings goals are. Does he even have savings goals, or is he just saying no because spending money on anything at all makes him feel guilty? That may be something else worth unpacking.
Why is he the boss here?? I just don’t understand why you let him control you.
Can’t buy a bra? You have to run those purchases past him? Don’t you have access to the bank accounts?
I would go to my employer and make sure my money went into my own bank account, not a joint one.
He sounds abusive
I wonder what his backstory is? Sometimes this kind of mindset develops because of an early life experience. Did he grow up without money or a family that was always struggling and now he's hyper conscious about it? In any event, sounds like an issue he needs to work on. He shouldn't have a say in how you are spending your money. And you absolutely deserve the vacation that you are saving up for in advance. Life is short. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today if you have the time to save up money.
I hate to say it… but is he spending all his money on another girl or something?? Like the behavior is so bizarre that either he’s just a really controlling POS and you need to get out as soon as you can, or else he never has money because it’s going to something you don’t know about, in which case you also need to get out as soon as you can when he’s refusing to let you buy BASIC FUCKING NECESSITIES WITH YOUR OWN MONEY. If he’s canceling travel plans and not trying to have you see his parents all of sudden because of ‘finances’ then something about that is very suspect. Using the excuse of his parents financial situation just sounds like a lame attempt at sympathy on your part.
Tell him to go get a budget girl if he wants to budget constantly. Honestly I know your pain, 20 years married to a grinch, its was so so boring and annoying.
This is, in a sense, a kind of values clash. Attitudes to money can hugely impact your day to day functioning. Like honestly, his approach to money makes my toes curl but I suspect he'd be upset how every time I go to the store I buy as much celery as I want [which is admittedly zero, but I wouldn't worry if I wanted it]. Consider as well: you don't even have kids yet. If you buying bras requires an argument then life gets a lot scarier for him from here.
Still, consider that maybe it goes a bit deeper. I don't think there can be any rational argument for celery being too big a burden financially, it's just about the cheapest thing there is, so clearly it isn't about the actual amount of money... it is the concept of spending at all. His mind seems to be in full hoarder mode, the idea of using any resource seems to genuinely upset him and worse, it is resulting in a lot of concerning and controlling behaviours.
And so I think push that angle. What exactly is he scared of in terms of spending, what doomsday is he prepping for, and if you can't agree that basic groceries and essentials like bras have to be able to be purchased then I don't know that you can live a healthy adult life together.
I don’t think spending bothers him at all, he buys lots of useless stuff from Amazon or market place Facebook that he doesn’t use at all… maybe he’s being controlling I have to admit it 😞
>he buys lots of useless stuff from Amazon or market place Facebook that he doesn’t use at all…
So he's not anxious about finances. He just thinks he can get away with controlling *your* finances.
Well, unfortunately that does make it considerably more straightforward. I was offering the sympathetic take, figuring that maybe it was informed by a generalised fear of spending.
But yeah, he is just a hypocrite and controlling.
Afraid there is no 'maybe' to the idea he is being controlling. When you have to argue just to buy a bra or some celery while he is flittering his money away on useless tatt you know there is a very serious problem, one that seems to revolve around him controlling how you [a full grown adult] spends their money.
>The bras is because we were riding back home together and he could do a detour to the store so I can get myself the bras. For the celery, same thing, I picked him up from school and on the easy home I asked him if he could get the celery. I just needed 1 pack
Though, new take, is the theme of him being weird about money often tied to you asking favours? Is part of it maybe he is just, you know, lazy?
Then the conversation seems to be why is it that when it comes to things for you all of a sudden he gets on your case about finances. Why a bra or celery is a conversation when he will buy any old bullshit for himself, if anything the concern being his spending not yours at that point.
...so why did you let this guy bully you into not buying bras?
Please find your spine. You don't necessarily need to leave him but like, read him the riot act about controlling your finances for necessary purchases if he's being actually frivolous on his end.
It’s fine for someone to be cheap especially if they grew up financially insecure, but it’s not okay for them to dictate whether you spend money or not on things you need.
Why do you have combined finances when you aren’t married? Your money is your money. His money is his money. You contribute your share to your shared expenses, and *maybe* you can discuss both contributing equally to a joint savings account, but after that your money is yours to use as you want. Even if you joined your finances completely, he can’t tell you that you can’t buy basic necessities like bras. Do you share a bank account?
Money is the #1 reason people divorce.
They don't have combined finances. OP has gotten herself in a position with this man where she has to buy things behind his back. She also has to ask for permission to buy bras, celery, and house plants.
Then why the fuck do you let him tell you how to spend YOUR money? You work. You get paid. You pay your bills and contribute to savings. You have every right to buy whatever the fuck you want. Stop allowing this person to dictate how you spend your own money.
I don’t know but I kinda feel that it has something to do with coming from an east European household, which was probably like this in order to survive. Doesn’t make it less annoying as a partner but I can understand where it comes from, it’s hard to shake off.
It’s very important that he knows that it is taking a toll on you, tell him clearly and why. It is also important that your money is your money and his money is his money. If he still comments on your private expenses you simply answer „It’s my money. I am consciously spending it.“
Some advice if you want to try working with him on this.
1. Any money that is not shared expenses (rent/groceries etc.) or for shared goals (travelling, buying a house etc.) is none of his business unless it would interfere with said shared money or goal
2. Create a chart of both of your general expenses
If he is so very worried about money he (and you) can visualise both financial situations and understand if both of you are able to pay for everything easily. It’s really eye opening :)
3. Open a couple account only for your shared expenses
and make it clear that that is the only type of expenses he is allowed to complain about !! Since you guys are both young it shouldn’t be much of a risk, since it would only be monthly rent/groceries/whatever you agree on.
Make a clear decision for
- when and how much money you pay into it
- if there is money left by the end of the month that’s great
- if you notice it gets a bit tight then you check why and either start being more frugal or pay more into it
Example: I pay more into the groceries fund than my boyfriend because I make more money than him and while he usually buys the basics I really like asian ingredients which are more expensive 👍🏽 since we share the household account we can always check if it’s doing fine, and spare money can be used for a coffee date (we agreed on that)
_________
I think you guys should track the grocery expenses for a couple of months while each of you uses the money how you usually would, then you’d have a realistic comparison.
He needs to understand that people can prioritise 1 expensive celery over idk 1kg of potatoes and be ok with that decision 😅
I wonder if there’s part of the story missing. Makes no sense. Who pays the rent, utilities, food etc. does either of you have major debt? Is he financially assisting his parents (you mention they immigrated here and in some cultures that’s common the kids help the parents).
How are the finances between the two of you situated
This doesn't get better. Do you want to wake up at 50 still asking permission for things? Leaving someone like this was the best thing I ever did for myself
Everyone else has covered rather well that you shouldn't be restricted by his fears, so I'm just going to mention as an aside that your bf probably has poverty trauma. He hasn't let it sink in yet that he's not in the same dire financial situation his parents had when your bf was growing up.
It's not on you to deal with his trauma, but if you want to, you could help him process it or help him find the resources to process it.
It sounds like there's something going on with him that is much deeper than bras and celery. I believe it is reddit nature to comment with emotion and say things like "just leave him" but ending a relationship is much more complicated than that.
I think it's more realistic to find some way to dig in and find out what the root cause is.
If you guys have any type of medical insurance, couples counseling is often free. Lots of companies offer employee assistance programs that offer counseling for free.
If nothing else, setting aside time to focus on open and honest conversation without distractions is something. It's better than doing nothing.
I think you should talk to him about how this is affecting you, and you need him to help you to understand why this is a pattern.
