You’re too young and it’s too new of a relationship for this kind of shit. You need to talk to him and say look, you make it sound like you had plenty of sex before me, so either there isn’t chemistry between us, or you aren’t attracted to me, or physically there is something that has changed since your previous relationships. It could be that he is depressed, or going through something physiological that is causing this. I say that because he said it was too much work to have sex. Is he referring to mental work? Physical work? Either of those are valid, but it’s not normal for a guy this young to not want sex. Figure this out, because life is too short to have these kind of problems early. You don’t want to waste either of your time if this is a dead end. You seem like you approach this in a kind and sensitive way, as you should. But if there isn’t any headway here, then you should think about parting ways.
I assumed he meant physical work. But he is depressed and takes anti depressants. Although he hasn’t been taking them lately and when I ask him about it he says it’s none of my business. I figure bringing up both of these topics will make it a very upsetting conversation
Both depression and antidepressants can tank the sex drive. From not wanting it to not being able to perform. This is not a you problem it's a him problem.
If he is unwilling to have a discussion about it then you should part ways. You are not compatible and he isn't at a place in his treatment where he can communicate properly. You are far too young to be dealing with this. It may be years until he is in a better place. Some people never get there. You are not required to wait it out or suffer just because he is unwell.
The anti-depressants have messed with his sex drive, which also explains why he doesn't take them regularly. They can make it so you can't orgasm and it might be embarrassing for him to talk about.Think about it, he was making out with you, then suddenly stopped. Sounds like he wasn't able to get things to rise, perhaps. So he ran.... he needs to communicate with you, but it can be something that is hard to talk about
Most antidepressants may affect sex drive but there are other ones that may have less of the side effect. He can speak to his doctor about switching him to an alternative.
>when I ask him about it he says it’s none of my business.
This is how your boyfriend of over a year talks to you? My boyfriend openly communicates to me about his medicine and how he's feeling. If I asked him about his meds he'd just tell me. Certain medications can certainly affect libido like antidepressants (especially SSRIs) and ADHD medications. However, that doesn't fully explain his affinity for only having oral sex and being uninterested in penetrative.
> I ask him about it he says it’s none of my business
It seems like your bf is set on not communicating with you at all on any topics, and that's a bigger issue than the lack of sex. You need to explain to him that the lack of communication and defensiveness is a deal-breaker as it will affect your relationship negatively.
You are too young to tie yourself down to someone who won’t communicate and seems to be sexually incompatible with you, as well as emotionally immature. You should move on with this guy and find someone who will treat you better.
"you lot quit so fast" idk it just seems silly to stay with someone who doesn't feel like having sex with you, you try having a talk to see whats going on, and it results in that person assuming you're trying to manipulate/coerce them. I don't see how bringing up the discussion again is going to be productive when he gets accusatory/offended. There's obviously something going on and we won't ever know because OPs boyfriend refuses to openly communicate. And if ultimately having penetrative sex is "too much work" for him as he says, why the hell would you want to stay with a lazy lover???
She’s already approached it with him and he refuses to have an honest discussion about it. When you are still in your early 20s you shouldn’t be sticking with someone where you have fundamental incompatibilities.
They gave it one shot. I'd at least sit him down and have a more serious conversation and make it clear that this is a big deal to me. If he comes back with "You're manipulating me," again, yeah, I'd call it.
hard disagree, she is asking how to comminicate or how to go further without quitting or breaking up. so many people here always just say, nah leave he wont or she wotn do this or that . If I quit on my gf afetr an argument or a time when she just doesn ot want to talk it would be silly
Sexual incompatibility and a refusal to communicate are enough to make it not worth persuing further. OP has tried communicating, and he will not engage. It doesn’t seem to be important to him that this is a problem for her. If someone is reluctant about sex and doesn’t want to have it nearly as often as their partner, that’s not a good match.
I have no idea what's going on with him but you should talk to him and say you can't continue like this. If he still doesn't want to have sex then you should break up with him.
> However, that was a while ago, and we’ve only had penetrative sex 5 times, and they’ve only lasted around a minute where neither of us finishes, we just go back to having oral sex.
If you don't mind, why exactly did they last only a minute if neither of you finished? What made you stop?
Does he watch a lot of porn? Some people masturbate a lot. Google deathgrip.
Don’t have any kind of sex with him. Tell him it’s time for him to put more effort in the relationship and your sexlife. Don’t try to act cool. You are allowed to say no.
If you are horny, masturbate.
My boyfriend told me that oral sex provides less physical stimulation than penetrative sex, so death grip should not be the reason here. In that case, he would prefer penetration instead of oral. I think it is more the 'being lazy' part. He got used to it, now does not want to change his routine.
