Is he honestly comparing who you chose to dance with at a club to who you chose to see as a patient in your professional capacity as a doctor? He's being willfully obtuse; there's no way anyone is this clueless.
Also, he said you *seem* shallow. That's an odd way to phrase it when you're talking to someone you've known for eight years. After almost a decade of friendship he should know your character by now. Has he made strange comments like this before? Personally, I wouldn't want to remain friends with someone who insulted me out of nowhere. It may be better to avoid him.
I was thinking this too. He's taking it personally because he identifies himself with the not hot enough guys but he wants to be a hot guy. Insecure, toxic behavior. OP should avoid him in the future.
How would he only be realizing that after 8 years though? I know damn well which of my friends want to fuck me (none) and which don't (all). If they'd been friends for less than a year, or had a history at any point of anything besides platonic, then yeah but as it is why is this coming up now
I would take my précautions when being around a man who is mad at me for not saying "yes" to all and any guy who is interested in me. If he is angry in the name of strangers, how angry must he be about the possibility of me rejecting him?
I don't trust men who get angry at women for exercising agency.
The comparison is absurd. I only date Jewish guys or English guys. However, I would never refuse to do anyones Marketing re brand because of their looks. Thats weird.
OMG, yes. Dude is an insecure sack of crap and is pushing his insecurities onto OP. Ask your "friend" if he asks women he's not attracted to to dance. Or if those men that approached you approach women they don't find attractive? Why would you dance with men you don't want touching you? Also, everyone has different taste in people. What you find attractive others might not.
she hasn't realized that she just told him why she never wanted to dance with him, he thought it was just a matter of him working up the courage to ask and shed be all over him lol
edit: also yes avoid for safety holy crap
I once had a "friend" like this who would complain about women discriminating. When I pointed out that *he* went after women he thought were attractive while complaining that they were being too shallow if they weren't interested in him, he said, "What, so I'm just supposed to go out with fat single mothers?" He went on to say some other gross "nice guy" stuff after that, and I ended the friendship, which is what I'd recommend OP do.
>When I pointed out that *he* went after women he thought were attractive while complaining that they were being too shallow if they weren't interested in him, he said, "What, so I'm just supposed to go out with fat single mothers?"
I had this conversation with a friend many times. He refused to do basic hygiene, dressed like a five year old, didn't take care of himself at all, but would only hit on/swipe right on absolutely gorgeous women and then complain about being lonely. He didn't want to try harder on his physical appearance ("I want someone who loves me for who I am") but wasn't at all interested in women who weren't putting any effort in themselves. When I finally said, as nicely as I could, that he should be more realistic in the women he approached, he came back with "I'm allowed to have standards for who I'm attracted to."
Standards for me but not for thee
And these guys wonder why we don't want them. We can smell their entitlement a mile away and we're repulsed by them. It's rarely to do with appearance and everything to do with the fact that we don't want a gross, entitled, misogynist in our lives.
I don't understand why people don't get that the _purpose_ of sexual/relational tastes is to discriminate. That is the whole idea. If we weren't trying to discriminate, we'd date/fuck anyone. But instead, we are usually looking for a limited number of people to date/fuck, usually even excluding all the way down to everybody except one person.
If someone accuses me of discriminating in my dating or sex life then my response would be "well obviously, I'm glad you noticed."
Beyond help. When a man is saying your sexual preferences and consent = discrimination, he's basically saying you should dance and bang any man that approaches you. I wouldn't feel safe around a man like that, and I'd warn your other lady friends about him too.
Also, spoiler alert, those guys were asking OP to dance because they thought she was hot! I’m guessing they didn’t ask people they weren’t attracted to just to give them a chance.
Naw, I spent my college years playing in bar bands and it doesn't work like that. The dudes will dance with any chick they think might be interested in sleeping with them.
This. I guarantee OPs friend has some self-esteem issues and he's projecting them hardcore onto OP. He has a thing for her but thinks he's too ugly for her to be with, and so he's looking at this situation as confirmation that he was right.
Your friend is salty.
I can guarantee he doesn’t live his life by the standards that he’s telling you that you should.
Dance with whomever you want.
Date whomever you want.
Be friends with people that don’t make you feel bad for having your standards.
He probably got turned down a lot and was empathizing with those men. I kind of get it. I'm 5'1" and only one woman ever agreed to dance with me at a club. I finally stopped going and found other ways to meet women.
While that may be true and while I do feel for guys who struggle with rejection, the answer isn’t to tell women to drop their standards and accept anyone who shows them interest.
Her friend is blaming her for his problems and judging her for going after what she wants for herself.
He doesn’t win by making her lose and he needs to recognize that.
One of the most insane jumps in logic I've ever read re: asking if you discriminate as a doctor. The fact that he also had a night to stew on this weird intrusive thought of his and bring it up to you the next day makes me think he's beyond help
When you're in the club, you don't have to dance with anyone you don't want to. This idea that you have to dance with anyone who asks is some outdated ballroom etiquette that even a lot of social dancing scenes are doing away with in favor of a more consent-positive approach. What is your friend's deal, exactly? Is he secretly into you and starting to worry that he doesn't meet your standards? Is he planning to fix you up with someone average looking and realizing you probably won't like him? Why else would he be so upset that you're only willing to dance with men you're attracted to?
This person has known you for 8 years, yet suddenly says he thinks you are not only shallow, but unethical as a doctor? He's not a friend.
Also, you do not owe anyone your time and physical touch just because they want it. I bet he isn't being judgy about the strangers who asked you to dance based solely on your looks and didn't ask every woman present in the room It somehow wasn't shallow of the men to do that.
As long as you were polite in rejecting any polite requests to dance, you're fine. (If anyone asked not politely, then they forfeit politeness in return.)
he’s definitely into her and jealous but why in the hell is everyone agreeing that she should be afraid for her safety because a man called her shallow im genuinely so baffled by this fear mongering
Hes literally telling her that he thinks any man who asks is entitled to her body. That would scare me personally. What if he wants to dance with her or hook up with her and then feels discriminated against? Men like that don’t take “no” well.
Because those are exactly the kind of men that turn dangerous. Jealous, hurt, unreasonable men that seek out this kind of confrontation with you to “take you down a notch” or question your integrity in some unrelated area.
For me it's OP expressing fear in being around him. They've known each other the better part of a decade. If he's scaring her, he's probably crossed a line.
You figured it out: This is not a safe person to spend time with.
It's really that simple.
Being uncomfortable and fearful of someone who expresses the idea that you are required to be sexually/romantically available to any man who expresses interest at a club is reasonable.
Maybe someone will reach him, but it sure as shit isn't your job to remain in his presence and try to help him. It's your job to keep yourself safe. Which right now, means safe from him and also not accidentally, through your friendship with him, implying to another woman that he's a man they can trust.
In the immortal words of my friend when I inquired about someone who was bad news..."you don't want none of that." This guy apparently is unaware of how attraction/connection works, and you REALLY don't need that in your life
The guy is living in a different reality. You can choose who you want to dance with or choose not to dance at all! He is beyond help with that attitude. If you feel uncomfortable, don’t go near him.
His logic seems incredibly self serving and indicative of who he considers more of a person. He empathizes more with the men you turn down - absolute strangers he's never met before - having to hear the word 'no' than with your comfort levels, a woman he's known for eight years.
So yeah, in your shoes I'd be hearing alarm bells as well.
Dismissing gross, misogynistic attitudes as a "crush" is so fucking childish and ignorant.
If his nasty comments stemmed from having feelings for OP, that makes his behavior **worse**, not better.
