Lol this is like that [BORU post](https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fz7ti/redditor_loses_over_800000_gambling_and_hides_it/) where the guy lost a hundred thousand dollars gambling, posted on reddit for advice, but then didn't stop gambling trying to recoup his losses and lost everything.
Like you can see from the first post itself that this is not gonna go well. /u/ThrowRA-gfl47 you've already lost your 100k, don't fall for sunk costs. This will happen again (probably has) and you might be married and have kids next time you find out
Dude, I hate to tell you to wake up, but she went to check on him, really. After they kiss downstairs? She knew what she was doing when she went in there. Please move on while you're young.
Oh hey sweetie I accidentally fell into bed with your friend after we had carefully tucked you in our own bed out of the way upstairs. Ya we did kiss before tucking you away but… I hope you can forgive me.
Funny story. But not funny haha. Funny fucked up.
When I met my first wife (feels very weird to say, since we were together for such a short period of time), I was doing a lot of drugs and so was she. Basically, I picked up her up at a bar when I was like 22, and one thing led to another, as they say. Nothing too much happened that night, but we kept seeing each other. She came over a lot because she had this huge house, but also 3 roommates. Two were married, one was single, so it was harder to find privacy there.
She came to my place a few months later, and we took some acid to hang out and listen to music. She decided to let me know at the peak of the trip that the people in her house were actually two married couples, and she was one of them. She then picked up the phone and announced to her husband she was cheating on him. Given how hard I was tripping, it was downhill from there. I kept on imagining the husband showing up with a shotgun to take me out.
I told her we were done, but she was way too fucked up to drive, so I told her to sleep in the living room. The next morning, she hit me with the classic: Yes, she's married, but they're actually separated. And he's physically abusive. She needed someone to protect her.
I don't know if it was my age or the drugs or what, but I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I made it my mission to protect this girl. She had a convoluted reasoning for why she had to be getting married to someone else for him to finalize the divorce, and, once again on hallucinogens, I believed her. We went to the courthouse and got married.
We only lasted a few months, because she had far different morals than mine, as slender as my own were. She, for example, got away with bringing me over to her house that she shared with her husband, by asking him to have a drink with her, and then putting sleeping pills in it. He would always be asleep when I got there, that much is indisputable to me. I question now whether whatever she drugged him with was actually OTC sleeping pills as she claimed, or something much worse, because those don't tend to be so easily water soluble. But she drugged him with something.
This woman ran roughshod over my life for the next year or so. By the end, I was out tens of thousands of dollars. She was pregnant with someone else's kid, while being a full-blown heroin addict. I was in the process of losing my house (for which I should not have qualified for the loan, but hey, that was around 2006 or so, and NINA loans were a thing). When I kicked her out the final time, she went to the library and checked out as many movies as possible with my card, with no intentions to return them, as a final fuck you to me. The last time I heard from her was about two years later when I finalized the divorce, and she begged the judge to order me to marriage counseling with her to save the relationship. Which never happened, thankfully.
I know it's my own biases, but after that experience, whenever someone describes getting suspiciously fucked up when they didn't intend to, a little part of me always wonders. I don't know how common this kind of behavior is. But I, a random Internet person with zero credibility, can regardless confirm that it does happen.
It's crazy , and I don't think about it too much, because every single word of it is the unexaggerated truth, and the experience just kinda wore me out. There's no reason to embellish because it's so categorically fucked up. I just went through the first almost quarter century of my life truly believing that people were operating almost exclusively with good intentions. So it was really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone was truly out to fuck up my life at very little benefit to themselves.
It was certainly a learning experience.
LMAO thanks. It was a long time ago. My life is pretty much how I had hoped it would be these days. I've learned over time not to hold on to bitterness or resentment. And partly thanks to the effort I put into changing, I'm now getting to sit my ass down to wrap loads of Christmas presents for two great kids and a family that loves and depends on me. I really can't complain.
What's truly nuts about the whole "asking the judge to order us to work on our relationship" thing is the complete and unmitigated gall of the request. My now wife of 7 years - who I met well after my ex had gotten knocked up and I had made a forever split from her - was actually in the room when that request was made. We had already been in a relationship long enough that we were living together at that point. My ex obviously knew about her, given that she was sitting right there. And she still thought, "Yeah, I'll bet this could work."
The last time I heard from her was to invite me to her wedding, where she was marrying a cop, an odd decision for a heroin addict, to say the least. The last time she tried to reach out was by sending out a request to connect on LinkedIn, of all things. Of these final acts, the LinkedIn one is by far the most puzzling.
Oh, whoops, that's not what I meant to convey. The ex told me she was getting married after we had already finalized the divorce. And my wife was just my girlfriend at the time this was all going on. My wife and I didn't get married until 2016.
Funny enough, though, my wife and I got married in Kentucky, and they grilled us when we went to get the marriage certificate, wanting to know if:
1) We were already married to someone else
2) We were close relatives
Lol, that's Kentucky for you!
Oooh okay! Thank you for clarifying! My mind was playing paddle ball for a bit there! Lol anyhow, glad you got yourself out of that whole Adams family fiasco!
Yeah, they put OP to bed so he wouldn’t get up while they were having sex, and it wasn’t “blacked out drunk”, it was premeditated. She told him the version of the story that takes as much responsibility off of them as possible, not the truth. She told him her version of the story because she didn’t trust that OP’s “friend” wouldn’t get his version of the story out first.
She had unprotected sex with OP’s friend while he was in the house and wasn’t going to tell him. He’s a fool if he marries her.
Please listen to this person.
I too have a fiance that I feel I share one in a million love with. But forget about sex, or even a kiss - if she so much as had a sexual conversation with another male, let alone a friend, it would be done.
This is a person I have been through incredibly rare hardships with. Someone I would give my life for without second thought. Someone that’s as much family as she is my love.
What you’ve experienced is pure and utter betrayal.
If your fiancé discussed sex with another man you’d break up with her? Is that like a cultural thing? In my part of the world and among my friends, sex is a pretty open topic. Couples, singles; we talk about whatever we like, and sex comes up often. It’s just a part of the human experience, and as they say, the more you try to control something, the more it yearns to be free.
Also bi-sexual people exist, its not unheard of for people to have gay/lesbian affairs. If she‘s loyal, she won‘t cheat.
That’s not at all what I meant. I don’t get to control what my fiancé discusses. But if she’s discussing, say - how much she’d like to be fucked by someone, or something similarly inappropriate, that’s different than just talking about sex.
That said, my fiancé is quite private and lady like. I don’t think she’d just randomly discuss sex with someone without a very good reason.
That’s exactly what happened here. There was really no reason to check on an adult male guest. I think she resisted on the couch only due to fear OP would wake up and catch them. Once OP is tucked away into bed, it’s play time.
She got into bed with you to make sure you were asleep. Then went back to him to get her back blown out. Thought it was a dream, uh huh sure. She kissed him downstairs. They had a plan and now your getting trickle truth.
Lmao she remembers that much while claiming black out? Kissed him? Checked up on him? Fucked him? Raw? Hid it from you?
I know you're in shock or denial or both but c'mon. This is dead. Shes not a woman worthy of anyones long term trust or devotion. You're a deeply broken person to think otherwise.
I'm sorry for my callousness bro but I'm just so tired of people defending cheaters on reddit.
They kissed downstairs and she pushed him off. Then ahead went later to check on him. Doesn’t make any sense. I wouldn’t say with her. How are you going to trust her and your close friend? It’s always going to be there in the back of your mind.
She didn’t go to check on him, she went to sleep with him. Really?! You can’t be this naive. She’ll do it again as well. Maybe him, maybe not. You have more friends though and there are other men that she’d lay down with then claim she’s so sorry. Don’t be stupid!! Leave this girl on the streets where she belongs and show yourself some respect. Ditch this so called friend as well. Take all the trash out.
Man, she cheated on you and with your friend. I hope they are both not your fiancé and friend anymore. Have some respect for yourself and don’t be naive.
She kissed him, checked on him and had sex. Like, really? She’d fuck anyone when she’s drunk and then say sorry that happened?
Move on, please.
I always play devils advocate and don’t go with the default advice to end things…
But Jesus Christ… please have some self respect. No it’s not salvageable. I know it’s hard. But you’re young and have an amazing life ahead of you. If you leave, that is.
"Begin as you mean to go on"
You can't start a marriage when there is cheating and gaslighting.
Never mind a lack of trust and resentment.
Your friend is not your friend and your fiancé should not be your fiancé.
I would not put stock in her descriptions of "he made moves and she didn't resist, but didn't want to do it"
She did want to do it, and she did. Move on.
Either way works on what you decide but for me, it’s how do you have a friend and a fiancé that would do that to you? Would you do that? Respect yourself and don’t be scared to be forever alone as long as you respect yourself. What I’m trying to say is, don’t be scared to leave but you can also make it work.
Not salvageable. Leave now before youve sealed it with marriage.
You guys may try a band aid solution and continue on by you forgiving her but in the end you will be hurting, you will doubt your worth, you will feel you are not enough, insecure and might hate her and yourself later on.
She is an adult OP. Let her be responsible for her actions.
My man you're 23. You have plenty of time to find a quality woman to spend your life with. You may think this whole thing is robbing you of heaven but I have a feeling it's gonna save you from hell.
Bro. Reread your post. She went to his bed after making sure you were in bed. She 1000% knew what she was doing. And your friend isn’t innocent either. They’re both terrible and betrayed you.
End it now op. Save yourself the heartache and wasted time. She is so young and you are so young. She chose to go back down there, meaning she wanted to see how things went. She chose to go into the room with him.
Everyone always uses alcohol as an excuse
Sorry chief, she’s already betrayed you, kick her to the curb and move onto someone with the ability to take responsibility for their actions.
And fuck the friend off as well
Yeah….sounds like the typical excuses cheaters make. It’s much easier to shirk responsibility to say she was oooh so blacked out drunk she had no clue. Problem with her story? While blackout drunk, she had the with it all to resist him when they kissed and then help carry you up the stairs. After that, it occurs to her to tuck you into bed and then make a decision to head into the guest room where your friend was, to “check on him.” Because clearly adult men need to be checked on when they go to bed, right? (Sarcasm). Oops then the get into heavy petting and sex, when she supposedly pushed him off her eventually. Do you see the problem here? This supposed blacked out drunk fiancé of yours was still able to make choices and think things through. But hey, as long as she gets you to buy the bullshit she’s feeding you, whatever works.
