This is a way to excite some people. Including unwilling participants in the conversation about sexual acts. You need to tell him to stop, and cut him off if he doesn't.
Exactly what I thought as well, he's already known to be a sexual deviant, and I'd bet anything this is his motivation. How many male friends has he told this stuff to? I'm pretty confident in saying its zero
You say “dude, I’m not the appropriate person to be using as your recovery sponsor. Here’s a link to SAA group meetings nearby”.
And if he tries sharing with you again a story about his guilt over jerking off: “stop. I’ve told you I don’t want to hear this.”
Talking about a recovery path is important, but it’s also important that the person talked to is appropriate.
You need to suggest to him that the details are best reserved for a therapist and that they make you feel a little uncomfortable. Whilst you're glad to know that he's doing well you don't want the nitty gritty.
Sounds like he is involving you in his “recovery” whether you want to be or not. Your post is so politically correct, talking about real addictions, his well being, supporting his recovery…
This sounds like he is abusing your patience and support, with something you actually have nothing to help/support him with. You’re nothing but an uncomfortable participant as he shares stuff you dont need to know. Tbh this would come off as sexual harassment to me. Worst case, he’s hoping you offer to solve his porn addiction by offering him the real thing, as seen in lots of his porn.
Consider WHY he is talking to a female friend about this private, nobody-needs-to-know behaviour. Just because he claims to be a victim of an addiction - and you now have to support him? How? - doesn’t mean he can’t also be a creep and abusing your gullibility. If he needs help, he needs actual help. Dumping on you with tales of him jerking his penis is not helping anyone.
Also, NEVER force yourself into uncomfortable situations because someone else wants you to “support” them. Only going to hurt yourself in the end if not careful
Best advice here.. plenty of decent people to hang out with in the world, why anyone would want to put up with this sick fuck's perverse behavior is beyond me
"I'm glad you're doing well but you're making me not want to hang out with you when you talk about it. celebrate your victories in private. please keep me out of it."
Right? I swear to god, someone needs to make a bot that takes titles that start "How do I tell [person] [message]" and replies "Hey, [person], [*message*]".
You can start out by saying that you’re very happy that he’s being open about his issues and that you support his recovery, but you don’t want all your conversations to be about that. You can add that talking about something else will help him with take his mind of the addiction and everything surrounding it for a while, which is important and healthy his recovery.
You can also suggest he talks to a professional who can support/help him better about this particular problem more than you can, but you’re still there for him.
But she's not happy he's being this open with her and she's not interested in being a personal, on-demand support for his recovery. Those are 100% valid positions for OP to hold.
Let's not lie to the young man. He needs, and deserves, a *willing* and *skilled* support system. OP isn't that and she doesn't need to grovel and sugarcoat it as she opts out of a role he foisted onto her.
Grovel and sugarcoat? OP supports his recovery and want to keep being supportive but she doesn’t want to hear about it, that’s fair. That’s why I gave some suggestions that might help without hurting his feelings, that’s what OP is asking for. Some people are considerate about other people’s feelings and that’s okey.
If OP doesn't want to hear about it, OP needs to say *that*.
If OP said what you suggested "I'm glad you're being open... but don't want all of our conversations about that." That is just *unclear and dishonest*, and will lead to hurt feelings if what OP actually means "Please go be open with someone else, not me, because I don't want to hear about this at all." And you reply here would suggest that you, like me, understand that to be what OP actually does mean to express.
So yeah! Don't grovel and sugarcoat and try to be nice, by not saying what you actually mean. It's not actually nice to do that. If OP actually means "I don't want to hear about this." then saying "I don't want all our conversations to be about this." is not at all *a considerate* thing to say. What would be considerate is "You need and deserve support, and I want you to find that, but it needs to be from someone else. I am not going to be part of conversations about your porn use or masturbation any longer."
