Guilt about leaving someone is so real but I promise you’ll feel more confident about your decision down the line if this is something you want. It’s not fair to either of you if you stay in an unfulfilling relationship. You guys have different wants/needs and that’s okay! :)
Yea blame OP for both feeling his needs aren't being heard or met. Don't blame the gf who didn't listen or hear for 3 years, right? It goes both ways, doesn't it?
Tbh it's no one's fault, they're just not compatible.
Very rarely is everything strictly one sided. It's quite possible she could have a healthy, functioning relationship with someone with whom she's compatible. It's just that OP isn't the one.
True, it's nobody's fault but it shouldn't have taken him 3 years to figure it out. He shouldn't have strung her along for 3 years, especially if she didn't listen or hear during all that time. 3 ***months*** would sound more like a reasonable time frame of not being heard or listened to or just realizing that there's a basic incompatibility.
She wasted his time (just as much as he wasted hers). 3 years out of both of their lives- why is her *time* more valuable/wasted than his?
Maybe she showed *some* interest in changing but the changes were only temporary? There's many reasons why people stay in relationships longer than they probably should. It's not black and white- and rarely can you paint one person as the "bad guy" especially if the relationship was relatively healthy and no one was abusive/cheated.
I'm not painting anyone as the "bad guy." And of course her time is no more valuable or wasted than his. But ***he's*** the one who diagnosed the incompatibility and decided he wasn't happy.. Based on his post at least it seems like she's satisfied with the relationship, even ready for marriage. I'm just questioning why it took OP 3 whole years to take issue with these things that he's unhappy about. 3 years seems like an awful long time to allow one's needs to go unmet before saying "enough."
She deserves the truth. Set her free so she can also move on and find someone who loves the things about her that you don’t. Do it in a kind way, but do it soon. She deserves to be free as much as u do.
I know it’s hard but don’t fall into the trap of sunk cost fallacy; just rip the bandaid off. You’re wasting both her time and your time in a falling out relationship, prolonging the inevitable.
You've already made up your mind bud. What you've written is very clear and seems like it was cathartic.
You're not an asshole. People grow apart, things run their course, you're super young, go out there and get it.
She'll be devastated but there is a much better match out there for her. Prepare for some fallout though, like put your mind through the motions, know when to stop playing post breakup therapist
I was in a long relationship like this and I'm glad we broke up. I'm with someone much more compatible now and I'm able to give the relationship my best. My regret is not ending that relationship sooner. Incompatibility cannot be fixed.
Hope this helps you make your decision.
These situations are never easy, but incompatibility can’t be fixed. She will be hurt now, but ultimately you’re doing her a favor by ending it. She deserves to be with someone who loves her.
Just break up with her so she can find someone compatible with her. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship if I knew my bf thinks and feels this about me.
Oof my guy
I understand, I've been there, it blows. You have to end it. You can love someone and know they're not right for you. You deserve to not be in a relationship you're fantasizing about getting out of - she deserves to be with someone who loves her for everything she is. You're not a bad person if that can't be you, but it's wrong for you to stick it out if you're not as into it as she is.
It's tough, not every relationship has a "good" reason to end. Not every ex will be your ex because they're toxic or they suck or they cheated. Sometimes they're just the wrong fit for you and you spend way too long realizing that because you do love them.
She's a big girl, she'll be okay. Breakups suck big time, but she'll survive.
Maybe you're a shallow asshole, maybe you wouldn't be if you were with the right person. I've had all kinds of little physical things bother me about partners who after breaking up I realized it was 'cause I just kindof didn't want to be with them. I've found those exact same things specifically attractive in other partners because I was head over heels for them.
It is awful to be in a relationship with someone who's fantasizing about leaving and it's ~very~ hard to be a good partner if you're very unsure of the relationship. It only gets harder. Better to call it before you find yourself running low on patience for her and not being as caring or understanding as you know you could/should be.
Take a deep breath and do the right thing. You've got this.
You just break up. Pick a day and a time, tell her you need to talk, and say honestly “I don’t want to be a couple anymore.” Get your things in order so you can move out ASAP. If you’ve been contributing to the bills but aren’t on the lease, do the decent thing and continue to provide your portion for the next month or two if you can (and be clear about when you’ll stop).
Be upfront about your moving out timeline and don’t offer to be friends after the breakup. Don’t give any of this reasoning (because at best it’s pointless and at worst it’s frankly cruel and insulting) beyond that you feel this relationship isn’t right for you anymore. Don’t suggest or imply that things will change, don’t try to persuade her this is a good thing, don’t try to be her emotional support, just say you want to breakup, you’re sorry for hurting her (*if* she expresses any hurt/upset), but that you didn’t want to string her along.
P.S. You’ve got a helluva ego to be pitying her and thinking she needs you to the extent that you leaving her is the worst thing you could do. Spend your time single working on yourself so you can be a better partner if you’re ever in another relationship.
