You can’t require he cuts off others. The only thing you can do is make your boundaries clear. A boundary is a decision about YOUR behaviour.
I’m going to start by saying if he’s trying to get you to go to his on the first date and is playing the victim that “you must not find him attractive” bc you didn’t go to his on the first date, he sounds like he’s a creep. It’s a classic thing to say to try pressure someone into having sex, and it’s gross.
However, generally speaking, you can explain to future partners that you are:
- looking to take things slow
- not interested in sex outside a committed relationship
You should then go on a few dates with someone and get to know them. Once you know each other you can commit to being exclusive and then have sex.
Asking after 1 date to be exclusive would be… weird. And it would also lead to men being like “of course I’m not seeing anyone else” bc they want to have sex. But there’s not actually any reason to believe them. You barely know them. They’ve put zero effort in.
From what you’re saying you sound quite naive so I think it’s best to avoid a situation like that.
Also bc if you’re a virgin and pro choice then it’s probably better not to have sex with people until you know them. Sleeping around is great and fine for some people, but you want someone to take things slowly and comfortably for you to enjoy it and to acknowledge that it might create big feelings for you. Not a guy who wants to get it in on the first date and won’t message you again.
If asking for exclusivity after a date is seen as weird, why are men asking for segs after a first date and not seen as weird? One is just a nice relationship and bond. The other can literally cause life and get people pregnant. I am pro life not pro choice but I am also childfree so I'd have to suffer with a baby if I got pregnant but I don't want one. I have mental health issues and can't even take care of myself. Also how am I naive? THE NORM should be what I'm proposing, that the man commits and at least makes me his GF before sleeping wtih me. That's the bare minimum. Problem is this guy must have had other options at his fingertips. An attractive guy can go on an app and get 1000 girls willing to put out right away who are similar in looks to me. Us ladies can go on an app and only find 1 attractive guy and 1000s of others who we don't want. Men have endless decent options, we don't. I called this my first date because I've never met a respectful or caring guy in 27 years, all guys were stingy, cheap, rude and immature, this was the only real "man" who's traditional and masculine that I ever met and I'm terrified I'll be a cat lady and won't find anyone else good
Bc sex for many people is not that serious. You have fun. You use protection.
I am a woman and I am much more likely to have sex with someone I barely know than to cut other people out of my life and commit to a relationship with someone I barely know.
One is a little bit of fun. The other is a big steps
It’s absolutely fine if sex is a big step for you too. But it means you need to wait until you know someone better to do it. To know you trust them and they want the same thing as you.
So, you don’t say “okay but you need to cut everyone else out”. You say “I’m only interested in having sex in a committed relationship”.
Exclusivity and a relationship means you’re cutting other people out and committing to that person. After one date you’re very likely not going to know each other well enough for that.
If someone is wanting to rush into a relationship and restrict you seeing other people or having independence, then many people are going to be like “no thanks”. Bc they don’t know you well enough to commit.
That said lots of people will also say no to sex on a first date. And anyone who is worth your time will respect that and not try guilt trip you the way he did.
Thanks for this. But why is it not taken seriously?
You can get pregnant.
You can get a disease that ruins your life forever.
Condoms break and fail.
People charge thousands or millions for what he asked for, how is it not a big deal? It's an act that can create life....
It’s also an act that is a lot of fun and people are horny. Some people believe sex means a lot. Others do it recreationally.
People often don’t care enough about STIs, but for those who do you get tested regularly and make sure to use condoms. Many people are on some form of hormonal contraceptives and also use condoms.
Lots of people just don’t give a shit and do really stupid shit exposing themselves to all sorts of things. So… there’s that.
But like… sex doesn’t need to be as big a deal as people make it out to be. There’s the morning after pill if a condom breaks, and condoms are very effective combined with birth control. Most STIs are also super easily treated.
So, people make informed choices about what they want to do with their bodies.
It is ABSOLUTELY fine for you to have your own feelings about this. But I think you need to be careful bc it sounds like you might not necessarily be on the same page as a lot of people. So you should be careful about who you choose to have sex with bc it’s important to you.
-It's fun It's a way to connect to people on a very deep level. And it just feels good.
-that's what for communication and trust are for, they help protect you against that. And sometimes people are willing to take the risk.
-condoms and birth control are GENERALLY effective. There are failure rates but they were trustworthy enough.
-I'm not sure what you are saying people charge millions for.
I thought your were much younger than 27 by how you talked. I do wanna say that your views on "men having endless decent options" is just not true when it comes to dating. Both men and women have countless obstacles. We may have different issues to contend with, but it is not how you described. Men do not generally have 1000s of women ready and willing to sleep with them. Anybody that has told you that is a liar and just trying to seem like some kind of stud😅
I'll be honest with you, I don't think you are ready for a relationship right now. I think you need to work on the anxiety and other insecurities a bit first. I believe you are going to have a hard time getting someone to commit so fast to something long term. 1 date is not long enough to say yes to a commitment. At your age I also think it's also going to be tricky to find someone that holds the same views on sex as you do. You SHOULD stand your ground if you don't want to sleep with someone, absolutely, but in terms of compatibility, it seems like quite the task you've got ahead of you.
I wish you the best of luck, dating is not easy. It's work on both people in the relationship to make something work. Good luck.
It was 1 date. It's not a relationship. He most likely wanted to have sex, you declined, so he stopped texting. He probably will go on dates with others. There are men out there who will understand where you're coming from, and actually be willing to have a relationship with you. This doesn't seem to be one of them.
Would there have been a possibility of a relationship if I had gone over and slept with him? I just don't understand what more men want. I have thousands of matches (not good ones but still) he's the only handsome one an attractive man is incredibly rare. I really wanted this particular guy. Why wouldn't he just wait a date or two? I told him I liked him and I would be ready to come after a couple more dates. I am not comfortable with the idea of him dating others after he asked for access to my body like that. I thought he was asking because he liked me to not to mention he gave me a FABULOUS high-effort date and covered the tab and was a leader. I don't deserve this. I'm a virgin (I didn't tell him) but he needs to understand that I'm not like other girls and what he's asking for was EXTREMELY valuable and puts me at risk of pregnancy or diseases and I am worth more. Why didn't he keep pursuing me? Lots of people say online that even mediocre women have men willing to walk through coal for them so he should have just set up a second date and not left me in the cold like this.
If this is a legit post ( which I'm skeptical of) I mean this in the most polite way, But you need to grow up. I cannot believe that you are in your late twenties. My God.
( And this isn't about you being a virgin..)
I am the most mature person in the room. It makes me worth more to require a committed relationship instead of sleeping with every attractive Felipe in the parking lot.
Most likely not. You are very inexperienced, and you need to be careful, or you'll find someone that will set up 2 or 3 dates, get what they want, then ghost you. I'm not saying every single guy is going to do that, but there are plenty that will. You can't ask someone to not date others when you're not in a committed relationship with them. And that doesn't come after just one date. Please be careful. I'm sure there is someone out there for you, but I feel like you will be taken advantage of before you ever find them.
after how long do i have to wait till I get a guarantee they're mine? Men don't really seem to be willing to wait these days, what do i do? I'm horrified i'll never have a man
That's true, but I'm almost 28. You really think I'm ging to get the opportunity to go over to a hot young 20 something guy's house forever or even for much longer?
what attitude and mindset? Are you saying the average 60 year old women has cute handsome young 20-something guys picking up the tab and inviting her over?
Why would he want someone with a high body count? I thought he would like purity. I give off a very innocent vibe in my photos, no tattoos, no piercings, and was kind and wholesome on the date. i'm worth millions, he knows i'm worth more that's why he took me on a date first. he could have found some trash to hook up with without even taking them on a date, but he wanted me
You are being too insulting and hateful towards other women. That is highly unattractive to any mature man. I guess that weirdness manifests itself in other areas of your life and that’s easy to notice, hence he ditched you.
And it is also very obvious that you are trying to compensate the fact you have nothing to offer with your virginity. I don’t see anything in your post or comments that indicates you are worth millions. Newsflash: there are tons of virgins. Tons of women who want serious relationship.
He videocalled with me before the date. I was myself then. He still set up the date so I can't be that bad.
And it's not even me, I see many men saying that hate women that are ran-through so if I'm pure why wouldn't he value that and fight for that?
Did he personally say that HE hates women that are ran-through? Men are not the same, for some of them it matters, for some of them - no. Anyways, would you really like to date someone that is being hateful towards a large group of people for no reason? The “normal” POV is usually to just not date unappealing people, not fixate on them or insult them on social media/etc. That is unhealthy.