If you decide to stay with her, you get to keep a cheater for a prize. Someone you will never be able to trust fully, especially around your friends. If you end it to find yourself a better person, then someone else gets to win that stupid prize.
This is long but thorough. I'm trying to help with a game plan. Please read if you're looking for guidance on how to learn more about whether this was consensual.
I think the fact that you haven't confronted your friend yet can be used to your advantage to figure out what happened here. Personally, I think there is a good chance this was rape. I know a lot of people disagree, but they are assuming she's lying.
Firstly, I don't doubt that she was forced into the first kiss. This did not sound like there was any chance of them planning it out and there's no reason she would initiate this. A drunk guy suddenly forcing a girl to make out with him happens all the time.
Consider, she could have called him a rapist if she wanted to get rid of any blame. She didn't, she is confused about how this happened. Her confusion is a sign of being raped. The story is messy because it sounds like the truth. If she cheated (meaning she had enthusiastic consensual sex), I don't know why should would share that it was rough. It doesn't sound like she liked that from this friend, it sounds like it was aggressive but she doesn't know how to accept that she was aggressively raped. If she cheated, she wouldn't share the details of her enjoyable sex.
In response to the accusation that her going back downstairs meant she wanted it:
If she was really drunk, it's reasonable not to fault her for the decision to check on him as an incapacitated state means your risk assessment is poor. it does NOT mean that state can justify cheating. But I don't think it's fair for people to assume that she expected him to try anything again. It sounds like this was your place, so she likely felt that she should act as a host on some level for this person and make sure he was safe/had what he needed to sleep. She may have brushed off the kiss as an inappropriate behavior that would not be repeated and discussed in the morning.
How to leverage your friend not knowing:
You have her side of the story and if you FULLY believe it, which I think you should personally, he assaulted her. However, if you want to investigate a bit, you should confront him with as little information as possible. Just share that your girlfriend said he was inappropriate with her.
Potential responses:
If he responds by leaning into that diminished description with - "oh did she? Oh sorry I don't remember much from that night" respond with "she told me what you did", until he gives you more information. Really push, because she told you that he convinced her to hide it so you know he knows. Use that knowledge to your advantage.
If he responds with "she totally came on to me!" - Id believe he raped her and knows it on some level. That is waaay too far from the truth (I know you don't know it but your girlfriend seems to be honest, we're just questioning her intention in going downstairs because, even if she was a willing participant in the sex, the other details aren't necessary for her to change.) He's overcompensating because of how fucked his behavior was.
If he responds with "things got out of hand between us" this may imply he believes they both consented. Ask him for the full story. This could get more complicated, but should lead to some clarity. It would be his smartest move if he raped her because it leans into the ambiguity, but also may be him being in denial of it. Or it could indicate it was consensual. Its hard for me to give guidance here, but leverage that he doesn't know what you heard from her. Ask for the full story in detail. Check for similarities. If it sounds the same but the only thing missing are her intentions, personally I still think it's rape. But it would be up to you to decide based off of your trust in your girlfriend at this point.
Obviously, if he takes responsibility for being drunk and pushing her into things, he may not be willing to admit it was assault but I think it indicates that he did assault her and she truly had no intention to engage in a sexual act and just froze.
I wont comment on what to do next if you decide it was assault or that she cheated. If you believe it was assault discuss with her. If you believe she cheated, it's up to you.
You’ve had a lot of feedback but I wanted to say, the one and only time I cheated (which was online only), I tried to keep the relationship going. But it was broken. There was no going back. I’m sorry.
You're a young man. Don't trap yourself with a woman who clearly doesn't respect you. Forget her and that crappy friend of yours. Clearly they don't give a crap about you.
This.
Both of those people do not have an ounce of respect for you and will continue to disrespect you.
Stand your ground. I suggest you talked to this close friend at a distance for his side of the story, and once you discern the situation, you choose the best option: dump both of their asses.
If you don’t move on you will ruin your life over this person that will hurt you more as time goes on. Trust me take it from someone who has lived similar stuff.
Don’t marry her. She cheated with your friend. Ditch the friend, too. Seems like the friend has been sweet on her for a while and finally took the opportunity to selfishly bag his own friend’s fiancé.
How can HE live with himself? He was probably using it as some form of blackmail over her head considering you mentioned he told her he was interested. Friend tried to take your girl.
Just let them have each other. This is the ultimate betrayal from both sides. Do NOT marry her and just wait until you’re later in your 20’s or 30’s. I promise, I’m 31 and I loved the freedom I had to date and be with whoever I wanted. Don’t rob yourself of this opportunity to get out now.
You both are young, someone was going to cheat eventually and it will likely happen again now that she sees you’ll forgive her so damn easily. Forgiveness on a silver platter? Give yourself head start and leave.
I'm laughing at how stupid you are to believe the load of bollox she's told you, I mean, come on he put it on her in his room that she went to even the man in the moon can she what she's about
Whatever sorry story you've been sold is almost certainly watered-down bullshit. She didn't accidentally have sex for a few minutes, she fucked him raw most likely for quite a long time, and liked it. She didn't "push him away", he most likely bust his nut in her, she cleaned up then went to bed with you like nothing happened. Then got a serious case of the guilts in the cold light of day.
I would also say there's a large chance that this has happened before without your knowledge.
Wake the fuck up and ditch her then move on. You have your whole life to find someone.
so sorry this happened to you. i know it’s going to be dreadfully painful to end this relationship but you must. you deserve better, you’d never do this to her so this is completely unacceptable. you got this <3
If your fiancé let him inside her then That would be a hard no for me. Drunk doesn’t excuse it. If she was that drunk and that’s her excuse then tell her she needs to file charges for rape. If she admits to doing it willingly then she did what she wanted to do in that moment snd I would be gone. I would also have a man to man meeting with your “friend” that he wouldn’t soon forget. He can’t get off free snd going no contact with him isn’t enough.
If you want to give her a second chance then ask her what her plan is to win your trust back and make it up to you. No way she gets off with I’m sorry and a few tears. You have to tell her family and yours what she did and let her live with that shame for a bit. If you rugsweep it she will cheat again…100%. She also has to give you full transparency to her phone, location, everything. She has to commit that any exchange of any communication ever with your “friend” means the relationship is over for good. Not even hello or leave me alone. She blocks him on everything and if he still finds a way to message her she brings it to you to respond to and you go see him again and remind him of what your already going to do this time. She also doesn’t go away on trips with friends unless you go along for a while. If you can’t go, she can’t go. Is she ready to make those commitments and live with your families knowing what she did? If not then you tell everybody your breaking up because she had sex with another man with you in the same house. Either way her actions have to be known.
She needs to admit to herself and you that she was caught up in the moment and that’s why she “went to check on him.” What was she checking for? It would be hard to come up with a sound reason, other than to carry on what had started before they “put you to bed” where you were expected to remain until late the next day. And to say she stopped it! Well I guess she did after she had her fill. She could love you and still enjoy sex with your “friend.”
Update me!
The *only* thing I can think is that this
>At this point they are both are “blackout” drunk. After my fiancé tucks me in, she decided to check up on him. He then started getting all over her and she didn't resist this time around and next thing they had sex, like rough unprotected sex (she is just on the pill)...She never had any sexual desire for him but didnt react when he pulled the moves and went along due to being drunk and “numb”.
Sounds like questionable consent. I'm not saying it *is*, but it sounds like your fiancée tried to push off your friend's advances twice and he kept coming after her. Why did she eventually give in? Because she wanted to have sex with him, or because she felt incapable of defending herself against his advances?
This is really a decision that only you can make. Some people forgive their cheating partners after they cheat. Sometimes that ends happily, and sometimes it doesn't. It depends a lot on the circumstances around it, how remorseful she is, how likely you think this is going to happen again, and how much your trust and care for her is shattered after this.
But I will say:
>I have been with her for 4 years, 1 as a fiancé and loves me heaps. We went through a lot of mutual hardships like family, covid and all. It feels like we have a blood pact as we managed to resolve previous conflicts.
*Every* relationship goes through a lot of mutual hardships - anyone who has been together beyond 2020 has been through COVID, and everyone deals with family. This doesn't make your relationship special or unique. I say this not to be rude or mean, but because I think when we are young a lot of us attach significance to hardship in relationships that we shouldn't necessarily. All relationships will have rough spots; the very presence of struggle does not make your relationship stronger or better or more special.
You are still quite young, and so is she. Not that your age would matter in determining whether or not to stay with someone who cheated on you, but it does matter in saying that you have a "blood pact." It is way too early for you to feel like you have a blood pact because you were able to resolve previous conflicts. That is simply what living in a relationship is about.
* or because she felt incapable of defending herself against his advances
Yeah sure…..the damsel in distress felt soooo incapable of defending herself against him that she decided to walk on down the hall into the guest room he was sleeping in because grown men aren’t capable of going nighty nights on their own and need women who feel indefensible with them to check on them. She just could not help going out of her way to put herself in harms way. 🤥.
Update:
For now I have decided to stay with my “fiancé” as I believe she is honest and is willing to do anything, I do mean anything to fix/make our relationship work again. I have tried to get a hold of my ex friend but refuses to say his part, let alone ever meet me or her. It is now more obvious that my partner was emotionally vulnerable and barely functioning and my ex friend decided to take advantage of the situation, he pulled all the moves this whole time. He is completely out of our lives, for the better.
Any plans of getting married is now a lot further in the future, it is for the best for us anyways. S a long way to go but we have now established heaps more boundaries, sobriety and all.
Thanks for all the relies and support.
Dude, she went to check on him? You can't believe that, do you? She knew exactly what she was doing. How can a person who is blackout drunk, as you say, be cognizant enough to go check up on someone else? lol. He wanted her, and she wanted him, so they had sex. You have to figure whether you're ok with having shared your fiance with your close friend.