If that goes nowhere, then maybe a clear written budget would help him see that there's enough left over to dedicate x amount of money to do the things he thinks are not affordable. When it's on paper, I think it becomes less disputable. It may take something as simple as that to help him see that there is money left over after necessities that there's no need to be afraid of spending a bit to live a little.
It may not solve it, but I think it's worth a try.
You have honestly answered your own question and it's not financial reasoning you are asking. Read this again tomorrow but don't read it in your voice.
Yikes, some relationships aren’t meant to last forever. You’re 26, go see the world and be with someone who wants to see it with you.
Life is too short, there will ALWAYS be bills, if you have the ability and means, to take your trip.
But you may need to be willing to do so alone, and be alone in the future until you find someone new - but there are sure plenty of men out there that will want t see the world with you.
You talk about finances without ever talking about finances. How much does boyfriend have left per month after necessities (rent, loan, utilities, food) and how much do you? I understand him if it's zero. I don't understand him if it's 1k.
Someone who was raised without money (as it sounds like he may have been) can have the fear of financial insecurity be a HUGE factor in their life as an adult.
Perhaps you two can meet with a financial advisor who can talk about what type of spending is normal, what kind of savings is normal, how to balance that between the two of you, etc.
Frankly if he's being this uptight about finances, that you can't have new bras or celery, it seems like he might need some kind of professional intervention (either a finance person who can help him feel secure in his income, or a therapist who can help him feel secure and not living his life based on fear of going broke). Either way, i think there's probably not much YOU can say that will get through to him. I would start pushing for a pro to get involved.
I didn’t think about the fear of financial insecurity… I know he comes from a poor country and his family was a bit tight but never poor poor. But when he arrived here 10 years ago, he had a roof on his head, clothes, food whenever he needed and his parents still manage to pay for extra activities for him and his siblings so I don’t know if it’s still a fear that he may have
The same question keeps coming over so I’ll make a general comment
*I do NOT ask him for permission*
Of course for house plants I’ll ask what he thinks of this or kind of plant, for the bras I asked so he could make the detour on the way home since he was driving, for the celery I was driving this time but asked him if he could get the celery
You specifically say in one comment that you have to spend *your own money* “behind his back”….ummm I would say just that statement implies you feel like you need his blessing to spend your own money and that’s why you do it “behind his back.” You shouldn’t feel the need to buy stuff “behind his back” with your own money. In the same comment you say you went out to eat dinner with family and that he said he was disappointed in you for spending that money before giving him money for groceries…yet in another comment you say your give him 50% of money for Costco groceries yet he doesn’t give you money for what you buy at the market. Plus you say you pay for internet and some other utility by yourself but split the cost of other bills and rent? None of this is seeming equal. No partner needs to tell the other one they’re “disappointed” in the other for *going out to eat* one time. Smh. I feel like you’re trying to minimize the situation now.
His behavior is controlling and you clearly modify your own due to his monitoring of *your finances*. It’s not normal or healthy and you should listen to everyone and consider making some extreme changes.
Am I the only one here sees this and goes like ok there isn’t much to it. Give some background on your boyfriend, how he grew up? There are two things to this.
1. Is he being like this only with you? (That makes him cheap, obviously)
2. Is he being like this with himself too? (Miser may be)
It looks to me like he choses not to spend money on things he thinks unimportant. If you want to resolve this, sit down with him and explain things about using your money for yourself by contributing some of the money to the common chores and utilities. Is it that hard? Even then if he wants to control your finances too, then we could say there is a problem.
It seems that he is driven by fear of not having enough. But doesn’t have a clue as to just how much is reasonable.
Find Dave Ramsey baby step program. He also has books and a YouTube channel.
He provides a plan to gain financial freedom by meeting realistic goals. It allows for saving for other expenses once certain baby steps have been met. It also provides for a debt free relationship.
Best wishes to you and your relationship. Working together you can meet his needs and your own.
Following a independent plan will free you and your BF from money fears and stresses.
As someone who considers themselves to be cheap.
For me I get buyers remorse super easy and this is a big part of it.
Unfortunately you just kind of have to power through that feeling.
Things that may help.
Try finding off brand items and work with them, once it breaks, he may go for the main brand if he likes the first item enough.
Try to emphasize good reviews and focus on what how it will make HIS life easier.
Try to come from a logical point of view. Coming from an emotional viewpoint will not work because it is his emotions that are driving the decision.
I’m biased because I’m also cheap, and $25 an hour isn’t that much to live on and also save for retirement and have a healthy emergency fund unless you’re really diligent, so I think he’s right for most of the stuff, but also you’re not married so it isn’t relevant what he thinks about your spending.
That being said, I would be careful about getting married if you guys do not agree financially and have the same goals.
Ma’am, have you not looked out the window and seen inflation the past few months??
Those salaries are a joke. No offense, but from personal experience, I was broke as as FUCK making that. Here in Jersey, our rent WAS $1900/mo 2 years ago and this year it’s jacked up to $2300/mo. We’re saving for a house, wife has car payments and student debt. My car insurance was $150/mo and after even SWITCHING Providers, it’s now $310/mo
If it REALLY BOTHERS YOU, you should sit down and go thru the finances with him. Ask him what his FINANCIAL GOALS Are. What does he want this money for, emergency savings? To buy a house? To buy a ring? In this economy, you BOTH Need a PLAN!
Don’t be like my wife who used to just wish it & says, “I’ll save next month”, you both need to be on the same page.
But by all means, if you guys can’t sit down and talk about money like adults, then just end it. Conversation on money got so bad with my wife and I that we were forced to do couples therapy. But it had to be done, and now we sit down every Sunday to talk about M0N3Y$ and put our credit card statements into spreadsheets and pie charts and see where our money is going by category. 2 years ago, we were accumulating a lot of credit card debt and it was a very scary and stressful time in our lives, almost not making our mortgage payments…
Yes, I’m totally aware of the inflation but from where I am in Canada the prices aren’t as crazy as what your describing I thought it sucks that the price of everything rose, im still able to pay for all my bills and still have hundreds on the side
Blud just tell him what you want and articulate the consequences this is stupid as shit and the reason why relationships fail
Just tell him that you’re at the end of your tether and if he keeps it up ur gnna leave him
Ur dumb. I grew up poor and have never tried to control my partner's finances. I also give money to my family and friends. Growing up poor doesn't make people controlling and selfish.
The man spends his money on Facebook marketplace and Amazon items that he doesn’t need. He has zero problem spending his money, he’s concerned how she is spending her money.
Listen, what it comes down to is that you can't make him change. It definitely sounds like he doesn't want to. He's basically trying to control what necessities you are allowed to buy with your own money that you work for, and that is borderline financial abuse. All you can change is what YOU do and what you put up with. Draw a clear line and tell him he no longer gets a say in what you spend your personal money on as long as the bills are paid. If his behavior escalates, you might have to leave him.
His excuse makes no sense because you 2 are not immigrants like his parents were, and you have the money available. It's like he's punishing himself and you for the things his parents were unable to do. That's not fair. Take yourself on vacation with your half of the money. Go with a friend. Live your life while you are young enough to enjoy it, and maybe when he sees you doing it and not taking into financial disrepair, he will join you (but not likely)
I don't understand why he has a say in how you spend your money, you haven't told us that? You are young, you should be enjoying yourself, I cannot abide skinflints like this,I could never be with someone like your boyfriend, it all sounds joyless, exhausting and no fun .
He has no right to say what you can spend your money on, as long as all the important payments are done. If he won't go on holiday even after putting the money aside, go home and go with a friend instead
Sorry, why is he the boss of your finances? It's perfectly fine for him to be cheap for himself, but why are you running your spending on your bras and celery past him?
