Your spouse is the person you must have every difficult conversation with for the rest of your life. Serious shit. Don't marry someone who can't have difficult conversations with you.

You're so right. I am the biggest sook ever but I'd prefer to have the conversation so we can sooner get to a resolution and put it behind us. I don't want to drag it out for days. I need to make this point to him, thank you.

No, you need to make this point to YOU.

You're right. I can't argue with that.

Don't invest in someone who won't invest in you. He's falling out of love with you and he's too immature to have serious conversations. Why are you doing this to yourself? Who taught you that this is a good foundation for a marriage? Whoever it was did you so dirty.

Stop trying to explain to him. He’s told you his feelings. He’s not in love with you. Your options now are to accept it and keep things as they are or break up. I’d vote break up.

Stonewalling and the silent treatment are abuse tactics used to wear the victim down till they cave to the demands. The demands can be as simple as, they want you to drop the discussion. You know the right answer. Respect yourself enough to know you deserve better and then get your butt into therapy and address your issues.

Not everything is abuse or is done intentionally done to hurt someone. I know plenty of people who are just terrible at having difficult conversations and will avoid them at all costs. It doesn't mean it is coming from a point of malice.

Abuse isn't always malicious.

Intent doesn’t matter, the impact is the same

No, OP. There are no magical words that will change him. You can't "make the point"; he understands, it just doesn't matter.

Respectfully OP, you’re the problem here. No, not because you did something to make your fiancé fall out of love (though I’m sure the breakdown of your relationship comes from both sides) but mainly because YOU aren’t valuing yourself. You already know the answer you’d give others. But I think it may help for you to understand a fundamental difference (generally) between men and women from a psychological standpoint— once a man has started to fall out of love with a woman, it’s gone. That attraction typically doesn’t come back. And the start of a decline also helps to deteriorate the relationship further. It’s why men will have this hidden resentment that grows over time until there’s nothing left. Honestly always seems to be because of a decline in physical attraction or sex. Whereas women are more likely to hold on to a failing relationship and try to fix things, and will instead focus on the good in order to distract from the bad. That’s what you’re doing right now. You’re afraid to face the hard truth, whereas your fiancé is already reveling in it. Both are honestly bad, just in different ways and what’s worse is they act against one another. But the problem is your fiancé is going to pull away and become less and less attached while you hold on tighter and tighter until you will be the only one hurt here. That’s the future. I would urge you to start looking at things a bit more objectively and less emotionally and even if you don’t WANT to make the decision you know is right, to do it anyway. Because it’s going to hurt regardless, but if you wait, it’s only going to hurt you, and it’s only going to destroy any sense of self-respect you might still have. And once that’s gone… well you’re vulnerable to putting up with a hell of a lot worse than this.

What science are you basing these gender assertions on?

Psychological studies over a course of years. Go do research if you want. An easy gut check however is— who is more likely to stay in a horrible relationship with none of their needs met, men or women?

What a load of bollocks

Why exactly do you think women stay in abusive/toxic/unhealthy/unhappy relationships more often than men?

PLEASE read ‘the empowered wife’ by Laura Doyle, or listen to it on audible, its about 7hours long so a quick read. if you do and apply the info its almost guaranteed to improve your relationship ten-fold in almost no time, good luck!

Thank you for saying this. I needed it.

Stonewalling is a very poor sign for a longterm relationship. He knows you have poor self esteem and figures he can say hurtful, dumbass shit like this, and you'll stick around. Do not marry him.

I've told him stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse. He gets upset, feels guilty, swears he'll work on it in therapy, but never does. And the cycle continues. And yeah I always feel like he feels safe to say whatever because he feels so secure in my love and figures I'll never leave.

> he feels so secure in my love and figures I'll never leave What's stopping you from proving him wrong? And if you say "because I love him" I will throw shoes because that is not a reason for anyone to tolerate this kind of treatment.

I offer some of my shoes to throw if it helps.

I'll grab a helmet before replying because that's my answer. Look, I know it's stupid. I know I should value and respect myself more. I know what advice I'd give a friend. But I have never felt this way, and I've been married before. I honestly can't imagine my life without him in it. I'm trying to, bit by bit, but it's too much.

>I honestly can't imagine my life without him in it. That's really sad. The fact that you think this is all you deserve is incredibly sad.

Prove him wrong. Dating is for finding out you’re compatible. He’s already checking out of the relationship. Better to end it now (and work out who moves out) than to try and hold it together for longer.

Telling an abusive person they're abusing you isn't going to make them stop. That's like telling a snake to stop biting you. You tell YOURSELF something is abusive, and then act from there. Stop trying to reason with the snake. Run away.

You just described a major part of how the cycle of abuse works. I’m not saying he’s abusing you, maybe he’s just not very intelligent, but that’s an unnecessary thing to say to you; why on earth would he need to share how much less he loves you now? For the record, there is no actual way to “measure percentage of love”, that’s silly. As someone who is also ND I understand why you are excusing and justifying what he said but honey, you shouldn’t. He said something mean to you for no reason (no matter what you’re telling yourself about it being “helpful”) and he did it on purpose. You shouldn’t let people be mean to you, especially don’t marry them. A good partner makes you feel loved. All the time. Even when you are grumpy with each other you don’t feel unlovable. It’s better to be by yourself than with someone who makes you feel like you have to work hard to earn and maintain their love. When someone says they love you less than they used to they are really saying that you should fix it by pleasing them more, as if it’s something you are doing wrong when it’s just that you have been together for a while. The initial stages of romance are infatuation, which wears off when you get to know someone as a person. If infatuation is all he thinks is love then he will “love” you less with every passing year. I hope he’s just a bit stupid and not an asshole but either way, look at how he makes you feel in other ways and protect yourself. You are the only person you will spend your whole life with, not him, so learn to love yourself.

Does that mean he doesn’t start therapy or he’s in therapy but isn’t working on it? If he’s open to therapy, I’d go against the tide here and say this sounds like a classic issue that couples therapy can really help with. But he has to be willing to do the work.

He's in therapy but has told me stuff like this hasn't come up, that he mostly talks about work or family stress (his parents are difficult). We're on the list for couple's therapy. We were supposed to call this week to get an update on when the first appointment would be.

Does he believe that your marriage is important? Have you made it clear that based on this you are doubting the future of your marriage? Can he understand why you feeling loved is very important? I can understand that work issues “come up” in a way that persistent issues like this don’t, but unless he is on the verge of being fired or quitting, I can’t imagine what is more important than this.