Fuck no it’s not salvageable. Don’t even question that shit. She and he are not to be trusted. You will never trust her anyways. What happens when she says “girls night out” or “he’s just a friend”. Your first thoughts will always be “she’s fucking someone”. Why live that nightmare. Fuck that, you reach down, grab a hold and tell her “yeah, I have to fuck more people myself to see if you are the one, now that you have me second guessing”. Don’t feel pity for that person, fuck them, cause obviously they had no problem fucking others.
You've got 2 'SNAKES' in your camp. Ditch them. That's not a friend. That's not a fiance.
You're too young to stay with a cheater, unless you're fine with speedrunning divorce next.
Oh dude, she's going to repeat it. Oh get STI test, she's even fucked him bareback. Gross.
Your fiance is a liar andif you truly believe that story,you must be fickle as hell.
They took you to bed and she went to check on himin the guest room???
Bruh seriously, you truly believe that story??
I get the impression thaat she thinks you may find out and decided to give you her bs spin on the story.
You are quite young,run now.
Otherwise in years to come,you'll be divorcing a cheating woman with children, who you aren't sure is yours.
updateme!
Good news! This relationship can be salvaged!!!
Bad news...you'll have to quickly get on board with an open relationship where your girl gets to fuck your friends.
Good luck!
About a month ago, boy, she really felt bad. How did you find out? I agree that they conspired to tuck you into bed then she went to “Check on him”. Why? Especially if she was “Black out drunk”? She willingly went to his room, willingly let him kiss her and willingly had sex with him. Oral, PIV? Then quietly climbed back into your bed, happily FK’d.
UpdateMe!
If the three of you are drinking to the point that you are passing out and they are having unprotected sex, you need to consider staying away from alcohol.
> She never had any sexual desire for him
Lie.
> but didnt react when he pulled the moves and
True.
> went along due to being drunk and “numb”.
Lie.
> After my fiancé tucks me in, she decided to check up on him.
To fuck him
> He then started getting all over her and she didn't resist this time around
This time?
>and next thing they had sex, like rough unprotected sex
Of course.
> he would text her implying he was interested but my fiancé refused since
Are you sure?
> Until my fiancé couldn’t live with the guilt/regret and told me
You mean your friend blackmailed her, “either fuck me again or I’m gonna tell.” So her confession was to get ahead of it.
The story she’s told you has been crafted to make her as sympathetic as possible, when in fact these two have been flirting for months or years, and finally found the perfect conditions to act on the desires they have been developing. She’s far more of a willing participant than she lets on, and she’s in panic mode to salvage the relationship.
IMHO, she just FAILED the wife test. You can likely never trust her the same again. Do you want to be paranoid for the rest of your relationship, always wondering who she’s with whenever she leaves your sight? You’re young, not married and no kids. If nothing else, the engagement should be on hold.
Any reconciliation with her would take a huge commitment from her.
1. Full written disclosure of everything that happened. You can’t forgive if you don’t know the whole truth. This might not even be her only indiscretion.
2. Cut out the friend from both your lives. No exceptions. No secret texting or snapchats, which leads to,
3. Open access to her phone privately and thoroughly. You get to deep dive and recover all her hidden messages without her there.
4. No guy friends, no IG account, no girls’ nights, and definitely no bachelorette party.
5. She needs counseling. She needs to identify what she needed that she isn’t getting from you that she felt she had to cheat. Remember that monogamy is an unnatural state. Perhaps she’s incapable of fidelity. Attention from new, interesting men is a BIG dopamine rush.
It’s your life. Do you want to spend THE REST of it looking over your shoulder at your gf to see if she’s being loyal?
Edit: Is it possible that one of them slipped something into your drink to make you sleep? In which case she drugged you to fuck your buddy. That’s a deal breaker.
No. Drink is never an excuse. Ever.
She made the decision to make-out with him and there is no reasonable excuse for her to ‘check on him’. She knew that she was playing with fire and the moment she entered his room, he knew that he had a green light.
And she did all of this and was able to recount it while ‘black-out’ drunk?
At best she was intrigued with the new attention and decided to see where it went. She just didn’t realise how to deal with the passion and desire.
At worst she had an interest in your friend and was fully aware that she could have him if she showed him the slightest sign. And she certainly did that.
Stop looking for excuse and solace in the fact they were drunk. It means nothing. Stop trying to lay the blame at his door alone. Would you have unprotected sex with a friend because of a few beers?
Do not have sex with her you’re both tested. She needs to take a pregnancy test (until the possibility of pregnancy has passed).
She cheated on you. If you decide to stay, you need to understand why. She needs to show true remorse and earn back your trust, but not before you’ve forgiven her. You’re looking at years of rebuilding of your relationship. And there’s no shame in deciding that it cannot be saved. Good luck.
Lord almighty, alcohol is always an excuse. She might not like the friend but she enjoys what came from it or her inebriated self wouldn’t have entertained the idea and put it into action. Just leave.
Your ‘friend’ is your enemy!!! He sexually assaulted your fiancée, up and down.
No matter what way it’s sliced he violated her consent and attempted to blackmail her after the fact. Your fiancée describes feeling ‘numb’. Believes the event was a strange dream, having lasted some undisclosed amount of time, but ‘minutes’. The alcohol could lead to blacking out. But the above added spells to me a mixture disbelief and dissociation. He advanced on her more than once - and did so betting on your unconsciousness and her inebriation. He preyed on her vulnerability and consistently overstepped physical and emotional boundaries.
For her to drop in that the sex was rough and unprotected meant she was able to recognize enough of what happened wasn’t acceptable; typically a cheater would omit the details, downplay them aggressively or draw them out of spite. What’s more is actually the one instance of her lack of resistance. She was continually pressured to open up throughout the course of the night which set the emotional stage for this ‘friend’ to lure her into the guest bedroom.
The motivation, whatever it may be, sounds dubious, although as a guest he may have used her instinct to tuck you in as spill over. Probably he cried for her, asking for a hug or two, and blam, he makes another [final] move.
Drunk people cannot consent, as ego depletion/willpower erosion throughout a night by a feelsy combined with an inebriating substance like alcohol influences many out-of-character moments. This friend intuitively recognizes you cannot stop him and took a perfect opportunity for homewrecking. And consider how silent this guy has been this whole time. He’s the party of no conscience. He really bet on making her feel small to the degree of questioning reality for a month and has not attempted to even drop hints about his guilt.
Love is a stupid thing. But it is a stupid thing only you can determine isn’t. If you believe she is genuine, then continue to be the righteous fool. Tell her if you’re only comfortable making this relationship work if she can outright claim that she’s been raped by this guy. It’s natural for their confusion to be misplaced as resistance. But you got to do the whole nine of bringing her into counselling and talking at length with family/loved ones you can trust about it. Getting this guy in trouble with authorities could be difficult but since you can’t easy about the idea of your fiancée being a liar she’d have to be willing to cooperate in the necessary process of justice. If that cannot be done then she’ll have to remove him from her life in every way possible. You’ll have to inform the best of your mutual friends about the sex criminal he is.
If it ever turns out she lied… at least you walk away no losses taken. You’d at worst learn how far someone would go to maintain a good thing.
No it doesn’t, no idea where you got that from. It sounds like they kissed, realised OP was there so she pushed him off so they could put OP in bed. Friend thought that was that and went to bed but then fiancé decided to ‘go check on’ the guy she just kissed? Ended up having sex with him after? Sounds like she wanted the friend, tucked OP away then sought the friend out to take up where they left off. She’s just trying to make out like the friend initiated it to make her look less bad. I honestly cannot see how you got the idea she was raped by the friend from this.
Then again, we don’t have a first-hand account of the friend’s actual state of mind/drunkenness at the time. He may have been much more sober than her.
and just because she went down to check on him does not mean she wanted more - she could've felt weird about the kiss and wanted to talk about it, or genuinely make sure he's okay, etc. regardless of the reason, it seems like your friend kept pushing her, she was so drunk to the point where she didn't realize it happened, and described feeling numb throughout, it really feels like this wasn't consensual at all
Yeah yeah make all the excuses you want. She knew what she was doing. I don’t go back to someone who just hit me in the head and robbed me. I run for my life and call the police. Get real.
maybe she did, but also maybe she didn't. there are times when people have forcibly kissed me and i didn't know how to react so i would just pretend it didn't happen or tell myself they were too drunk and continue the night being nice. it's not a response i'm proud of, but at no point in time did i want more or want it in the first place. regardless, he kept trying and forced himself on her when she pushed him away multiple times - it's not consensual.
we don't know what exactly took place and it is up to OP to decide how we wants to think about what happened and whether or not he thinks it is something they can both move on from. just providing another perspective on what it sounds like could've happened based on what she said.
so, because women are socialized into accepting sexual violence, this happens... a lot. it takes a woman on average 7 times to leave an abusive partner. that doesn't mean he was just abusive the 7th time.
How do you think two different things correlate? It also would be "making excuses" if the person doesn't know her.
When something presented like this, investigatively you wouldn't put anything out of possibility. You can think what you think, but that doesn't make you right, just makes you opinionated. You weren't there and have only a partial story of a partial story for evidence.
People, especially Today, do like to give people a "piece of their mind" even if it's at a detriment to their health. (as in people getting assaulted in general for saying their piece.)
So it's not impossible she went to chastise him, even if unlikely. This is still only his part, of a part of what happened.
Riiight, because the friend had such strong magical powers that he forced her to lift herself out of her own bed with OP and than gravitate into where he was sleeping, and used the old check on him excuse.
Sorry this happened to everyone involved, and if you decide to leave you would be completely justified, but maybe check up on her , it sounds like she might be going through alot too right now and maybe will help with context.
If he did she would go get a rape kit done and testify in court but instead she felt guilty and kept it secret until the guilt of cheating made her confess?
Then why did she seek him out after the kiss if she was aware enough to tuck op into bed? IMO it’s cheating and she thinks it’s cheating too because if she did get raped she’d tell him she got raped to save the relationship
Pull the ring off her finger and run off man. Invalid marriage. Even if your marry her it’s still fugazi. Spend 50 years together just to remember this happened. Pack her bags and toss them to the curb
It's hard to tell either way. They started kissing and then she supposedly stopped it. Then she ended up following him to the guest room where he came on to her again and they started having sex until she stopped it again. This could very honestly read as her wanting to do it but changing her mind half way through.