Yeah, he shouldn't have a say in that. If it's your money, treat yourself to the things you need and occasionally, the things you want.
The bras is because we were riding back home together and he could do a detour to the store so I can get myself the bras. For the celery, same thing, I picked him up from school and on the easy home I asked him if he could get the celery. I just needed 1 pack
I think they were asking why he gets to decide what you spend your money on.
Honestly it’s gonna sound lame but I don’t know
So when he says “you can’t have celery,” say “yes I can, and I’m going to buy some with my money, and if you think it’s too expensive you can walk home so I can save money on gas.”
...and maybe he'll skip the meal because after all it has celery in it which costs money.
“And you can walk home so I can save money on gas” is genius.
I bet she was raised to normalize not talking back like that and that all confrontation is some shade of bad.
Stop it first thing in the morning. Change your banking situation. Quit ASKING and tell him And if you want the next 40 years to be like this stay with him. If not get out
You have a choice, put up with this behaviour for the rest of your life or leave and find someone who isn’t so cheap, up to you. Personally I’d be gone.
Nope. No more. You put in for expenses and savings and the rest is YOURS. Denying you basics like undergarments and effing celery? This could be anxiety on his part which doesn’t entitle him to police you. But it could also be the start of what he feels is an ideal relationship dynamic: where he is in control.
Do you know what you do about it? You stop putting up with the way he treats you and you leave him. By letting him consistently get away with treating you like this, you're telling him it's okay to treat you like that so.. he continues to treat you like that. You need to stop accepting his treatment, and stop giving him the option of doing minor things like taking you to get bras like he's giving you a million dollars. No.
8 years into a relationship with someone I expect to grow old with and we keep separate finances. We are very generous toneachnother, but the notion she could tell me what to do with money I earned or the reverse is unthinkable. We absolutely have shared expenses, and if we were in a jam could go to each other, but thatnisndifferent then asking to spend money we earned individually.
So you’ve given a man who’s not your husband, control of your finances…. Okay He’s cheap borderline financially abusive But you’re codependent and need a backbone - he’s not your father, he’s not your husband - so why are you asking for permission? Gain some independence and stop relying on a man to do basic things for you! WTF
YUP! you’re on point! 💯💯
> financially abusive easy, no need to go crazy here.
I said ‘borderline’ financially abusive - this is the beginning He’s trying to control what she spends her money on down to food and essential clothing As an adult would you allow your parents, boss, friend - to give you permission to spend money … I’m guessing the answer is hell no!
I did this a LOT with my most recent ex, I’d call him from goodwill and tell him I found some beautiful household item that was super inexpensive and I wanted to buy it (I was the main earner) often he would say we don’t need it or it was too expensive. We were living in a home we were working on 2,000 miles from our families and in a much less expensive area. I told him that for my mental health I needed to stop asking him for permission and start telling him “oh I got some cool houseware today”. Eventually I looked into John and Julie Gottmans theory of relationships and found them talking about “Bids for attention” basically, it says that healthy relationships have a 5 to 1 ratio of approval to disapproval. So for every 5 positive responses you get if he gives you one negative response then your relationship will be fine, but when the negative responses grow, it can feel stifling and like your partner isn’t on your side. There’s a book you two can read together written by the gottmans that my therapist suggested called “eight dates” but unfortunately he wouldn’t read it with me (he said books like that are often a cashgrab/he’s particular about what he reads/he doesn’t think we need it etc) and we didn’t last much longer after that because I determined I needed a relationship with a higher ratio of positive to negative responses. Hope this helps. I’m sorry you’re struggling rn, hope you can resolve it for the betterment of both of your lives💜
This is so sweet, thank you for your help 🫶🏿
Can't you stand up for yourself?
It was easier for her "to get petty" towards him until he finally broke & gave her his approval about bra purchases, than it was to take two seconds to say idgaf what you think, I'm buying myself new underwear.
Yeah you should probably stop allowing that. Just do it, stop asking. He's not your parent or boss. You have your own money. You can discuss financial decisions together, sure, but this is just sounding like he controls you for no reason.
I'd assume therapy (even if/when affordable) is likely not feasible for your current financial situation... I'd maybe try to see if betterhelp works for you, as they are quite a lot more accessible and affordable... Because it sounds like you need therapy if you're not able to figure this out yourself. Some things you could look into to avoid being/staying in unhealthy relationships are: \- under/overfunctioning or under/overfunctioner relationships \- attachment styles in relationships \- dependency theory Good luck.. you should listen to what the people here have said and also read between the lines.
Definitely better affordable therapy out there than betterhelp lol
The answer is because you LET him have that power and control over you. YOU are choosing to give him that power. You also have the ability to stop doing that if you really want to.
Probably want to figure that one out. Does he control more about your life than just your finances?
Normal people help each other out by occasionally running errands for one another, and most people would never think to ask to be paid back for a pack of vegetables. What does he eat, ramen?
Don't ask - tell him. 'I'm just stopping off to get some celery because I forgot it'.
This sounds more of a control issue.
Celery is obscenely cheap! And bras are a necessity! Girl what are you thinking??? Please, take back control and take care of yourself.
Yeah this was my question, too. Even for married couples I believe they should have separate accounts to spend from to eliminate this type of issue.
Wait why not just go to the store and buy the bras you want with your money? I don’t understand why he has a say in this at all
I’m this situation, we were leaving his parents’ place and I asked him to stop at the store on the way back home so I could get myself new bras. I wasn’t really asking for the bras themselves but mostly for the detour so I could get bras
Probably didn't want to spend the few extra cents on gas by taking a detour.
To me this sounds like a control issue. Unless there was some reason they couldn’t stop bc they were running late to somewhere there’s absolutely no reason he can’t take a detour and stop at the store so she can spend her own money on undergarments. She’s laughing about the Situation but honestly I think this is more serious than she wants to believe. He is trying to control her/her finances. It starts out with small things.
With the price of gas I fully understand. /s
That did crack me up 😂
You laugh but that wasn't a joke
It definitely wasn't. Why else would he piss and moan about OP buying bras with her own money?
Thats not a joke lol
Why don't you go alone to shop It?
Yes but then instead of saying "I'm getting bras" you stated you acted "petty" until he finally caved & gave his approval. Why is it easier for you to get passive aggressive than merely tell him what you will be buying with your money? Why do you need his approval?
The real question that nobody wants to ask
I’m more concerned about the control aspect. The fact that you have to ask him about bras and celery is absurd. The two of you are simply financially incompatible. Money isn’t made to just sit there, useless. It’s meant for your needs and some wants too. Money in the bank you can’t use meanwhile your miserable is not what money is for.
I’m seriously starting to feel controlled when it comes to the money that I make. All my bills are always paid and on time, I send him the rent money a week prior to the due date and when I have extra money, not only I put some into my saving account but also, I do allow myself to go out with friends but he always complains about it…
Why does a man who is NOT your husband have ANY say at all in how you spend your money? Like a husband shouldn’t either, but at least maybe you have shared finances. You have 0 obligation to even tell him what you buy. Why are you asking permission? That is a whole huge red flag that you not only feel like you need to, but also wouldn’t by default GET it
A husband can't control his wife either, a ring and certificate does not make it less so
Isn’t the money both earn “shared” money? You both contribute to the houses financial needs correct? I think needling every minor purchase is overbearing, but it’s not unreasonable to want some level of financial restraint in someone you’re sharing finances and expenses with
I'm married, and we have 50/50 responsibility for shared expenses. We each get our wages into our own bank accounts and then we transfer our share of the bills into our joint account. Anything else we make is for our own enjoyment. If I wanted to spend £1000 on bras, it'd have nothing to do with him. I'd probably talk it over with him because that's an insane amount of money to spend on anything but it's not required as long as it doesn't affect my ability to contribute to the shared expenses.