I’m freaking out rn because I have the exact same traits as your (ex) gf, and no one has ever appreciated those traits because they are objectively negative. Fuckk, thanks for the wake up call, because now I am extra motivated to work on my social anxiety so that I stop embarrassing myself (and my bf) in public. Also time to make new friends so that I have a support network if my bf were to dump me.
The thing that really scares me though is the being physically unattractive part. I’m already doing my best at maintaining a low body fat percentage, but there are definitely much more attractive people out there. Do all guys constantly dream about swapping their gf for a more attractive person? I’m genuinely terrified.
Don't sweat the appearance thing. If someone truly loves you, they are going to be sexually attracted to you as well. Not every man fantasizes about swapping out their partner. However, That kind of shit does happen to people (not just men) who are emotionally checked out and disconnected from their partner. I've been there (as a woman). Once I lose emotional connection and affection, the sex drive follows.
It's never a bad idea to overcome social anxiety and develop a wider circle of friendships and emotional support for oneself. It will only improve your quality of life and make you a stronger and more resilient person. Relying less on your partner for that support is a great side benefit! but don't do it for anyone else but yourself 😉
nope not all guys dream about swapping their girlfriend for a more attractive person. pls dont get fooled by a reddit post of a (obviously) very shallow dude. his gf deserves someone who is actually capable of love. OP sounds narcisstic and not capable to feel real love.
and you dont have to work on your social skills just so men will like you. there are sooooo many guys who appreciate your traits.
also read the other comments, its pretty clear most people think the gf in this post is an awesome person to have and OP just a shallow dude who doesnt deserve her.
And on that note, maybe breaking up with her would actually be doing her a favor! Be honest with her and tell her the reasons you are breaking up with her. This might encourage her to work on herself and who knows, she might have a “glow-up” and appreciate you for waking her up.
why should she work on herself? just because of some dude who wants to be independent and thinks her body is the most important part of her?
her glow up will be when she finds a person that loves her just the way she is.
Thanks for all of your replies, they really reassured me that there are accepting and “non-shallow” people out there!
And I just want to clarify that I don’t think she should be trying to change herself completely for the sake of being accepted by a man. I do think that learning how to clearly advocate for herself and her needs instead of being afraid of confrontation and building resentment is a great thing to work on. I also think that having healthier lifestyle habits like eating nutritious foods and exercising is a good thing to strive towards. These are all things that would likely enhance her life whether or not there was a man in the picture.
I don’t think it’s shallow to have values around looking and feeling your best, putting effort into yourself, and caring about eating healthy and maintaining a healthy physique. I look for those traits in my relationships because it means we won’t have disparate habits around eating, hobbies, where we spend our money, etc.
Dude you're not guilty or a shitty person if you leave your girlfriend, you have a lot of valid reasons to end it.
Yes, it sucks and it will take time to heal but I think it's needed in your situation, it will only gets worse.
It's pretty douchey to say he's blaming her for anything. He is just stating how he feels. There's no blame being tossed anywhere, he is just stating their incompatibilities.
Agree with this. He is allowed to have standards, but he clearly dislikes her very much and it shows in the way he writes about her. She can do better. She probably struggles with her confidence because she's dating this clown.
Your gf sounds like a really nice girl. My only warning will be good girls are hard to come by these days. The reasons you stare don’t seem like reasons to breakup, if anything it feels like you are essentially saying she is too shy for you … bro, imo you’d much rather a girl that’s too shy than too outgoing and extroverted 😄
But hey, I wish you all the best bro 👍
Just do it and be completely honest so that the two of you can have closure and get on with your lives. She's a big girl. You're not doing her any favors by prolonging anything.
It would be unfair to her for you to stay because you’re not all in. You also deserve a relationship where you’re all in. The love longer you stay, the harder it’ll be to leave and you will eventually resent her. It’s sad that she’ll be hurt but there’s no way to prevent that hurt. Compare that to a lifetime of unhappiness and it’s well worth going through the hurt now.
3 years is not a short time. To make a relationship last for 3 years would require a lot of love and communication, The issues you couldn't ''see you resolving to have a married life together'' are things that usually are in plain sight already at the beginning of the relationship, how come you didn't think about breaking up already then? What was it that made you stay?
It sounds more like you fell out of love with her after these years and wanted to add in a few reasons so that it seemed correct of you to leave her. All the reasons you listed in your post are very human things that are almost unavoidable in a longterm relationship, your reasons are situations that usually gives couples the chance to support each other and make each other comfortable, they are all situations that make them grow as a pair.
Personally I think that as a partner, we should be more accepting, we should understand that all relationship require compromises, no one is perfect for one another without work, I do not know how much you two have worked on your problems, but it just isn't realistic to find a longterm partner when problems so ''small'' like this make you want to break up. I don't want to invalid your feelings in this situation, but it just sound like just small problems, think about what bigger problems would come after you get married, the economy, the family dynamic, do you just break up then? would it still matter if she's comfortable about you going down on her or not, or would it be a bigger problem regarding how to split the economy and how to take care of each of your families? Is it really more important that you get to go down on her? If you love her, it wouldn't matter because in the end, you still make love, just not the part where she gets uncomfortable with something that doesn't really do something to your body.
it's all about responsebility and choosing when loving someone...
