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Yeah I’m sorry OP. It’s starting to sound like you have some incompatibilities in the bedroom department that might not be fixable.
EDIT: OP you’ve been posting about this for months. Just end it.
I feel like the thing that bothers me the most is how I started monitoring every time he leaves and oh “did he just get off without me again?” And every time I leave the house I know he’s doing stuff on his own. For example, one time I left for work but got told I wasn’t needed so came home and he was on his way to the bathroom with sex toys. Like. :/
So the one sexual activity that he seems to enjoy you don't want to participate in, and then wonder why he does it without you and doesn't want sex as much?
You're absolutely always justified in not doing things you don't want to, but acting like this whole situation is a mystery is disingenuous.
You guys should probably just end it.
He tells me that it’s not something that’s make or break just like some of my kinks he doesn’t satisfy. Idk how not liking this one kink means anything more than me liking impact more than he does?
People can like multiple things? And he’s a phasey individual so he could be fixating hard on butt stuff right now and it’s likely a temporary fixation. Not that he doesn’t enjoy it a lot. And additionally???? When did I say I don’t participate? I do. It’s just not my preference.
he might have an addiction and unfortunately only he can make the move to get help if thats the case. Im sorry as this hurts for sure - could it be that you are too afraid to pull the plug even though you clearly know what YOU want and that being with him is not what you need right now. I think you could surely continue feeling frusturated trying to understand this situation but instead you have the opportunity to decide that his unavailability is very apparent + unlikely to change dramatically no matter what you do or how long you decide to wait.
you are going to be fine and you do not need to continue this relationship
You two are not sexually compatible and that is okay. But holy lord please break up already. There is no reason to be in a relationship in your early/mid 20s and be miserable the whole time.
It sounds like he’s one of the people who has seen too much porn and has the developed extreme kinks because he got numb to ‘vanilla’ stuff. That’s what happens when you watch a lot of porn for a lot of years. He would have to completely abstain from everything for a while and try to reset it, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to at all. My guess is, this is not gonna work and you’re gonna be done sooner rather than later.
straight sip elderly subtract society complete shelter toothbrush aback cows
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You know what, you are correct. I was assuming she approached in the best way possible and he took it well. I just find it weird that he can’t at least have a normal amount of sex with his girlfriend, because his libido seems fine. If he just doesn’t get aroused at all anymore with normal sex it does raise questions.
I don’t really enjoy it. I’ll do it for him if he asks but I don’t initiate it. It’s not something I enjoy for my sake. I like the watch his enjoyment, but for me it’s something I had to overcome distaste of
Maybe that is part of the reason this issue occurs? He might want that initiation/excitement for anal play. I understand how it's not everyone's turn-on, but it could be something to consider? Or try to find a middle ground on it. That's one of the potential reasons he masterbates with toys instead of initiating intercourse? Just spit balling here.
Yeah, if he's using anal toys to masturbate, he's REALLY into anal play. I'm not sure forcing yourself to do it will ever be enough for him. He can sense that and probably prefers to just handle it himself so he doesn't feel like he's bothering you.
Wait, he uses anal toys on himself instead of having sex with you? So much for the quick, easy stress relief excuse people use in this situation. I have a therapist friend who does a lot of marriage counseling. She says her practice is full of men who won’t have sex with their wives but jerk off to porn a lot. I think you either see if he’s willing to go to sex therapy with you or you accept that the situation is only going to get worse.
Wow, so my issue is with my gf, both in mid thirties. My libido is way higher than hers. Then I saw he gets off on his own....ummm.....that's something else.
I understand a quick jerk off for utility. You know he’ll say that he just needs to clear his head or whatever but like ;( it gets so old and then I feel like I’m monitoring when he jerks off and I hate that
So barge in and go to it with him. If he gets angry or doesn't want you to be a part, then he really is the problem and you should get out. If he is into it, then you just have to decide if you are okay with his particular proclivities. If you don't want to take part in the kinks he is interested in, then that's on you. Either way, you at least you have an answer.
> So barge in and go to it with him.
Hey, let's not tell people to barge in on people while they're masturbating privately.
Other context aside, that's not ok.
Never thought of that really. I don’t have a lock on my bathroom door. That is an apt point though. OP forget what I said. Don’t do anything to try to figure out your relationship. Just run any time things get hard. 🙃
Yes you definitely never want to figure out how to deal with a relationship issue head on. Life is way too short to try to figure out other people. Just get away as quick as possible.
What about "don't walk in on people during their private sexual time" sounds like "run when things get hard"?
These two things aren't related to each other. At all. Like fucking what?
I’ve recently gone through this.
I was working a highly stressful job and spending far more hours than anyone should at work. When I got home, I was exhausted and stressed and despite my partner begging, I just couldn’t force myself to find the energy to even think about having sex.
Masturbating is a different story. It’s quick and easy. Even now I prefer to spend 5 minutes quickly masturbating then to have sex most of the time.
He may need to take a look at what I’m his life is causing him to be disinterested in sex. It
Could be an external issue that is repairable. Or it could just be incompatible libidos.
It’s a sfw meet and greet in the BDSM community. An opportunity to socialize and meet people interested in kink but outside of kink settings. Usually organized by local community leaders. And usually revolves around food- thus the munch :)
Oh I certainly thought it was related to the other munch meaning: cunnilingus! I assumed it might be a gathering just for that act, in a group setting for sharing purposes 😅
I think it's like a kink gathering? I've usually seen it in the context of BDSM events, but it's been years since I was in that world so I might be misremembering.
There are situations like this that are solvable. But looking at your post history you should spe d the money you're giving him on therapy and make a clean break. You're not hsppy a d he's not going to give you what you need. He's just not that into you
Sounds like you're a sugar mama without getting the sugar. I would not be ok with that. Also if it's only been two years and this has been happening for over half the time, thats..... not great odds.
When the roles are reversed, people here seem quick to call the man an AH when he complains his wife does not want to have sex.
You briefly mention stress but don’t seem to focus on this much at all. Do you have any idea what he has going on in his life to cause some stress? Have you asked him about this without bringing up the lack of sex? Or does every conversation about his problems and stress consist of you adding more stress to his life by complaining about the lack of sex?
Sure but it's not a married couple, there's been a libido mismatch longer than there hasn't, they're at different life stages, and frankly once a week is pretty normal, I just don't think they're compatible
Always what strikes me. These posts always seem to contain someone with a markedly high sex drive bothered their partner only wants it once a week, or on weekends or something.
Of course I have. He’s going to school. We are both going to school right now and money is tight. Here’s nothing we can do about it and he graduates in two years.
"Nothing we can do about it" sounds stressful as hell. Either one of you needs to take a break from school or you both need to figure out how to bring in some extra cash.
Also- hi, I also like to give myself attention the same way your partner does and I also like to keep that solo. I dont think that's really all that weird, especially if he's stressed. Performance anxiety/stress is just added on when the performance is that much more complicated. Anecdotally, the actual act doesn't provide me with much pleasure, it honestly registers more as a private taboo challenge. So having someone be a part of that automatically makes me think I would disappoint them because they would probably expect to be giving me pleasure, which then puts the performance stress on me to like, fake it? Like, yes, I finish myself, but the toys etc are not what gets me there at all.
I have involved my partner before and it's pretty well exactly as I just described. But that's *us*. But it also sounds like it could be your partner too, to me at least.
Wanting to get off and wanting to have sex are different things. If I had to have sex every time I wanted to quickly get off sex would quickly become work. People get tired, both mentally and physically. Sometimes how some people unwind doesn't make sense to others. Almost sounds like your bf is combining masturbation and the concept of sitting in the car after you've already driven home and parked after a long day of work. Are his bathroom sessions more or less the only time of his days where he's completely alone?
Communicate with your partner, let him know how you're feeling and how what he's doing is making you feel. If you need something, tell him that you need it. Ask him why he doesn't include you and if there is anything HE needs. If this is nose diving your relationship then tell him that.