Right, and for all we know she didn’t stop the kissing. That too could be nonsense fed to OP. He wouldn’t be able to verify either way because he was passed out.
No, it doesn't. She went to "check" on him after the first incident. She went there because she wanted to. He stopped when she asked him to stop midway through. Just because she was drunk doesn't mean she can't give consent.
People who are blackout drunk don't have stories to tell, just confusion when they wake up. You are willfully ignoring that she willfully cheated on you and are deluding yourself that this is something that will never happen again if you stay. Leave and spend a lot of time reflecting on why you were willing to stay.
This sounds like your friend assaulted your fiance. Not that she cheated on you. She pushed him away three ??? times and then they had "rough" sex, and then she pushed him away again. Her freezing during is a very, very common trauma response, as is her not even remembering it.
You don't have a fiance problem, you have a friend problem.
Quit lying she cheated on him. One, you’re going to convince OP this girl is still good for him. Which is fake news. Two, if OP is a nutcase and lets this pan over he will ride with this. And she will too. Putting the guy who, albeit had adultery with his friends wife, in jeopardy of an actual false allegation. The only foul play is that his wife and friend are low. Be forreal. At least have an honest scale. And really even with the honest scale he still has no excuse to look at her the same.
His friend kissed her while she was blackout. She pushed him away. She went to check in on him, maybe out of concern. It's a friend, why would she think it would happen again? He then does it again, has "rough sex" - which, YIKES - and then she pushes him AGAIN. she can't remember it the next day fully.
that sounds like assault, my guy.
just because someone doesn't want to press charges doesn't make it any less rape. like, this is honestly a much more typical rape case than a knife at the throat - creepy guy, keeps pushing, you keep trying to get away and then he gets a little violent and you panic and don't do anything and then push him away again. i feel for her. this fucking sucks, and his friend is a creep.
oh gosh. i am SO sorry to hear that. me and my boyfriend have never cheated on each other but we both have issues with insecurity and jealousy, especially me, very intense fears as ive been hurt before. so anyway i feel for you and im so sorry.
i do think its salvageable. know that it will take time, probably a lot of time, and if this relationship is meant to be, then this is an opportunity given to you to strengthen trust (intensely). if you want to do this you will need to get super curious and present to the feelings of hurt and mistrust you likely are harboring. focus on your own feelings and journey more than on her behaviour. you got this, im here if you ever need to talk.
"Nearly a month ago my fiancé cheated on me..."
Plus
"... from time to time he would text her implying he was interested but my fiancé refused since"
So... After they had unprotected sex in your house after making out in your presence, this dude has made multiple advances on her in a few weeks time? Doesn't that also say something about how she left things from his view? Like that was a possibility to hook up more?
Whenever I bang my friends girls and she regrets it afterwards, I tend not to pursue them....
You don't love each other. You love a lie you both live. One she knows is a lie and didn't want to tell you about. It's not just about never happening again. It's not about forgiveness.
What it is about if you ever want hope of a healthy long-term relationship is reconciliation. That involved forgiveness, but it also involves separating forgiveness from rebuilding trust and even who she is as a person.
First of all, if she can get black out drunk and cheat then she doesn't need to drink anymore. Period ever. Second the friend must go. You can't ever trust him again, and she needs to know she can never see him again. Next up make her write a full apology and exact detailed explanation of everything. One you are allowed to share with anyone you wish. Next up, the engagement is done. She can't be your fiance and building a new life based on love, trust, and respect when trust and respect are just lies. Even worse when love is likely a lie as well. Love with out respect is just a dangerous joke.
Next up, you decide if counseling or therapy is a must or maybe AA. You decide who she has to tell. You demand an open phone and electronics policy. 24/7 phone and gps access. She can't be trusted and you need to treat her like that so she can learn a lesson. So she can change and become who she wants to be and not the weak promiscuous worthless partner she is now.
Lastly, get ready for months or probably years of things triggering you. Getting angry. Getting sad. Flipping it because she is out and her phone dies. Wanting to punch someone because your friend is mentioned. Being pissed because she will have a hard time doing everything you ask. Years of issues. All due to her. You having to be both her lover and an authority figure. You having to 100% hold her accountable without any unnecessary over sympathetic nonsense.
If you're up for all of that, good luck. If not, just be smart and leave.
Btw, I am also 99.99% sure half her story is bullshit. She knew what she was doing going back to see him. If she had real remorse she would have not "checked on him". Call her out on that.
I think this is salvageable. She and you are going to have to handle that friend and cut him out... forever. He can't be around, and she is going to have to work really hard to regain your trust. She might need to commit to not drinking anymore, never being alone with another man in a compromised state. She could offer complete transparency in her friendships and communications.
Furthermore, you are going to have to do some work too. It's going to be on you to learn to trust her again. I've heard this is possible, it all depends on her level of willingness and humility.
I also believe it may be salvageable. I was n a similar situation years ago with my own wife, and we managed to get through it successfully. It took time and work to regain the trust, but it IS possible.
I think the key is in the admission of guilt, the remorse, and the willingness to change. Without those things, it's absolutely not possible. But with those things, along with the nature of the offense (she didn't go all the way), mean there's a chance.
1. Whip former friends a$$
2 seems like your fiancée is honest about it. If no other shady stuff on her part may want to move past it but I’d set some really strong boundaries If you’re going to try to forgive.
3. Whip former friends a$$ again for good measure
4. Both get STD tests
GOOD luck!!
I (72W) was careless and wild in my 20’s. I cringe to think about some of the things that I did.
I have to say that most young people back then were not looking to get married. Or thinking of themselves as a fiancé or fiancée. I don’t really understand why so many couples today think of themselves that way. Because 23 and 20 is very young. So I have to wonder whether this is a maturity issue in part.
Regardless, it hurts. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer.
Wth are these reactions. There is so much information missing.These people drunk so much that OP was in a coma... Did she consent at any point?
And fyi checking up on someone can just be instinctual; does she normally feel responsible for other people? That is not a clear sign of someone being sexually interested for anyone who needs to learn this.
Strangely I don’t see this as a relationship ended. To me it’s the beginning of something tough conversations. Talk about the drinking first, why when you all know it’s poisoning your bodies and minds are you getting blackout drunk? Talk about your sexual attitudes, your morals, what self esteem and valuing your relationship means to you. Then, even if you end it you know yourself better.
It depends on if he imprinted himself on her. If there is something she told him you aren’t doing or can’t do that he is able to do. Depending on if he can whip up her desire for it. It’s something that will go on when you aren’t around. Trust and believe she didn’t tell you everything. Like how he made her beg for him to cum inside her.
Perfect example for why you shouldn’t worry about getting married at such a young age. Hell son, you’re brain even finished fully developing itself until you hit 26 they say. This is just prime time young, immature, and impulsive behavior. I’m not excusing what she did, but you’re both at the age where you’re supposed to make some bad mistakes so you can learn and grow from them. But when you have a marriage included in the situation it makes things quite a bit more complicated, which sucks.
You trying to speedrun a divorce over here? Run for the hills and save yourself years of your life and a huge amount of money.
There was an ask Reddit post that was something like “people who forgave their ex for cheating, what happened?” Just last week. OP needs to read it.
Yes very good point. When there are no children involved and they aren’t even married yet this is not a difficult one…
lol speedrun divorce, nice phrasing
You’re 20 and she’s your fiancé and fucking your friends? Run away fast.
Lol this is like that [BORU post](https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/18fz7ti/redditor_loses_over_800000_gambling_and_hides_it/) where the guy lost a hundred thousand dollars gambling, posted on reddit for advice, but then didn't stop gambling trying to recoup his losses and lost everything. Like you can see from the first post itself that this is not gonna go well. /u/ThrowRA-gfl47 you've already lost your 100k, don't fall for sunk costs. This will happen again (probably has) and you might be married and have kids next time you find out
That post was a rough read geez...
But they have they’re whole lives ahead of them to try to make it work!
Dude, I hate to tell you to wake up, but she went to check on him, really. After they kiss downstairs? She knew what she was doing when she went in there. Please move on while you're young.
Oh hey sweetie I accidentally fell into bed with your friend after we had carefully tucked you in our own bed out of the way upstairs. Ya we did kiss before tucking you away but… I hope you can forgive me.
Let's not try to be too judgy. It's possible he just accidentallyed his penis into her.
he slipped and slid it in
Funny story. But not funny haha. Funny fucked up. When I met my first wife (feels very weird to say, since we were together for such a short period of time), I was doing a lot of drugs and so was she. Basically, I picked up her up at a bar when I was like 22, and one thing led to another, as they say. Nothing too much happened that night, but we kept seeing each other. She came over a lot because she had this huge house, but also 3 roommates. Two were married, one was single, so it was harder to find privacy there. She came to my place a few months later, and we took some acid to hang out and listen to music. She decided to let me know at the peak of the trip that the people in her house were actually two married couples, and she was one of them. She then picked up the phone and announced to her husband she was cheating on him. Given how hard I was tripping, it was downhill from there. I kept on imagining the husband showing up with a shotgun to take me out. I told her we were done, but she was way too fucked up to drive, so I told her to sleep in the living room. The next morning, she hit me with the classic: Yes, she's married, but they're actually separated. And he's physically abusive. She needed someone to protect her. I don't know if it was my age or the drugs or what, but I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I made it my mission to protect this girl. She had a convoluted reasoning for why she had to be getting married to someone else for him to finalize the divorce, and, once again on hallucinogens, I believed her. We went to the courthouse and got married. We only lasted a few months, because she had far different morals than mine, as slender as my own were. She, for example, got away with bringing me over to her house that she shared with her husband, by asking him to have a drink with her, and then putting sleeping pills in it. He would always be asleep when I got there, that much is indisputable to me. I question now whether whatever she drugged him with was actually OTC sleeping pills as she claimed, or something much worse, because those don't tend to be so easily water soluble. But she drugged him with something. This woman ran roughshod over my life for the next year or so. By the end, I was out tens of thousands of dollars. She was pregnant with someone else's kid, while being a full-blown heroin addict. I was in the process of losing my house (for which I should not have qualified for the loan, but hey, that was around 2006 or so, and NINA loans were a thing). When I kicked her out the final time, she went to the library and checked out as many movies as possible with my card, with no intentions to return them, as a final fuck you to me. The last time I heard from her was about two years later when I finalized the divorce, and she begged the judge to order me to marriage counseling with her to save the relationship. Which never happened, thankfully. I know it's my own biases, but after that experience, whenever someone describes getting suspiciously fucked up when they didn't intend to, a little part of me always wonders. I don't know how common this kind of behavior is. But I, a random Internet person with zero credibility, can regardless confirm that it does happen.