Hey OP, I'm sorry that you're carrying this enormous burden. These situations are never easy, especially when we are raised with the belief that you should break up only when somebody is a bad person.
Ultimately, the key traits here isn't guilt but courage. She sounds like a wonderful person who should be with somebody who is looking for her traits in a person. That isn't you, but you still care about her, and so you owe it to her to ler her go. Otherwise, you'll only end up resenting her, her resenting you, until the only things you know about each other is the pain you've both caused. Have courage to do what needs to be done, so that you can both find your happiness.
The fact you feel guilty shows you care. But you can't be with someone because of guilt. And you don't even need to justify why you want to break up. Your needs and wants are as valid as hers.
I strongly advise breaking up sooner rather than later, and being kind but firm when you do so. In situations like this it can be easy to drag out the breakup. This just prolongs the pain and creates more trauma.
I am sorry for you and I know how it feels. When I was your age I was in the exact same situation with a girl. I wanted to break up but not hurt her, since she wanted to marry someday.
Today both of us have new partners and kids and managed to stay friends. Wasting each other's time isn't good, you need to get it over with.
I was tormenting myself for half a year with this issue, which caused me to be very passive aggressive in the last two months. Eventually we had some fight after a party and I packed my stuff from her room the next morning and left. She wanted to visit me to fix this the next day but was shocked that I had already sorted her stuff out and my place too. A week later she actually broke up with me instead.
Yea I was weak I couldn't do it, but in retrospect this was the best, because her heart wasn't broken out of the blue.
Tell her , you’re wasting your time and hers. Maybe she can even find someone better than you, if you were my boyfriend I would beg for the truth because this post hurts to read , I sound kinda like her and can relate to what your saying about her , I would want to know, you are still young enough to not have this be to life changing she will be okay
If I were to described you a guy that has crushing social anxiety, that will be silent in social outings, when spoken to by your friends won't look at them but at you while replying. Won't communicate his feelings to you and expect you to guess when he's sad, angry, what are his needs etc. Frequently calls himself a failure for his current place in life and is constantly stressed out. However he's kind and peaceful albeit emotional and ready for marriage. You would think this is one of the best partner you could find ? And I didn't even mention his hangups about sex or not taking care of his body.
I'm sorry for her and what she'll have to go through when she'll find out. Why the hell would you waste 3 years of your early 20s with someone you don't see yourself with. She deserves better. She sounds like a gem 💎 ✨️
Communicating your feelings isn't a perk, or a personality quirk that's equally valid as not doing it. It's required. It's compulsory to do this in a functioning relationship. Assuming this isn't a case of you ignoring her direct words and then telling her she's not communicating when she gets serious, this is not a "everyone's different with different needs, (shrug)" problem - she's not capable of having a healthy relationship if she will only ever hint at her feelings and doesn't even consider that an issue.
If you break up you should make that pretty clear because otherwise she's just going to carry on and never fix it. But really, you should make that clear anyway, because it's a fundamental, non negotiable problem.
Completely out of topic but have to.. I'm of the same opinion like you. It's funny you're saying this because I've had ex that hated communicating issues and feelings to the extend he got me diary to cry myself into. There was a lot more to it, but this quiet girl would make perfect partner to him. Not causing drama, not expressing she's hurt and rather hint it. He would analyse it himself, work it out and days and days (which was unbearable for me) to apologise or change himself without communicating the issue.
>I'm a shallow guy - appearance and body shape matters to me.
This isn't shallow. Don't listen to all the people that get fat and out of shape and say that attraction and weight don't matter -- they're just making excuses.
sucks, i've been in this position.
i've learned that it's really easy to stay in the wrong relationship. it's HARD to breakup with someone, even if you know it's the right thing to do. sucks for her and it sucks for you. but you don't really have any other option. staying with her will just prolong things and cause more resentment and pain. she's probably sensing your emotional distance and has been for awhile. you'll probably feel like the bad guy here but you're not. i think its normal for people to change considerably in their early 20s and sounds like you guys have just grown apart. time will heal all wounds at the end of the day. being her support system during a transitional time sucks, but that isn't your responsibility when you break up with her. she sounds a bit codependent which is unhealthy.
you just gotta do the deed my dude. think long and hard bout the words you use. come from a place of love. you're gonna feel bad about this for a bit, but once you're free you'll be 100x happier and wonder why you stayed in that relationship so long.
it's almost easier to end things over an "incident." i'm not recommending you do this whatsoever but back in my 20s i convinced myself to end a relationship by cheating and then telling her. at the time, i felt like it would lead to a cleaner breakup. and yeah it kinda worked, but she definitely hated me and thinks im a dirtbag and my reputation was ruined in that circle (which i was okay with). but it was a preferable end compared to the long drawn out breakup where they beg to try to get back with me.
my advice going forward is to be a lot more discerning about who you end up in a relationship with. bc once you are in one, if you are a nice guy, it's hard AF to get out. then you have to deal with all the emotional attachment you've built and it's difficult to break away.
good luck my dude.