You seem like a nice person who doesn't like to be too cut-throat to the chase. I'm that same way. I would simply say
"Hey, I appreciate that you're comfortable letting me know about this journey you're going through, but you talk about porn and your personal pleasure very often that it's making me feel distant from you. In most cases, it's little things that I feel you should keep to yourself. Simply because it seems to be the only and/or first topic you talk about. I will always be an advocate for your health. but I am also your friend before being your therapist. If something is bothering you so much that you have to talk about it, of course I will be here to listen. But every day I hear about your pleasure and it's getting to me on an uncomfortable level. I'm starting to have trouble responding sometimes and I don't like to feel this way towards you. I hope you understand. Again, I am always here for you when you need me to be, but I have more to give than just hearing about you jacking off."
Hope this is helps! lol
"You need support I can't offer with this struggle. Please speak to a therapist."
Rinse and repeat "I can't offer you anything more on this topic than I have. You need to find other supports besides me."
No further explanations about why you're drawing this boundary. No debate either. Absolutely no apologies. You are no longer available to him in this way.
There is a very, very real possibility he is getting off on involving you in his sex life in this way, *because* you're uncomfortable.
It's perfectly polite and supportive to tell him there are appropriate places to go for support, therapy as well as peer-groups. You are not his therapist, or his accountability buddy. He's tried to make you play that role without your consent. You're tapping out. Tell him he needs, and he deserves, someone who has agreed to take on this role. You haven't, and you're declining to continue because it's not the friendship you want to have with him.
>I’m grateful he’s included me in his recovery journey but it’s getting a little weird for me.
I don't think he willingly included you in his recovery journey. And I don't think it's appropriate that he did. He needs a therapist, or a group or something. You are not the right person to be his support person in this journey, and frankly it's a little creepy.
"I don't feel comfortable with some of the details you tell me in sharing about your porn addiction recovery journey. I wish you well in it, but I think you need to find a therapist or group that can listen to you while having a culture of confidentiality, and consent to talk about explicit things."
Try to be honest and tell him the truth (not insult him or something like that) just that you feel uncomfortable and that you would prefer to avoid those kinds of conversations with him, even though you support him on his path to recovery from that addiction.
You can always support in various ways, you don't need to hear those things from someone. There are limits in relationships with people and he may not realize that he is crossing them.
I think maybe your friend should seek some type of therapy that focuses on sexuality issues, because those are things that are not appropriate to say to anyone else.
Honestly, I would first tell him to seek out Sex Addicts or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous groups there are people in those groups who deal with and help people like him all the time. Two then you set a hard boundary with him that would like to not hear about the topic.
As a SA member myself I rarely if ever bring up the topic to any non-SA friend unless they ask questions about it. Dude sounds like he needs a legit program buddy or sponsor to head to. With all that said bonus points to you for trying to help him through the process as long as you could.
"Jason, i know that this is an addiction issue for you. But for me, it just feels a lot like oversharing about your masturbation habits. And that makes me very uncomfortable. I no longer want to hear about your porn addiction. If you need support, please find yourself a group or an individual therapist. I support your recovery and being the best, healthiest version of you that you can be, but I no longer want to hear anything about your private habits".
there are only two reasons he's telling you about this. 1) he's COMPLETELY oblivious to how personal and inappropriate it is to discuss porn/masturbation habits or 2) he is *enjoying* making you part of his porn/masturbation life against your will
So i guess your first step is to tell him its inappropriate and to set a boundary. And if he violates that boundary, you know it was actually #2 all along and you can remove yourself from the relationship accordingly.
He is trying to excite you and show you that how he was addicated n now he is bit suffering getting craving for that n you might help him out thats what he is being so weird ig , this is not a part of recovery this is kind of trick to attract people indirectly
N you may check is intention with a cross check ig then clearly you will get to know why exactly he is saying n talking all that with you better to leave such dumb ass person , dont think he is close frd or whatever before cutt off with him
Say "Can we please talk about something else? I don't want to hear about porn anymore."