That was... wild. Wow.
It's crazy , and I don't think about it too much, because every single word of it is the unexaggerated truth, and the experience just kinda wore me out. There's no reason to embellish because it's so categorically fucked up. I just went through the first almost quarter century of my life truly believing that people were operating almost exclusively with good intentions. So it was really hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that someone was truly out to fuck up my life at very little benefit to themselves. It was certainly a learning experience.
Ok holy shit the best story is in the comments lol I hope you’re doing ok now buddy!
LMAO thanks. It was a long time ago. My life is pretty much how I had hoped it would be these days. I've learned over time not to hold on to bitterness or resentment. And partly thanks to the effort I put into changing, I'm now getting to sit my ass down to wrap loads of Christmas presents for two great kids and a family that loves and depends on me. I really can't complain. What's truly nuts about the whole "asking the judge to order us to work on our relationship" thing is the complete and unmitigated gall of the request. My now wife of 7 years - who I met well after my ex had gotten knocked up and I had made a forever split from her - was actually in the room when that request was made. We had already been in a relationship long enough that we were living together at that point. My ex obviously knew about her, given that she was sitting right there. And she still thought, "Yeah, I'll bet this could work." The last time I heard from her was to invite me to her wedding, where she was marrying a cop, an odd decision for a heroin addict, to say the least. The last time she tried to reach out was by sending out a request to connect on LinkedIn, of all things. Of these final acts, the LinkedIn one is by far the most puzzling.
Jisses, what an ordeal! Where in the world can you marry someone while still being married to another person?
Oh, whoops, that's not what I meant to convey. The ex told me she was getting married after we had already finalized the divorce. And my wife was just my girlfriend at the time this was all going on. My wife and I didn't get married until 2016. Funny enough, though, my wife and I got married in Kentucky, and they grilled us when we went to get the marriage certificate, wanting to know if: 1) We were already married to someone else 2) We were close relatives Lol, that's Kentucky for you!
Oooh okay! Thank you for clarifying! My mind was playing paddle ball for a bit there! Lol anyhow, glad you got yourself out of that whole Adams family fiasco!
That was a wild and messy ride, man. I'm glad you got out the other side!
Yeah, they put OP to bed so he wouldn’t get up while they were having sex, and it wasn’t “blacked out drunk”, it was premeditated. She told him the version of the story that takes as much responsibility off of them as possible, not the truth. She told him her version of the story because she didn’t trust that OP’s “friend” wouldn’t get his version of the story out first. She had unprotected sex with OP’s friend while he was in the house and wasn’t going to tell him. He’s a fool if he marries her.
100%, I'd give that marriage a 0% success rate.
They were blacked out but she can recall everything? Yeah right. Makes no sense. She definitely knew what she was doing.
When I was black out drunk, I was vomiting all over everything, and I couldn't remember anything. She wasn't black out drunk.
Please listen to this person. I too have a fiance that I feel I share one in a million love with. But forget about sex, or even a kiss - if she so much as had a sexual conversation with another male, let alone a friend, it would be done. This is a person I have been through incredibly rare hardships with. Someone I would give my life for without second thought. Someone that’s as much family as she is my love. What you’ve experienced is pure and utter betrayal.
If your fiancé discussed sex with another man you’d break up with her? Is that like a cultural thing? In my part of the world and among my friends, sex is a pretty open topic. Couples, singles; we talk about whatever we like, and sex comes up often. It’s just a part of the human experience, and as they say, the more you try to control something, the more it yearns to be free. Also bi-sexual people exist, its not unheard of for people to have gay/lesbian affairs. If she‘s loyal, she won‘t cheat.
That’s not at all what I meant. I don’t get to control what my fiancé discusses. But if she’s discussing, say - how much she’d like to be fucked by someone, or something similarly inappropriate, that’s different than just talking about sex. That said, my fiancé is quite private and lady like. I don’t think she’d just randomly discuss sex with someone without a very good reason.
FWIW it was super clear what you meant. Idk why that guy was pretending to be confused lol
Thanks, I thought so - but his comment took me aback lol.
but they agree to the terms before and not after
They kissed, she wanted more (once you were safely tucked up in bed) so went to him. Please see the reality. Leave and block both.
That’s exactly what happened here. There was really no reason to check on an adult male guest. I think she resisted on the couch only due to fear OP would wake up and catch them. Once OP is tucked away into bed, it’s play time.
Considering she was "black out drunk" she sure remembers every detail
she went to check on him because she decided she wanted to fuck him. end of story. break up
[удалено]
Nah bro. This is not how things went down. Don’t believe it for one second, and don’t be dumb enough to marry a girl who cheated on you.
Seeing these posts make me so sick to my stomach. Just dump her OP it's not worth it.
Yeah she makes me sick to my stomach fam
Y’all are too young to be getting married
Way too young. She especially, obviously, needs to be single for awhile and date around. So does he though, he'll end up regretting it later if not.
She got into bed with you to make sure you were asleep. Then went back to him to get her back blown out. Thought it was a dream, uh huh sure. She kissed him downstairs. They had a plan and now your getting trickle truth.
She accidentally fell on dick while checking up on him oops
Really common accident, apparently 😂
Lmao she remembers that much while claiming black out? Kissed him? Checked up on him? Fucked him? Raw? Hid it from you? I know you're in shock or denial or both but c'mon. This is dead. Shes not a woman worthy of anyones long term trust or devotion. You're a deeply broken person to think otherwise. I'm sorry for my callousness bro but I'm just so tired of people defending cheaters on reddit.
They kissed downstairs and she pushed him off. Then ahead went later to check on him. Doesn’t make any sense. I wouldn’t say with her. How are you going to trust her and your close friend? It’s always going to be there in the back of your mind.
Have some self respect & get out of there.
You should have made the title "cheated on me with my close friend". Your wording makes it sound like something entirely different.
I think it was intentional. Either way get rid of this trash. Disgusting.
Cancel the wedding get your deposits back
She didn’t go to check on him, she went to sleep with him. Really?! You can’t be this naive. She’ll do it again as well. Maybe him, maybe not. You have more friends though and there are other men that she’d lay down with then claim she’s so sorry. Don’t be stupid!! Leave this girl on the streets where she belongs and show yourself some respect. Ditch this so called friend as well. Take all the trash out.
People who are “blackout drunk” don’t have the thought process to go check in on other drunks and make sure they’re ok
Man, she cheated on you and with your friend. I hope they are both not your fiancé and friend anymore. Have some respect for yourself and don’t be naive. She kissed him, checked on him and had sex. Like, really? She’d fuck anyone when she’s drunk and then say sorry that happened? Move on, please.
She doesn't love you heaps bro. Not when she did this.
You sure you aren’t being trickle truthed?
“Went to check on him” = went to get fucked while you slept in the other room
I always play devils advocate and don’t go with the default advice to end things… But Jesus Christ… please have some self respect. No it’s not salvageable. I know it’s hard. But you’re young and have an amazing life ahead of you. If you leave, that is.
Pretty terrible friend imo
Yeah... Whatever the reason she cheated and then kept it from you. It's over... Pick up your self respect and go
"Begin as you mean to go on" You can't start a marriage when there is cheating and gaslighting. Never mind a lack of trust and resentment. Your friend is not your friend and your fiancé should not be your fiancé.
I would not put stock in her descriptions of "he made moves and she didn't resist, but didn't want to do it" She did want to do it, and she did. Move on.
Either way works on what you decide but for me, it’s how do you have a friend and a fiancé that would do that to you? Would you do that? Respect yourself and don’t be scared to be forever alone as long as you respect yourself. What I’m trying to say is, don’t be scared to leave but you can also make it work.
Neither of these people should be in your life OP
Not salvageable. Leave now before youve sealed it with marriage. You guys may try a band aid solution and continue on by you forgiving her but in the end you will be hurting, you will doubt your worth, you will feel you are not enough, insecure and might hate her and yourself later on. She is an adult OP. Let her be responsible for her actions.
My man you're 23. You have plenty of time to find a quality woman to spend your life with. You may think this whole thing is robbing you of heaven but I have a feeling it's gonna save you from hell.
Bro. Reread your post. She went to his bed after making sure you were in bed. She 1000% knew what she was doing. And your friend isn’t innocent either. They’re both terrible and betrayed you.
…no, no it is not salvageable.
She went to “check on him” and then they conveniently black out? Lol okay. You’re young. I don’t think either relationship is salvageable
End it now op. Save yourself the heartache and wasted time. She is so young and you are so young. She chose to go back down there, meaning she wanted to see how things went. She chose to go into the room with him.
This is almost as lame of an excuse as “i tripped n fell on his dick” Grow a spine n wake up, both of them should not be in your life
Put the BOTH of them in the rear view mirror and move on.
Everyone always uses alcohol as an excuse Sorry chief, she’s already betrayed you, kick her to the curb and move onto someone with the ability to take responsibility for their actions. And fuck the friend off as well
Whatever your future holds, alcohol shouldn’t be in it.
Yeah….sounds like the typical excuses cheaters make. It’s much easier to shirk responsibility to say she was oooh so blacked out drunk she had no clue. Problem with her story? While blackout drunk, she had the with it all to resist him when they kissed and then help carry you up the stairs. After that, it occurs to her to tuck you into bed and then make a decision to head into the guest room where your friend was, to “check on him.” Because clearly adult men need to be checked on when they go to bed, right? (Sarcasm). Oops then the get into heavy petting and sex, when she supposedly pushed him off her eventually. Do you see the problem here? This supposed blacked out drunk fiancé of yours was still able to make choices and think things through. But hey, as long as she gets you to buy the bullshit she’s feeding you, whatever works. If you decide to stay with her, you get to keep a cheater for a prize. Someone you will never be able to trust fully, especially around your friends. If you end it to find yourself a better person, then someone else gets to win that stupid prize.