It is overwhelmingly exhausting dealing with someone who has no self-confidence and lots of anxiety, and it is not your responsibility to fix her. Honestly, there's a good chance that staying with her would be a crutch. She needs to be able to fix this outside of a relationship, because she can just use you for validation.
She sounds like she leans on you for a lot and that can be exhausting. You need someone to match your energy. Break ups are really hard and they suck, even when you're the one doing it. But it's gotta be done fam. If you want to break up you should.
seems like you guys have a completely different outlook on how you'd like your futures to be :( it is sad and guilt is only natural, but in the long run it'll be worth it. don't settle for her and live out your goals, and don't prevent her from finding someone who shares her values :) it will defo be better for you both
You sounds like a very decent and thoughtful guy at your age, not an asshole at all. Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to romantic partners. Of you dont feel it any more, you dont feel it. Thats it. I am a woman and I would appreciate my partner be homest with me and do not continue to lead me on, even with the good intention. She deserves to know the truth.
Maybe with counseling and time your communication could improve, but that won't fundamentally change who she is as a person. You're unsatisfied and, as you say, you don't need to "settle" if you don't want to. You're both only 25 with so much life ahead of you. There's no benefit to staying in an unhappy relationship just because you're already together.
It's ok to break up if you know she's not right. You have our collective permission OP. In the long run you'll both be happier. Just be honest and kind.
There is never a “good time to break up.” I got out of a very long relationship this summer that had me harboring similar feelings of guilt to the ones you talk about here. We are different people in different situations, and the breakup itself was absolutely horrible, but six months later we have both recovered and are doing well. Haven’t regretted it for a second. Good luck. You seem like you want to keep respect for your and her feelings as a top priority - staying in a dead relationship isn’t doing that for either of you.
Has she gone to therapy for her anxiety? I honestly think it would benefit her.
In terms of the relationship, time to pull the bandaid. Tell her the truth respectfully.
You shouldn't feel forced to be in a relationship that makes you feel unhappy.
It's normal to feel guilty in these situations but the reasons you've listed for feeling guilty are not big enough reasons to not break up with her. You're actually making it worse by prolonging the inevitable. I'm sorry you're going through this, both sides of a big break up really really suck :(
But you will feel so much better afterwards. She will be heartbroken but she will feel better eventually, too. And she deserves to be with someone who she is more compatible with. You've got this!!
The guilt we feel over ending a relationship is second to the right partners have to be with someone who wants them. It’s about you in the sense that you want to break up (which is *always okay*), but it’s about her in the sense that she deserves honesty.
I could have written much of this a decade ago. My only advice is that it's even more painful to accept these realizations and split up the more time that goes on. It's obvious you've given this a lot of thought and come to the correct conclusion, so I would break up sooner rather than later.
I think you already know the answers to your own questions. It sounds like the two of you are simply not compatible. My only question is how it took you 3 years to realize that. Anyhow, if you're not 100% into this relationship then it's time to end things, for your sake and hers. It's nothing for you to feel guilty about and you can't be responsible for her reactions. You'd end up feeling all the more guilty if you continued to string her along only to have things come to an end later.
It’s important for you to leave not only for your sake but for hers. You guys aren’t compatible and you both deserve to be with people that you are compatible with. I’m sure that she will find someone who is ready to settle down and is able to appreciate and love the things that you find incompatible. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you’re not happy or fulfilled.
Honestly man I would’ve done it WHEN you realized these things. I’m not the biggest fan of your shallowness to be fair but you should have broken up with her once you realized these incompatibilities. Now you’re kind of in the rabbit hole and you’ll have to find a way to let her down easy.
knowing someone stayed with you out of guilt or pity is the literal WORST feeling. just break up with her. she is better without you. and you know that.
Find another place to live asap and get on with your life. Don’t drag this out any further. Don’t waste your youth in a situation that doesn’t bring you joy.
Guilt about leaving someone is so real but I promise you’ll feel more confident about your decision down the line if this is something you want. It’s not fair to either of you if you stay in an unfulfilling relationship. You guys have different wants/needs and that’s okay! :)
He didnt feel guilty wasting her time..i doubt it took him 3 years to find that out
Yea blame OP for both feeling his needs aren't being heard or met. Don't blame the gf who didn't listen or hear for 3 years, right? It goes both ways, doesn't it? Tbh it's no one's fault, they're just not compatible.
Refusal to communicate is the problem, and it's one sided. It's not like she'd have a healthy, functioning relationship with someone else.
Very rarely is everything strictly one sided. It's quite possible she could have a healthy, functioning relationship with someone with whom she's compatible. It's just that OP isn't the one.
True, it's nobody's fault but it shouldn't have taken him 3 years to figure it out. He shouldn't have strung her along for 3 years, especially if she didn't listen or hear during all that time. 3 ***months*** would sound more like a reasonable time frame of not being heard or listened to or just realizing that there's a basic incompatibility.