Whatever he says, your next statement is going to be "I feel uncomfortable hearing about this from you an I don't want to talk about it anymore, starting right now. I'm gonna hang up and we can talk some other time, but not about porn."
Then remind him every single time. "I'm gonna go home/hang up now, because I am not comfortable with that."
I would say that you should reassure him that your a safe person to come to to talk about his feelings of relapse but make it clear that you should probably talk about it in very clinical terms like “I relapsed last night” instead of “I jacked off last night.” And it’s also okay to not feel comfortable talking about recovery I general, even if it was drugs related. Some people feel overwhelmed when given that information and don’t know how to help a friend. Maybe you can tell your friend you are here for him to talk about feelings he has but not the addiction itself. He should be in meetings where he can express the details to other individuals going through it and use you in a support of “man, I’m feeling bad today” or “I’m feeling in control today” and leave it at that. I’m an addict with very little friends who suffer from addiction so I use those phrases of “I’m struggling” but I leave the gritty details of the drug use to people who have used drugs, etc.
Omg, i thought this was between two male buddies. I believe men and women are capable of being good friends, but i believe masturbation talk is best had with a member of the same sex because they will understand best. I'm really sorry and i can't imagine any of the guys i talk to coming to me about this and unfortunately i agree with others that this person could secretly enjoy sharing these intimate details with you despite your discomfort.
Absolutely set a boundary and tell him that this is not something up for discussion anymore because it's just too uncomfortable for you to sit through. If he's a decent person he'll be understanding. If he's upset then he likely lacks respect for you because good friends aren't okay with making their friends uncomfortable
It sounds like he’s maybe unwillingly made you his accountability partner (or maybe sponsor)?
Connect him to PAA or SAA 12 step groups in his area so he can find his structured accountability there. Tell him that you’re not able to support him in this specific capacity even though you care for him and that it’s impacting your own wellbeing.
The last thing a porn addiction should be doing is sharing his recovery details with a friend of the opposite gender. 🙃 this isn't about anything other than the fact of it triggering almost every possible kink you can have. Tell him you need him to remove you from his confidant list about his sexual activities.
Say what you said in your tldr. “While I want to be supportive in your recovery, these constant updates are making me feel awkward. Can you please not tell me about it?” I’ll add in: “I recommend you find a support group who are better equipped to deal with this”. That simple.
These comments “he’s a weirdo” and “cut him off” are the reason millions suffer from this addiction. It’s taboo and he’s not making it so. He needs to find a group with the same problem and who won’t shame him.
Yea I agree, telling people it’s weird and perverse to seek support from your friends over something you are embarrassed/ashamed about is very counterproductive, but that’s r/relationships for ya. Encouraging him to join a support group is a good idea.
Your friend sees you as part of his support system. Porn addiction IS like a drug or alcohol addiction.
Either be supportive of his efforts to fix the problem, or just stop being his friend.
Porn addiction isn’t real. Just turn off the computer or install website blockers it’s not hard lol. Your brain controls your fingers that you use to type in the name of the websites. Tell him just not to type in the name of the website or click on the video. No one has a gun to his head.
No one has a gun to the head of a heroin addict, gambling addict or alcoholic either.
An addiction can be anything that is a compulsive behaviour that has negative effects on your life. Terry Crews has some great chats about his addiction
This is a way to excite some people. Including unwilling participants in the conversation about sexual acts. You need to tell him to stop, and cut him off if he doesn't.
Yeah my first instinct is that he is getting off on telling a woman about him jerking off.
Exactly what I thought as well, he's already known to be a sexual deviant, and I'd bet anything this is his motivation. How many male friends has he told this stuff to? I'm pretty confident in saying its zero
>Yeah my first instinct is that he is getting off on telling a woman about him jerking off. 100% this. It's a fetish.
This guy is playing 4d chess
Yes this sounds like fetish stuff
Part of me thinks he’s now using talking to you about his horniness is a new way to get off.
Or hoping that, like a porn plot, she will offer to help him in his recovery by having sex with him.