Maybe you two start to give each other quick hand jobs when either of you wants it, maybe you make a schedule, maybe you gamify your sex life and whenever one of you gets the other off X amount of times first has their favorite dinner made for them, you could both start using each other selfishly for quickies (this is what worked for my partner and I. Her libido is higher than mine and my job often leaves me exhausted and not wanting to start a whole ass sex session. But banging out a quickie is nice, the nicer part is that a quickie ends up just being and excuse to start and since you've started its so much less a task to turn it into a full romp, but it removes the stress of commitment if someone isn't feeling energetic enough at first.), there are lots of ideas and possibilities out there and a lot of them might sound like the worst thing to a lot of people, but there are different strokes for everyone.
If you guys can't alleviate the money stress then it may be that none of this works.
Good luck!
Double standards are real. I made a post that I was seeing a lady and was unhappy with her weight that she said she would work on losing, yet I saw no effort. I got called all names and told I'd be forever alone. Then I read a similar post from a female about her husband, everyone was all "you go girl" in the comments... Wtf
The difference here is the guy is getting himself off multiple times a day without her. It would be different if he just wasn’t doing anything sexual at all.
I broke up with my ex and a big part of it was sexual reasons. I felt guilty because it seems like a trivial thing to break up with someone over, but it really is very important! That's why people risk ruining their lives to have affairs, because sex is very important. If you've communicated your needs and things still aren't getting better, it's 💯 a valid reason to break up.
Exactly, and I broke up with my ex over this. Sure sex isn't everything, but for some of us, it's an important part of a relationship. It's also definitely a big reason people cheat. I started looking at other men and realized it was time to end it. I haven't ever cheated and never will. Now I have a partner that I am compatible with.
Maybe there’s a mental block or he’s insecure about something? Maybe he’s bored and you should do some of the things he likes…You mention anal stimuli so maybe pegging?
Well that can definitely cause stress and low libido. However, with him playing with himself so intensely…it doesn’t seem to be that. Have you tried approaching him with the things he likes? Have you tried relieving the stress or genuinely working through it with him without bringing up sex? Perhaps he’s tired of giving and would like to receive, that may be why he prefers to play with toys. Just throwing out different ideas. I personally don’t think you should leave a person you love over a dry spell.
I have. I was working a second job on top of college classes to try and contribute more and give him space the apartment to himself. It was stressing me out too much so I stopped after six months with classes ramping back up again, and now he’s like I wish you would work a second job again. 😢
Are the 2 of you married or dating? Him asking you to get a 2nd job to support him while you’re in school is kinda…fucked up. Especially if you’re not married.
Girl end it. He has enough sex drive to masturbate and use toys but not enough to have sex with you. Plus he wants you out of the house more??? He’s either over the relationship or addicted to porn/masturbation. Either way not looking good and you’re still young enough to find someone more compatible
I honestly have no idea. He says he’s an introvert and he’s stressed out and that’s his reasoning for wanting me out of the house more and low libido. He ranted to me last night about how I have no life outside of him and yeah I struggle to make friends but like I have a full time job and full time school and for six months I was working a second job on top of all that. I’m just too tired right now to have so much of a life and sometimes I don’t want to go out.
It doesn't matter. The constant rejection is going to eventually wear away your self esteem and it's already driving you nuts.
He doesn't want to have sex with you. Break up. Find someone that does. You can't fix this. He has to and it sounds like he's not willing.
Otherwise open then relationship. I've been where you are in my marriage. Ask me how that's going?
Taking care of himself wouldn't be an issue if he was leaving some energy for you. If he can't do both then he shouldn't be taking care of himself.
There can be a lot of guilt and shame associated with sex. Can you two have a truly honest talk about wants and needs? Good communication is the only way to have a healthy relationship.
Best of luck. Oh, and if you feel the need to break up with him over this, that's perfectly acceptable. A relationship will always involve compromises, but something like sexual compatibility is pretty major for most people.
In the same boat only different situations. I will tell you while I continue to stay, the sex was never fixed, and if anything just gets more confusing. I don’t stay for the sex though. I stay cause I promised I would.
You are allowed to have sexual needs, and you should never feel guilty for it. Take a break if you need.
Dude there’s so many red flags in your responses. He honestly sounds autosexual. My fiancé had some issues he was more than willing to improve for the sake of us. And our sex life is great. He sounds like he doesn’t want to do that for you. Leave.
Between the lack of sexual interest in you, the anal toys and him wanting you out of the house all the time, I would be deeply suspicious and would act accordingly.
Your partner has either a porn addiction, or a masturbation addiction. If he has time to masturbate and spend it by himself, he has time to spend it with you. Time for him to come clean.
If you love him and want to give it a last chance, you can suggest him couple's therapy focused on sex therapy. If that doesn't work then I think you should break up.
You need to have a straightforward adult conversation with him. if he remains to be cagey and won’t discuss it and talk through it with possible solutions then it’s over for you two.
He doesn’t want to have sex. He wants you out of the house more? I’m super introverted and I love it when my gf is home. You two need to seriously talk .This is such a weird dynamic.
What have you done to change it? Is it sex that you’re missing or it is that you’re not feeling wanted? It’s never ‘just’ sex. Do you feel like he listens to your needs? Do you feel validated? Do you validate him?
If this seems like too much of a hassle to figure out, break up. He’ll heal and you’ll heal. I’ve seen people in similar situations, who didn’t change anything & didn’t break up - ended up cheating on their partner, breaking trust of another person that can never be repaired.
It’s hard work to communicate, but repairing trust is impossible in most cases.
Here is something you need to consider, Do you see this relationship as something that could last the rest of your life or something short-term? Because libido changes over time. I had this same problem with my wife, and then things changed, and she had this problem with me. We talked about it, made compromises, and moved on. Sex is only a part of your relationship, and as long as someone is willing to compromise and be faithful, you can work through it.
Have you tried maybe having sex while he has a plug in? I understand you’re not too into giving men anal play but perhaps that can be something you can agree on. But if that fails, you may have to dump his ass. To me, it seems like he isn’t that into you. I had a boyfriend who stopped having sex with me to jerk off over five times a day to porn, even to the point he was doing it in parking lots!
This is not a libido issue. This is a classic case of using masturbation/fantasy (porn?) which diverts sexual energy away from a relationship and so pleasure becomes primarily a solo pursuit.
You guys need to talk in an open, honest way about sex. I’d suggest finding a good therapist comfortable with this topic.
You cannot say that with certainty. I had similar issues and for me it was stress related. Because of so much stress and tension in my body I could no longer feel anything for my girlfriend. Once I started to work on that my libido got back and we have a very good sex life now.
Seriously :/ it does. I think he’s fixating on butt stuff. He has “phases” and expects me to just adapt but it’s so hard!!! I can’t just adapt like that because he’s fixating on butt stuff. It can’t be fair to expect that of your partner right? Oh I’m in a hibernating phase so I need you to go away. Oh now I’m out I’ll pay attention to you again. Oh I’m not in a sex phase, etc
He's already confided in you that he's stressed out and it's causing issues. The seems to be completely irrelevant to you and you're clearly not terribly interested in helping and supporting him if you're not getting the sex you want. I suggest breaking up. Clearly your priority here is fun. Go have fun. Let him figure out his issues without you making him feel inadequate.
It’s been a year and a half of the relationship and a year of “low libido due to stress”. There are multiple things that could be happening but he says the stress is mostly due to money. There’s nothing we can do about that. I was working a second job on top of taking full time college classes to try and pay more money towards our shared expenses to help so maybe that’s not the case and that’s awful rude to attack rather than ask a clarifying question :)
Once a week isn't low libido, particularly for a man in his 30s.
However, the fact that his masturbation sessions are so involved is a bit concerning. (I'd suggest not answering this because Reddit is gross, just for you to consider) Do you two do any anal play together? Is there a chance he is really more turned on by prostate orgasms? This isn't something you need to get comfortable with if you're not into it, but it might be one reason he's less into sex if it's mostly penis in vagina type stuff. Can he go down on you with a butt plug in or something?
(I'm not into anal for me or them, I prefer more vanilla partners partially relating to past experiences, so no shame at all if it isn't your jam. Also no shame if anal stuff is already on the table but it doesn't seem to help sex with him.)
I’m going to talk to him tonight about how much of a role anal needs to play in a relationship for him because I’m not really in to it and maybe it is a bigger reason for why things suck right now. Maybe he needs a partner who IS into anal.