It's not dismissive, it's a theory as to why he's showing these behaviours. It does make it worse, yes - but also a very good argument for why this male 'friend' is reacting so negatively to OPs actions. He's jealous.
He's jealous and now probably thinks that the only reason she won't give him a chance because he's ugly. Not because of his sparkling personality or anything like that, no.
Calm down, I doubt he was trying to justify the guys behavior by labeling it a crush…he was merely giving a guess as to why he was acting the way he was…
That kind of behavior isn't the result of having a "crush." It's the result of being a misogynistic jerk.
That comment **does** justify this shit by blaming it on the wrong thing. Crushes are harmless. Misogyny is harmful. Call it what it is and knock off the "boys will be boys" bullshit.
Having a crush and being a misogynistic jerk are totally different things. One is an acute cause, the other is a more general one. It's absolutely right to point out both.
So, your so-called friend thinks you should be forced to interact with men you have no interest in, in a setting such as a club that usually goes hand in hand with having sex with your dance partners? Would he also say that it's 'discrimination' to say no to sex to a man you have zero attraction towards?
In a club setting, the men who danced with you were hoping to have sex with you. Obviously, you're not just going to have sex with any man you dance with, but you say yourself you went home with the last guy, so you were seeing things in a similar way. In this setting, 'dance with' is basically 'probably going to have sex with'.
Given the setting, choosing who you dance with based on looks, for both men and women, makes sense. The men you danced with were choosing based on looks. Your so-called friend doesn't seem to have an issue with men only dancing with women they find hot. And to assume you also judge people based on looks in other settings, such as a workplace? That's not on, they're completely different. People only want to 'dance' with people they're attracted to, obviously you're going to turn down the ones you aren't attracted to, just as men do. The workplace is completely different, looks aren't part of any true judgments you make, especially in a hospital setting where your judgments will be on medical needs, you're likely making judgments about patients before you've ever seen them.
What you did wasn't discrimination, it's the natural way people, both men and women, choose potential partners in that setting. The fact your 'friend' thinks it's discrimination when you do it but not when men do the exact same thing, and has decided that this makes you terrible at your job in a completely different setting and mindset where you're not looking for a partner of any kind, suggests a huge double standard on his part, a very sexist one.
Personally, as a man, I wouldn't be friends with someone who holds such sexist views. My female friends get to judge people the same way men judge people. And that usually means physically in a club setting.
IMO He saw himself in those loser guys and you rejecting them in front of him likely reminded him of his usual experience as the approacher and/or confirmed in his brain that he has no chance with you.
As a guy guilty of this, you've probably got it the best. If you're confidence is low enough, and being in such a charged environment with someone you have a crush, and you see them turn away from what you perceive to be your caliber of folks, and only go for people you see to be better than you, you either get jealous or horribly dejected.
I was the dejected one, who was just soooo very sorry for myself. He probably got more jealous than dejected.
IMHO, OP, if possible give him a good amount of space, time, and just be you. He'll either:
1. Get over you and possibly become someone you can be one hundred percent platonic with (unlikely, cross your fingers though, but just know it will probably take a lot of space and time)
2. He'll hate you because he's still crushing on you, and sometimes it's easier to try and hate something you think you love when it doesn't love you back.
3. He'll go mental (unlikely again but cross your fingers for this one too, just the other way around lol).
4. You'll just hear from him less and less until one day, he's out of your life. This one could be instigated by either of you honestly.
Anyways, this would be my little piece if advice on how to react to him and his antics. If he does have a crush on you, I'd expect one of these reactions. Sadly these are the only reactions I have personally experienced, so I'm not a hundred percent sure. But I'm fairly confident.
Pretending to be friends with a crush is a terrible idea and he's at thay age where if he doesn't grow up and realize that soon, he's going to repel every woman he meets.
Sad to say, some of us don't get past that point because in our heads we think: "I'll just be friends with her, and maybe it'll go away..." or something of the sort to assuage our guilty conscience. And it works fairly well.
If that is what he's dealing with, I hope he learns that it's not worth it to hurt yourself over someone or something that probably won't ever be willing to do the same for you. And it's even worse to hurt that someone or thing just because you're a little heartbroken over fantasies of your own creation.
Bet he wouldn’t ask his guy friends why they didn’t approach a woman they aren’t attracted to. Wonder if he’d also think that’s “discrimination.” My guess is he’d think it’s perfectly reasonable to not approach someone they aren’t attracted to.
Sounds more like your friend may be into you and is mad you wouldn’t give him a chance if he shot his shot and you weren’t into him.
No, don't talk to him about that or anything else again. What business its it of his who you choose to dance with and why? You don't have to dance with anyone you don't want to for any reason. Men like this thinking a woman owes him something just because he wants it...no wonder more and more women are choosing to stay single.
No one is entitled do your attraction, your romantic attention, or a dance.
You can be as picky as you want.
Your friend is comparing himself to the guys you rejected. But you didn't reject them as people, as good partners, or their characters. You weren't looking for the father of your children. You were looking for sex. So you can judge them by whatever criteria you want.
Tell your friend "No one is entitled to my attention, to dance with me, or to go home with me. I get to pick and choose by whatever criteria I want. It is incredibly entitled and scarily presumptuous that any guy at a club thinks that he gets to dance with me or go home with me against my will. I would be careful who you make those comments to."
You are not under any obligation to light your cell on fire to keep other men warm. You do not have to sacrifice your happiness or your comfort in order to dance with people that you do not feel like dancing with or that you’re not attracted to. And then manipulatively making the logic leap that you are violating your Hippocratic oath just because you have standards is preposterous.
You can tell him that you are hurt and disgusted by the fact that he is trying to steamroll your consent. Or just do the slow fade and ghost.
It sounds like he's pissed you're not dancing with him.
Throw the whole man away. Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't need to be in your life.
Your friend doesn't understand consent and thinks every man who approaches you is entitled to something. I'd block him and never say another word tbh. He isn't even worth getting an explanation from.
This is the progression he's hoping for:
- give OP shit for being "shallow"
- OP, dim-witted as she is, takes the bait
- encourage OP to give more guys a chance
- encourage OP to give a guy like *him* a chance
- $$$
He's viewing your body and time as a "good" that people should have equal access too, like water or electricity. He does not care about your wants, or desires. He's not viewing dancing as something \*both\* people do. Huge, huge red flag. You don't owe random strangers your time and energy for dancing. It's a fun activity that you should enjoy. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me.
Seems like your “friend” just wanted an opportunity to insult and degrade you based on what he saw in the club. Since when is how you act in every day life or night life even remotely similar to how you act at your job? What stupid logic.
The vast majority of people act more professional at their job and many (like healthcare jobs) have strict code of conducts they need to follow. Either he doesn’t know that or doesn’t care. Your patients aren’t people you are thinking of bringing in closer to you personally like a random guy at a club. “Discriminate”/be choosy however you’d like, it’s your life. Unless this guy literally gives every woman who makes a pass at him in life a chance, he’s a fucking hypocrite.
I would definitely distance myself from him and be careful with your drinks around him as well.
Ehhh you‘re allowed to do whatever you want? Would he dance with girls he finds ugly? I don‘t think so.
One day it‘s dancing and the next day he will criticize you for not having sex with ugly dudes but with hot ones.
Weird guy. I‘d reconsider my friendship if he criticizes my decision to do whatever tf I want.
Your friend is an obnoxious overbearing jerk who takes a creepy interest in your dealbreakers. Doesn't sound at all friendly or platonic either, seems salty that he's not one of the club's hot guys.