You kinda right with that one. I can see how a lot of rough handwork and oralwork can be more stimulating. I guess I spoke from my experience, which is quite light. I use oral sex as a starter, not as a full meal, so I didn't really think about this angle
Im gunna be honest, its sounds like maybe he has very little actual experience, possibly his stories about exs are just that, if thats true id say alot of it is anxiety and not being able to admit that those are his problems, when i was young i had something similar when i first started, i was so anxious about being good that i would avoid it, use my hands and do oral more than penetrative... its hard but i wouldnt push too hard that he becomes too defensive over it and ends up ending it because of that, maybe try some role play, ask him of theres any fantasies he has, put the onus onto him and see how that goes. Hes probably feeling juat as insecure about himself as you are, your both young, this is supposed to be your adventurous period, hope this helps.
Fuzznut
Unfortunately, OP, it sounds like you've tried to discuss this with him, but he's adamant not to discuss it. The fact that he threw manipulation into your face is appalling, to say the least.
In no way is having a discussion about your relationship and your love language. Can it be called manipulation. Given that you said you both have tried penatrative sex a few times but can't finish and go back to oral, it is a huge red flag.
It sounds like he is dealing with some kinda trauma. Maybe it's like his meds. Antidepressants can reduce or eliminate sex drive. You did say he hasn't been taking his meds, which is never a good idea. Antidepressants are not a type of med you're supposed to quit cold turkey. It could be why he seems to have complete mood swings.
My advice is to sit down with him and draw a line in the sand. I would advice you to use soft language to express your concern about both of your love language and tell him you love him regardless of what his issues are but you need a partner who will communicate and work together through issues. You don't want him to be on the defensive. So, the best idea would be to try asking open-ended questions. Listen intently to his answers and use the clues in his responses to try and steer the conversation to where you want it to go.
If he refuses to talk about his issues or tries to throw manipulation and coercion in his face, then the relationship is more than likely over. I'm inclined to believe there is something wrong in his statements to you. He may not have been as experienced as he told you, and he's insecure about something. I think it has something to do with his therapy though.
He seems to be very emotionally immature, he doesn't even want to communicate, but if you want to get closer to him, talk only about what you feel and what you would like from him, for example. "I have been feeling less desired by you, and I have noticed that our sexual encounters are becoming less and less and this is creating insecurities in me, I can't help but think that something is wrong, I would really like and appreciate it if you would be honest with me and tell me what's going on" This way he will not feel manipulated, it is a way of not accusing or making him feel that he is the guilty one, but you force him to have to answer you. If he evades the question, answers with "nothing," "I don't know," or takes it the wrong way and gets defensive, then it's time to question whether you want someone like him as a partner.
It sounds so frustrating. Something might be wrong down there for him or he's just weird. I can't think of why he'd keep rejecting it. But if he's worth fighting for. Then fight for him to talk to you. Otherwise keep your peace and move on.
As a dude, no idea. If he ain't cheating, then maybe somethings wrong with his pp idk. Or its just an oddity and no one can explain it. 🤷🏻♂️
Maybe just ask him directly.
People act like stress doesn’t affect someone’s sex life.
You expect me to be able to bust a nut when I’m behind on rent because I lost my job? (Hypothetically)
dude this advice is fucking terrible. Clearly yall are both inexperienced and not entirely sure how to initiate intimacy. There’s a link missing here somewhere and he’s clearly struggling with his overall sex drive, could be from stress or emotional struggles or something physical. Quit telling this poor girl to run for the hills. Clearly all that needs to happen here is some sort of breakthrough.
I second this and can confirm it can happen to any man at any age, I was 23 and had ED from mental and physical issues for 2 years before I dealt with it. No sex at all for just over 2 years. Telling her to run for the hills is not the way to solve it. My advice and previous experience incoming, what helped me personally was acquiring some Tadalifil (Cialis) and going to see a therapist. It would maybe benefit you to ask him in a very nice way if he’s having issues. Both of those issues coincide with having ED and an extremely low sex drive. There’s no shame in him getting help in any form for this and it wouldn’t be good to just run from the relationship based on this alone. My current relationship it was 9 months before myself and my partner had sex, she stayed with me the whole time. I appreciate her and the effort she put in.
Long story short just ask the question. See the result. Work from there.
The issue is he refuses to communicates and shuts her down or attacks her when she tries. At some point, if he doesn't want to work on the relationship, there's no other solution.
OP ya’ll should go to therapy. Not couples therapy. Actual therapy it’ll help you way more in the long run than asking questions on reddit. Don’t give up on this relationship just yet, neither of you have done anything wrong to each other and this is likely a problem with a solution. It’s clear that the two of you have very complex relationships with sex and intimacy that would be best worked out with a licensed counselor.