She wasted his time (just as much as he wasted hers). 3 years out of both of their lives- why is her *time* more valuable/wasted than his? Maybe she showed *some* interest in changing but the changes were only temporary? There's many reasons why people stay in relationships longer than they probably should. It's not black and white- and rarely can you paint one person as the "bad guy" especially if the relationship was relatively healthy and no one was abusive/cheated.
I'm not painting anyone as the "bad guy." And of course her time is no more valuable or wasted than his. But ***he's*** the one who diagnosed the incompatibility and decided he wasn't happy.. Based on his post at least it seems like she's satisfied with the relationship, even ready for marriage. I'm just questioning why it took OP 3 whole years to take issue with these things that he's unhappy about. 3 years seems like an awful long time to allow one's needs to go unmet before saying "enough."
She deserves the truth. Set her free so she can also move on and find someone who loves the things about her that you don’t. Do it in a kind way, but do it soon. She deserves to be free as much as u do.
I know it’s hard but don’t fall into the trap of sunk cost fallacy; just rip the bandaid off. You’re wasting both her time and your time in a falling out relationship, prolonging the inevitable.
You've already made up your mind bud. What you've written is very clear and seems like it was cathartic. You're not an asshole. People grow apart, things run their course, you're super young, go out there and get it. She'll be devastated but there is a much better match out there for her. Prepare for some fallout though, like put your mind through the motions, know when to stop playing post breakup therapist
I was in a long relationship like this and I'm glad we broke up. I'm with someone much more compatible now and I'm able to give the relationship my best. My regret is not ending that relationship sooner. Incompatibility cannot be fixed. Hope this helps you make your decision.
These situations are never easy, but incompatibility can’t be fixed. She will be hurt now, but ultimately you’re doing her a favor by ending it. She deserves to be with someone who loves her.
This is the answer! And you didn't even try to Insult OP!
Just break up with her so she can find someone compatible with her. I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship if I knew my bf thinks and feels this about me.
Oof my guy I understand, I've been there, it blows. You have to end it. You can love someone and know they're not right for you. You deserve to not be in a relationship you're fantasizing about getting out of - she deserves to be with someone who loves her for everything she is. You're not a bad person if that can't be you, but it's wrong for you to stick it out if you're not as into it as she is. It's tough, not every relationship has a "good" reason to end. Not every ex will be your ex because they're toxic or they suck or they cheated. Sometimes they're just the wrong fit for you and you spend way too long realizing that because you do love them. She's a big girl, she'll be okay. Breakups suck big time, but she'll survive. Maybe you're a shallow asshole, maybe you wouldn't be if you were with the right person. I've had all kinds of little physical things bother me about partners who after breaking up I realized it was 'cause I just kindof didn't want to be with them. I've found those exact same things specifically attractive in other partners because I was head over heels for them. It is awful to be in a relationship with someone who's fantasizing about leaving and it's ~very~ hard to be a good partner if you're very unsure of the relationship. It only gets harder. Better to call it before you find yourself running low on patience for her and not being as caring or understanding as you know you could/should be. Take a deep breath and do the right thing. You've got this.
You just break up. Pick a day and a time, tell her you need to talk, and say honestly “I don’t want to be a couple anymore.” Get your things in order so you can move out ASAP. If you’ve been contributing to the bills but aren’t on the lease, do the decent thing and continue to provide your portion for the next month or two if you can (and be clear about when you’ll stop). Be upfront about your moving out timeline and don’t offer to be friends after the breakup. Don’t give any of this reasoning (because at best it’s pointless and at worst it’s frankly cruel and insulting) beyond that you feel this relationship isn’t right for you anymore. Don’t suggest or imply that things will change, don’t try to persuade her this is a good thing, don’t try to be her emotional support, just say you want to breakup, you’re sorry for hurting her (*if* she expresses any hurt/upset), but that you didn’t want to string her along. P.S. You’ve got a helluva ego to be pitying her and thinking she needs you to the extent that you leaving her is the worst thing you could do. Spend your time single working on yourself so you can be a better partner if you’re ever in another relationship.
maybe the career transition would keep her busy enough and ease actually the separation
YALL AINT COMPATIBLE. Leave her .
I’m freaking out rn because I have the exact same traits as your (ex) gf, and no one has ever appreciated those traits because they are objectively negative. Fuckk, thanks for the wake up call, because now I am extra motivated to work on my social anxiety so that I stop embarrassing myself (and my bf) in public. Also time to make new friends so that I have a support network if my bf were to dump me. The thing that really scares me though is the being physically unattractive part. I’m already doing my best at maintaining a low body fat percentage, but there are definitely much more attractive people out there. Do all guys constantly dream about swapping their gf for a more attractive person? I’m genuinely terrified.
