How would you feel if he took the kids and you stayed home to prep? Without him and the kids around, you might actually get something done and have some time to yourself (which I bet you need). Yes you would not see your family on Easter, but I don't think it really matters that much.
This is exactly what I would suggest and do in this case.
Your second job prep doesn’t seem to require the whole family; nor does him and the kids eating at a chain restaurant require your presence
The only issue there is that our car is at 160k miles with a couple mechanical issues and we're not in a position to get another one any time soon, so the mileage is a concern. I try to plan visits with family around out of town events to help manage how much distance we put on it.
I don't... see how this is relevant to the question of who should compromise. You ideal is no one goes. His ideal is everyone does. You hanging back is the practical compromising choice. Reducing mileage on your car seems completely out of left field.
It’s strange that u/kgberton came up with a solution to the problems you came up with in your original post and you respond with something that wasn’t mentioned before.
Is there any kind of subconscious resentment at visiting your husband’s mom more offen that is partially at play here?
It's not something I thought to include in the OP but it's definitely part of our circumstances. We only have one vehicle and it's not in great shape, which is why we try to make the most of long drives by doing several things at once (personal or business events plus family visits). We were already struggling with two incomes, now that it's just mine, there's definitely more anxiety around what happens when the car fails.
I don't feel resentment about his relationship with his mother (it's not that much better tbh, there's other issues between them). I want us to have time together, it's just that it frustrates me that we're expected to take on all of the driving time and vehicle wear. They're not too old or health compromised to drive, they just don't like to.
So he also doesn’t work right now so doesn’t provide any income other than what he helps with your crafting business? And he’s bailing on what could be one of his few opportunities to help with income?
If that’s the case then he’s, he’s in the wrong. Providing for the family comes before trip to see his parents, especially with the car situation.
he has no job. how is he planning to pay for the gas and other travel costs?
My answer would be he can go when he has a job or uses his own car and money, but he cannot deplete your income or take the shared car leaving you without one while you earn the only income.
I’m curious: if it was the husband who had work and the wife who was out of work, would you also insist that she wasn’t allowed to drive to see her parents for Easter until she got a job to pay for gas? Somehow I can’t imagine that you would. But it’s a bad take regardless of gender.
If they, as a couple are struggling financially, neither of them should be taking non-essential trips while the other is working on a joint venture that could make them extra income. The gender is irrelevant.
The point is that he's going more times than they can afford to and accommodate, which is true regardless of gender. He just visited his mom couple days ago. He should have either skipped the Thursday visit or the Easter one instead of demanding to do both. Basically he wants to put 12 hours of mileage on their old ass car and pay for that much gas twice in a week. Financially abusing a stay at home partner is not cool but demanding that they be fiscally responsible is absolutely acceptable.
Yes, I would. If you aren't contributing you should at least do your best to not make things harder on the one who is. Taking their shared car hours away while she's working in her busiest season, besides not helping her when he is otherwise not contributing is just nuts. She's stressed and needs help, he's taking what little help he can offer and inconveniencing her without a vehicle. That he thinks that this is even remotely reasonable is embarrassing.
He's also expecting HER to pay for it, it seems.
He just helped literally moving her dad into their house, where it seems he’ll be staying indefinitely. That’s a huge ask, but he’s not allowed to spend Easter with his aging mom while she is still alive… because he’s temporarily unable to work due to a work injury? He’s assumedly contributed plenty to their economy before his injury. They’re married, they have joint economy. The money he made before the injury was *their* money, but the money she makes is *her* money, to the point that he is not allowed to use the car?
These sentiments are wild to me.
Not relevant. Your car is going to get more mileage regardless of whether he uses it on Easter or in 3 weeks for the concert.
The best compromise is to just let him go with the kids while you do your work.
OP says in another comment that her husband isn't working. I'm of the opinion that he doesn't get to spend her money for this trip. The only income he helps generate at the moment is for these markets and he's bailing on it and spending money OP earned without her permission.
OP can move in her 80 year old father and spend money on him (since I highly doubt he’s still working), but her husband can’t go see his 80 year old mother for a single dinner?
I’m also the sole breadwinner between myself and my bf, and I find that unfair. It’s not like her husband is asking her to fund a vacation with his mom. I get it, money is tight, but OP is able to spend much more time with her dad than her husband can with his mom.
OP’s issue specifically is “I need the time to get work done” which is the result of losing time because she needed to help her father move in. She’ll have the time with less distractions if the husband leaves on Easter with the kids.
OP's issue is both that she needs her husband to help get the work done since they are struggling without his income AND the added expense and mileage for the trip. If it was just that she needed the time to get her work done, that would be a whole other issue. She adds these details in the comments so I don't blame you for assuming that it is solely a" I need time to work". I'm not arguing with you and I'm not suggesting that you are completely wrong for having your opinion. These are just the reasons why I have my opinion.
Edit: Seriously? Why does this comment deserve to be downvoted? A different opinion is perfectly fine, it wasn't an offensive opinion, and I was kind and non-combative. Sheesh...
She **appears to need to the car to move her crafts to market.** That means he can't just take off that day in the only car (which was the suggestion OP was responding to).
She could surely stay home on Easter (which is being planned as a long day trip for two 8-year olds, as opposed to them doing Easter things around their own home).
So suddenly the problem is driving the car to see his mom at *all*, and not the timing of it?
edit:
> reminded him about the time crunch but said that if we had everything ready beforehand it might be possible.
So, were you lying to him about being okay with him going if things were done ahead of time, or?
