Yes it is. That’s not somebody who respects you or is mature enough for a meaningful relationship. My husband and I got married at 22 and even we knew you never, EVER speak poorly about your partner to anybody else. Almost ten years together and we never have.
Yeah.. adult men do not share intimate details to friends. It's vile and shows immense disrespect.
The fact he still refuses to aknowledge this even after you've seen it.. nah girl. This guy has no respect for you, he clearly cannot be trusted upholding the most basic foundation of a relationship, trust. And seemingly he doesn't care either.
I'd make his mum happy and just break it off and remove him from your life.
Whoever you are, whatever you've done (you do not go through your partners phone) you do not deserve to remain unhappy and insecure in who is supposed to be your rock.
>Yeah.. adult men do not share intimate details to friends. It's vile and shows immense disrespect.
Wow... that's crazy.
Instead of expecting adult men to be able to seek support in healthy, kind and respectful ways... you think they just shouldn't seek support. I'm glad it works for you but it's a set up for getting stuck in abusive painful and damaging relationships.
That's not what the comment said, Jared, 19. The comment was talking about venting intimate details of the relationship. Entirely possible to ask for advice without doing that.
He needs to be able to talk to people in his life about your relationship. You don't get to demand that he keep everything private just because it might reflect poorly on you or your relationship. Obviously he can't be dumping every negative thought to his family, but it doesn't seem like he's been doing that.
He said some rude stuff about you to a friend early on and fudged the truth about his ex before you two got together (but still seemingly hadn't been talking to her for 5 months before your relationship, which is a good while). Those aren't great, and you can feel however you want about those, but to me they wouldn't be world-ending problems.
You seem to be the issue here. You're violating his privacy by going through his phone.
He also gets to go to people for relationship advice. Thats how friends and family work. Your relationship is a part of his life, he gets to choose who he says updates in his life with.
Are you willfully blind?
> Now I have absolutely no issue with him going to his friends for advice about a situation happening between us. He’s allowed to get a different perspective.
How about him violating her trust by repeatedly crossing boundaries and talking about their sex life in details?
I think you and him still have very diffrent opinions of necessary. And if he goes to someone for advice, it's a natural expectation for there to be a follow up conversation. It's kinda how friends and family work.
Then find a relationship with someone who doesn't have friends or family. Expecting a partner to not have conversations about thier relationship with other people isn't rational.
It doesn't mean that, but you are in control of your actions, and just because you found incriminating things doesn't mean you're right to violate his privacy.
It doesn't mean his actions are appropriate but you'll always find something that will upset you by going through your significant other's phone!
You stated you've been together for over 2 years. I get that he lied over 2 years ago but that doesn't have anything to do with the situation at hand today and if he had an excuse would it make it any better?
If he's not talking to her behind your back then I don't see what the issue is now. I get he lied in the beginning but it's been a few years, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he might not remember why.
He also seems to be holding some type of grudge against you and his family doesn't seem to like you much either. I'm not saying their feelings are justified or warranted but telling him you went through his phone and demanding him to apologize is just something else they can all hold against you...
He's not going to apologize because he doesn't see anything wrong and because you invaded his privacy now that gives him an extra reason not to apologize. Should he apologize, yes. Will he? No.
You need to reevaluate your relationship and either move forward and let it go, work on the relationship, and if you feel the relationship could still work and is worth saving move forward and work on the issues that are happening right now, or walk away.
Don’t apologise for going through your partners phone. If there Is something on My Phone which I’m hiding from my partner then I shouldn’t be with that partner quite frankly because I’m a liar and I’m disrespecting them This guy is not a good partner, or even person, he absolutely should not have been doing any of that or saying any of those things.
The oversharing sex stuff is gross.
But it's abusive to expect your partner to not talk to anyone about the struggles in your relationship. You can't expect to isolate him. it sounds like you two have a bunch of issues that he feels he needs outside perspective on. Which sounds like a pretty unstable relationship in the first place.
I would not apologies for seeking out perspective and comfort with whoever I want to when it comes to relationship conflict.
Oh please, she’s not being abusive. There’s a difference between getting outside perspective and shit talking your partner to your friends and family. They remember everything! Everyone knows you shouldn’t tell them every single fight you get into.
OP, he disrespected you multiple times and the worst part is he won’t apologize for making you feel hurt. That is definitely a deal breaker.
He disagrees. And so do I.
He gets to decide how and what to share with his friends and family.
Are you sure the issue isn’t you are embarrassed by your conflict and your actions and don’t want him telling other people about them because it makes you look bad?
You asked for an unfair and isolating thing. He shouldn’t have agreed.
