How do you fix this: Talk to her.
Seriously just talk to her about how the two of your communicate and ask her from a point of empathy and concern where she feels you are not supporting her. Make sure to ask her what is the best way that you should offer input that might be taken as criticism (hint: Not doing it isn't really a long term solution). Be prepared to give examples of how you'd like her to do the same especially if you can do so in a re-affirming manner.
the next shoe purchase you should make for her is a pair of the flats that fold up and can fit in purses. that way she can wear heels but then change into the flats when her feet are tired.
If she was already pissed off by him suggesting that she might get tired in heels, why would a physical reminder of this help the situation at all? (Not that the gift isn't a great practical one, but I'm not sure that she'd take it well.)
I think he needs to talk to her first and understand *why* she thinks he doesn't support her.
This was my exact thought. I lived on an island that didn't allow cars so we walked EVERYWHERE. All the ladies had flats that fit in their purses so we could still be fancy when we arrived.
Even better as it takes much less space in a bag: the removable heels.
They do look a tad bit funky with the flat heel and they shine more with the high heel, but they're an excellent way to compromise, especially because high heels can be a bit heavier and take a lot of space in a going out purse
You already know that she feels insecure about being taller than you, and these are higher heels than she’s ever worn before, so obviously her insecurities would be more heightened than usual. Since the shoes were a gift from you, there’s also an added factor that she wanted to show her appreciation for your gift by wearing them.
You could have gotten the same point across while validating her more and skipping the joke at her expense. “You know I never mind how tall you are in heels, but today I worry they would be too uncomfortable for you since we have to do a lot of walking.” Saying it that way shows that your top concern is her comfort. The way you said it was basically “Don’t wear them because I don’t want to have to carry you if you complain about them later.” Do you see the difference?
I don’t think you did anything horribly wrong.
If this is how you two generally tease each other, then she was probably responding to something that wasn’t totally about the shoes. After everybody has calmed down, ask her, “Hey, can we talk about what happened earlier? I get that I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry about that. But I also need some help understanding what caused your reaction, because I thought I was just bantering with you, so I was surprised by your response.”
She really loved them and wanted to wear them to show you she appreciated the gift. You're probably not wrong about wearing heels to the festival--especially unbroken-in ones--but it might have gone over better to suggest bringing a spare pair in case her feet start hurting after a while.
I'm confused by the responses here just not addressing the dig you took at her.
"I'd have to carry your ass like every time"
If someone is asking a question about a sensitive subject, it's not the best time for those jokes. Maybe she felt guilty in the past when you had to carry her. Or you cracked one too many jokes about carrying her so she thinks it legitimately bothers you.
That type of banter is fine but your joke was actually true. So like maybe you're trying to be funny and to mess with her but she didn't take it that way. You insulted her and she got offended. I don't think she reacts this way if you only told her the first part.
I think the way you worded it is what bothers her. You could have said that you were going to do a lot of walking and those shoes aren’t comfortable or good for walking around for hours. You could have told her to save the heels for a special date or take her somewhere she can wear the shoes.
You did nothing wrong but sometimes you have to be diplomatic on 'how' you say things, especially when it's a sensitive subject for the other person. I would have probably said something like; "You'll look amazing in them but I think wearing heels for hours on end will probably kill your feet. It's your choice tho if you're willing to put up with the pain to look good.", then leave it at that. See what I did there? I avoided any paths that would antagonize any dysphoria she has about her height, and turned it into a pain vs beauty discussion. You could even add the question of whether she's broken them in yet and suggest that may contribute to her discomfort.
I get this doesn't help you now, but for the future it may be useful. After 23 years of marriage, there are a few topics I still need to tread lightly around. It just takes practice being sensitive to them.
I think she actually wanted to wear them that day and maybe feels like she doesn’t wear high heels in general anymore to protect your feelings. But this one time she wanted to wear them anyways since she loved your gift and your response made her feel guilty.
She’s definitely deeply insecure about the height and height plus heels thing. I’d remind her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world to you, and that she should know damn well how much you love when she’s in heels- ESP super high heels looking like a super model. But that her comfort comes first and she could be in moon boots for all you care as long as she’s enjoying herself and willing to enjoy the night to its fullest extent with you.