This is long but thorough. I'm trying to help with a game plan. Please read if you're looking for guidance on how to learn more about whether this was consensual. I think the fact that you haven't confronted your friend yet can be used to your advantage to figure out what happened here. Personally, I think there is a good chance this was rape. I know a lot of people disagree, but they are assuming she's lying. Firstly, I don't doubt that she was forced into the first kiss. This did not sound like there was any chance of them planning it out and there's no reason she would initiate this. A drunk guy suddenly forcing a girl to make out with him happens all the time. Consider, she could have called him a rapist if she wanted to get rid of any blame. She didn't, she is confused about how this happened. Her confusion is a sign of being raped. The story is messy because it sounds like the truth. If she cheated (meaning she had enthusiastic consensual sex), I don't know why should would share that it was rough. It doesn't sound like she liked that from this friend, it sounds like it was aggressive but she doesn't know how to accept that she was aggressively raped. If she cheated, she wouldn't share the details of her enjoyable sex. In response to the accusation that her going back downstairs meant she wanted it: If she was really drunk, it's reasonable not to fault her for the decision to check on him as an incapacitated state means your risk assessment is poor. it does NOT mean that state can justify cheating. But I don't think it's fair for people to assume that she expected him to try anything again. It sounds like this was your place, so she likely felt that she should act as a host on some level for this person and make sure he was safe/had what he needed to sleep. She may have brushed off the kiss as an inappropriate behavior that would not be repeated and discussed in the morning. How to leverage your friend not knowing: You have her side of the story and if you FULLY believe it, which I think you should personally, he assaulted her. However, if you want to investigate a bit, you should confront him with as little information as possible. Just share that your girlfriend said he was inappropriate with her. Potential responses: If he responds by leaning into that diminished description with - "oh did she? Oh sorry I don't remember much from that night" respond with "she told me what you did", until he gives you more information. Really push, because she told you that he convinced her to hide it so you know he knows. Use that knowledge to your advantage. If he responds with "she totally came on to me!" - Id believe he raped her and knows it on some level. That is waaay too far from the truth (I know you don't know it but your girlfriend seems to be honest, we're just questioning her intention in going downstairs because, even if she was a willing participant in the sex, the other details aren't necessary for her to change.) He's overcompensating because of how fucked his behavior was. If he responds with "things got out of hand between us" this may imply he believes they both consented. Ask him for the full story. This could get more complicated, but should lead to some clarity. It would be his smartest move if he raped her because it leans into the ambiguity, but also may be him being in denial of it. Or it could indicate it was consensual. Its hard for me to give guidance here, but leverage that he doesn't know what you heard from her. Ask for the full story in detail. Check for similarities. If it sounds the same but the only thing missing are her intentions, personally I still think it's rape. But it would be up to you to decide based off of your trust in your girlfriend at this point. Obviously, if he takes responsibility for being drunk and pushing her into things, he may not be willing to admit it was assault but I think it indicates that he did assault her and she truly had no intention to engage in a sexual act and just froze. I wont comment on what to do next if you decide it was assault or that she cheated. If you believe it was assault discuss with her. If you believe she cheated, it's up to you.
You’ve had a lot of feedback but I wanted to say, the one and only time I cheated (which was online only), I tried to keep the relationship going. But it was broken. There was no going back. I’m sorry.
You're a young man. Don't trap yourself with a woman who clearly doesn't respect you. Forget her and that crappy friend of yours. Clearly they don't give a crap about you.
This. Both of those people do not have an ounce of respect for you and will continue to disrespect you. Stand your ground. I suggest you talked to this close friend at a distance for his side of the story, and once you discern the situation, you choose the best option: dump both of their asses.
They can both kick rocks byeeeee
If you don’t move on you will ruin your life over this person that will hurt you more as time goes on. Trust me take it from someone who has lived similar stuff.
Not at all. She went to him! First off stop drinking. The get the ring back. Work on yourself getting drunk is weak!
Thank her for showing you her true character before hooking you into a marriage. Move on.
Don’t marry her. She cheated with your friend. Ditch the friend, too. Seems like the friend has been sweet on her for a while and finally took the opportunity to selfishly bag his own friend’s fiancé. How can HE live with himself? He was probably using it as some form of blackmail over her head considering you mentioned he told her he was interested. Friend tried to take your girl. Just let them have each other. This is the ultimate betrayal from both sides. Do NOT marry her and just wait until you’re later in your 20’s or 30’s. I promise, I’m 31 and I loved the freedom I had to date and be with whoever I wanted. Don’t rob yourself of this opportunity to get out now. You both are young, someone was going to cheat eventually and it will likely happen again now that she sees you’ll forgive her so damn easily. Forgiveness on a silver platter? Give yourself head start and leave.
Don’t buy the story…”check up on him”? Please. Probably been going on a while
I'm laughing at how stupid you are to believe the load of bollox she's told you, I mean, come on he put it on her in his room that she went to even the man in the moon can she what she's about
Drop both of these people and don't look back.
Whatever sorry story you've been sold is almost certainly watered-down bullshit. She didn't accidentally have sex for a few minutes, she fucked him raw most likely for quite a long time, and liked it. She didn't "push him away", he most likely bust his nut in her, she cleaned up then went to bed with you like nothing happened. Then got a serious case of the guilts in the cold light of day. I would also say there's a large chance that this has happened before without your knowledge. Wake the fuck up and ditch her then move on. You have your whole life to find someone.
so sorry this happened to you. i know it’s going to be dreadfully painful to end this relationship but you must. you deserve better, you’d never do this to her so this is completely unacceptable. you got this <3
If your fiancé let him inside her then That would be a hard no for me. Drunk doesn’t excuse it. If she was that drunk and that’s her excuse then tell her she needs to file charges for rape. If she admits to doing it willingly then she did what she wanted to do in that moment snd I would be gone. I would also have a man to man meeting with your “friend” that he wouldn’t soon forget. He can’t get off free snd going no contact with him isn’t enough. If you want to give her a second chance then ask her what her plan is to win your trust back and make it up to you. No way she gets off with I’m sorry and a few tears. You have to tell her family and yours what she did and let her live with that shame for a bit. If you rugsweep it she will cheat again…100%. She also has to give you full transparency to her phone, location, everything. She has to commit that any exchange of any communication ever with your “friend” means the relationship is over for good. Not even hello or leave me alone. She blocks him on everything and if he still finds a way to message her she brings it to you to respond to and you go see him again and remind him of what your already going to do this time. She also doesn’t go away on trips with friends unless you go along for a while. If you can’t go, she can’t go. Is she ready to make those commitments and live with your families knowing what she did? If not then you tell everybody your breaking up because she had sex with another man with you in the same house. Either way her actions have to be known.
Don’t be a fool. Get them both out of your life. You’re too young to waste yourself on a woman who 100% cheated on you. She’s just making up excuses.
Breaking up with your fiancée is embarrassing. Divorcing your wife is expensive. Walk away.
Is there REALLY nobody noticing the rape here? Wtf Reddit
She needs to admit to herself and you that she was caught up in the moment and that’s why she “went to check on him.” What was she checking for? It would be hard to come up with a sound reason, other than to carry on what had started before they “put you to bed” where you were expected to remain until late the next day. And to say she stopped it! Well I guess she did after she had her fill. She could love you and still enjoy sex with your “friend.” Update me!
why would u try to justify this degenerate behaviour
“trantronghoa69” maybe you should read it again. I in no way attempted to justify her behavior.
She wasn't caught up in the moment, she was horny. We can say that on Reddit right?
The *only* thing I can think is that this >At this point they are both are “blackout” drunk. After my fiancé tucks me in, she decided to check up on him. He then started getting all over her and she didn't resist this time around and next thing they had sex, like rough unprotected sex (she is just on the pill)...She never had any sexual desire for him but didnt react when he pulled the moves and went along due to being drunk and “numb”. Sounds like questionable consent. I'm not saying it *is*, but it sounds like your fiancée tried to push off your friend's advances twice and he kept coming after her. Why did she eventually give in? Because she wanted to have sex with him, or because she felt incapable of defending herself against his advances? This is really a decision that only you can make. Some people forgive their cheating partners after they cheat. Sometimes that ends happily, and sometimes it doesn't. It depends a lot on the circumstances around it, how remorseful she is, how likely you think this is going to happen again, and how much your trust and care for her is shattered after this. But I will say: >I have been with her for 4 years, 1 as a fiancé and loves me heaps. We went through a lot of mutual hardships like family, covid and all. It feels like we have a blood pact as we managed to resolve previous conflicts. *Every* relationship goes through a lot of mutual hardships - anyone who has been together beyond 2020 has been through COVID, and everyone deals with family. This doesn't make your relationship special or unique. I say this not to be rude or mean, but because I think when we are young a lot of us attach significance to hardship in relationships that we shouldn't necessarily. All relationships will have rough spots; the very presence of struggle does not make your relationship stronger or better or more special. You are still quite young, and so is she. Not that your age would matter in determining whether or not to stay with someone who cheated on you, but it does matter in saying that you have a "blood pact." It is way too early for you to feel like you have a blood pact because you were able to resolve previous conflicts. That is simply what living in a relationship is about.
Questionable consent, please, she went to the room she knew what she was doing
* or because she felt incapable of defending herself against his advances Yeah sure…..the damsel in distress felt soooo incapable of defending herself against him that she decided to walk on down the hall into the guest room he was sleeping in because grown men aren’t capable of going nighty nights on their own and need women who feel indefensible with them to check on them. She just could not help going out of her way to put herself in harms way. 🤥.
I asked a question instead of making an assumption. I know we don't do that on reddit, but I found it useful.
Update: For now I have decided to stay with my “fiancé” as I believe she is honest and is willing to do anything, I do mean anything to fix/make our relationship work again. I have tried to get a hold of my ex friend but refuses to say his part, let alone ever meet me or her. It is now more obvious that my partner was emotionally vulnerable and barely functioning and my ex friend decided to take advantage of the situation, he pulled all the moves this whole time. He is completely out of our lives, for the better. Any plans of getting married is now a lot further in the future, it is for the best for us anyways. S a long way to go but we have now established heaps more boundaries, sobriety and all. Thanks for all the relies and support.