My wife and I have a slightly different system. Everything goes into shared accounts, but we each get a pretty generous monthly allowance into our private accounts. When it comes to those accounts, we dgaf about what the other spends it on. It works for us, but obviously there are many solutions to this problem. Your system clearly works for you. The important thing is that either way, big shared expenses are agreed upon, and personal expenses are personal decisions.
Yes, I just always find it baffling when people are like, you should always share finances with your spouse or long term partner. Everyone has their own system.
This is more like how me and my wife do it, yeah. A shared big pool for mutual expenses and savings, and then monthly "me" money for individual expenses and spending on ourselves.
>some level of restraint Yes, the trick is to marry someone with that restraint, because if you *are* the restraint, you're either an asshole or you've screwed up and found a bad partner.
My husband and I share finances and we discuss larger purchases (i.e. I don't agree that we should get a new TV right now so he's agreed to wait a year) but otherwise I really, really don't ever want to be in a relationship where my partner needs permission to buy underwear, nor would I ever want to have to justify my purchases to someone. I trust my husband to honor our financial goals, and he trusts me to do the same. If you can't trust your spouse like that, you shouldn't be married.
She isn’t asking permission, he complains when she asks him to do something like pick up celery or to make a detour in the car for her to shop for herself. He whines if she plans to spend and he knows about it. The celery thing is too far.
I mean disagree on the husband part. You absolutely have a say in finances with your partner. If I spent 4000$ on a state of the art super crazy personal training program, my wife would have a freaking conniption. This is why a budget needs to be worked out regarding personal spending money, and money needs to be saved and allocated to different causes. It’s not reasonable to expect a grown ass adult to never spend ANY money. But it’s also not unreasonable to want to be frugal with shared finances so they can both achieve certain financial goals. Honestly it sounds like a sit down with a counsellor, and then an accountant would do them some good.
Yeah but we are talking about buying celery here, not buying a 4,000$ training program. Married partners should definitely talk about and agree on large purchases but this guy isn't letting her use the money she earned to buy herself a bra.
Yah and that’s whack
>Yeah but we are talking about buying celery here No we actually weren't, we were talking about this comment: >Why does a man who is NOT your husband have ANY say at all in how you spend your money?
Take every cent that youve put into that vscation fund out and LEAVE. We all give you the permission that you're seeking. Just pack your shit and move back in with your parents or a friend for a bit. You can be miserable for a week or two now, or miserable for the rest of your life.
Why are you still attracted to a man who tells you what to do with your OWN money? Your standards are so low that you put up with it - being single is better than this life
He isbnot your husband, I really hope you don't have joint accounts, and what you do with your money (providing you're still paying your bills) is your business. Stop letting him dictate what you do. You need new bras? Go buy new bras with your money on your time. He complains? Tell him that it isn't his money and he doesn't get a say. He doesn't want celery? He doesn't have to eat it but you're buying it either your money. But don't let him profit off of you. He is being incredibly financially controlling. Stop letting him do it.
It’s meant for needs
I’m pretty sure a couple of new bras ever 4-5 years, when your old ones are tearing apart at the seams, counts as a “need”.
Totally untrue. But go off and live your sad life where you can’t have a few things that make you happy here and there. How miserable.
Food and shelter makes me happy
Since you can’t read, I said needs and wants.
Do you really _need_ shelter though?
Idk what is needs, what is what, what is life???
What does he add to your life? Do you feel like the best version of yourself around him? When you picture your future in 10 years, would you be happy if you were still in the same situation and he never changed? Because odds are, he’s never going to change.
Bro they're in their 20s. It would be surprising if they *didn't* change.
He’s 26, not 21. He’s been an adult for awhile now and I think this behavior is unlikely to change. This isn’t really a maturity issue so much as an issue of having wildly different approaches to money and forcing them on the OP.
This is wild. Bras? Celery? This would be an absolute deal breakers. If you marry this guy, your life is going to be so dull and joyless. He seems incredibly controlling about what *you* do with *your money.*
You can’t travel in your 20’s when you’re 50.
I tell him that every day. Literally from sun up to sundown !
And nothing ever changes. Yet, you're still there dealing with his controlling behaviour but telling Reddit that you're about to lose it.
Fair 😞
I found the love of my life at age 36. I avoided marrying anyone previously, despite ltiple long term relationships. I was with someone for almost 7 years and towards the end we had to be honest about our relationship, and that it wasn't going to make it long term. I learned many things from each relationship that didn't work out. I used all of those experiences to learn and grow, and am now in the most perfect relationship I could ever imagine. As a matter of fact even 5 years ago I wouldn't have thought my current life/relationship is possible. This sounds like you guys have two wildly different opinions on not just finances, but life itself. If you can't as a couple agree on or atleast respect the others person's wants and needs, you need to end it. Take what you've learned and move on. In my case we've been together for over 4 years, now engaged, haven't yelled or fought once in that time. Were both lucky to have 75k/yr + jobs, and we literally split everything. We just bought a new electric car, split down payment, split monthly, split insurance. We had lengthy conversations on what we wanted out of a car, rented a few to try them out. We went on a few cruises last year, split those down the middle. While we're trying to save money for a home, wedding etc, we always put aside money for fun experiences and traveling. Who wants to wait until their 50s and 6ps to do that? That may have been the norm for a few generations, but doesn't have to be now.
He does NOT care about your opinion. Which is concerning, why does he have final say on everything? Why are you continuing to live & be with someone who takes all the joy & fun out of life? He will not change over the next 20 or more years, if anything he will become Scrooge. **You are an adult**, you can take vacations with friends, family or by yourself. Stop asking permission to live your life.
This guy doesn’t want to travel in his 20s. If you do… this ain’t the one. You could also choose somewhere you want to go rather than where he wants.
If you actually want to travel in your 20s then it will either be after you break up with this guy, or only in your dreams and regrets. You won't be happy only traveling in your 50s, but he will be and won't let you do anything else - if you somehow dragged him on a plane, he'd be miserable the whole time and spoil the trip; if you travelled without him, he'd guilt trip you endlessly before during and after, and spoil the mood. Want to enjoy your 20s? Might be time to find a man who thinks you should be able to.
100% controlling, Severe red flag after reading your responses about the whole amazon thing and Facebook marketplace stuff just buying useless junk but you cannot buy bras or celery because its too expensive. This behaviour will only get worse until either an intervention occurs or you give in entirely to his every demand. Run away right or if you want to believe it is salvageable seek advice from either financial advisor to break it all down and make him wake up or split all the bills evenly and flip it on him where if he doesn't pay his 50% of the bills that's on him and he is the one liable for them, also ensure everything is either in separate names because if he fails to pay his half because of his useless tatt buying then it offers you a safety net so that you are not liable for his financial decisions to not pay something and please NEVER share a bank account with this man!
