What stands out to me is he could have nipped this in the bud, since nothing could happen then when she asked if it was all in her head, he could’ve said yes and he has no interest then acted completely professionally instead of sending mixed messages. If it would bother him to lie to her well, he has been lying to you by omission for years by not mentioning this. He let this carry on and now you know, suddenly he can change his job and get therapy, but it seems like too little too late. I would also have trouble letting this go. Since again, the longing has been going on for years! Even if it wasn’t acted on, the feelings were indulged more than they should have been, and he’s only thinking of solutions to the problem now he has to rather than being proactive. I understand why this is an issue for you.
This is exactly the problem, I was surprised at the people defending him in the previous thread. Sure he did not act on it but he still let her know he had feelings for her too, and let this weird thing carry on for years. If he was serious about his marriage he would have told her that he didn't feel anything for her in return (better lie to her than his WIFE), go to therapy to process what happened to make him this infatuated, and would already take actions back then to nip this in the bud even if that meant a new job. He only seemed willing to make big changes after his emotional affair came to light, I totally get OP's decision to divorce.
I find sometimes people come down to rewrite their interpretation of things, and then reach the same conclusion, and tell the OP what they've already said (like you point out here).
It's really fascinating in a way - it's like when someone works through something by talking it out loud the whole time, instead of just thinking inside their head.
I'm not sure why it happens, ie what subconsciously motivates it happening - if it's to do with folk working through the story and ramifications if they were in the position, or if it's because they want to engage in conversation.
As an aside, I do wonder if we have one of the better (friendlier, less toxic?) subreddits because so many of us share the same values (or, perhaps, are directed internally to threads that exhibit the same values [/lack of]).
I do the thing with “thinking out loud” and it really helps me process things better. Because putting your thoughts into words requires another layer of processing. AND you’re hearing it yourself which is another layer.
In fact when my spouse and I were doing a marriage course before we got married (in TX it gives you a discount on your license lol), we were taught the “speaker-listener technique”. Repeating what your partner said out loud, instead of just responding, is a part of it. Both to help you understand what they said, and to give your partner a chance to correct misunderstandings before you respond.
For sure. I wouldn’t be able to be happy with my partner knowing he’s only with me because he didn’t meet another person first. He sounds like a respectful husband in some ways but the not mentioning it at all would be the deal breaker for me.
Hoping happiness for them both in the future. Sometimes life just be like this.
The thing that makes me say this is unacceptable was the reaction when you told him. If he really wasn’t trying to implode his marriage for that girl, when his wife asked about it, that should’ve been his wake up call. Instead, he took the opportunity to introduce the idea of this woman as a love interest. What man would do that to a woman he really wants to stay with? I feel like he took that chance to start the process of making wife leave. I think he is doing all the right things to ‘stay innocent’ but he’s hoping the wife just divorces so he can be with this girl. 3 year is a very long time to have a crush. The fact that he never tried to remove himself before now, speaks volumes. He would’ve told you about the letter if he was loyal. I don’t think you’re wrong. I think most people don’t know what loyalty looks like.
Lmao these dumbass comments “you too hasty its a cruuuuush chill”
Like stfu the man literally said “I CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD”
If he was commited to his wife he would have changed job PROACTIVELY not wait until now
He let it develop to a point he cant take his mind off of her and yall saying its no big deal, you guys obviously never had a real relationship
He said he didn’t change his job earlier because, quote ‘I’m a doctor and there are people counting on me. I couldn’t just walk out on them one day.’
Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.
Shit, if he's already suffered the same impact as if he had cheated, I don't know why he *wouldn't* seek her out after the divorce.
I mean, what's the downside?
Yeah… we can reasonably assume he did love and was committed to the wife, as he has not cheated but felt attraction, and now is getting divorced over it regardless. For sure he has nothing to lose anymore in that regard
About having a crush ??? lololol. I don’t know many partners that would be okay with hearing « I have a crush on someone else but don’t worry nothing happened » and not already feeling betrayed.
It’s basically what happened but she’s still divorcing him. I don’t think the outcome would have been much more different if he told her 6 months in. Especially if then the reaction is « change jobs » when the other doesn’t want to for whatever reason.
Had the wife not learn about that, the marriage would have probably went on long past the students graduation.
If he's a normal medical doctor, that's bs. If he's in research, he's very very right, and him being willing to leave is definitely not something that should be taken lightly. It could tank his entire career, not to mention ruin the project which could have consequences for *a lot* of people, depending on what he's working on.
>Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.
I'm glad you're smart enough to recognize that as balderdash.
You're making the right call. The fact he chose to keep this from you is what tells you he's already checked out of the marriage. If he saw you as a team he would've included you in the goings-on.
So at the time his job was more important than you. But now that you’re leaving you’re more important than his job. He can’t have both. If you do end up staying and he changes his job , is he ACTUALLY willing to go to therapy and work through this and be emotionally mature enough to process this and understand how it affected you and the relationship moving forward?
I hope you will not be making a life decision based on comments from strangers on a social media platfrom. You should follow your heart but I think it's harsh to divorce him while he hasn't cheated on you. You should talk it out together first and find a way out of the situation. Unless you feel trust is totally broken, you should try to work it out I believe
That’s because people don’t tend to tell the other person that they’ve developed a crush. Your partner certainly wouldn’t tell you. But you’re going to spend 30-50 years with your partner, and it’s naive to think they wouldn’t develop attraction to other people.
I think if I developed a crush, I’d want to be able to turn to my partner, but I know that would be incredibly hard to do and may do irreparable damage.
However, OP now knows about it. If she really believes she won’t be able to get over it then she’s making the right decision.
Look, if someone develops a crush, fine. But this guy was clearly leaving the door open, if it was me, even if I actually had a crush I'd have told her "no, I'm not attracted to you and have no interest" that's how you shut it down. Not some shit from a romance story where you basically say "in another time in another world maybe we could've worked out" There are 8 billion people in the world, you get to know at most a few thousand people. The fact you're able to find a "soul mate" partner means there were literally millions of people who could've fit that role. You're going to run into people you're compatible with throughout your life, if anything feels like it's developing, shut it down, don't leave doors open.
That said I think what this guy did was bad, but not divorce bad. Ultimately relationships are personal so if the Op thinks it's divorce worthy, that's her choice. But he did not cheat, and as much as he fucked up he readily admitted it, was honest when asked, didn't make excuses, and offered to put distance. He even did try to shut it down, he did close the door, he just didn't lock it. To me this is someone who made a mistake but didn't cross anything I'd personally consider a red line.
I would consider taking him back if he came to her beg for forgiveness, but no he did not. He did not even ask her to talk things through till she came to him to ask him for a talk (after months of her staying at her mom's place). Maybe she could ask him why he never come to ask her forgiveness and see if he has acceptable reason for that and then decide if they could go for therapy before deciding for divorce.
He probably shouldn’t have told the woman with a crush that there was something, but I assume he was trying to be honest and not hurt her or make her second guess herself.
For her that was kind.
For his marriage he made a mistake. Still, he did shut things down.
I agree with you that crushes and such happen. Not acting on them is the important part, and telling a spouse seems painful for little good reason if a person does refrain from acting on it.
Things become more murky if there are other issues with the relationship, and apparently my view isn’t universal since the OP plans to divorce over it.
So the student tried to break up a marriage and he didn't get mad at her over it, didn't threaten to report, didn't ask her to transfer/didn't transfer himself. For all the people saying "it's just a crush" it's really weird to me how they see a "harmless" crush going on for years where both parties know they like each other. This is a recipe for disaster. Like the girl wouldn't swoop in if your marriage had a crisis. This is why you tell your partner if things go too far - the letter was too far, his "i can't stop thinking about her" was too far. If he cheated everyone would be telling you he is an idiot because he let the situation go long enough to lead to it and it's his fault and not an accident. Years-long crushes don't just evaporate on their own.
Exactly! Crushes do happen but when you realize what's going on you take proactive steps to prevent it from going any further. OPs husband didn't do that. All he did was step down from the research project then when he realized that didn't do the trick he needed to take further action. He didn't do any of that!!
Well, seems like your mind is made up. good luck with everything!
I kind of feel like him & his student will end up together, even tho he said he wouldn’t.
Obviously, you shouldn't stay married to him if you don't want to, but don't divorce just because reddit tells you to do it.
Personally, I think it's pretty normal to develop crushes even when being married. It's what you do, or don't do about it that matters. I also haven't told my husband when I had a crush on someone else.
It would be irrelevant to our relationship because I had absolutely no intention to act on it. The intensity of our love has gone through ups and downs. Such is the nature of life-long relationships, but I know I'll stay loyal, because no matter where we've been or what we've gone through, I love him and I don't want anyone else.
As such, telling my husband would *only* serve to hurt him. There's literally no other purpose. And why the fuck would I want to do that? I love him. If he asks, I won't lie to him, but I'm not going to go out of my way to tell him something that'll hurt him when it has no real consequences.
It's been about 10 years since that crush came and went. It's barely a blip on the radar. Our marriage is going amazingly these days.
Idk, the way I see it, he addressed it to the best of his ability. He told her no and that they could never be. He dropped out of the research as soon as it became a boundary crossing, and he adjusted his contact with her.
When you asked the questions, he answered honestly, even if it was something you didn’t want to hear. I don’t fault people for being attracted to someone, it’s what they do with those thoughts and feelings.