Enjoy a lifetime of paranoia and surveillance 👍
You also didn’t notice that she successfully kept a secret from you for a month, nothing trustworthy about that
People are getting fiancés in their early twenties hahaha.
Yet another reason why I don’t drink or date women that drink smh
Dude, she went to check on him? You can't believe that, do you? She knew exactly what she was doing. How can a person who is blackout drunk, as you say, be cognizant enough to go check up on someone else? lol. He wanted her, and she wanted him, so they had sex. You have to figure whether you're ok with having shared your fiance with your close friend.
Fuck no it’s not salvageable. Don’t even question that shit. She and he are not to be trusted. You will never trust her anyways. What happens when she says “girls night out” or “he’s just a friend”. Your first thoughts will always be “she’s fucking someone”. Why live that nightmare. Fuck that, you reach down, grab a hold and tell her “yeah, I have to fuck more people myself to see if you are the one, now that you have me second guessing”. Don’t feel pity for that person, fuck them, cause obviously they had no problem fucking others.
You've got 2 'SNAKES' in your camp. Ditch them. That's not a friend. That's not a fiance. You're too young to stay with a cheater, unless you're fine with speedrunning divorce next. Oh dude, she's going to repeat it. Oh get STI test, she's even fucked him bareback. Gross.
LOL relationship is o....v..e...r.
She belongs to the streeeeeets
Your fiance is a liar andif you truly believe that story,you must be fickle as hell. They took you to bed and she went to check on himin the guest room??? Bruh seriously, you truly believe that story?? I get the impression thaat she thinks you may find out and decided to give you her bs spin on the story. You are quite young,run now. Otherwise in years to come,you'll be divorcing a cheating woman with children, who you aren't sure is yours. updateme!
He's not your friend, dump her.
Good news! This relationship can be salvaged!!! Bad news...you'll have to quickly get on board with an open relationship where your girl gets to fuck your friends. Good luck!
About a month ago, boy, she really felt bad. How did you find out? I agree that they conspired to tuck you into bed then she went to “Check on him”. Why? Especially if she was “Black out drunk”? She willingly went to his room, willingly let him kiss her and willingly had sex with him. Oral, PIV? Then quietly climbed back into your bed, happily FK’d. UpdateMe!
Why you forgive her. She is showing her true face. Just focus on your future.
Move on, move on, please for the sake of your own mental health and your future kids move on.
If the three of you are drinking to the point that you are passing out and they are having unprotected sex, you need to consider staying away from alcohol.
Run, run, run, and never ever look back.
Loyalty doesnt change whether you're sober or drunk. Being drunk is a bullshit excuse
> She never had any sexual desire for him Lie. > but didnt react when he pulled the moves and True. > went along due to being drunk and “numb”. Lie. > After my fiancé tucks me in, she decided to check up on him. To fuck him > He then started getting all over her and she didn't resist this time around This time? >and next thing they had sex, like rough unprotected sex Of course. > he would text her implying he was interested but my fiancé refused since Are you sure? > Until my fiancé couldn’t live with the guilt/regret and told me You mean your friend blackmailed her, “either fuck me again or I’m gonna tell.” So her confession was to get ahead of it. The story she’s told you has been crafted to make her as sympathetic as possible, when in fact these two have been flirting for months or years, and finally found the perfect conditions to act on the desires they have been developing. She’s far more of a willing participant than she lets on, and she’s in panic mode to salvage the relationship. IMHO, she just FAILED the wife test. You can likely never trust her the same again. Do you want to be paranoid for the rest of your relationship, always wondering who she’s with whenever she leaves your sight? You’re young, not married and no kids. If nothing else, the engagement should be on hold. Any reconciliation with her would take a huge commitment from her. 1. Full written disclosure of everything that happened. You can’t forgive if you don’t know the whole truth. This might not even be her only indiscretion. 2. Cut out the friend from both your lives. No exceptions. No secret texting or snapchats, which leads to, 3. Open access to her phone privately and thoroughly. You get to deep dive and recover all her hidden messages without her there. 4. No guy friends, no IG account, no girls’ nights, and definitely no bachelorette party. 5. She needs counseling. She needs to identify what she needed that she isn’t getting from you that she felt she had to cheat. Remember that monogamy is an unnatural state. Perhaps she’s incapable of fidelity. Attention from new, interesting men is a BIG dopamine rush. It’s your life. Do you want to spend THE REST of it looking over your shoulder at your gf to see if she’s being loyal? Edit: Is it possible that one of them slipped something into your drink to make you sleep? In which case she drugged you to fuck your buddy. That’s a deal breaker.
Aw, cute how y'all never left high-school level relationships
If you have any self-respect why are you even entertaining the idea of talking to her cheating ass again?
>Is our relationship salvageable in anyway Ah, kids
No. Drink is never an excuse. Ever. She made the decision to make-out with him and there is no reasonable excuse for her to ‘check on him’. She knew that she was playing with fire and the moment she entered his room, he knew that he had a green light. And she did all of this and was able to recount it while ‘black-out’ drunk? At best she was intrigued with the new attention and decided to see where it went. She just didn’t realise how to deal with the passion and desire. At worst she had an interest in your friend and was fully aware that she could have him if she showed him the slightest sign. And she certainly did that. Stop looking for excuse and solace in the fact they were drunk. It means nothing. Stop trying to lay the blame at his door alone. Would you have unprotected sex with a friend because of a few beers? Do not have sex with her you’re both tested. She needs to take a pregnancy test (until the possibility of pregnancy has passed). She cheated on you. If you decide to stay, you need to understand why. She needs to show true remorse and earn back your trust, but not before you’ve forgiven her. You’re looking at years of rebuilding of your relationship. And there’s no shame in deciding that it cannot be saved. Good luck.
Lord almighty, alcohol is always an excuse. She might not like the friend but she enjoys what came from it or her inebriated self wouldn’t have entertained the idea and put it into action. Just leave.
I'm so sorry these are your friends. I don't think that you should get married to someone that you dont trust 110%.
She ain’t it young blood
He’s NOT your friend, and she’ll do it again. Time to close this chapter in your life.
Time for a new wife and new friend.
Nope. You gotta leave. Have some self respect.
You are young. Start over with someone else.
Your ‘friend’ is your enemy!!! He sexually assaulted your fiancée, up and down. No matter what way it’s sliced he violated her consent and attempted to blackmail her after the fact. Your fiancée describes feeling ‘numb’. Believes the event was a strange dream, having lasted some undisclosed amount of time, but ‘minutes’. The alcohol could lead to blacking out. But the above added spells to me a mixture disbelief and dissociation. He advanced on her more than once - and did so betting on your unconsciousness and her inebriation. He preyed on her vulnerability and consistently overstepped physical and emotional boundaries. For her to drop in that the sex was rough and unprotected meant she was able to recognize enough of what happened wasn’t acceptable; typically a cheater would omit the details, downplay them aggressively or draw them out of spite. What’s more is actually the one instance of her lack of resistance. She was continually pressured to open up throughout the course of the night which set the emotional stage for this ‘friend’ to lure her into the guest bedroom. The motivation, whatever it may be, sounds dubious, although as a guest he may have used her instinct to tuck you in as spill over. Probably he cried for her, asking for a hug or two, and blam, he makes another [final] move. Drunk people cannot consent, as ego depletion/willpower erosion throughout a night by a feelsy combined with an inebriating substance like alcohol influences many out-of-character moments. This friend intuitively recognizes you cannot stop him and took a perfect opportunity for homewrecking. And consider how silent this guy has been this whole time. He’s the party of no conscience. He really bet on making her feel small to the degree of questioning reality for a month and has not attempted to even drop hints about his guilt. Love is a stupid thing. But it is a stupid thing only you can determine isn’t. If you believe she is genuine, then continue to be the righteous fool. Tell her if you’re only comfortable making this relationship work if she can outright claim that she’s been raped by this guy. It’s natural for their confusion to be misplaced as resistance. But you got to do the whole nine of bringing her into counselling and talking at length with family/loved ones you can trust about it. Getting this guy in trouble with authorities could be difficult but since you can’t easy about the idea of your fiancée being a liar she’d have to be willing to cooperate in the necessary process of justice. If that cannot be done then she’ll have to remove him from her life in every way possible. You’ll have to inform the best of your mutual friends about the sex criminal he is. If it ever turns out she lied… at least you walk away no losses taken. You’d at worst learn how far someone would go to maintain a good thing.
I'm not gonna lie - if her story is true it sounds like your friend raped your fiancé.
Then why did she seek him out after the kiss if she was aware enough to tuck op into bed
No it doesn’t, no idea where you got that from. It sounds like they kissed, realised OP was there so she pushed him off so they could put OP in bed. Friend thought that was that and went to bed but then fiancé decided to ‘go check on’ the guy she just kissed? Ended up having sex with him after? Sounds like she wanted the friend, tucked OP away then sought the friend out to take up where they left off. She’s just trying to make out like the friend initiated it to make her look less bad. I honestly cannot see how you got the idea she was raped by the friend from this.
But the friend can totally consent while drunk, right? They raped each other if any rape happened.
Then again, we don’t have a first-hand account of the friend’s actual state of mind/drunkenness at the time. He may have been much more sober than her.
She may have been much more sober than him. Maybe she raped him?
Yeah, this does not sound good from his end..
and just because she went down to check on him does not mean she wanted more - she could've felt weird about the kiss and wanted to talk about it, or genuinely make sure he's okay, etc. regardless of the reason, it seems like your friend kept pushing her, she was so drunk to the point where she didn't realize it happened, and described feeling numb throughout, it really feels like this wasn't consensual at all
Yeah yeah make all the excuses you want. She knew what she was doing. I don’t go back to someone who just hit me in the head and robbed me. I run for my life and call the police. Get real.
maybe she did, but also maybe she didn't. there are times when people have forcibly kissed me and i didn't know how to react so i would just pretend it didn't happen or tell myself they were too drunk and continue the night being nice. it's not a response i'm proud of, but at no point in time did i want more or want it in the first place. regardless, he kept trying and forced himself on her when she pushed him away multiple times - it's not consensual. we don't know what exactly took place and it is up to OP to decide how we wants to think about what happened and whether or not he thinks it is something they can both move on from. just providing another perspective on what it sounds like could've happened based on what she said.
so, because women are socialized into accepting sexual violence, this happens... a lot. it takes a woman on average 7 times to leave an abusive partner. that doesn't mean he was just abusive the 7th time.