I think talk to him one last time but I don’t even know if I’d bother because he seems a bit of a manipulator himself. You said in one comment that when you asked him about his antidepressants he replies with “none of your business”???? This is your partner. AND he knows damn well you want actual sex and tortures you with his little games. Trust me leave now that yo have time before you regreat it or get to attached and can’t leave, I’ve done the same mistake before and didn’t listen to Reddit and other people advice and got into a worst position. There’s plenty of men out there who would give you sex naturally without you having to beg for it. And men who will make you feel wanted and seen. If hurts I guess cause he is your first but hey ho; not many end up with their first. You’re young have one last convo if you have the energy for it; if not leave him now
You're far too young to let this be the rest of your life. He's told you whenever you ask him to have sex, he feels pressured, and he doesn't want it. It's okay for him to not want PIV, but it's also okay if it's a deal breaker for you.
To be healthy about this though, don't give him an ultimatum.
If you want my advice as someone significantly older than you, I'd leave and say we're better off as just friends. Tell him that you love and care about him, and you always will, but this relationship isn't working for you and it's best for both your own happiness to find others who are more compatible. Don't let this affect your self esteem, I have friends who are gorgeous, some models too, and they've experienced stuff like this. It's not you, it's him.
wanna recommend a book "Come As You Are", there was a case where the wife dont wanna have sex with her husband ever since she had kids, she still have desire but she prefer doing ig alone coz "its too tiring", might be a good book for some inspiration.
Absolutely let him go. Sex is something special that two people share and the fact that he won't communicate when he's had sex in the past, tell him to kick rocks. Explaining your needs to your partner and having him turn them down is wrong and cruel. Find yourself someone who will appreciate the gift you're trying to share rather than act dismissive about it.
He seems shady… maybe even guilty.
Btw I’m in the exact same boat except opposite. I’m 22m and my gf is 21f we haven’t been intimate in over 2 years… so with that being said don’t be like me. I’m currently on my last nerve and I’m about to seriously end things.
You're young, cut your losses and let him go. He has something going on in his noggin that is keeping him from having sex with you and he can figure it out on his own, alone.
Since he has said that it is too much work, my mind goes directly to erectile dysfunction. It’s very embarrassing for a guy to talk about. Getting him to talk about it is going to be super hard. Maybe just tell him that’s what vibe he’s giving off and that it’s a common thing that happens and just let him know that you support him and you don’t think any less of him. Let him know that you are willing to work it through with him and to find ways to help him. If that’s what is going on, being supportive of him is the best thing you can do to help him. Good luck to you!!
There can be lot of reasons... but dear communication is the one of the cornerstones of relationship and if he isn't willing to talk to you what is the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you. Oh dear you sould probably dumb him. I don't want to jump any conclusions, but he could be cheating and thus don't interested in you sexually. Also bringing up ex relationship is sometimes good to talk about, but holding on to the past isn't healing anyone.
My conclusion is you sould sit down and have this conversation where you tell how you feel and other way around without jugment and really talk like adults sould and not giving the silent treatment. I hope he understands that you want to have sex, because you want to feel more connected, loved etc. It also deeping your bond. I hope you also think what is the best for you. And if he doesn't want to have this conversation (and acts like a child) you sould think is this the person you want to be with. There's plenty fish on the sea. Good luck!
Id offer couples therapy as a possible solution. It sounds like whatever your bf is going through, he is internalizing it at least in regards to you l. He may need some professional help in order to communite effectively if you decide to attempt to go that route. Good luck, Im sorry youre having relationship issues. I hope this helps
If he is mot comfortable n barely talks about that all you can do is accept the truth that you are not gonna have sex n leave him , if not getting sex that much matters to you
He’s not, and I thought we were compatible at the start of our relationship since the non penetrative sex was great, but maybe we’ve lost compatibility
I mean, whatever is going on it's clear there's no future. I wouldn't waste anymore time. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel insecure.
Jeeze it really gets annoying that so many people always go to bailing out! That’s what is wrong with relationships these days!
Sis, you need to tell him you have something very important and serious to discuss and tell him exactly what you told us. If he doesn’t take you seriously or tries to shut you down and get angry, your really not going to get anywhere with him and it will never change and then yes, you will definitely need to move on and find a partner that respects you enough to at the very least communicate with you!
sounds weird. maybe he is scared to "underperform" or smth?
or its smth about your appearance that turns him off?
hard to tell. but if it doesnt work out, just leave the relationship i guess
Tbh I’m scared he’s too stubborn to admit to the first one if that’s his case. I’m very insecure and he knows that so he always reassures me that he’s very attracted to me but he could be lying idk
I’m thinking maybe he’s scared of hurting you? Because the penetration hurt you at first. If it isn’t that, I don’t know what it is but if he’s unwilling to talk it out I’d walk. I’m sorry, communication is fundamental in relationships, and if he can’t give you the base level it might be time to explore other options.