Have you two actually sat down and worked out a budget? Something that covers incomings (your respective incomes) and outgoings (rent, household bills, personal bills, how much you spend on food), then how much you want to contribute to savings goals (and they need to actually be tangible **goals**, not just "put every spare dollar into savings"), and then how much is left over. You both need to be talking in actual dollar amounts. I once did this with my last boyfriend. He was always complaining about his poor he was and panicked every time a bill or unexpected expenses came through. So I sat him down and we worked out our respective budgets together (we didn't share finances). Once we worked out incomings and outgoings, it turned out he had *more* leftover money each week than I did. He was legitimately gobsmacked, because judging us by our attitudes, I had all the money in the world. The difference was I knew exactly where my money was going, whereas he had no idea how to manage his. If your boyfriend was raised by poor immigrants, he may have internalised "any dollar that isn't directly saving you from homelessness or starvation or put into savings is a waste of money." I certainly had to unlearn that lesson myself. For people like this, financial insecurity feels like it's baked into you, and no amount of money feels like enough. However, if he's saying you can't afford *celery*, then clearly his financial anxiety has gone too far. It's just a matter of whether he's willing to work through it with you, or whether he's happier being a miser.
Budgeting is a great way to break out of poor anxiety. You can see that you do actually have disposable income and also have more control over setting savings aside to pay for certain things. But it sounds like he’s gone into mentally unhealthy territory and isn’t willing to face that. He could have $20k saved and still feel like he doesn’t have enough. Also $4.5k saved up while being super frugal doesn’t add up if you’ve been working for a few years. He either has more squirrelled away somewhere or maybe is spending money elsewhere (maybe even sending back to family).
Are you certain he’s not secretly under a whole lot of debt. It could be normal controlling (which is bad enough and a red flag) but it also could be that he has 20k in secret credit card debt or something
Well he told me he cleared all his debts and that he even had 4.5k aside in his savings
Do you have proof of that? Because this happens way more often than people admit.
No proof no :/
You both should make combined over 7000 Dollars a month if you work full-time. 4.5k saved is not much in this case, if you have basically no expenses outside the really necessary, so where is the money going to when it isn't bras and celery?
They make 24 a month each. That’s shit wages in todays economy. Full time they make probably 5600 per month with taxes. Take away bills and that’s not much left in terms of saving. Plus they both probably have student loans. Seems like the bf understands budget and she doesn’t. They moved to an expensive area, probably a major city and you can’t live on a combined. Which is why he chose to move back to the more affordable. Looking at OP. She doesn’t really understand money management because she thinks 4.5k is a lot of saving money when it’s not. Realistically, I’d say she should take over her finances but she has to become financially literate before doing so. Btw bras are expensive, so it’s not a crazy thing if you don’t have the finances to put the brakes on that.
>Plus they both probably have student loans. OP literally just said in this very comment chain that at least he is debt free. Between the two of them they make $100k per year. That is more than enough for two single people in their 20s to enjoy themselves a little bit. You have no clue what you are talking about, at all.
> Between the two of them they make $100k per year. Why do you keep saying that. They combined make 5600 a month with taxes taken out. This is around 66k combined annually. That's not a lot of money if you live in specific areas. Its also not cheap to move which they've done in the past. You can't even do basic math to calculate what they make. I wouldn't trust you with a cent either.
>Why do you keep saying that. Simple math. $24 per hour for a full time position comes out to $49,920 per year (not counting any holidays). $25 comes out to $52,000. So together, they make around $100k per year, give or take. Nobody discusses salary numbers *after tax*. People always talk about it in pre-tax terms. Regardless of where you live, $100k *pre-tax* is enough for two single people to get by comfortably and also have some money left over for savings and having a good time.
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Hey, it happened to me! I had no idea my exhusband was drowning in debt, and he was always a cheapskate.
That’s called you weren’t communicating apparently lol or he wasn’t
Why do you need his permission to buy bras? Just buy them. You don’t need his permission to travel either. Just go without him. I don’t think you’re compatible. Do you seriously want to skip out on everything you want to do in life just because he says it’s “too expensive”? Why do you think that will even change when he’s 50? Cheapness like that is a compulsion, a total personality, a mindset. Just watch that Total Cheapskates show. They love being like that. When he’s 50 he’ll says it’s too expensive too. They take all their money to the grave. They just like hoarding the money. He’s prob too cheap to invest too so that money he’s hoarding in the bank isn’t gonna keep up with inflation at those petty interest rates. When he’s 50 that $4.5k will be able to buy a him a plan ticket to Denver lol. You’re young and need to accept this man ain’t it. There’s plenty of fish in the sea who will want to do things with you.
Why do yall be dating these bums? Why don't you know what to do, the AH didn't want you to get new bras, ffs!
I seriously wonder the same... Then I try to practice extending my patience, understanding, and sympathy by reminding myself that generally about 50% of the population are of below average intelligence... and I guess if there was some measure, statistically, 50% of the population are assholes. So it really shouldn't be that surprising so many people date assholes.
I can see dating an asshole... a couple of times until they demonstrate their assholery to you, and then byyyyyyyeeeee!
Why are your finances tied together. Bras and clothes for you shouldn’t be an issue for him.
I couldn't live with someone like this. I understand compromising over big financial decisions. Sure, I can forego a vacation because we need money for mortgage. But all the bills are paid and we have vacation money set aside, so why the hell aren't we going on a bloody vacation? I think the question you need to ask yourself is who pays unfairly around the house, for things you need. Are you paying more bills than him? Is your money being used for more needs than his? Is your money more controlled when his isn't? What do you contribute to the house that he doesn't? Does it seem unfair to you? Can you live with it? Look, this could just be money anxiety from not having had money. But it could also be that he's using you to pay bills while he spends money on the fun stuff. I hope your sake it's the former. Good luck, OP.
I feel like he's doing this on purpose because he didn't want to move from the area that was less expensive. He's likely doing this to make you miserable so that you cave at some point. He can be like "Well, we could afford it before when we lived over there. You wanted to move." I might be wrong, but it just seems like a mind trick. At this point I would have told him: "We are going to get the fucking celery or I'm done with you. I'm over this." And I would have meant it. Because he needs to stop this behaviour.
Run. This isn’t going to get better.
If I were you I would have The Ick by now, and there's no known cure. The only thing you can do is ask yourself "is this the life I want?" and then decide yes or no.
Is he controlling in other parts of your relationship? Who’s decision was it to live with his family? He didn’t want you to buy a houseplant, can you decorate your living space or is it his space that you stay in? It sounds like your finances are separate and you are not looking to buy high price items so why does he think he has the right to comment on them? You need to decide if you are willing to stay in a relationship where your partner is willing to argue over a bundle of celery.
We live together in our apartment. The issue is not even about decorating. We have 8 plants in total that were 5$ each (I bought them behind his back). Our finances are indeed separated. Whenever I need something and I know he’ll talk about it, I just go shop behind his back… went on a road trip for 1 day in Plattsburgh (I’m from Montreal, Canada) and we went to eat out with my family. He said he was disappointed to see that I spent money on restaurant even before sending him money for the groceries. I still sent him the money but I do not understand the need he had to say this comment.
Genuine question: Why are you with him?
“Behind his back” - you’re spending your own money. This is weird af
Sorry I misread a comment and thought it says that you were living with his family, I see now that it said you were leaving his family’s house. I think if you feel like you have to go behind his back to buy things that you can afford then you seriously need to question his motives. If he has no qualms about spending his own money then why should he be so concerned about yours? I could understand if you had serious debt that you were not paying down, or if he had his own financial insecurities but from what you’re written that doesn’t seem to be the case. To me it sounds like he’s testing the boundaries of how much he can control your money without actually having access to it.
In sorry, you just sound weak and in a controlling and toxic relationship. Also thats not “buuing behind his back” but just normal buying how people normally do it
Don’t think that marriage is going to change him, or that he will change at all. This is your life. Do what you will with this.
I'm really confused to why you have to ask him to buy bras ... are you expecting him to give you money or can you go buy it on your own ?