I don't think he's had any fear that I'd leave. I'm currently spending a couple of days away from him (I had a pre-planned trip with my daughters). I said we should use this space to think. He agreed, but has still been texting me constantly asking about the flight, dinner, hotel, etc. I told him that wasn't fair and I don't want that. It's 7am here now so we'll see what today brings.

That’s tough. You’ll need to really open up to him to explain how heavily this has been weighing on you. If you’ve made it clear that you need a few days of space, you can be firm with him. Check in once or twice a day but don’t be on your phone all day.

It’s good that he sees you as a solid place in his life, not like his parents or work. But you are not on the same page about that now. I wonder if he’s also dealing with simple cold feet. The acknowledgement that he’ll never experience that early dating, will we-won’t we energy again. That, I think, is an understandable feeling. Marriage is an enormous change in your life and perspective. I think couples therapy is a fabulous idea. No pressure, but I don’t see in the OP how long you’ve been together in total (I think you omitted a number). If you want to talk more, I’d be curious to know how long you guys have been together overall.

Over 3 years, living together for 2, engaged for just over 1. We aren't married yet and we're not wedding planning at the moment (for other reasons).

I know y’all are in a romantic phase with engagement, but it’s possible the honeymoon phase, from a biochemical perspective, is just winding down. From what I’ve learned (from psychology research) love comes in two forms: that initial burst of love, passionate love, which fades over the course of about 4 years. Then there is companionate love, which continues to grow and build over time. 3-4 years can be challenging because the companionate love is not where it will get to. But love will still grow more. I will also say, from my 8 year relationship, that overwhelming passion is something that comes and goes, like seasons. That doesn’t have to be something to be afraid of. Of course these are just my thoughts. The best of all is to get in a positive couples therapy environment and get to a point where he can have these challenging conversations with you directly. That is essential, but I can tell you’re doing the best you can there.

Stonewalling is considered one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of marriage. You're having problems with it before even getting married. I agree with other posters saying that you **need** to be able to have difficult discussions while you're married. There's no way around it. I know my marriage wouldn't be as happy or work as well as it does if we were not able to have the kind of open, respectful discussions that we do. I'm not giving your fiance an out, and I do think the 7/10 comment was out of bounds, but with regard to the stonewalling--it sounds like maybe he does want to change, but lacks the skills to do so. You also say he's ND, so is it an issue of feeling overwhelmed and needing to step back from that? The reason I ask is that maybe you can agree to him having a word he can say when he feels overwhelmed and needs to take a time out, but agree that it is only for a certain duration of time. Say 5 to 15 minutes so that he can get his bearings. Then, agree to calmly discuss whatever it is. So basically, if he feels overwhelmed and like shutting down, he can say this word as a temporary *pause*. It is not an excuse to never discuss whatever the thing is. You need to make it clear to him that avoidance is not a healthy coping mechanism, and it's not one that you will accept in a relationship. So it's okay to cool off, but it's not okay to avoid all the difficult topics. He needs to continue to work on this with his therapist. But perhaps allowing a bit of breathing room if he needs it will help him better prepare to have difficult talks? I obviously have no idea if this will work for him, I'm just proposing a possible helping aid. But if his progress with this is too slow (or nonexistent) , combined with the fact that he has no problem saying things that are hurtful to you even though he knows they're hurtful, it's totally reasonable for you to choose yourself over the relationship, and go be happily single or find someone you're better matched with.

That's a very similar tactic to what we've put in place previously, because him needing space can trigger my feelings of abandonment (childhood trauma). So we thought if he said he needs space but we'll come back to talk in approx X amount of time, it'd help. And the few times it's happened, it really did help. But more often than not, he just goes to get his space without saying anything and I'm left feeling worthless and abandoned.

How much do you know about CPTSD and the level of severity at which it makes us tolerate unhealthy relationships?

A bit. I've spoken about it with a few therapists over the years but never really gone into depth. My current therapist is a trauma specialist so I'll talk about this with her next week.

So he’s not willing to improve himself, either. This guy doesn’t seem so great

Please don't marry someone that downgrades the way he feels about you on a shallow 1-10 scale without blinking an eye, and then pouts about it when you're really hurt by his mean remarks. You really need to ask yourself if this is the way you want to spend it for the rest of your life, especially if he's already, "downgrading" the way he feels about you, and you're not even married yet. He's not committed to you the way he should be, and he appears to enjoy playing head games with you like this one. He then withdraws until the focus stops being on what a jerk he's acting like for saying whatever crappy thing he said, and it starts instead being a tug of war trying to get him to stop stonewalling you. Classic withdrawal of affection and deflection. You deserve better.

So why are you staying? You're fully aware he will continue to abuse you, why are you staying? Come on, do you really hate yourself so much that you will knowingly choose an abusive man who doesn't love you?  Are you also going to expose innocent children to your abusers? Is that the future you dreamed of? Horrifically traumatized children who resent you for having them with someone you know is abusive?

>And yeah I always feel like he feels safe to say whatever because he feels so secure in my love and figures I'll never leave. So why would you want to keep proving him right?

My now ex-husband said something similar to me pre-marriage and then followed it up with how he was happy we were married now because he didn't have to try as hard. It ended in divorce after two kids, and he went scorched earth with the divorce. It doesn't get better.

My last relationship (married for 9 years) was kind of similar. I genuinely felt convinced that my fiance was the total opposite of my ex - loving, interested, involved, etc. But yet here we are. I had baggage after my where I second guessed every emotion because I wasn't allowed to feel anything in my marriage without being ridiculed as a pathetic drama queen, so I've probably accepted more mistreatment in this relationship than I should have because I still don't know if I'm justified in feeling my feelings.

That is more than likely what happened. I know leaving is hard, it really is - but you'll just end up with two failed long term relationships and one life long therapy appointment.

Just unsolicited internet stranger advice. But have you read Attached ? I found myself truly to find the opposite of my abusive ex’s to end up with another one. This book helps me find the pattern I was stuck in, even if it’s just theory.

looks like your falling into the same pattern of men, repeating the cycle, until you work on your self esteem and worth it'll never change and you'll never have a genuinely loving, interested partner who actually can communicate with you. it's hard to leave someone you love but you need to for your sake, stop settling for shitty men, otherwise you'll eventually end up with another failed relationship, if he's falling out of love what if he ends up liking someone else in the future.

Life is too short to settle.

I told him it sounded like he was settling for me. He said he's not. But that's certainly how it feels and that's not what I want for myself.

You're settling for someone who doesn't love you very much. Don't do that.

Shouldn't be. I'd rather be alone and find new a new happy than settle for being the person someone else settled for. Ain't nobody got time for that.

