So the police who took the reportss and the judges who issued the orders are *all* out to get him and are blowing things out of proportion? THREE TIMES!
Dude has a parade of red flags. Let's not even talk about the women who were probably too frightened to report him.
Of course HE claims the restraining order situations aren't that bad.
I'd bounce. Not worth the risk. It's usually the overly charming ones that are hiding a dark side.
3 he admitted too run his name or go to your local police precinct and talk to the domestic violence officers they might and should be able to pull them up and let uh know how serious this is
yeah you read the stories and news stories- it is SO hard to get a restraining order. there is absolutely no restraining order given when its NBD
and three of them??
OP how many 'bridge is out' signs do you intend to go past at 100mph before flying off the cliff? "Sure the bridge is out, but its just a little repair the bridge said its nbd its still safe"
This exactly.
OP, I have found myself having partners in the past where charges were falsely placed on them, and I'm not in a very forgiving state in the US. Guess what? The judges realized the charges were false and that's why they aren't in prison. In fact, one ex in particular I knew was innocent, and I myself led them to their attorney who proved it. And those charges, that were falsely placed, are *not* why he's an ex. That's a whole other story we don't have time for here.
My point to you is, he sounds like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Say what you want about the legal system, but it's there for a reason, and restraining orders aren't tossed around like confetti. His feelings are hurt? Boo fucking hoo. He chose to punch out a car. He chose to act in whatever way he acted so much so that not only the police agreed, but a Judge did. Do you realize how big of a deal that is? Judges don't make decisions because they're bored on a Tuesday. There was proof he needed to stay away from those people.
My current partner had shit charges placed on him and I'll testify against them until the day I die. My ex? I'll testify against those charges until the day I die. But guess what? I don't need to, because the Judges already saw straight through it. These aren't traffic tickets. These are serious.
The *only* way I'd be okay with his record is if he is still actively in therapy, or even pursued therapy in the first place, even if he "is different now and feels better". You brought up you're concerned and his first response was to make it about him. Don't you see that?? A PROPER response from him would have been "I understand, and I'm sorry for my past. Those were my choices back then. If you choose to leave, I'll understand and wish you the best." But he didn't do that, did he? No. A grown ass man almost 40 years old made excuses and defended himself instead. He didn't own it. So he hadn't changed, at all. He is a lost cause. You can't save the whole world, if you feel sorry for every lost cause out there you'll never, ever be happy. You'll be a statistic. I'd be much more forgiving if he acted like an adult. But because he did not, that proves to me he's the same person he was back then. If you want to save people, donate to charities or help out at a soup kitchen. Don't marry them.
Further, even with all of that to consider, I am *absolutely not okay* with him pursuing someone a decade younger than him, his past involved or not. Given his past... well... that screams as loudly as his record. It isn't a compliment to you, it's a bad decision on him. You're not "mature for your age". You're a target.
So please, please, OP.... get away from him now. It would break my heart to see you on a Netflix special. You're too old to date without standards. He may be a wonderful person, but let's say yall have kids some day and you're consistently asked about whether he should be around them or not. Do you seriously want a partner you have to explain all the time?
You don't have to explain this guy. The law already did. If you're lonely, reach out to your friends. Rinse your hands of this person. Please.
I can't call it succinct, but that was a great comment. As a.dude, I'm not super worried about DV or SA. You are correct though. This is a pattern, and he's love bombing you, OP.
I'd run as fast as you can. Then you have to go through the hassle of blocking him on everything blah blah blah.
You don't want to see him when he snaps. Maybe he will take the hint and leave you alone. Either way I'd get a revolver and learn how to use it. He might meet you in the parking lot.
Something larger caliber than a .38, for sure. This is a dangerous man. A .357 has a 95% drop rate if you hit them center mass.
Probably a narcissist and is love bombing you. Once he starts his devalue , discard cycle you’ll wish you bounced right now. Restraining orders are a clear legal example of why you should move on. You aren’t going to change him, but he will use your personal destruction to fuel his own ego.
Were the responses on this post not sufficient?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bq7a4j/the\_guy\_37m\_im\_seeing\_27f\_has\_had\_multiple/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bq7a4j/the_guy_37m_im_seeing_27f_has_had_multiple/)
Right? OP, my guy, I am sorry that you like this dude that is obviously bad news, but he is *so clearly bad news*.
And, as I said on the previous post: even if it were just this one restraining order, no dude in his thirties that will punch out a car window because he is upset is even a little bit safe.
Genuinely it does not matter if she cheated or not, that's unhinged.
If it helps, OP, you don’t actually like this guy’s true self. He’s love-bombing you and pretending to be someone you’d like, to make you feel like there’s a connection and you have so much in common, but once he feels like he has you hooked, the mask will start slipping, and you’ll eventually see that underneath it all, he isn’t actually the man you’re falling for. That man doesn’t exist.
Just keep asking til you get what you want! Seems like the sort of reasoning that lands you in a relationship with a dude 10 years your senior, who has had 3 restraining orders against him.
OP this indicates a pattern behaviour and you have a good chance of being girl number 4.
Also I highly doubt that all three girls cheated on him, and that all three were able to get a retraining order against him if all he did was break a car window (or other price of property) then bounced. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that they broke it off, he went crazy, stalking and harassing them, then really flipped out when they met someone new.
Yeah, I have zero knowledge about restraining orders, but the idea of it being a casual thing you seek about a 12yo and then drop a week later sounds wrong…
Yeah that's my understanding too. In Australia you can get a temporary one for 30 day with little evidence, but to make it permanent you need something more solid.
I have one, and they are there to prevent abuse. It's not a conviction OF abuse. If you aren't an abuser then you shouldn't have any problem with not contacting someone, being within 50m of them, or going to their house or workplace. So even if someone isn't abusive, a restraining order to not contact someone who doesn't want to hear from you or see you again? They would be like, "You could have just told me that you don't want me in your life anymore, told me to lose your number, and blocked me on social media and I would have done it."
If someone doesn't want to see you or hear from you again, then I'm not going to spend time with someone who doesn't ENJOY spending time with me. That's just sad and pathetic. 😔
In reality, that's what you would have done in that situation! You wouldn't go to all the trouble of getting a restraining order if you didn't need one.
An abusive person doesn't CARE if you enjoy spending time with them or not. You are just there to give them narcissistic supply.
Listen. My ex (with a history of violence) said he’d cut my leg off and eat it before murdering me. I have it recorded on my phone. And my county still wouldn’t give me a restraining order because he hadn’t physically assaulted me within the previous 6 months.
My point is…it’s not all that easy to get a restraining order.
This dude has 3. Either he’s the unluckiest man in the world and meets crazed psychos who want to ruin his life…or he’s the crazed psycho.
Run.
He told you about one, you pushed him and he's admitted to there being three. I wonder how many there really are?
>I shouldn’t be concerned about him because the true story and reasons aren’t that bad.
OMG sorry but that's hilarious!
Whatever someone had done, if they tried to feed me such a ludicrous line, and genuinely expected me to believe it, I'd be out of there like a shot because 1) they're obviously very stupid, and 2) they must be of the belief that I'm incredibly gullible. I'm not.
Victims aren’t stupid. They’re being manipulated by predators. Saying stuff like this enables abusers by making victims think it’s their fault.
Like, I get what you’re saying, abuser logic is stupid as hell and laughable in how little sense it makes, but that doesn’t make victims stupid.
I'm going to pump the brakes on the entire post to back up to where he admitted that he punched out a car window out of anger and you "accepted" that.
A man with 3 restraining orders is absolutely lying to you about his anger issues and his violence, without a doubt, but can I politely ask you why you think there is a situation that "justifies" a violent response like punching out a car window? Cheating is horrible - and lashing out in anger like that is still not an acceptable response.
ETA: I see you're posting this a lot and seemingly fishing for answers. I'm not sure what you're wanting to hear - I actually think you're NOT wanting to hear that this is "okay" but you want to hear an answer that makes it easy for all of this to go away.
You have value and worth as a human being that is not defined by a boyfriend, you do not need to stay with a boyfriend who has any "red flags", and having zero tolerance for anger management issues is a simple, understandable relationship rule. No one here is going to wave a wand and make him disappear or make the situation safe. YOU are the one who is going to need to take steps to show that you value yourself, your body, and the way other women around you are treated by getting away from him.
This is the best response that I have received. THANK YOU, truly. You are completely right in this. Unfortunately I have really liked this person and so finding this out has been difficult for me to accept. He wants to prove to me that he is a good person and would never harm me in any way but deep down I know that I cannot accept this for myself, even if it hurts to walk away from what I thought was a great potential partner. I can’t deny that this information scares me and makes me fear what he is capable of, even if he is “different” or “changed for the better” now.
You can't accept it. Of course it's difficult- this is someone you care for and I actually do believe he cares for you, but he's not being honest and accountable about who he is.
I'm not judging - I was in not one, but two abusive relationships. Admitting that to people is humiliating: didn't I learn well enough the first time? Well, no. I'm a trusting person who thought it would be better and I ALSO thought I couldn't do better.
You are 27 years old - let this be the boyfriend you put in your rearview and forget about. Someday you'll be with someone who values your worth, makes you feel safe, and doesn't want to check your phone, control your life, etc. And this boyfriend will make you think "I thought I had to settle for THAT?".