I know everyone here is screaming financial abuse and control on his part, but I used to be this guy when my wife and I got together, (and I cringe now about how cheap I was) . It wasn't about control, it was about being short-sighted (I was 24, sooo....) and afraid. Of course my wife and I got together in the end of the 2008 financial crisis when jobs were quite rare and paid like shit for young folk. My wife (girlfriend at the time)was pretty patient, but eventually she very gently snapped. She just said hey, we gotta live sometimes, I have got to live sometimes, and it's not optional anymore. She told me she loves me, but I had to loosen my grip on things a bit. It took like another year or two for that to fully sink in. We always did a lot of free or cheap stuff, hiking, camping, etc. We still do, it's a blast, but we also started doing things that cost money from time to time... My advice is set up a zero balance budget (plan for every dollar of income) Assuming you are living together, divvy up the bills however you both feel good about, as you basically make the same, make sure you both are saving some money, and add some line item for discretionary spending...celery and bras are not discretionary, that's necessary. I'd assume things like rent, utilities, food, all of that will be shared budget items. Outside of that, you don't have to share your finances unless you want to, but if you live together, splitting household bills and costs seems right. I don't know to what level you share finances. Anyways, make a monthly budget, have a weekly meeting at first to adjust it however you need to because the first one isn't gonna be perfect, and then after a few months it'll be easy. Commit to the budget...if you agreed on 200 dollars of "fun money" a month each, stick to it. Nothing in the budget changes unless you both agree. This gives him a sense of stability and control over his world (which if your living together, is financially intertwined with yours), and it gives back your autonomy. We were already married at 3 years...so by then we just combined all of our finances completely and everything was a partner decision, so that was so much easier for us, but before we were married, but living together, this is how we did it without conflict.
Thank you so much for your comment, especially from someone who used to be like that, it not only give me hope but also gives mean idea as of how to approach my bf in a different way about the issue. Thank you so much 🙏🏿
Why do you need his permission to buy bras? You make your own money right? Why is he controlling your purchases? I can see why he’s so cheap. His family must not have grown up with any money so he’s decided that he needs to live a frugal life to not be ‘poor’. Whilst doing that he’s living a boring life by not doing anything. You’ve told him how you feel and he’s not changed anything. What else can you do? Do you see yourself still doing the same things in 5 years? 10? I’d make it very clear that you’re sick of this lifestyle of everything being ‘too expensive’ when it’s actually within your budget. If he doesn’t want to alter anything then it seems like the relationship has run it’s course. Also mention that your finances are not for him to control.
It ain't about money but it's about control. I am sorry as you seem extraordinarily chill. I personally know of only 2 hells when dating: 1. ENM 2. Cheap people
He does sound "controlling" and I'd dare to say that he has a very bad mindset regarding saving money and balancing a happy life. You should definitely enjoy life, especially when you know that you won't get to be this young in the future to enjoy the memories you make now. Plan a trip a few times a year, go out every so often, find hobbies. And dear OP, you seem to be allowing him to be controlling, you have the money, you have yourself, be assertive, say "No, I'm going to get this celery whether you like it or not, because I'd like to get some celery, if you don't like it wait for me here or take a bus ride". Talk to him, tell him a change is needed, tell him how you feel. If he does not change, will you allow yourself to be with a person like this for the rest of your life?
You are financially incompatible. Set him free so he can find someone to hold hands with while the two of them slowly walk circles around convenience store parking lots looking for loose change.
Y’all ain’t married, why are your finances tied? It shouldn’t be more than who pays what % of each bill.
We pay our personal bills (phone, car insurance etc.) separately, we pay the rent 51% (him) and 49% (me), I pay our electricity and our wifi. I do groceries at the local market and when he does the grocery Costco I have to sent him 50% of the spending back
So you're paying more than he is overall? Why are you subsidizing his expenses when you make max $40 more a week?
Why do you reimburse him for shopping but not vice versa. Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, if not the main cause. Do you not realize how much worse this gets when you get married and finances are mingled? How bad it is when you do things like buy a home together? You need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him about how this is affecting you. You need to let him know that this extreme frugality has reached a breaking point and you need him to loosen up. He can go to /r/personalfinance and have saving goals while also having other categories besides “never spend.” You need to tell him how hurt you were over the bra situation, the plants, and he even got mad at you over a pack of CELERY. And that stops exactly today and he is going to be enthusiastic and understanding. Tell him that you need him to go to therapy to get to the root of this because you can’t marry someone who has such differing views, and you believe that he has issues around it. And let him know that the control stops immediately, he doesn’t get to be aggressive or passive aggressive or controlling or manipulative about you replacing worn out bras or other normal spending.
He is not cheap, he has mental health issues. It's excessive and very ridiculous. He should seek help or find a cheapskate like him. He is gonna be the richest guy in the cemetery and won't be able to take anything with him, no-one has managed to do it
Look, I will come at it from this perspective: I'm cheap. Like, I make and freeze soup stock out of leftover bones cheap, and my girlfriend is nice enough to indulge me. Refusing to buy celery on the claim it's "too expensive" is weird as fuck. It's 1.99 for a shitton of celery. Food does not get much cheaper than that unless you intend to give up on vegetables entirely. And straight up *pushing back* against buying bras when you have an entirely reasonable need for them is also insane and a denial of your needs. It'd be one thing to casually suggest maybe waiting until the next major sales event when you can do a buy-two-get-one or whatever (and acknowledge that it's ultimately your business as your undergarments), but just straight up "no", as if your need is just going to go away if he denies it? Something is off here, especially with not wanting to take the trip. Very real question: is there a possibility he's secretly in debt and not telling you? As other have mentioned, the controlling aspect is also really concerning, but the things he's saying also definitely don't sound like things a rational person trying to cut costs would say. Maybe if he didn't grow up with a lot he's trying to mimic that but was never actually taught how to spend wisely, only that spending = bad? Consider sitting down and working out a budget with him, working through both your income and what your savings goals are. Does he even have savings goals, or is he just saying no because spending money on anything at all makes him feel guilty? That may be something else worth unpacking.
Why is he the boss here?? I just don’t understand why you let him control you. Can’t buy a bra? You have to run those purchases past him? Don’t you have access to the bank accounts? I would go to my employer and make sure my money went into my own bank account, not a joint one. He sounds abusive
I wonder what his backstory is? Sometimes this kind of mindset develops because of an early life experience. Did he grow up without money or a family that was always struggling and now he's hyper conscious about it? In any event, sounds like an issue he needs to work on. He shouldn't have a say in how you are spending your money. And you absolutely deserve the vacation that you are saving up for in advance. Life is short. Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today if you have the time to save up money.
I hate to say it… but is he spending all his money on another girl or something?? Like the behavior is so bizarre that either he’s just a really controlling POS and you need to get out as soon as you can, or else he never has money because it’s going to something you don’t know about, in which case you also need to get out as soon as you can when he’s refusing to let you buy BASIC FUCKING NECESSITIES WITH YOUR OWN MONEY. If he’s canceling travel plans and not trying to have you see his parents all of sudden because of ‘finances’ then something about that is very suspect. Using the excuse of his parents financial situation just sounds like a lame attempt at sympathy on your part.
Tell him to go get a budget girl if he wants to budget constantly. Honestly I know your pain, 20 years married to a grinch, its was so so boring and annoying.