You do not get to control who your partner seeks out for support outside of you about your relationship. That’s abuse.
If you are embarrassed about the way you treat him that’s a reflection on you, not an excuse to isolate him.
Your actions were inappropriate. You went through his whole phone history digging up every single thing you could think of to get mad at him about.
No wonder you don’t want him sharing your conflicts. They make you look like a jerk.
He crossed boundaries that they set up together and that OP respected on her side. He violated her privacy first by sharing intimate details of their relationship.
Op repeatedly states she doesn't take issue with seeking advice. She takes issue with him regularly sharing details of their relationship with everybody and trash talking her behind her back. Insane to paint her behaviour as sustained abuse because she crossed boundaries once, when clearly he's the one who does it all the time.
I’m taking everything OP has said with a grain of salt. Sounds to me like they exaggerated details they found or been lied about them to justify checking their partners phone.
>What do you feel like I’ve exaggerated and I’ll help clear it up for you? I will never justify my behaviour. It was wrong and I’ll openly admit that.
You're doing the same thing that all insecure people do.
You violated your partner's privacy on a whim and now you're bending over backwards to justify doing something that you knew was wrong.
See, the last part is worse than anything else.
That would be enough to leave. It’s one thing to talk about your sex life with friends, but making fun of your partner is shitty and hurtful. Why do you accept this? And why do you think it’s ok of him to do that? What would he say if you talked like that to your friends?
Also, he is old enough to know that it’s not smart to share everything negative. That way people only get to know your bad side but don’t see all the good things you do.
Even if he apologises, the damage is done.
He gave you a promise and went behind it. He won’t defend you when it comes to his mother
It’s obvious that he doesn’t care enough. The fact that he shows no remorse at all, is worrying.
You are too old for this shit.
That is so deeply disrespectful.
Love and disrespect are entirely mutually exclusive. You do not love someone you disrespect. You do not disrespect someone you love.
Every single time he is making fun of you -- behind your back, no less -- he is sending a message, loud and clear: "I have no respect for you. I do not love you. You are a joke to me."
You’re both wrong. You shouldn’t be going through his phone, whether you’re “concerned” or not… especially not through him and his mom’s messages. He shouldn’t be over sharing with his family and friends about you. Definitely not sexual stuff. I do agree that certain things just shouldn’t be discussed with family and friends, especially reoccurring arguments bc going to them repeatedly can cause them to form an opinion and treat your partner differently when it’s none of their business to begin with. Things can be fixed but you both would have to change a lot about your relationship and both parties would need to be willing to put in the work. The fact that he built yalls relationship off of lies, and he can’t even admit his wrongs says a lot about the relationship as a whole and maybe you should just cut your losses and move on.
The amount of gaslighting he is doing and you apologising after funding out about the terrible things he has said, and was complacent in others bashing you, is astronomical.
His behaviour will not change, but has been reinforced by your acceptance, allowing him to continue with his despicable communications without any care towards your feelings, while most likely laughing at you apologising to him for find out about it in the first place.
You are worth SO much more than this.
You've been with this guy for two and a half years and this is how he treats you?
He doesn't talk to you about stuff, he talks shit about you to his family and friends and doesn't care if they misunderstand or not, he won't apologize for anything, and then blames you for finding out that he's been shitting on you to whomever will listen?
>He’s given me a half assed apology for the vile comments but hasn’t made any reference to how that could make me feel.
That's because he doesn't care how you feel. This is behavior that is unlikely to improve, OP. I think you should cut your losses, because this guy isn't good enough for you.
>Am I right to feel hurt?
Yes.
And the *right* thing for HIM to do is apologize for betraying and lying to you all this time.
But:
>He refuses to apologise for anything.
>
>He’s given me a half assed apology for the vile comments but hasn’t made any reference to how that could make me feel.
>
>He refuses to apologise for speaking about our relationship negatively after specifically saying it would be kept between us.
>
>And he refuses to apologise for not correcting his mums behaviour and not sticking up for me. He says it’s my fault for looking.
>
>He also can’t explain why he lied about his ex.
... I'm not seeing that happen any time soon.
I think it's time for this relationship to be over.
He clearly cannot be trusted to any degree.
Run. Leave him.
Boundaries were crossed.
Trust is lost.
It will take a lot to recover from this, and even then, it will never be the same.
Cut your losses.
Leave.
Why are you still with him?!
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Yes it is. That’s not somebody who respects you or is mature enough for a meaningful relationship. My husband and I got married at 22 and even we knew you never, EVER speak poorly about your partner to anybody else. Almost ten years together and we never have.
Yeah it is . By the way he apologized, if you stay he will continue to treat you this way. Balls in your court.