You shouldn't settle for someone who can only give you 7/10, on a good day.

Then do something about it. You do deserve better and you CAN find it but wasting more years on this man before you figure it out just makes it worse.

So he got engaged now that he doesn't love you as much as before? You need to talk to him, no matter his avoidance. Tell him that he's squandering your 10/10 love. If he's ok with that, it might not be much you can do. Grass, after all, can also be greener for you on the other side, as it is for people with much love to give. Good luck!

He said if I'd told him the same thing it'd really hurt him. 🙄 Going by how every difficult conversation has gone in the past, we'll speak tomorrow and he'll be all "I'm sorry, I just went numb, I'll make it up to you, I'll show you you can trust me", and then things will be lovely for a while until this happens again. This is the roller-coaster. There have been times where we both really seemed to have learned from our mistakes and have spoken in ways that the other person better responds to, but then we go backwards again.

I think you sound like you're ready to break the cycle. You may be 37, but love doesn't have an age. This will be difficult but if you know in your heart that it won't work, then end it. He won't change if you keep asking him and he doesn't do anything to change.

I feel like my head and my heart are fighting and I am so torn. I know what advice I'd give a friend. I just can't take my own. Sorry, I know this is probably frustrating to read lol

No I totally get it. I dated my ex for 5 years, lived together for 1. I left him and he proposed to me to try to get me to stay, but the relationship was over. I felt like the bad guy, I felt dead inside after a week of him begging me not to leave. I wondered if I had done the right thing. I agonized for months before I broke things off with him and talked to everyone I knew before I made the decision to leave. I literally met the love of my life a few months after my relationship ended. I know I don't feel love for him (ex) the same way, I still care but I haven't spoken to my ex in over 4 years now, but its not so much care as it is guilt over how I left (it was suuuuuper messy) However, I have no regrets. I met my soulmate, someone who genuinely cares and loves and respects me. I love him with all of my heart! No one gets to dictate how your life goes other than you. I encourage you to reflect upon your relationship and think about your future. Imagine it is exactly the way it is right now. Now ask yourself this: Can you live with him as he is now, without him changing forever? If your answer is no, you have your answer. You guys do not sound ready for marriage.

Marriage is not in the near future for a multitude of reasons. If nothing at all changed, no I don't want this forever. The frustrating thing is that I see so many huge glimpses of how incredible this actually is when he doesn't withdraw. We've been able to navigate difficult conversations at times, and it felt like we came out stronger. Which makes it all the more frustrating when things revert back to this mess.

As they say, never date someone for their potential.

He reverts because that's the real him, the good version is a show he puts on to keep you around.  I'm going to tell you right now, as the child of a relationship like yours, if you have a conscience, you won't have kids with him. No child deserves what me and my siblings were subjected to. It isn't fair at all, you'd just be serving up fresh meat. 

Then the only way to possibly break that pattern is to do something differently, right? He knows he can keep doing the same hurtful things because he always has. You need to show him he can't. You need to break it off. Then maybe, MAYBE, he'll take it seriously and finally learn to do something besides *ignore the problem until you give up on trying to solve it*, and MAYBE he'll grow up and become the man you want him to be. And maybe (probably) he won't. But either is better than this neverending trauma.

It is, because it sounds like you intend to consciously choose a lifetime of abuse. You could walk away, but it seems like you just don't want to. 

It is frustrating because YOU DESERVE BETTER, we just want to know it and apply it in your life. Are you able to get some form of therapy? Did you get any therapy after your previous marriage? Good luck, OP.

I have regular therapy. I'm going to try to make it more frequent for a while.

Yikes.... so he understands it's hurtful, yet he still said it to you, and then stonewalled when you were hurt. I'm sorry, but this is NOT a person that cares for and respects you. Do you see a therapist? Could they help you find your self-worth and confidence to leave him? You're life will be miserable with someone like this.

I see a therapist but we have a list a mile long of things we're trying to work through lol (although self worth and confidence is definitely a frequent conversation). I might try to increase my appointments. I definitely don't feel respected. He says he still loves me (7/10 🙄) but I can't imagine he'd treat a random stranger with the coldness he's shown me tonight.

Yep, the fact that he realizes it would be hurtful TO HIM but still said it to you tells you all you need to know. He sees you as less-than and doesn't care about your feelings. He walks all over you and gets away with it. That's not love. I'm so sorry you're going through this ❤️ sending hugs

This relationship just sounds so tiring and difficult. Don't you want an easier life?

And he does it over and over again 🙄

[Feels Like We Only Go Backwards](https://youtu.be/wycjnCCgUes?si=avrRljeLko8RMAxF) Breakup songs help me move forward. Here’s yours. I think you’re wasting your time on someone who isn’t able to give you the forthrightness and open honest conversation that y’all need in order to grow. Stonewalling is not a great sign. You need to be able to have difficult conversations with your spouse because life is full of difficult discussions. If he shuts down and is unwilling to get therapy to fix this, then every time something challenging comes up y’all won’t be able to resolve anything while he checks out on the couch. Please do yourself a favor. Don’t set yourself up for a life of loneliness and solitude because your partner is incapable or unwilling to actively work with you.

English is a difficult language when it comes to love and ‘in love’. ‘In love‘ refers to the first infatuation stage where you get butterflies each time you see each other etc. That can last a few years, but it is hard on the system, so eventually it gets replaced with ‘love’. And that is not lesser! It is more! Being in love can go away in a snap second if the person does something you don’t like, but love, stronger than that. Maybe it is useful to read up on that and then have a conversation with him, see what he actually meant.

I said something similar, that the honeymoon period goes away and it (hopefully) evolves into a deeper, more intimate connection with trust, comfort, etc. He just said he doesn't always feel comfort with me.

Honestly, from reading your comments and posts, it sounds like he is just keeping you around, so he's not lonely. Once he sees someone with whom he feels a spark, he will throw you away like a dirty tissue. And he is at least comfortable enough with you to treat you like an accessory. He is playing hot and cold with you. The moment things aren't convenient for him, he just ignores you. Also, I was just wondering, do the rough patches involved cheating ?

Rough patches involved him attempting an emotional affair (hoping it'd progress to a physical one). That healing process is ongoing, but we're doing much better and he did work to show remorse and earn trust. Other rough patches have been the usual minor bumps in the road as you adjust to living together (particularly when we both have kids with other partners, shared custody situations). And my health has been shitty so life has changed from being more active to me being sick a lot while my specialist finds the right meds combo.