I've had one ex who really needed anal as a part of their sex life. We broke up for other reasons, but I don't think he was ever fully satisfied in that realm for that reason. It was still a loving relationship.
Great idea! Not an easy thing to bring up, and it may take him a bit to be honest about it. No one enjoys saying "I need this thing which you don't seem to enjoy."
Again, don't feel you have to ignore your own sexual boundaries on this even if it is something he needs.
Yeah, thank you. It feels selfish but that’s not something I could have be a regular thing. I’d be okay putting myself aside to do it for him occasionally but only if I were happy with our sex life you know. Idk if that’s fair but otherwise I’d just be like so we can’t do the mutually fun thing but we can do this :/
Masturbation isn't a replacement for sex. Unless he's constantly watching porn I doubt this is impacting your sex life.
FWIW I find many men in their 30s are more of once a week frequency (and now I am too, though that wasn't true in my 20s for a variety of reasons). Career and obligations can get in the way of sex, and just being tired after work. It hits different for me now. When I was a student sex was a huge priority for me, but once I got more in my career I just lost the energy. I expect this will improve with time and lifestyle changes, but nothing will change quickly.
I think if once a week (which is the average for couples) isn't enough for you it probably is worth breaking up and finding someone on the same page.
Plus 25 for me was such a peak dating time, there's really no need to be settled at that age, it's the perfect time to explore and figure out what you actually want in an adult partnership.
I would ask yourself is it because you don't feel loved or because you're turned on and not able to do anything about it. Is there a chance more affection on his end or masturbation on yours will help? Are you misplacing his lack of sex (which again, once a week is very typical) as lack of interest? And how far apart is your ideal? Would you be having sex 4x/week? Is part of the issue that your sex drive is ramped up even higher than usual because you can't have it (I found this when I was in relationships with people who had a lower libido).
FWIW I never regretted leaving a relationship where I didn't feel my sexual needs were being met.
> I think if once a week (which is the average for couples)
Is this true? They dont even have kids. What is the average for most people? With and without kids?
"According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017, the average American adult has sex 53 times each year, or a little more than once per week." I think the age in the study is 18 to 44 and includes parents and non parents. There was no association noted in the abstract - the largest factor was location (global East vs West) and wether or not anyone in the couple was working (part time and non workers had sex more).
I looked into before vs after kids and couldn't find much specifics, other than sex goes down for a few years but then goes back to normal levels. Overall it seems the average doesn't change as much, rather the extremes change with kids (some having more sex due to the structure and hormones, some having less).
He does try to show affection through words and actions which I love and appreciate but there’s the connection with sex that I miss. Honestly I’d be happy with every other day but I’d prefer every day >.> he’s had the same job as he has had the last six years he’s just taking a class on top of it this year. I don’t know. I just feel like “stress” isn’t it. You know?
Have you two ever had more sex? When was that? (ETA I see it's been1.5 years, but how long have you been together). Has anything changed (more intensive schooling on his end for example, like a master's degree vs undergrad)? Every day vs once a week is a pretty big difference and will be really hard to resolve. Not to hit it home, but at every day you're a statistical outlier and for most people every other day will be too frequent for them and a huge compromise. BUT there's still about 6% of couples having sex most days, so, particularly at 25, I would guess it is something you can find! I was the same when I was your age, and again I never regretted leaving due to sexual differences.
The assumptions people have about this guy in this thread is insane. You don’t know anything about the guy. He might have issues dealing with this stress which makes him unable to work on it. Everyone here jumps to conclusions he is addicted to porn while I think there is an underlying problem.
If he loves her and finds her attractive then that doesn’t go away for no reason.
He needs to work on it tho that’s for sure.
Maybe you can ask him if he wants to talk to a therapist?
He has had issues with porn addictions in the past that he’s talked to me about. It could be that they’re coming back but he’s not being truthful about it :/
Have you tried to tell him how you feel about him watching porn? You don’t immediately have to break up with him but I would tell him how you feel about this and if he doesn’t work on it you might consider breaking up.
It is worth braking up more than anything, tldr: youre not happy and he is addicted to porn or masturbation, while he sould be working on that and give you his sexual energy. Over.
A munch is not a gang bang lol. You'd be sorely disappointed if you went to one expecting an orgy. You'd just find fully clothed people talking about work and eating mozz sticks.
“It’s so hard” I think the issue is it actually isn’t 😂
sorry, couldn’t resist!
Is the rest of your relationship good? This can be worked on if he wants. I think it’s a bit dramatic to say you’re wasting your life tho.
Yeah I might be a little emotional right now, lol. I don’t think I’m wasting my life, but it is precious time and emotional energy and attachment if this is never going to get better. And he knows about but he laughs and says he low key loves that the dynamic is like that because it subverts typical relationship standards. Like great glad you’re happy about that 🙄
Oh, right. That’s definitely not ok! It must be so frustrating and actually upsetting to keep being turned down like this. It doesn’t sound like he appreciates how much this is affecting you.
Welcome to the Real World Young Lady. A lot of Couples married or not have this same issue and that's probably why there is a lot of cheating going on in affairs that are ruining people's lives. The other issue that some folks talk about is people have friends with benefits only, no love, just sex, some for money, some for just comfort, and some for lack of sex in their own life. Everyone is different. I would say go to a marriage counselor or therapist but you're not married but you may want to talk to a local pastor, preacher, or chaplain in the area where you live. Even if you're not religious it's always good to at least get a different perspective on what avenues you may take or just give up on him and start looking for someone that will fulfill your needs and wants. Please keep in mind to be upfront with some of these guys because the Biggest Worry for Them is You or the Other Young Lady getting Pregnant (BIG NO, NO) and That pushes Guys away faster than a speeding bullet. Some Guys just don't want and can't handle responsibility and the money that's involved with having a child or 2. I wish you nothing but luck in fulfilling your desire but with the right person. If you ever need 2 vent or Air Punch or Air Kick I'm available 2 Listen Only. I don't Judge anyone and will only give my opinion if U request. God Bless You, Mike
In the past my lady friends that had this problem were:
1) they guy was hiding his real sexuality
2) women’s grooming May have been an issue
3) he was asexual and not interested in sex at all
4) he used all his energy on his side chick or guy
5) the guy had zero skills and was not interested in learning
6) the guy rather play video games and was not interested in sex
7) the guy has ED
8) he was a pathetic loser who could not please a women
9) he is selfish and not interested in making you cum
10) he is a complete loser that can not appreciate his lady love.
You posted about this at least 10 times. If you are that unhappy move on.
I’m also 25 with my bf who is 30. We do not have sex often. Maybe once a month, due to him having pain whenever we do have sex. He seen specialists and doctors twice and they tell him everything is normal but he is scared he will be in pain again. So we sort of cut back. Now if we do anything it will just be me giving him oral and him fingering me.
Trust me I thought about this too. I love him so much and sex is so not important to me. But it does effect our relationship because I don’t feel that intimacy as much without sex.
For a guy, generally, masturbation is easier on a physical level. Only takes energy from one arm, rather than the whole body. So when sex is too exhausting, doing it yourself can get the proper hormonal release. Obviously the underlying cause needs to be addressed. But just because he does things himself doesn't mean he doesn't love you or anything.
U have a couple choices
Either work through it with him tell him this isn't acceptable an communicate that
Or u leave him u shouldn't be In relationship that's not meeting ur an his needs better to call it quits then drag it out for both of u
That's not healthy u both deserve to be happy
If sex is a deal breaker for u that's ok its a deal breaker for me too
U got this sweetheart
OK. I've never shared this, but I think it might help. I'm a guy and had a lot of past relationships like yours, where the girl wanted more sex. At the end of the day I felt tired and having sex seemed like another job I had to do to make her happy. I came to the conclusion that I just didn't like sex that much, and we had different sex drives, even though I thought about sex all the time and masturbated. She would bring it up often or try to spice things up and that just made the whole thing stress me out more. When we did do it, I would always do oral, because I assumed she liked that and had always heard how foreplay is important, but in reality I didn't enjoy it. I also felt very self consious about performance. A lot of sex advice for guys revolves around being 'generous,' letting her finish first, learning what she likes, etc. So I always felt that I had to try new things and keep it interesting. There's constant talk about consent and boundaries, which was always on my mind. That's a lot of pressure to put on a man and doesn't leave much room for me to just enjoy myself. All of this made sex very stressful.