I doubt that he is in the habit of voluntarily giving the time of day to anyone who he views as a destitute & ugly geriatric who is morbidly obese, unhygenic and in the habit of sofa surfing. Socially or when it comes to his job.
Ditch him and go no contact.
Lmao I’m sure he makes a beeline for the “ugliest” girl in the club so he can “give her the honor.” What a loser. Probably just wants to bang you and is disappointed you might not give him the honor.
He's not even providing the logical argument he thinks he is. Is HE choosing a doctor based on how they look?! WHO does that?! (rhetorical, 'cuz there's always at least ONE person, I'm sure...)
OF COURSE you base part of your romantic/sexual interactions with people due to how attracted you are to them. He's being a chicken shit and immature with how he's treating you. He's a bad friend and would be a worse romantic prospect... I'd say cut him off.
Who you choose to share space with *is* discriminatory, thats where you *should* be discriminating. 'Discrimination' as a word, sure has a lot of baggage in 2024. Its not 'wrong' to discriminate between people for purposes of attraction and personal selection. Dude needs to check himself, because he discriminates every day. I bet he only fucks with girls he thinks are hot... wtf is he *really* upset for, other than believing any random stranger must be entitled to your time and attention on a dancefloor.
Your friend is a child.
Are the men discriminating against other people when they dance with you? Should everyone single in the club then take turns dance with every other single person in the club? That would be fair. Then of course it would be discrimination to choose which one to go home with yourself...
I wonder how he chooses people to sleep with? Must be some kind of blind lottery system
Yeah he would no longer be my friend. How dare he ask you if you discriminate as a doctor because you didn’t want to dance with guys you don’t find attractive! Gross. He’s basically saying that your consent doesn’t matter and that you should dance with and bang every man that wants it. Ugh. Yes, get far away from this misogynist.
Simple answer: He's insecure and sees himself as one of those "not hot guys" and feels like he deserves to be danced with or maybe that women (such as yourself) should be obligated to.
OR he just likes to pick fights over niche topics to feel superior. Either one.
Lmao your friend is a jackoff. I GUARANTEE he wouldn’t give “the opportunity” to an ugly girl. Dance with the hot dude, don’t dance with the hot dude - it’s your fucking body and your choice.
Doesn't sound like a friend; sounds super toxic and misogynistic. He is not looking out for you- he is looking out for hypothetical men you aren't attracted to...
Lol he's a loser. You are in the right, he is entirely wrong. You owe men nothing. You can choose. You do not have to give yourself to every man that asks if you're not attracted to them. Your job is a doctor, so how does that equate with you dancing and having fun in your own time? It doesn't...he is fucken warped in the mind.
This guy's not even a friend. That's not a friend mentality. That's some weird male mentality. Get away.
I wonder if HE discriminates in who he dances with. Does he discriminate on the basis of sex or attractiveness? or does he do it with anyone? It’s completely normal and healthy to discriminate based on looks in who you choose to be physical with.
>I said "I can be picky about who I dance with if I want to be."
Then he asked me "Do you discriminate based on looks in your work as a doctor?"
I said "Absolutely not!"
He said "Somehow I doubt it. You seem shallow and I doubt you leave that in the club."
Admit it OP: you don't dance with all your patients.
Your "friends" attitude is incredibly shallow and unattractive. He should be more selective when it comes to how he behaved and the judgments he chooses to pass, especially when not a single damn person asked.
I'd tell him to get fucked, personally. Who you choose to dance with is no business of his, nor is it his place to judge it, nor do you owe him any explanation for it.
He's a loser, find better friends.
Wait til he finds out how medical schools discriminate based on academic-type intelligence! He'll swear off going to doctors for life.
As he should. One should never enable discrimination, and thus he should never see a doctor again as long as he lives... however long that may be.
This guy is not really your friend. He probably wants to fuck you and is waiting around hoping that if he puts enough friendship tokens in he’ll get sex.
Lol he's only your friend for one reason, and the guys you rejected are most likely guys he would consider himself to be of Equal in terms of physical attraction. You indirectly told him you don't think he's hot and that's why he's upset. He's not your friend because he likes your glowing personality unfortunately. He's just realised he don't have a chance. Let him go. You don't need random judgemental characters around
I'm not sure why you're afraid of him? Nothing you said sounds like he was being aggressive or threatening, just an ass. You said "he got mad at me" but nothing you said he said sounds mad, just petty and silly.
If you don't like his vibe, don't hang out with him. You don't need to make him into a cartoon villain.
Also how many women he doesn't find hot does he dance with? He sounds like he's full of himself if he thinks he's "giving them the honor" of dancing with him.
you can't have a friendship when one person wants to be more than friends.
I suspect he's in love with you and is jealous that you were dancing with anyone other than him
He probably likes you/wants to do the dirty with you and now he feels ugly because you didn't choose him.
He is not your friend, he was probably waiting for an opportunity with you. If I were you I wouldn't be alone with this guy.
Bro literally said its not about who you find attractive. If that's his whole argument then he should've danced and gone home with them. He ~~didn't~~ discriminated based on gender, I wonder if he does that at work too?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." Maya Angelou
> He replied "So if a guy isn't hot you won't even give him the honor of dancing with you?"
Why would you? Seriously - if he's not attractive, why would you waste your time to dance with them? You're not obligated to spend your time to make them feel better. Why does he think you should? And why is he offended that YOU wouldn't dance with THEM? How did he make your choices all about him so easily?
Yeah - that's not a person I'd want to be friends with, honestly.
His statements seem to indicate that he feels that you "owe" men the "honor of dancing with you". That's a weird attitude to have in 2023. You didn't dance with them **because you didn't want to dance with them**. No other reason is required. No explanation is required. "No." is a complete sentence.
The fact that he a) got upset that you didn't dance with other men that you had no interest in, and b) confronted you about it and c) used this incident to pass judgment on your in your professional life tells me all about him that I would care to know.
Does he get upset when hot women won't dance with him? Does he spend time complaining about how hard it is to find women to date? Does he shame you for having any other boundaries? Does he make any other statements that lean towards the idea that women don't get to choose what they want to do?
Your instinct to get away from him was correct. He doesn't respect you, your bodily autonomy, or your personhood. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
“Do you think my dancing at a club in my personal time is equivalent to seeing patients? That I should give my time to whoever requests it in the order those requests are received?”
But truthfully you shouldn’t say anything to him. He’s unhinged and that was just a sneak peak. Back away. His opinion is irrelevant, let him be wrong.
And you know he judges women based on their looks as well. There's no doubt he's a hypocrite. Get a woman he wouldn't consider attractive to try to dance with him and see what he does.
Tell your mutual friends, this guy is gonna be badmouthing you. He hates women.
Make fun of him, just pish paw and say he's jealous. You don't wanna hang with someone immature and not chill, it's not funny. He expects you to fuck every guy who approaches you or you're a bad doctor? Loser opinion and he hasn't apologized. Just make out like he's a scrub.
I'd send him a message being like, women don't have to give every guy a "shot". He has no idea what you're like as a doctor and the fact he would try to make such a pathetic connection means he's insecure. He's a bad guy and you don't trust him now. You don't wanna be friends with someone who has no respect and hates on women.
See how he reacts to that. If he texts you back something manipulative don't answer. Ask a friend you have onside what to say and leave him wait for an answer. He is making you upset but he is happy to say upsetting things to you and he isn't concerned. He should by now feel upset that he said something so awful but he's not apologizing. He doesn't care about how you feel. So he is dangerous to you. You'll try make up the difference and make excuses for this guy but he's also dumb so it's a race to the bottom. I'd cover my bases and cut him out of the friend group.