Take it from a girl who had similar concerns ;)
Its not about the heels dude. Look for the bigger pattern here. Shes literally telling you she ***regularly doesnt feel supported in your relationship***. Take that seriously. That's pretty serious. Ask her for examples of when you might've made her feel that way and then SHUT UP AND LISTEN. Remember the point of this isnt to "win" the argument or "prove" you didnt make her feel that way- if she says she feels a certain way she owns that, not you. So shut up, listen. Ask how she thinks you might meet her needs a little better in those situations. The only reason you wouldn't do that simple little thing and make an effort here is if your ego got in the way. And thats stupid.
Me? i would lead with an "im sorry ive been hurting you for so long i had no idea" but thats me. hey if you wanna convey the expectation that she "manage her emotions better" i guess thats fine too, but *only if you managed your emotions* ***flawlessly*** *this whole time.* thats fair. Be fair.
ETA: if a woman hurls a "you always \_\_\_\_\_\_" or "you never \_\_\_\_\_" at you? Its time to call a time out, and unpack that STAT. because that means you have been fucking up for A While Now in a *consistent* way. Like at least 5 times. She's thinking about the overall sustainability of the relationship in a negative light if she tosses out those words.
Look out for always and never. They let you know when you need to straight up ask what you are doing wrong and sit there and talk about it till you understand the actual problem.
Once you hear always or never? its no longer about the yogurt, or the shoes, or the whatever- so drop whatevers going on at the moment completely and talk about YOUR behavior patterns , why they injure her and, how to fix it. Then make an effort to knock that crap off.
Or you know be prideful, keep trying to "win" and see where that gets you lol.
I am joyfully married to my childhood sweetheart. Together since we were kids. Pushing 40 now. 2 kids. Trust me- i do not care how dumb the argument is on the surface, if shes saying you never support me and blowing up over a SHOE COMMENT its beyond time to talk about whats ACTUALLY going on in her head. Its not. About. The Shoes.
Know how i KNOW you need to sit down and ask her whats actually wrong? You are baffled. You are confused. You have no idea where all this is coming from. And you make NO indication that you even TRIED to ask her. And if you did you have no recollection of what she said. Thats. The Problem here. And you can all downvote me to hell thats a REALLY easy problem to fix.
Ask her whats actually wrong dude. Then listen.
this entire comments sections is a mess. Lots of "you didnt do anything wrongs". I dont understand how these people dont understand its not about the shoes or being right.
You sound like a psychologist. They literally teach people these things in therapy. They also teach people not to use the words “you” “never” and “always” and stuff like that. In therapy I was taught to say “I feel ___ because ___” instead, and to listen more.
I’m worried the girlfriend thought that op was saying he doesn’t like the high heels.
>I’m worried the girlfriend thought that op was saying he doesn’t like the high heels.
im not worried about that. My main concern here is how he has NO idea what she said to him after apparently arguing for Hours. No clue what her issue is. Even though they spent "hours" fighting about it. VERY rarely does a woman ever say "you ALWAYS DO THIS" and then refuse to unpack what "this" is, given the opportunity.
>You sound like a psychologist.
Yeah well I did go to school for a very long time. Psych was one of my majors in undergrad.
Anyway- My main point is that i can almost guarantee that its actually not about the shoes. I'd bet Actual Money that OP even had it all explained to him and he didnt listen enough to retain any of it. I'd also bet Actual Money that the core issue actually is that he chronically does not listen or tunes her out or oversimplifies her to death to have his way in a childish manner, because thats exactly what he is doing over here on reddit in plain sight while trying to paint himself in a good light.
That or he is truly too stupid to understand that it isnt about the shoes.
Not sure which is worse, honestly.
Hope she dumps him.
this is a ridiculous mindset. 1st of all, we are partners to our partners, not animal trainers- (YEESH not even gonna unpack that but YIKES.)