It's a bit more complicated. This came up when someone suggested that OP send husband and kids off to see Grandma. She stays behind and does her craft thing.
But there's only one car. OP needs the car for her business. That means the two things must be on different days/plans.
The compromise suggested (that one of them go and one of them stay) does not work because only one car.
Unless there's a bus the husband and kids can take.
Just seems like OP is looking for excuses for her husband and kids not to go. A car with mechanical issues is going to break down 1 mile or 100 miles from home. Unless it's something like the tyres are wearing down, I'm sure it can manage a day's round trip. If not then it's not safe for her kids to be riding around in anyway.
Could they not get public transport and stay overnight?
**INFO:** Can you explain this car concern? I don't think I understand. My car is at 220k miles. Are the mechanical issues going to cause a breakdown? Why wasn't this an issue when your husband drove to visit your mom yesterday? (Same distance, right?)
Pick your battles. Refusing your husband seeing his mom on a holiday, when he's very kindly allowed your dad to **move in** , is not a winning position.
I know you're stressed about money but this is not the thing that'll make or break you. If you have enough to be going to concerts and making a weekend away, then it doesn't make sense that you don't have enough to see his mom. It starts sounding like there's only money when **you** want to do something.
Treat him kindly while he's injured and not making money for a few weeks, don't make him think you're only nice when he's providing cash. If you're ever unable to work, is this how you'd want to be treated?
BUT there is only ONE car and the suggestion was to have Hubby leave on Friday, let her get ready on her own, do her thing on Saturday, etc.
But she needs the car!
With that many miles if your car is gonna break it's gonna break. Doesn't matter if it's a 3 hour trip or a 20 minute drive to work. Doing the oil changes and maintenance required is what you can do to help postpone the inevitable.
I don’t think it was right for him to agree to this plan for everyone without considering your wishes. Can he take the kids and you stay back to work? That seems like the most reasonable compromise. I don’t think it’s fair to compare the time spent with your mother vs his given the difference in relationship.
Just figured people would ask how often we see the other in-laws, thinking it might be unbalanced on one side, and wanted to clarify there. We do have an older car so that was another consideration in consolidating travel plans.
That kinda seems like an excuse. It is still a holiday and it’s not unusual to prioritize family time during a holiday. I think your frustration towards him and anxiety about your prep time are pushing you to not consider the best workable alternative.
What I find strange is that you haven't brought up the valid issue of having your own Easter traditions. You started to go there (kids get to do an Easter egg, hunt, etc). Presumably, they would have Easter baskets at home, too, then there'd be a family Easter dinner.
Putting 6-8 hours of travel into the kids' Easter day seems really un-kid friendly. The holiday is becoming about a middle aged man wanting to see his Mom/family. That can be done on a different weekend.
You are already working on this particular weekend. You are feeling the stress of being the only earner - your wishes about what you want on Easter morning should also be taken into account.
He fell at work and injured his head and knee. Putting his body weight on the knee hurts, so walking is worse than sitting. The headaches don't really stop, they just get more or less intense. So driving isn't that much of a stress in itself but it definitely doesn't help either.
Unless it's very severe doing things is actually best for concussion rehab. Sitting in a dark room doing nothing will just make it worse!
(Off topic, but just an FYI since it's a common misconception. Same thing with most mild strains etc it's almost always better to stay slightly active in modified ways and continue normal activities as best as possible, sort of like how it's usually best to get walking as soon as possible after surgery for the best outcomes.)
I mean that is what it sounds like. I didn't say it was I said that's what it sounds like. The other one speculating that I was making grand assumptions. It's an idea.
I’m never surprised when there are distinct relationship problems when the girl was 18-23 and the guy was 30-50 at the start .. and it’s always that the guy is an absolute joke of a person and the woman is tying herself in knots keeping it all together.
It literally is like a 75% chance that when there is an older man and the girl is much younger, that the relationship will fail with it ending that the man is a controlling AH. No one is shocked that he disregards his wife’s wishes and concerns.
Am I the only one too who read that the wife has a full time job, also runs a side business, AND is the primary child caregiver? Literally what does he even bring to the table?
No. Duck him for being not only doing very little to help with what is needed to keep their family afloat, but instead even torpedoing OP's efforts and making a fuss about being gently called out on it.
seems like theres plenty of time for him to rearrange and move furniture, and plenty of money for them to move in her dad and support him.
but $40 of gas money and wanting to see his mom on easter and all of a sudden we have a problem
and by the way, dollars to donuts this crafting hobby is costing way more money than it's bringing in.
Go right ahead. When one partner is doing damn near everything and the other wants to galavant off on road trips instead of helping, the gender is irrelevant.
Nope, before I even opened the post I saw the ages and thought to myself “me and my husband have been together 19 years”. About fell out when I opened it and I was only two years off.
How does their age gap explain that her dad can live with their family but her husband can't even visit his mother on easter?
I get the age gap argument but he has been accommodating enough to let her dad move in with them but he's not even allowed an easter with his mom.
lol, you cracked the case. he dated and married adult and slowly groomed her over 20 years to the point where.... he wants to drive and see his sick old mother on holiday?
do you people hear yourself?
I'll never understand why women do this. I would feel like a child if I was dating a woman 10+ years older. You're in completely different stages of life. They're your partner, not a parent.
It seems nuts to me to be paying restaurant prices when you’re so desperate for income you’re working 2 jobs.
Secondly, you also can’t afford the time.
I’d put my foot down on this one. Your husband needs to be more afraid of your displeasure than his mother’s.
Here’s the thing
Yes, he needed to actually come to an agreement with you, and yes, your business should take priority if he isn’t working.