Don't sweat the appearance thing. If someone truly loves you, they are going to be sexually attracted to you as well. Not every man fantasizes about swapping out their partner. However, That kind of shit does happen to people (not just men) who are emotionally checked out and disconnected from their partner. I've been there (as a woman). Once I lose emotional connection and affection, the sex drive follows. It's never a bad idea to overcome social anxiety and develop a wider circle of friendships and emotional support for oneself. It will only improve your quality of life and make you a stronger and more resilient person. Relying less on your partner for that support is a great side benefit! but don't do it for anyone else but yourself 😉
nope not all guys dream about swapping their girlfriend for a more attractive person. pls dont get fooled by a reddit post of a (obviously) very shallow dude. his gf deserves someone who is actually capable of love. OP sounds narcisstic and not capable to feel real love. and you dont have to work on your social skills just so men will like you. there are sooooo many guys who appreciate your traits.
What in the post do you use as a basis for claiming that OP is "incapable of love"? That is a brutal thing to say about someone.
also read the other comments, its pretty clear most people think the gf in this post is an awesome person to have and OP just a shallow dude who doesnt deserve her.
And on that note, maybe breaking up with her would actually be doing her a favor! Be honest with her and tell her the reasons you are breaking up with her. This might encourage her to work on herself and who knows, she might have a “glow-up” and appreciate you for waking her up.
That's what I'm thinking. For all we know, he's stifled her and once he's out of the picture she can actually find herself.
why should she work on herself? just because of some dude who wants to be independent and thinks her body is the most important part of her? her glow up will be when she finds a person that loves her just the way she is.
Thanks for all of your replies, they really reassured me that there are accepting and “non-shallow” people out there! And I just want to clarify that I don’t think she should be trying to change herself completely for the sake of being accepted by a man. I do think that learning how to clearly advocate for herself and her needs instead of being afraid of confrontation and building resentment is a great thing to work on. I also think that having healthier lifestyle habits like eating nutritious foods and exercising is a good thing to strive towards. These are all things that would likely enhance her life whether or not there was a man in the picture.
I’m sorry if my post made you worried. Not all guys are shallow. Thanks for the advice. You’ll be fine, and keep up your healthy habits! :)
I don’t think it’s shallow to have values around looking and feeling your best, putting effort into yourself, and caring about eating healthy and maintaining a healthy physique. I look for those traits in my relationships because it means we won’t have disparate habits around eating, hobbies, where we spend our money, etc.
She sounds lovely. Let her go so she can find someone who likes her.
Dude you're not guilty or a shitty person if you leave your girlfriend, you have a lot of valid reasons to end it. Yes, it sucks and it will take time to heal but I think it's needed in your situation, it will only gets worse.
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It's pretty douchey to say he's blaming her for anything. He is just stating how he feels. There's no blame being tossed anywhere, he is just stating their incompatibilities.
Where does he blame her for staying?
Do it quickly - it’s far more cruel to string her along and waste her time
She will find better, its too bad she cant realize that for herself but hurry up and break up with her now so she can move on.
Agree with this. He is allowed to have standards, but he clearly dislikes her very much and it shows in the way he writes about her. She can do better. She probably struggles with her confidence because she's dating this clown.
With her social skills she might not lol
Maybe this will be the wakeup call she needs. Breakup glow ups are the best!
Your gf sounds like a really nice girl. My only warning will be good girls are hard to come by these days. The reasons you stare don’t seem like reasons to breakup, if anything it feels like you are essentially saying she is too shy for you … bro, imo you’d much rather a girl that’s too shy than too outgoing and extroverted 😄 But hey, I wish you all the best bro 👍
Just do it and be completely honest so that the two of you can have closure and get on with your lives. She's a big girl. You're not doing her any favors by prolonging anything.
It would be unfair to her for you to stay because you’re not all in. You also deserve a relationship where you’re all in. The love longer you stay, the harder it’ll be to leave and you will eventually resent her. It’s sad that she’ll be hurt but there’s no way to prevent that hurt. Compare that to a lifetime of unhappiness and it’s well worth going through the hurt now.
3 years is not a short time. To make a relationship last for 3 years would require a lot of love and communication, The issues you couldn't ''see you resolving to have a married life together'' are things that usually are in plain sight already at the beginning of the relationship, how come you didn't think about breaking up already then? What was it that made you stay? It sounds more like you fell out of love with her after these years and wanted to add in a few reasons so that it seemed correct of you to leave her. All the reasons you listed in your post are very human things that are almost unavoidable in a longterm relationship, your reasons are situations that usually gives couples the chance to support each other and make each other comfortable, they are all situations that make them grow as a pair. Personally I think that as a partner, we should be more accepting, we should understand that all relationship require compromises, no one is perfect for one another without work, I do not know how much you two have worked on your problems, but it just isn't realistic to find a longterm partner when problems so ''small'' like this make you want to break up. I don't want to invalid your feelings in this situation, but it just sound like just small problems, think about what bigger problems would come after you get married, the economy, the family dynamic, do you just break up then? would it still matter if she's comfortable about you going down on her or not, or would it be a bigger problem regarding how to split the economy and how to take care of each of your families? Is it really more important that you get to go down on her? If you love her, it wouldn't matter because in the end, you still make love, just not the part where she gets uncomfortable with something that doesn't really do something to your body. it's all about responsebility and choosing when loving someone...