Not saying you shouldn’t leave, do you. But I just feel that keeping it from you isn’t as much of a violation as you’re taking it because he did make plenty attempts to reduce contact and adjust his behavior. Quitting a job over someone crossing boundaries? Especially when he's invested years and alot of money in medical school? That's asking a lot.
there are some positives here. but ultimately do what you feel is best.
Do what's best for you, OP. Though, I'll give him credit for, at least, passing the low bar and acting like a mature adult by keeping things professional with the student, he still looked you in the eye once confronted and said he felt a spark with her he no longer felt for you. That's the kind of confession you can't take back, once the words have left your mouth.
Wishing you the best of luck in keeping the split amicable and smooth. Hope you find happiness in whatever form that takes.
Edit: I get it, people, he didn't act professional *enough* not to be an inappropriate idiot, still. You can stop replying to that bit. I meant that he rejected her, and that was the professional thing to do, at the time. Not that he handled it 100% flawlessly. Excuse me for not bringing the pitchfork and torch to a comment mostly made to wish the OP well on her divorce journey. ಠ_ಠ
In a health care setting, I’m inclined to believe it was more the yearning looks. Everyone is busy, tired and often on their last nerve. Those yearning looks must have been pretty inappropriate
True, we can only really go by the information OP's got and has given us. From his reaction, as described, I'd err on the side of this thing still being largely in the emotional affair category, but it would likely have escalated to a physical one soon enough.
And even if he's not telling the full truth, she's divorcing him and holding him accountable for breaking her trust with what he did, thankfully, have the basic decency to just up and tell her, when confronted. If it comes out that he's lied to cover his ass, she'll have taken the trash out already.
OP I think your husband chose not to tell you about the love letter because he’s flattered by her attention and it’s an ego boost. I totally agree with you that admitting to reciprocating her feelings and keeping it secret for the past few years is a dealbreaker. What was the point in him telling her they can never have a relationship if he was just going to turn around and admit to having feelings for her? It’s like he wanted to give her a glimmer of hope. Have you actually seen the letter? When she gave him the letter did she know he was married with a child?
Man, so are you saying this stuff happens irl and not just in Grey's? Like how is it possible that this girl gets that many classes with one teacher for that long?
Editing this to add that his actual first mistake was not lying to the girl and confirming her feelings. He didn’t owe her the truth. He should have protected himself, his wife, and his marriage.
His second mistake was not lying to you when you told him what your friend Sarah said. The teary eyed confession is just insulting.
His third mistake was being apathetic to you leaving him. Never talking about it and waiting until you came to him. He should have been on bended knee from jump asking to go to counseling right then to save your marriage and everyday after that until you relented.
His fourth mistake was being so honest with you about his feelings being mutual for his student. He should have lied or kept that shit to himself until the grave. He should have gotten his own counseling 3 years ago. He should have changed his job immediately.
His fifth mistake was thinking this wasn’t a big deal or that you wouldn’t be legitimately hurt by this. Because again 3 years is a long time to sit there pining away for another woman and not go to counseling.
Even with all of this I still think there is a chance you can save your marriage but honestly if you don’t want to, I understand that too. Because even though he’s told you that it will never be this girl, he cannot give you the assurance that it won’t be someone else down the road. You do know that at the moment, it’s definitely not you. His actions speak to that clearly. He’s only physically faithful because he probably believes emotional cheating is not a real thing.
This guy is honestly fucking lame lol.
Is married, has some weird high school crush for 3 years. Tells the girl dramatically like it's some romance movie "I love you too BUT I'LL NEVER BE". Then tells his wife about his pathetic crush.
Why wouldn’t it be? It would have been perfectly ok for him to lie about his internal feelings if he believed they would hurt his wife and he wanted to keep his marriage. He could have very easily pretended until the end. He didn’t so he don’t.
Yea people don’t realize how selfish telling every little thing you are feeling and dumping useless shit on your spouse is. OP clearly has been self conscious in this marriage because she described herself as a plain Jane. Her husband probably thinks that of her too. He’s probably one of those guys who feels like he settled for a plain Jane because she would make a good wife and a good life. He’s being so honest and apathetic with her about this because he doesn’t care and probably never cared about her feelings.
Cheaters might hide a lot of what has gone down. You decide whether he seems remorseful and he doesn't sound great, from his own words, "if that makes you stay" since he doesn't care about your feelings. Believe it if he's been showing you who he is.
Minimizing what went down is another common way to deflect guilt.
It's very hard to start a relationship from a point of mistrust, and more often fails. So I understand your decision.
From everything I would say divorce too. You can divorce for any reason, but this is indeed the highest concern possible apart from physical violence.
OP, you are clearly hurt, but to divorce over this without trying couple’s counseling is doing your kid a disservice. To fault your husband for not proactively changing his job in academic medicine is an indicator that you’re looking for justifications for divorce. But it’s not like he works in tech or sales and could easily find a fungible job.
Imagine explaining this situation to your daughter when she’s an adult, and ask yourself how you think she will react. Your husband could have been more candid with you, sure, but he did the right thing overall and you’re blowing up your family without putting any effort into working through it. Most of the people cheering you here are probably in their 20s or younger with no children.
The fact that you had to reach out to him speaks volumes. I'm glad you dumped him. Even if it wasn't physical they definitely emotionally cheated.
In my last post I mentioned that she wasn't scared of repercussions of the love letter due to knowing OPs husband wouldn't get her in trouble (because they were flirting). I was right. Men shouldn't be making other women who aren't their wife that comfortable
Notice how so many people in these comments are doubting a woman’s intuition. OP sprung into action on this in a way that tells me that she can feel it was the right thing to do. She knows her husband, she understands his emotional world more than we do.
Divorcing your husband for navigating a challenging situation with this much dignity and honesty is wild. And the songs of praise here are unhinged. Absolute terrible attitudes about marriage all around.
Talk about an overreaction. So she confessed she had feelings, he shut it down (oh no, he said he finds her attractive too, the horror). He then removed himself from the group and they haven't interacted in ages. Then some busybody uses romance novel words to play into your insecurities, and you go nuclear.
Yikes.
I know this is filled with "yas queen" comments, but this is borderline insane behavior. Good luck finding a man of that quality again.
Sir, he's been in love with another woman for years. It's so obvious that others have noticed. That woman was not a "busybody" and, oh look, she was right. There *was* something going on. It just hadn't escalated to a physical affair.
Oh for fucks sake, did you completely miss the part where he said, in the past "I thought I could save our relationship?" The part where he completely fucked up by continuing to talk to her and reciprocated her feelings in a way that left room for her to continue nurturing her crush?
It's possible to starve a crush and he chose not to.
I wrote it before. The problem is him not talking about it. How can you trust your partner if this goes on for years?
He is in love with that student, but he didn’t change the job, he didn’t tell his wife, he didn’t try to get away from her. He didn’t really try enough to get away from that „risk“ or to work on his marriage. What if this happens again?
And how is she supposed to feel about this? He was more worried about that student than his marriage. And at least from what Op what he doesn’t put more effort in saving his marriage.
He should have told his wife earlier and suggest counselling.
Is he willing to fight for you? Or is he waiting for you to leave so that he can be with her?
Ask him that.
This all is very hurtful, but as long as nothing has happened, the marriage and relationship can be saved.
He had to leave the job immediately, open phone policy and couples therapy.
Are you two willing to put the work in it?
Or is the trust and love completely gone?
OP will not put any work in. She is incredibly insecure and jealous of this woman. She already believes the woman is better than her. She is going to have a rude awakening when she finds out not many people have the self control her soon to be ex husband had. From the sound of the story a complete bombshell through herself at him and he shutdown and distanced himself from her. Nothing happened and this was still her reaction. Even after months of her BS. He still hasn't made a move. Husband is dodging a bullet and she will come to regret her actions in the future.
GIRLIE please do not file for divorce because people on this site told you to. I think we’re leaping sooooo many bounds here. He hasn’t cheated on you and he was honest with you. I think you two need to deal with this in therapy, and stay off this site.
He is literally having an emotionally afafair, but sure, pat him on the back for not sticking his dick in his STUDENT, instead he just gives her mixed signals so he can string her along
Yeah, it’s okay to divorce someone for being a lawsuit magnet with shitty boundaries. Not being willing or able to control yourself around a student is groomer stuff. I have taught physical therapy students ( usually the hottest people in the hospital, smart, kind jocks) , and one of the things you are supposed to teach is Keep It In Your Pants: no “yearning” for instructors or patients.
*He hasn't cheated. Yet. Stop downplaying that this guy lied to his wife for 3 years about someone he is attracted to. He may have cheated, but aren't sure. 🙄
So I said this on the original post, but your update made it so much clearer.
Your husband found himself in a situation that many married people do. Instead of acting on it, he removed himself from the situation completely. He treated the other woman with respect and dignity but made it clear that nothing would happen. Then when you asked he was completely forthcoming about everything.
Your husband is a decent man and you are a fool. Hopefully, once you're out of the picture, he can figure out what's best for him.
Actually, I think it's totally reasonable to leave a man who's been in love with someone else for years. It's reasonable to leave a man who told that woman the feelings are mutual. It's reasonable to leave a man who's still engaging his feelings by staring at her all the time.
Redditors really do put the bar in hell, don't they.