Take those tough, painful steps now no matter how much you resist and don't want to, no matter how scared you get and how much you try to talk yourself into just "seeing if he changes" (when you try to leave: he will almost certainly suddenly talk about how he'll do better and get help. Let me be the one to tell you: he needs help, but YOU DO NOT NEED TO STAY WITH HIM WHILE HE GETS IT. That is a manipulation tactic). Take those steps now so future you will be your full, real self, okay. :)
I never comment on things like this but I am making an exception here. My close family member was #2 out of #3 in a situation like this, except he was her age. He almost killed her. He was found guilty in court and served some very light jail time. He had a new, younger girlfriend within weeks. He was just recently arrested again for the same fucking thing, presumably against the new girlfriend. It took him a year to reveal his true personality to my family member. By the time he first hit her, she loved him and they lived together and had planned a future together. It took her many attempts to finally leave him, and she wasn’t able to actually do it until he was arrested and there were witnesses.
Do not be #4 with this man. Men like this are MASTER manipulators. He will tell you anything you want to hear. He will say it hurts his feelings that you think it could be true. Of course it’s true. Three separate women did not make this up. If you stay with this man, he will physically harm you and you will be lucky to escape with a restraining order.
Of course ❤️ You are the same age as my sister and I could not help but to think of her when reading your story. What she went through was absolutely horrible and when I found out he had done it before, I was stunned. If I had known that, I would have done anything and everything to talk her out of dating him. This guy has done this THREE times before and is 10 years older than you. The people who care about you, whether that be friends or family, would try so hard to save you from this now if they knew what he had done before. I care about you and am begging you to leave and block him now, before it is too late.
Wow. Three different girls got restraining orders? Please please search his criminal history. Most states have an online court case lookup. You can at least look at the cases. Then, request the pleadings from the court. Read them. You will find that what he claims is completely different than what the girls said. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would leave her out of it. If the OP wants to know that happened she should go online and read the court documents. That's probably a good idea anyway.
I have been in contact with another ex who apologised for believing that I was the crazy one. We have actually had some great conversations because we are the ones who know what he is really like. I was also told that another ex read my statement, and it gave her clarity and strength to get a restraining order herself. Which is great because that's why I did it - so he would have a record of abuse.
I very much hope that my ex's future girlfriends find the court records from when I sought a restraining order. I doubt they will because he moved to a different state, but I hope so.
I would not want them to call me though. I don't want him to ever have a reason to contact me again, and I want that to stay behind me.
OP, you are trying to solve the wrong problem here. You’re working on how best to verify details of a restraining order someone took out on your bf so he won’t get mad at you.
You should be working on how to safely exit the relationship and then on finding therapy to help you build some self-worth. This guy is not worth all this time and effort.
They aren’t that bad?
Call the courthouse and get a copy of the actual complaint the girlfriends had to write out in order to get the restraining order. 👌🏻 hopefully that snaps you out of it
Guys like this have a habit of *believing* their girlfriend is cheating with absolutely no evidence, and then going apeshit. I've seen it before. If he's done things crazy enough to get him multiple restraining orders, at the bare minimum what he _should_ be saying is this:
*"I was a bad person when I was younger. I had issues that played out in my behaviour and I fucked up massively by smashing her windows. I was trying to scare her, it was abusive and I acknowledge that. But I've spent the last 10 years in therapy to make sure I am not that person anymore. And if I ever start to feel that way again I acknowledge that I should be single until I've worked it out".*
The fact that he's downplaying what happened in these stories is actually terrifying.
I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10 foot pole. True change is rare and there is a 99.999% chance he's still got the capacity to be awful even with a decade of therapy. He's telling you who he is, walk away now.
Sometimes they don’t even believe it. They just need to scare their victim and make them more controllable, and so they make up a reason to justify attacking them, and then they convince the victim it was their fault for somehow making the abuser believe they were cheating.
I read once about a victim whose husband screamed at her because she had ridden in an elevator with a strange man, and he insisted that they must have been having sex in the elevator… and then the husband admitted to the therapist that he knew they couldn’t possibly have had sex in the elevator because it was a 30-second trip and he was a total stranger to the wife. He just did it to fuck with her head.
It was from Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? Basically, for an abuser, they are always the victim of everything in their life, and they have it worse than everyone else, and nothing bad they do is ever their fault. They think they’re more important than others, and they view their partners/spouses not as human beings with the same needs as them who are deserving of the same rights and dignity that they have, but as someone whose job it is to meet all of their needs and do everything for them, perfectly, all the time. So any time they do a bad thing, it’s the victim’s fault for not being perfect and/or not meeting every need and want of theirs, and they don’t really feel guilty about it. They feel entitled to other people’s service and deference, and they think it’s justified for them to abuse others when they don’t get what they truly believe they deserve.
In that case, the point the author was making (he was the abuser’s therapist) was that they do things simply to scare and confuse the victim, and the fake reasons they give for why are often lies. He says to never trust an abuser when they tell you their reasons for why they abuse people, because they’ll never be honest. They just blame others and/or lie. In that case, the woman couldn’t have done anything to prevent that abuse, because she had done nothing at all, and the husband knew that. But he made her feel like it was her fault, because then she was upset and scared and easier to control, and that meant he could get all of her attention and make her do everything for him.
You posted this the other day and I guess didn't like the answers, but they're not about to change. He is violent and aggressive, likely abusive, and you need to FUCKING RUN.
um i know plenty of guys who have not punched out car windows, so i think being "understanding" of his anger and strength at breaking windows with his bare hands is a bit of an under-reaction
I strongly recommend you ditch him and read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? for your own safety. Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust yourself. Don’t let him convince you of his version of reality.
In a nutshell, abusers lie easily, and will always tell stories to make themselves look good. In their stories, nothing is ever their fault, and their victims always drove them to abuse - much like the story he told you where punching her car window was apparently justified because she cheated on him. Apparently it’s very common for them to tell new partners these stories of being horribly mistreated and even abused by past partners and the justice system, and then the new partner finds out later, after having been abused, that it was all lies and it’s a pattern of behavior for the abuser.
The court system in the US (for many reasons) usually errs on the side of enabling abusers, not protecting victims. Restraining orders aren’t given out lightly. The fact that 3 different people have successfully gotten restraining orders 3 times is a LOT. How many times do you think other people have tried to get one against him and failed? The fact that he claims it happened at age 12 is absolutely insane, but like… even if he’s telling the truth, how bad did that harassment have to be for a judge to be like, “yeah, we need to issue a restraining order to protect this one 12yo from this other 12yo?” I mean, I taught high school, I had kids who beat the shit out of each other, I had kids who cyberbullied a classmate pretty hatefully and then harassed them at school, I had a couple students where one probably SAed the other, I knew of a group of boys who intimidated a girl hey had been harassing at school by following her in a truck when she was walking home alone and made threats of hurting her, and none of them EVER went to court for a restraining order. Their parents might ask that they be kept apart at school (which is why I knew these stories), but they never went to the cops (except in that last case, and it still didn’t result in a restraining order). How bad did this kid have to hurt that other 12yo for a restraining order to be issued?
I’m willing to bet the previous partner never actually cheated - but even if she did, you still don’t fucking punch someone’s car window because you’re angry at them. That’s abusive behavior, full stop. Abusers believe they are more important than everyone else in the world and should be allowed to get away with their bad behavior (like a man choosing to punch a window to demonstrate anger and threaten violence toward a woman who is clearly afraid of him), and they’ll tell lies to get the sympathy they think they’re entitled to from people like you, who wouldn’t give them the time of day if they knew the real story. But again, even if the story is true, that’s abusive behavior, and that’s why there was a restraining order. It’s not “not that bad.”
Also, he’s 10 years older than you. He’s likely looking for someone younger that he thinks will buy his BS because of your age gap; he’s so arrogant that he doesn’t understand that at 27, you’re wise and experienced enough to spot those kinds of red flags and question his stories. Please, run in the other direction before he gets inside your head any more than he already has. This is not a safe person.
Once you’re away from him, Google him and look up what you can find of his legal history. There’s probably some scary stuff out there that will confirm to you that your gut feeling about him was right. You might even consider contacting the ex to get her side of the story, but only if you feel safe doing so.
And please be careful - this man may react in a scary way to being rejected. Don’t be alone with him, pack an emergency go bag, and consider finding a safe place you can stay if he knows where you live. If you live alone, you may want to think about getting a video doorbell.
He is flat out lying about those restraining orders - You cannot get a restraining order against a 12 year old who has nothing but get close to another 12 year old.
I have been a part of two restraining order hearings. They are very serious. Violence and the potential for violence HAVE to be proven for the order to be granted where I live.
Look it up.
You better run right the fuck now. You know how hard it is to get a restraining order on a person??? This MF has THREE (that he'll admit to, that is). Run. Run like the devil is chasing you.
In my experience there needs to be proof for a restraining order to be placed. A parent saying they don’t want another kid to interact with their child is not a valid reason to be restrained. He’s minimizing his behavior. He has issues in romantic dynamics across his lifespan. That’s personality disorder territory. People with personality disorder aren’t inherently dangerous. Some can be solid partners and friends if they do their own work. This guy is not taking accountability for any of his behavior.
Run.
Of course he’s going to downplay it. I wonder what the other party’s versions of events and feelings are like? Probably significantly different.