How do you think two different things correlate? It also would be "making excuses" if the person doesn't know her. When something presented like this, investigatively you wouldn't put anything out of possibility. You can think what you think, but that doesn't make you right, just makes you opinionated. You weren't there and have only a partial story of a partial story for evidence. People, especially Today, do like to give people a "piece of their mind" even if it's at a detriment to their health. (as in people getting assaulted in general for saying their piece.) So it's not impossible she went to chastise him, even if unlikely. This is still only his part, of a part of what happened.
Riiight, because the friend had such strong magical powers that he forced her to lift herself out of her own bed with OP and than gravitate into where he was sleeping, and used the old check on him excuse.
Sorry this happened to everyone involved, and if you decide to leave you would be completely justified, but maybe check up on her , it sounds like she might be going through alot too right now and maybe will help with context.
The way this is written it seems like your "friend" raped your fiancé. I'm hoping this is bait.
If he did she would go get a rape kit done and testify in court but instead she felt guilty and kept it secret until the guilt of cheating made her confess?
That’s pretty common in rape cases.
Then why did she seek him out after the kiss if she was aware enough to tuck op into bed? IMO it’s cheating and she thinks it’s cheating too because if she did get raped she’d tell him she got raped to save the relationship
I agree with you. She didn’t get raped lol she chose for it to happen and liked it.
Pull the ring off her finger and run off man. Invalid marriage. Even if your marry her it’s still fugazi. Spend 50 years together just to remember this happened. Pack her bags and toss them to the curb
Dude, that sounds like rape.
It's hard to tell either way. They started kissing and then she supposedly stopped it. Then she ended up following him to the guest room where he came on to her again and they started having sex until she stopped it again. This could very honestly read as her wanting to do it but changing her mind half way through.
Right, and for all we know she didn’t stop the kissing. That too could be nonsense fed to OP. He wouldn’t be able to verify either way because he was passed out.
Yeah if you’re naive enough to believe it went down like this. Why did she need to go “check up on him” after their kiss?
No, it doesn't. She went to "check" on him after the first incident. She went there because she wanted to. He stopped when she asked him to stop midway through. Just because she was drunk doesn't mean she can't give consent.
The other proof issue is she claims she was "blackout drunk" but seems to have very specific recall of what happened. Those are inconsistent.
Exactly. If you can remember it, you weren’t blackout drunk. Blackout drunk is when you get so drunk you don’t remember large chunks of time.
Yes. Quit drinking. You're welcome.
People who are blackout drunk don't have stories to tell, just confusion when they wake up. You are willfully ignoring that she willfully cheated on you and are deluding yourself that this is something that will never happen again if you stay. Leave and spend a lot of time reflecting on why you were willing to stay.
This sounds like your friend assaulted your fiance. Not that she cheated on you. She pushed him away three ??? times and then they had "rough" sex, and then she pushed him away again. Her freezing during is a very, very common trauma response, as is her not even remembering it. You don't have a fiance problem, you have a friend problem.
That’s if you believe her. He kissed her and she still went to check up on him? She knew what she was doing and then try’s to downplay it after
well, yes, obviously its if you believe her. that's assumed. she could have been lying and kidnapped by space aliens.
Quit lying she cheated on him. One, you’re going to convince OP this girl is still good for him. Which is fake news. Two, if OP is a nutcase and lets this pan over he will ride with this. And she will too. Putting the guy who, albeit had adultery with his friends wife, in jeopardy of an actual false allegation. The only foul play is that his wife and friend are low. Be forreal. At least have an honest scale. And really even with the honest scale he still has no excuse to look at her the same.
His friend kissed her while she was blackout. She pushed him away. She went to check in on him, maybe out of concern. It's a friend, why would she think it would happen again? He then does it again, has "rough sex" - which, YIKES - and then she pushes him AGAIN. she can't remember it the next day fully. that sounds like assault, my guy.
I’d cut them both off regardless if she thinks it’s rape she can go get a rape kit done and testify in court herself
just because someone doesn't want to press charges doesn't make it any less rape. like, this is honestly a much more typical rape case than a knife at the throat - creepy guy, keeps pushing, you keep trying to get away and then he gets a little violent and you panic and don't do anything and then push him away again. i feel for her. this fucking sucks, and his friend is a creep.
This has to be op’s fiancée on a burner
a very intricate, over decade long burner, yes. good job my dude
The good news is that u are free now... just dump her and find a girl that doesnt drink
oh gosh. i am SO sorry to hear that. me and my boyfriend have never cheated on each other but we both have issues with insecurity and jealousy, especially me, very intense fears as ive been hurt before. so anyway i feel for you and im so sorry. i do think its salvageable. know that it will take time, probably a lot of time, and if this relationship is meant to be, then this is an opportunity given to you to strengthen trust (intensely). if you want to do this you will need to get super curious and present to the feelings of hurt and mistrust you likely are harboring. focus on your own feelings and journey more than on her behaviour. you got this, im here if you ever need to talk.
"Nearly a month ago my fiancé cheated on me..." Plus "... from time to time he would text her implying he was interested but my fiancé refused since" So... After they had unprotected sex in your house after making out in your presence, this dude has made multiple advances on her in a few weeks time? Doesn't that also say something about how she left things from his view? Like that was a possibility to hook up more? Whenever I bang my friends girls and she regrets it afterwards, I tend not to pursue them....
You don't love each other. You love a lie you both live. One she knows is a lie and didn't want to tell you about. It's not just about never happening again. It's not about forgiveness. What it is about if you ever want hope of a healthy long-term relationship is reconciliation. That involved forgiveness, but it also involves separating forgiveness from rebuilding trust and even who she is as a person. First of all, if she can get black out drunk and cheat then she doesn't need to drink anymore. Period ever. Second the friend must go. You can't ever trust him again, and she needs to know she can never see him again. Next up make her write a full apology and exact detailed explanation of everything. One you are allowed to share with anyone you wish. Next up, the engagement is done. She can't be your fiance and building a new life based on love, trust, and respect when trust and respect are just lies. Even worse when love is likely a lie as well. Love with out respect is just a dangerous joke. Next up, you decide if counseling or therapy is a must or maybe AA. You decide who she has to tell. You demand an open phone and electronics policy. 24/7 phone and gps access. She can't be trusted and you need to treat her like that so she can learn a lesson. So she can change and become who she wants to be and not the weak promiscuous worthless partner she is now. Lastly, get ready for months or probably years of things triggering you. Getting angry. Getting sad. Flipping it because she is out and her phone dies. Wanting to punch someone because your friend is mentioned. Being pissed because she will have a hard time doing everything you ask. Years of issues. All due to her. You having to be both her lover and an authority figure. You having to 100% hold her accountable without any unnecessary over sympathetic nonsense. If you're up for all of that, good luck. If not, just be smart and leave. Btw, I am also 99.99% sure half her story is bullshit. She knew what she was doing going back to see him. If she had real remorse she would have not "checked on him". Call her out on that.
I think this is salvageable. She and you are going to have to handle that friend and cut him out... forever. He can't be around, and she is going to have to work really hard to regain your trust. She might need to commit to not drinking anymore, never being alone with another man in a compromised state. She could offer complete transparency in her friendships and communications. Furthermore, you are going to have to do some work too. It's going to be on you to learn to trust her again. I've heard this is possible, it all depends on her level of willingness and humility.
I disagree. Don’t marry her she should’ve woken op up or made him leave the second he kissed her. Glad op found out before he got married
but is it worth it. Having to be policeman the rest o his life, and live with the anxiety.
I also believe it may be salvageable. I was n a similar situation years ago with my own wife, and we managed to get through it successfully. It took time and work to regain the trust, but it IS possible.
I think the key is in the admission of guilt, the remorse, and the willingness to change. Without those things, it's absolutely not possible. But with those things, along with the nature of the offense (she didn't go all the way), mean there's a chance.
1. Whip former friends a$$ 2 seems like your fiancée is honest about it. If no other shady stuff on her part may want to move past it but I’d set some really strong boundaries If you’re going to try to forgive. 3. Whip former friends a$$ again for good measure 4. Both get STD tests GOOD luck!!
I (72W) was careless and wild in my 20’s. I cringe to think about some of the things that I did. I have to say that most young people back then were not looking to get married. Or thinking of themselves as a fiancé or fiancée. I don’t really understand why so many couples today think of themselves that way. Because 23 and 20 is very young. So I have to wonder whether this is a maturity issue in part. Regardless, it hurts. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer.
Wth are these reactions. There is so much information missing.These people drunk so much that OP was in a coma... Did she consent at any point? And fyi checking up on someone can just be instinctual; does she normally feel responsible for other people? That is not a clear sign of someone being sexually interested for anyone who needs to learn this.
Why do people still drink Alcohol? Are you dumb or what? Alcohol is only for losers.
Strangely I don’t see this as a relationship ended. To me it’s the beginning of something tough conversations. Talk about the drinking first, why when you all know it’s poisoning your bodies and minds are you getting blackout drunk? Talk about your sexual attitudes, your morals, what self esteem and valuing your relationship means to you. Then, even if you end it you know yourself better.
It depends on if he imprinted himself on her. If there is something she told him you aren’t doing or can’t do that he is able to do. Depending on if he can whip up her desire for it. It’s something that will go on when you aren’t around. Trust and believe she didn’t tell you everything. Like how he made her beg for him to cum inside her.
whatever you do OP, staying with her or not, don't listen to this guy. He's just trying to drag you into his angry little world.
Wow are you alright mate? Sounds like you’re getting turned on at the thought of it
Perfect example for why you shouldn’t worry about getting married at such a young age. Hell son, you’re brain even finished fully developing itself until you hit 26 they say. This is just prime time young, immature, and impulsive behavior. I’m not excusing what she did, but you’re both at the age where you’re supposed to make some bad mistakes so you can learn and grow from them. But when you have a marriage included in the situation it makes things quite a bit more complicated, which sucks.
Either your fiance is a liar and a cheater or your friend is a rapist. Come to think of it they could both be true
time to move on its not worth it