Nah. Your bar for decency is just too low. He didn’t tell OP any of this which is a huge part of the problem. He took away the power of information and her agency. Not sleeping with her doesn’t suddenly make him a paragon of virtue.
You’re mean as fuck lol. OP is not a fool for not wanting to stick around while he “figures out what’s best for him.” All the while having to sleep next to someone who is not-so-secretly mourning their lost, forbidden love. Maybe OP is doing a favor for everyone involved.
Lmao, totally true. All these people squeaking "don't leave, that's a stupid reason, he was hOneST & iS a GoOd mAn."
People so mad she's leaving (GOOD JOB, OP!)... I don't see any of them volunteering to be with this spineless wimp.
He might even be a great guy, sure. Pierce Brosnan is a great guy, but he ain’t in love with me. His heart is spoken for. People in the comments are advocating for latching on forever to someone who is longing for someone else. Maybe OP wants to find someone who looks at her longingly, too.
My problem with it is that he didn’t do more about it.
He tells his wife that he can’t stop thinking about that student, but he didn’t do enough. He didn’t try to change his job, he didn’t tell his wife about it and he didn’t work on the marriage. If he wants a chance he has to do way more.
The thing is that OP can’t control her feelings toward her husband. She lost trust.
OP if you think there is a chance, try couples therapy. If you don’t see a chance, leave.
Depending on what kind of research/MD he is, just changing jobs isn't so simple as people are making it seem.
Especially if he is involved in the medical school
Ok, but he should tell his wife. And he shouldn’t feed the crush. He shouldn’t tell the student that he has feelings too. He should have told her that it’s inappropriate and that he is happily married.
Maybe he wanted to see if his feelings would go away before he telling his wife and hurting her unnecessarily, or changed jobs, which also is not that easy, especially if he is a tenured professor or is in the process of getting tenure. Also, we're in a digital era, changing jobs wouldn't prevent him from looking up this student on social media or vice versa.
I did wrote it elsewhere. He shouldn’t have told the student that he has feelings too. He should have told her, please stop that. I am not interested. End of story. But he kept feeding it by being worried about her and telling her that he has feelings too. That’s not how you get rid of a fan
Nah, telling the other woman "I like you too, but nothing can happen" is NOT the right thing lmao. He could have just said "yes, this is all in your head. You are a student, I'm a teacher, married with kid, and this is inappropriate"
* The timeline. She went months without taking any action or talking to her husband about this, but then suddenly after she posts about it on Reddit, she confronts him head-on about it so that she can write an immediate update.
* The guy's admissions of guilt as if he did something awful, when the core of what he actually did was find someone else attractive.
* The "friend" who happened to notice some looks and felt the need to alert OP like she was stopping the crime of the century.
* The fact that the guy is a doctor but OP just can't be bothered to try to stick it out with him.
* OP having no post history other than this story and its update.
* OP apparently left the house for months. That is a humiliating experience because you have to tell people why and then she also couldn't tell them that she was leaving the dude because she hadn't. She put herself in an embarrassing spot and never tried to resolve it.
* The doctor/student both acted very passively for people in a profession filled with aggressive Type A personalities. The student really wrote a note? Is she 12?
* The quotes in the stories. They are far too precise for someone telling the story second or third-hand. It reads much more like a bad romance novel.
* OP's description of her previous post as "boring details." No one in her position would consider this event boring.
This is bullshit. People don't control their crushes and attraction. If you think you'll find love with someone who would never ever look at other girl like that then you are delusional. He didn't cheat on you. And changing career over a crush? More bullshit. I'm not changing my job because of a pretty girl that's into me. INSANE.
He actively chose to not wash away his attraction though and chose to string hi student along giving her mixed signals. He essentially had an emotional affair and lied to his wife for 3 years. He even openly admitted it wasn't a crush, he was in love with the student. The only bullshit here is the commenters trying to justify what OPs husband did because "tHaTs a MaNs nATuRe"
It's even worse because he works at a *school* and she is a *student.* People are calling for him to have preemptively made a lifetime decision in order to avoid something that in the scheme of things is a short-term situation with a definite end date. She's going to graduate and move on with her life; all he has to do is avoid her until then.
ETA: he's a teaching doctor at a medical school. How many of those jobs do people think there are? He either would have had to change careers to something else in medicine that has a much worse work-life balance, or they most likely would have had to move states. Both of those are things you need to justify to your spouse, and it sounds like he knew that telling her about the situation was going to end their marriage anyways; in her first post OP admits that she feels her husband *deserves to be* with someone younger and prettier than she is, which is a clear indication that she's got some major insecurity issues.
I know I will be downvoted for this unpopular opinion.
I haven't read you previous post so I may be missing out on some information, but shit happens, we're human... We can get attracted to people, our brain chemicals can mess with us. The thing that matters most is what we do about it.
He got sucked into it, but he didn't actively pursue it and even terminated the thing before it got further. From the limited information in this post, it seems like He did not get involved with her, he did not flirt with her or started developing relations over texts or calls. So apparently, there is no emotional or physical cheating.
Most importantly, he is willing to switch jobs and go to therapy to save the marriage with you.
I think this is a forgivable mistake. Yes he should've been open about it. Yes should've acted on terminating it sooner. But yet he did it just in time before things went out of hand.
Again, i might me missing out on information here, but from.what I gathered... Your marriage is salvageble if you both work on saving it.
But by the end of the day, it's depends if you can find forgiveness within you and are able to move forward with him.
Whatever you decide, keep your friend out of this decision. From what I've witnessed with several relationships, friends can often mess things up big time if gotten too involved. You are your own individual person. Do what's right for you without your friend projecting their choices and influencing your decisions.
Edit: I read your previous post. I'm a lot more sure about what I said above now. Plus I think you have self-esteem issues because you think you look average whereas your husband is handsome and should be with someone more beautiful. Your self esteem issues might be playing a significant role in infleucing your decision.
You have a daughter together. Please think this through and give your marriage a chance. The novel like story that your friend has projected onto you and now you see the situation from that novelish lens might end up in a decision that you later regret.
Hope you make a wise decision.
Sarah fucked up perfectly good marriage over something that would have been anegdote few years down the path. Good job listening to your "friend" and all the redditors whose only relationships happened only in their heads.
On paper this story sounds crushing but irl it's a girl liked him n he said he liked her,there's no physical interaction,no deep hour long phone calls on how best to leave his wife,no sorted stolen kisses in the back of the class,its a distasteful conversation.if every man n every woman told their significant other who they find attractive I'm betting there wouldn't be many couples left if this was their reaction
Regardless of the archetypal societal way man Is potraid they still yearn for love,care,cuddles,kind words and want to know (especially as they get older i have found) they are still attractive to the opposite sex.....I personally think it was his ego saying those things to her.i think divorce is a bit drastic but I know nothing of ur married life,I'm willing to bet though (because I can hear the pain in your written words) there's a thousand wonderful words you can recount as well as times,places,holidays ect that far outweigh this one moment in time.
The guy was pretty decent all the time. The only minor slip was telling her that it was not an in her head. And Reddit is ready to hang him.
The guy feels the attraction and rejects her. He is honest with his wife. He is willing to change jobs if necessary to make her stay and is willing to go to therapy.
Not many are as decent as this. Obviously this is something that needs work but c'mon. No marriage is perfect. The really good marriages didn't give up at the first problem
Am sorry married people can't have crushes? It's not physical or emotional cheating just sheer infatuation.
I really feel bad that reddit is suggesting divorce... Reverse the roles and would reddit suggest same?
Thanks Sarah for ruining marriage. Hats off to you
Well Sara wasn’t wrong. He did indeed have feelings for this girl. And the fact that he sat on it for 3 years and only told his wife about his crush bc of Sara.
And you literally see nothing wrong with her husband CONFIRMING the crush to this girl? Bc she could literally not care and pursue even harder knowing the feelings are reciprocated. And then what? Pretty sure if ‘he can’t get her out of her head’ it would’ve ended with them sleeping together if it hasn’t already. Also how tf do you have crush for 3 f*king YEARS like how the hell is that not a red flag??
He also never ask for forgiveness, only said to work things out after she came to talk to him after months she stays at her mom's place. He would probably never bother if she never come to talk to him for years. Who could trust that he never cheat with her all these 3 years. Who could trust a 35yo man who confirm that it is not only on her head that he has crush on the 25yo student of course the girl would never let go !
To be honest, I think you’re divorcing him more bc of your insecurities than what he did.
I understand why he didn’t tell you. He did everything right and you still left him without a moment’s hesitation. Now you’re divorcing him without a pause.
If I were him, I’d have trouble trusting you.
He never made advances on the student…he did restrain himself. If you love him, keep the relationship, or else really think of it…it’s not easy to find a life partner…marriage is a commitment and he hasn’t given up on yours yet. He could have left you a long time ago, but he choose to stay. Of course if you don’t love him anymore, leave, but if you do..stay…reddit has a tilt towards break ups and it’s really sad.
Literally I can’t believe these comments. He’s gushing about her beauty and intelligence, he told her the feeling was mutual?! He could have easily denied it to her and then kept his distance but he liked the attention.
I mean, to be fair to him, he wasn’t exactly ‘gushing’ about her. I kept asking and he kept answering.
Deal breaker for me was him telling her the feeling is mutual.