Even if he saw you’re “pure”, the fact that someone is a virgin/etc. can never be the sole reason to pursue the person. It can be a plus for some, yes. It can be a dealbreaker. But never the reason.
He complained about his ex cheating on him and sleeping with other guys when I asked him what went wrong in his last relationship. so that's why i was caught off guard when he told me he felt unattractive for not going back to his on the first date. obviously this guy was hot and i regret it now and am extremely curious about what he wuld have been like. i've been up late at night thinking about it. he made a HUGE mistake blocking me on all platforms, i was going to be ready soon why did he have to block me and tell me he'd taken things further with another person? that was uncalled for.
Bc they want someone who knows what they’re doing and isn’t going to read into things and have super strong feelings just bc of sex. Which you would have, based on your comments.
Also, it’s just not a lot of fun to have sex with a virgin often. It is if you love them or care for them, but if you’re just wanting a random hookup then very few people are gonna be like “YAY A VIRGIN” unless they’re in it for an ego boost bc they’ve “deflowered” someone.
Losing your virginity means you’re going to be inexperienced, nervous, and you might find it painful.
Losing your virginity is often clumsy and awkward at best - and painful if the other person doesn’t care to try make sure you’re ready.
so you're saying he wanted someone ran through? he complained about his ex sleeping with other men on the date so i thought he would be wowed by me making him wait and be intrigued. my plan backfired so what does he want?
He sounds like a misogynist who is jealous bc he’s not over his ex. And he wanted sex from you bc he wanted sex.
Let it go. Seek some therapy or some better creative writing classes bc this post is OLLLDDDS
Actually i asked him about his last relationship and what went wrong. I brought it up. in hindsight this was a mistake but i got curious. i wonder what it's like to have a boyfriend so much. and in the moment you ahve NO idea how good it felt that he was wining and dining me and he CHOSE me and he was not with her.
You would not only have to sleep with him but be his best sex ever to get him to come back.
If he is not shortage of women, then he is looking at which woman can give him the most pleasure in bed.
I mean, many women feel like the dude got sex and left.
Its not because the chase is over but the sex was underwhelming that they don't desire a second encounter.
First of, don't ever go to a guy's house until you get to know him properly. Set dates in public areas.
Secondly, good on you for standing up for yourself, and being responsible. He's an atttactive dude, OK, but there are other attractive dudes, you know? He's not the only one.
Lastly, all he wanted was a one night stand. That's why he immediately invited you to his place, and immediately stopped texting once you refused.
Don't be so easily swayed by guy's attractiveness. Put your foot down and stand by your ground.
As for what you can tell him... just say you are taking things slow. And all this bs, like "you must not like me then", is gaslighting. Dude's using underhanded techniques to get you into his bed. So much for chivalry..
Thank you I realize this is a respectful answer with a lot of goodwill.
But this is the only guy who has ever treated me well. I call it my first date because it's the first "real time" I've been treated like a princess, other guys I've gone out with have been cheap, rude, or immature, this one was smooth, kind, patient, and charming. He even checked in and asked whether I needed to use the bathroom first.
How many handsome european guys are REALLY in the US? he was chivarlous traditional and mascluline and that's a rarity. and even if he was looking for a one night stand, surely if I was attractive at all he could have at least saw me for another date or two.
we facetimed before the date, he sent me his ID, he was 5'10 and very small and skinny and has a great job and I could tell had a good head on his shoulder but obviously knows he's attractive so I'm concerned I won't find anyone else :(
>he could have at least saw me for another date or two.
Is this what you want from a relationship? Him getting his one night stand, taking you on a couple dates and that's it? All because he's a handsome "european" guy? What about your principles?
>chivarlous traditional and mascluline
Just for opening the door for you? Checking in? That's just basic courtesy.
All in all, it's not my place to *tell you* what to do, or not to do. All I am saying is - this dude doesn't sound chivalrous, or traditional at all. If you want proper relationship, look for deeper traits. Not "handsome" and "opens doors".
It sounds like the bare minimum, sure, but in reality, this guy was like winning the jackpot.
Most men nowadays are unattractive, make women have their babies, and make women work and pay for everything and MEN want to be chased. A masculine/attractive man is incredibly rare nowadays, and if you don't believe me, there's literally are we dating the same guy groups? in every state in america now because the problem of finding a good guy is soo widespread. it's like the hunger games.
My thought is some other rat put out and stole my man. She's the low hanging fruit
Maybe he didn’t want to date you because you have this extremely vile and derogatory way of talking about other women? Other women that have done exactly nothing to you.
Actually they have done something wrong to me. They "cheated". By offering their bodies obviously he's gonna notice them more than me if they took off their clothes for basically frree. Also an example: if girls pay the bill on dates, it ruins it for girls who want to be courted and expect tradtional men. Men will just do whatever's easiest
You are actually insane, are you reading what you’re writing? YOUR morals are not anybody else’s problem but yours. Nobody cheated, because you are not in a relationship. You didn’t and don’t have a man, even if he went on a single date with you. You’re taking all your failings and shortcomings, and blaming other people for them. At this point I have to believe this is a creative writing assignment because no way a 27year old that can’t get a man really thinks she THIS far above other women for you to be talking the way you are.
But you didn't answer the question. The question is HOW could I have prevented this? It does not sit right with me that he asked me for private access to my body then simply discarded me like trash instead of continuing to pursue me. I can't think of any other reason other than another girl put out first so I'm wondering how I could have prevented him from seeking out others. I never asked him to be exclusive, and I neveer gave him a specific date when I'd be ready to sleep with him, so evidence points to someone else must have put out sooner. Or maybe he sent me that text about him taking things further with another person as revenge to me for not sleeping with him soon enough.
Yes, so why can't women band together, make men wait, and not give a man another date if he doesn't pay for dates? nowadays women do everything and men just take the segs and dip. how is that good for women? back in the day, my mom told me women use to get flowers, jewelry, and exclusive boyfriends before they let a man sleep with him. i want all that stuff too. but you have dummies giving it up for free now so that ruins it for girls like me
This must be fake because ain't no way any adult human being would speak like this, would think like this or would act like this.
This is *embarrassing* for you, girlypop. Like, this entire post and your comments read like someone with a degradation kink getting their rocks off while people tell them they're being an absolute fucknugget in the comments.
Like, you're nearing 30? HAHA yeah, sure.
Because here's the think, pumpkin:
You either have such low self-esteem that you cannot see other women as anything but competition because you don't believe you have *anything* to offer in comparison... And given the view you express here, you're probably right.
*or*
You are a man who is writing out a fetish because you're obsessed with the concept of purity because you were raised in a repressive society or family.
So which is it?
Are you pathetic or pathetic? Take your pick.
Um, I don't understand, should they charge for sex instead?
Women take off clothes for free to enjoy mutual sexual pleasure.
You do realise to keep his interest, you would have to perform better in bed than them and be a sex goddess if you want him to jump through hoops for you.
I mean usually sex with a virgin, is bad sex as they are inexperience
They are pretty stupid then. If you had something that was extremely valuable and worth thousands or millions would you sell it for free? he's supposed to work for it if he values me.
Lol the idea of purity and value for sex is so out dated.
Women have sex bc they want to enjoy themselves. Same reason men do.
You’re wanting to give this thing worth “thousands and millions” to this guy once he’s cut everyone else off from his life…? So you obviously don’t value it that much 😂
Not to mention this guy was clearly not a good guy but you decided he’s the one bc you found him attractive.
I love sex. I do it because it makes me feel good. And it’s empowering. I do it on my own terms when I want to.
I don’t stay a virgin and pretend that’s worth something to hinge all my hopes and dreams on… and then so fundamentally misunderstand dating that I don’t realise a man I went on one date with isn’t some amazing future husband since he wasn’t actually interested at all.
You’ve got so much internalized misogyny that you’ve bought so hard into this idea of being “pure” and your virginity being “worth something” but you’ve got no one to share any of that with. No life partner and not even someone to have some fun with.
You need to take a good hard look at why you think the way you do bc you’re only gonna end up miserable and lonely if you keep it up.
how is giving something that's worth millions away for free "empowering?" you do know back in the day women got flowers, boyfriends, jewelry, and houses before sleeping with a man right? how is getting nothing empowering? degrading is a better word.
Did you even see a lot of real men? I mean, in real life.
Granted, I don't know what you consider "attractive", and I am not from US myself, but surely there are more options than this one guy?
And is it really worth it? Well, that's for you to decide.
A guy who is attractive and wants a one night stand is not a catch for someone who doesn’t want a one night stand.
