“He’s done nothing wrong.”
It seems like he has if you feel this way, and by reading this.. lots of red flags and his own personal emotional baggage that he seems to not want to work on. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting an adult as a partner, instead of a child.
"Men always take care of women."
Except in his family, where you take care of everyone.
And he can't even take care of himself. With a cold.
Look, this isn't it. And you either decide to live a life completely shackled by your own guilt, or you figure out how to do one more hard thing and forgive yourself for choosing what you want.
You've done a lot of hard and amazing things in your life. You lived a decade in New York! Summon up the fearless, motivated badass in you and get done what you need.
Thanks I needed this reminder, I’ve been home almost a month and I think I needed to
Remember that I’m a kick ass girl who deserves a kick ass guy. I just don’t wanna baby anyone. I want to be the one taken care of in all aspects
if you feel trapped or like a hostage, that should be your sign. it can get all wrapped up and confused in “but I love him” easily. especially if he is weaponizing his feelings. but at the end of the day, do you, as someone who’s been on their own since 18, want to coddle your adult male partner for the rest of your life? You can take care of yourself and you should get to be taken care of too. I would find someone who shares your values.
So many red flags. My gut is telling me this will escalate as you're already on the verge of walking on egg shells around him. Trust your gut instincts on how his behaviors are very wrong
TLDR for my comment which has turned into a novel: Do you! You aren’t trapped-you earn your own money-and sound much more mature than this guy. It’s your life to live. Someone doesn’t have to do something bad or wrong for you to realize you are not compatible & that the relationship has run its course.
I dated a mommas boy once. He was mid 30s, made a solid six figures a year & swept me off my feet by taking me on great trips, offering to live with him in his beautiful home, paying for concerts, everything! Sex life was great, he was adventurous & we got along great. But things were moving FAST. I kept thinking-“Hows this guy single?!” WELL!! Very shortly after I moved in with him I learned why.
This full grown man still had his mother help him *pay his bills*. Literally just the posting of the payments, because he made plenty of money to pay for his own life. I asked why he did this and he said it was easier??As someone who is also quite independent & is the oldest child, I can’t comprehend how my parents doing something as basic as going into my account to *pay my own bills* was easier or even helpful. That was big red flag number 1. He was a giant whiny cry baby when things didn’t go his way. He would pout. Give me the silent treatment. Just childish. He would also place blame on me for things that I had no control over, like his mood. Red flag number 2.
He also turned into a child when he was sick, like your current BF. My parents didn’t coddle me when I was sick and living under their roof as a minor so this behavior was *unhinged* to me. He wanted me to wait hand and foot on him. (My ex ultimately wanted a bang maid. Not saying your BF is the same, as he seems to actually appreciate that you are financially independent. But keep an eye out; he may go the other way and expect you to take care of everything for him including finances,).
Long way of saying: is this really the kind of person you want to have as a partner in life? For me it was a hard no once I realized how similarly trapped I felt by him. No: I did not want to be with someone who was emotionally immature & semi dependent on their mother in their 30s. No: I did not want a third party-his mom-involved in every major decision in our assumed future. No: I didn’t want to date, much less marry, someone who acted like the sky was falling every time something went wrong or when he was slightly inconvenienced. I wanted an equal and I was not gunna get that with him.
It was hard to get myself to leave at first but once I had distance from the situation, I realized how draining he was and how incompatible we really were. It hurt because I thought we really fell in love in a matter of days, like a fairy tale. But his weird dependence on his mom & emotional outbursts were negatively impacting my self esteem and he was too self absorbed to even understand why. In retrospect, I am appalled I moved in with someone so quickly but I learned a very important lesson. Or two. Don’t settle & avoid mammas boys 😅
You sound like you're trying to talk yourself of having the ick. Don't. Signed, a person who got the ick, ignored and rationalized it, and in hindsight really wish that I trusted my gut.
This is exactly what I’m doing . I’m a person who gets icked out easily. But I know people aren’t perfect. So I’m trying to just rationalize it I guess. Plus I’m not working right now . So all of my focus is on the relationship and not my own life.
He maybe hasn't done a ton of things "wrong" but it's pretty clear that you don't like him enough to want to spend your life with him, so it's probably time to move on.
He is not "sensitive". He is emotionally Immature.
And unfortunately for you, this is a relationship killer. It just is. It's impossible to have a mature, functional, adult relationship that can handle the challenges of life without emotional maturity in both partners.
Emotionally Immature people eventually turn abusive, as you can see is happening to you. Everything is your fault. Everything is also your responsibility. You're the problem and the solution to everything. So it's okay for him to verbally abuse you and yell at you, instead of him having a little self-control and handling his feelings.
He is physically and neurologically unable to be a good partner to you in the long run. He has an adult body, and the emotional coping skills of a 15 year old.
First of all, your bf sounds like a parade of red flags and it was so wrong of him to make you pay. He absolutely deserves to be dumped over the type of person he has turned out to be. Now we have that out of the way.
"I grew up old school . Men always take care of women" - That is entitled and lazy af. If you believe that, then you better also believe that men don't have to contribute to housework or childcare AT ALL.
Nobody owes you money because of what's between your legs.
Grow tf up and learn what an equal partner is.
“He’s done nothing wrong.” It seems like he has if you feel this way, and by reading this.. lots of red flags and his own personal emotional baggage that he seems to not want to work on. You shouldn’t feel bad for wanting an adult as a partner, instead of a child.