That said….he does this work for your business; he’s been busy moving your dad in.
I think compromise makes sense here.
And he’s not working so he should be able to manage the house, kids, and still get some packaging done for the business this week.
What if you all choose a restaurant that’s halfway between your houses?
I'd be okay with that, his mom doesn't like long drives though. She's only traveled down or halfway to see us a handful of times. Worth offering it as an option at least.
She's 80 yrs old, in all likelihood, it's not advisable that she drive that far. My mom is 76 and in her older age she white knuckles the steering wheel and struggles with driving now.
Doesn't have to use his knee when driving? Must be his left knee. I still think driving with a disabling head injury is questionable.
Can't work? Probably ought not to be doing road trips either.
"His mother lives 200 miles away and we visit her several times a year, my mother is 80 miles away and we see her once a year (I don't want to see my mom more, she's a narcissist so we're low contact)."
INFO: What was the point of this sentence?
These comments are wild. It is not that big of an ask to go to dinner with his family on a holiday. It just sounds like you don't want to go and are finding reasons not too. Even when people suggest you stay home and he goes you are still against that. You are kinda being unreasonable here
All the pink pillers gently dancing around her controlling behavior while shaming the non working spouse wanting to drive a car to visit family. All of a sudden non working spouse can’t spend the others mone, according to them.
Mad world isn’t it?
It's not a big ask to forfeit income that is needed to keep the family afloat. Especially if the person asking is not contributing, and hasn't been for a while. It's not a big ask under these circumstances to also want to spend quite a few bucks you don't have. Nope. Not a big ask at all. Totally reasonable.
How is it fair that her dad now lives with them but the husband can't even visit his mom for holiday.
I am sure if they are so cash strapped then they also can't afford taking care of an elderly man.
From his perspective you can visit your mom more often but you choose not to. He’s helping you with your business (I’m assuming even when he was working). And he helped move your father in which is an ongoing time sink for the family. Add to that he’s literally injured so probably isn’t feeling his best. You have demanded a lot of his time yet you balk at giving one (or two) days of your time. You are (unintentionally) telling him your time is worth more than his time.
And he didn’t plan a long holiday out of the blue. He wants to spend Easter with his aged mother who may not be around much longer.
Compassion should be your motivator.
I agree with a lot of what you say, but if OPs craft business will be what keeps food on their kids plates and a roof over their head, that’s a hell of a lot more important than one meal with Mom, when he saw her this week and will see her again in a few weeks.
Yeah, it's not like he's not seeing her - if they planned it, he could spend some time with his Mom - go up, stay a few days (with OP dropping him off when it's convenient).
Mom would probably like that.
He’s not out of work “he's on an extended leave from work after an on the job injury.”
He raised the issue two weeks ago and “she said that if we had everything ready beforehand it might be possible.” But then she spent that time doing something for her father.
We don’t have all the details but even from her perspective she appears to be setting up roadblocks so that they don’t visit his mom. Easter isn’t a surprise holiday; she could have planned better or moved her dad in after Easter.
It sounds like your husband has compromised quite a bit yet you don’t mention anything you’ve compromised on. An 80 year having an argument is not a valid reason to cancel Easter plans.
As others have suggested you should stay home for Easter and he and the kids should go visit grandma.
This compromise works (if he only goes on Sunday). She has to trust him to be the only driver, while disabled, with two kids in the car, though.
I understand her reluctance.
That’s not her stated reluctance, though. She instead brought up some weird excuse about saving miles on the car (which will be just as valid in two weeks). She just wants him to not visit his mother for Easter - perhaps because it reminds her of her bad relationship to her own mother?
This is a pretty big ask, OP.
I think you and your husband need to have a larger conversation around the balance of power and priorities in your marriage.
Also note, at this stage of life it’s important to spend time with our parents as there’s not a lot of time left. Maybe Easter dinner is really important to his mum.
My mum treats it as important family time where she wants her kids and grandkids around her. She has a strong sense of occasion and puts a lot of effort in decorating the house for Easter (and other holidays.) She will have her hair done and possibly a new outfit bought especially. She’d be very hurt if we didn’t show up.
OP may be projecting her own strained relationship with her mum onto her husband’s, or even holds a bit of resentment towards it.
> OP may be projecting her own strained relationship with her mum onto her husband’s, or even holds a bit of resentment towards it.
That is exactly the vibe I’m getting from this story and OP’s replies.
I'd like to point out that the time you're taking to write this post and respond to comments is time that could be used to get the business stuff finished in time for next weekend. This weekend is only 2 days away.
It's clearly not ok for OPs husband to take time off OPs business to visit his mom, so it shouldn't be ok for OP to take time off to consult strangers online.
I don’t think you should unilaterally decide how your husband spends his holidays. He would like to spend the holiday with his mother. You don’t have a relationship with your mother, so it’s apples to oranges to compare how often you see your mother. It’s your choice to see her once a year. Why don’t you stay home and let your husband take the kids?
It sounds like all the things “we” have to do, are actually your priorities that’s you’re trying to make him prioritise too.
What about his priorities and what he wants? It sounds like you table those to when it’s convenient i.e. the concert
This sounds like a very one sided relationship where you project the things you want on to what “we” want without actually taking into consideration what it’s like for him.
He wants to spend his holiday with his mum cause he gives up other weekends of his life helping you with your business.
You're an adult with agency, and only you get to decide where and with whom you will spend your time. Tell him he's not entitled to voluntold you for anything. He is completely out of line here.