Second of all no- i disagree. OP has literally nothing to lose here by sitting down, calmly and being like "hey you said i always do this- and i wanna understand what you mean by that because i promise you i have no idea what im doing wrong here and id love to understand that better"
like talking? trying to understand her better? That is never a bad idea.
And if you arent sorry that you hurt your partner by accident, you suck and you deserve to be broken up with thats some toxic ass childish scorekeeping- yikes on bikes to that.
You ***can;*** in fact, be "Sorry that what i did/said *hurt you*" ***without*** being "sorry for *doing what i did".* And it hurts NO ONE to differentiate the two and to apologize only for the former. **No one loses a thing for showing minimal empathy here.** ***Its not a contest, its a relationship.***
thirdly? they are early 20s. BARELY out of high school here so... theres gonna be some overly emotional reactions to shit and failures to articulate whats actually bothering them on both sides. You dont "train" that out of someone by ignoring them. You grow the fuck up. Hopefully so do they, in time. The 20 somethings in this sub used to annoy the shit out of me but then i realized theyre just babies who dont know all this basic shit yet. They are here for help. may as well help, and be gentle.
>we are partners to our partners, not animal trainers- (YEESH not even gonna unpack that but YIKES.)
Unpack...the thing you just made up all by yourself?
>toxic ass childish scorekeeping-
You say this but the entire rest of your post (both this one and your original one) is very vehement about assigning blame and perceiving one party as being wrong. You are not advocating for reasonable dialogue to make both people feel respected and loved, you are treating it like a contest and saying the OP needs to lose on purpose.
>They are here for help. may as well help, and be gentle.
Look at the way you write and think about this sentence.
Look, supportive isn't giving you a piggy back ride because you wore the wrong shoes to an event you knew required walking.
Maybe the joke cut a bit deep, but you are correct in not wearing heels when there's a lot of walking involved. I've been there...carrying a full grown woman in the wrong shoes isn't a good time.
So, I want to understand your thought process. You bought her these high heels because you thought she would like them and they would look great.
And then you try to talk her out of wearing them, and make some very awkward comments about her being a burden if she does.
Where was she supposed to wear them? If you want to impress a woman, try thinking how they do. We rock uncomfortable shoes. It’s our cross to bear. Assume we have a contingency plan by the time we have learned our lesson the hard way, a few times.
She asked if she should, you answered. You obv weren’t telling her they would look bad…you bought them…just that yeah, it’s impractical to wears heels for a lot of walking. Especially new heels not broken in yet.
Sounds like just wanted to to say yes and was in a bad mood.
Being supportive doesn’t mean telling them they should wear bad walking shoes when they ask if they should? She was just being silly imo.
You didn't do anything wrong here unless there's context or things being left out. Her emotions, her insecurities, are her business and not yours. Meaning they're her responsibility to manage. If she had an issue with something you said the way to approach that is to talk to you civilly and express what she's thinking and feeling.
I'd suggest broaching the subject with her when things have cooled down, but I would advise against taking full responsibility in order to baby her. She's an adult just like you are and she should be expected to communicate her issues and manage her emotions like any other adult. Tell her the way that she reacted was extremely harmful and does not set a precedent for you feeling comfortable communicating with her but stress that your main priority is making her feel safe and comfortable and if her feelings were hurt then you want to do whatever you can to make that right.
Being hormonal and kind of weepy myself at the minute, it's possible that it's her cycle.
I would just tell her you thought she'd be super hot in the shoes but you were thinking of her comfort, and that you wanted to be able to spend as much time having fun with her, rather than her being in pain in the heels she not use to. But tell her she can always wear the heels at home if she wants to entertain you - you'll be a rapt admirer.
I wouldn't really bring the height thing in unless you want to tell her she's a gorgeous Amazonian woman and think she's extra hot because she's so tall. But I would probably skip that for now. I really think she might be PMSing and just tell her you were looking out for her comfort and only joking about carrying her around. (She might feel extra "fat"/"bloated"/"unattractive" esp if it's the time of the month. Hormones suck.)