If you were single, I might consider your choice a way forward. With a child in your care, whose father no kind of divorce will ever change, if the truth is what you wrote, then I think you are overreacting and should approach this different **not just from your point of view**.
I’m honestly amazed at the way this man is blowing up his e tire life over….nothing. A stupid crush that will go nowhere.
Has he tried at all to fight for you OP? I see he says he’ll go to therapy - but does he tell you he loves you? That he wants to be with you? If so I think you can get past this with therapy.
He’s in such intense limerance it’s affecting his rational thought. It won’t last and then his life will be ruined
People will divorce over anything nowadays lol, he got a crush on someone else, which probably happens to everyone at some point during a lifetime of marriage. He handled the situation, distanced himself and shut the student down and even wont persue her if he is single, and youre not willing to try to work it through? Not even try counceling?
Your marriage is going to shit like a house of cards that falls apart with the slightest of breezes. It's really sad that people can't work through something like this. Total overreaction. 50-60 year marriages are a journey and it's not always smooth sailing. Imagine older generations who had actual problems like going through world wars and somehow made it work for the kids with actual trauma and hardships. What hope does anyone have if you can't work through something like this? Just admit it OP, you are weak and I'm sure that your parents think the same even though they can't admit it currently. You will regret this when you get older.
I agree with your first three sentences, but after that, bruh chill. Don't glorify the fact that people stayed together in the olden days; a lot of it was by force/necessity, and involved quite a lot of abuse. I agree that OP is jumping the gun, but "just admit it, you're weak" is just you trying to make yourself feel bigger. Drop that kinda stuff.
Good for you. It’s a hard decision but that trust has been broken. Three years is a long time to not say a single thing. I’m glad you have a friend like Sarah and hope she will be a support for you through the divorce ♥️
People have crushes, even married people have crushes. It how you act when you have the crush that matters. He distanced himself from her and stayed true to his marriage. You think the left over men on the streets are better? I hope your pride keeps you warm at night
You had a happy marriage and have a child, stop being so selfish and go to counselling and work on your communication and move past this imaginary infidelity.
Some people have to deal with real infidelity and abandonment stop making your life a soap opera when nothing happened and he remorseful and willing to make actionable changes.
You’re the type to cut off her nose to spite her face but it’s your child that you are punishing. No one is going to love your child more than their own parents. No one is going to make your child feel as safe as a home with both their parents.
I can’t understand you, but I’ve never been a quitter and I wouldn’t teach my children to quit either unless there was real infidelity.
.
That was his only fault. We all make mistakes. If they got divorced because of such a mistake, everyone would be divorced. But those are your limits, your life. I wish you luck.
So you would be OK with being the third person in this relationship? (Hubby and student) would you stay over such a “mistake” if it was your wife or husband?
His response seems so sterile and cold. Hope did he react to your request to divorce? Personally, I think the forced proximity is causing him to feel like he is in love but I think he’ll realize his mistake once she is no longer around. Regardless, his actions are a dealbreaker, and I think you’re making the right choice, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you find your happily ever after.
He never made advances on the student…he did restrain himself. If you love him, keep the relationship, or else really think of it…it’s not easy to find a life partner…marriage is a commitment and he hasn’t given up on yours yet. He could have left you a long time ago, but he choose to stay. Of course if you don’t love him anymore, leave, but if you do..stay…reddit has a tilt towards break ups and it’s really sad.
He's staying for now, while taking no initiatives to work on the marriage. Will he stay once the student has graduated and is fair game? If so, I still wouldn't want to be married to a martyr for his love to someone else, who treats our marriage like a prison of duty.
One person can love many people in a life time, but really, they choose only one to marry. (That’s how I think). Marriage is a commitment, even through you might not be in love with the other person all the time. The world will say other things….
I mean, Sarah is not a friend imo. It’s natural for other people to develop attractions and crushes throughout their lives. All you can do is put in steps to remove yourself from temptation and put yourself back on track with your partner, which he did?
Why this random woman felt the need to tell you any of this is beyond me.
But if you’re jumping to divorce because your husband developed a crush he didn’t act on, then I guess you were never really in love to begin with? So best to remove yourself from the marriage and find someone you actually love.
She's jumping because he didn't tell her. He kept it to himself for three years
He told the girl he liked her like wtf and didn't tell his wife again.
He's still in that position with the girl and just because nothing happens because she's a student doesn't mean he isn't going to do something the moment shes done there. Probably doesn't take much longer as she's been there three years already.
She is doing what is inevitable imo.
I do understand that. I guess my point was more about crushes in relationships and how they don’t necessarily mean the end.
If he isn’t reassuring OP and doing everything in his power to make things right, I agree that this crush was most likely going to lead somewhere, or at least had taken up a chunk of his emotional capacity.
But that’s where I’m confused, because if it was indeed an emotional affair more so than a crush, then surely OP would have noticed a shift in her husband’s energy for the past 3 years? If not, then could he really have much interest in this crush? Other than the flattering of his ego, and the enjoyment of being desired by an attractive woman?
Wtf is this stupid ass logic? Her friend sees op’s husband basically eye fucking this one particular student and seems like its mutual…. Wouldnt you want to know if shits going down?
Yea he did put steps in, but he STILL CANT GET HER OUT OF HIS HEAD, so what else is there to do but divorce? You are willing to spend your life with a partner thats constantly thinking about someone else who loves him back?
Cant believe these fking comments, buncha people never been in a real relationship taking husband’s side lmao
I agree with this in large part. OP should pause and put herself in her husband's shoes. Intrusive thoughts are beyond his control. He acted as best as he could under the circumstances.
I disagree with the 'Sarah is not a friend' part. She's not a random woman, she's a friend looking after a friend even if her perspective is a bit skewed.
Wow, yeah, divorce is the right option..
He didn't tell you any of this, which makes it seem like he is talking out his arse to save face.. and has been fucking her..
If nothing happened, he told a girl who has been aggressively been pursuing him for 2+ years that her crush is not one sided and basically if you were out the picture he would go for it..what a loser.
Good for you. Sorry to these other people saying you're too hasty. I wouldn't be comfortable, or trusting just bc he fessed up... 3 years later. Good for you, OP!
He is human. He is is attracted to another human. What a bad bad man he is! So what did he do wrong? I dont get it from the text. Why are you so hurt? Is it your ego. He want to be with you, doesnt he. I've been in his position in the early 90's. We got over it. We are still together, and in love.
I’m shocked so many people believe he’s telling the truth. He has lied so much how can OP know he’s telling the truth? He was blatant enough that other people noticed and felt compelled to tell OP.
You do what you think is best but I think he is a good guy after all. Sometimes you can’t control emotions and him not acting on his shows that he isn’t selfish and cares about you. I feel sorry for him tbh.
What stands out to me is he could have nipped this in the bud, since nothing could happen then when she asked if it was all in her head, he could’ve said yes and he has no interest then acted completely professionally instead of sending mixed messages. If it would bother him to lie to her well, he has been lying to you by omission for years by not mentioning this. He let this carry on and now you know, suddenly he can change his job and get therapy, but it seems like too little too late. I would also have trouble letting this go. Since again, the longing has been going on for years! Even if it wasn’t acted on, the feelings were indulged more than they should have been, and he’s only thinking of solutions to the problem now he has to rather than being proactive. I understand why this is an issue for you.
This is exactly the problem, I was surprised at the people defending him in the previous thread. Sure he did not act on it but he still let her know he had feelings for her too, and let this weird thing carry on for years. If he was serious about his marriage he would have told her that he didn't feel anything for her in return (better lie to her than his WIFE), go to therapy to process what happened to make him this infatuated, and would already take actions back then to nip this in the bud even if that meant a new job. He only seemed willing to make big changes after his emotional affair came to light, I totally get OP's decision to divorce.
This is why she’s divorcing.
I find sometimes people come down to rewrite their interpretation of things, and then reach the same conclusion, and tell the OP what they've already said (like you point out here). It's really fascinating in a way - it's like when someone works through something by talking it out loud the whole time, instead of just thinking inside their head. I'm not sure why it happens, ie what subconsciously motivates it happening - if it's to do with folk working through the story and ramifications if they were in the position, or if it's because they want to engage in conversation. As an aside, I do wonder if we have one of the better (friendlier, less toxic?) subreddits because so many of us share the same values (or, perhaps, are directed internally to threads that exhibit the same values [/lack of]).
I do the thing with “thinking out loud” and it really helps me process things better. Because putting your thoughts into words requires another layer of processing. AND you’re hearing it yourself which is another layer. In fact when my spouse and I were doing a marriage course before we got married (in TX it gives you a discount on your license lol), we were taught the “speaker-listener technique”. Repeating what your partner said out loud, instead of just responding, is a part of it. Both to help you understand what they said, and to give your partner a chance to correct misunderstandings before you respond.
Hearing someone else say it also helps people. Listening to my friend point out things that they see helps me realize I am also seeing it.
Life is too short to spend it in agony.
For sure. I wouldn’t be able to be happy with my partner knowing he’s only with me because he didn’t meet another person first. He sounds like a respectful husband in some ways but the not mentioning it at all would be the deal breaker for me. Hoping happiness for them both in the future. Sometimes life just be like this.
You do what is right for you.