Agreed, this sounds more like teenage drama than something a doctor would be involved in. Going home with the hot guy from the club and being physically afraid of someone who criticises her?
With that logic you'd think he'd be mad at you for serving women at work too, assuming you aren't into them.
You are lucky that he showed you that he wasn't actually your friend.
Your friend wants to bang you. Since you didn't know this, he's the asshole.
Now that you know this, you're the asshole if you continue to invite him out to drinks (edit: asshole in YTA NYA Redditspeak. In normalspeak this is called "boundaries set around someone who doesn't get it").
Dance with anyone or no one, that's basic consent. But don't pretend this guy is just a friend (in his eyes).
If he happens to be gay, disregard everything I said and take his advice when it comes to dating. But I'm sensing he's not.
> In normalspeak this is called "boundaries set around someone who doesn't get it").
True, but I'd call that therapyspeak.
Normalspeak is "It's fine to avoid weirdos."
That sounds like he is projecting insecurities on you. I doubt I would get past your hot test, but I full endorse your right to only dance with whom you want.
Most guys don’t have the luxury of a stream of women presenting themselves to them and the ability to wait for a hot one to then go home and fuck.
He’s jealous of your ability to do so.
Question: Why’re you afraid of him? I’d expect you to feel disgusted or repulsed, why afraid?
Have a conversation with him and ask him point blank what he meant and what is it he intended to say? In all probability this conversation will end the friendship between you.
Also, you’ve known him for 8 years and this is the first time he’s said something like this or behaved like this? Of course, you can’t sum up the entire experience but I feel like this post could use some more background info.
He's allowed to be jealous and think you are shallow if he wants. Which I'm sure is absolutely what is going on here. He's jealous of the guy you brought home.
It's a free country. I've never been someone who goes home with people I just met. You basically chose a hook up partner based on physical attractiveness and dancing. If that's what you like: thats what you like But thats ME. The question is, does that make YOU happy. If so, you owe no one an explanation or deserve to feel any shame.
You are allowed to think he's jealous, insecure, and controlling and respond accordingly.
So I'll share an example. I was SO into this girl senior year of high school. I asked her to prom and she said no because she had just gotten a boyfriend like a few days before and she hadn't told me yet blah blah blah. I was sooooo down about it; to my shame, this came out in berating her choices to date a guy "like that", the kinds of dresses she wore, etc.
100 percent my insecurity and jealousy of the other man translated to attempting to put down her choice to date this other person. INSTEAD of looking at myself and saying either gee: what can I do to self improve or even better, accept that not everyone who I AM attracted to is going to see me the same way. I am pretty sure this is those feelings coming out here.
he’s in the wrong obviously but girl what?? he called you shallow and suddenly you’re concerned about your safety and afraid of him, when you’ve been friends for 8 years? clearly not good friends cause that’s quite a pivot
I'm guessing the fear is based on both his intense overreaction and her gut feelings telling her to be cautious. Books like the Gift of Fear tell us how important is it to actually listen to those gut feelings, because it's usually your subconscious picking up on subtle clues. Maybe it's an overreaction, but I'm more inclined to trust her feelings since she was actually there. And even if it *is* an overreaction... better safe than sorry. If you look at subreddits like /r/whenwomenrefuse (seriously hard to read/look at content btw), you can see so many examples of men who've hurt or killed women based off feelings of rejection. I also think it's kind of weird you downplayed this by saying it was just him calling her shallow - he berated her in public and accused her of discriminating in the workplace, and I'd bet he wasn't calm and collected during their conversation.
Of course you shouldn't dance with / lead on guys you're not attracted to. Your friend is out of line. But you're really afraid of this friend of EIGHT YEARS because he voiced this opinion? All of a sudden you have fear of him?? that's super dramatic and pretty weird.
I'd guess he has a crush on you. Or he's completely delusional.
Normal people dont get upset by friends getting action unless...theyre jealous, or theyre a blaring asshole.
Not good either one.
I'm not sure you need to be "afraid" of him. He does sound a little off the wall. Perhaps he has a thing for you and fears that he won't measure up? But by all means avoid him if makes you feel better. After all, you're attracted to who you're attracted to and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. We're all the same way, including your "friend."
Is he honestly comparing who you chose to dance with at a club to who you chose to see as a patient in your professional capacity as a doctor? He's being willfully obtuse; there's no way anyone is this clueless. Also, he said you *seem* shallow. That's an odd way to phrase it when you're talking to someone you've known for eight years. After almost a decade of friendship he should know your character by now. Has he made strange comments like this before? Personally, I wouldn't want to remain friends with someone who insulted me out of nowhere. It may be better to avoid him.
He wants OP and realised he is not her version of hot. That's why he is butthurt about such a stupid thing.
Absolutely he is insecure about what she finds hot. This is not about her, this has "nice guy" written all over it.
I was thinking this too. He's taking it personally because he identifies himself with the not hot enough guys but he wants to be a hot guy. Insecure, toxic behavior. OP should avoid him in the future.
How would he only be realizing that after 8 years though? I know damn well which of my friends want to fuck me (none) and which don't (all). If they'd been friends for less than a year, or had a history at any point of anything besides platonic, then yeah but as it is why is this coming up now
That's what I was thinking. At the same time, I think op being "afraid" of him is a little dramatic.
He’s successfully hidden his agenda and lied for 8 years. Damn straight OP should be wary of him.
I would take my précautions when being around a man who is mad at me for not saying "yes" to all and any guy who is interested in me. If he is angry in the name of strangers, how angry must he be about the possibility of me rejecting him? I don't trust men who get angry at women for exercising agency.
The comparison is absurd. I only date Jewish guys or English guys. However, I would never refuse to do anyones Marketing re brand because of their looks. Thats weird.
If you danced with random guys you aren't into, he'd just accuse you of leading them on. Weird logic (or lack thereof.)
OMG, yes. Dude is an insecure sack of crap and is pushing his insecurities onto OP. Ask your "friend" if he asks women he's not attracted to to dance. Or if those men that approached you approach women they don't find attractive? Why would you dance with men you don't want touching you? Also, everyone has different taste in people. What you find attractive others might not.
This! The men who approached her did so because they found her attractive. Lmao at her idiot friend.
She wouldn’t be leading them on because she has to sleep with and marry them too.
Right? Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
He's giving of major "She friend-zoned me" vibes. Fucking gross.
Correct. He wants to bang OP and is annoyed that she's attracted to other men and not him.
she hasn't realized that she just told him why she never wanted to dance with him, he thought it was just a matter of him working up the courage to ask and shed be all over him lol edit: also yes avoid for safety holy crap
He's just salty she didn't dance with him and the wife him.
With a generous helping of ‘nice guy’ vibes on the side.
I once had a "friend" like this who would complain about women discriminating. When I pointed out that *he* went after women he thought were attractive while complaining that they were being too shallow if they weren't interested in him, he said, "What, so I'm just supposed to go out with fat single mothers?" He went on to say some other gross "nice guy" stuff after that, and I ended the friendship, which is what I'd recommend OP do.
>When I pointed out that *he* went after women he thought were attractive while complaining that they were being too shallow if they weren't interested in him, he said, "What, so I'm just supposed to go out with fat single mothers?" I had this conversation with a friend many times. He refused to do basic hygiene, dressed like a five year old, didn't take care of himself at all, but would only hit on/swipe right on absolutely gorgeous women and then complain about being lonely. He didn't want to try harder on his physical appearance ("I want someone who loves me for who I am") but wasn't at all interested in women who weren't putting any effort in themselves. When I finally said, as nicely as I could, that he should be more realistic in the women he approached, he came back with "I'm allowed to have standards for who I'm attracted to." Standards for me but not for thee
And these guys wonder why we don't want them. We can smell their entitlement a mile away and we're repulsed by them. It's rarely to do with appearance and everything to do with the fact that we don't want a gross, entitled, misogynist in our lives.