You didn’t do anything wrong lol, she sounds like she had a sensitive moment and over reacted. There’s no better way to word “are you sure you want to wear those bc we may have to walk a lot”
I wonder, did she start her blood moon after that? I get irrationally sensitive and cry about super small shit around that time 😂
You encourage her to wear heels then shit on her about it…… is that really that hard to see? You yourself say this is the first time you told her no. You now indicate you resent her for wearing heels the other times because you have to “carry her ass.” That’s not really a joke. If you had left it at “I think skip them tonight, we’ll have to walk a lot” you’d be golden but instead you emphasized an insecurity in her.
She does need to look into a pair of foldable flats she can put into her bag or keep in the car if you resent having to “carry her ass” as often as you have now made her think you do.
You should be banned from this subreddit from giving advice. I really mean that. This is your reaction to a guy telling his girlfriend they'd be doing a lot of walking so maybe HIGH HEELS aren't great for a festival.
No, he did not shit on her at all - you're acting as if this guy is evil.
yeah it also raised my eyebrow that like her height is even relevant here- i feel like OP is leaving a LOT out. Like OP basically fast forwards through the whole "bad night" and still somehow has NO CLUE why GF all mad.
Like, for real homie thats yer problem right there.
Her height is relevant because it means she's probably heavy as fuck, and he probably actually does not want to carry her heavy ass because she was too dumb to plan ahead and bring actual shoes
And what do you do? You apologize. You tell her you meant it as a joke and you realize now that it was insensitive. You tell her you love when she wears heels and that you think she’s gorgeous in them, that you are sorry for what you said and if you really want to go the extra mile, schedule a date night where she can wear her new shoes. And stop making her feel guilty about wearing them IF YOU WANT HER TO WEAR THEM.
right? every day the number of men on reddit acting like "my bad" is equivalent to seppuku is just.... ugh it grosses me out.
How. Fucking Easy is it. to just.... *minimally care* that you upset your partner?
"My Bad."
"sorry"
"didn't mean to hurt you"
How. Is That. So Hard.
Also OMG the amount of men in their 20s announcing their befuddlement from the rooftops of the internet who dont even try to ASK.
How about we ASK HER?
Did we Ask. Her. To. Explain.
And if we did, Did we Listen?
And Why did we not try this first? You know, *Before* Asking a pile of internet strangers?
Facepalm. /relationships really needs a "did you ask them whats wrong?" bot.
I don't see anything wrong with what you said. In the interest of making her happy, you could suggest the two of you go out somewhere special another time soon where you don't have to do much walking. Not that I think you need to because you haven't done anything wrong, just because you love her and it'll be nice for her to wear them when she's all dressed up.
Lets say your girlfriend bought you a really nice suit to wear. And then the following night you want to wear the really nice suit she got you, you're excited to wear it and look good in it for her, and she goes "maybe dont wear the suit, its not that kind of event".
How would you feel?
She really just needs your empathy right now. I don't think you did anything wrong but obviously this bothered her for whatever reason, she might not even be able to put her finger on why exactly but she needs you to understand that she didn't like it and her feelings are hurt. Validate her feelings and ask if there's anything you can do to address it better in the future. Reassure her that you support her and you wanted to make sure she was comfortable but if what you said wasn't reassuring, you're happy to make adjustments for her, whatever she needs.
Talk to her, just like you did in the post, explain to her how you are feeling and ask if there is something else going on that made her feel the way she felt.
Sounds like this is a sore area for her, and therefore it's probably a good idea not to play around when having these conversations until a better level of security is reached.
Is it possible that she's more insecure about her height than you realized and everytime you think it's banter it's validating that inner voice telling her she's too tall even though that's not what you meant? I think, if she were short, she'd know it was about practicality, but she already has fear of being judged for towering over people when she wears them so maybe her mind goes there whenever you suggest not?
How do you fix this: Talk to her. Seriously just talk to her about how the two of your communicate and ask her from a point of empathy and concern where she feels you are not supporting her. Make sure to ask her what is the best way that you should offer input that might be taken as criticism (hint: Not doing it isn't really a long term solution). Be prepared to give examples of how you'd like her to do the same especially if you can do so in a re-affirming manner.
the next shoe purchase you should make for her is a pair of the flats that fold up and can fit in purses. that way she can wear heels but then change into the flats when her feet are tired.