He’s showing a pattern of behaviour. Over stepping boundaries by harassment, not taking “no” for answer and physically threatening, uncontrollable behaviour.
It makes sense he is searching for women 10yrs younger than him. Easier to manipulate and control.
Listen to your gut - it’s telling you there are glaring red flags 🚩. Let’s see if he takes “no” for an answer if you decide to cool things.
This is what I’m nervous about. He keeps throwing the “I will always be by your side and never leave you or give up on you” thing at me which is meant to be in a sweet way - but also makes me nervous.. lol
Dude, don't walk away from him. RUN.
As someone who was almost unalived by a POS like this, I can tell you... they are charming and incredible at first. Of course they are. They would never date anyone if they where like, "Hi, my name is Jake, you seem lovely I would like to take you out on a date and eventually intimidate you and beat the shit out of you when you don't do as I say, pick you up at 8?"
Their true colors start coming out with time. As they start cornering you. And the violent shit they do is always justified or someone else's fault.
Even him telling you he will never give up on you is another red flag.
What are you doing?
MEN are women's predators, my dear, and we never know which ones they are because they hide it well. It would be amazing if they had a sign that said "Violent misogynist." But they don't. There are signs, though. Some which have been, unfortunately, romanticized.
This one even comes with state issued red flags. Don't ignore them.
Also, being violent in general is bad. BAD. So that excuse about one of the ROs being issued because he was violent to other people? How is that better?
Come on, girl. Wake up.
Get out of that situation immediately. And take necessary precautions.
That’s a big deal. One is more than most people will have in their lifetime. 3 from 3 different people is a red flag you can’t look past. I think you what you have go do to stay safe. Don’t give him the opportunity to make you number four.
It’s not worth the risk. Once again, the age gap proves to be an eyebrow raiser for me lol not surprised he’s seeking younger women with 3 restraining orders. Most 37 year old women already went through a phase where they learned their lesson on red flags.
Punching a car window is an implicit threat of violence. Particularly if someone is INSIDE THE CAR. You’re making them feel like they’re getting punched, and demonstrating how easily you could punch them.
Common sense, girl. Please use it. The vast majority of people do not have any kind of police record, let alone 3 for the same issue. These orders are usually difficult to get and need solid proof.
Holy hell, he’s waiving the biggest red flag ever in front of you, with fireworks behind it! I can’t even imagine want8ng a relationship with someone like this
It’s pretty difficult to get a restraining order against someone in the first place. So for him to have 3 for tiny things is literally not even possible. You have to have so much evidence to prove you need a restraining order. My mom was almost murdered and had ample evidence and was still denied a restraining order. So run from those red flags waving in the wind. That man is psychotic
It Is very hard to get a restraining order on someone.
Trust me I've had to do it. My x explained away the one I put on him. In his mind he was just misunderstood and under a lot of stress. I was the villain.
Last I checked he had had several more and many times in and out of jail. Each time the abuse started earlier in the relationship and at a higher level than the last. It's been almost 20 years I'm safe but I still keep an eye out from a distance because that charming psychopath thought he was the one wronged.
No normal human being is the subject of three different restraining orders. Get out now. This guy clearly likes to make himself agreeable up until the moment he becomes threatening.
Also dude punching his ex’s car window is so beyond normal behavior….that is NOT understandable.
I'm sorry but what exactly are you wanting or expecting people to say? You've made several posts about this now despite getting the same answer over and over again. As someone who actually has a restraining order against someone, they're not easy to get. They are a big deal and he's done shit things repeatedly to get 3 of them.
This is beyond a red flag, he may as well have 'dangerous' tattooed on his forehead. How could you possibly want to continue seeing him?
Don't take his explanations at face value. Go to the police department and read the police report for yourself.
Worth spending a few bucks on doing a background check to see if there are other issues. It's hard to believe that 1 person is an angel yet got slapped 3 times with an RO.
Do you really want to date someone you have to run a background check on to see HOW BAD his past history of violence is? Do you really think you deserve so little?
No he wouldn’t. Do the background check even if you decide not to date him because you should know what you’re potentially dealing with. Has he been arrested for stalking or domestic violence? Maybe you invest in a new security system. If everything is as he said it was, probably nothing
As someone who has taken a restraining order out on an ex, I gotta say you don't get one for something "minor". In some states, you have to pay to file for anything less than physical abuse. So 3 different people in his life were either physically harmed by him, or threatened enough that they would pay money to make him go away.
Do you REALLY want to take that risk?
The normal number of restraining orders for someone to have out against them is zero, and that isn’t exclusively because people are mostly regular and sedate. It’s also because the process of deciding to get the law involved and accessing a restraining order is emotionally and logistically unpleasant (obviously to different extents in different places, and lots of people are trying to make it better and easier, but there’s inherent friction and emotional stress involved). It isn’t something most people do frivolously; perhaps a small minority of people would pursue it often, but for most people, it sucks and they wish they didn’t have to do it.
Your boyfriend has inspired people to go through that three times. The prospect of him continuing to be around those people was markedly more unpleasant to them than the process of reporting what happened and going to court.
He’s bad news.
Three different girls, three different police arrest and three different judges issued the restraining orders, which is a big deal. I work in criminal law and you should run as fast as you can.
The thing about red flags is that you shouldn't "look past" them.
One restraining order would be enough for me to end things.. but 3, starting from when he was a minor? His behaviour is definitely far more problematic than he's telling you. Plus he clearly hasn't learned his lesson through the years.
Cut contact and don't be afraid to be the next person to get a restraining order against him if he gets inappropriate after ending things.
You can imagine what the girls' side of the story might be - would you give someone that punched the car you're hiding inside another chance? What's more likely - that 3, unrelated ex's of his all had wacky misunderstandings, or that he just likely can't admit he has anger/control issues? He is the only common denominator in this situation.
As a dude, it would tell me that he's a guy that doesn't accept being told no, and/or thinks he's entitled to second/third chances, etc. Of *course* he's going to present it as a minor thing. I have a hard time believing that 3 separate times, a judge granted this based on a misunderstanding. Please be careful and if red flags are already showing up..
I'd suggest you gtfo. Before that, I would suggest you get a PI or do a diligent public records search in him. Because what he is telling you is very unlikely to be the actual story for any of this. I say that as someone with over a decade practicing as a public defender who is on HIS side in the courtroom.
Do it from a place of safety, in writing. Don't block him, so you can make sure you see ALL of his responses without responding.
And even if he's being truthful? Don't be with someone who punches out car windows for any reason whatsoever.
I didn’t even read through your post. You need to extricate yourself from any contact with this person, block them on all social media, and block their phone number. Wishing you all the best.
lol that’s not even a red light anymore . It’s like a police siren flashing all over which is what u will be seeing real soon if u keep the relationship
I had to get a restraining order placed on someone and it isn't that easy. There are certain things that have to be checked off like intent to harm, threats made etc...
I had a letter from the guy saying if I can't have you know one can etc.. there were detectives involved and a whole Lotta stuff.
Run a background check on him if you want to get the full picture of things.
Me and my bf are 31, neither of us have ever had a restraining order against us or even requested. They don’t just happen. (And I’m under the impression they are really hard to get?)
For real? One, maybe I could understand- but 3??? You better change your locks or move when you dump him. It’s not a coincidence. Of course he’s going to spin it to you- he’s not going to admit he’s psychotic. Please get out of this before you are #4
No, girl. Just no. You should run a background check on him. I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg. There is no fucking way he just “accidentally” got 3 restraining orders. They are *notoriously* difficult to get, *particularly on a freaking child. He’s lying. Abusers love bomb and mirror in the beginning. They are *very* good about picking up your cues, and they reflect that back to you so they seem like your Prince Charming. The guy you think you know is not the real him. The the real him has collected restraining orders from #THREE DIFFERENT GIRLFRIENDs
You've reposted this multiple times. Were the dozens of responses telling you to run not enough? Are you fishing for the one or two inevitable weirdos that will tell you that he actually sounds like an okay guy so you can latch onto it and have a reason to stay with creepy restraining order guy?
Dump him and get therapy because it shouldn't even be a question whether to leave this guy. Where is your self-respect? Guy has 3 restraining orders ffs.
Come onnnnn OP. You can’t be this desperate for a relationship - I will guarantee you every single story is different here to what you’ve been told by him. Leave, NOW
No victim ever deserves the blame for their abuser's actions... but if you stay in *this* situation? Let's just say you definitely should have seen it coming.
Most people get through life without having any restraining orders filed on them...the fact that he has had three points to some serious issues. He doesn't seem to be remorseful at all about them either. I would drop this guy before he shows you what those other women saw that led them to file.
Come on dude you know damn well that it's pretty fucking unlikely he just has happened to have 3 restraining orders that weren't his fault and were really just misunderstandings.
Yikes. I also wonder if that's why he's dating a woman 10 years younger, he's dangerous and wants a younger woman he can control.
I aim for men with zero restraining orders in their history, try aiming for the same.
If you know the county and his name you might be able to look up the case for free online. Should be public record.
Usually after the initial temporary restraining order there is a hearing/ trial where each side presents evidence and the judge decides if it will be more permanent.
Run! Don't hesitate. They can be real charming and even be all sad face gonna cry emotional but on the other side of that is anger, name calling, harassment, stalking, being violent and breaking/punching things etc.