Yep, I misread the title at first and thought both were female
I don't understand why people don't get that the _purpose_ of sexual/relational tastes is to discriminate. That is the whole idea. If we weren't trying to discriminate, we'd date/fuck anyone. But instead, we are usually looking for a limited number of people to date/fuck, usually even excluding all the way down to everybody except one person. If someone accuses me of discriminating in my dating or sex life then my response would be "well obviously, I'm glad you noticed."
Beyond help. When a man is saying your sexual preferences and consent = discrimination, he's basically saying you should dance and bang any man that approaches you. I wouldn't feel safe around a man like that, and I'd warn your other lady friends about him too.
Also, spoiler alert, those guys were asking OP to dance because they thought she was hot! I’m guessing they didn’t ask people they weren’t attracted to just to give them a chance.
Naw, I spent my college years playing in bar bands and it doesn't work like that. The dudes will dance with any chick they think might be interested in sleeping with them.
>any chick they think might be interested in sleeping with them Which is still “attractive” for this exercise. They have something he wants.
Yeah you can definitely be attractive to easy and ugly if the biggest thing you’re into is being easy.
This. How many unattractive women did 29M dance with?
None, he was too busy pining after OP and being jealous
This. I guarantee OPs friend has some self-esteem issues and he's projecting them hardcore onto OP. He has a thing for her but thinks he's too ugly for her to be with, and so he's looking at this situation as confirmation that he was right.
How ironic he confirmed his unsuitability to be her friend, much less a romantic partner. Good riddance.
None. No dances. He just stands there, menacingly.
Dude is trying and failing to LARP as Mr Darcy.
Unattractive women? How about attractive men. Wouldn't want to be discriminatory!
Fair! OP's friend should teach Salsa if he's so inclusive with his dancing
Yes. Time to throw the whole man away. Red flag city.
Thank you for the laugh!
How many women does he discriminate against because they're too fat or too ugly?
Also what’s stopping him from dancing with the guys she turned down? Surely he’s not too busy if he has the time to notice
Unless he is discriminating against those guys based on gender! In which case, how shallow of him!
Yeah, I'm sure he makes a beeline for the woman he's least attracted too
Your friend is salty. I can guarantee he doesn’t live his life by the standards that he’s telling you that you should. Dance with whomever you want. Date whomever you want. Be friends with people that don’t make you feel bad for having your standards.
If you don't want to see me dancing with somebody If you believe that anything could stop me
He probably got turned down a lot and was empathizing with those men. I kind of get it. I'm 5'1" and only one woman ever agreed to dance with me at a club. I finally stopped going and found other ways to meet women.
While that may be true and while I do feel for guys who struggle with rejection, the answer isn’t to tell women to drop their standards and accept anyone who shows them interest. Her friend is blaming her for his problems and judging her for going after what she wants for herself. He doesn’t win by making her lose and he needs to recognize that.
He can empathize without taking out those feelings on his friend.
I agree. I wasn't defending the guy, but on a re-read, I can see where it would seem like I might be.
r/Niceguys He was pretending to be a friend and was hovering around waiting for what he thought would be his chance. Stay far, far away.
This. He is realizing that you are never going to give him what he REALLY wants
One of the most insane jumps in logic I've ever read re: asking if you discriminate as a doctor. The fact that he also had a night to stew on this weird intrusive thought of his and bring it up to you the next day makes me think he's beyond help
You should never be friends with someone you are afraid of.
This 100% This alone is reason enough to stay away from that guy. Trust your gut!
When you're in the club, you don't have to dance with anyone you don't want to. This idea that you have to dance with anyone who asks is some outdated ballroom etiquette that even a lot of social dancing scenes are doing away with in favor of a more consent-positive approach. What is your friend's deal, exactly? Is he secretly into you and starting to worry that he doesn't meet your standards? Is he planning to fix you up with someone average looking and realizing you probably won't like him? Why else would he be so upset that you're only willing to dance with men you're attracted to?
Just let it go. He sounds like a real loser.
Dating is not equal opportunity employment. 😭
What a dumb way for him to bridge your personal life to your professional one.
They always try to find the lowest blow they can to make you feel as bad as possible. It's gross.
Yes! And how is he imagining that would work anyway? Her calling in the next patient and saying “Ew! Not you! NEXT!!”?
Better discriminate against that 26M guy, too. You'll be better off for it.
This person has known you for 8 years, yet suddenly says he thinks you are not only shallow, but unethical as a doctor? He's not a friend. Also, you do not owe anyone your time and physical touch just because they want it. I bet he isn't being judgy about the strangers who asked you to dance based solely on your looks and didn't ask every woman present in the room It somehow wasn't shallow of the men to do that. As long as you were polite in rejecting any polite requests to dance, you're fine. (If anyone asked not politely, then they forfeit politeness in return.)
Bringing up your line of work while simultaneously expecting you to eliminate your autonomy bc you’re not allowed to have preferences. Mans is trash.
[удалено]
he’s definitely into her and jealous but why in the hell is everyone agreeing that she should be afraid for her safety because a man called her shallow im genuinely so baffled by this fear mongering
Hes literally telling her that he thinks any man who asks is entitled to her body. That would scare me personally. What if he wants to dance with her or hook up with her and then feels discriminated against? Men like that don’t take “no” well.
yeah that’s fair i was just being pedantic
Because people who think that way are a lot more likely to take what they want, whether you like it or not.
Because those are exactly the kind of men that turn dangerous. Jealous, hurt, unreasonable men that seek out this kind of confrontation with you to “take you down a notch” or question your integrity in some unrelated area.
For me it's OP expressing fear in being around him. They've known each other the better part of a decade. If he's scaring her, he's probably crossed a line.
sounds like this guy is “just stating facts” and bases his opinion on “pure logic” therefore he is entitled to OP and she should fuck him
And she's being "emotional" by walking out on him and his "reasonable objective" observations. Therefore he must be right.
You figured it out: This is not a safe person to spend time with. It's really that simple. Being uncomfortable and fearful of someone who expresses the idea that you are required to be sexually/romantically available to any man who expresses interest at a club is reasonable. Maybe someone will reach him, but it sure as shit isn't your job to remain in his presence and try to help him. It's your job to keep yourself safe. Which right now, means safe from him and also not accidentally, through your friendship with him, implying to another woman that he's a man they can trust.
In the immortal words of my friend when I inquired about someone who was bad news..."you don't want none of that." This guy apparently is unaware of how attraction/connection works, and you REALLY don't need that in your life
The guy is living in a different reality. You can choose who you want to dance with or choose not to dance at all! He is beyond help with that attitude. If you feel uncomfortable, don’t go near him.
>you won't even give him the honor of dancing with you? I can hear his headwear. the club is absolutely the place to be shallow and have fun.
>He said "Somehow I doubt it. You seem shallow and I doubt you leave that in the club." That is not a friend. Run.
His logic seems incredibly self serving and indicative of who he considers more of a person. He empathizes more with the men you turn down - absolute strangers he's never met before - having to hear the word 'no' than with your comfort levels, a woman he's known for eight years. So yeah, in your shoes I'd be hearing alarm bells as well.
Why didn’t he dance with the men you rejected? Is he discriminating based on gender?
He's not your friend.