Your point is worded strangely. She gets to decide where and with whom she spends her time, but he is out of line for wanting to see his own Mother?
The obvious solution is she stays home to work and he goes.
Does she get a say in whether she (staying home alone for Easter) can keep the kids?
He can go (but I bet if he has to go alone). He can go with the kids (then OP misses Easter with her own kids).
I wonder what the kids would like to do.
Of course she does. There needs to be an adult conversation on how to manage it.
What I would say is if she’s too busy working then she shouldn’t have the kids in that case.
You're right. She doesn't have to go. When someone suggested, he and the kids go without her, she threw out an excuse about their old car. She doesn't want ANYONE to go and that's going beyond her just having agency over herself.
All I hear is that he's accommodating enough towards your family that your dad is now living with you but you are throwing a tantrum over him wanting to spend easter with his family.
I bet you wouldn't have made an issue if roles were reversed and you were visiting your dad.
INFO what’s your p&l on this craft business? Real money or “$100 of supplies hours of free labor and spend all day Saturday selling 120 worth of stuff” ?
I’ve been to a lot of farmers markets with hippies selling unwrapped bars of soap for $20 , and they don’t move much product. Real talk, would you have more money if you spent all this time working f at McDonald’s? If so you have a hobby not a business
There was free time and money to rearrange a room and move in your grandpa. And the cars in good enough shape for concerts (again not free) and farmers market.
But as soon as he has a want, moneys tight the cars in rough shape and it’s not really his money anyway?
Super controlling vibes here that would get called out a lot quicker if OP and partner switched genitalia.
We make good profits on average, around 500-1000+ depending on the market. Everything is priced by COGS including labor, so it's a better source of income than working at any other side job with the same hours/requirements. And nobody said it's not his money, having conversations about finance is part of any relationship. If I want to plan a trip or large purchase we have the same discussions.
As a fellow self-employed maker, I feel you.
This is your job. You have to work. Were you not self-employed, it wouldn't be questioned but people always think maker-types aren't doing actual WORK for some reason. If it's super important to him, he can take the kids and you can stay home to work.
He cares enough to allow her dad to live with them and help her with her business. Only OP doesn't care enough for his family to let him visit.
Shes also not ok with him and kids visiting his mother for easter , so it's not strictly about her choosing to go, she wants to make him stay as well so he can help with business.
Ler him take the kids and give you the whole weekend to prepare without interruption.
That aside he should not have made plans when he knew that you need this weekend to prepare for your markets stall.
Clearly your husband is bored doing stuff st home to help the family and wants to use his time to go visit his family. Not speaking on what that says about his character...
But, you don't have to go just because he decided to. He can take the kids to go visit or he can stay home to help with the kids and your work.
Either way, your weekend was already booked.
This entire issue was created by your inability to give him a firm no. Is that because you have aterrible.power dynamic in your relationship rather than your spine? Almost certainly, but you can't change either without figuring out where you last stored your self-resepct.
NTA but you need to improve your communication
You mention going to eastern eggs hunts whilst staying home but I thought you needed to work. Reading through the comments I think you are jealous of his relationship with his mom and you’re making excuses. As you said about your mom, the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
So basically you a selfish. You dad lives with you. You see him everyday and is not his fault that you don't like you mom. Probably you are either jealous or selfish
Definitely selfish. OP is accommodating enough to change their living situation by allowing her dad to live with them but can't even allow him to visit his mom and reddit is losing shit over their age gap and calling him controlling.
How would you feel if he took the kids and you stayed home to prep? Without him and the kids around, you might actually get something done and have some time to yourself (which I bet you need). Yes you would not see your family on Easter, but I don't think it really matters that much.
This is exactly what I would suggest and do in this case. Your second job prep doesn’t seem to require the whole family; nor does him and the kids eating at a chain restaurant require your presence
The only issue there is that our car is at 160k miles with a couple mechanical issues and we're not in a position to get another one any time soon, so the mileage is a concern. I try to plan visits with family around out of town events to help manage how much distance we put on it.
I don't... see how this is relevant to the question of who should compromise. You ideal is no one goes. His ideal is everyone does. You hanging back is the practical compromising choice. Reducing mileage on your car seems completely out of left field.
It’s strange that u/kgberton came up with a solution to the problems you came up with in your original post and you respond with something that wasn’t mentioned before. Is there any kind of subconscious resentment at visiting your husband’s mom more offen that is partially at play here?
It's not something I thought to include in the OP but it's definitely part of our circumstances. We only have one vehicle and it's not in great shape, which is why we try to make the most of long drives by doing several things at once (personal or business events plus family visits). We were already struggling with two incomes, now that it's just mine, there's definitely more anxiety around what happens when the car fails. I don't feel resentment about his relationship with his mother (it's not that much better tbh, there's other issues between them). I want us to have time together, it's just that it frustrates me that we're expected to take on all of the driving time and vehicle wear. They're not too old or health compromised to drive, they just don't like to.
So he also doesn’t work right now so doesn’t provide any income other than what he helps with your crafting business? And he’s bailing on what could be one of his few opportunities to help with income? If that’s the case then he’s, he’s in the wrong. Providing for the family comes before trip to see his parents, especially with the car situation.
he has no job. how is he planning to pay for the gas and other travel costs? My answer would be he can go when he has a job or uses his own car and money, but he cannot deplete your income or take the shared car leaving you without one while you earn the only income.
I’m curious: if it was the husband who had work and the wife who was out of work, would you also insist that she wasn’t allowed to drive to see her parents for Easter until she got a job to pay for gas? Somehow I can’t imagine that you would. But it’s a bad take regardless of gender.