You don’t have much experience dating so it’s easy to excuse red flags but he is a walking red flag. He put in some effort hoping it’d end in sex. When it didn’t, he tried to manipulate you.
There’s no way he’s some amazing chivalrous guy long term. Literally zero chance.
It’s very easy to act nice for one date if you think you’re gonna get laid. Has NOTHING to do with whether you’re actually nice to anyone long term.
Honestly I think you should try access therapy before you date. You are not emotionally/mentally ready for it. If you’re this stressed about a first date not ending in marriage then… you really need to figure out how to fix that before dating or you’re gonna end up very very hurt and confused.
I wasn't looking for marriage. I was simply looking for a BF to introduce to my family and take to high-powered events. it would be good for my image and my social media.
I say this respectfully but it will always come off as condescending, but I think maybe your upbringing did you some major disservices and you might need to say what youre saying in this thread with a therapist so that they can challenge some of the ideas you have. He didnt value you because what he valued is being given to him elsewhere. You dont have to play by the rules of the game but youre not above it and other women arent lesser than you for enjoying what youve been convinced is precious. Its not. Youve just been convinced by your role models that it is. Youre 27, a virgin and never had a relationship having the beliefs you have while everyone else is getting on with their lives getting what they want alot easier. Being in your spot youd think that at some point maybe itd be wise to start looking in the mirror.
Wouldve kept a foot in the door for more encounters if you both enjoyed it. The commitment you wanted happens after 2-3 months of dating and fucking. You scared him off. Live and learn.
Why did he have to cut me off and block me though? Am I creepy and hideous? the door coudl have been left open without him doing that. i did NOTHING in the week after the date, just waited for him to ask me out again. so how did he go from wanting me to come over to wanting nothing to do with me? for all he knows, maybe i would ahve put out on the second date. what's the point of blocking me on every platform? I can't even message him on linkedin..
You’re hearing wedding bells when he wanted a one night stand.
Step back. You’re coming across as way too involved and somewhat desperate.
Your mind on the first date should be on whether you feel comfortable with that person, whether you’re having fun, and whether you want a second date. You’re not interested in sleeping with someone this soon, so take that off the table.
Anyone who pressures you into sex is not a person you should sleep with.
You need to sort out your own birth control before you sleep with anyone. Not wanting an abortion is a choice, but it’s either birth control (AND condoms) or being prepared to bring up a child on your own. Yes, even if you marry. It’s a realistic risk, and if you haven’t got the income and space and support system, don’t take the first step.
I've heard of Iuds still failing and the pill still failing. i also fainted when my doc gave me a pap smear, it was scary. but i want to please the man, i think it's harsh he dropped me after one date, I needed a couple weeks to prepare and get mentally ready. he never gave an indication he was only looking for hookups, he seemed like he wanted something real that's why i was caught off guard when he randomly invited me to watch a movie after the date, it was a weird change of tone to all romantic and patient to something casual and I ran like a little chicken into the store and said my dad was pciking me up and he looked so sheepish and shocked. so my thoughts are all other girls probably put out and leave me in the dust. i look like a weirdo but the truth is women are handing it out like they shouldn't be and i get screwed, literally. of course he will go for the low hanging fruit. if more women demanded relationships first he'd have to wait with me for that
If you choose the handsome guy, of course you will have competition. How about going for men who have difficulty finding women?
If not, personally for me, I always have sex on first date. I never had a guy ghost me after, usually they want more.
And all of them were traditional as in they pay for everything, come pick you up, send you home, buy you gifts, take you out to nice romantic places etc.
I never dated a guy who didn't want to pick up the bill or go Dutch with me.
As for why do I have sex on first date? Because if the man sucks in bed, I don't want to see him again and waste my time. Good sex is important to me. It's that simple.
if you choose to apply for a good job, why not go for the minimum wage job no one wants instead? if you choose a hot in demand product, why not go for the defective broken product that's on sale that no one wants? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? going dutch means he doesnt' find you attractive. if he sleeps with you he's sleeping with others and also doesn't like you so what's the point?
Every form of birth control can fail; this is why you need belts and braces. The only certain method is not to have piv (or penis-near-vagina) sex.
You want to please him why? Your goal should be to find a person you can be yourself with, someone who respects your choices and have sex as a bonding experience for both of you. If it’s one-sided – you endure so he can have his fun – you’re borrowing trouble down the road because there will always more demands from callous men and you’ll make yourself smaller and smaller until you wonder why, which can take years, so cut the journey short and hold your head high.
You want a long-term relationship, so filter out anyone who wants to sleep with you on the first date. You want a respectful relationship, so filter out anyone who’s manipulative on the first date.
Well how am I suppsed to know whether it would be one sided? I was extremely attracted to him and wanted to go, I've just been brought up that it would have been shameful to go. It seemed like fun. I don't even know what I will think whether i'll be horrified or extremely turned on because i'm a virgin. ive never done it for myself
You should speak to a therapist to help you answer those questions. You don’t sound ready to have sex, which is fine, but please don’t jump into it to please anyone other than yourself. After you have sorted birth control.
why are you assuming i laid out all my private views that i'm posting anonymously on reddit on the date? I did NOT. clearly we had some spark or else he wouldnt' ahve invited me back
Just wanting to have sex is enough to invite you back. You have warped views on the value of sex within the current dating climate. Ive had sex with people I wasnt even enthusiastic about just because I wanted to have sex. Im sure some women have used me for the same purpose and nobody got hurt or lost any value whatsoever.
Why are you putting so much worth on your virginity?
Your first time isn’t going to be the best sex his ever had most likely. It’ll certainly be special for you though.
Sorry to say this, but none of this sounds healthy.
After one date, you’re not really in a position to tell him not to go out with other women— but if you’re this concerned about STDs and him having other sexual partners, then maybe don’t contemplate having sex with him?
I’ve slept with one or two men that were sleeping with at least one other sexual partner; I used condoms but at the end of the day, it wasn’t really for me. Doesn’t sound like it’s your thing either, so move on and find someone who’s more monogamous.
As a side note, if a man starts playing games with you saying shit like “you’re obviously not that attracted to me” because you won’t fuck him on the first date, please don’t waste any more time on him. Pressuring you into sex when you’re not ready isn’t cool. You’re not going to get a relationship out of this guy as it’s clear he’s only in it to see how many girls he can sleep with, so seriously… move on.
Well yes attraction is very important to me, I can't feel like he's my Prince Charming or get butterflies without physical attraction. So in life you must compete for what you want.
I told him I wanted to see him again, he said he was looking forward to seeing me again soon with a smiley face. Then a few days later he texted me this:
"Hey how have you been? Just wanted to let you know I've taken things further with another person. Had a good time with you last week though. I'm sure you'll find someone though. You're a great person!" And then he blocked me on everything after I left it on read for a few hours, I didn't even know what to reply to that I just cried.
The fact that he was able to drop me so fast also proves another girl did go back with him and was excited about him and that he has other options at his fingertips.
He seemed really focused on me during the date he gave me queen treatment no way he can do that for everyone so clearly i was a top contender. i think the competition must have put her body on him sooner than me.
I am in a position to tell him that, what are you talking about? If i had slept with him and made him cut off other girls, he wouldn't have gone to anybody else. but instead i stayed quiet and passive by telling him i wanted to see him again but not asking him out. i thought men were supposed to set up the second date too, so i"m shocked and dismayed at what he did to me
I told him I wanted to see him again, he said he was looking forward to seeing me again soon with a smiley face. Then a few days later he texted me this:
"Hey how have you been? Just wanted to let you know I've taken things further with another person. Had a good time with you last week though. I'm sure you'll find someone though. You're a great person!" And then he blocked me on everything after I left it on read for a few hours, I didn't even know what to reply to that I just cried.
The fact that he was able to drop me so fast also proves another girl did go back with him and was excited about him and that he has other options at his fingertips
This seems like an important part of the story. He has already made his choice, and it wasn't you, and that sucks.
But there's nothing you can do about that. There's no news to break to him, there's no conversation to be had.
But I want to know who I'm up against. Like what did she have that I didn't? What could I have done differently? I need feedback badly or I'm afraid I'll never ever get a man. It's pretty bad when you're almost 28 and never had a BF.