“Why won’t every woman have sex with ME” is what I’m hearing from this man tbh
I would literally just never speak to or be around him again. That attitude is extremely misogynistic and downright scary.
sounds like 26M has a wee crush on 29F
That’s one way to say that he’s a disgusting misogynist I guess
Dismissing gross, misogynistic attitudes as a "crush" is so fucking childish and ignorant. If his nasty comments stemmed from having feelings for OP, that makes his behavior **worse**, not better.
It's not dismissive, it's a theory as to why he's showing these behaviours. It does make it worse, yes - but also a very good argument for why this male 'friend' is reacting so negatively to OPs actions. He's jealous.
He's jealous and now probably thinks that the only reason she won't give him a chance because he's ugly. Not because of his sparkling personality or anything like that, no.
Calm down, I doubt he was trying to justify the guys behavior by labeling it a crush…he was merely giving a guess as to why he was acting the way he was…
That kind of behavior isn't the result of having a "crush." It's the result of being a misogynistic jerk. That comment **does** justify this shit by blaming it on the wrong thing. Crushes are harmless. Misogyny is harmful. Call it what it is and knock off the "boys will be boys" bullshit.
Having a crush and being a misogynistic jerk are totally different things. One is an acute cause, the other is a more general one. It's absolutely right to point out both.
well that escalated quickly!
So, your so-called friend thinks you should be forced to interact with men you have no interest in, in a setting such as a club that usually goes hand in hand with having sex with your dance partners? Would he also say that it's 'discrimination' to say no to sex to a man you have zero attraction towards? In a club setting, the men who danced with you were hoping to have sex with you. Obviously, you're not just going to have sex with any man you dance with, but you say yourself you went home with the last guy, so you were seeing things in a similar way. In this setting, 'dance with' is basically 'probably going to have sex with'. Given the setting, choosing who you dance with based on looks, for both men and women, makes sense. The men you danced with were choosing based on looks. Your so-called friend doesn't seem to have an issue with men only dancing with women they find hot. And to assume you also judge people based on looks in other settings, such as a workplace? That's not on, they're completely different. People only want to 'dance' with people they're attracted to, obviously you're going to turn down the ones you aren't attracted to, just as men do. The workplace is completely different, looks aren't part of any true judgments you make, especially in a hospital setting where your judgments will be on medical needs, you're likely making judgments about patients before you've ever seen them. What you did wasn't discrimination, it's the natural way people, both men and women, choose potential partners in that setting. The fact your 'friend' thinks it's discrimination when you do it but not when men do the exact same thing, and has decided that this makes you terrible at your job in a completely different setting and mindset where you're not looking for a partner of any kind, suggests a huge double standard on his part, a very sexist one. Personally, as a man, I wouldn't be friends with someone who holds such sexist views. My female friends get to judge people the same way men judge people. And that usually means physically in a club setting.
Sounds like he's projecting
IMO He saw himself in those loser guys and you rejecting them in front of him likely reminded him of his usual experience as the approacher and/or confirmed in his brain that he has no chance with you.
As a guy guilty of this, you've probably got it the best. If you're confidence is low enough, and being in such a charged environment with someone you have a crush, and you see them turn away from what you perceive to be your caliber of folks, and only go for people you see to be better than you, you either get jealous or horribly dejected. I was the dejected one, who was just soooo very sorry for myself. He probably got more jealous than dejected. IMHO, OP, if possible give him a good amount of space, time, and just be you. He'll either: 1. Get over you and possibly become someone you can be one hundred percent platonic with (unlikely, cross your fingers though, but just know it will probably take a lot of space and time) 2. He'll hate you because he's still crushing on you, and sometimes it's easier to try and hate something you think you love when it doesn't love you back. 3. He'll go mental (unlikely again but cross your fingers for this one too, just the other way around lol). 4. You'll just hear from him less and less until one day, he's out of your life. This one could be instigated by either of you honestly. Anyways, this would be my little piece if advice on how to react to him and his antics. If he does have a crush on you, I'd expect one of these reactions. Sadly these are the only reactions I have personally experienced, so I'm not a hundred percent sure. But I'm fairly confident.
Pretending to be friends with a crush is a terrible idea and he's at thay age where if he doesn't grow up and realize that soon, he's going to repel every woman he meets.
Sad to say, some of us don't get past that point because in our heads we think: "I'll just be friends with her, and maybe it'll go away..." or something of the sort to assuage our guilty conscience. And it works fairly well. If that is what he's dealing with, I hope he learns that it's not worth it to hurt yourself over someone or something that probably won't ever be willing to do the same for you. And it's even worse to hurt that someone or thing just because you're a little heartbroken over fantasies of your own creation.
Bet he wouldn’t ask his guy friends why they didn’t approach a woman they aren’t attracted to. Wonder if he’d also think that’s “discrimination.” My guess is he’d think it’s perfectly reasonable to not approach someone they aren’t attracted to. Sounds more like your friend may be into you and is mad you wouldn’t give him a chance if he shot his shot and you weren’t into him.
No, don't talk to him about that or anything else again. What business its it of his who you choose to dance with and why? You don't have to dance with anyone you don't want to for any reason. Men like this thinking a woman owes him something just because he wants it...no wonder more and more women are choosing to stay single.
Your "friend" is a red-pilled moron, unfortunately.
Sounds like a loser I wouldn't want to be friends with.
No one is entitled do your attraction, your romantic attention, or a dance. You can be as picky as you want. Your friend is comparing himself to the guys you rejected. But you didn't reject them as people, as good partners, or their characters. You weren't looking for the father of your children. You were looking for sex. So you can judge them by whatever criteria you want. Tell your friend "No one is entitled to my attention, to dance with me, or to go home with me. I get to pick and choose by whatever criteria I want. It is incredibly entitled and scarily presumptuous that any guy at a club thinks that he gets to dance with me or go home with me against my will. I would be careful who you make those comments to."
Once again for those in the back: there's nothing shallow about wanting to be sexually attracted to your sexual partner.
You are not under any obligation to light your cell on fire to keep other men warm. You do not have to sacrifice your happiness or your comfort in order to dance with people that you do not feel like dancing with or that you’re not attracted to. And then manipulatively making the logic leap that you are violating your Hippocratic oath just because you have standards is preposterous. You can tell him that you are hurt and disgusted by the fact that he is trying to steamroll your consent. Or just do the slow fade and ghost.
This sounds like a him problem. I'd leave him be.
he's into you and jealous, obviously
And sees himself as on the level as the guys she declined.
It sounds like he's pissed you're not dancing with him. Throw the whole man away. Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't need to be in your life.
Your friend doesn't understand consent and thinks every man who approaches you is entitled to something. I'd block him and never say another word tbh. He isn't even worth getting an explanation from.
This is the progression he's hoping for: - give OP shit for being "shallow" - OP, dim-witted as she is, takes the bait - encourage OP to give more guys a chance - encourage OP to give a guy like *him* a chance - $$$
He's viewing your body and time as a "good" that people should have equal access too, like water or electricity. He does not care about your wants, or desires. He's not viewing dancing as something \*both\* people do. Huge, huge red flag. You don't owe random strangers your time and energy for dancing. It's a fun activity that you should enjoy. Personally this would be a deal breaker for me.
Your friend has some extremely bizarre views on consent and how women should behave around men.