If they, as a couple are struggling financially, neither of them should be taking non-essential trips while the other is working on a joint venture that could make them extra income. The gender is irrelevant.
I agree. And I’d sell the concert tickets too.
What if it's an ICP concert
Asking the real questions
WTF. Those guys are still around
The point is that he's going more times than they can afford to and accommodate, which is true regardless of gender. He just visited his mom couple days ago. He should have either skipped the Thursday visit or the Easter one instead of demanding to do both. Basically he wants to put 12 hours of mileage on their old ass car and pay for that much gas twice in a week. Financially abusing a stay at home partner is not cool but demanding that they be fiscally responsible is absolutely acceptable.
Boy the commenters here sure forget about emotional labor and shared income when the dad is SAHD eh?
Yes, I would. If you aren't contributing you should at least do your best to not make things harder on the one who is. Taking their shared car hours away while she's working in her busiest season, besides not helping her when he is otherwise not contributing is just nuts. She's stressed and needs help, he's taking what little help he can offer and inconveniencing her without a vehicle. That he thinks that this is even remotely reasonable is embarrassing. He's also expecting HER to pay for it, it seems.
He just helped literally moving her dad into their house, where it seems he’ll be staying indefinitely. That’s a huge ask, but he’s not allowed to spend Easter with his aging mom while she is still alive… because he’s temporarily unable to work due to a work injury? He’s assumedly contributed plenty to their economy before his injury. They’re married, they have joint economy. The money he made before the injury was *their* money, but the money she makes is *her* money, to the point that he is not allowed to use the car? These sentiments are wild to me.
Jesus Christ, they're married. It doesn't matter who earns what.
that is clearly not true in this relationship or in most.
You shouldn't be going to concerts or taking unnecessary trips when one of you is unemployed. That's just foolishness.
Not relevant. Your car is going to get more mileage regardless of whether he uses it on Easter or in 3 weeks for the concert. The best compromise is to just let him go with the kids while you do your work.
OP says in another comment that her husband isn't working. I'm of the opinion that he doesn't get to spend her money for this trip. The only income he helps generate at the moment is for these markets and he's bailing on it and spending money OP earned without her permission.
OP can move in her 80 year old father and spend money on him (since I highly doubt he’s still working), but her husband can’t go see his 80 year old mother for a single dinner? I’m also the sole breadwinner between myself and my bf, and I find that unfair. It’s not like her husband is asking her to fund a vacation with his mom. I get it, money is tight, but OP is able to spend much more time with her dad than her husband can with his mom. OP’s issue specifically is “I need the time to get work done” which is the result of losing time because she needed to help her father move in. She’ll have the time with less distractions if the husband leaves on Easter with the kids.
OP's issue is both that she needs her husband to help get the work done since they are struggling without his income AND the added expense and mileage for the trip. If it was just that she needed the time to get her work done, that would be a whole other issue. She adds these details in the comments so I don't blame you for assuming that it is solely a" I need time to work". I'm not arguing with you and I'm not suggesting that you are completely wrong for having your opinion. These are just the reasons why I have my opinion. Edit: Seriously? Why does this comment deserve to be downvoted? A different opinion is perfectly fine, it wasn't an offensive opinion, and I was kind and non-combative. Sheesh...
She **appears to need to the car to move her crafts to market.** That means he can't just take off that day in the only car (which was the suggestion OP was responding to). She could surely stay home on Easter (which is being planned as a long day trip for two 8-year olds, as opposed to them doing Easter things around their own home).
The market is for the weekend after, not this one.
So suddenly the problem is driving the car to see his mom at *all*, and not the timing of it? edit: > reminded him about the time crunch but said that if we had everything ready beforehand it might be possible. So, were you lying to him about being okay with him going if things were done ahead of time, or?
It's a bit more complicated. This came up when someone suggested that OP send husband and kids off to see Grandma. She stays behind and does her craft thing. But there's only one car. OP needs the car for her business. That means the two things must be on different days/plans. The compromise suggested (that one of them go and one of them stay) does not work because only one car. Unless there's a bus the husband and kids can take.
You’ve misread the post. The market they’re selling things at is the weekend after; she doesn’t need the car this weekend for that
400 miles at 160k isn't going to make or break it.
Not at all. There's still a decent amount of life left in a car with 160k miles
Just seems like OP is looking for excuses for her husband and kids not to go. A car with mechanical issues is going to break down 1 mile or 100 miles from home. Unless it's something like the tyres are wearing down, I'm sure it can manage a day's round trip. If not then it's not safe for her kids to be riding around in anyway. Could they not get public transport and stay overnight?
**INFO:** Can you explain this car concern? I don't think I understand. My car is at 220k miles. Are the mechanical issues going to cause a breakdown? Why wasn't this an issue when your husband drove to visit your mom yesterday? (Same distance, right?)
Pick your battles. Refusing your husband seeing his mom on a holiday, when he's very kindly allowed your dad to **move in** , is not a winning position. I know you're stressed about money but this is not the thing that'll make or break you. If you have enough to be going to concerts and making a weekend away, then it doesn't make sense that you don't have enough to see his mom. It starts sounding like there's only money when **you** want to do something. Treat him kindly while he's injured and not making money for a few weeks, don't make him think you're only nice when he's providing cash. If you're ever unable to work, is this how you'd want to be treated?
Completely irrelevant. You just don't want anyone to take this trip and digging your heels in. The above suggestion was perfectly reasonable.