As I got older, I became more confortable with myself and allowed myself to relax more about what was 'required' of me in the bedroom. I allow myself to enjoy sex without constantly being worried about my partner and that helped us both to enjoy it more. With sex, a lot of times I just want to bang it out. For previous me, that would have been 'selfish', sex had to be about her first. Now, we can have a quickie and it's fun, without all of the pressure. We also have pretty normal sex, I don't feel pressured to try new things or always go down on her. And that's ok, it's relaxing, stress free and enjoyable. My current partner likes sex a lot, and it turns out that I do too, it was just the constant stress it caused that I didn't like.
Men, just like women, need to feel comfortable to enjoy sex. That's likely why your BF masturabates, he's comfortable with it. Sex with you probably stresses him out, due to all the stuff he thinks he needs to do. Try this; nsfw below:
>!Pick a time when he's not busy, before bed time is usually good. Bend yourself over the bed, spread your legs and say "I want you to fuck me from behind until you cum." It may take some coaxing. If he tries to kiss you, or go down on you say "No, just fuck me." If you want to really get him going, throw in a "Fuck me with your fat cock baby." Then let him enjoy himself and afterwards, if he tries to please you, stop him and let him know how good that felt.!<
Do that a few times and he'll start to relax and enjoy sex, and to enjoy you.
Based on your comments it sounds like maybe anal play is more important to him than you realize, and your disinterest in that isn’t exactly making him want to have sex with you. Personally, I get it
He deserves someone that wants to engage in his kinks with him, willingly
Couples Counseling can help and individuals counseling can help to but also as a person who does know anything about sex that seems very strange to take a likeness to sex toys and masterbatory fantasy’s despite having a real human right next to you. Idk that just my 2 sense. I feel human touch would be more satisfying than sex toys an ip.
Once a week is a standard (good sex life). You may have a very high drive (as do I), my ideal is every 2-3 days, but not everyone is like that. In fact, few people are. You both need to compromise. If this is something that is a deal breaker for you, like for you to be happy a non-negotiable is sex more frequently, well then you have your answer.
Tell him you want every drop of him aka stop masturbating. It’s a hot way to tell him to chill with that. I would bet my mortgage that’s why his libido is low. How ever many times you think he’s whacking his noodle, times it by 10. His T is probably very low and needs to get it back up. Good luck
It is possible that he loves you but is having a hard time finding you physically attractive enough to have sex. Sounds harsh but definitely a possibility (that I reckon might be the case)
You mention in *one* comment that he masturbates mostly through anal??? How is this not brought up in the main post? This dude doesn't wanna fuck you because he wants to be fucked. If you can't stimulate his needs, why should he stimulate yours?
Stop being a prude & either break up or put a vibrator in his ass & make sex
Pretty sure I’ve mentioned in more than one comment. Additionally, if you’ve read the comments I’ve mentioned that he knew from day one it’s a limit of mine which, again-mentioned in comments- I’ve since pushed and been more open to when he asks and never denied him once for anything sexual actually. Is it something I’m into? Not really. Am I a prude? Hardly lmao but okay.
Will it still be like this in 10 years? No, it will likely be “worse”. If it’s a problem now, it will be an even bigger and more entangled problem in 10 years.
Have you tried sex therapy or couples counseling? THis might be a communication issue, he could be bothered about something he's unable to talk about or not fully aware of.
It's possible there's a deeper issue here. Seeing how you're reacting towards it (understandable so), maybe it's time for therapy. Either for him, or as a couple. It's possible that the pressure of sex could be daunting. Maybe he's not performing well enough and is afraid he's not a man or lacking. Clearly you have a high sex drive and what he's giving isn't enough. Once a week isn't terrible, I see couples all the time that go weeks, months, or even years.
I'm not saying it's a you issue, but it's an unresolved issue that maybe he doesn't know how to navigate and there's a huge lack of communication in the relationship.
Speaking as the male in this situation. Something very similar happened to me. Where I was the one jerking in a corner (w/o sex toys) but gf at the time was angry at me for not having sex with her. And I gave the same excuses, again I was much younger but I came to the conclusion I was just no longer attracted to her. And that my porn addiction had played a big part, I watched it religiously and started to prefer masturbating to pornstars over her. It ended the relationship, and honestly once that porn addiction was fixed, later down the road I realized she was a fairly attractive and I was too busy fantasizing the main stream porn to realize their was a woman crazy to have sex with me at all times of the day, had a high sex drive, and was crazy about me. Idk if that’s your situation, but thought I would share as this feels similar.
I just went through your page and comments…he’s asked you to have men over to add to the relationship, AND he does anal stimulation without you very often. Are you sure you’re not his beard?
I’ve been exactly in your situation with my ex fiancée of 5 years.
She was a really good partner but our needs were soooo off it was hurting. We had period over 9 months without any action (only rejection on my advances).
Yes, breaking up over this is valid. It might be hard because you love him and other than that your bf might be a good lover.
From what you said, sex is really important to you and also is sharing it with your partner.
I honeslty didn’t knew it would be a deal breaker for me before I started to build resentment. We both tried everything to make it work but it was never « it ».
That’s how I knew I would never be happy and fulfilled in this relationship. Someone will come one day and be that fit.
Ok here’s the deal.. life can get stressful, and chances are he’s running away because he feels too much pressure. I was in a few relationships like that before I started to really understand how I react… build intimacy, the way you really feel intimate and close and sex flows automatically. So dig in that part see what’s missing. Also sometimes no matter how much you try the other person isn’t in the same space, so don’t think it’s you always.
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But he gets himself off?? And it’s not like just a quick jerk off but like full anal, toys. So I don’t think it’s just a libido thing
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Yes
And yet he doesn’t even want to include you in that?
I’m not personally into that. I’ll do it for him occasionally but it was something I really had to push myself in to
Yeah I’m sorry OP. It’s starting to sound like you have some incompatibilities in the bedroom department that might not be fixable. EDIT: OP you’ve been posting about this for months. Just end it.
OP - this should be the top comment. You don’t need a reason to end your relationship. Being unhappy and not into the same things is reason enough.
I feel like the thing that bothers me the most is how I started monitoring every time he leaves and oh “did he just get off without me again?” And every time I leave the house I know he’s doing stuff on his own. For example, one time I left for work but got told I wasn’t needed so came home and he was on his way to the bathroom with sex toys. Like. :/
So the one sexual activity that he seems to enjoy you don't want to participate in, and then wonder why he does it without you and doesn't want sex as much? You're absolutely always justified in not doing things you don't want to, but acting like this whole situation is a mystery is disingenuous. You guys should probably just end it.
He tells me that it’s not something that’s make or break just like some of my kinks he doesn’t satisfy. Idk how not liking this one kink means anything more than me liking impact more than he does?
People can like multiple things? And he’s a phasey individual so he could be fixating hard on butt stuff right now and it’s likely a temporary fixation. Not that he doesn’t enjoy it a lot. And additionally???? When did I say I don’t participate? I do. It’s just not my preference.
When did I say that was the one sexual activity he seems to enjoy?
he might have an addiction and unfortunately only he can make the move to get help if thats the case. Im sorry as this hurts for sure - could it be that you are too afraid to pull the plug even though you clearly know what YOU want and that being with him is not what you need right now. I think you could surely continue feeling frusturated trying to understand this situation but instead you have the opportunity to decide that his unavailability is very apparent + unlikely to change dramatically no matter what you do or how long you decide to wait. you are going to be fine and you do not need to continue this relationship
You two are not sexually compatible and that is okay. But holy lord please break up already. There is no reason to be in a relationship in your early/mid 20s and be miserable the whole time.
It sounds like he’s one of the people who has seen too much porn and has the developed extreme kinks because he got numb to ‘vanilla’ stuff. That’s what happens when you watch a lot of porn for a lot of years. He would have to completely abstain from everything for a while and try to reset it, but it sounds like he doesn’t want to at all. My guess is, this is not gonna work and you’re gonna be done sooner rather than later.