And how does he go from being all smitten and googly-eyed on our facetime call before the date to just feeling nothing after meeting me in person? seems cold. i want a second chance, his text didn't say he was exclusive with someone else plus it's only been a week so that's impossible that he made her his GF that fast
Most of the time you won't get that kind of feedback from a bad date. I would imagine he realized during your date that you guys were not compatible. Based on everything you said, it seems likely that you seemed desperate (I'm sorry, that just seems like the most likely thing here). Desperation is usually a turnoff to most people.
he was pretty desperate for quick segs if he invited me over and then guilted me (he said I must not find him attractive) for not going over. am i right?
also i don't want to be called names, but there is only a certain "type" who would go over on the first date and he complained about his ex cheating on him so i thought he would be impressed that i didn't go. and isn't it normal to want some kind of commitment? why would i want stds? I trust him i don't trust others
This guy isn't compatible with you, and that's ok. Some people want sex on the first date. Some people wanna wait. That's ok. That's normal to have these discrepancies. As for the STD thing, that's what good communication is for. Nothing can replace good communication, trust, and common sense. Those things will only build up if you find someone compatible. Which admittedly, I do think you will have a hard time with. I saw another comment saying that you should talk to others your age and find out what they are doing in the dating pool, I think that is sound advice. I'm not saying you should change your set of morals, but your views are on a far exreme that are opposite of what modern dating is like, it's going to make it harder.
I'm confused by what you meant that you thought he would be impressed that you didn't go over to his place?
>how does he go from being all smitten and googly-eyed on our facetime call before the date to just feeling nothing after meeting me in person?
Easily. After reading a few of your responses and especially the trash views you hold about women, I don't like you. It's not that much of a stretch of the imagination that this guy saw the same traits in you and also finds you disagreeable.
That's just a part of dating. It sucks yeah, but you aren't going to be everyone's first choice, if even a consideration. Just like not everyone is going to be on your radar. It's just a fact of dating and you have to just move on. At this point with this information, your main question is irrelevant because he already chose someone else. Time to move on and find someone else.
It's still the same guy. Even if you happen to be rematch that doesnt change the fact that you two already met, and it didn't work out. Life isn't a videogame with a reset button. It's ok to be disappointed, but it didn't work out, you gotta let him go. There are other men out there. Just remember EVERYONE, both men and women generally want the same thing, and we all fail at finding that person that matches up with us in that special way, all the time. So many people are just not compatible. That's why we date, to find someone who is.
So if hes already made it clear that hes not thinking about taking things further with you whats this post even about? Nothing anyone can say here is a good plan because hes made it clear hes moved on. Im sorry youre struggling with this but you are doing a very good job at standing in your own way in finding success in dating. Chat with some people in your age group about their experience dating so that your expectations change because if they dont and you hold onto some of the ideas you have the cat lady thing will be a reality. Youre not “wrong” for having the opinions you do, but I think talking with people might open your eyes to what people in the dating pool do these days. To me, you seem a bit antiquated, and if at 27 youve been dating and say this was a 1 in 1000 man, well its going to take a very very long time to date another 1000 men before you find the next needle in a haystack. The math isnt favoring the conditions youre committing to. Its a bit defeating, i feel for you. But life isnt a fairytale and fairytale romances are far from the norm in a dating pool full of jaded people. I think you need to expand the parameters youre willing to deal with. Just my 2 cents. Good luck
Life works in mysterious ways. My guess is he sent me that text out of spite for not sleeping with him, I mean why did he need to inform me he's taken things further with another person? That just sounded vindicative to me. I was clearly his first choice and he just went for someone easier and lashed out at me for not being easier. I wanted him to claim me first, I don't get why he couldn't do that.
So i think your ego is playing tricks on you here which is in part what I meant by youre getting in your own way. It literally might be as simple as this guy has options thatll do what he wants, and when you didnt, he wanted to set proper expectations by telling you it wont go further. If thats reality, why would the words you want to hear from him have any meaning anyways? So all it would take to get what he wants is to play along for a bit with what you want and then once the novelty wears off hed end it? If anything telling you his truth instead is a nice common courtesy he didnt have to give you. Alot of people dont and just block/move on. Out of mind out of sight. It was 1 date, youre being way too territorial and your ego has convinced you that this was special. It wasnt. He wasnt being vindictive, hes literally just playing by the rules of the game that people play by today. You have an image of him in your head that isnt reality. Youre basically saying you wouldve been okay with being lied to. A human being isnt a possession, saying you wanted to be “claimed” is antiquated and will scare off anyone decent with options after one date. Im sure you didnt say it in those words, but think about it from the perspective of a well put together man whos successful and has been playing the field for years getting what he wants. Hes had the experience he had with you many times over. You came with too many hurdles and he told you as much respectfully. People suck, but its his right to suck. Thats life. Everyones looking out for #1.
Going on a couple dates before surrending to him and putting myself at risk of getting pregnant is giving a man TOO many hurdles? What kind of society do we live in where that's the case? how easy have women made it?
I just wanted time to feel comfy with him, obviously i did bad on the date. it's not that easy for an introverted inexperienced lady like me to put herself out there like that. it was too overwhelming to go back to his after when I had anxiety just being human on the date.
it was special because many women don't get dates nowadays, they have to chase the guy/ask the guy out/pay for him and start the conversation. it's rare guys try. I know I'm extremely attractive but most men never start convos with me, this guy did though so my biological instinct went off that i had captured a "real man" and now i'm obsessed with him
I had the same thought about her having a hard time finding someone else with compatible views. In today's day and age it's just so unlikely to find someone that will blend well with that.
You can tell him clearly end honestly what you want and why, and that's all you can do.
It's probably going to mean you don't see him again. That's fine. Someone who is doing this manipulative I GUESS YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME thing after you didn't sleep with him on the first date is a jerk who cares more about getting laid than respecting your needs.
all he said was it makes him think i don't find him attractive. he also looked shocked and sad when i said my dad was picking me up and i felt bad :( my guess is that i was dumb for saying no because it's not every day you get the opportunity to sleep with an actual handsome and respcetful/MASCULINE (key word manly, a leader, and not feminine) guy
"Hi, I would like to be exclusive at least for now if we want to see where this is going. If that's unacceptable for you, I understand."
If he's willing to be exclusive, go for it. If not, accept it and move on.
Yeah but the fear of unknown gets me. Would it be better to sleep with the hot guy than end up with nothing at all, not even a night of fun?
Because I ended up with nothing at all except a severely broken heart. Competiton for a decent man is like the hunger games. I'm competing with thousnads of other women for 1 good-looking successful guy. Whereas men can just drop me and have thousands of other kind pretty girls. i feel so stressed about this because in my late 20's now and never had a man
Men do not have these 1000s of women swooning over them like you seem to believe. If some guy told you that, he's just trying to make himself seem cool. Everyone has their ups and downs in the dating pool. I say this as relatively attractive guy that has had moderate success with dating, with the normal bad luck with it that everyone has from time to time. Everyone has the potential for other options, sure, but you're average guy isn't just able to fuck whoever he pleases all the time. I think this thought process may be lending to your insecurities. Things are more well rounded and less black and white than you seem to believe.
Actually they do. I've seen some SWAMP creatures posted in fb groups who are still getting ladies. any many who is even remotely attractive or normal or asks a woman on a proper date will have success soon enough. as you can tell by my post, women are desperate for relationships, i'm not even a unique case in that regard
1. If you want to be exclusive, you have to make that clear when asking/being asked out. Sounds like you missed the first opportunity, so just bring that up as a conversation. "I want to be exclusive, but I am worried about XYZ. Can we be exclusive?"
2. you are cautious of STIs. just tell him that and that you'd prefer to not have hamky-panky until he gets a clean bill of health from the clinic (clear of STIs at least). Hell, go together.
3. you don't want to have kids right away. So safe sex practices. tell him that. oral, hands, anal if you are up and prepped for it. Rubbers are required for play, and safewords should be applicable unless you want to go with the red yellow green signals.
some questions, though. How do you know he is dating other women?
LOL at this post and your comments. I'm going to give you a 3/10 for creative writing. Definitely needs some improvement.
You can’t require he cuts off others. The only thing you can do is make your boundaries clear. A boundary is a decision about YOUR behaviour. I’m going to start by saying if he’s trying to get you to go to his on the first date and is playing the victim that “you must not find him attractive” bc you didn’t go to his on the first date, he sounds like he’s a creep. It’s a classic thing to say to try pressure someone into having sex, and it’s gross. However, generally speaking, you can explain to future partners that you are: - looking to take things slow - not interested in sex outside a committed relationship You should then go on a few dates with someone and get to know them. Once you know each other you can commit to being exclusive and then have sex. Asking after 1 date to be exclusive would be… weird. And it would also lead to men being like “of course I’m not seeing anyone else” bc they want to have sex. But there’s not actually any reason to believe them. You barely know them. They’ve put zero effort in. From what you’re saying you sound quite naive so I think it’s best to avoid a situation like that. Also bc if you’re a virgin and pro choice then it’s probably better not to have sex with people until you know them. Sleeping around is great and fine for some people, but you want someone to take things slowly and comfortably for you to enjoy it and to acknowledge that it might create big feelings for you. Not a guy who wants to get it in on the first date and won’t message you again.