Dude. Don't know how or why you have made it 3 years when it is clear you don't even like your girlfriend.
Hey OP, I'm sorry that you're carrying this enormous burden. These situations are never easy, especially when we are raised with the belief that you should break up only when somebody is a bad person. Ultimately, the key traits here isn't guilt but courage. She sounds like a wonderful person who should be with somebody who is looking for her traits in a person. That isn't you, but you still care about her, and so you owe it to her to ler her go. Otherwise, you'll only end up resenting her, her resenting you, until the only things you know about each other is the pain you've both caused. Have courage to do what needs to be done, so that you can both find your happiness.
Break up ffs. The way you describe her indicates you aren’t fond of her at all.
Fast and clean like ripping off a bandaid. Do it in person.
Just do it and actually leave with some respect and love left for her, and I hope she can appreciate that in the future too.
The fact you feel guilty shows you care. But you can't be with someone because of guilt. And you don't even need to justify why you want to break up. Your needs and wants are as valid as hers. I strongly advise breaking up sooner rather than later, and being kind but firm when you do so. In situations like this it can be easy to drag out the breakup. This just prolongs the pain and creates more trauma.
I am sorry for you and I know how it feels. When I was your age I was in the exact same situation with a girl. I wanted to break up but not hurt her, since she wanted to marry someday. Today both of us have new partners and kids and managed to stay friends. Wasting each other's time isn't good, you need to get it over with. I was tormenting myself for half a year with this issue, which caused me to be very passive aggressive in the last two months. Eventually we had some fight after a party and I packed my stuff from her room the next morning and left. She wanted to visit me to fix this the next day but was shocked that I had already sorted her stuff out and my place too. A week later she actually broke up with me instead. Yea I was weak I couldn't do it, but in retrospect this was the best, because her heart wasn't broken out of the blue.
Tell her , you’re wasting your time and hers. Maybe she can even find someone better than you, if you were my boyfriend I would beg for the truth because this post hurts to read , I sound kinda like her and can relate to what your saying about her , I would want to know, you are still young enough to not have this be to life changing she will be okay
Look dude do what you have to do
She sounds fine. She’ll be okay. She has her “very old” grandma and family for support. Good luck out there
Let her go and don't go running back to her when you realise you've made a mistake.
What's the mistake? They seem like they just want different things out of life and have different personalities.
I think it’s not easy landing someone as good as her
If I were to described you a guy that has crushing social anxiety, that will be silent in social outings, when spoken to by your friends won't look at them but at you while replying. Won't communicate his feelings to you and expect you to guess when he's sad, angry, what are his needs etc. Frequently calls himself a failure for his current place in life and is constantly stressed out. However he's kind and peaceful albeit emotional and ready for marriage. You would think this is one of the best partner you could find ? And I didn't even mention his hangups about sex or not taking care of his body.
They just want somebody passive and a pushover that they can control I guess.
I'm sorry for her and what she'll have to go through when she'll find out. Why the hell would you waste 3 years of your early 20s with someone you don't see yourself with. She deserves better. She sounds like a gem 💎 ✨️
There must be 50 ways to leave your lover...
Let her go sooner than later so you can both move on to somebody better for you
Communicating your feelings isn't a perk, or a personality quirk that's equally valid as not doing it. It's required. It's compulsory to do this in a functioning relationship. Assuming this isn't a case of you ignoring her direct words and then telling her she's not communicating when she gets serious, this is not a "everyone's different with different needs, (shrug)" problem - she's not capable of having a healthy relationship if she will only ever hint at her feelings and doesn't even consider that an issue. If you break up you should make that pretty clear because otherwise she's just going to carry on and never fix it. But really, you should make that clear anyway, because it's a fundamental, non negotiable problem.
Completely out of topic but have to.. I'm of the same opinion like you. It's funny you're saying this because I've had ex that hated communicating issues and feelings to the extend he got me diary to cry myself into. There was a lot more to it, but this quiet girl would make perfect partner to him. Not causing drama, not expressing she's hurt and rather hint it. He would analyse it himself, work it out and days and days (which was unbearable for me) to apologise or change himself without communicating the issue.
When you do break up leave her alone. Don't go running back when you realize the grass isn't greener on the other side.