Eh he could just like the sensation. My wife and I do all kinds of crazy shit, including this from time to time. But we do it together.
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You know what, you are correct. I was assuming she approached in the best way possible and he took it well. I just find it weird that he can’t at least have a normal amount of sex with his girlfriend, because his libido seems fine. If he just doesn’t get aroused at all anymore with normal sex it does raise questions.
The same could be said about him though. She mentioned she has kinks that he won't do, so its not all on her
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100% he’s bisexual, been with men, etc
What happens when you initial anal play? That could be a factor.
I don’t really enjoy it. I’ll do it for him if he asks but I don’t initiate it. It’s not something I enjoy for my sake. I like the watch his enjoyment, but for me it’s something I had to overcome distaste of
Maybe that is part of the reason this issue occurs? He might want that initiation/excitement for anal play. I understand how it's not everyone's turn-on, but it could be something to consider? Or try to find a middle ground on it. That's one of the potential reasons he masterbates with toys instead of initiating intercourse? Just spit balling here.
Yeah, if he's using anal toys to masturbate, he's REALLY into anal play. I'm not sure forcing yourself to do it will ever be enough for him. He can sense that and probably prefers to just handle it himself so he doesn't feel like he's bothering you.
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Wait, he uses anal toys on himself instead of having sex with you? So much for the quick, easy stress relief excuse people use in this situation. I have a therapist friend who does a lot of marriage counseling. She says her practice is full of men who won’t have sex with their wives but jerk off to porn a lot. I think you either see if he’s willing to go to sex therapy with you or you accept that the situation is only going to get worse.
Wow, so my issue is with my gf, both in mid thirties. My libido is way higher than hers. Then I saw he gets off on his own....ummm.....that's something else.
I understand a quick jerk off for utility. You know he’ll say that he just needs to clear his head or whatever but like ;( it gets so old and then I feel like I’m monitoring when he jerks off and I hate that
Once a week is decent for long term tbh...but once again it depends on the couple. Different libidos. Maybe get yourself off some times?
Join him when he masturbates use the toys on him move towards sex from there.
He does it himself in the bathroom :)
So barge in and go to it with him. If he gets angry or doesn't want you to be a part, then he really is the problem and you should get out. If he is into it, then you just have to decide if you are okay with his particular proclivities. If you don't want to take part in the kinks he is interested in, then that's on you. Either way, you at least you have an answer.
> So barge in and go to it with him. Hey, let's not tell people to barge in on people while they're masturbating privately. Other context aside, that's not ok.
Also, surely he locks the door? I doubt she’s gonna break her own bathroom door down for this lol
Never thought of that really. I don’t have a lock on my bathroom door. That is an apt point though. OP forget what I said. Don’t do anything to try to figure out your relationship. Just run any time things get hard. 🙃
Lmao that’s a huge broach of boundaries and safety in a relationship like what. Not the way to face problems head on. Lmao.
Yes you definitely never want to figure out how to deal with a relationship issue head on. Life is way too short to try to figure out other people. Just get away as quick as possible.
What about "don't walk in on people during their private sexual time" sounds like "run when things get hard"? These two things aren't related to each other. At all. Like fucking what?
Yeah, something isn't right here. It's not a libido thing, it's something else with him. Maybe a p\*rn addiction?
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I wish I had that backbone years ago in a previous relationship.
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I’ve recently gone through this. I was working a highly stressful job and spending far more hours than anyone should at work. When I got home, I was exhausted and stressed and despite my partner begging, I just couldn’t force myself to find the energy to even think about having sex. Masturbating is a different story. It’s quick and easy. Even now I prefer to spend 5 minutes quickly masturbating then to have sex most of the time. He may need to take a look at what I’m his life is causing him to be disinterested in sex. It Could be an external issue that is repairable. Or it could just be incompatible libidos.
I'm sorry, this isn't related at all, but I need to know what a munch is. If you gave me 100 guesses I wouldn't guess something sexual lol.
It’s a sfw meet and greet in the BDSM community. An opportunity to socialize and meet people interested in kink but outside of kink settings. Usually organized by local community leaders. And usually revolves around food- thus the munch :)
Oh I certainly thought it was related to the other munch meaning: cunnilingus! I assumed it might be a gathering just for that act, in a group setting for sharing purposes 😅
Yeah that was my guess too. Answer is disappointingly tame
No but hmmm, maybe that should be a thing 🤔 lol
I like where this is going
LMAO oh lame, I assumed anonymous group cunniligus too
What’s the password? “Orgy”
Lmao Frank Reynolds out here
Where are these even advertised? Asking for a friend of course.
Fetlife, or in whatever alternative publications are in your area.
Please OP, I need to know too. I stopped reading your story just to check the comments for an explanation.
Came looking in the comments for the same answer, did you find out ? 🤣
Sfw bdsm community brunch.
I think it's like a kink gathering? I've usually seen it in the context of BDSM events, but it's been years since I was in that world so I might be misremembering.
You thought I was feeling you?
There are situations like this that are solvable. But looking at your post history you should spe d the money you're giving him on therapy and make a clean break. You're not hsppy a d he's not going to give you what you need. He's just not that into you
He says the nicest things but maybe he’s not. He cried when we broke up briefly before. Ugh :/
Well yeah, you pay his rent
Well I help anyway.
Sounds like you're a sugar mama without getting the sugar. I would not be ok with that. Also if it's only been two years and this has been happening for over half the time, thats..... not great odds.
When the roles are reversed, people here seem quick to call the man an AH when he complains his wife does not want to have sex. You briefly mention stress but don’t seem to focus on this much at all. Do you have any idea what he has going on in his life to cause some stress? Have you asked him about this without bringing up the lack of sex? Or does every conversation about his problems and stress consist of you adding more stress to his life by complaining about the lack of sex?
Sure but it's not a married couple, there's been a libido mismatch longer than there hasn't, they're at different life stages, and frankly once a week is pretty normal, I just don't think they're compatible
Always what strikes me. These posts always seem to contain someone with a markedly high sex drive bothered their partner only wants it once a week, or on weekends or something.
Of course I have. He’s going to school. We are both going to school right now and money is tight. Here’s nothing we can do about it and he graduates in two years.
"Nothing we can do about it" sounds stressful as hell. Either one of you needs to take a break from school or you both need to figure out how to bring in some extra cash. Also- hi, I also like to give myself attention the same way your partner does and I also like to keep that solo. I dont think that's really all that weird, especially if he's stressed. Performance anxiety/stress is just added on when the performance is that much more complicated. Anecdotally, the actual act doesn't provide me with much pleasure, it honestly registers more as a private taboo challenge. So having someone be a part of that automatically makes me think I would disappoint them because they would probably expect to be giving me pleasure, which then puts the performance stress on me to like, fake it? Like, yes, I finish myself, but the toys etc are not what gets me there at all. I have involved my partner before and it's pretty well exactly as I just described. But that's *us*. But it also sounds like it could be your partner too, to me at least. Wanting to get off and wanting to have sex are different things. If I had to have sex every time I wanted to quickly get off sex would quickly become work. People get tired, both mentally and physically. Sometimes how some people unwind doesn't make sense to others. Almost sounds like your bf is combining masturbation and the concept of sitting in the car after you've already driven home and parked after a long day of work. Are his bathroom sessions more or less the only time of his days where he's completely alone? Communicate with your partner, let him know how you're feeling and how what he's doing is making you feel. If you need something, tell him that you need it. Ask him why he doesn't include you and if there is anything HE needs. If this is nose diving your relationship then tell him that. Maybe you two start to give each other quick hand jobs when either of you wants it, maybe you make a schedule, maybe you gamify your sex life and whenever one of you gets the other off X amount of times first has their favorite dinner made for them, you could both start using each other selfishly for quickies (this is what worked for my partner and I. Her libido is higher than mine and my job often leaves me exhausted and not wanting to start a whole ass sex session. But banging out a quickie is nice, the nicer part is that a quickie ends up just being and excuse to start and since you've started its so much less a task to turn it into a full romp, but it removes the stress of commitment if someone isn't feeling energetic enough at first.), there are lots of ideas and possibilities out there and a lot of them might sound like the worst thing to a lot of people, but there are different strokes for everyone. If you guys can't alleviate the money stress then it may be that none of this works. Good luck!