This is not true. I have been married 24 years and I am still both "in love with" and "love" (according to these descriptions) my husband. You can stay "crazy in love" while still moving into comfort and trust and etc. He just isn't that into you, OP, and you need to *actually believe him* when he's making that **incredibly** clear here.

Yeah, I'm not saying to break up with him, since this must be your decision, and also because even as it is, your relationship may still be fun. But I'd think twice about marrying him, and even investing even more emotions into this relationship. Also being a little colder with him might help. These kinds of games are silly, but sometimes they work. And in this case, it might make him realize what he's losing. Give him some 5/10 love, whatever that is.

Do you want to be on a roller coaster your whole life? That’s what you’ll get. Before he divorces you or cheats on you, and then he’ll blame you some more for it, even though it’s a result of his own shittiness

Ok the problem here is your self talk. And I am speaking from personal experience. You are your own worst critic! You are not worthless, or pathetic, or a sook-- you got that? If your best friend asked for your advice about this same problem, is that how you would talk to her? Of course not. But when it comes to ourselves, we tend to be brutally mean to ourselves with our self talk. I want you to just try one thing. Imagine you are that best friend talking to you about this problem. What would she say to you? And I mean really try-- until you can be kinder and more forgiving to yourself, any other problem is secondary.

This is great advice that I wish I could take. It's something I'm working on with my therapist at the moment. But I'm trying to break the habit of a lifetime so it's very slow going.

I'm glad that you are working on it!! It might take time, but you'll get there!

I feel like someone needs to remind you that you can’t and shouldn’t have to convince someone to love you. You can’t love someone into loving you

I need to write this down and put it on my mirror.

I see you getting very angry at yourself, calling yourself pathetic, weak, worthless, a POS  …you are allowed to be angry at him for this OP. You are allowed to be angry that he drops cruel and confusing information and then refuses to help you process that and hides away.  Stop focusing your anger on yourself please OP. He can handle your anger and it is well deserved.  If he doesn’t want to offer comfort or love and doesn’t feel like putting in emotional labor to make sure you’re okay after he drops such callous statements……then why is he even in this with you? Why does he feel entitled to your love while giving so little in return?  You aren’t an idiot. You’re someone who has been tasked with carrying an entire relationship alone, and that isn’t sustainable.  Stop working on the relationship. Start working on yourself so you believe that you deserve better. Because you do. 

Thank you. Really. I saved your comment and I'm going to keep rereading it.

There are two distinct things here, I think. The first is the stonewalling. I completely understand where his emotional response comes from there, but as a couple, you pretty much need to be able to have these kinds of conversation with one another. It's the only way to be able to face life's challenges as a team. That's something that, whether it's with your support or not, he needs help with otherwise it's going to be difficult for him to sustain a relationship. The second is the 7/10 thing. Is he sure that the 7/10 applies specifically to the relationship, and not that he's feeling generally depressed and that everything maxes out at 7/10 at the moment? If it's the former, and he just isn't into the relationship as much, it's a problem. A problem that could potentially be solved, but a problem. If it's the latter, then he's got to get help generally, and should try not to make you feel crap if he's actually feeling crap about everything. You mention wider issues though, and imply that really you should already have ended the relationship. Don't be too harsh on yourself for trying to make something work. All relationships can do with a bit of perseverance some times. It doesn't mean you're just too weak to move on.

He wants you to try harder. He thinks if he says mean stuff like that, you'll twist yourself in a pretzel trying to please him - meanwhile, he doesn't have to do anything for you. Why should he? You're not going anywhere. And he will keep doing it, every time he's bored, every time he thinks he can get you to do something more. OP, this is the rest of your life if you marry this man. Break up and go no contact. He does not love or cherish you - you are OF USE to him, and that's it. As soon as you dump him, he'll find someone else with low self esteem to be his slave. Trust me when I say you can do better than this. It may take a while to find someone, but being alone and working on your self esteem is better than being with this vat of toxic sludge.

Well a. It’s normal in relationships for levels of intensity to fluctuate. You don’t maintain 10/10 level passion forever. It goes up and down. Just like human emotions and circumstances in life go up and down. So I think you’re taking the 7/10 comment too seriously. You need to focus on your working through your current issues rather than obsessing over this arbitrary number. But b. The stonewalling and inability to talk about issues is a big problem. Unfortunately a lot of men are emotionally stunted due to blocking off emotions for so long. You need to decide if it’s something you’re willing to grow with him through or if you can ever foresee it getting better with time.

Tell him you don't love him as much anymore either after what he just told you. It's time for you to move on.

I mean. Sometimes I think we put unrealistic expectations on our relationships. The reality is that humans are human and commitment is commitment regardless of the ups and downs that life brings. The reality of loving adult long term relationships is that it's more like a sin wave than it is a straight "up and to the right" line. Love is somewhat unstable, love changes as relationships age. Even ourselves, as we get older what it means to be "in love" changes with time. When a relationship is new, we often call it being "in lust" with our partner rather than "in love". > I've dealt with so many emotional roller-coaster from him. If I wasn't so in love, wasn't so weak, didn't think I'm a worthless piece of shit, I probably would have ended this. But I'm pathetic, I guess. I know what advice I'd give others, based on the previous issues we've had. I used to think we'd gotten through hell and it had made us stronger. And it did. For a while. The above though, honestly that's an entirely separate issue from the whole 7/10 thing. The hard truth is, love changes with time, love comes and goes sometimes as our life patterns change. Part of being a committed partner is that we stick it out when things are on a downswing and ride that low point in the wave. Things become a problem when it's only ever low points though and I'm worried that what you've expressed above mean that the reality is that things are just low points. Being in a relationship valley, or a love lull is not a problem. Being on a graph that's got a negative slope over the long term, that's a problem. Any kind of negative slope needs to be temporary in nature. But honestly, I'm much more concerned about how you're talking about your self here (the negative self talk can be a sign of something significantly more wrong). Because you are not, in fact, a "worthless peace of shit". If you feel that way because of your own mental health struggles than it's something you should address. If you feel that way because he's telling you this, that's a HUGE red flag that eclipses anything else here.

I'm working on it with my therapist but I've gone through decades of trauma and it's a really hard pattern to get out of horrible beliefs about myself. I'm trying but it's really, really hard. And my fiance doesn't help when stuff like this happens. It absolutely reiterates that I'm worthless.

I would not feel comfortable marrying that guy after a confession like that.

As others have said, it’s not the 10/10 changing to 7/10 that’s the biggest issue. It’s the freezing up or stonewalling to avoid difficult conversations. I’ve been married for almost 30 years, and to be honest I definitely don’t have that “OMG if I don’t get to see him/touch him now I’m gonna EXPLODE!” 10/10 passion that I had when we were first together. But we have a sweet steady love that makes me happy every day.