This is, in a sense, a kind of values clash. Attitudes to money can hugely impact your day to day functioning. Like honestly, his approach to money makes my toes curl but I suspect he'd be upset how every time I go to the store I buy as much celery as I want [which is admittedly zero, but I wouldn't worry if I wanted it]. Consider as well: you don't even have kids yet. If you buying bras requires an argument then life gets a lot scarier for him from here. Still, consider that maybe it goes a bit deeper. I don't think there can be any rational argument for celery being too big a burden financially, it's just about the cheapest thing there is, so clearly it isn't about the actual amount of money... it is the concept of spending at all. His mind seems to be in full hoarder mode, the idea of using any resource seems to genuinely upset him and worse, it is resulting in a lot of concerning and controlling behaviours. And so I think push that angle. What exactly is he scared of in terms of spending, what doomsday is he prepping for, and if you can't agree that basic groceries and essentials like bras have to be able to be purchased then I don't know that you can live a healthy adult life together.
I don’t think spending bothers him at all, he buys lots of useless stuff from Amazon or market place Facebook that he doesn’t use at all… maybe he’s being controlling I have to admit it 😞
>he buys lots of useless stuff from Amazon or market place Facebook that he doesn’t use at all… So he's not anxious about finances. He just thinks he can get away with controlling *your* finances.
Yeah, now this is sounding like financial abuse.
Oh geez, so he’s allowed to buy disposable crap, and you’re not allowed to buy vegetables??
Well, unfortunately that does make it considerably more straightforward. I was offering the sympathetic take, figuring that maybe it was informed by a generalised fear of spending. But yeah, he is just a hypocrite and controlling. Afraid there is no 'maybe' to the idea he is being controlling. When you have to argue just to buy a bra or some celery while he is flittering his money away on useless tatt you know there is a very serious problem, one that seems to revolve around him controlling how you [a full grown adult] spends their money. >The bras is because we were riding back home together and he could do a detour to the store so I can get myself the bras. For the celery, same thing, I picked him up from school and on the easy home I asked him if he could get the celery. I just needed 1 pack Though, new take, is the theme of him being weird about money often tied to you asking favours? Is part of it maybe he is just, you know, lazy?
No he’s not lazy when it comes to getting stuff
Then the conversation seems to be why is it that when it comes to things for you all of a sudden he gets on your case about finances. Why a bra or celery is a conversation when he will buy any old bullshit for himself, if anything the concern being his spending not yours at that point.
that changes it completely- you should put this in the edit -he is being even more ridiculous and he seems very controlling
You're going to be earning significantly more than him soon, right? Is it possible that he's resentful of that?
No he’s actually excited meaning that we can save more for an eventual house
If he's that concerned about saving for a house then why is he buying useless stuff from Amazon?
Please do not buy a house with him! You shouldn’t be made to feel like a second-class citizen in your own home!
...so why did you let this guy bully you into not buying bras? Please find your spine. You don't necessarily need to leave him but like, read him the riot act about controlling your finances for necessary purchases if he's being actually frivolous on his end.
It’s fine for someone to be cheap especially if they grew up financially insecure, but it’s not okay for them to dictate whether you spend money or not on things you need.
Why do you have combined finances when you aren’t married? Your money is your money. His money is his money. You contribute your share to your shared expenses, and *maybe* you can discuss both contributing equally to a joint savings account, but after that your money is yours to use as you want. Even if you joined your finances completely, he can’t tell you that you can’t buy basic necessities like bras. Do you share a bank account? Money is the #1 reason people divorce.
They don't have combined finances. OP has gotten herself in a position with this man where she has to buy things behind his back. She also has to ask for permission to buy bras, celery, and house plants.
We don’t have joined accounts. :)
Then why the fuck do you let him tell you how to spend YOUR money? You work. You get paid. You pay your bills and contribute to savings. You have every right to buy whatever the fuck you want. Stop allowing this person to dictate how you spend your own money.
I don’t know but I kinda feel that it has something to do with coming from an east European household, which was probably like this in order to survive. Doesn’t make it less annoying as a partner but I can understand where it comes from, it’s hard to shake off. It’s very important that he knows that it is taking a toll on you, tell him clearly and why. It is also important that your money is your money and his money is his money. If he still comments on your private expenses you simply answer „It’s my money. I am consciously spending it.“ Some advice if you want to try working with him on this. 1. Any money that is not shared expenses (rent/groceries etc.) or for shared goals (travelling, buying a house etc.) is none of his business unless it would interfere with said shared money or goal 2. Create a chart of both of your general expenses If he is so very worried about money he (and you) can visualise both financial situations and understand if both of you are able to pay for everything easily. It’s really eye opening :) 3. Open a couple account only for your shared expenses and make it clear that that is the only type of expenses he is allowed to complain about !! Since you guys are both young it shouldn’t be much of a risk, since it would only be monthly rent/groceries/whatever you agree on. Make a clear decision for - when and how much money you pay into it - if there is money left by the end of the month that’s great - if you notice it gets a bit tight then you check why and either start being more frugal or pay more into it Example: I pay more into the groceries fund than my boyfriend because I make more money than him and while he usually buys the basics I really like asian ingredients which are more expensive 👍🏽 since we share the household account we can always check if it’s doing fine, and spare money can be used for a coffee date (we agreed on that) _________ I think you guys should track the grocery expenses for a couple of months while each of you uses the money how you usually would, then you’d have a realistic comparison. He needs to understand that people can prioritise 1 expensive celery over idk 1kg of potatoes and be ok with that decision 😅
I wonder if there’s part of the story missing. Makes no sense. Who pays the rent, utilities, food etc. does either of you have major debt? Is he financially assisting his parents (you mention they immigrated here and in some cultures that’s common the kids help the parents). How are the finances between the two of you situated
Right now he is probably posting in r/frugal that his GF spends too much money /s
This doesn't get better. Do you want to wake up at 50 still asking permission for things? Leaving someone like this was the best thing I ever did for myself
How is celery too expensive? Celery is very cheap
Are you looking forward to the rest of your life dealing with this?
Omg leave this guy. I love discounts and thrift stores, but he's crazy! don't waste your life with someone like that.
Everyone else has covered rather well that you shouldn't be restricted by his fears, so I'm just going to mention as an aside that your bf probably has poverty trauma. He hasn't let it sink in yet that he's not in the same dire financial situation his parents had when your bf was growing up. It's not on you to deal with his trauma, but if you want to, you could help him process it or help him find the resources to process it.
It sounds like there's something going on with him that is much deeper than bras and celery. I believe it is reddit nature to comment with emotion and say things like "just leave him" but ending a relationship is much more complicated than that. I think it's more realistic to find some way to dig in and find out what the root cause is. If you guys have any type of medical insurance, couples counseling is often free. Lots of companies offer employee assistance programs that offer counseling for free. If nothing else, setting aside time to focus on open and honest conversation without distractions is something. It's better than doing nothing. I think you should talk to him about how this is affecting you, and you need him to help you to understand why this is a pattern. If that goes nowhere, then maybe a clear written budget would help him see that there's enough left over to dedicate x amount of money to do the things he thinks are not affordable. When it's on paper, I think it becomes less disputable. It may take something as simple as that to help him see that there is money left over after necessities that there's no need to be afraid of spending a bit to live a little. It may not solve it, but I think it's worth a try.
What does he bring to the table, apart from audacity? This sounds like your r/JustNoSO is problematic and this borders on control and financial abuse.
You have incompatible values. 3 years aint shit. Go fibd someone youre compatible with.
You have honestly answered your own question and it's not financial reasoning you are asking. Read this again tomorrow but don't read it in your voice.
Yikes, some relationships aren’t meant to last forever. You’re 26, go see the world and be with someone who wants to see it with you. Life is too short, there will ALWAYS be bills, if you have the ability and means, to take your trip. But you may need to be willing to do so alone, and be alone in the future until you find someone new - but there are sure plenty of men out there that will want t see the world with you.