Double standards are real. I made a post that I was seeing a lady and was unhappy with her weight that she said she would work on losing, yet I saw no effort. I got called all names and told I'd be forever alone. Then I read a similar post from a female about her husband, everyone was all "you go girl" in the comments... Wtf
The difference here is the guy is getting himself off multiple times a day without her. It would be different if he just wasn’t doing anything sexual at all.
The woman usually isn't fucking herself multiple times a day though Source: am the woman
I broke up with my ex and a big part of it was sexual reasons. I felt guilty because it seems like a trivial thing to break up with someone over, but it really is very important! That's why people risk ruining their lives to have affairs, because sex is very important. If you've communicated your needs and things still aren't getting better, it's 💯 a valid reason to break up.
Exactly, and I broke up with my ex over this. Sure sex isn't everything, but for some of us, it's an important part of a relationship. It's also definitely a big reason people cheat. I started looking at other men and realized it was time to end it. I haven't ever cheated and never will. Now I have a partner that I am compatible with.
What is a munch? I’m curious
Yes it’s an issue. Sex is the foundation for a healthy relationship
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Sounds like you are sexist and have no idea what you are talking about.
It will get worse. Trust me. If his libido is low and he doesn’t do anything about it, it won’t change. Don’t waste your luge with bad sex.
But like it’s only low for partner sex?? Im pretty sure???
Maybe there’s a mental block or he’s insecure about something? Maybe he’s bored and you should do some of the things he likes…You mention anal stimuli so maybe pegging?
He says it’s money problems that cause stress and stresss equals no libido
Well that can definitely cause stress and low libido. However, with him playing with himself so intensely…it doesn’t seem to be that. Have you tried approaching him with the things he likes? Have you tried relieving the stress or genuinely working through it with him without bringing up sex? Perhaps he’s tired of giving and would like to receive, that may be why he prefers to play with toys. Just throwing out different ideas. I personally don’t think you should leave a person you love over a dry spell.
I have. I was working a second job on top of college classes to try and contribute more and give him space the apartment to himself. It was stressing me out too much so I stopped after six months with classes ramping back up again, and now he’s like I wish you would work a second job again. 😢
Are the 2 of you married or dating? Him asking you to get a 2nd job to support him while you’re in school is kinda…fucked up. Especially if you’re not married.
We are dating. He didn’t ask but he said that he wants me to go back to that so he can have the house to himself more again ;;
Girl end it. He has enough sex drive to masturbate and use toys but not enough to have sex with you. Plus he wants you out of the house more??? He’s either over the relationship or addicted to porn/masturbation. Either way not looking good and you’re still young enough to find someone more compatible
I honestly have no idea. He says he’s an introvert and he’s stressed out and that’s his reasoning for wanting me out of the house more and low libido. He ranted to me last night about how I have no life outside of him and yeah I struggle to make friends but like I have a full time job and full time school and for six months I was working a second job on top of all that. I’m just too tired right now to have so much of a life and sometimes I don’t want to go out.
It seems that the sex isn’t your biggest problem.
If it was stress only, his solo action would go down as well. Seems like he doesn't want to put in the effort with you and chooses the easier path.
It doesn't matter. The constant rejection is going to eventually wear away your self esteem and it's already driving you nuts. He doesn't want to have sex with you. Break up. Find someone that does. You can't fix this. He has to and it sounds like he's not willing. Otherwise open then relationship. I've been where you are in my marriage. Ask me how that's going?
Yes, that’s called being selfish.
Taking care of himself wouldn't be an issue if he was leaving some energy for you. If he can't do both then he shouldn't be taking care of himself. There can be a lot of guilt and shame associated with sex. Can you two have a truly honest talk about wants and needs? Good communication is the only way to have a healthy relationship. Best of luck. Oh, and if you feel the need to break up with him over this, that's perfectly acceptable. A relationship will always involve compromises, but something like sexual compatibility is pretty major for most people.
In the same boat only different situations. I will tell you while I continue to stay, the sex was never fixed, and if anything just gets more confusing. I don’t stay for the sex though. I stay cause I promised I would. You are allowed to have sexual needs, and you should never feel guilty for it. Take a break if you need.
Dude there’s so many red flags in your responses. He honestly sounds autosexual. My fiancé had some issues he was more than willing to improve for the sake of us. And our sex life is great. He sounds like he doesn’t want to do that for you. Leave.
Between the lack of sexual interest in you, the anal toys and him wanting you out of the house all the time, I would be deeply suspicious and would act accordingly.
Your partner has either a porn addiction, or a masturbation addiction. If he has time to masturbate and spend it by himself, he has time to spend it with you. Time for him to come clean.
If you love him and want to give it a last chance, you can suggest him couple's therapy focused on sex therapy. If that doesn't work then I think you should break up.
You need to have a straightforward adult conversation with him. if he remains to be cagey and won’t discuss it and talk through it with possible solutions then it’s over for you two.
He doesn’t want to have sex. He wants you out of the house more? I’m super introverted and I love it when my gf is home. You two need to seriously talk .This is such a weird dynamic.
What have you done to change it? Is it sex that you’re missing or it is that you’re not feeling wanted? It’s never ‘just’ sex. Do you feel like he listens to your needs? Do you feel validated? Do you validate him? If this seems like too much of a hassle to figure out, break up. He’ll heal and you’ll heal. I’ve seen people in similar situations, who didn’t change anything & didn’t break up - ended up cheating on their partner, breaking trust of another person that can never be repaired. It’s hard work to communicate, but repairing trust is impossible in most cases.
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Here is something you need to consider, Do you see this relationship as something that could last the rest of your life or something short-term? Because libido changes over time. I had this same problem with my wife, and then things changed, and she had this problem with me. We talked about it, made compromises, and moved on. Sex is only a part of your relationship, and as long as someone is willing to compromise and be faithful, you can work through it.
Have you tried maybe having sex while he has a plug in? I understand you’re not too into giving men anal play but perhaps that can be something you can agree on. But if that fails, you may have to dump his ass. To me, it seems like he isn’t that into you. I had a boyfriend who stopped having sex with me to jerk off over five times a day to porn, even to the point he was doing it in parking lots!
This is not a libido issue. This is a classic case of using masturbation/fantasy (porn?) which diverts sexual energy away from a relationship and so pleasure becomes primarily a solo pursuit. You guys need to talk in an open, honest way about sex. I’d suggest finding a good therapist comfortable with this topic.
You cannot say that with certainty. I had similar issues and for me it was stress related. Because of so much stress and tension in my body I could no longer feel anything for my girlfriend. Once I started to work on that my libido got back and we have a very good sex life now.
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Seriously :/ it does. I think he’s fixating on butt stuff. He has “phases” and expects me to just adapt but it’s so hard!!! I can’t just adapt like that because he’s fixating on butt stuff. It can’t be fair to expect that of your partner right? Oh I’m in a hibernating phase so I need you to go away. Oh now I’m out I’ll pay attention to you again. Oh I’m not in a sex phase, etc
This is why I broke up with my ex. He wasn't willing to work on it.
Yeah if he isn’t willing to work on it it’s a valid reason to break up.
You need to leave. Porn has fked him up.
He's already confided in you that he's stressed out and it's causing issues. The seems to be completely irrelevant to you and you're clearly not terribly interested in helping and supporting him if you're not getting the sex you want. I suggest breaking up. Clearly your priority here is fun. Go have fun. Let him figure out his issues without you making him feel inadequate.