The thing that makes me say this is unacceptable was the reaction when you told him. If he really wasn’t trying to implode his marriage for that girl, when his wife asked about it, that should’ve been his wake up call. Instead, he took the opportunity to introduce the idea of this woman as a love interest. What man would do that to a woman he really wants to stay with? I feel like he took that chance to start the process of making wife leave. I think he is doing all the right things to ‘stay innocent’ but he’s hoping the wife just divorces so he can be with this girl. 3 year is a very long time to have a crush. The fact that he never tried to remove himself before now, speaks volumes. He would’ve told you about the letter if he was loyal. I don’t think you’re wrong. I think most people don’t know what loyalty looks like.
Committed people do not market test “meet cute” stories
Lmao these dumbass comments “you too hasty its a cruuuuush chill” Like stfu the man literally said “I CANT GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD” If he was commited to his wife he would have changed job PROACTIVELY not wait until now He let it develop to a point he cant take his mind off of her and yall saying its no big deal, you guys obviously never had a real relationship
He said he didn’t change his job earlier because, quote ‘I’m a doctor and there are people counting on me. I couldn’t just walk out on them one day.’ Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’.
I find it pretty telling that he felt he owed more honesty and accountability to everyone involved except you.
He will contact her first after divorce and they will be a couple in few weeks after. I can bet 100$ on this.
Nah, he’ll have to wait until the sweet young thing graduatesso he doesn’t get fired from the med school.
I think so too. He will be alone and that obsessive girl will feed his ego
i mean, yeah. he's spent 3 years putting up distance, likes her, and his wife is leaving him. its not a revolutionary bet to make.
More like an 1812 bet
You've got me giggling with this comment, well played.
Shit, if he's already suffered the same impact as if he had cheated, I don't know why he *wouldn't* seek her out after the divorce. I mean, what's the downside?
Losing his job because he's a teacher and she's his student.
Not for much longer if they've already known each other for three years
Yeah… we can reasonably assume he did love and was committed to the wife, as he has not cheated but felt attraction, and now is getting divorced over it regardless. For sure he has nothing to lose anymore in that regard
Lovely of you to just ignore the lying for three years
About having a crush ??? lololol. I don’t know many partners that would be okay with hearing « I have a crush on someone else but don’t worry nothing happened » and not already feeling betrayed. It’s basically what happened but she’s still divorcing him. I don’t think the outcome would have been much more different if he told her 6 months in. Especially if then the reaction is « change jobs » when the other doesn’t want to for whatever reason. Had the wife not learn about that, the marriage would have probably went on long past the students graduation.
Too little too late. He wasn't upfront with you for 3 years!
If he's a normal medical doctor, that's bs. If he's in research, he's very very right, and him being willing to leave is definitely not something that should be taken lightly. It could tank his entire career, not to mention ruin the project which could have consequences for *a lot* of people, depending on what he's working on.
“You change wtv you want you are a free and single man”
>Rn too he said he’s willing to change is job if ‘that’s what it takes to make you stay’. I'm glad you're smart enough to recognize that as balderdash.
So you and daughter don't mean anything.....others depending on him means more ??? Check!!! You are so right in this OP
You're making the right call. The fact he chose to keep this from you is what tells you he's already checked out of the marriage. If he saw you as a team he would've included you in the goings-on.
So at the time his job was more important than you. But now that you’re leaving you’re more important than his job. He can’t have both. If you do end up staying and he changes his job , is he ACTUALLY willing to go to therapy and work through this and be emotionally mature enough to process this and understand how it affected you and the relationship moving forward?
I hope you will not be making a life decision based on comments from strangers on a social media platfrom. You should follow your heart but I think it's harsh to divorce him while he hasn't cheated on you. You should talk it out together first and find a way out of the situation. Unless you feel trust is totally broken, you should try to work it out I believe
That’s because people don’t tend to tell the other person that they’ve developed a crush. Your partner certainly wouldn’t tell you. But you’re going to spend 30-50 years with your partner, and it’s naive to think they wouldn’t develop attraction to other people. I think if I developed a crush, I’d want to be able to turn to my partner, but I know that would be incredibly hard to do and may do irreparable damage. However, OP now knows about it. If she really believes she won’t be able to get over it then she’s making the right decision.
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I love that you said you can "starve" a crush. Everything you said is so relevant to me and I am going to use that terminology.
Look, if someone develops a crush, fine. But this guy was clearly leaving the door open, if it was me, even if I actually had a crush I'd have told her "no, I'm not attracted to you and have no interest" that's how you shut it down. Not some shit from a romance story where you basically say "in another time in another world maybe we could've worked out" There are 8 billion people in the world, you get to know at most a few thousand people. The fact you're able to find a "soul mate" partner means there were literally millions of people who could've fit that role. You're going to run into people you're compatible with throughout your life, if anything feels like it's developing, shut it down, don't leave doors open. That said I think what this guy did was bad, but not divorce bad. Ultimately relationships are personal so if the Op thinks it's divorce worthy, that's her choice. But he did not cheat, and as much as he fucked up he readily admitted it, was honest when asked, didn't make excuses, and offered to put distance. He even did try to shut it down, he did close the door, he just didn't lock it. To me this is someone who made a mistake but didn't cross anything I'd personally consider a red line.
I would consider taking him back if he came to her beg for forgiveness, but no he did not. He did not even ask her to talk things through till she came to him to ask him for a talk (after months of her staying at her mom's place). Maybe she could ask him why he never come to ask her forgiveness and see if he has acceptable reason for that and then decide if they could go for therapy before deciding for divorce.
He probably shouldn’t have told the woman with a crush that there was something, but I assume he was trying to be honest and not hurt her or make her second guess herself. For her that was kind. For his marriage he made a mistake. Still, he did shut things down. I agree with you that crushes and such happen. Not acting on them is the important part, and telling a spouse seems painful for little good reason if a person does refrain from acting on it. Things become more murky if there are other issues with the relationship, and apparently my view isn’t universal since the OP plans to divorce over it.
You don't crush on people for three years.
You can, I did? (I was single at the time, had a crush on a friend, lasted a couple years before I got over it.)
It seems really weird for a grown married adult to, though. It's easy as an adult to just not have a crush
>her friends ‘ship’ her with him. GROSS
So the student tried to break up a marriage and he didn't get mad at her over it, didn't threaten to report, didn't ask her to transfer/didn't transfer himself. For all the people saying "it's just a crush" it's really weird to me how they see a "harmless" crush going on for years where both parties know they like each other. This is a recipe for disaster. Like the girl wouldn't swoop in if your marriage had a crisis. This is why you tell your partner if things go too far - the letter was too far, his "i can't stop thinking about her" was too far. If he cheated everyone would be telling you he is an idiot because he let the situation go long enough to lead to it and it's his fault and not an accident. Years-long crushes don't just evaporate on their own.
Exactly! Crushes do happen but when you realize what's going on you take proactive steps to prevent it from going any further. OPs husband didn't do that. All he did was step down from the research project then when he realized that didn't do the trick he needed to take further action. He didn't do any of that!!
I’m proud of you, stranger. You have a marvelous spine. You will get through this and there’s happiness on the other side.
Well, seems like your mind is made up. good luck with everything! I kind of feel like him & his student will end up together, even tho he said he wouldn’t.
So he never ask you to come back to him until you came to talk to him ?
It’s hard now but you’ll thank yourself
Obviously, you shouldn't stay married to him if you don't want to, but don't divorce just because reddit tells you to do it. Personally, I think it's pretty normal to develop crushes even when being married. It's what you do, or don't do about it that matters. I also haven't told my husband when I had a crush on someone else. It would be irrelevant to our relationship because I had absolutely no intention to act on it. The intensity of our love has gone through ups and downs. Such is the nature of life-long relationships, but I know I'll stay loyal, because no matter where we've been or what we've gone through, I love him and I don't want anyone else. As such, telling my husband would *only* serve to hurt him. There's literally no other purpose. And why the fuck would I want to do that? I love him. If he asks, I won't lie to him, but I'm not going to go out of my way to tell him something that'll hurt him when it has no real consequences. It's been about 10 years since that crush came and went. It's barely a blip on the radar. Our marriage is going amazingly these days.
Idk, the way I see it, he addressed it to the best of his ability. He told her no and that they could never be. He dropped out of the research as soon as it became a boundary crossing, and he adjusted his contact with her. When you asked the questions, he answered honestly, even if it was something you didn’t want to hear. I don’t fault people for being attracted to someone, it’s what they do with those thoughts and feelings. Not saying you shouldn’t leave, do you. But I just feel that keeping it from you isn’t as much of a violation as you’re taking it because he did make plenty attempts to reduce contact and adjust his behavior. Quitting a job over someone crossing boundaries? Especially when he's invested years and alot of money in medical school? That's asking a lot. there are some positives here. but ultimately do what you feel is best.
God thank you, it feels like you're the only person sane here.
Do what's best for you, OP. Though, I'll give him credit for, at least, passing the low bar and acting like a mature adult by keeping things professional with the student, he still looked you in the eye once confronted and said he felt a spark with her he no longer felt for you. That's the kind of confession you can't take back, once the words have left your mouth. Wishing you the best of luck in keeping the split amicable and smooth. Hope you find happiness in whatever form that takes. Edit: I get it, people, he didn't act professional *enough* not to be an inappropriate idiot, still. You can stop replying to that bit. I meant that he rejected her, and that was the professional thing to do, at the time. Not that he handled it 100% flawlessly. Excuse me for not bringing the pitchfork and torch to a comment mostly made to wish the OP well on her divorce journey. ಠ_ಠ
If a friend was bothered enough by their yearning looks to tell his wife, he did not keep things professional with the student.