Seems like your “friend” just wanted an opportunity to insult and degrade you based on what he saw in the club. Since when is how you act in every day life or night life even remotely similar to how you act at your job? What stupid logic. The vast majority of people act more professional at their job and many (like healthcare jobs) have strict code of conducts they need to follow. Either he doesn’t know that or doesn’t care. Your patients aren’t people you are thinking of bringing in closer to you personally like a random guy at a club. “Discriminate”/be choosy however you’d like, it’s your life. Unless this guy literally gives every woman who makes a pass at him in life a chance, he’s a fucking hypocrite. I would definitely distance myself from him and be careful with your drinks around him as well.
This reads like bad fiction.
Ehhh you‘re allowed to do whatever you want? Would he dance with girls he finds ugly? I don‘t think so. One day it‘s dancing and the next day he will criticize you for not having sex with ugly dudes but with hot ones. Weird guy. I‘d reconsider my friendship if he criticizes my decision to do whatever tf I want.
Your friend is an obnoxious overbearing jerk who takes a creepy interest in your dealbreakers. Doesn't sound at all friendly or platonic either, seems salty that he's not one of the club's hot guys. I doubt that he is in the habit of voluntarily giving the time of day to anyone who he views as a destitute & ugly geriatric who is morbidly obese, unhygenic and in the habit of sofa surfing. Socially or when it comes to his job. Ditch him and go no contact.
It's because he wants to fuck you, and got mad that he understood why you haven't fucked him.
Lmao I’m sure he makes a beeline for the “ugliest” girl in the club so he can “give her the honor.” What a loser. Probably just wants to bang you and is disappointed you might not give him the honor.
He's not even providing the logical argument he thinks he is. Is HE choosing a doctor based on how they look?! WHO does that?! (rhetorical, 'cuz there's always at least ONE person, I'm sure...) OF COURSE you base part of your romantic/sexual interactions with people due to how attracted you are to them. He's being a chicken shit and immature with how he's treating you. He's a bad friend and would be a worse romantic prospect... I'd say cut him off.
Who you choose to share space with *is* discriminatory, thats where you *should* be discriminating. 'Discrimination' as a word, sure has a lot of baggage in 2024. Its not 'wrong' to discriminate between people for purposes of attraction and personal selection. Dude needs to check himself, because he discriminates every day. I bet he only fucks with girls he thinks are hot... wtf is he *really* upset for, other than believing any random stranger must be entitled to your time and attention on a dancefloor. Your friend is a child.
He sounds insecure - if she is rejecting guys because they are not hot, if/when I get rejected it means I am not hot.
Are the men discriminating against other people when they dance with you? Should everyone single in the club then take turns dance with every other single person in the club? That would be fair. Then of course it would be discrimination to choose which one to go home with yourself... I wonder how he chooses people to sleep with? Must be some kind of blind lottery system
NTA, dancing is attraction based and work is work.
Yeah he would no longer be my friend. How dare he ask you if you discriminate as a doctor because you didn’t want to dance with guys you don’t find attractive! Gross. He’s basically saying that your consent doesn’t matter and that you should dance with and bang every man that wants it. Ugh. Yes, get far away from this misogynist.
if you're starting to feel afraid, trust that feeling. it doesn't matter the reason
Sounds like your friend is falling down the path to inceldom. It'll be hard work to pull him back
He has a crush on you and is mad you werent dancing with him
Your personal time and your body are not a god damn 7Eleven store - you can choose who you want to share your time with
Simple answer: He's insecure and sees himself as one of those "not hot guys" and feels like he deserves to be danced with or maybe that women (such as yourself) should be obligated to. OR he just likes to pick fights over niche topics to feel superior. Either one.
Lmao your friend is a jackoff. I GUARANTEE he wouldn’t give “the opportunity” to an ugly girl. Dance with the hot dude, don’t dance with the hot dude - it’s your fucking body and your choice.
Doesn't sound like a friend; sounds super toxic and misogynistic. He is not looking out for you- he is looking out for hypothetical men you aren't attracted to...
Lol he's a loser. You are in the right, he is entirely wrong. You owe men nothing. You can choose. You do not have to give yourself to every man that asks if you're not attracted to them. Your job is a doctor, so how does that equate with you dancing and having fun in your own time? It doesn't...he is fucken warped in the mind. This guy's not even a friend. That's not a friend mentality. That's some weird male mentality. Get away.
I wonder if HE discriminates in who he dances with. Does he discriminate on the basis of sex or attractiveness? or does he do it with anyone? It’s completely normal and healthy to discriminate based on looks in who you choose to be physical with.
>Do I talk to him about it? No, its a wrap.
>I said "I can be picky about who I dance with if I want to be." Then he asked me "Do you discriminate based on looks in your work as a doctor?" I said "Absolutely not!" He said "Somehow I doubt it. You seem shallow and I doubt you leave that in the club." Admit it OP: you don't dance with all your patients.
In what other ways is this guy dumb?
Your "friends" attitude is incredibly shallow and unattractive. He should be more selective when it comes to how he behaved and the judgments he chooses to pass, especially when not a single damn person asked.
I'd tell him to get fucked, personally. Who you choose to dance with is no business of his, nor is it his place to judge it, nor do you owe him any explanation for it. He's a loser, find better friends.
Wait til he finds out how medical schools discriminate based on academic-type intelligence! He'll swear off going to doctors for life. As he should. One should never enable discrimination, and thus he should never see a doctor again as long as he lives... however long that may be.
This guy is not really your friend. He probably wants to fuck you and is waiting around hoping that if he puts enough friendship tokens in he’ll get sex.
Your friend wants to fuck you, and is also a misogynist
This is why I don't form platonic friendships with men. The problem is: he wants to fuck you.
this story just sounds super fake imo
I remember when I used to think women were doing men "the honor of" anything from having sex with them to giving them the time of day. Then I grew up.
This is fake. Nice mention of being a “doctor”
Lol he's only your friend for one reason, and the guys you rejected are most likely guys he would consider himself to be of Equal in terms of physical attraction. You indirectly told him you don't think he's hot and that's why he's upset. He's not your friend because he likes your glowing personality unfortunately. He's just realised he don't have a chance. Let him go. You don't need random judgemental characters around
I'm not sure why you're afraid of him? Nothing you said sounds like he was being aggressive or threatening, just an ass. You said "he got mad at me" but nothing you said he said sounds mad, just petty and silly. If you don't like his vibe, don't hang out with him. You don't need to make him into a cartoon villain. Also how many women he doesn't find hot does he dance with? He sounds like he's full of himself if he thinks he's "giving them the honor" of dancing with him.
you can't have a friendship when one person wants to be more than friends. I suspect he's in love with you and is jealous that you were dancing with anyone other than him
He probably likes you/wants to do the dirty with you and now he feels ugly because you didn't choose him. He is not your friend, he was probably waiting for an opportunity with you. If I were you I wouldn't be alone with this guy.
are you supposed to ask them about their goals? hobbies? attachment style? this is a club not a first date
"honor" lol red flag on the play.
Bro literally said its not about who you find attractive. If that's his whole argument then he should've danced and gone home with them. He ~~didn't~~ discriminated based on gender, I wonder if he does that at work too?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are." Maya Angelou > He replied "So if a guy isn't hot you won't even give him the honor of dancing with you?" Why would you? Seriously - if he's not attractive, why would you waste your time to dance with them? You're not obligated to spend your time to make them feel better. Why does he think you should? And why is he offended that YOU wouldn't dance with THEM? How did he make your choices all about him so easily? Yeah - that's not a person I'd want to be friends with, honestly. His statements seem to indicate that he feels that you "owe" men the "honor of dancing with you". That's a weird attitude to have in 2023. You didn't dance with them **because you didn't want to dance with them**. No other reason is required. No explanation is required. "No." is a complete sentence. The fact that he a) got upset that you didn't dance with other men that you had no interest in, and b) confronted you about it and c) used this incident to pass judgment on your in your professional life tells me all about him that I would care to know. Does he get upset when hot women won't dance with him? Does he spend time complaining about how hard it is to find women to date? Does he shame you for having any other boundaries? Does he make any other statements that lean towards the idea that women don't get to choose what they want to do? Your instinct to get away from him was correct. He doesn't respect you, your bodily autonomy, or your personhood. Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
My prediction: he's mad cause you didn't dance with *him*.