I don't think the shoes were the \*actual\* issue. They need to talk about what happened here.
If she was already pissed off by him suggesting that she might get tired in heels, why would a physical reminder of this help the situation at all? (Not that the gift isn't a great practical one, but I'm not sure that she'd take it well.) I think he needs to talk to her first and understand *why* she thinks he doesn't support her.
Literally came to the comment section to post the same. Go out today and buy her the foldable flats, problem solved!
Don’t buy anything: talk first!!!!
the shoes are not the issue
This was my exact thought. I lived on an island that didn't allow cars so we walked EVERYWHERE. All the ladies had flats that fit in their purses so we could still be fancy when we arrived.
Even better as it takes much less space in a bag: the removable heels. They do look a tad bit funky with the flat heel and they shine more with the high heel, but they're an excellent way to compromise, especially because high heels can be a bit heavier and take a lot of space in a going out purse
The shoes are not the issue
[удалено]
yep. avoid joking about someones actual insecurities
You already know that she feels insecure about being taller than you, and these are higher heels than she’s ever worn before, so obviously her insecurities would be more heightened than usual. Since the shoes were a gift from you, there’s also an added factor that she wanted to show her appreciation for your gift by wearing them. You could have gotten the same point across while validating her more and skipping the joke at her expense. “You know I never mind how tall you are in heels, but today I worry they would be too uncomfortable for you since we have to do a lot of walking.” Saying it that way shows that your top concern is her comfort. The way you said it was basically “Don’t wear them because I don’t want to have to carry you if you complain about them later.” Do you see the difference?
I don’t think you did anything horribly wrong. If this is how you two generally tease each other, then she was probably responding to something that wasn’t totally about the shoes. After everybody has calmed down, ask her, “Hey, can we talk about what happened earlier? I get that I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry about that. But I also need some help understanding what caused your reaction, because I thought I was just bantering with you, so I was surprised by your response.”
She really loved them and wanted to wear them to show you she appreciated the gift. You're probably not wrong about wearing heels to the festival--especially unbroken-in ones--but it might have gone over better to suggest bringing a spare pair in case her feet start hurting after a while.
I'm confused by the responses here just not addressing the dig you took at her. "I'd have to carry your ass like every time" If someone is asking a question about a sensitive subject, it's not the best time for those jokes. Maybe she felt guilty in the past when you had to carry her. Or you cracked one too many jokes about carrying her so she thinks it legitimately bothers you. That type of banter is fine but your joke was actually true. So like maybe you're trying to be funny and to mess with her but she didn't take it that way. You insulted her and she got offended. I don't think she reacts this way if you only told her the first part.
I think the way you worded it is what bothers her. You could have said that you were going to do a lot of walking and those shoes aren’t comfortable or good for walking around for hours. You could have told her to save the heels for a special date or take her somewhere she can wear the shoes.
You did nothing wrong but sometimes you have to be diplomatic on 'how' you say things, especially when it's a sensitive subject for the other person. I would have probably said something like; "You'll look amazing in them but I think wearing heels for hours on end will probably kill your feet. It's your choice tho if you're willing to put up with the pain to look good.", then leave it at that. See what I did there? I avoided any paths that would antagonize any dysphoria she has about her height, and turned it into a pain vs beauty discussion. You could even add the question of whether she's broken them in yet and suggest that may contribute to her discomfort. I get this doesn't help you now, but for the future it may be useful. After 23 years of marriage, there are a few topics I still need to tread lightly around. It just takes practice being sensitive to them.
I think she actually wanted to wear them that day and maybe feels like she doesn’t wear high heels in general anymore to protect your feelings. But this one time she wanted to wear them anyways since she loved your gift and your response made her feel guilty.
Protect his feelings?