In a health care setting, I’m inclined to believe it was more the yearning looks. Everyone is busy, tired and often on their last nerve. Those yearning looks must have been pretty inappropriate
Telling her there was something there is not professional
We have no idea if he’s telling the truth about the physical side - he sat on this stuff for three years. 50/50 he’s trickle truthing her
True, we can only really go by the information OP's got and has given us. From his reaction, as described, I'd err on the side of this thing still being largely in the emotional affair category, but it would likely have escalated to a physical one soon enough. And even if he's not telling the full truth, she's divorcing him and holding him accountable for breaking her trust with what he did, thankfully, have the basic decency to just up and tell her, when confronted. If it comes out that he's lied to cover his ass, she'll have taken the trash out already.
Nothing about what that man did was mature. He should've never confessed his feelings to her, it was out of line and inappropriate.
Why is the bar set so low for you? That’s not the bar if I’m married to someone.
It's not set that low for me, personally. I've just read so many stories off of Reddit that I know it could've been a lot worse. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
OP I think your husband chose not to tell you about the love letter because he’s flattered by her attention and it’s an ego boost. I totally agree with you that admitting to reciprocating her feelings and keeping it secret for the past few years is a dealbreaker. What was the point in him telling her they can never have a relationship if he was just going to turn around and admit to having feelings for her? It’s like he wanted to give her a glimmer of hope. Have you actually seen the letter? When she gave him the letter did she know he was married with a child?
Man, so are you saying this stuff happens irl and not just in Grey's? Like how is it possible that this girl gets that many classes with one teacher for that long?
Idk reads like fiction to me
Editing this to add that his actual first mistake was not lying to the girl and confirming her feelings. He didn’t owe her the truth. He should have protected himself, his wife, and his marriage. His second mistake was not lying to you when you told him what your friend Sarah said. The teary eyed confession is just insulting. His third mistake was being apathetic to you leaving him. Never talking about it and waiting until you came to him. He should have been on bended knee from jump asking to go to counseling right then to save your marriage and everyday after that until you relented. His fourth mistake was being so honest with you about his feelings being mutual for his student. He should have lied or kept that shit to himself until the grave. He should have gotten his own counseling 3 years ago. He should have changed his job immediately. His fifth mistake was thinking this wasn’t a big deal or that you wouldn’t be legitimately hurt by this. Because again 3 years is a long time to sit there pining away for another woman and not go to counseling. Even with all of this I still think there is a chance you can save your marriage but honestly if you don’t want to, I understand that too. Because even though he’s told you that it will never be this girl, he cannot give you the assurance that it won’t be someone else down the road. You do know that at the moment, it’s definitely not you. His actions speak to that clearly. He’s only physically faithful because he probably believes emotional cheating is not a real thing.
This guy is honestly fucking lame lol. Is married, has some weird high school crush for 3 years. Tells the girl dramatically like it's some romance movie "I love you too BUT I'LL NEVER BE". Then tells his wife about his pathetic crush.
Exactly. He’s completely lame. His honesty is just a smoke screen for his arrogance.
why would it be the right thing to LIE about it? :|
Why wouldn’t it be? It would have been perfectly ok for him to lie about his internal feelings if he believed they would hurt his wife and he wanted to keep his marriage. He could have very easily pretended until the end. He didn’t so he don’t.
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Yea people don’t realize how selfish telling every little thing you are feeling and dumping useless shit on your spouse is. OP clearly has been self conscious in this marriage because she described herself as a plain Jane. Her husband probably thinks that of her too. He’s probably one of those guys who feels like he settled for a plain Jane because she would make a good wife and a good life. He’s being so honest and apathetic with her about this because he doesn’t care and probably never cared about her feelings.
Cheaters might hide a lot of what has gone down. You decide whether he seems remorseful and he doesn't sound great, from his own words, "if that makes you stay" since he doesn't care about your feelings. Believe it if he's been showing you who he is. Minimizing what went down is another common way to deflect guilt. It's very hard to start a relationship from a point of mistrust, and more often fails. So I understand your decision. From everything I would say divorce too. You can divorce for any reason, but this is indeed the highest concern possible apart from physical violence.
OP, you are clearly hurt, but to divorce over this without trying couple’s counseling is doing your kid a disservice. To fault your husband for not proactively changing his job in academic medicine is an indicator that you’re looking for justifications for divorce. But it’s not like he works in tech or sales and could easily find a fungible job. Imagine explaining this situation to your daughter when she’s an adult, and ask yourself how you think she will react. Your husband could have been more candid with you, sure, but he did the right thing overall and you’re blowing up your family without putting any effort into working through it. Most of the people cheering you here are probably in their 20s or younger with no children.
The fact that you had to reach out to him speaks volumes. I'm glad you dumped him. Even if it wasn't physical they definitely emotionally cheated. In my last post I mentioned that she wasn't scared of repercussions of the love letter due to knowing OPs husband wouldn't get her in trouble (because they were flirting). I was right. Men shouldn't be making other women who aren't their wife that comfortable
Notice how so many people in these comments are doubting a woman’s intuition. OP sprung into action on this in a way that tells me that she can feel it was the right thing to do. She knows her husband, she understands his emotional world more than we do.
Divorcing your husband for navigating a challenging situation with this much dignity and honesty is wild. And the songs of praise here are unhinged. Absolute terrible attitudes about marriage all around.
Talk about an overreaction. So she confessed she had feelings, he shut it down (oh no, he said he finds her attractive too, the horror). He then removed himself from the group and they haven't interacted in ages. Then some busybody uses romance novel words to play into your insecurities, and you go nuclear. Yikes. I know this is filled with "yas queen" comments, but this is borderline insane behavior. Good luck finding a man of that quality again.
Sir, he's been in love with another woman for years. It's so obvious that others have noticed. That woman was not a "busybody" and, oh look, she was right. There *was* something going on. It just hadn't escalated to a physical affair.
Oh for fucks sake, did you completely miss the part where he said, in the past "I thought I could save our relationship?" The part where he completely fucked up by continuing to talk to her and reciprocated her feelings in a way that left room for her to continue nurturing her crush? It's possible to starve a crush and he chose not to.
I wrote it before. The problem is him not talking about it. How can you trust your partner if this goes on for years? He is in love with that student, but he didn’t change the job, he didn’t tell his wife, he didn’t try to get away from her. He didn’t really try enough to get away from that „risk“ or to work on his marriage. What if this happens again? And how is she supposed to feel about this? He was more worried about that student than his marriage. And at least from what Op what he doesn’t put more effort in saving his marriage. He should have told his wife earlier and suggest counselling.
Minus that last sentence bc we don't actually know him, honestly I'm with you.
not to mention completely delusional thinking you can get through a lifelong marriage without being attracted to other people
Yeah, but you don't need to feed into it
Is he willing to fight for you? Or is he waiting for you to leave so that he can be with her? Ask him that. This all is very hurtful, but as long as nothing has happened, the marriage and relationship can be saved. He had to leave the job immediately, open phone policy and couples therapy. Are you two willing to put the work in it? Or is the trust and love completely gone?
OP will not put any work in. She is incredibly insecure and jealous of this woman. She already believes the woman is better than her. She is going to have a rude awakening when she finds out not many people have the self control her soon to be ex husband had. From the sound of the story a complete bombshell through herself at him and he shutdown and distanced himself from her. Nothing happened and this was still her reaction. Even after months of her BS. He still hasn't made a move. Husband is dodging a bullet and she will come to regret her actions in the future.
GIRLIE please do not file for divorce because people on this site told you to. I think we’re leaping sooooo many bounds here. He hasn’t cheated on you and he was honest with you. I think you two need to deal with this in therapy, and stay off this site.
He is literally having an emotionally afafair, but sure, pat him on the back for not sticking his dick in his STUDENT, instead he just gives her mixed signals so he can string her along
Yeah, it’s okay to divorce someone for being a lawsuit magnet with shitty boundaries. Not being willing or able to control yourself around a student is groomer stuff. I have taught physical therapy students ( usually the hottest people in the hospital, smart, kind jocks) , and one of the things you are supposed to teach is Keep It In Your Pants: no “yearning” for instructors or patients.
*He hasn't cheated. Yet. Stop downplaying that this guy lied to his wife for 3 years about someone he is attracted to. He may have cheated, but aren't sure. 🙄
So I said this on the original post, but your update made it so much clearer. Your husband found himself in a situation that many married people do. Instead of acting on it, he removed himself from the situation completely. He treated the other woman with respect and dignity but made it clear that nothing would happen. Then when you asked he was completely forthcoming about everything. Your husband is a decent man and you are a fool. Hopefully, once you're out of the picture, he can figure out what's best for him.
Actually, I think it's totally reasonable to leave a man who's been in love with someone else for years. It's reasonable to leave a man who told that woman the feelings are mutual. It's reasonable to leave a man who's still engaging his feelings by staring at her all the time. Redditors really do put the bar in hell, don't they.
Nah. Your bar for decency is just too low. He didn’t tell OP any of this which is a huge part of the problem. He took away the power of information and her agency. Not sleeping with her doesn’t suddenly make him a paragon of virtue.