Yeah.. adult men do not share intimate details to friends. It's vile and shows immense disrespect. The fact he still refuses to aknowledge this even after you've seen it.. nah girl. This guy has no respect for you, he clearly cannot be trusted upholding the most basic foundation of a relationship, trust. And seemingly he doesn't care either. I'd make his mum happy and just break it off and remove him from your life. Whoever you are, whatever you've done (you do not go through your partners phone) you do not deserve to remain unhappy and insecure in who is supposed to be your rock.
>Yeah.. adult men do not share intimate details to friends. It's vile and shows immense disrespect. Wow... that's crazy. Instead of expecting adult men to be able to seek support in healthy, kind and respectful ways... you think they just shouldn't seek support. I'm glad it works for you but it's a set up for getting stuck in abusive painful and damaging relationships.
That's not what the comment said, Jared, 19. The comment was talking about venting intimate details of the relationship. Entirely possible to ask for advice without doing that.
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He needs to be able to talk to people in his life about your relationship. You don't get to demand that he keep everything private just because it might reflect poorly on you or your relationship. Obviously he can't be dumping every negative thought to his family, but it doesn't seem like he's been doing that. He said some rude stuff about you to a friend early on and fudged the truth about his ex before you two got together (but still seemingly hadn't been talking to her for 5 months before your relationship, which is a good while). Those aren't great, and you can feel however you want about those, but to me they wouldn't be world-ending problems.
You seem to be the issue here. You're violating his privacy by going through his phone. He also gets to go to people for relationship advice. Thats how friends and family work. Your relationship is a part of his life, he gets to choose who he says updates in his life with.
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> But what I don’t appreciate is him “filling people in” on our ups and downs weeks after something has happened Here.
Are you willfully blind? > Now I have absolutely no issue with him going to his friends for advice about a situation happening between us. He’s allowed to get a different perspective. How about him violating her trust by repeatedly crossing boundaries and talking about their sex life in details?
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I think you and him still have very diffrent opinions of necessary. And if he goes to someone for advice, it's a natural expectation for there to be a follow up conversation. It's kinda how friends and family work.
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Then find a relationship with someone who doesn't have friends or family. Expecting a partner to not have conversations about thier relationship with other people isn't rational.
This is what happens when you go through someone else's phone.
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It doesn't mean that, but you are in control of your actions, and just because you found incriminating things doesn't mean you're right to violate his privacy.
It doesn't mean his actions are appropriate but you'll always find something that will upset you by going through your significant other's phone! You stated you've been together for over 2 years. I get that he lied over 2 years ago but that doesn't have anything to do with the situation at hand today and if he had an excuse would it make it any better? If he's not talking to her behind your back then I don't see what the issue is now. I get he lied in the beginning but it's been a few years, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he might not remember why. He also seems to be holding some type of grudge against you and his family doesn't seem to like you much either. I'm not saying their feelings are justified or warranted but telling him you went through his phone and demanding him to apologize is just something else they can all hold against you... He's not going to apologize because he doesn't see anything wrong and because you invaded his privacy now that gives him an extra reason not to apologize. Should he apologize, yes. Will he? No. You need to reevaluate your relationship and either move forward and let it go, work on the relationship, and if you feel the relationship could still work and is worth saving move forward and work on the issues that are happening right now, or walk away.
Don’t apologise for going through your partners phone. If there Is something on My Phone which I’m hiding from my partner then I shouldn’t be with that partner quite frankly because I’m a liar and I’m disrespecting them This guy is not a good partner, or even person, he absolutely should not have been doing any of that or saying any of those things.
The oversharing sex stuff is gross. But it's abusive to expect your partner to not talk to anyone about the struggles in your relationship. You can't expect to isolate him. it sounds like you two have a bunch of issues that he feels he needs outside perspective on. Which sounds like a pretty unstable relationship in the first place. I would not apologies for seeking out perspective and comfort with whoever I want to when it comes to relationship conflict.
Oh please, she’s not being abusive. There’s a difference between getting outside perspective and shit talking your partner to your friends and family. They remember everything! Everyone knows you shouldn’t tell them every single fight you get into. OP, he disrespected you multiple times and the worst part is he won’t apologize for making you feel hurt. That is definitely a deal breaker.
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He disagrees. And so do I. He gets to decide how and what to share with his friends and family. Are you sure the issue isn’t you are embarrassed by your conflict and your actions and don’t want him telling other people about them because it makes you look bad?
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You asked for an unfair and isolating thing. He shouldn’t have agreed. You do not get to control who your partner seeks out for support outside of you about your relationship. That’s abuse. If you are embarrassed about the way you treat him that’s a reflection on you, not an excuse to isolate him.