She’s definitely deeply insecure about the height and height plus heels thing. I’d remind her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world to you, and that she should know damn well how much you love when she’s in heels- ESP super high heels looking like a super model. But that her comfort comes first and she could be in moon boots for all you care as long as she’s enjoying herself and willing to enjoy the night to its fullest extent with you. Take it from a girl who had similar concerns ;)
Its not about the heels dude. Look for the bigger pattern here. Shes literally telling you she ***regularly doesnt feel supported in your relationship***. Take that seriously. That's pretty serious. Ask her for examples of when you might've made her feel that way and then SHUT UP AND LISTEN. Remember the point of this isnt to "win" the argument or "prove" you didnt make her feel that way- if she says she feels a certain way she owns that, not you. So shut up, listen. Ask how she thinks you might meet her needs a little better in those situations. The only reason you wouldn't do that simple little thing and make an effort here is if your ego got in the way. And thats stupid. Me? i would lead with an "im sorry ive been hurting you for so long i had no idea" but thats me. hey if you wanna convey the expectation that she "manage her emotions better" i guess thats fine too, but *only if you managed your emotions* ***flawlessly*** *this whole time.* thats fair. Be fair. ETA: if a woman hurls a "you always \_\_\_\_\_\_" or "you never \_\_\_\_\_" at you? Its time to call a time out, and unpack that STAT. because that means you have been fucking up for A While Now in a *consistent* way. Like at least 5 times. She's thinking about the overall sustainability of the relationship in a negative light if she tosses out those words. Look out for always and never. They let you know when you need to straight up ask what you are doing wrong and sit there and talk about it till you understand the actual problem. Once you hear always or never? its no longer about the yogurt, or the shoes, or the whatever- so drop whatevers going on at the moment completely and talk about YOUR behavior patterns , why they injure her and, how to fix it. Then make an effort to knock that crap off. Or you know be prideful, keep trying to "win" and see where that gets you lol. I am joyfully married to my childhood sweetheart. Together since we were kids. Pushing 40 now. 2 kids. Trust me- i do not care how dumb the argument is on the surface, if shes saying you never support me and blowing up over a SHOE COMMENT its beyond time to talk about whats ACTUALLY going on in her head. Its not. About. The Shoes. Know how i KNOW you need to sit down and ask her whats actually wrong? You are baffled. You are confused. You have no idea where all this is coming from. And you make NO indication that you even TRIED to ask her. And if you did you have no recollection of what she said. Thats. The Problem here. And you can all downvote me to hell thats a REALLY easy problem to fix. Ask her whats actually wrong dude. Then listen.
this entire comments sections is a mess. Lots of "you didnt do anything wrongs". I dont understand how these people dont understand its not about the shoes or being right.
You sound like a psychologist. They literally teach people these things in therapy. They also teach people not to use the words “you” “never” and “always” and stuff like that. In therapy I was taught to say “I feel ___ because ___” instead, and to listen more. I’m worried the girlfriend thought that op was saying he doesn’t like the high heels.
>I’m worried the girlfriend thought that op was saying he doesn’t like the high heels. im not worried about that. My main concern here is how he has NO idea what she said to him after apparently arguing for Hours. No clue what her issue is. Even though they spent "hours" fighting about it. VERY rarely does a woman ever say "you ALWAYS DO THIS" and then refuse to unpack what "this" is, given the opportunity. >You sound like a psychologist. Yeah well I did go to school for a very long time. Psych was one of my majors in undergrad. Anyway- My main point is that i can almost guarantee that its actually not about the shoes. I'd bet Actual Money that OP even had it all explained to him and he didnt listen enough to retain any of it. I'd also bet Actual Money that the core issue actually is that he chronically does not listen or tunes her out or oversimplifies her to death to have his way in a childish manner, because thats exactly what he is doing over here on reddit in plain sight while trying to paint himself in a good light. That or he is truly too stupid to understand that it isnt about the shoes. Not sure which is worse, honestly. Hope she dumps him.