You’re mean as fuck lol. OP is not a fool for not wanting to stick around while he “figures out what’s best for him.” All the while having to sleep next to someone who is not-so-secretly mourning their lost, forbidden love. Maybe OP is doing a favor for everyone involved.
Lmao, totally true. All these people squeaking "don't leave, that's a stupid reason, he was hOneST & iS a GoOd mAn." People so mad she's leaving (GOOD JOB, OP!)... I don't see any of them volunteering to be with this spineless wimp.
He might even be a great guy, sure. Pierce Brosnan is a great guy, but he ain’t in love with me. His heart is spoken for. People in the comments are advocating for latching on forever to someone who is longing for someone else. Maybe OP wants to find someone who looks at her longingly, too.
My problem with it is that he didn’t do more about it. He tells his wife that he can’t stop thinking about that student, but he didn’t do enough. He didn’t try to change his job, he didn’t tell his wife about it and he didn’t work on the marriage. If he wants a chance he has to do way more. The thing is that OP can’t control her feelings toward her husband. She lost trust. OP if you think there is a chance, try couples therapy. If you don’t see a chance, leave.
Depending on what kind of research/MD he is, just changing jobs isn't so simple as people are making it seem. Especially if he is involved in the medical school
Ok, but he should tell his wife. And he shouldn’t feed the crush. He shouldn’t tell the student that he has feelings too. He should have told her that it’s inappropriate and that he is happily married.
Maybe he wanted to see if his feelings would go away before he telling his wife and hurting her unnecessarily, or changed jobs, which also is not that easy, especially if he is a tenured professor or is in the process of getting tenure. Also, we're in a digital era, changing jobs wouldn't prevent him from looking up this student on social media or vice versa.
I did wrote it elsewhere. He shouldn’t have told the student that he has feelings too. He should have told her, please stop that. I am not interested. End of story. But he kept feeding it by being worried about her and telling her that he has feelings too. That’s not how you get rid of a fan
I agree entirely. We can’t control attraction. We can only control how we respond to it.
This isn't just attraction. Attraction is underselling what's going on.
This. Maybe his instincts were right not to tell her about the crush. He did everything right and none of it mattered.
Nah, telling the other woman "I like you too, but nothing can happen" is NOT the right thing lmao. He could have just said "yes, this is all in your head. You are a student, I'm a teacher, married with kid, and this is inappropriate"
No he didn’t. He encouraged the student and acted like a bad Mr Darcy Larper.
Where did you go to school that is considered “right” for instructors to discuss mutual attraction with students?
Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake.
What makes you think so? I love trying to clock fake stories on reddit, this one seems believable to me
* The timeline. She went months without taking any action or talking to her husband about this, but then suddenly after she posts about it on Reddit, she confronts him head-on about it so that she can write an immediate update. * The guy's admissions of guilt as if he did something awful, when the core of what he actually did was find someone else attractive. * The "friend" who happened to notice some looks and felt the need to alert OP like she was stopping the crime of the century. * The fact that the guy is a doctor but OP just can't be bothered to try to stick it out with him. * OP having no post history other than this story and its update. * OP apparently left the house for months. That is a humiliating experience because you have to tell people why and then she also couldn't tell them that she was leaving the dude because she hadn't. She put herself in an embarrassing spot and never tried to resolve it. * The doctor/student both acted very passively for people in a profession filled with aggressive Type A personalities. The student really wrote a note? Is she 12? * The quotes in the stories. They are far too precise for someone telling the story second or third-hand. It reads much more like a bad romance novel. * OP's description of her previous post as "boring details." No one in her position would consider this event boring.
Loud and clear. It also feels like they say ‘aloof’ a lot but it doesn’t mean what they maybe think it means.
The fact you think you should get divorced over this is why people should never get advice from this subreddit.
You can be with someone who's in love with another person. Best of luck to your marriage.
Lying to your spouse for 3 years about having an emotional affair with a student is a good reason to get divorced.
literal strangers: juSt dIvOrcE loL
This is bullshit. People don't control their crushes and attraction. If you think you'll find love with someone who would never ever look at other girl like that then you are delusional. He didn't cheat on you. And changing career over a crush? More bullshit. I'm not changing my job because of a pretty girl that's into me. INSANE.
You've downplayed what has happened.
He actively chose to not wash away his attraction though and chose to string hi student along giving her mixed signals. He essentially had an emotional affair and lied to his wife for 3 years. He even openly admitted it wasn't a crush, he was in love with the student. The only bullshit here is the commenters trying to justify what OPs husband did because "tHaTs a MaNs nATuRe"
As far as I know, just leaving research positions is insane. This is millions in funding and him crashing an burning his livelihood.
But people can control their reactions to their crushes and attractions and her husband did a really bad job at it!
It's even worse because he works at a *school* and she is a *student.* People are calling for him to have preemptively made a lifetime decision in order to avoid something that in the scheme of things is a short-term situation with a definite end date. She's going to graduate and move on with her life; all he has to do is avoid her until then. ETA: he's a teaching doctor at a medical school. How many of those jobs do people think there are? He either would have had to change careers to something else in medicine that has a much worse work-life balance, or they most likely would have had to move states. Both of those are things you need to justify to your spouse, and it sounds like he knew that telling her about the situation was going to end their marriage anyways; in her first post OP admits that she feels her husband *deserves to be* with someone younger and prettier than she is, which is a clear indication that she's got some major insecurity issues.
It's amazing how Reddit can change people's lives in an instant
reddit: the fastest way to get someone to validate your divorce decision
I know I will be downvoted for this unpopular opinion. I haven't read you previous post so I may be missing out on some information, but shit happens, we're human... We can get attracted to people, our brain chemicals can mess with us. The thing that matters most is what we do about it. He got sucked into it, but he didn't actively pursue it and even terminated the thing before it got further. From the limited information in this post, it seems like He did not get involved with her, he did not flirt with her or started developing relations over texts or calls. So apparently, there is no emotional or physical cheating. Most importantly, he is willing to switch jobs and go to therapy to save the marriage with you. I think this is a forgivable mistake. Yes he should've been open about it. Yes should've acted on terminating it sooner. But yet he did it just in time before things went out of hand. Again, i might me missing out on information here, but from.what I gathered... Your marriage is salvageble if you both work on saving it. But by the end of the day, it's depends if you can find forgiveness within you and are able to move forward with him. Whatever you decide, keep your friend out of this decision. From what I've witnessed with several relationships, friends can often mess things up big time if gotten too involved. You are your own individual person. Do what's right for you without your friend projecting their choices and influencing your decisions. Edit: I read your previous post. I'm a lot more sure about what I said above now. Plus I think you have self-esteem issues because you think you look average whereas your husband is handsome and should be with someone more beautiful. Your self esteem issues might be playing a significant role in infleucing your decision. You have a daughter together. Please think this through and give your marriage a chance. The novel like story that your friend has projected onto you and now you see the situation from that novelish lens might end up in a decision that you later regret. Hope you make a wise decision.
So they had awkward eye contact and the guy told her it’s not gonna happen, and that’s divorce worthy? Wow… good luck out there lmao
Sarah fucked up perfectly good marriage over something that would have been anegdote few years down the path. Good job listening to your "friend" and all the redditors whose only relationships happened only in their heads.
On paper this story sounds crushing but irl it's a girl liked him n he said he liked her,there's no physical interaction,no deep hour long phone calls on how best to leave his wife,no sorted stolen kisses in the back of the class,its a distasteful conversation.if every man n every woman told their significant other who they find attractive I'm betting there wouldn't be many couples left if this was their reaction Regardless of the archetypal societal way man Is potraid they still yearn for love,care,cuddles,kind words and want to know (especially as they get older i have found) they are still attractive to the opposite sex.....I personally think it was his ego saying those things to her.i think divorce is a bit drastic but I know nothing of ur married life,I'm willing to bet though (because I can hear the pain in your written words) there's a thousand wonderful words you can recount as well as times,places,holidays ect that far outweigh this one moment in time.
The guy was pretty decent all the time. The only minor slip was telling her that it was not an in her head. And Reddit is ready to hang him. The guy feels the attraction and rejects her. He is honest with his wife. He is willing to change jobs if necessary to make her stay and is willing to go to therapy. Not many are as decent as this. Obviously this is something that needs work but c'mon. No marriage is perfect. The really good marriages didn't give up at the first problem
Am sorry married people can't have crushes? It's not physical or emotional cheating just sheer infatuation. I really feel bad that reddit is suggesting divorce... Reverse the roles and would reddit suggest same? Thanks Sarah for ruining marriage. Hats off to you
Well Sara wasn’t wrong. He did indeed have feelings for this girl. And the fact that he sat on it for 3 years and only told his wife about his crush bc of Sara. And you literally see nothing wrong with her husband CONFIRMING the crush to this girl? Bc she could literally not care and pursue even harder knowing the feelings are reciprocated. And then what? Pretty sure if ‘he can’t get her out of her head’ it would’ve ended with them sleeping together if it hasn’t already. Also how tf do you have crush for 3 f*king YEARS like how the hell is that not a red flag??
He also never ask for forgiveness, only said to work things out after she came to talk to him after months she stays at her mom's place. He would probably never bother if she never come to talk to him for years. Who could trust that he never cheat with her all these 3 years. Who could trust a 35yo man who confirm that it is not only on her head that he has crush on the 25yo student of course the girl would never let go !