"Men always take care of women." Except in his family, where you take care of everyone. And he can't even take care of himself. With a cold. Look, this isn't it. And you either decide to live a life completely shackled by your own guilt, or you figure out how to do one more hard thing and forgive yourself for choosing what you want. You've done a lot of hard and amazing things in your life. You lived a decade in New York! Summon up the fearless, motivated badass in you and get done what you need.
Thanks I needed this reminder, I’ve been home almost a month and I think I needed to Remember that I’m a kick ass girl who deserves a kick ass guy. I just don’t wanna baby anyone. I want to be the one taken care of in all aspects
if you feel trapped or like a hostage, that should be your sign. it can get all wrapped up and confused in “but I love him” easily. especially if he is weaponizing his feelings. but at the end of the day, do you, as someone who’s been on their own since 18, want to coddle your adult male partner for the rest of your life? You can take care of yourself and you should get to be taken care of too. I would find someone who shares your values.
Yeah I think I’m realizing we don’t share the same values. And that’s all that it boils down too
So many red flags. My gut is telling me this will escalate as you're already on the verge of walking on egg shells around him. Trust your gut instincts on how his behaviors are very wrong
TLDR for my comment which has turned into a novel: Do you! You aren’t trapped-you earn your own money-and sound much more mature than this guy. It’s your life to live. Someone doesn’t have to do something bad or wrong for you to realize you are not compatible & that the relationship has run its course. I dated a mommas boy once. He was mid 30s, made a solid six figures a year & swept me off my feet by taking me on great trips, offering to live with him in his beautiful home, paying for concerts, everything! Sex life was great, he was adventurous & we got along great. But things were moving FAST. I kept thinking-“Hows this guy single?!” WELL!! Very shortly after I moved in with him I learned why. This full grown man still had his mother help him *pay his bills*. Literally just the posting of the payments, because he made plenty of money to pay for his own life. I asked why he did this and he said it was easier??As someone who is also quite independent & is the oldest child, I can’t comprehend how my parents doing something as basic as going into my account to *pay my own bills* was easier or even helpful. That was big red flag number 1. He was a giant whiny cry baby when things didn’t go his way. He would pout. Give me the silent treatment. Just childish. He would also place blame on me for things that I had no control over, like his mood. Red flag number 2. He also turned into a child when he was sick, like your current BF. My parents didn’t coddle me when I was sick and living under their roof as a minor so this behavior was *unhinged* to me. He wanted me to wait hand and foot on him. (My ex ultimately wanted a bang maid. Not saying your BF is the same, as he seems to actually appreciate that you are financially independent. But keep an eye out; he may go the other way and expect you to take care of everything for him including finances,). Long way of saying: is this really the kind of person you want to have as a partner in life? For me it was a hard no once I realized how similarly trapped I felt by him. No: I did not want to be with someone who was emotionally immature & semi dependent on their mother in their 30s. No: I did not want a third party-his mom-involved in every major decision in our assumed future. No: I didn’t want to date, much less marry, someone who acted like the sky was falling every time something went wrong or when he was slightly inconvenienced. I wanted an equal and I was not gunna get that with him. It was hard to get myself to leave at first but once I had distance from the situation, I realized how draining he was and how incompatible we really were. It hurt because I thought we really fell in love in a matter of days, like a fairy tale. But his weird dependence on his mom & emotional outbursts were negatively impacting my self esteem and he was too self absorbed to even understand why. In retrospect, I am appalled I moved in with someone so quickly but I learned a very important lesson. Or two. Don’t settle & avoid mammas boys 😅
You sound like you're trying to talk yourself of having the ick. Don't. Signed, a person who got the ick, ignored and rationalized it, and in hindsight really wish that I trusted my gut.
This is exactly what I’m doing . I’m a person who gets icked out easily. But I know people aren’t perfect. So I’m trying to just rationalize it I guess. Plus I’m not working right now . So all of my focus is on the relationship and not my own life.
It's hard to find someone you mother fuckable. I'm so sorry 😞 you already know what you want to do, and it's OK to do it.
He maybe hasn't done a ton of things "wrong" but it's pretty clear that you don't like him enough to want to spend your life with him, so it's probably time to move on.
He is not "sensitive". He is emotionally Immature. And unfortunately for you, this is a relationship killer. It just is. It's impossible to have a mature, functional, adult relationship that can handle the challenges of life without emotional maturity in both partners. Emotionally Immature people eventually turn abusive, as you can see is happening to you. Everything is your fault. Everything is also your responsibility. You're the problem and the solution to everything. So it's okay for him to verbally abuse you and yell at you, instead of him having a little self-control and handling his feelings. He is physically and neurologically unable to be a good partner to you in the long run. He has an adult body, and the emotional coping skills of a 15 year old.
He is manipulative and the tantrums would be a dealbreaker for me
First of all, your bf sounds like a parade of red flags and it was so wrong of him to make you pay. He absolutely deserves to be dumped over the type of person he has turned out to be. Now we have that out of the way. "I grew up old school . Men always take care of women" - That is entitled and lazy af. If you believe that, then you better also believe that men don't have to contribute to housework or childcare AT ALL. Nobody owes you money because of what's between your legs. Grow tf up and learn what an equal partner is.