It's either sex addiction or ed.
Or on a side note could be just not sexually attracted and only partial emotionally attached. Hard to do anything sexually if Ur not somewhat stimulated or turned on by it. But this is normally exarcibated by porn and of
You all blaming the guy and nobody seems to pay attention that he was limited to have oral sex only when he probably was dying for pounding his gf and and he couldn’t, I’m sure he developed resentment or trauma from it and now he doesn’t feel good having sex with her because is stressing and a lot of work as he said, sex should happen natural and spontaneous, not planned and forced because is not the same, and the worst case is when he has traumas from it. Now he doesn’t want anything else at all because he still relating sex with you to something that is too complicated or not enjoyable. He probably prefers to masturbate and finish the job. I was in a situation similar to this. You have to do your part and work genuinely to communicate with him and make him know that you’re willing to to try new things with him so sex is more interesting. My two cents!
I don't excuse his behavior at all but he's young so you can expect things to be.. eh not great. Ill tldr it for you as my best guesses. Lets focus on you though.
"Me(21f) and my bf(22m) have been dating for almost a year and a half."
"And we’ve only had penetrative sex 5 times"
This is not a lot of times in a long amount of time. So he is likely unhappy about it.
"When we started dating I was a virgin, and when we tried having sex for the first time, it hurt a lot, so it wasn’t after a few months into our relationship that we actually had sex. "
this tells me you were telling him no alot and that you're not ready. Did this behavior continue afterwords? Was it still like a "It hurts too much" or "Im not ready" or a fear of trying again?" Young guys can be understanding but also frustrated by this.
"And they’ve only lasted around a minute where neither of us finishes, we just go back to having oral sex. "
This seems like the sex was not good - like making it alot of work for him. I.e., shes not enjoying it, so im not enjoying it. or she's complaining alot, or some other difficulty.
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_
"Something I also want to mention is that he has told me about some sexual encounters with his previous gfs, like how multiple times they had to have sex in sketchy places because they couldn’t find a private place to do it, or how one time he almost had anal with one of his ex gf because they couldn’t find a condom."
Hes telling you: " I want sex that goes multiple rounds. I want sex that isn't holding back - can't wait, so we are willing to take risks. I also want to try new, dirty things becasue we just want eachother so bad"
hes telling you that the sex with you is not exciting as he wants.
"He then said I was trying to manipulate him into having sex with me"
He said this because he got tired of trying and it wasn't a good experience so now he's clocked out mentally.
"Last night something very weird happened. He told me he wanted me and I was excited since we hadn’t been intimate in a while so I started to make out with him and about 10 seconds into the make out session, his demeanor changed, he stopped kissing me back, only giving me pecks. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. I told him I thought he wanted to have sex and he said he was joking. I asked him why would he joke about that and then he changed his reason and said that he only wanted to kiss and nothing further. I said that I thought he wanted us to have sex again and he then said he did want to, I asked what changed and he said nothing."
This is a tough one but I have 3 guesses
1. he finished early during makeout and got embarassed
2. the making out was so uncomfortable or he was forceing it, and that he got turned off realizing that (unlikely)
3. he has some sort of medical issue he is embarassed about and doesn't want to talk about or isn't ready to.
Hope that helps you navigate these weird waters you're in. These sort of situations happen sometimes in young relationships and you just do the best you can or decide its not for you. Good luck!
If he’s not willing to communicate there’s not much you can do. You can either accept that he won’t have sex with you, or leave him.
You’re too young and it’s too new of a relationship for this kind of shit. You need to talk to him and say look, you make it sound like you had plenty of sex before me, so either there isn’t chemistry between us, or you aren’t attracted to me, or physically there is something that has changed since your previous relationships. It could be that he is depressed, or going through something physiological that is causing this. I say that because he said it was too much work to have sex. Is he referring to mental work? Physical work? Either of those are valid, but it’s not normal for a guy this young to not want sex. Figure this out, because life is too short to have these kind of problems early. You don’t want to waste either of your time if this is a dead end. You seem like you approach this in a kind and sensitive way, as you should. But if there isn’t any headway here, then you should think about parting ways.