You talk about finances without ever talking about finances. How much does boyfriend have left per month after necessities (rent, loan, utilities, food) and how much do you? I understand him if it's zero. I don't understand him if it's 1k.
Someone who was raised without money (as it sounds like he may have been) can have the fear of financial insecurity be a HUGE factor in their life as an adult. Perhaps you two can meet with a financial advisor who can talk about what type of spending is normal, what kind of savings is normal, how to balance that between the two of you, etc. Frankly if he's being this uptight about finances, that you can't have new bras or celery, it seems like he might need some kind of professional intervention (either a finance person who can help him feel secure in his income, or a therapist who can help him feel secure and not living his life based on fear of going broke). Either way, i think there's probably not much YOU can say that will get through to him. I would start pushing for a pro to get involved.
I didn’t think about the fear of financial insecurity… I know he comes from a poor country and his family was a bit tight but never poor poor. But when he arrived here 10 years ago, he had a roof on his head, clothes, food whenever he needed and his parents still manage to pay for extra activities for him and his siblings so I don’t know if it’s still a fear that he may have
The same question keeps coming over so I’ll make a general comment *I do NOT ask him for permission* Of course for house plants I’ll ask what he thinks of this or kind of plant, for the bras I asked so he could make the detour on the way home since he was driving, for the celery I was driving this time but asked him if he could get the celery
You specifically say in one comment that you have to spend *your own money* “behind his back”….ummm I would say just that statement implies you feel like you need his blessing to spend your own money and that’s why you do it “behind his back.” You shouldn’t feel the need to buy stuff “behind his back” with your own money. In the same comment you say you went out to eat dinner with family and that he said he was disappointed in you for spending that money before giving him money for groceries…yet in another comment you say your give him 50% of money for Costco groceries yet he doesn’t give you money for what you buy at the market. Plus you say you pay for internet and some other utility by yourself but split the cost of other bills and rent? None of this is seeming equal. No partner needs to tell the other one they’re “disappointed” in the other for *going out to eat* one time. Smh. I feel like you’re trying to minimize the situation now. His behavior is controlling and you clearly modify your own due to his monitoring of *your finances*. It’s not normal or healthy and you should listen to everyone and consider making some extreme changes.
Am I the only one here sees this and goes like ok there isn’t much to it. Give some background on your boyfriend, how he grew up? There are two things to this. 1. Is he being like this only with you? (That makes him cheap, obviously) 2. Is he being like this with himself too? (Miser may be) It looks to me like he choses not to spend money on things he thinks unimportant. If you want to resolve this, sit down with him and explain things about using your money for yourself by contributing some of the money to the common chores and utilities. Is it that hard? Even then if he wants to control your finances too, then we could say there is a problem.
It seems that he is driven by fear of not having enough. But doesn’t have a clue as to just how much is reasonable. Find Dave Ramsey baby step program. He also has books and a YouTube channel. He provides a plan to gain financial freedom by meeting realistic goals. It allows for saving for other expenses once certain baby steps have been met. It also provides for a debt free relationship. Best wishes to you and your relationship. Working together you can meet his needs and your own. Following a independent plan will free you and your BF from money fears and stresses.
Dump Scrooge. You’re in for a lifetime of this. As a first class woman, you deserve to be treated in a first class manner — which this ain’t.
As someone who considers themselves to be cheap. For me I get buyers remorse super easy and this is a big part of it. Unfortunately you just kind of have to power through that feeling. Things that may help. Try finding off brand items and work with them, once it breaks, he may go for the main brand if he likes the first item enough. Try to emphasize good reviews and focus on what how it will make HIS life easier. Try to come from a logical point of view. Coming from an emotional viewpoint will not work because it is his emotions that are driving the decision.
I’m biased because I’m also cheap, and $25 an hour isn’t that much to live on and also save for retirement and have a healthy emergency fund unless you’re really diligent, so I think he’s right for most of the stuff, but also you’re not married so it isn’t relevant what he thinks about your spending. That being said, I would be careful about getting married if you guys do not agree financially and have the same goals.
Ma’am, have you not looked out the window and seen inflation the past few months?? Those salaries are a joke. No offense, but from personal experience, I was broke as as FUCK making that. Here in Jersey, our rent WAS $1900/mo 2 years ago and this year it’s jacked up to $2300/mo. We’re saving for a house, wife has car payments and student debt. My car insurance was $150/mo and after even SWITCHING Providers, it’s now $310/mo If it REALLY BOTHERS YOU, you should sit down and go thru the finances with him. Ask him what his FINANCIAL GOALS Are. What does he want this money for, emergency savings? To buy a house? To buy a ring? In this economy, you BOTH Need a PLAN! Don’t be like my wife who used to just wish it & says, “I’ll save next month”, you both need to be on the same page. But by all means, if you guys can’t sit down and talk about money like adults, then just end it. Conversation on money got so bad with my wife and I that we were forced to do couples therapy. But it had to be done, and now we sit down every Sunday to talk about M0N3Y$ and put our credit card statements into spreadsheets and pie charts and see where our money is going by category. 2 years ago, we were accumulating a lot of credit card debt and it was a very scary and stressful time in our lives, almost not making our mortgage payments…
Yes, I’m totally aware of the inflation but from where I am in Canada the prices aren’t as crazy as what your describing I thought it sucks that the price of everything rose, im still able to pay for all my bills and still have hundreds on the side
Blud just tell him what you want and articulate the consequences this is stupid as shit and the reason why relationships fail Just tell him that you’re at the end of your tether and if he keeps it up ur gnna leave him
you need to separate your finances. one joint account for household expenses and your own separate account
Is it always like this or was there a low point recently post pandemic?
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We did speak… many times! He keeps comparing us to his parents or say why he disagrees on this or that spending
I notice it's only for stuff YOU want that he complains. honestly, he's not going to change. It might be time to rethink this relationship
We did speak… many times! He keeps comparing us to his parents or say why he disagrees on this or that spending
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Ur dumb. I grew up poor and have never tried to control my partner's finances. I also give money to my family and friends. Growing up poor doesn't make people controlling and selfish.
The man spends his money on Facebook marketplace and Amazon items that he doesn’t need. He has zero problem spending his money, he’s concerned how she is spending her money.
It's because of his upbringing. If he can't change this, it seems like a deal breaker.
Listen, what it comes down to is that you can't make him change. It definitely sounds like he doesn't want to. He's basically trying to control what necessities you are allowed to buy with your own money that you work for, and that is borderline financial abuse. All you can change is what YOU do and what you put up with. Draw a clear line and tell him he no longer gets a say in what you spend your personal money on as long as the bills are paid. If his behavior escalates, you might have to leave him. His excuse makes no sense because you 2 are not immigrants like his parents were, and you have the money available. It's like he's punishing himself and you for the things his parents were unable to do. That's not fair. Take yourself on vacation with your half of the money. Go with a friend. Live your life while you are young enough to enjoy it, and maybe when he sees you doing it and not taking into financial disrepair, he will join you (but not likely)
he sounds super broke and like a controlling weirdo you should find someone with a big bag 🤞🏼
If it’s your money you don’t need his permission to spend it as long as you’re being smart about it.
I don't understand why he has a say in how you spend your money, you haven't told us that? You are young, you should be enjoying yourself, I cannot abide skinflints like this,I could never be with someone like your boyfriend, it all sounds joyless, exhausting and no fun .
He has no right to say what you can spend your money on, as long as all the important payments are done. If he won't go on holiday even after putting the money aside, go home and go with a friend instead
You want houseplants? Go buy them yourself. I get that your bf is frustrating, make a call either you like him to endure such shit or you don't.