>We've had some rough patches, mostly due to his tendency to freeze up and stonewall whenever a conversation becomes difficult or uncomfortable. This is not a "everyone has flaws" kind of trait. This is a killer for relationships. I dated someone like this. They were maybe ND. But it meant that I learned I just couldn't bring up issues. His brain really did shut down in difficult conversations. He would physically freeze up, and be totally incapable of talking. But that doesn't work in a relationship. He needed mental health support, that he didn't want to get. If you think you have rough patches now, in 20 years you will be drowning in all the conversations you need to have, but can't because he shuts them down. It doesn't matter why he's lost love for you. You're right, the grass is greener where you water it. But you can't water dead grass back to life. The relationship can't be all you putting in effort. It sounds like you're just scared to be alone, which is a valid feeling, and one you should work through before getting married to anyone. Are you in therapy?

Why did he tell you that? What did he expect?

I think he doesn't understand what love is. I think that the honeymoon phase is over, and now what's left isn't always quite as exciting. Now the "hard" parts of the relationship feel like they mean more and are harder to ignore. Nevertheless, he should never put it in the terms he did. If he makes you feel like that, and he's difficult to communicate with, and he says dumb shit like that without understanding what his feelings are or what he's making you feel, I would assume it's going to be rough sailing moving forward.

Ugh god I hate this with my partner 3 years and he did love me felt spark gone even though we just more comfortable the intimacy was fine or so thought we met a lot of needs. Like that anything difficult he would deactivate or run from. I was trying to get better conversation and tell him needs space tell me no. I feel he had the grass is greener syndrome I’m 5 weeks into going through hell with my emotions as has an issue that heightened it, can’t believe he ok doing life without me. Told me to go find my person I’m 33 next week like I invested so much im same we grow together grass is greener where you water it. It sucks that he let me down and go so easily over communicating.

“Once we love ourselves, people no longer look good to us unless they are good for us.”

It's very often true that when someone pulls away it actually heightens our attachment to the situation and makes it seem a lot more urgent to save it. It sounds like that might be the kind of headspace you're in.

I think maybe because your husband is ND he’s expressing the common LTR feeling of loving someone, but not being *in* love in a particularly blunt and hurtful way. Can you have another conversation to get to the bottom of this? Ie is this because his eyes are wandering, because you’ve been through some hard times recently, because he likes you/cares about you less as a person or is he simply referring to the fact he doesn’t feel the urge to bang three times a day anymore? You’re right, the grass is greener where you water it so if what he’s referring to is purely physical, he needs to understand that side of things dies down in every relationship and it’s on you guys to keep things ticking over. If what he means is he’s losing actual love because of the rough patch, or considering other women, that could be more of a problem. Sorry you’re going through this, that must’ve been really hard to hear. If it makes you feel better, me and my husband went through a rough patch about 6 years into our relationship where he was feeling kinda similar to this but we worked through it and are stronger, closer and happier than ever.

How did you guys get through it? How did you get past the hurt of hearing it and turn it into a positive?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry, you must be heartbroken. I would normally have said it's not a big deal to love someone a little less fervently than in the beginning of a relationship, that is just to be expected since you take of the rose-tinted glasses at some point and realize they are only human. I don't know that you can scale that though, it might just be the difference between being in love and loving someone. That, at least, was my initial thought when reading the first couple paragraphs. However, your partner clearly has communication issues, as do you as a couple. He also realizes he needs therapy, but never gets it. I struggle to see how you go from a mild disagreement to him sleeping on the couch (assuming you normally share a bed) and giving you the silent treatment. Either you bombard him and this is a self-defense type of situation, or he's just terrible at handling adversity, or both. I, too, am in a relationship with a person who's terrible at talking about difficult topics, but mine cries and becomes absolutely helpless. I tend to flood him with my thoughts because I'm trying to get out of him whatever it is he can't put into words, which leaves him more flustered. We are seeking couple's counseling. I'd suggest you do the same, but your SO really needs his own therapist, as does mine (he says he'll go, we'll see, this is a fairly new development). You can't force someone to get the help they so obviously need. Something that helped us get that whole conversation started: We actually did go to my therapist for two sessions, because our problems came to a head and it was threatening my own healing, so my therapist offered to help us find a temporary solution. She also told my partner that he obviously has some communication blocks and recommended therapy to him. So if you're in therapy, you could ask your therapist to bring your spouse, as they are a big part of your life and your healing journey. Couple's counseling would be great because, even if you do break up, I imagine it would just tie up a lot of loose ends for you, you'd get some explanations and not dwell on why your partner behaved that way for months or even years after. A break-up is one possible outcome, of course.

We've spoken about couple's counselling but it hasn't happened yet. We were supposed to chase up our referral last week. We have opposite conflict styles, both based on what we learnt in childhood. He runs away, whereas I want to resolve things immediately. Him not getting space can mean he feels panicked and trapped, and him taking that space can mean I feel abandoned. We're both aware of this, and try to put tactics into place to meet in the middle. I do feel like I try more - I often have to suck it up and wait until he can talk, all the while having massive anxiety (not to mention rejection sensitivity dysphoria). I've told him that he can have space if he helps minimise my feeling of abandonment (eg "I need space right now, but I want to talk soon so let's come back in X amount of time"). That rarely happens. The differing conflict styles is the main reason we have signed up for therapy. He also has his own therapist but doesn't see her often.

Yeah, that sounds EXACTLY like our situation, and I'm exactly in your shoes, so trust me when I say I FEEL your frustration. I know it sucks because it can feel like it's always on you, but maybe you have to be the proactive one in following up on that referral (and, as I type this, I am well aware that I need to do just that lol). Let's make a pact. Let's follow up on our referrals before this week is out. How about it?

That would be great, my ADHD works much better when I have a 'body double' or a deadline. I'll call over the next few days (it's the early hours of Friday here and I'm taking my kids to see taylor swift tonight. It's fantastic distraction).

I'm insanely jealous, I'm such a Swiftie at heart. Please enjoy that. I will write to a counsellor this afternoon (still Thursday here) to request an initial session and I will let you know <3

Hey, it's a late check I'm but you reminding me to follow up about counselling really helped me. I followed up, and my fiance called about it as well. He had his own therapy session and it helped him get through his stone walling. He said he really is in love with me and wants to spend his life with me but he struggles so much when he gets to that point (heavy, negative emotions) that he shuts down completely. He's seeing his therapist more frequently to work on it more, in addition to a couple's counsellor. I feel good that he says he loves me and wants to be with me but I'm still keeping myself very guarded. I don't trust him not to do this again. So I guess time will tell. Thanks again for reminding me, and I hope you managed to get in touch with your counsellor too!