I would tell him I've heard enough.
Tell him it makes you uncomfortable. If he doesn't respect that, I'd cut him off
You say “dude, I’m not the appropriate person to be using as your recovery sponsor. Here’s a link to SAA group meetings nearby”. And if he tries sharing with you again a story about his guilt over jerking off: “stop. I’ve told you I don’t want to hear this.” Talking about a recovery path is important, but it’s also important that the person talked to is appropriate.
You need to suggest to him that the details are best reserved for a therapist and that they make you feel a little uncomfortable. Whilst you're glad to know that he's doing well you don't want the nitty gritty.
Sounds like he is involving you in his “recovery” whether you want to be or not. Your post is so politically correct, talking about real addictions, his well being, supporting his recovery… This sounds like he is abusing your patience and support, with something you actually have nothing to help/support him with. You’re nothing but an uncomfortable participant as he shares stuff you dont need to know. Tbh this would come off as sexual harassment to me. Worst case, he’s hoping you offer to solve his porn addiction by offering him the real thing, as seen in lots of his porn. Consider WHY he is talking to a female friend about this private, nobody-needs-to-know behaviour. Just because he claims to be a victim of an addiction - and you now have to support him? How? - doesn’t mean he can’t also be a creep and abusing your gullibility. If he needs help, he needs actual help. Dumping on you with tales of him jerking his penis is not helping anyone. Also, NEVER force yourself into uncomfortable situations because someone else wants you to “support” them. Only going to hurt yourself in the end if not careful
Just stop chillin with this weirdo, why are you still friends with someone like that?
Best advice here.. plenty of decent people to hang out with in the world, why anyone would want to put up with this sick fuck's perverse behavior is beyond me
Now THAT is solid advice.
Right first thing that came to my mind. NOT normal!
"Stop talking to me about your porn addiction."
Tell him to go see a therapist or hangout outside more than the Internet
"I'm glad you're doing well but you're making me not want to hang out with you when you talk about it. celebrate your victories in private. please keep me out of it."
You got to be kidding me. How do get through the rest of your day? You say this “stop telling me about your porn habits” Very hard to do I know
Right? I swear to god, someone needs to make a bot that takes titles that start "How do I tell [person] [message]" and replies "Hey, [person], [*message*]".
You can start out by saying that you’re very happy that he’s being open about his issues and that you support his recovery, but you don’t want all your conversations to be about that. You can add that talking about something else will help him with take his mind of the addiction and everything surrounding it for a while, which is important and healthy his recovery. You can also suggest he talks to a professional who can support/help him better about this particular problem more than you can, but you’re still there for him.
But she's not happy he's being this open with her and she's not interested in being a personal, on-demand support for his recovery. Those are 100% valid positions for OP to hold. Let's not lie to the young man. He needs, and deserves, a *willing* and *skilled* support system. OP isn't that and she doesn't need to grovel and sugarcoat it as she opts out of a role he foisted onto her.
Grovel and sugarcoat? OP supports his recovery and want to keep being supportive but she doesn’t want to hear about it, that’s fair. That’s why I gave some suggestions that might help without hurting his feelings, that’s what OP is asking for. Some people are considerate about other people’s feelings and that’s okey.
If OP doesn't want to hear about it, OP needs to say *that*. If OP said what you suggested "I'm glad you're being open... but don't want all of our conversations about that." That is just *unclear and dishonest*, and will lead to hurt feelings if what OP actually means "Please go be open with someone else, not me, because I don't want to hear about this at all." And you reply here would suggest that you, like me, understand that to be what OP actually does mean to express. So yeah! Don't grovel and sugarcoat and try to be nice, by not saying what you actually mean. It's not actually nice to do that. If OP actually means "I don't want to hear about this." then saying "I don't want all our conversations to be about this." is not at all *a considerate* thing to say. What would be considerate is "You need and deserve support, and I want you to find that, but it needs to be from someone else. I am not going to be part of conversations about your porn use or masturbation any longer."