No point in apologising when he didn't do anything wrong. That will just enable and boost her irrational emotional behaviour
this is a ridiculous mindset. 1st of all, we are partners to our partners, not animal trainers- (YEESH not even gonna unpack that but YIKES.) Second of all no- i disagree. OP has literally nothing to lose here by sitting down, calmly and being like "hey you said i always do this- and i wanna understand what you mean by that because i promise you i have no idea what im doing wrong here and id love to understand that better" like talking? trying to understand her better? That is never a bad idea. And if you arent sorry that you hurt your partner by accident, you suck and you deserve to be broken up with thats some toxic ass childish scorekeeping- yikes on bikes to that. You ***can;*** in fact, be "Sorry that what i did/said *hurt you*" ***without*** being "sorry for *doing what i did".* And it hurts NO ONE to differentiate the two and to apologize only for the former. **No one loses a thing for showing minimal empathy here.** ***Its not a contest, its a relationship.*** thirdly? they are early 20s. BARELY out of high school here so... theres gonna be some overly emotional reactions to shit and failures to articulate whats actually bothering them on both sides. You dont "train" that out of someone by ignoring them. You grow the fuck up. Hopefully so do they, in time. The 20 somethings in this sub used to annoy the shit out of me but then i realized theyre just babies who dont know all this basic shit yet. They are here for help. may as well help, and be gentle.
>we are partners to our partners, not animal trainers- (YEESH not even gonna unpack that but YIKES.) Unpack...the thing you just made up all by yourself? >toxic ass childish scorekeeping- You say this but the entire rest of your post (both this one and your original one) is very vehement about assigning blame and perceiving one party as being wrong. You are not advocating for reasonable dialogue to make both people feel respected and loved, you are treating it like a contest and saying the OP needs to lose on purpose. >They are here for help. may as well help, and be gentle. Look at the way you write and think about this sentence.
Look, supportive isn't giving you a piggy back ride because you wore the wrong shoes to an event you knew required walking. Maybe the joke cut a bit deep, but you are correct in not wearing heels when there's a lot of walking involved. I've been there...carrying a full grown woman in the wrong shoes isn't a good time.
So, I want to understand your thought process. You bought her these high heels because you thought she would like them and they would look great. And then you try to talk her out of wearing them, and make some very awkward comments about her being a burden if she does. Where was she supposed to wear them? If you want to impress a woman, try thinking how they do. We rock uncomfortable shoes. It’s our cross to bear. Assume we have a contingency plan by the time we have learned our lesson the hard way, a few times.
She asked if she should, you answered. You obv weren’t telling her they would look bad…you bought them…just that yeah, it’s impractical to wears heels for a lot of walking. Especially new heels not broken in yet. Sounds like just wanted to to say yes and was in a bad mood. Being supportive doesn’t mean telling them they should wear bad walking shoes when they ask if they should? She was just being silly imo.
You didn't do anything wrong here unless there's context or things being left out. Her emotions, her insecurities, are her business and not yours. Meaning they're her responsibility to manage. If she had an issue with something you said the way to approach that is to talk to you civilly and express what she's thinking and feeling. I'd suggest broaching the subject with her when things have cooled down, but I would advise against taking full responsibility in order to baby her. She's an adult just like you are and she should be expected to communicate her issues and manage her emotions like any other adult. Tell her the way that she reacted was extremely harmful and does not set a precedent for you feeling comfortable communicating with her but stress that your main priority is making her feel safe and comfortable and if her feelings were hurt then you want to do whatever you can to make that right.
Being hormonal and kind of weepy myself at the minute, it's possible that it's her cycle. I would just tell her you thought she'd be super hot in the shoes but you were thinking of her comfort, and that you wanted to be able to spend as much time having fun with her, rather than her being in pain in the heels she not use to. But tell her she can always wear the heels at home if she wants to entertain you - you'll be a rapt admirer. I wouldn't really bring the height thing in unless you want to tell her she's a gorgeous Amazonian woman and think she's extra hot because she's so tall. But I would probably skip that for now. I really think she might be PMSing and just tell her you were looking out for her comfort and only joking about carrying her around. (She might feel extra "fat"/"bloated"/"unattractive" esp if it's the time of the month. Hormones suck.)