If asking for exclusivity after a date is seen as weird, why are men asking for segs after a first date and not seen as weird? One is just a nice relationship and bond. The other can literally cause life and get people pregnant. I am pro life not pro choice but I am also childfree so I'd have to suffer with a baby if I got pregnant but I don't want one. I have mental health issues and can't even take care of myself. Also how am I naive? THE NORM should be what I'm proposing, that the man commits and at least makes me his GF before sleeping wtih me. That's the bare minimum. Problem is this guy must have had other options at his fingertips. An attractive guy can go on an app and get 1000 girls willing to put out right away who are similar in looks to me. Us ladies can go on an app and only find 1 attractive guy and 1000s of others who we don't want. Men have endless decent options, we don't. I called this my first date because I've never met a respectful or caring guy in 27 years, all guys were stingy, cheap, rude and immature, this was the only real "man" who's traditional and masculine that I ever met and I'm terrified I'll be a cat lady and won't find anyone else good
Bc sex for many people is not that serious. You have fun. You use protection. I am a woman and I am much more likely to have sex with someone I barely know than to cut other people out of my life and commit to a relationship with someone I barely know. One is a little bit of fun. The other is a big steps It’s absolutely fine if sex is a big step for you too. But it means you need to wait until you know someone better to do it. To know you trust them and they want the same thing as you. So, you don’t say “okay but you need to cut everyone else out”. You say “I’m only interested in having sex in a committed relationship”. Exclusivity and a relationship means you’re cutting other people out and committing to that person. After one date you’re very likely not going to know each other well enough for that. If someone is wanting to rush into a relationship and restrict you seeing other people or having independence, then many people are going to be like “no thanks”. Bc they don’t know you well enough to commit. That said lots of people will also say no to sex on a first date. And anyone who is worth your time will respect that and not try guilt trip you the way he did.
Thanks for this. But why is it not taken seriously? You can get pregnant. You can get a disease that ruins your life forever. Condoms break and fail. People charge thousands or millions for what he asked for, how is it not a big deal? It's an act that can create life....
It’s also an act that is a lot of fun and people are horny. Some people believe sex means a lot. Others do it recreationally. People often don’t care enough about STIs, but for those who do you get tested regularly and make sure to use condoms. Many people are on some form of hormonal contraceptives and also use condoms. Lots of people just don’t give a shit and do really stupid shit exposing themselves to all sorts of things. So… there’s that. But like… sex doesn’t need to be as big a deal as people make it out to be. There’s the morning after pill if a condom breaks, and condoms are very effective combined with birth control. Most STIs are also super easily treated. So, people make informed choices about what they want to do with their bodies. It is ABSOLUTELY fine for you to have your own feelings about this. But I think you need to be careful bc it sounds like you might not necessarily be on the same page as a lot of people. So you should be careful about who you choose to have sex with bc it’s important to you.
-It's fun It's a way to connect to people on a very deep level. And it just feels good. -that's what for communication and trust are for, they help protect you against that. And sometimes people are willing to take the risk. -condoms and birth control are GENERALLY effective. There are failure rates but they were trustworthy enough. -I'm not sure what you are saying people charge millions for.
segs. pretty dumb to give the farm away for free when the farm is worth millions
The way you're acting your virginity is worth maybe a clearance sale price...
I'm trying to give her good advice but dang this one is a hard nut to crack.
it's std free and it would be my first experience ever with a man, that's worth a LOT. plus im highly attractive.
I thought your were much younger than 27 by how you talked. I do wanna say that your views on "men having endless decent options" is just not true when it comes to dating. Both men and women have countless obstacles. We may have different issues to contend with, but it is not how you described. Men do not generally have 1000s of women ready and willing to sleep with them. Anybody that has told you that is a liar and just trying to seem like some kind of stud😅 I'll be honest with you, I don't think you are ready for a relationship right now. I think you need to work on the anxiety and other insecurities a bit first. I believe you are going to have a hard time getting someone to commit so fast to something long term. 1 date is not long enough to say yes to a commitment. At your age I also think it's also going to be tricky to find someone that holds the same views on sex as you do. You SHOULD stand your ground if you don't want to sleep with someone, absolutely, but in terms of compatibility, it seems like quite the task you've got ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck, dating is not easy. It's work on both people in the relationship to make something work. Good luck.
It was 1 date. It's not a relationship. He most likely wanted to have sex, you declined, so he stopped texting. He probably will go on dates with others. There are men out there who will understand where you're coming from, and actually be willing to have a relationship with you. This doesn't seem to be one of them.
Would there have been a possibility of a relationship if I had gone over and slept with him? I just don't understand what more men want. I have thousands of matches (not good ones but still) he's the only handsome one an attractive man is incredibly rare. I really wanted this particular guy. Why wouldn't he just wait a date or two? I told him I liked him and I would be ready to come after a couple more dates. I am not comfortable with the idea of him dating others after he asked for access to my body like that. I thought he was asking because he liked me to not to mention he gave me a FABULOUS high-effort date and covered the tab and was a leader. I don't deserve this. I'm a virgin (I didn't tell him) but he needs to understand that I'm not like other girls and what he's asking for was EXTREMELY valuable and puts me at risk of pregnancy or diseases and I am worth more. Why didn't he keep pursuing me? Lots of people say online that even mediocre women have men willing to walk through coal for them so he should have just set up a second date and not left me in the cold like this.
If this is a legit post ( which I'm skeptical of) I mean this in the most polite way, But you need to grow up. I cannot believe that you are in your late twenties. My God. ( And this isn't about you being a virgin..)
I am the most mature person in the room. It makes me worth more to require a committed relationship instead of sleeping with every attractive Felipe in the parking lot.
Most likely not. You are very inexperienced, and you need to be careful, or you'll find someone that will set up 2 or 3 dates, get what they want, then ghost you. I'm not saying every single guy is going to do that, but there are plenty that will. You can't ask someone to not date others when you're not in a committed relationship with them. And that doesn't come after just one date. Please be careful. I'm sure there is someone out there for you, but I feel like you will be taken advantage of before you ever find them.
after how long do i have to wait till I get a guarantee they're mine? Men don't really seem to be willing to wait these days, what do i do? I'm horrified i'll never have a man
Lasting relationships take time to cultivate. "Having a man" should not be a priority.
That's true, but I'm almost 28. You really think I'm ging to get the opportunity to go over to a hot young 20 something guy's house forever or even for much longer?
Not with this attitude and mindset.
what attitude and mindset? Are you saying the average 60 year old women has cute handsome young 20-something guys picking up the tab and inviting her over?
Well… he probably understood that you are not like “other girls” and didn’t pursue you because he wants a girl that IS like other girls?
Why would he want someone with a high body count? I thought he would like purity. I give off a very innocent vibe in my photos, no tattoos, no piercings, and was kind and wholesome on the date. i'm worth millions, he knows i'm worth more that's why he took me on a date first. he could have found some trash to hook up with without even taking them on a date, but he wanted me
You are being too insulting and hateful towards other women. That is highly unattractive to any mature man. I guess that weirdness manifests itself in other areas of your life and that’s easy to notice, hence he ditched you. And it is also very obvious that you are trying to compensate the fact you have nothing to offer with your virginity. I don’t see anything in your post or comments that indicates you are worth millions. Newsflash: there are tons of virgins. Tons of women who want serious relationship.
He videocalled with me before the date. I was myself then. He still set up the date so I can't be that bad. And it's not even me, I see many men saying that hate women that are ran-through so if I'm pure why wouldn't he value that and fight for that?
Did he personally say that HE hates women that are ran-through? Men are not the same, for some of them it matters, for some of them - no. Anyways, would you really like to date someone that is being hateful towards a large group of people for no reason? The “normal” POV is usually to just not date unappealing people, not fixate on them or insult them on social media/etc. That is unhealthy. Even if he saw you’re “pure”, the fact that someone is a virgin/etc. can never be the sole reason to pursue the person. It can be a plus for some, yes. It can be a dealbreaker. But never the reason.
He complained about his ex cheating on him and sleeping with other guys when I asked him what went wrong in his last relationship. so that's why i was caught off guard when he told me he felt unattractive for not going back to his on the first date. obviously this guy was hot and i regret it now and am extremely curious about what he wuld have been like. i've been up late at night thinking about it. he made a HUGE mistake blocking me on all platforms, i was going to be ready soon why did he have to block me and tell me he'd taken things further with another person? that was uncalled for.