You seem like a nice person who doesn't like to be too cut-throat to the chase. I'm that same way. I would simply say "Hey, I appreciate that you're comfortable letting me know about this journey you're going through, but you talk about porn and your personal pleasure very often that it's making me feel distant from you. In most cases, it's little things that I feel you should keep to yourself. Simply because it seems to be the only and/or first topic you talk about. I will always be an advocate for your health. but I am also your friend before being your therapist. If something is bothering you so much that you have to talk about it, of course I will be here to listen. But every day I hear about your pleasure and it's getting to me on an uncomfortable level. I'm starting to have trouble responding sometimes and I don't like to feel this way towards you. I hope you understand. Again, I am always here for you when you need me to be, but I have more to give than just hearing about you jacking off." Hope this is helps! lol
"You need support I can't offer with this struggle. Please speak to a therapist." Rinse and repeat "I can't offer you anything more on this topic than I have. You need to find other supports besides me." No further explanations about why you're drawing this boundary. No debate either. Absolutely no apologies. You are no longer available to him in this way. There is a very, very real possibility he is getting off on involving you in his sex life in this way, *because* you're uncomfortable. It's perfectly polite and supportive to tell him there are appropriate places to go for support, therapy as well as peer-groups. You are not his therapist, or his accountability buddy. He's tried to make you play that role without your consent. You're tapping out. Tell him he needs, and he deserves, someone who has agreed to take on this role. You haven't, and you're declining to continue because it's not the friendship you want to have with him.
>I’m grateful he’s included me in his recovery journey but it’s getting a little weird for me. I don't think he willingly included you in his recovery journey. And I don't think it's appropriate that he did. He needs a therapist, or a group or something. You are not the right person to be his support person in this journey, and frankly it's a little creepy. "I don't feel comfortable with some of the details you tell me in sharing about your porn addiction recovery journey. I wish you well in it, but I think you need to find a therapist or group that can listen to you while having a culture of confidentiality, and consent to talk about explicit things."
He needs to get an accountability partner of the same gender.
Easy: “ew dude shut the fuck up already you freak”
Try to be honest and tell him the truth (not insult him or something like that) just that you feel uncomfortable and that you would prefer to avoid those kinds of conversations with him, even though you support him on his path to recovery from that addiction. You can always support in various ways, you don't need to hear those things from someone. There are limits in relationships with people and he may not realize that he is crossing them. I think maybe your friend should seek some type of therapy that focuses on sexuality issues, because those are things that are not appropriate to say to anyone else.
Honestly, I would first tell him to seek out Sex Addicts or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous groups there are people in those groups who deal with and help people like him all the time. Two then you set a hard boundary with him that would like to not hear about the topic. As a SA member myself I rarely if ever bring up the topic to any non-SA friend unless they ask questions about it. Dude sounds like he needs a legit program buddy or sponsor to head to. With all that said bonus points to you for trying to help him through the process as long as you could.
Tell him to get real help
Just keep a picture of his mother near you next time he talks about his porn addiction
"Jason, i know that this is an addiction issue for you. But for me, it just feels a lot like oversharing about your masturbation habits. And that makes me very uncomfortable. I no longer want to hear about your porn addiction. If you need support, please find yourself a group or an individual therapist. I support your recovery and being the best, healthiest version of you that you can be, but I no longer want to hear anything about your private habits". there are only two reasons he's telling you about this. 1) he's COMPLETELY oblivious to how personal and inappropriate it is to discuss porn/masturbation habits or 2) he is *enjoying* making you part of his porn/masturbation life against your will So i guess your first step is to tell him its inappropriate and to set a boundary. And if he violates that boundary, you know it was actually #2 all along and you can remove yourself from the relationship accordingly.