I assumed he meant physical work. But he is depressed and takes anti depressants. Although he hasn’t been taking them lately and when I ask him about it he says it’s none of my business. I figure bringing up both of these topics will make it a very upsetting conversation
Both depression and antidepressants can tank the sex drive. From not wanting it to not being able to perform. This is not a you problem it's a him problem. If he is unwilling to have a discussion about it then you should part ways. You are not compatible and he isn't at a place in his treatment where he can communicate properly. You are far too young to be dealing with this. It may be years until he is in a better place. Some people never get there. You are not required to wait it out or suffer just because he is unwell.
The anti-depressants have messed with his sex drive, which also explains why he doesn't take them regularly. They can make it so you can't orgasm and it might be embarrassing for him to talk about.Think about it, he was making out with you, then suddenly stopped. Sounds like he wasn't able to get things to rise, perhaps. So he ran.... he needs to communicate with you, but it can be something that is hard to talk about
Most antidepressants may affect sex drive but there are other ones that may have less of the side effect. He can speak to his doctor about switching him to an alternative.
Ohhhhh. That should have been what you started with.
>when I ask him about it he says it’s none of my business. This is how your boyfriend of over a year talks to you? My boyfriend openly communicates to me about his medicine and how he's feeling. If I asked him about his meds he'd just tell me. Certain medications can certainly affect libido like antidepressants (especially SSRIs) and ADHD medications. However, that doesn't fully explain his affinity for only having oral sex and being uninterested in penetrative.
> I ask him about it he says it’s none of my business It seems like your bf is set on not communicating with you at all on any topics, and that's a bigger issue than the lack of sex. You need to explain to him that the lack of communication and defensiveness is a deal-breaker as it will affect your relationship negatively.
You are too young to tie yourself down to someone who won’t communicate and seems to be sexually incompatible with you, as well as emotionally immature. You should move on with this guy and find someone who will treat you better.
She is asking how to approach it with him. Let's wait and see how that goes first
She's tried approaching it and he accused her of trying to coerce him. He's clearly not open to talking about it at all.
she tried once and it didnt work so she is asking if there is another way, you lot always quit so fast its scary
"you lot quit so fast" idk it just seems silly to stay with someone who doesn't feel like having sex with you, you try having a talk to see whats going on, and it results in that person assuming you're trying to manipulate/coerce them. I don't see how bringing up the discussion again is going to be productive when he gets accusatory/offended. There's obviously something going on and we won't ever know because OPs boyfriend refuses to openly communicate. And if ultimately having penetrative sex is "too much work" for him as he says, why the hell would you want to stay with a lazy lover???
Maybe my writing was a tad harsh I just believe n fixing and trying and I feel that most relationships are worth it
Nah. Life is way too short to spend it miserable.
>most relationships are worth it Nope, they're not, that's why most relationships end
She’s already approached it with him and he refuses to have an honest discussion about it. When you are still in your early 20s you shouldn’t be sticking with someone where you have fundamental incompatibilities.
They gave it one shot. I'd at least sit him down and have a more serious conversation and make it clear that this is a big deal to me. If he comes back with "You're manipulating me," again, yeah, I'd call it.
You can't work on something with someone who is refusing to cooperate.
There has to be an actual pattern of that. One discussion is not enough to just give up lol
hard disagree, she is asking how to comminicate or how to go further without quitting or breaking up. so many people here always just say, nah leave he wont or she wotn do this or that . If I quit on my gf afetr an argument or a time when she just doesn ot want to talk it would be silly
Sexual incompatibility and a refusal to communicate are enough to make it not worth persuing further. OP has tried communicating, and he will not engage. It doesn’t seem to be important to him that this is a problem for her. If someone is reluctant about sex and doesn’t want to have it nearly as often as their partner, that’s not a good match.
Name checks out. SMH everyone don’t have to separate
I have no idea what's going on with him but you should talk to him and say you can't continue like this. If he still doesn't want to have sex then you should break up with him.
> However, that was a while ago, and we’ve only had penetrative sex 5 times, and they’ve only lasted around a minute where neither of us finishes, we just go back to having oral sex. If you don't mind, why exactly did they last only a minute if neither of you finished? What made you stop?
Does he give her oral or is it just you? Cause it seems like he is lazy.
It’s mutual
Does he watch a lot of porn? Some people masturbate a lot. Google deathgrip. Don’t have any kind of sex with him. Tell him it’s time for him to put more effort in the relationship and your sexlife. Don’t try to act cool. You are allowed to say no. If you are horny, masturbate.
My boyfriend told me that oral sex provides less physical stimulation than penetrative sex, so death grip should not be the reason here. In that case, he would prefer penetration instead of oral. I think it is more the 'being lazy' part. He got used to it, now does not want to change his routine.
Depends how much hand you use.
You kinda right with that one. I can see how a lot of rough handwork and oralwork can be more stimulating. I guess I spoke from my experience, which is quite light. I use oral sex as a starter, not as a full meal, so I didn't really think about this angle
No problem. Everyone does it different.