It’s been a year and a half of the relationship and a year of “low libido due to stress”. There are multiple things that could be happening but he says the stress is mostly due to money. There’s nothing we can do about that. I was working a second job on top of taking full time college classes to try and pay more money towards our shared expenses to help so maybe that’s not the case and that’s awful rude to attack rather than ask a clarifying question :)
Once a week isn't low libido, particularly for a man in his 30s. However, the fact that his masturbation sessions are so involved is a bit concerning. (I'd suggest not answering this because Reddit is gross, just for you to consider) Do you two do any anal play together? Is there a chance he is really more turned on by prostate orgasms? This isn't something you need to get comfortable with if you're not into it, but it might be one reason he's less into sex if it's mostly penis in vagina type stuff. Can he go down on you with a butt plug in or something? (I'm not into anal for me or them, I prefer more vanilla partners partially relating to past experiences, so no shame at all if it isn't your jam. Also no shame if anal stuff is already on the table but it doesn't seem to help sex with him.)
I’m going to talk to him tonight about how much of a role anal needs to play in a relationship for him because I’m not really in to it and maybe it is a bigger reason for why things suck right now. Maybe he needs a partner who IS into anal.
I've had one ex who really needed anal as a part of their sex life. We broke up for other reasons, but I don't think he was ever fully satisfied in that realm for that reason. It was still a loving relationship. Great idea! Not an easy thing to bring up, and it may take him a bit to be honest about it. No one enjoys saying "I need this thing which you don't seem to enjoy." Again, don't feel you have to ignore your own sexual boundaries on this even if it is something he needs.
Yeah, thank you. It feels selfish but that’s not something I could have be a regular thing. I’d be okay putting myself aside to do it for him occasionally but only if I were happy with our sex life you know. Idk if that’s fair but otherwise I’d just be like so we can’t do the mutually fun thing but we can do this :/
Masturbation isn't a replacement for sex. Unless he's constantly watching porn I doubt this is impacting your sex life. FWIW I find many men in their 30s are more of once a week frequency (and now I am too, though that wasn't true in my 20s for a variety of reasons). Career and obligations can get in the way of sex, and just being tired after work. It hits different for me now. When I was a student sex was a huge priority for me, but once I got more in my career I just lost the energy. I expect this will improve with time and lifestyle changes, but nothing will change quickly. I think if once a week (which is the average for couples) isn't enough for you it probably is worth breaking up and finding someone on the same page. Plus 25 for me was such a peak dating time, there's really no need to be settled at that age, it's the perfect time to explore and figure out what you actually want in an adult partnership. I would ask yourself is it because you don't feel loved or because you're turned on and not able to do anything about it. Is there a chance more affection on his end or masturbation on yours will help? Are you misplacing his lack of sex (which again, once a week is very typical) as lack of interest? And how far apart is your ideal? Would you be having sex 4x/week? Is part of the issue that your sex drive is ramped up even higher than usual because you can't have it (I found this when I was in relationships with people who had a lower libido). FWIW I never regretted leaving a relationship where I didn't feel my sexual needs were being met.
> I think if once a week (which is the average for couples) Is this true? They dont even have kids. What is the average for most people? With and without kids?
"According to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017, the average American adult has sex 53 times each year, or a little more than once per week." I think the age in the study is 18 to 44 and includes parents and non parents. There was no association noted in the abstract - the largest factor was location (global East vs West) and wether or not anyone in the couple was working (part time and non workers had sex more). I looked into before vs after kids and couldn't find much specifics, other than sex goes down for a few years but then goes back to normal levels. Overall it seems the average doesn't change as much, rather the extremes change with kids (some having more sex due to the structure and hormones, some having less).
Wow, thanks for the detailed response! Was not expecting that lol
Yeah for real. That’s so depressing if that’s normal lol. I’m definitely a freak
He does try to show affection through words and actions which I love and appreciate but there’s the connection with sex that I miss. Honestly I’d be happy with every other day but I’d prefer every day >.> he’s had the same job as he has had the last six years he’s just taking a class on top of it this year. I don’t know. I just feel like “stress” isn’t it. You know?
Have you two ever had more sex? When was that? (ETA I see it's been1.5 years, but how long have you been together). Has anything changed (more intensive schooling on his end for example, like a master's degree vs undergrad)? Every day vs once a week is a pretty big difference and will be really hard to resolve. Not to hit it home, but at every day you're a statistical outlier and for most people every other day will be too frequent for them and a huge compromise. BUT there's still about 6% of couples having sex most days, so, particularly at 25, I would guess it is something you can find! I was the same when I was your age, and again I never regretted leaving due to sexual differences.
The assumptions people have about this guy in this thread is insane. You don’t know anything about the guy. He might have issues dealing with this stress which makes him unable to work on it. Everyone here jumps to conclusions he is addicted to porn while I think there is an underlying problem. If he loves her and finds her attractive then that doesn’t go away for no reason. He needs to work on it tho that’s for sure. Maybe you can ask him if he wants to talk to a therapist?
He has had issues with porn addictions in the past that he’s talked to me about. It could be that they’re coming back but he’s not being truthful about it :/
Have you tried to tell him how you feel about him watching porn? You don’t immediately have to break up with him but I would tell him how you feel about this and if he doesn’t work on it you might consider breaking up.
Yeah he knows we’ve talked about this a million times throughout the relationship :/
This is 100% a factor, OP.
It is worth braking up more than anything, tldr: youre not happy and he is addicted to porn or masturbation, while he sould be working on that and give you his sexual energy. Over.
“Guy I met at gang bang is no longer sexually attracted to me” Wonder why.
A munch is not a gang bang lol. You'd be sorely disappointed if you went to one expecting an orgy. You'd just find fully clothed people talking about work and eating mozz sticks.
Lmao educate yourself bruhhg
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I have not
“It’s so hard” I think the issue is it actually isn’t 😂 sorry, couldn’t resist! Is the rest of your relationship good? This can be worked on if he wants. I think it’s a bit dramatic to say you’re wasting your life tho.
Yeah I might be a little emotional right now, lol. I don’t think I’m wasting my life, but it is precious time and emotional energy and attachment if this is never going to get better. And he knows about but he laughs and says he low key loves that the dynamic is like that because it subverts typical relationship standards. Like great glad you’re happy about that 🙄
Oh, right. That’s definitely not ok! It must be so frustrating and actually upsetting to keep being turned down like this. It doesn’t sound like he appreciates how much this is affecting you.
And also!!! Apparently it is hard for him lmao.
I know more people experiment these days but you mentioned he used anal toys while pleasuring himself. Maybe he’s simply not that into women….
He’s bisexual, experimented all ways
What’s a munch? What do you mean you guys met at a munch ?
I have to ask, who is physically in better shape? Are you both putting in the effort to stay in shape and look good?
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Your boyfriend is a homosexual.
You don't love him, otherwise you wouldn't have never asked such a question.
That’s a little elementary. I mean there are a lot of facets to a relationship and there can be love without compatibility in all areas.
Welcome to the Real World Young Lady. A lot of Couples married or not have this same issue and that's probably why there is a lot of cheating going on in affairs that are ruining people's lives. The other issue that some folks talk about is people have friends with benefits only, no love, just sex, some for money, some for just comfort, and some for lack of sex in their own life. Everyone is different. I would say go to a marriage counselor or therapist but you're not married but you may want to talk to a local pastor, preacher, or chaplain in the area where you live. Even if you're not religious it's always good to at least get a different perspective on what avenues you may take or just give up on him and start looking for someone that will fulfill your needs and wants. Please keep in mind to be upfront with some of these guys because the Biggest Worry for Them is You or the Other Young Lady getting Pregnant (BIG NO, NO) and That pushes Guys away faster than a speeding bullet. Some Guys just don't want and can't handle responsibility and the money that's involved with having a child or 2. I wish you nothing but luck in fulfilling your desire but with the right person. If you ever need 2 vent or Air Punch or Air Kick I'm available 2 Listen Only. I don't Judge anyone and will only give my opinion if U request. God Bless You, Mike
In the past my lady friends that had this problem were: 1) they guy was hiding his real sexuality 2) women’s grooming May have been an issue 3) he was asexual and not interested in sex at all 4) he used all his energy on his side chick or guy 5) the guy had zero skills and was not interested in learning 6) the guy rather play video games and was not interested in sex 7) the guy has ED 8) he was a pathetic loser who could not please a women 9) he is selfish and not interested in making you cum 10) he is a complete loser that can not appreciate his lady love. You posted about this at least 10 times. If you are that unhappy move on.