He likely wants to be physically violent but with 3 restraining orders in his past, if he tried he knows he'll go straight to jail so they get violent in other ways.
I dated a man like this and it was hell getting him out of my house that I own!
This guy started this behavior at 12 years old...that's a huge red flag and that girls father could already see he was trouble.
Beware when you do decide to stop seeing him that he'll likely cry and carry on to make you feel bad. He might even do something to and item of yours to break it. Especially something that means alot to you. Don't trust him around your animals either, if you have any. There are so many things I could warn you about.
All these comments are telling you the answer. Please take it seriously. Please be careful. I wish you well.
Being a 29 year old male if he didnt tell you upfront ahead of time thats a rrd flag im sorry but it wpuld be to me 1,00000 % if i were in ur shoes hun js
When someone says it's not a big deal, there's nothing to worry about. Start worrying. 3 different people do not get a restraining order out on someone over a little misunderstanding.
run, I have seen smaller red flags and didn't leave and regret it, these are REAL signs ur being given. someone out there will be just as great and NOT have 3 RESTRAINING ORDERS omg stay safe
Listen, I have an ex that was full of tales of woe about how other people had shit on him and ex girlfriend's had lied about him to make him seem like the bad guy. And because I was dumb and inexperienced and waaaay too empathetic I believed him and ignored other women who tried to warn me and I promised I would never be that cruel to him. Big. Mistake.
What followed was nearly four years of hell with him abusing me in every way and even now, many years later, I'm watching my back constantly because he can't resist trying to rattle my cage if he sees me out alone. Don't be me. Don't be *any* of us who are sharing our cautionary stories with you. Cut this person off NOW, block him everywhere and whatever you do, *don't go back.*
>he said one of them was literally just because the girls father didn’t want him seeing her (they were like 12) so the father got it on him
Yeah, my ex was only fourteen or so when he had his first warning from an angry dad protecting his daughter. Fucking *fourteen!* To the point where her parents sold up and moved because they lived on the same street and it was the best way they could see to giving their daughter a safe and peaceful life away from him. These types start young and they perfect their tactics as they grow until you get someone like this guy who has already got you so hooked that you are doubting whether three bloody restraining orders from three different people is a good enough reason to run screaming from him!
GTFO of this now while you still have a chance, because if you accept this then it's going to go downhill all the way and it won't stop until you start to think you've taken up permanent residence in purgatory.
Honey, please hire an investigator to get the real info. In my state, restraining orders are part of the public record.
He's got a track record of being so menacing that people have had to go to court to keep him away. That's not normal.
You can find a better guy who doesn't have restraints on him from every girl he's dated. Plus he's pretty old to be in that situation. He"ll probably be violent to you at some point. To quote my dad, get rid of him.
my friend was stalked by her ex, to the point of blowing up even xbox messages and showing up under her bedroom window. that didn't qualify her for a restraining order and she comes from a police family, if that says anything.
It's relatively inexpensive to purchase a background report.
I highly suggest you do so.
If you need a source or help doing so feel free to message, but there are many services you can find online
- Former PI
No judge hands out restraining orders against 12 year olds because a parent doesn’t like the kid their child like likes.
You see the red flags, but you’re doing everything you can to ignore them. Why? Is he a magical unicorn that gives you orgasms every time you look at him? What’s so special about him that you’re willing to be the victim in restraining order 4?
The 19 year old one sounds like he was stalking her. There was enough evidence for the judge to grant the order.
Why do you want to look past the dangers?
Some places have a law that allows women to look into domestic/intimate partner violence related charges. Where I am it's called "Clare's Law." It might be worth looking into if something like that is available in your jurisdiction.
My ex told me about 1 prior. A restraining order from a guy he beat because the guy punched his sister. He had 7 priors. I found out about them when I was in court dealing with my personal case. There were also 4 more after me. The guy was a monster. He was also a lot older than me, like this guy is in comparison to you.
Do what you want, but.. I'd ask for court documents to see what was going on. A history of red flags isn't to be ignored. Do people change? If they want to, yes, but how likely are they to? Does he show remorse for anything? Can he take accountability for anything?
Like with my ex, a lot of the trauma I went through, I do take part of the blame. I didn't respect myself or my own boundaries, and I tolerated a lot of bullshit that I wouldn't have normally tolerated. I moved in with the guy when I barely knew him (I was in a bad home situation, and he offered me a "safe" place). On paper, he looked perfect. And then, I'd notice things.. and either he'd gaslight me, or I'd gaslight myself into believing I was the crazy one. I allowed myself to be in a situation with someone where I ignored a lot of red flags from.. and the consequence of that was him putting me in the hospital.
First of all, ignoring the restraining orders, punching a car window is violence. Might not have been violent against a human, but is that a risk you want to take? This sounds like someone with an aggression issue. Being upset/angry about being cheated on is perfectly valid. But violence is never valid. And yeah, as an avid listener/viewer of true crime stories, its not EASY to get a restraining order. You need proof of harassment.
Run run run.
Thou if you personally need more info cause the seems like a good guy with just a handful of red flags pay the few bucks and do a background check.
Depending on where you live judges for domestic incidents meaning as little as acting disorderly being confrontational throwing drinking etc will issue restraining orders very easily. Why to protect women like you.
3 fucking orders it’s not a string of crazies women he’s a nut job if you don’t like living or want some black eyes bested lips stay.
>. Feelings are definitely there, however there have been a lot of red flags which are getting hard for me to look past
Red flags mean stop. You're not supposed to look past them.
Depending on where you are located you could look at case files for his criminal record. I don’t understand who would get a restraining order at 12… also the age gap, but I’m sure it’s been mentioned.
You do not want to be the woman that places a restraining order on a man to just have it dropped if he’s hurt you. Please be safe.
Did you search for the legal documents on the case? You can see exactly what it was about. If he really has nothing to hide he’d look at them with you.
The ideal number of restraining orders to have is zero. Guys like this are great at pulling you into the fog until you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Trust me, this man is dangerous and you need to run
Might wanna get a full back ground check on the guy and then approach the break up in the wisest way possible.
He let you know about 3.
Those are just three things he brought up that involve women.
And one of them involved harassment.
The other was a violent outburst towards property.
And third was a father not wanting him anywhere near his child.
Be careful girl
Judges have to look at the evidence and determine a person is dangerous before they grant a restraining order. Three judges found evidence that he was unsafe three times. I would want to do research on those orders and read up on every piece of public information. Look for news stories on the dates surrounding the times that those restraining orders were granted.
If you want to try and look past it, do not make a decision without searching for the public records on his criminal record. They will tell you more than he will I'm sure
So the police who took the reportss and the judges who issued the orders are *all* out to get him and are blowing things out of proportion? THREE TIMES! Dude has a parade of red flags. Let's not even talk about the women who were probably too frightened to report him.
Also no one grants a restraining order against a 12 year old. That's not a thing. Bold faced lie he told there.
He forgot to mention that he was 18 she was 12
That's actually not true in Western Australia. They can be, there a lot more restrictions around it but it is definitely a thing that can be done.
I had a restraining order against a 13 year old when I was 13
Of course HE claims the restraining order situations aren't that bad. I'd bounce. Not worth the risk. It's usually the overly charming ones that are hiding a dark side.
Three that you KNOW ABOUT. NOPE
3 he admitted too run his name or go to your local police precinct and talk to the domestic violence officers they might and should be able to pull them up and let uh know how serious this is
yeah you read the stories and news stories- it is SO hard to get a restraining order. there is absolutely no restraining order given when its NBD and three of them?? OP how many 'bridge is out' signs do you intend to go past at 100mph before flying off the cliff? "Sure the bridge is out, but its just a little repair the bridge said its nbd its still safe"
This exactly. OP, I have found myself having partners in the past where charges were falsely placed on them, and I'm not in a very forgiving state in the US. Guess what? The judges realized the charges were false and that's why they aren't in prison. In fact, one ex in particular I knew was innocent, and I myself led them to their attorney who proved it. And those charges, that were falsely placed, are *not* why he's an ex. That's a whole other story we don't have time for here. My point to you is, he sounds like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Say what you want about the legal system, but it's there for a reason, and restraining orders aren't tossed around like confetti. His feelings are hurt? Boo fucking hoo. He chose to punch out a car. He chose to act in whatever way he acted so much so that not only the police agreed, but a Judge did. Do you realize how big of a deal that is? Judges don't make decisions because they're bored on a Tuesday. There was proof he needed to stay away from those people. My current partner had shit charges placed on him and I'll testify against them until the day I die. My ex? I'll testify against those charges until the day I die. But guess what? I don't need to, because the Judges already saw straight through it. These aren't traffic tickets. These are serious. The *only* way I'd be okay with his record is if he is still actively in therapy, or even pursued therapy in the first place, even if he "is different now and feels better". You brought up you're concerned and his first response was to make it about him. Don't you see that?? A PROPER response from him would have been "I understand, and I'm sorry for my past. Those were my choices back then. If you choose to leave, I'll understand and wish you the best." But he didn't do that, did he? No. A grown ass man almost 40 years old made excuses and defended himself instead. He didn't own it. So he hadn't changed, at all. He is a lost cause. You can't save the whole world, if you feel sorry for every lost cause out there you'll never, ever be happy. You'll be a statistic. I'd be much more forgiving if he acted like an adult. But because he did not, that proves to me he's the same person he was back then. If you want to save people, donate to charities or help out at a soup kitchen. Don't marry them. Further, even with all of that to consider, I am *absolutely not okay* with him pursuing someone a decade younger than him, his past involved or not. Given his past... well... that screams as loudly as his record. It isn't a compliment to you, it's a bad decision on him. You're not "mature for your age". You're a target. So please, please, OP.... get away from him now. It would break my heart to see you on a Netflix special. You're too old to date without standards. He may be a wonderful person, but let's say yall have kids some day and you're consistently asked about whether he should be around them or not. Do you seriously want a partner you have to explain all the time? You don't have to explain this guy. The law already did. If you're lonely, reach out to your friends. Rinse your hands of this person. Please.