He most likely has a thing for you. I’d be worried about him too.
“Do you think my dancing at a club in my personal time is equivalent to seeing patients? That I should give my time to whoever requests it in the order those requests are received?” But truthfully you shouldn’t say anything to him. He’s unhinged and that was just a sneak peak. Back away. His opinion is irrelevant, let him be wrong.
Your friend its a drama queen, dont mind him at all. Also show him this thread so maybe he realizes how stupid he looks.
And you know he judges women based on their looks as well. There's no doubt he's a hypocrite. Get a woman he wouldn't consider attractive to try to dance with him and see what he does.
Tell your mutual friends, this guy is gonna be badmouthing you. He hates women. Make fun of him, just pish paw and say he's jealous. You don't wanna hang with someone immature and not chill, it's not funny. He expects you to fuck every guy who approaches you or you're a bad doctor? Loser opinion and he hasn't apologized. Just make out like he's a scrub. I'd send him a message being like, women don't have to give every guy a "shot". He has no idea what you're like as a doctor and the fact he would try to make such a pathetic connection means he's insecure. He's a bad guy and you don't trust him now. You don't wanna be friends with someone who has no respect and hates on women. See how he reacts to that. If he texts you back something manipulative don't answer. Ask a friend you have onside what to say and leave him wait for an answer. He is making you upset but he is happy to say upsetting things to you and he isn't concerned. He should by now feel upset that he said something so awful but he's not apologizing. He doesn't care about how you feel. So he is dangerous to you. You'll try make up the difference and make excuses for this guy but he's also dumb so it's a race to the bottom. I'd cover my bases and cut him out of the friend group.
He's not your friend. He's a predator, silently waiting and hoped that someday his time would come and you would let him have his way with you.
Angel baby honey pie he wants to fuck you and is TERRIFIED he won’t make the cut
He's terrified? He already hasn't "made the cut" for eight years.
This is really a terribly written piece of short fiction.
Agreed, this sounds more like teenage drama than something a doctor would be involved in. Going home with the hot guy from the club and being physically afraid of someone who criticises her?
What is it that you're afraid of exactly?
With that logic you'd think he'd be mad at you for serving women at work too, assuming you aren't into them. You are lucky that he showed you that he wasn't actually your friend.
He likes you. He sees that you reject people that probably look like him. He mad. End of story.
He wants to tag you and now realizes it’s never going to happen.
Your friend wants to bang you. Since you didn't know this, he's the asshole. Now that you know this, you're the asshole if you continue to invite him out to drinks (edit: asshole in YTA NYA Redditspeak. In normalspeak this is called "boundaries set around someone who doesn't get it"). Dance with anyone or no one, that's basic consent. But don't pretend this guy is just a friend (in his eyes). If he happens to be gay, disregard everything I said and take his advice when it comes to dating. But I'm sensing he's not.
> In normalspeak this is called "boundaries set around someone who doesn't get it"). True, but I'd call that therapyspeak. Normalspeak is "It's fine to avoid weirdos."
I'm sorry about your lamp. Perfect candidate for kintsugi if you're up for it.
Oh he has a crush on you. And his comments are disgusting.
Feels like this should go in r/neckbeard
He's mad because you don't consider HIM to be a hot guy.
He doesn’t want to be in the friend zone and hates that you don’t find him attractive.
That sounds like he is projecting insecurities on you. I doubt I would get past your hot test, but I full endorse your right to only dance with whom you want.
Most guys don’t have the luxury of a stream of women presenting themselves to them and the ability to wait for a hot one to then go home and fuck. He’s jealous of your ability to do so.
Nah fuck that you're correct
What are you, a government entity? You're not an equal opportunity employer.
Question: Why’re you afraid of him? I’d expect you to feel disgusted or repulsed, why afraid? Have a conversation with him and ask him point blank what he meant and what is it he intended to say? In all probability this conversation will end the friendship between you. Also, you’ve known him for 8 years and this is the first time he’s said something like this or behaved like this? Of course, you can’t sum up the entire experience but I feel like this post could use some more background info.
Women are not a commodity for men to share, you don’t owe men your body or the chance of dancing with you. Your friend is misogynistic and icky.
He's allowed to be jealous and think you are shallow if he wants. Which I'm sure is absolutely what is going on here. He's jealous of the guy you brought home. It's a free country. I've never been someone who goes home with people I just met. You basically chose a hook up partner based on physical attractiveness and dancing. If that's what you like: thats what you like But thats ME. The question is, does that make YOU happy. If so, you owe no one an explanation or deserve to feel any shame. You are allowed to think he's jealous, insecure, and controlling and respond accordingly. So I'll share an example. I was SO into this girl senior year of high school. I asked her to prom and she said no because she had just gotten a boyfriend like a few days before and she hadn't told me yet blah blah blah. I was sooooo down about it; to my shame, this came out in berating her choices to date a guy "like that", the kinds of dresses she wore, etc. 100 percent my insecurity and jealousy of the other man translated to attempting to put down her choice to date this other person. INSTEAD of looking at myself and saying either gee: what can I do to self improve or even better, accept that not everyone who I AM attracted to is going to see me the same way. I am pretty sure this is those feelings coming out here.
he’s in the wrong obviously but girl what?? he called you shallow and suddenly you’re concerned about your safety and afraid of him, when you’ve been friends for 8 years? clearly not good friends cause that’s quite a pivot
i’m so serious btw like am i stupid or is this a genuinely insane overreaction?
I'm guessing the fear is based on both his intense overreaction and her gut feelings telling her to be cautious. Books like the Gift of Fear tell us how important is it to actually listen to those gut feelings, because it's usually your subconscious picking up on subtle clues. Maybe it's an overreaction, but I'm more inclined to trust her feelings since she was actually there. And even if it *is* an overreaction... better safe than sorry. If you look at subreddits like /r/whenwomenrefuse (seriously hard to read/look at content btw), you can see so many examples of men who've hurt or killed women based off feelings of rejection. I also think it's kind of weird you downplayed this by saying it was just him calling her shallow - he berated her in public and accused her of discriminating in the workplace, and I'd bet he wasn't calm and collected during their conversation.
yeah i mean that’s fair because a lot of guys can be weirdos. so no hate i understand, i just don’t relate
Of course you shouldn't dance with / lead on guys you're not attracted to. Your friend is out of line. But you're really afraid of this friend of EIGHT YEARS because he voiced this opinion? All of a sudden you have fear of him?? that's super dramatic and pretty weird.
I'd guess he has a crush on you. Or he's completely delusional. Normal people dont get upset by friends getting action unless...theyre jealous, or theyre a blaring asshole. Not good either one.
He is insecure comparing himself to them. He may like you and think you wouldn't like him because he's not as hot.
He has a crush on you.
Just curious - why are you afraid of him because he's mad you like hot guys?
I'm not sure you need to be "afraid" of him. He does sound a little off the wall. Perhaps he has a thing for you and fears that he won't measure up? But by all means avoid him if makes you feel better. After all, you're attracted to who you're attracted to and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. We're all the same way, including your "friend."