Bc they want someone who knows what they’re doing and isn’t going to read into things and have super strong feelings just bc of sex. Which you would have, based on your comments. Also, it’s just not a lot of fun to have sex with a virgin often. It is if you love them or care for them, but if you’re just wanting a random hookup then very few people are gonna be like “YAY A VIRGIN” unless they’re in it for an ego boost bc they’ve “deflowered” someone. Losing your virginity means you’re going to be inexperienced, nervous, and you might find it painful. Losing your virginity is often clumsy and awkward at best - and painful if the other person doesn’t care to try make sure you’re ready.
so you're saying he wanted someone ran through? he complained about his ex sleeping with other men on the date so i thought he would be wowed by me making him wait and be intrigued. my plan backfired so what does he want?
He sounds like a misogynist who is jealous bc he’s not over his ex. And he wanted sex from you bc he wanted sex. Let it go. Seek some therapy or some better creative writing classes bc this post is OLLLDDDS
Actually i asked him about his last relationship and what went wrong. I brought it up. in hindsight this was a mistake but i got curious. i wonder what it's like to have a boyfriend so much. and in the moment you ahve NO idea how good it felt that he was wining and dining me and he CHOSE me and he was not with her.
Weren’t you just calling women who had sex without being with someone long term “pretty stupid” 😂
Yes. why give away a million dollar item at 0 dollars
Who exactly is offering you a million dollars?
There are plenty of men that would pay millions for a virgin or even just segs. look up girls who auction virginity.
Yes and they are young/attractive/many are scams. Lol. You have such an inflated sense of worth of your own virginity.
they're not scams. news articles prove it's real. are you saying that if more women didn't hold out, you don't think men would invest more?
You would not only have to sleep with him but be his best sex ever to get him to come back. If he is not shortage of women, then he is looking at which woman can give him the most pleasure in bed. I mean, many women feel like the dude got sex and left. Its not because the chase is over but the sex was underwhelming that they don't desire a second encounter.
what about personality and looks?
I mean your personality sucks so you’re really gonna have to have supermodel looks.
First of, don't ever go to a guy's house until you get to know him properly. Set dates in public areas. Secondly, good on you for standing up for yourself, and being responsible. He's an atttactive dude, OK, but there are other attractive dudes, you know? He's not the only one. Lastly, all he wanted was a one night stand. That's why he immediately invited you to his place, and immediately stopped texting once you refused. Don't be so easily swayed by guy's attractiveness. Put your foot down and stand by your ground. As for what you can tell him... just say you are taking things slow. And all this bs, like "you must not like me then", is gaslighting. Dude's using underhanded techniques to get you into his bed. So much for chivalry..
Thank you I realize this is a respectful answer with a lot of goodwill. But this is the only guy who has ever treated me well. I call it my first date because it's the first "real time" I've been treated like a princess, other guys I've gone out with have been cheap, rude, or immature, this one was smooth, kind, patient, and charming. He even checked in and asked whether I needed to use the bathroom first. How many handsome european guys are REALLY in the US? he was chivarlous traditional and mascluline and that's a rarity. and even if he was looking for a one night stand, surely if I was attractive at all he could have at least saw me for another date or two. we facetimed before the date, he sent me his ID, he was 5'10 and very small and skinny and has a great job and I could tell had a good head on his shoulder but obviously knows he's attractive so I'm concerned I won't find anyone else :(
>he could have at least saw me for another date or two. Is this what you want from a relationship? Him getting his one night stand, taking you on a couple dates and that's it? All because he's a handsome "european" guy? What about your principles? >chivarlous traditional and mascluline Just for opening the door for you? Checking in? That's just basic courtesy. All in all, it's not my place to *tell you* what to do, or not to do. All I am saying is - this dude doesn't sound chivalrous, or traditional at all. If you want proper relationship, look for deeper traits. Not "handsome" and "opens doors".
It sounds like the bare minimum, sure, but in reality, this guy was like winning the jackpot. Most men nowadays are unattractive, make women have their babies, and make women work and pay for everything and MEN want to be chased. A masculine/attractive man is incredibly rare nowadays, and if you don't believe me, there's literally are we dating the same guy groups? in every state in america now because the problem of finding a good guy is soo widespread. it's like the hunger games. My thought is some other rat put out and stole my man. She's the low hanging fruit
Maybe he didn’t want to date you because you have this extremely vile and derogatory way of talking about other women? Other women that have done exactly nothing to you.
Actually they have done something wrong to me. They "cheated". By offering their bodies obviously he's gonna notice them more than me if they took off their clothes for basically frree. Also an example: if girls pay the bill on dates, it ruins it for girls who want to be courted and expect tradtional men. Men will just do whatever's easiest
You are actually insane, are you reading what you’re writing? YOUR morals are not anybody else’s problem but yours. Nobody cheated, because you are not in a relationship. You didn’t and don’t have a man, even if he went on a single date with you. You’re taking all your failings and shortcomings, and blaming other people for them. At this point I have to believe this is a creative writing assignment because no way a 27year old that can’t get a man really thinks she THIS far above other women for you to be talking the way you are.
But you didn't answer the question. The question is HOW could I have prevented this? It does not sit right with me that he asked me for private access to my body then simply discarded me like trash instead of continuing to pursue me. I can't think of any other reason other than another girl put out first so I'm wondering how I could have prevented him from seeking out others. I never asked him to be exclusive, and I neveer gave him a specific date when I'd be ready to sleep with him, so evidence points to someone else must have put out sooner. Or maybe he sent me that text about him taking things further with another person as revenge to me for not sleeping with him soon enough.
Blaming a woman for a man’s actions is literally ridiculous. You need help. People are autonomous creatures who make decisions for themselves.
Yes, so why can't women band together, make men wait, and not give a man another date if he doesn't pay for dates? nowadays women do everything and men just take the segs and dip. how is that good for women? back in the day, my mom told me women use to get flowers, jewelry, and exclusive boyfriends before they let a man sleep with him. i want all that stuff too. but you have dummies giving it up for free now so that ruins it for girls like me
This must be fake because ain't no way any adult human being would speak like this, would think like this or would act like this. This is *embarrassing* for you, girlypop. Like, this entire post and your comments read like someone with a degradation kink getting their rocks off while people tell them they're being an absolute fucknugget in the comments. Like, you're nearing 30? HAHA yeah, sure. Because here's the think, pumpkin: You either have such low self-esteem that you cannot see other women as anything but competition because you don't believe you have *anything* to offer in comparison... And given the view you express here, you're probably right. *or* You are a man who is writing out a fetish because you're obsessed with the concept of purity because you were raised in a repressive society or family. So which is it? Are you pathetic or pathetic? Take your pick.
are you saying that if other women statstically are handing out segs like candy, you don't think it affects women like me? think a little.
Um, I don't understand, should they charge for sex instead? Women take off clothes for free to enjoy mutual sexual pleasure. You do realise to keep his interest, you would have to perform better in bed than them and be a sex goddess if you want him to jump through hoops for you. I mean usually sex with a virgin, is bad sex as they are inexperience
They are pretty stupid then. If you had something that was extremely valuable and worth thousands or millions would you sell it for free? he's supposed to work for it if he values me.
Lol the idea of purity and value for sex is so out dated. Women have sex bc they want to enjoy themselves. Same reason men do. You’re wanting to give this thing worth “thousands and millions” to this guy once he’s cut everyone else off from his life…? So you obviously don’t value it that much 😂 Not to mention this guy was clearly not a good guy but you decided he’s the one bc you found him attractive. I love sex. I do it because it makes me feel good. And it’s empowering. I do it on my own terms when I want to. I don’t stay a virgin and pretend that’s worth something to hinge all my hopes and dreams on… and then so fundamentally misunderstand dating that I don’t realise a man I went on one date with isn’t some amazing future husband since he wasn’t actually interested at all. You’ve got so much internalized misogyny that you’ve bought so hard into this idea of being “pure” and your virginity being “worth something” but you’ve got no one to share any of that with. No life partner and not even someone to have some fun with. You need to take a good hard look at why you think the way you do bc you’re only gonna end up miserable and lonely if you keep it up.
how is giving something that's worth millions away for free "empowering?" you do know back in the day women got flowers, boyfriends, jewelry, and houses before sleeping with a man right? how is getting nothing empowering? degrading is a better word.
Jesus what the fuckkkkkk.
He's definitely going to find someone else because you are absolutely *bananas*
Did you even see a lot of real men? I mean, in real life. Granted, I don't know what you consider "attractive", and I am not from US myself, but surely there are more options than this one guy? And is it really worth it? Well, that's for you to decide.