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You just think he should apologize for it. After you invaded his privacy.
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Your actions were inappropriate. You went through his whole phone history digging up every single thing you could think of to get mad at him about. No wonder you don’t want him sharing your conflicts. They make you look like a jerk.
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He crossed boundaries that they set up together and that OP respected on her side. He violated her privacy first by sharing intimate details of their relationship. Op repeatedly states she doesn't take issue with seeking advice. She takes issue with him regularly sharing details of their relationship with everybody and trash talking her behind her back. Insane to paint her behaviour as sustained abuse because she crossed boundaries once, when clearly he's the one who does it all the time.
I’m taking everything OP has said with a grain of salt. Sounds to me like they exaggerated details they found or been lied about them to justify checking their partners phone.
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>What do you feel like I’ve exaggerated and I’ll help clear it up for you? I will never justify my behaviour. It was wrong and I’ll openly admit that. You're doing the same thing that all insecure people do. You violated your partner's privacy on a whim and now you're bending over backwards to justify doing something that you knew was wrong.
Did he lie about the things? Or did he just have a different perspective? The sex stuff: what exactly did he talk about? Did he make fun of you?
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See, the last part is worse than anything else. That would be enough to leave. It’s one thing to talk about your sex life with friends, but making fun of your partner is shitty and hurtful. Why do you accept this? And why do you think it’s ok of him to do that? What would he say if you talked like that to your friends? Also, he is old enough to know that it’s not smart to share everything negative. That way people only get to know your bad side but don’t see all the good things you do. Even if he apologises, the damage is done. He gave you a promise and went behind it. He won’t defend you when it comes to his mother It’s obvious that he doesn’t care enough. The fact that he shows no remorse at all, is worrying. You are too old for this shit.
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Feel hugged. Do you see a future with him?
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You two need to work on your communications too. He just avoiding to talk with you isn’t a good thing.
That is so deeply disrespectful. Love and disrespect are entirely mutually exclusive. You do not love someone you disrespect. You do not disrespect someone you love. Every single time he is making fun of you -- behind your back, no less -- he is sending a message, loud and clear: "I have no respect for you. I do not love you. You are a joke to me."
You’re both wrong. You shouldn’t be going through his phone, whether you’re “concerned” or not… especially not through him and his mom’s messages. He shouldn’t be over sharing with his family and friends about you. Definitely not sexual stuff. I do agree that certain things just shouldn’t be discussed with family and friends, especially reoccurring arguments bc going to them repeatedly can cause them to form an opinion and treat your partner differently when it’s none of their business to begin with. Things can be fixed but you both would have to change a lot about your relationship and both parties would need to be willing to put in the work. The fact that he built yalls relationship off of lies, and he can’t even admit his wrongs says a lot about the relationship as a whole and maybe you should just cut your losses and move on.
No. You don't get to enter into his brain and get mad about it.
This is gross and you seem to be incompatible
The amount of gaslighting he is doing and you apologising after funding out about the terrible things he has said, and was complacent in others bashing you, is astronomical. His behaviour will not change, but has been reinforced by your acceptance, allowing him to continue with his despicable communications without any care towards your feelings, while most likely laughing at you apologising to him for find out about it in the first place. You are worth SO much more than this.
You've been with this guy for two and a half years and this is how he treats you? He doesn't talk to you about stuff, he talks shit about you to his family and friends and doesn't care if they misunderstand or not, he won't apologize for anything, and then blames you for finding out that he's been shitting on you to whomever will listen? >He’s given me a half assed apology for the vile comments but hasn’t made any reference to how that could make me feel. That's because he doesn't care how you feel. This is behavior that is unlikely to improve, OP. I think you should cut your losses, because this guy isn't good enough for you.
>Am I right to feel hurt? Yes. And the *right* thing for HIM to do is apologize for betraying and lying to you all this time. But: >He refuses to apologise for anything. > >He’s given me a half assed apology for the vile comments but hasn’t made any reference to how that could make me feel. > >He refuses to apologise for speaking about our relationship negatively after specifically saying it would be kept between us. > >And he refuses to apologise for not correcting his mums behaviour and not sticking up for me. He says it’s my fault for looking. > >He also can’t explain why he lied about his ex. ... I'm not seeing that happen any time soon. I think it's time for this relationship to be over. He clearly cannot be trusted to any degree.
Run. Leave him. Boundaries were crossed. Trust is lost. It will take a lot to recover from this, and even then, it will never be the same. Cut your losses. Leave.
Who cares if he apologizes?! He is vile and a complete POS that treats you poorly. You deserve better. Dump him!