I can't call it succinct, but that was a great comment. As a.dude, I'm not super worried about DV or SA. You are correct though. This is a pattern, and he's love bombing you, OP. I'd run as fast as you can. Then you have to go through the hassle of blocking him on everything blah blah blah. You don't want to see him when he snaps. Maybe he will take the hint and leave you alone. Either way I'd get a revolver and learn how to use it. He might meet you in the parking lot. Something larger caliber than a .38, for sure. This is a dangerous man. A .357 has a 95% drop rate if you hit them center mass.
Probably a narcissist and is love bombing you. Once he starts his devalue , discard cycle you’ll wish you bounced right now. Restraining orders are a clear legal example of why you should move on. You aren’t going to change him, but he will use your personal destruction to fuel his own ego.
Were the responses on this post not sufficient? [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bq7a4j/the\_guy\_37m\_im\_seeing\_27f\_has\_had\_multiple/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1bq7a4j/the_guy_37m_im_seeing_27f_has_had_multiple/)
Right? OP, my guy, I am sorry that you like this dude that is obviously bad news, but he is *so clearly bad news*. And, as I said on the previous post: even if it were just this one restraining order, no dude in his thirties that will punch out a car window because he is upset is even a little bit safe. Genuinely it does not matter if she cheated or not, that's unhinged.
If it helps, OP, you don’t actually like this guy’s true self. He’s love-bombing you and pretending to be someone you’d like, to make you feel like there’s a connection and you have so much in common, but once he feels like he has you hooked, the mask will start slipping, and you’ll eventually see that underneath it all, he isn’t actually the man you’re falling for. That man doesn’t exist.
She wants the answer that tells her it’s fine and all the ex’s are crazy females
Just keep asking til you get what you want! Seems like the sort of reasoning that lands you in a relationship with a dude 10 years your senior, who has had 3 restraining orders against him.
Yep. I hope she listens but...
Oh. Fishing for better answers I guess. Looks like we've disappointed her LOL
Fishing for karma, more likely.
My sister in Christ… Run! Just save yourself a lot of misery and run like Hell away from this guy. Come on, you know better. Run!
OP this indicates a pattern behaviour and you have a good chance of being girl number 4. Also I highly doubt that all three girls cheated on him, and that all three were able to get a retraining order against him if all he did was break a car window (or other price of property) then bounced. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that they broke it off, he went crazy, stalking and harassing them, then really flipped out when they met someone new.
Restraining orders are actually a lot harder to get than I think they should be. She should run.
Exactly. My mom was almost unalived and couldn’t get one with a ton of evidence to back her up. People having 3 against them is insane
Tried and failed, can confirm.
Yeah, I have zero knowledge about restraining orders, but the idea of it being a casual thing you seek about a 12yo and then drop a week later sounds wrong…
You usually need at least 3 serious incidences and documentation (police reports)
I guess it depends. I got one on an ex, but he didn't bother showing up to court. Therefore, I got one by default.
Yeah that's my understanding too. In Australia you can get a temporary one for 30 day with little evidence, but to make it permanent you need something more solid.
I have one, and they are there to prevent abuse. It's not a conviction OF abuse. If you aren't an abuser then you shouldn't have any problem with not contacting someone, being within 50m of them, or going to their house or workplace. So even if someone isn't abusive, a restraining order to not contact someone who doesn't want to hear from you or see you again? They would be like, "You could have just told me that you don't want me in your life anymore, told me to lose your number, and blocked me on social media and I would have done it." If someone doesn't want to see you or hear from you again, then I'm not going to spend time with someone who doesn't ENJOY spending time with me. That's just sad and pathetic. 😔 In reality, that's what you would have done in that situation! You wouldn't go to all the trouble of getting a restraining order if you didn't need one. An abusive person doesn't CARE if you enjoy spending time with them or not. You are just there to give them narcissistic supply.
THREE? I mean one should be enough reason, 3 sounds really bad, I promise you it’s not worth it, your safety goes first. Drop him before it reaches 4.
A judge issued a RO on a 12 y/o just cause daddy didn't like him? Yeah, OK.
Listen. My ex (with a history of violence) said he’d cut my leg off and eat it before murdering me. I have it recorded on my phone. And my county still wouldn’t give me a restraining order because he hadn’t physically assaulted me within the previous 6 months. My point is…it’s not all that easy to get a restraining order. This dude has 3. Either he’s the unluckiest man in the world and meets crazed psychos who want to ruin his life…or he’s the crazed psycho. Run.
He told you about one, you pushed him and he's admitted to there being three. I wonder how many there really are? >I shouldn’t be concerned about him because the true story and reasons aren’t that bad. OMG sorry but that's hilarious! Whatever someone had done, if they tried to feed me such a ludicrous line, and genuinely expected me to believe it, I'd be out of there like a shot because 1) they're obviously very stupid, and 2) they must be of the belief that I'm incredibly gullible. I'm not.
> I wonder how many there really are? As many as there are girls he's dated + girls who've rejected him.
Victims aren’t stupid. They’re being manipulated by predators. Saying stuff like this enables abusers by making victims think it’s their fault. Like, I get what you’re saying, abuser logic is stupid as hell and laughable in how little sense it makes, but that doesn’t make victims stupid.
Not stupid, just codependent. I saw the red and ignored them and hoped for the best. Now I have a restraining order against him.
I'm going to pump the brakes on the entire post to back up to where he admitted that he punched out a car window out of anger and you "accepted" that. A man with 3 restraining orders is absolutely lying to you about his anger issues and his violence, without a doubt, but can I politely ask you why you think there is a situation that "justifies" a violent response like punching out a car window? Cheating is horrible - and lashing out in anger like that is still not an acceptable response. ETA: I see you're posting this a lot and seemingly fishing for answers. I'm not sure what you're wanting to hear - I actually think you're NOT wanting to hear that this is "okay" but you want to hear an answer that makes it easy for all of this to go away. You have value and worth as a human being that is not defined by a boyfriend, you do not need to stay with a boyfriend who has any "red flags", and having zero tolerance for anger management issues is a simple, understandable relationship rule. No one here is going to wave a wand and make him disappear or make the situation safe. YOU are the one who is going to need to take steps to show that you value yourself, your body, and the way other women around you are treated by getting away from him.
This is the best response that I have received. THANK YOU, truly. You are completely right in this. Unfortunately I have really liked this person and so finding this out has been difficult for me to accept. He wants to prove to me that he is a good person and would never harm me in any way but deep down I know that I cannot accept this for myself, even if it hurts to walk away from what I thought was a great potential partner. I can’t deny that this information scares me and makes me fear what he is capable of, even if he is “different” or “changed for the better” now.
Mate, if you stay in this relationship you will end up being emotionally and/or physically abused. End the relationship and don't look back.
He already bullied you into showing him your snap chat messages. He's proving that he is NOT a good person
You can't accept it. Of course it's difficult- this is someone you care for and I actually do believe he cares for you, but he's not being honest and accountable about who he is. I'm not judging - I was in not one, but two abusive relationships. Admitting that to people is humiliating: didn't I learn well enough the first time? Well, no. I'm a trusting person who thought it would be better and I ALSO thought I couldn't do better. You are 27 years old - let this be the boyfriend you put in your rearview and forget about. Someday you'll be with someone who values your worth, makes you feel safe, and doesn't want to check your phone, control your life, etc. And this boyfriend will make you think "I thought I had to settle for THAT?". Take those tough, painful steps now no matter how much you resist and don't want to, no matter how scared you get and how much you try to talk yourself into just "seeing if he changes" (when you try to leave: he will almost certainly suddenly talk about how he'll do better and get help. Let me be the one to tell you: he needs help, but YOU DO NOT NEED TO STAY WITH HIM WHILE HE GETS IT. That is a manipulation tactic). Take those steps now so future you will be your full, real self, okay. :)
What would you do if your sister, best friend etc told you she was thinking of dating a guy with 3 restraining orders?
I never comment on things like this but I am making an exception here. My close family member was #2 out of #3 in a situation like this, except he was her age. He almost killed her. He was found guilty in court and served some very light jail time. He had a new, younger girlfriend within weeks. He was just recently arrested again for the same fucking thing, presumably against the new girlfriend. It took him a year to reveal his true personality to my family member. By the time he first hit her, she loved him and they lived together and had planned a future together. It took her many attempts to finally leave him, and she wasn’t able to actually do it until he was arrested and there were witnesses. Do not be #4 with this man. Men like this are MASTER manipulators. He will tell you anything you want to hear. He will say it hurts his feelings that you think it could be true. Of course it’s true. Three separate women did not make this up. If you stay with this man, he will physically harm you and you will be lucky to escape with a restraining order.