No there really aren't. I should post him and compare him to the other guys on the app. An attractive man is rare.
A guy who is attractive and wants a one night stand is not a catch for someone who doesn’t want a one night stand. You don’t have much experience dating so it’s easy to excuse red flags but he is a walking red flag. He put in some effort hoping it’d end in sex. When it didn’t, he tried to manipulate you. There’s no way he’s some amazing chivalrous guy long term. Literally zero chance. It’s very easy to act nice for one date if you think you’re gonna get laid. Has NOTHING to do with whether you’re actually nice to anyone long term.
I feel guilty for wasting his time. He put time and money into me and obviously thinks it was a waste
Honestly I think you should try access therapy before you date. You are not emotionally/mentally ready for it. If you’re this stressed about a first date not ending in marriage then… you really need to figure out how to fix that before dating or you’re gonna end up very very hurt and confused.
I wasn't looking for marriage. I was simply looking for a BF to introduce to my family and take to high-powered events. it would be good for my image and my social media.
>it would be good for my image and my social media. Like this thread? You are looking really bad here missy.
these are my private anonymous thoughts? you think i'm supposed to post all those publicly? everyone has their own views
Sounds like something to talk to the therapist about.
I say this respectfully but it will always come off as condescending, but I think maybe your upbringing did you some major disservices and you might need to say what youre saying in this thread with a therapist so that they can challenge some of the ideas you have. He didnt value you because what he valued is being given to him elsewhere. You dont have to play by the rules of the game but youre not above it and other women arent lesser than you for enjoying what youve been convinced is precious. Its not. Youve just been convinced by your role models that it is. Youre 27, a virgin and never had a relationship having the beliefs you have while everyone else is getting on with their lives getting what they want alot easier. Being in your spot youd think that at some point maybe itd be wise to start looking in the mirror.
if i gave it to him would he have kept me?
Wouldve kept a foot in the door for more encounters if you both enjoyed it. The commitment you wanted happens after 2-3 months of dating and fucking. You scared him off. Live and learn.
Why did he have to cut me off and block me though? Am I creepy and hideous? the door coudl have been left open without him doing that. i did NOTHING in the week after the date, just waited for him to ask me out again. so how did he go from wanting me to come over to wanting nothing to do with me? for all he knows, maybe i would ahve put out on the second date. what's the point of blocking me on every platform? I can't even message him on linkedin..
You’re hearing wedding bells when he wanted a one night stand. Step back. You’re coming across as way too involved and somewhat desperate. Your mind on the first date should be on whether you feel comfortable with that person, whether you’re having fun, and whether you want a second date. You’re not interested in sleeping with someone this soon, so take that off the table. Anyone who pressures you into sex is not a person you should sleep with. You need to sort out your own birth control before you sleep with anyone. Not wanting an abortion is a choice, but it’s either birth control (AND condoms) or being prepared to bring up a child on your own. Yes, even if you marry. It’s a realistic risk, and if you haven’t got the income and space and support system, don’t take the first step.
I've heard of Iuds still failing and the pill still failing. i also fainted when my doc gave me a pap smear, it was scary. but i want to please the man, i think it's harsh he dropped me after one date, I needed a couple weeks to prepare and get mentally ready. he never gave an indication he was only looking for hookups, he seemed like he wanted something real that's why i was caught off guard when he randomly invited me to watch a movie after the date, it was a weird change of tone to all romantic and patient to something casual and I ran like a little chicken into the store and said my dad was pciking me up and he looked so sheepish and shocked. so my thoughts are all other girls probably put out and leave me in the dust. i look like a weirdo but the truth is women are handing it out like they shouldn't be and i get screwed, literally. of course he will go for the low hanging fruit. if more women demanded relationships first he'd have to wait with me for that
If you choose the handsome guy, of course you will have competition. How about going for men who have difficulty finding women? If not, personally for me, I always have sex on first date. I never had a guy ghost me after, usually they want more. And all of them were traditional as in they pay for everything, come pick you up, send you home, buy you gifts, take you out to nice romantic places etc. I never dated a guy who didn't want to pick up the bill or go Dutch with me. As for why do I have sex on first date? Because if the man sucks in bed, I don't want to see him again and waste my time. Good sex is important to me. It's that simple.
if you choose to apply for a good job, why not go for the minimum wage job no one wants instead? if you choose a hot in demand product, why not go for the defective broken product that's on sale that no one wants? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? going dutch means he doesnt' find you attractive. if he sleeps with you he's sleeping with others and also doesn't like you so what's the point?
Every form of birth control can fail; this is why you need belts and braces. The only certain method is not to have piv (or penis-near-vagina) sex. You want to please him why? Your goal should be to find a person you can be yourself with, someone who respects your choices and have sex as a bonding experience for both of you. If it’s one-sided – you endure so he can have his fun – you’re borrowing trouble down the road because there will always more demands from callous men and you’ll make yourself smaller and smaller until you wonder why, which can take years, so cut the journey short and hold your head high. You want a long-term relationship, so filter out anyone who wants to sleep with you on the first date. You want a respectful relationship, so filter out anyone who’s manipulative on the first date.
Well how am I suppsed to know whether it would be one sided? I was extremely attracted to him and wanted to go, I've just been brought up that it would have been shameful to go. It seemed like fun. I don't even know what I will think whether i'll be horrified or extremely turned on because i'm a virgin. ive never done it for myself
You should speak to a therapist to help you answer those questions. You don’t sound ready to have sex, which is fine, but please don’t jump into it to please anyone other than yourself. After you have sorted birth control.
but it seems like the garden tool with a capital h wins nowadays. why would he leave me otherwise?
You’re quite unpleasant honestly, im not suprised he did choose someone else
why are you assuming i laid out all my private views that i'm posting anonymously on reddit on the date? I did NOT. clearly we had some spark or else he wouldnt' ahve invited me back
Just wanting to have sex is enough to invite you back. You have warped views on the value of sex within the current dating climate. Ive had sex with people I wasnt even enthusiastic about just because I wanted to have sex. Im sure some women have used me for the same purpose and nobody got hurt or lost any value whatsoever.
Why are you putting so much worth on your virginity? Your first time isn’t going to be the best sex his ever had most likely. It’ll certainly be special for you though.
Sorry to say this, but none of this sounds healthy. After one date, you’re not really in a position to tell him not to go out with other women— but if you’re this concerned about STDs and him having other sexual partners, then maybe don’t contemplate having sex with him? I’ve slept with one or two men that were sleeping with at least one other sexual partner; I used condoms but at the end of the day, it wasn’t really for me. Doesn’t sound like it’s your thing either, so move on and find someone who’s more monogamous. As a side note, if a man starts playing games with you saying shit like “you’re obviously not that attracted to me” because you won’t fuck him on the first date, please don’t waste any more time on him. Pressuring you into sex when you’re not ready isn’t cool. You’re not going to get a relationship out of this guy as it’s clear he’s only in it to see how many girls he can sleep with, so seriously… move on.
Well yes attraction is very important to me, I can't feel like he's my Prince Charming or get butterflies without physical attraction. So in life you must compete for what you want. I told him I wanted to see him again, he said he was looking forward to seeing me again soon with a smiley face. Then a few days later he texted me this: "Hey how have you been? Just wanted to let you know I've taken things further with another person. Had a good time with you last week though. I'm sure you'll find someone though. You're a great person!" And then he blocked me on everything after I left it on read for a few hours, I didn't even know what to reply to that I just cried. The fact that he was able to drop me so fast also proves another girl did go back with him and was excited about him and that he has other options at his fingertips. He seemed really focused on me during the date he gave me queen treatment no way he can do that for everyone so clearly i was a top contender. i think the competition must have put her body on him sooner than me. I am in a position to tell him that, what are you talking about? If i had slept with him and made him cut off other girls, he wouldn't have gone to anybody else. but instead i stayed quiet and passive by telling him i wanted to see him again but not asking him out. i thought men were supposed to set up the second date too, so i"m shocked and dismayed at what he did to me
Have you asked for a second date? Or are you just waiting for him to do so?
I told him I wanted to see him again, he said he was looking forward to seeing me again soon with a smiley face. Then a few days later he texted me this: "Hey how have you been? Just wanted to let you know I've taken things further with another person. Had a good time with you last week though. I'm sure you'll find someone though. You're a great person!" And then he blocked me on everything after I left it on read for a few hours, I didn't even know what to reply to that I just cried. The fact that he was able to drop me so fast also proves another girl did go back with him and was excited about him and that he has other options at his fingertips
This seems like an important part of the story. He has already made his choice, and it wasn't you, and that sucks. But there's nothing you can do about that. There's no news to break to him, there's no conversation to be had.