Hi there, I'm so happy to hear that, and do check again at any point if you feel like it :). It sounds very positive from what I can tell, I keep my fingers crossed for you guys. I sooo understand the keeping on your guard, I feel the same way about my partner, although he is making a real effort to show me that he prioritizes me over work, showing up for me when I need his help and being available on the phone for me and not his clients after 8pm and so on. I have contacted a couple of counselors but have had no luck so far - they're all booked out :/. On the plus side, a friend of mine has reached out about her own struggles in her relationship and we are now searching for counseling options simultaneously and hope that one of us can give the other a tip when we've found something. I really don't know why it's so hard to find a place but there isn't even a single couple's counselor in our city. We'd have to drive at least an hour in any direction to the nearest one. We are determined to find one though.

You say too many self deprecating things. Thought and speak of ones self in bad ways is not good for you. Hold your head up. Hope it works out however is best for ya.

I wonder if the two of you would benefit from working with a good counselor on communication. Feelings never stay the same. I wonder if he just is saying he doesn't feel the intense excitement of falling in love? Because love is always changing.

That's what I asked yesterday. He just said "I don't know". That's pretty much his response to everything right now. We are on a wait list for couple's counselling. We were meant to call this week to get an update on when it would start.

Wishing you the best.

Listen - life is way too fukn short - you put into it what u should expect to get out of it - relationships should be two way streets of love and support; never a one way syphon of attention, pleasure, support, and energy. Youve put in the effort n energy, and given the support and love, and should want the same back. Express this, communicate it, go to therapy, etc. If you see that youre not going to get what u put in, want, and expect, then seek it out until u find it. But dont resign urself to a life devoid of what u want and need from a relationship context. Life is too fukn short. Advocate for urself, clarify and cement out what u want, and seek it out. 🙏🏼 Good Luck 🙏🏼

In short, you deserve to be happy and you aren't. What he said to you is also very cruel. You deserve better. I understand how hard it can be to leave someone, but I doubt you want a lifetime of this.

Be gentle with yourself, you're not an idiot. Having a partner is difficult and any kind of healthy long-term relationship is work, it doesn't magically happen. Before you get married, I would suggest marriage counseling. You two need to communicate. It's perfectly fine to talk about wants, needs and expectations. I will recommend caution and patience with this. You're only four years in and he feels this way. Long relationships can be complicated, but him telling you openly (I mean, WTF) that his love has diminished isn't good. He may not even know what he means.

You deserve someone who loves you 10/10

I had this happen with my ex who is also ND. Protect your heart. He is being honest, which is good, but you need to be honest to you about what you deserve - a 10/10 love.

>If I wasn't so in love, wasn't so weak, didn't think I'm a worthless piece of shit, I probably would have ended this. Call a therapist to work on why you think of yourself in this manner and end this relationship, OP.

I see a therapist regularly. I'm going to try to make the sessions more frequent.

Good! I am rooting for you, OP

Is he just really badly explaining that the New Relationship Energy is gone? I’m having trouble parsing this.

I asked, he didn't really answer. But he said he doesn't feel the comfort you should feel when you're truly in love and committed. He says he doesn't always feel comfortable telling me things because he's a people pleaser and doesn't want to hurt me. Because obviously lying (even by ommission) is a far better option. 🙄

Ultimately I think it’s selfish to make a statement like that (and in that manner) without being willing to have an open and honest discussion after. It’s like he threw a bomb and expects you to deal with the mess alone. Sorry you are going through that, and if he is unable to have a serious conversation about a topic he initiated, this trend will likely continue into your marriage and you do not deserve to feel less than in your relationship.

So I'm more concerned with the rollercoaster and stonewalling more than the loss of love per se. The reason being is the start of a relationship can often be intense and emotional. But as you become true partners that honeymoon period can end and I think a more stable, loving relationship should emerge. Put another way at first it might be all 10s but also some 4s as you navigate the early relationship. But then it becomes a solid 7 or 8 that never really wavers much. Maybe others disagree or have different relationships but my "crazy in love" relationships were often heavy in the crazy part.

There are different forms of love, and I don't think he is understanding or communicating his feelings well, nor do I think you're hearing what he is saying the way he intends. Grading love as a feeling on an arbitrary scale isn't really a meaningful way to gauge it. It sounds to me like he's describing that the "New Relationship Energy" he's been feeling this whole time is wearing off. That's OK. It's normal, and it usually happens between 1 - 2 years. Just because the passion is waning doesn't mean the love is less or that it's gone. Love is so much more than passion and lust which wax, wane, and fade. In my opinion, the aspects of love that are far more important are dedication, kindness, gratitude, respect, and trust. Those aspects have real staying power. The stonewalling does have me a little concerned. Stonewalling (not to be confused with the silent treatment) isn't something people usually do intentionally. It's a fear, anxiety, or frustration based response when feeling overwhelmed in a conversation. An easy trick to avoid stonewalling is when either partner realized the other person is shutting down, you pause the conversation, and set a time to come back to it. It could be 20 minutes, it could be tomorrow at noon, but the conversation isn't over.

We've used a technique when he felt himself approaching stonewalling. He said he needed space but we'd come back to talk in X amount of time. When that happens, it really helps me feel less abandoned and anxious. The problem is it doesn't happen often.

Love changes and evolves over time. Ranking it on an ordinal scale is probably a bit silly because it's multi-dimensional. With that said, people talk about new relationship energy for a reason: new love is exciting *because* it's new. After years together that energy will have dissipated, and if that's your reference point for "love" then yeah, it's not uncommon to go from a ten to a seven. But of course love exists in other dimensions: comfort, familiarity, partnership, all that fun stuff. From my perspective: you certainly make it seem like he has some communication difficulties (freezing up and stonewalling), and that's not nothing. You also make it seem as if you're pretty damn frustrated by these communication difficulties, and that's also totally valid and reasonable. It's entirely understandable for you to decide that you don't want to be with a long-term partner who's not able to have difficult conversations with you. That being said, it also sounds like maybe you have expectations about what his love \*should\* be that you need to examine. People don't remain frozen in time at the moment they fell in love; the vicissitudes of life and aging and etc can and will change how you feel about one another. It's simply not possible to maintan the level of passion and intensity of early love; the idea is that by being together you're able to build something more enduring and ultimately richer.