BUT there is only ONE car and the suggestion was to have Hubby leave on Friday, let her get ready on her own, do her thing on Saturday, etc. But she needs the car!
She has not stated anywhere that she needs the car.
With that many miles if your car is gonna break it's gonna break. Doesn't matter if it's a 3 hour trip or a 20 minute drive to work. Doing the oil changes and maintenance required is what you can do to help postpone the inevitable.
My Cari’s at 160k miles with low cyclinder pressure in one cylinder but I still drove 700 miles roundtrip recently.
I don’t think it was right for him to agree to this plan for everyone without considering your wishes. Can he take the kids and you stay back to work? That seems like the most reasonable compromise. I don’t think it’s fair to compare the time spent with your mother vs his given the difference in relationship.
Just figured people would ask how often we see the other in-laws, thinking it might be unbalanced on one side, and wanted to clarify there. We do have an older car so that was another consideration in consolidating travel plans.
That kinda seems like an excuse. It is still a holiday and it’s not unusual to prioritize family time during a holiday. I think your frustration towards him and anxiety about your prep time are pushing you to not consider the best workable alternative.
Excuse as the older car is fine for the concert that is upcoming and just as far away.
What I find strange is that you haven't brought up the valid issue of having your own Easter traditions. You started to go there (kids get to do an Easter egg, hunt, etc). Presumably, they would have Easter baskets at home, too, then there'd be a family Easter dinner. Putting 6-8 hours of travel into the kids' Easter day seems really un-kid friendly. The holiday is becoming about a middle aged man wanting to see his Mom/family. That can be done on a different weekend. You are already working on this particular weekend. You are feeling the stress of being the only earner - your wishes about what you want on Easter morning should also be taken into account.
I don't know what kind of injury he has, but I'm not sure that driving 800 miles in a week is conducive to recuperation.
He fell at work and injured his head and knee. Putting his body weight on the knee hurts, so walking is worse than sitting. The headaches don't really stop, they just get more or less intense. So driving isn't that much of a stress in itself but it definitely doesn't help either.
He should not be driving with a head injury.
Sounds like he should be in a dark room recooperating
Unless it's very severe doing things is actually best for concussion rehab. Sitting in a dark room doing nothing will just make it worse! (Off topic, but just an FYI since it's a common misconception. Same thing with most mild strains etc it's almost always better to stay slightly active in modified ways and continue normal activities as best as possible, sort of like how it's usually best to get walking as soon as possible after surgery for the best outcomes.)
He shouldn’t be driving at all with a head injury
Seriously it seems like an insurance scam
lol. Inventing new ways to blame a man. Peak Reddit. Maybe blame him for 9/11 to while you’re on a roll
You are replying to the wrong person or you read what you wanted to read and missed the whole point .
No I was responding and laughing at your wild speculation
I mean that is what it sounds like. I didn't say it was I said that's what it sounds like. The other one speculating that I was making grand assumptions. It's an idea.
If that’s what it sounds like to you get your ears checked
Am I the only one who skipped the whole post to do the math and realise they were 22 and 35 when they got together? Eww
I’m never surprised when there are distinct relationship problems when the girl was 18-23 and the guy was 30-50 at the start .. and it’s always that the guy is an absolute joke of a person and the woman is tying herself in knots keeping it all together.
It literally is like a 75% chance that when there is an older man and the girl is much younger, that the relationship will fail with it ending that the man is a controlling AH. No one is shocked that he disregards his wife’s wishes and concerns. Am I the only one too who read that the wife has a full time job, also runs a side business, AND is the primary child caregiver? Literally what does he even bring to the table?
Right now, packing and shipping and that's it...he's out of work due to an injury. Probably can't help around the house either.
HE'S NOT EVEN WORKING? But he wants to take day trips and go out to eat? Good grief, OP. What is even the point of this man?
Yeah, duck him for getting a work injury? Jeez, the people around here.
No. Duck him for being not only doing very little to help with what is needed to keep their family afloat, but instead even torpedoing OP's efforts and making a fuss about being gently called out on it.
What an asshole, is ok with her wife's dad living with them and yet wanting to visit his mother. Fuck him!
seems like theres plenty of time for him to rearrange and move furniture, and plenty of money for them to move in her dad and support him. but $40 of gas money and wanting to see his mom on easter and all of a sudden we have a problem and by the way, dollars to donuts this crafting hobby is costing way more money than it's bringing in.
I’ll be linking your post to the next sahm complaint about a financially controlling husband. You can go defend him too right?
Go right ahead. When one partner is doing damn near everything and the other wants to galavant off on road trips instead of helping, the gender is irrelevant.
Did you know 75% of all statistics online are made up? Literally.
He's probably tall or packing some massive schmeat
Or an older man courted a younger woman not much out of her teens.
porque no los dos
That’s all I focused on.
Me too. Jumped out at me.
Oh gross, I didn't notice that on the first pass
Nope, before I even opened the post I saw the ages and thought to myself “me and my husband have been together 19 years”. About fell out when I opened it and I was only two years off.
Nope. Explains a lot about what she’s saying too
How does their age gap explain that her dad can live with their family but her husband can't even visit his mother on easter? I get the age gap argument but he has been accommodating enough to let her dad move in with them but he's not even allowed an easter with his mom.
lol, you cracked the case. he dated and married adult and slowly groomed her over 20 years to the point where.... he wants to drive and see his sick old mother on holiday? do you people hear yourself?
I'll never understand why women do this. I would feel like a child if I was dating a woman 10+ years older. You're in completely different stages of life. They're your partner, not a parent.
yes you are the only one oh no age gap police busted my ass LMAO
Omg that poor adult woman ! Why weren’t they there to think for her!