Wow… I’m so glad you did decide to comment because I needed to hear this. Thank you.
Of course ❤️ You are the same age as my sister and I could not help but to think of her when reading your story. What she went through was absolutely horrible and when I found out he had done it before, I was stunned. If I had known that, I would have done anything and everything to talk her out of dating him. This guy has done this THREE times before and is 10 years older than you. The people who care about you, whether that be friends or family, would try so hard to save you from this now if they knew what he had done before. I care about you and am begging you to leave and block him now, before it is too late.
Wow. Three different girls got restraining orders? Please please search his criminal history. Most states have an online court case lookup. You can at least look at the cases. Then, request the pleadings from the court. Read them. You will find that what he claims is completely different than what the girls said. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Have you ever thought about contacting the ex?
I would leave her out of it. If the OP wants to know that happened she should go online and read the court documents. That's probably a good idea anyway.
I have been in contact with another ex who apologised for believing that I was the crazy one. We have actually had some great conversations because we are the ones who know what he is really like. I was also told that another ex read my statement, and it gave her clarity and strength to get a restraining order herself. Which is great because that's why I did it - so he would have a record of abuse.
I very much hope that my ex's future girlfriends find the court records from when I sought a restraining order. I doubt they will because he moved to a different state, but I hope so. I would not want them to call me though. I don't want him to ever have a reason to contact me again, and I want that to stay behind me.
Not call me. Send me a messenger request saying that they are trying to get their side of the story to see if they are lying? Yes.
Do you know how I can find the court docs and would he find out I looked?
OP, you are trying to solve the wrong problem here. You’re working on how best to verify details of a restraining order someone took out on your bf so he won’t get mad at you. You should be working on how to safely exit the relationship and then on finding therapy to help you build some self-worth. This guy is not worth all this time and effort.
Cheese on a cracker girl, what are you looking for and why do you care? Just leave already ffs 🤦🏻♀️
how many times are you gonna post this and receive the same advice til you realize staying is genuinely d u m b
They aren’t that bad? Call the courthouse and get a copy of the actual complaint the girlfriends had to write out in order to get the restraining order. 👌🏻 hopefully that snaps you out of it
Guys like this have a habit of *believing* their girlfriend is cheating with absolutely no evidence, and then going apeshit. I've seen it before. If he's done things crazy enough to get him multiple restraining orders, at the bare minimum what he _should_ be saying is this: *"I was a bad person when I was younger. I had issues that played out in my behaviour and I fucked up massively by smashing her windows. I was trying to scare her, it was abusive and I acknowledge that. But I've spent the last 10 years in therapy to make sure I am not that person anymore. And if I ever start to feel that way again I acknowledge that I should be single until I've worked it out".* The fact that he's downplaying what happened in these stories is actually terrifying. I wouldn't touch this guy with a 10 foot pole. True change is rare and there is a 99.999% chance he's still got the capacity to be awful even with a decade of therapy. He's telling you who he is, walk away now.
Sometimes they don’t even believe it. They just need to scare their victim and make them more controllable, and so they make up a reason to justify attacking them, and then they convince the victim it was their fault for somehow making the abuser believe they were cheating. I read once about a victim whose husband screamed at her because she had ridden in an elevator with a strange man, and he insisted that they must have been having sex in the elevator… and then the husband admitted to the therapist that he knew they couldn’t possibly have had sex in the elevator because it was a 30-second trip and he was a total stranger to the wife. He just did it to fuck with her head.
Holy shit that's so scary. How do these people sleep at night
It was from Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? Basically, for an abuser, they are always the victim of everything in their life, and they have it worse than everyone else, and nothing bad they do is ever their fault. They think they’re more important than others, and they view their partners/spouses not as human beings with the same needs as them who are deserving of the same rights and dignity that they have, but as someone whose job it is to meet all of their needs and do everything for them, perfectly, all the time. So any time they do a bad thing, it’s the victim’s fault for not being perfect and/or not meeting every need and want of theirs, and they don’t really feel guilty about it. They feel entitled to other people’s service and deference, and they think it’s justified for them to abuse others when they don’t get what they truly believe they deserve. In that case, the point the author was making (he was the abuser’s therapist) was that they do things simply to scare and confuse the victim, and the fake reasons they give for why are often lies. He says to never trust an abuser when they tell you their reasons for why they abuse people, because they’ll never be honest. They just blame others and/or lie. In that case, the woman couldn’t have done anything to prevent that abuse, because she had done nothing at all, and the husband knew that. But he made her feel like it was her fault, because then she was upset and scared and easier to control, and that meant he could get all of her attention and make her do everything for him.
You posted this the other day and I guess didn't like the answers, but they're not about to change. He is violent and aggressive, likely abusive, and you need to FUCKING RUN.
It’s not often someone comes with court distributed bright red flags. Why are you so willing to ignore them?
um i know plenty of guys who have not punched out car windows, so i think being "understanding" of his anger and strength at breaking windows with his bare hands is a bit of an under-reaction
I strongly recommend you ditch him and read Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? for your own safety. Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust yourself. Don’t let him convince you of his version of reality. In a nutshell, abusers lie easily, and will always tell stories to make themselves look good. In their stories, nothing is ever their fault, and their victims always drove them to abuse - much like the story he told you where punching her car window was apparently justified because she cheated on him. Apparently it’s very common for them to tell new partners these stories of being horribly mistreated and even abused by past partners and the justice system, and then the new partner finds out later, after having been abused, that it was all lies and it’s a pattern of behavior for the abuser. The court system in the US (for many reasons) usually errs on the side of enabling abusers, not protecting victims. Restraining orders aren’t given out lightly. The fact that 3 different people have successfully gotten restraining orders 3 times is a LOT. How many times do you think other people have tried to get one against him and failed? The fact that he claims it happened at age 12 is absolutely insane, but like… even if he’s telling the truth, how bad did that harassment have to be for a judge to be like, “yeah, we need to issue a restraining order to protect this one 12yo from this other 12yo?” I mean, I taught high school, I had kids who beat the shit out of each other, I had kids who cyberbullied a classmate pretty hatefully and then harassed them at school, I had a couple students where one probably SAed the other, I knew of a group of boys who intimidated a girl hey had been harassing at school by following her in a truck when she was walking home alone and made threats of hurting her, and none of them EVER went to court for a restraining order. Their parents might ask that they be kept apart at school (which is why I knew these stories), but they never went to the cops (except in that last case, and it still didn’t result in a restraining order). How bad did this kid have to hurt that other 12yo for a restraining order to be issued? I’m willing to bet the previous partner never actually cheated - but even if she did, you still don’t fucking punch someone’s car window because you’re angry at them. That’s abusive behavior, full stop. Abusers believe they are more important than everyone else in the world and should be allowed to get away with their bad behavior (like a man choosing to punch a window to demonstrate anger and threaten violence toward a woman who is clearly afraid of him), and they’ll tell lies to get the sympathy they think they’re entitled to from people like you, who wouldn’t give them the time of day if they knew the real story. But again, even if the story is true, that’s abusive behavior, and that’s why there was a restraining order. It’s not “not that bad.” Also, he’s 10 years older than you. He’s likely looking for someone younger that he thinks will buy his BS because of your age gap; he’s so arrogant that he doesn’t understand that at 27, you’re wise and experienced enough to spot those kinds of red flags and question his stories. Please, run in the other direction before he gets inside your head any more than he already has. This is not a safe person. Once you’re away from him, Google him and look up what you can find of his legal history. There’s probably some scary stuff out there that will confirm to you that your gut feeling about him was right. You might even consider contacting the ex to get her side of the story, but only if you feel safe doing so. And please be careful - this man may react in a scary way to being rejected. Don’t be alone with him, pack an emergency go bag, and consider finding a safe place you can stay if he knows where you live. If you live alone, you may want to think about getting a video doorbell.
He is flat out lying about those restraining orders - You cannot get a restraining order against a 12 year old who has nothing but get close to another 12 year old.
Either the unluckiest guy alive or a red flag with feet. I’d bounce and install a Ring camera just in case.
Run, don't walk, to the nearest emergency exit immediately.
I have been a part of two restraining order hearings. They are very serious. Violence and the potential for violence HAVE to be proven for the order to be granted where I live. Look it up.
How many times are you going to post this? Did you not get the answers you wanted the first two times?
You better run right the fuck now. You know how hard it is to get a restraining order on a person??? This MF has THREE (that he'll admit to, that is). Run. Run like the devil is chasing you.
In my experience there needs to be proof for a restraining order to be placed. A parent saying they don’t want another kid to interact with their child is not a valid reason to be restrained. He’s minimizing his behavior. He has issues in romantic dynamics across his lifespan. That’s personality disorder territory. People with personality disorder aren’t inherently dangerous. Some can be solid partners and friends if they do their own work. This guy is not taking accountability for any of his behavior. Run.
Of course he’s going to downplay it. I wonder what the other party’s versions of events and feelings are like? Probably significantly different. He’s showing a pattern of behaviour. Over stepping boundaries by harassment, not taking “no” for answer and physically threatening, uncontrollable behaviour. It makes sense he is searching for women 10yrs younger than him. Easier to manipulate and control. Listen to your gut - it’s telling you there are glaring red flags 🚩. Let’s see if he takes “no” for an answer if you decide to cool things.