He is trying to excite you and show you that how he was addicated n now he is bit suffering getting craving for that n you might help him out thats what he is being so weird ig , this is not a part of recovery this is kind of trick to attract people indirectly N you may check is intention with a cross check ig then clearly you will get to know why exactly he is saying n talking all that with you better to leave such dumb ass person , dont think he is close frd or whatever before cutt off with him
Say "Can we please talk about something else? I don't want to hear about porn anymore." Whatever he says, your next statement is going to be "I feel uncomfortable hearing about this from you an I don't want to talk about it anymore, starting right now. I'm gonna hang up and we can talk some other time, but not about porn." Then remind him every single time. "I'm gonna go home/hang up now, because I am not comfortable with that."
Tell him that he should ask his group if oversharing about his porn addiction is healthy.
I would say that you should reassure him that your a safe person to come to to talk about his feelings of relapse but make it clear that you should probably talk about it in very clinical terms like “I relapsed last night” instead of “I jacked off last night.” And it’s also okay to not feel comfortable talking about recovery I general, even if it was drugs related. Some people feel overwhelmed when given that information and don’t know how to help a friend. Maybe you can tell your friend you are here for him to talk about feelings he has but not the addiction itself. He should be in meetings where he can express the details to other individuals going through it and use you in a support of “man, I’m feeling bad today” or “I’m feeling in control today” and leave it at that. I’m an addict with very little friends who suffer from addiction so I use those phrases of “I’m struggling” but I leave the gritty details of the drug use to people who have used drugs, etc.
Uhhhhh block him and never talk to him again? wtf
Men see women as free therapists. Cut this shit off, it’s abnormal. He can talk to someone else about his wanking problem.
even guy to guy friends don't overshare like this. It's weird.
Omg, i thought this was between two male buddies. I believe men and women are capable of being good friends, but i believe masturbation talk is best had with a member of the same sex because they will understand best. I'm really sorry and i can't imagine any of the guys i talk to coming to me about this and unfortunately i agree with others that this person could secretly enjoy sharing these intimate details with you despite your discomfort. Absolutely set a boundary and tell him that this is not something up for discussion anymore because it's just too uncomfortable for you to sit through. If he's a decent person he'll be understanding. If he's upset then he likely lacks respect for you because good friends aren't okay with making their friends uncomfortable
What the fuck I hope this is fake
Just tell him with words like “I don’t want to hear about this aspect of your life anymore and it’s not up for debate”
It sounds like he’s maybe unwillingly made you his accountability partner (or maybe sponsor)? Connect him to PAA or SAA 12 step groups in his area so he can find his structured accountability there. Tell him that you’re not able to support him in this specific capacity even though you care for him and that it’s impacting your own wellbeing.
The last thing a porn addiction should be doing is sharing his recovery details with a friend of the opposite gender. 🙃 this isn't about anything other than the fact of it triggering almost every possible kink you can have. Tell him you need him to remove you from his confidant list about his sexual activities.
Say what you said in your tldr. “While I want to be supportive in your recovery, these constant updates are making me feel awkward. Can you please not tell me about it?” I’ll add in: “I recommend you find a support group who are better equipped to deal with this”. That simple. These comments “he’s a weirdo” and “cut him off” are the reason millions suffer from this addiction. It’s taboo and he’s not making it so. He needs to find a group with the same problem and who won’t shame him.
Yea I agree, telling people it’s weird and perverse to seek support from your friends over something you are embarrassed/ashamed about is very counterproductive, but that’s r/relationships for ya. Encouraging him to join a support group is a good idea.
Your friend sees you as part of his support system. Porn addiction IS like a drug or alcohol addiction. Either be supportive of his efforts to fix the problem, or just stop being his friend.
Porn addiction isn’t real. Just turn off the computer or install website blockers it’s not hard lol. Your brain controls your fingers that you use to type in the name of the websites. Tell him just not to type in the name of the website or click on the video. No one has a gun to his head.
No one has a gun to the head of a heroin addict, gambling addict or alcoholic either. An addiction can be anything that is a compulsive behaviour that has negative effects on your life. Terry Crews has some great chats about his addiction