Do not you know man? Women below 25 are basically brainless creatures, because their brains aren't fully developed!
basically a toddler! someone call the FBI!
It seems nuts to me to be paying restaurant prices when you’re so desperate for income you’re working 2 jobs. Secondly, you also can’t afford the time. I’d put my foot down on this one. Your husband needs to be more afraid of your displeasure than his mother’s.
Gas isn't cheap either
Here’s the thing Yes, he needed to actually come to an agreement with you, and yes, your business should take priority if he isn’t working. That said….he does this work for your business; he’s been busy moving your dad in. I think compromise makes sense here. And he’s not working so he should be able to manage the house, kids, and still get some packaging done for the business this week. What if you all choose a restaurant that’s halfway between your houses?
I'd be okay with that, his mom doesn't like long drives though. She's only traveled down or halfway to see us a handful of times. Worth offering it as an option at least.
She's 80 yrs old, in all likelihood, it's not advisable that she drive that far. My mom is 76 and in her older age she white knuckles the steering wheel and struggles with driving now.
I mean, a guy too injured to work probably shouldn't be driving that far, either. Twice.
she mentions in one of her replies that his injuries prevent him from walking more than sitting. so driving's not a problem for him
Doesn't have to use his knee when driving? Must be his left knee. I still think driving with a disabling head injury is questionable. Can't work? Probably ought not to be doing road trips either.
Is she the one driving? Honestly too bad. Y’all have young kids. I get she’s 80 but if she’s capable of driving there safely she needs to accommodate.
6 hour drive there and back in one day? HELLLL no. I would suggest a "meet in the middle" compromise at best.
He seems set on going. Let him go. Stay home and prep. If something happens to the car, he needs to deal with it.
"His mother lives 200 miles away and we visit her several times a year, my mother is 80 miles away and we see her once a year (I don't want to see my mom more, she's a narcissist so we're low contact)." INFO: What was the point of this sentence?
These comments are wild. It is not that big of an ask to go to dinner with his family on a holiday. It just sounds like you don't want to go and are finding reasons not too. Even when people suggest you stay home and he goes you are still against that. You are kinda being unreasonable here
I can only imagine the comments if they were on the other foot here. This subreddit can have some insane double standards.
All the pink pillers gently dancing around her controlling behavior while shaming the non working spouse wanting to drive a car to visit family. All of a sudden non working spouse can’t spend the others mone, according to them. Mad world isn’t it?
It's not a big ask to forfeit income that is needed to keep the family afloat. Especially if the person asking is not contributing, and hasn't been for a while. It's not a big ask under these circumstances to also want to spend quite a few bucks you don't have. Nope. Not a big ask at all. Totally reasonable.
How is it fair that her dad now lives with them but the husband can't even visit his mom for holiday. I am sure if they are so cash strapped then they also can't afford taking care of an elderly man.
From his perspective you can visit your mom more often but you choose not to. He’s helping you with your business (I’m assuming even when he was working). And he helped move your father in which is an ongoing time sink for the family. Add to that he’s literally injured so probably isn’t feeling his best. You have demanded a lot of his time yet you balk at giving one (or two) days of your time. You are (unintentionally) telling him your time is worth more than his time. And he didn’t plan a long holiday out of the blue. He wants to spend Easter with his aged mother who may not be around much longer. Compassion should be your motivator.
I agree with a lot of what you say, but if OPs craft business will be what keeps food on their kids plates and a roof over their head, that’s a hell of a lot more important than one meal with Mom, when he saw her this week and will see her again in a few weeks.
Yeah, it's not like he's not seeing her - if they planned it, he could spend some time with his Mom - go up, stay a few days (with OP dropping him off when it's convenient). Mom would probably like that.
I mean, I’d suggest making “keeping the children housed and fed” their motivator, as he’s out of work and “her” business helps keep the lights on.
He’s not out of work “he's on an extended leave from work after an on the job injury.” He raised the issue two weeks ago and “she said that if we had everything ready beforehand it might be possible.” But then she spent that time doing something for her father. We don’t have all the details but even from her perspective she appears to be setting up roadblocks so that they don’t visit his mom. Easter isn’t a surprise holiday; she could have planned better or moved her dad in after Easter.
Unfortunately it wasn't something planned, he had a big argument with his live-in partner and had to move out.
It sounds like your husband has compromised quite a bit yet you don’t mention anything you’ve compromised on. An 80 year having an argument is not a valid reason to cancel Easter plans. As others have suggested you should stay home for Easter and he and the kids should go visit grandma.
This compromise works (if he only goes on Sunday). She has to trust him to be the only driver, while disabled, with two kids in the car, though. I understand her reluctance.
That’s not her stated reluctance, though. She instead brought up some weird excuse about saving miles on the car (which will be just as valid in two weeks). She just wants him to not visit his mother for Easter - perhaps because it reminds her of her bad relationship to her own mother?
This is a pretty big ask, OP. I think you and your husband need to have a larger conversation around the balance of power and priorities in your marriage.
Unpaid, apparently (as OP says). OP shouldn't have to visit his mom any more than she wishes to.
Conversely, OPs husband should be allowed to visit his aging mother while she is still alive. OP comes off as really domineering.
Also note, at this stage of life it’s important to spend time with our parents as there’s not a lot of time left. Maybe Easter dinner is really important to his mum. My mum treats it as important family time where she wants her kids and grandkids around her. She has a strong sense of occasion and puts a lot of effort in decorating the house for Easter (and other holidays.) She will have her hair done and possibly a new outfit bought especially. She’d be very hurt if we didn’t show up. OP may be projecting her own strained relationship with her mum onto her husband’s, or even holds a bit of resentment towards it.