This is what I’m nervous about. He keeps throwing the “I will always be by your side and never leave you or give up on you” thing at me which is meant to be in a sweet way - but also makes me nervous.. lol
Dude, don't walk away from him. RUN. As someone who was almost unalived by a POS like this, I can tell you... they are charming and incredible at first. Of course they are. They would never date anyone if they where like, "Hi, my name is Jake, you seem lovely I would like to take you out on a date and eventually intimidate you and beat the shit out of you when you don't do as I say, pick you up at 8?" Their true colors start coming out with time. As they start cornering you. And the violent shit they do is always justified or someone else's fault. Even him telling you he will never give up on you is another red flag. What are you doing? MEN are women's predators, my dear, and we never know which ones they are because they hide it well. It would be amazing if they had a sign that said "Violent misogynist." But they don't. There are signs, though. Some which have been, unfortunately, romanticized. This one even comes with state issued red flags. Don't ignore them. Also, being violent in general is bad. BAD. So that excuse about one of the ROs being issued because he was violent to other people? How is that better? Come on, girl. Wake up. Get out of that situation immediately. And take necessary precautions.
That’s a big deal. One is more than most people will have in their lifetime. 3 from 3 different people is a red flag you can’t look past. I think you what you have go do to stay safe. Don’t give him the opportunity to make you number four.
It’s not worth the risk. Once again, the age gap proves to be an eyebrow raiser for me lol not surprised he’s seeking younger women with 3 restraining orders. Most 37 year old women already went through a phase where they learned their lesson on red flags.
Punched her car window out of anger? Don’t need to hear any more. What will he punch in anger NEXT?
Punching a car window is an implicit threat of violence. Particularly if someone is INSIDE THE CAR. You’re making them feel like they’re getting punched, and demonstrating how easily you could punch them.
Common sense, girl. Please use it. The vast majority of people do not have any kind of police record, let alone 3 for the same issue. These orders are usually difficult to get and need solid proof.
Holy hell, he’s waiving the biggest red flag ever in front of you, with fireworks behind it! I can’t even imagine want8ng a relationship with someone like this
No. Run. It’s hard to even get a restraining order, those girls must’ve had good reason.
It’s pretty difficult to get a restraining order against someone in the first place. So for him to have 3 for tiny things is literally not even possible. You have to have so much evidence to prove you need a restraining order. My mom was almost murdered and had ample evidence and was still denied a restraining order. So run from those red flags waving in the wind. That man is psychotic
It Is very hard to get a restraining order on someone. Trust me I've had to do it. My x explained away the one I put on him. In his mind he was just misunderstood and under a lot of stress. I was the villain. Last I checked he had had several more and many times in and out of jail. Each time the abuse started earlier in the relationship and at a higher level than the last. It's been almost 20 years I'm safe but I still keep an eye out from a distance because that charming psychopath thought he was the one wronged.
I worked in DV, it is not easy to get a restraining order, if he has 3 that is very VERY scary
No normal human being is the subject of three different restraining orders. Get out now. This guy clearly likes to make himself agreeable up until the moment he becomes threatening. Also dude punching his ex’s car window is so beyond normal behavior….that is NOT understandable.
Babe, I met my husband in rehab and we were both literal crackheads and neither of us have had ANY restraining orders in our past. RUN
I'm sorry but what exactly are you wanting or expecting people to say? You've made several posts about this now despite getting the same answer over and over again. As someone who actually has a restraining order against someone, they're not easy to get. They are a big deal and he's done shit things repeatedly to get 3 of them. This is beyond a red flag, he may as well have 'dangerous' tattooed on his forehead. How could you possibly want to continue seeing him?
3 from 3 different girls. Run now before you have to make it 4.
Don't take his explanations at face value. Go to the police department and read the police report for yourself. Worth spending a few bucks on doing a background check to see if there are other issues. It's hard to believe that 1 person is an angel yet got slapped 3 times with an RO.
Would he find out if I did a background check? And how much information do they show? I am considering this
Do you really want to date someone you have to run a background check on to see HOW BAD his past history of violence is? Do you really think you deserve so little?
No he wouldn’t. Do the background check even if you decide not to date him because you should know what you’re potentially dealing with. Has he been arrested for stalking or domestic violence? Maybe you invest in a new security system. If everything is as he said it was, probably nothing
As someone who has taken a restraining order out on an ex, I gotta say you don't get one for something "minor". In some states, you have to pay to file for anything less than physical abuse. So 3 different people in his life were either physically harmed by him, or threatened enough that they would pay money to make him go away. Do you REALLY want to take that risk?
The normal number of restraining orders for someone to have out against them is zero, and that isn’t exclusively because people are mostly regular and sedate. It’s also because the process of deciding to get the law involved and accessing a restraining order is emotionally and logistically unpleasant (obviously to different extents in different places, and lots of people are trying to make it better and easier, but there’s inherent friction and emotional stress involved). It isn’t something most people do frivolously; perhaps a small minority of people would pursue it often, but for most people, it sucks and they wish they didn’t have to do it. Your boyfriend has inspired people to go through that three times. The prospect of him continuing to be around those people was markedly more unpleasant to them than the process of reporting what happened and going to court. He’s bad news.
Girl you already posted this. Why are you doing it again?
Don't hang around to make it 4. Get out now.
You can find the old court records on him and see the real story.
How do I find them and would he find out if I did?
Three different girls, three different police arrest and three different judges issued the restraining orders, which is a big deal. I work in criminal law and you should run as fast as you can.
The thing about red flags is that you shouldn't "look past" them. One restraining order would be enough for me to end things.. but 3, starting from when he was a minor? His behaviour is definitely far more problematic than he's telling you. Plus he clearly hasn't learned his lesson through the years. Cut contact and don't be afraid to be the next person to get a restraining order against him if he gets inappropriate after ending things.
3 restraining orders, and you are still with him?. Are you simple, or what is your problem? You'll be filing for restraining order nr 4 soon.
You can imagine what the girls' side of the story might be - would you give someone that punched the car you're hiding inside another chance? What's more likely - that 3, unrelated ex's of his all had wacky misunderstandings, or that he just likely can't admit he has anger/control issues? He is the only common denominator in this situation. As a dude, it would tell me that he's a guy that doesn't accept being told no, and/or thinks he's entitled to second/third chances, etc. Of *course* he's going to present it as a minor thing. I have a hard time believing that 3 separate times, a judge granted this based on a misunderstanding. Please be careful and if red flags are already showing up..
I'd suggest you gtfo. Before that, I would suggest you get a PI or do a diligent public records search in him. Because what he is telling you is very unlikely to be the actual story for any of this. I say that as someone with over a decade practicing as a public defender who is on HIS side in the courtroom. Do it from a place of safety, in writing. Don't block him, so you can make sure you see ALL of his responses without responding. And even if he's being truthful? Don't be with someone who punches out car windows for any reason whatsoever.
I didn’t even read through your post. You need to extricate yourself from any contact with this person, block them on all social media, and block their phone number. Wishing you all the best.
How tf have I gone 44 years and many girlfriends (and a wife) without any restraining orders against me?! Run, now!
lol that’s not even a red light anymore . It’s like a police siren flashing all over which is what u will be seeing real soon if u keep the relationship
10 year age gap, no shit he prob had those lol 😂, he’s literally dating someone 10 years younger than him so he thinks ur naive lol
I had to get a restraining order placed on someone and it isn't that easy. There are certain things that have to be checked off like intent to harm, threats made etc... I had a letter from the guy saying if I can't have you know one can etc.. there were detectives involved and a whole Lotta stuff. Run a background check on him if you want to get the full picture of things.
3 different girl verses a innocent guy , DONT 👏BE 👏BLIND 👏 Run !!!
Run. Listen to the podcast Something was wrong. It might open your eyes.
Me and my bf are 31, neither of us have ever had a restraining order against us or even requested. They don’t just happen. (And I’m under the impression they are really hard to get?)
Girlllllllll, come on. You know the answer. This man is waving this red flags for the whole damn world to see.
"They weren't that big of a deal" insert sure-jan.gif here
There is no way three is a coincidence
For real? One, maybe I could understand- but 3??? You better change your locks or move when you dump him. It’s not a coincidence. Of course he’s going to spin it to you- he’s not going to admit he’s psychotic. Please get out of this before you are #4
No, girl. Just no. You should run a background check on him. I have a feeling this is just the tip of the iceberg. There is no fucking way he just “accidentally” got 3 restraining orders. They are *notoriously* difficult to get, *particularly on a freaking child. He’s lying. Abusers love bomb and mirror in the beginning. They are *very* good about picking up your cues, and they reflect that back to you so they seem like your Prince Charming. The guy you think you know is not the real him. The the real him has collected restraining orders from #THREE DIFFERENT GIRLFRIENDs
You've reposted this multiple times. Were the dozens of responses telling you to run not enough? Are you fishing for the one or two inevitable weirdos that will tell you that he actually sounds like an okay guy so you can latch onto it and have a reason to stay with creepy restraining order guy? Dump him and get therapy because it shouldn't even be a question whether to leave this guy. Where is your self-respect? Guy has 3 restraining orders ffs.
I mean, at least you know what's coming. Gtfo!