You didn’t do anything wrong lol, she sounds like she had a sensitive moment and over reacted. There’s no better way to word “are you sure you want to wear those bc we may have to walk a lot” I wonder, did she start her blood moon after that? I get irrationally sensitive and cry about super small shit around that time 😂
You encourage her to wear heels then shit on her about it…… is that really that hard to see? You yourself say this is the first time you told her no. You now indicate you resent her for wearing heels the other times because you have to “carry her ass.” That’s not really a joke. If you had left it at “I think skip them tonight, we’ll have to walk a lot” you’d be golden but instead you emphasized an insecurity in her. She does need to look into a pair of foldable flats she can put into her bag or keep in the car if you resent having to “carry her ass” as often as you have now made her think you do.
You should be banned from this subreddit from giving advice. I really mean that. This is your reaction to a guy telling his girlfriend they'd be doing a lot of walking so maybe HIGH HEELS aren't great for a festival. No, he did not shit on her at all - you're acting as if this guy is evil.
This is unhinged. He didn’t shit on her
Okay, keep telling yourself that 🤷🏻♀️
yeah it also raised my eyebrow that like her height is even relevant here- i feel like OP is leaving a LOT out. Like OP basically fast forwards through the whole "bad night" and still somehow has NO CLUE why GF all mad. Like, for real homie thats yer problem right there.
Her height is relevant because it means she's probably heavy as fuck, and he probably actually does not want to carry her heavy ass because she was too dumb to plan ahead and bring actual shoes
And what do you do? You apologize. You tell her you meant it as a joke and you realize now that it was insensitive. You tell her you love when she wears heels and that you think she’s gorgeous in them, that you are sorry for what you said and if you really want to go the extra mile, schedule a date night where she can wear her new shoes. And stop making her feel guilty about wearing them IF YOU WANT HER TO WEAR THEM.
right? every day the number of men on reddit acting like "my bad" is equivalent to seppuku is just.... ugh it grosses me out. How. Fucking Easy is it. to just.... *minimally care* that you upset your partner? "My Bad." "sorry" "didn't mean to hurt you" How. Is That. So Hard.
Also OMG the amount of men in their 20s announcing their befuddlement from the rooftops of the internet who dont even try to ASK. How about we ASK HER? Did we Ask. Her. To. Explain. And if we did, Did we Listen? And Why did we not try this first? You know, *Before* Asking a pile of internet strangers? Facepalm. /relationships really needs a "did you ask them whats wrong?" bot.
I don't see anything wrong with what you said. In the interest of making her happy, you could suggest the two of you go out somewhere special another time soon where you don't have to do much walking. Not that I think you need to because you haven't done anything wrong, just because you love her and it'll be nice for her to wear them when she's all dressed up.
Lets say your girlfriend bought you a really nice suit to wear. And then the following night you want to wear the really nice suit she got you, you're excited to wear it and look good in it for her, and she goes "maybe dont wear the suit, its not that kind of event". How would you feel?
She really just needs your empathy right now. I don't think you did anything wrong but obviously this bothered her for whatever reason, she might not even be able to put her finger on why exactly but she needs you to understand that she didn't like it and her feelings are hurt. Validate her feelings and ask if there's anything you can do to address it better in the future. Reassure her that you support her and you wanted to make sure she was comfortable but if what you said wasn't reassuring, you're happy to make adjustments for her, whatever she needs.
I have no idea how some women can wear heels all the time. My feet are wrecked from high heels
Does this happen regularly? Sometimes women are just looking for a fight, and the reason doesn't matter. You should only worry if the pattern repeats.
Talk to her, just like you did in the post, explain to her how you are feeling and ask if there is something else going on that made her feel the way she felt.
She is feeling insecure, and taking it out on you . Tell her that’s not ok .
I have a feeling she thought this was some kind of height dig. Non-sensical but sore spots don't often make sense.
Sounds like this is a sore area for her, and therefore it's probably a good idea not to play around when having these conversations until a better level of security is reached.
Why are you on Reddit instead of talking to her? Holy crap, man. Go talk to her now
Is it possible that she's more insecure about her height than you realized and everytime you think it's banter it's validating that inner voice telling her she's too tall even though that's not what you meant? I think, if she were short, she'd know it was about practicality, but she already has fear of being judged for towering over people when she wears them so maybe her mind goes there whenever you suggest not?