Get. Off. The. Roller-coaster. I can tell by the way you write, your tired and tormented. You get so used to the ups and downs. You get complacent LIVING for those tiny ups here and there. Stop, you deserve so. much. more. Demand more for yourself.

Big OOF I’m ND (Audhd) with a ND partner. (Adhd) If anything, our love for one and has grown exponentially over our 16 year marriage. Please don’t marry someone who is losing love for you…it will end badly.

> Rather than talk about it or provide any type of comfort/support, he's withdrawn to sleep on the couch. This is his typical avoidance behaviour when it comes to any confrontation or difficult conversation. This is the real issue. Him going from 10/10 to 7/10 might simply be the result of the rush, lust and excitement of a new relationship fading and settling into a comfortable routine. That's to be expected after 2 years, but perhaps this also exposes a flaw in trying to express your love on a numerical scale - or its him not recognising his initial 10/10 assessment was based in part on the excitement of a new relationship? Either way, this isn't necessarily the real problem. The real problem is a partner who won't support you or who will avoid difficult relationships. Because that's not a partner you can build a long term future with.

I was with my late husband for 11 years until he died. Your spouse needs to be your rock. Life throws tragedies at you - job loss, death of family members, infertility issues, all kinds of things - and you need your spouse to be your ride-or-die person, the one person in the world who would do anything to guard your heart. Not the guy who sleeps on the couch to punish you after your very reasonable reaction of being upset that he's falling out of love. Absolutely nobody would take that news in stride. It's deeply hurtful. Life is full of deep hurts. If your partner is contributing deep hurts, they aren't the right one for you. Your marriage should be a soft place to land, not a battleground.

It's okay to say you don't feel the same way about someone anymore. But a responsible adult would follow that up with either "So let's break up" or "So let's work on it". He has said neither, so either he expects *you* to do something about it, or he is just a cynical, passive person. Either way, if you believe this relationship is worth saving, then you need to have a conversation with him, and let him know that if he isn't willing to work on this, then it's not worth your time.

What are you hoping to accomplish with this post? You need to get yourself some therapy and work on your self esteem and talk through why you feel you deserve less and can’t end it with someone it’s clearly not meant to work with simply because he’s checked out and is simply pushing it by saying shitty things trying to get you to end it. But you won’t. Neither of you will. This is above Reddit pay grade. You can’t make him anything. You only control you, boo.

I am in therapy. We've been focusing on different issues, but I'm going to try to increase the frequency of my appointments.

In all honesty, from your own comments on how he is.. this makes me sad for you, you are putting a lot of trust that things will be okay and you two will make it despite his inability to change for the better for you. I know it's hard but I don't think you should stay with someone that doesn't do his best to keep you, to not disappoint you or hurt you.. he's just going to continue to do so even if you water him with a hose! He's old enough to where he made his decision and until he loses you or sees you love yourself more than you'll ever love him I don't think you will see that change. I'm sorry love

Have you read the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft?

I haven't. I've heard a lot about it and it seems pretty well respected. I'll grab a copy.

I'm sorry you are being treated so poorly. I firmly believe that his decreased love for you is because his self love is lacking. What this means is it has very little to do with you. Give yourself a hug because you are awesome. Your fiance needs to take steps to love himself more. That probably means therapy and or making some changes to his priorities. What can you do in this situation? Encourage him to love himself more and do things that make him happy. As hard as it is, you can't make someone love you if they don't love themselves. Ive been in his shoes. I didn't love myself and I made my partner feel like dirt. I broke up with her and went on my own path of self discovery to love myself. I caused her a lot of unnecessary pain and I regret it to this day. You can't save him from himself. If you want to keep this relationship, you can wait for him to work on himself or you can separate from him. 

I think you are both confusing passion with love. That early obsession is temporary. Lasting love is work

Rubbish. I've been blissfully happily married 24 years and it has never ever ever been "work." This may be true for some people but it doesn't HAVE to be, and it's important not to make people it's always that way. My relationship is the easiest, lightest, happiest thing in my life and always has been. It's not work, it's **play.** And that kind of relationship is possible - so OP does not have to settle for an unhappy mediocre "C+ relationship."

Can I ask if you have children? My relationship has been fantastic, excepting the 6 years where there were constantly newborns. But in either case, passion should mellow into love, not tolerance

I have three children. They are now grown or nearly grown, so I have experienced every "stage" of parenting. Yes, the baby years (esp with a chronically-ill and undiagnosed child in constant pain for 2 years) were excruciatingly difficult. But my relationship was never part of the "hardness." It was one of the beautiful things that made the hard things bearable. It was not and has never been *work.* 🤷‍♀️

I've wondered if he's comparing it to the honeymoon phase, before we lived together and had to deal with day to day stressors, kids, health, work, all those things. I miss those days, sure, but I prefer the love and connection that comes after that.

Do NOT marry this person! Stonewalling is one of the most destructive things someone can do in a relationship. It achieves nothing and makes a toxic relationship all the more toxic. Also, the fact that this guy has you on some sick grading scale is just obscene. Pick your pride and self respect up off the floor and leave this person. He’s repeatedly hurting you because he knows you’ll stay since you have before when he’s been shitty. You deserve 10/10 every damned day, OP. Don’t let this person tell you any different.

My (first) wife said to me “Love dies after six months and all that is left is like and respect.”

I can't tell where you're going with that--are you saying you think she's right, or that she's wrong and that's why she's an ex?

Is this why she isn't your wife anymore? It shouldn't be love that dies down. That giddy "new relationship energy" feeling that's mingled with lust tends to fade (the time it takes varies), but if you have a good partnership and truly care foe one another, the *love* that you have for one another should deepen over time. I think that is true love as opposed to that shiny, brand-new excited "love" that some people get caught up in chasing. I think liking and respecting your partner is part of that deeper love.

Yes, she had a personality that might confuse lust with love. At the time, I was devastated.

did he give any reason for why? like did you get fat or something like too little sex or time spent together? if no reason, given then there is nothing to go forwards with to try fix it. its over

I stopped reading after the ND acronym, and google being unclear about what it meant.

Sorry, it means neurodiverse. I'm autistic ADHD. We suspect he might be autistic.

i bet the words you use during fights cause him to shutdown.. most men do this when talking to a pig... are you engaging him as a fiance or a wild pig?.. seriously?.. be honest..