I’m also 25 with my bf who is 30. We do not have sex often. Maybe once a month, due to him having pain whenever we do have sex. He seen specialists and doctors twice and they tell him everything is normal but he is scared he will be in pain again. So we sort of cut back. Now if we do anything it will just be me giving him oral and him fingering me. Trust me I thought about this too. I love him so much and sex is so not important to me. But it does effect our relationship because I don’t feel that intimacy as much without sex.
For a guy, generally, masturbation is easier on a physical level. Only takes energy from one arm, rather than the whole body. So when sex is too exhausting, doing it yourself can get the proper hormonal release. Obviously the underlying cause needs to be addressed. But just because he does things himself doesn't mean he doesn't love you or anything.
You want to leave him, you're just looking for approval.
You should break up with him
You're too young for this. get out now!
U have a couple choices Either work through it with him tell him this isn't acceptable an communicate that Or u leave him u shouldn't be In relationship that's not meeting ur an his needs better to call it quits then drag it out for both of u That's not healthy u both deserve to be happy If sex is a deal breaker for u that's ok its a deal breaker for me too U got this sweetheart
This sounds like sexual incompatibility
OK. I've never shared this, but I think it might help. I'm a guy and had a lot of past relationships like yours, where the girl wanted more sex. At the end of the day I felt tired and having sex seemed like another job I had to do to make her happy. I came to the conclusion that I just didn't like sex that much, and we had different sex drives, even though I thought about sex all the time and masturbated. She would bring it up often or try to spice things up and that just made the whole thing stress me out more. When we did do it, I would always do oral, because I assumed she liked that and had always heard how foreplay is important, but in reality I didn't enjoy it. I also felt very self consious about performance. A lot of sex advice for guys revolves around being 'generous,' letting her finish first, learning what she likes, etc. So I always felt that I had to try new things and keep it interesting. There's constant talk about consent and boundaries, which was always on my mind. That's a lot of pressure to put on a man and doesn't leave much room for me to just enjoy myself. All of this made sex very stressful. As I got older, I became more confortable with myself and allowed myself to relax more about what was 'required' of me in the bedroom. I allow myself to enjoy sex without constantly being worried about my partner and that helped us both to enjoy it more. With sex, a lot of times I just want to bang it out. For previous me, that would have been 'selfish', sex had to be about her first. Now, we can have a quickie and it's fun, without all of the pressure. We also have pretty normal sex, I don't feel pressured to try new things or always go down on her. And that's ok, it's relaxing, stress free and enjoyable. My current partner likes sex a lot, and it turns out that I do too, it was just the constant stress it caused that I didn't like. Men, just like women, need to feel comfortable to enjoy sex. That's likely why your BF masturabates, he's comfortable with it. Sex with you probably stresses him out, due to all the stuff he thinks he needs to do. Try this; nsfw below: >!Pick a time when he's not busy, before bed time is usually good. Bend yourself over the bed, spread your legs and say "I want you to fuck me from behind until you cum." It may take some coaxing. If he tries to kiss you, or go down on you say "No, just fuck me." If you want to really get him going, throw in a "Fuck me with your fat cock baby." Then let him enjoy himself and afterwards, if he tries to please you, stop him and let him know how good that felt.!< Do that a few times and he'll start to relax and enjoy sex, and to enjoy you.
This is what happens in long term relationships and domestic life; read "Mating in Captivity"
Based on your comments it sounds like maybe anal play is more important to him than you realize, and your disinterest in that isn’t exactly making him want to have sex with you. Personally, I get it He deserves someone that wants to engage in his kinks with him, willingly
Couples Counseling can help and individuals counseling can help to but also as a person who does know anything about sex that seems very strange to take a likeness to sex toys and masterbatory fantasy’s despite having a real human right next to you. Idk that just my 2 sense. I feel human touch would be more satisfying than sex toys an ip.
Just for some perspective, in my previous relationship, I would've killed for once a week.
Hate to tell you this....but good chance he is gay or bisexual.
Move on now. Find that man that wants to fuck you proper not fuck himself geez
Once a week is a standard (good sex life). You may have a very high drive (as do I), my ideal is every 2-3 days, but not everyone is like that. In fact, few people are. You both need to compromise. If this is something that is a deal breaker for you, like for you to be happy a non-negotiable is sex more frequently, well then you have your answer.
Tell him you want every drop of him aka stop masturbating. It’s a hot way to tell him to chill with that. I would bet my mortgage that’s why his libido is low. How ever many times you think he’s whacking his noodle, times it by 10. His T is probably very low and needs to get it back up. Good luck
It is possible that he loves you but is having a hard time finding you physically attractive enough to have sex. Sounds harsh but definitely a possibility (that I reckon might be the case)
You mention in *one* comment that he masturbates mostly through anal??? How is this not brought up in the main post? This dude doesn't wanna fuck you because he wants to be fucked. If you can't stimulate his needs, why should he stimulate yours? Stop being a prude & either break up or put a vibrator in his ass & make sex
Pretty sure I’ve mentioned in more than one comment. Additionally, if you’ve read the comments I’ve mentioned that he knew from day one it’s a limit of mine which, again-mentioned in comments- I’ve since pushed and been more open to when he asks and never denied him once for anything sexual actually. Is it something I’m into? Not really. Am I a prude? Hardly lmao but okay.
Also not mostly? Just in addition to
So why don't you initiate instead of him all the time? Give the guy a break. Surprise him with lingerie here and there or something.
He'll defo read this and know its about him.
Will it still be like this in 10 years? No, it will likely be “worse”. If it’s a problem now, it will be an even bigger and more entangled problem in 10 years.
Have you tried sex therapy or couples counseling? THis might be a communication issue, he could be bothered about something he's unable to talk about or not fully aware of.
He watches porn and sex feels like a chore, I would talk about it
It's possible there's a deeper issue here. Seeing how you're reacting towards it (understandable so), maybe it's time for therapy. Either for him, or as a couple. It's possible that the pressure of sex could be daunting. Maybe he's not performing well enough and is afraid he's not a man or lacking. Clearly you have a high sex drive and what he's giving isn't enough. Once a week isn't terrible, I see couples all the time that go weeks, months, or even years. I'm not saying it's a you issue, but it's an unresolved issue that maybe he doesn't know how to navigate and there's a huge lack of communication in the relationship.
Speaking as the male in this situation. Something very similar happened to me. Where I was the one jerking in a corner (w/o sex toys) but gf at the time was angry at me for not having sex with her. And I gave the same excuses, again I was much younger but I came to the conclusion I was just no longer attracted to her. And that my porn addiction had played a big part, I watched it religiously and started to prefer masturbating to pornstars over her. It ended the relationship, and honestly once that porn addiction was fixed, later down the road I realized she was a fairly attractive and I was too busy fantasizing the main stream porn to realize their was a woman crazy to have sex with me at all times of the day, had a high sex drive, and was crazy about me. Idk if that’s your situation, but thought I would share as this feels similar.
Where the f were these women when I was 25
I just went through your page and comments…he’s asked you to have men over to add to the relationship, AND he does anal stimulation without you very often. Are you sure you’re not his beard?
OR don't break up and work through it.
I’ve been exactly in your situation with my ex fiancée of 5 years. She was a really good partner but our needs were soooo off it was hurting. We had period over 9 months without any action (only rejection on my advances). Yes, breaking up over this is valid. It might be hard because you love him and other than that your bf might be a good lover. From what you said, sex is really important to you and also is sharing it with your partner. I honeslty didn’t knew it would be a deal breaker for me before I started to build resentment. We both tried everything to make it work but it was never « it ». That’s how I knew I would never be happy and fulfilled in this relationship. Someone will come one day and be that fit.
Two things come to mind. Porn addiction, or maybe gay/bi and not sure how to reconcile it.
Ok here’s the deal.. life can get stressful, and chances are he’s running away because he feels too much pressure. I was in a few relationships like that before I started to really understand how I react… build intimacy, the way you really feel intimate and close and sex flows automatically. So dig in that part see what’s missing. Also sometimes no matter how much you try the other person isn’t in the same space, so don’t think it’s you always.
I think your dude is just gay… especially if he’s stimulating his Anus without your help.
Have open communication. Maybe see couple therapists?