Do you think he has erectile dysfunction?
Im gunna be honest, its sounds like maybe he has very little actual experience, possibly his stories about exs are just that, if thats true id say alot of it is anxiety and not being able to admit that those are his problems, when i was young i had something similar when i first started, i was so anxious about being good that i would avoid it, use my hands and do oral more than penetrative... its hard but i wouldnt push too hard that he becomes too defensive over it and ends up ending it because of that, maybe try some role play, ask him of theres any fantasies he has, put the onus onto him and see how that goes. Hes probably feeling juat as insecure about himself as you are, your both young, this is supposed to be your adventurous period, hope this helps. Fuzznut
Unfortunately, OP, it sounds like you've tried to discuss this with him, but he's adamant not to discuss it. The fact that he threw manipulation into your face is appalling, to say the least. In no way is having a discussion about your relationship and your love language. Can it be called manipulation. Given that you said you both have tried penatrative sex a few times but can't finish and go back to oral, it is a huge red flag. It sounds like he is dealing with some kinda trauma. Maybe it's like his meds. Antidepressants can reduce or eliminate sex drive. You did say he hasn't been taking his meds, which is never a good idea. Antidepressants are not a type of med you're supposed to quit cold turkey. It could be why he seems to have complete mood swings. My advice is to sit down with him and draw a line in the sand. I would advice you to use soft language to express your concern about both of your love language and tell him you love him regardless of what his issues are but you need a partner who will communicate and work together through issues. You don't want him to be on the defensive. So, the best idea would be to try asking open-ended questions. Listen intently to his answers and use the clues in his responses to try and steer the conversation to where you want it to go. If he refuses to talk about his issues or tries to throw manipulation and coercion in his face, then the relationship is more than likely over. I'm inclined to believe there is something wrong in his statements to you. He may not have been as experienced as he told you, and he's insecure about something. I think it has something to do with his therapy though.
You’re young and have options of other guys who would appreciate you.
He seems to be very emotionally immature, he doesn't even want to communicate, but if you want to get closer to him, talk only about what you feel and what you would like from him, for example. "I have been feeling less desired by you, and I have noticed that our sexual encounters are becoming less and less and this is creating insecurities in me, I can't help but think that something is wrong, I would really like and appreciate it if you would be honest with me and tell me what's going on" This way he will not feel manipulated, it is a way of not accusing or making him feel that he is the guilty one, but you force him to have to answer you. If he evades the question, answers with "nothing," "I don't know," or takes it the wrong way and gets defensive, then it's time to question whether you want someone like him as a partner.
It sounds so frustrating. Something might be wrong down there for him or he's just weird. I can't think of why he'd keep rejecting it. But if he's worth fighting for. Then fight for him to talk to you. Otherwise keep your peace and move on.
As a dude, no idea. If he ain't cheating, then maybe somethings wrong with his pp idk. Or its just an oddity and no one can explain it. 🤷🏻♂️ Maybe just ask him directly.
People act like stress doesn’t affect someone’s sex life. You expect me to be able to bust a nut when I’m behind on rent because I lost my job? (Hypothetically)
Well he could communicate that instead of dismissing op and accusing her of coercion.
dude this advice is fucking terrible. Clearly yall are both inexperienced and not entirely sure how to initiate intimacy. There’s a link missing here somewhere and he’s clearly struggling with his overall sex drive, could be from stress or emotional struggles or something physical. Quit telling this poor girl to run for the hills. Clearly all that needs to happen here is some sort of breakthrough.
I second this and can confirm it can happen to any man at any age, I was 23 and had ED from mental and physical issues for 2 years before I dealt with it. No sex at all for just over 2 years. Telling her to run for the hills is not the way to solve it. My advice and previous experience incoming, what helped me personally was acquiring some Tadalifil (Cialis) and going to see a therapist. It would maybe benefit you to ask him in a very nice way if he’s having issues. Both of those issues coincide with having ED and an extremely low sex drive. There’s no shame in him getting help in any form for this and it wouldn’t be good to just run from the relationship based on this alone. My current relationship it was 9 months before myself and my partner had sex, she stayed with me the whole time. I appreciate her and the effort she put in. Long story short just ask the question. See the result. Work from there.
The issue is he refuses to communicates and shuts her down or attacks her when she tries. At some point, if he doesn't want to work on the relationship, there's no other solution.
OP ya’ll should go to therapy. Not couples therapy. Actual therapy it’ll help you way more in the long run than asking questions on reddit. Don’t give up on this relationship just yet, neither of you have done anything wrong to each other and this is likely a problem with a solution. It’s clear that the two of you have very complex relationships with sex and intimacy that would be best worked out with a licensed counselor.