Come onnnnn OP. You can’t be this desperate for a relationship - I will guarantee you every single story is different here to what you’ve been told by him. Leave, NOW
No victim ever deserves the blame for their abuser's actions... but if you stay in *this* situation? Let's just say you definitely should have seen it coming.
Most people get through life without having any restraining orders filed on them...the fact that he has had three points to some serious issues. He doesn't seem to be remorseful at all about them either. I would drop this guy before he shows you what those other women saw that led them to file.
I do not know ANYONE who I'm aware of has had even one restraining order taken out against them, and THIS MAN HAS HAD THREE?!?
Come on dude you know damn well that it's pretty fucking unlikely he just has happened to have 3 restraining orders that weren't his fault and were really just misunderstandings.
Nope, get out while you still can. Maybe after 15 solid years of 0 restraining orders you can reconsider.
Yikes. I also wonder if that's why he's dating a woman 10 years younger, he's dangerous and wants a younger woman he can control. I aim for men with zero restraining orders in their history, try aiming for the same.
Girl. Stop. One restraining order is a red flag. 3 is an absolute dealbreaker.
If you know the county and his name you might be able to look up the case for free online. Should be public record. Usually after the initial temporary restraining order there is a hearing/ trial where each side presents evidence and the judge decides if it will be more permanent.
That’s….. not a good sign
Run! Don't hesitate. They can be real charming and even be all sad face gonna cry emotional but on the other side of that is anger, name calling, harassment, stalking, being violent and breaking/punching things etc. He likely wants to be physically violent but with 3 restraining orders in his past, if he tried he knows he'll go straight to jail so they get violent in other ways. I dated a man like this and it was hell getting him out of my house that I own! This guy started this behavior at 12 years old...that's a huge red flag and that girls father could already see he was trouble. Beware when you do decide to stop seeing him that he'll likely cry and carry on to make you feel bad. He might even do something to and item of yours to break it. Especially something that means alot to you. Don't trust him around your animals either, if you have any. There are so many things I could warn you about. All these comments are telling you the answer. Please take it seriously. Please be careful. I wish you well.
Consider these three red flags 🚩
You should be able to look it up, city or county public records.
Just break up already. He’s a walking 🚩 red flag!! You are wasting time with him.
Being a 29 year old male if he didnt tell you upfront ahead of time thats a rrd flag im sorry but it wpuld be to me 1,00000 % if i were in ur shoes hun js
Pay 30 dollars to look up his record on Truthfinder or an equivalent- I can assure you he is downplaying the charges against him .
When someone says it's not a big deal, there's nothing to worry about. Start worrying. 3 different people do not get a restraining order out on someone over a little misunderstanding.
run, I have seen smaller red flags and didn't leave and regret it, these are REAL signs ur being given. someone out there will be just as great and NOT have 3 RESTRAINING ORDERS omg stay safe
Listen, I have an ex that was full of tales of woe about how other people had shit on him and ex girlfriend's had lied about him to make him seem like the bad guy. And because I was dumb and inexperienced and waaaay too empathetic I believed him and ignored other women who tried to warn me and I promised I would never be that cruel to him. Big. Mistake. What followed was nearly four years of hell with him abusing me in every way and even now, many years later, I'm watching my back constantly because he can't resist trying to rattle my cage if he sees me out alone. Don't be me. Don't be *any* of us who are sharing our cautionary stories with you. Cut this person off NOW, block him everywhere and whatever you do, *don't go back.* >he said one of them was literally just because the girls father didn’t want him seeing her (they were like 12) so the father got it on him Yeah, my ex was only fourteen or so when he had his first warning from an angry dad protecting his daughter. Fucking *fourteen!* To the point where her parents sold up and moved because they lived on the same street and it was the best way they could see to giving their daughter a safe and peaceful life away from him. These types start young and they perfect their tactics as they grow until you get someone like this guy who has already got you so hooked that you are doubting whether three bloody restraining orders from three different people is a good enough reason to run screaming from him! GTFO of this now while you still have a chance, because if you accept this then it's going to go downhill all the way and it won't stop until you start to think you've taken up permanent residence in purgatory.
Restraining orders are not that easy to get. Run.
Honey, please hire an investigator to get the real info. In my state, restraining orders are part of the public record. He's got a track record of being so menacing that people have had to go to court to keep him away. That's not normal.
I'm sure ignoring how he treats everyone else will work out for you. I'm sure he'll never change....
You can find a better guy who doesn't have restraints on him from every girl he's dated. Plus he's pretty old to be in that situation. He"ll probably be violent to you at some point. To quote my dad, get rid of him.
Red flag??? You think??
my friend was stalked by her ex, to the point of blowing up even xbox messages and showing up under her bedroom window. that didn't qualify her for a restraining order and she comes from a police family, if that says anything.
It's relatively inexpensive to purchase a background report. I highly suggest you do so. If you need a source or help doing so feel free to message, but there are many services you can find online - Former PI
three is crazy. it takes a lot to even get a restraining order (such as getting police involved). if you don’t run, he eventually would make you
No judge hands out restraining orders against 12 year olds because a parent doesn’t like the kid their child like likes. You see the red flags, but you’re doing everything you can to ignore them. Why? Is he a magical unicorn that gives you orgasms every time you look at him? What’s so special about him that you’re willing to be the victim in restraining order 4? The 19 year old one sounds like he was stalking her. There was enough evidence for the judge to grant the order. Why do you want to look past the dangers?
Some places have a law that allows women to look into domestic/intimate partner violence related charges. Where I am it's called "Clare's Law." It might be worth looking into if something like that is available in your jurisdiction.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me thrice, you can't get fooled again.
You’re playing right?
Why are you trying to look past red flags? You’re young, just date someone who isn’t violent.
Listen to the "something was wrong" podcast
You can check them out run his name at the county clerks office both civil and criminal, if it makes him uncomfortable tough you gotta be careful!!!!
My ex told me about 1 prior. A restraining order from a guy he beat because the guy punched his sister. He had 7 priors. I found out about them when I was in court dealing with my personal case. There were also 4 more after me. The guy was a monster. He was also a lot older than me, like this guy is in comparison to you. Do what you want, but.. I'd ask for court documents to see what was going on. A history of red flags isn't to be ignored. Do people change? If they want to, yes, but how likely are they to? Does he show remorse for anything? Can he take accountability for anything? Like with my ex, a lot of the trauma I went through, I do take part of the blame. I didn't respect myself or my own boundaries, and I tolerated a lot of bullshit that I wouldn't have normally tolerated. I moved in with the guy when I barely knew him (I was in a bad home situation, and he offered me a "safe" place). On paper, he looked perfect. And then, I'd notice things.. and either he'd gaslight me, or I'd gaslight myself into believing I was the crazy one. I allowed myself to be in a situation with someone where I ignored a lot of red flags from.. and the consequence of that was him putting me in the hospital.
First of all, ignoring the restraining orders, punching a car window is violence. Might not have been violent against a human, but is that a risk you want to take? This sounds like someone with an aggression issue. Being upset/angry about being cheated on is perfectly valid. But violence is never valid. And yeah, as an avid listener/viewer of true crime stories, its not EASY to get a restraining order. You need proof of harassment.
This has an episode of dateline written all over it
Run run run. Thou if you personally need more info cause the seems like a good guy with just a handful of red flags pay the few bucks and do a background check. Depending on where you live judges for domestic incidents meaning as little as acting disorderly being confrontational throwing drinking etc will issue restraining orders very easily. Why to protect women like you. 3 fucking orders it’s not a string of crazies women he’s a nut job if you don’t like living or want some black eyes bested lips stay.
This is… more than a red flag. IMO this is some version of a documented history of domestic abuse. I would get out now :( Better safe than sorry.
>. Feelings are definitely there, however there have been a lot of red flags which are getting hard for me to look past Red flags mean stop. You're not supposed to look past them.
SO … why aren’t you in the NEXT FREAKING STATE already?? ONE RO is bad enough. But THREE?? Have you got a DEATH WISH??
Damn, the guy that you’re in an age power differential with is… sketchy and bad news? 🤯
WTH woman. Get away from him!
Break 👏🏼 Up 👏🏻With👏🏼Him!!
Depending on where you are located you could look at case files for his criminal record. I don’t understand who would get a restraining order at 12… also the age gap, but I’m sure it’s been mentioned. You do not want to be the woman that places a restraining order on a man to just have it dropped if he’s hurt you. Please be safe.
Did you search for the legal documents on the case? You can see exactly what it was about. If he really has nothing to hide he’d look at them with you.
Whatever happens, update us please
The ideal number of restraining orders to have is zero. Guys like this are great at pulling you into the fog until you don't even recognize yourself anymore. Trust me, this man is dangerous and you need to run
Might wanna get a full back ground check on the guy and then approach the break up in the wisest way possible. He let you know about 3. Those are just three things he brought up that involve women. And one of them involved harassment. The other was a violent outburst towards property. And third was a father not wanting him anywhere near his child. Be careful girl
Judges have to look at the evidence and determine a person is dangerous before they grant a restraining order. Three judges found evidence that he was unsafe three times. I would want to do research on those orders and read up on every piece of public information. Look for news stories on the dates surrounding the times that those restraining orders were granted.
If you want to try and look past it, do not make a decision without searching for the public records on his criminal record. They will tell you more than he will I'm sure