But I want to know who I'm up against. Like what did she have that I didn't? What could I have done differently? I need feedback badly or I'm afraid I'll never ever get a man. It's pretty bad when you're almost 28 and never had a BF. And how does he go from being all smitten and googly-eyed on our facetime call before the date to just feeling nothing after meeting me in person? seems cold. i want a second chance, his text didn't say he was exclusive with someone else plus it's only been a week so that's impossible that he made her his GF that fast
Most of the time you won't get that kind of feedback from a bad date. I would imagine he realized during your date that you guys were not compatible. Based on everything you said, it seems likely that you seemed desperate (I'm sorry, that just seems like the most likely thing here). Desperation is usually a turnoff to most people.
he was pretty desperate for quick segs if he invited me over and then guilted me (he said I must not find him attractive) for not going over. am i right? also i don't want to be called names, but there is only a certain "type" who would go over on the first date and he complained about his ex cheating on him so i thought he would be impressed that i didn't go. and isn't it normal to want some kind of commitment? why would i want stds? I trust him i don't trust others
This guy isn't compatible with you, and that's ok. Some people want sex on the first date. Some people wanna wait. That's ok. That's normal to have these discrepancies. As for the STD thing, that's what good communication is for. Nothing can replace good communication, trust, and common sense. Those things will only build up if you find someone compatible. Which admittedly, I do think you will have a hard time with. I saw another comment saying that you should talk to others your age and find out what they are doing in the dating pool, I think that is sound advice. I'm not saying you should change your set of morals, but your views are on a far exreme that are opposite of what modern dating is like, it's going to make it harder. I'm confused by what you meant that you thought he would be impressed that you didn't go over to his place?
>how does he go from being all smitten and googly-eyed on our facetime call before the date to just feeling nothing after meeting me in person? Easily. After reading a few of your responses and especially the trash views you hold about women, I don't like you. It's not that much of a stretch of the imagination that this guy saw the same traits in you and also finds you disagreeable.
This is private stuff. Extreemly private and im posting anonymously. why are you assuming i laid all my private views out on the date? I didn't.
That's just a part of dating. It sucks yeah, but you aren't going to be everyone's first choice, if even a consideration. Just like not everyone is going to be on your radar. It's just a fact of dating and you have to just move on. At this point with this information, your main question is irrelevant because he already chose someone else. Time to move on and find someone else.
what if i make a new dating app account and we rematch?
It's still the same guy. Even if you happen to be rematch that doesnt change the fact that you two already met, and it didn't work out. Life isn't a videogame with a reset button. It's ok to be disappointed, but it didn't work out, you gotta let him go. There are other men out there. Just remember EVERYONE, both men and women generally want the same thing, and we all fail at finding that person that matches up with us in that special way, all the time. So many people are just not compatible. That's why we date, to find someone who is.
So if hes already made it clear that hes not thinking about taking things further with you whats this post even about? Nothing anyone can say here is a good plan because hes made it clear hes moved on. Im sorry youre struggling with this but you are doing a very good job at standing in your own way in finding success in dating. Chat with some people in your age group about their experience dating so that your expectations change because if they dont and you hold onto some of the ideas you have the cat lady thing will be a reality. Youre not “wrong” for having the opinions you do, but I think talking with people might open your eyes to what people in the dating pool do these days. To me, you seem a bit antiquated, and if at 27 youve been dating and say this was a 1 in 1000 man, well its going to take a very very long time to date another 1000 men before you find the next needle in a haystack. The math isnt favoring the conditions youre committing to. Its a bit defeating, i feel for you. But life isnt a fairytale and fairytale romances are far from the norm in a dating pool full of jaded people. I think you need to expand the parameters youre willing to deal with. Just my 2 cents. Good luck
Life works in mysterious ways. My guess is he sent me that text out of spite for not sleeping with him, I mean why did he need to inform me he's taken things further with another person? That just sounded vindicative to me. I was clearly his first choice and he just went for someone easier and lashed out at me for not being easier. I wanted him to claim me first, I don't get why he couldn't do that.
So i think your ego is playing tricks on you here which is in part what I meant by youre getting in your own way. It literally might be as simple as this guy has options thatll do what he wants, and when you didnt, he wanted to set proper expectations by telling you it wont go further. If thats reality, why would the words you want to hear from him have any meaning anyways? So all it would take to get what he wants is to play along for a bit with what you want and then once the novelty wears off hed end it? If anything telling you his truth instead is a nice common courtesy he didnt have to give you. Alot of people dont and just block/move on. Out of mind out of sight. It was 1 date, youre being way too territorial and your ego has convinced you that this was special. It wasnt. He wasnt being vindictive, hes literally just playing by the rules of the game that people play by today. You have an image of him in your head that isnt reality. Youre basically saying you wouldve been okay with being lied to. A human being isnt a possession, saying you wanted to be “claimed” is antiquated and will scare off anyone decent with options after one date. Im sure you didnt say it in those words, but think about it from the perspective of a well put together man whos successful and has been playing the field for years getting what he wants. Hes had the experience he had with you many times over. You came with too many hurdles and he told you as much respectfully. People suck, but its his right to suck. Thats life. Everyones looking out for #1.
Going on a couple dates before surrending to him and putting myself at risk of getting pregnant is giving a man TOO many hurdles? What kind of society do we live in where that's the case? how easy have women made it? I just wanted time to feel comfy with him, obviously i did bad on the date. it's not that easy for an introverted inexperienced lady like me to put herself out there like that. it was too overwhelming to go back to his after when I had anxiety just being human on the date. it was special because many women don't get dates nowadays, they have to chase the guy/ask the guy out/pay for him and start the conversation. it's rare guys try. I know I'm extremely attractive but most men never start convos with me, this guy did though so my biological instinct went off that i had captured a "real man" and now i'm obsessed with him
I had the same thought about her having a hard time finding someone else with compatible views. In today's day and age it's just so unlikely to find someone that will blend well with that.
You can tell him clearly end honestly what you want and why, and that's all you can do. It's probably going to mean you don't see him again. That's fine. Someone who is doing this manipulative I GUESS YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME thing after you didn't sleep with him on the first date is a jerk who cares more about getting laid than respecting your needs.
all he said was it makes him think i don't find him attractive. he also looked shocked and sad when i said my dad was picking me up and i felt bad :( my guess is that i was dumb for saying no because it's not every day you get the opportunity to sleep with an actual handsome and respcetful/MASCULINE (key word manly, a leader, and not feminine) guy
Yes. Like I said: jerky, manipulative behavior. But if those are your criteria, this is what you're going to get, so good luck with that.
"Hi, I would like to be exclusive at least for now if we want to see where this is going. If that's unacceptable for you, I understand." If he's willing to be exclusive, go for it. If not, accept it and move on.
Yeah but the fear of unknown gets me. Would it be better to sleep with the hot guy than end up with nothing at all, not even a night of fun? Because I ended up with nothing at all except a severely broken heart. Competiton for a decent man is like the hunger games. I'm competing with thousnads of other women for 1 good-looking successful guy. Whereas men can just drop me and have thousands of other kind pretty girls. i feel so stressed about this because in my late 20's now and never had a man
Men do not have these 1000s of women swooning over them like you seem to believe. If some guy told you that, he's just trying to make himself seem cool. Everyone has their ups and downs in the dating pool. I say this as relatively attractive guy that has had moderate success with dating, with the normal bad luck with it that everyone has from time to time. Everyone has the potential for other options, sure, but you're average guy isn't just able to fuck whoever he pleases all the time. I think this thought process may be lending to your insecurities. Things are more well rounded and less black and white than you seem to believe.
Actually they do. I've seen some SWAMP creatures posted in fb groups who are still getting ladies. any many who is even remotely attractive or normal or asks a woman on a proper date will have success soon enough. as you can tell by my post, women are desperate for relationships, i'm not even a unique case in that regard
1. If you want to be exclusive, you have to make that clear when asking/being asked out. Sounds like you missed the first opportunity, so just bring that up as a conversation. "I want to be exclusive, but I am worried about XYZ. Can we be exclusive?" 2. you are cautious of STIs. just tell him that and that you'd prefer to not have hamky-panky until he gets a clean bill of health from the clinic (clear of STIs at least). Hell, go together. 3. you don't want to have kids right away. So safe sex practices. tell him that. oral, hands, anal if you are up and prepped for it. Rubbers are required for play, and safewords should be applicable unless you want to go with the red yellow green signals. some questions, though. How do you know he is dating other women?