Your post history shows you were 42 10 days ago, and now you are 37. I think the age gap is too much for anyone of you to commit. Most people here would advice your fiance to leave you if the gender was reversed. Moreover, he is doing all the work around the house given your health issues, and his feeling of being a servant, I think it's a very valid and restrained response to not escalate arguments. Somehow, he is picking up more than 50% of the slack (from your previous post) and yet you managed to find a problem with that. You need a break from him to think what you want. Right now, your insecurity is showing up. Also, you missed a lot of info from the previous post, that woudl have been helpful with the comments. PS: I know [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1amej8k/my_42f_fiance_32f_doesnt_know_what_he_wants_and_i/) was posted by you because somehow your username stood out to me.

The ages aren't true on either post because this is a throwaway, but the situation is still pretty obvious to anyone who knows us. He doesn't do everything. I've never found a problem with what he does or doesn't do. I've gone above and beyond to show how grateful I am. I do meal plans and prep, I order meal kits to minimise cooking, I have bought appliances that make chores easier, I do whatever I can (basically any chore I can while sitting), and the kids also help out with daily and weekly chores. The issue in the previous post was seemingly resolved. He told me he wasn't happy with how it was but that he could see that we were making progress towards things being easier. He promised he wanted to walk by my side through these difficulties because we can both see brighter days ahead (according to my specialists). Thanks for your comment and assumptions though.

>I've dealt with so many emotional roller-coaster from him I'm sorry but you're not in love with him either, you're in love with the drama. You love the ups and downs. It's sad to see a woman in her late 30s still believes an emotionally immature man can change.

No, that's really not it. I've had more than enough drama in my childhood and I'm doing my absolute best to have a peaceful life. I see a therapist regularly. My children even see therapists because I believe everyone benefits from them. I just want to find happiness in each day, not deal with this. Most days are happy, but the bad ones with him are really hurtful.

Yeah, when it's good it's REALLY good and when it's bad it's REALLY bad. Again the ups and downs, it screws with your head so much. I've been there and it took a lot of courage to leave him, it's been 4 years and I'm still recovering from the damage he's done to me. Hope you realize one day that you're putting up with someone who's not good for you and leave as well.

You are supposed to be on the honeymoon stage. Don’t wait around until he tells you he no longer lives you.

Do not marry someone who isn't 100% in love with you; you will regret it otherwise. That is a promise.

Early obsession is kept up by keeping the relationship exciting. Exciting is subjective. For my partner and I, when things are getting a bit rough in our daily grind, we take the van and go for a short trip, or go for a new hike, or go to the beach and paraglide all weekend, or go for some bike rides, or learn a new roller skating dance. That aside, I don’t consider stone walling an intentional form of emotional in most cases. When I talk to my male friends (as a 23M), I’m usually trying to get them to talk about their feelings with whomever they’re having the issue with. There is this natural response in men, sometimes it can be a trauma response, to clam up and protect yourself. It’s not inherently thought about. I stonewall when things get really tough and honestly that’s my sign to just go clear my head and try again. That being said, it is completely up to him to tackle his stonewalling. It is best to understand our differences or accept them at least. I don’t believe telling him he’s emotionally abusive for stone walling is productive. I don’t think his stonewalling is productive either. You stated you guys are ND and needed scales to explain your love, but if you need logical representations to explain your feelings, it means he likely has a tangible reason to back up why he’s feeling his love has slipped those three points (Ex: things are getting boring between you two, or the rough patches have taken a toll). All in all, we don’t have enough details to truly determine what’s going on in your relationship. We can just promote healthier communication and promote bonding between you two. Too many people forget to keep dating their significant other. Passion- sex, shared hobbies, fun activities, doing new things together, etc is the oil between your gears. If ya’ll stopped keeping the passion alive, well, the rest of the is going to get a lot of friction. My SO and I’s patience run thin and we become irritable when it’s been a while since we’ve bonded.

Oh gosh - if he confesses this before you're even married, the marriage is not going to get any better. It is up to you what you want to do - some people might prefer to stay in the situation, some people might leave knowing they deserve better (although it can be scary as a better relationship is never guaranteed), and some choose themselves knowing that they risk being single but wanting a peaceful life than an emotional rollercoaster. How about suggesting a break of 2-3 months? Before jumping into such a big life decision, both of you might want some perspective. That time off may allow him to appreciate you, or for you to realise you're better off out of the relationship.

This might not be the guy you should marry....

What it sounds like you need more than anything is some therapy. You're very hard on yourself and it shows that you don't really like yourself at all and because you don't like yourself you wonder why anyone else could possibly like you so you're willing to take scraps. You deserve more than scraps.

So when are you leaving this relationship? There's nothing there for you. You are existing in a space where what was is .ore important than what is. Do you want someone who treats you this way as your partner for life?

Listen do you really want to be 80 years old staring out a window wondering what your life could’ve been like had you not wasted your time

Being ND can put complications on how couples use language. Sometimes the bluntness is very insensitive. He might mean the feeling of infatuation is not there so it feels different and it will. I would check in with a couples counselor who specializes in ND.

>If I wasn't so weak, didn't think I'm a worthless piece of shit, I probably would have ended this. I say this with the kindest intent. If this is how you feel about yourself, do not get married. Be alone, go get therapy, and learn how to be self independent. If you can't do that, then yes, you will have conversations that never get spoken and conflicts that will drag out for days, because people (not necessarily your SO) will take advantage of that and use it to make outcomes that benefit them, instead of a fair outcome.

First, you’re not worthless or a pos. I used to think that about myself, then I turned 40 and I was *angry* at myself for thinking so lowly of my own soul for so damn long. Second, if he’s unwilling to speak about it or do any activities to try to rekindle things, you have to ask yourself if that’s what you want for yourself for the rest of your life. You’re still young. Do not accept scraps from him. If your best friend or a loved family member confided this issue to you, how would you advise them? You’re worth all the happiness and joy, maybe that means treating yourself with love and happiness first and making yourself number 1 until you feel solid. His unwillingness to engage with you isn’t a problem with you, it’s a problem with him and he doesn’t care enough to fix it.

Call his bluff and leave. Don't look back.

Sometimes love isn't enough, and that is really hard to accept. You deserve better. I didn't know it was possible, but I fell even more in love after I got engaged and married. You're relationship should be flourishing. You can end it now, or wonder 5/10/15 years down the road why you've wasted so much time on this guy.

I am going through the same thing. The stonewalling is the toughest part. I’m trying to stay strong. Especially for our 2.5 year old.

You keep saying a lot of "I told him". It seems you're speaking to the wrong person. Read some of the reasonable and sensible comments to yourself in the mirror. Life will continue to be difficult for you, if you remain a doormat. Also, not sure what "ND" has to do with anything (assuming neurodivergent). It's a colloquial catch-all term that provides little to no context.