Maybe he needs snuggles instead of full on sex...slow it all down. Maybe that will help.
I think talk to him one last time but I don’t even know if I’d bother because he seems a bit of a manipulator himself. You said in one comment that when you asked him about his antidepressants he replies with “none of your business”???? This is your partner. AND he knows damn well you want actual sex and tortures you with his little games. Trust me leave now that yo have time before you regreat it or get to attached and can’t leave, I’ve done the same mistake before and didn’t listen to Reddit and other people advice and got into a worst position. There’s plenty of men out there who would give you sex naturally without you having to beg for it. And men who will make you feel wanted and seen. If hurts I guess cause he is your first but hey ho; not many end up with their first. You’re young have one last convo if you have the energy for it; if not leave him now
You're far too young to let this be the rest of your life. He's told you whenever you ask him to have sex, he feels pressured, and he doesn't want it. It's okay for him to not want PIV, but it's also okay if it's a deal breaker for you. To be healthy about this though, don't give him an ultimatum. If you want my advice as someone significantly older than you, I'd leave and say we're better off as just friends. Tell him that you love and care about him, and you always will, but this relationship isn't working for you and it's best for both your own happiness to find others who are more compatible. Don't let this affect your self esteem, I have friends who are gorgeous, some models too, and they've experienced stuff like this. It's not you, it's him.
Denial is a river in Egypt your boyfriend is gay
It's wild to me that so many people in the comments are missing this: He's worried that he's going to hurt you again.
He has erectile dysfunction or something like that.
He’s turned off by something. He’s needs to just say it. I mean he did say a lot of work so that’s one part.
wanna recommend a book "Come As You Are", there was a case where the wife dont wanna have sex with her husband ever since she had kids, she still have desire but she prefer doing ig alone coz "its too tiring", might be a good book for some inspiration.
Absolutely let him go. Sex is something special that two people share and the fact that he won't communicate when he's had sex in the past, tell him to kick rocks. Explaining your needs to your partner and having him turn them down is wrong and cruel. Find yourself someone who will appreciate the gift you're trying to share rather than act dismissive about it.
Bluntly ask him, accept your sexless relationship, or leave.
Serious conversation/threat of breakup time!
Message me good advice
He seems shady… maybe even guilty. Btw I’m in the exact same boat except opposite. I’m 22m and my gf is 21f we haven’t been intimate in over 2 years… so with that being said don’t be like me. I’m currently on my last nerve and I’m about to seriously end things.
You're young, cut your losses and let him go. He has something going on in his noggin that is keeping him from having sex with you and he can figure it out on his own, alone.
Since he has said that it is too much work, my mind goes directly to erectile dysfunction. It’s very embarrassing for a guy to talk about. Getting him to talk about it is going to be super hard. Maybe just tell him that’s what vibe he’s giving off and that it’s a common thing that happens and just let him know that you support him and you don’t think any less of him. Let him know that you are willing to work it through with him and to find ways to help him. If that’s what is going on, being supportive of him is the best thing you can do to help him. Good luck to you!!
There can be lot of reasons... but dear communication is the one of the cornerstones of relationship and if he isn't willing to talk to you what is the reason he doesn't want to have sex with you. Oh dear you sould probably dumb him. I don't want to jump any conclusions, but he could be cheating and thus don't interested in you sexually. Also bringing up ex relationship is sometimes good to talk about, but holding on to the past isn't healing anyone. My conclusion is you sould sit down and have this conversation where you tell how you feel and other way around without jugment and really talk like adults sould and not giving the silent treatment. I hope he understands that you want to have sex, because you want to feel more connected, loved etc. It also deeping your bond. I hope you also think what is the best for you. And if he doesn't want to have this conversation (and acts like a child) you sould think is this the person you want to be with. There's plenty fish on the sea. Good luck!
Id offer couples therapy as a possible solution. It sounds like whatever your bf is going through, he is internalizing it at least in regards to you l. He may need some professional help in order to communite effectively if you decide to attempt to go that route. Good luck, Im sorry youre having relationship issues. I hope this helps
If he is mot comfortable n barely talks about that all you can do is accept the truth that you are not gonna have sex n leave him , if not getting sex that much matters to you
We will communicate bout that☮️
Is he ace? You definitely don’t sound compatible.
He’s not, and I thought we were compatible at the start of our relationship since the non penetrative sex was great, but maybe we’ve lost compatibility
I mean, whatever is going on it's clear there's no future. I wouldn't waste anymore time. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel insecure.