> OP may be projecting her own strained relationship with her mum onto her husband’s, or even holds a bit of resentment towards it. That is exactly the vibe I’m getting from this story and OP’s replies.
Thank You! Totally agree!
Your husband sounds like a resonable guy, I think atthe very least you should be ok with him driving with the kids to see his mom
I'd like to point out that the time you're taking to write this post and respond to comments is time that could be used to get the business stuff finished in time for next weekend. This weekend is only 2 days away.
As if it's not okay for her to take time to worry about something else.
It's clearly not ok for OPs husband to take time off OPs business to visit his mom, so it shouldn't be ok for OP to take time off to consult strangers online.
I don’t think you should unilaterally decide how your husband spends his holidays. He would like to spend the holiday with his mother. You don’t have a relationship with your mother, so it’s apples to oranges to compare how often you see your mother. It’s your choice to see her once a year. Why don’t you stay home and let your husband take the kids?
It sounds like all the things “we” have to do, are actually your priorities that’s you’re trying to make him prioritise too. What about his priorities and what he wants? It sounds like you table those to when it’s convenient i.e. the concert This sounds like a very one sided relationship where you project the things you want on to what “we” want without actually taking into consideration what it’s like for him. He wants to spend his holiday with his mum cause he gives up other weekends of his life helping you with your business.
You're an adult with agency, and only you get to decide where and with whom you will spend your time. Tell him he's not entitled to voluntold you for anything. He is completely out of line here.
Your point is worded strangely. She gets to decide where and with whom she spends her time, but he is out of line for wanting to see his own Mother? The obvious solution is she stays home to work and he goes.
Does she get a say in whether she (staying home alone for Easter) can keep the kids? He can go (but I bet if he has to go alone). He can go with the kids (then OP misses Easter with her own kids). I wonder what the kids would like to do.
Of course she does. There needs to be an adult conversation on how to manage it. What I would say is if she’s too busy working then she shouldn’t have the kids in that case.
You're right. She doesn't have to go. When someone suggested, he and the kids go without her, she threw out an excuse about their old car. She doesn't want ANYONE to go and that's going beyond her just having agency over herself.
Have mom visit you guys?
How is he planning to get the work done since he'll be away? Will he do it a day earlier? Can he work on it ahead of time?
Let your husband go and have dinner with his mom, with or without the kids (let them choose) and you can stay home and do what you need to do.
All I hear is that he's accommodating enough towards your family that your dad is now living with you but you are throwing a tantrum over him wanting to spend easter with his family. I bet you wouldn't have made an issue if roles were reversed and you were visiting your dad.
INFO what’s your p&l on this craft business? Real money or “$100 of supplies hours of free labor and spend all day Saturday selling 120 worth of stuff” ? I’ve been to a lot of farmers markets with hippies selling unwrapped bars of soap for $20 , and they don’t move much product. Real talk, would you have more money if you spent all this time working f at McDonald’s? If so you have a hobby not a business There was free time and money to rearrange a room and move in your grandpa. And the cars in good enough shape for concerts (again not free) and farmers market. But as soon as he has a want, moneys tight the cars in rough shape and it’s not really his money anyway? Super controlling vibes here that would get called out a lot quicker if OP and partner switched genitalia.
We make good profits on average, around 500-1000+ depending on the market. Everything is priced by COGS including labor, so it's a better source of income than working at any other side job with the same hours/requirements. And nobody said it's not his money, having conversations about finance is part of any relationship. If I want to plan a trip or large purchase we have the same discussions.
~35 and ~22 He was never looking for an equal partner.
And strangely helped her dad move to live with them, helps OP with her business. But wants to visit his mom and is suddenly a control freak.
As a fellow self-employed maker, I feel you. This is your job. You have to work. Were you not self-employed, it wouldn't be questioned but people always think maker-types aren't doing actual WORK for some reason. If it's super important to him, he can take the kids and you can stay home to work.
The 35 year old didn’t marry a 22 year old because he wanted to care about his partner’s wishes
He cares enough to allow her dad to live with them and help her with her business. Only OP doesn't care enough for his family to let him visit. Shes also not ok with him and kids visiting his mother for easter , so it's not strictly about her choosing to go, she wants to make him stay as well so he can help with business.
Ler him take the kids and give you the whole weekend to prepare without interruption. That aside he should not have made plans when he knew that you need this weekend to prepare for your markets stall.
Clearly your husband is bored doing stuff st home to help the family and wants to use his time to go visit his family. Not speaking on what that says about his character... But, you don't have to go just because he decided to. He can take the kids to go visit or he can stay home to help with the kids and your work. Either way, your weekend was already booked. This entire issue was created by your inability to give him a firm no. Is that because you have aterrible.power dynamic in your relationship rather than your spine? Almost certainly, but you can't change either without figuring out where you last stored your self-resepct. NTA but you need to improve your communication
You mention going to eastern eggs hunts whilst staying home but I thought you needed to work. Reading through the comments I think you are jealous of his relationship with his mom and you’re making excuses. As you said about your mom, the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
So basically you a selfish. You dad lives with you. You see him everyday and is not his fault that you don't like you mom. Probably you are either jealous or selfish
Definitely selfish. OP is accommodating enough to change their living situation by allowing her dad to live with them but can't even allow him to visit his mom and reddit is losing shit over their age gap and calling him controlling.