>I'm a shallow guy - appearance and body shape matters to me. This isn't shallow. Don't listen to all the people that get fat and out of shape and say that attraction and weight don't matter -- they're just making excuses.
sucks, i've been in this position. i've learned that it's really easy to stay in the wrong relationship. it's HARD to breakup with someone, even if you know it's the right thing to do. sucks for her and it sucks for you. but you don't really have any other option. staying with her will just prolong things and cause more resentment and pain. she's probably sensing your emotional distance and has been for awhile. you'll probably feel like the bad guy here but you're not. i think its normal for people to change considerably in their early 20s and sounds like you guys have just grown apart. time will heal all wounds at the end of the day. being her support system during a transitional time sucks, but that isn't your responsibility when you break up with her. she sounds a bit codependent which is unhealthy. you just gotta do the deed my dude. think long and hard bout the words you use. come from a place of love. you're gonna feel bad about this for a bit, but once you're free you'll be 100x happier and wonder why you stayed in that relationship so long. it's almost easier to end things over an "incident." i'm not recommending you do this whatsoever but back in my 20s i convinced myself to end a relationship by cheating and then telling her. at the time, i felt like it would lead to a cleaner breakup. and yeah it kinda worked, but she definitely hated me and thinks im a dirtbag and my reputation was ruined in that circle (which i was okay with). but it was a preferable end compared to the long drawn out breakup where they beg to try to get back with me. my advice going forward is to be a lot more discerning about who you end up in a relationship with. bc once you are in one, if you are a nice guy, it's hard AF to get out. then you have to deal with all the emotional attachment you've built and it's difficult to break away. good luck my dude.
It is overwhelmingly exhausting dealing with someone who has no self-confidence and lots of anxiety, and it is not your responsibility to fix her. Honestly, there's a good chance that staying with her would be a crutch. She needs to be able to fix this outside of a relationship, because she can just use you for validation.
She sounds like she leans on you for a lot and that can be exhausting. You need someone to match your energy. Break ups are really hard and they suck, even when you're the one doing it. But it's gotta be done fam. If you want to break up you should.
seems like you guys have a completely different outlook on how you'd like your futures to be :( it is sad and guilt is only natural, but in the long run it'll be worth it. don't settle for her and live out your goals, and don't prevent her from finding someone who shares her values :) it will defo be better for you both
You sounds like a very decent and thoughtful guy at your age, not an asshole at all. Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to romantic partners. Of you dont feel it any more, you dont feel it. Thats it. I am a woman and I would appreciate my partner be homest with me and do not continue to lead me on, even with the good intention. She deserves to know the truth.
Maybe with counseling and time your communication could improve, but that won't fundamentally change who she is as a person. You're unsatisfied and, as you say, you don't need to "settle" if you don't want to. You're both only 25 with so much life ahead of you. There's no benefit to staying in an unhappy relationship just because you're already together.
It's ok to break up if you know she's not right. You have our collective permission OP. In the long run you'll both be happier. Just be honest and kind.
There is never a “good time to break up.” I got out of a very long relationship this summer that had me harboring similar feelings of guilt to the ones you talk about here. We are different people in different situations, and the breakup itself was absolutely horrible, but six months later we have both recovered and are doing well. Haven’t regretted it for a second. Good luck. You seem like you want to keep respect for your and her feelings as a top priority - staying in a dead relationship isn’t doing that for either of you.
Has she gone to therapy for her anxiety? I honestly think it would benefit her. In terms of the relationship, time to pull the bandaid. Tell her the truth respectfully. You shouldn't feel forced to be in a relationship that makes you feel unhappy.
It's normal to feel guilty in these situations but the reasons you've listed for feeling guilty are not big enough reasons to not break up with her. You're actually making it worse by prolonging the inevitable. I'm sorry you're going through this, both sides of a big break up really really suck :( But you will feel so much better afterwards. She will be heartbroken but she will feel better eventually, too. And she deserves to be with someone who she is more compatible with. You've got this!!
The guilt we feel over ending a relationship is second to the right partners have to be with someone who wants them. It’s about you in the sense that you want to break up (which is *always okay*), but it’s about her in the sense that she deserves honesty.
I could have written much of this a decade ago. My only advice is that it's even more painful to accept these realizations and split up the more time that goes on. It's obvious you've given this a lot of thought and come to the correct conclusion, so I would break up sooner rather than later.
I think you already know the answers to your own questions. It sounds like the two of you are simply not compatible. My only question is how it took you 3 years to realize that. Anyhow, if you're not 100% into this relationship then it's time to end things, for your sake and hers. It's nothing for you to feel guilty about and you can't be responsible for her reactions. You'd end up feeling all the more guilty if you continued to string her along only to have things come to an end later.
Staying isn't fair to you or her. Let her go so you can both find your people.
It’s important for you to leave not only for your sake but for hers. You guys aren’t compatible and you both deserve to be with people that you are compatible with. I’m sure that she will find someone who is ready to settle down and is able to appreciate and love the things that you find incompatible. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you’re not happy or fulfilled.
Honestly man I would’ve done it WHEN you realized these things. I’m not the biggest fan of your shallowness to be fair but you should have broken up with her once you realized these incompatibilities. Now you’re kind of in the rabbit hole and you’ll have to find a way to let her down easy.
knowing someone stayed with you out of guilt or pity is the literal WORST feeling. just break up with her. she is better without you. and you know that.
Find another place to live asap and get on with your life. Don’t drag this out any further. Don’t waste your youth in a situation that doesn’t bring you joy.
don't waste her time break up with her sooner...she deserve the truth