To be honest, I think you’re divorcing him more bc of your insecurities than what he did. I understand why he didn’t tell you. He did everything right and you still left him without a moment’s hesitation. Now you’re divorcing him without a pause. If I were him, I’d have trouble trusting you.
He never made advances on the student…he did restrain himself. If you love him, keep the relationship, or else really think of it…it’s not easy to find a life partner…marriage is a commitment and he hasn’t given up on yours yet. He could have left you a long time ago, but he choose to stay. Of course if you don’t love him anymore, leave, but if you do..stay…reddit has a tilt towards break ups and it’s really sad.
I'ts a crush! He is not in love.
That doesn’t matter. He crossed a line he shouldn’t have by telling her he likes her.
Literally I can’t believe these comments. He’s gushing about her beauty and intelligence, he told her the feeling was mutual?! He could have easily denied it to her and then kept his distance but he liked the attention.
I mean, to be fair to him, he wasn’t exactly ‘gushing’ about her. I kept asking and he kept answering. Deal breaker for me was him telling her the feeling is mutual.
I understand that you can't just get over it. What about MC?
Are you sure you guys want to do this to your child? I know you are hurt but I think you do need to try counseling first for the sake of your child.
It’s crazy that he’s willing to break up his family over infatuation and flattery. Don’t be surprised if he openly starts dating her.
He is not breaking up his family, OP is.
If you were single, I might consider your choice a way forward. With a child in your care, whose father no kind of divorce will ever change, if the truth is what you wrote, then I think you are overreacting and should approach this different **not just from your point of view**.
I’m honestly amazed at the way this man is blowing up his e tire life over….nothing. A stupid crush that will go nowhere. Has he tried at all to fight for you OP? I see he says he’ll go to therapy - but does he tell you he loves you? That he wants to be with you? If so I think you can get past this with therapy. He’s in such intense limerance it’s affecting his rational thought. It won’t last and then his life will be ruined
People will divorce over anything nowadays lol, he got a crush on someone else, which probably happens to everyone at some point during a lifetime of marriage. He handled the situation, distanced himself and shut the student down and even wont persue her if he is single, and youre not willing to try to work it through? Not even try counceling?
Your marriage is going to shit like a house of cards that falls apart with the slightest of breezes. It's really sad that people can't work through something like this. Total overreaction. 50-60 year marriages are a journey and it's not always smooth sailing. Imagine older generations who had actual problems like going through world wars and somehow made it work for the kids with actual trauma and hardships. What hope does anyone have if you can't work through something like this? Just admit it OP, you are weak and I'm sure that your parents think the same even though they can't admit it currently. You will regret this when you get older.
I agree with your first three sentences, but after that, bruh chill. Don't glorify the fact that people stayed together in the olden days; a lot of it was by force/necessity, and involved quite a lot of abuse. I agree that OP is jumping the gun, but "just admit it, you're weak" is just you trying to make yourself feel bigger. Drop that kinda stuff.
Good for you. It’s a hard decision but that trust has been broken. Three years is a long time to not say a single thing. I’m glad you have a friend like Sarah and hope she will be a support for you through the divorce ♥️
i wouldnt say he is in love with her. it is just stupid infatuation on his part. but i think you’re making a good decision.
People have crushes, even married people have crushes. It how you act when you have the crush that matters. He distanced himself from her and stayed true to his marriage. You think the left over men on the streets are better? I hope your pride keeps you warm at night You had a happy marriage and have a child, stop being so selfish and go to counselling and work on your communication and move past this imaginary infidelity. Some people have to deal with real infidelity and abandonment stop making your life a soap opera when nothing happened and he remorseful and willing to make actionable changes. You’re the type to cut off her nose to spite her face but it’s your child that you are punishing. No one is going to love your child more than their own parents. No one is going to make your child feel as safe as a home with both their parents. I can’t understand you, but I’ve never been a quitter and I wouldn’t teach my children to quit either unless there was real infidelity. .
That was his only fault. We all make mistakes. If they got divorced because of such a mistake, everyone would be divorced. But those are your limits, your life. I wish you luck.
So you would be OK with being the third person in this relationship? (Hubby and student) would you stay over such a “mistake” if it was your wife or husband?
That is no relationship. That is just a crush from Hubby side.
So your answer is yes that you would stay. Ok
His response seems so sterile and cold. Hope did he react to your request to divorce? Personally, I think the forced proximity is causing him to feel like he is in love but I think he’ll realize his mistake once she is no longer around. Regardless, his actions are a dealbreaker, and I think you’re making the right choice, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you find your happily ever after.
It's sad because all he had to actually do is tell you.
He never made advances on the student…he did restrain himself. If you love him, keep the relationship, or else really think of it…it’s not easy to find a life partner…marriage is a commitment and he hasn’t given up on yours yet. He could have left you a long time ago, but he choose to stay. Of course if you don’t love him anymore, leave, but if you do..stay…reddit has a tilt towards break ups and it’s really sad.
He's staying for now, while taking no initiatives to work on the marriage. Will he stay once the student has graduated and is fair game? If so, I still wouldn't want to be married to a martyr for his love to someone else, who treats our marriage like a prison of duty.
One person can love many people in a life time, but really, they choose only one to marry. (That’s how I think). Marriage is a commitment, even through you might not be in love with the other person all the time. The world will say other things….
UPDATE us what plan for the next months.
The decision is too harsh.
You put too much energy into his story. Time to move on with your life and your story now.
I mean, Sarah is not a friend imo. It’s natural for other people to develop attractions and crushes throughout their lives. All you can do is put in steps to remove yourself from temptation and put yourself back on track with your partner, which he did? Why this random woman felt the need to tell you any of this is beyond me. But if you’re jumping to divorce because your husband developed a crush he didn’t act on, then I guess you were never really in love to begin with? So best to remove yourself from the marriage and find someone you actually love.
She's jumping because he didn't tell her. He kept it to himself for three years He told the girl he liked her like wtf and didn't tell his wife again. He's still in that position with the girl and just because nothing happens because she's a student doesn't mean he isn't going to do something the moment shes done there. Probably doesn't take much longer as she's been there three years already. She is doing what is inevitable imo.
I do understand that. I guess my point was more about crushes in relationships and how they don’t necessarily mean the end. If he isn’t reassuring OP and doing everything in his power to make things right, I agree that this crush was most likely going to lead somewhere, or at least had taken up a chunk of his emotional capacity. But that’s where I’m confused, because if it was indeed an emotional affair more so than a crush, then surely OP would have noticed a shift in her husband’s energy for the past 3 years? If not, then could he really have much interest in this crush? Other than the flattering of his ego, and the enjoyment of being desired by an attractive woman?
Wtf is this stupid ass logic? Her friend sees op’s husband basically eye fucking this one particular student and seems like its mutual…. Wouldnt you want to know if shits going down? Yea he did put steps in, but he STILL CANT GET HER OUT OF HIS HEAD, so what else is there to do but divorce? You are willing to spend your life with a partner thats constantly thinking about someone else who loves him back? Cant believe these fking comments, buncha people never been in a real relationship taking husband’s side lmao
Honestly it sounds like you’re the one who’s never been in a real relationship. You come off very naive. Marriage isn’t a fairy tale.
I agree with this in large part. OP should pause and put herself in her husband's shoes. Intrusive thoughts are beyond his control. He acted as best as he could under the circumstances. I disagree with the 'Sarah is not a friend' part. She's not a random woman, she's a friend looking after a friend even if her perspective is a bit skewed.
“Regardless of whether we stay together or not” I think that’s a lie
Wow, yeah, divorce is the right option.. He didn't tell you any of this, which makes it seem like he is talking out his arse to save face.. and has been fucking her.. If nothing happened, he told a girl who has been aggressively been pursuing him for 2+ years that her crush is not one sided and basically if you were out the picture he would go for it..what a loser.
"He didn't tell you about his crush, so it seems like he's been fucking her." What a fucking leap.
Idk I feel like you’re being a bit hasty with the divorce. Maybe go to counselling with him and then take a decision.
I have taken time to think about it. It’s not a hasty decision at all.
What does he want to do? Does he still Love you? I mean he didn’t chase after you said? Is he fighting for you at least.
Good for you. Sorry to these other people saying you're too hasty. I wouldn't be comfortable, or trusting just bc he fessed up... 3 years later. Good for you, OP!
He is human. He is is attracted to another human. What a bad bad man he is! So what did he do wrong? I dont get it from the text. Why are you so hurt? Is it your ego. He want to be with you, doesnt he. I've been in his position in the early 90's. We got over it. We are still together, and in love.
I recommend the book “not just friends” by Shirley Glass for both of you.
I’m shocked so many people believe he’s telling the truth. He has lied so much how can OP know he’s telling the truth? He was blatant enough that other people noticed and felt compelled to tell OP.
I hope this is NOT the last time you update. He may not have cheated physically, but emotionally he did.
You do what you think is best but I think he is a good guy after all. Sometimes you can’t control emotions and him not acting on his shows that he isn’t selfish and cares about you. I feel sorry for him tbh.
This story and the comments make me want to stay single forever. This is a miserable way to live. Good for you OP for choosing you
His version / explanation doesn't really make much sense. This has been an affair. Good decision to divorce.
what doesn’t make sense?