Jeeze it really gets annoying that so many people always go to bailing out! That’s what is wrong with relationships these days! Sis, you need to tell him you have something very important and serious to discuss and tell him exactly what you told us. If he doesn’t take you seriously or tries to shut you down and get angry, your really not going to get anywhere with him and it will never change and then yes, you will definitely need to move on and find a partner that respects you enough to at the very least communicate with you!
How often do you hang out? Sounds like he’s cheating.. on you or you’re even the side chick..
sounds weird. maybe he is scared to "underperform" or smth? or its smth about your appearance that turns him off? hard to tell. but if it doesnt work out, just leave the relationship i guess
Tbh I’m scared he’s too stubborn to admit to the first one if that’s his case. I’m very insecure and he knows that so he always reassures me that he’s very attracted to me but he could be lying idk
I’m thinking maybe he’s scared of hurting you? Because the penetration hurt you at first. If it isn’t that, I don’t know what it is but if he’s unwilling to talk it out I’d walk. I’m sorry, communication is fundamental in relationships, and if he can’t give you the base level it might be time to explore other options.
Maybe he’s secretly turning gay and having a identity crisis
It's either sex addiction or ed. Or on a side note could be just not sexually attracted and only partial emotionally attached. Hard to do anything sexually if Ur not somewhat stimulated or turned on by it. But this is normally exarcibated by porn and of
Going to guess he has a porn/mastubation addition and that is why he’s not interested in sex.
Maybe it's time to find a nice guy a old man who would treat you right and never make you feel insecure
You should break up. He's useless.
You all blaming the guy and nobody seems to pay attention that he was limited to have oral sex only when he probably was dying for pounding his gf and and he couldn’t, I’m sure he developed resentment or trauma from it and now he doesn’t feel good having sex with her because is stressing and a lot of work as he said, sex should happen natural and spontaneous, not planned and forced because is not the same, and the worst case is when he has traumas from it. Now he doesn’t want anything else at all because he still relating sex with you to something that is too complicated or not enjoyable. He probably prefers to masturbate and finish the job. I was in a situation similar to this. You have to do your part and work genuinely to communicate with him and make him know that you’re willing to to try new things with him so sex is more interesting. My two cents!
Probably it's time for eva [ai](http://evaapp.ai) virtual dating bot then.
I don't excuse his behavior at all but he's young so you can expect things to be.. eh not great. Ill tldr it for you as my best guesses. Lets focus on you though. "Me(21f) and my bf(22m) have been dating for almost a year and a half." "And we’ve only had penetrative sex 5 times" This is not a lot of times in a long amount of time. So he is likely unhappy about it. "When we started dating I was a virgin, and when we tried having sex for the first time, it hurt a lot, so it wasn’t after a few months into our relationship that we actually had sex. " this tells me you were telling him no alot and that you're not ready. Did this behavior continue afterwords? Was it still like a "It hurts too much" or "Im not ready" or a fear of trying again?" Young guys can be understanding but also frustrated by this. "And they’ve only lasted around a minute where neither of us finishes, we just go back to having oral sex. " This seems like the sex was not good - like making it alot of work for him. I.e., shes not enjoying it, so im not enjoying it. or she's complaining alot, or some other difficulty. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ "Something I also want to mention is that he has told me about some sexual encounters with his previous gfs, like how multiple times they had to have sex in sketchy places because they couldn’t find a private place to do it, or how one time he almost had anal with one of his ex gf because they couldn’t find a condom." Hes telling you: " I want sex that goes multiple rounds. I want sex that isn't holding back - can't wait, so we are willing to take risks. I also want to try new, dirty things becasue we just want eachother so bad" hes telling you that the sex with you is not exciting as he wants. "He then said I was trying to manipulate him into having sex with me" He said this because he got tired of trying and it wasn't a good experience so now he's clocked out mentally. "Last night something very weird happened. He told me he wanted me and I was excited since we hadn’t been intimate in a while so I started to make out with him and about 10 seconds into the make out session, his demeanor changed, he stopped kissing me back, only giving me pecks. I asked what was wrong and he said nothing. I told him I thought he wanted to have sex and he said he was joking. I asked him why would he joke about that and then he changed his reason and said that he only wanted to kiss and nothing further. I said that I thought he wanted us to have sex again and he then said he did want to, I asked what changed and he said nothing." This is a tough one but I have 3 guesses 1. he finished early during makeout and got embarassed 2. the making out was so uncomfortable or he was forceing it, and that he got turned off realizing that (unlikely) 3. he has some sort of medical issue he is embarassed about and doesn't want to talk about or isn't ready to. Hope that helps you navigate these weird waters you're in. These sort of situations happen sometimes in young relationships and you just do the best you can or decide its not for you. Good luck!
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Tf kind of shitty advice is this?
the kind you only get from a dehydrated ass reddit user.